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I.  N.  RICHARDSON  & CO., 

No.  68  CoRNHiLL,  Boston,  Mass. 

[Entered  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1872,  by  I.  N.  Richardson,  in  the  OtEce  of  the  Librarian  of 

Congress,  at  Washington.] 


2 


THE  STRUGGLES 


(SOCI-A.L,  IPOJiil'TlCJLXj) 

OP 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

SOMETIME  PASTOR  OF  THE  “CHURCH  UV  THE  SLAWTERD  INNOCENTS » 
(LAIT  ST.  VALLANDIGUM),  WINGERT’S  CORNERS,  OHIO,  AND  OF  THE 
“ CHURCH  UV  THE  NOO  DISPENSASHUN,”  SAINT’S  REST,  NEW 
JERSEY;  “PERFESSER  UV  BIBLIKLE  POLITY  IN  THE 
SOUTHERN  MILITARY  AND  CLASSIKLE  INSTITOOT,” 

AND  LATE  POSTMASTER  (UNDER  A.  JOHNSON) 

AT  CONFEDERATE  X ROADS,  “ WICH  IS 
IN  THE  STAIT  UV  KENTUCKY.” 

EMBRACING 

His  Trials  and  Troubles,  Ups  and  Downs,  Rejoicings  and  Wailings; 

LIKEWISE 

HIS  VIEWS  OF  MEN  AND  THINGS. 


TOGETHER  WITH  THE  LECTURES 

“CUSSID  BE  CAEAANT,”  “THE  STRUGGLES  OF  A CONSERVATIVE 
WITH  THE  WOMAN  QUESTION,”  AND  “ IN  SEARCH 
OF  THE  MAN  OF  SIN.” 

> 

WITH  INTTROI3XJCTION 

By  HON.  CHAELES  SUMNER. 


ILLUSTRATED  BY  THOMAS  NAST. 


SOLD  ONLY  BY  SUBSCRIPTION, 

BOSTON: 

I.  N.  RICHARDSON  AND  COMPANY. 
1872. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1872, 
By  D.  R.  LOCKE, 

In  the  Office  of  the  Librarian  of  Congress,  at  Washington. 


ELECTROTYPED  AT  THE  BOSTON  STEREOTYPE  FOUNDRY, 
No.  19  Spring  Lane, 


DEDIKASHUN. 


TO  THE 


MAN, 

• 

WHOEVER  HE  MAY  BE,  WHO  SUCCEEDS  IN  BEIN  ELECTED  TO  THE  PRESIDENCY 
BY  THE  DEMOCRATIC  PARTY,  AND  WHO  SHALL,  IMMEJITLY  AFTER  HIS 
INOGGERASflUN,  APPINT  ME  TO  THE  POST  OFFIS,  FROM  WICH 
THE  TYRANT  GRANT  • DISMIST  ME,  THUS  ASURIN  AN  OLD 
DIMOCRAT,  WHO  NEVER  SCRATCHED  A TICKET, 

AND  ALLUZ  TOOK  HIS  LIKKER  STRATE, 

A COMFORTABLE  END  TO  AN 
UNCOMFORTABLE  CAREER, 

THIS  VOT.XJIME  IS  IDEHIK^TEH, 

BY  THE  AUTHOR, 

WITH  SENTIMENCE  OF  PROFOUND  RESPECT, 

PETROLEUM  V.  JVASPK 


CoNFEDRiT  X Roads- 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
April  15,  1872. 


Uv  tlae  makin  uv  books  there  is  no  end.  The  press  per- 
petooally  groans  with  a burden  uv  literatoor,  and  is  bein  per- 
petooally  delivered,  sometimes  to  the  advantage  uv  the  world, 
and  sometimes  vicy  versy.  I spose,  ef  I hed  consulted  the 
literary  men  uv  this  country  (wich  I didn’t),  they  wood  hev 
sed  to  me,  Don’t  publish  this  book  ; there’s  reely  no  okka- 
shun  for  it ! ” There  isn’t  ? Did  the  capchus  adviser  see  the 
state  uv  my  pants?  Did  he  observe  the  wreckt  condishun  of 
my  boots  ? Is  he  aware  that  I am  in  arrears  for  board  ? Not 
publish  my  book  ! Kin  I so  far  forget  my  dooty  to  humanity  ? 
Its  publikashen  will  at  least  do  one  suffrin  man  good,  and  that’s 
more  than  half  uv  the  writers  kin  say.  What  recks  it  that 
that  one  is  me?  Wat  posterity  will  say,  I don’t  know  ; neither 
do  I care.  I ain’t  labrin  for  posterity  ; neither  did  my  father, 
else  I hed  bin  better  off.  Posterity  may  assign  me  a niche  in 
the  temple  uv  massive  intellex,  or  may  not ; it’s  all  one  to  the  sub- 
scriber. I woodn’t  give  a ten-cent  postal  currency  for  wat  the 
next  generashen  will  do  forme.  It’s  this  generashen  I’m  goin 
for.  So  much  for  Buckinham  ! 

I didn’t  put  these  thots  uv  mine  upon  paper  for  amoozement. 
There  hezn’t  bin  anythin  amoozin  in  Dimocrisy  for  the  past 
twelve  years,  and  the  standard-bearers,  the  captins  uv  fifties 
and  hundreds,  the  leaders  uv  the  hosts,  hev  hed  a ruther  rough 
time  uv  it.  Our  prominence  made  us  uncomfortable,  for  we 

7 


8 


P R E FI  S . 


hev  bin  the  mark  uv  every  writer,  every  orator,  ez  well  ez  uv 
every  egg-tbrower,  in  the  country.  When  that  gileless  patriot, 
Jeems  Bookannon,  retired  to  private  life,  regretted  by  all  who 
held  office  under  him,  Dimocracy  felt  that  she  wuz  entrin  upon 
a period  uv  darknis  and  gloom.  The  effort  our  Suthern  breth- 
rin  made  for  their  rites,  rendered  the  position  uv  us  Northern 
Dimocrats  eggstremely  precarious.  We  coodent  go  back  on  • 
our  friends  South,  for,  knowin  that  peace  must  come,  and  that 
when  it  did  come  we  wood  hev  to,  ez  in  the  olden  time,  look 
to  them  for  support  and  maintenance,  it  behooved  us  to  keep 
on  their  good  side.  This  wood  hev  bin  easy  enuff,  but  alars  ! 
there  were  laws  agin  treason,  and  two  thirds  uv  the  misguided 
people  North  hed  got  into  a way  uv  thinkin  that  the  Dimocrasy 
South  had  committed  that  crime,  and  they  intimated  that  ef 
we  overstepped  the  line  that  divides  loyalty  from  treason  by 
so  much  ez  the  millionth  part  uv  a hair,  they’d  make  us  suffer ; 
wich  they  did  religiously.  1,  alone,  hev  suffered  enuff'  for 
several  families  uv  martyrs. 

But  I anticipate.  Twict  doorin  the  fratrisidle  struggle  wich 
drencht  this  happy  land  in  goar,  I wuz  drafted  into  a service 
I detested  — twict  I wuz  torn  from  the  buzzum  uv  my  family, 
wich  I wuz  gittin  along  well  enough,  even  ef  the  wife  uv  my 
buzzum  wood  occasionally  git  obstinit,  and  refooze  to  give  me 
sich  washin  money  ez  wuz  nessary  to  my  existence,  preferrin 
to  squander  it  upon  bread  and  clothes  for  the  children,  — twict, 

I say,  I wuz  pulled  into  the  servis,  and  twict  I wuz  forced  to 
desert  to  the  Dimocrisy  uv  the  South,  rather  than  fite  agin  em. 
When,  finally,  the  thumb  uv  my  left  hand  wuz  acksidentally 
shot  off,  owin  to  my  foot  becomin  entangled  into  the  lock  uv 
my  gun,  wich  thumb  wuz  also  accidentally  across  the  muzzle 
thereof,  and  I wuz  no  longer  liable  to  military  dooty,  and  cood 
bid  Provost  Marshels  defiance,  I only  steered  clear  uv  Scylla 
to  go  bumpin  onto  Charybdis.  I coodent  let  Dimocrisy  alone, 
and  the  eggins  — the  ridin  upon  rails  — the  takin  uv  the 


P R E F I S . 


9 


oath  — but  why  shood  I harrow  up  the  public  buzzum  ? I 
stood  it  all  till  one  nite  I wuz  pulled  out  uv  bed,  compelled'  to 
kneel  onto  my  bare  knees  in  the  cold  snow,  the  extremity  uv 
my  under  garment,  wich  modesty  forbids  me  to  menshun  the 
name  uv  it,  fluttrin  in  a Janooary  wind,  and  by  a crowd  uv 
laffin  soljers  compelled  to  take  the  oath  and  drink  a pint  uv 
raw,  undilootid  water ! That  feather  broke  the  back  uv  the 
camel.  The  oath  give  me  inflamashen  uv  the  brane  and  the 
water  inflamashen  uv  the  stumick,  and  for  six  long  weeks  I lay, 
a wreck  uv  my  former  self.  Ez  I arose  from  that  bed  and  saw 
in  a glass  the  remains  uv  my  pensive  beauty,  I vowed  to  wage 
a unceasin  war  on  the  party  wich  caused  sich  havoc,  and  I hev 
kept  my  oath. 

I hev  bin  in  the  Apossel  biznis  more  extensively  than  any 
man  sence  the  time  uv  Paul.  First  I established  a church  uv 
Democrats  in  a little  oasis  I diski vered  in  the  Ablishn  State  uv 
Ohio,  to  wit,  at  WingerFs  Corners,  where  ther  wuz  four 
groceries,  but  nary  church  or  skool-house  within  four  miles, 
and  whose  populashen  wuz  unanimously  Dimocratic,  the 
grocery  keepers  hevin  mortgages  on  all  the  land  around  em  — 
but  alars ! I wuz  forced  to  leeve  it  after  the  election  of  Linkin 
in  1864.  Noo  Jersey  bein  the  only  state  North  wich  wuz  on- 
squelched,  to  her  I fled,  and  at  Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  Noo 
Jersey)  I erected  another  tabernacle.  There  I stayed,  and  et 
and  drank  and  wuz  merry,  but  Ablishnism  pursood  me  thither, 
and  in  the  hill  uv  ’65  that  State  got  ornery  and  cussid,  and 
went  Ablishn,  and  agin,  like  the  wandrin  Jew,  I wuz  forced 
to  pull  up,  and  wend  my  weary  way  to  Kentucky,  where, 
at  Confedrit  X Roads,  I hoped  to  spend  the  few  remainin 
years  uv  my  life.  I wuz  happy  and  contented.  Under  the 
administrashen  uv  President  Johnson,  upon  whose  head  bless- 
ins,  I wuz  livin  in  the  enjoyment  uv  that  end  uv  the  hopes  uv 
all  Democrats,  a Post  Ofifis,  with  four  well-regulated  groceries 
within  a stun’s  throw,  and  a distillery  ornamentin  the  landscape 


10 


P R E F I S. 


only  a quarter  nv  a mile  from  where  I rite  these  lines,  with  the 
ruins  uv  a burnt  nigger  school-house  within  site  uv  my  winder. 
I wantid  nothin  more.  I hoped  to  be  allowed  to  live  there  and 
thus  forever,  and  that  when  Death  should  come,  he  wood  find 
me  at  Bascom’s,  enjoyin  the  deliteful  society  uv  them  wich  I 
am  proud  to  call  my  friends. 

But  it  wuz  not  to  be  so.  Grant  wuz  elected,  and  per  conse- 
quence I wuz  oustid.  Weary  uv  life  and  heart-sick,  I startid 
a grosery  in  the  6th  Ward,  Noo  York,  where  I hed  hopes  that 
the  Dimocricy  wood  rally  to  my  support,  and  give  me  a suffi- 
shency  uv  the  two  prime  necessities  uv  life,  — a roof  and  whis- 
key. But  that  didn’t  anser.  I drank  up  twenty-five  per  cent, 
uv  my  stock,  and  the  balance  wuz  sold  on  credit  to  that  class 
uv  Dimocrats  whose  proudest  boast  is  that  they  never  pay  a 
bill.  He  needs  to  be  an  acoot  man  who  deals  with  sich. 
Unable  to  maintain  myself  there,  I returned  to  Confedrit  X 
Roads,  where  I am  now  livin,  and  where,  probably,  I shel  die. 
It  is  the  most  sootable  place  for  me,  for  here  I am  entirely 
safe.  Massychoosets  ideas  can’t  penetrate  us  here.  The 
aristocracy  uv  this  seckshun  bleeve  in  freedom  uv  speech, 
but  they  desire  to  exercise  a supervision  over  it,  that  they 
may  not  be  led  astray.  They  bleeve  they’r  rite,  and  for  fear 
they’d  be  forced  to  change  their  minds,  whenever  they  git 
into  argument  with  anybody,  ef  the  individooal  gits  the  better 
uv  them,  they  to-wunst  shoot  him  ez  a disturber.  Hence 
Massychoosits  can’t  disturb  us  here  ; the  populashen  is  unani- 
mously Democratic,  and  bids  fair  to  continyoo  so. 

It  is  proper  to  state  that  the  papers  uv  which  this  volume  is 
composed  wuz  written  at  various  times  and  under  various 
circumstances.  They  reflect  the  mind  uv  the  author  doorin 
the  most  eventful  years  in  his  history,  and  mark  the  condition 
uv  the  Dimocrisy  from  week  to  week.  Consekently  they 
shift  from  grave  to  gay,  from  lively  to  severe,  with  much  alac- 
rity, the  grate  party  seemin  at  times  to  be  lifted  onto  the  top 


PREPIS. 


11 


wave  uv  success,  and  at  other  times  bein  down  in  the  trough 
uv  despondency  and  despair. 

I endoored  life  under  Linkin,  and  enjoyed  life  under  that 
martyred  saint,  Johnson.  But,  alas  ! Johnson  cooden’t  endoor. 
Dimocrisy  undertook  to  carry  the  President,  and  it  broke 
down  under  the  load.  Then  the  President  undertook  to  carry 
the  Dimocrisy,  and  he  broke  down  under  that  load.  Both 
were  sootable  to  be  carried,  but  neither  hed  the  strength  to 
carry  the  tother.  And  so  they  lay,  both  at  the  bottom  uv  the 
ditch  uv  despondency,  lookin  helplessly  at  each  other,  but 
neither  able  to  help  his  fellow-sutfrer.  They  wood  hev  em- 
braced, but  they  hedn’t  strength  enutf  to  roll  together. 

We  hed  seasons  uv  revival.  Occasionally  a state  eleckshun 
wood  result  in  our  favor,  and  we  did  succeed  in  capcherin  Noo 
York.  That  last  triumph  give  us  life  ; it  infused  vigger  into 
us.  It  operatid  like  a invigorator  — a stiff  wun  — does  onto 
the  bowels  uv  a Kentuckian  whose  flask  is  out,  and  who  hezn’t 
bin  neer  a bar-room  for  thirty-six  hours.  It  wuz  strengthenin. 

But  even  that  wuzn’t  permanent.  The  Dimocrisy  uv  that 
city  hed  a good  thing,  but  their  very  eagernis  rooined  em. 
Their  grabs  were  so  enormous  ez  to  attract  attention,  and 
down  they  went  again.  They  killed  the  goose  that  laid  the 
golden  egg.  Hed  the  Dimocratic  managers  stolen  litely,  — that 
is,  hed  they  taken  ten  years  to  hev  made  theirselves  million- 
aires instid  uv  five,  — they  wood  to-day  hev  bin  in  power,  and 
the  Democrisy  hev  hed  a nucleus  around  wich  to  rally.  But 
sich  is  fate.  There  is  frosts  wherever  there  is  flowers. 

I mite  say  more,  but  wherefore  ? Sich  ez  the  book  is,  I hist 
it  at  the  public.  Ez  the  record  uv  twelve  years  uv  hopes  and 
fears,  uv  exaltation  and  depression,  it  may  possess  interest  or 
may  not  — ’cordin  to  the  style  uv  the  reader.  Whether  it  is 
well  or  ill  received  makes  but  little  difference  to  me.  *The 
public  will  not  diskiver  its  merits  or  demerits  till  after  they  hev 
bought  the  book  (and  paid  for  it,  — for  books  is  not  like  whis- 


12 


PREFIS. 


key,  sold  on  tick),  and  with  the  buyin  uv  the  book  my  objeck  is 
attained.  They  may  possibly  murmur,  but  their  murmurs 
won’t  reach  me,  for  before  'they  kin  reach  the  Cross  Eoads, 
with  our  present  mail  facilities,  I shel  hev  gone  hentz.  Before 
that  time  my  venerable  biler,  now  weakened  in  spots,  will  hev 
bustid,  and  I shel  hev  gone  to  join  Elder  Gavitt,  John  Guttle, 
and  the  glorious  army  uv  Dimocratic  marters,  wherever  they 
may  be.  For  it  is  not  given  to  man  to  live  always,  for  wich  a 
Dimocrat  who  is  too  old  to  change  may  be  trooly  thankful. 

P.  V.  N. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 

January  29,  1872. 


iKrt’.  if 


INTRODUCTIOJf. 

»O^^CXH— 


The  Nasby  Letters  are  now  collected  in  a beautiful 
volume,  and  the  publishers  have  invited  me  to  write 
an  Introduction.  It  can  be  only  a word. ' 

Beyond  the  interest  in  these  letters  as  another 
instance  of  a peculiar  literature,  — illustrated  by 
Major  Jack  Downing,  Sam  Slick,  and  the  genius  of 
Hosea  Biglow,  — they  have  an  historic  character  from 
the  part  they  performed  in  the  war  with  slavery,  and 
in  advancing  reconstruction.  Appearing  with  a certain 
regularity  and  enjoying  an  extensive  circulation,  they 
became  a constant  and  welcome  ally.  Unquestionably 
they  were  among  the  influences  and  agencies  by 
which  disloyalty  in  all  its  forms  was  exposed,  and 
public  opinion  assured  on  the  right  side.  It  is  im- 
possible to  measure  their  value.  Against  the  devices 
of  slavery  and  its  supporters,  each  letter  was  like 
a speech,  or  one  of  those  songs  which  stir  the 

13 


14 


INTRODUCTION. 


people.  Therefore  they  belong  to  the  political  history 
of  this  critical  period. 

Of  publications  during  the  war,  none  had  such 
charm  for  Abraham  Lincoln.  He  read  every  letter 
as  it  appeared,  and  kept  them  all  within  reach  for 
refreshment.  This  strong  liking  illustrates  his  charac- 
ter, and  will  always  awaken  an  interest  in  the  letters. 
An  incident  in  my  own  relations  with  him  shows 
how  easily  he  turned  from  care  to  humor. 

I had  occasion  to  see  President  Lincoln  very  late 
in  the  evening  of  March  17th,  1865.  The  interview 
was  in  the  familiar  room  known  as  his  office,  and 
also  used  for  cabinet  meetings.  I did  not  take  leave 
of  him  until  some  time  after  midnight,  and  then 
the  business  was  not  entirely  finished.  As  I rose, 
he  said,  Come  to  me  when  I open  shop  in  the 
morning ; I will  have  the  order  written,  and  you 
shall  see  it.”  ^^When  do  you  open  shop?”  said  I. 
^^At  nine  o’clock,”  he  replied.  At  the  hour  named 
I was  in  the  same  room  that  I had  so  recently 
left.  Very  soon  the  President  entered,  stepping 
quickly  with  the  promised  order  in  his  hands, 
which  he  at  once  read  to  me.  It  was  to  disapprove 
and  annul  the  judgment  and  sentence  of  a court- 


INTRODUCTION. 


15 


martial  in  a case  that  had  excited  much  feeling. 
While  I was  making  an  abstract  of  the  order  for 
communication  by  telegraph  to  the  anxious  parties, 
he  broke  into  quotation  from  Nasby.  Finding  me 
less  at  home  than  himself  with  his  favorite  humorist, 
he  said  pleasantly,  must  initiate  you,”  and  then 
repeated  with  enthusiasm  the  message  he  had  sent  to 
the  author : For  the  genius  to  write  these  things  I 

would  gladly  give  up  my  office.” 

Eising  from  his  seat,  he  opened  a desk, behind,  and, 
taking  from  it  a pamphlet  collection  of  the  letters 
already  published,  proceeded  to  read  from  it  with 
infinite  zest,  while  his  melancholy  features  grew  bright. 
It  was  a delight  to  see  him  surrender  so  completely 
to  the  fascination.  Finding  that  I listened,  he  read 
for  more  than  twenty  minutes,  and  was  still  proceed- 
ing, when  it  occurred  to  me  that  there  must  be  many 
at  the  door  waiting  to  see  him  on  graver  matters. 
Taking  advantage  of  a pause,  I rose,  and,  thanking 
him  for  the  lesson  of  the  morning,  went  away.  Some 
thirty  persons,  including  senators  and  representatives, 
were  in  the  ante-chamber  as  I passed  out. 

Though  with  the  President  much  during  the  inter- 
vening time  before  his  death,  this  was  the  last  business 


16 


INTRODUCTION. 


I transacted  with  him.  A few  days  later  he  left 
Washington  for  City  Point,  on  the  James  Eiver,  where 
he  was  at  the  surrender  of  Richmond.  April  6th  I 
joined  him  there.  April  9th  the  party  returned  to 
Washington.  On  the  evening  of  April  14th  the  bullet 
of  an  assassin  took  his  life. 

In  this  simple  story  Abraham  Lincoln  introduces 
Nasby. 

Charles  Sumner. 


Washington,  April  1st,  1872. 


LIST  OF  ILLUSTRATIONS 


STEEL  PORTRAIT  OF  THE  AUTHOR Frontispiece. 


PRESENTATION  PAGE Page  1 

NTASBY  BEING  PHOTOGRAPHED : A STRIKING  PICTURE 33 

CHURCH  OF  ST.  VALLANDIGUM,  P.  V.  NASBY,  PASTOR,  AND  HIS  FLOCK.  71 
NASBY  COMMUNING  WITH  THE  SPIRIT  OF  ANDREW  JACKSON.  ...  102 

HOW  NASBY  WOULD  HAVE  DIED  IN  THE  LAST  DITCH 170 

THE  “NIGGER’’  AS  HE  SHOULD  BE  — AS  HE  IS 192 

DO  YOU  KNOW  CHARLES  SUMNER  ? 226 

DEPLORABLE  EFFECT  OF  THE  EMANCIPATION  PROCLAMATION.  . . 231 

NASBY’S  DREAM  OF  RETRIBUTION 240 

NASBY’S  DREAM  OF  THE  RECEPTION  OF  THE  PATRIOTS 299 

PROCESSION  AT  CONFEDRIT  X ROADS 302 

NASBY’S  DREAM  OF  PERFECT  BLISS 305 

THL  extemporaneous  SPEAKERS 333 

NASBY  EXCITED  OVER  THE  NEWS 338 

THE  ROUGH  AND  TUMBLE  AT  THE  PATERNAL  TOMB 370 

NASBY  IN  THE  CABINET 391 

“I  THUS  EMBRACE.” 410 

JOLLIFICATION  AT  THE  WHITE  HOUSE  — THE  THREE  GRACES 414 

“THREE  CHEERS  FOR  JEFFERSON  GREELEY.” . 438 

NIGGERS  RECOGNIZING  THEIR  “ MOSES.”  . 443 

PARADE  OF  THE  VIRGINS 476 

“SUFFER  LITTLE  WHITE  CHILDREN  TO  COME  UNTO  ME.” 481 

NASBY  DREAMS  HE  IS  A GENUINE  NEW  YORK  ARISTOCRAT 652 

THE  GUILLOTINE  HAS  FALLEN  ON  POSTMASTER  NASBY 590 

2 


17 


CONTENTS 


LETTERS. 

I.  An  Autobiographical  Sketch. 

Photograph  of  the  Author.  — Cost  of  Photograph.  — Birthplace  of  the  Author. 

— Precocious  Boyhood.  — Origin  of  his  Political  Principles.  — Education.— 
Enterprise.  - Misfortune.- CruelJudge.  — Objects  of  his  Life.  — Model  Father. 

Benevolent  Neighbors.  — Versatility  of  Genius.  — Becomes  a Useful  Member 

of  Society.  — Striving  for  a Fortune.  — Matrimonial  Disaster.  — Renewed  De- 
votion to  his  Life-work.  — Becomes  a Politician  and  Office-holder.— Is  happy. . 

II.  The  Secession  of  Wingert’s  Corners. 

Meeting  of  Citizens. —Nasby  Chairman.  — Address  to  the  World  adopted.— 
Grievances.  — Overburdened  Avith  Taxes,  and  without  Share  in  the  Offices.  — 
Independence  declared.  — Military  Preparations.  — The  People  resolute 

III.  Negro  Emigration. 

Negro  Population,  — Dangers  of  the  State.  — An  Alarm.  — Resolutions.  — Stir- 
ring Appeal  to  Patriotism 

IV*  Proposes  to  Celebrate  the  Fourth  of  July. 

Order  of  Proeession.  — Exercises  of  the  Day  and  Evening 

V.  Annihilates  an  Oberlinite. 

The  Cause  of  the  War.  — Perversity  and  Obstinacy  of  Oherlin.  — The  American 
Eagle.  — Effeet  of  Oberlin  Ideas 

VI.  Makes  a Candidate  “nv  Hisself” 

Reasons.  — Claims.  — Capacity.  — Principles,  — More  Resolutions.  — States  his 
Position,  which  is  Comprehensive,  — Isn’t  particular  what  Office  he  has 

VII.  Shows  why  he  should  not  be  Drafted. 

Studies  Himself.  — Is  Bald-headed.  — Dandruff.  — Catarrh.  — Blind.  — Bad  Teeth. 

— Diarrhoea.  — Costiveness.  — Ruptured.  — Varicose  Veins.  — Corns.  — And  is 

afflicted  with  Politieal  Opinions 

VIII,  In  Canada. 

Congratulations.  — Unskilful  Physicians.  — Terrors  of  Night  Travelling.  — A 
Voyage  in  an  Open  Boat.  — The  Hegira  of  the  Invalids.  — Cautious  Canadian 
Landlord.  — Unpleasant  BedfelloAv.  — Applies  to  his  Wife  for  Money 

IX.  Is  finally  Drafted. 

Homeward  Bound.  — Happy  Anticipations.  — Disappointment.  — His  Nose  be- 
trays Him.  — Seeks  Safety  by  Volunteering.  — A Ray  of  Light.  — Condensed 
Ecstasy.  — Patriotic  Enthusiasm.  — Affecting  Message  to  Louisa  Jane 

X.  Deserts  — His  Experience  in  Clothes. 

Escapes  by  a Fortunate  Mistake.  — Falls  into  the  Hands  of  the  Louisiana  Peli- 
cans.— Their  Uniform.  — Changes  his  Uniform.  — Provides  his  own  Rations... 

XI.  Captures  a Turkey. 

Discomforts  of  Military  Life.  — Light  Food  and  Clothing  and  Irregular  Pay, — 
Great  Abundance  of  Money.  — The  Turkey.  — Is  confiscated.  — Feast 

18 


33 

39 

41 

43 

44 

47 

50 

51 

53 

55 

57 


CONTENTS.  ' 


19 


XII.  Improves  his  Fortunes  by  Marriage. 

Misery.  — An  Extravagant  Wife.  — No  Credit.  — Marries  a Widow.  — Result  of 
the  Speculation.  — A Practical  Joke.  — Change  of  Views  on  Slavery  Question.  . 59 

XIII.  Converses  with  a Southern  Soldier. 

A Great  Rascal  spoiled  by  Lack  of  Brains.  — Family  Misfortunes  of  a Southerner. 

— The  Utopia  of  Mechanics.  — Nasby  as  a Watchmaker.  — Prospective  Success 

of  the  Confederacy 60 

XIV.  At  Home. 

Suffering  for  Principle.  — Human  Endurance  limited.  — Justification  of  Deser- 
tion. — How  Deserters  fare  at  Home.  — Hospitality  of  his  Friends.  — They  take 
up  a Collection.  — A Mistake.  — The  Difference  explained.  — Nasby  retains  the 
Money 62 

XV.  Assists  Draft  Resisters. 

Drills  the  Heroes  of  Hoskinville.  — Extraordinary  Military  Expertness.  — A 
Stratagem.  — Arrested  and  imprisoned 63 

XVI.  Strategises. 

The  Hobby  of  Democracy.  — Disguises  Himself.  — Negro  Invasion  — Perfect 
Success.  — Deception  justifiable 65 

XVII.  Addresses  the  Soldiers. 

Managers  of  the  Democracy  meet. — Alarming  Stupidity.  — Some  Political  Facts. 

— Inroad  of  the  Negroes.  — An  Appeal  for  Peace 67 

XVIII.  Organizes  a Democratic  Church. 

Dangerous  Influence  of  Churches.  — Nasby’s  Gigantic  Intellect  contrives  a Harai- 
less  Church.  — Order  of  Exercises.  — The  Sunday  School  on  a Pure  Basis.  — 
Catechism.  — Rewards  to  stimulate  the  Infant  Mind. —A  Festival.  — Prospec- 
tive Good.  — Touching  Scene.  — Virtue  rewarded 69 

XIX.  Goes  on  with  his  Church. 

An  Intelligent  Audience.  — The  Sermon.  — Tyranny  denounced.  — Democratic 
Class-meeting. — Confessions. — Fines  to  be  devoted  to  Missionary  Service. — 

A Rich  Field 71 

XX.  “Capcherd.” 

Joins  the  Peace  Forces  at  Millersberg.  — Is  made  Commander-in-chief.  — The 
Enemy  appear.  — Taken  and  imprisoned  at  Columbus.  — An  Epistle  to  the 
Church.  — Begs  to  be  shown  some  Little  Attention 73 

XXI.  Starts  a Paper. 

Insulting  Remark. — The“Marter  and  Tyrent  Resister”  — Principal  Contribu- 
tors : Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  V.  Nasby,  P.  Volcano  Nasby,  and  Mr.  Nasby. — 
Appeal  to  the  Democracy  for  Support.  — Enthusiastic  Reception  by  his  Church. 

— An  Assault.  — A Rescue 74 

XXII.  Preaches,  and  makes  a Sudden  Shift. 

The  Draft  Inevitable. — Precautionary  Measures.  — Two  Sets  of  Resolutions. — 
Immigration  Encouraged.  — The  Sagacious  Nasby 76 

XXIII.  Observes  a Day  of  Fasting. 

Instructions  to  his  Flock.— The  Text.  — The  Silver  Lining.  — Conundrums  in 
the  Pulpit.  — Exhortation.  — Census  of  the  Church.  — The  Church  safe 78 

XXIV.  Confession  of  Faith. 

A Glorious  Season.  — Eighteen  added  to  the  Church.  — The  Confession  of  Faith. 

— Preparations  for  a Revival 80 

XXV.  Visits  Vallandigham. 

The  Prisoner.  — A Scene.  — His  Motto  “Nil  despritrando.”  — The  Two  Great  Men 
of  the  Age,  — Plans  for  the  Salvation  of  Ohio.  — A Large  Nest  and  a Small  Hen.  81 

XXVI  Converses  with  a Brother. 

Tim  Wanderer  returns.  — Affectionate  Reception.  — Still  holds  to  Democracy. — 

Not  up  to  the  Times,  — He  repudiates  his  Party.  — Denounces  the  Degeneracy 
of  the  Times,  and  departs  with  the  Blessings  of  Petroleum  V 83 


20 


^ CONTENTS. 


XXVII.  Preaches  — Subject,  “Givin’.” 

What  is  givin<r  ? — When  should  we  give?  — Democracy  always  Scriptural. — 
Why  we  should  give.  — The  Consequences  of  not  giving.  — A Great  Lesson. ...  86 

XXVIII.  Visits  Camp  Dennison  to  Electioneer  for  Vallandigham. 

Approaches  a Party.  — Sows  his  Seed.  — Stony  Ground.  — Disagreeable  Result. — 
Outrages.  ^ — Sudden  Retreat.  — Escape.  — Sick 88 

XXIX.  Waileth. 

Resolves  to  become  a “Nunnery.”  — Martial  Law. — The  Election  Returns. — 
Swoons  — Despondency.  — An  Attempt  at  Suicide.  — Foiled.  — Prostration.  — 
Takes  to  Strong  Drink.  90 

XXX.  In  the  “ Apossel  Biznis.” 

A Democratic  Propagandist.  — Extracts  from  his  Journal.  — Pilgrimage.  — Bor- 
rows of  the  Faithful.  — A Good  Hair-dye.  — Concessions  Necessary  to  Compro- 
mise. — Borrows  Money,  and  gives  his  Note.  — Benevolence  a Characteristic.  — 
Borrows  more  Money,  which  he  expects  to  pay 92 

XXXI.  Has  an  Interview  with  the  President. 

A Modest  Request  on  Behalf  of  Ohio  Democracy.  — Lincoln,  struck  with  his 
Modesty,  promises  to  consider  the  Matter.  — Encourages  Nasby,  who,  without 
Ambition,  would  accept  a Post  Office. — Dismisses  himself  impressively,  and 
walks  off. 93 

XXXII.  Preaches. 

The  Text.  — Why  the  Democracy  needs  saving.  — A Broad  Platform.  — The  Pan- 
acea for  Democratic  Woes. — Abolitionists  must  be  induced  to  Enlist.  — And 
Canadian  Refugees  to  Return.  — A Big  Job 96 

XXXIII.  Submits  a Plan  for  the  Salvation  of  the  Democratic  Party. 

A Radical  Change.  — An  Anecdote.  — Resolves  to  Conciliate  the  Blacks 98 

XXXIV.  Takes  a Retrospective  View. 

The  Good  Old  Times.  — Disintegration  of  the  Party. — Abolition  creeps  in.  — An 
Army  of  Ghosts 99 

XXXV.  Communes  .with  Spirits. 

Nasby’s  Faith  in  Spiritualism.  — A Happy  Belief.  — The  Circle.  — The  Spirits  of 
the  Fathers.  — Unsatisfactory  Answers.  — All  the  Spirits  Impostors.  — The  Last 
Words  of  Douglas.  — The  Collection  pays  for  the  Use  of  the  Church 101 

XXXVI.  Tries  an  Experiment. 

Perversity  of  the  Human  Race.  — A Beautiful  Provision  of  Nature.  — The  Strong 
take  the  Weak  under  their  Protection.  — White  Slavery  Established  in  the 
North.  — A Strong-minded  Woman.  — The  Result.  — Disestablishes  the  System.  104 

XXXVII.  Establishes  African  Slavery. 

Tries  an  Experiment  with  Negro  Slavery.  — Proves  the  Principle  by  the  Scrip- 
tures.— A Popular  Scheme.  — The  Discussion.  — Heretics  in  the  Church. — 


This  System  also  fails.  — Jordan  a Hard  Road 106 

XXXVIII.  Opposes  the  Nomination  of  a Military  Man. 

Nasby  a Man  of  Talent.  — His  Faith  in  Democracy.  — McClellan’s  Want  of  Abil- 
ity.—Constitutional  Rights  Illustrated.  — Grant  too  Bloody.  — Party  Gymnas- 
tics.— The  Style  of'Man  Needed.  — A Happy  Thought 108 

XXXIX.  Tries  to  Awaken  an  Interest. 

Gloomy  Forebodings  . — An  Effort  at  Strategy.  — Disappointment.  — Terrible  Fall- 
ing off.  — Drifting.  — His  Congregation  Lukewarm 110 

XL.  Recommends  Unanimity. 

An  Incident.  — Borrowing  a Family  Trait.  — A Parable.  — Discouraging  Work.  — 
Moral 112 

XLI.  Again  repudiates  McClellan,  and  gives  Reasons  therefor. 

No  Elements  of  Success.  — If  elected,  would  be  of  no  Use.  — The  Parable  of  the 
Circus  Rider 114 


CONTEXTS. 


21 


XLII.  Ordains  a Missionary. 

A Promising  Candidate.  — The  Charge  after  Ordination.  — The  Ship  “ Democracy  ” 
headed  for  the  Kocks  of  Destruction.  — Rules  for  a Democratic  Missionary.  ...  116 


XLIII.  Gives  Thanks. 

A Psalm  of  Praise.  — Proviso 118 

XLIV.  Waileth. 

A Wail.  — Distraction.  — A Terrible  Bereavement 120 

XLV.  Fremont’s  Nomination. 

The  Right  Man  in  the  Right  Place.  — Encouraging  Prospects 122 


XLVl.  The  Return  of  Vallandigham. 

Great  Rejoicing.  — Somewhat  Mixed.  — The  Exile’s  Duty  to  his' Party.  — A 
Troublesome  Friend.  — The  Autlior’s  Affection  surpassed  by  his  Patriotism... . 123 

XLVIl.  Defines  his  Position,  and  appeals  for  Aid. 

Obstacles  to  Democratic  Success.  — The  Corner  Stone.  — Superstitions  of  the 
Churches.  — The  Principle  of  Property  in  the  Negro  derived  from  Blackstone. 

— A Weak  Point  in  Every  Democratic  Principle. — Laborers  Plenty,  but  Har- 


vest Scant.  — Contributions  can  .safely  be  sent  to  any  Regular  Officer 125 

XL.VIII.  Declares  for  Repudiation,  and  Union  with  the  South. 
Certain  Success  of  the  Southern  Confederacy.  — Reconciliation  of  Democracy 
with  New  England  Impossible.  — Confederacy  will  not  undertake  to  pay  our 
Debt.  — Repudiation  a Dirty  Trick.  — Democracy  must  do  it 127 

XUIX.  Shows  that  a War  Platform  won’t  do  for  the  Democracy. 

Contemplates  retiring  from  Public  Life.  — Prospective  Destruction  of  Democracy 
Immediate.  — Success  Equally  Dangerous  with  Defeat. — Clear  Elucidation  of 
the  Proposition.  — Success  not  Desirable,  and  why 130 

L.  Has  a Class-meeting,  and  Deprecates  Negro-killing. 

The  Speech  of  the  Saints.  — Brother  Siples  is  Weak,  but  has  his  Faith  Strength- 
ened.— Another  Weak  One  Strengthened.  — Misdirected  Enthusiasm.  — A 
Little  Computation.  — Vile  Slanders  refuted. — An  Honest  Man.  — Southern 
Ardor  Dampened.  — A Touching  Picture.  — Nasby’s  Flock  still  Strong 131 

JLiI.  Starts  a Society  of  His  Own. 

An  Order  adapted  to  the  Party.  — The  Ritual.  — A Series  of  Interesting  Queries. 

— Position  of  the  Society  strong.  — Appeals  to  the  Natural  Instincts  of  its 

Members 132 

IiH.  Indorses  the  Nomination. 

Always  does  from  Principle.  — Biographical  Sketch  of  a Candidate. — The  Father 
of  the  Man.  — His  Railroad  Experience.  — His  Military  Career  Well  Known.  — 
Nasby  accepts  the  Platform,  and  takes  up  a Collection 134 

L.III.  The  Candidates  and  Platform. 

The  Enthusiasm  for  McClellan.  — Diversity  of  Opinion.  — The  Idea  of  Brother 
Guttle.  — Is  a little  Particular.  — Consolatory  Remarks  of  the  Pastor.  — An 
Accommodating  Platform.  — Guttle  Squelched 137 

UIV.  Waileth. 

Psalm  of  Humiliation  and  Agony.  — A Double-barrelled  Wail.  — A Cry  of  An- 
guish.— A Heart-rending  Wail.  — Job,  Naaman,  and  Samson  discounted.  — The 
Ox  and  the  Ass.  — Curses  the  Day  of  his  Birth 139 

LV.  Uamenteth. 

Reaches  a Conclusion.  — A Reason  of  Mourning.  — Psalm.  — Nowhere  to  turn. 

— A Prayer  for  Victory 14T 

LVI.  Has  a Dream. 

Dreams  are  Unsubstantial.  — Likewise  Ghosts.  — An  Exploration  of  the  Future. 

An  Interesting  Exammation.  — A Prince  in  Disguise.  — A Case  of  Slander. 

— Reflections  on  Posterity 143, 


22 


CONTENTS. 


LVII.  Loses  a Frieiid,  and  Writes  his  Obituary. 

The  Fallen  Pillar.  — A Beautiful  Trait  of  Character.  — Commences  his  Political 
Career.  — Perseverance.  — Death  Hastened  by  Disappointment.  — A Consistent 
Member  of  the  Church.  — Comprehensive  Political  Principles.  — Direct  Cause 
of  his  Death.  — His  Last  Words 145 

LVOI.  Has  a Difficulty  Avith  his  Flock,  and  leaves  it. 

Freedom’s  Squawk.  — A Happy  Reason.  — The  Dream  changes.  — How  the  Re- 
sult was  Accounted  for. — hraud. — A Strategical  Retreat."— Bids  Farew'cll  to 
his  Flock,  and  departs  for  New  Jersey 148 

LIX.  Deprecates  the  Arming  of  the  Slaves  by  the  South. 

A Dissertation  on  Blood.  — Inferiority  of  Northern  White  Soldiers.  — Chivalry 
of  Officers.  — A Touching  Picture.  — Fearful  Destruction  of  Property.  — Conso- 
lation of  Democracy.  — What  ought  to  be  done 150 

LX.  Has  a Frightful  Dream. 

Is  afflicted  with  Dreams.  — Jefferson  at  the  Funeral  of  Democracy.  — Is  Sur- 
prised.— More  Surprises.  — And  still  more.  — Douglas  speaks  over  the  Dead 
Body 152 

LXI.  Proposes  an  Emigration  of  the  Democracy. 

Thoughts  derived  from  the  Bilile. — The  Dangerous  Remedy.  — A Mathematical 
Calculation.  — How  to  Make  Heroes.  — A Nation  of  Office-holders 154 


LXII.  Consults  the  Spirits. 

Has  no  Faith  in  Spirits.  — Too  Ethereal.  — Some  Tests.  — An  Assortment  of  Spir- 
its. — Some  Necessary,  but  Unpleasant  Truths.  — Secession  caused  by  the  North.  156 

LXIII.  W’aileth  and  Curseth. 

Bad  News.  — A Wail  and  Curse.  — An  Epidemic.  — “ Speshly  hot”  Curse. — 
Sherman’s  “ Cussidness.” 158 

LXIV.  Renounces  Slavery. 

Wages  of  Sin.  — Why  he  Renounces  Slavery.  — The  Car  of  Emancipation.  — The 
DieviTs  Work.  — Sighs  for  the  Fate  of  Jonah. — Juggernaut.  — The  Circular...  160 

LXV.  Lamenteth. 

A Soul-rending  Lamentation.  — Surrounded  by  Enemies.  — The  Provost-Marshal.  162 

LX VI.  Details  the  Failures  of  the  Democracy. 

The  Stupidity  of  the  People  mourned  over.  — Failures  in  the  Business  of  Proph- 
esying. — The  People  Crazy.  — Convinced  of  the  Truth  of  the  Milleritc  Doctrine.  163 

LXVII.  Mr.  Nasby  and  his  Friends  hold  a Meeting  on  the 
Fall  of  Charleston. 

A Moist  Season.  — The  Resolutions.  — Adopted.  — Nasby  makes  a Speech.  — The 
Fall  of  Charleston  a Blessing.  — Makes  a Sensation.  — And  takes  Occasion  to 
borrow  a little  Money 164 

LXVIII.  Lamenteth  over  the  Apostasy  of  the  Saints. 

Tidings  of  Evil.  — A Succession  of  Misfortunes.  — Weeping  and  Cursing  of  no 
Avail.  — A Loss  of  Faith  in  Humanity.  — The  Backbone  of  the  Party  gone...  167 

LXIX.  The  Fall  of  Richmond,  and  Lee’s  Surrender. 

Concentration.  — Lee  Surrenders.  — Contemptible  Actions  of  the  Southern  Peo- 
ple. — Tlie  Last  Concentrate  Concentrated.  — Democracy  about  to  Die  of  Cha- 


grin and  other  things.  — Nasby  resolves  to  become  a Nun  169 

LXX.  The  Assassination. 

A Nation  in  Mourning.  — Nasby  Mourns.  — Why.  — Why  he  eyer  Disliked  Lin- 
coln.— Forgives  him.  — The  Change  not  for  the  Better 171 

LXXI.  Makes  a “ Delegashun  uv  Hisself,”  and  Visits  the  President. 

Delegations  in  Vogue,  — Defence  of  New  Jersey.  — Responsibility  of  the  Pres- 
ident. — The  Only  Plan.  — Difference 173 


CONTENTS. 


23 


LXXII.  Has  a Vision. 

Ancient  Dreams  Prophetical.  — Reception  at  the  Gates  of  Heaven.  — Better  Re- 
ception in  another  Place.  — Interview  with  Satan.  — His  Property.  — In  Fee. — 
Mortgages.  — Who  will  and  Who  will  not. — A Narrow  Escape.  — A Happy 
Awakening 175 

LXXIII.  Lays  down  a Platform  for  the  coming  Campaign. 

What  the  Matter  is.  — Red  Flag  of  the  Democracy.  — “ Save  us  from  Nigger 
Equality.”  — Central  Committees  must  furnish  them.  — If  they  won’t  steal,  the 
Committee  must  for  them 178 

LXXIV.  Meets  a “ Reconstructid  Suthern  Chiveiry,  and  hez 
Confidences.” 

Genera]  Marion  Sumpter  Fitzhngh  Gusher.  — A True  Gentleman. — Parental  Af- 
fection for  the  Old  Flag.  — State  Rights.  — A Child  of  Nature.  — Conditions  of 
Peace. — Generosity  of  Southern  Democracy. — A Noble  Man.  — Nasby  be- 
comes a Lender 180 

LXXV.  Dreams  a Dream. 

A Common  Recreation.  — A Monument  to  the  Heroes  of  Gettysburg.  — The  In- 
sult to  General  McGoryum.  — Indignant  Speech.  — The  Compromise 183 

LXXVI.  Issues  an  Address  to  the  Southern  Democracy. 

Two  Discoveries.  — Past  Misfortunes.  — What  to  do,  and  How  to  do  it.  — Enter- 
prising Yankee.  — Duties  of  Legislators 186 

LXXVII.  Searches  the  Scriptures,  and  Gets  Comfort  therefrom. 

The  Nigger  past  finding  out.  — Nasby  dejected. — His  Cure. — Providential  Ori- 
gin of  the  N igger.  — The  Story  of  Noah.  — Light.  — Moral 188 

LXXVIII.  Opposes  the  Nomination  of  Soldiers. 

Halting  between  two  Opinions.  — Parable  of  the  Doctor.  — His  Objections.  — Po- 
litical Capital  enough 190 

LXXIX.  Suggests  a Psalm  of  Sadness  for  his  Friends  South. 

A Psalm  of  Agony.  — The  Nigger.  — Lincoln’s  Sin.  — A Supplication  for  Mercy. . 192 

LXXX.  A Horrible  Vision. 

Campbell.  — Nasby’s  Superiority.  — The  Lost  Negro.  — The  Death  Scene.  — Fer- 
nando Wood’s  Grief.  — Funeral  Orations.  — What  Horace  Greeley  said. — 
Awakening 194 

LXXXI.  Meets  a Pardoned  Rebel,  who  Enlightens  Him. 

General  Mosher.  — A Model  Man.  — Unnecessary  Fear.  — Fate  of  the  Ancient 
Chivalry.  — Hopes.  — A Child  of  Pious  Parents 199 

LXXXII.  On  Southern  Character. 

Delusions.  — The  Effect  of  Novel  Reading.  — Youthful  Credulity. — The  Ideal 
Southerner. — The  Real  Southerner 201 

LXXXIII.  On  the  Diversity  of  the  Races. 

Unfortunate  Necessity  of  Giving  a Reason.  — No  Reason  to  Give.  — An  Ethno- 
logical Point.  — A Sound  Theory 204 

LX  XXIV.  Has  a Conversation  with  the  Devil. 

New  Jersey  in  Danger.  — Consolatory  Remarks.  — A Happy  and  Prosperous 
Devil.  — His  Fears  and  Hopes.  — A Pleasant  Country.  — Fiendish  Plans.  — A 
Warm  Embrace 206 

LXXXV.  Appeal  to  the  Democracy. 

A Time  for  Action.  — A Varietv  of  Platforms.  — A Subject  for  Contemplation. — 

New  Jersey  Safe / 1 209 

LXXXVI.  After  the  October  Elections,  1865. 

Abolitionism  Ptampant.  — An  Interrupted  Speech.  — And  a Sudden  Ending. — 
Mockery.  — A Heavy  Democratic  Majority  in  the  Future 212 


24 


CONTENTS. 


LXXXVII.  After  the  New  Jersey  Election,  18G5. 


Prospective  Happiness,  — A Terrible  Blow.  — A Sad  Song.  — A Wail." — Horrible 
Visions.  — Where  shall  Refuge  be  found  ? 214 


LXXXVIII.  A Conversation  Avith  General  MeStinger,  of  the  State 
of  Georgia,  which  is  interrupted  by  a Subjugated  Rebel. 

Washington.  — Comfortable  Quarters.  — The  Offended  Chivalry.  — The  Condi- 
tions of  Reconciliation.  — An  Interruption.  — What  Mr.  Maginnis  had  to  say. 

— His  Advice 217 

LXXXIX.  A Remarkable  Dream  — A Country  Settled  exclu- 
sively by  Democrats. 

A Second  St.  John.  — The  Democratic  Exodus.  ~ Consternation  among  the  Na- 
tives.— The  President.  — Oath  waived.  — Numbering  the  Host.  — Clergy. — 
Candidates  for  Office.  — Murmurings  and  Discontent.  — The  Moral 221 

XC.  A Change  of  Base  — Kentucky  — A Sermon  which  was 
interrupted  by  a Subjugated  and  Subdued  Confederate. 

An  Anchor. — Cheap  Tools,  — A Stupid  Blunder.  — Cheap  Drinks.  — Wages  of 
Sin.  — W'hat  is  Sin  ? — Another  Sermonizer.  — The  same  Text  from  a different 


Stand-point. — A Disagreeable  Conclusion 225 

XCI.  The  Etfect  the  Proclamation  of  Secretary  SeAvard  pro- 
duced in  Kentucky. 

The  Dark  Deed. — The  Wail  of  the  Patriarch,  — A Fainting  Scene. — The  Misery 
of  Abolitionism 229 


XCII.  A Conversation  Avith  a Eoyal  Kentuckian  Avho  had  Faith 
in  the  Final  Triumph  of  Democracy. 

A Hopeful  Kentuckian.  — His  Cure.  — Pleasant  Anticipations.  — A Difficulty 


Settled 232 

XCIII.  A Plan  Suggested  for  the  Up-building  of  the  Democracy. 
Light.  — A Suggestion. —The  Social  Sliding  Scale.  — The  Nigger  must  be  Culti- 
vated.— The  Negro  a Man.  — And  is  sweeter  than  the  Night-blooming  CereuS. 

— The  Foundation  of  the  New  Temple 235 


XCIV.  Enjoys  a Vision  of  the  Next  World,  Seeing  therein  many 
Curious  Things,  Avhich  are  Published  as  a Warning  to  Poli- 
ticians. 

Evening  Meal.  — A Light  Supper.  — The  Dividing  Line.  — Myriads  of  Little  Dev- 


ils, — Their  Amusement.  — Satan’s  Ideas.  — His  Hopes 239 

XCV.  The  Situation  — The  Democracy  Warned. 

The  Trouble  of  Living  on  Faith.  — “Where  is  the  Offices?”  — Nasl)y’s  Recom- 
mendation,— The  Central  Idea.  — Will  he  do  it  ? 243 

XCVI.  The  President’s  22d  of  February  Speech. 


The  Capture  of  the  President.  — Un.«ound  Reasons.  — A Description  of  the  Cap- 
tors. — And  their  Enthusiasm.  — A Genuine  Democrat. — The  Great  Question.  246 

XCVII.  The  President  Implored  to  ShoAV  his  Hand. 

A Protest.  — Humanity  Deceptive.  — Reasons  of  the  Speech.  — Hesitation.  — The 
Price  of  Allegiance.  — The  Central  Figure 250 


XCVIII.  The  Patriarchal  System — An  Affecting  Appeal  in  Be- 
half of  a Friend. 

Free  Negroes  Successful.  — .John  Guttle.  — An  Old  Friend.  — The  Guttle  Family. 

— Their  Downfall.  — Former  Hospitality.  — Guttle  and  the  Democracy 253 


XCIX.  A Dream— The  Course  of  Republicanism. 

An  Interview  with  the  President.  — A Sad  Want  of  Tact.  — Corpse  of  Republi- 
canism.— Dividing  the  Raiment.  — Expressions  of  Grief.  — The  Struggle  over 
the  Plunder 256 


C.  A Kentucky  Tea  Party. 

Infidelity.— ^ The  Southern  Idea  of  Sumner.  — Pollock,  the  Disturber.  — A Pain- 
ful Investigation.  — A Very  Remarkal)!e  Coincidence.  — The  Commandment. — 

A Democratic  Intcrpretati  >n.  — Assertion  of  Superiority.  — Mrs.  Pogram  threat- 
ens War.  — More  about  Sumner 260 


CONTENTS. 


25 


CI.  A Psalm  of  Gladness  — Veto  of  the  Civil  Rights  Bill. 

An  Exultant  Strain.  — What  shall  Come  to  Pass.  — Blessed  be  Moses 265 

CII.  A Cry  of  Exultation  — A Gleam  of  Light. 

The  Moses.  — Change  of  Israelites  — The  Parable  of  the  Eel.  — Process  of  Re- 
construction.— A Kentucky  Code. — A Striking  Tableau 267 

cm.  A Wail  of  Anguish — The  Passage  of  the  Civil  Rights  Bill 
over  the  Veto. 

A Kettle  full  of  Curses.  — Fire  fed  with  Oil. — The  American  Moses.  — The  Seven 
Devils.  — The  Serpent.  — Effect  of  Civil  Rights  Bill.  — Gloomy  Prospect 271 

CIV.  Mournful  Viexv  of  the  Situation. 

The  Useless  Curse.  — Negro  Impudence. — Where  is  the  Curse  ? — What  the  Presi- 
dent should  do 275 


CV.  The  Reconstructed  Congratulate  the  Country  upon  the 
• Memphis  Outbreak. 

The  Unpleasantness  at  Memphis.  — An  Orator  who  understands  his  Subject.— 


Great  Success.  — Deep  Foundations  of  Democracy.  — Impertinent  Questions  by 
a Beast.  — The  Argument 277 

CVI.  The  Workings  of  the  Freedmen’s  Bureau — A Report. 

An  Unbiassed  Report.  — The  Congregation  Assemble.  — What  Captain  Skclper 
knows  at)Out  Bureaus. — The  Infamous  Bureau.  — How  it  spoiled  the  Negroes. 

— Its  Removal  Necessary  to  the  Welfare  of  the  Country 281 

evil.  Presides  at  a Church  Trial. 

Examination  of  Witnesses. — An  Important  Point.  — Guilty,  but  Justified.  — Full 
Explanation.  — Prisoner  Discharged.  — The  Court’s  Address  to  the  People 285 

CVIII.  Turns  a Meeting,  called  to  indorse  General  Rosseau,  to 

Account. 

Chairman.  — Resolutions. — The  Everlasting  Post  Office.  — Resolutions  Unani- 
mously Adopted  without  Reading 288 

CIX.  Preaches — “ The  Prodigal  Son”  — An  Interruption. 

Splendid  Congregation.  — Promising  Prospects.  — A Plain  Statement.  — Applying 
the  Moral.  — The  Abolitionists  Preach,  but  won’t  Practise  — The  Church  Mili- 
tant.— Audits  Statement 291 


CX.  A Pleasant  Dream,  the  Philadelphia  Convention  being  the 
Subject  thereof. 

His  Dreams  mostly  Nightmares.  — The  Organization.  — Who  should  be  Admit- 


ted.— From  the  North.  — From  the  South.  — Garret  Davis’s  Speech.  — The 
Resolutions.  — Tableau.  — The  Awakening 295 

CXI.  Reward  of  Virtue  — The  Virtuous  Patriot  Secures  his 
Loaf  — Jollification. 

Receives  his  Commission.  — The  Johnsonian  Catechism.  — A Procession. — The 
Deacon’s  Speech.  — Bascom’s  Remarks.  — Congratulatory  Addresses.  — The 
Resolutions 300 

CXII.  The  Convocation  of  Hungry  Souls  at  Philadelphia  — A 


Description  of  that  Memorable  Occasion  by  One  who  had  been 
Provided  lor. 

Perfect  S itisfaetion.  — The  Delegate.  — The  Prevalence  of  the’Military.  — What 
thee  all  had  in  their  Eyes.  — Nasby  is  Overcome,  and  Faints.  — Is  Carried  Out. 

— The  Party  Bonds.  — The  Story  of  the  Irishman 305 

CXIII.  The  Great  Presidential  Excursion  to  the  Tomb  of 
Douglas  — From  Washington  to  Detroit. 

Nasby  summoned  to  Washington.  — Appointment  of  a Chaplain.  — Preliminary 
Discussion  of  the  Journey.  — The  Setting  Hen.  — The  Start.  — The  New  York 
Pecception.  — The  Progress.  — Albany.  — An  Unkind  Cut.  — Schenectady. — 
Nasby  a Man  much  sought  after.  — Utica.  — The  Speech.  — Rome.  — Lockport. 

— Too  much  Swing.  — Trouble  at  Cleveland.  — The  Procession  of  One.  — Fre- 
mont.— At  Detroit.  — Brilliant  Effort  of  the  President 310 


26 


CONTENTS. 


CXIV.  The  Presidential  Tour  Continued  — From  Detroit  to 
Indianapolis. 

Nasby  at  Home.  — The  Presidential  Cavalcade  at  Ypsilanti. — Enthusiasm  of  the 
People.  — Ann  Arbor.  — More  Enthusiasm.  — Battle  Creek.  — Cheers.  — Kala- 
mazoo.— At  Chicago.  — The  Ethiopian  Cooks.  — Trouble  at  the  Biddle  House. 

— A Dilemma.  — Nasby  Gently  Persuaded.  — Joliet.  — Crovrd  Immense.  — St. 

Louis 316 

CXV.  The  End  of  the  Presidential  Tour  — From  Louisville  to 

Washington. 

Gratified  at  last.  — A Touching  Incident.  — A Gushing  Maiden.  — Continuation 
of  the  Diary. — Cincinnati.  — Enthusiastic  Reception.  — Unsophisticated  Post- 
master.— Great  Variety  in  the  President’s  Speeches.  — At  Johnstown,  Pa. — 
Mifflin,  Pa.  — A Spontaneous  Tribute.  — Baltimore.  — Arrival  at  Washington.  — 
Postscript 320 

CXVI.  At  Home  again  — A Detailed  Accoun|  of  Soul-harrowing 
Outrages  inflicted  upon  the  People  of  Confederate  X Hoads 
by  a Party  of  Freedmen,  and  how  the  Insult  was  Wiped  out. 

At  Home  again.  — A Negro  Settlement.  — Meeting  of  the  Saints.  — Speeches  by 
the  Brethren.  — Pollock  advises.  — The  Result.  — A Reconstruction  Movement. 

— An  Unendurable  Outrage.  — Remarkable  Forbearance 324 

CXVII.  Is  requested  to  act  as  Chaplain  of  the  Cleveland  Con- 
vention—That  Beautiful  City  Visited  for  that  Purpose. 

A Chaplain  Necessary.  — The  Soldiers  in  Attendance.  — Enthusiasm  of  the  Dele- 
gates.-— A Prisoner  secured.  — A Man  of  Principle.  — Speeches.  — The  Extem- 


poraneous Speaker. —The  Wrong  Carpet  Bag 329 

CXVIIl.  An  Appeal  to  the  People  just  before  the.  October 

Elections. 

The  Sins  of  Congress.  — To  the  Democracy  direct.  — The  Magnanimity  of  the 
South.  — The  JBruised  Reed.  — A Moving  Appeal. 334 

CXIX.  The  October  Elections  — The  Effect  the  Result  Produced 
in  Kentucky. 

Deacon  Pogram’s  Suggestion.  — Joe  Bigler's  Definition  of  Conservative.  — The 
Pogram  Household.  — The  Effect  of  the  News.  — Fruits  of  Radicalism 338 

CXX.  The  October  Elections  — Mr.  Nasby’s  Opinion  on  the 
Cause  of  the  Defeat  of  the  President. 

The  Cabinet  Meeting.  — The  Testimony  of  an  Official. — How  an  Expert  did  it. 

— The  Main  Pillar.  — The  Cabinet  in  Tears 342 


CXXI.  Will  you  have  Andrew  Johnson  President  or.  King  1 — 

A Dream  in  which  Andrew  Johnson  Figures  as  a King,  sur- 
rounded by  his  Nobles. 

Nasby  of  an  Imaginative  Nature.  — The  Reception  Night  of  “ Androo  the  I.”  — 

His  High  Mightiness. — The  Servants. — The  Arrival  of  the  Nobility.  — The 
Prisoners  of  State.  — “The  last  uv  the  Tribunes.”  — What  had  been  done. — A 
Postmaster  as  Good  as  a Nobleman 346 

CXXII.  A Cabinet  Meeting  — Letters  from  Rev.  Henry  Ward 
Beecher,  General  Custar,  Henry  J.  Raymond,  and  Hon.  John 
Morrissey,  each  Anxious  to  Preserve  his  Reputation  — A Sad 
Time  at  the  White  House. 

Several  Gentlemen  Alarmed  for  their  Reputations.  — Mr.  Beecher’s  Respect  for 
the  Office.  — The  Morrissey  Seal.  — A Broken  Heart 350 

CXXIII.  A Sermon  upon  the  November  Elections,  from  the 
Text,  “No  Man  Putteth  New  Wine  into  Old  Bottles,”  with  a 
Digression  or  Two. 

A Mournful  Season  at  the  Corners.  — The  Happy  Negro.  — A Servant  unto  his 
Brethren.  — The  New  Wine  in  Old  Bottles.  — Old  Cloth  on  a New  Garment.  — 

The  Conclusion 355 


CONTENTS. 


27 


CXXIV.  The  Amnesty  Proposition  — The  Cross  Roads  made 
the  Victim  of  a Cruel  Hoax. 

The  Little  Game  of  Draw.  — The  New  York  Drummer.  — The  Joy  which  Filled 
the  Corners.  — Moderate  Qualifications.  — The  Superiority  of  the  Caucasian 
Race  Vindicated.  — The  Deacon’s  Exposition.  — Sad  Discovery 359 

CXXV.  Mr.  Nashy  Projects  a College. 

A Southern  College.  — The  Deacon’s  Idea  of  Education.  — The  College  Grounds. 

— The  Faculty.  — Curriculum.  — The  Executive  Committee 363 

CXXVI.  Mr.  Nasby  Tries  to  Weep  at  the  Tomb  of  a Friend. 

The  Death  of  John  Guttle.  — Sad  Reflections.  — Causes  of  his  Death.  — The 
Guttle  Family.  — The  Negro  an  Imitative  Animal.  — Mr.  Nasby  at  the  Grave. 

— The  Meeting  of  the  Daughters.  — Interesting  Conversations.  — The  Wreck 

that  Ensued 367 

CXXVII.  Mr.  Nasby  in  North  Carolina  — The  Abrogation  of 
General  Sickles’s  Order. 

Colonel  Podgers.  — The  Insult.  — The  Trial  and  Decision.  — Nasby’s  Modesty.  — 

And  Colonel  Podgers’s  Liberality 370 

CX XVIII.  Mr.  Nasby’s  Account  of  his  Stewardship  — Laying 
the  Corner  Stone  of  the  College  Edifice. 

The  Report. — Where  the  Money  went  to.  — Indignation.  — Laying  the  Corner 
Stone.  — Reflections  on  Posterity. — Tableau 374 

CXXIX.  Mr.  Nasby  Essays  a Sermon,  but  is  Interrupted  by  a 


Nigger. 

A Devoted  Flock. —The  Text.  — Ethnological  Proofs. — An  Unexpected  Inter- 
ruption.— “Out  of  the  Mouths  of  Babes  and  Sucklings.’’  — An  Awkward  Ar- 
gument.— An  Immense  Condemnation 378 

CXXX.  Mr.  Ndsby  does  the  Cross  Roads  a Service. 

Peace  at  the  Corners.  — Studies.  — The  Uses  of  Northerners.  — A Discovery. — 
Brother  Lee’s  Experience. — His  Conclusion.  — Deacon  Pogram’s  Joy 382 

CXXXI.  An  Important  Case  at  the  Corners  under  the  Vagrant 
Act  — The  Decision  of  Squire  Gavitt. 

The  Case  Stated.  — The  Trial.  — Sudden  Adjournment  of  the  Court.  — How  the 
Negro  was  made  a Vagrant.  — Unconstitutional  Laws.  — The  Decision 387 

CXXXII.  Mr.  Nasby  is  Despatched  by  the  President  upon  a 
Mission,  similar  to  that  of  Mr.  McCracken. 

The  McCracken  Mission.  — A Dirty  Business.  — An  Anecdote.  — Discovers  the 
Causes  of  Defeat.  — New  York  Postmasters  round.  — In  Ohio.  — The  Disguised 
Nobleman.  — His  Success.  — An  Affecting  Incident.  — Discomforts  of  Travel.. . 391 


CXXXIII.  Mr.  Nasby’s  Board  Commences  the  Compilation  of 
a Series  of  School  Books  tor  the  “ Ii|stitoot.” 

That  Corner-Stone.  — The  Proposed  Series. — Some  Examples.  — Joe  Bicler  in- 
terferes.— And  makes  Trouble.  — His  Examples.  — Recommends  their  Adop- 
tion emphatically 395 

CXXXI V.  Mr.  Nasby  desires  Confirmation — Is  Advised  How 
to  Proceed  by  the  President,  but  Rejects  the  Proposition  with 
Scorn. 

Reflections.  — His  former  Visit  to  Washington.  — Willard’s.  — The  President’s 
Dodge. — The  Letter. — A Satisfactory  Explanation.  — A Spasm  of  Faith- 
fulness   399 

CXXXV.  Mr.  Nasby  takes  a Retrospective  View. 

The  Military  Law.  — Grecian  Strategy.  — An  Organ  Backslides.  — Discouraged. . 404 

CXXXVI.  Mr.  Nasby,  in  Imitation  of  Wade  Hampton,  tries  to 
Conciliate  the  African. 

An  Official  Order. — Which  was  promptly  obeyed. — Buying  Negroes. — A Stir- 
ring Speech.  — The  Universal  Brotherhood.  — A Spoiled  Scene.  — The  Minutes 
not  preserved.  — Want  of  Capital.  — Joe  Bigler’s  Advice 408 


28 


CONTENTS. 


CXXXVII.  The  Connecticut  Election. 

Sensation  at  tbe  Corners.  — The  Deacon  Electioneering. — A Sudden  Change. — 

A Cabinet  Jollification.  — Carnival  at  the  White  House.  — The  Removal  of  the 
Institute.  — A Demoralized  Yankee.  — Nasby’s  Prospects.  — The  Normal  Con- 
dition.   412 

CXXXVIII.  The  Russian  Purchase. 

Orisin  of  the  Idea.  — A Dangerous  Position.  — Nasl)y’s  Suggestion.  — Testimo- 
nials to  the  Value  of  the  Country.  — From  a Naval  Officer.  — Furs.  — Profes- 
sions. — The  Isothermal  Line.  — Seward’s  Enthusiasm.  — The  Real  Point.  — 
Nasby’s  Opinion.  — The  Assignments 417 

CXXXIX.  A Slight  Alteration  in  the  Name  and  Policy  of  Mr. 

Nasby’s  “Institoot.” 

A Meeting  of  the  Faculty.  — Ham  and  Japheth.  — Bascom’s  Resolutions. — Why 
Offered.  — The  Deacon’s  Doubt.  — Removed  by  Bascom 422 

CXL.  Mr.  Nasby  Preaches  a Sermon,  the  Effect  of  which  is 
Destroyed  by  Northern  Papers. 

Trouble  Avith  the  Niggers.  — A Mixed  Congregation.  — The  Sermon  itself.  — The 
Scene  after  Service.  — Spoiled  the  Next  Day.  — The  Northern  Papers.  — Re- 
proaches the  Brethren  at  the  North 426 

CXLI.  The  Decease  of  Elder  Gavitt. 

The  Fallen  Pillar.  — Birth  and  Education.  — He  didn’t  Read.  — Why  ? — A Stead- 
fast Democrat. — The  Cause  of  his  Death.  — The  Sad  Event.  — The  Funeral. 

— Ends  with  a Row.  — Contributions  for  the  Monument 430 

CXLII.  Triumphal  Progress  ol  J.  Davis  from  Fortress  Monroe 
to  Richmond. 

Release  of  Jefferson  Davis. — Generous  Magnanimity.  — The  Perfect  Arrange- 
ments.— Sympathy. — The  Conference.  — His  Grief.  — Scene  in  the  Court 
House.  — Out  on  Bail.  — His  Plans 435 

CXLIII.  An  Account  of  the  Trip  to  Raleigh. 

The  Discussion  in  the  Cabinet.  — Seward  Approves  the  Trip. —Randall  opposes 
it.  — The  Determination.  — Affecting  Demonstrations  of  Popular  Favor.  — The 
President’s  Speech.  — The  Penniless  Boy.  — The  Monument,  — Affecting 
Scene.  — The  Tableau 437 

CXLIV.  The  Boston  Excursion. 

Randall’s  Opinion.  — Prospects  of  a Successful  and  Delightful  Tour.—  Decides  to 
go. — In  New  York.  — A Massachusetts  Governor. — His  Welcome.  — The 
President’s  Reply.  — A Precautionary  Measure.  — The  Boston  Way  of  doing  it.  445 

CXLV.  Mr.  Nasby  Dreams  a Dream. 

Inquiries  from  the  South.  — The  Dying  Giant.  — The  Heavy  Load.  — The  Catas- 
trophe. — Interpretation  and  Moral 450 

CXLVI.  The  Negro  Question  — The  Change. 

Too  many  Reasons.  — A Simple  Proposition,  — Religion  vs.  Politics.  — A Hard 
Point.  — A Test  Case.  — Astrological  Examination.  — A Mathematical  Demon- 
stration. — The  Intellectual  Difference.  — Too  much  Investigation.  — Too  many 
Facts.  — Terrible  Result 453 

CXliVlI.  A Consultation  at  the  Corners,  followed  by  a Dream. 

Conferring  Degrees.  — The  Next  President.  — The  Dream.  — Disguising  the  Lion. 

— And  his  Death.  — The  Interpretation.  — Nasby  Approves  the  Nomination. . . 459 

CXLVIII.  An  Amnesty  Proclamation. 

A Familiar  Consultation.  — The  President’s  Confidence.  — Letters. — The  Presi- 


dent’s Strategy.  — The  Proclamation  decided  on.  — Nasby  Delighted 463 

CXLIX.  Mr.  Nasby  in  a Democratic  County  in  Southern  Ohio. 

he  Inducement.  — A Description  of  the  ToAvn.  — An  Excited  Populace.  — 
Taxes.  — Painful  Experience. — Friends  Moving.  — The  Speech.  — The  Per- 
oration.— An  Uiqileasant  Denouement 468 


CONTENTS. 


29 


CL.  The  Antietam  Dedication. 

At  'Washington.  — The  Cabinet.  — Making  an  Address.  — Corrections.  — The 

Speech  Completed.  — An  Objection  overruled 472 

CLI.  Mr.  Nasby  Assists  in  the  Ohio  Election  — The  Defeat  of 
the  Amendment. 

The  Preparations.  — The  Parades.  — Anti-Negro  Feeling.  — Deep  Feeling  in  the 
Community.  — Intelligence.  — The  Effect  in  Kentucky.  — Meeting  at  the  Cross 
Roads.  — The  Faculty  of  the  Institute  determine  to  Revise  the  Scriptures.  — 

The  Word  “ White.”  476 

CLII.  A Meeting  at  the  Corners. 

Cogitation  over  the  Elections, — The  Regular  Speech.  — And  the  Regular  Inter- 
ruption.— Diluted  Capital.  — Illustrations.  — The  Troubled  Sisters. — Sudden 
Adjournment 481 

CLIII.  The  November  Election. 

Joy  at  the  Corners.  — A Picture.  — The  Meeting.  — Deacon  Pogram’s  Claim.  — 
Other  Claims.  — The  Discussion.  — An  Effort  and  a Failure 485 

CLIV.  Mr.  Nasby  Regulates  a School. 

Written  under  Happy  Circumstances.  — The  Distiu’ber,  Lett.  — Troul)le  in  the 
School.  — The  Expulsion.  — The  Morey  Girls.  — Recuperation 490 

CLV.  The  Alabama  Convention  — The  Woes  of  John  Guttle,  Jr. 

A Fearful  Night. — A Chip  of  the  Old  Block.  — A Disconsolate  Crowd.  — The 
Troubles  of  Guttle.  — The  Convention.  — Who  were  there.  — Ruin  ahead 494 

CLVI.  A Convention  of  Sufferers. 

Nasby’s  Letter.  — His  Sufferings.  — A Brief  History.  — His  Tableau  in  Canada. — 
Sufferings  of  a Saint.  — And  the  Reward 498 

CLVII.  The- Decease  of  Elder  Fennibacker. 

Moral  Reflections.  — Nasby  does  not  Waste  Strength.  — A Fallen  Pillar.  — Sketch 
of  his  Life. — His  Many  "Virtues. — Was  an  Inventor.  — A Dilemma.  — The 
Last  Illness.  — A Happy  Death.  — A General  Disappointment 502 

CLVIII.  The  Pendleton  Theory  in  Kentucl^y. 

Silence  at  the  Corners  accounted  for.  — Mr.  Bigler’s  Grief.  — The  Theory  not 
Original.  — How  the  Old  Thing  Works.  — Unexpected  Result.  — Bascoin’s  Tri- 
umph. — The  Peace-Makers.  — Peace  Restored 505 

CLIX.  The  Impeachment  Matter. 

At  Washington.  — Letter  from  Belmont.  — Letter  from  Pierce.  — Other  Letters. 

— Mr.  Randall’s  Conclusion 509 

CLX.  Pollock  vs.  Bigler. 

Excitement  at  the  Corners.  — The  Trouble  Increases.  — Two  Large  Families. — 

The  Terrible  Examination.  — Trouble  among  the  Deacons.  — The  Recon- 
ciliation   513 

CLXI.  Sergeant  Bates  in  Pettusville,  Virginia. 

The  Procession.  — Reception  Speech.  — A Discourse  on  the  Fkig.  — Concluding 

Ceremonies 518 

CLXII.  A Convention  at  the  Corners. 

Former  Mode  of  Argument.  — Joe  Bigler  interferes  with  the  County  Convention. 

— The  Discussion  of  his  Rights.  — Resolutions,  Regular  and  Irregular.  — Big- 

ler’s Resolutions.  — Posterity.  — Meaning  of  the  Term.  — The  Convention  Dis- 
solved  522 

CLXIII.  The  Preparation  of  the  Martyr  for  the  Coming  Event. 

Mrs.  Cobb’s  Adieu.  — Her  Circumstances.  — The  President’s  Simple  Wants. — 

His  Determination.  — What  his  Friends  say 525 

CLXIV.  The  Impeachment  Failure  — The  Feeling  at  the  White 

House. 

Great  Excitement.  — Despatches  from  Friends.  — The  Coolness  of  Randall.  — A 
Dream.  — A Race.  — Stripping  the  Racers.  — The  Start 528 


30 


CONTENTS. 


CLXV.  The  Chicago  Convention  — Mr.  Nasby  gets  on  a Heavy 

Disgust. 

In  the  Wrong  Pew.  — Hospitality  of  the  Various  Delegations.  — Insult  to  Ken- 
tucky. — A Judicious  Pause.  — A Short  Discourse  on  Democracy.  — The  Great 
Idea 533 

CLXVI.  The  Democratic  Candidate  for  the  Presidency. 

Mr.  Nasby’s  Nominee.  — Why  ? — Jethro  L.  Kippens.  — Is  Geographically  Level. 

— Nobody  knows  him.  — Happy  Position  on  the  War  Question.  — Has  the  El- 
ements of  Popularity.  — Other  Qualitications.  — Is  National  in  his  Views 537 

CLXVII.  Mr.  Nasby  a Delegate  to  New  York. 

On  the  Way  to  NeAv  York.  — Assaults  a Nigger.  — His  Success.  — Finds  him  a 
Delegate.  — Resolutions.  — Determined  to  be  Suited 540 

' CLXVIII.  A Futile  Attempt  to  Ratify  the  Nominations  at  the 

Corners. 

The  Decorations.  — A Good  Beginning.  — Trouble.  — Excited  Discussion.  — Nas- 
by’s Safety.  — The  Terrible  Ending 544 

CLXIX.  The  Presidential  Election. 

Bad  News. — The  Election  of  Grant.  — Fate.  — The  Dark  Future.  — Mr.  Bigler’s 
Advice  to  the  Deacon.  — A Prophecy 548 


CLXX.  Mr.  Nasby  goes  to  New  York,  and  establishes  himself 

in  Business. 

A Change  of  Base.  — The  Outfit.  — His  Friends  Encourage  Him.  — Indulges  in  a 
Dream.  — His  Sign.  — The  Opening.  — Nasby  Treats  the  Crowd,  and  is  a Pop- 
ular Man.  — The  Opening  too  Gorgeous.  — The  Awakening  and  Ending 551 

CLXXI.  Mr.  Nasby  and  his  Friends  Consider  the  Question  of 
Bread  and  Butter. 

A Discussion.  — He  Proposes  to  Settle  Somewhere.  — Distance  an  Object. — To 
his  Friends.  — Joe  Bigler’s  Suggestions.  — The  Life  of  an  Organ  Grinder. — 
Objections.  — His  Friends  force  Assistance  on  Him.  — An  Obstacle 555 

CLXXII.  Mr.  Nasby  Finds  a New  Business,  which  Promises 
Ample  Profits. 

A Light.  — A Prosperous  Beginning.  — His  First  Clients.  — The  Claim.  — What  is 
Loyalty?  — A History  of  the  Claims.  — How  it  Was. — Another  Outrage. — 
Numerous  Claims  at  the  Corners 558 

CLXXIII.  The  Last  Outrage  upon  Kentucky  — Passage  of  the 
Constitutional  Amendment  by  the  House. 

Nasby’s  Influence  on  the  Right  Side.  — A Pleasant  Picture.  — Effect  of  the  Out- 


rage on  the  Corners.  — How  it  Was.  — Majesty  of  the  Law.  — How  it  Will  he. 

— Practice  in  Justice  Pennibacker’s  Court.  — A Weak  Point  in  the  Amendment. 

— The  Only  Hope 561 

CLXXI V.  The  Last  Cabinet  Meeting  — The  End  of  the  John- 
son Reign. 


The  Contrast.  — A Moist  Administration.  — The  Calm  President.  — His  Last 
Acts.  — The  Leave  Taken.  — The  Caliinet^  — What  will  Become  of  Randall.  — 
What  the  Rest  wdl  do.  — The  Magnanimous  Johnson 565 

CLXXV.  Mr.  Nasby  Witnesses  a Procession  of  the  Sons  of  Erin. 

The  Enthusiasm.  — A Dream.  — The  Banquet.  — St.  Gumbo.  — Letters  of  Regret. 

— Mr.  Nasby  Regrets  that  he  was  not  a Negro 570 

CLXXVI.  The  Corners  Outraged. 

A Crowning  Disgrace.  — A Nigger  Assessor.  — A Peculiarly  Aggravating  Case. — 

The  Power  he  Wielded. — And  How  He  Did  it.  — A Rich  Assessor.  — A Blind 
Government 574 

CLXXVII.  The  Corners  Have  a Discussion  as  to  the  Matter  of 
Carpet-Baggers. 

The  Corners.  — Alarm  — A Meeting.  — Speech  of  the  Champion.  — Free  Discus- 
sion.— Joe  Bigler’s  Speech.  — The  True  Carpet-Bagger. — The  Resolutions. — 

An  Unexpected  Turn.  — A Light.  — The  Distinction.  — A Definition 578 


CONTENTS. 


31 


CLXXVin.  Mr.  Nasby  Nurses  the  Labor  Movement  at  the 

Corners. 

Enthusiastic  Meeting.  — The  Protest.  — The  Negro  Plasterer.  — His  Insolence. — 
Changes  his  Trade.  — His  Fate.  — Nasby  Proposes  to  Lead  the  Anti-Negro 
Movement 582 

CLXXIX.  Mr.  Nasby  and  his  Confreres  hold  a Commercial 
Convention  ^t  Jhe  Corners. 

The  Delegates  and  Officers. — The  Letters  of  Regret.  — A Resolution. — Black 
Sheep.  — The  Work  Done.  — Women  at  the  Corners.  — A Singular  Omission. — 


The  Convention  Re-assembled.  — Resolutions  Passed 585 

CLXXX.  Mr.  Nasby  at  last  Loses  his  Post  Office. 

Out  of  Office.  — The  Corners  in  Mourning.  — A Small  but  Talented  Procession. — 

The  Negroes  Up.  — The  Whites  Down.  — Trouble.  — Nasby’s  Bondsmen.  — De- 
spair. — What  he  Proposes  to  do 590 


CLXXXI.  Mr.  Nasby  Receives  a Letter  from  his  Steadfast 

Friend. 

In  Ohio.  — A Letter  from  Home.  — The  Surroundings  at  Pepper’s.  — A Mine  Dis- 
covered.— Trouble  in  Kentucky.  — Affectionate  Remembrance  of  Na.sby  at  the 
Corners.  — The  Lack  of  Labor.  — Bloated  Bondholders,  — The  Bond  Question. 

— How  it  was  met.  — Joe  Bigler  steps  in.  — Consistency 594 

CLXXXII.  Mr.  Nasby  attends  a Convocation  of  the  Democracy 
of  New  York. 

The  Officers.  — Resolutions. — What  they  Wanted.  — The  Debate.  — The  Ameri- 
* can  Consul  at  New  York 600 

CLXXXIII.  Settled  at  last  — The  City  of  New  York  to  be  his 
Final  Resting-Place. 

The  Dove.  — The  Harp  of  Erin.  — He  Serves  the  Party  Best  who  Votes  the  Most. 

— A Successful  Opening.  — Precautionary  Measure.  — Speeches  and  Toasts.. . 602 

CLXXXIV.  Mr.  Nasby  Gives  a Brief  Account  of  his  New  Es- 
tablishment. 

The  Trade.  — Bad  Company.  — Terrence  O’Sullivan.  — Holds  Office.  — A Soft 
Thing.  — Mr.  O’Sullivan’s  Brother.  — They  Visit  Sing-Sing. — Remonstrate 
with  the  Warden.  — O’Sullivan’s  Determination.  — Mr.  Nasliy  Consoles  and 
Encour.iges.  — A Ray  of  Light.  — Protection  of  the  Democracy 605 

CLXXXV.  The  Friends  of  Mr.  Nasby  hold  a Meeting,  and  in- 
dulge in  a Wail  over  the  Passage  of  the  Filteenth  Amend- 
ment by  the  Ohio  Legislature. 

Meeting  in  the  Sixth  Ward.  — Nasby  Chairman.  — What  was  Said. — The  Effect 
in  New  York.  — A Revolution.  — An  Unpleasant  Reminder.  — Nasby’s  Plans 


and  Prospects 609 

CLXXXVI.  Mr.  Nasby  in  a Despondent  Frame  of  3Iind. 

A Kentucky  Conference.  — Signs  of  the  Times. — Preamble  and  Resolutions. — 

A Fearful  Squabble.  — Disappointment.  — Recreant  Senators 612 

CLXXXVII.  The  Fifteenth  Amendment. 

A Meeting. —Different  Views  of  the  Matter.  — Resolutions  Proposed  by  Nasby. 

— A New  Dep  irture.  — Another  Set  of  Resolutions.  — The  Prompt  Action  at 
the  Harp  of  Erin 615 

CLXXXVIII.  Mr.  Nasby  Attempts  to  get  Possession  of  the 
Negro  Vote. 

After  the  Ethiopian.  — An  Ethiopian  Secured.  — The  Second  Ethiopian.  — At  last 
One  is  Cornered  and  Prepared.  — The  Failure 619 

CLXXXIX.  A Few  Last  Words  — The  Writer  hereof  bids  his 
Readers  Farewell,  and  hurls  a Trifle  of  Exhortation  after 
them.  « 

Farewell.  — Nasbv’s  Experience  Peculiar.  — The  Nigger  Votes.  — The  Hope  of 
Democracy.  — Natural  Provisions.  — Words  of  Good  Cheer.  — Farewell 623 


32 


CONTENTS. 


LECTURES. 


I.  “Cussid  be  Canaan.”  ' 

All  Men  Free  and  Equal.  — The  Fathers  of  the  Democratic  Party.  — How  the 
Declaration  Should  Read.  — Some  Cntieisms,  — On  Various  Writers  and  the 
Bible.  — Nigger  and  Negro.  — Distinguished  by  “It”  and  “Him.”  — The  Ha- 
ters of  Nigger  Equality.  — Jefferson’s  Ignorance.  — The  Affair  of  Noah.  — The 
Flood.  — Indiscretion. — The  Curse.  — A Huge  Devil.  — Who  are  White  Men  ? 

— Ham’s  Apology.  — Beginning  of  Democracy.  — A Blessed  Curse.  — What 
might  have  been.  — How  the  Curse  Didn’t  Work. — Nimrod. — Weak  Spots.  — 
More  Difficulties. — The  Extent  of  the  Curse.  — The  Question  of  Color. — The 
Blackness  Accounted  for.  — From  the  Kentucky  Point  of  View.  — From  the 
Negro  Point.  — Matter  of  Heat.  — Has  its  Advantages. — Location.  — Descend- 
ants of  Canaan. — The  Tub.  — An  Ancestry.  — Why  the  Curse  was  Believed 
in.  — Its  Convenience. — The  Attempt  to  Kill  the  Curse.  — Missionaries,  Mis- 
called Pirates.  — The  Curse  Killed.  — The  Audacity  of  the  Canaanites.  — How 
they  Helped  in  the  VVar.  — Their  Ingratitude.  — Their  Privileges  at  the  South. 

— The  Curse  Abandoned.  — Lee’s  Surrender.  — Southern  Modesty.  — The  Ne- 

gro not  a Man. —The  Bureau  of  Perfumery.  — Ignorance. —The  Troubles 
Encountered.  — The  Beast  Theory.  — Difficulties  of  it.  — What  Becomes  of  the 
Beast  at  Death.  — The  Black  Face  under  a Blue  Cap.  — The  Cowardice  of  the 
Republicans.  — A Philosophical  Truth.  — How  Shall  We  Dispose  of  the  Ne- 
gro.^— The  Lion  Prejudice. — What  to  Do. — Negroes  in  Office. — ^The  People 
should  have  the  Choice.  — Man.  — The  Negro’s  Rights.  — All  Men  Created 
Equal 629 

II.  The  Struggles  of  a Conservative  with  the  Woman  Question. 

A Conservative.  — By  Birth  and  Education.  — The  Ancients.  — Woman.  — What 
could  we  have  done  Without  Her.  — Her  Position  in  the  Past.  — A Biblical  State- 
ment. — Woman  has  the  Advantage  from  the  Start.  — Eve. — Adam’s  Good  Traits. 

— A Happy  Family.  — Intellectual  Power.  — More  Biblical  Statements.  — How 
the  Argument  Works  the  Wrong  Way.  — Inferiority.  — Mrs.  Jezebel  Ahab. — 
Pocahontas  and  Delilah.  — The  Conundrum  Maker.  — Rebekah.  — Promptness. 

— Feminine  Thought.  — Female  Disabilities. — The  Woman’s  Pn>position. — 

The  Man’s  Answer.  — A System  Proposed. — The  Troubles.  — Every  Woman 
should  Marry.  — Flying  in  the  Face  of  Providence. — The  Question  of  War.* — 

The  School  Teacher.  — The  Question  of  Marriage.  — Labor.  — The  Example  of 
Young  Men.  — A Bit  of  Experience. — Continued. — What  they  Demand. — 

And  Why.  — A Ponderous  Protest.  — Dr.  Bushnell’s  Reasons. — Peace. — 
What  shall  we  do  with  it?  — Applying  the  Remedy. — What  should  be  done 
with  it?  — Customs  Overturned. — For  Humanity  .’. 660 

III.  “ In  Search  of  the  Man  of  Sin.” 

The  Solo.  — Mr.  Nasby  Mentions  Himself. — The  Imitation  of  Washington. — 

The  Result. — His  Wisdom.  — Natural  and  Acquired.  — An  Excellent  Man. — 

A Friend  of  Humanity.  — And  a Patriot. — The  Beginning  of  the  Search. — 
Where  to  Go.  — The  Fipt  Venture.  — The  Men  of  Sin  in  New  York.  — Requi- 
sites of  a Wicked  Man* — A Moral  Reflection. — The  Influence  of  the  Men. — 

In  Washington.  — Cadetships.  — The  Sober  Member.  — The  Extreme  Radicals. 

— The  froubled  Thompson.  — Management  in  Politics.  — Jencks  andReform. — 

The  Franking  Privilege.  — A Conundrum.  — The  Way  to  Repeal.  — More  Co- 
nundrums.— In  New  Jersey.  — Becomes  somewhat  Orthodox.  — A Monopoly. 

An  Anecdote.  — How  Much  He  Found.  — The  Reformers.  — Forming  a Societ3^ 

— Woman.  — His  Faith  Shaken.  — Another  Anecdote.  — A Sagacious  but 

Wicked  Young  Lady. — Feminine  Extravagance.  — Return.  — What  he  Finds 
at  Home.  — Estimating  Sin.  — Bibney  and  Mrs.  Swan.  — Messrs.  Bloch  and 
Kitt.  — Political  Sin  at  Home.  — The  Pure  Cicero.  — Searches  Himself.  — A 
Wife’s  Faults.  — The  Reform.  — A Closer  Investigation. — The  Man  of  Sin 
Known.  — Encouraging  Remarks  to  other  People 687 


Nasbt  being  Photographed.  A striking  Picture,  Page  33. 


Nikf'rt 


THE  KASBY  LETTERS. 


I. 

AN  AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL  SKETCH. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  ^ 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky,)  > 
Jan.  29,  1872.  ) 

To  THE  Publisher: 

Enclosed  find  photograff  uv  m}"self,  ez  you  desired.  To 
make  a strikin  pictery  I flung  myself  into  the  attitood,  and 
assoomed  the  expreshun  wich  mite  hev  bin  observed  onto 
my  classikle  countenance  when  in  the  act  uv  deliverin  my 
justly  celebrated  sermon,  The  wages  uv  Sin  is  Death.’^  The 
$2.00  wich  yoo  remitted  to  kiver  the  cost  uv  the  picter  wuz,  I 
regret  to  sa}^,  insuffishent.  The  picter  cost  75  cents,  and  it 
took  $1.50  worth  uv  Bascom’s  newest  whisky  to  stiddy  my 
nerves  to  the  pint  uv  undergoin  the  agony  uv  sittin  three 
minits  in  front  uv  the  photograffer.  I need  not  say  that  he 
is  a incendiary  from  Massachoosets.  -Ez  the  deceased  Elder 
Gavitt’s  son,  Issaker,  hez  expressed  a burnin  desire  to  possess 
his  apparatus,  it  is  probable  that  public  safety  will  very  shortly 
require  his  expulsion.  But  I hed  my  revenge  — in  his  pocket 
is  none  uv  my  postal  currency.  Sekoorin  the  picter,  I told 
him  1 wood  take  it  home,  and  ef  my  intimit  friends,  those  who 
knowd  me,  shood  decide  it  wuz  a portrait,  I wood  call  and  pay 
for  it  afore  he  left  the  Corners.  Will  I do  it?  Will  this 
picter-takin  Ablishnist  ever  more  behold  me?  Ekko  ansers. 
3 33 


3i 


PRECOCIOUS  BOYHOOD. 


Yoo  may  remit  the  odd  twenty-five  cents,  either  by  draft  on 
Noo  York,  or  money  order,  at  my  resk. 

I wuz  born  in  the  year  1806,  at  — I will  not  say  where.  I 
hev  reasons  for  conceelin  my  birthplace.  I don’t  want  to  set 
any  town  in  that  State  up  in  biznis.  That  town  hez  gone 
loonatic,  and  gives  Ablishn  majorities  friteful  to  contemplate, 
and  I don’t  want  to  benefit  it  by  givin  it  a nashnel  reputashen. 
I don’t  want  to  double  the  price  uv  its  property  — to  be  the 
means  uv  erectin  a dozen,  or  sich  a matter,  uv  fust  class  hotels 
to  accommodate  the  crowds  ez  wood  make  pilgrimages  thither 
to  visit  my  birthplace.  The  present  owner  uv  the  house  into 
wich  I first  opened  my  eyes  onto  a world  uv  sin,  is  a Ablishnist 
of  the  darkest  dye,  and  I hev  no  desire  to  enrich  him.  Never, 
by  word  uv  mine,  shel  he  cut  that  house  up  into  walkin  sticks 
and  buzzum  pins. 

My  boyhood  wuz  spent  in  the  pursoot  uv  knollege  and  musk- 
rats, mostly  the  latter.  I wuz  a promisin  child.  My  parence 
wuz  Democrats  uv  the  strictest  kind,  my  mother  in  partikeler. 
She  hatid  eny  one  that  wuzn’t  Dimocratic  with  a hatred  that  I 
never  saw  ekalled.  When  I say  that  she  woodent  borrer  tea 
and  sugar  and  sich  uv  Whig  nabers,  the  length,  and  breadth, 
and  depth  of  her  Dimocrisy  will  be  understood. 

From  sheer  cussidnis  I shood  hev  probably  hev  bin  a Whig, 
bed  not  a insident  occurred  in  my  boyhood  days,  wich  satisfied 
me  that  the  Dimocrisy  wuz  my  approprit  and  nateral  abidin- 
place.  It  wuz  in  this  wise  : 

In  a playful  mood,  wun  nite,  I bustid  open  a grosery,  and 
appropriated,  ez  a jest,  what  loose  change  ther  wuz  in  the 
drawer  (alars  I in  these  degenerit  days  uv  paper  currency,  the 
enterprisin  theef  hez  to  steel  at  10  per  cent,  discount),  and 
sich  other  notions  ez  struck  my  boyish  fancy.  I indoost  a 
nigger  boy,  sumwhat  younger  than  myself,  to  aid  me,  and 
when  we  hed  bagged  the  game,  I,  feelin  in  my  pride  ez  wun 
hevin  the  proud  Anglo-Sacksun  blood  a coursin  toomulchusly 
thro  his  vanes,  what  Cheef-Justis  Taney  hez  sence  made  law, 
to-wit : that  the  nigger  hez  no  rites  which  the  whjte  man  is 
bound  to  respeck,  whaled  him  till  he  resined  the  entire  pro- 
ceeds uv  the  spekulashen  to  me.  The  degraded  wretch, 


BRIEF  SKETCH  OP  A PARENT. 


35 


devoid  uv  every  prinsijjle  uv  honor,  blowed  on  me,  and  we 
wuz  both  arrested. 

TheJustisuv  the  Pease  wuz  a Whig!  and  after  a hurried 
eggsaminashen,  he  sentenst  me  ! wun  uv  his  own  race  ! uv 
his  own  blood  ! uv  his  own  parentige  ! to  impriznment  for 
THIRTY  DAYS ! on  bred  and  water,  and  the  nigger  to  only 
ten,  on  the  ground  that  I wuz  the  cheef  offender ! 

My  mother  beggd  and  prayd,  with  teers  a stremin  down 
her  venrable  cheeks  faster  than  she  cood  wipe  em  up  with 
her  gingum  apern,  that  the  arrangement  mite  be  reverst  — the 
nigger  the  30  and  I the  10  — but  no  ! Cold  ez  a stun,  inflexi- 
ble ez  iron,  bludlis  ez  a turnip,  I wuz  inkarseratid,  and  stayed 
my  time. 

Sullenly  I emerged  from  them  walls,  on  the  evenin  uv  the 
30th  day,  a changed  indivijooel.  Liftin  my  hands  to  heven,  I 
vowd  three  vows,  to-wit : ^ 

1.  That  I wood  devote  my  life  to  the  work  uv  redoosin  the 
Afrikin  to  his  normal  speer. 

2.  That  I wood  adopt  a perfeshn  into  wich  I cood  steel  with- 
out bein  hauled  up  fer  it. 

3.  That  the  water  I hed  consoomed  while  in  doorance  vile, 

wuz  the  last  that  wood  ever  find  its  way,  undilootid,  into  my 
stumick.  ^ 

Hentz,  I jined  the  Dimocrisy,  and  whoever  eggsamines  my 
record,  will  find  that  I hev  kep  my  oaths ! 

Uv  my  childhood,  I know  but  little.  My  father  wuz  a 
leadin  man  in  the  humble  speer  in  which  he  moved,  holdin,  at 
different  times,  the  various  offices  in  the  town  up  to  consta- 
ble, the  successive  steps  bein  road  supervisor  and  pound 
master.  He  wuz  elected  constable,  and  mite  probably  hev 
gone  higher,  but  for  an  accident  that  occurred  to  him  the  first 
month.  He  collected  a judgment  for  $18,  and  the  money  wuz 
paid  to  him.  The  good  man  wuz  a talented  collector,  but  wuz 
singlerly  careless  in  payin  over  what  he  collected.  Ez  showin 
the  pekoolier  bent  uv  genuis  uv  the  old  man,  I repeet  a con- 
versashen  I wunst  heerd.  A man  who  hed  an  account  to  col- 
lect, wuz  consultin  one  who  knowd  my  father  well,  ez  to  the 
safety  uv  puttin  a claim  into  his  hands. 

Is  he  a good  collector  ? askt  the  man. 


ms  ECCENTRICITIES. 


36 

Splendid  ! ” sed  the  naber. 

“ Is  he  a man  uv  responsibility  ? askt  the  man. 

Sir  ! sed  the  naber,  he  hez  the  ability,  but  yoodl  find, 
when  yoo  try  to  git  yoor  money  out  uv  his  hands,  that  he  lacks 
the  response.’^ 

Good  ther  hev  bin  a more  tetchin  triboot  ? 

He  wuz  like  all  men  uv  genius,  unbalanced.  His  ability 
was  all  on  one  side.  The  grovelin  plaintiff,  who  didnff  admire 
sich  erratic  flites,  raised  a ruckshen  about  the  paltry  sum,  and 
my  father 

Folded  his  tent  like  the  Arabs, 

And  ez  silently  stole  away.” 

From  that  time  out,  the  old  gentleman  migrated  — in  fact, 
he  lived  mostly  on  the  road.  He  adopted  movin  ez  a per- 
feshun,  and  a very  profitable  one  he  made  uv  it.  When  his 
boss  died,  the  nabors,  rather  than  not  hev  him  move,  wood 
chip  in  and  raise  him  another.  Appreshiatin  the  compliment 
they  pade  him,  he  alluz  went.  I menshun  these  pekooliarities 
uv  my  ancestor,  becoz 

“ The  lives  uv  all  grate  men  remind  us 
We  may  make  our  lives  sublime, 

And,  departin,  leave  behind  us  — ” 

ef  our  talent  runs  in  that  direckshun,  ez  many  debts  ez  he  did, 
though  it  does  require  espeshel  talents. 

This  lied  its  inflooence  upon  my  yoothful  mind.  I saw  not 
only  a great  deal  uv  the  country,  but  much  uv  mankind,  and  I 
acquired  that  adaptability  to  circumstances  wich  hez  ever 
distinguished  me.  Even  to  this  day,  ef  I caiiT  git  gin  I 
take  whiskey  without  a murmur  and  without  repinin. 

My  politicks  hez  ever  bin  Dimocratic,  and  I may  say, 
without  egotism,  I hev  been  a yooseful  member  uv  that 
party.  1 voted  for  Jackson  seven  times,  and  for  every  suc- 
ceedin  Dimocratic  candidate  ez  many  times  ez  possible. 

My  Dimocrisy  wuzn’t  partikerly  confirmed  until  I arrived  at 
the  age  uv  twenty-four.  My  father  wuz  intimately  acquainted 
with  me,  and  knowd  all  my  carakteristics  ez  well  ez  tho  he  lied 
bin  the  friend  uv  my  buzzum.  One  day,  ez  I wuz  a layin  on 


A MATRIMONIAL  DISASTER.  37 

my  back  under  a tree,  contemplatin  the  beauties  uv  nacher,  my 
parent,  sez  he,  — 

Pete  (which  is  short  for  my  name),  ef  yoo  ever  marry, 
marry  a milliner  ! 

Why,  father  uv  mine  ? replied  I,  openin  my  eyes. 

“ Becoz,  my  son,^’  sed  he,  she’ll  hev  a trade  wich’ll  support 
yoo,  otherwise  yoo’ll  die  uv  starvashen  when  I’m  gone.” 

I thot  the  idea  wuz  a good  one.  Thro  woman  a cuss  come 
into  the  world,  wich  cuss  wuz  labor ; and  I wuz  determined 
that  ez  woman  hed  bin  the  coz  uv  requirin  somebody  to  sweat 
for  the  bread  I eat,  woman  should  do  that  sweatin  for  me. 
That  nite  I perposed  to  a milliner  in  the  village,  and  she  re- 
jectid  my.  soot.  I offered  myself,  in  rapid  succeshun,  to  a 
widder,  who  wuz  a washerwoman,  and  to  a woman  who  hed 
boys  old  enuff  to  work,  with  the  same  result,  when,  feelin  that 
suthin  wuz  nessary  to  be  done  to  sekoor  a pervision  for  life,  I 
married  a nigger  washerwoman  wich  didn’t  feel  above  me. 
Wood  you  blieve  it  ? Within  an  hour  after  the  ceremony 
wuz  pronounst,  she  sold  her  persnel  property,  consistin  uv  a 
wash-tub  and  board,  and  a assortment  uv  soap,  and  investin  the 
proceeds  in  a red  calico  dress  and  a pair  uv  earrings,  insisted 
on  my  going  to  work  to  support  her ! and  the  township 
authorities  not  only  maintained  her  in  her  loonacy,  but  refused 
to  extend  releef  to  me,  on  the  ground  that  I wuz  able-bodied. 

Ez  I left  that  nigger,  I agin  vowed  to  devote  my  life  to  the 
work  of  gettin  uv  em  down  to  where  they  wood  hev  to  support 
us,  and  that  vow  h hev  relijusly  fulfilled.  I hev  never  felt 
good,  ceptin  when  they  wuz  put  down  a peg ; I hev  never 
wept,  save  when  they  wuz  bein  elevated. 

The  offices  I hev  held  hev  not  been  many.  I hed  signers  to 
a petishun  for  a post-office  in  Jackson’s  time,  but  1 killed  my 
chances  by  presentin  it  in  person.  The  old  hero  looked  at  me, 
and  remarked  that  it  wuzn’t  worth  while  throwin  away  post- 
offices  on  sich  — that  when  he  wanted  em,  he  cood  buy  em  at 
a dollar  a dozen.  Bookanan  wuz  agoin  to  appoint  me,  but 
somehow  my  antecedents  got  to  his  ears,  and  he  wuz  afeerd  uv 
his  respecktability ; and  I never  succeeded  till  Androo  John- 
son returned  to  his  first  love  and  embraced  us. 

I hed  bin  drafted  into  the  Federal  army  at  the  beginnin  uv 


38 


THE  HAPPY  ENDING. 


the  war,  and  hed  deserted  to  the  Confederacy.  Procoorin  a 
certifikit  to  that  effeck,  I applied  for  a pardon  and  a place. 
He  didn^t  like  to  give  me  the  offis,  but  he  wanted  a party,  and, 
ez  his  appintments  everywhere  show,  he  coodn^t  be  very 
pertikeler.  I succeeded  ! I bore  with  me  to  Kentucky  a 
commishun  ez  Post  Master,  and  I wuz  livin  in  the  full  enjoy- 
ment uv  that  posishun,  till  ousted,  and  I may  say,  I wuz  happy. 

The  society  wuz  conjenial.  Ther  is  four  groceries,  onto 
wich  1 could  gaze  from  the  winder  uv  my  offis,  and  jest 
beyond,  enlivenin  what  wood  otherwise  be  a dull  landscape,  is 
a distillery,  from  wich  the  smoke  uv  the  torment  ascendeth 
forever.  I hed  associates  who  reverenced  me,  and  friends 
who  loved  me.  There  wuz  nuthin  monotonous  there.  I hev 
knowed  ez  many  ez  eight  fites  per  day,  though  three  or  four 
is  considered  enuff  to  break  the  tedium.  And  in  those  delite- 
ful  pursoots,  havin  left  behind  me  the  ambishens  uv  wat  mite 
be  called  public  life,  with  my  daily  bread  sekoored,  with  my 
other  sustenance  ashoored,  with  a frend  alluz  to  share  my 
bottle,  or,  to  speek  with  a greater  degree  uv  akkooracy,  frends 
alluz  willin  to  share  ther  bottles  with  me,  I wuz  glidin  peacefly 
down  the  stream  uv  time,  dodgin  the  troubles,  and  takin  ez 
much  uv  the  good  uv  life  ez  I could. 

The  twenty-five  cents  menshuned  in  the  beginnin  uv  my 
letter,  you  may,  ez  I remarked,  remit  either  in  postal  order  or 
currency. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(Wich  wuz  Postmaster). 

P.  S.  — DonT  remit  the  twenty-five  cents  menshund  in 
postage  stamps.  I hev  enuff  to  last  me,  ez  they  ain’t  in 
demand  here.  Send  it  in  currency.  P.  Y.  N. 


THE  SECESSION  OF  WINGERT’s  CORNERS. 


39 


II. 

THE  SECESSION  OP  WINGERT^S  CORNERS, 

Wingert’s  Corners,  Ohio,  March  the  21st,  1861. 

South  Carliny  and  sevral  other  uv  the  trooly  Dimikratic 
States  hevin  secesht  — gone  orf.  I may  say^  onto  a journey 
after  ther  rites  — WingerPs  Corners,  ez  trooly  Dimecratic  ez 
any  uv  em,  hez  follered  soot. 

A meetin  wuz  held  last  nite,  uv  wich  I wuz  chairman,  to 
take  the  matter  uv  our  grievances  into  consideration,  and  it 
wuz  finally  resolved  that  nothin  short  uv  seceshn  wood  remedy 
our  woes.  Therefore  the  follerin  address,  wich  I rit,  wuz  adopt- 
id  and  ordered  to  be  publisht : 

TO  THE  WORLD  ! 

In  takin  a step  wich  may,  possibly,  involve  the  state  uv 
wich  we  hev  bin  heretofore  a part  into  blood  and  convulshuns, 
a decent  respeck  for  the  opinion  uv  the  world  requires  us  to 
give  our  reasons  for  takin  that  step. 

WingerPs  Corners  hez  too  long  submitted  to  the  imperious 
dictates  uv  a tyranikle  goverment.  Our  whole  histry  hez  bin 
wun  uv  aggreshn  on  the  part  uv  the  State,  and  uv  meek  and 
pashent  endoorence  on  ours. 

It  refoosed  to  locate  the  State  Capitol  at  the  Corners,  to  the 
great  detriment  uv  our  patriotic  owners  uv  reel  estate. 


In  this  letter  the  argument  of  the  States  Rights  secessionists  is  stated 
rather  than  travestied.  One  of  the  threats  relied  upon  by  the  Southern  oligar- 
chy to  awaken  fears  in  the  North  was,  that  the  trade  of  the  South  should  be 
withdrawn  from  Northern  merchants.  “ Our  merchant,”  at  Wingert’s  Corners, 
congratulating  himself  on  the  opening  of  “ trade  with  the  Black  Swamp,”  and 
his  release  from  his  Cincinnati  debts,  is,  or  was,  the  exact  type  of  many  of  the 
Southern  secessionists.  Southern  economists  really  imagined  that  they  could 
control  the  laws  of  trade,  or  create  new  ones  to  suit  their  own  fancy;  results 
demonstrated  the  fact,  that  the  South  needed  credit  at  the  North  far  more  than 
Northern  merchants  needed  Southern  custom.  The  trade  of  the  South  was  the 
most  undesirable  of  any  wdiich  came  to  our  northern  cities,  as  many  Southern 
buyers  were  wont  to  settle  their  indebtedness  by  certificates  of  discharge  from 
courts  of  bankruptcy.  In  1860,  in  the  absence  of  a general  bankrupt  law,  the 
hope  of  many  secessionists  was,  that  a successful  rebellion  would  give  them  an 
excuse  for  the  repudiation  of  their  honest  debts. 


40 


EEASONS  FOR  SECESSION. 


It  refoosed  to  gravel  the  streets  uv  the  Corners,  or  even  re- 
lay the  plank-road. 

It  refoosed  to  locate  the  Penitentiary  at  the  Corners,  not-with- 
standin  we  do  more  towards  fillin  it  than  any  town  in  the  State. 

It  refoosed  to  locate  the  State  Fair  at  the  Corners,  blastin 
the  hopes  uv  our  patriotic  groserys. 

It  located  the  canal  one  hundred  miles  from  the  Corners. 

We  hev  never  hed  a Guvner,  notwithstandin  the  President 
uv  this  meetin  hez  lived  here  for  yeers,  a waitin  to  be  urgd  to 
accept  it. 

It  hez  compelled  us,  yeer  after  yeer,  to  pay  our  share  uv 
the  taxes. 

It  hez  never  appinted  any  citizen  uv  the  place  to  any  offis 
wher  theft  wuz  possible,  thus  wilfully  keepin  capital  away 
from  us. 

It  refoosed  to  either  pay  our  rale-rode  subscripshun  or  slack- 
water  our  river. 

Therefore,  not  bein  in  humor  to  longer  endoor  sich  outrajes, 
we  declare  ourselves  free  and  independent  uv  the  State,  and 
will  maintain  our  position  with  arms,  if  need  be. 

There  wuz  a lively  time  next  day.  A company  uv  minit 
men  wuz  raised,  and  wun  uv  two-minit  men.  The  seceshn 
flag,  muskrat  rampant,  weasel  couchant,  on  a field  d’egg-shell, 
waves  from  both  groserys.  Our  merchant  feels  hopeful.  Cut 
orf  from  the  State,  direct  trade  with  the  Black  Swamp  follers : 
releest  from  his  indebtedness  to  Cinsinati,  he  will  agin  lift  his 
head.  Our  representative  hez  agreed  to  resine  — when  his 
term  expires. 

We  are  in  earnest.  Armed  with  justice  and  shot-guns,  we 
bid  the  tyrants  defiance. 

P.  S.  — The  feelin  is  intense  — the  childern  hev  imbibed  it. 
A lad  jest  past,  displayin  the  seceshn  flag.  It  waved  from  be- 
hind. Disdainin  concealment,  the  noble,  lion-hearted  boy  wore 
a roundabout.  We  are  firm. 

N.  B.  — We  are  still  firm. 

N.  B.,  2d.  — We  are  firm,  unyeeldin,  calm,  and  resoloot. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby. 


NEGHO  EMIGRATION. 


41 


III. 

NEGRO  EMIGRATION. 

Wingert’s  Corners,  Ohio,  April  the  2d,  18G2. 

There  is  now  fifteen  niggers,  men,  wimin,  and  cliildern,  or 
ruther,  mail,  femail,  and  yung,  in  Winger t^s  Corners,  and 
yisterday  another  arrove.  I am  bekcmin  alarmed,  for,  ef  they 
inkreese  at  this  rate,  in  suthin  over  sixty  years  theydl  hev  a 
majority  in  the  town,  and  may,  ef  they  git  mean  eniiff,  tyran- 
nize over  us,  even  ez  we  air  tyrannizin  over  them.  The  danger 
is  imminent ! Alreddy  our  poor  white  inhabitants  is  out  uv 
employment  to  make  room  for  that  nigger ; even  now  our  shops 
and  factories  is  full  uv  that  nigger,  to  the  great  detriment  uv 
a white  inhabitant  who  hez  a family  to  support,  and  our  poor- 
house  and  jail  is  full  uv  him.' 

I implore  the  peeple  to  wake  up.  Let  us  hold  a mass  meetin 
to  take  this  subgik  into  considerashen,  and,  that  biznis  may  be 
expeditid,  I perpose  the  adopshen  uv  a series  uv  preamble  and 
resolooshens,  suthin  like  the  follerin,  to-wit : 

Ware  AS,  We  vew  with  alarm  the  ackshuii  uv  the  President 
uv  the  U.  S.,  in  recommendin  the  immejit  emansipashun  uv 
the  slaves  uv  our  misgidid  Suthern  brethrin,  and  his  evident 
intenshun  uv  kolonizin  on  em  in  the  North,  and  the  heft  on  em 
in  WingerPs  Corners  ; and 

Wareas,  In  the  event  uv  this  imigrashun,  our  fellow-towns- 
man, Abslum  Kitt,  and  others,  whose  families  depend  upon 
their  labor  for  support,  wood  be  throde  out  of  employment ; and 

Wareas,  When  yoo  giv  a man  a boss,  yoo  air  obleeged  to 
also  make  him  a present  uv  a silver-platid  harnis  and  a $650 

The  great  bugbear  of  the  ignorant  Democrats  of  the  North,  especially 
in  the  rural  districts,  was  the  fear  of  negro  emigration,  and  consequently 
negro  equality,  and  amalgamation.  Antiquated  females  in  Democratic  pro- 
cessions carried  banners  bearing  the  touching  appeal : “Fathers,  save  us  from 
Nigger  Equality!”  “White  husbands,  or  none!!”  Amalgamation,  negro 
equality,  negro  competition,  were  the  dire  array  of  calamities  which  were  to 
befall  the  laboring  men  of  the  North,  in  case  Republican  measures  and  princi- 
ples should  prevail.  With  the  predictions  of  the  woes  coming  to  Northern 
farmers  and  mechanics  the  campaign  papers  of  the  Democracy  were  filled. 


42 


AN  ALAEUM. 


buggy,  so  ef  we  let  the  nigger  live  here,  we  are  in  dooty  bound 
to  marry  him  off-hand  ; and 

Wareas,  When  this  stait  uv  affares  arrives  our  kentry  will 
be  no  fit  place  for  men  uv  educashen  and  refinement ; and 

Wareas,  Any  man  hevin  the  intellek  uv  a brass-mounted 
jackass  kin  easily  see  that  the  two  races  want  never  intendid 
to  live  together  ; and 

Wareas,  Bein  in  the  magority,  we  kin  do  as  we  please,  and 
ez  the  nigger  aint  no  vote  he  kant  help  hisself ; therefore  be  it 

Besolved,  That  the  crude,  undeodorizd  Afrikin  is  a disgust- 
in  obgik. 

Besolved,  That  this  Convenshun,  when  it  hez  its  feet  washed, 
smells  sweeter  than  the  Afrikin  in  his  normal  condishun,  and  is 
therefore  his  sooperior. 

Besolved,  That  the  niggers  be  druv  out  uv  Wingerfis  Corners, 
and  that  sich  property  ez  they  may  hev  accumulatid  be  con- 
fiscatid,  and  the  proseeds  applide  to  the  follerin  purposes,  to- 
wit : 

Payment  uv  the  bills  of  the  last  Dimekratik  Centrel  Com- 
mittee ; payment  uv  the  disintrestid  patriots  ez  got  up  this 
meetin ; the  balance  to  remane  in  my  hands. 

Besolved,  That  the  Ablishnists  who  oppose  these  resolushens 
all  want  to  marry  a nigger. 

Besolved,  That  Dr.  Petts,  in  rentin  a part  uv  his  bildin  to 
niggers,  hez  struck  a blow  at  the  very  foundashens  uv  sosiety. 

Fellow-whites,  arouse  ! The  enemy  is  onto  us  ! Our  harths 
is  in  danger  ! When  we  hev  a nigger  for  judge  — niggers  for 
teachers  — niggers  in  pulpits  — when  niggers  rool  and  con- 
trole  society^  then  will  yoo  remember  this  warnin  ! 

Arouse  to  wunst ! Bally  agin  Conway  ! Bally  agin  Sweet ! 
Bally  agin  Hegler  ! Bally  agin  Hegler’s  family  ! Bally  agin 
the  porter  at  the  Beed  House  ! Bally  agin  the  cook  at  the 
Crook  House  ! Bally  agin  the  nigger  widder  in  Vance’s  Ad- 
dishun  ! Bally  agin  Missis  Umstid  ! Bally  agin  Missis  Urn- 
stid’s  childern  by  her  first  husband  ! Bally  agin  Missis  Um- 
stid’s  childern  by  her  sekkund  husband  ! Bally  agin  all  the 
rest  uv  Missis  Umstid’s  childern  ! Bally  agin  the  nigger  that 
cum  yisterday ! Bally  agin  the  saddle-culurd  girl  that  yoost 
to  be  hear  I Ameriky  for  white  men  ! 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby. 


PROPOSES  TO  CELEBRATE  THE  FOURTH  OF  JULY. 


43 


IV. 

PROPOSES  TO  CELEBRATE  THE  FOURTH  OF  JULY. 

Washinton,  Joon  the  12th,  1862. 

I AM  in  Washinton,  and  wont  be  home  for  some  time,  on 
akount  uv  biznis  pertainin  to  the  re-organizashun  uv  the  Dime- 
kratik  party.  I will  give  suffishent  notis  uv  my  comin,  so  that 
my  frends  may  surprise  me  by  gittin  up  a perceshun  to  escort 
me  from  the  cars  to  my  hotel. 

The  objik  uv  this  letter  is  to  sejest  a plan  for  the  appropriate 
celebrashun  uv  the  fourth  uv  July  — the  birthday  of  our  Lib- 
erties — the  day  on  wich  Freedum  wus  perclaimed  to  all  men, 
exceptin  niggers,  and  them  hevin  a vizible  admixter  uv  Afer- 
ken  blud,  et  settery.  I want  to  see  a pure  Dimekratik  celebra- 
shun fer  wunst.  Let  me  sejest  the  follerin  order  fer  a per- 
ceshun : — 

1st.  Marshel  in  uniform  uv  Home  Guard,  dekorated  with  a 
winder  sash  over  the  left  shoulder. 

2d.  Banner  with  inskripshun,  The  Yunyun  ez  it  wuz  — 
under  Bookanon ! the  constitooshn  ez  it  is,  with  some  varia- 
shens.’’ 

3d.  Barril  containin  native  corn  joose,  inskribd,  Our  plat- 
form.” 

4th.  Carriage  containin  speeker,  reeder,  and  chaplin  — ef 
wun  of  our  perswashin  kin  be  prokoored. 

5th.  Wagon  with  a nigger  a lyin  down,  and  my  esteemd  frend 
Punt  a standin  onto  him  — a paregorical  illustrashun  uv  the 
sooperiority  uv  the  Anglo-Sacksun  over  the  Afrikin  races. 

6th.  Soljers  uv  the  present  war.  (A  few  may  be-  procoord 
frum  the  military  prizen  at  Chicago,  where  they  are  at  present 
unconstitooshnaly  confind,  fer  this  ocashun). 

7th.  The  cort-house  offishls,  with  banner  and  inscripshun, 
“ Our  saleries  — we  will  defend  em  to  the  last.” 

8th.  Citizens  on  hossback  with  bottles. 

9th.  Citizens  in  carriajes  with  bottles. 

10th.  Citizens  on  foot  with  bottles. 

(Space  on  each  side  reserved  for  citizens  a lyin  down  with 
empty  bottles.) 


44 


THE  EXERCISES  OF  THE  DAY. 


11th.  Candidates  for  offis,  all  walkin  on  ther  knees. 

Perceshun  to  form  so  that  the  hed  will  rest  on  the  distillery, 
and  the  tale  on  the  court-house,  representin  the  beginnin  and 
end  uv  our  glorious  party. 

On  arrivin  at  the  grove,  the  follerin  exercises  may  be  had : 

Singin  — Nashnel  oad,  We’ve  Culfee  by  de  wool.” 

Readin  Vallandigum’s  address. 

Orashun  — ‘‘  Nigger : his  Past,  Present,  and  Futur  ” — by 
myself. 

Singin  — Patryotik  song  — 

“ Sambo,  ketch  dat  hoe, 

And  resine  dat  vane  idee : 

We’ve  got  de  power,  you  kno, 

And  you  never  kin  be  free.” 

Benedickshun,  by  myself. 

In  the  evenin  it  would  be  appropriate  to  hev  fireworks,  and 
perhaps  I might  be  indoost  to  deliver  an  orashun  on  Nigger: 
his  Past,  Present,  and  Futur.” 

Sich  a celebrashun  would  elevate  the  sperits  uv  the  faithful, 
and  help  mateerialy  towards  makin  a triumph  this  autum. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby. 

V. 

ANNIHILATES  AN  OBERLINITE. 

Columbus,  O.,  June  the  21st,  1862. 

I wuz  onto  my  way  to  Columbus  to  attend  the  annooal 
gatherin  uv  the  faithful  at  that  city,  a dooty  I hev  religusly 
performd  for  over  30  yeres.  Ther  wuz  but  wun  seat  vakent 
in  the  car,  and  onto  that  I sot  down.  Presently  a gentleman 
carryin  uv  a carpit-bag  sot  down  beside  me,  and  we  to-wunst 

Oberlin  College  became  famous  through  its  resolve  to  admit  colored  stu- 
dents to  its  privileges  on  an  equality  with  white  students.  It  was  not  with- 
out a severe  struggle  that  this  position  was  taken  by  the  Board  of  Trustees,  in 
whicli,  after  many  stormy  discussions,  the  vote  was  carried  by  the  casting  vote 
of  the  President,  Hev.  John  Keep.  Immediately  after  this  action  was  taken  in 


ANNIHILATES  AN  OBERLINITE. 


45 


commenst  conversaslien.  After  discussin  the  crops,  the  weath- 
er, et  settry,  I askt  wher  he  resided. 

In  Oberlin,”  sez  he. 

Oberlin  ! shreekt  I.  Oberlin  ! wher  Ablishnism  runs 
rampant  — wher  a nigger  is  100  per  cent,  better  nor  a white 
man  — wher  a mulatto  is  a objik  uv  pity  on  account  uv  hevin 
white  blood  ! Oberlin  ! that  stonest  the  Dimekratik  prophets, 
and  woodent  be  gathered  under  Yallandy gum’s  wings  as  a 
hen-hawk  gathereth  chickens,  at  no  price  ! Oberlin,  that  gives 
all  the  profits  uv  her  college  to  the  support  uv  the  underground 
railroad  — ” 

“ But  — ” sez  he. 

Oberlin,”  continyood  I,  that  reskoos  niggers,  and  sets  at 
defiance  the  benificent  laws  for  takin  on  em  back  to  their  kind 
and  hevenly-minded  masters  ! Oberlin  ! — ” 

My  jentle  frend,”  sez  he,  Oberlin  don’t  do  nuthin  uv  the 
kind.  Yoo’ve  bin  misinformd.  Oberlin  respex  the  laws,  and 
hez  now  a body  uv  her  gallant  sons  in  the  feeld  a fightin  to 
maintane  the  Constooshn.” 

A fightin  to  maintane  the  Constooshn,”  retortid  I.  ‘‘  My 
frend  ” (and  I spoke  impressivly),  ‘‘  no  Oberlin  man  is  a doin 
any  sich  thing.  Oberlin  commenst  this  war.  Oberlin  wuz  the 
prime  cause  uv  all  the  trubble.  What  wuz  the  beginnin  uv  it? 

1836,  about  two  hundred  students  from  Lane  Seminary,  near  Cincinnati,  who 
had  “ rebelled  ” against  an  order  of  that  institution  not  to  discuss  the  slavery 
question,  came  to  Oberlin  to  pursue  their  studies.  From  that  day  Oberlin  be- 
came a centre  of  anti-slavery  influence.  Its  professors  were  men  of  reputation 
for  learning  and  moral  worth,  and  were  earnestly  identified  with  the  anti-slavery 
cause.  Theodore  D.  Weld  and  other  eloquent  orators  of  that  period  gave 
lectures  to  the  students,  and  they,  in  turn,  went  out  to  scatter  the  light  they  had 
gathered.  Thus  Oberlin  became  an  object  of  intense  and  bitter  hatred  on  the 
part  of  pro-slavery  men  and  pro-slavery  parties.  At  one  time  its  charter  was 
threatened  with  repeal  by  the  Ohio  legislature  on  account  of  its  reformatory 
character.  Among  the  more  ignorant  and  prejudiced  portion  of  the  Demo- 
cratic party,  an  intensely  bitter  animosity  to  Oberlin,  its  teachers,  and  its  stu- 
dents, was  exhibited.  The  most  monstrous  stories  of  amalgamation  were  fab- 
ricated and  believed  in  many  localities.  Oberlin,  however,  continued  to  move 
forward  in  its  progressive  and  prosperous  career,  and  vindicated  itself  most  tri- 
umphantly from  all  the  aspersions  of  its  adversaries.  Nor  was  it  ever  overrun 
by  negroes,  as  it  was  predicted  it  would  be.  It  has  never  had  more  than  five 
or  six  per  cent,  of  colored  students,  though  they  have  always  received  a most\ 
cordial  welcome  at  its  gates. 


46 


THE  EFFECT  OF  OBERLIN  IDEAS. 


Our  Suthrin  brethrin  wantid  the  territories  — Oberlin  objectid. 
They  wantid  Kansas  for  ther  blessid  instooshn  — Oberlin  agin 
objecks.  They  sent  colonies  with  muskits  and  sich,  to  hold  the 
territory  — Oberlin  sent  two  thousand  armed  with  Bibles  and 
Sharp’s  rifles  — - two  instooshns  Dimokrasy  cood  never  stand 
afore  — and  druv  em  out.  They  wantid  Breckinridge  fer 
President.  Oberlin  refused,  and  elektid  Linkin.  Then  they 
seceded ; and  why  is  it  thajt  they  still  hold  out  ? ” 

He  made  no  anser. 

Becoz,”  continyood  I,  transfixin  him  with  my  penetratin 
gaze,  Oberlin  won’t  submit.  We  might  to-day  hev  peese  ef 
Oberlin  wood  say  to  Linkin,  ^ Besine  ! ’ and  to  Geff  Davis,  ‘ Come 
up  higher  ! ’ When  I say  Oberlin,  understand  it  ez  figgerative 
for  the  entire  Ablishn  party,  wich  Oberlin  is  the  fountin- 
head.  There’s  wher  the  trouble  is.  Our  Suthern  brethren 
wuz  reasonable.  So  long  as  the  Dimokrasy  controlled  things, 
and  they  got  all  they  wanted,  they  wuz  peeceable.  Oberlin 
ariz  — the  Dimokrasy  wuz  beet  down,  and  they  riz  up  agin  it.” 
Jest  exsactly  eighty-six  yeres  ago,  akordin  to  Jayneses  Al- 
manac, a work  wich  I perooz  annually  with  grate  delite,  the 
Amerykin  eagle  (whose  portrate  any  wmn  who  possessis  a 5- 
cent  peece  kin  behold)  wuz  born,  the  Goddis  uv  Liberty  bein 
its  mother,  the  Spirit  uv  Freedom  its  sire,  Thomas  Jefferson 
actin  ez  physician  on  the  occasion.  The  proud  bird  growd  ez 
tho  it  slept  on  guano  — its  left  wing  dipt  into  the  Pacific,  its 
rite  into  the  Atlantic,  its  beek  thretened  Kanady,  while  his  ma- 
jestik  tale  cast  a shadder  ore  the  Gulf.  Sich  wuz  the  eagle  up 
to  March,  ’61.-  What  is  his  condishn  now  ? His  hed  hangs, 
his  tale  droops,  ther’s  no  strength  in  his  talons.  What’s  the 
trouble  ? Oberlin.  He  hed  been  fed  on  nigger  for  yeres,  and 
hed  thrived  on  the  diet.  Oberlin  got  the  keepin  uv  him  — she 
withholds  his  nateral  food ; and  onless  Oberlin  is  whaled  this 
fall,  down  goes  the  eagle. 


Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 


47 


MAKES  A CANDIDATE  UV  HISSELF.” 


VI. 


MAKES  A CANDIDATE  UY  HISSELE.’’ 

To  THE  Dimokrasy  uy  THE  CouNTY : I announsG  myself 

ez  a candidate  for  ary  one  uv  the  offices  to  be  filled  this 
autnm,  subgik,  uv  coarse^  to  the  decishun  uv  the  Convenshun. 

In  makin  this  anouncement,  I feel  it  due  my  Dimekratik 
brethrin,  that  1 stait  the  reasons  for  takin  this  step.  They  run 
ez  follows : 

1st.  I want  a offis. 

2d.  1 need  a offis. 

3d.  A offis  wood  suit  me  ; therfore, 

4th.  I shood  like  to  hev  a offis. 

1 make  no  boasts  uv  what  my  speshel  claims  are,  but  I hev 
dun  the  party  sum  servis.  My  fust  vote  I cast  for  that  old 
Dimekrat,  Androo  Jackson.  For  him  I voted  twict,  and  I hev 
also  voted  for  every  Dimekratik  candidate  sence.  I hev 
fought  and  bled  for  the  coz,  hev  voted  ez  often  ez  three  times 
at  one  elekslmn,  and  hev  alluz  wore  mournin  around  my  eyes  for 
three  weeks  after  each  campane.  I hev  alluz  rallid  to  the 
poles  early  in  the  mornin,  and  hev  spent  the  entire  day  a 
bringin  in  the  agid  and  infirm,  and  in  the  patryotik  biznis  uv 
knockin  down  the  opposition  voters.  No  man  hez  drunk  more 
whisky  than  I hev  for  the  party  — none  hez  dun  it  moar  will- 
ingly. Twict,  in  going  thro  campanes,  hev  I brot  myself  to 
the  very  verge  uv  delnrium  tremins  a drinkin  the  terrific 
elekshun  whisky  pervided  by  our  candidates,  but  the  coz 
demandid  the  sacrifis,  and  I made  it  ez  cherefully  ez  tho  my 
stumic  hed  been  copper-lined,  which,  unfortunitly,  it  is  not. 
Ez  for  my  services  in  this  line,  let  my  nose,  which  has  trooly 
blossomed  like  the  lobster,  speak  for  itself. 

“ Rum  hez  its  triumphs  ez  the  water  hath, 

And  this  is  wun  uv  em.” 

My  politikle  principles  are  sound.  I am  opposd  to  a nash- 
nel  bank,  and  am  unmitigatedly  in  favor  uv  free  trade.  I ap- 
proved uv  the  last  war  with  Great  Britain,  and  hev  sence  seen 


48 


STATES  HIS  POSITION. 


no  reason  to  change  my  views  on  that  subgik.  On  the  war 
queshun  my  views  are  ez  follows : Bein  a naytiv  uv  this 
Eepublic,  and  hevin  livd  under  the  Stars  and  Stripes,  I am 
in  favor  uv  maintainin  the  Guverment,  and  puttin  down  the 
rebelyun,  and  will  aid  the  Guverment  in  doin  it,  in  all  consti- 
tooshnal  ways.  But,  after  a keerful  readin  uv  my  papers,  I 
kin  find  no  constitooshnal  warrant  for  half  what  is  bein  dun.  I 
am  in  favor  uv  a war  for  the  Union  ez  it  used  to  was,  and  the 
Constitooshn  ez  I’d  like  to  hev  it ; but  a war  uv  subgugashen 
— never  ! Hents,  I am  opposed  to  all  this  military  biznis. 
Ef  a citizen  uv  Yirginny  shoots  a citizen  uv  Ohio,  let  him  be 
arrested,  taken  before  the  nearest  Justis  uv  the  Peese,  and 
bound  over  to  court.  That’s  the  only  way  to  do  it.  I regard 
confistikashen  as  unconstitooshnel,  and  ez  for  emansipashen, 
words  cant  express  my  disgust  at  the  bare  ijee.  Wat ! is 
armies  to  march  forth,  under  the  good  old  flag,  for  the  purpus 
uv  destroyin  an  institooshn  guaranteed  by  the  Constitooshn, 
and  wich  hez  enabled  the  grate  Dimekratik  party  to  controle 
the  destinies  uv  this  republic  for  mor’n  thirty  yeres  ? Ferbid 
it,  hevin  ! The  follerin  resolushens,  wich  I drawd  up,  show 
percisely  wat  I bleeve  : — 

Besolved,  That  we  are  now,  eggsackly  as  we  alluz  hev  bin, 
the  devoted  friends  uv  the  Union  ez  it  used  to  be  wen  us  uns 
and  our  breethrin  uv  the  South  run  the  masheen,  and  we’d  be 
thenderin  glad  to  see  it  restord  agin. 

Besolved,  That  evry  dictate  uv  patertism  reqwires  that,  in 
the  fight  we  hev  afore  us,  the  Dimokrasy  shood  present  a un- 
broken front ; and  therefore,  ez  differenses  may  arize  amongst 
us,  the  General  Committee  shel,  frum  time  to  time,  inform  the 
county  committies  wat  the  people  is  expectid  to  beleve,  that 
we  may  talk  alike  in  all  parts  uv  the  country. 

Besolved,  That  the  Abolishn  party,  by  ther  denunsiashn  uv 
President  Davis,  hev  shown  that  they  heV  no  regard  for  our 
feelins  or  hizn,  and  hev  exhibited  a bitterness  towards  our 
misgided  Suthrin  brethrin,  that  demonstraits  their  onfitness 
to  hold  eny  place  wer  they  kin  hev  an  opportunity  to  injure 
them. 

Besolved,  That  the  stait  uv  Massy chusits  is  ornery  and 
cussed.  That  the  annimosity  exhibited  by  her  men,  in  the  lait 


WHICH  IS  COMPREHENSIVE. 


49 


fites  afore  Richmond,  towards  our  misgided  Suthrin  brethrin, 
is  wat  mite  be  expektid  frum  a state  that  hez  no  Dimekrats, 
and  where  every  body  redes  and  rites. 

Resolved^  That,  while  rebels  shood  be  punisht,  we  are 
^ opposed  to  confisticashun  er  emansipashun  in  any  shaip ; 
becoz  it  isnt  constooshnal ; becoz  the  South  wood  be  made 
more  desprit,  and  moar  uv  em  wood  be  killed,  wich  wood 
lessen  Dimekratik  majoritis  in  them  states  ; and  becoz  it  wood 
hev  a tendency  to  make  em  madder  nor  they  air. 

On  the  absorbin  question  uv  nigger  I am  sound.  I am 
opposed  to  amalgamashun,  and  am  in  favor  uv  prohibitin  any 
wench  from  marryin  any  wun  hevin  a visable  admixter  uv 
white  blud.  I am  ferninst  allowin  niggers  to  come  into  the 
North,  and  am  in  favor  uv  expellin  the  thirty -two  milyuns  now 
here.  To  force  em  away,  I wood  make  it  a pennytenshiary 
offence  to  be  shaved  by  a nigger,  and  wood  regulate  the  price 
uv  barberin  by  law,  that  wdiite  men  mite  be  indoost  to  go  into 
the  biznis.  Ez  for  other  pints  uv  nashenel  and  stait  policy,  my 
paper  dident  cum  last  nite,  and  consequently  I am  somewhat 
at  a loss. 

In  county  matters  I shel  follow  closely  the  footsteps  uv  my 
predecessers.  I shel  be  keerful  uv  the  funds,  and  shel  apply 
jest  ez  much  ez  possible  to  the  grate  work  uv  bildin  up  the 
Dimekratik  party ; alluz,  uv  coarse,  reservin  enuff  to  buy  me 
a moderit  farm  at  the  close  uv  my  term. 

I aint  partickeler  ez  to  wat  offis  I hev.  I am  willin  to  serve 
ez  Treasurer,  Sheriff,  Commishener,  or  Coroner  — tho  I cood 
do  the  party  more  good  ez  Treasurer  than  in  any  other  posi- 
shen.  Money  cozes  the  female  hoss  to  amble. 

In  conclushen,  fellow  Dimekrats,  I hev  to  say,  ef  nominated, 
all  rite  ; ef  not,  I shel  abide  by  the  result  ez  cherefully  ez  my 
temper  will  allow. 


4 


Petroleum  V.  Nashx 


50 


SHOWS  WHY  HE  SHOULD  NOT  BE  DEAFTED. 


VII. 

SHOWS  WHY  HE  SHOULD  NOT  BE  DRAFTED. 

August  the  6th,  1862. 

I SEE  in  the  papers  last  nite  that  the  Goverment  hez  insti- 
tooted  a draft,  and  that  in  a few  weeks  sum  hundreds  uv  thou- 
sands uv  peeceable  citizens  will  be  dragged  to  the  tented  field. 
I know  not  wat  uthers  may  do,  but  ez  for  me,  I cant  go.  Upon 
a rigid  eggsaminashen  uv  my  fizzlekle  man,  I find  it  wood  be 
wus  nor  madnis  for  me  to  undertake  a campane,  to-wit:  — 

1.  I’m  bald-headid,  and  hev  bin  obliged  to  wear  a wig  these 
22  years. 

2‘.  I hev  dandruff  in  wat  scanty  hair  still  hangs  around  my 
venerable  temples. 

3.  I hev  a kronic  katarr. 

4.  I hev  lost,  sence  Stanton’s  order  to  draft,  the  use  uv  wun 
eye  entirely,  and  hev  kronic  inflammashen  in  the  other. 

5.  My  teeth  is  all  unsound,  my  palit  aint  eggsactly  rite,  and 
I hev  hed  bronkeetis  31  yeres  last  Joon.  At  present  I hev  a 
koff,  the  paroxisms  uv  wich  is  friteful  to  behold. 

6.  I’m  holler-chestid,  am  short-winded,  and  hev  alluz  hed 
pains  in  my  back  and  side. 

7.  I am  afiflictid  with  kronic  diarrear  and  kostivniss.  The 
money  I hev  paid  (or  promist  to  pa}^),  for  Jayneses  karmin- 
nytiv  balsam  and  pills  wood  astonish  almost  enny  body. 

8.  I am  rupchered  in  nine  places,  and  am  entirely  enveloped 
with  trusses. 

9.  I hev  verrykose  vanes,  hev  a white-swellin  on  wun  leg  and 
a fever  sore  on  the  uther ; also  wun  leg  is  shorter  than  tother, 
though  I handle  it  so  expert  that  nobody  never  noticed  it. 

10.  I hev  korns  and  bunyons  on  both  feet,  wich  wood  pre- 
vent me  from  marchin. 

I dont  suppose  that  my  political  opinions,  wich  are  aginst 

One  of  the  most  surprising  results  of  the  conscription  was  the  amount  of 
disease  disclosed  among  men  between  “ eighteen  and  forty-five,”  in  districts 
where  quotas  could  not  be  raised  by  volunteering. 


4 


IN  CANADA.  51 

the  prossekooshn  uv  this  iiiiconstooshnel  war,  wood  hev  any 
wate  with  a draftin  orfiser ; but  the  above  reesons  why  I cant 
go,  will,  I make  no  doubt,  bo  suffishent. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby. 


VIII. 

IN  CANADA. 

Brest,  Kanada  West,  August  the  20th,  1862. 

After  more  advenchers  than  wood  fill  a book,  I am  here  in 
Kanada,  safe  under  the  protectin  tail  uv  the  British  Lion, 
where  no  draftin  orfiser  kin  molest  nor  make  me  afraid.  Hal- 
leloogy  ! 

I never  shood  hev  taken  this  step  hed  a good,  sound,  con- 
stooshnel  doctor  bin'appinted  Medical  Eggsaminer;  fer  I hev 
twict  ez  menny  diseases  ez  wood  hev  eggsemptid  me,  but  I 
wuz  afeerd  the  Eggsaminer  woodent  see  em,  ez  he  aint  much 
uv  a physician  anyhow ; besides,  he  votes  the  Union  tickit,  and 
hez,  uv  coarse,  prejudisis.  The  Commissioner  is  a bloody 

The  exodus  of  peace  Democrats  to  escape  the  draft  was  one  of  the  most 
ludicrous,  and  at  the  same  time  humiliating  developments  of  the  war.  Can- 
ada, being  the  nearest  and  most  accessible  point  beyond  the  jurisdiction  of  the 
government,  received  a number  of  those  who  fled  from  duty,  but  probably 
the  greater  part  concealed  themselves  among  their  native  hills,  or  went  to  other 
states.  It  was  amusing  to  witness  the  desire  for  travel  which  seized  men,  and 
the  sudden  inclination  to  visit  distant  relatives  which  sprang  up.  Eastern  men 
had  urgent  business  calling  them  to  the  west,  and  western  men  had  interests  at 
stake  in  the  east  which  demanded  immediate  attention.  In  some  of  the  hill 
districts  there  were  rendezvous  of  these  men  in  caves  and  huts,  and  there  were 
instances  in  which  some  resistance  was  made  to  officers  sent  to  arrest  them. 
These,  no  doubt,  endured  more  hardships  and  experienced  more  fear  than  would 
have  resulted  from  serving  a term  in  the  army.  But  their  experiences  and  the 
internal  history  of  their  flight  from  duty  will  probably  never  be  written,  as  the 
subject  is  one  to  which  they  do  not  care  to  allude.  One  party  ran  away  from 
a township  in  Hancock  County,  Ohio,  swam  the  dangerous  river  at  Detroit, 
Mich.,  and  subsisted  for  months  chopping  cord-wood  for  the  negroes  residing 
in  the  vicinity  of  Windsor.  They  were  excessively  chagrined,  on  their  return, 
to  hear  that  they  had  taken  all  this  risk  and  endured  all  this  hardship  for  noth- 
ing, for  their  township,  having  raised  its  quota,  was  never  drafted ! 


* 


52 


THE  HEGIRA  OF  THE  INVALIDS. 


Ablishnist ; and  I owe  him  a store  bill  wich  hez  stood  about  8 
years.  I protest  agin  all  sich  appintments. 

I left,  in  company  with  five  other  invalids,  wun  nite,  a little 
after  the  witchin  hour  uv  12  M.,’^  ez  Shakspeer  hez  it,  and 
any  wun  beholdin  our  faces  wood  hev  bin  satisfide  that  sum 
^‘church-yard  yawned  jest  previously.  We  traveld  all  nite, 
“ sustaned  and  soothed  by  an  unfaltrin  trust  in  a bottle  wich  I, 
with  my  usual  foresite,  took  along,  together  with  two  and 
one  third  yards  uv  bolony  sassige,  wich  I alluz  use  ez  a thirst- 
provoker.  We  met  no  interrupshen  till  we  got  within  five 
miles  uv  Toledo  (wich  we  did  by  5 P.  M.  uv  the  next  day  — 
wich,  permit  me  to  remark,  wus  good  travelin  fer  sich  de- 
billytatid  cusses),  when  we  wuz  stopt  by  a pickit-gard  uv  the 
“ Anti-draftin  Invalid  League,”  who  remarkt : “ Who  goes 
there  ? ” “A  invalid,”  sez  I.  “ A Peece  invalid  ? ” sez  he. 
“ Ther  aint  no  other  kind,”  sez  I;  whereupon  sez  he,  “ Yoor 
a man  uv  sence ; ” a fact  uv  wich  I hed  been  long  aware.  I 
presented  my  liquid  consiliater,  when  he  informed  me  that 
Toledo  wuz  closely  watcht,  that  escape  by  steemer  was  im- 
possible, and  that  a small  boat  was  our  only  chance.  He  took 
us  to  the  lake  shore,  furnisht  us  a boat,  and,  jest  as  the  sun 
wuz  a sinkin  behind  the  golden  horizon,  I bid  my  nativ  land 
adoo. 

I need  not  dwell  upon  the  perils  uv  that  terrible  passage. 
Suffice  it  to  say,  that;  for  invalids,  we  rowed  well,  and  finally 
landed  at  -the  little  village  uv  Brest,  wher  we  now  are. 

Two  hundred  peece  men  are  here,  and  I must  acknowledge 
that  we  are  not  treeted  with  that  distinguished  consideration 
usually  accordid  political  eggsiles.  Fer  instance,  at  the  tavern 
where  I board,  the  parlor  is  partikelerly  pleasent,  and  I wuz  a 
settin  into  it.  In  trips  a girl,  purty  enuff  for  a man  whose  taste 
wuz  not  vishiated  to  eat.  “ Shel  I shet  down  this  window, 
sir  ? ” sez  she.  “ Why  shet  it  down,  gentle  maid  ? ” retorts 
I,  lookin  sweet  onto  her.  “ Because,”  replide  she,  “ I thot 
perhaps,  the  draft  was  too  much  for  ye.”  A few  slavish 
Kanajens,  who  set  there,  laft.  The  landlord  required  a montlf  s 
pay  in  advance,  and  a further  deposit  uv  25  cents  per  eggsile, 
as  sekoority  fer  the  pewter  spoons  wich  we  hev  at  table.  To 
cap  the  climacks,  last  nite  a big  nigger  was  put  into  eech  uv 


IS  FINALLY  DEAFTED. 


53 


our  rooms,  and  we  were  forced  to  sleep  with  em,  or  okkepy 
the  floor,  wich  I did.  The  cussid  nigger  laft  all  nite,  in  a man- 
ner trooly  aggravatin  to  hear. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 

P.  S.  — Tell  my  wife  to  send  sich  money  as  she  earns,  to 
me,  as  livin  is  high,  and  ther  aint  no  tick.  The  township  kin 
support  her  and  the  childern. 


IX. 

IS  FINALLY  DRAFTED. 

Camp  uv  the  778th  Ohio  Kidnapt  Melisht,  > 
Toledo,  October  the  17th,  1862.  5 

I AM  here,  clad  in  the  garb  uv  slaivry  ! Nasby,  clothed  in 
a bobtailed  bloo  coat,  a woolin  shirt,  and  bloo  pants,  with  a 
Oysteran  mu  skit  in  his  hands,  a going  thro  the  exercise ! 
Good  hevings  ! wat  a spectacle  ! 

The  draft  was  over,  and  I thot  that  wunst  more  I’d  visit  my 
native  land.  Gaily  I stept  abord  the  boat  that  was  to  carry 
me  from  British  shores  — gaily  I say,  for  my  money  hed  given 
out  some  weeks  afore,  and  I hed  earned  a precarious  sub- 
sistence a sawin  wood  in  pardnership  with  a disgustin  mulatto, 
and  I lookt  forward  with  joyful  antisepashens  to  the  time  when 
I should  agen  embrace  Looizer  Jane  (the  pardner  uv  my 
buzzum),  and  keep  my  skin  perpetooally  full  uv  the  elickser  uv 
life,  out  uv  her  washin  money.  Joyfully  I sprang  off  the  boat 
onto  the  wharf  at  Toledo,  when  a hevy  hand  was  laid  onto 
my  shoulder.  Twas  a soljer  ! The  follerin  conversashen 
ensood : 

Wat  wantest  thow,  my  gentle  friend?  ” 

“ I want  yoo,  my  gay  Kanajen.” 

On  wat  grounds  ? ” retortid  I. 

On  the  ground  uv  eloodin  uv  the  draft,”  sez  he. 

“ Yoor  mistaken,”  sez  I ; I’m  a Ablishnist  — a emissary.  I 


54 


A RAY  OF  LIGHT. 


hev  bin  a spredin  the  bread  uv  life  among  the  poor  colored 
brethrin  in  Kanady,  and  am  jest  returnin  to  run  thro  another 
lot.  Let  me  pass,  I entreat  thee,  nor  stay  me  in  my  good 
work.’’ 

Not  much,”  sez  he.  I know  better.  Yoor  a butternut.” 

“ How  knowst  thou  ? ” sez  I. 

“ Yoor  nose,”  sez  he.  That  bucheus  beekun  lite  wuz 
never  got  out  uv  spring  water.” 

Yoor  knowledge  uv  men  and  things  is  too  much  for  me.  I 
confess,  and  surrender  at  discreshun — do  with  me  ez  thou 
wilt.” 

And  he  did.  1 wuz  led  out  to  camp,  and  wuz  allowed  to 
volunteer  to  fite  against  my  convickshens  — against  my  breth- 
ren, who  hev  taken  up  arms  in  a rightous  coz.  So  be  it. 
Hentzforth  the  name  uv  Nasby  will  shine  in  the  list  uv 
marters. 

Amid  the  dark,  deep  gloom  that  envellups  me,  wun  ray  uv 
light  strikes  me.  I hev  seen  the  eleckshun  returns,  and  wen 
I seed  em,  I yelled  Hallelogy ! Me  and  another  victim  uv 
Linkin’s  tyranny,  who  is  a Dimekrat  (he  wuz  a postmaster 
under  Bookannon,  and  wen  removed  by  Linkin,  dident  give 
up  the  balance  uv  money  he  had  on  hand,  fearin  twood  be  used 
to  subvert  our  free  instooshns),  hed  a jubilee.  We  smuggled  a 
bottle  uv  condenst  ekstasy,  and  celebratid  muchly. 

The  North’s  redeemed  ! ” showtid  I. 

“ Let  the  eagle  screme  ! ” yelled  he. 

The  Quakers  hev  votid  ! ” showtid  I. 

“ Ablishnism  dead  ! ” screemed  he. 

Dimokrasy’s  triumphed  L’  laft  I ; and  so  on,  until  after 
midnite,  Avhen,  completely  eggsaustid,  we  sank  into  slumber, 
witji  a empty  bottle  atween  us. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 

P.  S.  — Tell  Looizer  Jane  that  I may  never  see  her  again  — 
that  shood  it  be  my  fate  to  perish  on  the  battle-field,  amid  the 
rore  uv  battle  and  the  horrors  uv  missellaneous  carnage,  my 
last  thot,  ez  life  ebbs  slowly  aAvay,  shall  be  uv  her ; and  ask 
her  if  she  can’t  send  me  half  or  three  quarters  uv  the  money 
she  gits  fer  washin,  ez  Avhisky  costs  fritefully  here. 


P.  Y.  N. 


DESERTS  — HIS  EXPERIENCE  IN  CLOTHES. 


55 


X. 

DESERTS  — HIS  EXPERIENCE  IN  CLOTHES. 

Camp  uv  the  Looisiana  Pelicans,  } 
November  the  1st,  1862.  > 

I HEV  deserted,  and  am  now  a soljer  uv  the  Confederacy. 
Jest  ez  soon  ez  our  regiment  struck  Suthrin  sile,  I made  up 
my  mind  that  my  bondage  wuz  drawin  to  a close  — that  I wood 
seeze  the  fust  oppertoonity  uv  escapin  to  my  nateral  frends,  — ■ 
the  soljers  uv  the  sunny  South.  Nite  before  last  I run  the 
guard,  wuz  shot  at  twice  (reseevin  two  buck-shot  jest  below 
the  hind  buttons  uv  my  coat),  but  by  eggstrordinary  luck  I 
escaped.  Had  infantry  bin  sent  after  me  I shood  hev  bin 
taken,  for  I am  not  a fast  runner ; but  the  commandant  uv  the 
post  wuz  new  at  the  biznis,  and  innocently  sent  cavalry.  Be- 
tween the  hossis  they  rode,  and  the  stoppin  to  pick  up  them 
ez  coodent  stick  onto  ther  flyin  steeds,  I hed  no  difficulty  in 
outrunnin  em. 

At  last  I encounterd  the  pickits  uv  the  Looisiana  Pelicans, 
and  givin  myself  up  ez  a deserter  from  the  hordes  uv  the 
tyrant  Linkin,  wuz  to-wunst  taken  afore  the  kernel.  I must 
say,  in  this  conneckshun,  that  I wuz  surprised  at  the  style  uv 
uniform  worn  by  the  Pelicans.  It  consists  uv  a hole  in  the 
seet  uv  the  pants,  with  the  tale  uv  the  shirt  a wavin  gracefully 
therefrom.  The  follerin  colloquy  ensood : — 

Deserters  from  the  Federal  army  went  chiefly  in  two  directions.  The 
greater  part  of  the  unwilling  conscripts  fled  to  Canada,  but  there  were  some 
in  the  earlier  stages  of  the  war  who  not  only  deserted,  but  went  over  to  the 
enemy.  These  belonged  to  that  class  who  were  willing  “ to  fight  as  they  voted,” 
to  use  a campaign  phrase  which  obtained  during  the  war.  As  the  number  of 
conscripts  increased,  the  deserters  were  proportionately  more  frequent,  but  the 
number  of  those  who  deserted  to  the  enemy  steadily  decreased  as  the  contest 
proceeded,  until,  during  the  last  year  of  the  war,  this  species  of  desertion  ceased 
entirely.  The  desperate  straits  of  the  Confederates  made  the  field  uninviting, 
and  for  a year  or  two  before  the  collapse  of  the  rebellion,  the  condition  of  the 
rebel  army  was  scarcely  worse  than  that  described  in  the  text.  However  much 
some  of  the  conscripts  may  have  desired  the  success  of  the  rebellion,  and  what- 
ever hardship  they  may  have  been  willing  to  undergo  “ for  principle,”  they  were 
not  willing  to  exchange  a comfortable  suit  of  blue  for  a cast-off  suit  of  rebel 
gray,  nor  a certain  supply  of  rations  for  the  precarious  and  inferior  subsistence 
turnished  the  Confederate  armies. 


56 


THE  EPISODE  OF  THE  UNIFORM. 


To  what  regiment  did  yoo  belong  ? 

776th  Ohio.’’ 

Volunteer  or  draftid  ? ” 

“ Draftid.” 

Yoor  name  ? ” 

Nasby,  Petroleum  V;” 

I notist  all  this  time  the  kernel  wuz  eyein  my  clothes  wistful- 
ly. I had  jest  drawd  em,  and  they  wuz  bran-new.  Sez  the 
kernel : — 

Mr.  Nasby,  1 reseeve  you  gladly  ez  a recroot  in  the  Grand 
Army  uv  Freedom.  Ez  yoo  divest  yoorself  uv  the  clothes  uv 
the  tyrant,  divest  yerself  uv  whatever  lingrin  affecshuns  yoo 
may  hev  fer  the  land  uv  yer  nativity,  and  ez  yoo  array  yerself 
in  the  garb  uv  a Suthrin  soljer,  try  to  fill  yer  sole  with  that 
Suthrin  feelin  that  animates  us  all.  Jones,”  sed  he,  addressin 
his  orderly,  “ is  Thompson  dead  yit  ? ” 

Not  quite,”  sez  the  orderly. 

Never  mind,”  sez  the  kernel,  he  cant  git  well  uv  that 
fever ; strip  off  his  uniform  and  give  it  to  Nasby,  and  berry 
him.” 

I judgd,  from  the  style  uv  the  uniforms  I saw  on  the  men 
around  me,  that  I wood  rather  keep  my  own,  but  I sed  nothin. 
When  the  orderly  returned  Avith  the  deceest  Thompson’s  uni- 
form, I groaned  innardly.  There  wuz  a pair  uv  pants  with  the 
seat  entirely  torn  aAvay,  and  wun  leg  gone  beloAV  the  knee,  a 
shoe  Avith  the  sole  off,  and  the  straw  he  had  wrapped  around 
the  other  foot,  and  a gray  Avoolen  shirt.  Sez  the  kernel : 

Don’t  be  afeered  uv  me,  Nasby.  Put  on  yer  uniform  rite 
here.” 

Peluctantly,  I pulled  off  my  new  dubble-soled  boots,  and  I 
wuz  petrified  to  see  the  kernel  kick  off  the  slippers  he  Avore, 
and  pull  em  on.  I pulled  off  my  pants  — he  put  em  on,  and  so 
on  Avith  every  article  uv  dress  I possest,  even  to  my  warm 
overcoat  and  blankit.  Sez  the  kernel : 

These  articles,  Nasby,  belongs  to  the  Guvment,  to  Avhich  I 
shel  akount  for  them.  Keport  yoorself  to-wunst  to  Captin 
Smith.” 

Ez  I passed  out,  the  lootenant-kernel,  majer,  and  adjutent 
pulled  me  to  Avun  side,  and  askt  me  ef  I coodent  git  three 


CAPTURES  A TURKEY. 


57 


more  to  desert.’’  Wun  glance  at  tlieir  habillyments  showd  why 
they  wuz  so  anxious  fer  deserters. 

I candidly  confess  that  Linkin  takes  better  care  uv  his  soljers 
than  Davis  does.  The  clothin  I hev  described.  Instid  uv  reglar 
rashens,  we  are  allowed  to  eat  jest  whatever  we  can  steal  uv 
the  planters,  and,  ez  mite  be  expectid,  we  hev  becum  won- 
derfully expert  at  pervidin  ; but,  ez  the  Pelicans  hev  bin  campt 
here  three  months,  the  livin  is  gittin  thin.  Yet  a man  kin  en- 
door  almost  any  thing  for  principle. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 


XI. 

CAPTURES  A TURKEY. 

Camp  uv  the  Looisiana  Pelicans,  ^ 
November  the  15th,  1862.  > 

Nasby  still  lives,  though  I must  say  its  rayther  tite  nippin. 
The  servis  uv  the  Suthrin  Confedracy  wood  be  ez  pleasent  ez 
any  military  life  cood  be,  were  it  not  for  three  things,  to-wit  : 

1.  We  hev  nothin  to  eat. 

2.  Our  clothes  is  designed  more  for  ornament  than  use,  con- 
sistin  cheefly  uv  holes  with  rags  around  em  — an  appropriate 
summer  costoom,  but  rayther  airy  for  this  season. 

3.  Our  pay  is  irreglar,  and  not  jest  ez  good  in  quality  ez  cood 
be  wished. 

Fer  instance.  Our  regiment  hezzent  reseevda  cent  fer  eight 
months,  and  ther  wuz  much  grumblin,  wich  cum  to  the  ears  uv 
the  kernel. 

The  men  murmur,  do  they  ? ” sed  he  to  his  adjutent. 

Thejr  complaints  is  just,  and  they  shel  be  paid  their  just 
dooze.  Is  ther  a printin  offis  in  the  town  ? ” 

“ Ther  is,”  retorts  the  adjutent. 

‘‘  Go  take  possession  uv  it  in  the  name  uv  the  Confedrit 
States,  and  seeze  whatever  paper  he  may  hev  on  hand.  The 
faithful  Pelicans  must  be  paid” 


58 


THE  TUEKEY’S  fate. 

The  next  day  every  wun  uv  the  men  hed  his  haversack 
stufft  with  money,  each  wun  takin  ez  much  ez  he  jndgd  he 
cood:  use.  It  does  very  well,  except  that  it  gives  the  grocery- 
keepers  much  trouble,  as  they  take  it  by  weight  — a $1  bein 
wuth  ez  much  ez  a $20,  ceptin  that  the  $20  is  a trifle  the  lar- 
gest, and  weighs  more. 

An  incident.  I wuz  out  on  pikkit  dooty,  in  the  immejit 
visinnity  uv  a planter’s  barn,  who  hed  bin  siispectid  uv  Union- 
ism. I saw  a turkey,  capchered  it,  and  indulged  all  the  way 
into  camp  into  the  pleasant  idee  that,  fer  the  fust  time  in  two 
months,  I wood  hev  a stumic-distendin  dinner.  Ez  I entered 
camp  I met  the  kernel,  who,  ez  his  eagle  eye  caught  the  proud 
bird  I held,  spoke,  sayin,  — 

Ha  ! a turkey  ! Wher  gottist  thow  him  ? 

I capcherd  him  at  Johnson’s,”  replied  I. 

“ Fat  and  young,”  mused  he,  feelin  uv  him  ; and  then,  lookin 
up,  thus  he  did  say : My  venerable  patriot  (he  allooded  to  my 

gray  hairs),  this  bird  belonged  to  a Union  man,  and  all  sich 
property  taken  by  the  army  belongs,  uv  coarse,  to  the  gover- 
ment.  Yoo  will  forthwith  take  it  to  my  quarters.” 

Not  hevin  eaten' any  thing  for  18  hours,  I determined  to 
make  wun  eflbi^t  for  my  turkey.  Sez  I : Admittin  the  bird 
belongs  to  the  goverment,”  sez  I,  I may  retane  him,  I sup- 
pose, by  payin  his  valyoo,”  and  I tendered  him  a handful  uv 
the  money  we  hed  reseeved  that  mornin. 

Not  so  fast,  my  aged  hero,”  sed  he.  The  goverment 
needs  turkeys  more  than  it  does  money.  Money  we  kin  make, 
but  yoo  must  be  aware  that,  without  a material  alterashen  in 
our  anatomikle  structure,  the  makin  uv  a turkey  by  us  is  a im- 
possibility. Leave  the  property  at  my  quarters.”  ^ 

That  nite  I passed  the  kernel’s  quarters.  Ther  wuz  a sound 
uv  revelry  within,  and  the  odor  uv  a Thanksgivin  dinner  as- 
sailed my  nostrils.  The  next  mornin  I saw  the  kernel’s  dorg  a 
chawin  the  bones  uv  that  goverment  turkey. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby. 


IMPROVES  HIS  FORTUNES  BY  MARRIAGE. 


59 


XII. 

IMPROVES  HIS  FORTUNES  BY  MARRIAGE. 


Camp  uv  the  Looisiana  Pelicans,  } 
November  the  11th,  1862.  ) 

I AM  here,  and  mizrable  !* 

I am  not  less  than  213  per  cent,  more  mizrable  than  I used 
to  be  ! 

I consoomd  two  hours  uv  the  Sutherin  Confedracy’s  time,  and 
a 12-foot  board,  assertainin  the  eggsact  increese  uv  misery 
wich  I am  engoyin,  with  the  above  result. 

Wen  I wuz  draftid,  I wuz’nt  particularly  dissatisfied.  My 
posishen  wuz  becomin  precarious.  Looizer  Jane  (the  wife  uv 
my  buzum)  had  cut  off  my  supplies,  and  wuz  a wasting  the 
money  she  reseevd  fer  washin  on  bread  and  clothes  fer  the 
childern,  and  misunderstandins  and  coolnisses  ensood.  I whaled 
her  in  the  afternoon,  when  she  wuz  tired,  and  she  whaled  me 
in  the  mornin,  when  she  wuz  fresh.  Had  I expendid  the 
energy  and  strength  consoomd  in  wdialin  Looizer  Jane  in 
choppin  cord-wood,  I mite  hev  owned  a farm.  I then  tried 
the  credit  system,  but  the  unanimity  Avith  which  the  bar- 
keepers all  remarkt  that  that  thing  wuz  played  out/^  avuz 
trooly  surprisin  to  the  undersined. 

Knowin  that  I cood  at  any  time  desert  to  my  Suthern  frends, 
I felt  satisfied  at  bein  draftid.  Sence  my  enrollment  in  the 
ranks  uv  the  Pelicans,  the  romance  uv  the ‘thing  hez  departid. 
Nothin  to  eat,  nothin  to  wear,  no  money,  and  hard  Avork.  This 
is  our  fix.  The  plump,  rosy  Nasby  is  no  more  — anserin  to  his 
name  is  a lean  individual,  upon  Avhose  nose  a bullet  cood  be 
split. 

I determined  to  better  myself  by  marriage.  The  idee  avuz 
sejestid  by  our  second  corpral,  Avho  interdoost  me  to  a AAudder 
lady  Avho  lived  jest  out  uv  toA\m — the  owner  uv  two  thousand 
akers.  The  akers  inspired  me,  and  I prest  my  soot  with 
vigger  and  arder.  In  a Aveek  the  thing  avuz  dun.  I caught 
the  regimental  chaplin  sober  enufi'  wun  nite,  and  we  avuz 
married. 


60 


THE  EESULT  OP  THE  SPECULATION. 


Fer  a day  I wuz  a happy  man.  I contemplatid  my  planta- 
shen,  and  wept  teers  uv  joy.  Suddenly  my  happiness  bustid. 
The  sargent  informed  me  that  my  wife  — the  future  sharer  uv 
my  joys  and  sorrers  — wuz  a octoroon,  one-eighth  nigger  ! — 
that  she  wuz  a slave  left  in  charge  by  her  mistress,  and  that 
the  corpral  did  it  jest  for  a goak  ! A purty  goak  to  play  upon 
a Dimekrat ! Nasby  marryin  a nigger  ! 

My  views  hev  changed  on  the  slavery  question.  Amalgama- 
shen  is  the  cuss  uv  slavery.  The  blacks  hev  bleached  and 
bleached,  until  it  is  almost  impossible  to  distinguish  the  slave 
from  his  owner.  Wen  the  mix  becomes  wuss,  wat  then  ? Wen 
the  slave  is  ez  white  ez  his  master,  wat  are  yoo  goin  to  do? 
Slavery,  like  a man  with  a tape-worm,  hez  within  itself  the  ele- 
ments necessary  to  its  destruction.  Amalgamashen  is  the 
tape-worm  uv  slavery. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 

XIII. 

CONYERSES  WITH  A SOUTHERN  SOLDIER. 

Camp  uv  the  Louisiana  Pelicans,  ^ 
December  the  11th,  1862.  ) 

I HED  a conversashen  tother  day  with  a fellow-defender  uv 
the  rites  uv  the  South,  wich  ruther  startled  me.  I wuz  a 
holdin  forth,  with  my  yoosual  ability,  on  the  blessidnis  uv 
slavery,  and  wuz,  uv  coarse,  quotin  hevy  from  skripter  to 
defend  my  position.  A member  uv  our  company  interruptid 
me  by  remarkin  that  nacher  hed  spiled  a great  rascal  in  me  by 
not  contributin  a suffishent  amount  uv  brains.  He  continued 
his  remarks : 

Nasby says  he,  I know  slavery  is  a cuss  — a onmitty- 
gated  cuss.  I hed  18  niggers,  and  they  kept  me  as  poor  as  a 
skim-milk  cheese.  The  hogs  eat  the  corn,  the  niggers  eat  the 
hogs,  and  I lived  on  what  they  left.  To  defend  my  property 
in  these  niggers,  we  seceshed  and  startid  a new  guvment. 
The  new  guvment  took  the  corn,  the  hogs,  the  niggers,  and 


CONVERSES  WITH  A SOUTHERN  SOLDIER. 


61 


finally  took  me.  My  oldest  dawter  run  off  with  wun  defender 
uv  the  flag,  my  wife  with  another,  and  my  youngest  childern 
is  livin  with  sum  niggers  to  old  for  the  guverment  to  take. 
IVe  had  my  share  uv  rites,  I hev.  Ef  there’s  any  more  comin 
to  me,  give  em  to  some  poor  person  as  needs  em.  I’m  jest 
more’n  rollin  in  a perfooshn  uv  that  kind  uv  wealth.” 

But,”  sez  I — 

Ther  aint  no  huts,”  sez  he.  Yoo’re  a Northern  man,  and 
don’t  hev  niggers.  Don’t  defend  nigger.  Ef  I hev  the  itch, 
I may  sware  that  itch  is  a good  thing ; but  wat  sense  is  ther 
in  yoor  swarin  it,  onasked  and  for  nothin.  Sech  stratejy 
borders  closely  on  lunacy.  Let  us  squeeze  our  own  biles  — 
don’t  yoo  do  it  gratooitous.  Appolygize  for  your  own  sins  — 
don’t  shoulder  ourn.  I may  be  mean  for  my  o\yn  profit,  but 
to  act  dirty  for  another  man’s  use,  and  hev  him  kick  ye  tor 
doin  it,  is  a lick  ahead  uv  my  comprehenshun.  Durn  all 
sich  men.” 

And  he  stawkt  indignantly  away. 

1 hev  reseevd  more  letters  from  frends  in  my  wunst  happy 
but  now  distractid  home  than  I kin  anser  separately.  I shel 
do  it  all  to-wunst,  thus : 

John  M.  — Shoemakin  wood  be  a splendid  biznis  here,  only 
ther  aint  no  leather.  Practice  half-solin  with  straw  before 
yoo  start. 

W.  G.  — The  pay  uv  a member  uv  the  Mississippi  Legislater 
is  $6  per  diem,  evry  day,  paid  in  Confedrit  30  per  cent,  bonds, 
redeemable  at  the  pleasure  uv  the  guverment  any  time  within 
two  centuries.  Come  along.  Almost  anybody  kin  git  oflis  in 
this  state. 

P.  N.  — Ther  is  a good  openin  for  a watchmaker  here.  I 
am  the  only  mechanic  in  this  section  uv  Mississippy.  I fixt 
the  kernel’s  watch  yisterday ; forged  a mane-spring  out  uv  a 
baynot,  and  for  a chane  used  a fiddle-string.  It  don’t  jest 
keep  time,  but  ez  it  ticks,  it  ansers  to  bet  on  poker  with. 
Fetch  sum  lard  ile ; tar  won’t  work  ^n  watches,  even  in  this 
warm  climate. 

Amos.  — The  success  uv  our  goverment  is  shoor.  Finances 
hez  troubled  us,  but  our  Sekretary  uv  the  Treasury  hez  bought 
two  fast  printin-presses  and  a lot  uv  paper  on  tick,  and  we 
now  git  all  we  want.  Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 


62 


HOW  DESERTERS  FARED  AT  HOME. 


XIV. 

AT  HOME. 

Wingert’s  Corners,  Ohio,  ) 
February  the  27th,  1863.  \ 

A MAN  who  duz  things  frum  principle  kin  stand  a good  deal. 
I kin.  Snstaned  and  soothed  by  an  nnfaltrin  trust  in  the 
rychusnis  uv  the  Suthrin  coz,  I stuck  to  my  beluvd  regiment, 
the  Loozeaner  Pelikins,  with  a tenasity  wich  I did  not  dream 
I possest.  But  ther  is  a pint  beyond  wich  human  nacher  can- 
not go.  I endoord  hunger  and  cold  — I saw  the  rags  drop  olF 
my  muskeler  limbs  wun  by  wun  — I murmured  not.  But, 
wen  the  pantaloons  wuz  awl  gone,  wen  my  costoom  wuz  a 
blanket  and  wun  shoe,  and  I applide  for  new  pants,  and  the 
quarter-master  onfeelinly  remarkt  that  my  dress  wuz  all  rite  — 
that  hereafter  my  costoom  wuz  to  be  adoptid  ez  the  uniform 
uv  the  regiment  — I feel  that  desershun  wuz  no  longer  a crime, 
and  I deserted.  It  is  entirely  onnessary  to  rekount  awl  I en- 
doored  in  makin  my  eskape.  Suffice  it  to  say,  that  at  Colum- 
bus I stript  the  klose  off  uv  an  innebriatid  solger,  and  made 
my  way  to  Amandy  Township.  My  old  Dimekratik  friends 
did  not  kno  me,  and  ez  I expected  to  borry  money  uv  them,  I 
deemed  it  best  not  to  make  myself  known. 

They  were  suspishus  uv  my  bloo  kote  at  fust,  until  wun  uv 
them  remarkt  how  I likt  the  serviss  ? 

To  wich  I answered,  Dam  the  serviss  ! 

Don’t  admire  fitin  for  the  nigger,  eh  ? ” 

Not  any,”  sez  I. 

Why  not  desert  ? ” sez  he. 

1 hev  deserted,”  sez  I. 

In  a instant  the  aspeck  uv  things  wuz  changed.  A jug 
wuz  prodoost,  and  they  awl  shook  hands.  Wun,  more  richer 
nor  the  rest,  handed  me  a treasury  note  uv  $10,  sayin,/‘  You 
may  need  it.” 

I replide  that,  as  a general  thing,  I wood  hev  nothin  to  do 
with  any  paper  that  bore  the  babboon  likeness  uv  the  usurper 
and  tyrent  Linkin  ; but,  under  the  cirkumstances,  I wood  en- 
door  it  until  I cood  get  it  changed  into  Ingeany  money.  They 


ASSISTS  DRAFT  RESISTERS. 


63 


took  up  a collekslmn  to-wunst,  for  my  benefit^  which  amounted 
to  43  dollars. 

Jest  at  this  pint  wun  uv  em  asked  me  to  what  regiment  I 
belonged.  I replied,  “ The  Loozeaner  Pelikins.’^ 

Loozeaner  ! ’’  sed  another ; why,  that’s  a Confedracy  regi- 
ment, aint  it  ? ” 

To  be  sure,”  sez  I. 

And  are  yoo  a deserter  from  a Suthrin  regiment?”  sez  the 
benevolent  old  butternut  who  hed  invested  $10  in  the  deserter 
biznis. 

Sartin,”  sez  I. 

Seezin  me  by  the  throat,  he  ejackulated,  Give  me  my 
money,  you  swindler  ! ” And  with  a unanimity  trooly  sur- 
prisin,  they  awl  yelled,  Give  me  my  money,  you  swindler  — 
you  got  it  under  false  pretences.”  Hevin  the  money  safe  in  my 
pockit,  I took  these  compliments  with  ekanimity,  sidlin  out  and 
gettin  away  ez  soon  ez  possible. 

I am  disappointed  in  Amandy.  Frum  wat  I hed  heard,  I hed 
supposed  they  were  kind  to  deserters.  I find  that  it  makes 
much  difference  wich  side  you  desert  from. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 


XV. 

ASSISTS  DRAFT  RESISTERS. 

In  the  Hands  of  Linkin  Hirelings,  ^ 
Hoskinville,  March  26,  1863.  } 

•I  AM  in  durance  vile.  Wunst  more  the  tree  uv  liberty  is 
uprooted  in  my  person  ; wunst  more  hev  the  unrighteous  tools 
uv  the  monster  Linkin  seized  my  venerable  form  and  incar- 

Hoskinville  is  a small  village  in  Noble  County,  Ohio,  which  was  made 
the  headquarters  of  a body  of  draft-resisters.  Inspired  with  confidence  that 
a general  resistance  could  be  made  to  the  United  States  authorities  in  charge 
of  the  draft  by  means  of  the  Knights  of  the  Golden  Circle  — a secret  order 
instituted  to  throw  all  possible  hindrances  in  the  way  of  the  loyal  cause  — the 
copperhead  Democracy  of  the  vicinity  made  an  armed  rendezvous  at  this 
point.  The  movement  was,  of  course,  a miserable  failure,  like  the  greater  re- 
bellion, of  which  it  was  a miniature. 


64 


THE  HEEOES  OF  HOSKINVILLE. 


ceratid  it  in  a basteel.  So  many  times  hev  I bin  imprisoned 
fer  opinion’s  sake,  that,  ef  I kin  get  a pardner  with  capital,  I 
shel  go  into  the  rnarterin  biznis.  But  to  my  narrashen.  When 
the  news  reechd  me  uv  the  bold  stand  made  by  the  heroes  uv 
Hoskinville  in  opposition  to  the  draft,  I determined  to  throw 
myself  “ into  the  deadly  and  imminent  breech.”  I made  my 
way  to  Hoskinville,  wuz  reseeved  with  the  wildest  enthoosiasm 
by  the  patriots  ther  assembled,  and  wuz  to  wunst  placed  in 
command  uv  the  forces.  It  wuz  a proud  day  for  Nasby  ! 
Before  me  stood,  leaned,  and  laid  (akordin  ez  they  hed  emptied 
their  canteens,  wich  wuz  all  filled  with  new  fitin  whisky),  two 
hundred  uv  the  brave  sons  uv  Hoskinville,  from  the  rich,  hory- 
headed  farmer  (uv  whom  I promptly  borrerd  80  odd  dollars) 
to  the  gay  and  sportive  yooth  uv  16,  all  consoomd  with  on- 
quenchable  arder.  I drilled  sech  uv  them  ez  were  suffishently 
sober  to  keep  their  feet,  nigh  onto  two  days,  amoozin  ourselves, 
into  the  intervals  with  passin  resolooshens  denouncin  Linkir., 
and  pledgin  ourselves  to  resist  even  unto  death. 

At  last  our  scouts  brot  us  intelligence  that  two  companies 
uv  bloo-coated  hirelins  wuz  within  9 miles  uv  us,  approachin  at 
the  rate  uv  wun  and  a half  miles  per  hour.  Ha  ! ” shouted  I, 
the  foe  ! they  comest ! Now,  men  uv  Hoskinville  and  visin- 
nity,  show  yourselves  men  ! ” Accordinly  another  meetin  was 
immejitly  organizd,  chairman  and  sekretary  appointid,  and  a 
resolution  passed,  pledgin  the  meetin  to  resist,  even  unto  death, 
the  proseedins  to  be  published  in  all  the  Dimecratik  papers. 
We  adjourned,  and  I wuz  about  drawin  on  em  up  in  line  uv 
battle,  and  wuz  instructin  uv  em  to  hold  the  muzzle  uv  the  gun 
from,  instid  uv  toward,  theirselves  when  they  fired,  and  wuz 
explainin  to  others  the  necessity  uv  puttin  the  powder  down 
the  barrel  before  the  ball,  and  makin  sich  other  arrangements 
ez  a wise  and  prudent  commander,  determined  to  conker  or 
die,  would,  when  suthin  like  a dozen  uv  em  ejakilates : 

Gineral ! ” 

Drawin  myself  up  to  my  full  hite,  I anserd,  “ Wat ! ” 
Gineral,”  sez  one  uv  the  oldest,  we  are  not  advantajusly 
postid.  Wood  it  not  be  better  on  the  hill?  ” sed  he,  pintin  to 
a high  eminence  jest  east  uv  the  town.  I persCeved  at  a 
glance  the  strategik  importance  uv  the  position,  as  the  enemy 
wuz  approachin  from  the  west,  and  I ordered  the  men  to  de- 


STRATEGIoES. 


65 


ploy  by  squadrons,  in  open  right  file  platoons,  and  okepy  the 
summit.  Never  wuz  a order  obeyed  with  greater  alacrity.  I 
hev  a reputashen  fer  speed  — I kin  rival  the  courser  and  out- 
strip the  jentle  gazelle  — but  they  shot  past  me  like  an  arrow. 
Their  enthoosiasm  carried  em  to  the  top  uv  the  hill,  and  how 
much  further  I hev  no  menes  uv  knowin,  ez  when  I reached 
the  top  uv  the  hill  not  wun  uv  the  resisters  wuz  in  site. 

I wuz  arrested  that  nite.  In  vain  I protested  that  I wuz  a 
Methodist  preacher  sellin  fruit  trees  ; my  nose,  wich  blossoms 
ez  the  lobster,  and  a copy  of  the  Noo  York  Day-Book  I bed  in 
my  pocket,  wuz  aginst  me,  and  I wuz  to-wunst  confined.  My 
feelins  is  hurt. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 

XVI. 

STRATEGISES. 

Wingert’s  Corners,  Ohio,  ) 
May  the  15th,  1863.  j 

Dimokrasy  hezn’t  ez  many  hobbies  now  ez  it  used  to  hev, 
and  it  is  somewhat  difficult  to  keep  the  people  strung  up  to  the 
proper  pitch.  Nigger  is  all  the  capital  we  hev  left,  and  its 
rather  tough  work  to  keep  the  old  machine  runnin.  In  Union 
and  Orange  their  blood  dident  bile  when  I told  em  that  40,000 
niggers  wuz  on  their  way  to  that  section  — nary  bile.  Sol 
hed  recourse  to  strategy.  Last  Friday  nite  I prokoored  some 
lamp-black  and  lard-ile,  and  applyin  it  to  my  classic  counte- 
nance and  my  laber-staned  hands,  transformed  myself  into  a 

The  rebel  party  in  the  North  relied  on  stirring  up  into  fury  the  ignorant  and 
prejudiced  against  the  unfortunate  victims  of  American  oppression.  Negro  riots 
in  several  of  the  large  cities  vs^ere  created  by  circulating  slanderous  fabrications, 
charging  colored  people  with  crimes  and  scandals.  In  one  city,  the  scum  of  its 
purlieus  was  excited  to  riotous  proceedings  by  a false  story,  charging  a promi- 
nent colored  man  with  insulting  a white  girl  who  came  to  his  store  as  a 
customer.  The  calumny  was  as  groundless  as  any  that  malice  ever  inv^ented. 
Yet  it  was  only  by  the  most  resolute  efforts  of  peaceable  citizens  that  a 
general  and  murderous  onslaught  on  the  unoffending  negro  population  was 
prevented. 


5 


GG 


THE  ENCOURAGING  RESULT. 


villainous  contraband.  Then  I proceeded  after  night  to  the 
south  end  uv  the  township,  and  at  daylight  commenst  going 
north.  The  skeem  workt  beautiful.  At  every  house  the  fol- 
lerin  conversashen  wood  ensoo : 

Hello,  Cuff!  wher  you  from?’^ 

Tennisee,  massa.” 

Wher  you  goin  ? 

Pse  gwine  to  stop  sumers  ’bout  heah.” 

Who  sent  you  North  ? ” 

Kurnel  Niblin,  and  de  Ablishners  ob  de  21st.” 

Dam  Niblin,  and  yoo  too.  Git ! ” 

Wich  I alluz  did.  Then  going  back,  I’d  take  another  road, 
stealin  sich  trifles  ez  shirts  and  stockins,  and  usin  sich  other 
means  uv  arousin  our  people  to  a realizin  sense  uv  the  cuss  uv 
a floatin  nigger  populashen  ez  sejested  themselves  to  my  mind. 
It  became  a serious  thing  though,  for  on  the  fourth  day  so 
many  hed  seen  me,  that  they  reely  sposd  the  nigger  invashen 
had  commenst,  and  they  hunted  me.  I run  a mile,  and  findin 
they  were  gainin  on  me,  darted  into  the  woods,  washed,  and 
come  out  ez  the  original  Nasby. 

Lord  ! what  an  enthoosiastic  meetin  we  had  that  night. 
Their  faith  in  the  nigger  invasion  hed  bin  shaky,  but  it  was 
now  firm.  They  had  seen  em.  Wun  had  seen  thirty-eight 
that  day,  uv  wich  number  he  wuz  proud  to  say  he  had  killed 
five.  I larfed  innardly,  but  held  my  peece.  Desepshen  is 
justifiable  now  and  then. 


Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 


ADDRESSES  THE  SOLDIERS. 


67 


XVII. 

ADDRESSES  THE  SOLDIERS. 

Joon  10,  1863. 

At  a meetin  iiv  the  managers  uv  the  ginoowine  Dimokrasy, 
consistih  uv  the  illustrious  Vallandigum  and  myself,  it  was 
resolved  to  ishoo  a address  to  the  soljers  uv  the  Cumberland. 
Vallandigum,  hevin  failed  in  the  habus  corpus  biznis,  is  em- 
ploy in  his  spare  time  in  amusin  of  hisself  in  Fort  Warin,  wich 
is  near  Boston.  The  dooty,  therefor,  devolves  upon  me. 

Soljers  : Ez  individooels  hevin  votes,  I esteem  you ; ez 
invaders  of  Dimekratik  states,  ez  men  engaged  in  the  slawtrin 
uv  Dimekrats  by  the  1000,  ez  bloo-coated  tools  uv  a Abolishn 
despotism,  I cannot  smile  on  you  appro vinly. 

Sum  uv  you  wuz  Dimekrats,  who,  without  contemplatin  the 
konsekences  to  the  party,  volunteerd.  Fatie  errer  ! incompre- 
hensible stoopidity  ! And  I regret  to  lern  that,  notwithstandin 
we  hev  told  you  over  and  over  that  it  is  a Abolishn  war,  you 
lalf  at  our  solium  warnins,  and  many  uv  you  hev  turned 
Abolishnists  yourselves. 

We  warned  you  uv  the  evils  that  wood  naterally  foller 
Abolishn  victoris.  To  show  you  that  we  proffeside  correctly, 
I call  yure  attenshun  to  the  follerin  strictly  Dimekratik  fact. 
Since  the  commensement  uv  the  war,  the  addishn  uv  niggers 
to  Northern  Ohio  hez  bin  ez  follows  : 

The  chief  reliance  of  the  rebel-sympathing  Democracy  was  in  imposing 
falsehoods  on  the  ignorant,  and  inflaming  their  prejudices  against  the  negro 
population.  They  represented  that  a flood  of  negroes  from  the  slave 
plantations  would  inundate  the  farms  and  workshops  of  the  North,  and 
supplant  the  labor  of  white  men ; that  they  would  establish  themselves  in 
positions  of  social  equality  with  white  people,  even  to  the  extent  of  marrying 
into  the  best  and  most  reputable  white  families.  In  one  congressional  district 
in  Indiana,  a couple  of  wagon-loads  of  negroes  were  hired  by  Democratic 
politicians  to  make  a journey  through  the  several  counties  of  the  district, 
passing  through  all  the  principal  towns,  to  create  the  impression  that  an 
immense  irruption  of  negroes  into  the  Northern  States  was  just  beginning,  from 
which  dire  results  were  to  be  apprehended.  In  like  manner  incredible  stories 
of  inter-marriages  between  whites  and  blacks,  in  distant  places  always,  were 
circulated. 


68 


SOME  POLITICAL  FACTS. 


Hancock, 28,000 

Wood,  84,000 

Lorane  (wich  is  near  Oberlin),  ....  103,000 

All  uv  wich  is  studyin  for  the  ministry,  drawin  cavalry 
captin’s  pay  and  rashens,  till  they  gradooate,  incloodin  two  white 
servants,  each. 

And  so  on,  ad  infinytum.  These  niggers  are  workin  in 
sitooashens  you  wunst  okepied.  The  tailor  shops,  blacksmith 
shops,  shoe  shops,  and  stores  is  all  filled  with  these  noosencis, 
fresh  from  Suthrin  plantashens.  So  yoo  see  that  while  they 
hev  seezed  upon  yoor  labor,  you  are  taxt  by  a nigger-lovin 
government  to  support  them  in  idlenis.  But  there  is  more 
facts : 

Number  uv  soljer’s  wives  who  died  uv  starvashen  in  Hancock  County 

last  week, 1,253 

Besides  one  small  woman  they  did  not  count.  And  all  this 
time  (my  blood  biles  wen  I think  uv  it)  the  entire  nigger 
populashen  is  bein  fed  on  briled  sirline  stake,  stufft  with 
oysters.  238  white  men  hev  marrid  black  females  within  two 
weeks,  also  803  white  wimmin  to  black  men,  all  in  the  corpora- 
shen  uv  WingerVs  Corners,  the  guverment  payin  license, 
preecher’s  fee,  and  the  bridle  outfit,  incloodin  furnytoor  to 
start  em  housekeepin. 

Tt  is  useless  to  multiply  instances.  You  are  exposin  yjoor 
lives  and  helth,  just  to  set  free  a army  uv  shiftlis  niggers,  who 
wont  work,  and  who,  by  takin  yoor  places  on  the  farms  and  in 
the  workshops,  will  prevent  you  from  earnin  a honest  livin  wen 
yoo  git  back. 

Soljers,  remember  these  things  wen  yoo  vote  this  fall. 
Under  Dimekratik  rule,  wen  the  South  roold  us  precisely  as 
they  wantid  to,  all  wuz  peace.  We  kin  hev  it  agin  on  the 
saim  terms,  with  perhaps  the  payin  uv  the  expensis  they  have 
incurred  in  manetainin  uv  ther  rites,  payin  penshuns  to  the 
widders  uv  them  yoo  hev  wickidly  slain,  et  settery. 

Soljers  ! you  kin  emansipate  yoorselves.  Shoot  yoor  orfisers, 
throw  down  yoor  arms,  and  cum  home.  The  old  party  is  in 
danger,  and  without  you  it’ll  go  to  rooin  a canterin.  Shel  any 
feelin  uv  pride  in  yoor  country  deter  you  from  comin  wen  yoor 
party  is  in  peril  ? I cannot  believe  it. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 


ORGANIZES  A DEMOCRATIC  CHURCH. 


69 


XVIII. 

ORGANIZES  A DEMOCRATIC  CHURCH. 

Wingert’s  Corners,  Ohio,  > 
June  the  6th,  1863.  ) 

Nothin  hez  dun  so  much  agin  the  Dimokrasy  ez  churches, 
skool-houses,  Sundy  skools,  preachers,  and  sich.  Here,  our 
people  hev  awoken  to  the  dangerous  tendencies  uv  sich  in- 
stooshns,  and  hev  set  about  viggerously  to  suppress  em.  Ez 
this  work  is  Avat  my  hart  delites  in,  I organized  the  pious  por- 
tion uv  the  Dimokrasy,  that  we  mite  do  our  work  well  and 
thorough.  When  my  gigantic  intellek  hez  a chance,  the  work 
is  shoor  to  be  well  done,  and  I hev  the  satisfaction  uv  an- 
nouncin  the  complete  destruction  uv  two  churches,  the  drivin 
off  uv  five  preachers,  and  the  frightnin  uv  many  wimin. 

But  my  mission  is  not  alone  to  tear  down  — I bild  up.  The 
ijee  segestid  itself  to  my  fertile  mind,  that  a strikly  Dimekratik 
church  and  Sundy  skool  wood  not  only  help  the  cause,  but 
afford  me  an  easy  livin. 

It  wuz  dun,  and  I am  reglarly  installed  ez  the  paster  uv  the 
First  Dimekratik  Church  uv  Ohio. 

The  follerin  is  the  order  uv  exercises  : — 

1 . People  assemble  at  the  second  tootin  uv  the  horn. 

2.  Readin  uv  one  uv  the  follerin  passages  uv  Skripter : 
9th  chapter  uv  Gennysis,-wich  relates  the  cussin  uv  Canaan, 
provin  that  niggers  is  skriptoorally  slaves  ; and  the  chapters 
about  Hayger  and  Onesimus,  wich  proves  the  Fugitive-slave 
Law  to  be  skriptooral.  (The  rest  uv  the  Bible  we  consider 
figgerative,  and  pay  no  attenshun  to  it  watever.) 

In  the  Soutli,  and  among  the  allies  of  slavery  in  the  North,  great  use  was 
made  of  the  Bible  in  arguments  to  prove  the  righteousness  of  slavery.  The 
main  argument  was  drawn  from  the  cursing  of  one  of  the  children  of  Ham  by 
Noah,  in  these  words  : — 

“Cursed  be  Canaan;  a servant  of  servants  shall  he  be  unto  his  brethren.” 

The  conclusion  was,  that  the  negroes  were  the  sons  of  Canaan,  and  the 
southern  saints  were  the  pious  patriarchs  in  whose  tents  he  was  to  dwell  as  a 
servant.  The  duty  to  return  fugitives  from  bondage  to  their  masters  was  in- 
ferred from  Paul’s  letter  to  Philemon.  Churches  were  organized  by  the 
Democracy,  in  various  parts  of  the  West,  on  this  purely  Democratic  basis. 


70 


THE  DEMOCRATIC  SUNDAY  SCHOOL. 


3.  Singin  — “ 0,  we’ll  hang  Abe  Linkin  on  a sour  apple-tree,” 
or  some  other  improvin  ode,  hevin  a good  moral. 

4.  Readin  extrax  from  the  Noo  York  Argus. 

5.  Singin- — 0,  John  Brown’s  body  hangs  a danglin  in 
the  air.” 

6.  Lecture  on  watever  phase  uv  the  nigger  question  may 
seem  appropriate. 

We  hev  also  organized  a Sundy  skool  on  a pure  basis.  I 
spent  much  time  in  gettin  up  a katekizm,  uy  wich  the  follerin 
is  a sample  : — 

Q.  Wat  is  the  cheef  end  uv  man  ? . 

A.  To  whale  niggers  and  vote  the  Dimekratik  tickit 
forever. 

Q.  Wat  do  the  Skripters  teach? 

A.  That  a angel  sent  Hayger  back  to  her  mistress ; that  Paul 
sent  Onesimus  back  ; and  Servance,  obey  yoor  masters.” 

Q.  Who  wuz  Onesimus  and  Hayger  ? 

A.  Onesimus  wuz  a mulatter,  and  Hayger  a octoroon. 

Q.  Wat  is  sin? 

A.  Skratchin  a ticket. 

Q.  Who  compose  the  Dimekratik  trinity  ? 

A.  Vallandigum,  Brite,  and  Fernandywood. 

Q.  Wat  is  the  first  duty  uv  man  ? 

A.  To  beware  uv  Ablishn  lies ; to  rally  to  the  poles  ] to  vote 
early ; and  to  bring  in  the  agid,  the  infirm,  and  the  ideotik. 

To  stimoolate  the  infant  mind,  I hev  institootid  a system  uv 
rewards,  ez  follows : 

For  commitin  two  verses  uv  Vallandigum’s  address,  one 
check  for  beer,  good  at  the  Corners ; five  verses,  two  checks ; 
twelve  verses,  four  checks ; and  to  the  child  hevin  the  most 
verses,  a copper-mounted  butternut  pin. 

We  bed  a festival  yesterday.  The  tables  wuz  bounteously 
spred  with  bolony,  liver-worst,  and  crackers,  wile  a barl  uv 
native  whisky  furnisht  the  flooids  nessary.  It  wuz  a tetchin 
site  to  see  the  mothers,  with  maternal  solissitood,  a mixin 
nacher’s  great  restorer  with  water  and  sorgum  surup,  to  adapt 
it  to  the  infantile  stumick.  For  my  part,  I alluz  take  mine 
strait. 

I bleeve  good  will  be  accomplisht.  Last  week,  in  makin  a 


‘‘Church  of  St.  Vallandigum.”  P.  V.  Nasby,  Pastor, 
AND  HIS  Flock.  Page  71. 


GOES  ON  WITH  HIS  CHURCH. 


71 


pastoral  visit,  jest  about  noon,  to  the  house  uv  wun  uv  my 
flock,  who  hez  fine  poultry,  I wuz  amoosed  at  heerin  a meer 
infant,  only  three  years  uv  old,  swinging  his  little  hat,  and  cry, 
“Hooraw  for  Jeff  Davis.’’  It  wuz  tetchin.  Pattin  the  little 
patriot  on  the  head,  I instantly  borrowd  five  cents  uv  his 
father  to  present  to  him. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 

— — 

XIX. 

GOES  ON  WITH  HIS  CHURCH. 

Church  of  St.  Vallandigum,  'i 
June  the  lOth,  1863.  ) 

We  hed  a blessid  and  improvin  time  yisterday.  My  little 
flock  staggered  in  at  the  usual  hour  in  the  mornin,  every  man 
in  a heavenly  frame  uv  mind,  hevin  bin  ingaged  all  nite  in  a 
work  uv  mercy,  to-wit : a mobbin  uv  two  enrollin  officers. 
One  uv  em  resisted,  and  they  smote  him  hip  and  thigh,  even 
ez  Bohash  smote  Jaheel.  (Skriptooral,  wich  is  nessary,  bein 
in  the  ministry.)  He  wuz  left  for  dead. 

We  opened  servis  by  singin  a hym,  wich  I writ,  commencin 
ez  follows : — 

“ Shel  niggers  black  this  land  possess, 

And  mix  with  us  up  here  ? 

O,  no,  my  friends ; we  rayther  guess 
WeTl  never  stand  that  ’ere.” 

I then  held  forth  from  this  text:  Whar  hev  ye  laid  him?” 

I statid  that  the  person  I referred  to  wuz  the  marterd  Yallan- 
digum,  and  I,  in  behalf  uv  a outraged  Dirnokrasy,  demanded 
uv  the  tyrant  Linkin,  Wher  hev  yoo  laid  him  ? ” A uncon- 
vertid  individooal  sed,  He’s  laid  him  out ! ” wich  remark  cost 

The  notoriety  obtained  by  Yallandigham  and  other  active  sympathizers 
with  the  rebellion,  had  the  effect  of  manufacturing  a host  of  imitators.  The 
sure  road  to  preferment  in  the  Democratic  party  at  that  time  was  “Martyr- 
dom,” and  the  pot-house  politicians  in  Democratic  localities  all  coveted  arrests. 
The  government  disappointed  all  but  a few  leading  spirits,  who  were  really 
dangerous. 


72 


A DEMOCRATIC  CLASS  MEETING. 


him  a broken  head.  I went  on  to  show  why  our  saint  hed  bin 
martered.  It  wuz  becoz  he  wuz  a Dimekrat  — becoz  he  dared 
to  exercise  the  rites  guaranteed  to  every  American,  exceptin 
Ablishnists  and  niggers,  uv  aboosin  the  guvernment.  For  this, 
and  nuthin  else,  wuz  he  eggsiled.  “ My  friends,”  sez  I,  drawin 
myself  up  to  my  full  hite,  and  lookin  as  much  like  Fernandy- 
wood  ez  possible,  I am  willin  to  be  marterd.  I denounce  this 
war  as  unholy,  unconstooshnel,  unrighteous,  and  unmittigated. 
It  is  nothin  less  than  a invashen  uv  Dimekratik  states  for  the 
sole  purpus  of  freein  niggers.  Linkin  is  a tyrant,  Burnside  a 
tool.  Order  38  a relik  of  barberism,  and  I will  resist  the  enroll- 
ment, the  conscripshen,  and  the  tax.  Hooray  for  Glefi  Davis.” 

Our  class-meeting  wuz  more  interestiner  than  ever.  One 
old  white-headed  brother  sed  that  at  times  his  way  was  dark, 
and  his  pathway  gloomy.  Wunst  he  wuz  very  near  becomin 
a infidle.  He  reely  believed  at  one  time  that  the  nigger  was 
human,  and  wunst  he  voted  for  a Republican  road  supervisor. 
But  he  hed  repented,  and  was,  he  trusted,  forgiven.  His 
mind  wuz  now  easy,  and  he  should  vote  the  whole  Dime- 
kratik  tickit. 

Two  backsliders,  who  scratched  their  tickits  last  fall,  confest 
their  sin  publicly.  I exhorted  them  two  hours,  fined  em  a 
gallon  uv  whisky  apeece,  and  took  em  into  full  communion. 
The  whisky  will  be  devotid  to  the  missionary  service,  wich 
is  me. 

This  is  a deliteful  feeld  uv  labor.  At  the  Corners  they  give 
me  sich  flooids  ez  I need  at  all  the  doggeries  but  one,  and  at 
that  one  they  trust  me,  wich  amounts  to  the  same  thing.  I 
hev  borrid  uv  my  flock  over  sixty  dollars  already.  It  is  a rich 
feeld,  and  wun  wich  will  endoor  much  workin.  My  nose  is 
deepnin  in  color  every  hour. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Cliurcli,  in  charge. 


General  Burnside,  in  command  of  the  department  including  Ohio,  issued  an 
order  providing  for  the  arrest  and  trial,  as  spies,  of  all  persons  who  “ commit 
acts  for  the  benefit  of  the  enemies  of  our  country,”  and  also  that  “ the  habit  of 
declaring  sympathy  for  the  enemy  will  not  be  permitted  in  this  department.” 
Under  this  order  (No.  38)  Vallandighara  was  arrested  and  sent  south. 


CAPCHERD.’^  73 

XX. 

capcheed;^ 

In  a Linkin  Basteel,  Columbus,  Ohio,  ^ 
June  the  20th,  18G3.  5 

Agen  I am  in  durence  vile.  Agen  1 am  in  the  hands  uv 
Linkin’s  hirelin  minyims,  and  my  church  is  without  a paster. 
The  sheperd  is  smitten  and  the  sheep  may  be  scattered.  Were 
it  not  for  two  barls  uv  whisky  that  we  hed  in  the  church,  I 
doubt  wether  the  orgaimizashen  wood  continue.  My  prayer 
is  that  the  cohesive  hooid  may  hold  out  till  I return.  My  cap- 
cher  wuz  ez  follows  : 

Wen  the  Dimekrats,  the  peece  men  of  Homes  County,  de- 
clared war,  I threw  off  the  sacerdotle  robes  and  tuk  up  the  sword. 
Arrivin  at  Millersberg,  I jined  the  peace  forces  to  oust.  Ability 
is  alluz  recognizd,  and  I wuz  immejitly  made  commander-in- 
cheef  uv  the  forces.  A full  uniform  uv  butiful  butternut  cloth 
and  a copperheded  sword  wuz  presented  me.  I immejitly  com- 
menst  drillin  the  men,  and  in  two  days  hed  them  perfishent  in 
compny  and  battalyun  drill. 

We  fortyfide,  buildin  gabeyuns,  faseens,  and  eliptiks,  and 
neglectid  no  precaushen  to  make  victry  sure.  Fifteen  hun- 
dred strong,  we  pledgd . ourselves  to  hist  the  black  flag,  and 
never  surrender. 

Finally  the  enemy  hove  in  site.  Ez  they  cum  up,  our  men 
trembled  with  anxiety  to  meet  em.  Sum  two  hunderd  askt 
permishen  to  withdraw  from  the  fortyfications,  make  a detoor 
over  the  hill,  and  flank  em,  wich  request,  bein  unwillin  to  re- 
strane  their  arder,  I ackseded  to.  Sum  500  jined  em,  and  I 
spoze  are  detoorin  yet,  ez  I hev  never  seen  em  since.  This 
movement  wuz  fatle,  ez  all  went  who  were  sober  enulf  to  walk. 
Jest  afterwards  cum  the  catastrophy.  Ten  uv  the  very  men 
who  hed  bin  formost  in  advisin  resistence,  cum  up  with  the 
Fedrals,  and  advised  a surrender  ! Hopin  to  gain  time,  I askt 
two  hours  *to  consider.  Unfortnit  errer ! Before  the  too 
hours  wuz  up,  half  the  men  wuz  sober,  and,  instid  uv  histin  the 
black  flag,  they  capitoolatid,  delivrin  up  the  ringleeders.  I 


74 


AN  EPISTLE. 


wuz  taken  ez  a bed  ringleeder,  and  wuz  ironed  and  taken  to 
Columbus,  wher  I now  am. 

In  hopes  uv  keepin  my  flock  together,  I writ  em  a epistle, 
as  follows : 

To  the  Faithful  at  Wiiigerfs  Corners,  greetin: 

I rite  you  in  bonds.  I beseech  you,  deerly  beloved,  to  be 
stedfast  in  yoor  faith,  holdin  on  to  sich  truth  ez  I left  you.  Be 
viggelent  in  good  works,  patient  in  chasin  enrollin  offisers,  and 
quick  in  tarrin  and  feathrin  on  em.  For,  tho  I am  not  with 
you,  the  tar-barl  and  whaCs  left  uv  the  feathers  is  in  my  study, 
jest  behint  the  whisky  barls.  Be  temprit.  Ten  or  twenty 
nips  per  day  is  enufl*  fer  any  man  in  health  ; if  weakly,  the 
number  may  be  indefinitly  increest.  I am  alluz  in  bad  helth. 
Beware  uv  false  teechers  : let  no  Ablishnists  pizen  yer  minds. 
Keep  up  yure  Sundy  exercises  ; ef  yoo  hev  wun  among  you 
that  kin  rede,  let  him  next  Sundy  eddify  yoo  with  Wood’s 
speech.  Neglect  not  the  Sundy  skool.  That  proper  interest 
may  be  kept  up  in  the  minds  uv  the  child ern,  1 wood  sejest 
that  Sundy  afternoons  you  ketch  a preecher  and  hev  the  dar- 
lins  rotten-egg  him.  “ Jest  ez  the  twig  is  bent,”  et  settry.  Be 
ennergetik  in  tearin  down  meetin-houses,  for  they  are  injoorin 
us.  In  conclooshen,  deerly  beloved,  remember  me.  Send  me 
a eucher  deck,  a two-gallon  jug  uv  corn  joose  ; also,  the  weekly 
collekshun.  Ef  I survive  I will  be  with  you  agen.  In  the  faith. 

*Ef  they  send  wat  I want,  I shell  be  comfortable  here. 

In  chains,  but  unsubdood, 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 

— 

XXI. 

STARTS  A PAPER. 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  > 
June  the  30th,  1863.  ^ 

I AM  back  in  the  midst  uv  my  flock.  I coodent  be  a marter. 
The  Fedral  orfisers  dismist  me  with  the  insultin  remark  that  I 
wuz  too  small  pertaters  to  notis.  Hevin  time  on  my  hands,  and 


STARTS  A PAPER. 


75 


feelin  that  I’m  livin  in  vane  onless  I am  doin  suthin  for  the 
grate  coz,  I hev  determined  to  ishoo  a paper,  devoted  to  dis- 
seminatin  my  vews.  I ishood  my  prospectuses  to-day,  ez  fol- 
lows : 

TO  THE  PURE  DIMOKRASY  ! 

Prospectus  uv  the  ^^Marter  and  Tyrent  Resister  P' 

August  1st,  the  undersined  will  ishoo  the  fust  number  uv  a 
paper  bearin  the  above  title,  devoted  to  the  interests  uv  the 
pure  Dimokrasy.  To  inshoor  the  fatheful  just  sech  a paper  ez 
they  need,  the  follerin  able  writers  hev  bin  ingaged,  regardless 
uv  expence : 

On  arbitrary  arrests  — Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 

On  habis  corpuss  — P.  Y.  Nasby. 

On  nigger  — P.  Yolcano  Nasby. 

On  violashens  uv  Constooshnal  rites  — Mr.  Nasby. 

This  brilyunt  gallaxsy  uv  intelleck,  under  my  editorial 
control. 

The  Marter  and  Tyrent  Resister  ” will  support  Democrasy, 
and  while  givin  the  goverment  a harty  support  in  puttin  down 
the  rebelyun,  will  uv  coarse  oppose  — - 

Coercin  the  secedid  staits ; invadin  the  secedid  staits ; raisin 
armies  by  volunteerin  ; raisin  armies  by  draft  or  conscripshen  ; 
raisin  means  by  tax  or  tariff ; arrestin  uv  men  for  sympathisin 
with  the  Southern  Dimokrasy ; arrestin  uv  enybody  for  any 
thing ; the  usin  uv  niggers  ez  soljers  ; the  usin  uv  white  men 
ez  soljers  ; every  thing  the  Administrashen  hez  dun,  is  doin,  er 
may  hereafter  do. 

It  Avill  viggerously  advocate  — 

The  Constitooshn  ez  it  is  ; doin  away  uv  the  Constitooshn ; 
the  Union  ez  it  wuz ; the  plan  for  dividin  the  Union  into  four 
parts  ; the  elekshen  uv  troo  Dimekrats  to  good  payin  offises  ; 
the  enforsement  uv  the  laws ; the  resistin  uv  conskripshen  and 
enrolin  offisers ; morality  and  good  order ; the  mobbin  uv 
Methodis,  Presbyterin,  Luthrin,  Brethrin,  and  other  hetrodox 
churches. 

I appeal  confidently  to  the  Dimokrasy  for  support.  The 
actooal,  ginooine  principles  uv  Dimokrasy  need  a able  defender. 


76 


PREACHES  AND  MAKES  A SUDDEN  SHIFT. 


and  I’m  the  identicle  individooal.  My  sole  is  in  the  coz,  and  I 
am  pecooliarly  fitted  by  eddicashen  and  tastes  for  the  posishen. 

I bleeve  the  speckelashen  will  pay.  My  church  welkomed 
me  back  with  a corjuality  trooly  affectin.  They  held  a festivle 
on  my  return,  to  wich  the  Sunday  skool  skollars  wuz  present. 
I unbended  myself,  and  kist  em  onct  apeece,  takin  a nip  of  corn 
essence  atween  times,  wich  wuz  nessary.  Mistakin  a mother 
for  her  infant,  the  infooriated  husband  assaulted  me.  1 wuz 
reskood  afore  much  damage  wuz  dun.  A speshl  church  meetin 
will  be  held  to  consider  his  case. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  ChurcJij  in  charge. 


XXII. 

PEEACHES  AND  MAKES  A SUDDEN  SHIFT. 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  > 
July  the  7th,  1863.  > 

I PREACHED  last  Sunday  from  the  text,  Break  every  yoke, 
and  let  the  opprest  go  free.”  I went  on  to  show  that  this  text 
had  no  reference  Avhatever  to  niggers.  Niggers  wuz  ordained 
to  be  bondmen,  from  the  very  day  Noah  took  a overdose  uv 
the  great  happy fier,  and  cust  Canaan.  But  the  text,  like  the 
Deklarashen  uv  Independense  and  the  ever-blessid  Constitoo- 
shn,  wuz  made  solely  for  white  men.  It  hed  undoubted  refer- 
ence to  the  pay  in  uv  debts.  Wat  heavier  yoke  is  ther  than 
notes  ? and  who  is  more  opprest  than  he  who  pays  ten  per 
cent.  ? “ Burn  yer  notes,  and  let  yer  debtors  go  free,”  wood 

be  a more  correcter  readin  uv  the  passage. 

In  our  biznis  meetin  in  the  afternoon,  the  question  uv  the 
draft  wuz  considered.  It  wuz  plain  that  the  enrolement  cood 
not  be  prevented.  The  enrolin  orfisers  hed  managed  to  do  it, 

The  “ suflflen  shifts  ” made  by  the  Democracy  during  the  second  and  third 
years  of  the  war  were  exceedingly  comical.  They  veered  as  the  wind  blew. 
A Federal  victory  made  them  tolerably  loyal,  and  a Confederate  success 
openly  disloyal.  The  average  Democrat  was  always  in  doubt  as  to  precisely 
where  he  stood. 


TWO  SETS  OF  EESOLUTIONS. 


77 


and  it  wuz  a certinty  that  every  name  atwixt  18  and  45  wiiz 
down.  And  we  were  also  satisfied  that  the  draft  cood  be  en- 
forst,  and  therefore  it  behooves  us  to  make  it  ez  liglit  ez  possi- 
ble, more  espeshly  ez  when  wun  uv  us  is  draftid,  he  will  hev 
to  go,  not  hevin  the  nessary  300  dollars.  It  is  here  ez  it  is  in 
all  excloosively  Dimekratik  communities  — the  grocery  keepers 
absorb  all  the  capital.  The  follerin  resolutions  were  past : 
Wareas,  Our  nashen  is  involved  in  a horrible,  fratrisidle  war, 
the  same  bein  unholy,  and  waged  solely  to  free  the  nigger  and 
enslave  the  white  man,  wich  is  therefore  our  duty  to  oppose 
the  same  ; therefore,  be  it 

Resolvd,  That  we  are  in  favor  uv  raisin  our  quota  by  vol- 
unteerin,  and  hereby  urge  the  same. 

Eesolvd,  That  we  consider  the  employment  uv  niggers,  ez 
soljers,  ez  not  only  justifiable,  but  highly  commendable. 

Resolvd,  That  a committee -be  appointed  to  sekoor  the  settle- 
ment uv  two  hundred  families  uv  niggers  in  this  township,  ex- 
cloosively for  volunteerin  purposes. 

The  resolooshens  wuz  past,  and  the  committees  appointed. 
The  very  next  day  we  heerd  uv  Vicksburg  and  Gettysburg. 
I to-wunst  blew  the  horn  and  got  my  flock  together,  told  em 
the  news,  and  offerd  the  followin  resolooshens : 

Wareas,  Our  beloved  country  is  involved  in  a bloody  v^ar 

against  rebels  and  traitors 

(A  old  man  interrupted  me,  say  in,  “ W-h-a-t  ? Pay  in  no  at- 

tenshen,  I proceeded.) 

And  in  sich  a crisis  the  dooty  uv  every  troo  citizen  is  to 
sustain  the  guverment ; therefore,  be  it 

Resolvdj  That  the  Dimokrasy  are,  ez  they  alluz  hev  bin,  in 
favor  uv  a viggerous  prosekooshen  uv  the  war. 

Resolvd,  That  our  confidence  in  the  great  Yallandigum  is  un- 
abated ; and,'  bleevin  him  to  be  the  only  actooal  war  man  in 
Ohio,  shel  give  him  our  harty  support. 

Resolvd,  That  the  reports  uv  troubles  in  Ohio  and  Ingeany 
is  lies,  got  up  to  deseeve  the  people. 

The  resolooshens  wuz  past,  tho  I hed  to  tell  em  twice  to 
vote  for  em.  We  immejitly  hunted  up  two  enrollin  orfisers, 
who  we  tarred  and  feathered  sum  weeks  ago,  jest  after  PTooker 
wuz  defeated  by  Lee  at  Chanslerville,  when  we  spozd  our 


78 


A FAST  DAY. 


Suthern  brethrin  wood  triumph,  and  giv  em  a public  dinner. 
Ef  all  the  leaders  of  the  Dimokrasy  were  ez  sagashus  ez  me, 
the  old  party  wood  hev  smooth  sailin.  Alas  ! how  few  hev  the 
gigantic  intellek  uv  Nasby ! 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Ckurchj  in  charge. 

XXIII. 

OBSERVES  A DAY  OF  FASTING. 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  > 
July  the  20th,  1863.  \ 

Yisterdy  wuz  set  apart  by  my  congregashen  ez  a day  uv 
fastin  and  humiliashen  for  our  misforchunes  at  Gettysberg,  and 
the  loss  uv  Port  Hudson  and  Yixburg.  I ishood  the  follerin 
direxshens  for  the  proper  observance  uv  the  fast,  to-wit : 

1.  Nip  before  breakfast  not  to  eckseed  two  jills. 

2.  For  breakfast  no  animil  food  permitted,  ceptin  ham  and 
eggs,  beef,  etc. 

3.  For  dinner,  ditto ; supper  same  ez  on  other  days. 

4.  Beer  to  be  taken  by  the  single  glass,  and  pretzels  to  be 
eaten  without  salt  on  em. 

5.  These  rules  to  be  void  in  the  case  uv  peopil  over  35,  and 
invalids,  who  may  hev  ther  sustainin  flooids  ez  usual; 

I preecht  frum  this  text : 0,  my  sole,  Avhy  art  thow  cast 

down  ? I told  em  we  wuz  cast  down  becoz  uv  Meed^s  whip- 
pin  Lee  ; becoz  uv  Grant’s  takin  Yixburg,  and  Banks’s  takin 
Port  Hudson.  That’s  what’s  the  matter  with  us.  That’s  what 
hez  cast  a shadder  over  our  countenansis,  and  changd  the  hue 
uv  our  noses  from  the  brilyant  crimson  to  the  gastly  bloo  ! 
The  flattrin  hopes  uv  a successful  invashen  uv  the  North  is 
dasht  — likewise  the  releef  uv  Yixburg ; and  now,  to  fill  our 
cup  uv  sorrer,  John  Morgan’s  command  is  destroyd.  But  still, 
my  frends,  ther  is  a silver  linin  to  evry  cloud.  There  is  wun 
ray  uv  hope  amid  all  this  gloom.  I allood  to  the  late  con- 


THE  CHURCH  SAFE. 


79 


stooslinal  deraonstrashens  in  Noo  York.  Ther  wiiz  a victory. 
The  draft-books  wuz  destroyed  and  the  draft  wuz  stopped. 
But  ther  wuz  a bigger  triumph  than  stoppin  the  draft.  Niggers 
wuz  killd  — the  prowd  Anglo-Saxon  riz  in  his  mite  and  stoned 
the  niggers  ! Halleloojy  ! At  this  pint  sum  uv  tlie  awjence 
becum  sleepy,  and  to  arowse  them  I becum  faseshus.  Why, 
sez  I,  wuz  the  Dimokrasy,  who  mauld  the  niggers  in  Noo  York, 
a most  energetic  and  perseverin  people  ? Becoz,  anserd  I, 
they  left  no  stone  unturned  to  effect  their  purpus.  The  ijee 
uv  interdoosin  conundrums  into  the  pulpit  is  originel  with  me. 
I closed  by  exhortin  uv  em  to  stand  firm.  Ef  we  kin  elect 
Yallandigum,  we  may  yet  check  the  Fedral  govment  in  its 
victorus  career.  With  Ohio  all  rite  for  constooshnal  rites,  the 
game  uv  subjoo^ashen  wood  be  playd  out.  Let  us,  sed  I, 
never  falter  nor  faint,  but  press  onnard  to  the  mark  uv  our 
high  callin.  Ez  the  Isrelites  threw  down ’the’ Avails  uv  Gerry ko 
by  bloAAun  rams’  horns,  so  kin  we  by  blowin  our  horns  throw 
doAvn  the  Avails  of  this  Abolishn  Gerryko.  BIoav  your  horns, 
my  brethrin ; for  whoso  bloAveth  not  his  OAvn  horn,  the  same 
shall  not  be  blown,  but  Avhoso  bloweth  his  OAvn  horn,  the  same 
shall  be  bloAvn  Avith  a muchness. 

We  took  a numerashen  uv  our  Church  Avith  a vieAV  to  the 
draft,  Avith  the  follerin  result : 


Hole  number  uv  male  members,  .....  200  ^ 

Over  45,  ........  50 

Under  18, 50 

Badly  rupcherd,  and  utlierwise  diseased,  . . 92 

Gone  to  Canady  to  visit  ther  uncles,  ...  8 

Total 200 


We  are  easy  in  our  minds  on  this  subjeck. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge* 


80 


THE  NASBY  LETTERS. 


XXIV. 

CONFESSION  OF  FAITH. 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  ? 

Orgust  the  31st,  1863.  \ 

We  hed  tlie  gloriusist  kind  uv  a season  yisterday.  The 
winders  wuz  opend,  and  a shower  uv  pure  Dimekratik  grace 
desendid  upon  us,  and  we  wuz  blest.  Glory  ! We  reseeved 
into  our  Zion  eighteen  young  men,  who  reseevd  the  faith  by 
inheritance,  ther  fathers  hevin  alluz  voted  the  strait  tickit. 
The  follerin  is  the  Confeshun  uv  Faith  to  which  they  sub- 
scribed : — 

Queshn.  — Dost  bleeve  that  Canaan  wuz*  doomd  to  bondage 
becoz  uv  Noer’s  gittin  tite ; that  Hayger  and  Onezimus  prove 
the  skriptoorality  of  the  fugitive-slave  law ; that,  taken  ez  a 
hull,  they  show  that  the  ketchin  uv  niggers  with  dorgs  is  com- 
mendible  and  evangelikle  ? 

Dost  bleeve  that  the  present  war  is  unconstooshnel  and  un- 
holy ; that  it  wuz  brot  on  by  the  Abolishnists  interferin  with 
slavery ; that  the  bombardment  uv  Sumter  wuz  rite,  tho 
hasty? 

Dost  bleeve  that  Linkin  is  a tyrant  and  usurper  ; that  he  hed 
no  ^ite  too  subjoogate  the  South  ; that  his  callin  out  troops 
Avaz  unconstooshnel ; and  that  everything  he  hez  dun,  since 
the  Avar  begun,  is  likewise  unconstooshnel  ? 

Dost  bleeve  that  Vallandigum  avuz  sent  into  the  Avorld  to 
save  the  Dimekratik  party  ; that  in  doin  it  he  wus  arestid  at 
Dayton,  tried  afore  Ponteus  Burnside,  and  sent  Sowth ; that, 
after  three  months,  he  riz  agen  in  Canady,  whence  he  shel  cum 
ez  soon  ez  he’s  electid  ? 

Dost  bleeve  that  the  central  committis  is  the  sole  dispenser 
uv  opinion,  and  Aviltest  thow  alluz  yawp  Aven  they  wink  ? 

Dost  bleeve  that  skratchin  a tikkit  is  the  onpardonable  sin  ? 

Dost  bleeve  that  this  Avar  avuz  got  up  to  free  niggers,  and 
that  to-day  Linkin  hez  seventy-five  thousand  niggers  in  the 
North,  a feedin  on  fride  oysters  and  hot  punch  ? 

Dost  bleeve  that  Lee  is  the  greatest  gineral  uv  the  age,  and 
that  all  reports  uv  Fedral  victries  is  lies  ? 


VISITS  VALLANDIGHAM. 


81 


Dost  bleeve  Ben  Butler’s  a beast,  and  Hamlin  a mnlatter  ? 

Wilt  pledge  yurself  to  uncompromisinly  oppose  yoor  sisters 
marrying  niggers,  no  matter  how  much  they  want  to  ? 

To  all  uv  these  questions  the  candidates  anserd,  I dost.’’ 
Bro.  Tuttle  extendid  the  rite  hand  uv  fellowship,  and,  after 
making  a -|-  to  their  names,  wich  I hed  previously  ritten  in 
our  church-book,  they  wuz  made  members  of  my  flock. 

The  coz  is  prosperin.  We  commense  a series  uv  revival 
meetins  next  week,  and  hev  made  extensiv  preparashens  there- 
for. Ten  barls  uv  new  whisky  and  twenty  barls  uv  beer  hev 
bin  pervided.  Ther  will  be  a outporin. 

Peteoleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sect  Churchy  in  charge. 


XXV. 

VISITS  VALLANDIGHAM. 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  I 
July  the  27th,  1863.  ) 

I HEV  jest  returned  from  a visit  to  our  persekootid  saint, 
Vallandigum.  The  marter  wuz  holdin  a resepshun  at  the  Clifton 
House  wen  I arrove.  He  caught  site  uv  me  ez  soon  ez  I en- 
tered the  room,  and  he  rusht  into  my  arms,  and  droopin  his 
head  onto  my  heavin  buzm,  wept  aloud. 

Marterd  saint ! ” sez  I,  with  a voice  tremulous  with  emo- 
shen. 

Sufferer  fer  truth  ! ” sez  he  ; and  then  this  trooly  grate  man 

Clement  L.  Vallandigham,  a Democratic  member  of  Congress  from  the 
Dayton  district  in  Ohio  for  a year  or  two  after  the  outbreak  of  the  war,  was 
tried  by  a court  martial,  and  convicted  of  aiding  and  abetting  the  treason  of 
the  rebels  of  the  South.  President  Lincoln  modified  the  sentence  of  the  court 
martial  so  as  to  pass  Mr.  V.  into  the  hands  of  the  rebels,  wliose  cause  he  was 
so  zealous  in  defending  in  Congress  and  on  the  stump.  Mr.  Vallandigham  was 
aided  by  the  Confederate  authorities  in  making  his  way  to  Canada,  where  a 
number  of  Confederate  emissaries  had  made  their  headquarters,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  forwarding  the  plans  of  the  Confederacy,  creating  disaffection  in  the 
North,  and  gathering  information  to  be  transmitted  to  the  Jeff  Davis  govern- 
6 


82 


THE  TWO  GREAT  MEN  OF  THE  AGE. 


whispered,  Jest  keep  in  this  posishn  a minnit  — the  artist  uv 
the  Noo  York  Illustratid  Flapdoodle  is  makin  a sketch  uv  us ; ” 
wich  we  did,  standin  locked  into  each  other^s  arms,  and  weepin 
profoosely  fer  15  minits.  It  wuz  exhaustin  and  tiresome,  but 
for  the  cause  1 endoord  it.  The  picter  will  appear  in  next 
week’s  Flapdoodle,  headed  The  Two  Grate  Minds  uv  the 
Age  ! Affectin  meeting  uv  Yallandigum  and  Nasby  ! ” The 
matter  akompanying  the  picter  will  be  written  by  Yallandigum 
and  myself — he  writin  wat  relates  to  hisself,  and  I v/at  relates 
to  myself.  We  kin  do  ourselves  justis. 

“ Nasby,”  says  the  great  C.  L.,  “ how  is  things  in  my  nativ 
state  ? ” 

Squally,”  sez  I. 

Wat  wuz  the  pervalin  sentiment  uv  the  people  as  to  my 
eggsile  ? ” 

“ They  wuz  extremely  glad  uv  it.” 

The  akount  uv  my  prostrashen  — my  untold  suffrins,  et 
settry,  wich  I hed  publisht  in  the  papers ; did  that  not  alfect 
them  ? ” 

“ Yes  ; they  laft.” 

Did  not  the  affectin  akount  uv  the  wife  uv  my  buzm  and 
my  cherub  babes  a jinin  me  here,  to  share  my  lonely  eggsile, 
move  em  ? ” 

“ Nary  move.” 

Nasby,  the  peeple  is  stun.  But  I’ll  fetch  em.  ^ Nil  des- 
pritrando  ’ is ' my  motto  I must  be  guvner,  fer  how  else  kin 
w’e  prevent  the  subjugashen  uv  the  Dimekratik  staits  ? Elect 
me,  and  ther’ll  be  no  trouble  about  drafts,  onless  ^ve  shood  git 
involved  in  a war  with  the  United  States.  The  Confederacy 
wood  be  recognized,  Ohio  wood  go  with  the  South,  and  slavery 
wood  be  interdoost,  and  ez  we  woodent  hev  any  further  use 


merit.  Tliere  was  a great  .attempt  made  to  excite  sympathy  for  Vallandigliam 
as  a martyr  for  tlie  cause  of  political  liberty  and  free  speech.  But,  as  Mr. 
Nasby  admits,  the  attempt  was  a very  decided  and  laughable  failure.  On  the 
plea  of  suffering  for  free  thought  and  free  speech,  he  ran  for  Governor  of  Ohio 
in  1863,  but  was  defeated  by  the  largest  majority  that  ever  overwhelmed  an  un- 
fortunate or  unprincipled  politician.  So  manifest  were  his  traitorous  purposes 
that  patriotic  Democrats  by  tliousands  refused  to  vote  for  him,  and  the  “ long 
laugh  of  a world’s  derision  ” followed  the  appeal  of  the  “ martyred  Vallan- 
digham  ” for  support  and  sympathy. 


CONYEESES  WITH  A BROTHER. 


83 


fer  em,  poor  men  woodent  be  allo^ved  to  vote,  making  me  per- 
petooal  guvner.  Nasby,  we  must  succeed.’’ 

Certainly.  But  we’re  in  a tite  place.  Our  speekers  is  em- 
barist.  It  takes  a gigantik  intellek  to  bring  the  pints  together. 
A spritely  boy  wunst  put  200  eggs  in  a nest  for  a hen  to  set 
on.  Sez  his  maternal  mother : 

^ My  son,  why  puttist  thou  so  many  eggs  under  the  hen  ? 
She  canst  not  kiver  em.’ 

^ Certinly  she  canst  not ; but,  thunder  ! I want  to  see  her 
spread  herself.’ 

^^Jest  so.  Our  speakers  is  in  the  same  fix.  The  outside 
egg  in  the  Dimekratik  nest  is  opposition  to  the  war.  Tother 
side  uv  the  nest,  200  eggs  distant,  is  the  support  uv  the  war. 
To  kiver  em  all  requires  great  stretchin  capacity.” 

“ Troo,  too  troo.  But  we  must  mix  it,  and  trust  to  luck.  In 
loyal  counties,  stufi*  em  with  dilooted  patriotism  ; in  our  coun- 
ties, pure  secesh.  The  people  is  jest  ez  gullible  now  ez  ever 
they  wuz.” 

I left  the  patriot  and  sage  much  comforted. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


XXVI. 

CONYEESES  WITH  A BROTHER. 

Church  uy  St.  Vallandigum,  ■) 
Wingert’s  Corners,  Orgust  the  9th,  1863.  ) 

I HED  a brother  who  left  his  paternal  roof,  in  1849,  for  the 
purpus  uv  makin  a fortin  a follerin  the  briny  deep.  He  didn’t 
make  a fortin,  however,  makin  fortins  bein  a thing  fer  wich  the 
Nasby  family  is  not  celebratid.  He  had  bin  absent  all  uv  the 

From  1842  until  1848  the  Liberty  party,  which  represented  the  more 
zealous  anti-slavery  sentiment  of  the  Northern  States,  gathered  considerable 
strength;  in  many  cases  drawing  off  a sufficient  number  of  votes  from  the 
party  in  the  majority  to  give  the  victory  to  the  party  before  in  the  minority. 
In  Ohio  the  greater  number  of  the  anti-slavery  voters  were  from  the  Whig 


84 


WHAT  WAS  AND  WHAT  IS. 


time,  and  bed  heard  never  a word  frum  his  native  land.  He 
went  frum  this  county,  and  wen  he  landid  at  Noo  York,  he 
cum  strate  to  this  place.  I reseeved  him  with  open  arms. 

Josef,’’  sez  I,  do  yoo  still  remane  troo  to  the  Dimekratik 
faith  ? ” 

Petroleum,”  sez  he,  I do.  Ez  wuz  resolved  in  our  con- 
venshun  the  year  afore  I startid,  I bleeve  that  slavery  is  a evil, 
and  that  the  Dimokrasy  uv  Ohio  shood  use  all  constooshnel 
means  to  mittigait  and  finally  eraddicait  it,  and — ” 

Hold,”  sez  I ; times  is  changed.  The  Dimokrasy  now  look 
upon  slavery  ez  a blessin ; but  go  on.” 

“ I bleeve,”  resoomed  he,  that  the  settlin  uv  the  question 
uv  slavery  by  the  Missory  Compermise  wuz  rite ; and  — ” 

Hold  on,”  sez  I ; we  repealed  the  Compermise.” 

I bleeve,”  retorted  he,  feebly,  that  slavery  is  the  creecher 

party,  which  fact  gave  the  Democratic  party  the  control  of  the  state.  In  1848, 
however,  the  question  of  the  extension  of  slavery  into  the  territories  acquired 
by  conquest  and  treaty  with  Mexico,  drew  great  numbers  from  the  Democratic 
party,  and  developed  a strong  anti-slavery  feeling  in  the  Democratic  party.  In 
that  year  the  “Barnburner”  Democrats  of  New  York  openly  went  into  the 
“ Free  Soil”  movement.  In  the  West  this  movement  became  so  formidable  that 
the  managers  of  the  Democracy  became  convinced  that  they  must  conciliate 
this  anti-slavery  element,  or  go  into  utter  defeat.  Accordingly  at  a State  Con- 
vention in  Ohio,  in  1849,  a resolution  was  passed  declaring  that  “ slavery  was 
an  evil,  and  that  the  government  should  use  all  constitutional  and  proper  means 
to  mitigate,  and  finally  to  eradicate  it.”  Subsequently,  when  the  southern 
Democracy  demanded  the  repeal  of  the  Missouri  Compromise,  a large  portion 
of  the  Democracy  rose  in  resistance  to  that  outrageous  breach  of  faith.  All 
through  its  history  the  chief  claim  of  the  Democracy  to  public  confidence  was 
its  supreme  and  unfaltering  devotion  to  the  “ Union,”  against  all  attempts  at 
revolution  or  secession.  Thus  on  all  these  points  it  made  an  indelible  record. 
The  stern  behests  of  the  slave  power  compelled  that  party  to  give  up,  one  by 
one,  all  its  loud  professions  in  favor  of  these  principles.  Those  who  adhered 
to  that  party  were  compelled  to  give  up  the  Missouri  Compromise  for  “ Popu- 
lar Sovereignty,”  and  afterwards  to  yield  “ Popular  Sovereignty  ” for  the  doc- 
trine that  the  Constitution  carried  per  force  the  institution  of  slavery  into  all 
the  territories  in  which  state  governments  had  not  been  established,  and  in  all 
states  in  which  it  was  not  prohibited  by  positive  legislation.  Finally,  when  the 
rebels  struck  at  the  “Union  ” itself,  under  the  lead  of  Wood,  Vallandigham, 
et  al.,  that  party  practically  ranged  itself  against  the  efforts  of  a faithful  ad- 
ministration to  preserve  the  Union.  Nasby’s  brother  Joseph,  Avho  had  been 
exiled  during  the  period  of  eventful  changes  in  the  fortunes  and  principles  of 
the  Democracy,  finds  that  the  “Democracy”  he  left  in  Ohio,  in  1849,  was  a 
very  different  thing  from  what  he  found  passing  under  that  name  in  18G3. 


JOSEPH’S  CONCLUSION. 


85 


iiv  lokle  legislashen,  and  shood  be  exclooded  from  the  territo- 
ries ; and  — ” 

, Stiddy,”  sez  I ; the  Dimokrasy  is  in  favor  nv  extendin  it 
all  over  the  territories.” 

‘‘Well,”  sez  Josef,  sez  he,  “Pm  for  the  Union,  wun  and 
indivisable  ; that’s  Dimokrasy  — aint  it  ? ” 

“ Yes,”  sez  I,  “ with  sevral  ifs  and  much  buts.  We  are  jest 
now,  ez  a party,  in  gaged  in  the  deliteful  work  uv  splittin  up  the 
old  Union  into  four  parts,  as  per  Vallandigum.  Josef,  yoor 
behint  the  age.  You  see,  Josef,  we  wuz  for  the  Union,  wun 
and  indivizable,  jest  so  long  ez  the  Dimokrasy,  wich  wuz 
mostly  located  Sowdh,  hed  control  uv  sed  Union.  In  them 
days  Noo  England  wuz  under.  Then  things  changd.  Noo 
England  spred  over  the  West,  and  ther  wuz  danger  uv  loosin 
the  controle.  To  check  em,  w^e  commenst  legislatin ; fustly 
repeelin  the  Compermise,  so  they  mite  take  niggers  ther,  if 
they  cood  git  in  fast  enuff.  That  was  a failoor.  Then  we 
decided  that  the  constooshn  pertected  slavery,  and  that  it  cood 
go  ther  anyhow.  Still  Noo  England  beet  us,  electin  a Abolishn 
President,  and  we  bolted,  so  that  we  cood  git  shot  uv  New 
England.  And  that’s  wat  the  war’s  about.”  ^ 

Sez  Josef,  sez  he,  “ Petroleum,  to  me  it  doth  seem  that 
all  that’s  left  uv  the  Dimokrasy,  to  which  I wunst  belongd, 
is  the  name.” 

To  which  I sentenshusly  replide,  “ It  air.” 

Sez  Josef,  sez  he,  “ Petroleum,  I can’t  git  it  thro  me.  Ef  I 
hed  staid  at  home,  perhaps  I mite  hev  took  these  changes 
down,  wun  at  a time,  but  at  wun  dose  it’s  to  much.  Therefore, 
Petroleum  V.,  consider  me  owt.  The  old  flag’s  good  enuff  for 
me,  I thank  you,  and  Androo  Jaxson  wuz  about  the  style  uv  a 
Dimekrat,  you  mite  bet  yer  bottom  dollar  on.  I repoodiate  the 
hull  on’t.  I don’t  like  egg-shells,  nor  nuthin  wat  aint  got  no 
meet  into  it ; by  wich  strikin  mettyfor  I mean  to  say  that  a 
party  that  hez  dispozd  uv  its  principples,  and  lives  on  a empty 
name,  aint  the  assosiashen  for  any  body  but  a low  grade  uv 
ijeots,  and  a high  grade  uv  scoundrels,  sech  ez  would  garrote 
the  Goddis  uv  Liberty  fer  the  white  cotton  nite  gown  she  is 
piktorielly  represented  ez  wearin.  Petroleum  Y.,  adoo.” 


86 


PREACHES  — SUBJECT,  GIVIN/' 


The  next  day  he  enlistid.  I saw  him  depart  with  a bloo  kote 
on.  Ez  he  haddent  a dollar  that  I cood  borrer,  I wuz  rejoist  to 
see  him  go. 

Kespectively, 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 

— 

XXVII. 

PREACHES  — SUBJECT,  GIYIN.’^ 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  ) 
September  the  21st,  1863.  ) 

I PREECHED  yisterday  frnm  this  text:  ^^Yerily  I say  unto 
yoo,  It  is  more  blesseder  to  give  than  to  reseeve.^’ — Joab 
xvii:  313  to  ’21,  incloosiv. 

The  inspird  riter  hed,  no  dout,  the  Himerkratik  party  in  his 
mind’s  eye,  wen  he  rit  them  words  uv  wisdom.  Experence 
hez  shode  the  trooth  uv  them  sentence,  and  ef  it  hadent,  you’d 
be  bound  to  bleeve  it,  coz  I,  your  paster,  sez  so,  wich  is 
Dimokrasy.  To  illustrait,  we  shell  inquire : 

1.  Wat  is  givin  ? 

Givin  is  givin,  wich  is  suffishently  clear  explanashen  fer  all 
practikle  perpuses. 

2.  Wen  sliood  we  giv? 

We  must  giv  alluz,  for  it  is  more  blessider  to  giv  than  to 
reseeve.  The  Dimokrasy  hez  alluz  bin  scriptooral  in  this 
partikeler.  Wen  the  Sowth  wantid  Misoory,  we  giv  it.  Wen 
she  wantid  a fugitiv-slave  law,  we  giv  it.  Wen  she  wantid 
Texas,  and  Kansas,  and  Nebrasky,  we  giv  it  — halleloogy  ! 
Wen  she  wantid  Bookannon,  we  giv  it ; and  wen  she  demandid 
Duglasses  hed,  we  giv  it,  fer  it  is  more  blessider  to  give  than  it 
is  to  reseeve. 

3.  Why  shood  we  give  ? 

Becoz  it  pays.  So  long  es  the  Dimokrasy  hed  the  power  uv 
givin,  all  wuz  well.  The  Sowth,  hevin  all  it  wanted,  wuz 
contentid,  and  evrything  went  on  smooth  and  plesant  like. 
Nacher  intended  em  to  rool,  and  us  uns  to  serve,  and  we  wuz 


THE  GREAT  LESSON. 


87 


satisfide,  and  so  wuz  they.  Such  offisis  ez  wuz  beneath  em 
they  tost  to  us,  and  all  wuz  peece.  It  wuz  normel. 

4.  Wat  hez  bin  the  consekencis  uv  not  givin? 

My  frens,  seest  thou  yon  post-orifise  ? A Abolishnist  sets 
there.  And  woe  is  us  ! the  places  we  onct  did  fill,  all  ore  the 
land,  we  fill  no  more.  And  wuss.  Ther  is  war;  the  North  hez 
rebeld  aginst  the  Dimokrasy,  and  to-day  yoor  sons  is  being 
dragged  to  the  tented  feeld,  to  be  offered  up  a sakrifis  to  the  fell 
sperit  uv  not  givin.’’  0,  my  frens,  we  stumbled  ourselves. 
We  faild  to  giv  wunst,  and  that  failure  wuz  fatal.  Wen  we  in  our 
pride  defide  the  Sowth  at  Charleston,  we  sinned,  and  are  now 
payin  for  it.  0,  hed  we  all  yoonited  in  , givin,  then  — hed  we. 
follered  presedent,  and  got  down  into  the  dust  — then  all  wood 
hev  bin  well. 

We  dedooce  from  the  foregoin  the  follerin  grate  trooth, 
to-wit,  viz. : Sufferin  alluz  toilers  sin.  Nether  duz  the  sinner 
git  the  price  uv  his  sin.  The  demon  uv  Abolishnism,  or  Not 
Givin,  wich  is  sinonymus,  held  afore  the  eyes  of  Duglis  the 
dazzlin  prospek  uv  Northrin  votes.  But  lo  ! wen  Duglis  hed 
took  the  fatal  step,  the  votes  wuz  Linkin’s,  and  the  post-orfises 
wuz  Linkin’s,  and  the  Dimokrasy  supped  on  sorrer  and  break- 
fasted on  woe. 

Ther  is,  my  brethren,  a heavy  cuss  on  Not  Givin.  Wo  unto 
yoo  for  a stiff-necked  and  rebelyus  people.”  (Abiram  31,  5, 
xlp.)  In  the  original  Booshen  it  is  stiff-backt  ” instid  uv 

stiff-neckt,”  wich  makes  it  mene  Massachoosetts.  They  wood 
never  bend  a inch ; they  hed  no  limbernis,  and  with  head  up, 
instid  uv  down  — with  backs  strate,  instid  uv  curved — they 
insisted  on  bein  men  ez  well  ez  Yirginny,  thus  forcin  the  Sowth 
to  take  up  arms  to  bend  em  into  their  nateral  posishen. 

My  frens,  this  war  is  a effort  on  the  part  uv  the  Sowth  to 
put  down  these  rebels  aginst  the  grate  principle  uv  Givin. 
That’s  all  they  want,  and  wen  they  git  it  they’ll  stop,  I 
make  no  doubt.  Then,  brethrin,  let  us  pray  for  their  suc- 
cess— let  us  imitate  our  martyred  saint,  Yallandigum,  who  is  a 
exil  far  away,  and,  to  the  extent  uv  our  ability,  further  the 
grate  coz.  Let  Noo  Ingland  be  got  under  ; Sumner,  and  Wade, 
and  Giddins,  and  Oin  Luvgoy  hung;  the  grate  Davis  President, 
with  Fernandywood  and  Yallandigum  in  his  Cabynit ; then 


88 


ELECTIONEERING  IN  A CAMP, 

will  ther  be  for  us  peece,  and  harmony,  and  good-will,  and 
post-orfises.  Let  wat  1 hev  sed  sink  deep  in  yoor  harts. 
Wen  the  contribooshen  box  cums  around,  remember  that  it 
is  more  blesseder  to  give  than  to  reseeve.^’  So  mote  it  be. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Cliurclij  in  charge. 


XXVIII. 

VISITS  CAMP  DENNISON  TO  ELECTIONEER  FOR 
YALLANDIGHAM. 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  > 
October  the  1st, 1863.  ) 

Feelin  it  a sacred  dooty  I owed  the  coz  uv  Dimokrasy  and 
free  speech  (on  awl  subgeks  not  interferin  with  Dimokrasy  ez 
it  hez  bin,  ez  it  is,  or  ez  it  may  be),  I visited  Camp  Dennyson, 
wich  is  named  after  a Abolishnist,  to  use  my  stentorin  voice 
for  Yallandigum  among  the  paroled  prizners.  It  wuz  a bammy 
mornin  in  September  wen  I arriv,  and  procooring  admishen,  I 
set  to  work  to-wunst.  Noticin  a couple  uv  dozen  uv  em  a 
playin  poker  — one  cent  anty  — I judged  by  a instink  I hev 
that  ther  wuz  a good  field  for  sowin  Dimekratik  seed.  Ad- 
vancin,  I sed,  — 

“ My  frends  ! 

Wat,^’  said  wun  uv  em,  takin  advantage  uv  the  interrupshen 
to  slip  a ace  or  two  up  his  coat  sleeve. 

My  trends,’^  sed  I,  I cum  to  yoo  ez  a possel  uv  peece,  and 
a umble  advokate  uv  Dimokrasy,  and  that  persookootid  angil, 
Yallandigum — - 

This  letter  sets  forth,  as  old  soldiers  well  remember,  the  reception  which 
the  “boys  in  blue”  were  wont  to  give  to  those  who  were  suspected  of  any 
complicity  with  the  cause  of  the  rebellion  whicli  they  were  called  away 
from  their  homes  to  help  to  subdue.  Against  northern  traitors  the  feeling  was 
especially  bitter,  and  when  one  was  discovered  in  camp,  the  feeling  of  the  sol- 
diers was  expressed  often  in  a style  very  similar  to  that  here  described. 


AND  ITS  DISAGREEABLE  RESULT. 


89 


Five  aces,  Jimnel/^  sed  the  person  who  fust  sed  “Wat” 
to  me.  “ I take  the  pile,  coz  yoo  cant  beet  five  aces ; ” and, 
sweepin  the  money,  he  remarkt  to  me,  “ Now,  parson,  wat  did 
yoo  say  ? ” 

I cum,”  sez  I,  “in  behalf  uv  the  outraged  Yallandigum, 
who  is  a exile  far  away.” 

I found  that  the  sile  uv  Camp  Denny  son  wuz  alogether  too 
stony  to  maik  preeching  for  Yallandigum  and  free  speech  very 
pleasant,  for  no  sooner  hed  the  words  left  my  lips,  than  a 
shower  uv  stuns  assailed  me ; wun,  that  felt  ez  tho  it  wayd  a 
tun,  prostrated  me.  A seriz  uv  outrages  wuz  then  perpetrated, 
wich  beggars  deskripshun.  I wuz  peltid  with  offensive  eggs, 
and  rotten  cabbage,  and  decayd  pertaters ; in  fact,  at  wun  time 
the  air  wuz  so  full  uv  eggs,  that  I might  hev  thot,  hed  I ben 
poetikle,  that  the  blessid  sun  wuz  a mammoth  hen,  badly  dis- 
eased, and  a layin  rotten  eggs  a milliun  a minnit.  Finally,  wun 
uv  em  sez,  “ Boys,  we  aint  the  prizners  this  feller ’s  after. 
Johnson’s  Island’s  wher  he  wants  to  go  to  find  his  trends.” 

“ Yes,”  sed  another,  “ and  to  git  there  yoo  go  by  water  ! ” 
Whereupon,  these  fiends  seezed  me,  and  dragged  me  thro  a 
hoss-trofif  fifteen  er  a hundred  times.  Then  they  pourd  cole  ile 
over  me,  and  wuz  a goin  to  set  it  afire  to  dry  me,  ez  they  sed, 
but  1 broke  and  fled,  pursood  by  one  thousand  uv  these  infoori- 
atid  demons.  I finally  escaped,  by  passin  myself  orf  ez  Horris 
Greely  on  to  a party  uv  em  who  stopt  me. 

I am  at  present  confind  to  my  bed. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churclij  in  charge. 


90 


MUCH  TEOUBLE. 


XXIX. 

WAILETH. 

Church  uv  St.  Vallandigum,  ) 
October  the  14th,  1863.  ) 

I^M  sad  — and  sick.  My  lied  is  a fountain  uv  teers,  and 
mine  eyes  distil  dilootid  corn-joose.  My  hart  is  lead,  and  my 
sole  is  pot-bellied  with  greet*  My  lims  ake  with  woe,  my 
manly  form  is  bowd,  and  my  venrable  lox  is  turned  white.  0, 
Vallandigum,  thou  hast  gone  to  the  grave,  and  in  the  same 
toom  is  berrid  all  my  hopes.  Adoo,  vane  world,  adoo  ! Idl  be 
a nunnery. 

The  fate  uv  the  peeple  uv  Ohio  is  seeld.  Vallandigum  is  not 
only  a exile  far  away,  but  there  is  a cheerful  prospek,  wich  is 
daily  improvin,  uv  his  continnerin  in  the  exile  biznis  fer  an  in- 
detfynit  period  uv  time.  A tyrannikle  President  hez  taken  our 
old  habis  corpusses  from  us,  and  persistently  refuses  to  furnish 
us  new  wuns ; and  the  people,  hevin  acquiest  by  their  votes, 
we  lay  bound  hand  and  foot.  Men  fleein  from  conskripshen, 
and  sich,  kin  be  seezed  and  dragged  into  slavery;  cavalry, 
drest  in  odjus  bloo,  hez  licence  to  hunt  the  pantin  fugitive, 
who,  after  drawin  his  bounty  and  pay,  changis  his  mind,  and 


The  Ohio  gubernatorial  election,  in  1863,  was  one  of  the  most  exciting  and 
hotly-contested  of  any  ever  held  in  the  State  or  in  the  country.  With  the  Re- 
publican ranks  depleted  by  the  enlistment  into  the  army  of  vast  numbers  of  the 
members  of  that  party,  and  no  provision  for  taking  the  vote  of  soldiers  in  the 
field,  the  Democracy  had  carried  its  state  ticket  in  1862.  There  was  no  legis- 
lature elected  that  year.  This  victory  was  claimed  as  evidence  of  a reaction 
against  the  war  for  the  Union.  The  banishment  of  C.  L.  Vallandigham  for 
stirring  up  treason,  was  the  occasion  for  a strong  appeal  to  the  sympathy  of 
the  soft-souled  and  extremely  sympathetic,  and  he  was  brought  out  as  the  can- 
didate of  the  Democracy  for  the  office  of  governor.  This  course  aroused  all 
the  energy  of  loyal  men.  John  Brough,  a Democrat  of  the  olden  time,  was 
nominated  as  the  Union  Republican  candidate.  He  was  an  eloquent  and 
forcible  reasoner,  and  perfectly  familiar  with  the  history  of  the  politics  of  the 
state  and  of  the  country.  He  entered  into  the  canvass  with  great  energy,  and 
received  strong  assistance  from  the  most  eloquent  and  patriotic  men  of  the 
country.  The  legislature  passed  an  act  providing  for  taking  the  votes  of  sol- 
diers in  the  field,  and  Brough  was  elected  by  a majority  of  over  one  hundred 
thousand. 


AN  ATTEMPT  AT  SUICIDE. 


91 


desires  to  return  to  the  buzum  uv  his  family,  and  the  shootin 
uv  enrollin  orfisers  and  tax  assessors  will  now  be  considered 
a crime.  Alas ! 

The  news  affectid  me  variously.  I hed  our  township  all 
fixt,  hevin  distribitid  tikkits,  and  knowin  none  of  uv  em  cood 
skratch  em,  ez  they  don’t  rite  enny,  I reseevd  the  returns 
with  a gratifide  smile.  Bless  you,  my  children ! you  hev 
done  nobly,”  sez  I.  Presently  a currier  arrivd,  bringin  the 
disturbin  intellygens  that  the  northern  countis  give  Bruff  thirty 
thousand,  and  two  minnits  thereafter  another  arrivd,  statin  that 
the  suthrin  countis  had  got  loonatik  and  given  Bruff  thirty-five 
thousand.  With  a hart-rendin  and  sole-tarin  shreek,  1 fell  a 
inannymait  corps  on  the  flore.  ...  I awoke.  An  odor 
uv  suthin  natrel  filled  the  room,  givin  me  life  agin.  It  wuz 
whisky.  The  worthy  woman  at  whose  house  1 board,  hed  bin 
rubbin  the  soles  uv  my  feet  with  a jug,  and  givin  me  small 
doses  uv  the  restorer  thro  a funnel.  Her  exershens  restord 
me  to  life  again.  I presume  the  fact  uv  my  owin  six  months 
board  did  not  nerve  her  frajile  arm.  It  wuz  revrence. 

Despondent  and  weery  uv  life,  I attempted  sooiside.  I mixt 
my  licker  fer  a day ; I red  a entire  number  uv  the  Crisis ; I 
peroozed  Cotton  is  King,”  Pulpit  Pollytiks,”  and  ‘‘Vallan- 
digum’s  Record,”  but  all  in  vane.  Ez  a last  desprit  resource, 
I attemptid  to  pizon  myself  by  drinkin  water,  but  that  failed 
me.  My  stumick  rejected  it  — I vomited. 

I am  to  much  prosterated  to  offer  either  advice  or  consola- 
shen  to  my  Dimekratick  friends.  We  air  in  a stait  uv  abgect 
cussitude.  To  see  Waid,  and  Chase,  and  Gin  Luvgoy,  and  that 
3-ply  Abolishnist,  Horris  Greely,  feelin  good,  is  prusic  acid 
and  stricknine  to  us.  I shell  seek  releef  from  my  sorrers  in 
the  floin  bole. 


Petroleum  Y.  Nasby. 


92 


A DEMOCRATIC  PROPAGANDIST. 


XXX. 

IN  THE  ^^APOSSEL  BIZNIS.’^ 

October  the  6th  1863. 

The  sole  uv  Nasby’s  foot  knows  no  rest.  Eternal  viggilence 
is  the  price  uv  liberty,  and  a old  Dimekrat  who  hez  never 
skratched  a tikkit,  and  who  never  spiles  his  likker  by  dilooshn, 
kin  work  in  these  perilus  times.  I am  engaged  in  organizin 
societies  on  the  basis  uv  the  Union  ez  it  wuz,  the  Constitution 
ez  it  is,  and  the  nigger  wher  he  ought  to  be.  This  employ- 
ment soots  me.  The  apossel  biznis  I like.  Brot  into  continool 
contack  with  the  best  uv  Dimekrats,  I hev  the  run  uv  a thow- 
sand  jugs  — pay  regler  and  libral  — facilities  for  borrerin  un- 
ekalled  — I am  kontent.  I send  a few  extrax  from  my  journal. 

Mundy,  2d.  — Kum  into  Whartensberg  afoot.  Wuz  reseevd 
with  enthooziasm,  invited  to  drink  twenty  times  in  ez  menny 
minits,  wich  invitashens  I acceptid,  solely  for  the  good  uv  the 
coz.  Hevin  cast-iron  bowils,  I survived  the  trial.  Hed  a 
meetin,  and  adminsterd  the  oaths  to  resist  drafts  and  shelterin 
deserters ; and  after  exhortin  uv  them  to  stand  by  Dimokrasy, 
borrered  thirty  dolers  and  a clean  shirt,  and  departid.  [Pos- 
krip.  — The  clean  shirt  I borrered  frum  a line  about  9 P.  M.] 
Toosdy,  3d.  — Houktown  wuz  the  next  pint.  Dimokrasy  all 
rite  to  opperate  on.  Never  wuz  in  a place  in  wich  nigger  wus 
so  hated  and  feerd.  They  hev  a holesum  prejoodis  agin  every 
thing  black.  Wun  old  patriark  shot  all  his  black  sheep,  paintid 
a black  boss  red,  and  his  dawter,  a gushin  maiden  uv  thirty- 
too,  askt  the  objik  uv  her  affeckshins  too  dy  his  raven  locks 
white.  A rumor  that  a provo  marshel  wuz  in  the  visinity  did 
the  job  for  him  in  a single  nite.  Found  em  well  organizd. 
Addrest  em  at  length,  showin  conclusivly  that  hed  Linkin  re- 
sined  in  favor  uv  the  great  Davis,  we  shood  never  hed  this 
war;  that  sich  a compermise,  and  the  follerin  concessions, 
wood  hev  averted  blud-shed,  to-wit : — 

The  rite  uv  suffrage  to  be  held  only  by  slave-owners,  and 
sich  ez  they  may  designate.  The  repele  uv  awl  tariffs  ceptin 
the  wun  on  sugar.  The  fillin  up  uv  Boston  harber.  The 


AN  INTERVIEW  WITH  LINCOLN. 


93 


suppreshun  iiv  the  Triboon.  The  hangin  uv  Giddins,  Wade, 
Stevens,  Snmner,  and  Gin  Luvgoy. 

I dwelt  at  length  on  the  horrors  nv  amalgamashen,  and 
closed  with  an  elokent  appele  to  stand  by  Yallandigum  and 
pure  Dimokrasy.  Borrered  three  dolers  on  a prommis  to  re- 
mit, wich  I shel  do  sum  time  after  next  Presidenshel  eleckshin. 
I made  the  wictim  eazy  by  givin  him  my  note.  When  men 
can  be  made  comfortable  by  simply  a note,  I alluz  do  it,  if 
they  furnish  paper.  Benevolens  is  a prominent  trate  in  my 
karicter. 

Wensdy,  4th.  — Yan  Buren  wuz  my  next  pint.  The  Dimok- 
rasy here  hav  their  lamps  trimd  and  burnin.  They  indoost 
more  soljers  to  desert  than  any  township  in  the  county,  ceptin 
Amandy  and  Union.  I organized  a branch  society  to-wunst. 
A blessid  feelin  pervades  here.  They  jest  more  than  hate 
niggers,  and  mor’n  twenty  babies  hev  bin  named  Yallandigum 
within  six  months.  One  enthoosiastic  old  butternut  named  a 
femail  infant  Yallandighamia,  and  another  named  his  boy  Yal- 
landigum Woods  Bright.  The  boy  hez  a strong  constitooshn, 
and  may  live.  Things  is  workin  in  Allen.  I borrered  only 
eight  dollers  uv  the  fatheful,  wich  I shel  pay  wen  one  of  my 
rich  uncles  pegs  out. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

' Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge, 

XXXI. 

HAS  AN  INTERYIEW  WITH  THE  PRESIDENT. 

Church  uv  St.  , > 

November  the  1st,  1863.  \ 

I FELT  it  my  dooty  to  visit  Washinton.  The  miserable  con- 
dishon  the  Dimokrasy  find  themselves  into,  since  the  elecshen, 
makes  it  necessary  that  suthin  be  did,  and  therefore  I de- 
termined to  see  wat  cood  be  effectid  by  a persnel  intervew 
with  the  President. 


94 


WHAT  THE  DEMOCRACY  WANTED. 


Interdoosin  myself,  I opened  upon  him  delikitly,  thus : — 

Linking’  sez  I,  ez  a Dimekrat,  a free-born  Dimekrat,  who 
is  prepared  to  die  with  neetnis  and  dispatch,  and  on  short  notis, 
for  the  inalienable  rite  uv  free  speech  — knowin  also  that  you 
er  a goriller,  a feendish  ape,  a thirster  after  blud,  I speek.” 

Speek  on,’’  says  he. 

^^1  am  a Ohio  Dimekrat,”  sez  I,  ^‘  who  hez  repoodiatid  Yal- 
landigum.” 

Before  or  since  the  elecshin  did  yoo  repoodiate  him  ? ” 
sez  he. 

Since,”  retortid  I. 

I thot  so,”  sed  he.  I would  hev  dun  it,  too,  hed  I bin 
you,”  continnered  lie,  with  a goriller-like  grin. 

We  air  now  in  favor  uv  a viggerus  prosecushen  uv  the  war, 
and  we  want  you  to  so  alter  yoor  policy  that  we  kin  act  with 
you  corjelly,”  sez  I. 

Say  on,”  sez  he. 

I Avill.  We  don’t  want  yoo  to  change  yoor  policy  materi- 
ally. We  are  modrit.  Anxshus  to  support  yoo,  we  ask  yoo  to 
adopt  the  follerin  trifling  changis  : — 

Restore  to  us  our  habis  corpusses,  as  good  ez  new.  Arrest 
no  more  men,  wimmin,  and  children  for  opinyun’s  saik.  Re- 
pele  the  ojus  confisticashen  bill,  wich  irritaits  the  Suthern 
mind  and  fires  the  Suthern  hart.  Do  away  with  drafts  and 
conskripshens.  Revoke  the  Emansipashen  Proclamashen,  and 
give  bonds  that  you’ll  never  ishoo  another.  Do  away  with 
treasury  noats  and  sich,  and  pay  nuthin  but  gold.  Protect 
our  dawters  from  nigger  equality.  Disarm  yoor  nigger  soljers, 
and  send  back  the  niggers  to  their  owners,  to  conciliate  them. 
Offer  to  assoom  the  war  indetednis  uv  the  South,  and  pledge 
the  guvernment  to  remoonerate  our  Suthern  brethren  for  the 
losses  they  hev  sustaned  in  this  onnatrel  war.  Call  a conven- 
shen  uv  Suthern  men  and  sech  gileless  Northern  men  ez  F. 
Peerce,  J.  Bookannun,  Fernandywood,  and  myself,  to  agree 
upon  the  terms  uv  reunion.” 

Is  that  all  ? ” sez  the  goriller. 

No,”  says  I,  promptly.  Ez  a garantee  uv  good  faith  to 
us,  we  shel  insist  that  the  best  half  uv  the  orifises  be  given  to 
Dimekrats  who  repoodiate  Yallandigum.  Do  this,  Linkin,  and 


MR.  LINCOLN’S  ANSWER. 


95 


yoo  throw  lard  ile  on  the  troubled  waters.  Do  this,  and  yoo 
rally  to  yoor  support  thowsends  uv  noble  Dimokrats  who  went 
out  uv  offis  with  Bookannon,  and  hev  bin  gittin  ther  whisky  on 
tick  ever  sinse.  We  hev  made  sakrifises.  We  hev  repoodiatid 
Yallandigum,  — we  care  not  ef  he  rots  in  Canady  ; we  are  willin 
to  jine  the  war  party,  reservin  to  ourselvs  the  poor  privilidge 
uv  dictatin  how  and  on  wat  principles  it  shel  be  carried  on. 
Linkin  ! Goriller  ! Ape  ! I hev  dun.” 

The  President  replide  that  he  would  give  the  matter  serious 
considerashen.  He  wood  menshen  the  idee  uv  resinin  to 
Seward,  Chase,  and  Blair,  and  wood  address  a circular  to  the 
postmasters,  et  settry,  and  see  how  menny  uv  um  wood  be 
willin  to  resine  to  accommodait  Dimekrats.  He  bed  no  dout 
several  wood  do  it  to-wunst. 

Is  ther  an}"  littel  thing  I kin  do  for  you  ? ” 

Nothin  pertikler.  I wood  accept  a small  posborifis,  if 
sitooatid  within  easy  range  uv  a distilry.  My  politikle  days  is 
well-nigh  over.  Let  me  but  see  the  old  party  wunst  moar  in 
the  assendency;  let  these  old  eyes  wunst  more  behold  the 
Constooshn  ez  it  is,  the  Union  ez  it  wuz,  and  the  nigger  ware 
he  ought  to  be,  and  I will  rap  the  mantel  uv  privit  life  around 
me,  and  go  into  delirum  tremens  happy.  I hev  no  ambishen. 
I am  in  the  seer  and  yellow  leef  These  whitnin  lox,  them 
sunken  cheek,  warn  me  that  age  and  whisky  hev  done  ther 
perfeck  work,  and  that  I shel  soon  go  hents.  Linkin,  scorn 
not  my  words.  I hev  sed.  Adoo.” 

So  sayin,  1 wavd  my  hand  impressively,  and  walkd  away. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Chicrch^  in  charge. 


96 


ANOTHER  SERMON. 


XXXII. 

PREACHES. 

Church  uv  St.  — - , ] 

November  15th,  1863.  ) 

I PREECHED  yisterday  frmn  the  follerin  text:  “What  shel 
WE  DO  TO  BE  SAVED  ? ” 

This,  my  brethrin,  is  a important  inquiry.  Speakin  ez  a 
Dimekrat,  who  for  thirty  years  hez  never  scratched  a tikkit  — 
vewin  things  frum  a Dimekratik  stand-pint  — I hev  no  hesita- 
shen  in  sayin  that  we  need  savin  in  a eminent  degree.  The 
dark  waives  of  fanatticism,  wich  wuz  mere  rippels  in  1856, 
were  mountin-high  in  ’60,  and  now  they  roll  unchecked  frum 
Californy  to  Mane.  One  island  is  yet  unsquelched.  Noo 
Jersey  yet  is  troo  to  Dimokrasy  — a oasis  amid  the  sterile 
desert,  a green  spot  by  the  wayside,  a beekon-lite  to  the 
shipwreckd  mariner,  a whisky-jug  in  Maine.  Thank  hevin  for 
Noo  Jersey  — halleloogy  ! I am  prowd  to  say  that  I,  yoor 
paster,  wuz  born  in  Noo  Jersey;  that  my  father  sawd  wood 
for  the  President  uv  the  Camden  and  Amboy,  and  my  mother 
wuz  his  washerwoman.  Umble  wuz  our  lot ; but  wat  sez  the 
good  book  ? “ It  is  better  to  be  a door-keeper  at  the  house  uv 

Dimokrasy  than  a postmaster  in  the  tents  uv  Ablishnism.” 
But  to  resoom:  — 

Wat  shel  we  do  to  be  saved?  This  inquiry  is  uv  pekoolyer 
interest  jest  now.  Let  me  ask.  Why  do  we  need  savin? 
Dimokrasy  is  the  pure,  refind  salt  uv  the  guverment  — to 
speek  uv  savin  salt  is  a absurdity.  Ah  ! my  frends,  wile 
Dimokrasy  savd  the  guverment,  the  guverment  savd  Dimok- 
rasy. It  wuz  a strikin  illustrashen  uv  the  eternal  fitness  uv 
things.  So  long  ez  my  venrable  frend  hed  a post-orifis,  he 
wood  be  wuss  than  a loonatik  ef  he  did  not  sustane  the  guver- 
ment that  give  him  the  post-orifis.  Every  thing  went  on,  so 
long  ez  we  hed  the  post-orifises.  Wat  we  want  just  now  is 
votes  ; and  how  to  get  em  is  the  question.  Whisky  used  to 
do  it ; but,  alas  ! the  amount  uv  whisky  nessary  to  convert  a 
Ablishnist  to  Dimokrasy  wood  kill  him  afore  he  cood  vote  — 
+bpv  not  bpins:  seasond  vessels. 


THE  PANACEA  FOR  DEMOCRATIC  WOES. 


97 


We  lost  control,  my  brethren,  by  bein  stubborn.  0 ! let  us 
dodge  that  fatal  errer.  The  last  elecshen  showd  that  we  cood 
not  lead  the  people  — let  the  people  lead  us.  Ef  the  people 
want  war,  let  us  be  war  men ; ef  they  want  peece,  let 
us  sing  hosanners  to  peece  ! Ef  they  want  war  in  Ohio,  let 
Ohio  Dimekrats  be  war  men,  and  ef  Noo  York  wants  peece, 
let  em  be  peece  men.  Our  platform  is  broad  enulf  to  accom- 
modate all ; and  on  the  mane  question,  which  is  post-orifis,  we 
kin  all  agree  — halleloogy  ! 

Hevin  settled  the  matter  uv  faith,  we  will  considder  that  uv 
works,  for  faith  without  works  is  uv  no  more  use  than  a whisky- 
punch  without  the  whisky.  Ther  must  be  no  draft  — the 
men  must  be  razed  by  volunteerin.  Exstrordinary  indoose- 
ments  must  be  held  out  for  Abolishnists  to  enlist ; for  evry 
wun  who  goes,  stands  a lively  chance  uv  troublin  us  no  more. 
We  must  hev  our  voters  back  frum  Canady.  My  trends,  ther 
were  enuff  good  Dimekrats  in  Canady  to  hev  saved  Ohio  and 
Noo  York.  They  must  be  hum  to-wunst.  We  need  em. 

We  hev  not  sufSshently  improved  the  nigger  — we  neglect- 
ed him.  Ther  is  two  sides  to  the  war  question ; but  on  nigger 
we  air  invulnerable.  Why  ? yoo  ask.  Becoz  he  has  no  trends. 
The  Abolishnists  air  afeerd  to  defend  him,  and  by  tacking  uv 
him  to  them,  we  hev  wun  many  a fite.  0,  bless  the  Lord  for 
the  nigger  ! He  is  our  tower  uv  strength. 

My  brethrin,  we  hev  a big  job  afore  us.  Let  us  dally  no 
longer.  Think  uv  the  consekences  uv  another  defeet.  Sech 
uv  our  Dimekratik  leeders  ez  did  not  git  commishns  in  the 
army  air  in  a bad  way.  They  canT  git  whisky  on  tick  for- 
ever. Sum  uv  em  hev  got  so  low  ez  to  be  obliged  to  drink 
dilootid  camfene,  wich  hez  a bad  elfek  upon  the  stumick.  I 
tried  it  wunst.  They  must  be  releevd.  They  must  hev  their 
posishens  and  ther  regler  salaries,  for  without  em  ther  stumicks 
is  gone.  Brethrin,  to  the  breech  to-wunst. 

My  Church  depuytized  me  to  assertane  the  wherabouts  uv 
sum  Dimekrat  who  hezn’t  exprest  a opinyun  since  the  war 
commenst,  and  tender  him  the  nominashen  for  the  Presidensy. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


7 


98 


A RADICAL  CHANGE. 


XXXIII. 

SUBMITS  A PLAN  FOR  THE  SALVATION  OF  THE 
DEMOCRATIC  PARTY. 

Church  uv  St. , | 

December  the  2d,  1863.  ) 

I AM  not  apt  to  change.  Ez  the  Samist  sez,  Wunst  I wiiz 
yung,  but  now  I am  old ; ” but  yung  or  old,  it  hez  alluz  bin 
the  same  with  me.  Whisky  strate  hez  bin  my  bevridge,  and 
Dimokrasy  my  tickit,  wun  and  inseprable,  and  I hev  stuck  to 
em  with  a fidelity  ekaled  by  few  and  surpast  by  none.  But 
the  time  hez  cum  for  a radical  change,  in  order  to  save  the 
good  old  party  I hev  ornamented  so  long. 

The  rebelyun  is  played  out.  Our  Suthern  brethrin  is  gone 
in.  To  use  figgerativ  langidge,  wich  will  be  understood  in 
the  circles  in  wich  I am  accustomed  to  move,  Linkin  has  made 
four  already,  and  holds  high,  low,  and  jack.  So  long  as  ther 
wuz  any  chance  for  the  15  Dimekratik  states  to  succeed,  it 
was  natrel  for  us  to  help  em,  for  we  cood  easy  jine  with  em 
agin  ; but  ez  they  are  past  prayin  for,  wat  is  wisdom  for  us  ? 
Clearly  to  help  wipe  em  out.  Why  ? In  my  skriptooral 
re e din  I wunst  found  a histry  uv  a steward  who  wuz  about 
losin  his  place.  Like  Hamlet,  he  soliloquizd  : “ Wat  kin  I do  ? 
I canh  work,  I don’t  fancy  beggin,  and  hev  n’t  got  the  green- 
bax  to  start  a grocery.”  (Groceries  wuz  cash  in  Judee.)  A 
lucky  thot  emerged  frum  his  Websterian  intellek.  I hev  it,” 
sez  he  to  hisself.  I am  yet  steward.  I will  giv  receets  in 
full  to  them  ez  owes  my  boss,  and  wen  my  day  uv  trouble 
cums  I’ll  board  with  em.” 

The  pint  is  plane.  While  in  the  service  uv  our  Suthrin 
masters  we  wuz  rayther  hard  on  our  Afrikin  brethrin.  We 
did  beat  em,  and  choak  em,  and  did  despitefully  use  em. 
We  can’t  count  on  the  Sutherners  no  more  — let  us  elevate  the 
nigger  to  the  place  his  master  okepide  in  the  party.  Like  the 
steward  aforesed,  let  us  do  good  to  them  we  was  wunst  hard 
on,  that  we  may  hev  frends  when  we  need  em.  Let  that  hory 
old  dotard,  Tawny,  be  assassinated,  and  sum  wun  appinted  in 


A EETROSPECTIYE  VIEW. 


99 


his  place,  that  will  reverse  his  decision,  that  they  hedent  eny 
rites  that  wite  men  was  bound  to  respeck  ,*  let  Samcox  and 
Fernandywood  interdoose  bills  abolishin  slavery  in  the  states, 
and  givin  evry  Afrikin  brother  a quarter  secshun  uv  land, 
a two-hoss  team,  a red  bunnit  with  artihshel  flowers  on  to  it, 
make  em  citizens,  and  then  we’d  get  evry  wun  uv  em. 
This  wood  give  us  the  fifteen  Suthrin  states  as  in  the  hSppy 
days  uv  yore,  and  the  500,000  uv  our  cullered  brethrin,  now  in 
Canady,  cood  be  brot  back  to  the  land  uv  their  nativity,  and 
distributed  thro  Ohio  and  Noo  York,  so  ez  to  redeem  them 
states  frum  the  rule  uv  misgided  Eepublikins.  This  plan  is 
fesible,  and  pekoolyerly  adapted  to  the  Dimekratik  mind,  wich 
is  flexible  — very.  Let  it  be  adoptid,  and  wunst  more  will  the 
good  old  party  repose  under  the  shadder  uv  the  Trezury 
bildins  ; wunst  agin  will  the  chosen  few  dror  regler  salaries  ; 
and  the  nashen  flourish  under  the  blessins  we  lost  when 
Bookannon,  the  gileless,  retired  to  private  life. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


XXXIV. 

TAKES  A EETEOSPECTIYE  VIEW. 

Church  uv  the  Slawterd  Innocents  7 
(Lait  St.  Vallandigum),  December  the  11th,  1863.  > 

Yisterday  I heerd  a Ablishnist  remark,  The  world  moves.” 
The  observashen  (wich  I hev  heerd  frequently  uv  late)  set  me 
into  a trane  uv  refleckshen.  My  comprehensive  mind  sprang 
back  into  the  misty  days  uv  the  past,  and  I wuz  a boy  agin. 
Twenty-six  years  ago  I wuz  a splittin  my  symetrikle  throte  a 
hollerin  for  Yan  Booren.  Them  wuz  the  pammy  days  uv 
Bimokrasy.  Androo  Jaxon  hed  left  us  his  name  ez  capital  for 
us  to  do  biznis  on  wile  he  wuz  out  uv  the  way,  and  coodent 
interfere  with  our  steelin,  wich  wuz  comfortable.  We  wuz 
beaten,  but  wuz  still  strong  and  viggerous,  knowin  that  we 


100 


THE  GOOD  OLD  TIMES, 

cood  manage  to  live  doorin  Harrison’s  reign  on  wat  we  lied 
stolen  doorin  Yan  Booren’s,  the  facilites  bavin  been  nnlimitid. 
0,  them  times  ! Ther  wuz  Cass,  and  Davis,  and  Dickinson,  and 
Calhoon,  and  Tooms,  and  Bill  Allen,  and  Duglis  (who  wuz  jest 
comin  in),  and  Bitchy,  and  Benton,  and  Isaer  Bynders,  and 
Wise,  and  Yankee  Sullivan  — a gloreous  galaxy  uv  intellec- 
tooat  and  muskuler  Dimokrasy,  sech  ez  the  world  never  seed 
afore,  and  never  will  agin.  Wuz  Abolishnism  tolratid  in  them 
happy  daze  ? Not  enny.  0,  with  what  ardor  Lovejoy  wuz 
shot  at  Alton  ! How  viggerusly  the  Dimokrasy  laberd  to  throw 
his  press  into  the  turbid  waters  uv  the  Missisipi ! Wood,  0 
wood  that  we  cood  hev  sunk  his  doctrines  with  his  press  ! 
Did  we  allow  Abolishn  talk  ? Nary.  Thesa  stalwart  arm  hev 
hurled  baskitfuls  uv  unsavry  eggs  at  the  pedlers  uv  polittikle 
heresy,  and  my  skill  in  eggin  Abolishn  lecturers  wunst  made 
me  justis  uv  the  peese  in  my  native  township. 

In  the  South,  every  hill-side  wuz  dottid  with  the  carcasses 
uv  Noo  Ingland  skoolmarms,  who,  hevin  bin  suspected  uv 
teechin  niggers  to  rede,  wuz  justly  hung  ; and  the  pleasant 
crac-k  uv  the  whip  wuz  heard  all  over  the  land.  0,  them 
Arcadian  days,  wen  it  only  took  20  minits  to  arrest,  try,  sen- 
tence, hang,  and  divide  the  close  uv  a Yankee  skool-teacher ! 

But,  alas  1 heresies  crep  into  our  ranks,  and  ther  wuz  con- 
fooshun.  Yan  Booren  bolted  and  beat  Cass  ; and,  notwith- 
standin  he  repentid  afterwards,  the  Abolishn  pizon  he  inter- 
doost  into  the  Dimekratik  body  pollytik,  remaned.  It  broke 
out  in  ugly -sores  in  Ohio  in  1848,  in  the  shape  uv  the  feendish 
Free-sile  party.  Then  Chase  and  Brinkerhoff  sluffed  orf,  and 
jind  with  our  anshent  enemies.  Jest  afterward  the  Anti- 
Nebrasky  excitement,  cuppled  with  No-nothinism,  Vvdialed  us, 
and  it  wuz  only  by  sooperhooman  eggsershens  that  we  electid 
Bookannon.  Since,  it  hez  bin  nothin  but  disaster,  Bookannon 
and  Duglis  got  by  the  ears  ; Duglis  refoosed  to  cave  to  his 
Suthrin  brethrin ; Linkin  wuz  electid ; war  ensood ; and  now 
wat  do  these  old  eyes  behold  ? Cass,  and  Ben  Butler,  and 
Logan,  and  Dix,  and  Dickinson,  and  Dave  Tod,  strikin  hands 
Avith  Josh  Giddins  and  Horris  Greely  ! It  is  a singular  fact 
that  every  leader  Ave  used  to  trust  is  noAv  agin  us.  And  wuss. 
Abolishn  papers  is  bein  publisht  in  South  Karliny,  in  Tennisee, 


AND  THE  DEGENERATE  TO-DAY. 


101 


Kentucky,  and  Loozeaner,  and  a million  uv  men,  led  by  the 
ghosts  and  ghostesses  uv  them  hung  schoolmasters  and  school- 
marms  aforesaid,  assisted  by  John  Brown’s  soul,  wich  is 
litterally  a marchin  on,  is  enforcin  a proclamashen  freein  all 
the  niggers  at  wun  stroke,  and  the  Dimokrasy,  bein  sum 
hundreds  uv  thowsands  in  the  minority,  is  powerless  to 
prevent  it. 

Trooly,  the  world  moves.  It  hez  moved  the  Dimokrasy 
from  the  pedestal  uv  power  it  wunst  okepide,  and  laid  it 
prostrate.  It  hez  elevatid  men  we  despised,  and  adoptid  idees 
we  sc  oft  at. 

Yunger  men  may  shift  and  git  into  the  tide  agin,  but  ez 
for  me,  I cant.  I shel  make  wun  more  effort,  and  if  we  fail  — 
why,  then,  I shel  withdraw  from  public  life,  and  start  a grocery, 
and  in  that  umble  callin  will  flote  peecefully  down  the  stream 
uv  time,  until  my  weather-beten  bark  strikes  on  the  rocks  of 
death,  gittin  my  licker  in  the  meantime  (uv  wich  I consume 
many)  at  wholesale  prices. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Ghurclij  in  charge. 


XXXV. 

COMMUNES  WITH  SPIRITS. 


Church  uv  the  Slawterd  Innocents  7 
(Lait  St.  Vallandigum),  December  the  19th,  1863.  ) 

I HEV  bin  for  many  years  disposed  to  bleeve  in  speritooalism. 
Ther  is  suthin  pleasant  in  the  idee  uv  bein  in  communicashen 
with  them  ez  hev  gone  before,  as  it  may  be  reznably  supozed 
that  frum  their  stan-pint  they  kin  see  things  in  a more  clearer 
lite  than  we  who  is  encumbered  with  clay.  Akordingly,  I 
invited  a distingisht  mejum  to  visit  my  flock.  * 

A circle  wuz  formed,  and  I wuz  requestid  to  call  for  the  sperit 
uv  sum  wun.  Havin  a few  Abolishnists  present,  whom  I wisht 
to  enliten  on  politikle  topics,  I called  for  Thomas  Jefferson. 


102 


THE  SPIRITS  OF  THE  FATHERS. 


Thomas/^  sez  I,  wuz  yoo  the  father  uv  Dimokrasy  ? ” 

(I  use  my  own  language,  ez  them  old  fellers  wuz  not  alluz 
elegant.) 

“ I wuz.” 

Thomas,  are  the  party  now  harin  the  name  yoor  child  ? ” 

“ Not  any.  It^s  a mizable  bastard,  born  uv  John  C.  Calhoon, 
and  that  old  hag,  State-Rites,  and  a low-lived  whelp  it  is.  My 
heirs  is  them  ez  supports  the  guverment  I helpt  to  make.” 

“ But,  Thomas,  wood  yoo  hev  us  support  a Abolishn  war  for 
the  purpus  uv  freein  niggers  ? ” 

The  spirit  rapt  out  with  awful  distinknis  : 

We  hold  these  trooths  to  be  self-evident,  that  all  men  is 
creatid  ekal,  and  endoud  with  certing  inalianable  rites,  among 
wich  is  life,  liberty  — ” 

At  this  pint  I stopt  the  mejum.  I knew  the  sperit  wuz  not 
Thomas  Jefferson,  but  a imposter,  hevin  heerd  a Abolishn 
preecher  use  the  same  language  at  a 4th  uv  July  celebra- 
shen.  I then  called  Androo  Jaxon,  who  respondid. 

Androo,”  sez  I,  woodent  yoo  like  to  be  back  on  earth, 
jist  now  ? ” 

“ Yoo  kin  bet  I wood,”  retortid  he.  ‘‘  I’d  like  to  hev  bin 
President  in  the  place  uv  that  old,  white-livered,  black-cockade 
Fedralist,  Bookannon.  Wat  a hangin  ther  wood  hev  bin ! 
Ther  wood  hev  bin  vacancies  in  Congris,  and  jest  es  many 
funerals  ez  ther  wuz  vacancies.  As  for  South  Carliny — ” 
The  communicashen  ceased,  and  I heerd  a sound  like  the 
grittin  uv  teeth.  It  resoomed : 

“ I’d  string  up  Yallandigum,  and  Fernandywood,  and  Samme- 
dary,  et  settry.  It  wood  be  a bad  old  joke  on  them  indivijuels 
ef  I hed  control  of  the  habis  corpus ; I’d  — ” 

I refoozed  to  hear  further.  This  sperit  wuz,  also,  ondoubted- 
ly  a imposter. 

I called  for  Benton,  who  merely  sed  that  Missoury  wuz  comin 
to  her  senses  in  gittin  rid  uv  slavery^;  and  for  Duglis,  who 
remarkt  that  he  cood  say  uv  the  temple  uv  Dimokrasy  ez  the 
Savior  sed  of  the  temple,  “ My  house  is  cald  a house  of  prayr, 
but  ye  hev  made  it  a den  of  theeves  ; ” both  of  whom  wuz 
unquestionably  imposters.  Another  sperit  (probably  of  a 
deceest  Ablishnist)  sed  that  Benedict  Arnold  and  Judis 


Nasbt  Communing  with  the  Spirit  of  Andrew  Jackson.  P. 


THE  LAST  WORDS  OF  DOUGLAS. 


103 


Iscariot  hadent  bin  on  speekin  terms  for  sum  time,  Iscariot 
hevin  called  Arnold  a copperhead.  Arnold  sed  he’d  never 
stand  that. 

Duglis  cum  back,  and  sed  he  had  jest  wun  word  to  say. 

The  Dimekratik  party  wuz  wunst  grate,  but  it  had  got  into 
bad  hands,  and  gone  crazy  as  a drunken  bed-bug.  It  needed 
new  managers  — men  uv  sufSshent  sense  and  honesty  to  run 
the  party  on  old  principles.  In  the  old  hands,  it  wuz  a patri- 
otic party  — a party  that  wuz  alluz  for  the  country.  It  whaled 
the  British  in  1812,  and  afterwards  nockt  the  hind  sites  off  uv 
the  old  ' Fedral  party  for  opposin  it.  It  smasht  Mexico,  and 
afterwards  smasht  the  Whig  party  for  not  helpin.  Now,  for 
the  Dimokrasy  to  oppose  a war  agin  rebels  who  not  only 
commenst  it,  but  hed  actooally  bustid  the  party  itself,  is  loonacy 
unekaled  in  the  history  uv  the  world.  Squelch  them  tuppenny 
pollytishns  who  hev  thieved  the  mantels  wunst  worn  by  Jaxon 
and  Benton  (they  look  in  em  jest  about  as  well  as  a orgin 
grinder’s  monky  wood  in  a soljer’s  overcoat,  and  fill  em  jest  as 
much),  get  on  to  a war  platform,  and — ” 

I didn’t  care  about  persooin  my  investigashens  enny  further, 
pertikelerly  ez  the  Abolishnists  wuz  all  a snickrin.  It’s  my 
privit  opinion  that  ther’s  nothin  reliable  about  it.  Hed  the 
sperits  bin  reely  them  uv  Jefferson,  Jaxon,  and  sich,  they 
woodent  hev  talkt  so  much  undilootid  niggerism.  However, 
it  did  me  very  well.  The  mejum  took  up  a colleckshun  uv  six 
dollars,  wich,  by  a singler  coincidence,  was  the  eggsact  amount 
I hed  intendid  to  charge  him  for  the  use  uv  my  church.  He 
grumbled,  but  finally  sheld  ouh  I am  now  warin  a new  pare 
uv  pants. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Faster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


104 


ESTABLISHES  WHITE  SLAVERY, 


XXXVI. 

TRIES  AN  EXPERIMENT. 

Church  uv  the  Slawterd  Innocents  } 
(Lait  St.  Vallandigum),  December  the  25th,  1863.  ) ' 

Mankind  is  the  most  perverse  and  onrezonable  beins  nv  the 
human  family.  Wile  they  assent  to  a principle,  they  never  will 
put  it  into  practis,  ef  it  bares  hard  onto  em  ez  indivijuels; 
to- wit : — - 

I had  bin  for  sevral  weeks  deliverin  a course  uv  lekters  on 
the  divinity  uv  slavery.  I argood  that  the  institooshun  wuz 
based  upon  the  infeeriority  uv  wun  man  to  another ; that  it 
wuz  not  only  a wdse  but  a beautiful  pervision  uv  nacher  that  the 
strong  shood  hev  charge  uv  the  week,  a guidin  and  protektin 
and  a workin  uv  them.  The  idee  pleased  my  congregashun 
vastly,  and  fifteen  or  twenty  uv  the  strongest  perposed  that  it 
shood  be  put  into  practis,  jest  to  show  the  world  that  the  grate 
doctrine  cood  be  carried  out  jest  as  well  in  the  North  as  in  the 
South;  to  wich  I assented  to-wunst,  and  at  the  next  biznis 
meetin,  the  follerin  plan  wuz-  adoptid : The  members  uv  the 
congregashun  shood  try  ther  strength,  and  them  ez  cood  lift 
600  lbs.  shood  own  and  possess,  in  fee-simple,  all  them  ez 
coodent. 

The  trial  wuz  hed,  the  divishen  made,  and  I wuz  happy  at 
bein  the  umble  instrooment  uv  plantin  the  grate  institooshen 
on  Northrin  sile. 

But,  alas ! owin  to  the  perversity  uv  the  human  mind  afore- 
said, it  dident  work.  Old  John  Podhammer  raised  his  600  with 
the  gratest  ease,  wile  Bill  Sniffles,  who  wuz  a workin  for  him 
for  $12  a month,  coodent  fetch  it.  Podhammer  went  over  to 
Bilf  s cabin  the  next  mornin,  and  sez  he  : — 

‘‘  Wilyum,  from  this  time  hentzforth  and  furever,  yoo  air  my 
man.  As  all  a slave  hez  is  his  masters,  the  $18  I owe  yoo,  or 
that  I did  owe  yoo  afore  this  blessid  system  wuz  establisht,  I 
shel  keep,  and  as  yoo  hev  more  furnitoor  than  befits  yoor  lowly 


AND  THEN  DISESTABLISHES  IT. 


105 


condishen,  I will  send  a team  over  to-morrer,  and  take  yer 
beauro  and  stand  and  bedstids  up  to  my  house ; and  — 

At  this  junctur  in  comes  Mrs.  Sniffles,  who  kin  lift  600  lbs., 
with  old  Podhammer  on  the  top  uv  it,  and  it  wuz  no  time  afore 
she  diskivered  what  his  biznis  wuz.  She  turned  red  in  the 
face.  Said  she, — 

Yoor  goin  to  take  my  furnitoor  ? ” 

Certingly.” 

And  we  air  your  slaves  ? ” 

“ Uv  course.’’ 

And  yoo  can  sell  my  children  ? ” 

Naterally.” 

And  yoo  kin  make  me  yoor  conkebine  ? ” 

Ef  I wish.” 

Yoo  old  beast ! ” shreekt  the  infooriated  female  chattel,  for- 
gettin  her  normal  condishun.  Yoo  sell  my  babies  ! Yoo  take 
my  furnitoor  ! Drat  ye.  I’ll  give  ye  sum  uv  it  now  ! ” where- 
upon she  hurled  a chare,  wich  laid  him  prostrait  on  the  floor, 
when  she  pickt  him  up,  and  flung  him  out  the  door. 

It  did  not  end  here:  Podhammer  hed  in  his  hand  a patch- 

work  coverlid,  wich  he  thot  he  wood  take  with  him,  and  when 
he  cum  to,  he  walked  off  with  it,  whereupon  Mrs.  Sniffles  hed 
him  took  up  on  a charge  uv  steelin,  and  he  was  actooally  tried, 
found  guilty,  and  sent  to  jail  for  thirty  days.  How  kin  we 
establish  Dimekratik  institooshens  when  the  courts  won’t  rec- 
ognize the  laws  of  nacher? 

Petroleum  Y.  Yasby, 
Fastor  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


106  TRIES  AN  EXPERIMENT  WITH  NEGRO  SLAVERY^ 


XXXVII. 

ESTABLISHES  AFRICAN  SLAVERY. 

Church  uv  the  Slawterd  Innocents  ) 
(Lait  St.  Vallandigum),  January  the  IGth,  1864.  \ 

Trouble  are  comin  upon  me  thicker  and  faster.  Men 
change,  but  principles,  never,”  hez  bin  a motto  uv  mine  for 
years,  and  bleevin  in  the  grate  principle  of  the  strong  owning 
the  weak — or,  in  other  words,  slavery  — I shel  never  cease 
my  efforts  to  make  it  universal.  Ther  bein  a onreasonable 
prejudice  in  the  minds  uv  the  weak  uv  my  congregashen  aginst 
bein  the  perpetooal  servance  uv  them  as  nacher  hez  made  to 
rool,  I called  a special  meetin  of  my  flock,  to  consider  the 
matter.  I interdoost  it  thus  : — 

By  Hager,  I proved  that  slavery  was  scriptooral. 

By  cussid  be  Kanan,”  et  settry,  I shode  concloosively  that 
the  nigger  wuz  the  identikle  indivijjle  who  wuz  to  be  the  sed 
slave  aforesed. 

Then  it  wuz  put  to  vote,  and  it  wuz  unanimusly  resolvd, 
that  Afriken  slavery  be  interdoost  amongst  us.  I notist,  with 
pleasure,  that  the  poorer  the  indivijjle,  the  more  anxshus  he 
seemed  to  own  a nigger. 

Opinions  were  then  interchanged.  Absolum  Kitt,  who  is  a 
carpenter,  and  who  never  saved  a dollar,  hevin  alluz  hed  a sick 
wife  and  a large  family  of  children,  sed  he  felt  that  a grate 
work  hed  bin  dun  that  nite.  The  prowd  Anglo-Saxun,  whom 
nacher  intended  to  rool,  hed  bin  that  nite  elevatid  to  his 
normal  speer.  Hentzforth  ther  wuz  no  more  labor  for  him. 
He  hed  a contrak  to  bild  a house  for  brother  Podhammer,  and 
he  hed  no  doubt  that  the  brethrin  who  wuz  blest  with  means, 
wood  make  up  a puss,  and  enable  him  to  buy  a nigger  carpen- 
ter to  do  his  work. 

Brother  Podhammer  aroze.  He,  uv  coarse,  wood  be  glad  to 
assist  brother  Kitt,  but  dooty  to  his  own  family  required  a 
dififrent  line  uv  action.  His  idee  wuz  to  purchis  a nigger 
carpenter  hisself,  and  — 

WHAT  ! ” exclaimed  Kitt. 


WHICH  ALSO  FAILED. 


107 


Brother  Podhammer  resoomd.  He  intended  to  buy  a nigger 
carpenter  hisself,  and  bild  his  house.  The  cheef  beauty  uv 
the  grate  system,  and  the  wun  that  makes  it  altogether  luvly, 
is,  that  yoo  kin  buy  yoor  labor. 

But,’^  sed  Kitt,  what  kin  1 do  if  yoo  work  nigger 
carpenters  ? 

Trooly,’^  sez  Podhammer,  1 know  not.  A carpenter  kin 
be  purchist  for  $1000,  the  interest  uv  wich  is  $60,  and  his 
keepin,  say  $100  more,  per  annum.  Now,  ef  Brother  Kitt  will 
cum  to  them  wages,  and  be  modritly  umble,  I mite,  for  his 
sake,  forego  the  exquisit  pleasure  uv  hevin  a nigger  to  flog, 
and  still  employ  him.’^ 

But,’’  sez  Kitt,  turnin  pale,  ‘‘  my  family  wood  starve  on 
them  wages.  Why,  I mite  ez  well  be  a nigger  myself.” 

At  this  pint  I lifted  up  my  voice.  I exorted  Brother  Kitt  to 
patience.  The  grate  Dimekratik  idee,  that  capital  shood  own 
labor,  mast  be  establisht.  It  may  bare  hard  upon  indivijjles, 
but  wat  then?  John  Rogers  went  camly  to  the  stake  for 
principle.  Ef  Brother  Kitt  doth  not  like  to  accept  his  normal 
condishen  to-wunst,"  he -kin  go  to  sum  less  favored  country, 
wher  the  grate  instooshon  is  not  establisht. 

Brother  Podger,  a blacksmith,  sed  he  supposed  the  rich  uns 
wood  buy  a nigger  blacksmith,  and  let  him  emigrate.  Brother 
Snipes,  a plasterer,  made  a similar  observashen.  Brother  Punt, 
a bricklayer,  remarkt  likewise. 

Whereupon  they  all,  in  chorus,  similarly  exclaimed  they’d 
see  us  d — d fust,  and  then  they  woodent. 

Whereupon  they  reconsidered  the  resolushen  establishin 
slavery. 

Kitt  and  his  herritix  wuz  not  at  church  last  Sundy,  and  the 
postmaster  told  me  that  they  hed  sent  off  a club  for  the  Anti- 
Slavery  Standard. 

Trooly,  a reformer’s  Jordan  is  a hard  road  to  travel  I 
beleeve. 

Peteoleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Cliurclij  in  charge. 


108 


A MILITARY  NOMINATION. 


XXXVIII. 

OPPOSES  THE  NOMINATION  OF  A MILITARY  MAN. 

Church  uv  the  Slawterd  Innocents  > 
(Lait  St.  Vallandiguni),  January  the  21st,  1864.  ) 

I NOTICE  in  the  Dimekratik  papers  a desire  to  make  General 
Micklellan  or  General  Grant  our  nominee  for  the  Presidency. 
Sooisidel  ijee  ! I pertest ! 

Time  hezn’t  tetched  my  flowin  locks  with  frost,  and  furrowd 
my  massive  brow  for  nothin.  Peopil  hev  sumtimes  doubted 
my  honesty,  but  my  talence,  never.  I don’t  alluz  pay,  but  I 
never  failed  in  borrerin  — wich  is  useful.  Therefore  I throw 
myself  into  the  breech,  and  demand  a hearin. 

I am  inflexibly  opposed  to  Micklellan’s  nominashen.  I hev 
faith  in  the  soundnis  uv  his  Dimokrasy,  but  none  watever  in  his 
ability.  Look  at  it.  He  wuz  placed  in  a posishen  to  help  the 
Dimokrasy,  but  instid,  he  (by  weaknis)  well  nigh  rooind  it.  He 
hed  under  his  control  180,000  Abolishnists.  A man  uv  genius 
wood  hev  destroyed  em  all,  whareas  he  only  sunk  about  the  half, 
leavin  the  rest  to  live  and  vote  agin  us.  A nominee  uv  the 
Dimokrasy  must  be  a man  able  to  control  other  men.  Is  he 
sich?  Not  any.  Did  he  not  let  that  born  devil.  Hooker,  and 
Kerny,  and  Mansfeeld  (who  wuz  killed,  halleloogy  ! ) brake 
away  and  fite  our  Suthrin  brethren  at  Anteetum  and  elsewher, 
killin  jest  ez  many  Suthern  Dimekrats  ez  wuz  killed  uv  the 
Ablishnists  ? Troo,  he  stopt  it  ez  soon  ez  he  cood.  Troo,  him 
and  Fitsjon  Porter  laid  out  Pope,  and  kep  him  from  beetin  our 
Suthern  trends.  Troo,  he  did  Linkin  ez  much  hurt,  and  Davis 
ez  much  good,  ez  wuz  in  him  ; but  the  work  he  mite  hev  dun 
wuz  only  half  dun.  His  ijee  wuz  not  our  ijee.  His  stratejy 
wuz  to  shashay  backerds  and  forerds,  until  both  sides  wuz 
eggsaustid,  and  then  patch  up  a compermise.  We  wantid 
Linkin  histid  to  wunts  ; and  hed  ther  been  a proper  under- 
standin  atwixt  him  and  Lee,  Jefferson  Davis  mite  hev  bin  in 
the  White  House,  and  we,  the  pure  Dimokrasy,  mite  not  only 
hev  hed  the  post-oriffses,  but  hev  bin  a revelin  on  the  confisti- 
catid  estaits  uv  Abolishnists,  wich  wood  hev  bin  constooshnel. 


THE  STYLE  OF  MAN  NEEDED. 


109 


I hed  my  egle  eye  fixt  on  a sheep-farm  uv  360  akers  ; but,  alas ! 
I got  it  not.  Then  the  iron  entered  my  sole  ! Then  I oust 
the  imbecility  uv  the  man  who  swindled  me  out  uv  the  farm  I 
longed  for.  I’ll  none  uv  him.  Avant ! 

Ez  for  Grant,  my  sole  rekoils  with  horror  at  the  bare  ijee. 
Wat ! nominate  a man  whose  willin  sord  drips  with  the  gory 
life-blud  uv  unwillin  Dimekratik  saints  ! Never  ! Forbid  it, 
hevin  ! Marry  the  gentle  virgin  Peace  to  a soljer  drenchd  in 
goar  ! I,  Nasby,  forbid  the  bans  ! 

The  trooth  is,  we  air  gittin*  wild.  A man  can’t  look  two 
ways  without  doin  violence  to  his  organs  uv  vishen.  Ef  per- 
sistid  in,  he’d  bekum  cross-eyed.  We  commenst  with  our 
faces  southward.  Ther  our  hope  lies.  Let  us  keep  our  eyes 
that  way.  Ef  we  nominate  a war  man,  and  turn  a back 
spring  onto  a war  platform,  wat  better  air  we  than  the  Gen- 
tiles ? Sech  jimnastics  are  purty  to  see,  but  they  rench  the 
jimnastist. 

No  ! let  us  go  on  ez  .we  begun.  Ez  peace  men,  our  case  is 
not  hopeless.  The  new  and  unconstooshnel  tax  onto  whisky 
keeps  the  orthodox  Dimokrasy  strate  (tho  at  our  expense),  and 
a lucky  Confedrit  victry  in  the  spring  wood  turn  the  week- 
kneed  war  men  into  peace  howlers.  Good  hevins  ! air  we 
insane  ? Shel  we  throw  away  sech  weapins  ez  taxis,  conscrip- 
shen,  nigger,  free  speech,  et  settry,  and  bow  the  knee  to 
Linkin?  Never! 

Wat  we  want  is  these  : 

1.  A peace  man  for  a candidait. 

2.  More  marters.  Ef  the  outrajed  Yallandigum,  and  Jessee 
Brite,  and  George  E.  Pugh  wood,  for  the  good  uv  the  party, 
consent  to  be  driven  to  desprashen  by  the  tyranny  uv  the 
Administrashen,  and  commit  sooicide,  it  wood  be  a trump  card 
for  us.  What  movin  appeals  we  cood  make  over  ther  dead 
bodies.  I’ll  rite  to  em  on  the  subgik. 

3.  The  formashen  uv  Aid  Societis  to  defray  the  expensis  uv 
the  campane,  wich  will  be  enormus,  owin  to  the  tax  on 
whisky. 

4.  Confedrit  victrys,  and  lots  uv  em,  wich  not  only  kills  off 
Ablishn  voters,  but  disheartens  the  war  men  north. 


110 


AN  EFFORT  AT  STRATEGY. 


5.  The  libral  preechin  nv  a pure  gospil,  untaintid  with 
Ablishnism. 

With  these  we  kin  win  ez  easy  ez  I used  to  turn  jack  from 
the  bottom^  wen  I wuz  in  a state  uv  unregenerashen. 

A peace  Dimekrat  for  President ! 0,  happy  thot ! The  for- 

rin  mishns  ! The  custom-houses  ! The  post-orfises  ! In  short, 
the  treasury  ! Let  us  be  wise,  and  these  is  ourn. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churclij  in  charge. 


XXXIX. 

TRIES  TO  AWAKEN  AN  INTEREST. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ") 
February  the  10th,  1864.  f 

The  old  Dimokrasy  hez  lost  its  anshent  sperit.  I know  not 
why,  but  a gloomy  forebodin  ez  to  our  fucher  hez  hed  poseshun 
uv  my  sole  for  sevral  weeks  past.  I notist  that  the  farmers 
belongin  to  my  flock  wuz  a savin  up  greenbax,  and  hed  quit 
callin  uv  em  rags ; many  refoozd  to  contribbit  to  the  Yallan- 
digum  Fund,  and  the  collecshun  for  the  benefit  uv  the  Confed- 
rit  prizners  at  Johnson’s  Island  wuz  a total  failure,  in  consekens 
uv  wich  I am  doin  without  a overkote  this  cold  weather,  wich 
is  unclerikle.  And  wuss  than  this  — I hev  heard,  recently, 
members  uv  the  congregashun  discussin  the  skarsity  uv  labor, 
and  I actooally  heard  wun  uv  em  dam  Jeff  Davis  instid  uv 
Linkin  I I felt  that  suthin  must  be  dun,  and  I set  about  to 
do  it. 

I hed  been  preachin  considable  on  the  subgik  uv  a nigger 
imigrashen,  and  ez  the  dislike  uv  nigger  is  chronic  in  the 
Dimek^atik  mind,  I thot  I wood  stir  em  up  with  the  nigger 
wunst  more.  So  I blacked  myself  all  over,  and  puttin  on  a 
soot  uv  old  close,  I startid  out  afore  daylite,  pintin  for  Square 
Gavitt’s,  who  alluz  wuz  a invetrit  hater  uv  the  nigger.  The 
old  man  saw  me  a comin,  and  I spectid  nothin  less  than  a bul- 


A TERRIBLE  FALLING  OFF. 


Ill 


let  thro  me ; but  for  the  grate  cause,  I hed  determined  to  risk 
even  that.  But,  to  my  horror,  the  Square  sed  Good  mornin,’’ 
and  askt  wher  1 wuz  from.  I told  him  I wuz  a runaway  slave 
from  Yirginny ; that  32,000  startid  the  same  day  I did ; and 
that  the  rest  wood  be  along  in  a day  or  two.  I spozd  he  wood 
bile  at  this  ; but  he  didn’t.  He  pulled  from  his  breast-pockit 
the  familiar  old  bottle,  and  invited  me  to  take  hold,  wich  I did, 
wondrin  why  he  wuz  so  pleasent  to  a nigger.  Alas  for  Himok- 
rasy ! I soon  found  out.  HE  WANTED  TO  HIDE  ME  to 
work  for  him.  Ez  the  words  fell  from  his  lips,  I well  nigh  faint- 
ed ; but  my  consternashen  wuz  redoubled  when  he  askt  me  if 
I couldn’t  git  him  three  or  four  more  kulerd  men  ! Kulerd 
MEN ! ” thot  I,  in  agony.  0,  wat  a softnin  down  from  the 

Nigger  ” uv  a year  ago  ! 

Sadly  I retraced  my  steps.  Washing  off  my  disgise,  I 'felt, 
for  the  first  time  in  my  life,  utterly  and  entirely  retched.  Wen 
Dimekrats  git  to  callin  niggers  kulerd  men,”  'and  want  em  to 
work  beside  em,  and  drink  out  uvthe  same  bottle  with  em,  wat 
better  air  they  than  Ablishnists  ? The  fucher  uv  the  Dimok- 
rasy  is,  indeed,  dark  and  gloomy.  We  can’t  move  the  peeple 
ez  we  used  to.  They  pay  the  taxis,  and  say  they  ain’t  so  h^avy 
after  all.  They  hev  diskivered  that  guverment  munny  isn’t 
wuthless ; they  won’t  talk  enny  more  about  resistin  the  draft 
— on  the  contrary,  they  are  raisin  money  to  send  Dimekrats 
into  the  army,  wich  alluz  cums  back  ran  tin  Ablishnists,  a 
knockin  down  peace  men,  and  forcin  em  to  take  the  oath. 
Farmers  endoor  the  high  prices  uv  prodooce  with  a pashense 
and  ekanimity  wonderful  to  behold.  Yisterday  Bill  Sipes  sold 
his  sorril  mare  for  $150,  and  insistid  on  hevin  his  pay  all  in 
greenbax.  I warned  Wilyum  uv  the  risk  he  wa'S  runnin  in 
keepin  so  much  uv  that  stuff,  wen  he  impudently  exclaimed. 

Stuff!  hay  1 Old  Nosey,  that’s  playd  out.” 

Old  Nosey  I ” Playd  out  1 ” This  to  his  spiritooal  father, 
his  paster,  and  guide  1 Whair  air  we  driftin  ? 

Wat  we  are  to  do  to  stem  the  tide  that  is  settin  agin  us  is 
more  than  I know.  A good,  decisive,  Confedrit  victry  wood 
help  us ; but,  alas  1 I see  no  probability  uv  that.  It’s  too  lait 
to  talk  uv  compermise,  for  there’s  hardly  enuff  left  uv  the 
South  to  compermise  with.  I’m  sick.  I’m  sorry  I supported 


112 


A PAEABLE. 


Yallandigmn.  I wish  I had  been  a war  man.  My  congrega- 
shen  is  gittin  lookwarm,  and  don’t  pay  their  quartrage  reglar, 
and  the  grocery-keepers  are  intimatin  that  before  long  I must 
begin  to  pay  for  my  licker  ! Wher  will  it  end  ? 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Pastor  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


XL. 

RECOMMENDS  UNANIMITY. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ? 

February  the  19th,  1864.  ^ 

In  my  boyhood’s  days,  wen  life  wuz  all  a dream,  my  buddin 
genius  wuz  bein  develupt  a loggin  with  oxen.  Wun  team  I 
hed,  wich  got  insane  wun  day,  and  instid  uv  pullin  at  the  log, 
ez  well-regulatid  oxen  do,  they  histid  theirselves  around,  facin 
each  other,  and  pulled  until  wun  hed  dislokatid  his  neck,  and 
the  other  I killed  with  a stun  in  a fit  uv  richus  rage,  and  they 
fed  the  ravens  uv  the  valley,  wich  is  figgerativ  for  the  childern 
uv  the  nigger  farmer  my  father  borrerd  em  uv.  And  here  let 
me  say,  that,  for  ginooine,  scientific  borrerin,  the  old  man  wuz 
ekaled  by  few,  and  serpast  by  none.  He  borrerd  a boss  uv  a 
doctor,  in  cholera  time,  wich  wuz  brillyant;  but  his  shay- 
doover  wuz  borrerin  a new  overkote  uv  a reddy-made  clothing 
man,  whose  name  wuz  Solomons.  His  last  grate  feat  wuz  bor- 
rerin a boss,  late  wun  nite,  for  wich  he  wuz  sent  to  the  peni- 
tenshary,  bekoz  he  omitted  hevin  any  conversashen  with  the 

The  difficulties  of  the  Democracy  in  1864  are  here  delineated.  The  finan- 
cial administration  of  the  government  had  been  so  skilfully  conducted,  and 
the  general  prosperity  of  the  country  so  manifest,  that  the  Democracy  had  but 
little  material  with  which  to  create  disaffection  and  distrust.  The  southern 
armies  were  falling  back  — the  leading  cities  of  the  rebellion  were  held  by 
northern  troops,  and  above  all,  “it  was  desperate  hard  work  to  talk  of  general 
ruin  when  every  man  had  his  pocket  full  of  greenbacks,  which  would  buy 
property  and  pay  debts.” 


THE  GREAT  TROUBLE. 


113 


owner  aforehand.  These  okkurd  in  Noo  Gersy,  and  the  owner 
uv  the  property  wuz  a direkter  in  the  Camden  <fe  Amboy,  wich 
is  the  only  okashuns  wher  steelin  is  punisht  in  that  state. 
But  to  resoom : 

The  parable  uv  the  oxen  applies  to  the  Dimokrasy  with 
great  force.  Like  them,  we  hev  faced  about,  and  are  pullin 
aginst  each  other.  Ez  near  ez  I kin  estimate  it,  the  Dime- 
kratik  body  pollytik  contanes  eight  distinct  elements,  to-wit : 

1.  Them  ez  would  nominate  Micklellan  on  a war  platform.. 

2.  Them  ez  would  nominate  Micklellan  on  a peace  platform. 

3.  Them  ez  wood  nominate  Yallandigum  on  a peace  platform. 

4.  Them  ez  wood  nominate  Yallandigum  on  a war  platform. 

5.  Them  ez  wood  favor  the  war  ef  slavery  cood  be  let  alone. 

6.  Them  ez  air  opposed  to  the  war  in  any  shape.  7.  Them  ez 
is  in  Canady,  in  consekens  uv  drafts.  8.  The  betwixt  and 
betweeners,  who  are  ashamd  uv  our  party,  and  aint  sootable 
for  any  other.  They  are  with  Dimokrasy  ez  the  Michigander 
is  with  his  itch  — wood  like  to  git  rid  uv  it,  but  can’t. 

These  classes  is  pullin  and  haulin  agin  each  other,  and  instid 
uv  makin  hed  agin  the . common  enemy,  we  air  frittrin  away 
our  strength  and  time,  a settlin  among  ourselves  as  to  wat  we 
bleeve.  This  is  loonacy  unekald.  Troo,  we  hev  been  unfort- 
nit  in  our  political  speculashens.  We  made  divers  and  sundry 
ishoos,  and  hev  bin  beat  on  all  uv  em.  We  prophside  con- 
cernin  the  strength  uv  the  Sowth,  the  wuthlesnis  uv  paper 
money,  the  immigrashen  uv  niggers,  gineral  rooin,  et  settry ; 
but,  alas  ! they  all  faild.  It  wuz  up-hill  biznis  yellin  Nigger!” 
Nigger ! ” wen  there  wuz  no  nigger ; it  wuz  hoomiliatin  to 
talk  two  hours  a convincin  people  uv  the  wuthlesnis  uv  guv- 
ment  munny,  and  then  see  a Dimekrat  sell  a boss,  and  rite 
under  yer  nose  refuse  to  take  anything  but  greenbax  for  pay. 
It  wuz  desprit  hard  work  to  talk  uv  ginral  rooin,  wen  every 
body  hed  a pocketful  uv  money,  wich  money  wood  pay  dots.. 

These  failures  shood  teech  us  wisdom.  We  shood  decide 
fust  upon  what  to  bleeve,  and  then  we  must  all  bleeve  it,  and 
go  to  work  to  inockelate  the  people.  It  makes  nary  diffrence 
to  me  wat  creed  we  adopt;  ez  a Dimekrat,  I kin  go  eny  wun 
uv  the  eight.  Wat  we  want  is  votes ; and  wat  diffrence  duz 
it  make  whether  we  git  em  by  goin  strate  or  by  wobblin  a 
8 


114 


A REPUDIATION  OF  M’CLELLAN. 


trifle.  Ther  air  many  rodes  to  the  post-orifises,  but  ef  we 
divide  up  and  shatter  our  forces  over  all  uv  em,  we  shel  be 
beat  in  detale.  We  hev  evry  reason  to  be  encouridgd.  Davis 
is  strengthnin  his  armies,  and  wun  victry  won  by  him  will  lay 
Ablishnism  cold.  Let  us  present  a solid  front  to  the  foe,  and 
go  in  to  win.  Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


XLI. 

AGAIN  KEPUDIATES  MCCLELLAN,  AND  GIVES  EEA- 
SONS  THEREFOR. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ? 

February  the  29th,  1864.  \ 

The  ijeotic  ijee  uv  nominatin  Micklellan  apperes  to  be  gainin 
ground  among  the  Dimokrasy.  Whenever  a party  gits  a goin 
down  hill,  it  seems  ez  ef  double-distilled  loonacy  invariably 
takes  holt  uv  the  engineers,  instid  uv  the  cool,  calm  wisdom 
nessary  to  histe  it  back  into  ascendency. 

I object  to  the  nominashen  uv  Micklellan  for  these  reasons  : 

1st.  We  can’t  win  with  him.  Who’s  a goin  to  vote  for  him? 
The  old  hard-headed  peace  man,  who  objeks  to  drafts,  won’t, 
becoz,  wile  he  wuz  in  command  he  laid,  in  the  swamps  uv  the 
Chickhominy,  the  foundashen  for  a purty  heavy  draft ; besides, 
he  is  still  drawin  pay  ez  a ginral  in  this  unholy  croosade. 
The  War  Dimekrats  won’t,  coz,  ez  a orfiser  operatin  agin  the 
South,  he  wuz  not  eggsactly  a Napoleon.  Indeed,  a ag- 
greeved  frend  uv  mine  from  Georgy  likend  him  unto  a kickin 
shot-gun  — dangerous  only  to  them  ez  held  it.  He  hasn’t  the 
elements  uv  success  in  him,  ez  I kin  see.  He  wuzn’t  born  uv 
poor  but  honest  parence ; he  never  druv  horses  on  the  canal ; 
he  dident  study  rithmetic  by  the  fire  in  a log-cabin ; neether 
did  he  walk  barefoot,  in  the  dead  uv  winter,  thirteen  miles,  to 
beg  a Congressman  to  git  him  into  West  Pint.  There’s  no 
precedent  for  his  nominashen.  My  second  reason  is : 


THE  PARABLE  OF  THE  CIRCUS  RIDER. 


115 


2d.  Ef  electid,  he  woodent  be  uv  any  yoose  to  me  and  sich 
ez  I am. 

Let  any  Dimekrat  who  hez  bin  waitin  for  offis  four  weary 
yeres,  look  at  this.  Who  is  his  frends  — his  neerest?  Wy, 
Fitsjon  Porter  and  that  clan.  I waz  a thinkin  uv  it  over,  and 
I bleev  iPll  do  ez  a rool,  that  the  court-marsheld  and  dismist 
orfisers  are  all  Micklellan  men ; and,  wen  I kum  to  think  uv  it, 
I never  knew  a deserter  that  wuzn’t.  Uv  course  he’d  hev  to 
pervide  for  em,  and  wher’d  be  our  chance?  Wy,  ther’s  enuff 
uv  these  to  fill  all  the  orfises,  from  Secertary  uv  State  down  to 
the  umblest  post-orifis. 

Agin : Spose  that,  ez  soon  ez  he’s  electid,  he  shood  conclood 
not  to  hev  peace,  and  shood  undertake  to  finish  the  war  hisself. 
It  wood  be  jest  like  him,  coz  he  reely  hez  a ijee  that  he’s  a 
gineral.  Then  the  sponsibility  uv  his  doins  wood  rest  with 
the  Dimokrasy,  'wich  Hevin  forbid.  To  think  uv  us  bein  spon- 
sible for  a Peninsooler  campane  ! Uv  course,  the  Dimokrasy 
wood  then  hev  to  volunteer.  Think  uv  his  leavin  a hundred 
and  twenty  thousend  ded  Dimekrats  atwixt  Washinton  and 
Richmond ! He  wuz  all  well  enuff  wen  the  men  to  be  left 
with  ther  toes  up  wuz  Ablishnists.  It  wood  be  sooiside  on  an 
onparalleld  scale  to  trust  him  with  that  many  Dimekrats. 
Agin  I say,  Heavin  forbid ! 

We  want  a peace  man.  There’s  no  room  for  us  anywheres 
else ; neether  kin  Ave  face  two  ways.  1 Avunst  attendid  a cir- 
kus,  and  beheld  Avith  astonishment  the  trooly  grate  feets  uv 
hossmanship  and  sich.  Wun  rider,  Avho  avuz  also  the  moral 
and  instructive  injy-rubber  man,  avuz  intoxicatid,  and  conseetid 
he  cood  ride  tAvo  bosses,  each  goin  a diffrent  Avay.  Tyin  his 
feet  to  the  spiritid  steeds,  he  startid  em ; but,  alars  ! in  a sec- 
ond he  wuz  ript  in  two  pieces,  and  the  arena  avuz  drencht 
Avith  his  goar.  Let  us  take  Avarnin  by  his  sad  fate.  Our  boss 
is  not  a Avar-hoss  — his  naim  is  Peace,  and  we  must  hev  a man 
upon  whose  garments  ther  is  no  smell  uv  blood.  The  gentle 
Brite,  the  grate  Yallandigum,  the  akoot  Fernandywood,  the 
elegant  Samcox,  any  Avun  uv  that  pecoolyer  stripe  Avill  do  us, 
and  give  us  ground  to  go  on. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


116 


ROBEET  TOOMS  PUNT. 


XLII. 

ORDAINS  A MISSIONARY. 

s Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  i 

March  the  17th,  1864.  ) 

Last  Sunday  we  hed  an  improvin  season.  Robert  Tooms 
Punt,  who  hez  bin  a studyin  for  the  ministry  with  me  for  the 
past  four  weeks,  wuz  licenst  and  ordained.  He  is  a youth  uv 
much  promise.  He  votid  twict  for  Bookannon,  and  only  18 
yeres  old,  swarin  his  votes  in  with  a coolnis  and  ease  that 
eggscitid  the  admirashen  uv  the  patriarks  at  the  biznis.  I kin 
safely  say  that  he  hez  whaled  more  Ablishnists,  bustid  more 
Methodist  Brethrin,  and  other  hetrodox  Churches,  than  any 
Dimekrat  uv  his  age  in  the  Stait.  He  hez  a brilliant  future. 

After  the  usual  questions  wuz  put  to  him,  and  satisfactorily 
ansered,  the  congregashen  wuz  dismist,  and,  in  the  presence 
uv  the  elders  and  deacons  alone,  I delivered  the  folleriii 
charge. 

Brother:  Hevin  bin  reglerly  ordained,  it  only  remains  for 
me  to  give  yoo  a word  uv  council.  Yoo  are  a goin  into  the 
apossel  biznis  at  a rather  unfavorable  time.  Man,  wich  is  born 
uv  woman,  hez  trouble  for  his  inheritance.  IVe  hed  so  much 
uv  it  that,  ef  I hed  it  to  do  over  agin,  I woodent  be  born 
at  all. 

The  politikle  heavins  is  orecast  with  portenshus  clouds. 
The  litenin  uv  wrath  is  leapin  frum  wun  to  another,  whilst  the 
thunder,  wich  wuz  Avunst  at  a distance,  now  roars  angrily  in 
our  ears.  The  ole  ship  Dimokrasy  is  tossin  madly  onto  the 
wild  Avaves,  with  nary  a sale  set,  her  seams  open,  the  Avater 
(a  furrin  element  to  her  insides)  a rushin  in.  The  stiddiest 
part  uv  her  creAv  hev  seezed  the  boats  and  abandoned  her,  and 
the  rest  uv  em  are  a fitin  for  the  helm. 

In  the  mean  time  the  old  ship  is  dashin  past  the  haven  uv 
Success,  and  is  headin  strate  for  the  rocks  uv  Destrucshen. 
To  yoo  is  intrusted  a part  uv  the  work  uv  savin  her.  Let  me 
entreat  yoo  — • 

1.  Avoid  the  soljers.  With  them  yoo  hev  nothin  in  common. 


RULES  FOR  A DEMOCRATIC  MISSIONARY. 


117 


They  will  de spitefully  use  yoo.  Wunst  a party  uv  em  made 
me  drink  a pint  uv  water  and, take  the  oath  uv  allegianse, 
wich  outrages  wuz  follered  by  conjestion  uv  the  bowils  and 
inflamashen  uv  the  brain. 

2.  Alluz  preech  agin  the  nigger.  It’s  soothin  to  a ginooine, 
constooshnel,  suthern-rites  Dimekrat  to  be  constantly  told  that 
ther  is  a race  uv  men  meaner  than  he  is.  Besides,  it’s  safe  — 
the  nigger  hez  no  vote.  Ef  he  hed,  we  might  vary. 

3.  Alluz  hev  a marter.  The  stait-rites  Dimokrasy  alluz 
sympathize  with  a man  that’s  in  baste  els  for  sympathii^in  with 
the  South,  for  nun  uv  em  know  how  soon  their  turn  may 
come. 

4.  Preech  agin  amalgamashen  at  leest  four  Sundays  per 

month.  A man  uv  straw  that  yoo  set  up  yerself  is  the  easiest 
knockt  down,  pertikelerly  if  yoo  set  him  up  with  a view  uv 
knockin  uv  him  down.  v 

5.  Alluz  diloot  yoor  whisky  for  new  converts.  It  takes  much 
to  convert  a Ablishnist,  and  ef  yoo  use  the  pure  artikle,  it 
wood  kill  a ordnary  constooslm  afore  he’d  hev  time  to  vote, 
wich  wood  be  aggervatin. 

6.  Sarch  the  skripters  faithfully  for  sich  passages  ez  Cussid 
be  Kanan,”  Servance,  obey  yoor  masters,”  and  sich. 

7.  Learn  to  read,  or  at  least  git  the  shape  uv  the  letters  so 
fixt  in  yoor  mind  that  when  yoo  quote  from  a book  or  noose- 
paper,  you  will  hold  it  rite  side  up.  Eddicashen  hez  bin  a 
grate  help  to  me. 

8.  Learn  to  spell  and  pronounce  Missenegenegenashun.  It’s 
a good  word. 

The  great  leadin  ijees  uv  our  sect,  wich  it  is  yoor  dooty  to 
inculcate,  is  these  : The  nigger’s  a ape,  Linkin  a goriller,  Jeff 
Davis  a chrischen  gentleman,  the  rebellion  a struggle  for  rites, 
the  soljer  a bluddy  tool,  Benbutler  a beast,  et  settry.  Yoo  are 
never  to  bleeve  in  Fedral  victorys,  but  must  alluz  credit 
Confedrit  successes.  I woodent  advise  yoo  to  let  yoor  faith  in 
the  Confedrisy  go  so  fur  as  to  take  their  skrip  on  yer  salary, 
neither  wood  I burn  greenbax.  I hev  dun.  Go,  my  brother. 
Let  yer  polar  star  be  Dimokrasy,  yer  rallyin  cry,  The 
Yoonyun  ez  it  wuz  — the  Constooshn  ez  it  is,”  wich  is  latitood- 
inus  ; fite  the  good  fite,  and  the  day  will  cum  wen  yoo  kin  lay 


118 


A PSALM  OF  praise!^ 

orf  yer  armor,  and  with  P.  M.’’  after  yoor  name,  enjoy  the 
repose  that  allnz  follows  well-directid  and  viggerus  effort. 

Brother  Punt  startid  to-day  for  Suthern  Illinoy,  wher  he  hez 
a congregashen. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


XLIII. 

. GIVES  THANKS. 

Church  fv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  > 
May  the  4th,  1864.  ) 

To  THE  Fatheful  : The  recent  victrys  acheevd  by  our 
frends  in  the  South  is  worthy  uv  speshel  thanksgivin.  I 
therefore  direct  that  the  follerin  sam  shel  be  chantid  in  evry 
church  on  the  last  Sundy  in  May : 

A SAM  uv  PRAISE  ! 

I wuz  cast  down  and  trodden  under  foot. 

Becoz  the  wicked  wuz  exalted,  and  the  saints  wuz  umbled. 

Becoz  the  people  worshipt  Linkin  and  spat  upon  Yallandigum; 
becoz  they  trustid  Chase,  and  woodent  hev  nothin  to  do  with 
Fernandywood  at  no  price. 

Becoz  the  hosts  uv  Linkin  pervaded  over  the  hosts  uv  Jeff. 

Therefore  my  mind  wuz  troubled,  and  my  sole  wuz  con- 
stipated. 

And  I cast  ashes  upon  my  head,  and  bewailed,  sayin : 

Wo  is  me. 

Linkin  will  agin  sit  in  high  places  — him  and  his  servance — - 
and  we  shel  hunt  our  holes. 

Ther  shel  be  uv  apointments  and  places  uv  profit  a thousand 
and  ten-skore,  but  for  us  nary  avuu. 

Our  enemies  shel  hev  post-orifises  and  shel  be  clothed  in 
goodly  raiment,  while  we  shel  hev  to  dig  or  beg. 


WITH  A TRULY  DEMOCRATIC  RESOLUTION.  119 

Our  food  shel  be  sorrer,  and  our  whisky  shel  be  made  weak 
with  our  own  tears. 

Thus  wept  we. 

But  our  sorrer  wuz  turnd  to  joy  and  our  wailings  to  gladnis. 

For  Forrest  hath  smote  the  niggers  at  Fort  Pillow,  and  spared  « 
not  one. 

And  Dick  Taylor  hez  whipt  Banks  at  Red  River. 

And  Hoke  hez  tooken  Plymouth,  and  slayed  the  defenders, 
thereof. 

And  Lee,  him  who  aforetime  spiled  Micklellan,  and  Burnside, 
and. Hooker,  shel  chaw  up  Grant;  yea,  he  will  bust  him. 

And  he  shel  take  Washinton  ; and  Linkin,  and  Chase,  and 
Seward  shel  be  hung  upon  a gallus  forty  kubits. 

Then  shel  the  faithful  hev  ther  rewards,  and  be  happy  for 
keeps. 

For  niggers  shel  be  plenty,  and  evry  wun  shel  hev  uv  them 
men-servants  and  maid-servants,  and  home-made  servants,  and 
conkebines. 

And  the  rivers  shel  be  whisky,  and  the  banks  thereof  sugar, 
and  the  faithful  shel  drink  their  fill. 

And  I shel  borrer  no  more  ; for,  lo  ! I shel  revel  upon  the 
spoils  uv  the  Abolish. 

And  my  nose  shel  shine  ez  the  fire,  and  my  face  shel  glisten 
with  fatnis. 

Sing  a new  song,  0 my  people,  for  uv  late  did  ye  sing  small ! 

Make  a joyful  noise,  for  yer  enemies  shel  be  put  under  yer 
feet,  and  you  shel  hev  post-orifises. 

Note  to  the  Pastors.  — Ef  Grant  whips  Lee,  make  a fast 
uv  the  day,  and  omit  the  last  half  uv  the  sam. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sect  Church,  in  charge. 


120 


A LAMENfATION. 


XLIV. 

WAILETH. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 
May  the  16th,  1864.  J 

To  THE  Churches  : A calamity  liez  befallen  us ! Lee  is 

whaled.  This  afflicshun  hez  bin  sent  for  sum  good  purpus. 
We  hev  not  bin  faithful,  and  hev  bin  chastized.  0,  how  we 
must  hev  neglectid  our  dooties,  to  hev  brot  this  upon  us  ! Hev 
Ave  resistid  drafts  ez  we  shood  ? Hev  we  bin  instant,  in  season 
and  out  uv  season,  in  killin  niggers?  Hev  Ave  used  doo  dili- 
gense  in  mobbin  hetrodox  Churches?  For  these  and  other 
short-comins  Ave  are  now  payin.  The  follerin  sam  uv  hoomilia- 
shen  will  be  chantid  on  the  second  Sunday  uv  Joon,  in  all  the 
Churches  in  my  diocese  : — 

A WALE  ! 

Lift  up  yer  voices  mournfly,  0 my  people  ! 

HoavI,  0 ye  saints ! howl  like  unto  the  hungry  wolf  and  the 
disapinted  jackal. 

Cry  out  like  Avun  Avho  hath  a great  pain  — like  him  who  suf- 
freth  with  belly-ake. 

Cast  ashes  upon  yer  head,  0 FernandyAvood,  and  clothe  yer- 
self  in  sack-cloth. 

Hev  another  colleckshun  taken  up,  0 Yallandigum,  and  pay 
yer  board  a year  or  tAvo  in  advance,  for  yer  exel  is  lengthened. 

Weep  and  Avale,  and  gnash  yer  teeth,  0 Dimokrasy,  for  yoo 
hev  bin  measured,  and  yer  coffin  ordered,  and  the  day  uv  yer 
funeral  apinted ; and  lo  ! the  corpse  Avill  be  ready. 

For  the  biter  hez  bin  bit ; yea,  the  strong  man  hez  bin  over- 
come. 

Grant,  Avho  avuz  to  hev  bin  Avhipt,  avuz  not  whipt;  on  the 
contrary,  quite  the  reverse. 

And  Lee,  him  we  sot  our  harts  upon,  hez  bin  beaten,  and 
grate  hez  bin  the  slawter  uv  his  host. 

And  Beast  Butler  will  take  Richmond,  and  will  not  be  hangd, 
ez  we  prayd.  ' 


A TERRIBLE  BEREAVEMENT. 


121 


And  the  Confedracy  will  be  strangled,  and  Linkin  will  be 
President,  and  the  offisis  Avill  be  lost  to  us  forever  and  forever. 

Uv  wat  avale  to  us  wuz  Fort  Filler,  or  Plymouth,  or  Fed 
Eiver  ? Lo  ! they  were  but  flea-bites  on  the  back  uv  a giant. 

For  in  Virginny  hev  we  bin  chawed  up  egrejis. 

And  our  week-kneed  wuns,  them  ez  wantid  peace  last  month, 
hev  become  blud-thirsty,  and  hooror  for  Linkin. 

Wale,  ye  saints  ! 

For  we  hev  chained  ourselves  to  a corpse,  and  the  corpse 
stinketh. 

Die,  0 Micklellan,  for  yoo  woodent  sell  at  the  rate  uv  a dol- 
lar a dozen,  ef  playd-out  genrals  wuz  in  demand. 

Thou,  too,  0 Vallandigum,  for  yer  marterdum  woodent  win. 

Steel  viggerusly,  O Fernandywood,  for  it’s  yer  last  chance. 

For  wen  the  grate  South  Addled  did  we  not  alluz  dance  ? 
and  now  that  she  dieth,  shall  we  not  go  and  do  likewise  ? 

t Petroleum. 

I am  well-nigh  distractid  ! For  forty  years  the  Dimekratik 
party  hez  bin  to  me,  literally,  vittles  and  drink.  For  forty 
years  hez  it  bin  my  pleasin  and  profitable  dooty  to  lead  a Dime- 
kratik flock,  livin  luxuriusly  off  uv  the  sheerins.  My  dream  is 
ore.  In  a few  short  months  there  won’t  be  no  Dimokrasy,  and 
wat  then?  I ain’t  adaptid  to  no  other  party.  Wunst  1 under- 
took to  pass  myself  off  ez  a Republikin,  at  wun  uv  ther  con- 
venshuns. 

My  jentle  frend,”  did  wun  uv  them  remark,  scanning  my 
gigantik  nose,  wich  is  the  beauty  and  glory  uv  my  face,  my 
jentle  frend,  art  thou  wun  uv  us?” 

Verily  am  I,”  sez  I. 

Well,”  sez  he,  looking  at  my  nose  agin,  ef  yoo  wuz  in  my 
township,  and  wantid  to  act  with  us,  I shood  require  bonds.” 

I mite  start  a grocery,  but  ef  the  Dimekratik  party  expires, 
wat’ll  that  biznis  be  worth  ? 

In  my  old  age  am  I bereeved. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


122 


A RAY  OF  LIGHT. 


XLV. 

FREMONT’S  NOMINATION. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 
June  the  2d,  18G4.  ) 

Halleloogy ! 

Now  is  the  winter  uv  our  discontent  made  glorious  summer. 
The  clouds  that  o’ercast  our  politicle  horizon  is  broke,  and  rays 
from  the  sun  uv  success  hev  pierced  em,  gildin  the  noses  uv 
the  faithful  with  a radiance  that  whisky  cannot  give. 

Honey  hez  cum  out  uv  a carkis  — good  hez  perceeded  from 
Nazzareth.  The  Radikels  hev  nominated  Fremont !.  Halle- 
loogy ! They  did  it  at  Cleveland. 

I never  votid  for  Fremont.  In  ’56  I didn’t  like  him  — in 
fact,  I aboosed  him.  I laft  at  him  for  partin  his  hair  in  the 
middle ; I accoosed  him  uv  being  a Catholic,  and  uv  stealin  cat- 
tle from  the  guverment.  Wen  Linkin  appinted  him  genral,  I 
aboosed  him  agin,  and  more  than  ever  wen  he  ishood  his  Eman- 
sipashen  Proclamashen. 

But  now  I diskiver  that  I hev  did  him  a grievous  wrong. 
The  most  becomin  way  a man  kin  part  his  hair  is  in  the  mid- 
dle ; the  steelin  uv  cattle  from  guverment  is  a act  that  no  man 
who  supported  Bookannon  can  condemn,  and  his  Abolishnism  — 
why,  he’s  to  be  pitied  for  that. 

Uv  course  no  Dimekrat  can  vote  for  him,  for  there  is  a triflin 
difference  in  our  principles ; yet  about  a half  uv  the  Abolishn 
party  ought  to  do  it  by  all  means.  John  C.  is  the  man  for 
them,  ondoubtedly. 

But  whether  he  gets  many  votes  or  few,  his  bein  nominated 
is  salvashen  to  us.  Every  vote  he  gits  Linkin  won’t  git,  and 
then  what  — 

This  letter  of  rejoicing  was  called  forth  by  the  nomination  of  General  John  C. 
Fremont  for  the  Presidency,  and  General  John  Cochrane,  of  New  York,  for  the 
Vice-Presidency,  by  a portion  of  the  Republicans  who  were  dissatisfied  with 
some  acts  of  tlie  Administration,  sucli  as  the  supercedure  of  Fremont,  the  re- 
moval of  General  Butler  from  his  command  at  New  Orleans,  &c.  It  is  due  to 
General  Fremont,  however,  that,  in  the  most  patriotic  spirit,  he  withdrew  his 
name  from  the  canvass  at  an  early  day,  and  heartily  advocated  Mr.  Lincoln’s 
re-election. 


THE  RETURN  OF  AN  EXILE. 


123 


The  bare  thot  almost  overpowers  me.  We  kin  elect  a 
Dimekrat ! 

This  movement  puts  h new  face  upon  affairs.  We  needn’t 
be  pertikelerly  anxshus  any  more  for  Lee’s  success  ; in  fact,  I 
bleeve  it  wood  be  better  for  us  to  hev  Grant  whip  Lee  and 
take  Richmond.  For  why  ? Becoz.  Spozn  about  the  time 
the  Confederasy  is  playd  out  we  elect  a Dimekrat,  and  spozn 
that  Dimekrat  lets  up  on  em,  restores  ther  niggers,  pardons 
em,  pays  ther  debts,  compensates  them  ez  hez  sustained  losses 
in  the  war,  and  penshuns  ther  widders,  woodent  they  let  us 
hev  the  heft  uv  the  orfisis  awhile  ? Uv  course  they  wood. 

I segest  that  the  committies  who  are  takin  up  colleckshuns 
for  Vallandigum  send  the  money  forthwith  to  Fremont’s 
Execootive  Committy.  I shel  take  up  a colleckshun  in  my 
congregashen  immediately  for  that  purpose. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sect  Church,  in  charge. 


XLVI. 

THE  RETURN  OF  YALLANDIGHAM. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  i 
June  the  21st,  1864.  ) 

Joy  to  the  world  — Yallandigum  is  come  ! The  grate  exile, 
in  defiance  uv  the  edix  uv  a usurpin  despot,  hez  returnd  to 
his  native  soil ! Glory  ! My  buzm  swells  with  emoshun,  and  I 
leap  for  joy.  Welkum,  Yallandigum  ! 


About  the  time  this  letter  is  dated,  Mr.  Vallandigham,  becoming  weary  of 
playing  the  part  of  a martyr  and  exile,  returned  to  his  home  in  Ohio.  If  he 
expected  any  attempt  on  the  part  of  the  government  to  make  a hero  of  him 
again  further  attention,  he  was  quite  disappointed,  for  he  has  remained  in 
political  obscurity  ever  since,  notwithstanding  very  persistent  attempts  on  his 
part  to  assume  prominence  in  the  Democratic  party.  The  government  felt 
that  it  had  nothing  to  fear  from  him,  and  his  former  political  friends  felt  that 
his  weight  was  greater  than  they  could  ever  afford  to  carry.  When  abroad  as 
a suffering  martyr  in  exile,  he  served  a purpose,  but  his  return  was  the  last 
thing  they  wished  for. 


124 


MIXED  JOY. 


Overjoyd  ez  I am,  my  sensasliens  are  not  all  pleasurable. 
The  return  uv  the  distingisht  champion  uv  Suthrin  rites  is 
sumwat  embarrassin.  The  trooth  is,  Vallandigum  wuz  not  jest 
the  man  we  wanted  for  a leeder.  He  hez  tongue,  without 
discreshun,  wich  qualitis  hez  mind  many  buddin  geniuses. 
Such  men  kin  alluz  succeed  in  kickin  up  a dust,  but,  forchu- 
nately,  they  alluz  git  smothered  in  it.  Vallandigum’s  weeknis 
is  — Yallandigum.  Shet  him  up  in  a sekloodid  spot,  wher  he 
hed  noboddy  to  blather  to  about  hisself,  and  he’d  expire  in 
disgust  in  a week.  To  resoom. 

His  return  is  unfortunit,  becoz  — 

What  will  we  do  with  him  ? Under  his  leadership,  we  wuz 
bein  redoost  to  a very  small  pint,  so  small  indeed  that  we  wuz 
''jest  ready  to  bury.  At  this  crisis,  Linkin  he  ups  and  arrests 
him.  Wat  a turn  that  wuz  for  us  ! It  wuz  a double-actin  lee- 
ver  that  lifted  us  two  ways,  to-wit : we  got  shet  uv  Vallandi- 
gum,  who  wuz  a unmixt  noosance  here.  It  convertid  a 
noosance  into  a marter,  wich  wuz  wat  we  wantid,  and  give  us 
ground  to  go  on. 

Yallandigum  ort  to  hev  bin  more  grateful  than  to  hev  bustid 
this  arrangement  by  comin  back.  Hed  he  stayd,  a poor  exile 
on  a furrin  shore,  a strainin  uv  his  eyes  to  git  even  a faint 
glimpse  uv  his  native  land,  until  the  campane  wuz  two  thirds 
over,  and  then  committed  sooiside  jest  afore  eleckshun,  in  a fit 
uv  temprary  insanity  brot  on  by  greef,  and  sorrer,  and  wo,  and 
sich,  it  wood  hev  bin  hunky.  His  funeral  wood  hev  bin  profit- 
able to  us,  for  he  is  like  the  gentle  hog,  a heavy  expense  to  his 
owner  wile  livin,  and  uv  no  earthly  profit  to  him  till  he  dies. 

Agin.  Ther’s  no  call  for  takin  up  colleckslmns  any  more  for 
his  benefit,  and  — away  goes  the  cheef  inkum,  not  only  uv 
myself,  but  uv  half  the  Dimokratik  politishns  uv  the  Stait.  I 
shel  hev  to  deny  myself  uv  all  luxoories  frum  this  time  out. 

Wat  kin  we  do  with  him  ? He  heznt  the  knack  uv  sayin 
two  things  at  wun  say,  and  nuthin  else  will  do  us.  Wen  the 
party  wuz  a settin  its  face  mildly  aginst  slavery,  to  fool  the 
Free-silers,  he  wuz  for  eradikatin  the  evil.  Now,  wen  we  air 
pintin  mildly  Southward,  he’s  declarin  for  em  openly,  in  his 
usual  loonatik  stile. 

To  conklood.  I love  Yallandigum;  but  ef  Linkin  wood 


THE  CORRECT  IDEA  OF  THE  AFRICAN.  125 

arrest  him  and  immure  him  in  the  darkest  dunjun  in  Fort  Warin, 
or  hang  him,  or  marter  him  in  any  manner,  he  wood  trooly  confer 
a favor  on  the  undersined,  and  the  entire  Dimekratik  party. 
Then  wood  we  carry  his  deceest  karkis  thro  the  North,  with 
suthin  to  show  on  our  chargis  uv  tyranny.  But  with  Vallandi- 
gum  at  liberty  and  in  good  health,  the  fust,  last,  and  only  victim 
uv  unconstooshnel  usurpashen  is  gone,  and  with  it  our  capital. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  CliurcJij  in  charge. 

— 

XLVII. 

DEFINES  HIS  POSITION,  AND  APPEALS  FOR  AID. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ^ 
July  the  3d,  1864.  ) 

The  Methodist,  Presbyterian,  Lutheran,  and  other  hetrodox 
Churches,  are,  to-day,  the  most  hefty  obstacles  in  the  path  uv 
the  Dimokrasy  ; and,  to  successfully  opose  em,  I institootid 
the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  uv  wich  I am  paster  uv 
sed  Church,  in  charge.  Wat  the  Dimokrasy  now  want  is 
Church  extension : hence  this  sppeal. 

Dimokrasy  is  built  upon  the  one  ijee  that  the  nigger  is  a 
babboon.  ThaPs  our  corner-stun  — knock  it  out,  and  the 
entire  fabric  tumbles. 

The  hetrodox  Churches  insist  that  the  nigger  is  human,  and 
that  he  hez  a sole  to  saiv  and  fit  it  for  the  skies.  This  doctrin, 
ef  it  pervales,  knocks  Dimokrasy  higher  than  a kite.  For 
why  ? Bekause : ef  the  nigger’s  human,  and  not  a beast, 
wher’s  slavery  ? Ekko  answers.  No  where.  Because : the 
commandment  sez,  “ Thou  shalt  not  steal,”  et  settry.  Ef  the 
nigger’s  a man,  we  steal  wen  we  take  his  labor.  Ef  he’s  a 
beast,  wy,  then,  we  hev  dominion  over  him,  and  may  use  him 
ez  we  do  the  pashent  ox.  The  pint  is  plane. 

The  Democratic  divines  — there  were  but  few  of  them  — took,  during  the 
first  years  of  the  war,  precisely  this  ground  in  defence  of  the  institution  which 
had  been  made  the  corner-stone  of  the  party. 


126 


THE  ETHIOPIAN  A BABOON. 


The  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensaslmn,  uv  wich  I am  paster 
uv  sed  Chhrch,  in  charge,  devotes  its  entire  intellek  to  con- 
strooin  the  Skripters  in  accordence  with  the  Dimekratik  ijee. 

Sum  uv  our  brethren,  who  still  hev  Methodist  and  Presby- 
terin  sooperstishuns  into  em,  appologize  for  their  support  uv 
the  grate  instooshn,  by  insistin  that  they  bring  the  Afrikin 
over  to  this  country  for  the  purpose  uv  chrischenizin  uv  him. 
Away  with  sich  nonsence  ! Idl  none  uv  it.  Is  it  'chrischen- 
like  to  ceeze  a man  in  his  native  land  and  bring  him  to  a furrin 
shore  agin  his  will  ? Agin  : Ef  thaPs  evangelikle,  is  it  proper 
to  maik  the  forsibly  evangelizd  heathen  work  for  his  board  and 
wun  soot  uv  cheap  close,  per  annum,  continooally  bein  per- 
swadid  to  renood  effort  by  the  cat-o’-nine  tales  ? Ther  is  grate 
gain  in  sich  godlinis  — at  least  500  per  cent.  Most  anybody 
will  go  into  the  mishnary  biznis  on  them  terms,  I,  Aveek  ez  I 
am,  kin  bare  sich  a cross.  Besides,  Aven  yoo’ve  got  a cargo 
convertid,  why  donT  yoo  send  em  back  ? Dost  thou  desire  to 
convert  their  children  ? 0,  mizable  subterfuge  ! Ef  the  pa- 

rience  wuz  convertid,  Avoodent  the  children  be  ? Ef  that’s  yer 
ijee,  what  do  ye  sell  em  for?  Hev  yoo  took  a morgage  onto 
em  for  expenses  incurd  in  bringin  uv  em  here,  and  hev  yoo  the 
poAver  uv  foreclosin  ? 

Bosh!  Ef  they’re  human,  they  hev  a Avarranty  deed  for 
their  bodies  and  soles,  the  same  ez  Ave  hev.  Hence,  ez  slavery 
is  nessary  to  the  Dimekratik  party,  Ave  must  defend  it  on  solid 
ground. 

Therefore  my  Church,  uv  wich  I am  sed  paster,  in  charge, 
strikes  out  boldly,  and  teaches  that  a nigger  is  a BABBOON  — 
a beast.  Wen  Avild,  he’s  anybody’s  property  that  capchers  and 
tames  him ; after  Avich,  him  and  his  young  is  abslootly  his,  to 
do  Avith  as  seemeth  good  in  his  site.  (Blackstun.) 

Troo,  amalgamashen,  Avich  alluz  appears  to  be  practist  wher 
the  instooshn  exists,  is  agin  us,  for  Aven  a slave  hez  a man  for  a 
father,  he’s  only  half  babboon.  But  I never  seed  any  Dime- 
kratic  principle  that  hedn’t  a week  pint  in  it.  • 

We  Avant  money  to  establish  our  Church.  We  must  send 
mishnaries  to  Northrin  Illinoy,  to  the  Western  Reserve,  and  to 
Massachoositts.  It  takes  money  for  our  preachers  to  live  now, 
for  Avhisky  is  10  cents  per  drink,  even  in  the  most  obskoor 
doggerys.  Men  and  brethrin,  kum  to  our  aid. 


SEPARATION  FROM  THE  EAST. 


127 


We  hev  no  lack  nv  labrers  in  this  grate  vinyard.  Evny  yere 
the  other  Churches  expel  more  or  less  uv  their  preachers,  for 
irregularitis  in  swappin  bosses,  and  for  extreme  conviviality 
and  sich,  who  are  willin  to  be  reseevd  into  our  buzm.  They 
are  ready ; all  we  want  is  means  to  set  em  aflote. 

Remittencies  uv  10  cents  and  upwards  thankfly  reseeved. 
I’m  President,^  Secretary,  Treasurer,  and  Board  uv  Trustees 
uv  the  Associashen.  Remit  librally  and  to-wunst.  The  high 
character  uv  the  offishary  is  suffishent  garantee  that  the  money 
will  be  properly  applied. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

* Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


XLVIII. 

DECLARES  FOR  REPUDIATIOxY  AND  UNION  WITH 

THE  SOUTH. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  > 
July  the  10th,  1864.  ) 

I HEV  made  up  my  mind  that  the  Southrin  Confedrisy  is  a 
success,  and  that  my  fondest  hopes  is  about  bein  realizd.  Troo, 
the  next  blast  that  sweeps  from  the  South  may  bring  to  our 
ears  the  news  uv  Lee’s  defeat,  but  at  present  writin  things  is 
favorable.  Watfollers? 

Its  plane  that  the  Dimokrasy  kin  never  live  in  peace  with 
Noo  England,  We  cood  endoor  it  wen  we  hed  the  Suthrin 
States  to  balence  em  at  the  poles,  for  whenever  wun  uv  em 
startid  a noosepaper,  or  went  a lecturin  out  West  to  spread  Noo 
England  ijees,  we  suspendid  the  liberty  uv  the  press  and  uv 
speech,  by  hangin  the  lecturer  and  smashin  the  press,  wich 
is  Dimokrasy. 

The  North-west  must  cut  off  from  the  East,  with  a view  uv 
jinin  the  Confedrisy.  Uv  course,  that  nashen  woodent  take  us 
with  a debt  on  our  shoulders,  for  they  wood  hev  to  repoodiate 
it ; and  they  are  a gentlemanly  style  uv  people,  who  won’t  do 


128 


A GORGEOUS  PROSPECT. 


a dirty  thing  ef  they  kin  git  sumbody  else  to  do  it  for  em,  wich 
they  hev  never  failed  to  do,  sence  they  bought  us  Dimekrats 
up.  Hence,  they  would  require  repoodiashen,  wich  we  wood 
do  gladly  and  willinly,  for  these  reasons,  to- wit : — 

1.  It  woodent  tech  many  uv  the  faitheful,  ez  them  holdin 
greenbax  and  guverment  bonds  are  almost  excloosivly  Ablish- 
nists.  Therefore,  it  wood  be  a punishin  uv  our  ^enemies. 

2.  Ez  a rool,  the  Ablishnists  wood  leave  the  country  in  dis- 
gust, wich  is  benefishl  in  two  ways  : givin  the  Dimokrasy  a 
clean  sweep,  and  enablin  evry  indivijjle  uv  em  to  git  wun  uv 
their  farms  — the  only  way  we’ll  ever  git  em. 

Then  we’d  hev  slavery  in  the  North-west.  Eckstatic  thot ! 
My  heart  dilates  at  the  bare  ijee  ! I,  Nasby,  who  hez  bin  re- 
foozd  credit  for  likker  — whose  throat  hez  bin  parcht  becoz 
the  dime  wuz  not  — who  hez  bin  obleeged  to  obtain  his  licker 
to  sustane  eggistense  by  stratejy  — Nasby,  P.  V.,  will  hev  a 
plantashen  and  — Niggers  ! Won’t  I demonstrate  the  sooperi- 
ority  uv  the  Anglo-Sacksun  over  the  Afrikin,  by  wallopin  em ! 
Perhaps  not ! Won’t  I hev  niggers  for  carpenters,  and  black- 
smiths, and  bricklayers,  and  sich?  Won’t  we  clean  out  the 
poor  people,  and  establish  a genooine  aristocrisy  — ownin  labor 
instid  uv  hirin  it  ? Won’t  we,  the  sooperior  class,  dodge  the 
cuss  uv  labor  — fillin  our  quota  uv  sed  cuss  by  puttin  in  nig- 
ger substitoots  ? Won’t  I spend  my  days  a suckin  cocktales 
and  my  nites  at  poker,  sellin  a family  every  now  and  then  to 
keep  up  finances  ? That’s  happinis  condenst  — that’s  my  ijee 
uv  a terresterial  paradise. 

' Hasten  thy  work,  0 Lee  ! Make  thyself  strong,  0 Boregard  ! 
Be  wise  and  bold,  0 Johnson  ! Go  forrerd  in  yer  nigger-killin, 
0 Forist ! and  0,  Davis  ! (Jefferson)  may  yoo  manage  the  helm 
ez  well  ez  they  execoot  yer  commands  ! These  is  my  prayer  ! 

For  wun  victry  for  Lee,  and  a short  crop,  addid  to  the  taxis, 
and  the  drafts,  and  sich,  will  turn  enufif  week  Ablishnists  into 
peece  men  to  bust  Linkin,  and  elect  a peace  man.  Then  will  I 
assoom  the  spee'r  in  wich  I am  fittid  to  move. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Palter  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


SUCCESS  KOT  DESIRABLE. 


129 


XLIX. 

SHOWS  THAT  A WAH  PLATFORM  WON’T  DO  FOR 
THE  DEMOCRACY. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 
July  the  17th,  1864.  ^ 

It  is  probable,  yes,  I may  say,  tolable  certain,  that  P.  Y. 
Nasby,  wich  is  preecber  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge,  may  retire 
from  publick  life  shortly.  Why  ? methinks  I heer  the  entire 
Dimekratik  party,  who  hev  long  regarded  me  as  a ornament  to 
my  sex,  and  the  wun  altogether  luvly,  exclame.  The  why  is 
plane  to  a massive  intellek,  wich  is  me.  The  good  old  Dime- 
kratik party  is  on  the  strate  road  to  destruction,  and,  to  use  a 
railroad  mettyfor,  onless  it  is  swicht  off  at  Chicago,  it’s  a goner, 
and  the  more  it  succeeds  at  the  November  elecshun,  the  wus 
is  its  goneniss ! 

Singler  ! ” exclames  a patriotic  and  selt-sacrificin  Dimekrat, 
who  hez  a post-orifis  in  his  beemin  eye — singler  that  success 
shood  rooin  us.  Wy,  that’s  wat  we’re  goin  for.” 

Gently,  my  frend.  Uv  wat  avail  is  it  to  elect  a President 
in  sich  a way  ez  to  make  it  morally  certin  to  be  defeatid  ever 
after  ? Troo,  we’d  hev  the  post-orfisis ; but  with  a Ablishin 
Congris  to  watch  us,  wher’d  be  the  chances  uv  stealin,  nessary 
to  our  support  ? 

To  eloocydait.  The  Dimokrasy  hev  postponed  their  conven- 
shun  till  it  is  ascertained  how  Lee  vs.  Grant  comes  out.  Ef 
Lee  whales  Grant  — peace  platform.  Ef  Grant  whales  Lee  — 
war  platform.  Now  the  chances  air  that  Lee  will  be  whipt,  for 
the  tyrant  Linkin  hez  a spite  at  that  grate  and  good  man. 
Then  we’re  a war  party,  and  go  into  the  campain  on  the  cor- 
ruptnis  uv  the  Administrashen,  and  beat  em,  and  git  the  post- 
orifises.  Wat  then?  Wy  this.  The  war  is  OUR  war;  the 
taxis  is  OUR  taxis ; the  drafts  is  OUR  drafts,  and  WE  wood 

About  the  time  this  letter  was  written  the  managers  of  the  Democratic  party 
were  in  a great  puzzle  of  mind  what  tack  to  make  in  order  to  catch  the  most 
votes.  A great  deal  depended  on  the  issue  of  battles,  and  the  prospects  of  the 
war.  Those  who  remember  that  crisis  will  recognize  the  appositeness  of  these 
illustrations. 


9 


130 


AND  WHY. 


hev  the  responsibility  instid  uv  our  enemies.  Ez  a matter  uv 
course^  Dimekrats  wood  hev  to  do  the  volunteering  for  it  wood 
be  their  war,  and  the  armies  wood  hev  to  be  led  by  Dimekratik 
ginerals.  Good  hevins  ! Imagine  500,000  Dimekrats  under 
sich  ez  Micklellan  and  Duel!  Wat  a redoosin  uv  majorities  — 
wat  a waste  uv  votin  stock  ther  wood  be  ! 

The  troo  polisy  for  us  is  peace.  Ez  a peace  party,  we  are 
certin  uv  gettin  the  support  uv  these  classis,  to-wit : — 

The  stingy  cnsses,  who  object  to  pay  in  taxis. 

The  cowardly  cusses,  who  are  afraid  uv  bein  drafted. 

Every  draft  and  every  new  tax  adds  to  our  ranks  ; so  fast, 
indeed,  that  ef  we  cood  stop  the  Methodist,  Presbyterian,  Lu- 
theran, etc.,  revivals  uv  religion,  and  git  whisky  back  to  old 
prices,  so  that  we  cood  afford  to  use  it  profoosely,  we  cood  be 
in  good  shape  next  fall. 

By  bein  a war  party  we  lose  all  these  people,  and  take  them 
out,  and,  in  the  name  of  Hevin,  Avat  Avood  be  left  uv  us  ! 

Peace  is  our  best  and  only  holt,  and,  onless  the  party  takes 
that  dodge,  I shel  retire,  for  Ave  can’t  win  but  wunst  on  war, 
and  then  the  responsibilities  we’d  hev  to  assoom  Avood  be  too 
much  for  us.  The  Dimekratik  intellek  is  not  hefty. 

Ez  for  myself,  I’ve  no  feers  — I kin  git  along.  There’s  small 
groceries  to  be  run ; and  the  retailin  uv  likker  in  a striktly 
Dimekratik  community,  where  they’d  work  jest  tAvelve  hours 
— - earnin  enuff  to  carry  em  thro  the  other  twelve  at  my  bar  — 
has  alluz  appered  to  me  to  be  the  highth  uv  earthly  bliss. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


THE  SPEECH  OF  THE  SAINTS. 


131 


L. 

HAS  A CLASS-MEETING,  AND  DEPRECATES  NEGRO- 
KILLING. 

Church  ut  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ^ 
July  the  SOtli,  16G4.  5 

Our  class  meetins  hev  bin  sumwat  neglected  uv  late.  Some- 
how, it  is  in  our  Church  ez  it  is  in  the  hetrodox  — we  are  hot 
and  cold  alternitly.  Last  Sunday  we  hed-a  preshus  season. 

Brother  Siples  spoke.  He  confest  that  he  wuz  a weak 
mortal.  He  hed  his  ups  and  downs,  bad.  Whenever  Grant 
and  Sherman  died  a success,  his  faith  failed  him  ; and  some- 
times he  hed  difficulty  in  comin  to  time  even  wen  Lee  whipt 
Grant.  But  he  hed  recently  paid  $2  per  gallon  for  whisky,  and 
that  stirred  him.  With  one  hand, upon  his  too  often  empty  jug, 
and  tother  pinted  to  heaven,  he  hed  sworn  eternal  hostility  to 
them  ez  hed  razed  these  prices,  wich  is  Ablishnists.  If  con- 
venient, he  askt  the  brethrin  to  pray  for  him. 

Brother  Hopp  riz.  He  hed  his  ups  and  downs  also  — rayther 
more  downs  than  ups.  His  sole  wuz  full  wen  Forrist  killed 
the  niggers  ; but,  alas  ! wo  wuz  on  him  wen  Sherman  flaxt  em 
at  Atlanta.  Now  the  skies  is  brite.  Lee  holds  out  bully,  and 
tother  day  4000  niggers  wuz  killed  at  Petersburg. 

At  this  point  I interruptid  Brother  Hopp.  The  killin  uv 
niggers  is  no  cause  uv  rejoicin.  Wat  a destrucshen  uv  prop- 
erty ! 4000  niggers,  at  $1500  per  nigger,  is  $6,000,000  ! 

This  sum  uv  money,  even  at  the  present  Ablishn  prices,  wood 
prodoose  60,000,000  drinks  ! Wood,  0,  wood  that  I wuz  con- 
demned to  consoom  em  all ! Ef  them  niggers  hed  bin  white 
men,  I woodent  hev  keered.  Why?  Bekoz  white  soljers  is 
all  Ablishnists.  Don’t  shake  yer  hed.  Brother  Gamp  ; it’s  so. 
Yoor  own  son,  even,  backslid.  He  it  wuz  who  writ  hum,  a 
sayin  that  if  he  cum  back  and  found  that  ole  hipocrit,  Nasby,  a 
eatin  chickins  about  yoor  house,  he’d  plump  a ounce  ball  into 
him.  Hipocrit ! Chickins  ! Sich  basenis  confirms  me  in  my 
beleef  in  the  doctrin  uv  totle  depravity.  I am  no  obtroosive 
guest  at  the  tables  uv  my  flock.  Troo,  I eat ; but  wood  any 
uv  em  say  that  chickins  wuz  a equivalent  for  my  improvin  con- 


132 


A TOUCHING  PICTURE. 


versashen  ? Ez  for  the  paltry  money  I borrer,  I alluz  give  my 
note,  wich  settles  them  transactions. 

To  resoom.  Every  nigger  killed  inflames  our  brethrin 
powerful.  Imagine,  my  brethrin,  a Suthern  artilrist  a bringin 
uv  his  piece  to  bare  upon  the  advancin  enemy.  He  sees  they 
are  niggers,  and  his  heart  sinks.  Nearer  and  nearer  they 
come.  Seizin  a glass,  he  views  em,  and,  horror  ! in  the  front 
rank,  cloathed  in  soots  uv  bloo,’’  he  beholds  his  indivijjle 
niggers  ! Nearer  ! nearer  ! Fain  wood  he  spare  em,  for  them 
very  niggers  may  be  the  uncles  uv  a half  dozen  uv  his  chil- 
dren (wich  is  patriarkle),  to  say  nuthin  uv  the  money  he  hez 
investid  in  em.  But  no  ! The  order  is  given  ! Fire  ! He 
pulls  the  fatal  string,  and  ez  he  beholds  his  Own  property  a 
bleedin  on  the  plain,  he  swoons  away.  My  gentle  trends,  I 
make  no  doubt  that  half  the  cases  reported  in  the  Suthrin 
papers  ez  sun-stroke,  wuz  from  this  coz. 

Other  brethrin  giv  their  experience  in.  The  feelin  is 
improvin  sence  the  draft,  and  I hev  faith  that  ef  our  groseries 
kin  hold  out  till  September  5th,  under  the  credit  system,  and 
too  many  donT  run  to  Canady,  we  will  be  able  to  whale  any 
Provo  MarshelFs  force  they  kin  ^end  agin  us. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge 

4 

— — 

LI. 

STARTS  A SOCIETY  OF  HIS  OWN. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  } 
August  the  3d,  1864.  ) 

I AM  no  “ Son  UV  Liberty.’’  Any  Dimekrat  who  can’t  stan  a 
heavier  dose  than  that  instooshn  affords,  ain’t  fit  to  hev  the 
elective  franchise  exercised  for  him.  I hev  instootid  a order 

The  Democracy,  or  rather  that  portion  of  the  party  which  was  in  full  and 
open  sympathy  with  the  rebellion,  organized  secret  societies  in  the  North- 
western States,  the  members  of  which  were  pledged  to  resist  drafts,  and  in  all 
possible  ways  to  give  aid  and  comfort  to  the  Southern  cause.  They  were 


A SERIES  OF  INTERESTING  QUERIES. 


133 


uv  my  own,  wich  is  more  adaptid  to  the  Dimekratik  intellek  at 
large  — suthin  that  they  kin  understand. 

Wat’s  the  yoose,  1 ask  indignantly,  uv  tellin  our  disciples 
that  free  speech  is  done  away  with  by  Linkin,  wen  we  are 
openly  blattin  Suthrin  rites  on  evry  cross  rodes,  without  any 
mental  reservation  whatsoever?  Wat’s  the  yoose  uv  talkin  to 
Dimekrats  about  habis  corpusses,  wen  half  uv  em  never  had 
em,  and  tother  half  woodent  hev  knowd  the  yoose  uv  em  if 
they’d  a had  em  ? Noncents  ! 

My  order,  wich  I call  the  Anshent  and  Sublime  Order  uv 
Putty-backs,”  hez  suthin  in  it  they  kin  understand. 

The  follerin  is  a part  uv  the  ritual : The  candidate  is  brot 
into  the  ante-room  (so  called  from  the  fact  that  he  there  anties 
up  his  inishashen  fee)  blindfolded.  He’s  frightened.  A 
bottle  is  applied  to  his  nose,  wich  reassures  him,  for  well  he 
knows  wher  ther’s  whisky  ther’s  Dimokrasy.  The  follerin  dia- 
logue ensues : — 

Question.  Are  you  a Dimekrat? 

Q.  Do  yon  consider  }^oorself  better  than  a nigger? 

Q.  Are  yoo  afeard  yoor  sister  will  marry  a nigger,  and  do 
you  want  the  Legislacher  uv  yer  various  Staits  to  make  laws  a 
preventin  uv  her? 

Do  yoo  bleeve  that  a Ablishnist  loves  a nigger  better’n 
hisself,  his  wife  and  children,  his  uncles  and  aunts,  and  sich  ? 

Do  yoo  bleeve  that  this  war,  conseeved  by  John  Brown  and 
iimoggeratid  by  A.  Linkin,  is  bein  carried  on  by  Ablishnists 
for  the  sole  purpose  uv  freein  the  niggers  and  bringin  uv  em 
North,  and  elevatin  uv  em  a inch  or  to,  so  ez  to  git  em  over 
Dimekrats  ? 

Do  yoo  bleeve  that  in  Massachoosets  they  feed  nigger  students 
on  oysters  and  briled  porter-house  steak,  and  the  whites  on  hash? 

known  in  some  states  as  “ Sons  of  Liberty,”  in  others  as  “ Knights  of  the 
Golden  Circde.”  Ohio,  Indiana,  Pennsylvania,  and  Illinois  had  more  of  these 
conclaves  than  any  of  the  other  States.  They  imported  arms,  and  their  members 
were  instructed  in  their  use.  Governor  Morton,  of  Indiana,  seized  the  records 
of  the  order  in  Indianapolis  in  the  autumn  of  1864,  and  having  the  rolls  in  his 
possession,  destroyed  its  power  for  mischief.  The  questions  put  to  the  candi- 
dates for  initiation  are  scarcely  different  in  form  from  the  arguments  used  in 
the  rural  districts  to  inflame  prejudice  and  make  votes  for  the  pro-slavery 
party. 


134 


AN  ENTHUSIASTIC  ENDORSEMENT. 


Do  yoo  bleeve  there  are  800,000  niggers  in  the  North  now, 
and  that  the  guverment  intends  to  hev  em  all  vote  this  fall  ? 

Are  yoo  willin  to  take  up  arms  agin  this  elevashen  uv  the 
nigger  ? 

Will  yoo  solemnly  pledge  yoorself  to  vote  the  Dimekratic 
tickit  without  a scratch,  and  to  rally  promptly  to  the  killin  uv 
Provo  Marshels? 

The  candidate,  uv  coarse,  answers  all  these  questions  in  the 
affirmative,  after  wich  some  wun  is  hunted  up  who  kin  rite  his 
name,  to  wich  he  makes  his  mark,  and  he’s  inishiatid. 

My  society  is  pecoolyerly  adaptid  to  the  party,  coz  it’s  strong 
uv  nigger,  wich  all  uv  em  kin  understand.  I never  knowd  a 
ginooine  Southern-rite  Dimekrat  who  dident  consider  the  free 
Afrikin  a disgustin  obgeck,  and  who  ain’t  continooally  strivin 
to  make  hisself  bleeve  that  sumbody’s  lower  down  than  hisself. 
Hence  their  anxiety  to  own  a nigger,  and  where  that  ain’t 
permitted,  their  onquenchable  desire  to  kill  wun.  . 

My  ijee  is  never  to  loose  holt  uv  the  nigger.  He  makes  us 
cheap  cappitle,  and  is  alluz  reddy  to  hand. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


LII. 

INDORSES  THE  NOMINATION. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  l 
September  the  1st,  1864.  > 

Glory  ! Micklellan,  the  nashun’s  pride,  is  nominated  ! Bein 
a orthodox  Dimekrat,  the  norainashen  soots  me  ! Nominashens 
alluz  soots  orthodox  Dimekrats  ! In  30  years’  experience,  I 
never  knew  a nominashen  that  dident. 

The  nomination  of  General  McClellan,  in  1864,  by  the  Democracy,  as  their 
candidate  for  the  Presidency,  was  reluctantly  acquiesced  in  by  the  Peace  faction 
of  that  party.  McClellan  gained  t’ne  nomination,  l)ut  proved  to  be  a weak 
candidate.  He  was  neither  hot  nor  cold.  He  had  fought  the  rebels,  and  of- 


BIOGRAPHY  OP  A CANDIDATE. 


135 


Me  and  my  Church  wuz  for  peace.  We  wuz  for  Sutherii 
rites.  We  wuz  opposed  to  drafts,  and  had  purchast  revolvers. 
Therefore  the  incomparable  Micklellan  wuz  not  our  fust  choice. 
The  fact  is,  the  grate  George  wuz  a war  man  wunst,  and  wuz 
the  original  inventor  uv  drafts,  wich  don’t  make  him  ez  accept- 
able to  us  ez  he  mite  be.  But  ther’s  a excoose  for  him.  The 
Dimokrasy  must  bare  in  mind  that  the  unforchnit  man  hed 
sunk  sum  85,000  Ablishnists  sumwher  about  Richmond,  and  ez 
he  knew  uv  the  prejoodice  existin  agin  volunteerin  under  him, 
he  insistid  on  hevin  uv  em  brot  in  by  draft.  It  wuz  all  duii 
for  the  benefit  uv  the  Dimokrasy,  becoz  : The  Dimekrats 
drafted  wood  resist  to  run  to  Kanady  — the  Ablishnists  wood 
go,  and,  halleloogy  ! but  few  uv  em  wood  ever  return. 

On  receet  uv  the  news  I immejitly  called  my  flock  together, 
announst  it  to  em,  and  give  em  the  follerin  brief  biographical 
sketch  uv  our  candidate,  ez  follows  : 

George.  B.  Micklellan  wuz  born  uv  rich  but  honest  parence, 
sumw^her,  in  the  yeer  18 — . (I  love  accooracy.)  The  nation- 
ality uv  his  parence  I am  not  shoor  uv,  but  from  the  fact  that 
all  the  bitter  old  Know-Nothins  is  a supportin  him,  I shood 
think  he  wuz  uv  Irish  extraction.  His  great  pint  was  prompt- 
nis  and  decision  uv  character,  wich  qualities  displayed  them- 
selves at  a early  period.  It  is  on  record  in  the  arkives  uv  the 
family,  that  he  cried  immejitly  after  he  wuz  horned,  and  com- 
menced nursin  within  a hour.  He  wuz  remarkable  at  school 
for  the  same  quality.  No  sooner  did  the  clock  strike  noon, 
than  young  George  wood  promptly  leave  the  house.  The 
facher  general  wuz  foreshaddered  in  the  skill  with  wich  he 
robbed  melon  patches.  He  made  reglar  approaches,  wich 
wuz  skillful,  but  his  retreats  wuz  magnificent.  He  cood 
change  his  base  bootiful  — shiftin  from  melon  patches  to 
orchards  with  neatnis  and  dispatch.  Another  peekooliarity  uv 
young  George  shows  how  troo  is  the  sayin,*^^  The  child  is  father 
uv  the  man.”  While  George  cood  alluz  very  elaboritly  stratejise 

fended  their  sympathizers,  but  had  not  fought  them  with  sufficient  skill  and 
effect  to  satisfy  the  friends  of  the  Union;  and  besides,  his  extreme  solicitude 
lest  the  war  should  result  in  the  rebels  losing  their  Imman  chattels,  so  badly 
impaired  his  patriotism  that  he  drew  few  votes  more  than  an  actual  Peace  man 
would  have  done,  had  he  been  the  candidate  of  the  Democracy. 


136 


HIS  RAILROAD  EXPERIENCE. 


hisself  into  a melon  patch  or  orchard,  he  never  stratejised  his- 
self  out  with  any  melons  or  apples. 

He  wuz  edikatid  at  West  Pint,  and  wuz  finally  made  Presi- 
dent uv  the  Ohio  and  Mississippi  Railroad.  Here  his  decishun 
agin  showd  itself.  He  conseeved  the  bold  ijee  uv  gravelin  the 
road,  wun  mornin,  at  31  minutes  past  11.  Wun  yeer  from  that 
time  he  announst  to  the  Drektors  that  IT  laborers  and  an  ekal 
number  uv  wheelbarrers  hed  bin  prokoored,  and  he  wuz  bizzy, 
at  that  time,  perfectin  a plan  for  organizin  uv  em.  Two 
months  after  he  announced  his  plan  perfected,  and  that  opera- 
tions hed  commenst  on  a gravel-pit.  Four  days  uv  brilliantly 
successful  work  follered,  wen  he  announct  that  he  wuz 
obleegd  to  suspend  operations,  that  five  wheelbarrers  wuz 
broke,  and  seven  laborers  hed  the  diarrear.  He  wood  reorgan- 
ize promptly,  and  proceed.  Reorganizin  his  force,  and  per- 
fectin a new  plan  uv  approach,  only  occupied  eight  months, 
and  the  work  wood  hev  bin  commenst  by  this  time,  had  not 
the  war  broke  out.  The  pay  uv  the  Fedrai  Guvment  bein 
larger  and  more  surer  than  the  Confedracy,  he  relinquisht 
railroadin  and  entered  the  Fedrai  service. 

His  military  career  is  knowd  by  all  uv  us.  Suffice  it  to  say, 
that  no  general  wuz  ever  so  beloved  South,  and  so  hated 
North,  wich  wuz  wat  prokoord  his  nominashen. 

Sich,  my  brethrin,  is  our  candidate.  Let  us  all  sink  our 
prejoodices,  and  elect  him.  The  platform  on  which  he  stands 
I endorse  with  my  whole  heart.  1 hevent  read  it  yet,  but  it 
must  be  good,  for  Yallandigum  made  it.  The  post-orfises,  the 
treasury,  for  wich  we  hev  bin  waitin  four  long,  dreary  years, 
is  within  our  reach.  Let  us,  my  brethrin,  go  in  and  win.  The 
cheerin  for  me  will  now  commence. 

A collekshun  wuz  taken  up  to  defray  expensis  uv  the 
campane.  $8  wuz  realized,  wich  wuz  paid  over  to  me.  I 
shel  probably  appear  on  the  stump  in  a new  pair  uv  pants. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


THE  ENTHUSIASM  FOR  MCCLELLAN. 


137 


LIII. 

THE  CANDIDATES  AND  PLATFORM. 

Church  of  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ^ 
September  the  8th,  18()4.  5 

The  nominashens  uv  the  Chicago  Convenshim  is  made,  and 
altho  they  don’t  soot  me,  I shall  support  em.  Post-orfises 
can’t  be  attained  b}^  us  thro  Liiikin  — Micklellan  is  the  way, 
and  as  a Dimekratik  prophet  I remark,  Walk  ye  in  it.’’ 

But  I’m  heviri  a time  with  my  flock.  Ther’s  more  uv  a 
diversity  uv  opinion  than  I ever  saw  among  Dimekrats  afore, 
and  Pm  afeered  that  my  gigantik  intellek  ain’t  hefty  enuff  to 
reconcile  the  differences.  I called  a meetin  last  nite,  in  the 
hopes  uv  settlin  matters  and  restorin  harmony. 

I took  the  cheer,  and  made  a few  elokent  remarks.  Brothers 
Siples,  Spot,  Hopp,  and  Gamp,  who  hev  faith  to  bleeve  they’ll 
respectively  hold  the  orfises  uv  assessor,  collector,  postmaster, 
and  prove  marshel,  on  the  strength  uv  remarks  I made  to  em, 
wuz  enthoosiastik  for  Micklellan.  They  bleeved  him  to  be  the 

General  George  B.  McClellan,  a graduate  of  West  Point,  a martinet  of  some 
skill  and  proficiency,  who  had  served  in  the  Mexican  war  with  some  credit 
as  a subaltern,  was,  by  the  manoeuvring  of  certain  Ohio  Democrats,  made 
Major  General  of  the  Ohio  forces,  before  the  regular  organization  of  the  army 
by  the  General  Government.  He  was  rapidly  pushed  forward,  chiefly  by 
politicians  of  the  party  to  which  he  belonged.  President  Lincoln  desired  to 
welcome  into  the  army  all  patriotic  and  serviceable  men,  without  distinction  of 
party,  and  gave  the  rising  officer  all  the  credit  and  advantage  his  friends  claimed 
for  him.  The  Administration  gave  him  its  entire  confidence,  and  few  men  have 
ever  had  such  splendid  opportunity  to  gain  military  renown  as  General  IMcClellan 
liad.  But  he  seemed  more  anxious  to  perpetuate  slavery,  and  to  provide  for  the 
future  of  the  Democratic  party,  than  to  subdue  the  armies  of  tlie  rebellion. 
His  period  of  service  was  one  of  deep  and  painful  solicitude  to  the  more  dis- 
cerning and  patriotic  men  of  the  country,  and  the  patience  of  President  Lincoln 
towards  him  was  a sore  trial  to  many  of  his  best  friends,  and  begat  more  dis- 
trust of  his  administration  than  anything  else  connected  with  his  official  course. 
When  the  time  came  for  the  Democracy  to  use  the  “young  Napoleon”  they 
had  had  in  training  for  the  Presidential  candidacy,  he  was  in  a very  poor  plight 
for  the  race.  His  martial  philosophy  — his  theory  of  the  principles  on  winch 
the  war  should  be  conducted  — was  fatally  defective,  and  his  military  efforts  in 
the  main  ineffective  and  disastrous.  He  made,  therefore,  only  a weak  and 
unpopular  candidate  for  the  party  which  expected  so  much  of  him. 


138 


THE  IDEA  OF  BROTHER  GUTTLE. 


Dimekratik  Messiah,  raised  up  expressly  to  save  the  instooslm. 
They  shood  give  him  a hearty,  cordial  support. 

Brother  Punt,  who  boards  me  on  tick,  and  who  furnishes  me 
likker  on  the  same  terms,  wich  is  ez  good  ez  I cood  wish,  and 
who  expex  payment  wen  I git  a orfi^,  avuz  enthoosiastiker  for 
Micklellan  than  any  uv  us.  He  wuz  surprised  at  the  apathy  that 
pervaded,  wen  so  much  wuz  at  stake.  He  perposed  three 
cheers  for  Micklellan.  Brothers  Siples,  Spot,  Gamp,  Hopp, 
Punt,  and  myself  cheerd  with  the  wildest  enthoosiasm. 

At  this  pint  Brother  Guttle  ariz.  He  hed  heard  nonsence 
enuff.  He  wuz  under  45,  and  wuz  able-bodied.  Consekently 
he  jined  the  Sons  uv  Liberty,  and  bought  a revolver,  and  had 
his  rifle  fixed.  Wat  wuz  to  be  done  with  them  tools  ? Wuz 
he  to  hev  no  oppertoonity  to  yoose  em?  Wat  he  wantid  to 
know,  wuz  Micklellan  peace  or  war?  Ef  be  wuz  peace,  all 
rite.  He’d  ez  soon  shoot  provo  marshels  under  his  banner,  ez 
anybodj^’s,  but  bein  a peace  man,  he  must  shoot  somebody. 
He  hed  a neighbor  read  the  platform  to  him  day  before  yester- 
day. He  must  say  he  wuz  disgusted.  We  are  peace.  We 
bleeve  in  State-rites,  in  immejit  recognishun  uv  Suthern 
independence,  and  wuz  opposed  to  coershun.  To  all  uv  wich 
he  hed  sworn.  He  dident  go  much  on  oaths,  but  wen  a oath 
sootid  him  he’d  keep  it.  Why  didn’t  the  convenshun  say 
peace  ? Ef  he  hed  got  to  be  dragged  into  the  army  like  a 
peace  lamb  to  the  slavvter,*he’d  ez  soon  let  Linkin  drag  him  ez 
Micklellan.  It  wuz  the  draggin  into  the  field  that  lie  objectid  to 

— not  the  man  who  dragged  him.  He  wanted  to  know,  he  did. 

I replied  to  this  misguidid  man.  I assoomed  that  majestic, 

lofty,  penetratin  gaze,  wich  only  two  men  in  Ameriky  possest 

— me  and  D.  Webster.  I told  him  that  obedience  wuz  the 
fust  principle  uv  Dimokrasy.  The  convenshun  — OUR  conven- 
sliun,  hed  nominatid  — all  we  hed  to  do  wuz  to  vote.  Ef  the 
convensliun  hed  seen  fit  to  nominate  a war  man,  on  a war 
platform,  it  wood  hev  bin  our  dooty  to  hev  votid  it ; but  the 
convenshun  wuz  not  hard  on  us.  It  accommodated  us  all. 
Are  yoo  a War  Dimekrat  ? Wasn’t  Micklellan  a gineral? 
Isn’t  he  the  inventor  uv  drafts  ? Didn’t  he  arrest  tlie  Mary- 
land Legislacher?  Are  yoo  a peace  man?  Didn’t  the  majestik 
Micklellan  endorse  .Judge  Woodward?  Didn’t  he  take  the 


AN  ACCOMMODATING  PLATFOEM. 


139 


nominashun  at  the  hands  nv  Yallandigum  ? Are  yoo  a Suthern 
man  ? Ask  any  Suthern  gineral  who  he’d  ruther  see  at  the 
head  uv  our  armies,  and  he’d  answer,  in  thunder  tones,  Mick- 
lellan  ! Then  the  platform.  Is  ther  anything  in  it  agin  war  ? 
Is  ther  anything  in  it  agin  peace  ? It  is  a accoinmodatin 
platform,  halleloogy  ! Brother  Hopp,  who  is  a thirstin  after 
human  gore,  can  slake  his  thirst  at  this  fountain.  To  Brother 
Guttle,  who  wuz  a peace  man,  this  platform  wuz  the  white- 
winged angel  herself.  I hevn’t  eggsamined  it  critikally,  but  I 
hevn’t  the  slightest  doubt  that  the  doctrin  uv  fore  ordinashen, 
or  total  depravity,  or  elecshun,  or  free  grace,  kin  be  proved 
from  it  concloosively. 

It’s  a broad  platform.  Ther  wuz  room  on  it  for  Fernandy- 
wood  and  Sam  Cox,  for  Yallandigum  and  Seymore  — the 
pyramid  built  on  said  platform  has  room  on  the  apex  for  Mick- 
lellan  with  his  gory  sword,  and  Pendleton  with  his  olive-branch, 
halleloogy  ! 

Brother  Guttle  wuz  reprimanded.  I hevn’t  any  doubt  that 
my  Church  will  be  a unit  in  support  uv  the  norninashens.  Ef 
we  cood  stop  the  runnin  to  Canady  in  consekens  uv  the  draft, 
I hev  no  doubt  we  wood  hev  our  usual  majority. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 

LIV. 

WAILETH. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ? 

September  the  15th,  1864.  $ 

The  follerin  sam  uv  hoomiliashen  and  agony  will  be  chanted 
in  every  Church  in  my  dioceese,  all  day,  every  Sunday,  until  the 
Confedrits  win  a victry  : 

A DOUBLE-BARRELD  wale  ! — A CRY  UV  ANGUISH  ! 

In  the  valley  and  shadder  sit  we  ! 

Job  hed  biles,  but  he  scraped  hisself  with  a oyster-shell ! 


140 


A HEART-RENDING  WAIL. 


Naman  wuz  a leper,  but  he  dove  into  the  Jordan,  and  come 
out  ez  good  ez  new  ! 

Sampson  lied  his  hair  shingled  and  wuz  weak  as  watered 
whisky,  but  it  growd  agin  and  he  busted  his  enemies  ! 

We  hev  biles  and  are  rotten  with  em,  but  where\s  the  com- 
fortin  oyster-shell? 

We  hev  leprosy,  but  where’s  the  Jordan  to  jump  into  ? 

Our  hair  is  short,  and  ther’s  whar  our  enemies  hev  got  us, 
but  wher’s  the  restorative  to  make  it  grow  agin? 

Job,  and  Naman,  and  Sampson,  all  together,  wuzn’t  as  bad  off 
ez  we. 

We  kin  throw  in  Lazarus  with  his  sores,  and  the  dorgs  a 
lickin  uv  em,  and  then  give  em  50  in  a 100  and  beat  em. 

For  we  nominatid  Micklellan  and  Pendleton,  at  Chicago,  and 
wun  is  a war  man  and  tother  is  a peace  man. 

The  ox  and  the  ass  is  yoked  — their  heads  and  tails  to- 
gether. 

And  the  team  is  pulling  viggorusly,  but  instid  uv  goin 
forerd,  it’s  goin  round  and  round. 

Wale  ! 0 my  peeple,  for  the  ticket  wuzn’t  war  enuff,  and 
Cass  hez  bolted  ! 

Gnash  yer  teeth  ! 0 ye  saints,  for  the  tickit  wuzn’t  peace 
enuff,  and  Vallandigum  hez  bolted  ! 

We  tried  to  ride  two  bosses,  goin  in  two  different  direck- 
shuns,  and  we  fell  to  the  ground. 

And  both  bosses  turned  on  us  and  kicked  us. 

And  Micklellan  hez  no  chance  — he  won’t  hev  the  givin  uv 
the  post-offises. 

And  Sherman  took  Atlanta,  and  chawd  up  Hood ! 

And  Lee  wants  the  Weldon  road,  but  he  can’t  git  it. 

And  Governor  Morton  took  the  revolvers  from  the  peace  men 
uv  Injeany. 

And  the  draft  won’t  be  resisted,  and  the  provo  marshels  will 
hev  whole  skins. 

Wale  ! For  Maine  and  Vermont,  wich  wuz  tired  uv  the  war, 
and  Avuz  a goin  for  Micklellan,  hev^  voted  Ablishn  with  a 
loosenis. 

Wale!  For  our  rulers  oppress  us.  They  let  their  men  vote 
in  the  army,  but  won’t  let  our  men  vote  in  Canady  ! 


THE  OCTOBEE  ELECTION. 


141 


Wale  ! For  the  Ablishnists  sbel  hold  the  orfises,  and  we 
sbel  be  numbered  among  the  outs  ! 

Wale  ! For  in  the  fucher  1 see  no  way  uv  livin  but  by 
work  ! 

Why  wuz  I born  into  sich  a world  ! Why  wuz  whisky 
created,  ef  yoo  can’t  git  it  without  a price  ? Why  wuz  orfisis 
establisht,  ef  them  can’t  git  em  ez  wants  em  the  most  ? 

Micklellan  buried  his  thousands  in  the  swamps  uv  the 
Chickahominy  — he  hath  buried  his  tens  of  thousands  under 
the  platform  he  kicked  over  ! 

The  Ablishnists  jeer  us,  and  flout  us ; they  wag  their  beds 
at  us,  sayin,  Go  up,  bald  hed  ! ” 

And  we  hev  gone  up  ! 

Peteoleum  y.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sect  Churchy  in  charge. 

LV. 


LAMENTETH. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  ) 
October  the  14th,  18G4.  \ 

IVe  come  to  a conclooshen.  I’m  satisfied  that  Pennsilvany, 
Ohio,  and  Indiana  hev  gone  Ablishn.  I saw  it  in  a daily  paper. 
Therefore,  I direct  that  every  church  in  my  dioceese  be  draped 
in  mournin  (the  same  we  used  when  we  heerd  uv  Atlanta  will 
anser),  and  that  the  follerin  sam  uv  angish  be  chantid  at  every 
servis,  until  we  git  the  returns  from  Noo  Jersey. 

Ohio  ! Pensilvany  ! Indiana  ! 

Pennsilvany.  is  cussid,  Ohio  is  cusseder,  but  Indiana  is 
cussidest. 

Weep,  0 my  people,  for  lo  ! the  hind  sites  is  knocked  off  us  ! 

Gnash  yer  teeth,  for  the  states  we  counted  on  the  most  hev 
gone  the  wust  agin  us. 

Tear  yer  hair,  for  Yoorhees  is  beat. 


142 


A PRAYER  FOR  VICTORY. 


Throw  ashes  on  yer  head,  for  little  Sam  Cox  is  gone  up. 

Array  yerself  in  shoddy,  for  we’re  all  gone  up. 

Ef  sich  is  done  in  the  green  tree,  wat  will  it  be  in  the  dry  ? 

I am  a fountain  uv  lamentations  — they  run  from  me  ez  doth 
the  water  from  the  spring. 

Can  we  look  to  the  South  for  comfort  ? Nay,  verily. 

For  Atlanta  is  gone,  and  Lee  rageth  in  vain,  and  Early  is 
chawd  up  egreejusly. 

And  Linkin,  and  Grant,  and  Sherman,  and  Sheridan  are  laffin 
with  much  laffter  — they  feel  good. 

But  their  mirth  is  our  wo,  their  meat  is  our  pizen. 

Can  we  look  to  the  North  ? ’ Not  any ; for  that  is  a Sahara 
Desert  uv  Ablishnism,  with  nary  a oasis. 

Wher  is  the  post-offisis  ? Wher  is  the  collektorships,  and 
wher  the  tother  places  uv  profit?  They  are  not  for  us. 

To  the  East  we  stretch  our  hands,  and  Maine  ansers,  ’Eor 
for  Linkin  ! ” 

To  the  West  we  turn,  and  Indiana  pops  it  to  us  to  the  tune 
uv  30,000. 

We  bought  revolvers  in  that  State,  and  lo  ! we  committid 
sooicide  with  em. 

We  are  a dove,  a peace  dove,  shoved  out  uv  the  political  ark. 

And  the  deluge  uv  Ablishnism  rageth  wildly,  and  shows  no 
sign  uv  subsidin. 

And  we  are  weary,  but  kin  find  no  place  to  rest  our  foot. 

Bestir  thyself,  0 Lee  ! if  yoo  wood  save  us  in  November. 

On  yoo  we  bet  our  pile  ; yoo  are  our  anker  and  our  cheefest 
trust. 

We  preech  in  vane  that  the  war  is  a failure,  while  yoo  are 
bein  whipped  once  or  twice  per  day. 

Be  valiant,  for  gold  is  goin  down,  and  goods  is  goin  with  it, 
and  the  Ablishnists  laff,  and  the  people  is  content. 

Whale  Grant  jist  wunst,  and  give  us  wun  more  chance. 

Lift  us  out  uv  the  pit  into  wich  we  hev  fallen  — give  us 
solid  ground  to  stand  on. 

Then  will  our  wailins  be  turned  to  joy,  and  our  lamentations 
to  songs  uv  gladnis. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Churchy  in  charge. 


AN  EXPLORATION  OP  THE  FUTURE. 


143 


LVI. 

HAS  A DREAM. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  7 
October  the  21st,  18G4.  ) 

I AM  no  bleever  in  gosts  or  dreams,  or  sich,  nor  never  wuz. 
Ef  the  tyrant  Linkin  (wich  is  a ape)  shood  draft  me,  and  I 
shood  be  dragged  to  the  tented  field,  a unwillin  martyr,  I know 
1 shood  much  prefer  meetin  the  gost  uv  a rebel  soljer,  wich  is 
a shadder,  than  to  encounter  wun  in  the  flesh,  with  a mu  skit 
and  ba}met,  wich  is  no  shadder.  Dreams  is  likewise  unsub- 
stanshel,  and  result,  nine  cases  out  uv  ten,  from  aboose  uv  the 
stumick.  I dream  but  seldom,  and  wen  I do,  I allnz  attribit  it 
to  eatin  a pound  or  two  more  sassage,  or  drinkin  a quart  or 
two  more  whisky,  .than  I really  need,  late  at  nite ; and  I never 
bleeved  they  wuz  prophetic,  becoz  I don’t  allow  that  the  seat 
uv  prophecy  is  located  in  the  stumick.  These  is  my  theory  uv 
gosts,  dreams,  and  sich.' 

I hed  a dream  last  nite,  wich  left  a impreshn  on  my  mind.  I 
hed  bin  preparin  a sermon,  provin  that  Servants,  obey  yoor 
masters,”  justified  the  ketchin  uv  niggers  with  dorgs,  wen  I fell 
asleep  and  dreamed.  IMethawt  I wuz  dead,  and  hed  laid  in 
that  stait  200  yeers,  and  hed  awoke,  and  found  myself  agin  on 
earth.  I saw  nothin  pekoolyer.  There  wuz  more  railroads, 
and  more  school-houses,  and  into  wun  uv  the  latter  I went. 

The  school-marm  wuz  eggsaminin  a class  uv  youngsters  in 
history. 

Who  wuz  the  greatest  and  goodest  men  the  Yoonitid  Staits 
ever  prodoost  ? ” 

George  Washington  and  Aberham  Linkin.” 

What  did  they  do  ? ” 

Washington  founded  the  goverment,  and  Linkin  pre- 
served it.” 

Who  wuz  the  wust  men  the  country  prodoost  ? ” 

A little  girl  anserd  : 

“Joodath  Ithcariot,  Benedict  Arnold,  Jeff  Davith,  and  Yal- 
landigum.” 


144 


THE  VERDICT  OF  THE  FUTURE. 


^^Yoo  are  wrong,  my  child,’’  retorted  the  school-marm. 
Judas  lived  in  another  country,  and  before  the  others.  They 
were  so  simler,  however,  that  the  error  is  excoosible.  What 
did  Arnold,  and  Davis,  and  Yallandigum  do  ? ” 

Arnold  betrayed  his  country,  and  took  up  arms  agin  it ; 
Davis  rebelled  agin  his  goverment,  and  Yallandigum  helped 
him  all  he  cood  without  gettin  hisself  into  danger.” 

What  names  were  given  them  ez  opposed  the  goverment 
in  ’76  and  ’61  ? ” 

Tories  and  Copperheads.” 

Which  wuz  the  wust,  the  Tories  or  Copperheads  ? ” 

That  pint  hez  bin  much  discussed,  but  no  concloosion  hez 
ever  bin  arriv  at.” 

How  many  times  wuz  Linkin  electid  President  ? ” 

“ Two.” 

“ Had  he  any  opposition  for  the  second  term  ? ” 

“ None  to  speak  uv.  The  rebels  and  Copperheads  run  a dis- 
graced soljer,  whose  name  sum  historians  giv  ez  Mickfadden, 
uthers  ez  Micknellan,  and  uthers  ez  Micklellan ; but  ez  he 
receeved  no  votes  in  the  electoral  colledge,  the  eleckshun  wuz 
considered  unanimus.  The  Copperhead  candidate  sunk  into 
obskoority  after  the  war,  and  he  wuz  forgotten,  wich  wuz  lucky 
for  his  children.” 

I notist  about  half  the  children  hed  on  bloo  ribbins ; one 
fourth  wuz  drest  ordinary,  and  the  balance  hed  a white  rag 
pinned  to  their  backs.  I asked  the  school-marm  wat  this 
indicated.  She  askt  me  ef  I wuz  a furriner  ; to  wich  I anserd, 
I wuz,  a furrin  prince  in  disguise,  on  a tour  uv  observashen. 
She  replied : 

Them  ez  hez  bloo  ribbins  is  the  descendants  uv  the  loyal 
soljers  uv  the  great  rebellion  ; them  with  no  decorations  is 
decendid  from  loyal  men  who  wuz  not  soljers  ; and  them  poor 
things  who  hev  the  white  rag  (she  busted  into  tears  and  wept 
perfoosely),  are  the  unforchnit  desendants  uv  — Copperheads  ! ” 
I visited  a court-house.  The  case  they  wuz  tryin  wuz  slan- 
der. One  man  hed  asserted  that  the  great-great-grandfather 
uv  another,  who  wuz  a opposin  candidate  for  Justis  uv  the 
Peace,  hed  bin  a Copperhead.  Plaintiff  brot  into  court  a old 
paper  printed  in  1864,  wich  showd  that  said  ancester  wuz  on  a 


A MODEL  OBITUARY. 


145 


Lirikin  centrel  commity.  Joory  brot  in  a verdict  nv  $10,000 
for  plaintiff. 

I awoke  from  this  dream  in  a cold  sweat.  “ Is  it  possible,” 
thot  I,  that  posterity  will  so  regard  us  ? ” and  for  a minnit  I 
wuz  almost  persuadid  to  be  a Christian.  But  I thot  uv  the 
post-offisis,  and  sed  to  myself,  ‘^What  is  posterity  to  a ded 
man  ? Let  me  hev  offis,  and  the  means  uv  keepin  my  skin  full 
uv  whisky,  without  work,  and  posterity  may  think  wot  it 
pleases.”  And  I resoomed  labor  on  my  sermon. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Cliurclij  in  charge. 

LVII. 

LOSES  A FRIEND,  AND  WRITES  HIS  OBITUARY. 

Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun,  | 
October  the  28th,  1864.  ^ 

A PILLAR  hez  fallen  ! Last  nite,  at  10  o’clock  and  57  minits 
P.  M.,  Issaker  Punt,  a deacon  uv  my  Church,  and  the  heftiest 
pillar  in  the  instooshn,  in  fact  the  only  one  who  paid  his 
quarterage  reglar,  departed  this  life. 

Brother  Punt  wuz  born  a Dimekrat ; he  reseeved  the  faith 
by  inheritance,  ez  his  father  wuz  one  afore  him.  And  that  faith 
he  kept.  He  mite  hev  bin  sedoost  into  the  by  and  forbidden 
paths  uv  Whiggery  and  Ablishnism,  and  sich,  but  knowin  the 
frailty  uv  human  nacher,  he  persistently  refoozd  to  learn  to 
reed,  and  thus  made  himself  sekoor  from  the  wiles  uv  un- 
scroopulus  politishns.  It  wuz  a butiful  traite  in  his  charikter 
that  he  wood  never  vote  a tickit  that  he  did  not  get  from  the 
hands  uv  the  central  committee-man  ! 

Brother  Punt  commenst  politikle  life  a votin  for  Androo 
Jaxon,  when  he  wuz  but  18  years  old.  The  rigid  moralist  may 
object  to  this  act,  ez  illegal.  It  wuz  objectid  to  at  the  time, 
and  the  youthful  hero  wuz  arrestid  and  impriznd,  and  he  wood 
hev  remained  in  prizn  two  years,  hed  he  not  bin  pardoned  out 
10 


146 


BROTHER  punt’s  PERSISTENCE 


by  a Dimekratik  guverner,  jest  afore  the  next  elecshun.  We 
next  find  him  battlin  for  the  Dimokrasy  in  the  person  uv  Martin 
Van  Buren.  At  that  elecshun  he  votid  twice,  and  drunk  172 
times.  Ez  he  repeatedly  remarkt  to  me,  that  day  wuz  a try  in 
one.  The  first  hundred  drinks  wuz  nateral  — the  balance  wuz 
excess ; but  he  hed  pledged  his  township  for  a certain  major- 
ity, the  candidates  hed  given  him  the  money  to  treat  with,  and 
he  wuz  determined  to  do  it  ef  it  cost  him  a attack  uv  delirium 
tremens.  He  wuz  alluz  ready  to  sacrifice  his  bowels  for  the 
cause. 

He  managed  to  survive  Harrison’s  elecshun,  and  wuz  active 
in  procurin  Polkls  triumph.  He  mourned  doorin  Fillmore’s 
rane,  and  rejoist  with  exceedin  grate  joy  doorin  Peerse  and 
Bookannon’s. 

In  1860  he  didn’t  vote  for  nobody.  He  knowd  Duglis  wuz  a 
Himekrat,  and  so  wuz  Breckinridge.  He  attendid  meetins  uv 
both  factions,  and  hoorayd  vigerusly  for  both,  but,  unforchnitly, 
the  committy  who  hed  furnisht  him  tickets  for  years  wuz 
divided— - one  half  for  Duglis  and  tother  for  Breckinridge.  He 
coodent  decide  wich  wuz  the  real  Dimekratik  tickit,  and  so,  on 
elecshun  day,  he  went  to  the  poles,  and  went  thro  the  moshuns 
uv  votin  with  a piece  uv  blank  paper. 

But  he  hed  no  doubts  ez  to  opposin  Linkin  — he  knowd  he 
wuz  no  Dimekrat,  for  both  committymen  told  him  so.  0,  with 
what  joy  he  heerd  the  news  uv  the  firin  on  Fort  Sumter  ! 
With  what  eckstasy  he  heerd  uv  Bull  Run ! No  man  in  the 
North  exhibitid  more  ability  in  swearin  at  Linkin  — no  one 
cood  retail  to  better  advantage  the  lies  the  centrel  committy 
decidid  to  cirkelait. 

Brother  Punt  growd  low-sperited  at  the  battle  uv  Stone 
River,  and  kept  failin  ez  Linkin’s  dorgs  advanced.  He  britened 
up  a little  when  Forest  killed  the  niggers  at  Fort  Filler;  but 
Sheridan  and  the  Indiana  eleckshuns  protrastid  him  fearfully, 
and  he  becum  so  redoost  that  his  likker  hed  to  be  fed  to  him 
with  a spoon. 

Brother  Punt  wuz  a consistent  member  uv  the  Church  uv 
the  Noo  Dispensashun.  Before  jinin  my  flock,  it  wuz  his  boast 
.that  he  hed  never  bin  inside  a meetin-house.  Therefore  he 
rejoist  at  the  oppertoonity  uv  hearin  a pure  gospel,  into  wich, 


THE  LAST  WOEDS  OF  A DEMOCRAT. 


147 


ef  the  nigger  wuz  interdoost  at  all,  be  wuz  put  in  and  held  np 
hand-cufft,  wich  is  alluz  refreshin  to  the  troo  Dimekratik  mind. 
He  dispisd  Ablishn  preachin. 

Brother  Punt’s  Dimokrasy  wuz  uv  a broad,  comperhensive 
charicter.  He  follered  the  party.  Opposed  to  Stait’s  rites 
and  secession  under  Jaxon,  he  wuz  in  favor  uv  both  in  1864. 
Opposed  to  slavery-extension  in  ’48,  he  favored  it  in  ’60,  and 
so  on.  The  immejit  coz  uv  his  death  wuz  this  tyranikle 
Administrashen.  Whisky  bed  got  so  high  that  he  wuz  forst 
to  diloot  it,  and  at  his  age  he  coodent  stan  it.  He  died  uv 
water  on  the  stumick. 

I wuz  with  him  in  his  last  moments.  His  mind  wandered, 
and  he  talked  uv  goin  wher  he’d  finally  hev  a post-orfis.  The 
doctor,  who  wuz  a Ablishnist,  unfeelinly  remarkt,  that  ef  ther 
wuz  mails  in  the  country  he  wuz  goin  to,  it  wood  be  nessary  to 
hev  fire-proof  mail  bags.  Like  all  other  grate  men,  he  bed  his 
last  words  (no  member  uv  my  flock  shel  die  without  hevin  last 
words,  so  long  ez  1 kin  write)  — I writ  em  yisterday.  They 
wuz : Hev  we  carried  Pennsylvany  ? — my  coppers  is  burnt 

out ! — put  on  my  tomb-stun,  ‘ He  voted  erly  and  often,  and 
never  scratched  a tickit.’  ” 

Ez  winter  is  approachin,  and  I need  a new  soot  uv  close,  I 
hev  determined  to  call  upon  the  brethren  for  funds  to  erect  a 
sootable  monument  to  the  memory  uv  this  sterlin  Diraekrat. 
Sums  uv  ten  cents  (wich,  sence  Yallandigum’s  speckelashun, 
is  the  orthodox  Dimekratik  contribushen),  for  this  purpose, 
may  be  sent  to  me,  with  the  asshoorence  that  they  will  be 
faithfully  used. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Paster  uv  sed  Church,  in  charge. 


148 


HOW  THE  RESULT  WAS  ACCOUNTED  FOR. 


LVIII. 

HAS  A DIFFICULTY  WITH  HIS  FLOCK  AND 
LEAVES  IT. 

Onto  the  Wing,  ? 

November  the  18th,  1864.  ^ 

The  die  is  cast ! All  is  ore  ! Ef  Freedom  shreekt  when 
Kossikusco  fell,  she  must  hev  squawkt  last  Toosdy  nite  ez  she 
beheld  the  imianimate  corpse  uv  the  Dimekratik  party,  which 
fell,  crushing  Little  Mack,  and  the  hopes  uv  sum  hundreds  uv 
thousans  uv  good  Dimekrats,  who  spectid  to  be  persuadid 
by  ther  frends  into  acceptin  the  various  offisis  under  the 
guverment. 

I am  a lost  and  rooined  man.  My  people  are  uv  the  troo 
Dimekratik  stripe.  They  hed  faith  in  me.  They  bleeved  wat 
I told  em.  I told  em  Micklellan  wuz  certain  uv  the  elecshun, 
and  that  I hed  ded-wood  on  the  disposal  uv  the  offisis  in  that 
seckshun.  It  immejitly  become  a easy  matter  to  borrer  money. 
It  wuz  deliteful  — wood,  0 wood  that  it  cood  hev  bin  per- 
petooal ! Brother  Savage  lent  me  $50,  with  a request  that  I 
wood  speak  a good  word  for  him  for  a furrin  niishn.  I 
assoomed  a virchus  look,  and  replied  that  I never  sold  my 
inflooence,  but  that  I alluz  had  a admirashen  for  his  massive 
intellek  and  many  virchoos.  Brother  Guttle  lent  me  money, 
wantin  this,  and  Brother  Sludge  wantin  that  ; in  breef,  evry 
individooal  uv  em  who  hed  a forhead  a inch  high,  spectid 
suthin. 

The  returns  cum  in.  Ohio — ^Linkin!  “Good!  ’Bah 
shouts  I,  with  great  presence  uv  mind. 

“ Why  good  ? ” anxshusly  asks  the  expectants. 

“ Becoz,  to  carry  Ohio,  the  Ablishnists  must  hev  brot  votes 
from  Noo  York,  wich  will  give  us  that  state,  shoor.” 

Noo  York  — Link  in  ! 

“ Good  Lord  1 ” answers  I,  promptly  ; “the  Noo  York  Ablish- 
nists must  hev  voted  in  Ohio,  and  hev  got  home  in  time  to  vote 
agin.  But  wait  for  Pennsilvany.” 

Pennsilvany  — Linkin  ! 


A STRATEGICAL  RETREAT. 


149 


My  Trends,  ther  wuz  fraud  — Massachoosits  soljers,  at  least 
40,000,  must  hev  voted  there.  Indiana  will  do  it,  however.’' 
Indiana  — Linkin  ! 

“ Not  less  than  40,000  Massachoosits  soljers  hev  voted  there. 
Illinois  is  safe,  though.” 

Illinois  — Linkin. 

40,000  Massachoo — ” 

Give  me  my  money  ! ” roard  Savage,  and  the  same  remark, 
with  variashens,  wuz  made  by  Guttle,  Sludge,  and  the  rest 
uv  em. 

Gently,  my  Trends,”  sed  I,  backin  out  uv  the  door.  “ We 
hev  bin  defeated  but  the  great  principle  that  a white  man  is 
better  than  a nigger,  for  wich  we  hev  so  long  fought,  still  lives. 
Let  us  sink  all  minor  considrashens,  and  — ” 

The  minor  considerashens  I referred  to  wuz,  however, 
uppermost  in  their  minds,  for  they  all  went  for  me,  yellin 
like  Cuscororious  Injins,  Give  me  my  money  ! ” whereupon  I 
retreated  to  the  meetin-house,  lockin  myself  in.  They  sur- 
rounded it,  swearin  they’d  starve  me  out. 

When  a innocent  boy,  I read  a harrowin  tale  uv  a Eooshn 
mother,  who  wuz  persood  by  frantic  wolves,  and  who  saved  her 
own  life  by  droppin  her  children  to  em,  wun  by  wun.  My 
privit  barrel  uv  Avhisky  wuz  in  my  study  — I wuz  saved  ! 
I histid  it  out  uv  a winder,  and  calmly  awaited  results.  They 
hockt  around  it — they  took  turns  at  the  bung-hole.  In  wun 
short  hour  they  wuz  stretched  helpless  on  the  plain,  dead 
drunk.  Then  and  there  I resined  my  charge,  and  borrerin 
sich  money  and  watches  ez  the  ungrateful  wretches  hed  about 
em,  to  make  up  arrears  uv  salary  and  sich,  bid  adoo  to  em 
forever.  I shel  go  to  Noo  Jersy. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensasliun. 


150 


A DISSERTATION  ON  BLOOD. 


LIX. 

DEPRECATES  THE  ARMING  OF  THE  SLAVES  BY 
THE  SOUTH. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wieh  is  in  the  Stait  nr  Noo  Jersey),  > 
November  the  21st,  1864.  > 

The  brave  and  chiverlus  South  hev  at  last  desided  upon 
armin  their  niggers.  Ef  they  do  it^  it  settles  the  question. 
The  Ablishn  party  is  neerly  eggsaustid,  and  can  not  hope  to 
cope  successfully  with  three  millions  uv  fresh  niggers,  the 
most  uv  em  decendid  drekly  from  the  fust  families  uv  the 
South.  The  nigger  will  hte ! I may  hev  sed  at  diffrent 
times,  when  the  goriller  Linkin  wuz  armin  uv  em,  that  they 
woodent  fite,  but  it  wuz  a lie  uv  the  basest  character,  that  I 
got  up  to  deseeve  the  people.  Does  Boregard  fite  ? Does  the 
younger  Masons,  and  Peytons,  and  Ruffins,  and  Slidells,  and 
sich  ? Where  do  they  get  their  chiverlus  darin  from  ? Onques- 
chenably  frum  the  old  Boregard,  Mason,  Pej^ton,  Slidell,  et 
settry.  Very  good.  Admittin  it’s  blood  that  does  it,  won’t 
the  same  blood  that  makes  Kernel  Peyton  chivelrus,  operate  the 
same  way  when  coursin  thro  the  vanes  uv  Sam,  his  half- 
brother?  Uv  coarse.  Like  causes  perdoose  like  effex.  Ef 
Kernel  Peyton  takes  a dose  uv  pills,  wat’s  the  result?  Pre- 
cisely the  same  ez  wen  Pomp  takes  em.  Blood,  like  pills, 
operate  the  same  on  all  constooshns. 

The  mizrable  hirelins  uv  Linkin  will  rue  the  day  they  meet 
these  dark  knites.  The  Suthern  white  soljer  is,  I am  aware,  a 
mizrable  cuss.  He  wuz  born  a serf ; nacher  made  him  ex- 
pressly for  that  system  uv  society,  and  he  coodent  eggsist 
nowhere  else.  The  Suthern  lord  uv  the  sile  requires  various 
serviss.  Manual  labor  is  dun  by  the  black,  but  votin  must  be 
dun  by  whites.  Nacher  steps  in  and  furnishes  him  a man 

The  impression  obtained  at  one  time  that  the  Confederacy  intended  arming 
the  negroes,  and  as  a last  resort  giving  such  of  them  their  liberty  as  should 
perform  faithful  service.  This  was  not  finally  resorted  to,  though  the  negroes 
were  made  very  serviceable  to  tlie  rebel  cause  in  servile  work  in  the  army,  and 
in  raising  crops  at  home,  while  the  whites  went  to  the  field. 


A TOUCHING  PICTURE. 


151 


white  enuff  to  vote,  and  low  enufF  to  be  owned.  He  hez  no 
cliiverlry,  and  woodent  fite  at  all  ef  ’twant  for  the  blooded 
offisers.  Imagine  entire  regiments  uv  blooded  men — men  uv 
the  physikle  strength  uv  the  native  Afrikin,  animated  with  the 
spirit  uv  the  hawty  Southron  — a goriller  with  the  sole  uv 
Chevaleer  Bayard. 

I hev  prayd  that  Linkin  will  spare  the  South  this  bitter  cup. 
Hez  the  wretch  no  sole  ? Imagin  a Suthernoffiser  a leadin  his 
regiment  into  battle.  He  drors  nigh  to  the  enemy.  Whiz  ! 
sings  a shell.  It  explodes  ! He  is  safe,  but,  alas  ! dispersed 
into  inch  pieces  is  Scipio,  his  nigger,  and  perhaps  the  son  uv 
his  grandfather’s  son,  or,  may  be,  the  uncle  uv  his  own  chil- 
dren ! That  shell  cost  him  $1500.  A rifle  pops,  and  Pompey 
dies,  who,  livin,  wood  hev  bin  dirt-cheap  at  $1200.  And  so  he 
goes.  He  treads  the  path  uv  glory  over  the  dead  bodies  uv 
his  blood  relashens,  which  is  also  his  forchune. 

Agin.  Ef  the  nigger  fites  alongside  uv  the  white  man,  he 
is  acknowledged  ez  his  ekal,  and  away  goes  the  corner-stun  uv 
Dimokrasy.  It  hez  alluz  bin  a consolashen  to  the  Northern 
Dimekrat  to  feel  that  ther  avuz  a race  meaner  than  they  are. 
Shel  this  pleasin  deloosion  be  roodly  dissipatid?  Forbid  it, 
Hevin ! 

This  sacrifis  may  be  avoidid.  Linkin  hez  bin  slitely  electid, 
and  inasmuch  ez  he  hez  control  uv  suthin  over  a million 
mu  skits,  with  artilry  to  match,  we  Dimekrats,  hevin  alluz  bin  a 
law-abidin  people,  shel  submit  quietly  to  the  popular  voice. 
But  we  kin  advise.  Linkin  hez  it  in  his  hands.  Let  him  make 
peace  immejitly  and  to-wunst.  Let  him  send  comniishners  to 
Bichmond,  under  same  pay  ez  members  uv  Congris  (I  will  go 
for  wun),  to  treat  and  be  treated.  Let  us  act  upon  the  Mick- 
lellan  ijee.  Let  us  offer  them  all  they  want  to  kum  back, 
and  ef  they  refooze  — why  then  fite  it  out,  on  constooshnel, 
conservative  principles.  Ef  they  do  refooze,  and  the  war  shood 
be  properly  conductid,  I shood  sacrifice  all  for  my  bleedin 
country,  and  go  into  the  service  ez  a sutler.  I cood  not 
hesitate  for  a moment. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


162 


JEFFERSON  AT  THE  FUNERAL  OE  DEMOCRACY. 


LX. 

HAS  A FRIGHTFUL  DREAM. 

Saint’s  Best  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  > 
November  the  29th,  1864.  5 

I’m  bein  afflicted  with  dreams.  It’s  very  seldom  that  I lay 
my  manly  form  down  to  rest^  that  dreams  uv  the  most  friteful 
character  don’t  take  posseshun  uv  me^  and  I awake  in  the 
mornin  feelin  ez  tired  ez  I do  after  a hard  day’s  dodgin 
creditors,  wich  is  exhaustin. 

Last  nite  I hed  a dream,  the  recolleckshun  whereof  is  enuff 
to  drive  a dray  boss  uv  ordinary  sensibilities  crazy.  Methawt 
Dimokrasy  wuz  ded,  that  his  funeral  wuz  apinted  for  the  4th 
uv  March,  that  that  day  hed  arriv,  and  that  the  friends  uv  the 
deceest  hed  bin  invitid.  I wuz  on  the  spot  early,  but,  to  my 
surprise,  quite  a number  uv  mourners  wuz  there  afore  me.  Ther 
wuz  Thomas  Jefferson,  and  Androo  Jaxson,  and  Steven  A. 
Duglis,  and  Silas  Wright,  and  James  K.  Polk,  and  sich.  The 
corpse  wuz  that  uv  a giant,  who  hed  evidently  died  uv  dissi- 
pashen  — wunst  strong  and  viggerus,  but  redoost  to  a shaky 
skeleton.  Presently  Fernandywood,  Frank  Peerse,  Yallaii- 
digum,  and  Vorhees  hove  in  site.  They  come  a busslin  up,  ez 
tho  they  wuz  the  ligitimit  heirs  and  assigns  aforesed  uv  the 
deceest,  but  ez  soon  ez  they  recognized  them  ez  wuz  standin 
round  the  corpse,  they  turned  pale  and  sneaked  off*  ez  fast  ez 
their  legs  cood  carry  em.  These  distinguished  individooels  * 
wiiz  a weepin  bitterly  over  the  corpse,  particklerly  Jefferson. 

I am  his  fond  parient,”  he  exclaimed ; I guided  his  infant 
steps  ; I — but  what  the  dev — ” 

This  exclamashen  escaped  Thomas,  ez  his  eagle  eye  lit  onto 
a bootiful  nigger-whip  wich  the  defunct  hed  clutched  into  his 
emashiated  hand.  He  never  got  that  from  me,”  continued 
Thomas,  with  a expreshun  uv  intense  disgust ; “ I sent  the 
gushin  yooth  into  the  world  to  do  away  with  them  things.” 
Wright  hed  found  a revolver  and  a pair  uv  handcuffs  in  his 
pocket,  wich  he  dropped  as  tho  they  burnt  him.  Jakson  took 
out  uv  his  vest  a package  labeld  “ State-Rites.”  Good 


DOUGLAS  SPEAKS  OVER  THE  DEAD  BODY. 


153 


hevins  ! ” remarkt  he,  flingin  it  from  him,  did  the  ijeot  forgit 
my  teachins  ez  soon  ez  I left  him,  and  take  up  with  the 
heresies  uv  that  scoundrel,  Calhoon  ? 

Duglis  hed  bin  searchin,  and  next  to  the  heart  he  found  a 
heavy  package  markt  “ Seceshn,’’  at  wich  they  all  started 
back  with  uplifted  hands,  ez  I’ve  seed  the  play-actors  do  when 
they  see  the  ghost  uv  their  dead  mother. 

“He  wuz  devoted  to  his  country  wen  I started  him,”  sed 
Jefferson. 

“ Him  and  me  put  our  heel  on  seceshn  wunst,”  wept  Jaxson. 

“My  friends,”  sed  Hughs,  “I  wuz  the  guardian  uv  the 
deceest  up  to  four  yeers  ago.  He  fell  into  bad  hands  in  ’52, 
and  got  wild.  He  become  quarrelsome,  graspin,  and  at  the 
same  time  dissipatid.  I tried  to  keep  him  strate,  but  in  vane. 
Sich  men  ez  Bookannon  and  Peerse  hed  more  inflooence  with 
him  than  I,  and  they  led  him  astray.  He  squandered  all  the 
estate  yoo  left  him,  the  valuable  part  uv  wich  wuz  bought  in 
by  a concern  at  the  hed  uv  wich  is  A.  Lincoln,  uv  my  State, 
who,  by  makin  a proper  use  uv  it,  is  doin  a good  biznis.  To 
save  him,  1 endorst  for  him  in  ’60,  but  he  bustid  me,  and  sellin 
all  that  he  had  left,  he  w^ent  into  the  employ  uv  the  Calhoon 
concern,  wich  wuz  jest  startin  up,  ez  I left,  and  I am  pained  to 
say  that  he  contracted  to  do  all  their  dirty  work.  It  wuz  that 
wich  killed  him.” 

“ Bury  the  cuss  — he  stinks  ! ” exclaimed  they  all  in  chorious, 
the  noise  whereof  awoke  me. 

I feel  thankful  that  we  modern  Himekrats  see  Jefferson, 
Jaxson,  and  sich,  only  in  dreams. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


154 


AN  ANECDOTE. 


LXI. 

PROPOSES  THE  EMIGRATION  OF  THE  DEMOCRACY. 

Saint's  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  -i 
December  the  8th,  18G4.  ) 

I READ  in  the  Scripters  (a  book  1 alluz  perooze  whenever 
I’m  bad  sick),  siithin  about  ten  tribes  uv  Israel  that  wuz  lost. 
A ijee  struck  me.  I see  a way  by  wich  the  present  unholy, 
devastatin  war  kin  be  stopped,  and  after  givin  the  matter  doo 
considerashen,  I’m  convinst  uv  its  feasibility.  It  is 

EMIGRASHEN  ! 

The  Suthern  branch  uv  the  Dimekratik  party  ought  to  be 
convinst,  by  this  time,  that  they  ain’t  a match  for  the  Ablish- 
nists  a fightin,  jest  ez  the  Northern  wing  hez  diskivered  that 
it  ain’t  no  match  for  em  a votin.  The  fact  is,  tlie  entire  plan 
uv  repairin  the  old  temple  uv  Dimokrasy  with  secession  mortar 
hez  very  much  the  appearance  uv  a failure.  My  father  (a  Noo 
Jersey  Dimekrat)  wunst  spilled  lamp-oil  on  a noo  coat.  He 
askt  a nabor,  who  wuz  reckless,  wat  wood  take  it  out,  and  he 
told  him  sulphuric  acid.  The  old  man  got  some,  and  poured  it 
on.  The  next  day  he  went  over  to  his  adviser  in  great  wrath, 
with  the  remnants  uv  the  coat. 

John,”  said  the  old  gentleman,  didn’t  yoo  tell  me  that 
this  ye  re  acid  wood  eradicate  grease  from  my  coat  ? ” 

Certinly  ; didn’t  it  ? ” 

John,  why  didn’t  you  likewise  tell  me  that  it  would  also 
eradicate  the  coat  ? ” 

Alas  ! the  remedy  Dimokrasy  swallered  to  cure  the  cramp 
colic  it  got  in  1860,  is  gnawin  its  bowels.  It  is  curin  its  ills 
ez  striknin  duz  hydrophoby  in  a dorg. 


Many  of  the  more  venomous  rebels  declared  they  would  emigrate  by  thou- 
sands to  South  America,  or  some  other  region  where  they  would  be  out  of  sight 
and  sound  of  the  Abolitionists,  their  conquerors.  A few  attempted  it,  but  soon 
came  back  to  the  shelter  of  the  government  they  had  tried  to  destroy,  “ sadder, 
but  wiser  men,”  than  A\hen  they  went. 


A MATHEMATICAL  CALCULATION. 


‘ 155 


To  resoom.  Mj  ijee  is  Mexico.  Let  a peece  be  made,  the 
terms  uv  which  are,  that  jest  such  uv  the  people  uv  the  old 
Yoonitid  States  ez  hev  made  up  their  individjle  minds  that 
they  can’t  live  under  Ablishn  tyranii}",  shel  hev  the  privilege 
uv  leavin  with  all  their  goods  and  chattels.  Then  well  go  to 
Mexico,  upset  that  offshoot  uv  European  monerky,  Maxemilian, 
and  set  up  pure  Dimokrasy,  with  ekal  rites  and  slavery  ez  the 
corner-stuns.  Sum  may  object  on  the  ground  that  Maxemilian 
is  by  this  time  too  hefty  to  be  histid.  Here  is  the  forse  we 
kin  kalkilait  on : 


Northern  Dimekrats  in  Canady  in  consekence  uv  drafts,  . . 200,000 

Northern  Dimekrats  at  home  who  spected  orfis  under 

Micklellan, 1,460,000 

Suthern  army,  say,  200,000 

Grand  total, 1,860,000 


Good  Maxemilian  stand  afore  sich  a array  ez  that  ? Not 
any. 

^^But,”  sez  one,  uv  wat  yoose  wood  them  peace  Dimekrats 
and  draft  skeedaddlers  be  to  a military  expedishen?  — they 
won’t  fite.”  My  gentle  friend,  Jeff’son  D.  knows  his  biznis. 
Let  him  whisper  into  ther  ears  that  eacli  and  every  wun  uv 
em  that  survives  shel  hev  a post-orfis,  and  they’d  wade  in  blood 
knee-deep.  0,  it  would  be  a cheerin  site  to  see  them  a chargin 
up  the  steeps  uv  Chepultepec,  with  the  inspirin  cry,  Post- 
orfis  ! ” Evry  wun  uv  em  wood  be  a hero. 

There  we’d  set  up  Dimokrasy  agin.  The  country,  uv  course, 
we’d  divide,  North  and  South,  free  and  slave,  for  a Northern 
Dimekrat  wood  feel  oneasy  in  his  mind  ef  he  hadn’t  a South 
to  serve.  We’d  hold  Nashnel  Convenshuns  in  the  halls  uv  the 
Montezoomers,  and,  0,  woodent  it  be  soothin  to  agin  heer 
Toombs  and  Rhett,  and  them  high-minded  fellers,  a bully-raggin 
uv  us ! Methinks. 

Ez  evry  wun  uv  us  wood  be  offis-holders,  wher  wood  we  git 
constitooence  ? Nacher  hez  pervided.  The  natives  uv  that 
country  wood  serve  admirably.  But  they  coodent  understand 
yoor  speekers.  Troo,  but  them  Mexicans  wood  soot  us  all  the 
better  for  not  understandin  English.  Whenever  a Dimekrat  got 


156 


A SPIRITUAL  SEANCE. 


sense  enuff  into  him  to  comprehend  our  talk,  he  alluz  left  the 
party.  Give  me  the  voter  who  takes  his  faith  on  trust.  It’s 
yoor  inquirin  minds  that  hez  played  the  devil  with  us. 

1 shel  immejitly  perpose  the  matter  to  President  Davis. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


LXII. 

CONSULTS  THE  SPIRITS. 

Saint’sRest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ? 

December  the  19th,  1864.  \ 

I can’t  say  I bleeve  in  speritualism.  I’ve  tried  it  several 
times,  but  the  result  wuz  never  satisfactory.  1 never  cood 
'determine  in  my  own  mind  ez  to  whether  the  sperits  uv  them 
ez  purported  to  be  strangers,  wuz  ginooine,  not  knowin  their 
style,  Avhereupon  I wood  call  up  the  sperit  uv  a deceest  ac- 
quaintance. The  conversashen  wood  then  run  ez  follows : — 

Me.  “Is  the  sperit  of  Jotham  Smith  present?” 

Sperit.  “ It  is.  Who  calls  ? ” 

Me.  “ Nasby,  Petroleum  Y.” 

Sperit.  (Yehemently.)  “ Pay  to  my  widder,  yoo  old  thief, 
the  thirteen  dollars  and  a half  you  borrered  uv  me  six  years 
ago.” 

Now,  that  coodent  hev  been  the  sperit  uv  Jotham  Smith, 
becoz  the  said  Jotham,  when  in  life,  labord  manfully  for  three 
yeers  to  git  that  money,  and  hed  signally  failed,  and  for  years 
hed  quit  try  in.  It  coodent  hev  been  Jotham,  for  he  knowd  me 
too  well.  Ef  it  wuz  his  sperit,  it  proves  concloosively  to  me 
that  the  sperit  is  etherial,  and  when  releest  from  the  body, 
wich  restrains  it,  it  becums  flighty. 

A friend  uv  mine,  here,  is  a speritooalist,  and  he  invited  me 
wun  nite  to  a cirkle.  I went,  hopin  to  find  out  wat  wuz  the 


AN  ASSORTMENT  OF  SPIRITS. 


157 


destiny  nv  the  Diraekratik  party.  I boldly  called  for  the  sperit 
uv  Androo  Jaxon.  It  cum. 

Androo/’  sez  I,  father  uv  Dimokrasy,  I,  wun  uv  yer  per- 
litikle  children  — ” 

Hold  ! ” interuptid  he.  Did  yoo  vote  for  Yalandigum  ? ” 

I supportid  that  persekootid  saint.” 

And  Micklellan  ? ” 

Onquestionably  I votid  for  that  great  general  and  states- 
man.” 

And  after  that  yoo  hev  the  impudence  to  call  yerselves 
children  uv  mine  I Yoor  in  error,  my  gentle  friend,  on  the 
daddy  question,  or  yoo  lie  wilfully.  Yoor  Dimekratik  party 
hezn’t  my  politikle  eyes,  nose,  mouth,  or  expreshun.  Yoor 
the  son  uv  that  hoary  old  traitor,  Calhoon,  and  a mizrable,  de- 
formed, misshapen  ape  it  is.  Yoo  strangled  the  Dimokrasy  I 
left  yoo,  and  hev  put  Calhoon’s  into  its  close.” 

Androo,”  sez  I,  how  do  you  git  along  with  the  latter-day 
Dimokrasy,  who  deceese,  universally  regretted,  et  settry.” 

Git  along  with  em  ! They  don’t  none  uv  em  cum  here. 
There’s  another  and  a hotterer  place  for  sich.”. 

I then  called  for  the  sperit  uv  Floyd,  Bookannon’s  Secretary, 
and  late  Genral  in  Confedrit  servis.  He  cum  to-wunst. 

J.  B.,”  sez  I,  “ wat  is  the  fucher  uv  the  Dimokratic  party?  ” 

“Fucher!”  replied  he,  smilin  a sperit  smile;  why,  man, 
it’s  in  its  fucher  now.  It’s  deceest,  and  ougjit  to  hev  a tomb- 
stun  put  up  to  commemorate  its  virchoos,  immejitly,  and  regard- 
lis  uv  expense.  1 say  regardlis  uv  expense,  becoz,  the  meaner 
a man  is,  the  more  tomb-stun  he  needs.  Marble  is  the  best 
material  to  tell  lies  on  now  in  use.  To  resoom.  Dimokras}^ 
wuz  seized  with  a mortal  illnis  in  ’60,  wen  Linkin  wuz  electid. 
The  blood  is  the  life.  Offis  is  the  blood  uv  Dimokrasy,  and 
wen  that  wuz  withdrawn,  Dimokrasy  wuz  a depleted  cuss.  It 
struggled  agin  hope  until  last  fall,  when  it  kicked  its  last  kick, 
and  a mity  week  kick  it  wuz.  Dost  thou  think  ef  I cood  hev 
been  Secretary  uv  War,  perpetooally,  with  the  unlimited  facili- 
ties for  stealin  we  enjoyed  under  Bookannon,  that  I wood  hev 
rebelled  ? Not  any.  The  North  druv  us  to  it,  by  takin  evry 
wun  uv  the  offisis.” 

He  woodent  communikate  no  more,  and  the  cirkle  closed.  I 


158 


A WAIL  AND  CURSE. 


am  inclined  to  bleeve  them  sperits  wnz  ginooine.  They  told  a 
great  deal  uv  trooth  — trooths  that  we  can’t  get  over.  We 
shel  see. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


LXIII. 

^^WAILETH  AND  CUSSETH.^^ 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ■) 
December  the  26th,  1864.  > 

I’ve  heerd  from  Savanner  ! I hev  read  uv  it.  Fancy  the 
feelins  uv  a man  who  hed  bin  for  weeks  spectin  to  beer  uv 
Sherman’s  bein  entirely  chawed  up  by  the  undanted  Suthern 
melishy ! 

The  follerin  impromptoo  cuss  and  wale  (ekally  mixt)  reflex 
the  stait  uv  mind  uv  the  Dimokrasy  uv  this  secshun  : — 

Hart-sick,  weary,  alone,  bustid. 

Gone-up,  flayed,  skinned,  hung  out. 

Smashed,  pulverized,  shivered,  scattered. 

Physikt,  puked,,  bled,  blistered. 

Sich  is  Dimokrasy ! 

Alone  I sit,  like  Marius,  among  the  ruins ! 

Alone  I sit  and  cuss,  and  this  is  my  cuss  : 

Cussid  be  Calhoon,  for  he  interdoost  us  to  that  painted 
harlot,  State  Rites,  who  sedoost  us. 

Cussid  be  Peerse,  who  consented  to  the  Nebrasky  bill,  wich 
busted  us. 

Cussid  be  Bookannon,  who  favored  Lecompton,wich  peeled  us. 

Cussid  be  Breckinridge,  who  woodent  support  Duglis,  and 
’lectid  Linkin,  wich  give  our  post-orfises  to  Ablishnists. 

Cussid  be  the  post-masters  — may  they  bekum  suddenly 
insane,  and  wildly  go  to  trustin  out  postage  stamps  to 
Dimekrats. 

Cussid  be  Grant,  and  Sheriden,  and  Rosecrance,  for  they’ve 
dun  for  Demokrasy. 


SHERMAN’S  CUSSIDNESS.” 


159 


Cussid  be  them  ez  went  in  the  army  Dimekrats,  and  cum  out 
Ablishnists.  (Wich  is  a epidemic.) 

Cussid  be  Vallandigum,  wich  went  a practisin  law,  leevin 
me  in  the  Dimokrasy  biznis  alone,  without  any  capital  to 
run  on. 

[SPESHLY  HOT.] 

Cussid  be  Sherman,  for  he  took  Atlanta. 

And  he  marcht  thro  the  Confedrisy,  and  respected  not  the 
feelins  uv  ennybody. 

His  path  wuz,  like  Moses’s,  lit  with  pillars  uv  fire  and  smoke, 
only  the  fire  and  smoke  wuz  behind  him. 

His  path  is  a desert  — lo,  the  voice  uv  the  Shanghy  is  heerd 
not  in  all  the  land. 

And  the  people  i^  the  South  lift  up  ther  voices  and  weep, 
becoz  their  niggers  are  not. 

And  he  took  Savanner,  and  cotton  enutf  to  hev  satisfied 
Bookannon’s  cabinet. 

And  he  turns  his  eyes  towards  Charleston,  and  is  seriously 
thinkin  uv  Eichmond. 

He  started  with  three-score  thousand — he  stopped  with 
three-score  and  ten. 

The  wind  bloweth  where  it  listeth  — he  listeth  where  he 
goeth. 

As  the  lode-stone  is  to  steel,  so  is  his  steel  to  the  Georgia 
nigger — it  draweth  him  on. 

Who  will  save  us  from  the  fury  uv  this  Sherman  ? who  will 
deliver  us  from  his  hand  ? 

Johnston  he  beat,  Hood  he  fooled,  and  Wheeler  he  flogged. 

Lee  wood  do  it ; but  he’s  holdin  Grant,  and  can’t  let  go 
uv  him. 

So  he  cavorts  ez  he  wills,  a yearlin  mule  with  a chestnut 
burr  under  his  tail. 

Bitter  in  the  mouth  uv  a Dimekrat  is  quinine,  bitterer  is  gall, 
but  more  bitterer  is  Fedral  victories. 

AVe  hev  bin  fed  on  victories  lately,  and  our  stumick  turns. 

Played  out  is  Davis,  and  Dimokrasy  hez  follered  soot. 

The  Dimokrasy  is  turnin  war-men  — they  are  bowin  the  knee 
to  Linkin. 


160 


A RENUNCIATION. 


Yoorhees  will  yet  be  a Briggadeer,  and  Yallandigum  will 
cry  aloud  for  war  uv  exterminashen,  and  Fernandywood  will 
howl  for  drafts. 

For  tlio  John  Brown’s  body  lies  all  mouldy  in  the  grave,  his 
sole  is  a inarchin  on. 

I ain’t  the  rose  uv  Sharon,  nor  the  lilly  uv  the  valley  — I’m 
the  last  uv  the  Copperheds  ! 

I bilt  my  politikle  house  on  sand  — it  hez  fell,  and  I’m  under 
the  ruins. 

Uv  pollitix  I wash  my  hands,  I shake  its  dust  orf  my  few 
remainin  garments. 

, Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensasliun. 


LXIV. 

BENOUNCES  SLAYEBY. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey), 
January  the  15th,  1865.  5 

The  wages  uv  sin  is  death.”  Sich  is  the  substance  uv  a 
passage  uv  Skripter,  wich,  sence  my  exile  to  this  lonely  shore, 
hez  bin  my  solace.  How  troo  the  remark  ! How  fearfully 
hez  it  bin  realized  ! 

The  anshent  Dimokrasy  owned  this  guverment,  and  mite  hev 
bed  it  to  day.  But  then  they  wuz  a richus  set.  They  wuzn’t 
dissipatid.  They  didn’t  run  after  harlots.  Jaxon,  and  Benton, 
and  Silas  Write,  and  sich  men,  who  wuz  men,  kept  us  strate. 
But  wen  they  went  to  their  respective  rewards,  another  class 
uv  men  occupied  us.  Jim  Bookannon  and  Jeff  Davis  took 
hold  uv  the  Dimekratic  kite,  tore  off  its  time-honored  'tale, 
Ekal  Bites,  and  substitootid  Slavery.  The  result  is  before  the 

In  1865  the  leaders  of  the  Democracy  of  the  Northern  States  were  puzzled 
as  to  the  proper  course  to  take  to  keep  life  in  the  organization.  A very  large 
number  insisted  upon  renouncing  slavery  altogether. 


AND  WHY. 


161 


world.  Dimokrasy  is  in  the  mud,  and  the  Ablishnists  hev  the 
post-orfises.  Alass  ! 

In  the  olden  time  we  used  to  hear  this  song : — 

“ Ho  ! the  car  uv  emansipashen 
Is  rollin  grandly  thro  the  nashen.” 

IVe  seen  the  car.  It’s  on  two  wheels,  and  carries  balls  from 
6 to  500  pounds  in  wate.  Sherman  rode  it  into  Savanner 
totlier  day. 

The  harder  the  work  yoo  do  for  the  devil,  the  more  death 
yoo  git  for  wages.  We  labored  faithfully  in  the  service  uv 
slavery.  We  dismist  our  conshenses,  went  back  on  our  record, 
swore  black  wuz  white,  and  vicy  versy,  even  goin  so  fur  ez  to 
go  into  two  wars  to  perpetuate  it.  What  is  the  result  ? 

Linkin  bez  abolisht  it  by  proclamation.  His  blood-coated 
hirelins  hev  abolisht  it,  niggers  and  all,  wherever  they  hev 
gone,  and  they  hev  made  sum  rather  extensive  toors.  And, 
finally,  the  Confederasy,  wich  wmz  institcoted  to  preserve  it,  is 
purposin  to  throw  it  overboard  ez  the  price  uv  recognishen, 
and  this  they  do  without  stoppin  to  enquire  wat  is  to  bekum 
uv  us  Northern  Dimekrats,  who  hev  tied  ourselves  to  it. 

So  reckless  sailors  fling  overboard  a priceless  cargo,  to  save 
a worthless  hulk.  So  Jonah  wuz  histed  into  the  bilin  waves, 
to  save  a set  uv  mariners  who  wuz  not  prophets.  Wood,  0 
wood  that  I,  like  him,  cood  be  gobbled  by  some  friendly  whale, 
who  wood,  in  doo  time,  vomit  me  out  on  dry  land. 

Slavery  wuz  a huge  Juggernaut.  Jest  so  long  ez  we  North- 
ern Dimekrats  lade  flat  in  the  mud  afore  its  wheels,  we  wuz 
not  injured,  but  merely  shoved  further  into  the  mire,  puttin  us, 
however,  in  the  eggsact  posishun  to  ketch  the  ile  that  dript 
frum  the  axels.  But  it  finally  mashed  us. 

Ez  for  me,  I am  done.  Pm  a anti-slavery  man  from  this  time 
out.  My  conshence  won’t  allow  me  to  support  it  no  longer, 
and,  besides,  it  don’t  pay.  Ez  the  sole  survivin  leader  uv  the 
Dimokrasy,  I shel  immejitly  ishoo  a circular,  instructin  uv  em 
to  make  this  change  uv  front. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lo.it  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 

II 


162 


A SOUL-RENDING  LAMENTATION. 


LXV. 

LAMENTETH. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ) 
January  the  28th,  1865.  5 

The  waters  uv  fanaticism  coverd  all  the  land,  and  the  Dim- 
ekratik  ark  wuz  a floatin  thereon. 

And  Peerse  and  Vallandigum,  and  Vorhees  and  Bright,  and 
Micklellan  and  Eooel,  two  and  two,  wuz  therein,  and  wuz  tired. 

I am  a dove,  a peace  dove. 

I wuz  sent  out  uv  the  ark  to  find  a restin-place,  but  I cood 
find  no  rest  for  the  sole  uv  my  foot.** 

For  ther  wuz  no  abatin  uv  the  flood. 

In  November  our  ark  restid  on  Aryrat,  and  there  it  is,  stuck, 
and  we  are  dolefully  looking  out  uv  the  winders. 

Afore  us,  behind  us,  and  on  both  sides  uv  us,  we  see  our 
enemies,  gorjusly  drest  in  purple  and  fine  linen,  and  a holdin 
the  orfisis. 

They  hev  post-orfisis,  and  custom-houses,  and  furrin  mishns, 
and  collectorships,  and  et  settrys,  wich  is  our  principles. 

Strand  id  on  the  mountain-top,  we  set,  and  set,  and  set. 

Wendell  Phillips  pecks  at  our  heads,  and  Horris  Greely 
stampeth  on  our  corns,  and  lo  ! our  hands  is  tied. 

From  our  mountin-top  we  see  the  armies  goin  forth  to  battle, 
and  we  behold  the  discomfiture  uv  our  friends. 

And  we  make  faces  at  our  enemies. 

Say  in,  Yet  a little  while,  and  England  and  France  shel 
interfere. 

The  provo-marshel  roameth  up  and  down  the  land,  seekin 
whom  he  may  conscript,  and  nobody  dares  bust  him. 

And  we  make  faces. 

All  who  pass  by  clap  their  hands  ; they  hiss  and  wag  their 
beds  at  us,  sayin  : Is  these  Dimokrasy  ? Is  them  the  sons  uv 
J ax son  ? 

And  we  make  faces. 

Two  dollars  is  the  tax  upon  whisky,  and  the  tongue  uv  the 
sucker  cleaveth  to  the  roof  uv  his  mouth  for  thirst  5 the  young 


THE  STUPIDITY  OF  THE  PEOPLE  MOURNED  OVER. 


163 


bmnmer  asks  for  nips,  but  no  man  poureth  out  till  he  observeth 
the  currency. 

They  that  did  drink  juleps  are  down  to  corn-joose,  and  they 
that  delighted  in  new  whisky  are  burnin  their  bowels  with 
camphene. 

The  mole  is  blind,  but  not  more  blinderer  than  we. 

When  the  men  uv  the  South  drew  the  sword,  why  did  we 
jine  ourselves  to  em  ? 

Why  did  we  try  eatin  fire,  whose  mouth  witz  made  for 
cheese  ? Why  did  we  tie  ourselves  to  a corpse  ? 

Who  shel  deliver  us  ? Who  shel  take  us  out  uv  the  hands 
uv  our  enemy  ? 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 

LXVI. 

DETAILS  THE  FAILURES  OF  THE  DEMOCRACY. 

Saint’s  Eest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ) 
February  the  10th,  1865.  | 

People  is  queer!  Humanity,  pertiklerly  Amerikin  humanity, 
viewed  from  a Dimekratik  standpint,  is  a inscrootable  mystery. 
To  the  undersined  iCs  a staggrer.  For  instance. 

The  normal  instiuks  uv  mankind  is  not  to  work.  Dimokrasy 
hez  bin  a holdin  out  to  the  Amerikin  people  the  priceless  boon 
uv  nigger  slavery  — the  onspeakable  happinis  uv  hevin  others 
sweat  for  em  — uv  passin  a lifetime  a suckin  mint-juleps  thro 
straws,  and  smokin  ten-cent  cigars,  on  the  work  uv  others.  It 
wuz  rejectid. 

I wuz  a thinkin  the  matter  over  to-nite,  and  I wuz  shockt  at 
the  remarkable  yoonanimity  with  wich  every  distinktive  meas- 
ure proposed  by  the  Dimokrasy  hez  bin  repoodiated  by  the 
people. 

We  told  em  the  South  wood  rebel,  ef  they  voted  for  Linkin. 
They  voted  for  Linkin. 


164 


FAILURES  IN  THE  BUSINESS  OF  PROPHESYING. 


We  told  em  greenbax  and  guverment  bonds  wood  be  entirely 
worthless.  They  take  the  greenbax,  and  subscribe  for  the 
bonds  with  a loosenis  onparalleled. 

We  told  em  they  cood  never  whip  the  South.  They  went  in 
and  are  whippin  the  South,  with  neatnis  and  dispatch. 

We  warned  em  agin  drafts,  and  sich.  They  go  and  vote  for 
drafts  — indeed,  I heerd  wmn  recreant  Dimekrat  observe  that 
he  rather  liked  a draft  wunst  or  twict  per  annum,  they  varied 
the  monotony.  ‘fAnd  then,”  sed  he,  a feller  feels  so  good 
when  he  finds  he  ain’t  drawd.” 

We  told  em  the  war  wood  go  on  ef  Linkin  wuz  re-electid. 
They  went  and  re-electid  Linkin. 

We  told  em  that  any  interference  with  slavery  wood  rooin 
North  and  South.  They  abolisht  it  in  a lump. 

In  short,  the  people  is  crazy.  Watever  the  Dimokrasy 
endorses,  the  people  reject ; watever  the  Dimokrasy  recom- 
mends, the  people  condemn.  I’m  convinst  uv  the  trooth  uv 
the  Millerite  doctrine  — the  end  uv  the  world  is  at  hand. 

Ez  for  me,  I care  not  how  soon  it  comes.  Life  is  not  meas- 
ured by  yeers.  I am  three  score  in  yeers,  but  I hev  consoomed 
enuff  whisky  for  a man  uv  a hundred.  Therefore  I am  ready. 
Whenever  the  Dimokrasy  finally  pegs  out,  I want  to  go  like- 
wise, for  with  it  my  mission  is  ended. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 

LXVII. 

MR.  NASBY  AND  HIS  FRIENDS  HOLD  A MEETING 
ON  THE  FALL  OF  CHARLESTON. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ) 
February  the  23d,  1865.  ^ 

Ther  are  but  a very  few  troo  Dimekrats  left  in  this  sekshun 
uv  Noo  Jersey  — very  few.  The  young  wuns  hev  all  enlistid 

The  more  virulent  sympathizers  with  the  Rebellion  in  the  North  insisted 
that  the  fall  of  Charleston  was  “ the  best  thing  that  could  have  happened  to  the 
South,”  and  for  the  reason  given  in  the  text. 


A MOIST  SEASON. 


165 


and  turned  Ablishnists,  and  the  old  wuns  are  peggin  out  with 
delirium  tremens.  The  whisky  we  git  now-ardays  burns  our 
coppers  out  feerfully. 

A few  uv  us,  whose  stumicks  is  trooly  glass,  met  last  nite  to 
shed  a teer  or  two  over  the  fall  uv  Charleston.  Square  Potts, 
who  hez  bin  the  reglar  chairman  for  this  county  for  thirty 
years,  took  the  chair,  on  his  own  motion,  weepin  perfoosely. 

Obed  Peasly,  who  is  our  ex-offisho  secretary,  bein  the  only 
wun  in  this  visinity  who  kin  rite,  took  his  seet,  without  a 
motion,  a weepin  profoosely. 

The  rest  uv  the  awjence  moved  that  they  be  vice-presidents, 
wich  wnz  carried,  and  they  took  their  seats  as  sich,  weepin 
perfoosely. 

Here  a hitch  occurred — there  wuz  nobody  left  for  committee 
on  resolushens.  Three  uv  the  vice-presidence  promptly  resined 
and  wuz  elected  ez  sich  committee,  when  they  (weepin  per- 
foosely) reported  the  follerin,  wich  the  secretary  had  previ- 
ously rit : — 

Wakeas,  Charleston,  the  only  place  on  the  continent  wher 
pure  Dimokrasy  abidid,  hez  follerd  Atlanty  and  Savanner,  and 
fallen  into  the  hands  uv  Ablishn  hirelins  ; and 

[Here  the  secretary  paused,  that  the  floor  mite  be  mopt.] 

Wareas,  The  prospect  is  lively  for  Richmond,  and  the  rest 
uv  the  Confederasy,  follerin  soot ; therefore,  be  it 

Resolvd^  That  we  emphatically  and  unreservedly  protest 
agin  a further  continooance  uv  this  unholy,  unconstooshnel, 
unmittigatid,  and  sooicidle  war. 

Resolvdj  That  we  now  maintain  what  we  hev  alluz  assertid, 
that  eight  millions  uv  free  white  men  can’t  be  subjoogatid  at 
any  price. 

Resolvd,  That  we  congratulate  our  heroic  brethren  uv  the 
South,  who  is  strugglin  for  ther  rites,  upon  the  successful 
evacuation  uv  Atlanty  and  Savanner  and  Charleston,  becoz, 
hevin  them  places  less  to  defend,  they  kin  consentrate  sum- 
where  else  to  better  advantage. 

Resolvd^  That  the  slowness  uv  England  and  France  at 
interferin,  deserves  our  reprehenshun,  and  that  ef  they  are 
ever  goin  to  do  it,  now’s  the  time. 

Resolvd^  That  them  Dimekrats  who  let  on  they  feel  ez  good 


166 


THE  FALL  OF  CHARLESTON  A BLESSING. 


ez  the  Ablishnists  do  over  these  victrys,  is  unworthy  the  name. 
We  warn  eni  that  it  ain’t  no  yoose.  The  Ablishnists  have 
eniilf  strate-outers  uv  their  own  to  hold  all  orfises,  and  that  turnin 
into  war-men,  at  this  late  day,  is  ruther  too  fishy  to  fool  even 
the  blindest  uv  em. 

Besolvd,  That  we  damnd  the  war  at  the  beginnin,  and  that 
we,  uv  Noo  Jersey,  damn  it  now,  and  will  so  continyoo  to  the 
end  uv  the  chapter,  bein  conservative  and  terribly  sot  in 
our  way. 

Besolvd,  That  callin  out  300,000  fresh  men  to  fite  our 
eggsaustid  Suthern  brethrin,  is  not  only  unchivalrous,  but  is 
takin  a mean  advantage  uv  a noble  people,  and  that  we  hereby 
demand  uv  Linkin  that  he  revoke  the  order. 

Besolvd,  That  such  uv  us  ez  are  draftid  shel  hev  the 
privilige  uv  choosin  whether  they  will  die  in  their  own  door- 
yards,  or  run  to  Canady.  We  onhesitatingly  recommend  the 
latter  course,  providin  alluz,  they  kin  git  back  afore  the  next 
eleckshun. 

The  resolushuns  Avere,  uv  course,  adoptid  — the  cheerman, 
ez  is  the  custom  here  wen  he  wants  resolutions  past,  only 
puttin  the  affirmative  side.  After  wich  I felt  a call  to  speak, 
and  I did  so,  remarkin  : 

That  the  loosness  with  wich  teers  wuz  bein  shed,  showd  that 
the  heart  uv  the  Dimokrasy  wuz  touched  that  I wuz  glad  to 
se  em  flow,  becoz  it  showd  how  dost  a feelin  eggsistid  atween 
the  Dimokrasy,  North  and  South.  But  there  wuz  really  no 
cause  for  teers. 

The  triumphs  the  Ablishnists  hed  gained  avuz  no  advantages. 
Charleston  hed  fallen,  it  wuz  troo.  While  I regretted  the  hard 
necessity,  I wuz  trooly  glad  uv  it.  The  feelings  uv  them 
peeple  hed  bin  hurt,  no  doubt.  But  AAmt  uv  thaf?  It  avuz 
easier  to  let  go  uv  Charleston  than  to  hold  on  to  it.  They 
coodent  hold  that  city  any  more  than  they  cood  Atlanty  and 
Savanner,  and,  therefore,  strategy  required  its  surrender.  The 
good  uv  the  Confedrisy  required  that  they  should  leave,  and  O, 
my  brethren,  with  Avat  alacrit}^  they  obeyed  the  call.  They 
may  find  it  necessary  to  resine  Richmond.  Shel  aa^c  therefore 
be  cast  doAvn?  Not  any.  J see  Lee’s  strategy.  He  calculates 
on  givin  up  all  them  towns.  Grant  and  Sherman  will  he\^  to 


A LAMENTATION. 


167 


leave  a garrison  in  each  uv  em,  until  ther  armies  is  all  divided 
up  into  garrisons  ; then  comes  the  crisis.  He  takes  them  small 
garrisons,  one  at  a time,  and  gobbles  em.  That's  his  ijee,  I make 
no  doubt.  Let  us,  my  brethren,  keep  a stiff  upper  lip.  The 
more  territory  Sherman  gits,  the  wuss  he  is  orf.  I wate 
impashently  to  heer  uv  his  marchin  on,  feelin  that  at  last  Lee 
will  whale  him. 

I concludid,  leavin  em  in  good  humor.  Takin  advantage  uv 
the  feelin,  1 borrered  sum  eight  dollars  uv  twelve  uv  em,  wich, 
with  wat  credit  I hev  establisht  here,  will  keep  me  runnin 
some  time. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


LXVIII. 

LAMENTETH  OVER  THE  APOSTASY  OF  THE 

SAINTS. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ^ 
March  the  13th,  1865.  > 

I HEV  peroosed  the  papers  agin. 

To  me,  noosepapers  is  pizen,  and  the  telegraph  wuss  than 
watered  whisky. 

For  they  bring  tidings  uv  evil  to  me,  and  tidings  uv  grate 
joy  to  the  Ablishnists. 

Wilmington  hez  follered  Charleston,  and  Columby  is  a mass 
uv  rooins. 

Sherman  hez  gone  and  did  it  agin,  and  Bragg  succumbs  to 
Schofield. 

Lee  is  in  Richmond  like  a rat  in  a cistern  — he  can’t  git  out, 
and  it’s  shoor  death  to  stay  in. 

Weepin  I can’t  do,  for  my  water- works  hev  given  out  from 


The  succession  of  victories  won  by  tlie  Federal  armies  wrought  a wonder- 
ful change  in  the  Northern  Democratic  mind.  All  who  had  not  committed 
themselves  too  publicly,  suddenly  became  war  men. 


168 


A LOSS  OF  FAITH  IN  HUMANITY. 


too  much  yoose ; cussin  is  uv  no  avail,  for  I can’t  do  justis  to 
the  subject. 

And  the  household  uv  the  faithful  hev  apostatized  — they 
bow  the  knee  to  tlie  Moloch  Linkin. 

Wher  is  them  who  bought  revolvers  to  resist  the  drafts  ? 

Lo  ! them  ez  live  in  Noo  Hampsheer  is  filin  affidavits  that 
they  bought  em  to  plant  corn,  by  shootin  the  kernels  atween 
the  cracks  uv  the  stuns  in  their  fields,  ez  is  the  custom  uv  the 
country. 

Them  ez  live  in  the  West  sware  great  oathsThat  they  bought 
em  to  shoot  rats  with. 

Wher  is  them  ez  swore  solemn  oath,  in  their  lodges,  to  give 
neither  man  nor  dollar  for  the  war  ? 

Lo  ! they  shell  out  their  hundreds  to  draft  funds,  and  are 
busy  gettin  substitoots. 

Wher  is  them  who  swore  ef  they  had  to  go,  they  wood  shoot 
North  ? 

Lo  ! they  wuz  drafted,  and  they  went  like  lambs  to  the 
slaw  ter,  and  are  now  enthoosiastic  in  the  killin  uv  their 
Suthern  brethern. 

Wher  is  them  who  swore  no  nigger  shood  cum  North  ? 

Verily,  the  contraband  sweateth  on  their  farms  at  twelve 
dollars  per  month  — for  his . labor  they  hug  him  to  their 
buzzums. 

Wher  is  them  who  propheside  that  greenbax  wood  be  wuth- 
less,  and  swore  they  would  never  take,  em  ? 

Lo  ! they  sell  their  bosses,  and  their  wheat,  and  their  lands, 
and  will  reseeve  in  pay  therefor  nuthin  else  ; they  hoard  em 
close,  ez  the  hat  will  show  that  goeth  around  at  the  close  uv 
my  lectures. 

Where  is  them  v/ho  contributed  to  the  support  uv  Vallan- 
digum  ? 

In  my  distress  I asked  wun  uv  em  for  a single  quarter, 
and  he  bade  me  be  damned. 

There  is  no  faith  in  mankind  — there  is  none  troo  — no,  not 
wun. 

The  party  hez  flickered  out  — it  standeth  not  up  in  its 
strength — it  hez  no  more  backbone  than  an  eel. 

In  disgust  I spit  upon  it  — in  my  wrath  I leave  it  to  its  fate. 


TKE  FALL  OF  RICHMOND. 


169 


Vallandigum  and  Yoorhees  hev  gone  into  the  law;  I shel 
embark  into  bounty-jumpin. 

^ Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Pastor  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


LXIX. 

THE  FALL  OF  RICHMOND  AND  LEE’S  SURRENDER. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  > 
April  the  lOtli,  1865.  ^ 

I SURVIVED  the  defeat  nv  Breckinridge  in  1860,  becoz  I 
knowd  the  Dimokrasy  cood  raise  np  in  arms  agin  the  uncon- 
stooshnality  uv  electin  a seckshnal  President,  who  wuz  impreg- 
natid  with  any  seckshnal  ijees  that  he  got  north  uv  Mason  and 
Dixon’s  line.  . ' 

I survived  the  defeat  uv  Micklellan  (who  wuz,  trooly,  the 
nashen’s  hope  and  pride  likewise),  becoz  I felt  ashoored  that 
the  rane  uv  the  goriller  Linkin  wood  be  a short  Avun ; that  in  a 
few  months,  at  furthest,  Ginral  Lee  wood  capcher  Washinton, 
depose  the  ape,  and  set  up  there  a constooshnal  guverment, 
based  upon  the  great  and  immutable  trooth  that  a white  man  is 
better  than  a nigger. 

I survived  the  loss  uv  Atlanty,  and  Savanner,  and  Charles- 
ton, becoz,  dependin  on  Suthern  papers,  I bleeved  that  them 
places  Avuz  given  up  — mind,  given  up  — becoz  the  Confedrits 
desired  to  concentrate  for  a crushin  blow. 

I survived  the  fall  uv  Richmond,  tho  it  wuz  a staggerer ; 
becoz  I still  bed  faith  that  that  grate  and  good  man,  Lee,  did  it 
for  stratejy,  that  he  mite  concentrate  hisself  surnwhere  else  ; 
and  when  the  Ablishnists  jeered  me,  and  sed  Richmond,”  and 
“ Go  up,  bald  head,”  to  me,  I shook  my  fist  at  em,  and  sed. 
Wait,  and  you’ll  see.” 

I wuz  a lookin  for  the  blow  that  wuz  to  foller  this  concen- 
tratin.  It  cum  ! 

But  it  wuz  us  who  reseeved  it,  and  a death  blow  it  wuz. 


170 


THE  LAST  DITCH  AT  LAST. 


Ajacks  defied  tlie  litenin ; cood  he  hev  bin  a Northern  Dime- 
krat,  and  stood  this  lick  unmoved^  he  mite  hev  done  it  with 
perfect  safety.  ^ 

Lee  surrendered  ! ” 

Good  hevins  ! Is  this  the  end  uv  the  concentratin  ? Is  this 
the  djin  in  the  last  ditch  ? Is  this  the  fightin  till  the  last  man 
wuz  a inanimate  corpse  ? Is  this  the  bringin  up  the  childrin 
to  take  their  places,  ez  the  old  ones  peg  out  under  Yankee 
bullets  ? 

Lee  surrendered  ! 

Why,  this  ends  the  biznis.  Down  goes  the  curtain.  The 
South  is  conhered!  conkered  ! ! CONKERED  ! ! ! Linkin  rides 
into  Richmond  ! A Illinois  rail-splitter,  a buffoon,  a ape,  a 
goriller,  a smutty  joker,  sets  hisself  down  in  President  Davises 
cheer,  and  rites  despatches  ! Where  are  the  matrons  uv  Vir- 
ginia ? Did  they  not  bare  their  buzzums  and  rush  onto  the 
Yankee  bayonets  that  guarded  the  monster  ? Did  they  not 
cut  their  childern’s  throtes,  and  wavin  a Confedrit  flag  in  one 
hand,  plunge  a meat-knife  into  their  throbbin  buzzums  with 
the  tether,  rather  than  see  their  city  dishonored  by  the  tread 
uv  a conkerer’s  foot  ? Alars  ! not  wunst. 

Per  contrary ! I read  in  the  papers  'that  they  did  rush 
wildly  thro  the  streets,  with  their  childern  in  their  arms. 

But  it  wuz  at  the  Yankee  commissary  trains,  who  give  em 
bread  and  meat,  wich  they  eat  vociferously. 

Their  buzzums  was  bare. 

But  it  wuz  becoz  their  close  bed  worn  out,  and  they  didn’t 
know  how  to  weave  cloth  for  new  wuns. 

In  breef,  they  actid  about  ez  mean  ez  a Northern  Dimekrat 
ever  did,  and  to  go  lower  is  unnessary. 

This  ends  the  chapter.  The  confederasy  hez  at  last  concen- 
tratid  its  last  concentrate.  It’s  dead.  It’s  gathered  up  its  feet, 
sed  its  last  words,  and  deceest.  And  with  it  the  Dimokrasy 
hez  likewise  given  up  the  ghost.  It  may  survive  this,  but  I 
can’t  see  how.  We  staked  our  politikle  fortune  on  it;  we 
went  our  bottom  dollar  on  it ; it’s  gone  up,  and  we  ditto.  Lin- 
kin will  serve  his  term  out  — the  tax  on  .whiskey  won’t  be 
repealed  — our  leaders  will  die  off  uv  chagrin,  and  delirium 
tremens,  and  inability  to  live  so  long  out  uv  offis,  and  the  sheep 


How  Nasby  would  have  Died  in  the  last  Ditch.  Page  170. 


THE  DEATH  OF  LINCOLN. 


171 


will  be  scattered.  Farewell,  vane  world.  I’ll  embrace  the 
Catholic  faith  and  be  a nun,  and  in  a cloister  find  that  rest  that 
pollytics  kin  never  give. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Pisj^ensashun. 

■ — — 

LXX. 

THE  ASSASSINATION. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  > 
April  the  20th,  1865.  \ 

The  nashen  mourns  ! The  hand  uv  the  vile  assassin  hez  bin 
raised  agin  the  Goril  — the  head  uv  the  nashen,  and  the  peo- 
ple’s Father  hez  fallen  beneath  the  hand  uv  a patr  — vile 
assassin. 

While  Aberham  Linkin  wuz  a livin,  I need  not  say  that  I did 
not  love  him.  Blessed  with  a mind  uv  no  ordinary  dimensions, 
endowed  with  all  the  goodness  uv  Washinton,  I alluz  bleeved 
him  to  hev  bin  guilty  uv  all  the  crimes  uv  a Nero. 

No  man  in  Noo  Jersey  laments  his  untimely  death  more  than 
the  undersined.  I commenst  weepin  perfoosely  the  minit  I 
diskivered  a squad  uv  returned  soljers  comin  round  the  cor- 
ner, who  wuz  a forcin  constooshnel  Dimekrats  to  hang  out 
mournin. 

Troo,  he  didn’t  agree  with  me,  but  I kin  overlook  that  — it 
wuz  his  misforchoon.  Troo,  he  hung  unoffendin  men,  in  Ken- 
tucky, wdiose  only  crime  wuz  in  bein  loyal  to  wat  they  deemed 
their  guverment,  ez  tho  a man  in  this  free  country  coodent 
choose  wich  guverment  he’d  live  under.  Troo,  he  made  cold- 
blooded war,  in  the  most  fiendish  manner,  on  the  brave  men  uv 


The  northern  secessionists  had,  from  the  beginning,  represented  President 
Lincoln  as  worse  than  a brute.  The  leading  men  of  tlie  party  were  in  a pe- 
culiar situation  at  his  death.  The  loyal  people  compelled  them  to  conceal  the 
satisfaction  they  felt  at  his  tragical  taking  off.  Like  the  Parson,  they  “wept 
profusely  tlie  moment  they  saw  a squad  of  returned  soldiers  coming  round 
the  corner.” 


172 


AND  ITS  EFFECT. 


the  South,  who  wuz  only  assertin  the  heaven-born  rite  uv  roolin 
theirselves.  Troo,  he  levied  armies,  made  up  uv  pimps,  whose 
chiefest  delite  wuz  in  ravishin  the  wives  and  daughters  uv  the 
South,  and  a miscellaneous  burnin  their  houses.  Troo,  he  kept 
into  offis  jist  sich  men  ez  wood  sekund  him  in  his  hell-begotten 
skeems,  and  dismist'  every  man  who  refused  to  becum  ez  de- 
praved ez  he  wuz.  Troo,  he  wood  read  uv  these  scenes  uv 
blood  and  carnage,  and  in  high  glee  tell  filthy  anecdotes ; like- 
wise wood  he  ride  over  the  field  uv  battle,  and  ez  the  wheels 
uv  his  gorjus  carriage  crushed  into  the  shuddrin  earth  the 
bodies  uv  the  fallen  braves,  sing  Afrikin  melodies.  Yet  I,  in 
common  with  all  troo  Dimekrats,  weep  ! We  weep  ! We  wish 
it  to  be  distinkly  understood,  we  weep  ! Ther  wuz  that  in  him 
that  instinktively  forces  us  to  weep  over  his  death,  and  to 
loathe  the  foul  assassin  who  so  suddenly  removed  so  much 
loveliness  uv  character.  He  hed  ended  the  war  uv  oppression 
— he  hed  subjoogatid  a free  and  brave  people,  who  were  strug- 
glin  for  their  rites,  and  hed  em  under  his  feet ; but  I,  in  com- 
mon with  all  Dimekrats,  mourn  his  death  ! 

Hed  it  happened  in  1862,  when  it  wood  hev  been  uv  sum 
use  to  us,  we  wood  not  be  so  bowed  down  with  woe  and  anguish. 
It  wood  hev  tlirowd  the  guverment  into  confusion,  and  proba- 
bly hev  sekoored  the  independence  uv  the  South. 

But,  alas  ! the  tragedy  cum  at  the  wrong  time  ! 

Now,  we'  are  saddled  with  the  damnin  crime,  when  it  will 
prodoose  no  results.  The  war  wuz  over.  The  game  wuz  up 
when  Bichmond  wuz  evacuated.  Why  kill  Linkin  then  ? For 
revenge  ? Revenge  is  a costly  luxury — a party  so  near  bank- 
rupt ez  the  Dimokrasy  cannot  afford  to  indulge  in  it.  The 
wise  man  hez  no  sich  word  ez  revenge  in  his  dictionary  — the 
fool  barters  his  hope  for  it. 

Didst  think  that  Linkin’s  death  wood  help  the  South  ? Lin- 
kin’s  hand  wuz  velvet  — Johnson’s  may  be,  to  the  eye,  but  to 
the  feel  it  will  be  found  iron.  Where  Linkin  switched,  John- 
son will  flay.  Where  Linkin  banished,  Johnson  will  hang. 

Davis  wuz  shocked  when  he  heard  it  — so  wuz  I,  and,  in 
common  with  all  troo  Dimekrats,  I weep. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


A DEFENCE  OF  NEW  JERSEY. 


173 


LXXI. 

MAKES  A DELEGASHUN  UY  HISSELF/’  AND 
VISITS  THE  PEESIDENT. 

Saint’s  Kest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ^ 

May  the  21st,  1865.  5 

All  tlie  Staits  iiv  the  North,  and  the  heft  uv  em  recently 
subjoogatid,  all  the  societies,  associashuns,  and  churches  that 
ever  I heerd  uv,  hev  sent  delegashuns  for  the  purpose  uv 
volunteerin  advice  to  Johnson,  the  new  President.  Feelin  that 
Noo  Jersey  shood  not  be  behind  in  the  advice  biznis,  I elected 
myself  a delegashun,  borrered  a clean  shirt,  and  traveled  to 
Washinton.  I wuz  announct  ez  a delegashun  from  Noo  Jer- 
sey,” and  wuz  to-wunst  usberd  into  the  presence. 

Wher  is  the  delegashun  ? ” ejakoolated  the  President : 
“ hurry  em  up,  for  I’ve  thirteen  more  to  reseeve  this  afternoon.” 

Androo  Johnson,”  sed  I,  impressively,  represent  Noo 
Jersey,  a Stait  that  hez  just  dun  honor  to  the  deceest  President.” 

Troo,”  returned  he  ; sich  States  honor  patriots  — after 
they  are  dead.” 

I resent  the  insinooashun,  with  scorn.  Ez  proof  that  the 
murder  uv  the  President  wrung  the  popular  heart  uv  Noo  Jer- 
sey, let  me  say,  sir,  that  the  Camden  and  Amboy  Directors,  at 
a meetin  called  for  the  purpose,  absolootel}^  votid  to  carry  the 
corpse  uv  the  deceest  President  over  the  road  for  half-fare  ! a 
honor  never  before  accordid  to  any  livin  er  dead  individjooal. 
But  let  that  pass.  Noo  Jersey  needs  no  speshl  pleader.  Ther 
she  stands.  Look  at  her  — ef  yoo  hev  a microscope. 

I come,  Androo,  ez  a original  Dimekrat,  who,  whatever 
other  sins  he  may  hev  committed,  never  skratcht  his  tickit  er 
dilooted  his  whisky.  In  behalf  uv  that  Dimokrasy  I speak. 

On  the  accession  of  Vice  President  Johnson  to  the  executive  chair  delegates 
from  all  sections,  and  from  all  sorts  of  associations,  poured  into  the  Executive 
mansion  to  assure  him  of  their  patriotic  co-operation,  and  to  offer  suggestions 
as  to  the  course  he  should  pursue.  The  suggestions  advanced  hy  Southern 
and  Northern  Democratic  delegations  were  all  in  one  direction.  They  urged 
“ conciliation,”  of  such  a character  as  would  have  left  the  South  more  com- 
pletely in  control  of  the  politics  of  the  country  than  before  the  Rebellion. 


174 


THE  ONLY  PLAN. 


Ez  hez  bin  menshund  to  yoo  wunst  er  twict,  a immense 
responsibility  rests  on  yoor  sholders.  The  Suthern  States 
struggled  for  their  rites,  but  were  squelcht.  They  fought  like 
heroes,  but  fell,  becoz  uv  overpowerin  numbers  agin  em. 
Theyh'e  down  — yoor  iron  heel  is  onto  their  necks.  What  will 
yoo  do  ? Will  yoo  grind  em,  er  will  yoo  be  magnanimus  ? 

Wunst  we  wuz  a happ}^  nashen,  and  we  kin  be  so  agin  — 
it  rests  with  yoo.  Yoo  must  consiliate  the  Dimokrasy.  Our 
party  North  is  magnanimus.  We  stand  ready  to  forgive 
yoo  for  hevin  draftid  us,  for  hevin  taxt  us  to  support  a uncon- 
stooshnel  war,  providin  you’ll  stop  now.  Woo  our  Suthern 
brethrin  back  with  gentle  words.  They  are  a high-sp^dted 
and  sensitive  race,  that  kin  never  be  subjoogatid.  Take  em 
agin  to  your  buzzum,  and  don’t  hoomiliate  em  by  degradin  con- 
dishuns.  Give  em  a chanse  to  forgive  us  for  whalin  uv  em. 
Kestore  their  niggers,  pay  ther  war  debt,  invite  Magoffin,  and 
Vance,  and  Brown,  and  the  rest  uv  the  guverment  back  to  their 
various  capitols  — give  Lee,  and  Johnson,  and  Boregard  ther 
posishuns  in  the  reglar  army,  and  penshun  the  disabled  Con- 
fedrit  heroes. 

Ther  mustn’t  be  no  hangin.  You’ve  got  that  unfortnit 
statesman,  Davis  — he  fell  into  yoor  hands  becoz  he  wuz  igno- 
rant uv  the  style  uv  yoor  (late  Linkin’s)  minions.  He  mite 
hev  knowd  that  the  soljers  never  saw  a woman  takin  to  the 
woods  without  chasin  her.  But  he  must  not  be  hung.  Di- 
mockrasy  looks  upon  the  matter  thus  : - — 

Yoo  can’t  hang  a man  for  conspirin  agin  a guverment  onless 
he  takes  up  arms. 

Ef  a few  take  up  arms  it’s  only  a riot,  and  no  hangin  mat- 
ter, ’cept  when  Ablishnists,  like  John  Brown,  do  it.  In  sich 
cases  hangin  is  alluz  in  order. 

Ef  a number  uv  staits  do  it,  it’s  a revolooshen,  and  them 
ez  yoo  capcher  must  be  treated  ez  bellyjiggerants  and  prison- 
ers uv  war.  To  hang  prisoners  uv  war,  Androo,  is  murder. 

This  would  probably  satisfy  the  South.  At  the  North  less 
is  required.  The  Dimokrasy  is  easily  conciliated.  Give  our 
leaders  enuff  uv  the  offisis  to  support  em,  with  the  privilege 
uv  managin  tilings  to  soot  us,  and  the  trouble  is  ore.  On  them 
terms  we’ll  support  yoor  Administrashen,  or  any  other  man’s, 


AN  INTERVIEW  WITH  THE 


175 


cordially  and  heartily,  and  peace  will  agin  ’wave  her  white 
pinions  over  the  land,  and  will  contiiiyoo  to  wave  em  ontil  the 
Suthern  heart  is  agin  fired. 

1 hev  dim  — Noo  Jersey  hez  spoke.” 

I rather  spect  my  words  will  bear  froot.  Look  out  for  a 
change  uv  policy. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


LXXII. 

HAS  A VISION. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ? 

May  the  31st,  1865.  ^ 

Dreams  wuz  common  in  the  old  skriptooral  times,  and  wuz 
considerd  ez  prophetikle.  I hed  a dreem  last  nite,  wich  may 
or  not  mean  suthin.  Ef  it  may,  Lord  help  the  undersined,  is 
my  prayer,  continooally. 

I dreamed  I wuz  dead  — that,  assistid  by  a typhus  fever 
and  two  doctors,  I hed  busted  the  bonds  uv  mortality,  and  hed 
sored  to  tlie  unknown  hereafter.  Up  I went  to  the  gates  uv 
the  tother  world,  wher  I wuz  confronted  by  Peter. 

Wher  yoo  from  ? ” sez  he. 

Noo  Jersey,”  sez  I. 

Wuz  yoo  a good  cittizen?  ” sez  he. 

I wuz  a Dimekrat  who  never  scratcht  a tickit,”  sez  I. 

Hev  yoo  votid  that  tickit  for  the  last  four  years,  and  kin 
yoo  read  ? ” sez  he. 

I hev  and  kin,”  sez  I. 

Then  yoor  place  is  below.”  sez  he.  Git.” 

Wich  I did.  I met  his  Majesty,  Satan  the  I.,  at  his  door,  and 
he  welcomed  me  corjelly.  I wuz  disappointed  in  his  personal 
appearance.  He  wuz  a middle-aged  man,  gentlemanly  in  style, 
resemblin  Jeff ’son  Davis  very  much,  only  hevin  a more  intellec* 
tooal  cast  uv  countenance. 


176 


WHO  WILL  AND  WHO  WILL  NOT. 


Welcome/’  sez  he.  I hev  bin  spectin  yoo  sum  time.’’ 

Hev  yoo  many  uv  the  Dimokrasy  with  yoo/’  sez  1. 

Not  many  uv  the  ginooine  Copperheds/’  sez  he. 

“ Uv  course,  yoo  hevn’t/’  sez  1 ; “ we  average  ez  good  ez  — ” 

‘‘  That’s  not  it/’  sez  he,  gazin  onto  me  with  a expreshun  uv 
intense  fondness,  that’s  not  jist  it.  All  but  about  ten  or 
eleven  from  each  county  git  out  by  pleadin  ignorance,  and 
idiocy,  and  sich.  But  it’s  all  rite.  I make  it  up  by  hevin  a 
heavier  force  to  spare  to  stir  up  the  few  leaders.  Yoo  kin  read 
print,  can’t  yoo  ? ” he  askt  anxshusly. 

I kin,”  sez  I. 

All  rite,”  sez  he.  Jefferson  Davis  will  be  along  in  a few 
months,  tho  ef  he  don’t  show  more  man  than  he  did  when  he 
wuz  caught,  he’ll  make  poor  amusement.” 

‘^He’s  a disgrace  to  his  sex  — he  ort  to  hev  bin  a woman,” 
sez  I. 

Troo,”  retorts  he ; “ but,  ez  Shakspeer  sez,  ^ there’s  a 
divinity  that  shapes  our  ends.’  Then  Alec  Stephens  ! ” 

“ Will  yoo  git  him  ? He  wuz  originally  opposed  to  seceshn.” 

That’s  my  best  holt.  Davis  wuz  alluz  a secesh  ; Benjamin  ' 
wuz,  becoz  he  thot  it  wood  pay  — on  them  I’ve  hed  a morgage 
ever  sence  they  arrived  at  the  years  uv  accountability.  Ste- 
phens knowd  seceshn  wuz  wrong — he  can’t  pleed  ignorance 
nor  nuthin,  for  he  warnd  his  people  agin  it,  and  then  wuz  hot 
up  into  doin  it  hisself  for  the  poor  privilege  uv  playin  second 
fiddle  to  Jeff  Davis,  who  drawd  a mizrable  bow  hisself.  I’ve 
dead  wood  on  him.” 

Tell  me,  gentle  sir,”  sez  I,  how  about  Fernandywood, 
Yallandigum,  et  at.,  ez  the  lawyers  say.” 

In  doo  time  they’re  mine,”  sez  he.  They  can’t  save 
themselves  by  repentance,  even.  They  are  now  past  forty, 
and  ef  they’d  commence  in  dead  earnest,  tryin  to  do  ez  much 
good  ez  they  hev  bad,  and  lived  till  they  wuz  ez  old  ez  Me- 
thoozeler,  they  couldn’t  make  a commencement  toward  bal- 
ancin  the  books.  By  the  way,  speekin  uv  Methooseler,  I hed 
to  wate  pashently  for  customers  in  them  days,  when  men  lived 
900  years. 

‘^There’s  Corry,  Colorado  Jewet,  and  Garret  Davis,”  con- 
tinnerd  he,  I’ve  hed  my  eye  on.  Jewet  and  Corry  I’ll  lose 


A HAPPY  AWAKENING. 


177 


— there’s  a place  outside  uv  my  jurisdicshen  for  sich.  They 
ain’t  responsible,  yoo  see.  The  devils  that  wuz  cast  out  uv  the 
man  and  took  refuge  in  the  swine,  left  the  swine  when  they 
wuz  drowned,  and  hev  inhabited  many  men  sence.  Two  uv 
em  are  in  Corry  and  wun  in  Jewet,  to-day.  Garret  Davis  hez, 
evry  now  and  then,  a glimrin  uv  sense  ; he  shows,  occasionally, 
surface  indicashens  uv  intelleck,  not  quite  enuff  for  a lunatic, 
and  too  much  for  a ideot.  I may  git  him,  and  may  not.  But 
yoo  will  hev  plenty  uv  company.  The  stand  yoor  party  took, 
druv  thousands  uv  men  into  cussedjhs,  who  knowd  better,  and 
who,  ef  let  alone,  wood  hev  dodged  me.  I hev  an  eye  on  sum 
who  denounst  Yallandigum,  and  yet,  when  the  screws  wuz  brot 
down  onto  em  — and,  by  the  way,  jist  sich  ez  yoo  turnd  them 
sed  screws  (and  he  pokt  me  jockularly  in  the  ribs) -—actually 
presided  at  Yallandigum  meetins,  and  voted  for  him.  Then, 
after  he  wuz  defeetid,  they  swore  they  didn’t  vote  for  him  at 
all,  addin  a dirty  lie  to  the  original  sin,  wich  is  givin  the  devil 
(ez  yoo  style  me)  his  due,  with  compound  interest. 

“ But  excuse  me  — I’ll  show  yoo  to  yoor  apartmence.  This 
way,  my  dear  sir.” 

I objected  to  goin,  and  looked  anxshusly  around  for  a escape. 
Observin  this,  a change  come  o’er  this  polite  gentleman  afore 
me.  His  eyes  glistend,  a sulphurus  stream  ishood  from  his 
mouth,  his  feet  partid  into  hoofs,  his  fingers  elongatid  into  claws. 
I observed  a tail  peepin  down  under  his  coat ; in  short,  he  wuz 
transformed  into  the  identicle  devil  I hed  seen  on  several 
occashens,  when  laborin  under  attacks  uv  delirium  tremens, 

, sOoperindoost  by  drinkin  a barrel  or  so  too  much  elecshun 
whisky,  doorin  hotly-contestid  campanes.  He  reecht  one  claw 
for  me,  when  I awoke.  To  say  I wuz  rejoiced  at  findin  myself 
still  on  prayin  ground,  is  weak  — ’twuz  joy  onspeekable.  I 
can’t  interprit  the  dream. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


12 


178 


A FEW  PLAIN  PULES. 


LXXIII. 

LAYS  DOWN  A PLATFOEM  FOE  THE  COMING 
CAMPAIGN. 

Saint’s  Best  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  i 

June  the  23d,  1865.  > 

These  is  the  dark  days  uv  the  Dimokrasy.  The  misforchoons 
that  befell  our  armies  in  front  uv  Eichmond,  the  fall  uv  our 
capital,  follered  by  the  surrender  uv  our  armies  to  Grant  and 
Sherman,  hez  hurt  us.  Our  leaders  are  either  pinin  in  loath- 
some dunguns,  incarseratid  by  the  hevin-defyin,  man-destroyin, 
tyrannical  edix  uv  our  late  lamented  President,  or  are  baskin  in 
the  free  air  uv  Italy  and  Canady.  We  hev  no  way  uv  keepin 
our  voters  together.  Opposin  the  war  won’t  do  no  good,  for 
before  the  next  elecshun  the  heft  uv  our  voters  will  hev  dis- 
kiverd  that  the  Avar  is  over.  The  fear  uv  drafts  may  do  suthin 
in  some  parts  uv  Pennsylvany  and  Suthern  Illinoy,  for  sum 
time  yit,  but  that  can’t  be  depended  on. 

But  we  hev  wun  resource  for  a ishoo  — ther  will  alluz  be  a 
Dimokrasy  so  long  as  ther’s  a nigger. 

Ther  is  a uncompromisin  dislike  to  the  nigger  in  the  mind 
uv  a ginooine  Dimekrat.  The  Spanish  bull-fighter,  when  he 
wants  to  inflame  the  bull  to  extra  cavortin,  waves  a red  flag 
afore  him.  Wen  yoo  desire  a Dimekrat  to  froth  at  the  mouth, 
yoo  Avill  find  a black  face  Avill  anser  the  purpose.  There- 
fore, the  nigger  is,  to-day,  our  best  and  only  holt.  Let  us  use 
him. 

For  the  guidance  uv  the  faithful,  I shel  lay  down  a few  plain 
rools  to  be  observed,  in  order  to  make  the  most  uv  the  capital 
we  hev : — 

1.  Alluz  assert  that  the  nigger  will  never  be  able  to  take 
care  uv  hisself,  but  will  alluz  be  a public  burden.  He  may, 
possibly,  give  us  the  lie  by  goin  to  Avork.  In  sich  a emergency, 


The  Democracy  of  the  North  brought  the  negro  more  prominently  forward 
than  ever  at  the  close  of  the  war.  The  certainty  that  the  ballot  would  very 
soon  he  given  to  that  race,  inflamed  the  lower  strata  of  that  party  terribly, 
which  feeling  its  leading  men  made  good  use  of. 


SAVE  US  FEOM  NIGGER  EQUALITY.’^  179 

the  dooty’  uv  every  Dimekrat  is  plane.  He  must  not  be 
allowed  to  work.  Associasliens  must  be  organized,  pledged  to 
neither  give  him  employment,  to  work  with  him,  to  w^ork  for 
any  one  who  will  give  him  work,  or  patronize  any  wun  who 
duz.  (.1  wood  sejest  that  sich  uv  us  ez  hev  bin  forchoonit 
enuff  to  git  credit,  pay  a trifle  on  account,  so  ez  to  make  our 
patronage  worth  suthin.)  This  course,  rigidly  and  persistently 
follerd,  will  drive  the  best  uv  em  to  stealin,  and  the  balance  to 
the  poor-houses,  provin  wat  we  hev  alluz  claimed,  that  they  are 
a idle  and  vishus  race.  Think,  my  brethren,  wat  a inspirin 
efifeck  our  poor-houses  and  jails  full  uv  niggers  wood  hev  on 
the  people  ! My  sole  expands  ez  I contemplate  the  deliteful 
vision. 

2.  Likewise  assert  that  the  nigger  will  come  North,  and 
take  all  the  good  places,  throwin  all  our  skilled  mechanics  out 
uv  work  by  underbiddin  uv  em.  This  mite  be  open  to  two  ob- 
jecshuns,  to-wit : It  crosses  slitely  rool  the  1,  and  white  men  mite 
say,  ef  there’s  jist  enuff  labor  for  wat’s  here,  why  not  perhibit 
furriners  frum  comin  ? I anser : It’s  the  biznis  uv  the  voter 
to  reconsile  the  contradicshun  — he  may  beleeve  either  or 
both.  Ez  to  the  second  objeckshun,  wher  is  the  Dimekrat  who 
coodent  be  underbid,  and  stand  it  even  to  starvashen,  ef  the 
underbiddin  wuz  dim  by  a man  uv  the  proud  Caukashen  race  ? 
and  wher  is  the  Dimekrat  so  lost  to  manhood  ez  not  to  drink 
blood,  ef  the  same  underbiddin  is  dun  by  a nigger?  The 
starvin  for  work  ain’t  the  question  — it’s  the  color  uv  the 
cause  uv  the  starvashen  that  makes  the  difference. 

Nigger  equality  may  be  worked  agin  to  advantage.  All  men, 
without  distincshun  uv  sex,  are  fond  uv  flatrin  theirselves 
that  somebody’s  lower  down  in  the  scale  uv  humanity  than 
they  is.  Ef  ’twan’t  for  niggers,  what  wood  the  Dimokrasy  do 
for  sumbody  to  look  down  upon?  It’s  also  shoor  to  enlist  wun 
style  uv  wimmen  on  our  side.  In  times  gone  by,  I’ve  notist 
gushin  virgins  uv  forty-flve,  full  sixteen  hands  high  and  tough 
ez  wire,  holdin  aloft  banners  onto  wich  wuz  inscribd  — Save 
us  frum  Nigger  Equality.”  Yoo  see  it  soothed  em  to  hev  a 
ohanse  uv  advertisin,  1st,  That  they  wuz  frail,  helplis  critters ; 
and,  2d,  That,  anshent  and  tough  ez  they  wuz,  some  wun  wuz 
still  goin  for  em. 


180  GENERAL  MARION  SUMPTER  FITZHUGH  GUSHER. 

Ef  ther  ain’t  no  niggers^  central  commities  must  furnish  em. 
A half  dozen  will  do  for  a ordinary  county,  ef  they’re  hustled 
along  with  energy.  Ef  they  won’t  steal,  the  central  commities 
must  do  it  theirselves.  Show  yer  niggers  in  a township  in  the 
mornin,  an  the  same  nite  rob  the  clothe s-line-s  and  hen-roosts. 
Ever  willin  to  sacrifice  myself  for  the  cause,  I volunteer  to  do 
this  latter  dooty  in  six  populous  counties. 

These  ijees,  ef  follered,  will,  no  doubt,  keep  us  together 
until  our  enemies  split,  when  we  will  reap  the  reward  uv  our 
constancy  and  fidelity.  May  the  Lord  hasten  the  day. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


LXXIV. 

MEETS  A “ EECONSTRUCTID  SUTHERN  CHIYELRY, 
AND  HEZ  CONFIDENCES.” 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  7 

July  the  12th,  1865.  3 

I HEV  bin  in  Washinton,  and  while  ther  I wuz  interdoost  to 
Gineral  Marion  Sumpter  Fitzhoo  Gusher,  uv  Mississippy.  I 
wuz  anxious  to  meet  with  a representative  Dimekrat  uv  the 
South,  to  interchange  views,  to  hev  soothin  confidences,  to 
unbuzzum,  becoz  for  the  past  four  years  the  Dimekratic  party 
hez  bin  trooly  seckshnal,  and  the  seckshun  it  hez  occupied  is 
not  the  identikle  seckshun  onto  wich  the  orfises  is  located,  and 


Washington  was  full  of  “General  Gushers”  at  the  close  of  the  war,  where 
they  received  homage  from  their  Northern  friends.  Their  expectations  were 
quite  as  large  as  those  of  the  Gusher  of  this  letter.  It  was  a fond  dream  of 
many  politicians.  North  and  South,  that  the  ancient  union  between  the  Demo- 
cratic party  of  the  two  sections  could  be  restored,  and  the  defeated  oligarchy  be 
enabled  to  rule  once  more  according  to  the  old  method.  It  was  the  boast  of 
the  politicians  that  they  would,  by  the  use  of  their  “ brains  ” in  management, 
soon  gain  all  they  had  lost  by  war. 


WHY  GENERAL  GUSHER  SECEDED. 


181 


only  by  a perfect  union  with  our  wunsbloved  brethren  uv  the 
South,  kin  we  ever  git  onto  trooly  nashnel  ground. 

Gineral  Gusher  is  a troo  gentleman  uv  the  real  Suthern 
school.  He  puts  C.  S.  A.  after  his  name  onto  the  hotel  regis- 
ter, and  his  rings,  buzzum-pin,  and  the  head  uv  his  cane,  is  all 
made  uv  the  bones  uv  mizrable  Yankee  soldiers  who  fell  at  Bull 
Bun  — he  sez  by  his  own  hand  ; and  it  must  be  so,  for  who  ever 
knowd  a Suthern  man  to  boast  vaingloriously  ? We  met  and 
embraced,  weepin  profoosely. 

Alass  ! sobbed  the  Gineral,  wat  a nitemare  hez  obscoord 
our  respective  vishuns  for  the  past  four  yeers  ! 1 wuz  alluz  a 

Union  man,  alluz  ! alluz  ! alluz  ! The  old  flag  I loved  with 
more  than  parental  afleckshun  — to  me  it  wuz  more  nor  life  ! 

“ Why,  then,  my  Ajacks,’^  sobbed  I,  did  you  raise  yoor 
paricidle  hand  agin  it  ? 

Why,  my  beloved  ! Because  MY  STATE  secesht,  and  I 
wuz  carried  along  by  a torrent  uv  public  opinion,  wich  I cood 
not  stem,  and  I went  with  her.  But  it’s  all  over.  We  hev 
awoke,  and  I’m  here  -in  the  capital  uv  my  beloved  country, 
under  the  shadder  uv  that  glorious  flag  wich  is  the  pride  uv 
Americans  and  the  terror  uv  all  weak  nashens  wich  hez  terri- 
tories contiguous,  ready  to  take  a oath,  and  resume  the  citizen- 
ship I laid  off,  and  agin  run  the  guverment  for  its  own  honor 
and  glory.” 

Hev  yoo  a pardon?”  sez  I.  Methinks,  wunst  a paper 
reecht  my  humble  village,  wich  is  unanimously  Dimekratik  — 
it  cum  around  a package  uv  goods  from  Noo  York  — and  in 
that  paper  I saw  your  name  ez  wun  uv  the  offisers  who  killed 
the  niggers  at  Fort  Pillow.  Am  I rite  ? ” 

You  are.  I’m  a gushin  child  uv  nacher  — I’m  enthoosiastic. 
Labrin  under  the  same  deloosion  that  secesht  us,  I bleevd  at 
that  time  that  I wuz  doin  a good  thing  in  killin  them  property 
uv  ours  that  Linkin  hed  shovd  bloo  coats  onto.  I hev  no  apol- 
ogies to  offer  — I am  now  writin  a justificashen. 

I,  and  I speak  for  thousands  uv  the  chivelrous  sons  uv  the 
South,  who  would  like  a good  square  meal  wunst  more,  am 
willin  to  be  conciliated.  The  oppertoonity  is  now  offered  the 
guverment  to  conciliate  us.  We  are  returnin  prodigal  sons  — 
kill  yoor  fatted  veal,  and  bring  out  yoor  gold  rings  and  purple 


182 


THE  CONDITIONS  OF  PEACE. 


robes,  and  sich.  We  ask  condishns  — we  sbel  insist  on  terms ; 
but  we  are  disposed  to  be  reasonable.  We  are  willin  to  ac- 
knowledge the  supremacy  uv  the  guverment,  but  there  must 
be  no  humiliashen.  A proud,  high-sperited  people,  like  us  uns, 
won’t  stand  it  — no  sir,  we  cannot.  Ther  must  be  no  hangin, 
no  confisticashen,  no  disfranchisin.  We  are  willin  to  step  back 
jest  as  we  stept  out,  resoomin  our  old  status,  trustin  to  engi- 
neerin  to  git  sich  other  pints  ez  are  not  here  enumeratid. 
Without  them  condishns,  the  Union  wood  not  be  wun  uv  heart 
— ’twood  be  holler  mockery.  Wat  we  are  goin  for  is  a Union 
founded  on  love,  wich  is  stronger  and  more  solider  than  mus- 
kits.  Hearts  is  trumps  — let  the  platform  be  hearts,  and  all  is 
well.” 

But,  Gineral,”  sez  I,  in  all  this  wat  do  yoo  purpose  for  us 
Northern  Dimekrats  ? ” 

Towards  em  our  bowels  melt  with  love.  We  forgive  yoo. 
Ef  yoo  kin  take  the  old  attitood,  well  and  good  — ef  not  — ” 

Hold  ! ” sez  I,  don’t  threat.  A ginooine  Northern  Dime- 
krat  wants  but  little  here  below,  but  wants  that  little  long. 
Give  him  a small  post-orfis,  a nigger-driver  to  look  up  to,  and  a 
nigger  to  look  down  to,  and  he  is  supremely  happy.  Ef  a angel 
in  glory  wuz  to  offer  to  trade  places  with  him,  harp,  golden 
crown  and  all,  he  wood  ask  odds.” 

Uv  course  them  positions  yoo  kin  hev  — we  don’t  want  em. 
All  we  ask  is  to  make  the  platforms,  and  hev  sich  orfises  ez 
hawty,  high-toned  men  kin  afford  to  take,  and  yoo  uns  kin  hev 
the  rest.  But  wun  thing  must  be  understood.  The  scenes  uv 
the  Charleston  Convention  must  never  be  re-enactid  — there 
must  be  no  more  Duglissis.  Under  the  new  dispensashun  yoo 
dance  whenever  we  fiddle,  askin  no  questions.  The  Suthern 
heart  must  never  agin  be  fired  — it  wood  consume  itself  Ez 
soon  ez  I hev  took  the  oath,  I shel  immejitly  go  home  and  run 
for  Congris  — see  to  it  that  ye  hev  enuff  Dimekrats  ther,  that 
we,  jintly,  kin  control  things.  Uv  course,  in  a Union  uv  love, 
ther  must  be  equality.  Linkin’s  war  debt  must  never  be  paid, 
onless  ourn  is;  his  hirelins  must  never  be  pensioned,  unless 
our  patriots  is.  Wat  a deliteful  spectacle  ! Men  who,  yester- 
day, wuz  a gougin  each  other  onto  the  field  uv  battle,  to-day  a 
drawin  penshuns  amicably,  from  the  same  treasury  ! The  eagle 


ANOTHER  VISION. 


183 


wood  flop  his  wings  with  joy,  and  angels  wood  exclaim,  ‘ Bully!  ’ 
I am  disabled  from  wounds  received  on  the  field,  and  rejoice 
that  our  penshun  laws  is  so  libral.  «Go  home,  my  friend,  and 
marshel  for  the  conflict.  Tell  yoor  central  committies  to  col- 
lect expense  money,  and  I,  and  Ginral  Forist,  and  Kernel 
Moseby,  and  Champ  Ferguson,  and  Dick  Turner,  and  Eoregard, 
and  perhaps  that  noble  old  hero  (take  off  yoor  hat  while  I per- 
nounce  his  glorious  name),  Ginral  Robert  E.  Lee,  will  come  up 
and  stump  the  North  for  yoor  tickits.  I hev  done.  I go.’^ 
Noble  man,’’  thot  I,  ez  he  stalkt  majestically  away,  takin,  in 
a abstractin  manner,  my  new  hat  and  umbreller,  leavin  his  old 
wuns,  who  coodent  foller  thee,  and  sich  ez  thee,  forever  and 
forever  ? ” 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Gliurch  uv  the  Noo  Dis^pensashun, 

— 

LXXV. 

« DREAMS  A DREAM.” 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  > 

July  the  21st,  1865.  > 

Dreams  is  becomin  the  most  commonest  recreation  I hev.  I 
don’t  know  whether  these  dreams  is  the  sperit  uv  prophecy, 
sugar-coated  with  sleep,  or  whether  they  are  sooperindoost  by 
the  reglar  three-quarters  uv  a pound  uv  tripe  I eat  at  about 
11|  P.  M. ; but  dreams  I hev. 

Last  nite  I dreamed  that  I hed  bridged  time,  and  wuz  set 
ahead  about  nine  months,  wich  time  brings  forth  events  in 
pollitics,  ez  well  ez  in  other  things  too  tedious  to  menshun. 

Methot  the  South  hed  bin  concilliatid  and  reconstructid,  and 
hed  cum  back  into  the  sisterhood  uv  States,  ez  sisters  gener- 
ally come  back  after  a quarrel.  South  Caroliny  wuz  repre- 
sented in  the  House  by  Genral  Swasher,  and  all  the  Rhetts,  et 
settry,  and  Missippy  by  a dozen  or  twp  kernels  and  genrals,  for 
that  State  sent  none  to  Congress  ceptin  its  heroes.  Jeffson 


184 


THE  INSULT  TO  GENERAL  McGOUJUM. 


Davis  wuz  a candidate,  but  hevin  sed,  in  his  zeal  for  repudia- 
shen,  that  he  wuz  for  repudiatin  all  debts,  his  constituency 
wuz  afraid  that  he  mite  inclood  the  Confedrit  war  debt,  so  they 
defeated  him,  and  elected  Grinral  McGoujum,  who  held  that  the 
Fedral  war  debt  wuz  unconstooshnel,  and  must  be  repudiated, 
while  the  Confederasy’s  ought  to  be  paid  ez  a conciliatory 
measure.  The  ginooine  Dimokrasy  uv  the  North  hed  electid 
enuff  members  to  give  the  South  control  uv  Congress. 

In  my  dream  I wuz  seated  in  the  gallery  uv  the  House.  A 
member  from  Noo  York  wuz  introdoosin  a bill  appropriatm  a 
sum  uv  money  for  the  purpose  uv  erectin  a monument  to  the 
memory  uv  the  Union  soljers  who  fell  at  Gettysburg.  No 
sooner  hed  the  fanatic  red  the  title  uv  the  bill,  than  Ginral 
McGoujum  and  Swasher,  and  Kernel  Pelter,  uv  Georgy,  walked 
over  to  his  seat,  and  with  their  canes  beat  him  over  the  Hed 
twenty  or  fifteen  minits.  He  wuz  carried  out  for  dead. 

Ginral  McGoujum  claimed  the  floor. 

Mr.  Speaker,”  said  he,  Pm  bilin  ! Indignashen  is  heavin 
and  tossin  my  chivelrus  sole  in  a most  tremenjusly  toomulchus 
style.  I am,  Mr.  Speaker,  a citizen  uv  this  glorious  Eepublic. 
I stand  here,  to-day,  reconstructid  and  concilliatid  — a loyal 
man.  I hev  took  the  oath,  and  sence  hev  violated  no  rool  or 
custom  uv  this  House.  I hev  drawd  my  pay  promptly — I hev 
even  gone  so  fur  in  the  spirit  uv  forgivenis  and  Christian  char- 
ity, ez  to  take  that  pay  in  greenbax,  instid  uv  demandin  gold, 
notwithstandin  every  wun  uv  em  bears  the  portrait  uv  that 
feendish  ape,  that  thirster  after  gore,  that  destroyer  uv  habis 
corpusis  and  constooshnel  rites,  our  late  lamentid  President. 
After  makin  these  sacrifices,  shel  I sit  here  camly,  and  allow  a 
negro-steelin  Yankee  to  insult  the  South  with  allusions  to 
Gettysburg,  and  sich  ? Never  ! Shel  a Noo  York  missegen- 
nygenashunist,  in  this  hall,  perpose  to  appropriate  the  treasure 
uv  our  common  country  to  commemorate  a field  on  wich  my 
constituency  wuz  walloped,  without  rebuke  ? Never ! He 
hez  bin  rebuked  — let  him  heed  the  warnin.” 

Several  Ablishn  members  riz,  but  the  Dimokrasy  wuz  firm, 
and  woodent  let  em  speak.  The  Suthern  members  wuz  a goin 
to  withdraw  in  a body,  ^en  Fernandywood  rose  and  perposed 
a compermise,  ez  follows  : 


MR.  FERNANDO  WOOD’S  COMPROMISE. 


185 


That  harmony  and  good  feelin  shood  prevaJe,  hentzforth  and 
forever. 

The  word  war  ” shel  never  be  yoosed  in  this  hall ; that, 
whenever  referred  to,  it  shel  be  termed  “ misunderstandins.” 

That  the  flags,  cannon,  and  sich-like  trophies,  found  by  the 
Federal  army  in  various  parts  uv  the  Southern  States,  be  to- 
wunst  destroyed. 

That  penshuns  be  paid  to  the  misunderstandinists  from  both 
secshuns,  for  services  rendered  the  guverment. 

That  the  very  fields  onto  wich  these  misunderstandins 
occurred,  be  plowed  over  at  the  expense  uv  the  guverment. 

That  no  book  be  publisht  givin  any  account  uv  prison-life, 
or  sich. 

That  bunkum  orators  in  this  House  draw  their  alloosions 
to  our  military  fame  solely  from  the  Mexikin  war. 

The  compermise  wuz  uv  coarse  adoptid.  Ez  the  vote  wuz 
announst,  Ginral  McGoujum  and  Fernandywood  rusht  into 
each  other’s  arms,  and  wept  down  each  other’s  backs,  while 
Kernel  Felter  waved-  a flag  over  em,  formin  a picter  trooly 
tetchin. 

Thank  hevin,”  I exclaimed,  ez  I awoke  from  this  refreshin 
sleep,  Brooks  is  dead,  but  his  sperit  still  lives  — his  sole  is 
marchin  on.  So  long  ez  we  hev  a Southern  Dimokrasy  to  de- 
mand, and  a Northern  Dimokrat  to  give,  all  will  be  well.  Bless 
the  Lord  ! ” 


Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Pcister  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


A proposition  almost  identical  to  that  attributed  to  Fernando  Wood  was  seri- 
ously advanced  by  the  Southern  press  as  a proper  basis  for  the  restoration  of 
harmony. 


186 


TWO  DISCOVEEIES. 


LXXVI. 

ISSUES  AN  ADDRESS  TO  THE  SOUTHERN 
DEMOCRACY. 

Saint’s  Best  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ^ 

July  the  21st,  1865.  > 

To  THE  DiMOKRASY  UV  THE  SUTHERN  StAITS  : 

Dearly  beloved,  I saloot  yoo  ! 

The  events  uv  the  past  four  years  hev  bin  momenchus. 
The  war  hez  ended  — to  a sooperfishel  observer  it  wood  seem 
disastrusly  to  yoo  and  us,  but  to  him  whose  eagle  eye  kin 
pierce  the  misty  fucher,  gloriously. 

Troo,  we  lost  the  orfises,  and  hev  bin  for  four  long  and  weary 
years  on  steril  ground,  whose  fruits  wuz  wormy  and  whose 
water  wuz  bitter.  So  the  childern  uv  Israel  wandered  forty 
years  in  the  wildernis,  but  they  finally  found  a Canan,  full  uv 
fatnis,  runnin  with  milk  and  honey,  and  sich.  So  shel  we 
emerge  into  our  Canan  ere  long. 

The  war  hez  hed  its -uses.  We  hev  diskivered  that  the 
Suthern  Dimekrat  cood  be  depended  on  to  fite  ; yoo  hev  dis- 
kivered that  the  Northern  Dimekrat  cood  be  depended  on  to 
do  yoor  dirty  work,  thro  thick  or  thin,  and  we  hev  both  diskiv- 
ered that  the  Ablishnist  is  no  coward,  and  will  really  make 
sacrifices  for  principle.  Knowin  all  this,  we  kin  work  intelli- 
gently in  the  fucher.  ■ 

It  is  the  dooty  now  uv  every  Suthern  Dimekrat  to  take  the 
oath  to-wunst,  and  be  metamorphosed  into  loyalty.  Then 
we’ve  got  em.  Demand,  ez  only  a Sutherner  kin  demand,  that 
the  military  be  withdrawd,  and  that  yoor  representatives  be 
admitted.  Then,  ef  we  kin  carry  enuff  deestriks  North,  yoo 
hev  the  game  in  yoor  own  hand.  But  to  accomplish  this  last 
feat,  yoo  must  aid  us. 

We  hev  bin  unforchnit  in  our  politikle  venchers,  and  at  least 
wun  uv  our  prophecies  must  cum  troo,  otherwise  how  kin  we 
go  afore  the  people  ? The  nigger  is  all  we’ve  left,  and  the  va- 
riety we  hev  up  here  is  uv  no  yoose  to  us,  for  they  are  all 
earnin  their  own  livin,  and  ain’t  crowdin  white  folks  out  uv 


WHAT  TO  DO  AND  HOW  TO  DO  IT. 


187 


poor-houses,  at  all.  It’s  my  candid  convicshun  that  the 
grovelin  cusses  work  and  earn  money- jest  to  spite  us.  In 
some  localities,  our  sagashus  managers  hev  indoost  sum  uv  em 
to  drink  with  em,  and  in  a few  months  got  em  into  delirium 
tremens,  and  their  families  into  the  poor-houses.  To  their 
untutored  bowels  our  likker  is  litenin.  But  this  caift  be  dun 
ginrally,  becoz  it’s  all  our  leaders  kin  do  to  keep  their  own 
skins  full.  To  yoo  we  look  for  aid. 

A enterprisin  Yankee  (cusses  on  the  race  ! ) wuz  wunst  askt 
wat  biznis  he  followd  to  make  so  much  money.  He  replied 
that  he  hed  the  itch,  and  he  traveled  ahead,  givin  it  to 
people,  his  brother  comin  immejitly  after,  sellin  a cure.  Let 
us  imitate  their  wisdom.  Promptly  ship  to  each  Northern  stait 
200,000  old  niggers  who  can’t  work,  and  to  make  asshoorence 
doubly  shoor,  starve  em  awhile,  and  fun  the  measles  and  small- 
pox thro  em.  Mix  with  em  a few  thousand  black  wimmen  with 
mulatto  childern,  to  show  the  horrors  uv  amalgamashun.  Then 
we’d  hev  suthin  to  go  on ! Ez  we  carted  em  into  the  poor- 
houses,  and  levid  taxes  to  support  em,  how  our  speakers  wood 
gush  ! how  our  papers  wood  howl ! After  four  years  uv  fail- 
yoor  in  the  prophecy  biznis,  the  ijee  uv  hevin  wun  cum  troo, 
sets  me  into  a delirium  tremens  uv  joy. 

Then,  immejitly,  yoor  legislachers  must  pass  stringent  laws 
agin  a nigger  leavin  his  respective  county,  and  then  pass 
another  law  not  allowin  any  man  to  give  able-bodied  wuns  to 
exceed  $5  a month.  This  dun,  I hev  faith  to  bleeve  thousands 
uv'em  will  beg  to  be  agin  enslaved,  about  mid  winter.  Ef  they 
will  persist  in  dyin  in  freedom,  we  kin,  at  least,  pint  to  ther 
bodies,  and  say  in  a sepulkral  tone:  “ Wen  niggers  wuz  wuth 
$1500,  they  wuz  not  allowd  to  die  thus  — behold  the  froots  uv 
Ablishn  philanthropy  ! ” Either  way,  it’s  cappital  for  us. 

Yoo  must  inkulkate  the  doctrin  uv  State  Bites  zealuser  than 
ever,  and  while  yoo  are  gittin  yoor  people  tuned  up  on  that, 
we’ll  hammer  away  at  debt  and  corrupshun,  and  sich  deliteful 
themes,  and  wunst  more  we’ll  git  the  Ablishnist  under  our  feet. 

I hev  indicatid  briefly  the  ginral  outlines  uv  the  policy  we 
must  pursoo  ef  we  wood  succeed.  Uther  ijees  will  sejest 
themselves  to  yoo  — let  us  hev  em,  and  we’ll  act  on  em. 

In  conclooshun.  Be  wary  and  untirin.  Kemember,  on  yoo 


188 


A LESSON  FROM  SCRIPTURE. 


depends  the  politikle  fortunes  uv  the  thousands  who  wunst 
held  offis,  but  who  he v -bin  to  grass  for  four  long  weery  years. 
We  must  succeed  now  or  never. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashur, 


LXXVII. 

SEARCHES  THE  SCRIPTURES,  AND  GETS  COMFORT 

THEREFROM. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ^ 
August  the  11th,  1865.  ) 

The  contemplashen  uv  the  nigger,  hez,  in  time  past,  ^iven 
me  a great  deal  uv  trouble.  Nigger  hez  to  me  bin  a incubus 
— a nitemare.  I never  cood  see  why  the  species  wuz  created ; 
never  cood*I  understand  why  they  wuz  put  onto  the  face  uv 
the  earth,  any  more  than  toads  or  other  disgustin  objects.  But 
last  nite  a lite  bust  onto  me  — I seed  it  all ! 

I wuz  low-sperited  and  deprest.  Jeff  Davis  a pinin  in  a 
loathsum  dungeon  — the  English  capitalists  a mournin  for  their 
cotton-bonds,  and  refusin  to  be  comforted  because  the  Confed- 
racy  is  not  — Mrs.  Surratt  a danglin  in  the  air  — military  courts 
plenty  and  habis  corpusis  scarce — the  loosenis  with  wich 
people  put  ther  munny  into  7-30’s  — the  soljers  returnin  and 
goin  for  constooshnel  Dimekrats,  and  the  ginral  demoralization 
uv  Dimokrasy,  all  conspired  to  give  me  the  horrors,  and  to 
add  to  my  distress  my  jug  wuz  out ! To  avoid  madness,  I took 
up  the  Bible  (I  board  with  a justice  uv  the  peace,  who  hez  to 
keep  one  to  swear  witnesses  on),  and  happened  to  open  at  the 
9th  chapter  uv  Gennesis.  Yoo  know  all  about  the  blessid 
chapter. 

Noah,  after  the  water  went  down,  come  down  from  Aryrat, 
went  into  farmin,  and  planted  grapes  extensive.  One  day  he 
took  a drink  too  much,  and  laid  down  with  insuffishent  clothin 
onto  him.  His  second  son.  Ham,  saw  him  in  that  fix,  and  when 


THE  PROVIDENTIAL  ORIGIN  OF  THE  NIGGER. 


189 


Noah  awoke,  while  his  hair  wuz  still  pullin,  he  oust  him  and 
his  posterity,  and  sed  they  shood  be  servants  forever. 

Ham  (wich  in  the  original  Hebrew  signifies  the  hind-qnarter 
uv  a hog),  wuz  the  father  uv  the  Afrikins,  and  they  hev  bin 
slaves  ever  sence. 

I seed  a lite  to-wunst  — I realized  the  • importance  uv  the 
nigger.  He  is  the  connectin  link  in  the  chain  uv  circumstances 
wich  led  to  the  formashen  uv  the  Dimekratic  part}L  He  hez 
kept  the  blessid  old  macheen  a runnin  to  this  day.  Observe  : 

Whisky  (or  Avine,  wich  is  the  same  thing)  made  Noah  tight. 

Ham  saw  Noah  inebriated. 

Noah  oust  Ham,  wich  turned  him  into  a nigger  and  a servant. 

That  the  Skripters  mite  be  fulfilled,  the  childern  uv  Ham 
wuz  brot  to  America,  to  be  servants  here. 

Wickid  men  set  themselves  agin  the  Skripters,  and  tried  to 
make  men  uv  the  niggers. 

The  Dimekratik  party  ariz  for  the  purpus  uv  keepin  the 
nigger  down,  and  that  deliteful  biznis  hez  given  them  employ- 
ment for  more  than  30  years. 

Ez  I shet  the  book  I cood  not  help  remarkin,  in  the  words 
uv  the  sammist,  — 

“ Good  Lord,  upon  what  slender  threads 
Hang  everlastin  things  ! ” 

Sposin  Noah,  instid  uv  plantin  grapes,  hed  gone  to  practisin 
law,  or  into  the  grocery  biznis,  or  buyin  prodoose  on  commishn, 
or  puttin  up  patent  medicines  — he  woodent  hev  got  inebri- 
ated ; he  woodent  hev  cust  Ham  ; Ham  woodent  hev  turned 
black ; there  Avoodent  hev  bin  no  niggers,  no  Ablishnists,  and, 
consequently,  no  Dimekrats. 

Or,  sposn  all  uv  Ham’s  childern  hed  taken  diptheria,  and 
died ; the  same  results  Avood  hev  follered. 

Whisky  made  nigger  — nigger  made  Dimokrasy.  Take 
aAA^ay  Avhisky  and  nigger,  and  Dimokrasy  Avoodent  be  uv  no 
more  akkount  than  a one-armed  man  at  a raisin. 

Whisky  ! Nigger  ! Dimokrasy  ! 0,  savory  trinity  ! 

We  don’t  none  uv  us  read  the  Skripters  enuff. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


190 


A PERSONAL  EXPERIENCE. 


LXXVIII. 

OPPOSES  THE  NOMINATION  OF  SOLDIERS. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ) 
August  the  31st,  1865.  ) 

Ther  wuz  wunst  a doctor  who  hed  a pashent  he'wuz  a 
physikin.  While  the  physik  wuz  a workin,  he  changed  his 
mind  and  administerd  a vomit.  The  pashent’s  stumick  wuz  in 
wat  mite  be  called  a dilemma.  The  physik  wuz  a pullin  down, 
the  vomit  wuz  a pullin  up,  and  the  poor  bowels,  undecided 
wich  to  foller,  allowed  the  disease  to  fasten  itself,  when  either 
wood  hev  expelled  it.  The  pashent  died,  and  I am  happy  to 
state  that  his  estate  wuz  insolvent,  and  the  ijeotik  physician 
didn’t  git  his  bill. 

Jest  so.  Dimokrasy  got  the  stumick-ake  when  the  war  com- 
menst.  Fernandywood  administerd  the  peace-puke,  and  Mick- 
lellan  dosed  it  with  war-physick.  The  pashent  is  nearly  ded, 
and  neither  doctor  will  get  rich  out  uv  the  assets. 

I notice  all  over  the  North,  Dimekratik  convenshuns  are 
nominatin  returned  soljers  for  offis,  wherever  they  kin  ketch 
one  who  will  accept,  and  ther’s  but  little  trouble,  for  in  every 
county  ther’s  orfisers  who  went  into  the  service  becoz  uv 
pay,  who  Ablishnized  theirselves  for  continyooance,  and  who’ll 
flop  back  to  us  on  the  most  reasonable  terms. 

I hev  personal  motives  for  objectin.  Last  winter  these 
demons  were  to  home  on  furlo.  Twenty  uv  em  cum  to  my 
peaceful  dwellin,  at  the  dead  hour  uv  nite,  seized  my  venerable 
form  and  dragged  me  forth.  They  made  me  kneel  into  the 
cold  snow,  on  my  naked  knees,  and  with  one  hand  uplifted, 
and  my  shirt-tale  a wavin  in  the  wind,  they  made  me  take  the 
oath,  and  drink  a pint  uv  water.  The  oath  give  me  imflamma- 
shen  uv  the  brain,  and  the  water  inflammashen  uv  the  bowels, 
and  for  six  weeks  I lay,  a ravin  maniac. 

I cood  overlook  this,  for  the  Dimekrat  who  woodent  sacrifice 
his  aged  grandmother  for  the  party,  is  unworthy  the  name ; 
but  I object  to  nominatin  them,  for  the  follerin  reasons  also : 

1.  ’Tain’t  honest.  In  1862  I called  the  soljers  Linkin 


EIGHT  EEASONS. 


191 


purps/’  and  the  orfisers  slionlder-strapt  hirelins,”  and  I meant 
it.  They  wuz  wagin  a cruel  and  unholy  war  agin  Dimokrasy ; 
they  wuz  redoosin  pur  majorities  in  the  Suthern  States  at  the 
rate  uv  some  hundreds  per  day,  and  now  to  nominate  them,  is 
a flop  Idl  never  make. 

2.  ’Twon’t  pay.  These  fellers  sold  us  out  when  they  took 
commishns  ; they  sold  out  the  Ahlishnists  when  they  flopt  back 
to  us,  and  what  guaranty  hev  we  that  they  Avon’t  sell  us  out, 
the  next  turn  uv  the  wheel  ? Ef  Ave  cood  git  some  decent 
wuns  it  mite  do ; but,  good  Lord  ! the  soljer  Avho  Avood  do  this 
Avood  be  loAver  doAvn  than  we  is,  Avich  Avood  bother  a man.  All 
the  votes  that  sich  men  cood  controle,  we  hev  alluz  owned  in 
fee-simple. 

3.  ’Tain’t  justis  to  us  original  Copperheads.  We  endoored 
the  heat  and  burden  uv  the  day  ; Ave  resistid  drafts ; Ave  damned 
taxes;  Ave  wuz  Fort  Lafayeted  and  Fort  Warined;  Twas  us 
who  died  in  our  door-yards.  Wher  avuz  these  orfisers  then  ? 
All  the  damage  they  did  the  guverment  wuz  in  draAvin  pay 
and  rashens. 

4.  The  reconstructed  Demokrasy  uv  the  South  Avon't  like  it, 
and  to  them,  after  all,  Ave  must  look  for  success. 

5.  They  acknoAvledged  nigger  equality,  by  alloAvin  niggers 
to  fite  with  em. 

6.  We  hev  gone  too  fur  to  try  the  soljer-dodge.  We  opposed 
the  Avar ; Ave  opposed  ther  votin ; we  opposed  the  Ablishn  in 
votin  pay  and  supplies,  we  opposed  aid  societies,  and  laft  at 
sanitary  commishns ; we  opposed  drafts  at  a time  when  they 
needed  help ; and  to  go  back  on  sich  a record  is.ruther  renchin, 
and  I won’t  do  it. 

7.  Ef  Ave  undertake  the  soljer,  we  commit  ourselves  to  payin 
his  penshuns,  et  settry.  Hoav  wood  the  Suthern  Dimokrasy 
like  that  ? 

8.  Ef  we  nominate  men  who  servd,  we  disgust  the  deserters 
and  them  ez  went  to  Canady  for  the  sake  uv  the  cause. 

We  hev  capital  enuff  in  the  nigger.  Let  us  plant  ourselves 
boldly  on  shoor  ground.  Let  us  resolve  that  Goddelmity  AAmz 
rite  in  makin  the  nigger  our  slave,  tho  he  made  a mistake  in 
irnplantin  in  his  heavin  buzm  a cronic  desire  to  run  aAvay  from 
his  normal  condishn.  Let  us  hang  out  our  banner,  and  inscribe 


192 


A PSALM  OF  SADNESS. 


on  its  folds,  No  marrjin  niggers  ! No  payin  a debt  in- 
curred in  a nigger  war  ! ’’  “ Protect  us  from  nigger  equality! 

and  sich  other  precepts  ez  cum  within  range  uv  the  Dime- 
kratik  intellek,  and  go  in  and  win. 

May  the  Lord  hasten  the  day. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


LXXIX. 

SUGGESTS  A “PSALM  OF  SADNESS FOE  HIS 
FEIENDS  SOUTH. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ) 
September  the  12th,  1865.  i 

The  utter  and  abject  state  uv  cussitood-  into  wich  the  Di- 
mokrasy  find  theirselves,  North  and  South,  makes  a day  uv 
fastin  approprit.  Ef  the  Lord  is  ever  a goin  to  help  us,  now’s 
his  time. 

Ef  my  clerikle  brethrin  uv  the  Church  South  decide  to 
appint  a day  uv  fastin  and  prayer,  I submit  the  follerin  ez  a 
sam  uv  agony,  approprit  for  the  occasion : — 

A SAM  uv  AGONY. 

On  the  street  I see  a nigger  ! 

On  his  back  a coat  uv  bloo,  and  he  carryeth  a muskit. 

He  is  provo-guard,  and  he  halteth  me,  ez  wun  hevin  au- 
thority. 

And  my  tender  daughter  spit  on  him,  and  lo  I he  arrested 
her,  and  she  languisheth  in  the  guard-house. 

My  eyes  dwell  on  him,  and  my  sole  is  a Artesian  well  uv 
woe  ; it  gusheth  with  grief. 

For  that  nigger  wuz  my  nigger ! I bought  him  with  a 
price. 

Alas  ! that  nigger  is  out  uv  his  normal  condishn ; he  is  a 


The  “Nigger”  as  He  should  Be  — As  He  Is.  Page  192. 


WHAT  THE  NIGGER  WAS  AND  IS. 


193 


star  out  uv  its  speer,  which  sweepeth  thro  the  political  hevens, 
smashin  things. 

Normally,  he  wuz  wuth  gold  and  silver  — now  he  is  a nite- 
mare. 

Wunst  I wuz  rich,  and  that  nigger  wuz  the  basis  thereof. 

Woe  is  me  ! 1 owned  him,  soul,  body,  muscles,  sinews, 

blood,  boots,  and  briches. 

PL’s  inteheck  wuz  mine,  his  body  wuz  mine,  likewise  his 
labor  and  the  fruits  thereof. 

Plis  wife  wuz  mine,  and  she  wuz  my  conkubine. 

The  normal  results  uv  the  conkubinage  I sold,  combining 
pleasure  and  profit  in  a eminent  degree. 

And  on  the  price  thereof  I played  poker,  and  drank  mint- 
juleps,  and  rode  in  gorgus  chariots,  and  wore  purple  and  fine 
linen  every  day. 

Wuz  this  miscegenashun,  or  negro  equality?  Not  any. 
For  she  wuz  mine,  even  as  my  ox,  or  my  horse,  or  my  sheep, 
and  her  increase  wuz  mine,  even  as  wuz  theirs. 

Ablishn  miscegenashun  elevates  the  nigger  wench  to  his 
level.  1 did  it  for  gain,  wich  degraded  her  muchly. 

And  when  the  wife  uv  my  buzm  lifted  up  her  voice  in 
complaint,  sayin,  Lo,  I am  abused  — this  little  nigger  resem- 
bleth  thee  ! ” half  the  price  uv  the  infant  chattel  wood  buy  a 
dimund  pin  with  wich  to  stop  her  yawp. 

And  my  boys  follered  in  my  footsteps,  and  grate  wuz  the 
mix,  but  profitable. 

But  my  dream  is  bustid. 

The  nigger  is  free,  and  demands  wages  for  the  work  uv  his 
hands. 

His  wife  is  free,  and  she  kin  decide  whether  shefil  cleave  to 
her  husband,  or  be  my  conkubine. 

Yisterday  I bade  her  come  to  me,  and,  lo ! she  remarkt, 
Go  'way,  white  man,  or  I’ll  bust  yer  head.”  And  I gode. 

Her  childern  are  free  — they  are  mine,  likewise,  but  I can’t 
sell  em  gn  the  block,  to  the  highest  bidder. 

1 herein  Linkin  sinned  — he  violated  the  holiest  and  highest 
instincts  uv  our  nacher ; he  interposed  a proclamashcn  atween 
father  and  child. 

We  took  the  heathen  from  Africa,  and  wuz  a makin  Chris- 
13 


194 


A SUPPLICATION  FOR  MERCY. 


tians  uY  em.  Woe  to  him  who  stopt  us  in  our  mishnary 
work. 

It  is  written  — Kin  the  Ethiope  change  his  skin  ? I wuz 
a changin  it  for  him,  I and  my  fathers,  and  we  hed  mellered  it 
down  to  a brite  yaller. 

Dark  is  my  fucher. 

I obeyed  the  grate  law  uv  labor,  ez  I served  in  the  army 
by  substitoot.  Now  shel  I hev  to  stain  my  hands  with  labor, 
or  starve. 

In  what  am  I better  than  a Northern  mudsill  ? 

I kin  git  no  more  diamond  pins  for  the  wife  uv  my  buzm, 
and  she  yawpeth  continually. 

Arrayed  in  hum-spun,  she  wrastles  with  pots  and  kettles  in 
the  kitchen. 

Weighed  down  with  woe,  she  dips  snuff  in  silence. 

She  asks  uv  me  comfort  — wat  kin  I say,  whose  pockets 
contain  only  Confedrit  skrip  ? 

Save  us  from  Massachusits,  wich  is  ornery  and  cussid. 

Protect  us  from  nigger  soljers,  wich  is  grinnin  feends. 

Shelter  us  from  the  ghost  uv  John  Brown,  wich  is  march- 
in  on. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


LXXX. 

A HORRIBLE  VISION. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  i 
September  the  20th,  1865.  ) 

Last  nite,  for  amusement,  I picked  up  a volume  uv  poems, 
ritten  by  wun  Campbell,  and  happened  to  read  a piece  called 
The  Last  Man.’’  It’s  a rather  heavy  piece  uv  writin.  His 
descriptive  powers  are  rather  better  than  mine,  tho,  perhaps, 
ef  my  too  partial  friends  ain’t  too  partial,  he  is  a long  way 
behind  me  in  the  matter  uv  pathetics,  and  in  them  fine  touches 
wich  show  the  man  uv  sole  and  sensibility. 


THE  LOST  NEGRO. 


195 


Be  that  ez  it  may,  the  poem  made  an  impression  on  me 
(wich  is  proof  that  there  is  suthin  in  it),  and  it  wuz  onto  my 
mind  ez  I retired  to  my  virchus  couch. 

Scarcely  hed  I sunk  into  slumber,  when  my  viggorous 
intellek,  wich  even  the  bonds  uv  slumber  can’t  chain,  wandered 
away  into  the  misty  realms  uv  speckulashen.  I hed  the  most 
horrible  vision  that  ever  afflicted  a sleepin  man,  wich  the  bare 
recollecshun-  uv  causes  a involuntary  shudder  to  thrill  my 
susceptible  frame. 

Methawt  a epidemic  startid  in  Africa,  and  come  by  reglar 
steps  through  Europe,  and  finally  reached  Noo  York.  For  a 
time  it  raged  alike  among  all  classes  uv  people,  and  among  all 
colors  and  complexions.  The  proud  and  hawty  Caucassian, 
the  bold  and  patriotic  Celt,  the  noble  red  man  uv  the  forest 
(wich  is  pizen),  all,  all  wuz  swept  away  by  the  relentless 
pestilence. 

Finally,  it  abated.  The  white  man  and  the  red  man  begun 
to  escape  the  fangs  uv  death  ; but  among  the  niggers  it  raged 
wuss  than  ever.  Thro  the  South  it  swept  like  a tornado, 
sparin  the  whites,  but  cuttin  down  every  nigger  in  its  path. 
Ther  wuz  weepin  and  wailin.  The  hawty  planter  saw  in  his 
nigger-quarters  the  brite  octoroon,  for  whom  he  hed  paid 
$2500,  and  who  hed  solaced  his  hours  uv  relaxashen  with  her 
charms  — who  hed  bore  him  girls  almost  perfectly  white,  wich, 
on  account  uv  hevin  his  blood  in  their  vanes,  he  hed  bin  able 
to  sell  for  $3000  and  $4000  to  other  planters,  whose  tastes  run 
in  that  direckshun — he  saw  her,  the  objeck  uv  his  affeckshun, 
and  a part  uv  his  estate,  lyin  a inanimate  corpse,  not  worth  a 
cent  for  any  purpose. 

Likewise  he  saw  his  robust  field-hands,  each  wun  with 
sinews  and  muscles  uv  iron  — the  males  hearty  and  sound, 
without  blemish ; the  females  capable  uv  raisin  a picanniny 
wich  wuz  worth  $200  ez  soon  ez  weaned,  wunst  a year,  and  by 
a little  extra  vdiippin  do  a year’s  work  in  the  field  every  12 
months,  stretched  cold  corpses  in  the  field,  the  cotton  unpicked, 
and  his  last  year’s  gamblin  debts  unpaid.  Thus  wuz  disease 
outragin  all  the  finer  feelins  uv  humanity,  and  destroyin  relent- 
lessly all  that  made  life  pleasant  and  lovely. 

Finally,  nigger  after  nigger  fell,  until  but  two  remained  in 


196 


THE  DEATH  SCENE. 


the  United  States.  They  wuz  a male  and  female,  nv  sich 
perfectly  healthy  systems,  that  it  seemed  impossible  for  disease 
to  tetch  them.  When  the  epidemic  wuz  known  to  hev  settled 
down  to  niggers  alone,  the  Dimokrasy  held  a consultation,  and 
fearin  the  race  wood  becum  extinct,  bed  selected  these,  hed 
carefully  secloodid  em  from  the  world,  and  hed  employed 
twenty-four  uv  the  most  eminent  medical  men  uv  the  world  to 
be  with  em  constantly  — each-  stayin  an  hour  — that,  in  case 
they  showed  any  symptoms,  the  proper  remedies  mite  be  to-^ 
wunst  applied,  afore  the  disease  got  a hold.  From  these  two, 
ef  the  rest  wuz  destroyed,  it  wuz  hoped  a new  stock  cood  be 
raised,  that  the  dangers  uv  negro  equality  mite  still  be  kept 
afore  the  Amerikin  people. 

But  all  to  no  purpose.  The  unsparin  pestilence  smoted  em, 
and,  notwithstandin  the  efforts  made  by  the  eminent  physicians, 
notwithstandin  the  prayers  and  groans  uv  the  Dimokrasy  — 
they  died ! 

Methawt  the  heavens  wuz  hung  in  black,  and  ominus  litenins 
shot  athwart  the  skies.  In  the  distance,  low,  mutrin  thunders 
wuz  heard,  and  the  beasts  uv  the  forests  run  affrighted  from 
their  coverts.  Dray  bosses  dropt  dead  in  the  streets;  dorgs 
run  wildly,  with  their  tongues  a hangin  out,  and  the  Avhite 
foam  droppin  from  their  distendid  jaws.  Ever  and  anon  pale, 
sickly  gleams  uv  lite  flashed  across  the  dark,  leaden-colored 
clouds,  givin  nacher  the  appearence  uv  labrin  under  a severe 
attack  uv  yaller  j mders. 

The  last  nigger  wuz  dead  ! 

Presently  the  leaders  uv  the  Dimokrasy  began  to  assemble. 

Fernandywood  cum. 

Alass  ! sez  be,  sobbin  ez  tho  his  hart  wood  break,  and 
kissin  the  cold  corpse  — Farewell,  my  hopes  — a long  and 
last  farewell ! Thou  wust  our  corner-stun ; on  thee  we  built. 
Thou  wust  our  capital,  our  cheefest  trust.  We  used  yoo  — 
we  abused  yoo  — and  in  abusin  yoo  found  our  profit.  Yoo 
wuz  ordained  to  be  the  cuss  uv  Ameriky  — we  wuz  ordained 
to  be  alluz  fearful  uv  yoor  bein  our  sooperior  — to  us  wuz 
entrusted  the  delightful  task  uv  keepin  yoo  down,  and  us  over 
yoo.  Our  task  is  ended  with  thee.  Kin  we  any  more  rally 
our  people  to  the  poles,  by  yawpin  the  dangers  uv  nigger 


THE  FUNERAL  ORATIONS. 


197 


equality,  when  tlier  ain’t  no  nigger  ? This,  now,  is  a white 
man’s  guverrnent — we  hev  nothin  left  to  contend  for,  and  thus 
I foller  thee.” 

And  Fernandy,  who  hed  found  a jackknife  in  the  nigger’s 
vest  pocket,  run  it  into  his  bowels,  and  fell  a dead  corpse 
across  his  body. 

Franklin  Peerse  approached  and  wailed  thus : — 

And  art  thou  gone,  last  uv  the  Afrikins  ? Good  not  the 
avengin  ministers  uv  death  hev  taken  sum  other  race  ? Good 
not  the  noble  Injin  bin  taken,  and  thou  spared  to  Dimokrasy  ? 
No  white  man  feared  his  supremacy.  Good  not  the  Ghinese 
hev  bin  sacrificed  in  thy  stead?  The  people  hed  no  prejoodis 
agin  his  color.  Thou  wust  all  that  made  me  uv  yoose,  and  ez 
thou  art  gone,  so  I go  also.” 

And  takin  the  jackknife  out  uv  Fernandy’s  hand,  he  stabbed 
hisself  with  it,  and  fell  dead  atop  uv  Fernandy. 

Vallandigum  approached,  weepin  violently. 

Opposin  thy  elevation,”  sed  he,  addressin  the  dead  nigger, 
wunst  made  a martyr  uv  me,  which  martyrdom  netted  me 
$30,000  in  ten-cent  pieces,  wich  I immejitly  invested  in  7-30 
bonds  issued  by  a tyranikle  and  onconstooshnal  guverrnent. 
By  carryin  a portrait  uv  thee,  and  exibitin  it  at  my  meetins  in 
the  rooral  deestrisks,  I hev  made  my  constituencies  bile  with 
rage,  at  the  ijee  uv  sich  ez  thou  bein  elevatid  to  their  speer. 
Like  Othello,  ‘ my  occupashun’s  gone.’  Farewell,  pollitics  — 
thou  wast  my  pollitics.  Farewell,  Gongris  ! — uv  wat  yoose  is 
a Dimekrat  in  Gongris  with  no  nigger  to  blat  about?  Fare- 
well, life  ! — for  wat  is  life  with  no  nigger  to  persekoot  ? ” 

And  takin  the  jackknife  from  Peerse’s  hand,  he  recklessly 
plunged  it  into  his  bowels,  and  fell  across  Peerse. 

Brite,  uv  Injeany ; Richardson,  uv  Illinoy  ; Seymour,  uv  Noo 
York  ; Florence,  uv  Pennsilvany,  and  all  the  feeders  uv  the 
party  uv  the  North,  without  exception,  cum  up,  and,  makin 
similar  orashuns,  used  the  jackknife  in  like  style  — fallin  across 
each  other  ez  four-foot  wood  is  corded. 

Gineral  Slocum,  uv  Noo  York,  hed  a good  mind  to  do  the 
same  thing ; but  he  conclooded  he  cood  turn  a somerset  out  uv 
the  party  ez  easy  ez  he  somersetted  into  it,  and  he  didn’t. 


198 


WHAT  HORACE  GREELEY  SAID. 


Filled  with  anguish  uv  the  heaviest  descripshun,  and  fully 
appreciatin  the  feelins  uv  the  noble  men  who  woodent  survive 
their  party^  I caught  the  jackknife,  and,  throwin  myself  into  a 
attitood  — sich  ez  I hev  seen  Forist  come,  when,  in  Otbello,  he 
stabs  hisself  — I wuz  on  the  pint  uv  makin  it  acquaintid  with 
my  intestines,  when  I happened  to  observe  a quart-bottle 
stickin  out  uv  the  nigger’s  coat  pocket.  Droppin  the  knife,  I 
seezed  it,  and  in  two  gulps  swallered  the  contents.  The  room 
spun  round  and  round,  and,  eggsaustid,  I fell  senseless  across 
the  dead  sooicides.  Jest  then  Horis  Greely  entered  the  room. 
Holdin  up  both  hands,  he  exclaimed,  — 

Ez  it  wuz  in  the  beginnin,  so  it  is  in  the  endin.  Behold  Di- 
mokrasy  ! — nigger  at  the  bottom,  whisky  at  the  top,  and  a stink 
in  the  middle.  We’re  rid  uv  two  great  cusses  to-wunst ! ” 
And,  instid  uv  punchin  his  stumick  with  the  knife,  he 
shuffled  out  uv  the  room,  holdin  his  nose. 

I awoke,  in  a feverish  sweat,  shreekin  wildly.  So  vivid  wuz 
the  scene  I hed  dreamed,  that  I found  it  impossible  to  sleep, 
and  all  that  long  nite  I walked  the  floor  in  agony. 

Wuz  the  dream  prophetik?  Is  there  any  danger  uv  the 
nigger  becomin  extinct  by  disease  ? I know  amalgamashun  is 
whitenin  him  in  the  Southern  States,  but  up  North,  where 
Dimokrasy  is  skarse,  we  kin  preserve  them  in  all  their  original 
blackness.  Hevin  grant  that  this  friteful  vision  wuz  simply 
the  result  uv  a disordered  stumick,  and  not  a warnin  uv  wrath 
to  cum  ! 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


GENERAL  MOSHER. 


199 


LXXXI. 

MEETS  A PARDONED  REBEL,  WHO  ENLIGHTENS 

HIM. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ) 
September  the  21st,  1865.  5 

Gtnral  Boanerges  Mosher,  uv  Mississippy,  who  demon- 
strated his  devoshun  to  the  grate  principles  uv  constooshnel 
liberty,  by  servin  the  Confedrisy  as  a commissary,  wrote  me  to 
meet  him  in  Washinton.  He  hed  jest  reseeved  his  pardon, 
and  tlie  fust  use  he  made  uv  his  privileges,  wuz  to  cum  to 
Washinton  to  meet  me  for  consultashen  on  the  hopes  and 
prospects  uv  the  Dimokrasy. 

Ginral  Mosher  is  a fine  specimen  uv  the  ginooine  chivelrus 
Sutherner.  Six  feet  two  inches  in  hite,  he  kin  chaw  more 
terbacker,  spit  with  greater  accooracy,  and  walk  uprite  under 
a bigger  load  uv  strate  whisky  than  any  man  I ever  met.  A 
unsofistikatid  child  uv  nacher,  he  scorns  the  polish  and  sham 
uv  wat  is  called  civilization.  Never  shel  I forgit  the  litenin- 
glanse  uv  contempt  he  darted  at  me,  when  I askt  him  to 
qualify  his  whisky  with  a little  water  ! 

Ginral  Mosher  opened  by  lamentin  the  untimely  decease  uv 
so  many  Suthern  voters,  in  the  late  diabolical  war  Linkin  and 
his  hellions  made  upon  em. 

I replied,  to-wunst,  that  that  deficit  cood  be  easily  made  up. 

I hev,”  sez  I,  bin  a considerin  this  matter.  At  a triflin 
expenditoor  uv  money  the  tide  uv  emigrashen  from  Europe 
kin  be  turnd  Southward,  and  the  places  uv  yoor  slawterd  he- 
roes be  filled  with  the  Irishman,  the  German,  the  — ’’ 

Liar  ! theef ! murderer  ! nigger-steeler  ! ” shoutid  the  Ginral, 
seezin  me  by  the  throat,  and  brandishin  his  cane  over  me. 

Fallin  on  my  knees  (formin  a table,  the  Union  ez  it  wuz),'^ 
I gaspt : 

Why  this  violence  ? ” 

0,  nothin,’^  replied  the  Ginral,  relaxin  his  holt ; I shel  be 
elected  to  Congris,  and  ez  I shel  hev  to  mix  with  yoo  Yankees, 
I wuz  a practisin  the  old  tactics,  jist  to  git  my  hand  in  agin. 


200 


A'  TOUCHING  EEMINISCENCE. 


Wuz  yoo  afeerd  ? Bless  yoor  sole,  we  woodent  kill  a Northern 
Dimekrat  for  no  money  — we  need  em.  “ But/’  continued  he, 
^Hhis  emigrashen  skeem  uv  yoors  won’t  work.  Yer  Irishman 
and  yer  German  wood  work,  but  they’d  want  wages  ! ” 

Wal  ! ” sez  I,  astoundid,  not  seein  wat  he  wuz  drivin  at. 

“ Can’t  yoo  see,”  sez  he.  They’d  earn  money,  they’d  save 
it.  Our  habits  is  expensive,  and  now  tl^at  nigger-breedin  is 
done  away  with,  we  can’t  sell  a half  dozen  niggers  per  annum, 
to  keep  up  our  expenses.  Alas  ! (tears  suffused  his  beamin 
eyes,  ez  he  spoke),  the  last  nigger  I sold  wuz  ez  white  ez  yoo 
are ; my  son  Tom  wuz  her  father,  and  1 got  $2500  for  her  in 
Mobeel,  when  she  wuz  sixteen.  I sold  her  to  the  President  uv 
the  Suthern  Society  for  the  convershun  uv  the  heathen.  I 
knockt  a hundred  off  the  price  uv  the  gal,  on  that  account. 
But  to  resoom.  The  furriner  works,  and  saves  suthin.  We 
won’t  work,  can’t  sell  no  more  niggers,  and  git  hard  up,  and 
hev  to  sell  land  to  furriners.  Then,  he’s  GUP  EKAL  ! and 
wat  becomes  uv  the  anshent  chivelry  ? ” 

But,”  sez  I,  ‘‘  yoo  hed  the  poor  whites  among  yoo  afore  the 
war.  What  wuss  wood  a furriner  be  ? ” 

Them  poor  whites  wuz  a peculiar  class  ; we  kep  em  coz  we 
hed  to  hev  em  to  vote.  We  allowd  em  to  squat  on  our  lands, 
never  let  era  learn  to  read,  and  kep  ther  skins  full  uv  cheap 
whisky.  When  wun  uv  em  got  to  know  too  much,  we  either 
killed  him  or  sent  him  North,  keepin  among  us  jest  sich  ez  we 
v/antid.  With  our  jjoor  whites  doin  our  votin  at  home,  yoo 
Dimekrats  doin  it  up  North,  and  the  niggers  doin  our  labor, 
trooly  we  wuz  a favord  pee  pie.” 

But  who  are  yoo  goin  to  git  to  do  yoor  labor  ? ” 

The  nigger.” 

But  yoo’ll  hev  to  pay  him  wages  ! ” 

Not  much.  The  Northern  Legislachers  are  a passin  laws 
agin  their  corain  there,  so  they  can’t  git  away  from  us,  and  jest 
ez  soon  ez  the  thrice-accursed  hirelin  soljers  are  withdrawd, 
our  laws  is  in  force,  and  then  wat  good  is  a nigger’s  contract 
to  him?  Methinks  the  cuss  uv  Canan  is  still  onto  him,  Linkin 
to  the  contrary  notwithstandin.  1 sliel  be  kind  to  mine  — I 
shel  pay  the  able-bodied  field-hands  $4  per  montii,  mechanics 
say  $6.  Uv  coarse,  ef  furriners  kin  compete  with  em,  and 


THE  CHILD  OF  PIOUS  PARENTS. 


201 


work  for  less,  we’ll  take  em,  pervided  they'll  he  ez  umhle. 
The  nigger  wuz  made  to  be  a slave.  God  oust  Canan,  and 
sed  he  shood  be  a servant  forever.  Did  he  mean  ns  to  pay 
him  wages  ? Not  any ; for  ef  he  had,  he  wood  hev  ordered 
our  tastes  and  habits  so  ez  we  shood  hev  hed  the  wherewithal 
to  do  it. 

Nasby,”  sed  he,  a pausin  to  drain  the  bottle,  and  rollin  his 
eyes  upwards,  I am  the  child  uv  pious  parents,  and  never,  no, 
never,  will  I depart  from  their  faith.  God  cust  the  nigger,  and 
I wdll  do  my  part,  manfully,  toward  carryin  out  His  will, 
Watever  betides  us,  the  sons  uv  Ham  must  be  the  servants  uv 
the  sons  uv  Japheth,  and  their  daughters  likewise,  that  the 
Skripter  shel  be  fulfilled.” 

I parted  with  that  great  and  good  man,  my  mind  full  uv  the 
nearly  white  gals  he  owned,  and  determined,  ere  long,  to  be 
assistin  uv  him  in  fulfillin  that  part  uv  the  Skripter. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


LXXXII. 

ON  SOUTHERN  CHARACTER. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  "i 
September  the  23d,  1865.  } 

The  world  is,  and  alluz  hez  bin,  full  uv  delusions.  A lie, 
well  started,  vigerously  stuck  to,  and  energetically  pushed, 
ansers  jest  ez  well  ez  the  trooth,  and  will  live  a long  time.  I 
hev  lived  in  this  world  uv  decepshun  long  enuff  to  diskiver 
that  there  is  a huge  diffrence  betwixt  the  real  and  the 
ideal. 


Tile  war  with  the  Rebellion  gave  Northern  men  an  opportunity  to  rid  them- 
selves of  a great  many  popular  delusions  in  regard  to  the  “ chivalry,”  “hospi- 
tality,” and  “ courtesy  ” of  the  slaveholding  gentry.  The  visits  made  by  our 
“hoys  in  blue  ” dispelled  many  illusions  created  by  the  boasts  of  Southerners, 
and  the  letters  of  sentimental  tourists,  who  felt  compelled  to  write  in  the  popular 
vein  in  order  to  find  readers,  and  have  their  views  credited. 


202 


THE  EFFECT  OF  NOVEL  READING. 


For  instance.  In  my  youth  I wuz  given  to  readin  CoopeFs 
novels,  until,  becomin  infatuated  with  his  descriptions  uv  the 
Injin  stile  uv  livin,  and  the  granjer  uv  the  Injin  charakter,  I 
determined  to  jine  a tribe,  and  adopt  their  habits.  I imagined 
myself  a noble  red  man  uv  the  forest,  a chasin  the  wild  deer 
all  the  day  thro  the  leafy  wood,  and  sweetly  sleepin  at  nite  in 
a leafy  bower,  never  wunst  thinkin  uv  the  friteful  colds  I’d 
ketch  sleepin  out  uv  doors,  and  uv  the  terrible  consekences  uv 
a purely  animal  diet  upon  my  uneducatid  bowils. 

Filled  with  these  ijees,  I made  my  way  to  the  nearest  reser- 
vation, and  the  first  noble  red  man  uv  the  forest  1 saw,  wuz 
asleep  under  a tree,  with  a bottle  beside  him.  I awakened 
him,  and  addressed  him  in  the  language  uv  the  novels,  wich  I 
sposed  wuz  all  he  cood  understand,  thus : — 

Why  slumbereth  the  chief  uv  the  Pocasokes  ? and  why  are 
not  his  feet  upon  the  war-path  ? The  skelp  uv  his  father 
hangs  in  the  lodge  uv  Skinewaugh,  and  his  death  is  un- 
avenged ! Awake  ! ” 

The  noble  Injin  rolled  over  lazily  on  one  elbow,  took  a long 
pull  at  his  bottle,  ejackulatih,  — 

<<Ugh!  go  away.  White  man  dam  fool  — gimme  dime  — 
buy  Injin  more  rum  ! ” and  sank  back  into  his  inebriated 
slumber. 

Hevin  seen  the  ginuine  Injin  ez  he  exists  out  uv  the  novels, 
I did  not  jine  that  tribe. 

I used  to  bleeve  in  Southern  chivelry.  Likewise  did  I 
bleeve  in  Robinson  Crusoe,  the  malstrom,  and  Jackson’s  cotton- 
bales  ; but,  ez  I afterwards  diskivered,  there  wuz  no  reality  in 
these,  so  I wuz  prepared  to  bleeve  the  chivelry  uv  the  South 
wuz  a good  part  bottled  moonshine. 

Wunst,  to  me,  the  Southerner  wuz  a compound  uv  George 
IV.,  Chevaleer  Bayard,  Humbolt,  and  Longfellow,  possessin 
the  deportment  uv  the  fust,  the  high-grade  chivelry  and  manly 
physikle  perfecshun  uv  the  second,  the  learnin  uv  tlie  third, 
and  the  deep  poetic  feelin  uv  the  fourth.  I sposed  he  wood 
introdoose  his  knife  into  the  bowels  uv  his  enemy  with  the 
fearlessness  and  dexterity  uv  Bayard,  apologize  with  the  calm 
grace  uv  George,  and  write  his  obitchuary  like  Longfellow,  in 
the  style  uv  Hiawatha. 


THE  REAL  SOUTHERNER. 


203 


I bleeved  his  residence  wuz  a manshun,  his  common  bever- 
age the  rosiest  kind  uv  wine,  quaffed  from  the  most  costly 
goblets  ; that  money  with  him  wuz  a matter  uv  no  account ; 
that  his  time  wuz  divided  between  his  country,  his  books,  and 
manly  out-door  sports.  In  war,  my  notion  uv  him  wuz  a cross 
between  Achilles  and  Wellington,  I givin  him  the  credit  uv 
hevin  the  dash  uv  the  one,  the  steadiness  uv  tother,  and 
the  heroism  uv  both.  Sich  wuz  my  ijee  uv  the  Southern 
gentleman. 

Wood,  0 wood  that  this  pleasin  delusion  hed  never  bin 
dissipated  ! It’s  the  nacher  uv  the  Northern  Dimekrat  to 
look  up  to  sumbody,  and  I didn’t  like  the  ijee  uv  hevin  my  idol 
dismountid.  I wuz  down  South  doorin  the  war,  hevin  served 
sevral  months  in  the  Louisiana  Pelicans,  a Confedrit  regiment, 
made  up  uv  the  fust  families  uv  that  State.  I found  that  I hed 
bin  labrin  under  a delusion  all  my  life.  I wuz  in  Virginia  a 
while,  where  yoo  are  supposed  to  find  the  highest  type  uv 
Southern  chivelry.  On  a average  the  Virginian  is  as  mizable 
a cuss  ez  ther  is  on  earth.  His  manshun  is  a shamblin  cabin  ; 
his  rosy  wine  is  a style  uv  potato  whisky,  so  inexpressibly 
mean  that  it  wood  be  rejected  with  inexpressible  scorn  by  the 
most  reckless  and  abandoned  squaw  ; his  costly  goblet  is  a stun 
jug  with  a cob  stopper,  and  his  highest  ijee  uv  amoosement  is 
quarter  races  and  poker.  Long,  lank,  lathy,  low-browed,  peak- 
nosed, he  approaches  the  appearance  uv  the  Northerner  about 
ez  closely  ez  a ring-tailed  baboon  resembles  Powers’  Greek 
Slave. 

In  war  he  haint  no  better  than  in  peace.  He  fites  well  enuff 
when  put  to  it,  but  he  haint  no  endurence.  Ef  he  don’t  win 
from  the  start,  his  game  is  up.  And  the  less  he  intends  to  do, 
the  more  he  blows  afore  he  commences.  His  endless  blowin 
about  his  fitin  capacity  and  resources,  afore  the  war,  wuz  wat 
roped  us  Northern  Dimekrats  into  it,  and  indoost  us  to  stake 
our  politikle  fucher  on  their  success.  Alass  ! we  wuz  fooled 
in  em,  and  we  go  down  with  em. 

I never  want  to  hear  a word  agin  about  Southern  chivelry. 
We  hev  got  to  git  em  back  agin,  for  alone  we  kin  do  nothin, 
and  I spose  when  we  hev  em  back,  we’ll  hev  to  knuckle  to  em 
jist  ez  we  did  afore  the  war,  for  they  comprise  the  heft  uv  the 


204 


THE  DIVERSITY  OF  THE  RACES. 


party  ; bnt  we’ll  do  it  this  time  for  policy,  while  before  we  did 
it  from  sheer  belief  in  their  sooperiority  over  us.  I’d  be  well 
satisfied  ef  we  cood  git  along,  ez  a party,  without  em. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 

LXXXIII. 

ON  THE  DIYEPSITY  OF  THE  RACES. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ^ 
September  the  24th,  1865.  ) 

Whenever  yoo  ask  the  people  to  adopt  any  given  line  uv 
ackshen,  yoo  hev  got  to  give  em  a tollable  good  reason  therefor. 
Troo,  this  never  hez  bin  so  necessary  in  the  Dimekratik  party, 
whose  members  hez  alluz  follered  their  leaders,  without  askin 
the  why  or  wherefor,  with  a fidelity  beautiful  to  behold.  But 
people,  ginerally,  are  inquisitive,  and  wun  reason  why  we  hev 
never  succeeded  with  the  slavery  question,  is  becoz  we  never 
hev  yet  given  a good  reason  why  the  nigger  shood  be  held  in 
slavery. 

Wnnst  it  wuz  sought  to  be  defended  on  the  ground  that  the 
nigger  wuz  inferior  to  the  white  man,  but  it  woodent  do. 
Why  ? Becoz  the  full-blown  Dimekrat  thot  to  hisself  to-wunst, 
Ef  the  stronger  shel  own  the  weaker  — ef  the  intellectooally 
sooperior  shel  hold  in  slavery  the  intellectooally  inferior.  Lord 
help  me  ! Why,  1 might  ez  well  go  into  a Ablishn  township 
and  select  my  master  to-wunst.” 

The  same  argument  won’t  do  ez  to  nigger  equality.  Why 
shood  we  say  that  the  nigger  shan’t  vote,  on  the  score  uv  his 
not  bein  fitted  by  educashen  or  intelligence,  when  the  fast  and 
chiefest  qualificashen  uv  a strate  Dimekrat  is  his  not  knowin 
how  to  read  ? Why,  to-day,  in  my  county,  ef  a Dimekrat  kin 
rite  his  name  without  runnin  his  tongue  out,  we  alluz  refuse  to 
elect  him  a delegate  in  the  county  convenshun.  It  exposes 
him  to  the  suspishun  uv  knowin  too  much. 


AN  ETHNOLOGICAL  POINT. 


205 


I hev  quit  all  these  slialler  dodges,  long  ago.  We  must  hev 
the  nigger,  for  jest  at  this  time  there  ain’t  no  other  capital  for 
us  to  run  on  ; but  he  must  be  put  on  maintainable  ground.  I 
put  my  foot  on  him,  on  the  ground  uv  the  diversity  uv  the 
RACES ! He  is  not  wun  uv  us.  He  is  not  a descendant  uv 
Adam.  Goddlemity  probably  made  him,  ez  he  did  the  ox,  and 
the  ass,  and  the  dorg,  and  the  babboon,  but  not  at  the  same 
time,  nor  for  the  same  purposes.  He  is  not,  in  any  sence  uv 
the  word,  a man  ! His  color  is  different,  the  size  uv  his  head 
is  different,  his  foot  is  longer,  and  his  hand  is  bigger.  He  wuz 
created  a beast,  and  the  fiat  uv  the  Almity  give  us  dominion 
over  him,  the  same  ez  over  other  beasts. 

Does  the  tlieologian  say  that  this  doctrine  undermines  the 
Christian  religion  ? I to-wunst  reply,  that  that  don’t  matter  to 
us.  Dimokrasy  and  religion  shook  hands  and  bid  each  other  a 
affecshunate  farewell,  years  ago.  Uv  what  comparison  is 
religion  to  a Dimekratik  triumph  ? 

Doth  the  ethnologist  say  that  the  difference  atween  the 
Caucassian  and  Afrikin  -is  no  greater  than  atween  the  Caucas- 
sian  and  Mongolian  ? I anser  to-wunst  that  he  is  rite  — that 
the  Mongolian  is  likewise  a beast ; becoz,  don’t  yoo  see,  there 
ain’t  no  Mongolians  in  this  secshun  uv  country  to  disprove  it. 

Doth  the  Ablishnist  pint  to  a nigger  who  kin  read  and  rite, 
and  figure  through  to  division,  and  in  sich  other  partikulers 
show  hisself  sooperior  to  the  majority  uv  Dimekrats  ? I alluz 
draw  myself  up  to  my  full  hite,  assoorn  a virchusly  indignant 
look,  and  exclaim,  He’s  nuthin  but  a d — d nigger,  anyhow  ! ” 
wich  is  the  only  effective  argument  we  hev  hed  for  ten  years. 

Doth  the  besotted  nigger-lover  pint  to  the  mulatto,  and  say. 
What  will  yoo  do  with  him,  who  is  half  beast  and  half  man, 
who  hez  half  a sole  that  is  to  be  saved  — for  one  half  uv  whom 
Christ  died?”  I anser  at  wunst,  that  I don’t  deal  in  abstrac- 
shuns,  and  git  out  ez  soon  ez  possible,  for  there  is  a weak  pint 
there,  that  I hevent  ez  yit  bin  able  to  git  over. 

Tliis  wun  weak  pint  is  no  argument  agin  my  theory,  for 
happy  is  the  Dimekrat  who  kin  propound  a theory  that  hezent 
a score,  instid  uv  wun,  weak  places  in  it. 

This  doctrine  kivers  the  whole  ground.  Ef  the  nigger  is  a 
beast,  Dimekrats  hev  a good  excuse  for  not  givin  to  mishnary 


206 


A CONVERSATION  WITH  THE  DEVIL. 


societies,  for  uv  what  use  is  it  to  undertake  to  Christianize 
beasts,  who  hev  no  soles  to  save  and  fit  em  for  the  skies  ? It 
gives  us  a perfect  rite  to  re-establish  slavery,  for  doth  not 
Blackstun,  who  wuz  supposed  to  know  ez  much  law  ez  a Noo 
Jersey  justis  uv  the  peace,  say  that  we  hev  a rite  to  ketch  and 
tame  the  wild  beast,  and  bend  him  to  our  uses  ? Also,  he  can’t 
vote  ; for  wood  the  lowest  white  man  consent  to  vote  alongside 
uv  a beast,  even  ef  he  did  walk  on  two  legs  ? Not  any. 

Let  this  doctrine  be  vigorusly  preachd,  and  I hev  no  doubt 
suthin  will  result  from  it. 

Petroleum  Y..Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashim. 
— — 

LXXXIV. 

HAS  A CONVERSATION  WITH  THE  DEVIL. 


Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ^ 
September  the  30th,  1865.  > 

Nite  afore  Last,  I wuz  at  a gatherin  uv  the  faithful,  in  the 
next  town  to  Saint’s  Rest,  and  wuz  a comin  back  on  the  nite 
train  uv  the  Camden  and  Amboy,  wich  is  the  beauty  and  glory 
uv  Noo  Jersey.  I wuz  somewat  elevatid,  hevin  hed  a need  uv 
inspirin  flooids,  there  bein  two  or  three  returned  soljers  in  the 
meetin,  who  kept  a provokin  me  with  irrelevant  and  irritatin 
remarks,  sich  ez  pullin  me  off  the  stand,  and  pintin  revolvers 
at  me. 

When  the  conductor  cum  around,  I told  him  that  I wuz  a 
humble  worker  in  the  great  field  uv  Dimekratik  reform,  and 
wuz,  uv  coarse,  without  funds,  and  that  I expected  to  be  passed 
to  my  home,  free  ! The  poor  man  wuz  thunder-struck  ! Stag- 
gerin  aginst  the  side  uv  the  car,  pale  ez  a ghost,  and  speechless, 
he  beckoned  to  a brakesman,  and  pinted  me  out.  In  a instant  I 
wuz  seized  and  bundled  out  uv  the  car.  The  next  mornin  I 
saw  the  incident  noticed  in  the  daily  papers,  under  the  follerin 
hed  lines  : — 


THE  devil’s  fears. 


'207 


THE  BULWORKS  UV  SOCIETY  A BRAKIN  AWAY  ! ” — NOO  JER- 
SEY IN  DANGER  ! ” — A FEEND  DEMANDS  TO  BE  DEAD-HEDED 
OVER*  THE  CAMDEN  AND  AMBOY  ! ” — PROMPT  AND  HEROIC  AC- 
TION UV  A CONDUCTOR ! ” 

How  long  I lay  alongside  iiv  tlie  track  I know  not ; but 
when  conshusnis  returned,  I saw,  settin  on  the  fence,  the  figure 
UV  Satan  hisself. 

Avant  I ” cried  I.  Why  comest  thou  to  torment  me  afore 
my  time  ? ” 

Don’t  skeer,”  sez  he  ; I don’t  want  yoo  yet.  Remember 
the  old  man’s  remark:  ‘Why  shood  men  club  apples  off  uv 
trees,  when,  ef  they  let  em  alone,  they  will  fall  off  themselves  ? ’ 
I woodent  take  the  trouble  to  cum  after  yoo,  and  sich  ez  yoo. 
I often  take  a toor  thro  Jersey.  It’s  my  best  harvest-field. 
I’m  pleasurin  now.” 

Reassured,  I asked  the  old  gentleman  some  questions  as  to 
what  kind  uv  biznis  he  wuz  a doin  these  times,  et  settry. 

He  replied  that  biznis  wuz  good.  The  Suthern  States  bed 
bin  his  grate  field  uv  labor,  and  when  they  rebelled  agin  the 
guverment  he  thot  he  bed  dead  wood  on  them  localities.  His 
soul  expanded  with  joy  ez  he  saw  the  Churches  South  plunge 
into  the  seceshn  biznis,  and  their  preachers  throw  off  the 
sacerdotle  robes  and  put  on  butternut  uniform.  They  never 
bed  much  religion  down  there,  anyhow  ; but  when  they  went 
into  seceshn,  they  threw  away  that  little. 

“ Ez  Linkin’s  hellions  advanced,”  he  sed,  “ my  soul  shrunk 
— only  occasionally  wuz  I elevatid  ez  yoo  Copperheds  riz  in 
the  North.  Finally,  when  Lee  and  Johnson  surrendered,  I 
give  up  all  hopes.  That,  I thot,  settled  the  question.  The 
niggers  will  be  emancipated  and  I’ll  lose  them,  for  they’ll  learn 
to  read,  and  they’ll  diskiver  that  virchoo  is  the  best  road  to 
travel.  Also  — ” 

“ Hold!”  sez  I ; “do  niggers  go  to  hell  ? ” 

“ Uv  course,  when  they  die  in  their  sins,”  sez  he. 

“ Farewell,  hope  1 ” exclaims  I,  in  agony,  “ for  all  is  lost ! At 
the  last  end  the  entire  Dimokrasy  will  be  on  a equality  with 
the  nigger,  and  will  hev  to  mix  with  em.” 


208 


AND  HIS  HOPES. 


Also/^  sez  he,  a goin  on,  ‘‘  I wuz  satisfied  I shood  lose  the 
whites  South,  for  when  they  can’t  live  on  nigger  labor,  and  hev 
to  go  to  work,  they  won’t  hev  time  to  gamble  nor  drink.  They 
won’t  hev  $2500  to  pay  for  pretty  octoroons,  and,  per  conse- 
quence, one  uv  the  commandments  will  be  better  observed. 
So  I wuz  lo-sperited,  and  conclooded  that  the  Almity  had  taken 
that  part  uv  the  country  out  uv  my  hands.” 

How,  then,”  sez  I,  is  it  that  yoo  feel  so  well  to-night?  ” 

“ For  two  reasons,”  sez  he.  I alluz  feel  at  home  in  Noo 
Jersey  ; and  besides  that,  things  don’t  look  so  bad  after  all. 
You  folks  up  North  are  doin  things  to  soot  me,  and  so  they  are 
South.  Uv  what  account  is  Linkin’s  proclamashen,  when  sich 
men  ez  now  controle  the  South,  are  in  power?  Them  Suth- 
erners  are  men  I like.  Guvner  Perry  talks  uv  ‘ Radikle 
Repubiikins,’  wich  shows  he’s  bound  to  make  head  agin  the 
only  enemies  I ever  hed  in  the  North.  The  nigger  is  free,  but 
only  in  name.  That  blessid  doctrin  uv  Stait  Rites  allows  each 
wun  uv  the  States  to  oppress  jist  which  class  they  please,  and 
ez  the  North  will  certainly  pass  all  sorts  uv  laws  agin  their 
escapin  in  that  direcshun,  it  seems  to  me  ez  tho  Cuff  wuz 
between  the  upper  and  nether  mill-stun,  after  all.  Five  dollars 
a month  they  will  agree  to  pay  him,  but  that  he’ll  never  git. 
Then  follers  stealins,  and  stabbins,  and  shootins,  and  hangins, 
and  arsons,  and  insurrections  [here  he  rubbed  his  hands],  and 
more  sich  fun  than  we  ever  saw.  Then  when  the  South  gets 
strong  agin,  and  they  and  yoo,  united,  make  a majority  in  Con- 
gris,  won’t  them  Yankees  git?  Won’t  we  (I  speak  uv  yoo 
Northern  Dimekrats  and  the  South  and  me,  wich  hez  alluz  bin 
pardners)  make  the  North  pay  the  Suthern  war  debt?  Won’t 
we  re-establish  slavery  in  the  South  and  extend  it  over  all  the 
territories,  and  finally  over  all  the  Northern  Staits,  makin  it 
universal  ? I rather  think  so.^  Ef  the  North  refuses,  then  agin, 
yoo  and  the  South  and  I will  make  another  war,  and  that  time 
we’ll  succeed,  for  we’ll  know  how,  better,  and  the  guverment 
overthrowd,  we’ll  fix  it  jist  ez  we  want  it.  And  then — ” 

At  this  pint  he  threw  his  left  arm  about  my  neck  in  a 
extasy  uv  irrepressible  love.  It  scorched  ez  tho  a hot  bar 
uv  iron  hed  bin  twisted  around  me,  and,  shreekin  with  agony 
— I awoke. 


ANOTHER  APPEAL. 


209 


It  WITZ  only  a dream,  and  I found  myself  a lyin  in  the  identi- 
kle  ditch  into  wich  I hed  fallen  when  the  conductor  threw  me 
off  the  trane. 

I cood  not  help  wondrin  at  the  correctnis  with  wich  my 
visitor  guessed  the  purposes  uv  our  party. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 
LXXXV. 

APPEAL  TO  THE  DEMOCRACY. 

Saint’s  Rest  (wich  is  in  tlie  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey), 
October  the  4th,  1865.  ) 

Dimekrats  uv  the  North  ! Yoo  hev  to  decide  whether  the 
old  party,  which  hez  alluz  delited  in  managin  the  affairs  uv  this 
guvernment,  is  to  agin  assoom  its  nateral  position,  or  whether 
it  is  doomed  to  die,  and  be  among  the  things  that  wuz. 

Ez  the  hed  uv  the  party  I issue  this  appeal. 

The  time  for  argument  hez  passed  — all  that  now  remains  is 
ackshen  ! ackshen  ! ! ackshen  ! ! ! 

Never  before  wuz  there  sich  need  uv  work — never  wuz 
there  so  much  at  stake.  Look  around  yoo,  fellow-Dimekrats  ! 
See  ! Uv  all  the  States  North,  only  Noo  Jersey  remains  troo 
to  her  anshent  prinsipples.  The  dark  waves  uv  Ablishnism 
are  a sweepin  over  the  land,  unchecked,  save  by  Noo  Jersey. 
There,  thank  God,  the  ark  uv  the  covnant  rests.  There  the 
vestal  fires  burn  brightly.  Noo  Jersey  hez  the  Dimokrasy  she 
alluz  hed  — she  changes  not.  Ever  since  the  year  before  the 
Revolushpn,  she  hez  bin  Dimekratik.  No  matter  wat  issues 
wuz  presented  — no  matter  on  wich  side  uv  sed  issues  the 
Dimokrasy  planted  themselves,  Noo  Jersey  alluz  voted  that 
ticket. 

Sich  confidin  trust  in  the  leaders,  sich  Roman  simplicity,  is 
refreshin.  Wood,  0 wood  that  we  hed  more  Noo  Jerseys  ! 

This  fall  the  Dimokrasy  hev  exceeded  theirselves  in  liber- 
14 


210 


A VARIETY  OF  PLATFORMS. 


ality  to  the  people.  Never  wuz  there  sich  a assortment  uv 
principles  to  choose  from.  In  Noo  York,  we  hev  on  the  track 
a Ginral,  who  sheathed  his  sword  in  the  hearts  uv  his  Suthern 
brethrin,  and  him  we  stood  on  a platform  wich  recognizes  the 
death  uv  slavery,  and  feels  good  over  it,  and  wich  goes  for 
pay  in  the  debt,  intrest,  principle,  and  all.  In  Noo  Jersey  we 
hev  a Ginral  on  the  ticket  who  run  away  from  Bull  Run,  becoz 
he  didn’t  approve  uv  the  principles  on  wich  the  war  wuz  bein 
conducted,  on  a platform  ez  strikly  Suthern  ez  the  Camden  and 
Amboy  cood  make  it.  In  Ohio,  our  platform  wuz  made  by  the 
great  Yallandigum,  and  in  it  is  the  pure  expressed  juice  uv 
Dimokrasy.  The  great  doctrine  uv  State  Rites  is  avowed,  and 
the  rite  uv  the  seceded  Staits  to  agin  secede  is  upheld. 

Here  is  diversity  — here  is  pickin.  Each  Dimekrat  kin  pick 
wich  set  uv  principles  he  desires,  and  the  cheerman  uv  his 
central  committy  will  cheerfully  certify  that  that  set  will  be 
made  universal,  ez  soon  ez  a Nashnel  Convenshun  convenes. 

Look  at  what  interests  are  at  stake.  Do  yoo  want  to  marry 
nigger  wenches  ? Do  yoo  want  yoor  gushin  daughters  tied  by 
indissoluble  ties  to  disgustin  buck  niggers?  We  hev  persist- 
ently petitioned  Abolishn  legislachers  to  pass  acts  preventin 
us  from  doin  this  foul  thing,  but  to  no  avale.  They  hev  turned 
a deaf  ear  to  our  entreaties,  and  to-day  we  stand  exposed  to  all 
these  dangers. 

Do  yoo  want  a buck  nigger  to  march  up  to  the  poles  with 
yoo  to  vote  ? Do  yoo  want  their  children  mixt  with  yoors  in 
schools  ? Do  yoo  want  em  on  juries  and  holdin  ofHs  in  yoor 
township?  My  God!  think  uv  it!  Think  uv  yoor  bein  brot 
up  on  a charge  uv  petty  larceny,  sich  ez  steelin  sheep  or 
chickens,  before  a nigger  justis  uv  the  peace  ! Think  uv  yoor 
bein  sued  for  a store  bill  that  hed  run  ten  years,  afore  a nigger 
squire  ! In  the  towns  and  cities,  think  uv  bein  arrested  for 
bein  drunk,  by  a nigger  policeman,  and  bein  arraned  in  the 
mornin  before  a nigger  mayor ! Contemplate  these  picters 
without  a shudder,  ef  yoo  kin.  These  questions  m.ust  be  met. 
They  stare  us  in  the  face.  On  yoo  depends  the  issue.  The 
nigger  is  our  natral  enemy. 

A collection  of  Democratic  State  platforms  of  1865  would  make  an  amusing 
volume.  No  two  were  alike,  save  in  denunciation  of  the  negro. 


EALLY  ! RALLY  ! RALLY  ! 


211 


Slim  uv  our  best  lites  are  in  favor  uv  givin  him  the  suffrage, 
on  the  ground  that  in  a little  while  we  wood  git  his  votes,  on 
the  principle  that  we  ketch  all  the  trash  naturally.  My  frends, 
be  not  deseeved.  We  hev  abused  the  nigger  so  long  and  so 
persistently,  that  it  wood  take  ages  afore  we  cood  git  him  suffi- 
shently  demoralized  to  act  with  us,  and  afore  that  time  we 
wood  all  be  in  the  silent  grave,  where  pollitics  is  uv  no 
account. 

On  the  question  uv  taxes,  and  reconstruction,  and  sich,  I 
refer  yoo  to  the  platforms  adopted  by  yoor  various  State  Con- 
venshuns ; yoo  may  depend  upon  each  bein  perfeckly  sound. 
On  these  minor  questions  there  may  be  difference  uv  opinion 
in  localities ; but,  thank  Heaven,  on  nigger  there  is  unanimity. 
a Nigger  and  him  prostrated,”  is  the  rallyin  cry  uv  the  Hi- 
mokrasy.  North,  South,  East,  and  West. 

I bleeve,  in  the  above,  I hev  given  a full  epitome  uv  the 
principles  uv  the  party.  We  hev  a terrible  fite  afore  us,  and  it 
behooves  every  Dimekrat  to  buckle  on  his  armor  to-wunst. 
Noo  Jersey  may  be  dependid  on.  The  few  Ablishnists  we  hev, 
hev  gone  so  far  into  spellin-books  and  grammars,  that  their  talk 
is  all  Greek  to  our  voters,  and  so  they  are  safe  from  their 
contaminatin  appeals.  ' She  expects  every  State  to  do  its 
dooty.  She  is  lonesome,  and  wants  company.  She  stretches 
out  her  hands  appealinly  to  her  sisters,  and  sez,  in  winnin  tones, 
Jine  me  ! ” 

Will  yoo  not  do  it?  Shel  she  appeal  in  vane?  Forbid  it, 
Hevin  ! Rally  ! Rally  ! Rally  ! 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Disjpensashun. 


212 


AN  INTERRUPTED  SPEECH. 


/ 


LXXXVI. 

AFTER  THE  OCTOBER  ELECTIONS,  1865. 

Saint's  Rest  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  t 
October  the  11th,  1865.  5 

Ohio,  Ablishn  ! 

PenrisylvaDv,  Ablislm  ! 

Noo  Jers&y,  not  eggsackly  Ablishn,  but  approachin  there- 
unto. 

Sich  is  the  encouragin  news  I read  in  the  newspapers  this 
mornin  ! Sich  is  the  result  uv  labors  Herculian,  in  the  above- 
named  States.  What  do  the  people  mean  ? 

The  pure  Dimokrasy,  probably,  will  carry  Noo  York;  but  of 
what  consolation  is  that  to  me  ? The  two  parties,  the  old, 
anslient  Dimokrasy  and  the  Ablishn,  run  a race  into  the  realms 
uv  Radikalism,  and  the  Dimokrasy  beat  them  over  a length. 
With  a platform  standin  by  Jolinson,  endorsin  his  anti-slavery 
notions,  his  Sutbern  oppression  notions,  his  hangin  uv  Mrs., 
Surratt,  et  settry,  and  on  that  platform  a soljer  who  never  votid 
a Dimekratik  ticket  in  his  life,  who  went  into  the  war  a Radikle 
Ablislmist  and  who  kiim  out  a Radikle  Ablishnist,  I don’t  know 
that  I hev  much  to  choose  at  ween  em. 

Last  week  I wuz  invited  into  a county  in  Noo  York,  to  ad- 
dress a Dimekratik  meetin.  1 accepted  (ez  my  expenses  Avere 
paid,  Avich  is  cheeper  and  better  boardin  than  1 get  at  the 
groceries  to  home),  and  accordinly  1 Avent.  1 commenst  de- 
li verin  the  speech  I hed  used  all  over  Noo  Jersey.  1 com- 
menst abusin  the  nigger,  Avhen  the  cheerman  interrupted  me. 

“ Well,”  sez  I,  Avat  is  it?”  rather  angrily,  for  AAdien  I git 
warmed  up  and  a sAveatin,  I don’t  like  to  be  interruptid. 

Why,”  sed  he,  our  constooshn  allows  a nigger  Avho  hez 
$250  to  vote,  and  most  ua^  em  hev  that  sum,  and  Ave  make  it  a 
pint  to  sekoor  em.” 

They’re  a d — d site  better  off  than  most  uv  us  AAdiite  Dime- 
krats  in  Noo  Jersey,  retortid  I,  a droppin  the  nigger  and  goin 
on  agin  President  Johnson. 

Stop,”  Avinspered  the  cheerman;  our  platform  indorses 
President  Johnson.” 


AND  A SUDDEN  ENDING. 


213 


Thunder!’’  remarked  I,  droppin  President  Johnson,  and 
slidin  easily  into  a viggerus  denunciation  uv  the  war. 

Good  God  1 ” sez  the  cheerman,  stop  ! Our  platform  in- 
dorses the  war.” 

I sed  nothin  this  time,  but  commenst  denoimcin  the  debt. 

Hold  ! ” sed  the  cheerman ; easy  — our  platform  backs  up 
the  debt.” 

Well,  then,”  sed  I,  in  a rage,  why  in  blazes  didn’t  yoo  send 
me  a copy  of  yoor  platform  when  yoo  wantid  me  to  address 
yoo  ? Go  to  thunder,  and  make  yoor  own  speeches ; ” and  1 
• stalked  off  the  platform. 

Time  wuz  when  wun  speech  wood  do  a man  all  over  the 
North.  Now  yoo  hev  to  hev  a diffrent  wun  for  every  State, 
wich  makes  it  impossible  for  me  to  travel,  for  wun  effort  per 
season  is  enuff  for  me. 

But,  ez  I wuz  a sayin,  we  are  beat  agin,  and  beat  badly  — 
beat  on  issues  uv  our  own  makin  — beat  with  taxes,  bonds,  war 
debt,  and  nigger  equality  all  in  our  favor.  Don’t  say  to  me 
that  we  redoost  their  majorities.  What  difference  does  it  make 
to  a defeatid  candidate,  whether  the  majority  agin  him  is  one 
thousand  or  one  hundred  ? A needle  will  kill  a man  ez  effect- 
ually ez  a broadsword,  ef  it’s  stuck  in  the  right  place.  So  a 
majority  uv  wun  is  enuff.  I hev  known  men  to  hold  orfises 
four  years,  and  hev  good  appetites,  on  a majority  uv  one.  It’s 
the  orfises  we  wuz  a goin  for  — it’s  them  our  patriots  wanted, 
and  it’s  no  consolation  to  them  to  say  they  missed  by  a small 
majority!  It’s  holler  mockery  — the  same  ez  tho  you’d  show 
a starvin  man  a loaf  uv  bread  jest  inside  uv  iron  bars  — his 
fingers  are  not  a inch  from  it,  but,  so  far  ez  his  cravin  stumick 
is  concerned,  it  mite  ez  well  be  across  the  boundless  ocean. 

We  may  recover  from  this  backset,  but  I hev  my  fears.  The 
people  is  ez  stupid  ez  ever,  and  our  leaders  is  ez  acoot  ez  ever ; 
but,  alas  ! the  fact  that  we  hev  failed  in  everything  we  hev 
undertook,  for  four  years,  is  gettin  thro  the  hair  uv  thousands, 
and  they  look  askant  at  us. 

Be  it  ez  it  may,  it  makes  but  little  difference  to  me.  A few 
years,  and  I shel  go  hence.  Ef  the  Bible  is  troo,  I shel  go 
where  I will  find  a heavy  Dimekratik  majority,  shoor ; ef  it  is 
not,  and  there  is  no  hereafter,  why,  then,  at  last,  I shel  be  on  a 
level  with  the  best. 


214 


A TERRIBLE  BLOW. 


“ So,  let  the  wide  world  wag  ez  it  will,” 

I’ll  keep  on  the  even  tenor  iiv  my  way,  takin  my  nips  ez  often 
ez  I kin  find  a confidin  sole  who  hez  more  money  than  dis- 
creshun. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


LXXXVII. 

AFTEP  THE  NEW  JERSEY  ELECTION,  1865. 

Saint’s  Rest  (v/ich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Noo  Jersey),  ? 

November  9,  1865.  ^ 

Never  wuz  I in  so  pleasant  a frame  nv  mind  ez  last  night. 
All  wuz  peace  with  me,  for  after  bein  buffeted  about  the  world 
for  three  skore  years,  at  last  it  seemed  to  me  ez  tho  forchune, 
tired  uv  persekootin  a unforchnit  bein,  bed  taken  me  into  favor. 
I hed  a solemn  promise  from  the  Dimekratic  State  Central 
Committy  in  the  great  State  uv  Noo  Jersey,  that  ez  soon  ez 
our  candidate  for  Governor  wuz  dooly  elected,  I shood  hev  the 
position  uv  Doorkeeper  to  the  House  uv  the  Lord  (wichin  this 
State  means  the  Capital,  and  wich  is  certainly  better  than 
dwellin  in  the  tents  uv  wicked  grosery  keepers,  on  tick,  ez  I 
do),  and  a joodishus  exhibition  uv  this  promise  hed  prokoored 
for  me  unlimited  facilities  for  borrerin,  wich  I improved. 

On  Wednesday  nite  I wuz  a sittin  in  my  room,  a enjoyin  the 
pleasin  reflection  that  in  a few  days  I should  be  placed  above 
want  and  beyond  the  contingencies  uv  fortune.  Wood  ! oh, 
wood  ! that  I hed  died  then  and  there,  before  that  dream  uv 
bliss  wuz  roodly  broken.  A wicked  boy  come  runnin  past  with 
a paper  which  he  hed  brot  from  the  next  town  where  there 
lives  a man  who  takes  one.  He  flung  it  thro  the  window  to 


The  carrying  of  New  Jersey  by  the  Republicans  in  1865  was  a severe  blow 
to  the  Democracy.  It  was  about  the  last  of  their  strongholds. 


A SAD  SONG. 


215 


me  and  passed  on.  I opened  it  eagerly,  and  glanced  at  the 
bed  lines  ! 

Noo  Jersey  — 5,000  Republikin  ! ” 

One  long  and  piercin  shreek  wuz  heard  thro  that  house,  and 
wen  the  inmates  rushed  into  the  room  they  found  me  inanimate 
on  the  floor.  The  fatal  paper  lay  near  me,  explainin  the  cause 
uv  the  catastrophe.  The  kind-hearted  landlord,  after  feelin  uv 
my  pockets  and  diskiverin  that  the  contents  thereof  wood  not 
pay  the  arrearages  uv  board,  held  a hurried  consultation  with 
his  wife  as  to  the  propriety  uv  bringin  me  to ; he  insisting  that 
it  wuz  the  only  chance  uv  gittin  what  wuz  owin  them  — she 
insistin  ef  I wuz  brung  to  I’d  go  on  runnin  up  the  bill,  bigger 
and  bigger,  and  never  pay  at  last.  While  they  wuz  argooin 
the  matter,  pro  and  con,  I happened  to  git  a good  smell  uv  his 
breath,  wich  restored  me  to  consciousness  to-wunst,  without 
further  assistance. 

When  in  trouble  my  poetic  sole  alluz  finds  vent  in  song. 
Did  ever  poet  who  delited  in  tombs,  and  dark,  rollin  streams, 
and  consumption,  and  blighted  hopes,  and  decay,  and  sich 
themes,  ever  hev  sich  a pick  of  subjects  ez  I hev  at  this  time  ? 
The  follerin  may  be  a consolation  to  the  few  Dimokrats  uv  the 
North  who  hev  gone  so  far  into  Copperheadism  that  they  can’t 
change  their  base  : — 

A Wale  ! 

In  the  mornin  we  go  forth  rejoicin  in  our  strength  — in  the 
evenin  we  are  bustid  and  wilt ! 

Man  born  uv  woman  (and  most  men  are)  is  uv  few  days,  and 
them  is  so  full  uv  trouble  that  it’s  scarcely  worth  while  bein 
born  at  all. 

In  October  I waded  in  woe  knee-deep,  and  now  the  waters 
uv  afflickshun  are  about  my  chin. 

I look  to  the  East,  and  Massachoosets  rolls  in  Ablishn. 

To  the  West  I turn  my  eyes,  and  Wisconsin,  and  Minnesota, 
and  Illinoy  ansers  — Ablishn.  . 

Southward  I turn  my  implorin  gaze,  and  Maryland  sends 
greetin  — Ablishn. 

In  New  York  we  had  em,  for  lo  I we  run  a soljer,  who  fought 


216 


HORRIBLE  VISIONS. 


Valiantly,  and  we  put  him  on  a platform,  wich  stunk  with  nig- 
ger — yea,  the  savor  thereof  wuz  louder  than  the  Ablishn  plat- 
form itself. 

But  behold  ! the  people  jeer  and  flout,  and  say  “ The  platform 
stinketh  loud  enough,  but  the  smell  thereof  is  not  the  smell  uv 
the  Afrikin  — it  is  of  the  rotten  material  uv  wich  it  is  com- 
posed, and  the  corrupshun  they  hev  placed  upon  it,’’  — and 
New  York  goes  Ablishun. 

Slocum  held  hisself  up,  and  sed,  “ Come  and  buy.”  And 
our  folks  bought  him  and  his  tribe,  but  he  getteth  not  his 
price. 

Noo  Jersey  — Ablishun  ! ! 

Job’s  cattle  wuz  slain  by  murrain,  and  holler  horn,  and  sich, 
and,*  not  livin  near  Noo  York,  the  flesh  thereof  he  cood 
not  sell. 

But  Job  hed  suthin  left  — still  cood  he  sell  the  hides  and 
tallow  ! 

Lazarus  hed  sores,  but  he  hed  dorgs  to  lick  them. 

Noo  Jersey  wuz  the  hide  and  tallow  uv  the  Dimocrisy,  and 
lo  ! that  is  gone. 

What  little  is  left  uv  the  Dimocrisy  is  all  sore,  but  where  is 
the  dorg  so  low  ez  to  lick  it  ? 

Noo  Jersey  wuz  our  ewe  lamb  — lo  ! the  strong  hand  uv 
Ablishnism  hez  taken  it. 

Noo  Jersey  wuz  the  Aryrat  on  which  our  ark  rested  — be- 
hold ! the  dark  waves  uv  Ablishnism  hev  swept  over  it ! 

Darkness  falls  over  me  like  a pall  — the  shadder  uv  woe 
encompasseth  me. 

Down  my  furrowed  cheeks  rolleth  the  tears  uv  anguish, 
vary  in  in  size  from  a large  pea  to  a small  tater. 

Noo  Jersey  will  vote  for  the  Constooshnel  Amendment,  and 
lo  ! the  Nigger  will  possess  the  land. 

I see  horrid  visions  ! 

On  the  Camden  and  Amboy,  nigger  brakesmen  ! and  at  the 
polls,  niggers  ! 

Where  shall  we  find  refuge  ? • 

In  the  North  ? Lo  ! it  is  barred  agin  us  by  Ablishnism. 

In  the  South  ? In  their  eyes  the  Northern  Copperhead 
findeth  no  favor. 


IN  WASHINGTON. 


217 


In  Mexico  ? There  is  war  there^  and  we  might  be  drafted. 

Who  will  deliver  us  ? Who  will  pluck  us  from  the  pit  into 
wich  we  hev  fallen? 

Where  I shel  go  the  Lord  only  knows,  but  my  impression  is, 
South  Carliny  will  be  my  future  home.  Wade  Hampton  is 
elected  Governor,  certin,  and  in  that  noble  State,  one  may 
perhaps  preserve  enough  uv  the  old  Dimokratic  States  Rites 
to  leaven  the  whole  lump. 

“I’m  aflote  — I’m  aflote 
On  the  dark  rollin  sea.” 

And  into  what  harbor  fate  will  drive  my  weather-beaten  bark, 
the  undersigned  can  not  trooly  say. 

Noo  Jersey  — farewell ! The  world  may  stand  it  a year  or 
two,  but  I doubt  it. 

Mournfly  and  sadly. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


LXXXVIII. 

A CONVERSATION  WITH  GExNERAL  McSTINGER,  OF 
THE  STATE.  OF  GEORGIA,  WHICH  IS  INTERRUPT- 
ED BY  A SUBJUGATED  REBEL. 

Washington,  D.  C.,  November  18,  1865. 
Sence  the  November  elections  I hev  bin  spendin  the  heft  uv 
my  time  in  Washinton.  I find  a melankoly  pleasure  in  ling’rin 
around  the  scene  uv  so  many  Demokratic  triumphs.  Here  it 
wuz  that  Brooks,  the  heroic,  bludgeoned  Sumner  ; here  it  wnz 
that  Calhoon,  and  Yancey,  and  Breckinridge  achieved  their 
glory  and  renown.  Besides,  it’s  the  easiest  place  to  dodge  a 
board  bill  in  the  Yoonited  States.  There’s  so  many  Congress- 


The  McStingers  of  tlie  South  (and  there  were  thousands  of  them)  really 
supposed  that  tliey  would  be  permitted  to  take  their  old  places  in  the  govern- 
ment, and  have  the  same  control  they  had  previous  to  secession. 


218 


THE  OFFENDED  CHIVALRY. 


men  here  who  resemble  me,  that  I hev  no  difficulty  in  passin 
for  one  two  thirds  uv  the  time. 

Yisterday  J met,  in  the  readin-room  uv  Willard’s,  Ginral 
MacStinger,  of  South  Karliny.  The  Ginral  is  here  on  the 
same  bizness  most  uv  the  Southern  men  hev  in  this  classic 
city,  that  uv  prokoorin  a pardon,  wich  he  hed  prokoored,  and 
wuz  gittin  ready  to  go  home  and  accept  the  nominashen  for 
Congress  in  his  deestrick. 

The  Ginral  wuz  gloomy.  Things  didn’t  soot  him,  he  observed, 
and  he  wuz  afeerd  that  the  country  wuz  on  the  high  road  to 
rooin.  He  hed  bin  absent  from  the  United  States  suthin  over 
four  yeers,  wich  time  he  hed  spent  in  the  Southern  Confederacy. 
When  he  went  out  the  Constooshnel  Dimocrisy  hed  some  rites 
wich  wuz  respected.  On  his  return  wat  did  he  see  ? The 
power  in  the  hands  uv  Radikals,  Ablishnism  in  the  majority 
everywhere,  a ex-tailor  President,  — a state  uv  affairs  disgustin 
in  the  extreme  to  the  highly  sensitive  Southern  mind.  He  had 
accepted  a pardon  only  becoz  he  felt  hisself  constrained  to  put 
hisself  info  position  to  go  to  Congress,  that  the  country  might 
be  reskood  from  its  impendin  peril.  He  shood  go  to  Congress., 
and  then  he  shood  ask  the  despots  who  now  hev  control, 
whether, — 

1.  They  spozed  the  South  wood  submit  to  hoomiliatin  con- 
dishns  ? 

2.  What  Androo  Johnson  means  by  dictatin  to  the  Conven- 
shuns  uv  sovereign  States  ? 

Why,”  sez  he,  but  a few  days  ago  this  boor  hed  the 
ashoorence  to  write  to  the  Georgy  Convenshun  that  it  ^ must 
not  ’ — mark  the  term  — ‘ must  not  assoom  the  confedrit  war 
debt.’  Is  a tailor  to  say  ^ must  not  ’ to  chivelrus  Georgy  ? 
Good  God  ! — where  are  we  driftin?  For  one,  I never  will  be 
consilliated  on  them  terms  — never  ! I never  wuz  used  to  that 
style  uv  talk  in  Dimekratic  convenshuns. 

Ez  soon  ez  I take  my  seat  in  Congris,”  resoomed  he,  I 
shel  deliver  a speech,  wich  I writ  the  day  after  Lee  surren- 
dered, so  ez  to  hev  it  ready,  in  which  I shel  take  the  follerin 
ground,  to  wit : — 

“ Tliat  the  South  hev  buried  the  hatchit,  and  hev  diskivered 
that  they  love  the  old  Union  above  anything  on  earth.  But, 


AN  INTERRUPTION. 


219 


The  North  must  meet  us  half  way,  or  we  won’t  be  answer- 
able  for  the  consekences.  Ez  a basis  for  a settlement,  I shel 
insist  on  the  follerin  condishens  : — 

“ The  Federal  debt  must  be  repoodiated,  principal  and  inter- 
est, or  ef  paid,  the  Southern  war  debt  must  be  paid  likewise  — 
ez  a peece  offerin.  The  doctrine  uv  State  Rites  must  be  made 
the  soopreme  law  uv  the  land,  that  the  South  may  withdraw 
whenever  they  feel  theirselves  dissatisfied  with  Massachoosetts. 
Uv  course  this  is  a olive  branch. 

Jefferson  Davis  must  be  to-wunst  set  at  liberty  and  Sum- 
ner hung,  ez  proof  that  the  North  is  really  concilliatory.  On 
this  point  I am  inflexible,  and  on  the  others  immovable.” 

xVn  old  man  who  hed  bin  listenin  to  our  talk,  murmured  that 
there  wuz  a parallel  to  this  last  proposishen. 

•*'  Where?  ” demanded  the  Genral. 

The  Jews,  I remember,”  replied  he,  demanded  that 
Barabbas  be  released  unto  them,  who  wuz  a thief,  I believe, 
and  the  Savior  be  crucified,  but  I forgit  jist  how  it  wuz.” 

The  Ginral  withered  him  with  a litenin  glance,  and  re- 
soomed : — 

I shel,  uv  course,  offer  the  North  siithin  in  the  way  uv 
compensation,  for  the  troo  theory  uv  a Republikin  Guvernment 
is  compermise.  On  our  part  we  pledge  ourselves  to  come 
back,  and  give  the  North  the  benefit  uv  our  comin  back,  so 
long  ez  Massachoosetts  conducts  herself  accordin  to  our  ijees 
uv  what  is  rite.  But  ef  this  ekitable  adjustment  is  rejected, 
all  I hev  to  say  then  is,  I shel  resign,  and  the  Government  may 
sink  without  wun  effort  from  me  to  save  it.” 

I wuz  about  to  give  in  my  experience,  when  the  old  man, 
who  wuz  sittin  near  us,  broke  in  agin  : — 

My  name,”  sed  he,  “ is  Maginnis,  and  I live  in  Alabama.  I 
want  to  say  a word  to  the  gentleman  from  Karliny,  and  to  the 
wun  from  Noo  Jersey.” 

How,”  retorted  I,  “ do  yoo  know  I’m  from  Noo  Jersey,  not 
hevin  spoken  a word  in  yoor  hearin  ? ” 

“ By  a instink  I hev.  Whenever  I see  a Sutherner  layin  it 
down  heavy  to  a indivijooel  whose  physiognamy  is  uv  sich  a 
cast  that  upon  beholdin  it  yoo  instinktively  feel  to  see  that 
yoor  pocket-handkercher  is  safe,  a face  that  wood  be  dangerous 


220 


WHAT  MR,  MAGINNIS  HAD  TO  SAY. 


ef  it  had  courage  into  it,  I alluz  know  the  latter  to  he  a Northern 
Copperhead.  The  Noo  Jersey  part  I guessed  at,  becoz,  my 
friend,  that  State  furnished  the  lowest  order  uv  Copperheads  of 
any  uv  em.  Pardon  me  ef  1 flatter  yoo.  But  what  I wanted  to 
say  wuz,  that  I spose  suthin  hez  happened  doorin  the  past  four 
years.  1 was  a original  secessionist.  Sum  years  ago  I hed  a 
hundred  niggers,  and  wuz  doin  well  with  em.  But,  unforchu- 
nitly,  my  brother  died,  and  left  me  ez  much  more  land,  but  no 
niggers.  1 wanted  niggers  enuff  to  work  that  land,  and  sposed 
ef  cut  off  from  the  North,  and  the  slave-trade  wuz  reopened,  I 
cood  git  em  cheaper.  Hence  I seceshed.  Sich  men  ez  Genral 
McStinger  told  me  the  North  woodent  fight  or  I woodent  hev 
secesht,  but  I did.  I went  out  for  wool  and  cum  back  shorn. 
I seceshed  with  100  niggers  to  git  200,  and  alas  ! 1 find  myself 
back  into  the  old  government,  with  nary  a nigger. 

But  all  this  is  no  excoose  for  talkin  bald  noncents.  Yoo 
old  ass,’’  sed  he,  addressin  Genral  McStinger,  ^^yoo  talk  uv  wat 
yoo  will  do,  and  what  yoo  won’t.  Heven’t  yoo  diskivered  that 
yoo  are  whipped  ? Heven’t  yo'o  found  out  that  yoo  are  sub- 
joogated?  Are  yoo  back  into  the  Union  uv  yoor  own  free 
will  and  akkord?  Heven’t  yoo  got  a pardon  in  yoor  pockit, 
which  dockyment  is  all  that  saves  yoor  neck  from  stretchin 
hemp?  Why  do  yoo  talk  uv  wat  South  Carliny  will  and  wont 
do?  Good  Lord  ! I recollect  about  a year  since  South  Carliny 
wood  nevei'  permit  her  soil  to  be  pollutid  by  Yankee  hirelins, 
yit  Sherman  marched  all  over  it  with  a few  uv  em,  and  skacely 
a gun  was  fired  at  em.  So  too  I recollect  that  that  sed  State, 
wich  wuz  agoin  to  whip  the  entire  North,  and  wich  wood,  ef 
overpowered,  submit  gracefully  and  with  dignity  to  anniliila- 
tion,  and  sich,  wuz  the  first  to  git  down  on  her  marrow  bones, 
and  beg  for  peace  like  a dorg.  Ef  yoo  intend  this  talk  for  the 
purpose  uv  skarin  the  North,  beleeve  me  when  I say  that  the 
North  ain’t  so  easy  shared  ez  it  wuz.  Ef  it’s  intendid  for  home 
consumption,  consider  me  the  people.  I’ve  heard  it  before, 
and  I’ll  take  no  more  uv  it  until  my  stumick  settles.  It  makes 
me  sick.  The  fact  is  we  are  whipped,  and  hev  got  to  do  the 
best  we  kin.  We  are  a goin  to  pay  the  Federal  debt,  and  ain’t 
goin  to  pay  the  Confederit  debt.  Davis  will  be  hung,  and 
serve  him  rite.  States  rites  is  dead,  and  slavery  is  abolished. 


HIS  ADVICE. 


221 


and  with  it  chivelry ; and  it’s  my  opinion  the  South  is  a d — d 
sight  better  off  without  eitiier  of  em.  I kin  sware,  now, 
after  livin  outside  uv  the  sliadder  uv  the  flag  four  years,  that  I 
love  it ! You  bet  I do.  I carry  a small  one  in  my  coat  pocket. 
I hev  a middlin  sized  one  waved  by  my  youngest  bo}"  over  the 
family  when  at  prayers,  and  a whalin  big  one  Avavin  over  my 
house  all  tbe  time.  I liev  diskivered  that  it’s  a good  thing  to 
live  under,  and  Avhen  sich  cusses  as  yoo  talk  uv  what  yoo  Avill 
and  Avon’t  do  under  it,  1 bile.  Go  home,  yoo  cusses,  go  home  ! 
Yoo,  South,  and  pullin  orf  yoor  coat,  go  to  Avork,  thankin  God 
that  Johnson’s  merciful  enuff  to  let  yoo  go  home  at  all,  insted 
11 V hangin  yoo  up  like  a dorg,  for  tryin  to  bust  a Guverment 
too  good  for  yoo.  Yoo,  North,  thankful  that  the  men  uv  sense 
uv  the  North  hed  the  manhood  to  preAmnt  us  from  rooinin  our- 
selves by  makin  sich  ez  yoo  our  niggers.  Avaunt ! ” 

And  the  excited  Mr.  Maginiiis,  Avho  is  evidently  subjoogated, 
strode  out  uv  our  presence.  His  intemperit  talk  cast  a chill 
OAmr  our  confidencis,  and  Ave  didn’t  resoom  Avith  the  ease  and 
freedom  Ave  commenced  with,  and  in  a feAv  minutes  A\m  parted. 
I didn’t  like  him. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


LXXXIX. 

A REMARKABLE  DREAM.  — A COUNTRY  SETTLED 
EXCLUSIVELY  BY  DEMOCRATS. 

TVAsniNGTON,  December  1,  1865. 

Last  nite  I wuz  the  victim  uv  another  dream.  Ef  I don’t 
quit  this  explorin  the  realms  of  the  fucher  in  inA"  sleep,  I shall 
become  a second  Saint  John.  Ef  so,  I make  no  doubt  my 
rcAmlations  Avill  be  uv  a remarkably  startlin  character. 

^lethaAvt  the  Ablishnists  had  asserted  the  poAver  we  dis- 
kivered they  possest,  after  the  late  elecshuns,  and  had  gone  the 
AAdiole  Agger.  They  had  forced  the  South  into  the  humiliashen 


222 


THE  DEMOCRATIC  EXODUS. 


uv  allowin  niggers  to  testify,  and  in  the  Northern  states  had 
given  em  the  elective  franchise.  Uv  course  the  educated  and 
refined  Democrasy  wood  never  consent  to  be  carried  up  to  the 
polls  alongside  uv  a nigger  — uv  course  no  Democratic  offis- 
seeker  wood  hoomiliate  himself  to  treatin  a nigger  afore  a 
election,  it  bein  a article  uv  faith  with  us  never  to  drink  with 
a nigger,  onless  he  pays  for  it. 

Therefore,  bein  helpless,  and  resolvin  never  to  submit,  the 
heft  uv  the  Democrasy  determined  to  emigrate  in  a body  to 
some  land  where  the  Anglo-Sackson  cood  rool,  — where  there 
Avas  no  mixter  of  the  disgustin  African.  Mexico  wuz  the 
country  chosen,  and  methaAvt  the  entire  party,  in  one  solid 
column,  marched  there.  Our  departure  was  a ovation.  The 
people  on  our  route  avuz  all  dressed  in  white,  ez  a token  uv 
joy,  and  from  every  house  hung  banners,  Avith  inscriptions  onto 
em,  sich  ez,  — 

Noav  is  our  hen-roosts  safe  ! 

Canada  on  its  Avay  to  Mexico  ! 

Poor  Mexico  — Ave  be  Avail  thy  fate  ! ’’ 

Our  march  resembled  A^ery  much  that  uv  the  childern  uv 
Isrel.  Our  noses  avuz  the  pillers  uv  fire  by  nite,  and  our  breath 
the  piller  uv  smoke  by  day. 

On  our  arrival  to  Mexico,  the  natives  uv  that  country,  struck 
probably  Avith  aAve  at  the  majestic  and  flamin  expression  uv  our 
countenances,  hastily  gathered  up  their  linen,  and  silver  spoons, 
and  bosses,  and  sich,  and  retreated  to  the  mountains.  It  avuz 
a compliment  to  us  that  them  ez  hadn’t  enny thing  remained. 

Finally  Ave  reached  a plain,  Avhere  Ave  decided  to  remain,  and, 
uv  course,  the  fust  thing  to  do  avuz  to  form  a guverment. 

MethaAvt  Fernandy  Wood,  uv  Noo  York,  avuz  chosen  viva 
voce,  ez  President,  and  he  stept  forerd  to  hev  the  oath  adminis- 
tered to  liim,  Avich  avuz  to  be  dun  by  the  oldest  Justis  uv  the 
Peece  uv  the  late  state  uv  Noo  Jersey,  Avhich  hez  committed 
sooicide.  Here  a neAv  trouble  ensood  — there  Avuzn’t  a Bible 
to  be  found  in  the  Avhole  encampment.  The  difficulty  avuz  got 
over  by  a New  York  Alderman  yellin  out,  Never  mind  the 
oath.  What’s  the  yoose  uv  any  oath  he  takes  ? ” So  he  avuz 
declared  President. 

Prest.  Wood  then  proceeded  to  organize  the  military.  He 


NUMBERING  THE  HOST. 


223 


requested  sicli  ez  lied  held  commissions  in  the  army  uv  the 
United  States  to  step  forerd  three  paces.  Gens.  Micklelarq 
Buel,  Fitsjohn  Porter,  and  Slocum  stept  forerd,  and  with  em 
some  4000,  a part  uv  whom  hed  held  quartermasters^  commis- 
sions, and  whose  accounts,  ‘‘just  afore  the  battle,  mother,’^ 
didn’t  balance,  but  wich  alluz  did  jist  after,  and  others  who 
hed  bin  dismist  for  bein  in  the  rear,  when  their  sooperiors  de- 
sired to  see  em  in  the  front,  and  who  consekently  considered 
it  a d — d Ablishun  war,  wich  they  didn’t  approve  uv  no  how. 

Then  hevin  ascertained  the  material  for  officerin  his  army, 
he  axed  all  them  who  hed  bin  in  the  service  as  privates  to  step 
forerd.  20,000  obeyed,  and  the  President  asked  the  fust  one 
where  he  enlisted,  who  ansered  ez  follows  : — 

“ At  Noo  York,  April  12,  1864,  bounty  $1000  ; and  at  Phila- 
delphia, April  14,  1864,  bounty  $700  ; and  at  Pittsburg,  April 
16,  1864,  bounty  $800  ; and  at  Cincinnati,  April  19,  1864, 
bounty  $400  ; and  at  — ” 

“ Enough,”  said  Fernandy,  and  glancin  down  the  line,  and 
seein  all  the  faces  were  uv  the  same  style  and  expression,  he 
asked  no  more  uv  em  any  questions. 

Remarkin  that  it  wuz  well  enough  to  establish  a church,  he 
desired  all  who  were  ministers  uv  the  Gospel  to  step  forerd. 
Twenty-one  stept  out  and  desired  to  explain.  They  cood 
not  say  that  they  were  just  now  in  full  connection  with  any 
church.  They  hed  bin,  but  their  unconstooshnel  Ablishin  Sy- 
nods and  conferences  hed  accoosed  em  uv  irregularities  in  boss 
tradin,  and  various  other  irregularities,  and  suspended  em,  and 
silenced  em  and  sich,  becoz  they  were  Democrats,  but  — 

The  President  shrugged  his  sholders,  and  asked  all  who  cood 
read  to  step  out.  About  one  half  ansered,  and  then  he  re- 
questid  sich  uv  this  number  ez  cood  be  prevailed  upon  to 
accept  a small  office,  and  who  bleeved  theirselves  fit,  to  step 
out  agin,  and  to  my  unutterable  horror  and  consternation,  every 
one  but  five  stepped  out  ez  brisk  ez  so  many  bees.  Immejitly 
there  wuz  an  uproar.  Them  ez  coodent  read  swore  vociferously 
that  there  wuz  nothin  fair  about  that  arrangement.  They 
never  knowd  that  a man  wuz  obliged  to  be  able  to  read  to  hold 
office  in  the  Democratic  party,  and  they’d  never  stand  that, 
and  they  all  stepped  out. 


224 


MURMURINGS  AND  DISCONTENT. 


Finally  it  wuz  decided  that  a election  should  be  held  at  some 
fucher  time. 

The  next  step  wuz  to  divide  em  up  into  employments.  The 
President  requested  them  ez  preferred  to  foller  mechanikle 
employments  to  step  out : Sum  thirty  advanced.  Them  ez 

preferred  farmin  : About  fifty  stept  out.  Them  ez  expected 

to-  run  small  groceries  : 

There  wuz  a sound  like  the  rush  uv  many  waters.  Ninety-' 
eight  per  cent,  uv  all  — ceptin  the  officers  and  preachers  — 
sprung  to  the  front,  but  when  they  saw  ther  strength,  their 
faces  turned  white.  Good  Lord  ! ’’  whispered  they ; we 
can’t  make  a livin  out  uv  the  remainin  two  per  cent.’  and  the 
officers  and  preachers  ! ” 

The  mass  then  demanded  a division  uv  the  property,  that  all 
mite  start  alike,  but  upon  takin  a inventory,  it  wuz  found  not 
wutli  while  to  bother  about  a division. 

Then  they  commenced  murmurin,  and  sed  wun  to  another, 
0,  for  the  flesh  pots  uv  the  Egypt  we  left ! ” I cood,  at 
hum,  live  off  my  Ablishn  nabers.”  There  wuz  rich  men  in 
our  ward,  but  ez  we  bed  the  majority,  they  paid  taxes,  which 
loe  spent  ! ” Ablishnists  is  pizen,  but  it  is  well  enough  to 
hev  enough  uv  em  to  tax  ! ” and  ez  wun  man,  they  resolved  to 
return,  and  the  confusion  that  resulted  from  the  breakin  up 
awoke  me. 

There  is  onquestionably  a moral  in  the  vision.  Ez  often  ez 
I hev  sighed  for  perpetual  Democratic  majorities,  I hev  sum- 
times,  wlien  our  party  wuz  successful,  and  bid  fair  to  be  so 
permanently,  wondered  what  we  would  do  with  the  Treasury 
ef  we  didn’t  lose  the  offices  occasionally,  so  ez  to  hev  the  other 
party  nurse  it  into  pickin  condition  for  us. 

I don’t  think  I shood  like  to  live  in  a unanimous  Dimocratic 
community. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


AT  ANCHOR. 


225 


XC. 

A CHANGE  OF  BASE  — KENTUCKY.  — A SEBMON 
WHICH  WAS  INTERRUPTED  BY  A SUBJUGATED 
AND  SUBDUED  CONFEDERATE. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

December  9,  1865.  5 

Here  in  the  great  State  uv  Kentucky,  the  last  hope  uv 
Democrisy,  I hev  pitched  my  tent,  and  here  I propose  to  lay 
these  old  bones  when  Deth,  who  hez  a mortgage  onto  all  uv  us, 
shall  see  fit  to  foreclose.  1 didn’t  like  to  leave  Washinton.  I 
love  it  for.  its  memories.  There  stands  the  Capitol  where  the 
President  makes  his  appintments  ; there  is  the  Post  Offis  De- 
partment, where  all  the  Postmasters  is  appinted.  There  it  wuz 
that  Jaxon  reeled.  I hed  a respect  for  Jaxon.  I can’t  say  I 
loved  him,  for  he  never  used  us  rite.  He  hated  the  Whigs  ez 
bad  ez  we  did,  but  after  we  beat  em  and  elevated  him  to  the 
Presidency,  the  stealins  didn’t  come  in  ez  fast  ez  we  expected. 
Never  shel  I forgit  the  compliment  he  paid  me.  Jest  after  his 
election  I presented  myself  afore  him  with  my  papers,  an  ap- 
plicant for  a place.  He  read  em,  and  scanned  me  with  a 
critic’s  eye. 

Can’t  yoo  make  yoose  uv  sich  a man  ez  me  ? ” sez  I,  in- 
quirinly. 

Certinly,”  sez  he  ; I kin  and  alluz  hev.  It’s  sich  ez  yoo 
I use  to  beat  the  Whigs  with,  and  I am  continually  astonished 
to  see  how  much  work  I accomplish  with  sich  dirty  tools,  ^fy 
dear  sir,”  sed  he,  pintin  to  the  door,  when  I realize  how  many 
sich  cusses  ez  yoo  there  is,  and  how  cheap  they  kin  be  bought 
up,  I really  tremble  for  the  Republic.” 

I didn’t  get  the  office  I wanted. 

Yet  ez  much  ez  I love  Washinton,  I wuz  forced  to  leave  it. 
I mite  hev  stayed  there,  but  the  trooth  is,  the  planks  uv  that 
city  and  the  pavements  are  harder,  and  worse  to  sleep  on,  than 
those  uv  any  other  city  in  the  United  Staits.  I hed  lived  two 
months  by  passin  myself  off  ez  Dimekratic  Congressmen,  but 
that  cood  onlv  last  a short  time,  there  not  bein  many  uv  that 
^15 


226. 


A STUPID  BLUNDER. 


persuasion  here  to  personate.  I hed  gone  the  rounds  uv  the 
House  ez  often  ez  it  wuz  safe,  and  one  nite  commenced  on  the 
Senate.  Goin  into  Willard’s,  I called  for  a go  uv  gin,  wich  the 
gentlemanly  and  urbane  bar  keeper  sot  afore  me,  and  I drank. 

Put  it  down  with  the  rest  uv  mine,”  sez  I,  with  a impressive 
wave  uv  the  hand. 

Yoor  name  ? ” sez  he. 

Assoomin  a intellectual  look,  I retorted,  Do  you  know 
Charles  Sumner  ? ” 

Here  I overdid  it ; here  vaultin  ambition  o’erleaped  herself. 
Hed  I sed  Saulsbury,”  it  mite  hev  ansered,  but  to  give  Sum- 
ner’s name  for  a drink  uv  gin  wuz  a peece  uv  lunacy  for  wich 
I can’t  account.  I wuz  ignominiously  kicked  into  the  street. 
Drinks  obtained'^at  the  expense  uv  bein  kicked  is  cheap,  but  I 
don’t  want  em  on  them  terms  ; my  pride  revolted,  and  so  I 
emigrated. 

I louiid  here  a church  buildin,  uv  which  the  congregation 
had  bin  mostly  killed  in  bushwhackin  expeditions,  and  an- 
nouncin  myself  az  a constooshnel  preacher  from  Noo  Jersey, 
succeeded  in  drawin  together  a highly  respectable  awjence  last 
Sunday. 

Takin  for  a text  the  passage,  The  wages  uv  sin  is  death,” 
I opened  out  ez  follows  : — 

Wat  is  sin  ? Sin,  my  beloved  hearers,  is  any  deviashen 
from  yer  normal  condishn.  Yoor  beloved  pastor  hez  a'stumick 
and  a head,  wich  is  in  close  sympathy  with  each  other,  so  much 
so,  indeed,  that  the  principal  biznis  uv  the  head  is  to  fill  the 
stumick,  and  mighty  close  work  it’s  been  for  many  years,  yoo 
bet.  Let  yoor  beloved  pastor  drink,  uv  a nite,  a quart  or  two 
more  than  his  usual  allowance,  more  than  his  stumick  absolootly 
demands,  and  his  head  swells  with  indignashen.  The  excess  is 
sin,  and  the  ache  is  the  penalty. 

The  wages  uv  sin  is  death  ! Punishment  and  sin  is  ez 
unseperable  ez  the  shadder  is  from  the  man  — one  is  ez  shoor 
to  foller  the  other  ez  the  assessor  is  to  come  around  — ez  nite 
is  to  foller  day.  The  Dimekratic  party,  uv  wich  I am  a orna- 
ment, hez  experienced  the  trooth  uv  this  text.  When  Douglas 
switched  off,  he  sinned,  and  ez  a consekence,  Linkin  wuz  electid, 
and  the  sceptre  departed  from  Israel.  When — ” 


Do  YOU  KNOW  Charles  Sumner?  Page  226. 


ANOTHER  SERMONIZER. 


227 


At  this  pint  in  the  discourse,  a old  man  in  the  back  part  uv 
the  house  ariz  and  interrupted  me.  He  sed  he  hed  a word  to 
say  on  that  subjick  which  must  be  sed,  and  ef  I interrupted 
him  till  he  got  through  he’d  punch  my  hed  ; whereupon  1 let 
him  go  on. 

Trooly,”  sez  he,  the  wages  uv  sin  is  death.  I hev  alluz 
bin  a Dimecrat.  The  old  Dirnocracy  hez  bin  in  the  service  uv 
sin  for  thirty  years,  and  the  assortment  uv  death  it  hez  received 
for  wages  is  trooly  surprisin.  Never  did  a party  commence 
better.  Jaxson  wuz  a honist  man,  who  knew  that  righteousnis 
wuz  the  nashen’s  best  holt.  But  he  died,  and  a host  uv  tup- 
penny politicians,  with  his  great  name  for  capital,  jumped  into  his 
old  clothes,  and  undertook  to  run  the  party.  Ef  the  Dirnocracy 
cood  hev  elected  a honest  man  every  fourth  or  fifth  term,  they 
mite  hev  ground  along  for  a longer  period,  but  alass  ! Jaxson 
wuz  the  last  uv  that  style  we  hed,  and  so  many  dishonist  cusses 
wuz  then  in  the  Capital  that  his  ghost  coodent  watch  the  half 
uv  them. 

The  fust  installment  uv  death  we  reseeved  wuz  when  Har- 
rison beat  us.  The  old  pollitishens  in  our  party  didn’t  mind  it, 
for,  sez  they,  ‘The  Treasury  woodent  hev  bin  wutli  much  to 
us  anyhow  after  the  suckin  it  has  experienced  for  twelve 
years  ; it  needs  four  years  uv  rest.’  We  elected  Polk,  and 
here  it  wuz  that  Sin  got  a complete  hold  uv  us.  Anshent  com- 
pacts made  with  the  devil  wuz  alluz  ritten  in  blood.  We  made 
a contract  with  Calhoonism,  and  that  avuz  ritten  in  blood  wich 
wuz  shed  in  Mexico.  Here  Ave  sold  ourselves  out,  boots  and 
britches,  to  the  cotton  Democricy,  and  don’t  our  history  ever 
since  prove  the  trooth  uv  the  text,  ‘ The  Avages  uv  sin  is  death  ’ ? 
0,  my  friends  ! in  AA^at  heavy  instalments,  and  hoAv  regularly, 
hev  these  Avages  bin  paid  us. 

“ Our  men  uv  character  commenst  leavin  us.  Silas  Write 
kicked  out,  and  AAmod  hev  gone  over  agin  us  hed  he  not  fortun- 
ately died  too  soon,  and  shores  uv  others  followed  soot.  Things 
Avent  on  until  Pierce  avuz  elected.  The  Devil  (Avich  is  cotton), 
Avhom  Ave  AAmz  servin,  brot  Kansas  into  the  ring,  and  Avat  a 
scatterin  ensood. 

“ Agin,  the  men  uv  character  got  out,  and  gradually  but 
shoorly  the  work  uv  death  went  on.  Bookannon  wuz  elected, 


228 


A DISAGREEABLE  CONCLUSION. 


but  wuz  uv  no  yoose  to  us.  After  Peerse  bed  run  the  machine 
four  yeers,  wat  wuz  there  left  ? Eko  ansers.  Anuther  siftin 
follered,  and  the  old  party  wich  wunst  boasted  a Jaxson  bed 
got  down  to  a Vallandigum.  The  Devil,  to  wdch  we  bed  sold 
ourselves,  wood  not  let  us  off  with  this,  however.  ^ The  wages 
uv  sin  is  death,’  and  we  bed  not  reseeved  full  pay  ez  yet.  He 
instigated  South  Karliny  to  rebel ; he  indoosed  the  other  Demo- 
cratic States  to  foiler ; he  forced  the  Northern  Democrisy  to 
support  em,  and  so  on.  That  wuz  the  final  stroke.  Dickinson^ 
and  Cass,  and  Dix,  and  Todd,  and  Logan,  all  left  us,  and  wun 
by  wun  the  galaxy  uv  Northern  stars  disappeared  from  the 
Democratic  firmament,  leaving  Noo  Jersey  alone,  and  last  fall, 
my  brethren,  she  sot  in  gloom. 

0,  how  true  it  is  ! We  served  sin  faithfully,  and  where 
are  we?  We  went'to  war  for  slavery,  and  slavery  is  dead. 
We  fit  for  a confederacy,  and  the  confederacy  is  dead.  We  fit 
for  States  Kites,  and  States  Kites  is  dead.  And  Democracy 
tied  herself  to  all  these  corpses,  and  they  hev  stunk  her  to 
death. 

Kentucky  went  heavy  into  the  sin  biznis,  and  whar  is  Ken- 
tucky? We  sent  our  men  to  the  confedrit  army,  and  none  uv 
em  cum  back,  ceptin  the  skulkers,  who  comprised  all  uv  that 
class  wich  we  wood  hev  bin  glad  to  hev  killed.  Linkin  wantid 
to  hev  us  free  our  niggers,  and  be  compensatid  for  em.  We 
held  on  to  the  sin  uv  niggers,  and  now  they  are  taken  from  us 
with  nary  a compensate.  In  short,  whatever  uv  good  the  Devil 
promised  us  in  pollitics  hez  resulted  in  evil.  My  niggers  is 
gone,  my  plantashen  here  hez  fed  alternately  both  armies,  ez 
they  cavorted  backerds  and  forrerds  through  the  Stait ; my 
house  and  barns  wuz  burnt,  and  all  I hev  to  show  for  my  prop- 
erty is  Confedrit  money,  which  is  a very  dead  article  uv  death. 
I know  not  what  the  venerable  old  sucker  in  the  pulpit  wuz  a 
goin  to  say,  but  ef  he  kin  look  over  this  section  uv  the  heritage, 
and  cant  preach  a elokent  sermon  on  that  text,  he  aint  much  on 
the  preach.  I’m  done.” 

Uv  coarse,  after  a ebulition  of  this  kind,  I coodn’t  go  on.  I 
dismist  the  awdience  with  a benedickshun,  hopin  to  get  em 
together  when  sich  prejudiced  men  aint  present. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


THE  DARK  DEED. 


229 


XCI. 

THE  EFFECT  THE  PROCLAMATION  OF  SECRETARY 
SEWARD  PRODUCED  IN  KENTUCKY. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

December  20,  1865.  \ 

At  last ! The  deed  is  done  ! The  tyranikle  government 
which  hez  sway  at  Washington  hez  finally  extinguished  the 
last  glimerin  flicker  uv  Liberty,  by  abolishin  slavery  ! The 
sun  didn’t  go  down  in  gloom  that  nite  — the  stars  didn’t  fade 
into  a sickly  yeller,  at  wich  obstinacy  uv  nachur  I wuz  consid- 
ably  astonished. 

I got  the  new^s  at  the  Post  Offls,  near  wich  I am  at  present 
stayin,  at  the  house  uv  a venerable  old  planter,  who  accepts 
my  improvin  conversation  and  a occasional  promise,  wich  is 
cheap,  ez  equivalent  for  board.  Sadly  I wendid  my  way  to 
his  peaceful  home,  dreadin  to  fling  over  that  house  the  pall  uv 
despair.  After  supper  I broke  to  em  ez  gently  ez  I cood  the 
intelligence  that  three  fourths  uv  the  States  hed  ratified  the 
constooshnel  amendment  — that  Seward  had  ishued  his  procla- 
mation, and  that  all  the  Niggers  wuz  free  ! 

Never  did  I see  sich  sorrer  depicted  on  human  countenance 
— never  wuz  there  despair  uv  sich  depth.  All  nite  long  the 
bereaved  inmates  uv  tliat  wunst  happy  but  now  distracted 
home  wept  and  waled  in  agony  wich  wuz  perfectly  heart 
rendin. 

Wo  is  me,”  sobbed  the  old  man,  wiingin  his  hands. 

John  Brown’s  karkis  hangs  a danglin  in  the  air,  but  his  sole 
is  marcliin  on. 

“ It  took  posseshun  uv  Seward,  and  through  his  ugly  mouth 
it  spoke  the  words  ^ the  nigger  is  free,’  and  there  is  no  more  a 
slave  in  all  the  land. 

Wunst  I hed  a hundred  niggers,  and  the  men  were  fat  and 


Up  to  the  issuing  of  the  Proclamation  of  Secretary  Seward  the  majority  of 
the  planters  of  the  South  expected  to  be  allowed  to  hold  their  slaves.  They 
could  not  be  made  to  believe  that  this  outrage  ” would  be  inflicted  upon 
them. 


230 


THE  WAIL  OF  THE  PATRIARCH. 


healthy,  and  the  wenches  wuz  strong,  and  sum  uv  em  wuz  fair 
to  look  upon. 

They  worked  in  my  house,  and  my  fields,  from  the  risin  uv 
the  sun  to  the  goin  down  uv  the  same. 

Wuz  they  lazy  ? I catted  them  till  they  wuz  cured 
thereof ; for  lo ! they  wuz  ez  a child  under  my  care. 

“ Did  they  run  away  ? From  Kentucky  they  run  North,  and 
lo  ! the  Locofoco  Marshals  caught  them  for  me,  and  brought 
them  back,  and  delivered  them  into  my  hand,  without  cost, 
sayin,  lo  ! here  is  thy  nigger  — do  with  him  ez  thou  wilt  (wich 
I alluz  did),  wich  wuz  cheeper  than  keepin  dogs,  and  jest  ez 
good. 

Solomon  wuz  wise,  for  he  hed  uv  concubines  a suffishensy, 
but  we  wuz  wiser  in  our  day  than  him. 

For  he  hed  to  feed  his  children,  and  it  kost  him  shekels  uv 
gold  and  shekels  uv  silver,  and  much  corn  and  oil. 

‘‘We  hed  our  concubines  with  ez  great  a muchness  ez  Solo- 
mon, but  we  sold  their  children  for  silver,  and  gold,  and  red-dog 
paper.’’ 

And  all  nite  long  the  bereaved  old  patriarch,  who  hed  alluz 
bin  a father  to  his  servants  (and  a grandfather  to  many  uv  em) 
poured  out  his  lamentations. 

In  the  mornin  the  niggers  wuz  called  up,  and  ez  they  all  hed 
their  coats  on,  and  hed  bundles,  I spect  they  must  hev  heard 
the  news.  The  old  gentleman  explained  the  situation  to  em. 

“ Yoo  will,”  sed  he,  “stay  in  yoor  happy  homes  — yoo  will 
alluz  continue  to  live  here,  and  work  here,  ez  yoo  hev  alluz 
dun?” 

The  niggers,  all  in  korous,  with  a remarkable  unanimity, 
remarkt  that  ef  they  hed  ever  bin  introdoost  to  theirselves, 
they  thought  they  woodent.  In  fact,  they  hed  congregated  at 
that  time  for  the  purpose  uv  startin  life  on  their  own  hook. 

A paroxysm  uv  pain  and  anguish  shot  over  the  old  man’s 
face.  Nearest  to  him  stood  a octoroon,  who,  hed  she  not  bin 
tainted  with  the  accurst  blood  uv  Ham,  wood  hev  bin  consid- 
ered beautiful.  Fallin  on  her  neck,  the  old  patriarch,  with 
teers  a streamin  down  his  furrowd  cheeks,  ejackilated,  — 

“ Farewell,  Looizer,  my  daughter,  farewell  ! I loved  yoor 
mother  ez  never  man  loved  nigger.  She  wuz  the  solace  uv  my 


A FAINTING  SCENE. 


231 


leisure  hours  — the  companion  uv  my  yooth.  She  I sold  to 
pay  off  a mortgage  on  the  place  — she  and  yoor  older  sisters. 
Farewell ! I hed  hoped  to  hev  sold  yoo  this  winter  (for  yoo 
are  still  young),  and  bought  out  Jinkins  ; but  wo  is  me  ! 
Curses  on  the  tyrent  who  thus  severs  all  the  tender  ties  uv 
nachur.  0 ! it  is  hard  for  father  to  part  with  child,  even  when 
the  market’s  high  ; but,  0 God  ! to  part  thus  — ” 

And  the  old  gentleman,  in  a excess  uv  greef,  swoonded  away 
genteelly. 

His  son  Tom  hed  bin  caressin  her  two  little  children,  who 
wuz  half  whiter  than  she  wuz.  Unable  to  restrain  hisself,  he 
fell  on  her  neck,  and  bemoaned  his  fate  with  tetchin  pathos. 

Farewell,  farewell,  mother  uv  my  children  ! Farewell, 
faro,  and  bosses,  and  champane  — a long  farewell  ! Your 
increase  wuz  my  perquisites,  and  I sold  em  to  supply  my 
needs.  Hed  yoo  died,  I cood  hev  bin  resigned ; for  when 
dead  you  ain’t  wuth  a copper ; but  to  see  3^00  torn  away 
livin,  and  Avuth  $2000  in  any  market  — it’s  too  much,  it’s 
too  much  ! ” 

And  he  fainted,  fallin  across  the  old  man. 

Who’ll  do  the  Avork  about  the  house  ? ” shreekt  the  old 
lady,  faintin  and  fallin  across  Tom. 

“ Who’ll  dress  us,  and  Avash  us,  and  wait  on  us  ? ” shreekt 
the  three  daughters,  SAvoonin  aAvay,  and  fallin  across  the  old 
woman. 

My  first  impulse  avuz  to  faint  aAvay  myself,  and  fall  across  the 
three  daughters ; but  I restrained  myBelf,  and  avuz  contented 
with  strikin  a attitood  and  organizin  a table.  Hustlin  the  nig- 
gers aAvay  Avith  a burnin  cuss  for  their  ingratitood,  I spent  the 
balance  uv  the  forenoon  in  bringin  on  em  too.  Wim  by  Avun 
they  became  conshus  ; but  they  avuz  not  theirselves.  Their 
minds  avuz  evidently  shattered ; they  avuz  carryin  a heavy 
heart  in  their  buzzums. 

Wood,  0 ! Avood  that  SeAvard  cood  hev  seen  that  groop  ! 
Sich  misery  does  Ablishnism  bring  in  its  train — sich  horrers 
toilers  a departure  from  Dimikratik  teechins.  When  will 
reason  return  to  the  people  ? Eko  ansAvers,  When  ? 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dis^ensaslmn, 


232 


A HOPEFUL  KENTUCKIAN. 


XCII. 

A CONVERSATION  WITH  A LOYAL  KENTUCKIAN, 
WHO  HAD  FAITH  IN  THE  FINAL  TRIUMPH  OF 
DEMOCRACY. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

January  6,  1866.  ) 

I SEE  a ]ite.  Dimocrisy  is  not  tliat  dead  carkis  its  enemies 
hoped  for  and  its  friends  feared.  My  noomerous  friends  here 
insisted  that  ez  I wuz  growin  into  the  seer  and  yaller  leaf,  I 
shood  abandon  Dimocrisy,  and  flote  with  the  current.  I can’t. 
Ez  troo  ez  the  needle  to  the  pole,  so  am  I to  Dimocrisy. 
Young  wimmin  flock  to  marryins,  middle-aged  ones  to  bornins, 
old  ones  to  buryins,  which  shows  concloosively  to  the  most 
limited  intelleck  wat  the  mind  uv  each  class  runs  upon.  So  it 
is  with  me.  To  me  Dimocrisy  is  wife,  mother,  and  child. 

I hev  diskivered  many  things  sence  I hev  bin  in  Kentucky 
— things  wich  elevated  my  deprest  heart  ez  yeast  does  dough, 
wich  filled  my  shrunken  soul  ez  wind  does  a bladder. 

The  people  uv  Kentucky  wuz  all  loyal.  Doorin  the  horrible 
fratrisidle  war  wich  hez  rent  the  proud  temple  uv  liberty  into 
twain,  they  preserved  a strict  nootrality.  I lied  a conversation 
with  wun  old  patriarch,  who  asshoored  me  that  he  lied  never 
taken  sides.  Upon  his  honor,  he  asshoored  me  that,  after  bat- 
tles, he  rifled  the  corpses  uv  both  armies,  impartially.  Cood 
any  body  be  more  nootraller  than  that  ? ” he  asked.  “ My 
sons,”  sed  he,  wuz  in  the  Confedrit  army.  This  fact  wood 
hev  turned  the  affections  uv  a week-minded  man  in  that  direc- 
tion ; but  when  I tliot  uv  the  boys,  1 alluz  thot  also  uv  that 
glorious  star-spangled  banner,  under  wich  1 bed  whipped  my 
niggers  and  sold  their  children  ; under  whose  shadder  I hed 
men  servants,  and  made  servants,  and  home-made  servants  born 


The  Southern  politicians  fancied  that  the  ownership  of  the  land  would  give 
them  absolute  power  over  the  negroes,  forgetting  that  the  labor  of  their  late 
slaves  was  just  as  valuable  as  the  land ; that  without  that  labor  the  land  was 
valueless.  It  was  some  years  before  they  discovered  that  the  negro  could  think, 
and  act  from  his  knowledge  as  white  men  did. 


HIS  CURE. 


233 


unto  me.  That  banner  bed  bin  my  shield.  Ef  my  niggers  run 
off,  who  so  prompt  in  their  pursoot  ez  the  Democratic  marshals, 
wich  alluz  returned  em  to  me  ef  it  wuz  possible  ? The  instoo- 
shun  wuz  guaranteed  to  me  by  solemn  compermises,  wich  we 
coed  hev  ez  often  ez  we  desired.  Compermises  wuz  our  best 
holt.  Whenever  we  wanted  anything,  all  we  hed  to  do  wuz  to 
ask  for  it.  The  Ablishnists  wood  object,  the  Dimocrisy  wood 
draw  up  a compermise,  wich  incluoded,  ez  a rool,  twice  or  three 
times  wat  we  asked,  and  pass  it  to  save  the  Union.  Sich  a 
Union  wuz  worth  havin,  and  I opposed  all  efforts  to  dissolute 
it.  Hed  the  South  succeeded,  I shood  hev  gone  with  em ; for 
Kentucky  alone  — the  only  nigger  State  in  the  North  — wood 
hev  bin  helpless.  Scaldin  tears  hev  I shed  when  contemplatin 
the  horrors  uv  war  ; but  I cood  do  nothin  to  avert  it.  Ken- 
tucky wuz  loyal,  but  nootral.” 

I find  down  here  that  the  loyal  citizens  uv  Kentucky  who 
hev  returned  from  the  Confedrit  service  are  not  at  all  discour- 
aged ; on  the  contrary,  they  are  hopeful.  Sed  one  to  me  (I 
bleeve  he  wuz  a Kernel  under  General  Forest ; indeed,  I think 
he  told  me  he  participated  in  the  glorious  victory  at  Fort 
Pilfer), — 

Why  art  thou  cast  down?  Things  is  workin  eggsactly  to 
our  hand.’’ 

In  a mournful  tone,  I retorted  that  I failed  to  perseeve  it. 

I kin,”  sez  he.  Lookye,  my  venerable  friend.  Is  North- 
ern Dimocrisy  still  troo  ? ” 

They  is,”  I replied,  wat  few  remains.  But,  alas  ! war, 
crooel  war,  hez  decimated  our  ranks  five  times.” 

‘‘How  so?”  sez  he.  “None  uv  your  kind  uv  Democrats 
joined  in  this  unholy  croosade,  and  fell  afore  our  deth-deelin 
swords  — did  they  ? ” 

“ Not  any,”  sez  I ; “ but  Canady  and  Montana  took  em  afore 
each  draft.  That  wuz  why  we  avuz  so  beat  at  the  eleckshuns. 
For  one  week-kneed  Ablishnist  we  scared  into  our  ranks,  we 
lust  two  by  emigration  ; and,  unfortunitly,  Avun  half  that  emi- 
grated starved  to  death,  and  tother  half  is  distributed  in  the 
various  state’s  prisons  in  them  lands  uv  refuge.” 

“ Still,”  sez  he,  “ it  matters  not.  Yoo  hev  deestricks  yoo  kin 
carry  in  most  uv  the  States.  The  Five  Points  deestrick,  in 


234 


PLEASANT  ANTICIPATIONS. 


Noo  York,  is  ours.  Noo  Jersey  will  go  back  to  her  allegiance. 
The  new  gold  States,  where  so  menny  uv  our  friends  fled,  will 
send  up  Democrats  to  Congress.  Ohio  hez  two  devoted  to  us, 
Pennsylvany  hez  several,  and  the  most  uv  the  Northern  States 
will  send  one  or  two  ; and  them  from  the  North  kin  be  de- 
pended on  to  go  any  measure,  we  say.  Then’’  — and  he 
slapped  me  on  the  back  hilariously  — “the  niggers  is  free  ! ” 

“ Well,”  sez  1,  not  seein  wat  cause  for  hilarity  that  wuz. 

“Well,”  sez  he,  “ them  niggers  is  not  now  other  persons! 
We  alluz  counted  five  uv  em  for  three  in  makin  up  the  Con- 
gressmen we  wuz  entitled  to  ; now  they  count  as  white  men, 
wich  increases  our  delegashuns  to  sich  an  extent  that  ef  yoo 
Northern  men  do  half  yoor  dooty,  we’ll  hev  a majority  in  Con- 
gress. Then,  good  Lord  I the  pleasant  crack  uv  the  whip  shel 
agin  be  heard  on  the  plains  uv  the  sunny  South.  The  niggers 
wont  be  re-enslaved ; ' but  our  Legislators  will  speedily  redoose 
em  to  their  normal  condishun.  We  shel  observe  the  Constitu- 
shnel  Amendment  strickly  and  in  good  faith.  The  Afrikin  shel 
be  free ; but  the  good  uv  society  demands  that  he  shel  be 
under  proper  guardianship.  He  won’t  be  allowed  to  change 
his  location ; and  the  laws  uv  the  States  will  define  his  dooties, 
and  give  us  the  power  uv  enforcin  em.  He  won’t  be  allowed 
to  hev  arms,  so  he  can’t  resist.  Ez  he  can’t  leave  a plantation, 
he  will  hev  to  submit  quietly  to  sich  rods  ez  the  high-minded 
planter  makes  for  him,  or  be  shot  on  the  spot,  or  turned  out  to 
die  uv  starvaslmn,  akording  to  circumstances.  Ef  the  planter 
is  a unregenerated  child  uv  damnashun,  he  will  shoot  him ; ef 
he  is  a saint,  who  hez  a Southern  hope  uv  a blessed  immortality 
beyond  the  grave,  he’ll  restrain  his  anger,  and  turn  him  out  to 
die  uv  hunger,  onless  he  repents,  and  comes  back  humble. 
Then,  they  beiii  free  and  responsible  for  theirselves,  we  ain’t 
obleeged  to  take  care  uv  the  sick,  the  aged,  or  the  infirm,  so  it 
will  be  really  better  than  it  wuz  before.  I see  a glorious  future 
afore  us.  Thro  the  thick  clouds  uv  gloom  the  brite  sun  uv 
hope  clieerinly  breaks.  Say  to  the  Northern  Dimocrisy,  be  uv 
good  cheer.  Agin  they  shel  lick  our  hands  ; agin  they  shel  eat 
the  crumbs  tliat  lall  from  the  National  table. 

“ Tliank  God  for  the  Northern  Dimocrisy,  with  the  other 
blessins  He  has  given  the  South.  With  niggers  to  do  our 


A SUGGESTION. 


235 


manual  labor  for  nothing,  with  Northern  Dimocrats  to  do  our 
votin  at  almost  the  same  price,  we  are  trooly  a favored  people. 
Bless  the  Lord  for  the  ifigger  and  the  Dimocrat,  wich  is  both 
useful  to  us,  each  in  his  speer  ! ’’ 

I drew  encouragement  from  his  remarks.  The  deep  vane 
uv  pious  thankfulness  wich  run  through  his  discourse  was 
nateral  to  him.  He  is  a trooly  pious  man,  and  wuz  just  back 
from  the  meetin  uv  the  Synod  uv  one  uv  the  Southern  churches, 
wich  still  persists  in  quotin  Onesimus  and  Hayger.  I feel 
encouraged.  0,  Dimmycrats  uv  the  North,  let  us 

* “ Our  vigger  renoo, 

And  our  journey  persoo,” 

and  I feel  shoor  that  success  will  at  last  crown  our  efforts. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Pastor  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensasliun, 


XCIII. 

A PLAN  SUGGESTED  FOR  THE  UP-BUILDING  OF 
TLIE  DEMOCRACY. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

January  27,  1866.  > 

Halleloogy  ! halleloogy ! halleloogy  ! I see  a lite  ! It 
beams  onto  me  ! It  penetrates  me  ! It  fills  me  ! Joy  to  the 
world  ! 

I hev  diskivered  the  cause  uv  the  decline  uv  the  Dimocrisy. 
I seed  it  yesterday.  I wuz  a wanderin  on  the  neighborin  hills, 
a musin  onto  the  cussednis  uv  humanity  ez  exemplified  in  the 
person  uv  the  grocery  keeper  at  the  Corners,  who  unanimusly 
refoozed  to  give  me  further  credit  for  corn  whisky,  wich  is  the 
article  they  yoose  in  this  country  to  pizen  theirselves  with. 
He  asshoored  me  that  he  hed  the  utmost  regard  for  my  many 
virtues  ; but  he  diskivered  that  the  one  he  prized  the  most  I 


236 


THE  SOCIAL  SLIDING  SCALE. 


hedn^t  so  many  uv,  to  wit^  that  uv  payin  for  my  likker.  There- 
fore the  account  mite  be  considered  closed.  Then,  for  the  fust 
time  in  my  life,  I bleeved  in  total  depravity. 

While  musin,  in  a melonkoly  mood,  on  this  dark  cloud  wich 
fell  across  my  pathway,  and  the  fall  uv  the  Dimocratic  party,  1 
came  onto  a party  of  men  borin  for  oil.  Then  the  trooth  flashed 
over  me.  Their  operations  showed  me  the  way  to  success  — 
the  shoor  path  to  triumph. 

When,”  said  I to  myself,  when  men  seek  gain  they  bore 
for  it.  They  go  down  — never  up.”  Even  so  with  the  Dimoc- 
risy.  We  dug  downward,  downward,  downward,  through  all 
the  strata  uv  society.  We  went  through  the  groceries;  the 
next  stratum  was  the  most  ignorant  uv  the  furiners ; then  we 
struck  the  poor  whites  uv  the  South  ; then,  below  them,  the 
heft  uv  the  people  uv  Noo  Jersey;  then  Southern  Illinoy  and 
Indiana;  then  Pike  county,  Missouri ; and  so  on.  We  never 
went  upward  for  converts,  cause  ’twant  no  use.  When  a man 
wanted  to  jine  us  he  alluz  lied  to  come  down.  We  got  lots  of 
converts. 

There  was  a regular  slidin  scale,  which  the  heft  uv  Demo- 
crats who  wuznt  born  in  the  party  hev  slid  down  ; to  wit : — 
Quarter  dollar  smiles.  15  cent  nips.  10  cent  drinks.  5 cent 
sucks.  A flat  flask  conceded.  A bottle  openly.  Dimocrisy. 

We  lost  our  hold  for  two  reasons.  First,  the  poor  likker  we 
hev  now  kills  off  our  voters  too  fast ; and  the  tax  on  whisky 
forced  two  thirds  uv  our  people  to  quit  suckin,  and  ez  soon  ez 
they  begun  to  git  on  their  feet  they  jined  the  Ablishnists. 
Secondly,  our  leaders  spozed  there  wuz  no  lower  stratum  to 
dig  into,  and  give  up  in  disgust. 

But  I hev  diskivered  that  lower  stratum  — I hev  found  it; 
and  when  the  idea  flashed  over  my  Websterian  intelleck,  1 
shouted  Halleloogy ! The  nigger  is  the  lower  stratum ; and 
ef  we  bore  down  to  it,  and  work  it  thoroughly,  we  hev,  at  least, 
a twenty  years’  lease  uv  power. 

We  must  cultivate  the  nigger.  He  must  hev  the  suffrage  ! 
It  is  a burnin  shame,  that,  in  this  Nineteenth  Century,  in  the 
full  blaze  uv  intelligence,  livin  under  a Declarashun  which  de- 
clares all  men  free  and  ekal,”  that  a large  body  uv  men  shood 
be  denied  the  glorious  privilege  uv  bein  taken  up  to  the  poles 


THE  NEGRO  A MAN. 


237 


and  voted.  Is  not  the  Afrikin  a man  ? Is  he  not  taxed  ez  we 
are,  and  more  than  most  uv  the  Democrisy,  for  many  uv  em 
own  property  ? Is  he  not  amenable  to  all  the  laws,  even  ez 
we  is  ? Then  why,  I triumphantly  ask,  is  he  not  entitled  to  a 
vote  ? Ah  ! why,  indeed  ? 

But  this  is  Ablishnism ! ” methinks  I hear  a obtoose  Di- 
mocrisy  observe  in  horrer.  And  why  give  them  votes  who 
will  use  em  agin  us  ? ’’ 

My  gentle  friend,  icill  they  use  their  ballot  agin  us  ? Ef  I 
know  myself,  1 think  not.  Kin  they  read  ? Kin  they  write  ? 
Aint  the  bulk  uv  em  rather  degraded  and  low  than  otherwise  ? 
Aint  that  the  kind  uv  stock  we  want,  and  the  kind  wich  hez 
alluz  set  us  up  ? Keadin  hez  alluz  bin  agin  us.  Every  skool- 
master  is  a engine  uv  Ablishnism  ; every  noosepaper  is  a cuss. 
General  Wise,  uv  Virginia,  when  he  thanked  God  there  wiiznT 
a noosepaper  in  his  deestrick,  hed  reason  to ; for  do  yoo  spoze 
a readin  constitooency  wood  hev  ever  kept  sich  a blatherskite 
ez  him  in  Congress  year  after  year  ? 

Then,  agin,  the  Constooshnal  Amendment  will  pass,  givin 
representashen  to  voters  alone.  The  Democratic  States  will 
hev  more  members  uv  Congress  and  more  electoral  votes  than 
afore  the  war ; and  them  States  we  kin  depend  on. 

But  my  skeem  is  still  more  comprehensive.  Them  niggers 
ainT  needed  in  the  South.  We’ll  send  em  North.  A few  thou- 
sand will  overbalance  the  Ablislm  majority  in  Noo  Jersey  ; fifty 
thousand  will  bring  Ohio  back  to  the  fold  ; the  same  number 
will  do  for  New  York  and  Pennsylvany,  and  the  country  is 
saved  — we  will  be  able  to  elect  the  President.  Thus  the  pit 
the  Ablishnist  dug  for  us  he’ll  fall  into  hisself ; the  club  he  cut 
for  us  will  break  his  own  head. 

Honey  hez  kum  out  uv  the  carcass ; good  hez  perceded  from 
Nazareth.  The  nigger  smells  sweeter  to  me  now  than  Nite 
bloomin  Serious  ; he  is  more  precious  to  me  than  gold,  or  silver, 
or  preshus  stones.  He  is  the  way,  and  I shel  walk  in  it.  He 
shel  lift  me  into  a Post  Orfis.  We  must  give  our  Afrikin 
brother,  — for  is  he  not  a man  and  a brother  ? — not  only  the 
suffrage,  but  he  must  hev  land,  and  the  Democracy  must  give 
it  to  him.  I want  Garrit  Davis  to  instantly  interdoose  a bill 
into  the  Senate  givin  each  family  a quarter  section  uv  land,  a 


238 


THE  FOUNDATION  OF  THE  NEW  TEMPLE. 


pair  HV  mules,  and  a cook  stove ; and  each  female  Afrikin 
brother  two  harin  calico  dresses  and  a red  bonnet.  I want 
him  to  advocate  the  bill  in  a speech  uv  not  more  than  two 
hours,  so  that  it  will  stand  some  chance  uv  passin.  On  second 
thought,  1 guess  some  other  man  hed  better  interdoose  the 
bill,  as  the  Senate  hez  got  into  sich  a habit  uv  votin  down 
everything  he  proposes,  that  they’d  slather  this  without  con- 
siderin  it,  on  general  principles. 

♦ Then  we’ve  got  em.  Work  ez  hard  ez  they  may  at  it,  it’ll 
take  twenty  years  afore  the  Ablishinists  kin  educate  em  up  to 
the  standard  uv  votin  their  tikkit ; and  even  that  time  won’t 
do  it  if  we  kin  git  the  tax  taken  off  uv  whiskey,,  so  that  we  kin 
afford  to  use  it  ez  in  the  happy  days  uv  yore. 

Joyusly  I went  home  to  lay  tlie  foundashun  uv  the  new 
temple  uv  Dimocrisy.  I slept  that  nite  atween  two  niggers, 
and  hev  bin  shakin  hands  and  enqiiirin  after  the  health  uv  the 
families  uv  all  I hev  met.  It’s  rather  hard  for  an  orthodox 
Democrat.  Sich  sudden  shifts  is  rather  wrenchin  on  the  con- 
shence.  But  what  uv  that  ? The  Dimocrat  who  hez  follered 
the  party  closely  for  thirty  years  ought  not  to  balk  at  sich  a 
triflin  change  ez  this,  pertiklerly  when  it  promises  sich  glori- 
ous results. 

“ There’s  a lite  about  to  gleem, 

, There’s  a fount  about  to  streem, 

Wait  a little  longer  ! ” 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


THE  DIVIDING  LINE. 


239 


XCIV. 

ENJOYS  A VISION  OF  THE  NEXT  WORLD,  SEEING 
THEREIN  MANY  CURIOUS  THINGS,  WHICH  ARE 
PUBLISHED  AS  A WARNING  TO  POLITICIANS. 

CoNFEDKiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ) 

February  5,  1866.  ) 

Last  nite  I retired  to  my  virtoous  couch,  at  precisely  half 
past  eleven,  after  eatin  a rather  light  supper  for  that  time  uv 
night.  I alluz  make  it  a pint  to  eat  light  in  the  evenin,  for  Pm 
gittin  old,  and  my  digestive  faculties  ain’t  what  they  wuz  when 
I wuz  young.  Alas  ! we  who  hev  lived  out  the  best  part  uv 
our  days,  wat  wood  we  give  to  be  set  back  to  the  time  when, 
with  our  faculties  unimpaired,  we  cood  consoom  a good  square 
meal  without  fear  uv  consekenses  ! But 

“ Them  happy  days  is  fled, 

And  never  will  return.” 

I paid  my  respecks  to  two  mince  pies,  a pair  uv  pig’s  feet, 
some  cold  tongue,  and  a plate  uv  tripe,  follered  by  a lialf  dozen 
doughnuts,  and  a couple  or  more  uv  glasses  uv  hot  whisky 
punch ; and  singler  ez  it  may  seem,  it  didn’t  set  well.  I 
dreamed  all  night,  and  my  dreams  wuznt  at  all  pleasant.  Me- 
thawt  I hed  deceest,  and  wuz  in  the  next  world.  It  wuz  a 
singler  site  that  met  my  vision.  The  dividin  line  atween  this 
\vorld  and  the  next  wuz  a swift  stream  uv  water,  and  every 
deceest  spirit  hed  to  cross  it.  The  water  wuz  snthin  like  that 
uv  the  Dead  Sea.  A man,  unencumbered  with  anything,  cood 
walk  on  it,  but  they  sunk  down  in  it  ef  they  wuz  loaded, 
accordin  to  what  they  hed  to  carry.  On  the  tother  side  uv  this 
Jordan  wuz  heaven ; the  dominions  uv  his  majesty  Satan  the 
1st  wuz  below,  and  to  it  a strong  under  current  flowed,  which 
took  all  them  ez  wuz  too  heavy  loaded  to  keep  their  chins 
above  water. 

On  the  bank  stood  more  than  two  millions  uv  little  devils, 
who  flung  onto  the  shoulders  uv  them  tryin  to  cross,  their 
failins,  and  weaknesses,  and  iniquities. 


240 


THE  FATE  OF  THE  WICKED. 


General  Breckinridge  wnz  the  first  that  I saw  enter  the 
flood.  He  hed  on  a life  preserver,  labelled  States  Bights ; 
but  a peert  little  devil  stuck  a pin  into  it,  and  it  collapsed,  the 
gas  with  wich  it  wuz  filled  smellin  horribly.  Down  he  went, 
and  ez  he  sunk,  they  commenced  peltin  him  with  packages 
labelled  ‘^Treason,”  Perjury,’’  and  “Murder,”  and  John  C. 
went  under. 

Old  James  Buchanan  went  next.  The  old  gentleman  didn’t 
keep  above  water  as  long  ez  a able-bodied  man  could  hold  a bar 
uv  red-hot  iron  in  his  hand.  He  made  one  splash,  when  a 
weight  labelled  “ Treason  ” struck  him,  and  down  he  went. 
The  gentlemanly  and  urbane  devil  who  had  him  in  charge  had 
a big  pile  more  uv  ammunition  to  discharge  at  him,  but  that 
one  wuz  sufficient. 

Vallandigham  come  next.  1 wuz  surprised  to  see  no  one 
make  a motion  at  him,  but  he  sank  all  the  same.  “ We  never 
waste  effort,”  sed  Satan  to  me  ; “ he  carries  enough  natural 
cussedhess  about  him,  all  the  time,  to  sink  him,  without  pilin 
any  devilment  on  his  shoulders  wich  is  ten  days  old.” 

Frank  Peerce  made  his  appearance,  but  declined  to  enter. 
He  wuz  immediately  seezed,  and  on  each  leg  wuz  tied  a weight 
labelled  “ Kansas,”  and  they  flung  him  in.  He  went  down  like 
a shot,  and  that’s  the  last  1 seed  uv  him. 

Garret  Davis  went  in,  and  to  my  surprise,  passed  over  safely. 
Nothing  wuz  flung  at  him,  for  wich  1 asked  the  reason. 

“ Why,”  sed  Satan,  “ the  poor  old  man  isn’t  accountable. 
He  commenced  to  talk  many  }mars  ago,  and  keeps  on  talkin 
because  he  really  don’t  know  when  to  stop.  I could  hev  sunk 
him,  but  the  fact  is,  I woodent  endoor  what  the  Senit  uv  the 
United  States  hez  hed  to,  for  the  past  few  years,  for  a dozen  uv 
Tombs  lawyers.  Besides  this,  I’m  gettin  more  from  Kentucky 
now  than  I am  really  entitled  to.  I’ve  a mortgage  on  two  thirds 
uv  that  State,’.. 

Fernandy  and  Ben  Wood  come  up  rather  bold,  and  entered 
the  flood  ez  though  they  were  sure  uv  goin  through  all  right. 
With  an  inimitable  chuckle,  Satan  motioned  away  the  inexperi- 
enced devils,  and  sed,  “ Leave  em  to  me,”  and  at  Ben  he  hurled 
a package  uv  the  New  York  News,  wich  swashed  him  down 
instanter.  Jest  ez  Fernandy  wuz  beginnin  to  reach  the  other 


Nasbt’s  Dream  of  Ketribution.  Page  240. 


SATAN’S  IDEAS. 


241 


shore,  he  flung  onto  him  an  assortment  uv  weights,  labelled 
Lotteries  ” and  ‘‘  Riots,”  which  took  him  down  to  the  arm- 
pits,  and  finished  by  tumblin  onto  him  a mass,  onto  wich  wuz 
written  Mayoralty,”  and  down  he  went ; at  wich  His  Majesty 
drew  a sigh  uv  relief. 

Seein  the  style  uv  the  men  who  sunk,  I remarked  unto 
him,  — 

“ This  war  hez  bin  a rather  profitable  thing  for  yoo.” 

Nothin  to  speak  uv,”  sed  he.  ^‘The  leaders  uv  the  South- 
erners were,  sum  uv  em,  honest,  and  got  through  on  that 
account,  and  the  rank  and  file  were  ignorant  wretches,  who 
ain’t  accountable,  nohow.  The  leading  Copperheads  uv  the 
North  were  mine,  anyhow,  from  the  beginning.  Any  man  who 
cood  sympathize  with  the  rebels  in  sicli  a struggle,  must,  yoo 
will  acknowledge,  hev  lied  a long  career  uv  iniquity  to  fit  em 
for  sich  a sin.  Why,”  sed  he,  do  yoo  think  I use  all  the  shot 
1 hev  ? Not  any.  Them  yoo’ve  seen  piled  on  were  used 
because,  bein  the  last,  they  were  pn  the  top  uv  the  pile. 

Any  quantity  uv  yoor  party  escaped  me.  Them  fellows 
who  are  yet  votin  for  Jackson  I’ll  never  git,  and  the  most  uv 
them  ez  alluz  votes  unscratched  tickets  will  dodge  me.  Their ' 
innocence  protects  em.  It  takes  a modritly  smart  man  to  be 
vishus  enufi*  to  come  to  me  ; he  hez  to  hev  sense  enuff  to  dis- 
tinguish between  good  and  evil,  cussednis  enuff  to  deliberately 
choose  the  latter,  and  brains  enuff  to  do  suthin  startlin  in  that 
line.  Dan  Voorhees,  uv  Injeany,  hez  all  these  qualities  devel- 
oped to  a degree  wich  excites  my  profound  respect.  Between 
him  and  Fernandy  Wood  it’s  nip  and  tuck.  Fernandy  did 
wicked  things  with  more  neatnis  than  Voorhees,  but  for  a actual 
love  uv  doin  em  Voorhees  beets  the  world.  I sed,”  continued 
he,  that  the  war  wuzn’t  uv  much  yoose  to  me.  I repeat  it ; 
it  wuz  a damage.  Afore  the  war,  I hed  my  own  way,  pretty 
much,  in  the  Southern  States.  For  every  octoroon,  I cood 
count  on  at  least  two  planters,  and  under  the  patriarkle  system 
uv  Afrikin  slavery  (wich,  by  the  way,  wuz  wun  uv  my  most 
brilliant  consepshuns),  octooroons  multiplied  with  a rapidity 
pleasin  to  behold.  But  now,  alas  ! the  octooroon  bizniss  is 
done,  and  my  best  holt  is  gone.  I hev  some  little  liope,  how- 
ever. The  Dimocrisy  are  displayin  a vigger  I didn’t  think  they 
16 


242 


AND  HIS  HOPFS. 


possest.  Ef  they  kin  only  git  strength  enuff  to  elect  the  next 
President  and  re-establish  slavery  ! The  thought  fills  me  with 
unutterable  joy.  The  redoosin  of  the  nigger  to  bondage  agin 
wood  give  me  a clean  title  to  evry  last  one  who  helped  to  do  it, 
and  in  gittin  em  back  into  their  normal  condishun  (by  the  way, 
that’s  another  phrase  uv  mine),  ther’d  be  enuff  slaughterin  and 
murders  to  satisfy  several  sich  Satans  ez  I am.  Pd  help  em 
ef  I knowd  how,  but  I can't  improve  on  either  their  speekers 
or  writers,  and  ez  long  ez  men  will  do  my  work  gratis,  I don’t 
see  the  yoose  uv  interferin.” 

At  this  pint  a couple  uv  small  imps  undertook  to  push  me 
into  the  stream,  and  in  the  struggle  I awoke.  My  dreem  wuz 
o’er,  but  the  impreshun  remained.  Kin  it  be,”  mused  I,  pen- 
sively, that  we  are  doin  the  devil’s  work,  and  are  we  to  be 
finally  rewarded  in  the  manner  I saw  in  my  vision  ? Ef  so, 
hedn’t  I better  quit  and  repent  ? ” 

But  I thought  agin,  that  however  it  mite  be  for  younger 
men,  it  wood  be  uv  no  yoose  for  me.  I hed  voted  the  strait 
ticket  for  thirty  years,  and  the  ten  or  twelve  years  I hed  to 
live  wuz  too  short  a time  in  which  to  repent  successfully  uv 
sich  iniquity.  So  I sank  into  sleep  agin,  this  time  dreemin 
that  I had  turned  Fenian  — hed  elected  m}^self  Hed  Centre 
for  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky,  and  wuz  just  investin  $75,000  in  a 
magnificent  plantashun. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dis'pensashun. 


THE  TROUBLE  OP  LIVING  ON  FAITH. 


243 


xcv. 

THE  SITUATION.  — THE  DEMOCRACY  WARNED. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kehtucky),  ) 

February  15,  18G6.  ) 

I HEV  hed  hopes  uv  Androo  Johnson.  My  waitin  sole  hez 
bin  centred  onto  him  for  a year  back.  He  wuz  the  Moses  wich 
I spected  wood  lead  the  Democrisy  out  uv  the  desolate  Egypt 
into  which  we  hev  bin  making  bricks  without  straw  for  five 
long  weary  and  dreary  years.  0,  hoAv  I hev  yearned  for  John- 
son ! 0,  how  I hev  waited,  day  after  day,  and  week  after 

week,  and  month  after  month,  for  some  manifestation  uv  Di- 
mocrisy  wich  is  satisfactory  — suthin  tangible  — suthin  that  I 
cood  take  hold  on. 

Faith  is  the  substance  uv  things  hoped  for,  and  the  evidence 
of  things  not  seen ; wich  is  all  right  so  fnr  ez  religion  is  con- 
cerned, but  uv  no  account  in  politix.  A friend  uv  mine,  who 
wuz  a monomaniac  on  the  subjick  uv  faith,  undertook  to  live 
on  it,  under  the  insane  belief  that  ef  a man  had  faith,  pork 
wuz  unnecessary.  Wuz  the  experiment  a success?  Not 
any.  When  he  commenst  the  trial  he  weighed  200 ; in  a 
week  he  wuz  down  to  125  ; and  in  fourteen  days  he  slept  in 
the  valley  ! 

I hev  been  livin  on  faith  for  a year  or  more,  and  I too  am 
thin.  My  bones  show  ; light  shines  through  me  ; I am  faint 
and  sick.  0,  for  suthin  that  I can  see  and  feel  — suthin 
solid ! 

Our  Dimocratic  newspapers  are  supportin  Androo  Johnson. 
They  claim  that  his  policy  is  our  policy ; that  he  is  ourn,  and 
we  are  hizn.  They  are  singin  hosanners  to  him.  At  his  every 
act  they  exclaim  Halleloogy  ! in  chorus.  What  is  it  all  about? 
In  what  partikeler  hez  Androo  Johnson  showed  hisself  to  be  a 


The  Democratic  leaders  were  in  great  doubt  in  1866  as  to  the  policy  of  adopt- 
ing President  Johnson,  and  President  Johnson  was  for  a time  in  doubt  as  to 
the  propriety  of  adopting  the  Democrac}^.  The  President  wanted  the  Democ- 
racy, but  he  also  desired  to  retain  in  his  party  the  “ conservative”  Republicans, 
and  therefore  at  the  beginning  of  his  trouble  his  appointments  were  all  made 
from  the  latter  class,  much  to  the  disgust  of  the  former. 


244 


“ WHERE  IS  THE  OFFICES  ? 


Dimokrat?  In  the  name  uv  Dimocrisy  let  me  ask,  “Where  is 
THE  OFFICES  ? Who’s  got  em  ? What  is  the  politikle  convic- 
shnns  uv  the  wretch  who  is  post  master  at  the  Corners,  and 
who  only  last  nite  refused,  in  the  most  heartless  manner,  to 
trust  me  for  postage  stamps?  Who  is  the  Collectors,  the  As- 
sessors, et  settry?  Are  they  constitooshnel  Dimokrats  ? Is 
Stanton,  and  Seward,  and  Welles  histed  out  uv  the  cabinet,  and 
Vallandigum,  and  Brite,  and  Wood  appinted  in  their  places? 
Not  onct.  Every  post  master,  every  collector,  every  assessor, 
every  officer,  is  a Ablishinist,  dyed  deeply  and  in  fast  colors. 

Faith  Avithout  Avorks  is  a Aveak  institution ; its  like  a whisky 
punch  Avith  the  Avhisky  omitted,  Avich  is  a disgustin  mixter  uv 
warm  Avater  and  sugar.  What  is  it  to  me  (who  hev  bin  ready 
to  accept  any  position  uv  Avich  the  salary  avuz  sufficient  to 
maintain  a individooal  uv  simple  habits)  Avho  is  beheaded,  so 
ez  I don’t  get  a place?  Androo  Johnson  may  cut  off  offishl 
heads  ez  dexterously  and  profoosely  ez  he  chooses ; but  my 
sole  refuses  to  thrill  Avhen  I knoAv  that  Ablishnists,  though  uv 
a different  stripe,  will  be  apinted.  So  long  ez  Dimocrats  are 
kept  out,  AAdiat  care  I who  hez  the  places  ? Paul  may  plant 
and  Apollus  Avater  ; but  uv  what  account  is  the  plantin  and 
AAmterin  to  me  ef  I don’t  get  the  increase  ? I take  no  delight 
in  sich  spectacles.  Ef  Androo  Johnson  proposes  to  be  a Dimo- 
crat,  — ef  he  desires  the  honest,  hearty  support  uv  the  party, 
— let  him  seel  his  faith  Avith  works. 

I visited  Washington  AAuth  the  express  purpose  uv  seein  the 
second  Jackson.  I am  a frank  man,  and  I laid  the  matter  afore 
him  Avithout  hesitation.  I told  him  that  the  Postmaster  at  the 
Corners  AVUZ  opposin  his  policy  and  aboosin  him  continually; 
that  it  AVUZ  a outrage  that  men  holdin  place  under  the  Admin- 
istration should  not  sustain  the  Administration.  In  the  name 
uv  Right,  I demanded  a change. 

I sposed  that  to-Avunst  the  position  Avould  be  offered  to  me  ; 
and  that  after  protestin  a sufficient  time  that  I did  not  wish  it, 
and  Avould  prefer  the  appintment  of  some  more  worthy  man,  I 
should  accept  it,  and  go  home  provided  for  three  years.  Im- 
agine my  deep,  my  unutterable  disgust,  Avhen  he  told  me  that 
he  Avood  investigate  the  matter,  and  probably  wood  make  a 
change,  provided  he  could  find,  in  the  vicinity,  some  origi- 
nal Union  man  who  would  accept  the  place. 


THE  CENTRAL  IDEA. 


245 


Then  the  iron  entered  my  soul.  Then  I felt  that  in  him  we 
had  no  lot  nor  part. 

Our  principles  are  uv  a very  comprehensive  nature.  We 
are  willin  to  endorse  Androo  Johnson,  or  any  other  man.  We 
will  endorse  his  theories  uv  Reconstruction,  or  any  man’s  theo- 
ries. We  are  elastic,  like  Injy  rubber.  The  boy  who  set  a 
hen  on  a hundred  eggs  acknowledged  to  his  maternal  parent 
that  she  could  not  kiver  em  ; but  he  remarked  he  wanted  to 
see  the  old  thing  spred  herself.  We  have  that  spreadin  capaci- 
ty. We  kin  accommodate  the  prejudices  uv  the  people  uv  all 
the  various  localities.  In  Connecticut  we  are  singin  John 
Brown’s  body  lies  a mouldrin  in  the  grave,  in  a modritly  loud 
tone,  and  supporting  a Ablishnist  who  voted  for  doin  away  with 
slavery  in  the  District  of  Columby  and  for  the  Constooshnel 
Amendment.  In  Kentucky  we  are  hangin  men  uv  the  John 
Brown  style,  and  mobbin  all  uv  the  persuasion  uv  the  Connec- 
ticut nominee.  Sich  a variety  uv  principle,  — a party  uv  sich 
adaptibility,  — kin  hev  but  one  great  central  idee,  on  wich 
there  is  no  diversity  uv  opinion,  and  to  which  all  other  ideas  is 
subordinate.  That  idea  is  Post  Office  ! and  ef  Androo  John- 
son could  be  got  rite  on  that  question,  we’d  care  not  wat  else 
he  required  uv  us. 

We  hev  our  arms  around  Androo.  We  are  huggin  him  to 
our  buzzums  ; but  he  hez  left  his  baggage  to  hum.  That  bag- 
gage is  wat  we  want ; and  we  shel  fling  him  off  shortly,  onless 
he  changes  his  policy  in  this  respeck.  He  kin  hev  us  on  easy 
terms  ; but  he  must  furnish  the  ammunishun  with  which  to 
fight  his  battles.  Will  he  do  it  ? That’s  the  question  a hun- 
dred thousand  hungry  soles,  who  hanker  even  ez  I do,  are  daily 
askin. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


246 


THE  CAPTURE  OF  THE  PRESIDENT. 


XCVI. 

THE  PRESIDENT’S  22D  OF  FEBRUARY  SPEECH. 

Washington,  February  23,  1866. 

I don’t  know ; but  there  is  a still  small  voice  within  me 
wich  whispers,  All  is  well ! ” The  delusive  phantom,  Hope, 
may  be  play  in  false  with  me.  The  wish  may  be  paternal  parient 
to  the  thought,  and  I may  be  indulgin  in  a dream  from»wich  I 
shel  be,  to-morrer,  roodly  awakened ; but  it’s  my  opinion  that 
the  day-star  uv  glory  hez  ariz  onto  the  Dimocracy ; that  our 
night  uv  gloom  is  over ; and  that,  at  last,  the  Government,  or 
at  least  the  only  part  we  care  about,  — : the  offisis,  — is  ourn.  I 
heerd  Androo  Johnson  speak  last  nite  ! I stood  beside  him ! I 
helpt  hold  him  up ! I smelt  his  breath.  It’s  all  rite  ! 

I hed  hopes  when  he  vetoed  that  large  and  varied  assortment 
uv  Ablishn  abominashens,  — the  Freedmen’s  Burow  bill,  — not- 
withstandin  there  were  pints  in  his  message  I coodent  sanction. 
The  veto  wuz  heavenly,  but  his  reasons  were  unsound.  When 
he  expressed  hisself  ez  bein  determined  upon  sekoorin  the  nig- 
gers in  their  rites,  I felt  fearful  that  there  wuz  a honest  differ- 
ence uv  opinion  atween  him  and  Congress  wich  mite  be  settled, 
and  then  what  wood  become  uv  us  ? Ef  the  niggers  is  to  hev 
rites,  in  the  name  uv  Heaven,  I asked  myself,  what  difference 
does  it  make  to  us  whether  they  hev  em  by  Charles  Sumner’s 
system  (on  whose  head  rest  cusses  ! ),  or  A.  Johnson’s  ! And 
ez  is  customary  when  men  ask  theirselves  questions,  I got  no 
answer.  Men  never  ask  theirselves  questions  wich  kin  be 
answered. 

But  last  nite  my  doubts  wuz  removed.  Little  Sam  Cox,  and 
Dan  Voorhees,  and  the  Woods,  and  me,  hed  bin  with  Androo 
all  day.  The  Ablishnists  avoided  him  after  the  veto ; and 
knowin  he’d  done  suthin  he  wuzn’t  quite  shoor  wuz  wise,  he 

The  famous,  or  rather  infamous,  speech  of  tlie  22cl  of  February,  1866,  settled 
the  status  of  President  Johnson,  and  indicated  clearly  his  purpose  of  turning 
his  back  upon  tlie  loyal  men  of  the  country.  He  continued,  however,  to 
appoint  Republicans  to  office,  and  refused  to  commit  himself  specifically  to  the 
Democracy.  The  real  Republicans  abandoned  him  from  that  moment. 


A DESCRIPTION  OF  THE  CAPTORS. 


247 


needed  bracin  up,  and  we  wuz  ready  to  brace  him.  Isn’t  it 
singular  that  men,  when  they  go  to  the  devil,  alluz  go  in 
squads  ? Cox  hed  him  cornered  all  day,  a readin  to  him  extrax 
from  Forney’s  Press,  and  choice  selections  from  Sumner’s 
speeches  ; and  Voorhees  and  the  others  wuz  a intimatin  to  him 
that  only  in  the  buzzum  uv  the  Dimocrisy  cood  he  find  that 
congeniality  uv  sperit  so  nessary  to  him  ; and  by  the  time  the 
. serenade  wuz  ready,  he  wuz  ez  full  uv  venom  ez  wuz  possible, 
and  his  capacity  in  that  line  is  immense. 

The  company  all  went  with  him  onto  the  stand,  and  my  eyes 
saw  the  first  cheerin  vision  wich  they  hev  beheld  for  years. 
Before  us  stood  ten  thousand  or  more  Dimocrats.  There  wuz 
the  veteran  from  Lee’s  army  in  his  sootuv  gray,  which  hed,  by 
continued  contact  with  the  pavements  uv  Washington  — Avich, 
not  hevin  bin  slept  on  much,  sense  Bookannon’s  time,  they 
don’t  SAveep  — become  someAvhat  uv  the  color  uv  the  clay. 
There  avuz  the  offiser  Avho  surrendered  with  Johnston,  and 
them  noble  sons  uv  Baltimore,  and  RaAvly,  and  Charleston,  who, 
though  they  didn’t  serve  their  section  in  the  field,  Avere  ardent 
in  their  support  uv  the  cause.  There  Avere  the  old-style 
Dimocrats  uv  the  North,  AAdiose  faith  in  Johnson’s  Dimocrisy, 
based  upon  the  scene  Avich  took  place  at  the  inauguration, 
wuz  greater  than  mine,  hed  come  on  Avith  their  applications 
for  Post  Offises,  and  avIio  jined  so  heartily  in  the  cheers  Avich 
went  up  for  J.  Davis  : and  there,  addressin  this  croAvd,  avuz  a 
President  — the  man  Avho  had  the  appintin  poAver  in  his  hands 
— Avho  cood  make  and  unmake  Post  Masters  ! 

It  did  me  good,  and  yet  I doubtid.  Wood  he  go  through 
with  it?  Wood  he  lock  horns  A\dth  Wade  and  Sumner,  and 
dare  the  Avrath  uv  Thad  Stevens  ? Wood  he?  He  Avavered  and 
shrunk  back  ez  he  saAv  the  style  uv  the  aAvdience  before  him ; 
for  he  hed  bin,  for  four  years,  accustomed  to  better  dressed 
people.  But  Cox  avuz  ekal  to  the  emergency.  Samyooel 
Avhispered  into  his  ear,  “ Charles  the  I. ! ” and  flamin  up  like 
a conflagratid  oil  well,  he  Avaded  in.  Then  I felt  that  it  wuz  all 
right.  Then  my  soul  expanded ; and  ez  he  Avent  on,  pilin 


* Mr.  Sumner,  in  a speech,  spoke  of  President  Johnson  as  the  American 
“ Charles  I.” 


248 


AND  THEIR  ENTHUSIASM. 


Billinsgate  upon  Billinsgate,  nsin  Tennessee  stump  slang,  im- 
proved by  a liberal  mixture  uv  the  more  desprit  variety  he 
hed  picked  up  in  Washinton  and  Baltimore,  I felt  that  it  wuz 
indeed  well  with  us.  He  wuz  talkin  ez  a Dimokrat  to  Dim- 
okrats  ; and  it  wuz  appreciated.  Strippin  off  all  the  disguise 
he  hed  bin  a wearin  for  four  years,  — washin  off,  in  rage  and 
whisky,  the  varnish  and  putty  with  wich  he  hed  shined  up  his 
dullness,  and  filled  up  the  cracks  and  cavities  wich  hed  alluz 
troubled  him, — he  stood  forth  ez  we  knowd  him  — Androo 
Johnson  ! How  he  did  froth  and  foam  ! How  he  did  lash  his 
late  associates  ! and  how  those  Dirnokrats  who  came  to  Wash- 
inton with  petitions  for  places  in  their  pockets  did  wink  at  each 
other,  and  poke  each  other  in  the  ribs,  Avith  exultation  and 
jocularity  wich  they  cood  not  conceal ! And  how  the  Ablish- 
nists,  wich  hung  onto  the  outskirts  uv  the  crowd,  in  the  hope 
that  he  wood  declare  himself  in  sich  a way  ez  to  give  em  some 
hope,  did  Avalk  away  sorrowful  and  sore,  ez  tho  they  felt  that 
they  hed  a new  trouble  afore  em  ! And  how  the  soljers  uv 
Lee,  and  the  quartermasters  wich  hed  made  Richmond  their 
headquarters  doorin  the  war,  did  cheer  and  sling  their  hats 
into  the  air,  and  in  the  uncontrollable  enthoosiasm  uv  the 
moment  invariably  snatch  better  ones  from  the  heads  uv  the 
Northern  men  in  the  croAvd  ! It  wuz  gorjus. 

While  His  Eggslency’s  course  gives  me  hope,  I don’t  want  it 
to  be  understood  that  I am  prepared  to  fully  and  entirely 
indorse  him.  I don’t  go  much  on  men  who  do  things  in  a state 
uv  madnis ; neither  do  I invest  heavy  in  that  Dimokrat  Avich 
requires  an  extra  load  uv  likker  to  make  him  act  and  talk  like 
a Dimokrat.  Androo  Johnson  Avas  and  is  a Dimokrat  — a 
ginooine  Dimokrat.  The  accident  uv  his  learnin  to  read,  in 
his  yooth,  gave  him  a preeminence  over  us  in  Tennessee,  and 
put  him  through  the  various  places  he  hez  filled.  His  affinities 
Avnz  with  us ; his  style  avuz  our  style,  and  his  habits  our  habits  ; 
and  he  hed  no  biznis  to  ever  git  out  uv  the  fold.  1 cannot 
forget  that  he  Avent  back  on  us  at  a critikle  time  in  the  history 
uv  the  party.  He  saAv  that  the  effort  the  Dimocrisy  uv  the 
South  Avus  rnakin  to  regain  their  rites  wood  be  a failure  ; the 
aristocracy  uv  the  South  hed  snubbed  him,  and  refbozed  to 
recognize  him ; but  all  this  shood  not  hev  affected  him.  It’s 


THE  GREAT  QUESTION. 


249 


the  normal  condishn  uv  the  lower  grade  uv  Dimokrats  to  be 
snubbed  ; and  they  hev  no  rite  to  inquire  whether  anything 
the  aristocracy  uv  the  party  propose  is  goin  to  be  a failure  or 
not.  It’s  their  dooty  to  obey  orders  without  questioning. 

Wat  spiled  Johnson  wuz  Massachoosits.  fie  pretended  to  be 
loyal,  and  Massachoosits  patted  him  on  the  back.  They  took 
him  into  good  society.  They  let  him  associate  with  Sumner 
and  sich,  and  the  man  became  infatuated.  He  got  to  drinkin 
high  priced  drinks,  and  wearin  clean  shirts,  and  begun  to  ape 
the  manners  uv  those  into  whose  sphere  he  hed  bin  thrown. 
There  wuz  these  two  opposin  forces  contendin  within  him  — 
nateral  proclivities  and  acquired  tastes  — wich  may  be  repre- 
sented by  whiskey  out  uv  a jug,  and  mint  juleps  at  Willard’s. 
Massachoosits  wuz  a pullin  him  up,  and  North  Carolina  wuz 
pullin  him  down.  He  wantid  to  stay  with  Massachoosits,  but 
he  wuz  uncomfortable  all  the  time ; and  finally  nacher  asserted 
her  supremacy,  and  he  broke  over,  and  like  the  water  long  con- 
fined in  a dam,  when  it’s  bustid  its  obstructions,  and  goes,  it 
goes  with  a looseness’,  and  tears  up,  and  takes  a very  large 
quantity  uv  dirt  and  drift  wood  with  it. 

Before  I tie  myself  to  A.  J.,  I want  to  know  for  certin  what 
he  proposes  to  do.  Who  is  to  hev  the  Post  * Offisis  ? Is 
Ablishnists  to  still  retain  the  places  uv  trust  and  profit  ? Does 
he  propose  to  organize  a new  party,  made  up  uv  sich  Republi- 
kins  ez  he  can  indoose  to  foller  him  and  the  Dimocrisy  ? Ef 
so,  I ain’t  in.  Decidedly,  I ain’t  in.  Emphatically,  count  me 
out.  For  the  reason,  that  he  kin  git  jist  enuff  Republikins, 
precisely,  and  no  more,  to  fill  the  offisis,  and  they  will  be  uv 
sich  a character  ez  will  do  the  Dimokrisy  no  credit.  I won’t 
be  tail  to  no  kite.  We  are  willin  to  play  kite  ; but  tail,  never  ! 
Ef  we  boost  Androo  Johnson,  Androo  Johnson  must  boost  us. 
Does  he  think  we  kin  carry  sich  a load  ez  he  is  for  nothin  ? 
Nary.  Ef  we  hev  a consoomin  desire  to  git  along  without 
offisis,  we  are  doin  very  well  at  that  now,  we  thank  yoo  ; and 
we  heven’t  the  responsibility  uv  the  Administration  uv  a ex- 
stremely  shaky  man  to  carry.  Sich  loads  must  be  paid  for. 

But,  after  all,  I hev  hopes.  He  hez  cut  bisself  loose  from 
Sumner  and  Stevens  ; and  in  less  than  a week  every  Republi- 
kin  uv  modrit  sensibilities  will  be  aboozin  uv  him  to  that 


250 


A PROTEST. 


extent  that  he  won’t  be  able  to  git  back  agin.  He’s  a animal 
uv  the  bull  kind  ; and  criticism  and  opposition  is  to  him  the 
red  flag  wich  the  Spanish  matadors  wave  afore  the  animals 
they  wish  to  infooriate,  and  they  may  drive  him  into  our 
ranks. 

I wait,  and  watch,  and  hope.  Ef  I kin  wunst  'git  a commis- 
sion, with  the  broad  seel  uv  the  Postmaster  General  onto  it, 
confirmin  me  in  the  possession  uv  the  post  orfis  at  the  Corners, 
I shel  bless  the  day  that  Androo  Johnson  left  us,  and  prokoored 
his  elevation  to  the  Presidency.  May  the  day  be  hastened  ! 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 

— — 

XCVII. 

THE  PRESIDENT  IMPLORED  TO  SHOW  HIS  HAND. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  St.ait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

• February  29,  1866.  ) 

I NOTICE,  all  over  the  North,  the  Democrisy  is  a firin  guns, 
and  marchin  after  brass  bands,  and  hirin  halls  for  endorsin 
Androo  Johnson.  Ez  a sentinel  on  the  watch-tower,  I protest ! 
In  the  name  uv  suffrin  Kentucky,  uv  wich  State  I am  a adopted 
citizen,  I protest ! In  the  name  uv  common  sense  and  ordnary 
politikle  sagacity,  I protest ! 

Androo  Johnson  may  possibly  be  on  the  high  road  to  Dimoc- 
risy ; but,  ez  yet,  what  ashoorence  hev  we  ? Am  I datin  my 
letters  from Post  Orfis,  Confedrit  X Roads?”  Hez  there 
bin,  as  yit,  any  well  authenticated  case  uv  the  removal  uv  a 
Ablishnist,  and  the  apintment  uv  a constooshnel  Democrat  in 
his  stead  ? Not  that  I hev  heard  of.  Per  contra,  the  Ablish- 
nists  — them  ez  wuz  appinted  by  Linkin  — are  still  holdin  on. 


Democratic  politicians  organized  meetings  in  all  the  Northern  States,  in  ap- 
proval of  the  President’s  speech,  and  the  policy  it  foreshadowed,  all  of  which 
were  engineered  hy  men  wlio  yearned  for  the  comfortable  offices  occupied  by 
their  political  enemies.  The  majority  of  them  got  their  reward  subsequently. 


HESITATION. 


251 


ez  calm  ez  a summer  mornin,  without  any  apparent  fear  uv  any 
change  affectin  them. 

Who  pays  for  the  Halls  ? Who  pays  the  music  ? Who  pays 
the  Powder?  *Dimocrats  who  do  these  scent  Post  Offises  in 
the  distance.  Are  they  like  the  war  boss  in  Job’s  writins,  who 
smelled  the  battle  afar  off,  and  remarked  Ha,  Ha  ! to  the  trum- 
pets ? Let  me  entreat  sich  that  they  kin  make  a better  invest- 
ment uv  their  means.  The  cost  uv  one  meetin,  put  in  korn 
whisky,  wood  not  only  solace  theirselves,  but  start  half  a dozen 
Ablislmists  on  the  road  to  Dimocrisy. 

Men  is  deceptive.  I hev  hopes  uv  Androo  Johnson  myself, 
and  principally  becoz  Vallandigum  and  Fernandy  Wood  hev 
hopes.  Them  buzzards  kin  smell  carrion  a long  distance,  and 
they  are  seldom  at  fault.  In  this  case,  the}^  may  be.  They 
base  their  hopes  on  Johnson’s  speech,  at  Washington,  on  the 
22d.  There  may  be  suthin  in  it ; but  ain’t  it  possible  that  the 
stench  wich  they  took  for  Dimocrisy,  and  wich  they  sposed 
cum  from  Johnson,  ariz  from  them  ez  surrounded  him? 

But,”  sez  a Dimocrat,  whose  nose,  from  long  continued  lack 
of  supplies,  hez  softened  down  from  a generous  crimson  to  a 
ghastly  bloo,  and  who  woodent  hev  a small  post  orfis  at  no 
price,  ef  it  wuznt  offered  him,  “ look  at  the  class  he  spoke  to.” 

Wat  noncence  ! Androo  wuz  mad.  There  wuz  a mass  uv 
bile  on  his  politikle  stumick  wich  must  be  got  rid  uv.  He  had 
sum  nasty  things  to  say,  and  it  wuz  a part  uv  the  eternal  fit- 
ness uv  things  that  he  shood  hev  a nasty  audience  to  say 
em  to. 

I don’t  propose  to  go  orf  into  spasms  over  the  present  situa- 
siiun.  Johnson  proposes  to  continue  the  Freedmen’s  Buro,  and 
hezn’t  no  noshen  of  repealin  the  test  oath,  or  uv  drawin  the 
military  out  uv  the  Dimocratik  States.  So  far  as  heard  from, 
we  uv  the  South  is  still  in  a stait  of  abject  cussitood.  Our 
habis  oorpuses  wich  Linkin  took  away  from  us  hevn’t  bin  re- 
turned, and  we  are  obleeged  to  git  along  ez  best  we  kin  with- 
out em.  1 knocked  down  a small  nigger  yisterday,  for  the 
purpus  uv  assertin  the  sooperiority  uv  the  Caucashun  race 
over  the  Afrikin,  and  wuz  to-wunst  hauled  up  afore  a Freed- 
men’s Buro,  and  fined.  Our  high-toned  and  chivalrous  mem- 
bers are  exclooded  from  Congris  on  the  frivolus  plea  that  they 


252 


THE  PRICE  OP  ALLEGIANCE. 


wuz  kernels  and  briggydeer  Ginerals  in  the  Confederit  servis ; 
and  all  these  outrages  agin  Dimocrisy  Androo  Johnson,  by  per- 
mittin,  absolootly  approves. 

I could  probably  swaller  all  these  things.  I am  a Diniokrat 
uv  thirty  years  standin,  and,  uv  course,  hev  bin  on  both  sides 
uv  every  politikle  fence.  The  seat  of  my  politikle  pants  is 
full  uv  slivers.  But.  before  I take  down  these  things,  I 
WANT  TO  KNOW  WHAT  I AM  GOINO  TO  GIT  FOR 
IT.  Ef  Androo  Johnson  goes  back  on  his  party  and  his 
pledges,  he,  uv  course,  asks  us  to  go  back  on  ourn.  In  sich 
transactions,  where  both  parties,  by  bein  engaged  in  it  at  all, 
confess  themselves  rutlier  a low  grade  of  scoundrels,  I think  it 
well  enuff  to  hev  the  consideration  paid  down. 

Ef  xindroo  Johnson  wants  me,  he  knows  the  terms.  I am 
his  to  command,  for  a consideration  ; ez  much  so  ez  is  the 
thousands  uv  Demokrats  who  hev  bin,  for  the  past  week,  gittin 
up  demonstrations.  But  I want  suthin  to  go  on.  When  I hev 
his  permission,  under  the  broad  seel  uv  the  Post  Orfis  Depart- 
ment, to  \yrite  ‘‘  P.  M.”  after  my  illustrious  name,  I shell  be 
prepared  to  wade  in.  I hev  bin  huntin  up  several  reasons  for 
supportin  him.  I hev  em  all  ready.  I only  want  this  addi- 
tional one,  and  then  I fling  my  banner  to  the  breeze.  Faith  is 
sed  to  be  the  sun  of  all  religious  systems.  Post  Offis  is  the 
central  Agger  in  all  Democratic  creeds  — the  theme  uv  conver- 
sation by  day,  and  the  staple  uv  dreems  by  night.  How  long ! 
oh,  how  long  ! 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dis^pensashun, 


JOHN  GUTTLE. 


253 


XCVIII. 

THE  PATRIAECHAL  SYSTEM.  — AN  AFFECfTING 
APPEAL  IN  BEHALF  OF  A FRIEND. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Staituv  Kentucky),  ^ 

. March  19,  1866.  > 

Yesterday  I happened  to  pick  up  a copy  nv  a friteful  de- 
praved Ablishin  paper,  and  my  horror-stricken  eyes  wuz  glued 
to  the  follerin  passage,  which  I read : — 

I am  happy  to  state  to  you  that  our  free  negroes  are  doing 
finely.  We  have  no  trouble  with  them.  They  have  all  gone 
to  work  manfully.  They  give  an  impetus  to  trade  that  we 
never  before  had.  I have  sold  John  Guttle’s  negroes,  this  year 
and  last,  more  goods  than  I ever  sold  Guttle,  and  he  owned 
two  hundred  and  fifty  slaves.  So  you  see  the  free  negro  sys- 
tem is  v/orking  well  with  us.” 

Ez  I peroozed  them  lines,  tears  started  involuntarily  from 
my  beamin  eyes,  and  coursed  in  torrents  down  my  venerable 
cheeks.  I know  John  Guttle  well,  I may  say  intimately.  He 
wuz  a dear  friend,  — one  uv  the  few  wich  I call  friend  in  the 
most  comprehensive  sense  uv  the  word.  He  holds  my  note 
for  eighteen  dollars  and  63  cents  ; and  I hev  sumwhere  among 
my  papers,  wich  I have  always  carefully  preserved  for  refer- 
ence, a memorandum  uv  his  address,  that  I might  be  shoor  not 
to  forget  to  send  it  to  him.  I give  him  the  note  becoz  he  fur- 
nished the  paper,  and  it  made  him  easy  in  his  mind  — I put 
down  the  memorandum  becoz  it  looked  business-like.  Benevo- 
lence is  a prominent  trait  in  my  character.  When  givin  my, 
note  for  borrered  money  will  do  a man  good,  I never  begrudge 
the  trouble  uv  writin  it. 

But  wat  I wuz  a goin  to  say  wuz,  that  the  feendishnis  uv 
that  item  passes  belief  The  writer  puts  it  in  print  to  show 
that  the  Ablishn  uv  slavery  benefitted  sumbody.  I grant  him 
that  the  merchant,  who  undoubtedly  wuz  born  in  Massachoo- 
setts,  wuz  benefitted  by  the  change  ; so  are  the  greasy  mechan- 
ics who  are  now  pollutin  the  soil  uv  Alabama  ; and  so,  probably, 
are  the  250  niggers  ; but,  in  the  name  uv  Liberty,  in  the  name 


254 


AND  THE  GUTTLE  FAMILY. 


Tiv  Justice,  in  the  name  uv  the  Constitooshun  uv  the  United 
States,  and  the  flag  uv  our  Common  Country,  I ask.  How  about 
John  Guttle? 

John  Guttle  is  robbed.  John  Guttle  is  deprived  uv  his 
property.  The  bread  is  taken  from  John  Guttle’s  mouth ; his 
staff  is  broken ; his  dependence  is  gone  ; he  is  bereft. 

Never  shall  I forget  John  Guttle  or  his  hospitable  mansion, 
ez  I knowed  it  in  the  happy  years  afore  the  crooel  war.  He 
wuz  a gentleman  uv  the  old  school  — one  uv  the  few  left  us 
in  these  degenerate  days.  His  home  wuz  wun  uv  unalloyed 
happiness.  Situated  just  back  uv  Mobeel,  he  had  the  finest 
plantashun  in  that  section,  and  hed  on  it  250  niggers.  All 
shades  wuz  represented.  There  wuz  the  coal-black  Cufiee, 
whose  feechers  denoted  the  pure  Afrikin,  and  whose  awkward 
manners  showed  that  he  wuz  not  long  from  Afrika.  There 
wuz  the  civilized  mulatto,  in  whose  veins  the  Guttle  blood 
showed  ; the  quadroon,  in  whom  the  good  old  Guttle  blood 
predominated  ; and  the  octoroon,  which  wuz  mostly  Guttle. 
The  Guttleses  wuz  eminently  a Christian  generation.  They 
wuz  devoutly  pious ; and  there  never  wuz  one  uv  the  name 
who  cood  not  repeat,  without  the  book,  all  uv  the  texts  bearin 
on  slavery.  The  passages  in  which  Onesimus  and  Hager  Agger 
wuz  favorites  with  em  ; but  on  ‘‘  cussid  be  Canaan  ” they  wuz 
strong.  For  generations  they  had  mourned  over  the  hard  fate 
uv  the  sons  uv  Ham,  doomed  to  perpetual  bondage  becoz  uv 
the  sin  uv  their  father ; and  Avith  a missionary  spirit  ekaled  by 
few  and  excelled  by  none,  they  did  their  part  towards  redoosin 
that  cuss,  by  makin  ez  many  of  em  ez  possible  half-brothers  to 
the  more  favored  race  uv  Japhet,  and  thus  bringing  uv  em  out 
uv  the  cuss  ; and  they  hed  mellered  the  color  uv  their  charges 
down  from  the  hideous  black  to  a bright  yeller.  Under  the 
old  patriarkle  system,  time  passed  off  smoothly  and  pleasantly 
with  the  Guttle  familjL  Them  250  niggers  avuz  obliged,  uv 
course,  to  Avork,  and  their  labor  avuz  money.  John  bought 
each  uv  the  male  sons  uv  Ham  tAVo  soots  uv  clothes  per  annum, 
and  each  uv  the  female  sons  ua^  Ham  one  soot.  It  avuz  con- 
sidered healthy  for  the  young  ones  to  go  naked,  which  they 
AVUZ  religiously  alloAved  to  do,  ez  none  uv  the  Guttles  uv  that 
family  Avood  do  any  thing  agin  nader  or  her  laws.  The  girls 


THEIR  DOWNFALL. 


255 


hed  pianos,  and  wuz  educated  at  the  North  ; the  boys  wuz 
celebrated  for  horse  racing  and  their  skill  at  losin  money  at 
faro.  They  wuz  hospitable  and  generous  to  a fault.  Their 
house  wuz  open  house,  and  their  beverages  wuz  alluz  the  best. 
Money  wuz  no  objick  to  them  ; for  when  they  had  a severe 
attack  of  poker,  or  faro,  or  , boss  racin,  tliey  hed  plenty  uv 
octoroons  and  quadroons,  with  the  real  Guttle  nose,  wich  brand 
wuz  well  known  in  Noo  Orleans,  and  wood  alluz  command  the 
highest  possible  tigger  that  wuz  paid  in  that  market ; or,  ef  • 
they  had  no  more  than  they  wanted  at  home  uv  that  style,  why, 
a few  field  hands  wood  be  sold,  and  the  reraainin  ones  wood  be 
persuaded  by  the  overseer  to  do  the  work  uv  the  whole.  John 
Guttle’s  sons  wuz  all  in  the  Confederit  army.  His  daughters, 
willin  to  sacrifice  every  thing  fur  the  cause,  heroically  pledged 
theirselves  to  whip  the  niggers  theirselves  doorin  their  absence. 

Now  all  is  changed  I A shadder  hez  fallen  across  that  peace- 
ful home.  The  nigger  quarters  is  there,  but  the  niggers  is 
not.  The  broad  plantashun  is  divided  up  into  small  farms,  and 
half  uv  it  is  owned  by  Ablishnists  from  the  North,  who  work 
theirselves,  and  who  hev  a meetin  house  on  one  corner  uv  it, 
and  the  niggers  a school  house  on  the  tother.  The  race  track 
is  plowed  up  and  in  cotton  ; the  whippin-post  and  the  stocks  is 
taken  down  and  burned  ; all,  all  the  evidences  uv  civilizashun 
hez  faded  afore  the  ruthless  hand  uv  the  invader.  John  Guttle 
— that  generous  old  man  — subsists  by  the  labor  uv  his  own 
hands.  One  uv  his  sons  ekes  out  a miserable  existence  running 
a dray  in  Mobeel ; another,  who  is  gifted  with  no  ordinary 
intelleck,  earns  a respectable  living  playing  seven-up,  in  a small 
way,  with  his  former  niggers  ; and  the  two  girls  is  runnin  a 
sewing  masheen. 

Talk  not  to  me  uv  benefits.  What  is  a dozen  tradesmen  and 
two  hundred  and  fifty  niggers  to  the  glorious  old  Dimocratic 
John  Guttle  ? What  is  the  interest  uv  a dozen  or  so  uv  Noo 
England  mechanics,  and  the  niggers  aforesaid,  when  compared 
to  that  glorious  aristocracy  which  can  never  exist  beside  em  ? 
Kin  1 go  and  borrer  eighteen  dollars  and  sixty-three  cents  uv 
one  uv  them  ? No.  Becoz,  working  for  their  paltry  livins, 
they  place  a higher  value  on  money,  and  will  not  spread  it 
around  ez  profoosely  ez  the  noble  race  which  preceded  em. 


256 


JOHN  GUTTLE  AND  DEMOCRACY. 


Another  great  wrong  is  done  in  this  settin  free  uv  John 
Giittle’s  niggers.  John  Guttle  hez,  uv  course,  no  further 
interest  in  the  Dimocratic  party.  Slavery  wuz  the  umbillikle 
cord  which  united  the  Southern  slaveholder  and  the  Northern 
Dimocrat ; and,  that  cord  cut,  why  hez  John  Guttle  any  more 
interest  in  Dimocracy  ? We  stopd  ez  a Chinese  wall  between 
them  and  the  rushin  flood  uv  Ablishn  fanaticism ; and  we  made 
the  wall  biznis  pay.  They  furnished  money,  and  we  did  the 
work ; and,  there  bein  but  few  uv  us,  the  orfisis  wuz  easily 
divided.  Alas  ! our  occupashin’s  gone.  The  South  is  forever 
lost  to  us;  for  she  hez  no  dirty  work  for  us  to  do. 

I appeal  to  the  United  States  uv  America.  In  behalf  uv 
John  Guttle,  I say,  give  him  back  his  niggers.  In  behalf  uv 
the  Dimocrisy  North,  who  are  out  uv  employment,  give  him 
back  his  niggers.  In  behalf  uv  his  son  who  is  runnin  a dray, 
give  him  back  his  niggers.  In  behalf  uv  his  daughters  runnin 
a sewip  machine,  give  him  back  his  niggers.  Make  things 
Normal  agin.  Like  John  the  Baptist,  the  Guvernment  shall 
hear  the  voice  uv  one  howlin  in  the  wilderness  until  all  these 
is  done. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


XCIX. 

A DBEAM.  — THE  CORPSE  OF  REPUBLICANISM. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

March  30th,  1866.  ) 

I HEV  bin  to  Washinton.  That  Ablishn  Postmaster  at  the 
Corners  lied  become  to  me  a nitemare.  Day  after  day  I seed 
him  a handlin  guvment  money,  drawin  his  salary  promptly,  and 
takin  his  drinks  regerly,  while  I,  a Constooshnel  Dimekrat,  a 
supporter  uv  our  great  and  good  President,  wuz  forced  to  the 
hurniliashun  uv  waitin  till  I wuz  treated,  ceptin  when  a new 
grocery  keeper  cum  in,  which  gave  me  a chance  to  establish  a 


AN  INTERVIEW  WITH  A.  JOHNSON. 


257 


credit  for  a short  time.  I felt  that  sumthin  must  be  done,  and 
therefore  I went  to  Washinton. 

Knowin  that  for  men  uv  my  profound  convickshins,  holdin 
my  views  ez  to  consiliashen  and  sich,  I hed  no  call  to  go  to  the 
Postmaster-General,  who  is  a Ablishnist,  1 went  dreckly  to  the 
Second  Jaxson  hisself.  I succeeded  in  gettin  a audience  late 
in  the  afternoon.  Our  patron  saint  wuz  a sittin  at  a table, 
exsausted  with  receevin  delegashens  and  sich. 

Well,”  sed  he. 

“ Honerd  and  spected  sir,”  said  I,  I am  a applicant  for  the 
post  orfis  at  Confedrit  X Roads,  wich  is  at  present  held  by  a 
Ablishnist  who  does  not  beleeve  in  yoor  policy,  wich  I do  be- 
leeve  in  solemnly.  Spected  and  honered  sir,”  sed  1,  ef  I shood 
have  twins  born  to  me  this  nite,  I shood  name  em  both  Policy.” 
Wich  State  are  yoo  from  ? ” sed  he,  half  asleep. 

From  Kentucky,  honered  and  spected  sir,”  sed  I. 

“ Well,”  sed  he,  yawnin  feerfully,  and  turnin  to  a clerk. 
Fill  out  a pardon,  and  give  him  a commission  ! ” 

Honered  and  spected  sir,”  sed  I,  in  a fit  uv  loonacy  for 
wich  I can’t  account,  I don’t  need  a pardon.  I wuz  never  in 
the  late  lamented  Confedrit  servis.” 

‘‘  What’n  thunder,  then,  are  yoo  here  for,  beggin  a post  offis  ? 
Git  out,  yoo  imposter ! ” and  I wuz  to-wunst  ignominiously 
showmd  to  the  door.  I didn’t  quite  understand  the  lay  uv  the 
land  around  the  White  House. 

In  vane  I tried  to  git  back,  that  I might  convince  him  I did 
ez  much  for  the  Confederacy  ez  my  humble  abilities  permitted, 
and  that  I needed  consiliatin  ez  badly  ez  anybody.  Then,  hart 
broke  and  dead  broke,  not  hevin  the  wherewith  to  prokoor  more 
sootable  lodgin,  I lay  me  down  on  the  cold  stun  steps,  and 
sought  refuge  from  my  troubles  in  sleep. 

I dreemed  a dream.  Methawt  I wuz  in  a room  in  the  White 
House.  Stretched  out  on  one  side  uv  the  room  wuz  the 
corpse  uv  a giant,  a monster  in  size  and  strength,  but  withal 
uv  pleasin  presence,  and  fair  to  look  upon.  Onto  its  head  wuz 
a liberty  cap,  and  by  its  side  wuz  a sword,  considerably  dinted, 
and  with  all  the  gildin  knocked  off. 

Wat  is  these  ? ” sed  I,  pointin  to  the  corpse,  askin  a sort  uv 
a attendant. 


17 


258 


DIVIDING  THE  RAIMENT. 


“ Them/’  replied  he,  “ is  the  defunct  carcass  uv  Republi- 
kinism.  He  wuz  a hefty  yooth  in  his  day,  but  he  died  this 
mornin.  Look  ! the  mourners  are  a comin  to  divide  his 
clothes.” 

And  shoor  enuff,  they  came  in.  At  the  head  wuz  the  second 
Jaxson,  which  the  Ablishnists  derisively  call  Moses,  who  ap- 
peared to  be  angry,  and  dost  behind  him  wuz  Seward,  a 
weepin  out  uv  one  eye,  and  a smilin  out  uv  tother,  and  Jim 
Lane,  who  hed  a handkercher  wich  he  occasionally  put  to  his 
eyes,  but  wich  I notist  wuz  ez  dry  ez  a lime  kiln,  and  Doolittle, 
and  Lee,  and  Raymond,  and  Beauregard,  and  Cowan,  and 
Stephens,  and  Thurlow  Weed,  and  Vallandigham,  and  Gover- 
nor Sharkey,  and  a host  uv  others,  all  uv  wich  ranged  their- 
selves  around  the  bier. 

He  wuz  a promisin  yooth,”  sed  Seward,  a puttin  his  hand- 
kercher to  his  eyes,  but  the  atmosphere  uv  the  White  House 
wuz  too  much  for  him.  I insist,  however,”  sed  he,  a pocketin 
the  handkercher,  and  takin  hold  uv  a trinket  the  corpse  held  in 
his  hand,  labelled,  ‘‘Presidency,  1868,”  from  wich  hung  more’n 
a million  uv  smaller  trinkets,  “ that  ez  ’twas  me  that  pizened 
him,  this  is  mine.” 

“ Nary,”  sed  Johnson ; “ I did  the  bizness  for  him,  and  it’s 
mine.” 

“ Settle  it  ez  yoo  please,”  sed  Raymond,  gently,  “ but  who- 
ever gits  it  must  remember  that  this  Secretaryship  is  mine.” 

“ And  I,”  sed  Doolittle,  “ must  hev,  for  my  assistance,  this 
little  affair  marked  ‘ St.  James,’  for  my  seat  in  the  Senate  is  a 
goner.” 

“ For  my  part,”  sed  Jim  Lane,  “the  Western  appointment  is 
mine.  It’s  worth  em  all  to  wear  this  collar.” 

“ My  friends,”  sed  Stephens,  “ I find  no  amnesty  about  the 
corpse.  There  must  be  one  manufactured  and  stuck  in  his 
pocket,  to  be  prodoost  at  the  funeral.” 

Thurlow  Weed  sed  nothin,  but  looked  on  Avith  a sardonic 
smile,  knowin  perfectly  well  that  whoever  took  the  plunder, 
he’d  control  it,  any  way. 

Governor  Sharkey  laid  claim  to  a Secretaryship,  and  Bore- 
gard  to  the  place  uv  Sherman,  and  Lee  to  Grant’s  position, 
and  Vallandigham  wanted  this,  and  tother  feller  that,  and  there 


THE  STRUGGLE  OVER  THE  PLUNDER. 


259 


wuz  a terrible  hubbub  over  the  corpse.  Wilkes  Booth’s  gost 
came  in,  and  wanted  to  know  what  he  wuz  to  hev  in  the  new 
deal,  for,”  sed  he,  ef’t  hadn’t  bin  for  me,  where’d  yoo  all 
hev  bin  ? Talk  uv  the  White  House  atmosphere  killin  him ! 
I’m  sure  the  shadder  uv  the  buildin  blasted  what  little  uv  his 
spirit  yoo  bed,”  sed  he,  a turnin  to  Seward,  but  ef  Linkin  bed 
lived,  ba,  ha  ! ” sed  he,  in  a tragedy  voice.  Then  in  trooped 
a lot  uv  other  gosts.  There  wuz  Bill  Allen,  uv  Ohio,  and 
Washington  Hunt,  uv  Noo  York,  and  deems  Bookannan,  uv 
Pennsylvania,  and  Lew.  Campbell,  and  Garret  Davis,,  who 
started  to  make  a speech,  but  the  entire  assemblage  stuck 
their  fingers  in  their  ears,  wich  hint  he  took  for  the  first 
time  in  his  life  and  desisted. 

Finally  Jobnson  swore  ‘^by  tbe  eternal  ” (he  got  that  noshu^^ 
from  tbe  first  A.  J.,  wich  he  thinks  he  resembles,  coz  his  initials 
is  the  same,  and  coz  the  original  vetoed  a bill  wunst)  that 
he  wood  hev  the  Presidency,  and  gobbled  it.  Seward,  he 
snatched  at  it,  and  they  tussled.  The  company  stood  by  to  see 
it  out,  fwT  it  made  but  little  difference  to  them  wich  got  it. 
In  tbe  skrimage  Jobnson  happened  to  ram  Seward  up  agin  a 
window  on  the  north  side  uv  the  room  and  smashed  it  out. 
Jest  then  a blast  uv  north  wind  poured  into  the  room  through 
the  aperture,  and  blowed  onto  the  face  uv  the  corpse.  The 
effect  was  electrikle.  Life  ran  through  his  veins,  his  face 
flushed,  and  the  livid  bue  was  changed  to  the  ruddy  glow  uv 
health.  Tbe  dead  wuz  alive  ; tbe  giant  raised  to  bis  feet,  and 
looked  around  him,  sbakin  off  the*m  ez  wuz  a hangin  to  him 
like  insex.  Noticin  tbe  trinket  wich  hed  caused  tbe  skrimage 
in  Jobnson’s  hand,  he  took  him  by  the  neck,  and  twistin  it  out 
uv  his  hand,  flung  him  gently  through  the  winder.  I ain’t 
made  up  my  mind  who  to  give  this  to,  but  yoo  bet  it  ain’t 
you,”  sed  he. 

“ Willyum,”  sed  he,  turnin  to  Seward,  I’m  surprised  at  yoo. 
Wuz  this  bauble  the  price  uvyoor  honesty  and  yoor  principle? 
Go,  Willyum  ! Ez  for  yoo,  Doolittle,  yoo  never  wuz  haJf  baked  ; 
yoo,  Tburlow,  put  Raymond  in  yoor  vest  pocket,  and  quit  the 
presence.  Yoo,  Jim  Lane,  I leave  to  the  tender  mercies  uv 
my  friends  in  Kansas.  Clear  out  tbe  balance  uv  this  rabble, 
and  send  for  my  friends.  I’ve  bin  pizened,  and  smothered,  and 


260 


A KENTUCKY  TEA  PARTY. 


stunk  nigh  to  death.  Clear  out  the  house,  and  sweep  it,  and 
sprinkle  chloride  uv  lime,  and  sich,  all  over  it.  Shut  down  them 
Southern  windows,  and  open  those  on  the  North,  East,  and 
West  sides.  I want  a snuff  uv  fresh  air,  for  I — 

At  this  pint  I awoke,  and  found  myself,  not  in  the  White 
House,  but  on  the  steps  thereof,  cold  and  shiverin.  In  my 
pocket  wuz  the  papers  wich  didn’t  get  me  the  post  orfis  I wuz 
seekin,  and  in  my  mind  wuz  chaotic  confusion.  Wuz  the 
dream  prophetic,  or  wuz  it  merely  a vagary  uv  the  mind,  wich, 
wen  loosed  from  its  clay,  sores  off  onto  its  own  hook,  without 
any  restraint.  Is  the  giant  Republican  actually  dead,  or  is  he 
in  a trance  ? Will  it  arise,  and  scatter  them  ez  hez  appinted 
themselves  administrators  uv  its  estate,  and  wich  are  beginnin 
to  divide  the  assets,  or  will  he  stay  ded?  Wood,  0 wood  that 
I knowed  ! 

Petroleum-  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


c. 

A KENTUCKY  TEA  PARTY. 

CoNFEDEiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  i 

April  1,  1866.  5 

Charles  Sumner  is  not  a very  popular  man  in  this  section 
uv  Kentucky ; on  the  contrary,  quite  reverse.  He  is  known 
here  ez  an  Ablishnist ; ez  one  who  is  a chief  supporter  uv  that 
hidjus  sin  — the  infidelity,  I may  say,  for  a man  may  ez  well 
deny  the  whole  Bible  ez  to  cast  discredit  upon  Onesimus, 
Hagar,  and  Ham,  onto  wich  the  whole  system  uv  Afrikin 
slavery  rests  — the  originator,  therefore,  uv  the  infidle  beleef 
that  Slavery  is  not  uv  divine  origin,  wich,  judgin  from  the  ex- 
perience uv  the  last  five  years,  appears  to  be  gainin  ground  in 
the  North.  He  is  not,  therefore,  popular  in  this  region. 

The  poor  whites  at  the  South  were  made  to  believe  that  Hannibal  Hamlin 
was  a mulatto,  and  that  Charles  Sumner  married  a negress.  The  opinion  held 
by  this  class  of  Mr.  Sumner  is  fairly  stated  in  the  text. 


THE  SOUTHERN  IDEA  OF  SUMNER. 


261 


Yisterday  I attendid  a tea  party  at  Deekin  Pogram’s,  to 
wich  the  elite  uv  the  Corners  wuz  present,  incloodin  an  lllinoy 
store-keeper  uv  the  name  uv  Pollock,  wich  hed  bin  invited  be- 
cause the  Deekin  hed,  some  three  months  ago,  bought  a bill  uv 
goods  uv  him  on  ninety  days’  time,  and  wantid  an  extension. 
While  at  the  table  enjoy  in  the 


“ Cup  wich  cheers,  but  don’t  intoxicate  very  much,” 

• 

ez  Dryden  hez  it  (tho  I bleeve,  to  keep  off  chills,  in  this  coun- 
try, they  mix  three  and  a half  parts  uv  whiskey  to  one  uv  tea), 
the  name  uv  Sumner  wuz  mentioned. 

Mrs.  Pogram  to-wunst  remarked  that  she  didn’t  want  the 
name  uv  that  ojus  creecher  spoken  at  her  table. 

Why  ? ” sed  T,  gratified  at  the  ebulition. 

I hate  him ! ” sed  she,  spitefully. 

“ So  do  I,”  replied  I ; but  what  hev  yoo  agin  him,  aside 
from  his  obnoxious  political  opinions  ? ” 

‘^Didn’t  he  marry  a nigger?”  sed  Mrs.  P.,  triumphantly. 

Didn’t  he  marry  a nigger  — a full-blooded  nigger  ? and  hezn’t 
he  hed  nineteen  yaller  children,  every  one  uv  wich  he  com- 
pelled, agin  their  will,  to  marry  full-blooded  niggers  ? Didn’t 
he  — ?” 

“ Mrs.  P.,”  sed  this  lllinoy  store-keeper,  wich  his  name  it 
wuz  Pollock,  do  yoo  object  to  miscegenation  ? ” 

Missee  — what  ? ” replied  she,  struck  all  uv  a heap  at  the 
word. 

Miscegenation  — amalgamation  — marryin  whites  with  nig- 
gers.” 

Do  I ? ” retorted  she  ; ketch  a son  uv  mine  marryin  a 
nigger  ! They  are  another  race  ; they’r  beasts ; and  who’d 
marry  em  but  jist  sich  men  ez  Sumner  and  them  other  Ablish- 
nists  ? ” 

Then  permit  me  to  ask,”  sed  this  Pollock,  wich  wuz  bound 
to  kick  up  a muss,  ef  ther’s  any  race  uv  pure  blood  in  this 
section  uv  Kentucky  wich  is  yaller  ? ” 

No  ! uv  course  not,”  sed  Mrs.  P. ; them  yaller  people  is 
mulatters  — half  nigger,  half  white.” 

And  them  ez  is  quite  white  — not  quite,  but  nearly  so  — 


262 


5- 


POLLOCK  THE  DISTURBER. 


about  the  color  uv  a new  saddle,  like  Jane,  there,’’  sed  he,  pintiii 
to  a octoroon  girl  uv  18  wich  used  to  belong  to  the  Deekin  afore 
the  isshooin  uv  the  infernal  proclamashen,  like  Jane,  there, 
wich  is  waitin  on  the  Deekin,  and  — but,  good  Lord  ! ” sed  he, 
startin  up  like  a tragedian. 

“ Wat ! ” shouted  the  company,  all  startin  up. 

Nothin,”  sed  he:  “ only,  now  that  Jane’s  face  is  in  range 
with  the  Deekin’s,  wat  a Avonderful  resemblance  ! She  hez  the 
Ppgram  nose  and  ginral  outline  uv  face  ; not  Mrs.  P.’s  angu- 
larity, but  the  Deekin  all  oVer.  My  deer  sir,”  sed  he,  addressin 
the  Deekin,  ef  she  wuzn’t  a quadroon,  I shood  say  she  looks 
enough  like  yoo  to  be  yoor  daughter,  by  a first  wife,  I shood 
say,  for  she  hez  not,  ez  I remarked,  Mrs.  P.’s  angularity  and 
gineral  bonenis  ; but  uv  course,  she  bein  a part  nigger,  the 
resemblance  may  be  sot  down  ez-a-very-remarkable-coinci- 
dence  ! ” 

The  Deekin  turned  ez  white  ez  a sheet,  and  Mrs.  Pogram 
turned  ez  red  ez  a biled  lobster,  from  wich  I inferred  that  there 
Avuz  trooth  in  a rumor  I had  heard  about  the  Deekin  and  his 
wife  hevin  a misunderstandin  about  a nigger  woman  and  her 
baby,  about  18  years  ago,  wich  resulted  in  his  bein  made  bald- 
headed  in  less  than  a minute,  and  the  baby’s  mother  being  sold 
South.  The  Illinoy  store-keeper,  uv  the  name  uv  Pollock,  re- 
soomed : — 

I wuz  about  askin  wat  them  niggers  is,  ez  is  nearly 
Avhite  ? ” 

Why,  ‘they’r  octoroons,  or  seven-eights  white,”  sed  Mrs. 
Pogram. 

And  no  Kentuckian  ever  marries  a nigger  ? ” inquired  the 
store-keeper,  who  I saw  wuz  pursooin  his  investigations  alto- 
gether too  far. 

Never  ! ” sed  Mrs.  Pogram  ; we  leave  that  to  Ablishnists.” 

Well,  then,”  sed  this  Pollock,  who,  I spect,  Avuzn’t  half  so 
innsent  ez  he  let  on,  I see  that  yoo  hev  no  objection  to  mixin 
with  the  nigger,  providin  yoo  don’t  do  it  legally  ; that  amalga- 
mashen  don’t  hurt  notliin,  pervidin  yoo  temper  it  Avith  adultery. 
Is  that  the  idee,  Mrs.  Pogram  ? ” 

Mrs.  P.  Avuz  mad,  and  made  no  reply,  and  Pollock  persood 
the  subjick. 


A DEMOCRATIC  INTERPRETATION. 


263 


Jane  there,  is,  I take  it,  about  one  eighth  nigger.  She  got 
her  white  blood  from  whites,  uv^  course  ; and  ez  there  coodent 
be  no  marryin  in  the  biznis,  there  is  proof  positive  in  her  face 
that  the  8th  commandment  hez  bin  violated  about  four  times 
somewhere  in  this  vicinity,  or  wherever  her  maternal  ancestors, 
on  her  mother’s  side,  may  hev  resided.  What  do  yoo  think 
about  it,  Deekin?  Ez  a Christian,  woodent  it  be  better  to 
marry  em  than  to  add  a violation  uv  the  commandment  to 
the  sin  uv  amalgamashen  ? It  wood  redoose  yoor  load  jest  a 
half.” 

The  Deekin  wuz  too  indignant  to  reply,  and  ez  it  involved  a 
pint  altogether  too  hefty  for  his  limited  intelleck,  I took  it  up. 

My  dear  sir,”  I remarked,  yoo  don’t  make  the  proper  dis- 
tinction, or,  rather,  yoo  don’t  appreciate  the  subjick  at  all. 
The  nigger  here  sustains  only  one  character  with  us,  — that 
uv  a inferior  bein,  the  slave  uv  the  hawty  Caucashen,  uv  whom 
we  are  the  noblest  specimens  ; that  is,  the  Deekin  is,  he  bein  a 
Southerner.  I unfortunately  wuz  born  in  the  North,  and  am  a 
hawty  Caucashen  only  by  adoption.  To  marry  a nigger  wood 
be  to  destroy  our  idea  uv  sooperiority,  for  we  marry  only  our 
ekals.  The  intercourse  with  em,  the  results  uv  wich  yoo  see 
indications,  bein  outside  uv  the  pale  uv  matrimony,  is  not,  ez 
yoo  wood  suppose,  the  result  uv  unbridled  licentiousnis,  but  is 
merely  the  assertion  uv  our  superiority.  When  the  lordly 
Caucashen  (uv  whom  the  Deekin  is  wich)  bids  a daughter  uv 
Ham  (wich,  in  the  original  Hebrew,  signifies  the  hindquarter 
uv  a hog)  come  to  him,  and  she  doth  it  not,  he  breaks  her  head,, 
wich  inculcates  obedience.  One  is  only  a slave  indeed  when 
he  surrenders  all  his  individual  rites.  The  female  slave  cannot 
be  considered  ez  entirely  subdooed  until  she  hez  yielded  to  her 
owner  everything.  To  marry  em  wood  be  to  elevate  em  ; the 
intercourse  common  among  us  is  not  a sin,  it  bein  merely  the 
assertion  uv  that  superiority  wich  we  claim  is  founded  on  the 
Holy  Scripter.  See  Onesimus,  Hagar,  and  Ham.” 

“ Yes,”  sed  the  Deekin,  who  wuz  now  on  the  right  track; 
it’s  a assertion  uv  our  sooperiority ; it’s  a dooty  every  white 
man  owes  to  his  class,  and  I,  for  one,  Avill  alluz  — ” 

Let  me  ketch  yoo  at  it,  Gabe  Pogram,”  shouted  Mrs.  P., 
and  I’ll  give  yoo  sich  a cat  haulin  ez  yoo  never  — drat  yoor 


264 


MORE  ABOUT  SUMNER. 


sooperiority,  and  yoor  Ham,  and  yoor  Caucashen.  Niggers  is 
niggers,  and  — ” 

Noticin  that  Mrs.  Pogram  hedn’t  quite  arrived  at  the  proper 
pitch  uv  self-sacrifice,  I turned  the  discussion  onto  Sumner 
agin,  ez  a subjick  upon  vvich  they  cood  all  agree. 

I learned  that  his  father  wuz  a Dutch  grocery-keeper,  and  his 
mother  an  Irish  washer-woman ; that  he  run  away  from  home 
at  the  tender  age  uv  eight,  after  murderin,  in  cold  blood,  his 
grandparents,  one  uv  wich  wuz  a Algerine  and  tother  a 
Chinese  ; that  he  wuz  apprenticed  to  the  shoemakin  biznis,  and 
hed  cut  the  throat  uv  his  boss  and  his  wife,  and  immersed  the 
younger  children  into  a biler  uv  scaldin  water,  where  they 
were  found  mostly  dead  seven  hours  afterward ; that  he  ac- 
quired wealth  a sellin  lottry  tickets  and  brass  clocks,  et  settry. 
His  servants  wuz  redoost  Southern  gentlemen  wich  he  hed 
swindled  into  his  debt,  and  wich,  under  the  laws  uv  Massa- 
choosits,  coodent  git  away,  and  that  his  intimate  friends  and 
associates  wuz  niggers,  with  wich  he  sot  long  at  the  festive 
board,  and  drunk  champane  ; that  Lucresha  Mott  wuz  his  sister, 
Ann  Dickinson  his  daughter,  Fred  Douglas  his  half  brother, 
and  that  he  kissed,  habitually,  every  nigger  child  he  met,  and 
frowned  so  severely  onto  white  children  ez'  to  throw  em  into 
spasms,  and  other  items  uv  information  uv  wich,  livin  in  the 
North,  I wuz  ignorant.  Ez  I remarked,  he  isn’t  popular  down 
here,  and  cood  hardly  be  elected  to  Congris  from  this  Dee- 
strick.  The  tea  party  broke  up  shortly  after,  Pollock  winkin 
at  me  villainously  ez  he  left  the  house,  feelin  good  to  think 
how  he  hed  opened  a old  sore.  That  Pollock  needs  watchin. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Pastel'  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


AN  EXULTANT  STRAIN. 


265 


Cl. 

A PSALM  OF  GLADNESS.  — VETO  OF  THE  CIVIL 
EIGHTS  BILL. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

April  7,  1866.  5 

I AM  a canary,  a nightengale.  A lark,  am  I. 

I raise  my  voice  in  song.  I pour  forth  melojus  notes. 

I am  a lamb,  wich  frisketh,  and  waggeth  his  tale,  and  leapeth, 
ez  he  nippeth  the  tender  grass.  I am  a colt,  wich  kicketh  up 
its  heels  exuberantly. 

I am  a bridegroom,  wich  cometh  from  his  bride  in  the 
mornin  feelin  releeved  in  the  knowledge  that  she  wore  not 
palpitators,  nor  false  calves,  nor  nothin  false,  afore  she  wuz 
hizn. 

I am  a steamboat  captin  with  a full  load,  a doggry  keeper  on 
a Saturday  nite,  a sportin  man  with  four  aces  in  his  hand. 

All  these  am  I,  and  more. 

For  we  sought  to  establish  ourselves  upon  a rock,  but  found 
that  the  underpinnin  wuz  gone  out  uv  it. 

Even  slavery  wuz  our  strong  place,  and  our  hope  ; but  the 
corners  hed  bin  knocked  out  uv  it. 

The  sons  uv  Belial  hed  gone  forth  agin  it ; Massachoosetts 
hed  assailed  it,  and  the  North  West  hed  drawd  its  bow 
agin  it. 

Wendell  Phillips  hed  pecked  out  wun  stun.  Garret  Smith 
another ; and  the  soldiers  hed  completed  what  they  hed 
begun. 

And  Congris,  even  the  Bump,  hed  decreed  its  death,  and 
hed  held  forth  its  hand  to  Ethiopia. 

It  passed  a bill  givin  the  Niggers  their  rites,  and  takin  away 
from  us  our  rites  : 

• Sayin,  that  no  more  shel  we  sell  em  in  the  market  place. 

Or  take  their  wives  from  em. 

The  veto  of  the  Civil  Rights  Bill,  which  bill  secured  the  negro  in  his  rights 
and  made  him  really  a citizen,  occasioned  great  rejoicing  among  the  Democracy, 
North  and  South. 


266 


WHAT  SHALL  COME  TO  PASS. 


Or  be  father  to  their  children, 

Or  make  uv  em  conkebiiies  aginst  their  will, 

Or  force  em  to  toil  without  hire. 

Or  shoot  em,  ez  we  wuz  wont  to  do  under  the  old  dispen- 
sashun. 

Or  make  laws  for  em  wich  didn’t  bind  us  as  well. 

And  our  hearts  wuz  sad  in  our  buzzums ; for  we  said,  Lo  ! 
the  nigger  is  our  ekal;  and  we  mourned  ez  them  hevin  no 
hope. 

But  the  President,  even  Androo,  the  choice  uv  Booth,  said, 
Nay. 

And  the  bill  wuz  vetoed,  and  is  no  law ; and  our  hearts  is 
made  glad. 

And  from  the  Ohio  to  the  Gulf  shel  go  up  the  song  uv  glad- 
ness and  the  sounds  uv  mirth. 

The  nigger  will  we  slay,  for  he  elevated  his  horn  agin  us. 

• We  will  make  one  law  for  him  and  another  for  us,  and  he 
will  sigh  for  the  good  old  times  when  he  wuz  a slave  in 
earnest. 

His  wife  shel  be  our  conkebine,  ef  she  is  fair  to  look*  upon ; 
and  ef  he  murmurs,  we’ll  bust  his  head. 

His  daughters  shel  our  sons  possess  ; and  their  inkrease  will 
we  sell,  and  live  upon  the  price  they  bring. 

In  our  fields  they  shel  labor ; but  the  price  uv  their  toil  shel 
make  us  fat. 

Sing,  0 my  soul ! 

The  nigger  hed  become  sassy  and  impudent,  and  denied  that 
he  wuz  a servant  unto  his  brethren. 

He  sheltered  hisself  behind  the  Freedman’s  Burow,  and  the 
Civil  Bights  Bill,  and  the  soldiery,  and  he  wagged  his  lip  at  us, 
and  made  mouths  at  us. 

And  we  longed  to  git  at  him,  but  because  of  these  we  durst 
not. 

But  now  who  shel  succor  him  ? 

We  will  smite  him  hip  and  thigh,  onless  he  consents  to  be’ 
normal. 

Our  time  uv  rejoicin  is  come. 

In  Kentucky,  the  soldiers  voted,  — them  ez  wuz  clothed  in 
gray,  — and  we  routed  the  Abolishnists. 


267 


BLESSED  BE  MOSES.’’ 

Three  great  capchers  hev  we  made  : New  Orleens  we 
capcherd,  Kentucky  we  capcherd,  and  the  President  — him 
who  aforetime  strayed  from  us  — we  capcherd. 

Rejoice,  0 my  soul ! for  yoor  good  time,  wich  wuz  so  long  a 
comin,  is  come. 

We  shel  hev  Post  Offisis,  and  Collectorships,  and  Assessor- 
ships,  and  Furrin  Mishns,  and  Route  Agencies,  and  sich ; and 
on  the  proceeds  thereof  will  we  eat,  drink,  and  be  merry. 

The  great  rivers  shel  be  whisky,  the  islands  therein  sugar, 
the  streams  tributary  lemon  joose  and  bitters,  and  the  faithful 
shel  drink. 

Whisky  shel  be  cheap ; for  we  shel  hold  the  offises,  and  kin 
pay ; and  the  heart  uv  the  barkeeper  shel  be  glad. 

The  Ablishnist  shel  hang  his  hed ; and  we  will  jeer  him,  and 
flout  him,  and  say  unto  him,  Go  up,  bald  head ! ” and  no  bears 
shel  bite  us  ; for,  lo  ! the  President  is  our  rock,  and  in  him 
we  abide. 

Blessed  be  Booth,  who  give  us  Androo. 

Blessed  be  the  veto,  wich  makes  the  deed  uv  Booth  uv  sum 
account  to  us. 

Blessed  be  Moses,  who  is  a leadin  us  out  uv  the  wilderness, 
^into  the  Canaan  flowin  with  milk  and  honey. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


CII. 

A CRY  OF  EXULTATION.  — A GLEAM  OF  LIGHT. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

April  2,  1866.  5 

Kin  it  be  ? Is  it  troo,  or  is  it  not  troo?  Is  Androo  Johnson 
all  my  fancy  painted  him,  or  is  he  still  a heaven-defying  perse- 
kooter  uv  the  Democratic  Saints?  That’s  wat  I and  some 

The  moment  President  Johnson  proclaimed  the  war  at  an  end,  several  of  the 
Southern  States  enacted  laws  for  the  government  of  the  negro  scarcely  less 
oppressive  and  absurd  than  those  suggested  by  Mr.  Nasby. 


268 


THE  PARABLE  OP  THE  EEL. 


thousands  uv  waitin  souls  wood  go  suthin  handsome  to  know. 
I confess  I never  quite  lost  faith  in  Androo.  Pro-slavery 
Democracy  sticks  to  a man  ez  does  the  odor  uv  the  gentle 
skunk  to  clothes,  and  it  is  got  rid  uv  only  by  the  same  means, 
to-wit,  buryin  the  victim  thereof. 

Androo  started  out  to  be  a Moses,  and  he  is  one  ; but  I think 
he’s  changed  his  Israelites.  I onst  saw  a woman  skinnin  live 
eels,  and  I reproached  her,  sayin,  Woman,  why  skinnest 
thou  eels  alive  ? Doth  it  not  pain  em  ? ” 

Nary  ! ” retorted  she.  I’ve  skinned  em  this  way  for  going- 
on  to  twenty  years,  and  they’re  used  to  it.” 

Even  so.  The  negroes  hev  bin  in  bondage  so  long  that 
they’re  used  to  it,  and  Androo  feelin  a call  to  continue  in 
the  Moses  bizniss,  hez,  I hope,  turned  his  attention  to  the 
Dimocrisy.  It’s  us  he’s  a-goin  to  lead  up  out  uv  the  Egypt 
uv  wretchedness  we’ve  bin  in  for  nearly  five  years;  it’s  us 
that’s  a-goin  to  quit  brick  making  without  straw,  and  go  up 
into  the  Canaan  wich  is  runnin  with  the  milk  and  honey  uv 
jDublic  patronage.  We  shel  hev  sumfites  : there’s  Amakelitish 
post  masters  and  Phillistine  collectors  to  displace,  but  with  a 
second  Jaxon  at  our  hed  what  can  we  fear  ? 

I feel  to-night  like  a young  colt.  To  me  it  seems  ez  though 
my  venerable  locks,  wich  hangs  scantily  about  my  temples, 
hed  grown  black  agin,  and  that  my  youth  wuz  returnin.  Ef  I 
hed  any  notion  uv  sooicide,  that  idea  is  dismist.  I’m  young 
agin.  Wat  hez  worked  this  change?  yoo  ask.  It’s  the  proc- 
lamation declarin  the  war  at  an  end,  and  withdrawin  from  the 
Dimocratic  States  the  odious  hirelins  uv  the  tyrant  Linkin,  and 
the  doin  away  uv  that  terrible  marshal  law.  That’s  wat’s  done 
it  for  me.  Now  I feel  like  sayin,  with  one  uv  old,  “ Mine  eyes 
hev  seed  thy  glory  ; let  thy  servant  depart  in  peace.” 

We  hev  bin  dooly  subjoogated  some  time,  and  a waitin  for 
this.  We  wantid  it,  and  longed  for  it  ez  the  hart  does  for  the 
water  course,  and  considerably  more,  onless  the  hart  wuz 
thirsty  in  the  extreme.  For  now  we  are  in  the  Union  agin ; 
we  are  under  the  shadder  uv  that  glorious  old  flag  wich 
protects  all  men  ceptin  niggers  and  Ablishnists.  The  nigger 
is  left  to  be  adjustid  by  us,  who  is  to  be  governed  by  the  laws 
wich  control  labor  and  capital.  Certainly  he  is  — uv  coarse. 


THE  PROCESS  OF  RECONSTRUCTION. 


269 


I saw  two  uv  my  neighbors  adjustin  one  last  nite.  They  wuz 
doin  it  with  a paddle,  wich  wuz  bored  full  uv  holes.  He  didn’t 
seem  to  enjoy  it  ez  much  ez  they  did.  By  that  proclamation 
our  states  are  agin  under  their  own  control.  Let  em  go  at 
wunst  to  work  to  destroy  all  the  vestiges  uv  the  crooel  war 
through  wich  they  hev  past.  There  ain’t  no  soldiers  now  to 
interfere,  for  the  policy  uv  keepin  soldiers  in  and  among  free 
people  is  abhorrent  to  freedom  and  humanity.  Go  to  work  at 
wunst,  and  build  up  the  broken  walls  uv  }^our  Zion. 

We  must  hev  Peace  and  unanimity  ; and  Peace  cannot  dwell 
among  us  onless  there’s  a oneness  uv  purpose  and  sentiment. 
To  prokoor  this  is  yoor  fust  dooty.  If  there  be  among  you 
them  ez  opposed  yoo  doorin  yoor  late  struggle  for  Bites,  hist 
em.  Their  presence  is  irritatin,  and  kin  not  be  tolerated. 
Ablishnism  is  as  abhorrent  now  as  ever,  and  the  sooner  yoo  are 
rid  uv  it  the  better.  It  is  safe  to  assume  that  every  man  who 
opposed  the  lately  deceased  Confedracy  is  a Ablishnist. 

» The  next  step,  and  the  most  important,  is  to  tear  down  the 
nigger  school-houses’  and  churches  wich  hev  bin  built  here 
and  there,  and  kindly  take  the  nigger  by  the  ear,  and  lead  him 
back  to  his  old  quarters,  wich  is  his  normal  position.  The 
Yankee  school  teachers  sent  here  by  Freedmen’s  Aid  Societies 
shood  properly  be  hung  for  spreadin  dissatisfaction  and  spellin 
books  among  the  niggers,  but  I wood  advise  mercy  and  con- 
ciliation. Tar  and  featherin,  with  whippins,  will  perhaps  do  ez 
well,  and  will  go  to  show  the  world  that  our  justice  is  tempered 
with  charity  ; that  we  kin  be  generous  ez  well  ez  just.  Yoor 
Legislatures  shood  be  instantly  called  together,  and  proper 
laws  for  the  government  uv  the  Freedmen  should  be  passed. 
Slavery  is  abolisht,  and  the  people  must  live  up  to  the  require- 
ments of  the  act  in  good  faith.  I protest  agin  any  violation 
uv  good  faith,  but  labor  must  be  done,  for  the  skripter  com- 
mands it,  and  our  frail  nature  demands  wat  can’t  be  got  without 
it.  We  don’t  like  to  do  it,  but  shel  skripter  be  violated  ? Not 
at  all.  The  nigger  must  do  it  hisself,  not  ez  a slave,  for  slavery 
is  abolished,  but  ez  a free  man.  Ethiopian  citizens  uv  Ameri- 
kin  descent  (wich  is  mulatters),  and  full-blooded  blacks,  and  all 
hevin  in  the  veins  a taint  uv  Afrikin  blood,  must  be  restrained 
gently,  and  for  their  own  good  I suggest  laws  ez  follows : — 


270 


A KENTUCKY  CODE. 


1.  They  must  never  leave  the  plantation  onto  wich  they  are, 
when  this  act  goes  into  effect,  without  a pass  from  the  em- 
ployer, under  penalty  uv  bein  shot. 

2.  They  shel  hev  the  privilege  uv  suein  everybody  uv  their 
own  color,  ef  they  kin  give  white  bail  for  costs. 

3.  They  shel  hev  the  full  privilege  uv  bein  sued  the  same 
ez  white  folks. 

^ 4.  They  shel  be  competent  ez  witnesses  in  cases  in  wich 
they  are  not  interested,  but  their  testimony  is  to  go  for  nothin 
ef  it  is  opposed  by  the  testimony  uv  a white  man  or  another 
nigger. 

5.  No  nigger  shel  be  allowed  to  buy  or  lease  real  estate  out- 
side uv  any  incorporated  city,  town,  or  village. 

6.  No  nigger  shel  be  allowed  to  buy  or  lease  real  estate 
within  any  incorporated  city,  town,  or  village,  except  as  herein- 
after provided  for,  to  wdt : — He  shel  give  notice  uv  his  desires 
by  publication  for  six  consecutive  weeks  in  some  newspaper 
uv  general  circulation  in  sed  village,  for  wich  publication  he 
shel  pay  invariably  in  advance.  He  shel  then  give  bonds,  in 
sich  sums  ez  the  mayor  shel  decide,  that  neither  he,  nor  any  uv 
his  ancestors,  or  descendants,  or  relations,  will  ever  become 
public  charges,  and  will  always  behave  themselves  wdth  due 
humility,  the  bondsmen  to  be  white  men  and  freeholders.  Then 
the  mayor  shel  cause  a election  to  be  proclaimed,  and  if  the 
free  wdiite  citizens  shel  vote  “ yea  ” unanimously,  he  shel  be 
allowed  to  buy  or  lease  real  estate.  If  there  is  a dissenting 
vote,  then  he  shel  be  put  onto  the  chain  gang  for  six  months 
for  his  impudence  in  makin  sich  a request. 

7.  Their  wages  shel  be  sich  ez  they  and  the  employers  shel 
mutually  agree  ; but  that  the  negroes  may  not  become  luxurious 
and  effeminate,  wich  two  things  is  vices  wich  goes  to  sap  the 
simplicity  and  strength  uv  a people,  the  sum  shel  never  exceed 
$5  per  month,  but  not  less  than  enuff  in  ail  cases  to  buy  him 
one  soot  uv  clothes  per  annum,  wich  the  employer  shel  pur- 
chase hisself. 

8.  The  master  shel  hev  the  privilege  uv  addin  to  this  code 
sich  other  rules  and  regulations  for  their  proper  government 
ez  may  strike  him  ez  being  good  for  em  from  time  to  time. 

These  provisions  secure  the  nigger  in  all  the  rites  wich  kin 


A STRIKING  TABLEAU. 


271 


reasonably  be  asked  for  him^  just  elevated  ez  be  is  from  slavery, 
and  thrown  upon  the  world,  ignorant  of  the  duties  of  his  new 
position  and  status.  He  is  simple,  and  needs  the  gnidin  hand 
uv  the  stronger  race. 

My  hart  is  too  full  to  make  further  suggestions.  Organized 
into  a tabloo,  with  the  constitooshun  in  one  hand  (wich  beloved 
instrument  kivers  a great  deal  uv  ground),  a star-spangled 
banner  in  the  other,  and  a tramplin  on  a bloo  coat  wich  I stript 
ofiP  uv  a returned  nigger  soldier  wich  wuz  sick,  I exultinly  ex- 
claim, The  Union  ez  it  is  is  ez  good  ez  the  Union  ez  it  wuz. 
’Eor  ! 


Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


cm. 

A WAIL  OF  ANGUISH.  — THE  PASSAGE  OF  THE 
CIVIL  EIGHTS  BILL  OYEE  THE  VETO. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

April  9,  18G6.  > 

1 AM  a kittle  full  of  cusses. 

Lender  me  is  a burnin  fire  uv  rage,  wich  is  bein  continually 
fed  with  the  oil  uv  disappointment. 

And  I bile  over. 

The  civil  rites  bill,  wich  our  Closes  put  his  foot  onto,  we 
thought  wuz  dead. 

And  we  fired  great  guns,  and  hung  out  our  flags,  wich  we 
laid  aside  in  1860,  and  made  a joyful  noise. 

For  we  said,  one  unto  another,  Lo ! he  is  a true  Moses,  inas- 
much ez  he  is  a leadin  us  out  uv  the  wilderness. 


In  a speech  in  1866  President  Johnson  claimed  to  have  been  the  “ Moses”  of 
the  negro,  as  he  had  been  instrumental  in  leading  him  out  of  bondage.  The 
name  clung  to  him  during  his  official  life.  The  passage  of  the  Civil  Rights  bill 
over  the  President’s  veto  destroyed  tlie  hopes  of  those  who  expected  to  keep 
the  freedmen  in  a state  of  semi-bondage. 


272 


THE  AMERICAN  MOSES. 


The  civil  rites  bill  wuz  the  serpent  wat  bit  ns,  and  he  histed 
it,  that  we  might  look  and  live. 

Now  let  us  be  joyful ! 

For  the  Ethiopian  is  delivered  into  our  hands,  bound  hand 
and  foot. 

Blessed  be  Moses  ! 

We  will  make  him  grind  our  corn;  but  he  shel  not  eat 
thereof. 

Blessed  be  Moses ! 

We  will  make  him  tread  out  our  wheat ; but  we  will  muzzle 
his  mouth. 

Blessed  be  Moses  ! 

He  shall  pick  our  cotton  ; but  the  hire  he  receiveth,  he  shall 
stick  in  his  eye  without  injuring  the  sight  thereof. 

Blessed  be  Moses  ! 

He  shall  toil  in  the  sugar  mill ; but  the  sugar  shall  he  not 
sell. 

Blessed  be  Moses  ! 

His  sweat  shall  nourish  our  corn  ; but  he  shall  eat  nary  ear 
thereof 

Blessed  be  Moses  ! 

We  will  burn  his  school  houses,  and  destroy  his  spellin 
books  (for  shall  the  nigger  be  our  superior?),  and  who  shall 
stay  our  hand  ? 

The  school  teachers  we  will  tar  and  feather,  and  whar  is  the 
bloo-coated  hirelins  to  make  us  afeerd  ? 

Blessed  be  Moses  ! 

We  looked  at  the  nigger,  and  said,  Ha,  ha ! the  last  state  uv 
that  chattle  is  wuss  nor  the  fust ; for  before,  we  hed  his  labor 
while  he  wuz  strong  and  healthy,  but  hed  to  take  care  on  him 
when  he  wuz  sick  and  old  ; and  now  we  kin  git  his  labor  with- 
out the  care. 

Blessed  be  Moses  ! 

The  Ablishnists  cast  out  one  devil,  and  garnished  the  room ; 
but  there  wuz  seven  devils  more  stronger  and  hungrier,  which 
rushed  in  and  pre-empted  the  premises. 

Blessed  be  Moses  ! 

But  our  song  uv  joy  wuz  turned  into  a wale  uv  anguish. 

Moses  sought  to  hist  the  serpent,  but  the  serpent  histed  him. 


EFFECT  OF  CIVIL  RIGHTS  BILL. 


273 


He’s  on  a pole,  and  the  bitin  North  wind  is  a blowin  onto  him. 

He  can’t  get  np  any  higher,  because  his  pole  ain’t  any 
longer ; and  he  can’t  get  down,  because  he  ain’t  no  place  to 
light  onto. 

He  vetoed  the  bills,  and  Congress  hez  vetoed  him ; the  civil 
rights  bill  they  passed  in  a uncivil  manner. 

Now,  bein  the  nigger  hez  rights,  he  is  our  ekal. 

Our  ekil  is  the  nigger  now,  and  onless  the  skool  houses  is 
burned,  and  the  spellin  books  destroyed,  he  will  soon  be  our 
superior. 

We  wuz  willin  to  give  him  the  right  uv  bein  sued  ; but,  alas  ! 
he  kin  sue.  ^ 

He  kin  be  a witness  agin  us,  and  he  kin  set  his  face  agin 
ourn. 

Our  wise  men  may  make  laws  to  keep  him  in  his  normal 
speer,  but  uv  wat  avail  is  they  ? 

We  kin  buy  and  sell  him  no  more,  neither  he  nor  his  chil- 
dren. 

The  men  will  cleave  unto  their  wives,  and  the  wives  unto 
their  husbands,  and  our  hand  is  powerlis  to  separate  em. 

Their  children  kin  we  no  more  put  up  at  auction,  and  sell  to 
the  highest  bidder,  we  pocketing  joyfully  the  price  thereof. 

They  hev  become  sassy  and  impudent,  and  say,  Go  to ; are 
we  not  men  ? ” 

I bade  one  git  off  the  sidewalk,  and  he  bade  me  be  damned. 

I chucked  a nearly  white  one  under  the  chin,  and  smiled 
onto  her,  and  she  squawked;  and  her  husband,  hearing  the 
squawk  thereof,  came  up  and  bustid  my  head,  even  ez  a white 
man  wood  hev  dun. 

I chastised  wun  who  gave  me  lip ; and  he  sood  me,  a Cauca- 
shun,  for  assault  and  battery,  and  ^got  a judgment ! 

Wale  ! for  Moses  put  out  his  hand  to  save  us  these  indigni- 
ties, but  his  hand  wuz  too  weak. 

We  killed  Linkin  in  vain. 

Our  Moses  is  playin  Jaxson.  He  fancieth  he  resembleth  him,, 
becoz  his  inishals  is  the  same. 

He  resembleth  Jaxon  muchly  — in  that  Jaxon  hed  a policy 
wich  he  cood  carry  out,  while  our  Moses  hez  a policy  wich  he 
can’t  carry  out. 

18 


274 


GLOOMY  PROSPECT. 


And  ez  he  can’t  carry  out  his  policy^  the  people  are  carryin 
it  out  for  him. 

Wich  they  do,  a holdin  it  at  arm’s  length,  and  holdin  their 
noses. 

Moses  is  a cake  half  baked ; he  is  hot  on  one  side,  and  cold 
on  tother. 

He  darsn’t  let  go  uv  Ablishnism,  and  is  afeerd  to  come 
to  us. 

He  hez  been  takin  epsom  salts  and  ipecac ; and  one  is  workin 
up,  and  the  other  is  workin  down. 

Where  kin  we  look  for  comfort  ? 

Do  we  turn  to  the  people  ? Connecticut  answers,  ’Ror  for 
Hawley ! ” and  Noo  Hampshere  goes  Ablishun. 

Do  we  turn  to  the  courts  ? Lo  ! Taney  hez  gone  to  his  re- 
ward - — him  who  aforetime  dealt  out  Dimekratic  justice,  and 
who  understood  the  nacher  uv  the  nigger,  — and  Chase,  who 
is  pizen,  reigns  in  his  stead. 

Raymond  is  growin  weak  in  the  knees,  and  Doolittle  is  a 
broken  reed  on  which  to  lean. 

We  are  too  short  at  both  ends. 

Shall  we  go  to  Brazil  ? Lo  I there  they  put  niggers  in 
office. 

Mexico  holds  out  her  hands  to  us ; but,  lo  I the  nigger  is 
considered  a man. 

We  hev  no  escape  from  the  Ethiopian ; he  is  around  us,  and 
about  us,  and  on  top  uv  us. 

I see  no  post  orfis  in  the  distance,  no  hope  for  the  future. 

Hed  I bin  a Ablishinist,  so  ez  to  make  the  thing  safe  in  the 
next  world,  I shood  be  glad  to  die,  and  quit  this. 

For  my  sole  is  pregnant  with  grief;  my  hart  bugs  out 
with  woe. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


THE  USELESS  CURSE. 


275 


CIV. 

MOUENFUL  VIEW  OF  THE  SITUATION. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

April  26,  1866.  \ 

The  work  uv  death  is  a goin  on.  The  sakred  precepts  uv 
the  Holy  Skripters  is  bein  daily  violated  by  an  insane  majority, 
who  hev  substitooted  their  own  noshens  for  the  safe  and  pleas- 
ant revelashens  uv  Holy  Writ,  and  the  practices  of  their 
fathers. 

Good  Noah,  when  he  cussed  Ham,  and  declared  that  he  shood 
be  a servant  unto  his  brethren,  hev  foreseen  how  his  cuss  wood 
hev  bin  disregarded  in  these  degenerate  days,  he  wood,  I boldly 
assert  (and  I make  the  assertion  from  wat  I know  uv  the  char- 
acter uv  that  eminent  navigator),  hev  kep  sober,  and  not  cust 
Ham  at  all.  For  waFs  the  use  uv  sich  a cuss  ef  it^s  to  be  re- 
moved jist  when  you.  want  it  to  stick  ? Hed  it  bin  taken  off 
afore  cotton  wuz  profitable,  and  afore  the  Southern  people  hed 
learned  to  depend  onto  their  labor,  it  wouldent  hev  bin  so  bad, 
and  they  cood  hev  endoored  it  without  murmurin.  But,  alas  ! 
not  only  is  the^South  in  a state  of  abject  cussitood,  but  the 
Northern  Dimocrasy  is  likewise. 

The  case  stood  thuswise  : The  South  depended  on  the  Nig- 
ger ; and  the  Northern  politicians,  like  me,  depended  on  the 
South.  The  nigger  wuz  the  foundashun  upon  wich  the  entire 
structur  rested  ; and  now  that  he’s  knocked  out,  it  falls. 

I wuz  in  Washington  the  other  day,  and  wuz  a unwillin  wit- 
nis  uv  a scene  wich  filled  me  with  unutterable  disgust.  The 
niggers  wuz  a celebratin  suthin  connected  with  their  onnatural 
removal  from  their  normal  condishun,  and  wuz  a paradin  the 
streets  with  bands  uv  music,  and  with  banners  and  inscriptions. 
They  hed  the  impudence  to  dress  up  in  good^ clothes,  — clothes 
wich  I cood  not  afford  to  wear,  — and  three  uv  the  impudent 
cusses  hed  the  ashoorance  to  go  so  far  in  their  imitation  of 


The  more  reckless  of  President  Johnson’s  new  friends  insisted  that  he  should 
use  the  military  power  in  his  hands  to  enforce  his  policy  — that  he  should  treat 
the  acts  of  Congress  as  nullities,  and  administer  the  government  without  its  aid. 


276 


WHAT  THE  PRESIDENT  SHOULD  DO. 


human  beins  ez  to  make  speeches  ; and  to  my  horror,  the  mass 
uv  em  bed  ben  so  well  trained  by  somebody  that  they  actily 
cheered,  and  ez  near  ez  I cood  make  out  got  in  the  applause  at 
the  right  place,  and  all  without  the  assistance  uv  a indivijual 
to  commence  applaudin  at  the  right  time,  wich  we  hev  gener- 
ally found  nessary  at  Dimmekratic  meetins. 

Their  inscripshuns  wuz  insultin.  They  bed  em  all  spelt  rite, 
and  they  wuz  full  uv  alloosions  to  ekal  rites,  and  onqualifyed 
suffrage,  and  sich,  planely  showin  that  the  poor,  misguided 
critters  bed  no  idee  that  they  wuz  loaded  down  with  a cuss^ 
and  that  becoz  uv  that  cuss  they  lied  no  rites  watever. 

In  Richmond  I saw  other  evidences  uv  the  terrible  breakin 
down  uv  the  barriers  wich  Noah  set  up  atween  the  races.  I 
wuz  sittin  in  a boss  car,  when  a nigger  hed  the  onparalleled 
asshoorence  to  enter  and  set  down.  I remonstrated  with  the 
chattel,  who  laft  in  my  face. 

Thus  the  old  landmarks  is  bein  removed,  and  thus  the  foun- 
dations uv  society  is  a bein  broken  up.  I saw  in  Richmond 
fair  wimmin  who  hed,  in  olden  times,  never  known  wat  labor 
wuz,  a washin  dishes,  and  cookin  their  own  vittles  ; and  I saw 
men,  who  hed  wunst  lived  luxuriously  on  the  labor  uv  a hun- 
dred niggers,  now  drivin  drays,  and  sellin  dry  goods  and  gro- 
ceries, and  sich,  and  my  soul  sunk  within  me.  Wuz  the  cuss  a 
mistake?  Wuz  the  nigger  not  the  race  that  wuz  cussed?  or 
has  he  becum  so  bleached,  so  lost  in  the  white  by  amalgama- 
tion, that  there  ain’t  enough  uv  the  black  left  in  each  indivijual 
for  the  cuss  to  hang  to  ? 

Andrew  Johnson  ! in  your  hands  rests  our  cause  ; on  your 
ackshen  depends  our  weal  or  woe  ! Yoo,  and  yoo  alone;  kin 
remedy  this.  Wat  if  a corrupt  and  radikle  Congress  does  over- 
ride your  vetoes,  and  legislate  for  these  cuss-ridden  people  ? 
Yoo  hev  yet  a power  wich  yoo  must  not  hesitate  to  make  em 
feel.  Clear  out  the  rump  Congress ; declare  our  Southern 
brethren  entitled  .to  their  seats,  and  see  that  they  hev  em. 
The  Dimocrisy  uv  the  North,  wich  wuz  latterly  for  peece,  are 
now  fur  war.  They  will  sustain  yoo.  Reverse  yoor  ackshen, 
and  yoo  kin  attach  em  to  yoo  with  hooks  uv  steel.  There  ain’t 
no  risk  in  it  — nary  risk.  Turn  the  Ablishnists  out  uv  the 
Post  Offices,  and  replace  em  with  Democrats  ; let  it  be  under- 


THE  UNPLEASANTNESS  AT  MEMPHIS. 


211 


stood  that  yoo  hev  come  back  to  yoor  fust  love,  and  no  longer 
abide  in  the  tents  uv  Ablishunism,  — and  all  will  be  well. 
Talk  less  uv  yoor  policy,  and  put  more  uv  it  into  acts.  Com- 
bine Post  Offices  with  Policy,  and  proclaim  that  only  he  who 
sustains  the  latter  shel  hev  the  former,  and  yoo  kin  depend  on 
the  entire  Democrisy  North.  We  are  waitin  anxiously.  From 
the  South  comes  up  the  cr}^,  wich  the  North  reekkoes. 

Will  Androo  Johnson,  wich  Ablishnists  call  Moses,  but  wich 
we,  for  obvious  reasons,  style  the  2d  Jaxson,  heed  that  cry  ? 
or  will  he  persist  in  clingin  to  the  black  idol  he  embraced  four 
years  ago  ? 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dis^ensashun, 


cv. 

THE  RECONSTEUCTED  CONGRATULATE  THE  COUN- 
TRY UPON  THE  MEMPHIS  OUTBREAK. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

May  12,  1866.  > 

The  news  from  Memphis  filled  the  soles  uv  the  Dimocrisy  uv 
Kentucky  with  undilooted  joy.  There,  at  last,  the  Ethiopian 
wuz  taught  that  to  him,  at  least,  the  spelling  book  is  a sealed 
volume,  and  that  the  gospel  is  not  for  him,  save  ez  he  gits  it 
filtered  through  a sound,  constooshnel,  Dimekratic  preacher. 
We  met  at  the  Corners  last  nite  to  jollify  over  the  brave  acts 
uv  our  Memphis  frends,  and  I wuz  the-  speeker.  I addressed 
them  on  the  subjick  uv  the  nigger,  — his  wants,  needs,  and 
capacities,  — a subjick,  permit  me  to  state,  I flatter  myself  I 
understand.  Probably  no  man  in  the  United  States  hez  given 
the  nigger  more  study,  or  devoted  more  time  to  a pashent 
investigashen  uv  this  species  uv  the  brute  creashen,  than  the 

The  rebels  of  Memphis  attempted  the  destruction  of  the  negro  school-houses 
and  churches  in  May,  1866.  In  the  riot  a large  number  of  negroes,  men, 
women,  and  children,  were  brutally  murdered. 


278 


A LAMENTABLE  TRUTH. 


undersigned.  I have  contemplated  him  sittin  and  standing 
sleepin  and  wakin,  at  labor  and  in  idleness,  — in  every  shape, 
in  fact,  ceptin  ez  a free  man,  wich  situashen  is  too  disgustin 
for  a proud  Caucashen  to  contemplate  him  ; and  when  he  ariz 
before  my  mind’s  eye  in  that  shape,  I alluz  turned  shudderin 
away. 

I hed  proceeded  in  my  discourse  with  a flowin  sale.  It’s 
easy  demonstratin  anythin  yoor  awjence  wants  to  bleeve,  and 
wich  their  interest  lies  in.  For  instants,  I hev  notist  wicked 
men,  who  wuz  somewhat  wedded  to  sin,  generally  lean  toward 
Universalism ; men  heavily  developed  in  the  back  uv  the  neck 
are  easily  convinst  uv  the  grand  trooths  uv  free  love  ; and 
them  ez  is  too  fond  uv  makin  money  to  rest  on  the  seventh 
day,  hev  serious  doubts  ez  to  whether  the  observance  uv  the 
Sabbath  is  bindin  onto  em.  I,  not  likin  to  work  at  all,  am  d 
firm  beleever  in  slavery,  and  wood  be  firmer  ef  I cood  get  start 
enuff  to  own  a nigger. 

I hed  gone  on  and  proved  concloosively,  from  a comparison 
uv  the  fizzikle  structer  uv  the  Afrikin  and  the  Caucashen,  that 
the  nigger  wuz  a beast,  and  not  a human  bein ; and  that,  conse- 
kently,  we  hed  a perfeck  rite  to  catch  him,  and  tame  him,  and 
use  him  ez  we  do  other  wdld  animals.  Finishin  this  hed  uv  my 
discourse,  I glode  easily  into  a history  uv  the  flood ; explained 
how  Noah  got  tite  and  cust  Ham,  condemnin  him  and  his  pos- 
terity to  serve  his  brethren  forever,  wich  I insisted  give  us  an 
indubitable  warranty  deed  to  all  uv  em  for  all  time. 

I warmed  upon  this  elokently.  “ Behold,  my  brethren,  the 
beginnin  uv  Dimocrasy,”  I sed.  ‘‘  Fust,  the  wine  (which  wuz 
the  antetype  of  our  whisky)  wuz  the  beginnin.  Wine  (or 
whisky)  wuz  necessary  to  the  foundation  uv  the  party,  and  it 
wuz  forthcomin.  But  the  thing  wuz  not  complete.  It  did  its 
work  on  Noah,  but  yet  there  wuz  a achin  void.  There  wuz  no 
Nigger  in  the  world,  and  without  nigger  there  cood  be  no 
Dimocrasy.  Ham,  my  friends,  wuz  born  a brother  uv  Japhet, 
and  wuz  like  unto  him,  and,  uv  course,  could  not  be  a slave. 
Whisky  avuz  the  instrument  to  bring  him  down  ,*  and  it  fetched 
him.  Ham  looked  upon  his  father,  and  wuz  cust ; and  the  void 
wuz  filled.  There  wuz  Nigger  and  whisky,  and  upon  them 
the  foundashuns  uv  the  party  wuz  laid,  broad  and  deep. 


THE  FOUNDATION  STONE. 


279 


Methinks,  my  brethren,  when  Ham  went  out  from  the  pres- 
ence uv  his  father,  black  in  the  face  ez  the  ace  uv  spades  (ef  I 
may  be  allowed  to  use  the  expression),  bo  win  his  back  to  the 
burdens  Shem  and  Japhet  piled  onto  him  with  alacrity,  that 
Democracy,  then  in  the  womb  uv  the  future,  kicked  lively,  and 
clapped  its  hands.  There  wuz  a nigger  to  enslave,  and  whisky 
to  bring  men  down  to  the  pint  uv  enslavin  him.  There  wuz 
whisky  to  make  men  incapable  uv  labor  ; whisky  to  accompany 
horse  racin,  and  poker  playin,  and  sich  rational  amusements, 
and  a nigger  cust  especially  that  he  mite  sweat  to  furnish  the 
means.  Observe  the  fitness  uv  things.  Bless  the  Lord,  my 
brethren,  for  whisky  and  the  nigger ; for,  without  em,  there 
could  be  no  Dimocrisy,  and  yoor  beloved  speaker  mite  hev 
owned  a farm  in  Noo  Jersey,  and  bin  a votin  the  whig  ticket 
to-day.’’ 

At  this  pint,  a venerable  old  freedman,  who  wuz  a sittin 
quietly  in  the  meetin,  ariz,  and  asked  ef  he  mite  ask  a ques- 
tion. Thinkin  what  a splendid  opportunity  there  wood  be  uv 
demonstratin  the  sooperiority  uv  the  Caucashen  over  the  Afri- 
kin  race,  I answered,  Yes,”  gladly. 

“ Well,  Mas’r,”  sed  the  old  imbecile’,  is  I a beast?  ” 

My  venerable  friend,  there  ain’t  nary  doubt  uv  it.” 

Is  my  old  woman  a old  beastesses,  too  ? ” 

Indubitably,”  replied  I. 

And  my  children  — is  they  little  beasts  and  beastesses  ? ” 
Onquestionably.” 

Den  a yaller  feller  ain’t  but  half  a beast,  is  he  ? ” 

My  friend,”  sed  I,  that  question  is  — ” 

Hold  on,”  sed  he ; wat  I wanted  to  git  at  is  dis : dere’s  a 
heap  uv  yaller  fellers  in  dis  section,  whose  fadders  must  hev 
bin  white  men  ; and,  ez  der  mudders  wuz  all  beastesses,  I want 
to  know  whedder  dar  ain’t  no  law  in  Kentucky  agin  — ” 

. Put  him  out ! ” Kill  the  black  wretch  ! ” shouted  a 
majority  uv  them  who  hed  bin  the  heaviest  slave  owners  under 
the  good  old  patriarkle  system,  and  they  went  for  the  old  repro- 
bate. At  this  pint,  a officer  uv  the  Freedmen’s  Bureau,  who 
we  hadn’t  observed,  riz,  and  bustin  with  laughter,  remarked 
that  his  venerable  friend  shood  have  a chance  to  be  heerd. 
We  respeck  that  Burow,  partikelerly  ez  the  officers  generally 


280 


AN  ARGUMENT  WITH  A BEAST. 


hev  a hundred  or  two  bayonets  within  reech,  and,  chokin 
our  wrath,  permitted  ourselves  to  be  further  insulted  by 
the  cussed  nigger,  who,  grinnin  from  ear  to  ear,  riz  and 
perceeded. 

My  white  friends,’’  sed  he,  “ dar  pears  to  be  an  objection  to 
my  reference  to  de  subjeck  uv  dis  mixin  with  beasts,  so  I won’t 
press  de  matter.  But  I ask  yoo,  did  Noah  hev  three  sons  ? ” 

He  did,”  sed  I. 

Berry  good.  Wuz  they  all  brudders  ? ” 

“ Uv  course.” 

Ham  come  from  the  same  fadder  and  mudder  as  the  odder 
two  ? ” 

C-e-r-t-i-n-l-y.” 

“Well,  den,  it  seems  to  me  — not  fully  understandin  the 
skripters  — dat  if  we  is  beasts  and  beastesses,  dat  you  is 
beasts  and  beastesses  also,  and  dat,  after  all,  we  is  brudders.” 
And  the  disgustin  old  wretch  threw  his  arms  around  my  neck, 
and  kissed  me,  callin  me  his  “ long  lost  brudder.” 

The  officer  uv  the  Freedmen’s  Bureau  laft  vosiferously,  and 
so  did  a dozen  or  two  soldiers  in  the  crowd  likewise  ; and  the 
awjence  slunk  out  without  adjournin  the  meetin,  one  uv  em 
remarkin,  audibly,  that  he  had  noticed  one  thing,  that  Dimoc- 
risy  wuz  extremely  weak  whenever  it  undertook  to  defend 
itself  with  fax  or  revelashun.  For  his  part,  he’d  done  with 
argyment.  He  wanted  niggers,  because  he  cood  wallop  em, 
and  make  em  do  his  work  without  payin  em,  wich  he  coodent 
do  with  white  men. 

I left  the  meetin  house  convinst  that  the  South,  who  worked 
the  niggers,  leavin  us  Northern  Dimokrats  to  defend  the  sys- 
tem, hed  the  best  end  uv  the  bargain. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


AN  UNBIASSED  REPORT. 


281 


CVI. 

THE  WORKINGS  OF  THE  FREEDMEN’S  BUREAU.— 

A REPORT. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  7 

May  27,  1866.  $ 

To  His  Exslency  the  Dispenser  uv  Post  Orfices,  Androo 
Johnson,  President  uv  the  United  States. 

In  accordance  with  yoor  esteemed  request,  dated  the  25th, 
and  received  this  morning,  I to-wunst  proceeded  to  make  en- 
quiry ez  to  the  workin  uv  the  Freedmen’s  Burow,  and  the  con- 
dishun  uv  the  Afrikin  citizens  uv  Amerikin  descent  in  this 
vicinity.  The  fact  that  a Ablishnist  still  holds  the  Post  Orfice 
at  the  Corners  (wich  place,  by  the  way,  I hev  been  solicited  to 
accept),  interfered  materially  with  the  biziness  I bed  in  hand. 
I to-wunst  tooted  the  horn,  ez  is  the  custom  when  we  hev 
religious  servis,  and  called  my  congregashun  together.  They 
come  runnin  in  from  the  different  groceries ; and  here  another 
difficulty  ensood.  The  grosery  keepers  wanted  to  know  what 
we  wuz  a going  to  hev  meetin  on  week  days  for  ? They  wuz 
willin  to  shut  up  durin  meetin  time  on  Sundays,  ez  they  re- 
spected the  church,  and  it  give  em  time  to  sweep  out  the  ter- 
backer,  et  settry ; but  they’d  be  d — d ef  they  wuz  a goin  to 
hev  the  people  pulled  away  from  their  nourishment  on  week 
days.  I succeeded  in  pacifyin  em,  and  went  in  at  wunst  ex- 
aminin  the  leadin  citizens.  Their  testimony  is  ez  follows : — 

Captain  Skelper  wuz  a nigger  owner  afore  the  war,  and 
durin  the  late  fratrisidle  struggle  wuz  a captain  in  the  confedrit 
servis.  Wuz  with  Ginral  Forest  at  Fort  Pillow,  Hez  hed  much 
experience  with  niggers.  Bleeves  em  to  be  adapted  to  the 
climit  uv  Kentucky,  and  much  more  able  to  stand  the  hot  sun 

A commission  made  up  of  the  adherents  of  President  Johnson  was  sent 
South  to  examine  into  the  workings  of  the  Freedmen’s  Bureau,  and  the  con- 
dition of  the  South  generally.  The  commission  had  a delightful  trip  South, 
saw  what  was  desired  of  them  to  see,  and  nothing  else,  and  reported  as  was 
desired,  and  nothing  more.  Nasby’s  report  reads  very  like  that  of  the  com- 
mission. 


282 


THE  INFAMOUS  BUREAU. 


than  the  whites.  When  they  wuz  slaves,  never  knowed  em  to 
refooze  to  work ; know  they  alluz  did  work,  becoz  he  generally 
stood  over  em  with  a nigger  whip.  Since  they  hev  bin  free, 
hez  notist  a change ; not  much  uv  a change,  ontil  the  Nigger 
Burow  wuz  establisht.  Before  that  they’d  take  sich  wages  ez 
yoo  chose  to  give  em ; since  then  the  d — d heathen  will  stand 
out  bout  ez  the  white  men  do,  and  won’t  work  at  all  onless 
yoo  meet  their  views,  wich  made  a heap  uv  trouble,  and  ma- 
terially retarded  the  development  uv  the  country.  The  Burow 
hed  corrupted  the  female  niggers  ; ez  they  hed  all  bin  legally 
married  by  the  Chaplins  to  the  men  they’d  lived  with,  and 
wuz  so  sot  on  livin  with  em,  that  there’s  no  yoose  uv  yoor  tryin 
to  get  a house  wench  unless  yoo  took  her  husband  also.  His 
wife  wuz  now  doin  degradin  work  at  home  for  want  uv  help. 
Strongly  urged  the  abrogashen  uv  the  Burow,  and  the  removal 
uv  the  Abolishn  Postmaster  at  the  Corners. 

Deacon  McGrath  wuz  convinst  in  his  own  mind  that  the 
Afrikin  wuz  now  out  uv  his  normal  speer,  and  that  the  infernal 
Burow  wuz  at  the  bottom  uv  it.  The  nigger,  afore  the  Burow 
come  around,  wuz  docile  and  easily  controlled.  His  boy  Joe 
wuz  wunst  a model  nigger.  He’d  get  up  every  mornin  at  4 
A.  M.  (wich  means  in  the  mornin),  and  work  every  day  till  after 
dark.  Ez  soon  ez  he  wuz  emancipated,  ez  they  called  it,  and 
the  Burow  come,  I told  him  to  get  up,  one  mornin  ; and  he  told 
me,  impudently,  that  he’d  concluded  he  woodent.  I undertook 
to  chastise  him  with  a fence  stake,  whereupon  he  sailed  in,  and 
whaled  me  ; and  the  Burow,  to  which  1 applied  for  redress,  larft 
in  my  face.  He  left,  and  is  now  draggin  out  a miserable  exis- 
tence in  Ohio,  on  the  beggarly  pittance  uv  two  dollars  a day,  and 
my  farm  is  runnin  to  weeds.  He  conclooded  b}^  givin  it  .ez  his 
solemn  opinion  that  he  never  cood  be  reconciled  to  the  Gover- 
ment  so  long  ez  the  Burow  wuz  tolerated,  and  that  Ablishnist 
held  the  Post  Orfis  at  the  Corners. 

Gineral  Dinges  considered  the  Burow  a inkubus  upon  the 
State.  It  interfered  between  master  and  servant.  Cood  git 
along  better  ef  the  nigger  wuz  left  to  the  nateral  laws  wich 
regulates  capital  and  labor.  Tried  to  keep  his  niggers,  and  did 
keep  em  the  past  summer  till  after  the  crop  wuz  in,  and  then 
tried  to  settle  with  em  for  four  dollars  a month,  with  sich  de- 


HOW  IT  SPOILED  THE  NEGROES. 


283 


ductions  for  food,  sickness,  and  broken  tools,  et  settiy,  ez  wuz 
just.  Brought  the  niggers,  all  uv  em,  in  my  debt,  and  gener- 
ously proposed  to  let  em  work  it  out  choppin  cord  wood  doorin 
the  winter.  Hauled  me  up  afore  the  Burow,  and  wuz  forst  to 
pay  em  each  $15  per  month.  Consider  the  Burow  ez  all  that 
stands  in  the  way  uv  rekonstruction,  though  the  removal  uv 
the  Ablishun  Postmaster  at  the  Corners  and  the  appintment  uv 
a sound  constooshnel  Dimekrat  wood  grately  assist  in  conciliatin 
the  Kentucky  mind. 

I tried  to  get  some  nigger  testimony,  but  cood  elicit  nothing 
worth  while.  One  nigger,  who  spends  the  heft  uv  his  time  at 
the  Corners,  wuz  opposed  to  the  Burow  becoz  it  stopt  rations 
on  him.  And  Lucy,  a octoroon,  who  formerly  belonged  to,  and 
still  resides  with.  Elder  Gavitt  (who  is  now  absent  ez  a dele- 
gate to  a Southern  religious  convention  at  Louisville),  testified 
that  the  Burow  wuz  no  grate  shakes,’’  becoz  bein  ez  the  Elder 
wuz  a widower,  and  the  father  uv  all  her  children,  and  bein 
she’s  a free  woman,  she  askt  the  agent  to  make  the  Elder  marry 
her,  and  he  woodn’t  do  it.  But  sich  evidence  is  irrelevent,  and 
I didn’t  consider  it  worth  while  botherin  yoor  Exslency  with 
it.  Both,  however,  strongly  insisted  on  the  removal  uv  the 
Ablishun  Postmaster  at  the  Corners. 

Abslum  Pettus  wuz  convinst  the  Burow  wuz  agin  the  pros- 
perity uv  the  State,  and  wuz  underminin  the  moral  and  physikle 
welfare  uv  the  nigger.  It  made  him  impudent.  Hed  sum  uv 
em  workin  for  him,  and  notist  at  noons  and  nites  he’d  find  em 
with  a spellin-book  and  a reader.  Didn’t  bleeve  in  readin. 
Coodent  read  hisself,  but  hed  a cousin  wunst  who  learned ; but 
ez  soon  ez  he  cood  read  he  moved  off  to  Injeanny,  quit  the 
Democrisy,  and  become  a loathsum  Ablishnist.  Heerd  he  wuz 
killed  in  the  war,  and  served  him  rite.  Wanted  to  know  what 
we  wood  do  when  the  niggers  cood  all  read.  Sposed  we’d  hev 
to  ’lect  em  to  offis,  ez  the  people  alluz  selected  sich,  when  they 
cood  find  em.  Didn’t  bleeve  in  nigger  equality,  and  wuz  in 
favor  uv  imediate  change  in  the  post  orfice  at  the  Corners. 

Captain  McSlather  thought  things  hed  cum  to  a sweet  old 
pass,  when  a man  coodn’t  lather  a nigger  without  bein  hauled 
up  afore  a Burow. 

Kernel  Pelter  thought  ef  yoor  Exslency  cood  witness  the 


284 


ITS  CORRUPTION. 


coiTupshen  that  eggsisted  in  the  Burow,  yoo’d  make  short  work 
nv  it.  Why,  he  whipped  a nigger  hand  more  than  he  ought, 
perhaps,  and  he  died  uv  the  injuries.  It  wuz'  a aggravatin  case. 
The  nigger  wuz  sassy,  and  it  cost  three  hundred  and  sixteen 
dollars  to  pervide  for  his  family.  That  infamous  Burow  made 
me  pay  for  their  rashens  all  winter.  He  asked,  indignantly,  ef 
this  wuz  or  wuz  not  a free  kentry  into  wich  such  things  wuz 
permitted.  And  the  Ablishen  Postmaster  at  the  Corners  ap- 
proved the  tyranikle  action.  He  demanded  his  removal. 

I conceive  it  to  be  onnecessary  to  submit  further  testimony. 
I know  not  what  luck  yoor  other-  commissioners  may  hev  met 
within  takin  testimony  on  this  subjick;  but  in  this  vicinity 
there  can’t  be  no  doubt  that  there  can’t  be  that  love  for  the 
Government,  without  wich  free  instooshens  won’t  flourish  to 
any  alarmin  extent,  ontil  this  monster  is  squelched.  The  testi- 
mony is  unanimous,  and  them  ez  1 hev  examined  are  represen- 
tative men. 

You  may  hev  notist,  also,  the  singler  unanimity  with  wich 
they  all  bore  testimony  to  the  necessity  uv  a change  in  the 
Post  Orfis  at  the  Corners.  I endorse  all  they  say  on  this  ques- 
tion, considerin  that  that  change  is  ez  necessary  in  the  grate 
work  uv  pacifyin  and  conciliation  ez  is  the  removal  uv  the  Bu- 
row. In  case  a change  is  made,  1 would  say,  for  your  guidance, 
that  I hev  been  warmly  solicited  by  my  friends  to  accept  the 
position,  and  to  pacify  em,  hev  at  last  yielded  a reluctant  con- 
sent. The  fact  that  I never  served  in  the  Confederate  army 
may  be  an  objection ; but,  to  oft'set  that,  I voted  for  Yallan- 
dygum  twice. 

Ef  possible,  send  me  a pardon  at  the  same  time  yoo  send  me 
my  commission  ez  Post  Master  ; for,  if  the  Post  Offis  don’t  pay, 
I may  want  to  run  for  some  other  office,  in  wich  event  that 
document  would  be  essential  to  my  success. 

With  sentiments  uv  the  most  profound  respek, 

I am  , 

Trooly  yours. 
Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 


THE  CASE  STATED. 


285 


evil. 

PEESIDES  AT  A CHURCH  TRIAL. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

June  9,  1866.  ^ 

They  bed  a ruction  in  the  church  at  the  Corners  yisterday, 
wich  bid  fair  to  result  in  a rendin  uv  the  walls  of  our  Zion,  and 
the  tearin  down  uv  the  temple  we  hev  reared  with  so  much 
care  and  hev  guarded  with  so  much  solissitood.  When  I say 
I mean  the  members  thereof,  ez  the  church  wuz 
reorganized  sence  the  war  by  returned  Confedrit  soldiers  and 
sich  Dimekrats  ez  remained  at  home  nootrel ; but  inasmuch  ez 
I am  the  only  reglerly  ordained  Dimokratic  paster  in  these 
parts  I gineiiy  conduct  the  services,  and  hentz  hev  insensibly 
fell  into  a habit  uv  speakin  uv  the  church  ez  my  church, 
and  I feel  all  the  solissitood  for  its  spiritooal  and  temporal  wel- 
fare that  I cood  ef  I wuz  reglerly  ordained  ez  its  pastor,  wich 
I expect  to  be  ef  I fail  in  gettin  that  post  offis  at  the  Corners, 
wich  is  now  held  by  a Ablishnist  uv  the  darkest  dye,  wich 
President  Johnson,  with  a stubbornness  I can’t  account  for, 
persistently  refooses  to  remove. 

The  case  wuz  suthin  like  this  : — 

Deekin  Pogram  wuz  charged  by  Elder  Slather  withhevin,  in 
broad  daylite,  with  no  attempt  at  concealment,  drank  with  a 
nigger,  and  a free  nigger  at  that,  in  Bascom’s  grocery,  and  to 
prove  the  charge  Deekin  Slather  called  Deekin  Pennibacker. 

The  Deekin  wuz  put  onto  the  stand,  and  testified  ez 
follows  : — 

Wuz  in  Bascom’s  grocery  a playin  seven  up  for  the  drinks 
with  Deekin  Slather.  Hed  jist  beet  the  Deekin  one  game  and 
hed  four  on  the  second,  and  held  high,  low,  and  jack,  and  wuz 
modritly  certin  uv  goin  out,  partiklerly  ez  the  Deekin  didn’t 
beg.  Wus  hevin  a little  discussion  with  him  — the  Deekin  in- 
sistin  that  it  wuz  the  best  three  in  five,  instead  uv  the  best 
two  in  three,  jest  as  though  a man  cood  afford  to  play  five 
games  between  drinks  ! The  ijee  is  preposterous  and  unheard 
of,  and  ther  ain’t  no  precedent  for  any  sich  course.  We  wuz 


286 


EXAMINATION  OP  WITNESSES. 


settlin  the  dispoot  in  regler  orthodox  style  — he  hed  his  fingers 
twisted  in  my  neck  handkercher,  and  1 hed  a stick  uv  stove 
wood  suspended  over  his  head.  While  in  this  position  we  wuz 
transfixed  with  horror  at  seein  Deekin  Pogram  enter,  arm-in- 
arm with  a nigger,  and,  — 

The  Court.  — Arm-in-arm,  did  you*  say.  Brother  Pennibacker  ? 

Witness.  — Certainly. 

The  Court.  — The  scribe  will  make  a minnit  uv  this.  Go  on. 

Witness.  — They  cum  in  together,  ez  I sed,  arm-in-arm, 
walked  up  to  the  bar,  and  drank  together. 

the  Court.  — Did  they  drink  together  ? 

Witness.  — They  ondeniable  did. 

By  myself.  — The  Court  desires  to  know  what  partikeler 
flooid  they  absorbed. 

Witness.  — Can’t  say  — spose  ’twas  Bascom’s  new  whiskey 
- — that’s  all  he’s  got,  ez  the  Court  very  well  knows. 

By  myself.  — The  Sexton  will  go  at  once  to  Bascom’s  and 
procoor  the  identicle  bottle  from  which  this  wretched  man, 
who  stands  charged  with  thus  lowerin  hisself,  drunk,  and  bring 
it  hither.  The  Court  desires  to  know  for  herself  whether  it 
was  really  whisky.  The  pint  is  an  important  one  for  the  Court 
to  know. 

A Avicked  boy  remarked  that  the  pint  wood  be  better  onder- 
stood  by  the  Court  if  it  avuz  a quart.  The  bottle  wuz,  how- 
ever, brought,  and  the  Court,  wich  is  me,  wuz  satisfied  that  it 
wuz  really  and  trooly  whisky.  Ez  the  refreshin  flooid  irrigated 
my  parched  throat,  I wished  the  trials  based  upon  that  bottle 
cood  be  perpetocal. 

I considered  the  case  proved,  and  asked  Brother  Pogram 
Avhat  palliation  he  hed  to  offer.  I set  before  him  the  enormity 
uv  the  crime,  and  shoAved  him  that  he  was  by  this  course 
sappin  the  very  foundashun  uv  the  Church  and  the  Democratic 
party.  Wat’s  the  use,  I askt,  uv  my  preachin  agin  nigger 
equality,  so  long  ez  my  Deekins  practis  it  ? I told  him  that 
Ham  AAmz  cust  by  Noah,  and  avuz  condemned  to  be  a servant 
unto  his  brethren  — that  he  wuz  an  inferior  race,  that  the  Dim- 
ocrisy  AAmz  built  upon  that  idea,  and  that  associatin  Avith  him  in 
any  shape  that  indicated  equality,  AAmz  either  puttin  them  up 
to  our  standard  or  loAverin  ourselves  to  theirn ; in  either  case 


GUILTY,  BUT  JUSTIFIED. 


287 


the  result  wuz  fatal.  I implored  Brother  Pogram  to  make  a 
clean  breast  uv  it,  confess  his  sin,  and  humbly  receive  sich 
punishment  ez  shood  be  awarded  liim,  and  go  and  sin  no  more. 

Speak  up.  Brother  Pogram,”  sez  I,  paternally,  and  yet  se- 
verely. 

Brother  Pogram,  to  my  unspeakable  relief,  for  he  is  the 
wealthiest  member  of  the  congregashun,  and  one  we  darsn^t 
expel,  replied, 

That  he  did  drink  with  the  nigger,  and  wat  wuz  more, 
he  wuz  justified  in  doin  it,  for  the  nigger  paid  for  the 
WHISKY  ! ! ” 

“ But,  shoorly,”  I remarked,  it  wasnT  nessary  to  yoor  pur- 
pose to  come  in  with  the  nigger  arm-in-arm,  — a attitood  wich 
implies  familiarity,  ef  not  afieckshun.” 

The  Prisoner.  — ■ The  nigger  and  I hed  bin  pitchin  coppers 
for  drinks,  and  I,  possessin  more  akootnis,  hed  won.  I took 
the  nigger  by  the  arm,  fearin  that  ef  I let  go  uv  him  he’d 
dodge  without  payin.  They  are  slippery. 

Overjoyed,  I clasped  him  around  the  neck,  and  to-wunst 
dismist  the  charge  as  unfounded  and  frivolous. 

My  brethren,”  sez  I,  the  action  uv  Brother  Pogram  is  not 
only  justifiable,  but  is  commendable,  and  worthy  of  imitashun. 
Ham  wuz  cust  by  Noah,  and  condemned  by  him  to  serve  his 
brethren.  The  nigger  is  the  descendant  of  Ham,  and  we  are 
the  descendants  uv  the  brethren,  and  ef  Noah  hed  a clear  rite 
to  cuss  one  of  his  sons,  and  sell  him  out  to  the  balance  uv  the 
boys  for  all  time,  we  hev  ded  wood  on  the  nigger,  for  it  is 
clear  that  he  wuz  made  to  labor  for  us  and  minister  to  our 
wants.  So  it  wuz,  my  brethren,  until  an  Ape,  who  hed  power, 
interfered  and  delivered  him  out  of  our  hand.  Wat  shel  we 
do?  Wat  we  cannot  do  by  force  we  must  do  by  financeerin. 
We  can’t  any  longer  compel  the  nigger  to  furnish  us  the 
means,  and  therefore  in  order  to  fulfil  the  skripter,  we  are 
justified  in  accomplishing  by  our  sooperior  skill  wat  we  used 
to  do  with  whips  and  dorgs.  The  spectacle  uv  Brother 
Pogram’s  marchin  into  Bascom’s  with  that  nigger  wuz  a 
sublime  spectacle,  and  one  well  calculated  to  cheer  the  heart  uv 
the  troo  Dimekrat.  He  hed  vanquished  him  in  an  encounter 
where  skill  wuz  required,  thus  demonstratin  the  sooperiority 


288 


THE  CANING  OF  GRINNELL. 


uv  the  Anglo-Saxon  mind  — he  led  him  a captive,  and  made  uv 
him  a spoil.  Wood,  0 wood  that  we  all  hed  a nigger  to  play 
with  for  drinks  ! The  case  is  dismissed,  the  costs  to  be  paid 
by  the  complainant ! 

The  walls  uv  our  Zion  is  stronger  than  ever.  This  trial,  ez 
it  resulted,  is  a new  and  strong  abutment  — a tall  and  strong 
tower. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 

CVIII. 

TURNS  A MEETING,  CALLED  TO  INDORSE  GEN- 
ERAL ROSSEAU,  TO  ACCOUNT, 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

June  22,  1866.  \ 

There  wuz  joy  at  the  Corners  when  the  Postmaster  (who 
takes  the  only  paper  wich  comes  to  the  ofiSce,  ceptin  a few  wich 
comes  to  some  demoralized  niggers  who  hev  learned  to  read, 
and  the  officers  uv  the  Freedmen’s  Burow  here)  read  to  the 
crowd  the  news  uv  the  canin  wich  Rosso,  wich  is  uv  Kentucky, 
give  Grinnell.  It  sent  a thrill  uv  joy  through  the  State,  wich 
ain’t  done  thrillin  yet.  Bustin  out  into  nine  hearty  cheers,  we 
to-wunst  organized  a meetin  for  the  purpose  uv  expressin  our 
feelins  on  the  momentous  occasion.  The  bell  wuz  rung,  the 
people  gathered  together,  and  I wuz  elected  Chairman  (they 
alluz  elect  me  to  preside  becoz  Pm  bald-headed ; they  think 
bald  heads  and  dignity  is  inseparable),  and  Deekin  Pogram 
Secretary,  Avith  36  Vice-Presidents  — one  for  each  State.  I 
made  a short  speech  on  takin  the  chair,  congratulatin  em  on 
the  auspicious  event  Avich  called  us  together.  Whereupon  a 
Committee  on  Resolutions  avuz  appinted,  wich,  after  a short 
absence,  reported  ez  folloAvs : — 

General  Rosseau,  in  feeble  imitation  of  Brooks,  assaulted  Mr.  Grinnell,  of 
Iowa,  having  been  worsted  in  an  argument.  Kentucky,  of  course,  indorsed 
Rosseau. 


WHEREAS  AND  RESOLVED. 


289 


Whereas,  Genral  Rosso,  a native-born  Kentuckian,  and  there- 
fore a gentleman,  hevin  got  into  a argument  with  a Iowa  sheep- 
breeder;  and, 

Whereas,  hevin  got  the  wust  uv  the  argument,  he  dextrously 
turned  it  into  blackguardin ; and, 

Whereas,  hevin  got  the  wust  uv  the  blackguardin,  he  remem- 
bered the  ancient  usages  uv  the  chivalrous  sons  uv  the  South, 
and  caned  him  ; therefore,  be  it 

Resolved,  That  we,  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Confedrit  X Roads, 
wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Kentucky,  hereby  thank  General  Rosso 
for  his  manly  vindication  uv  the  character  uv  Kentucky. 

Resolved,  That  we  know  not  wich  to  admire  the  most;  the 
dashin  GineraPs  courage  in  bravin  the  public  sentiment  uv  the 
North,  or  his  prudence  in  selectin  the  smallest  and  physically 
weakest  man  in  the  House  to  demonstrate  onto. 

Resolved,  That  ez  Thad  Stevens  is  70  years  of  age,  and  lame, 
and  hardly  recovered  from  his  fit  uv  sickness,  we  suggest  that 
our  beloved  hero  commence  a argument  with  him,  feelin  that 
so  far  ez  the  argument  and  blackguardin  goes  the  result  will 
be  the  same,  only  so  much  more  so  ez  to  give  him  a good  ex- 
cuse for  killin  him,  wich  wood  be  doin  the  South  a servis 
indeed. 

Resolved,  That  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Kentucky  hevent  felt  so 
good  sence  the  Memphis  riots. 

Resolved,  That  this  manly  act  uv  Gineral  Rosso’s  makes  up 
and  compensates  the  South  for  the  outrage  he  inflicted  onto 
her  when  he  jined  the  vandal  host  wich  devastated  her  soil, 
and  that  hereafter  he  shel  be  receeved  with  just  the  same  cor- 
diality ez  though  he  had  gone  into  the  Confedrit  instid  uv  the 
Federal  servis. 

Resolved,  That  the  thanks  uv  the  Dimocrisy  are  due  the  bold, 
brave  men  who  accompanied  and  stood  by  General  Rosso  in 
this  vindication  uv  the  Southern  spirit. 

I put  the  affirmative,  ez  is  the  custom  here,  it  bein  the  roof 
when  the  leaders  want  a thing  to  pass,  never  to  call  for  the 
nays,  and  it  went  through  all  right.  Then  1 arose,  and  stated 
1 hed  another  resolution,  wich  I wished  to  offer,  and  I read! 
it : — 


19 


290 


THE  EVERLASTING  POST  OFFICE. 


Resolved,  That  in  retainin  in  the  Post  Offis,  at  the  Corners,  a 
Ablishnist,  President  Johnson  is  — 

At  this  point  Deekin  Pogram  interrupted  me.  He  spozed 
this  meetin  wuz  called  to  congratulate  Ginral  Rosso,  and  wat 
wuz  the  sense  uv  mixin  up  a paltry  Post  Offis  with  a matter 
uv  so  much  importance  ez  the  canin  uv  a Ablishnist  ? It  was 
clearly  out  uv  order. 

I replied,  Wood  yoo  be  glad,  or  wood  this  congregashun 
be  glad,  to  hev  me  in  the  Post  Orfis  in  the  place  uv  that 
Ablishnist  ? ’’ 

The  Deekin  replied  that  personally  he  wood.  He  had  the 
highest  respect  for  my  massive  talents  and  my  excellent  quali- 
ties uv  head  and  heart,  and  besides,  he  thought  probable,  ef  I 
got  the  Post  Orfis,  he  wood  stand  a chance  uv  gettin  the  nine 
dollars  and  sixty-two  cents  borrowed  money  I owed  him, 
and  — 

I called  him  to  order  at  once. 

Bascom,  who  keeps  the  grocery,  and  who  furnishes  me  with 
likker  (wich  I hev  to  take  for  my  hair)  on  the  strength  uv 
remittances  I am  to  recceve,  insisted  on  hearin  the  resolution 
ef  it  wood  further  my  gettin  the  Post  Orfis,  and  so  did  the  be- 
nevolent gentleman  with  whom  I board,  and  I resoomed, — 

I kin  see  a good  reason  for  incorporatin  a resolooshun  de- 
mandin  a change  in  the  Post  Orfis  into  the  proceedins  uv  this 
meetin.  There  wood  be,  my  friends,  no  yoose  uv  sendin  the 
President  a naked  resolution  demandin  this  change,  becoz  he 
reseeves  hundreds  and  tens  uv  hundreds  uv  applications  for 
offices  every  day ; in  fact,  they  pile  in  at  sich  a rate  that  he 
never  opens  the  half  uv  them.  The  Dimocrisy,  my  brethren, 
are  alive  on  this  subject.  Ef  they  are  to  support  the  Presi- 
dent, they  want,  and  Avill  hev,  the  post  orfises,  for  uv  what  use 
is  it  to  support  a man  and  pay  yoor  own  expenses  ? It  is  plain 
that  the  proceedins  uv  a post  offis  meetin  wood  never  reach 
him,  but  this,  my  brethren,  goes  up  to  him  from  the  people, 
endorsin  a supporter  uv  his  policy,  and  ez  it  will  be  the  only 
one  he  hez  reseeved,  or  will  reseeve.  he  will  read  it  and  read 
it  through,  and  in  the  exultation  he  Avill  feel  at  bein  endorsed 
by  any  bod}",  who  doubts  the  result  ? The  Post  Orfis  is  mine.” 

Bascom,  the  grocery  keeper,  moved,  excitedly,  the  adoption 


AN  INTERRUPTED  SERMON. 


291 


nv  the  resolution.  I suggested  that  I hed  better  read  it,  but 
he  sed  it  made  no  difference ; he  knew  it  wuz  all  rite.  The 
benevolent  and  confidin  individooal  I board  with  seconded  the 
motion,  and  Deekin  Pogram  supported  it  in  a short  speech, 
statin  that  he  understood  that  it  wuz  Brother  Nasby’s  inten- 
tion, ef  he  succeeded  in  procoorin  the  position,  to  devote  the 
first  three  and  a half  years’  salary  towards  pay  in  off  the  small 
indebtedness  he  hed  contracted  sence  he  lied  honored  the  town 
by  residin  in  it.  To  all  uv  wich  I blandly  smiled  an  assent, 
whereupon  the  resolution  wuz  adopted  yoonanimusly.  Hevin 
lived  here  a little  risin  uv  a year,  the  vote  wuz  perfeckly 
yoonanimous. 

My  prospex  is  britenin. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun, 
— — 

CIX. 

PREACHES  — THE  '^PRODIGAL  SON.”  — AN  INTER- 
RUPTION. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

July  6,  1866.  > 

I PREACHED  last  Sabbath,  or  rather,  tried  to,  from  the  parable 
of  the  Prodigal  Son.  We  hed  a splendid  congregashun.  I 
notice  a revival  of  the  work  in  this  part  uv  the  Dimocratic 
vineyard  wich  reely  cheers  me.  The  demonstrasliun  our  friends 
made  in  Memphis,  the  canin  uv  Grinnel  by  Rosso,  and  the  call 
for  a Johnson  Convenshun  in  Philadelphia,  all,  all  hev  conspired 
to  comfort  the  souls  uv  the  Dimocrisy,  and  encourage  em  to 
renewed  effort.  It  is  bringing  forth  fruit.  Only  last  week  five 
northern  men  were  sent  whirlin  out  of  this  section.  They 
dusted  in  the  night  to  escape  hangin,  leavin  their  goods  as  a 
prey  for  the  Hghteous.  Six  niggers  hev  been  killed  and  one 
Burow  officer  shot.  Trooly  there  is  everything  to  encour- 
age us. 


292 


A PLAIN  STATEMENT. 


The  house  wuz  full.  The  weather  wuz  hot,  and  the  pleasant 
incense  uv  mingled  whiskey,  tobacco,  and  snuff  wich  ariz  wuz 
grateful  to  me.  The  sun  shone  in  on  Deekin  Pogram's  face  ez 
he  gently  slept,  and  when  the  sun  hits  him  square  I kin  alluz 
tell  wher  he  sets,  even  ef  it  is  dark.  He  drinks  apple-jack 
instead  of  corn  whiskey,  and  chaws  fine-cut  tobacker  instead 
uv  plug,  and  consekently  when  in  the  pulpit  I kin  distinguish 
the  pecooliar  aroma  uv  his  breath  from  those  around  him. 

My  brethren,’’  sed  I,  sich  uv  yoo  ez  hev  Bibles  in  yoor 
houses,  kin  get  somebody  to  read  yoo  the  parable  to  wich  I 
shel  call  yoor  attention.  A man,  wunst  upon  a time',  hed  sons, 
ez  many  men  hev  since,  and  wun  uv  em  wuz  a tough  one,  who 
hed  a taste  for  that  pertikeler  branch  uv  agriculture  known  ez 
sowin  wild  oats.  He  left  his  home  and  went  into  far  countries, 
makin  the  old  man  shel  out  his  share  uv  the  estate,  and  he  lived 
high,  jist,  my  brethren,  ez  yoor  boys  do,  or  rather,  did,  when 
they  went  to  Noo  Orleans,  in  the  days  when  yoo  hed  a nigger 
or  two  wich  yoo  cood  sell  to  supply  em  with  money.  He 
played  draw  poker  and  faro  ; he  drank  fancy  drinks,  and  boarded 
at  big  hotels  ; and  he  follered  after  strange  women,  which  ’ll 
bust  a man  quicker  nor  any  one  small  sin  the  devil  hez  yet  in- 
vented, ez  yoor  pastor  kin  testify.  Uv  course,  his  pile  give 
out,  and  he  got  down,  my  friends,  did  this  ingenuous  yooth,  to 
rags  and  wretchedness,  and  ended  in  being  an  overseer  uv 
swine.  What  did  he  do  ? He  ariz  and  went  to  his  father,  and 
the  old  man  saw  him  afar  off*,  and  went  out  to  meet  him,  and 
fell  onto  his  neck,  and  give  him  a order  for  a suit  of  clothes 
and  a pair  uv  boots,  and  put  a ring  onto  his  finger,  and  made  a 
feast,  killin  for  the  purpose  the  fatted  calf  wich  he  hed  saved 
for  another  occasion. 

My  friends,  you  kin  find  in  the  Skripter  siithin  applicable 
to  every  occasion,  and  this  parable  fits  the  present  time  like  a 
ready-made  coat.  The  South  is  the  Prodigal  Son.  We  went 
out  from  our  father’s  house  on  a expedition  wich  hezn’t  proved 
altogether  a success.  We  spent  our  share  uv  the  estate,  and 
a little  more.  We  run  through  with  our  means,  and  hev  cum 
down  to  rags,  and  dirt,  and  filth,  and  hunger.  IVe  are,  and 
hev  bin  some  time,  a chawin  husks.  We  run  out  after  them 
twin  harlots.  Slavery  and  State  Rights,  and  they’ve  cleaned  us 


THE  CHURCH  MILITANT. 


293 


out.  Our  pockets  are  empty.  No  more  doth  the  pleasant  half- 
dollar  jingle  in  sweet  unison  agin  its  fellows.  Our  wallets  is 
barren  uv  postal  currency,  and  the  grocery-keepers  mourn,  and 
refuse  to  be  comforted,  becoz  we  are  not.  We  hev  got  to  the 
husk  stage  uv  our  woe,  and  wood  be  tendin  hogs,  ef  the  armies, 
wich  past  through  these  countries,  hed  left  us  any.  We  hev 
come  back.  In  rags  and  dirt  we  hev  wended  our  way  to  Wash- 
ington, and  ask  to  be  taken  back.  Now,  why  don’t  our  father, 
the  Government,  fulfil  the  Skripter?  Why  don’t  it  see  us  afar 
off,  and  run  out  to  meet  us  ? Why  don’t  it  put  onto  us  a purple 
robe  ? Where’s  the  ring  for  our  finger,  and  the  shoes  for  our 
feet  ? and  where’s  the  fatted  calf  he  ought  to  kill  ? My  breth- 
ren, them  Ablishnists  is  worse  than  infiddles  — while  they 
preach  the  gospel  they  won’t  practise  it.  For  my  part, 

At  this  point  a sargent,  belongin  to  that  infernal  Burow,  who 
wuz  in  the  audience,  with  enough  uv  soldiers  to  make  opposin 
uv  him  unpleasant,  sed  he  hed  bin  a sort  uv  an  exhorter  in  his 
day,  and  desired  to  say  a word  in  explanation  uv  that  parable, 
ez  applicable  to  the  present  time ; and,  sez  he,  ef  I am  inter- 
rupted, remember  I b’long  to  the  church  military,  wich  is,  just 
now,  the  church  triumphant.”  And  cockin  his  musket  he  pro- 
ceeded, very  much  uninterrupted. 

The  prodigal  son,”  sez  he,  wuz  received  by  the  old  man 
with  considerable  doins,  but,  my  worthy  friends,  he  went  out 
decently.  He  didn’t,  ez  soon  ez  he  withdrawed  from  the  house, 
turn  around  and  make  war  onto  the  old  gentleman  — he  didn’t 
burn  his  house  and  barns,  tear  up  his  garden,  burn  his  fences, 
and  knock  down  the  balance  uv  his  children.  Not  any.  He 
went  away  peaceably,  a misguided  good-for-nothin,  but  yet  a 
peaceable  good-for-nothin.  Secondly,  he  come  back  uv  his  own 
akkord.  The  old  man  didn’t  go  after  him,  and  fight  for  four 
years,  at  a cost  uv  half  his  substance,  to  subdue  him  and  bring 
him  back,  but  when  he  hed  run  through  his  pile,  and  squandered 
his  share  uv  the  estate,  and  got  hungry,  he  came  back  like  a 
whipped  dog. 

“ My  friends,  let  me  draw  a parallel  between  these  cases. 

“ Tlie  Prodigal  Son  went  out,  — so  did  the  South,  — thus 
farly  the  cases  is  alike. 


294 


AND  ITS  STATEMENT. 


The  Prodigal  didn’t  steal  nothin.  The  Confederacy  took 
everything  it  cood  lay  its  hands  on. 

The  Prodigal  spent  only  what  wuz  his  to  spend.  The  Con- 
federacy spent  not  only  all  it  stole,  but  all  it  cood  borrer,  when 
it  knowed  its  promises  to  pay  wuzent  worth  the  mizable  paper 
they  wuz  printed  onto. 

The  Prodigal,  when  he  did  come,  come  ez  penitent  ez  the 
consciousness  that  he  hed  made  a fool  uv  hisself  cood  make 
him.  The  Confederacy  wuz  whipped  back,  but  it  still  swears 
hefty  oaths  that  it  wuz  right  all  the  time. 

The  Prodigal  didn’t  demand  veal  pot-pies,  and  purple  robes, 
and  sich,  but  begged  to  be  a servant  unto  the  more  sensible 
brethren  wich  stayed.  The  South  comes  back  demandin  office, 
uv  wich  the  fatted  calf,  and  rings,  and  purple  robes  is  typical, 
and  considerably  more  share  in  the  government  than  it  had 
before  it  kicked  over  the  traces,  and  went  out. 

Spozn  the  Bible  prodigal  hed  stopped  his  parient,  and  re- 
marked to  him  thus  : ‘ I am  willin  to  come  back,  on  conditions. 
Yoo  must  pay  my  debts  — yoo  must  give  me  an  ekal  share  uv 
the  farm  with  the  other  boys  — yoo  must  treat  me  in  all  re- 
specks just  ez  ef  I hadn’t  gone  out,  and  — this  is  essential  — 
yoo  must  take  with  me  all  the  sharpers  who  ruined  me,  all  the 
gamblers  and  thieves  with  whom  1 fell  in  while  I wuz  away, 
and  make  them  head  men  on  the  place  ; and  above  all,  I hev 
with  me  the  two  harlots  wich  wuz  the  prime  cause  of  my  ruin, 
and  they  must  hev  eleven  of  the  best  rooms  in  the  house,  and 
must  be  treated  ez  your  daughters.  To  avoid  displeasin  the 
others.  I’ll  dress  em  in  different  clothes,  but  here  they  must 
stay.  Otherwise,  I’ll  go  out  agin.’ 

Probably  the  old  gentleman  wood  hev  become  indignant, 
and  would  hev  remarked  to  him  to  go,  and  never  let  him  see 
his  audacious  face  agin,  or  rather,  he  would  hev  strangled  the 
harlots,  scattered  the  blacklegs,  and  choked  the  young  sprout 
into  submission.  Them’s  me.  I am  anxious  to  kill  that  fatted 
calf,  and  am  also  anxious  to  put  on  yoo  robes  and  shoes.  But, 
alas  ! the  calf  suffered  from  want  uv  attention  so  long  doorin 
the  late  misunderstandins  that  he’s  too  poor  — the  robes  wuz 
all  cut  up  into  bloo  kotes  for  the  soljers  we  sent  out  to  fetch 
yoo  in  — the  shoes  they  wore  out,  and  the  rings  — Jeff  son 


A VISION. 


295 


Davis  wears  the  only  style  we  hev.  When  you  come  back  in 
good  shape,  yool  find  us  ready  to  meet  yoo  ] but  till  then,  chaw 
husks  ? ” 

Lookin  around,  this  armed  tyrant  remarked  that  there  would 
be  no  more  preaching  that  day,  and  sadly  the  congregation 
dispersed. 

I am  heart  sick.  At  every  turn  I make  that  Burow  stares 
me  in  the  face,  and  counteracts  my  best  endeavors.  It’s 
curious,  though,  what  different  sermons  kin  be  preached  from 
the  same  text,  and  it’s  also  curious  how  quiet  our  folks  listen 
to  a Ablishnist  who  hez  muskets  to  back  him. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Disjpensashun. 


cx. 

A PLEASANT  DBEAM,  THE  PHILADELPHIA  CON- 
VENTION BEING  THE  SUBJECT  THEREOF. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

July  28,  1866.  > 

My  dreams,  uv  wich  I hev  hed  many  doorin  the  past  five 
years,  hevent  bin  overly  pleasant ; indeed,  they  hev  taken 
more  the  shape  uv  hideous  nitemares  than  anything  else  — 
Linkin,  Grant,  Sherman,  and  armies  dressed  in  blue,  figurin 
extensively  therein.  But  last  nite  I hed  a vision  wich  more 
than  repaid  me  for  all  I hev  suffered  heretofore.  I hed  bin  at 
the  Corners  assistin  in  inauguratin  a new  grocery.  The 
proprietor  wuz  a demoralized  Ablishnist  who  hed  sold  likker 
surreptitiously  in  Maine,  among  them  Ablishnists,  and  conse- 
kently  hed  no  idea  uv  the  quantity  a full  grown  Kentucky 
Democrat  cood  throw  hisself  outside  uv.  His  entire  capital 
with  which  he  proposed  to  commence  biznis  wuz  one  barrel  uv 
new  corn  whiskey,  and  some  other  necessaries,  and  ez  a starter, 


The  Philadelphia  convention,  which  met  a few  weeks  after  the  date  of  this 
“ dream,”  followed  very  closely  the  suggestions  contained  in  it. 


296 


THE  ORGANIZATION. 


to  make  tbe  acquaintance  uv  his  customers,  he  announced  one 
free  nite,  and  invited  the  entire  community.  His  invitashun 
wuz  considered  generous,  and  we  met  it  in  the  same  noble  sperit 
— in  a more  nobler  sperit  than  the  confidin  and  ignorant  man 
desired,  in  fact ; for  when  we  got  through,  in  about  thirty-eight 
minits,  there  wuzn’t  a drop  uv  the  whiskey  left,  and  while  the 
new  grocery  keeper  wuz  a rollin  uv  us  out,  he  wnz  cussin  his- 
self  for  a fool.  He  didn’t  open  agin  ; he  consoomed  his  stock  in 
trade  in  givin  the  blow-out  to  sekoor  customers.  His  stock,  like 
A.  Johnson’s  Unionism,  didn’t  survive  an  inaugerashen. 

1 succumbed  in  a fence  corner,  and,  overpowered  ez  I wuz, 
slept, 

“ A sweetly  dreamin  — 

Dream  in  the  happy  hours  away.” 

Methought  I wuz  in  Philadelphia,  and  the  14th  uv  August 
had  arriv.  There  wuz  a glorious  assemblage,  ez  Doolittle  sed, 
uv  the  brains  and  hearts  uv  the  country,  and  I may  add,  ez  I 
and  Humphrey  Marshall  wuz  there,  uv  the  bowels  likewise. 
The  Convenshun  wuz  as*semblin.  There  wuz  Seward  present, 
engineerin  uv  it.  On  one  side  uv  him  I notist,  in  my  dream,  a 
shadowy  bein  with  wings,  draped  in  white,  and  wearin  a 
melonkoly  look,  with  one  hand  a lyin  on  his  shoulder,  a tryin 
to  take  him  out  uv  the  hall,  while  another  bein,  with  wings  like 
a bat,  hed  him  by  the  nose,  and  wuz  a twistin  uv  him  jest  ez 
he  desired.  I notist  that  this  last  mentioned  bein  hed  hoofs, 
wich  wuz  split,  and  a tail  wich  he  wuz  flirtin  in  great  glee. 
The  bein  with  the  tail  and  hoofs  whispered  suthin  in  Seward’s 
ear,  whereupon  he  moved  that  that  eminent  patriot,  Ex-Presi- 
dent Franklin  Pierce,  be  chairman  ; upon  wich  the  sliadowy 
bein  in  white  unfolded  her  wings,  and  flew  away,  castin  at 
William  the  most  sorrowful  look  I ever  saw,  the  hoofed  and 
tailed  individooal  laughin  tremendous.  The  Ex-President  took 
the  chair,  and  one  Vice-President  wuz  appointed  from  each 
State,  ceptin  Vermont  and  Massachoosits.  My  buzzum  swelled 
with  emoshen  ez  that  list  wuz  read ; it  wuz  more  like  an  old- 
fashioned  Democratic  Convenshun  than  anything  1 hed  heard 
for  five  long  years.  I heard  the  honored  names  uv  Toombs 
and  Rhett,  Pryor  and  Lee,  Slidell  and  Rosso,  and  Dandridge 
and  Forrest ; I heard  the  names  uv  Craven  and  Pollard, 


WHO  SHOULD  BE  ADMITTED. 


297 


Thompson  and  Forsyth,  and  I felt  like  him  nv  old  — Mine 
eyes  hev  seen  thy  glory,  now  let  thy  servant  depart  in  peace.’’ 
Nothing  but  the  certainty  that  I wood  at  last  hev  that  Post 
Offis  at  the  Corners  kept  me  from  goin  up.  Single r wat  slen- 
der ties  hold  us  to  earth  ! 

The  Secretaries  wuz  apinted,  and  then  the  committees  — two 
on  each  from  the  South  and  one  from  the  North,  wich  wuz 
consiliatin.  I wuz  put  on  the  committee  on  credenshals,  Ran- 
dall, the  Postmaster-General,  bein  the  Northern  representative. 
We  hed  our  hands  full:  There  wuz  a rush  made  on  us,  so 

many  claimin  seats  that  we  locked  the  doors  for  two  hours  to 
decide  what  shood  be  the  proper  qualification  for  a place. 
Finally  we  agreed  to  admit  ez  delegates, — 

From  the  North  — all  Democrats  who  hed  bin  arrested  by 
Linkin’s  minyuns;  all  officers  who  hed  resined  rather  than  to 
seiwe  in  a Ablishun  war,  and  all  Republikins  who  cood  show  a 
commishun  ez  Postmaster  and  sich,  and  (this  wuz  considered 
necessary  to  guard  agin  imposition)  who  wuz  willin  to  take 
his  solemn  oath  that  he  wuz  a steadfast  bleever  in  everything 
A.  Johnson  hed  did  sence  Janooary,  ’66  (ceptin  sum  small 
items  wich  wuz  specified),  and  all  he  wuz  doin,  and  all  he 
mite  do. 

From  the  South  — all  who  cood  show  a officer’s  commission 
in  the  late  Confedrit  army : all  who  had  receeved  a pardon 
from  A.  Johnson,  and  all  who  hed  lost  their  niggers  in  an 
unholy  war,  wich  inclooded  all  present. 

This  decided  upon,  the  work  wuz  done.  The  delegates  took 
their  seats,  and  the  grate  work  uv  Reconstructin  the  Unyun 
commenced.  Garret  Davis  wanted  to  make  a speech,  and  a 
hall  wuz  hired  for  him  in  another  part  uv  the  city,  and  fifty  or 
sixty  German  emigrants,  who  coodent  understand  a word  uv 
English,  hired  at  a shillin  an  hour  to  act  ez  audience.  Five 
kegs  uv  lager  beer,  a flooid  wich  I hev  bin  told  Germans  tie 
to,  hed  bin  rolled  in  the  hall,  and  most  uv  them  stayed  seven 
hours  and  a half. 

In  the  regler  Hall  there  wuz  a comminglin  which  wuz 
edifyin.  Doolittle  wood  make  a motion,  and  Vallandigham 
wood  second  it.  Forrest  made  a speech,  and  Randall  indorsed 
it.  Seward  and  John  Morrissey  were  on  the  Committee  on 


298 


THE  RESOLUTIONS. 


Eesolutions,  and  Dick  Taylor  and  Cowan  were  occiipyin  one 
seat.  The  resolutions  were  brief  and  to  the  pint.  They 
'resolved  that, — 

Whereas,  there  hed  bin  a season  uv  unpleasantness  in  our 
national  history,  wich,  owin  to  circumstances  over  wich  nobody 
hed  any  control,  extended  over  several  periods  uv  ninety  days 
each ; and 

Whereas,  the  unpleasantness  resulted  from  the  two  sections 
viewin  things  each  from  its  own  standpint,  instead  uv  viewin 
things  from  the  other^s  standpint ; and 

Whereas,  both  parties  wuz  highly  in  the  wrong,  partikelerly 
the  North ; and 

Whereas,  the  South,  with  a magnanimity  unknown  in  history, 
hed  thrown  down  her  arms,  and  wuz  ready  to  resoom  her  old 
position  in  the  Government  — nay,  more,  to  take  more  than 
her  old  share  in  the  trouble  uv  runnin  the  Government  j 
therefore  be  it 

Resolved,  That  we  are  for  the  Union  ez  it  wuz. 

Resolved,  That  the  persistency  uv  a sectional  Congress,  in 
continuin  the  unpleasantness  wich  hez  to  some  extent  disturbed 
our  system  uv  Government,  in  legislatin  while  eleven  sovereign 
States  is  unrepresented,  is  pizen. 

Resolved,  That  we  view  with  alarm  the  manifest  determina- 
tion uv  Congress  to  centralize  in  theirselves  the  law-makin 
power  uv  the  Government,  and  we  pledge  our  support  to  our 
worthy  Chief  Magistrate,  who  is  a second  Jaxon,  in  his 
efforts  to  check  their  centralizin  schemes  by  vetoin  all  they 
may  do. 

Resolved,  That  all  traces  uv  the  late  onpleasantness  may  be 
wiped  out  ez  soon  ez  possible,  we  demand  uv  Congress  an 
appropriation  for  plowin  over  all  the  fields  on  wich  the  citizens 
uv  the  two  sections  who  wuz  indoost  by  their  respective  Gov- 
ernments, so-called,  to  carry  muskets,  cum  togethei',  particklerly 
them  uv  wich  our  Southern  brethren  got  the  worst  uv  the  dis- 
putes that  ensood. 

Resolved,  That  Congress  shood,  ez  soon  ez  it  convenes, 
change  the  names  uv  Murfreesboro’,  Gettysburg,  Atlanta, 
Vicksburg,  et  settry,  to  sich  names  ez  Smithboro’,  Browns- 


a 


Nasby’s  Dkeam  of  the  Keceftion  op  the  Patriots.  Page  299. 


TABLEAU. 


299 


burg,  Jonesburg,  et  settry,  that  the  serious  unpleasantnesses 
wich  occurred  at  them  places  may  be  remembered  no  more 
forever. 

Besolvedj  That  the  citizens  uv  the  Southern  States  wich  lost 
their  lives,  and  legs,  and  sich,  in  the  late  unpleasantnesses  wich 
hez  bin  referred  to,  ought  to  be  placed  on  the  pension  rolls  the 
same  ez  the  Northern  citizens  who  suffered  likewise  ; and  that 
the  debt  incurred  by  the  South  in  upholdin  things  ez  viewed 
from  its  stand-pint,  is  entitled  to  be  paid  the  same  ez  the  debt 
incurred  by  the  North  in  upholdin  things  ez  viewed  from  its 
stand-pint. 

Resolved^  That  we  are  willin,  for  the  sake  uv  harmony,  to 
admit  that  Sherman  and  Grant  were,  all  things  considered, 
worthy  uv  bein  ranked  with  Lee  and  Jackson. 

Resolved^  That  the  safety  uv  the  Government  demands  that 
sich  ez  took  part  in  the  late  unpleasantnis,  from  the  Southern 
States,  be  to-wunst  admitted  to  Congress,  and  to  the  other 
posishens  wich  they  yoost  to  ornament,  and  that  the  more  un- 
pleasant they  wuz  doorin  the  trouble  the  more  they  ought  to 
be  admitted. 

Resolved,  That  there  be  gushin  confidences,  we  freely  forgive 
the  honored  Secretary  uv  State  for  the  too  free  use  uv  his 
little  bell  door  in  the  late  unpleasantnis,  believin  that  he  viewed 
things  from  his  own  stand-pint  instead  uv  somebody  else’s, 
wich  alluz  causes  trouble. 

At  this  pint.  His  Eggslency,  Andrew  Johnson,  supported  by 
Secretary  Wells  on  the  wun  side  and  Vice-President  Stephens 
on  one  other,  with  Bukanan  in  front  and  Toombs  behind,  entered 
the  hall.  Sich  a cheerin  I never  heerd.  Hats  wuz  slung  into 
the  air,  and  seats  wuz  torn  up.  Proudly  they  advanced  up  the 
'aisle,  treading,  ez  they  went,  onto  a portrait  uv  Linkin  wich  a 
enthusiastic  Connecticut  delegate  tore  from  the  wall  and  throwd 
before  em.  They  took  their  position  on  the  stage,  General 
Buell  holdin  over  em  a Fedral  flag,  and  General  Henry  A. 
Wise,  uv  Virginny,  a Confedrit  flag,  both  wavin  em  to  the 
music  uv  the  bands ; one  a playin  Dixie,  and  the  other  Yankee 
Doodle. 

At  this  pint  me  thought  the  sperit  uv  Washinton  floated  into 


300 


THE  AWAKENING. 


the  hall,  and  for  a minnit  contemplated  the  countenance  uv 
President  Johnson.  In  my  dreem  I heerd  him  murmur,  “ There 
wuz  me,  and  Adams,  and  Jefferson,  and  Monroe,  and  sich,  and 
then  cum  Fillmore,  and  Peerce,  and  Bookannon,  and,  good 
God  ! Johnson  ! Faugh  ! ” and  1 notist  that  George  spit  ez  tho’ 
suthin  in  his  mouth  didn’t  taste  well.  In  fact,  the  Father  uv 
his  country  looked  sick,  and  spreadin  his  wings,  the  sperit 
moved  out  uv  the  hall,  shakin  the  sperit  dust  off  uv  his  sper- 
itool  boots  ez  he  shot  thro’  the  sky-lite. 

There  wuz  then  a blank  in  my  dream.  When  I resoomed,  I 
was  at  the  Post-offis  Department  the  next  mornin.  The  gullotin 
hed  commenced  work,  and  the  supporters  uv  the  constitushun 
were  reseevin  their  commissions  ez  postmasters  ez  fast  ez  four 
hundred  clerks  cood  make  em  out.  Ez  I pressed  forward,  Ban- 
dall  liisself  give  me  mine.  Take  it,  my  venerable  friend,” 
sez  he,  with  tears  a gushin  down  his  cheeks ; take  it.  No 
more  shall  that  Demokrat  in  your  township  who  takes  a 
paper  reseeve  it  contaminated  by  the  touch  uv  a Ablishin 
radical.” 

At  this  critical  pint  I awoke.  Wood  that  that  dream  wuz  a 
reality  ! Will  I only  git  that  post-offis  in  a dream  ? 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby, 

Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 

CXI. 

EEWABD  OF  VIRTUE.  — THE  VIRTUOUS  PATRIOT 
SECURES  HIS  LOAF.  — JOLLIFICATION. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Koads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

August  12,  1866.  > 

At  last  I hev  it ! Finally  it  come  ! After  five  weary  trips 
to  Washington,  after  much  weary  waitin  and  much  travail,  I 
hev  got  it.  I am  now  Post  Master  at  Confedrit  X Roads,  and 
am  dooly  installed  in  my  new  position.  Ef  I ever  hed  any 
doubts  ez  to  A.  Johnson  bein  a better  man  than  Paul  the 


THE  JOHNSONIAN  CATECHISM. 


301 


Apossle,  a look  at  my  commission  removes  it.  If  I ketch 
myself  a feelin  that  he  deserted  us  onnecessarily  five  years 
ago,  another  look,  and  my  resentment  softens  into  pity.  Ef  I 
doubt  his  Democrisy,  I look  at  that  blessed  commission,  and  am 
reassured,  for  a President  who  cood  turn  out  a wounded  Fed- 
eral soldier,  and  appoint  sich  a man  ez  me,  must  be  above  sus- 
picion. 

I felt  it  wuz  coming  two  weeks  ago.  I received  a cirkler 
from  Randall,  now  my  sooperior  in  offis,  propoundin  these  ques- 
tions : — 

1.  Do  yoo  hev  the  most  implicit  faith  in  Androo  Johnson,  in 
all  that  he  hez  done,  all  that  he  is  doin,  and  all  he  may  here- 
after do  ? 

2.  Do  you  bleeve  that  the  Philadelphia  Convenshun  will  be 
a convocashen  uv  saints,  all  actuated  by  pure  motives,  and 
devoted  to  the  salvation  uv  our  wunst  happy,  but  now  dis- 
tractid  country  ? 

3.  Do  yoo  bleeve  that,  next  to  A.  Johnson,  Seward,  Doolittle, 
Cowan,  and  Randall  are  the  four  greatest,  and  purest,  and  best- 
est,  and  self-sacrificinest,  and  honestest,  and  righteousist  men 
that  this  country  hez  ever  prodoost  ? 

4.  Do  yoo  bleeve  that  there  is  a partikelerly  hot  place  re- 
served in  the  next  world  for  Trumbull,  a hotter  for  Wade,  and 
the  hottest  for  Sumner  and  Thad  Stevens  ? 

5.  Do  yoo  approve  uv  the  canin  uv  Grinnell  by  Rosso  ? 

6.  Do  yoo  consider  the  keepin  out  uv  Congris  eleven  sovrin 
states  a unconstooshnel  and  unwarrantid  assumption  uv  power 
by  a secshnal  Congris  ? 

7.  Do  yoo  bleeve  the  present  Congris  a rump,  and  that 
(eleven  states  bein  unrepresented)  all  their  acts  are  uncon- 
stooshnel and  illegal,  ceptin  them  wich  provides  for  payin 
salaries  ? 

8.  Do  yoo  bleeve  that  the  Memphis  and  Noo  Orleans  un- 
pleasantnesses wuz  brot  about  by  the  unholy  machinashens  uv 
them  Radical  agitators,  actin  in  conjunction  with  ignorant  and 
besotted  niggers,  to  wreak  their  spite  on  the  now  loyal  citizens 
uv  those  properly  reconstructed  cities  ? 

9.  Are  yoo  not  satisfied  that  the  Afrikin  citizens  uv  Ameri- 


302 


A PROCESSION. 


kin  descent  kin  be  safely  trusted  to  the  operations  uv  the  uni- 
versal law  wich  governs  labor  and  capital  ? 

10.  Are  yoo  willin  to  contribute  a reasonable  per  cent,  uv 
yoor  salary  to  a fund  to  be  used  for  the  defeat  uv  objectionable' 
Congrismen  in  the  disloyal  states  North  ? 

To  all  uv  these  inquiries  I not  only  answered  yes,  but  went 
afore  a Justis  uv  the  Peace  an  took  an  affidavit  to  em,  for- 
warded it  back,  and  my  commission  wuz  forthwith  sent  to  me. 

There  wuz  a jubilee  the  nite  it  arriv.  The  news  spread 
rapidly  through  the  four  groceries  uv  the  town,  and  sich 
another  spontaneous  outbust  uv  joy  I never  witnessed. 

The  bells  rung,  and  for  an  hour  or  two  the  Corners  wuz  in 
the  wildest  state  uv  eggsitement.  The  citizens  congratoolated 
each  other  on  the  certainty  uv  the  acceshun  uv  the  President 
to  the  Dimocrisy,  and  in  their  enthoosiasm  five  nigger  families 
were  cleaned  out,  two  uv  em,  one  a male  and  tother  a female, 
wuz  killed.  Then  a perceshun  wuz  organized  as  follers : — 

Two  grocery  keepers  with  bottles. 

Deekin  Pogram. 

Me,  wdth  my  commishun  pinned  onto  a banner,  and  under  it 
written,  In  this  Sign  we  Conker.’^ 

Wagon  with  tabloo  onto  it : A nigger  on  the  bottom  boards, 
Bascom,  the  grocery  keeper,  with  one  foot  onto  him,  holdin  a 
banner  inscribed,  “ The  Nigger  where  he  oughter  be.” 

Citizen  with  bottle. 

Deekin  Pogram’s  daughter  Mirandy  in  a attitood  uv  wallopin 
a wench.  Banner  : WeVe  Regained  our  Rites.” 

Two  citizens  with  bottles  tryin  to  keep  in  perceshun. 

Two  more  citizens,  wich  hed  emptyd  their  bottles,  fallin  out 
by  the  way  side. 

Citizens,  two  and  two,  with  bottles. 

Wagon,  loaded  with  the  books  and  furnitur  uv  a nigger  skool, 
in  a state  uv  wreck,  with  a ded  nigger  layin  on  top  uv  it,  wich 
hed  bin  captoored  within  the  hour.  Banner  : My  Policy.” 

The  perceshun  mooved  to  the  meetin  house,  and  Deekin 
Pogram  takin  the  Chair,  a meetin  wuz  to-wunst  organized. 

The  Deekin  remarked  that  this  wuz  the  proudest  moment  uv 
his  life.  He  wuz  gratified  at  the  appintment  uv  his  esteemed 


Pkocessiun  at  Con.fedrit  X Roads.  Page  302. 


i-. 


,,Jj  ; f 


: - - 


o 


"?'!'.-'l  '4.^# 


.■:fc;ll 


a' 


:nM 

■m& 


.■.>.'  ' ■'  ■ 1:. 


fm 


THE  deacon’s  speech. 


/ 


303 


friend,  becoz  he  appreciated  the  noble  qualities  wich  wuz  so 
conspikuous  into  him,  and  becoz  his  arduous  services  in  the 
coz  uv  Dimokrisy  entitled  him  to  the  posishun.  All  these  wuz 
aside  uv  and  entirely  disconnected  from  the  fact  that  there 
wood  now  be  a probability  uv  his  gittin  back  a little  matter  uv 
nine  dollars  and  sixty-two  cents  Hear ! hear  ! ”)  wich  he  hed 
loaned  him  about  eighteen  months  ago,  afore  he  had  knowed 
him  well,  or  lamed  to  love  him.  But  there  wuz  anuther  rea- 
son why  he  met  to  rejoice  to-nite.  It  showed  that  A.  Johnson 
meant  biznis ; that  A.  Johnson  wuz  troo  to  the  Dimokrasy,  and 
that  he  hed  fully  made  up  his  mind  to  hurl  the  bolts  uv  offishl 
thunder  wich  he  held  in  his  Presidenshal  hands  at  his  enemies, 
and  to  make  fight  in  earnest ; that  he  wuz  goin  to  reward  his 
friends  — them  ez  he  cood  trust.  Our  venerable  friend’s  bein 
put  in  condishun  to  pay  the  confidin  residents  uv  the  Corners 
the  little  sums  he  owes  them  is  a good  thing  (“  Hear  ! ” ^^Hear  ! ” 
“ Troo  ! ” “ Troo  ! ” with  singular  unanimity  from  every  man  in 
the  bildin),  but  wat  wuz  sich  considerashuns  when  compared 
to  the  grate  moral  effect  uv  the  decisive  movement  ? A 
d — d site  ! ” shouted  one  grocery  keeper,  and  ‘‘We  don’t  want 
no  moral  effect ! ” cried  another.)  My  friends,  when  the  news 
uv  this  bold  step  uv  the  President  goes  forth  to  the  South,  the 
price  uv  Confederit  skript  will  go  up,  and  the  shootin  uv  nig- 
gers will  cease  ; for  the  redempshun  uv  the  first  I consider 
ashoored,  and  the  redoosin  uv  the  latter  to  their  normal  con- 
dishun I count  ez  good  ez  done. 

Squire  Gavitt  remarked  that  he  wuz  too  much  overpowered 
with  emoshun  to  speak.  For  four  years,  nearly  five,  the  only 
newspaper  wich  come  to  that  offis  hed  passed  thro’  the  polluted 
hands  uv  a Ablishnist.  He  hed  no  partikler  objecshun  to  the 
misguided  man,  but  he  wuz  a symbol  uv  tyranny,  and  so  long 
ez  he  sot  there,  he  reminded  em  that  they  were  wearin  chains. 
Thank  the  Lord,  that  day  is  over  ! The  Corners  is  redeemed, 
the  second  Jaxson  hez  risen,  and  struck  off  the  shackles.  He 
wood  not  allood  to  the  trifle  uv  twelve  dollars  and  a half  that 
he  loaned  the  appintee  some  months  ago,  knowin  that  it  wood 
be  paid  out  uv  the  first  money  — 

Bascom,  the  principal  grocery  keeper,  rose,  and  called  the 
Squire  to  order.  He  wanted  to  know  ef  it  wuz  fair  play  to  talk 


304 


bascom’s  remarks. 

sich  talk.  No  man  cood  feel  a more  heart-felt  satisfaction  at 
the  appintment  uv  our  honored  friend  than  him,  showin,  ez  it 
did,  that  the  President  hed  cut  loose  from  Ablishnism,  wich  he 
dispised,  but  he  protestid  agin  the  Squire  undertakin  to  git  in 
his  bill  afore  the  rest  hed  a chance.  Who  furnisht  him  his 
licker  for  eight  months,  and  who  hez  the  best  rite  for  the  first 
dig  at  the  proceeds  uv  the  position  ? He  wood  never  — 

The  other  three  grocery  keepers  rose,  when  Deekin  Pbgram 
rooled  em  all  out  uv  order,  and  offered  the  followin  resolu- 
tions : — 

Whereas,  the  President  hez,  in  a strikly  constooshnel  manner, 
relieved  this  commoonity  uv  an  offensive  Ablishunist,  appinted 
by  that  abhorred  tyrant  Linkin,  and  appinted  in  his  place  a 
sound  constooshnel  Demokrat  — one  whom  to  know  is  to  lend ; 
therefore,  be  it 

Hesolved,  That  we  greet  the  President,  and  ashoor  him  uv 
our  continyood  support  and  confidence. 

Resolved^  That  we  now  consider  the  work  uv  Reconstruction, 
so  far  ez  this  community  is  concerned,  completed,  and  that  we 
feel  that  we  are  wunst  more  restored  to  our  proper  relations 
with  the  federal  government. 

Resolved,  That  the  glorious  defence  made  by  the  loyal  De- 
mocracy uv  Noo  Orleans  agin  the  combined  conventioners  and 
niggers,  shows  that  freemen  kin  not  be  conkered,  and  that  white 
men  shel  rule  America. 

Resolved,  That,  on  this  happy  occasion,  we  forgive  the  Gov- 
ernment for  what  we  did,  and  cherish  nary  resentment  agin 
anybody. 

The  resolutions  wuz  adopted,  and  the  meetin  adjourned  with 
three  cheers  for  Johnson  and  his  policy. 

Then  came  a scene.  Every  last  one  uv  em  hed  come  there 
with  a note  made  out  for  the  amount  I owed  him  at  three 
months.  Kindness  of  heart  is  a weakness  uv  mine,  and  I signed 
em  all,  feelin  that  ef  the  mere  fact  of  writin  my  name  wood  do 
em  any  good,  it  wood  be  crooel  in  me  to  object  to  the  little 
labor  required.  Bless  their  innocent  soles  ! they  went  away 
happy. 


Nasby's  Dream  of  Perfect  Bliss.  Page  305,. 


THE  PHILADELPHIA  CONVENTION. 


305 


The  next  mornin  I took  possesshun  nv  the  offis. 

Am  I awake,  or  am  I dreamin  ? ’’  thought  I.  No,  no  ! it  is 
no  dream.  Here  is  the  stamps,  here  is  the  blanks,  and  here  is 
the  commishun  ! It  is  troo  ! it  is  troo  ! 

I heerd  a child,  across  the  way,  singin,  — 

“ I’d  like  to  be  a angel, 

And  with  the  angels  stand.” 

I woodn’t,  thought  I.  I woodn’t  trade  places  with  an  angel, 
even  up.  A Offis  with  but  little  to  do,  with  four  grocerys 
within  a stone’s  throw,  is  ez  much  happiness  ez  my  bilers  will 
stand  without  bustin.  A angel  forsooth  ! 

■ Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster). 


CXII. 

THE  CONVOCATION  OF  HUNGEY  SOULS  AT  PHILA- 
DELPHIA. — A DESCRIPTION  OF  THAT  MEMORA- 
BLE OCCASION  BY  ONE  WHO  HAD  BEEN  PRO- 
VIDED FOR. 

•Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
August  14,  f866. 

Peace  is  into  me.  I hev  spent  many  happy  periods  in  the 
course  uv  a eventful  life ; but  I never  knowd  what  perfeck 
satisfaction  wuz  till  now.  The  first  week  I wuz  married  to  my 


The  famous  Philadelphia  convention,  in  1866,  was  the  most  gigantic  farce 
ever  played  upon  the  political  stage.  An  old  political  manager,  Randall,  en- 
gineered it,  and  did  his  best  to  make  it  impress  the  people,  but  it  was  an  impossi- 
bility. The  dead  politicians  of  the  twenty  years  previous  seized  this  opportu- 
nity to  air  themselves,  and  their  presence  was  sufficient  to  kill  it.  The  entrance 
of  Couch  of  Massachusetts  and  Orr  of  South  Carolina,  arm-in-arm,  was  in- 
tended to  be  a particularly  impressive  scene,  but  the  people  put  the  proper  esti- 
mate upon  the  claptrap,  and  laughed  where  they  should  have  wept!  The  only 
effect  of  the  gathering  was  a loud  guffaw  from  Maine  to  the  Ohio  River.  Mr. 
Nasby  very  accurately  describes  the  personnel  of  the  convention. 

20 


306 


THE  PREVALENCE  OF  THE  MILITARY. 


Looizer  Jane  it  wuz  heavenly  ; for,  independent  nv  the  other 
blisses  incident  to  the  married  state,  I beleeved  that  she  wuz 
the  undivided  possessor  uv  a farm,  or  ruther  her  father  wuz, 
wich,  on  the  old  man’s  decease,  wood  be  hern,  and  the  pros- 
peck uv  a lifetime  with  a amiable,  well-built  woman,  with  a 
farm  big  enough  to  support  me,  with  prudence  on  her  part, 
wuz  bliss  itself;  and  I enjoyed  it  with  a degree  uv  muchness 
rarely  ekaled,  until  I found  out  that  it  wuz  kivered  more 
deeply  with  mortgages  than  it  wuz  ever  likely  to  be  with 
crops,  and  my  dream  uv  happiness  bustid.  Sweet  ez  wuz  this 
week,  it  wuz  misery  condensed  when  compared  to  the  season 
I hev  jest  passed  through. 

I wuz  a delegate  to  Philadelphia.  I wuzn’t  elected  nor 
nothin,  and  hedn’t  any  credentials  ; but  the  door  uv  the  wig- 
wam I passed,  nevertheless.  The  door-keeper  wuz  a Dimokrat, 
and  my  breath  helped  me ; my  nose,  wich  reely  blossoms  like 
the  lobster,  wuz  uv  yoose  ; but  I spect  my  hevin  a gray  coat 
on,  with  a stand  up  collar,  with  a brass  star  onto  it,  wuz  wat 
finished  the  biznis.  The  Southern  delegates  fought  shy  uv 
me ; but  the  Northern  ones,  bless  their  souls  ! the  minnit  they 
saw  the  star  on  the  collar  uv  my  gray  coat,  couldn’t  do  enuff 
for  me.  They  addressed  me  ez  Kernel  and  Gineral,  and  sed 
this  wuz  trooly  an  unmeritid  honor,”  and  paid  for  my  drinks ; 
and  I succeeded  in  borrowin  a hundred  and  twenty  dollars  of 
em  the  first  day.  I mite  hev  doubled  it ; but  the  fellows  wuz 
took  in  so  easy  that  no  financeerin  wuz  required,  and  it  really 
wuz  no  amusement. 

The  Convenshun  itself  wuz  the  most  affectinist  gatherin  I 
ever  witnist.  I hed  a seat  beside  Pandall,  who  wuz  a managin 
the  concern,  and  I cood  see  it  all.  The  crowd  rushed  into  the 
bildin,  and  filled  it,  when  Randall  desired  attention.  He  beiii 
the  Postmaster  General,  every  one  of  em  dropped  into  his  seat 
ez  though  he  hed  bin  shot,  and  there  wuz  the  most  perfeck 
quiet  I ever  saw.  Doolittle,  who  wuz  the  Cheerman,  winked  at 
Randall,  and  nodded  his  head,  when  Randall  announced  that 
THE  DELEGATES  FROM  SoUTH  KaRLINY  AND  THE  DELEGATES  FROM 
Massachoosits  wood  enter  arm  in  arm!  With  a slow  and 
measured  step  they  come  in  ; and,  at  a signal  from  Randall, 
the  cheerin  commenst  — and  sich  cheerin  I Then  Doolittle 


THE  DEMOCRATIC  BIRD. 


307 


pulled  out  his  white  hankercher,  and  applied  it  to  his  eyes ; 
and  every  delegate  simultaneously  pulled  out  a white  hanker- 
cher, and  applied  it  to  his  eyes. 

To  me,  this  wuz  the  proudest  moment  uv  my  life  ; not  that 
there  wuz  anything  partikilerly  inspiritin  in  the  scene  afore 
me,  for  there  wuzzent.  Orr,  from  South  Caroliny,  looked 
partikilerly  ashamed  of  hisself,  ez  though  he  wuz  goin  thro  a 
highly  nessary,  but  extremely  disgustjn,  ceremony,  and  wuz 
determined  to  keep  up  a stiff  upper  lip  over  it ; and  Couch 
looked  up  to  Orr,  ez  though  he  wuz  afeerd  uv  him,  and  ez 
though  he  felt  flattered  by  Orr’s  condecension  in  walkin  at  all 
with  sich  a umble  .individjooal.  But,  to  my  eyes,  the  scene 
wuz  significant.  I looked  into  the  fucher,  and  wat  did  I see, 
ez  them  two  men  — one  sneekin,  and  tother  ashamed  uv  his- 
self— walked  up  that  aisle?  Wat  did  I see?  I saw  the 
Democrisy  restored  to  its  normal  condishun.  I saw  the  re- 
union uv  the  [WO  wings.  In  fact,  I saw  the  entire  Dimokratic 
bird  reunited.  The  North,  one  wing,  and  the  weakest ; Ken- 
tucky, the  beak,  sharp,  hungry,  and  rapacious  ; South-west,  the 
strong,  active  wing ; Virginny,  the  legs  and  claws  ; Ohio,  the 
heart ; Pennsylvania,  the  stomach ; South  Caroliny,  the  tail 
feathers;  and  Noo  Jersey,  the  balance  of  the  bird,  — I saw 
these  parts,  for  five  years  dissevered,  come  together,  holdin 
nigger  in  one  claw,  and  Post  Ofifises  in  the  other,  sayin,  Take 
em  both  together  ; they  go  in  lots.”  I saw  the  old  Union  — 
the  bold,  chivelrous  Southerner  a guidin,  controllin,  and  di- 
rectin  the  machine,  and  assoomin  to  hisself  the  place  uv  honor, 
and  the  Dimokrat  uv  the  North  follerin,  like  a puppy  dog,  at 
his  heels,  takin  sich  fat  things  ez  he  cood  snap  up ; the  South- 
erner ashamed  uv  his  associations,  but  forced  to  yoose  em  'the 
Northerner  uncomfortable  in  his  presence,  but  tied  to  him  by 
self-interest.  I saw  a comin  back  the  good  old  times  when 
thirty-four  States  met  in  convenshun,  and  let  eleven  rule  em  ; 
and  ez  I contemplated  the  scene,  I too  wept,  but  it  wuz  in  dead 
earnest. 

Wat  are  you  blubberin  for?  ” asked  a enthusiastic  delegate 
in  front  uv*me,  who  wuz  a swabbin  his  eyes  with  a hand- 
kercher. 

I^m  a Postmaster,”  sez  I,  “ and  must  do  my  dooty  in  this 


308 


WHAT  THEY  ALL  HAD  IN  THEIR  EYES. 


crisis.  Wat  are  sheddin  pearls  for  ? retorted  I.  Are 
you  a Postmaster  ? 

“ No/’  sez  he  ; but  I hope  to  be  ; ” and  he  swabbed  away 
with  renood  vigger. 

Wat’s  the  matter  with  the  eyes  uv  all  the  delegates?” 
sez  I. 

“ They’ve  all  got  Post  Offisis  in  em,”  sez  he  ; and  he  worked 
away  faster  than  ever. 

While  gettin  a fresh  handkercher  (wich  I borrered  from  the 
hind  coat  pocket  uv  a delegate  near  me,  and  wich,  by  the  way, 
in  my  delirious  joy,  I forgot  to  say  anything  to  him  about),  I 
looked  over  the  Convenshun,  and  agin  the  teers  welled  up  from 
my  heart.  My  sole  wuz  full  and  overflowin,  and  I slopped  over 
at  the  eyes.  There,  before  me,  sat  that  hero,  Dick  Taylor,  and 
Cuth  Bullitt ; and  there  wuz  the  Nelsons  and  Yeadons,  and 
the  representatives  uv  the  first  families  uv  the  South,  and  in 
Philadelphia,  at  a Convention,  with  all  the  leadin  Demokrats 
uv  the  North,  ceptin  Yallandigham  and  Wood,  and  they  wuz 
skulkin  around  within  call,  with  their  watchful  eyes  on  the 
perceedins.  Here  is  a prospeck  ! Here  is  fatnis  ! The  Presi- 
dent into  our  confidence  ! The  Postmaster  General  a runnin 
the  Convention ! The  bands  a playin  Dixie  and  the  Star 
Spangled  Banner  alternitly,  so  that  nobody  cood  complain  uv 
partiality,  or  tell  reely  wich  side  the  Convention  wuz  on,  or 
wich  side  it  had  been  on  in  the  past ! Ah  I my  too  susceptible 
sole  filled  up  agin  ; the  teers  started  ; but  that  vent  wuznt  enutf, 
and  I fell  faintin  onto  the  floor.  Twenty  or  thirty  Northern 
delegates  seed  me  fallin,  and  ketchin  site  uv  the  gray  coat, 
with  the  brass  star  onto  it,  rushed  to  ketch  me  ; and  they  bore 
me^ut  uv  the  wigwam.  Sed  one,  Wat  a techin  scene  ! over- 
powered by  his  feelins.”  “ Yes,”  sed  another : ‘Gie  deserves  a 
apintment.” 

I didn’t  go  back  to  the  Convention,  coz  I knowd  it  wan’t  no 
yoose  ; and  besides,  after  all  the  teers  that  lied  been  shed,  — 
the  members  wringin  their  handkerchers  onto  the  floor,  — it 
wuz  floppy  under  foot.  Conciliation  and  tenderness  gushed 
out  uv  em.  I knowd  it  would  be  all  right ; it  couldn’t  be  other- 
wise. There  wuz  bonds  wich  held  the  members  together,  and 
prevented  the  possibility  uv  trouble.  Johnson,  hevin  a ambi- 


A SPECK  OP  TROUBLE. 


309 


tion  to  head  a party,  must  hev  a party  to  head.  The  Northern 
delegashun  — wich  hed  formerly  actid  with  the  Ablishnists  — 
couldn’t  do  nothin  without  the  Democracy  Nqrth  ; and  both  on 
em  combined  couldn’t  do  nothin  without  the  Democracy  South. 
The  President  cood  depend  on  the  Democracy  North,  coz  he 
holds  the  offices ; the  Democracy  North  cood  depend  on  the 
President,  coz  he  must  hev  their  votes.  The  President  cood 
depend  on  the  Democracy  South,  coz  they  want  him  to  make  a 
fight  agin  a Ablishen  Congris,  wich  is  a unconstooshnelly 
keepin  uv  em  out,  and  preventin  em  from  wollopin  their 
niggers  ; the  Democracy  South  cood  depend  on  the  President, 
coz  he  must  hev  their  Representatives  in  their  seats  to  beat 
the  Ablishnists  in  Congris,  — all  cood  depend  on  all,  each  cood 
depend  on  the  other,  coz  each  faction,  or  ruther  each  stripe, 
hed  its  little  private  axe  to  grind,  wich  it  coodent  do  without 
the  others  to  turn  the  grind-stone. 

The  Southern  delegates,  some  uv  em,  wuznt  so  well  pleased. 
“What  in  thunder,”  sed  one  uv  em,  “ did  they  mean  by  pilin  on 
the  agony  over  the  Yanks  we  killed  ? by  pledgin  us  to  give  up 
the  ijee  uv  seceshen,  and  by  pledgin  on  us  to  pay  the  Nashnel 
Yankee  debt  ? ” 

“ ’Sh ! ” sed  I ; “ easy  over  the  rough  places.  My  friend, 
they  didn’t  mean  it ; or,  ef  they  did,  we  didn’t.  Is  a oath  so 
hard  to  break?  Wood  it  trouble  that  eminent  patriot  Brecken- 
ridge,  after  all  the  times  he  swore  to  support  the  Constitution, 
to  sware  to  it  wunst  more  ? and  wood  it  trouble  him  to  break 
it  any  more  than  it  did  in  ’61  ? Nay,  verily.  Dismiss  them 
gloomy  thots.  Yallandigham  wuz  kicked  out ; but  a thousand 
mules,  and  all  uv  em  old  and  experienced,  cooden’t  kick  him  oat 
uv  our  service.  Doolittle  talked  Northern  talk,  coz  it’s  a habit 
he’s  got  into  doorin  the  war  ; but  he’ll  git  over  it.  Raymond 
will  be  on  our  side  this  year,  certain,  for  last  year  he  was  agin 
us  ; and  by  the  time  he  is  ready  to  turn  agin,  he’ll  be  worn  to 
so  small  a pint  that  he  won’t  be  worth  hevin  ; and  the  Democ- 
risy  uv  the  North  wuz  alluz  ourn,  and  ef  they  wuzzent,  the 
offices  Johnson  hez  in  reserve  will  draw  em  like  lode  stun. 

“ My  deer  sir,  I wunst  knowd  a Irishman,  who  wuz  since 
killed  in  a Fenian  raid,  employed  as  a artist  in  well  diggin.  It 
wuz  his  lot  to  go  to  the  bottom  uv  the  excavation  and  load  the 


310 


THE  GREAT  PRESIDENTIAL  TOUR. 


buckets  with  earth.  The  dinner  horn  sounded,  and  he,  with 
the  alacrity  characteristic  uv  the  race,  sprang  into  the  bucket, 
and  told  em  to  hist  away ; and  they  histed.  But  ez  they  histed, 
they  amused  theirselves  a droppin  earth  onto  him.  ^ Shtop  ! ^ 
sed  he  ; but  they  didn’t.  ^ Shtop  ! ’ sed  he,  ^ or,  be  gorra  ! I’ll 
cut  the  rope.’  My  dear  sir,  Randall,  and  Doolittle,  and  Seward, 
and  Johnson  are  a histin  us  out  uv  the  pit  we  fejl  into  in  1860. 
Their  little  talk  about  debts,  and  slavery,  and  sich,  is  the  earth 
they’re  droppin  onto  us  for  fun ; but  shel  we,  like  ijeots,  cut 
the  rope  ? Nary ! Let  em  hist ; and  when  we’re  safe  out, 
and  on  solid  ground,  we  kin,  ef  we  desire,  turn  and  chuck  em 
into  the  hole.” 

All  went  off  satisfied : the  Northern  men,  for  they  carried 
home  with  em  their  commishuns  ; I,  feelin  that  my  Post  office 
wuz  sekoor ; for,  ef  with  the  show  we’ve  got,  we  can’t  reffiect 
Johnson,  the  glory  uv  the  Democracy  hez  departed  indeed. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M., 

(wich  is  postmaster.^ 


CXIII. 

THE  GREAT  PRESIDENTIAL  EXCURSION  TO  THE 
TOMB  OF  DOUGLAS.  — FROM  WASHINGTON  TO 
DETROIT. 


At  the  Biddle  House  (wich  is  in  Detroit,  Michigan), ") 

September  the  4th,  1866.  | 

Step  by  step  I am  ascendin  the  ladder  uv  fame ; step  by  step 
I am  climbin  to  a proud  eminence.  Three  weeks  ago  I wuz 
summoned  to  Washington  by  that  eminently  grate  and  good 


The  famous  tour  of  President  Johnson  was  undertaken  ostensibly  in  response 
to  an  invitation  to  assist  in  the  ceremony  of  laying  the  corner  stone  of  a monu- 
ment to  the  lamented  Stephen  A.  Douglas,  but  really  its  object  was  to  strength- 
en the  Johnson  movement.  The  President  believed  that  his  personal  presence 
would  stimulate  his  followers  and  overawe  the  opposition.  General  Grant  and 
Admiral  Farragut  were  invited  to  join  the  party  in  such  a way  as  to  make  a 


THE  APPOINTMENT  OF  A CHAPLAIN. 


311 


man,  Androo  Johnson,  to  attend  a consultation  ez  to  the  pro- 
posed Western  tour,  wich  wuz  to  be  undertaken  for  the  purpose 
uv  arousin  the  masses  uv  the  West  to  sr  sense  uv  the  danger 
wich  wuz  threatnin  uv  em  in  case  they  persisted  in  centralizin 
the  power  uv  the  Government  into  the  hands  uv  a Congress, 
instid  uv  diffusin  it  throughout  the  hands  uv  one  man,  wich  is 
Johnson.  1 got  there  too  late  to  take  part  in  the  first  uv  the 
discussion.  When  I arrove  they  hed  everything  settled  cepting^ 
the  appintment  uv  a Chaplain  for  the  excursion.  The  Presi- 
dent insisted  upon  my  fillin  that  position,  but  Seward  objected. 
He  wanted  Beecher,  but  Johnson  wuz  inflexibly  agin  him.  I 
am  determined,'^  sez  he,  ‘‘  to  carry  out  my  policy,  but  I hev 
some  bowels  left.  Beecher  hez  done  enuff  already,  considerin 
the  pay  he  got.  No,  no  ! he  shel  be  spared  this  trip  ; indeed 
he  shel." 

Very  good,"  said  Seward;  ^^but  at  least  find  some  clergy- 
man who  endorses  us  without  hevin  P.  M.  to  his  honored  name. 
It  wood  look  better." 

I know  it  wood,",  replied  Johnson  ; but  where  kin  we  find 
sich  a one  ? 1 hev  swung  around  the  entire  circle,  and  heven’t 

ez  yet  seen  him.  Nasby  it  must  be." 

There  wuz  then  a lively  discussion  ez  to  the  propriety,  before 
the  procession  started,  of  removin  all  the  Federal  offis-holders 
on  the  proposed  rgute,  and  appintin  men  who  bleeved  in  us 
(Johnson,  Beecher,  and  Me),  that  we  might  be  shoor  uv  a soot- 
able  recepshun  at  each  pint  at  wich  we  wuz  to  stop.  The 
Anointed  wuz  in  favor  uv  it.  Sez  he,  Them  ez  won't  sup- 
port my  policy  shan't  eat  my  bread  and  butter."  Randall  and 
Doolittle  chimed  in,  for  it's  got  to  be  a part  of  their  religion  to 
assent  to  whatever  the  President  sez,  but  I mildly  protested.  I 
owe  a duty  to  the  party,  and  I am  determined  to  do  it. 

refusal  a very  unpleasant  matter,  and  the  President,  who  had  a high  opinion  of 
his  power  before  popular  audiences,  expected  to  convert  the  crowds  which 
were  certain  to  assemble  to  see  these  great  warriors.  The  speeches  he  made  on 
the  trip  are  scarcely  caricatured  in  the  text.  It  was  in  this  instance,  as  in  the 
Philadelphia  Convention.  The  ring  of  office-holders  in  each  town  through 
which  the  party  passed,  organized  a “ tribute  ” to  the  President,  and  the  people 
assembled  in  masses  to  do  honor  to  Grant  and  Parragut,  but  invariably  the 
President  was  greeted  with  unequivocal  tokens  of  disapprobation.  The  venture 
was  a ludicrous  failure,  and  is  fairly  described  in  the  text. 


312 


THE  START. 


Most  sez  I,  a settin  hen  wich  is  lazy  makes  no  fuss ; 

cut  its  head  off,  and  it  flops  about,  for  a while,  lively.  Lincoln’s 
office-holders  are' settin  hens.  They  don’t  like  yoo  nor  yoor 
policy,  but  while  they  are  on  their  nests,  they  will  keep  moder- 
itly  quiet.  Cut  off  their  heads,  and  they  will  spurt  their  blood 
in  your  face.  Ez  to  bein  enshoord  of  a reception  at  each  point, 
you  need  fear  nothing.  Calkulatin  moderately,  there  are  at 
•least  twenty-five  or  thirty  patriots  who  feel  a call  for  every 
offis  in  your  disposal.  So  long,  Yoor  Highnis,  ez  them  offisis 
is  held  just  where  they  kin  see  em,  and  they  don’t  know  wich 
is  to  git  em,  yoo  may  depend  upon  the  entire  enthoosiasm  uv 
each,  individually  and  collectively.  In  short,  ef  there’s  four 
offises  in  a town,  and  yoo  make  the  appointments,  yoo  hev 
sekoored  four  supporters ; till  yoo  make  the  appointments  yoo 
hev  the  hundred  who  expect  to  get  em.” 

The  President  agreed  with  me  that  until  after  the  trip  the 
gullotine  shood  stop. 

Secretary  Seward  sejested  that  a clean  shirt  wood  improve 
my  personal  appearance,  and  akkordingly  a cirkular  wuz  sent 
to  the  clerks  in  the  Departments,  assessin  em  for  that  purpose. 
Sich  uv  em  ez  refoosed  to  contribute  their  quota  wuz  instantly 
dismissed  for  disloyalty. 

At  last  we  started,  and  I must  say  we  wuz  got  up  in  a highly 
conciliatory  style.  Every  wun  of  the  civilians  uv  the  party 
wore  buzzum  pins,  et  settry,  wich  wuz  presented  to  em  by  the 
Southern  delegates  to  the  Philadelphia  Convention,  wich  wuz 
made  uv  the  bones  uv  Federal  soldiers  wich  hed  fallen  at  vari- 
ous battles.  Sum  uv  em  were  partiklerly  valuable  ez  anteeks, 
hevin  bin  made  from  the  bones  uv  the  fust  soldiers  who  fell  at 
Bull  Bun. 

The  Noo  York  recepshun  wuz  a gay  affair.  I never  saw  His 
Imperial  Highness  in  better  spirits,  and  he  delivered  his  speech 
to  better  advantage  than  I ever  heard  him  do  it  before,  and  I 
bleeve  I’ve  heard  it  a hundred  times.  We  left  Noo  York  sadly. 
Even  now,  ez  I write,  the  remembrance  uv  that  perceshun,  the 
recollection  uv  that  banquet,  lingers  around  me,  and  the  taste 
uv  them  wines  is  still  in  my  mouth.  But  we  hed  to  go.  We 
hed  a mishn  to  perform,  and  we  put  ourselves  on  a steamboat 
^ and  started. 


THE  PROGRESS. 


313 


Albany.  — There  wuz  a immense  crowd,  but  the 'Czar  uv  all 
the  Amerikas  didn’t  get  orf  his  speech  here.  The  Governor 
welcomed  him,  but  he  welcomed  him  ez  the  Cheef  Magistrate 
uv  the  nashen,  and  happened  to  drop  in  Lincoln’s  name.  That 
struck  a chill  over  the  party,  and  the  President  got  out  uv  it 
ez  soon  ez  possible.  Bein  reseeved  ez  Chief  Magistrate,  and 
not  ez  the  great  Pacificator,  ain’t  His  Eggslency’s  best  holt. 
It  wuz  unkind  uv  Governor  Fenton  to  do  it.  If  he  takes  the 
papers,  he  must  know  that  His  Mightiness  ain’t  got  but  one 
speech,  and  he  ought  to  hev  made  sich  a reception  ez  wood 
hev  enabled  him  to  hev  got  it  off.  We  shook  the  dust  off  uv 
our  feet,  and  left  Albany  in  disgust. 

Skenactady.  — The  people  uv  this  delightful  little  village 
wuz  awake  when  the  Imperial  train  arrived.  The  changes 
hadn’t  bin  made  in  the  offices  here,  and  consekently  there  wuz 
a splendid  recepshun.  I didn’t  suppose  there  wuz  so  many 
patriots  along  the  Mohawk.  I wuz  pinted  out  by  sum  one  ez 
the  President’s  private  adviser  — a sort  uv  private  Secretary 
uv  State  ; and  after  the  train  started,  I found  jest  211  petitions 
for  the  Post  Offis  in  Skenactedy  in  my  side  coat  pocket,  wich 
the  patriots  who  lied  hurrahed  so  vocifferously  hed  dexterously 
deposited  there.  The  incident  wuz  a.movin  one.  “Thank 
God  ! ” thought  I.  “ So  long  ez  we  hev  the  post  offices  to  give, 
we  kin  alluz  hev  a party.”  The  Sultan  swung  around  the  cirkle 
wunst  here,  and  leaving  the  Constooshun  in  their  hands,  the 
train  moved  off. 

Utica.  — The  President  spoke  here  with  greater  warmth, 
and  jerked  more  originality  than  I hed  before  observed.  He 
introdoost  here  the  remark  that  he  didn’t  come  to  make  a 
speech  ; that  he  wuz  goin  to  shed  a tear  over  the  tomb  uv 
Douglas  ; that,  in  swingin  around  the  circle,  he  hed  fought 
traitors  on  all  sides  uv  it,  but  that  he  felt  safe.  He  shood  leave 
the  Constooshn  in  their  hands,  and  ef  a martyr  wuz  wanted,  he 
wuz  ready  to  die  with  neetness  and  dispatch. 

Pome.  — Here  we  hed  a splendid  recepshun,  and  I never 
heard  His  Majesty  speek  more  felicitously.  He  menshuned  to 
the  audience  that  he  hed  swung  around  the  Southern  side  uv 
the  cirkle,  and  wuz  now  swingin  around  the  Northern  side  uv 
it,  and  that  he  wuz  fightin  traitors  on  all  sides.  He  left  the 


314 


THE  TROUBLE  AT  CLEVELAND. 


ConstitoosKun  in  their  hands,  and  bid  em  good  bye.  I received 
at  this  pint  only  130  petitions  for  the  post  office,  wich  I took 
ez  a bad  omen  for  the  comin  election. 

Lockport.  — The  President  is  improvin  wonderfully.  He 
rises  with  the  occasion.  At  this  pint  he  mentioned  that  he 
wuz  sot  on  savin  the  country  wich  hed  honored  him.  Ez  for 
himself,  his  ambishn  wuz  more  than  satisfied.  He  hed  bin 
Alderman,  Member  uv  the  Legislacher,  Congressman,  Senator, 
Military  Governor,  Vice-President,  and  President.  He  hed 
swung  around  the  entire  circle  uv  offises,  and  all  he  wanted 
now  wuz  to  heal  the  wounds  uv  the  nashen.  He  felt  safe  in 
leavin  the  Constooshn  in  their  hands.  Ez  he  swung  around 
the  cirkle  — ■ 

At  this  pint  I interrupted  him.  I told  him  that  he  hed  swung 
around  the  cirkle  wunst  in  this  town,  and  ez  yooseful  ez  the 
phrase  wuz,  it  might  spile  by  too  much  yoose. 

At  Cleveland  we  begun  to  get  into  hot  water.  Here  is  the 
post  to  which  the  devil  uv  Ablishnism  is  chained,  and  his  chain 
is  long  enough  to  let  him  rage  over  neerly  the  whole  State.  I 
am  pained  to  state  that  the  President  wuzn’t  treated  here  with 
the  respeck  due  his  station.  He  commenst  deliverin  his 
speech,  but  wuz  made. the  subjeck  uv  ribald  laffture.  Skasely 
hed  he  got  to  the  pint  uv  swingin  around  the  cirkle,  when  a 
foul-mouthed  nigger-lover  yelled  ‘‘Yeto!^^  and  another  vocif- 
ferated  Noo  Orleans  ! and  another  remarked  Memphis  ! 
and  one  after  another  interruption  occurred  until  His  Highness 
wuz  completely  turned  off  the  track,  and  got  wild.  He  forgot 
his  speech,  and  struck  out  crazy,  but  the  starch  wuz  out  uv 
him,  and  he  wuz  worsted.  Grant,  wich  we  hed  taken  along  to 
draw  the  crowds,  played  dirt  on  us  here,  and  stepped  onto  a 
boat  for  Detroit,  leavin  us  only  Farragut  ez  a attraction,  who 
tried  twice  to  git  away  ditto,  but  wuz  timely  prevented.  The 
President  recovered  his  ekanimity,  and  swung  around  the  cir- 
kle wunst,  and  leavin  the  Constooshn  in  their  hands,  retired. 

At  the  next  pint  we  wuz  astounded  at  seein  but  one  man  at 
the  station.  He  wuz  dressed  with  a sash  over  his  shoulder, 
and  wuz  wavin  a flag  with  wun  hand,  firin  a saloot  with  a 
revolver  with  the  other,  and  playin  Hail  to  the  Chief! on  a 
mouth  organ,  all  to-wunst. 


THE  PEOCESSION  OF  ONE. 


315 


“ Who  are  you,  my  gentle  friend  ? sez  L 

“ I^m  the  newly-appinted  Postmaster,  sir,’^  sez  he.  “ I’m  a 
perceshun  a waitin  here  to  do  honor  to  our  Cheef  Magistrate, 
all  alone,  sir.  There  wuz  twenty  Johnsonians  in  this  hamlet, 
sir ; but  when  the  commishn  came  for  me,  the  other  nineteen 
wuz  soured,  and  sed  they  didn’t  care  a d — n for  him  nor  his 
policy,  sir.  Where  is  the  President?” 

Androo  wuz  a goin  to  swing  around  the  cirkle  for  this  one 
man,  and ' leave  the  Constooshn  in  his  hands,  but  Seward 
checked  him. 

At  Fremont  we  hed  a handsome  recepshun,  for  the  offises 
hevn’t  bin  changed  there,  but  Toledo  didn’t  do  so  well.  The 
crowd  didn’t  cheer  Androo  much,  but  when  Farragut  wuz 
trotted  out  they  gave  him  a rouser,  wich  wuz  anything  but 
pleasin  to  the  Cheef  Magistrate  uv  this  nashen,  who  bleeves 
in  bein  respected. 

Finally  we  reeched  Detroit.  This  bein  a Democratic  city, 
the  President  wuz  hisself  agin.  His  speech  here  wuz  wun  uv 
rare  merit.  He  gathered  together,  in  one  quiver  all  the  spark- 
lin  arrows  he  had  used  from  Washington  to  this  point,  and  shot 
em  one  by  one.  He  swung  around  the  cirkle  ; he  didn’t  come 
to  make  a speech ; he  hed  bin  Alderman  uv  his  native  town  ; 
he  mite  hev  been  Dicktater,  but  woodent ; and  ended  with  a 
poetickal  cotashun  wich  I coodent  ketch,  but  wich,  ez  near  ez 
I cood  understand,  wuz,  — 

“ Kum  wun,  kum  all;  this  rock  shel  fly 
From  its  firm  base  — in  a pig’s  eye.” 

Here  we  repose  for  the  nite.  To-morrow  we  start  onward, 
and  shel  continue  swingin  around  the  cirkle  till  we  reach 
Chicago. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster), 
and  likewise  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 


316 


THROUGH  MICHIGAN. 


CXIV. 

THE  PRESIDENTIAL  TOUR  CONTINUED.  — FROM 
DETROIT  TO  INDIANAPOLIS. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  \ 
September  11,  1866.  ) 

I AM  at  home,  and  glad  am  I that  I am  at  home.'  Here  in 
Kentucky,  surrounded  by  Dimicrats,  immersed  a part  of  the 
time  in  my  oflSshel  dooties,  and  the  balance  uv  the  time  in 
whiskey,  with  the  privilege  uv  wallopin  niggers,  and  the  more 
inestimable  and  soothing  privilege  uv  assistin  in  mobbin  uv 
Northern  Ablishnists,  who  are  not  yet  all  out  uv  the  State, 
time  passes  pleasantly,  and  leaves  no  vain  regrets.  I alluz  go 
to  bed  at  nite,  feelin  that  the  day  hez  not  bin  wasted. 

From  Detroit  the  Presidential  cavalcade,  or  ez  the  infamous 
Jacobin  Radical  party  irrevelently  term  it,  the  menajery, 
proceeded  to  Chicago.  The  recepshuns  his  Imperial  Highniss 
received  through  Michigan  were  flatterin  in  the  extreme.  I 
continue  my  diary  : — 

Ipslanty.  — At  this  pint  the  President  displayed  that  origi- 
nality and  fertility  uv  imaginashun  karacteristic  uv  him.  The 
recepshun  wuz  grand.  The  masses  called  for  Grant,  and  His 
Highness  promptly  responded.  He  asked  em,  ef  he  wuz  Judis 
Iskariot  who  wuz  the  Saviour  ? Thad  Stevens  ? If  so,  then 
after  swingin  around  the  cirkle,  and  findin  traitors  at  both 
ends  of  the  line,  I leeve  the  thirty-six  States  with  thirty-six 
stars  onto  em  in  yoor  hands,  and  — 

The  train  wuz  off  amid  loud  shouts  uv  Grant ! Grant ! to 
wich  the  President  responded  by  wavin  his  hat. 

Ann  Arbor.  — At  this  pint  the  train  moved  in  to  the ’inspir- 
ing sounds  uv  a band  playin  Hale  to  the  Cheef Yocifrous 
cries  uv  Grant ! Grant ! ” His  Majesty  smilinly  appeared 
and  thanked  em  for  the  demonstration.  It  wuz  soothin,  he 
remarked.  The  air  their  band  wuz  playin,  Hail  to  the  Chief,” 
wuz  appropit,  ez  he  wuz  Chief  Magistrate  uv  the  nashen,  to 
wich  posishen  he  hed  reached,  hevin  bin  Alderman  uv  his 
native  village,  U.  S.  Senator,  et  settry.  The  crowd  hollered 


THE  ENTHUSIASM  OF  THE  MASSES. 


317 


Grant  ! Grant ! ” and  the  President  ■ thanked  em  for  the- 
demonstration.  It  showed  him  that  the  people  wuz  with  him 
in  his  efforts  to  close  his  eyes  on  a Union  uv  thirty-six  States 
and  a flag  uv  thirty-six  stars  onto  it.  Ef  I am  a traitor^  sed  he, 
warmin  up,  who  is  the  Judis  Iscariot?  Ez  I^m  swingin  around 
the  cirkle,  I And  Thad  Stevens  on  the  one  side  and  J eff  Davis 
on  the  — ■ 

The  conductor  cruelly  started  the  train,  without  givin  him 
time  to  finish.  The  crowd  proposed  three  cheers  for  Grant, 
and  the  President  waved  his  hat  to  em,  sayin  that  he  thanked 
em,  showin  as  it  did  that  the  people  wuz  with  him. 

Battle  Creek.  — A large  number  was  assembled  here,  who, 
ez  the  train  stopped,  yelled  Grant  ! Grant  ! ” Affected  to 
tears  by  the  warmth  uv  the  reception,  the  President  thanked  em 
for  this  mark  of  confidence.  Ef  he  ever  hed  any  doubts  ez.to 
the  people’s  bein  with  him,  these  doubts  wuz  removed.  He 
wood  leave  in  their  hands  the  flag  and  the  Union  uv  thirty-six 
States,  and  the  stars  thereto  appertainin;  Ef  he  wuz  a Joodis 
Iskariot  who  wuz  — 

The  crowd  gave  three  hearty  cheers  for  Grant  ez  the 
train  moved  off,  to  wich  the  President  responded  by  wavin 
his  hat. 

Kalamazoo.  — The  offishels  were  on  hand  at  this  pint,  and 
so  wuz  the  people  — four  offishels  and  several  thousand  people, 
which  the  latter  greeted  us  with  cheers  for  Grant ! Grant ! 
The  President  responded,  sayin,  that  in  swingin  around  the 
cirkle,  he  hed  bin  called  Joodis  Iskariot  for  sacrificin  uv  his- 
self  for  the  people ! Who  wuz  the  Saviour  ? Wuz  Thad 
Stevens  ? No ! Then  cleerly  into  yoor  hands  I leave  the 
Constitution  uv  thirty-six  stars  with  thirty-six  States  onto 
em,  intact  and  undissevered. 

The  offishels  received  the  Stars  and  Stripes,  and  amid  cheers 
for  Grant,  for  which  the  President  thanked  em,  the  train  glode 
off  magestically. 

And  so  on  to  Chicago,  where  we  didn’t  git  off  our  speech, 
though  from  the  manner  in  wich  the  people  hollered  Gi^ant ! 
Grant ! we  felt  cheered  at  realizin  how  much  they  wuz  with 
us.  His  eminence  wanted  to  sling  the  thirty-six  States  and 
the  flag  with  the  stars  on  em,  but  ez  General  Logan  wuz 


318 


THE  ETHIOPIAN  COOKS. 


there,  ready  to  fling  it  back,  it  wuz  deemed  highly  prudent 
not  'to  do  it. 

Here  my  trials  commenst.  At  the  Biddle  House,  in  Detroit, 
the  nigger  waiters  showed  how  much  a Afrikin  kin  be  spiled 
by  bein  free.  They  hed  the  impudence  to  refoose  to  icait  on  us^ 
and  for  a half  hour  the  imperial  stumick  wuz  forced  to  fast. 
This  alarmin  manifestation  uv  negro  malignancy  alarmed  His 
Eggsalency.  Thank  God  ! ” sed  he,  “ that  I vetoed  the  Freed- 
men’s  Buroo  Bill.  I hev  bin  Alderman  uv  my  native  town  — 

I hev  swung  around  the  entire  cirkle,  but  this  I never  dreemed 
uv.  What  would  they  do  if  they  hed  their  rites  ? The  inci- 
dent made  an  impression  onto  him,  and  at  Chicago  he  resolved  to 
trust  em  no  longer.  He  ordered  his  meals  to  his  room,  and  sent 
for  me.  My  friend,’’  sed  he,  taste  everything  onto  this  table.” 

“ Why  ? my  liege,”  sed  I. 

<<  Niggers  is  cooks,”  sed  he,  and  this  food  may  be  pizoned. 
They  hate  me,  for  I ain’t  in  the  Moses  bizness.  Taste,  my 
friend.” 

But  spozn,”  sed  I,  that  it  shood  be  pizoned?  Wat  uv  my 
bowels  ? My  stumick  is  uv  ez  much  valyoo  to  me  ez  yourn  is 
to  yoo.” 

Nasby,”  sed  he,  taste  ! Ef  yoo  die,  who  mourns  ? Ef  I 
die,  who’d  swing  around  the  cirkle  ? Who’d  sling  the  flag  and 
the  thirty-six  stars  at  the  people,  who’d  leave  the  Constooshn 
in  their  hands  ? The  country  demands  the  sacrifice  j and 
besides,  ef  yoo  don’t,  off  goes  yoor  ofiishl  head.” 

That  last  appele  fetched  me.  Ruther  than  risk  that  ofSs  I’d 
chaw  striknine,  for  uv  what  akkount  is  a Dimokrat,  who  hez 
wunst  tasted'  the  sweets  uv  place,  and  is  ousted  ? And  from  ^ 
Chicago  on  I wuz  forced  to  taste  his  food  and  likker  — to  act 
ez  a sort  uv  a litenin-rod  to  shed  off  the  vengeance  uv  the 
nigger  waiters.  I wood  taste  uv  every  dish  and  drink  from 
each  bottle,  and  ef  I didn’t  swell  up  and  bust  in  fifteen  minits 


At  Detroit  the  colored  voters  refused  to  serve  the  President.  At  Indian- 
apolis his  reception  was  anything  but  flattering.  The  excitable  people  were 
wrought  up  to  the  pitch  of  replying  to  him  in  terms  anything  but  complimen- 
tary, and  the  meeting  broke  up  in  disorder.  The  office-holders  made  amends, 
however,  for  they  assembled  the  next  morning,  and  he  made  his  speech  to 
them. 


THE  OUTRAGE  AT  INDIANAPOLIS. 


319 


His  serene  Highness  wood  take  hold.  I suffered  several 
deaths.  I resoom  my  diary  : — 

Joliet.  “The  crowd  wuz  immense.  The  peasantry,  ez  the 
train  approached,  rent  the  air  with  shouts  uv  “ Grant ! 

Grant ! ” His  Potency,  the  President,  promptly  acknowl- 
edged the  compliment.  He  wuz  sacrificin  hisself  for  them  — 
who  hed  made  greater  sacrifices  ? He  lied  bin  Alderman  uv 
’ his  native  town,  and  Vice-President ; he  wuz  too  modest  to 
make  a speech,  but  ef  he  wuz  Joodas  Iskariot,  who  wuz  the 
Saviour  ? He  hed  swung  around  the  cirkle,  and  hedn’t  found 
none  so  far.  He  left  in  their  hands  the  — 

And  so  on,  until  near  St.  Louis,  when  we  penetrated  a Dim- 
ocratic  country,  uv  wich  I informed  his  Majesty.  How 
knowest  thou  ? ” sez  he.  I observe,’’  sez  I,  “ in  the  crowds  a 
large  proportion  uv  red  noses,  and  hats  with  the  tops  off.  I 
notice  the  houses  unpainted,  with  pig  pens  in  front  ov  em  ; 
and  what  is  more,  I observe  that  crowds  compliment  yoo  direct, 
instead  of  doin  it,  ez  heretofore,  over  Grant’s  shoulders.  The 
Knights  uv  the  Golden  Cirkle,  wich  I spect  is  the  identical 
cirkle  yoo’ve  bin  swingin  around  lately,  love  yoo  and  approach 
yoo  confidently.” 

The  President  brisked  up,  and  from  this  to  Indianapolis  he 
spoke  with  a flooidity  I never  observed  in  him  before.  I may 
say,  to  yoose  a medikle  term,  that  he  had  a hemorrhage  uv 
words.  At  the  latter  city  our  reception  was  the  most  flatrin 
uv  eny  we  hev  experienced.  The  people,  when  the  President 
appeared  on  the  balcony  uv  the  Bates  House,  yelled  so  vocifer- 
ously for  Grant,  that  the  President,  when  he  stepped  forward 
to  acknowledge  the  compliment,  coodent  be  heard  at  all.  He 
waved  his  hat ; and  the  more  he  waved  it  the  more  compli- 
mentary the  crowd  became.  “ Grant ! ” “ Grant ! ” they  yelled ; 
and  the  more  the  President  showed  himself  the  more  they  yelled 
Grant,  until,  overpowered  by  the  warmth  uv  the  recepshun, 
and  unwilling  to  expose  his  health,  the  President  retired  with- 
out slingin  a speech  at  em,  but  entirely  satisfied  that  the  peo- 
ple wuz  with  him. 

The  next  mornin  the  office-holders  uv  the  State,  without  the 
people,  assembled,  and  he  made  his  regler  speech  to  em,  wich 
appeared  to  be  gratifyin  to  both  him  and  them.  The  President 


320 


GRATIFIED  AT  LAST. 


does  not  like  to  sleep  with  a undelivered  speech  on  his  mental 
stumick.  It  gives  him  the  nitemare. 

Here  1 left  the  party,  for  a short  time,  that  I mite  go  home 
and  attend  to  my  official  dooties.  There  is  five  Northern 
families  near  the  Corners  wich  must  hev  notice  to  leave,  and 
eight  niggers  to  hang.  I hed  orders  to  report  to  the  party 
somewhere  between  Looisville  and  Harrisburgh,  wich  I shall 
do,  ez,  travelin  by  order,  I get  mileage  and  sich. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster), 
and  likewise  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 


cxv. 

THE  END  OF  THE  PRESIDENTIAL  TOUR.-— FROM 
LOUISVILLE  TO  WASHINGTON. 

White  House,  Washington,  D.  C.,  ) 
September  12,  ’66.  ) 

I REJINED  the  Presidenshel  party  at  Looisville,  and  glad  I am 
that  I did  it  at  that  pint.  His  Imperial  Serenity  hed  bin  pleased 
ever  sence  he  left  Chicago,  or  rather  sence  he  got  near  St. 
Loois,  for  two  thirds  uv  Illinois  wuz  pizen,  and  Indianapolis 
wuz  pizener.  From  St.  Loois  the  recepshuns  wuz  trooly  corjel 
and  even  enthoosiastic.  We  got  out  uv  the  region  uv  aristo- 
crats, and  hed  come  down  to  the  hard-fisted  yomanry.  I seed 
holes  thro  the  hats  uv  men  ; I seed  wat  mite  be  called  the  flag 
uv  Democrisy  wavin  from  behind  em,  which,  ez  they  genrally 
either  had  no  coats  at  all,  or  if  any,  they  were  roundabouts, 
wuz  alluz  in  view.  I saw  wimen  who  disdained  stockins  and 
dipped  snuff,  and  I felt  to  home.  I wuz  among  Democracy. 
The  cheerin  for  Grant  and  Farragut  closed  ez  we  got  into 
them  regions,  and  uv  the  vociferous  crowds  half  uv  em,  the 

The  President’s  longing  for  a hearty  reception  was  gratified  at  Louisville. 
The  people  of  that  city  hurrahed  for  no  one  else.  In  that  city  Grant  and 
Farragut  were  ignored. 


A TOUCHING  INCIDENT. 


321 


younger  ones,  cheered  Andrew  Johnson,  while  the  old  veter- 
ans, them  whose  noses  wuz  blossomin  for  the  tomb,  cheered  for 
Andrew  Jackson.  His  Serenity  smilinly  acknowledged 'both,  ^ 
by  makin  a speech  to  em,  and  wavin  his  hat. 

With  these  preliminary  remarks  I resoom  my  diary:  — 

Louisville.  — There  wuz  a magnificent  demonstration  here. 
His  Imperial  Majesty,  who  wuz  in  a eggslent  condition  to  make 
crowds  large  enough,  remarked  to  me  as  we  wuz  ridin  through 
the  streets,  ’Splen  ’splay  ! ’Mor’n  ten  ’unerd  sousand  people 

— mor’n  ten  million  people  — mor’n  ten  ’unerd  million  people 

— mor’n  ten  ’unerd  sousand  million  people  — and  alluvum 
’sporters  my  policy.  ’Rah  for  me  ! ” 

His  Majesty  ondoubtedly  eggsagerated  towards  the  last; 
but  it  is  safe  to  put  the  throng  down  at  a good  many.  That 
estimate  is  entirely  safe.  There  wuz  the  finest  display  uv 
banners  and  sich  I hev  seen  since  we  startid.  The  red,  white 
and  red  wuz  displayed  from  almost  half  the  houses,  ladies 
waved  their  handkerchiefs  ez  we  passed,  and  men  cheered.  A 
pleasin  incident  occurd  here.  I noticed  one  gushin  maiden  uv 
thirty-seven  wavin  her  handkercher  ez  tho  she  wuz  gettin  so 
much  per  wave,  and  had  rent  to  pay  that  nite.  I recognized 
her  to-wunst.  When  I wuz  a citizen  uv  Ohio,  and  wuz  drafted 
into  the  service  uv  the  United  States,  and  clothed  in  a bob- 
tailed blue  coat,  and  hed  a Oystran  muskit  put  into  my  unwillin 
hands,  and  forced  to  fite  agin  my  brethren,  our  regiment  passed 
thro  Looisville  and  stayed  there  some  days.  I wuz  walkin  one 
afternoon,  when  I met  this  identical  angel.  She  saw  my  bloo 
kote,  and  enraged,  spit  in  my  face  with  sich  energy  that  she 
threw  out  uv  her  mouth  a full  sett  uv  false  teeth.  I returned 
em  gallantly,  wiped  my  face  with  my  handkercher,  and  vowed 
that  handkercher  shood  henceforth  be  kept  sacred.  It  wuz ; 
and  when  I seed  her  wavin  hern  at  our  party,  I wept  like  a 
Philadelphia  Convenshen.  I stopped  the  carriage,  met  the 
patriotic  female,  called  her  attention  to  the  incident,  and 
handed  her  my  handkercher  which  hed,  four  years  before, 
wiped  her  spittle.  The  incident  gave  new  vigor  to  her  arms, 
and  from  that  time  she  waved  two  handerchers,  and  mine  wuz 
one  uv  em.  I narrated  the  incident  to  the  President,  and 
he  wept. 


21 


322 


THE  DIARY  CONTINUED. 


There  wuz  a large  perceshen  and  a great  variety  of  banners. 
Among  the  most  noticeable,  wuz  a company  iiv  solgers  uv  the 
..  late  war,  each  with  a leg  off,  dressed  in  the  gray  uniforms  into 
wich  they  hed  bin  mustered  out,  with  this  motto:  “We  are 
willin  to  go  the  other  leg  for  A.  Johnson.”  Another  company 
uv  solgers,  who  hed  each  lost  an  arm,  carried  this  inscription : 
“ What  we  didn’t  get  by  bullets,  we  she!  get  by  ballots.” 

The  President  cut  down  his  speech  jest  one  half  here.  In 
swingin  around  the  cirkle  he  omitted  to  menshen  that  he  found 
traitors  on  the  Southern  side  uv  it.  But  he  left  the  constooshn 
in  their  hands  cheerfully. 

Cincinnati.  — A very  enthoosiastic  recepshun  — continyood 
and  loud  cheers  for  Grant,  wich  the  President  .acknowledged. 
A unsophisticated  Postmaster,  who  jined  us  here,  wanted  to 
know  why  the  people  cheered  for  Grant  instid  uv  the  President, 
to  wich  His  Highness  answered  that  they  wuz  considrit  — they 
knew  his  modesty,  and  wanted  to  spare  his  blushes.  Another 
man,  who  wuz  also  unsophisticated,  asked  him,  confidenshelly, 
ef  he  didn’t  think  there  wuz  a samenis  in  his  speeches,  and 
that  ef  he  didn’t  think  he’d  do  better  to  give  a greater  variety. 
His  Eggslency  asked  him  how  there  cood  be  more  variety. 
“ At  Cincinnati,”  sed  he,  “ I observed  the  followin  order  : — 

“ 1.  I swung  around  the  cirkle  ; 2.  I asked  who  wuz  the 
Saviour  ef  I wuz  Joodis  Iskariot?  3.  I left  the  Constitooshn, 
the  thirty-six  States,  and  the  flag  with  thirty-six  stars  onto  it, 
in  their  hands. 

“ Now,  at  Columbus,  I shel  vary  it  thusly : — 

“ 1.  The  Constitooshn,  flag,  and  stars.  2.  The  Joodis  Iskariot 
biznis.  3.  Swingin  around  the  cirkle. 

“ At  Stoobenville,  agin,  ez  follows : — 

“ 1.  Joodis  Iskariot;  2.  Swingin  around  the  cirkle  ; 3.  Consti- 
tooshn, flag,  and  stars. 

“ And  so  on.  It’s  susceptible  uv  many  changes.  I thot  uv 
that  when  I writ  that  speech,  and  divided  it  up  into  sections 
on  purpose.” 

Johnstown,  Pa.  — A bridge  fell  down,  onto  wich  wuz  four 
hundred  voters,  killin  a dozen  uv  em.  His  Eggslency  felt 
relee ved  when  heerin  uv  the  axident,  at  bein  asshoored  that 
there  wuzn’t  wun  uv  his  supporters  on  the  bridge.  He  con- 


A SPONTANEOUS  TRIBUTE. 


323 


sidered  it  a speshl  Providence.  The  condukter  overlieerd  the 
remark,  and  answered,  that  ef  any  iiv  his  supporters  wuz 
killed  in  that  seckslmn  they’d  have  to  import  wun  for  the 
purpose. 

Mifflin,  Pa.  — A enthoosiastic  indivijjle  who  wants  the  Post 
Office  at  this  place  very  much,  fell  on  the  President’s  neck,  and 
wept,  hailin  him  ez  the  “ Preserver  uv  the  Union.”  The  Presi- 
dent thanked  him  for  this  spontaneous  triboot,  and  left  in  his 
hands  the  Constitooshun,  the  flag,  and  the  appintment  he 
desired. 

Baltimore.  — There  wuz  a spontaneous  recepshun  here, 
wich  wuz  gratifying  to  us.  The  perceshun  wuz  immense,  and 
the  mottoes  expressive.  One  division  wuz  headed  by  the 
identikle  indivijooel  who  fired  the  first  shot  at  the  Massachu- 
setts men  in  1861.  He  is  a ardent  supporter  uv  President 
Johnson’s  policy.  One  flag  wuz  capchered  from  a Injeany 
regiment  at  the  first  Bull  Run,  at  wich  the  President  wept. 

Things  is  becomin  normal,”  sed  he,  when  the  people  will 
stand  that.  Wat  love  ! — wat  unity  ! The  flags  uv  both  sec- 
shuns,  wich  was  lately  borne  by  foes,  now  minglin  in  the  same 
proceshun,  and  all  uv  ern  cheerin  me.” 

At  last  we  arrived  at  Washinton,  hevin  swung  entirely  round 
the  cirkle,  and  found  traitors  North  and  South.  The  demon- 
strashen  to  greet  the  President  on  his  arrival  wuz  immense. 
The  clerks  in  all  the  departments  wuz  out  (at  least  them  ez 
wuzn’t  will  wish  they  hed  bin,  ez  their  names  wuz  all  taken), 
the  solgers  on  duty  wuz  ordered  out,  and  altogether  it  wuz 
the  most  spontaneous  exhibition  I ever  witnest.  The  Maygr 
made  a speech.  The  President  asked  if  he  wuz  Joodis  Iscariot 
who  wuz  the  Saviour  — told  him  he  had  swung  around  the 
entire  cirkle,  and  hed  found  traitors  on  all  sides  uv  it,  though 
sence  he  left  Cleveland,  Chicago,  and  Indianapolis  he  wuz 
satisfied  there  wuz  the  heft  uv  them  in  the  North  ; but  be  this 
ez  it  may,  he  left  the  Constooshn,  and  the  thirty-six  States,  and 
the  flag  with  thirty-six  stars  onto  it,  in  his  hands.  He  had  bin 
Alderman  uv  his  native  village,  and  Congressman,  and  United 
States  Senator,  and  Vice-President,  and  President,  wich  latter 
circumstance  he  considered  forchinit,  but  wuz,  after  all,  an 
Humble  Indivij’le.  He  didn’t  feel  his  oats  much,  and  wood  do 


324 


AT  HOME  AGAIN. 


his  dooty  agin  traitors  North,  ez  well  as  agin  his  misguided 
friends  South.  So  ended  the  Presidential  excursion. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster), 
and  likewise  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 

P.  S.  I forgot  to  menshun  that  at  Chicago  we  laid  the 
corner-stone  uv  a monument  to  Douglas.  The  occurence  lied 
entirely  slipped  my  memory. 

P.  Y.  N. 


CXVI. 

AT  HOME  AGAIN. — A DETAILED  ACCOUNT  OF 
SOUL-HARROWING  OUTRAGES  INFLICTED  UPON 
THE  PEOPLE  OF  CONFEDERATE  x ROADS  BY  A 
PARTY  OF  FREEDMEN,  AND  HOW  THE  INSULT 
WAS  WIPED  OUT. 


Post  Orris,  CoNrEDEiT  X Roads  ^ 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  C 
September  16,  1866.  ) 

I FOUND  my  flock  in  a terrible  state  uv  depression,  at  which, 
when  I was  told  the  cause,  I didn’t  wonder  at.  There  wuz, 
hack  uv  the  Corners,  over  towards  Garrettstown,  about  three 
quarters  uv  a mile  this  side  of  Abbott’s  grocery  (we  estimate 
distance  here  from  one  grocery  to  another),  five  or  six  families 
uv  niggers.  The  males  of  this  settlement  had  all  been  in  the 
the  Federal  army  ez  soljers,  and  hed  saved  their  pay,  and 
bounty,  and  sich,  and  hed  bought  uv  a disgustid  Confederate, 
who  proposed  to  find  in  Mexico  that  freedom  which  was  denied 
him  here,  and  who,  bein  determined  to  leave  the  country,  didn’t 
care  who  he  sold  his  plantashen  to,  so  ez  he  got  greenbax, 
three  hundred  acres,  wich  they  hed  divided  up,  and  built 
cabins  onto  em,  and  wuz  a cultivatin  it.  There  wuz  a store- 
keeper at  the  Corners  who  come  here  from  Illinoy,  and  who 


SPEECHES  BY  THE  BRETHEEN. 


325 


Led  been  so  greedy  uv  gain  and  so  graspin  ez  to  buy  their 
prodoose  uv  em,  and  sell  em  sich  supplies  ez  they  needed. 
These  accursed  sons  and  daughters  uv  Ham  wuz  a livin  there 
in  comfort.  The  thing  wuz  a gittin  unendoorable.  They 
come  to  the  Corners  dressed  in  clothes  without  patches,  and 
white  shirts,  and  hats  on;  and  the  females  in  dresses,  and 
hoops  under  em  ; in  short,  these  apes  hedassoomed  so  much  uv 
the  style  uv  people  that  ef  it  hadn’t  bin  for  their  black  laces, 
they  wood  have  passed  for  folks. 

Our  people  become  indignant,  and  ez  soon  ez  I returned,  I 
was  requested  to  call  a meetin  to  consider  the  matter,  which  I 
uv  course  did. 

The  horn  wuz  tootid,  and  the  entire  Corners  wuz  assembled, 
excepting  the  Illinoy  store-keeper,  who  didn’t  attend  to  us 
much.  I stated  briefly  and  elokently  (I  hev  improved  in  public 
speakin  sense  I heered  His  Serene  Highness,  Androo  the  1.,  all 
the  way  from  Washinton  to  Looisville),  and  asked  the  brethren 
to  ease  their  mind. 

Squire  Gavitt  hed  observed  the  progress  uv  them  niggers 
with  the  most  profoundest  alarm.  He  hed  noticed  em  coming 
to  the  Corners,  dressed  better  than  his  family  dressed,  and 
sellin  the  produx  uv  their  land  to  that  wretch  — 

At  this  point  the  Illinoy  store-keeper  come  in,  and  the  Squire 
proceeded. 

— he  shood  say  Mr.  Pollock,  and  he  hed  made  inquiries,  and 
found  that  one  family  hed  sold  three  hundred  and  seventy-five 
dollars  worth  uv  truck,  this  season,  uv  which  they  hed  laid  out 
for  clothes  and  books  two  hundred  dollars,  leavin  em  one  hun- 
dred and  seventy-five  dollars  in  cash,  which  was  more  money 
than  he  had  made  sense  the  accursed  Linkin  passed  the 
emancipashen  proclamation.  And  what  hed  driv  the  iron  into 
his  soul  wuz  the  fact  that  wun  uv  them  niggers  wuz  Ms  nigger. 

The  money  they  hev,”  pursood  the  Squire,  is  MY  money  ; 
that  man  worth  $1500  is  my  man  ; his  wife  is  my  woman ; her 
children  my  children  — ” 

“ That’s  a literal  fact ! ” shouted  Joe  Bigler,  a drunken,  re- 
turned Confederate  sojer  ; they  hev  yoor  nose  exactly,  and 
they’re  the  meanest  yaller  brats  in  the  settlement.” 


326 


POLLOCK  ADVISES  THE  RESULT. 


This  unhappy  remark  endid  in  a slite  unpleasantness,  wich 
resulted  in  the  Squire’s  bein  carried  out,  minus  one  ear,  and 
liis  nose  smashed.  Joseph  remarked  that  he’d  wantid  to  git  at 
him  ever  sense  he  woodn’t  lend  him  a half  dollar  two  months 
ago.  He  was  now  satisfied,  and  hoped  this  little  episode 
woodn’t  mar  the  harmony  uv  the  meetin. 

Elder  Smathers  observed  that  he  lied  noticed  with  pain  that 
them  niggers  alluz  hed  money,  and  wuz  alluz  dresst  well,  while 
we,  their  sooperiors,  hed  no  money,  and  nothin  to  boast  uv  in 
the  way  uv  close.  He  wood  say  — 

Pollock,  the  Illinoy  store-keeper,  put  in.  Ef  the  Elder  wood 
work  ez  them  niggers  wuz  workin,  and  not  loaf  over  half  the 
time  at  Bascom’s  grocery,  he  mite  possibly  hev  a hull  soot  uv 
close,  and  now  and  then  a dollar  in  money.  It  wuz  here,  ez  it 
wuz  in  all  strikly  Dimekratic  communities,  the  grocery  keepers 
absorb  all  the  floatin  capital,  and  — 

He  wuz  not  allowed  to  proceed.  Bascom  flung  a chair  at 
him,  and  four  or  five  uv  his  constitooents  fell  on  him.  He  wuz 
carried  out  for  dead.  Bascom  remarked  that  he  wuz  for  the 
utmost  freedom  uv  speech,  but  in  the  discussion  uv  a great 
Constooshnel  question,  no  Illinoy  Ablishnist  shood  put  in  his 
yawp.  The  patriotic  remark  wuz  cheered,  but  when  Bascom 
ask’t  the  whole  meetin  out  to  drink,  the  applause  wuz  uproari- 
ous. Bascom  alluz  gets  applause ; he  knows  how  to  move  an 
audience. 

Deekin  Pogram  sed  he’d  bore  with  them  niggers  till  his 
patience  wuz  gin  out.  He  endoored  it  till  last  Sunday.  After 
service  he  felt  pensive,  ruther,  and  walked  out  towards  Gar- 
rettstown,  meditatin,  as  he  went,  on  the  sermon  he  hed  listened 
to  that  mornin  on  tlie  necessity  uv  the  spread  of  the  GospiL 
Mournin  in  sperit  over  the  condition  of  the  heathen,  he  didn’t 
notis  where  he  wuz  till  he  found  hisself  in  the  nigger  settle- 
ment, and  in  front  uv  one  uv  their  houses.  There  he  saw  a 
site  wich  paralyzed  him.  There  wuz  a nigger,  wich  wuz  wunst 
his  nigger,  — wich  Linkin  deprived  him  uv,  — settin  under  his 
porch,  and  a profanin  tlie  Holy  Bible  by  teachin  his  child  to 
read  it ! Kin  this  be  endoored  ? ” the  Deekin  asked. 

Deekin  Parkins  sed  he  must  bear  his  unworthy  testimony 


A RECONSTRUCTION  MOVEMENT. 


327 


agin  these  disturbers.  They  hed  — he  knowd  whereof  he 
spoke  — hired  a female  woman  from  Massachusetts  to  teach 
their  children  ! He  hed  bin  in  their  skool-room,  and  with  his 
own  eyes  witnest  it. 

Bascom,.  the  grocery  l^^eper,  hed  bin  shocked  at  their 
conduct.  He  wuz  convinct  that  a nigger  wuz  a beast.  They 
come  to  the  Corners  to  sell  the  produx  of  their  lands ; do  they 
leave  their  money  at  his  bar?  Nary  ! They  spend  sum  uv  it 
at  the  store  uv  a disorganizer  from  Illinoy,  who  is  here  inter- 
ferin  with  the  biznis  uv  troo  Southern  men,  but  he  hed  never 
seed  one  uv  em  inside  his  door.  He  hed  no  pashence  Avith 
em,  and  believed  suthin  shood  be  done  to  rid  the  community 
uv  sich  yooseless  inhabitance.  Ef  they  ever  git  votes  they’r 
agin  us.  No  man  who  dodges  my  bar  ever  votes  straight 
Dimocrisy. 

Ginral  Punt  moved  that  this  meetin  do  to-wunst  proceed  to 
the  settlement,  and  clean  em  out.  They  wuz  a reproach  to 
Kentucky.  Of  course,  ez  they  were  heathens  and  savages, 
sich  goods  ez  they  hed  Avood  fall  to  the  righteous,  uv  whom  we 
wuz  Avhich,  and  he  insisted  upon  a fair  divide.  All  he  wanted 
wuz  a bureau  and  a set  uv  chairs  he  hed  seen. 

The  motion  wuz  amendid  to  inclood  Pollock,  the  Illinoy  store- 
keeper, and  it  avuz  to-wunst  acted  upon. 

Pollock  AVUZ  reconstructed  first.  Filled  Avith  zeal  for  the 
right,  his  door  avuz  bustid  in,  and  in  a jilfy  the  goods  ydch  he 
AVUZ  a contaminatin  our  people  Avith  avuz  distributed  among 
the  people,  each  takin  sich  ez  sooted  em.  Wun  man  sejested 
that  ez  they  avuz  made  by  Yankees,  and  brought  South  by 
Yankees,  there  wuz  contaminashen  in  the  touch  uv  em,  and 
that  they  be  burned,  but  he  wuz  hooted  doAvn,  our  people 
seein  a distinction.  The  contaminashen  avuz  in  payin  for  em  ; 
gittin  em  gratooitusly  took  the  cuss  off. 

Elated,  the  croAvd  started  for  the  settlement.  I never  saAv 
more  zeal  manifested.  A half  hour  brought  us  there,  and  then 
a scene  ensood  Avich  filled  me  Avith  joy  onspeekable.  The  nig- 
gers AVUZ  routed  out,  and  their  goods  avuz  bundled  after  em. 
The  Bibles  and  skool  books  avuz  destroyed  first,  coz  Ave  hed  no 
use  for  em ; their  chairs,  tables,  and  bureaus,  clothin  and  bed- 


328 


AN  UNENDURABLE  OUTRAGE. 


din,  wuz  distributed.  A woman  bed  the  impudence  to  beg  for 
suthin  she  fancied,  when  the  righteous  zeal  uv  my  next  door 
neighbor,  Pettus,  biled  over,  and  he  struck  her.  Her  husband, 
forgettin  his  color,  struck  Pettus,  and  the  outrage  wuz  com- 
pleted. A nigger  hed  raised  his  hand  agin  a white  man  I 

The  insulted  Caucashen  blood  riz,  and  in  less  than  a minnit 
the  bodies  uv  six  male  Ethiopians  wuz  a danglin  in  the  air,  and 
the  bodies  uv  six  Ethiopian  wimin  wuz  layin  prostrate  on  the 
earth.  The  children  wuz  spared,  for  they  wuz  still  young,  and 
not  hevin  bin  taught  to  read  so  far  that  they  cood  not  forgit  it, 
ef  kept  carefully  from  books,  they  kin  be  brought  up  in  their 
proper  speer,  ez  servance  to  their  brethern.  (By  the  way,  the 
inspired  writer  must  hev  yoosed  this  word  brethern,’’  in  this 
connection,  figeratively.  The  nigger,  bein  a beast,  cannot  be 
our  brother.)  Some  may  censure  us  for  too  much  zeal  in  this 
matter,  but  what  else  cood  we  hev  done  ? We  are  high  toned, 
and  can’t  stand  everything.  These  niggers  hed  no  rite  to 
irritate  us  by  their  presence.  The}  knowd  our  feelins  on  the 
siibjick,  and  by  buyin  land  and  remainin  in  the  vicinity,  they 
kindled  the  flame  wich  resulted  ez  it  did.  Ez  they  did  in 
Memphis  and  Noo  Orleans,  they  brought  their  fate  onto  their 
own  heads. 

Pollock  recovered,  and  with  the  Yankee  school  marm  who 
wuz  a teechin  the  niggers,  left  for  the  North  yisterday. 

It  speeks  well  for  the  forbearance  uv  our  people  that  they 
wuz  permitted  to  depart  at  all. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster), 

and  likewise  late  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 


THE  CLEVELAND  CONVENTION. 


329 


CXVII. 

IS  REQUESTED  TO  ACT  AS  CHAPLAIN  OF  THE 
CLEVELAND  CONVENTION.  — THAT  BEAUTIFUL 
CITY  VISITED  FOR  THAT  PURPOSE. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 
(wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
September  20,  1866. 

I wuz  sent  for  to  come  to  Washington,  from  my  comfortable 
quarters  at  the  Post  Offis,  to  attend  the  convenshun  uv  sich 
soldiers  and  sailors  uv  the  United  States  ez  bleeve  in  a Union 
uv  thirty-six  States,  and  who  hev  sworn  allegiance  to  a flag 
with  thirty-six  stars  onto  it,  at  Cleveland.  My  esteemed  and 
life-long  friend  and  co-laborer.  Rev.  Henry  Ward  Beecher, 
wuz  to  hev  bin  the  chaplin  uv  the  convenshun,  but  he  failed 
us,  and  it  wuz  decided  in  a cabinet  meetin  that  I shood  take 
his  place.  I didn’t  see  the  necessity  uv  hevin  a chaplin  at 
every  little  convenshun  uv  our  party,  and  so  stated;  but 
Seward  remarked,  with  a groan,  that  ef  ever  there  wuz  a 
party,  since  parties  wuz  invented,  wich  needed  pray  in  for,  ours 
wuz  that  party.  And,  Parson,”  sed  he,  glancin  at  a list  uv 
delegates,  ef  yoo  hev  any  agonizin  petitions,  any  prayers  uv 
extra  fervency,  offer  em  up  for  these  fellers.  Ef  there  is  any 
efficacy  in  prayer,  it’s  my  honest,  unbiased  opinion  that  there 
never  wuz  in  the  history  uv  the  world,  nor  never  will  be  agin, 
sich  a magnificent  chance  to  make  it  manifest.  Try  yoorself 
particularly  on  Custer ; tho’,  after  all,”  continyood  he,  in  a 
musin,  abstracted  sort  uv  a way,  wich  he’s  fallen  into  lately, 
the  fellow  is  sich  a triflin  bein,  that  he  reely  kin  hardly  be 
held  ’sponsible  for  what  he’s  doin  ; and  the  balance  uv  em. 


The  President  desired  particularly  the  indorsement  of  the  soldiers,  and  to  that 
end  a convention  of  officers  of  the  war  of  the  rebellion  was  called  at  Cleveland, 
Ohio.  It  was  a failure  quite  as  ludicrous  as  any  of  its  predecessors.  The 
officers  who  participated  were,  with  a few  exceptions,  those  who  had  left  the 
service  under  a cloud,  or  those  who  desired  position.  General  Wool,  then  in 
his  dotage,  was  induced  to  preside.  Custar,  who,  above  all  things,  desired  the 
colonelcy  of  a cavalry  regiment,  which  he  afterwards  got,  lent  his  name  to  it, 
and  so  on,  ad  nauseam.  Like  every  movement  made  by  the  President,  tliis  con- 
vention was  the  cause  of  a laugh  from  one  end  of  the  country  to  the  other. 


330 


THE  SOLDIERS  IN  ATTENDANCE. 


good  Hevens  ! they’r  mostly  druv  to  it  by  hunger.”  And  the 
Secretary  maundered  on  suthin  about  sixty  days  ” and 
“ ninety  days,”  paying  no  more  attention  to  the  rest  uv  us 
than  ez  ef  we  wuzn’t  there  at  all. 

So,  receevin  transportashen  and  sufficient  money  from  the 
secret  service  fund  for  expenses,  I departed  for  Cleveland,  and 
after  a tejus  trip  thro’  an  Ablishn  country,  I arrived  there. 
My  thots  were  gloomy  beyond  expression.  I lied  recently 
gone  through  this  same  country  ez  chaplin  to  the  Presidential 
tour,  and  every  stashen  hed  its  pecooliar  unpleasant  remem- 
brances. Here  wuz  Avhere  the  cheers  for  Grant  were  vocifer- 
ous, with  nary  a snort  for  His  Eggslency  ; there  wuz  where 
the  peasantry  laft  in  his  face  when  he  went  thro’  with  the 
regler  ritooal  uv  presentin  the  constitooshn  and  the  flag  uv 
thirty-six  stars  onto  it  to  a deestrick  assessor  ; there  wuz  — 
but  why  recount  my  sufferins?  Why  harrow  up  the  public 
bosom,  or  lasserate  the  public  mind?  Suffice  to  say,  I en- 
doored  it ; suffice  to  say  that  I hed  strength  left  to  ride  up 
Bank  Street,  in  Cleveland,  the  scene  uv  the  most  awful  insult 
the  Executive  ever  receeved. 

The  evenin  I arrived,  the  delegates,  sich  ez  wuz  on  hand, 
held  a informal  meetin  to  arrange  matters  so  ez  they  wood 
work  smooth  when  the  crowd  finally  got  together.  Genral 
Wool  wuz  ez  gay  and  frisky  ez  though  he  reely  belonged  to  the 
last  ginerashn.  There  wuz  Custar,  uv  Michigan,  with  his  hair 
freshly  oiled  and  curled,  and  busslin  about  ez  though  he  hed 
cheated  hisself  into  the  beleef  that  he  reely  amounted  to 
suthin ; and  there  wuz  seventy-eight  other  men,  who  hed  dis- 
tinguished theirselves  in  the  late  war,  but  who  hed  never  got 
their  deserts,  ceptin  by  brevet,  owin  to  the  fact  that  the 
Administrashn  wuz  Ablishn,  which  they  wuzn’t.  They  were, 
in  a pekuniary  pint  uv  view,  suthin  the  worse  for  wear,  tho’ 
why  that  shood  hev  bin  the  case  I coodent  see  (they  hevin  bin, 
to  an  alarmin  extent,  quartermasters  and  commissaries,  and  in 
the  recrootin  service),  til  I notist  the  prevailin  color  uv  their 
noses,  and  heerd  one  uv  em  ask  his  neighbor  ef  Cleveland  wuz 
blest  with  a faro  bank ! Then  I knowd  all  about  it. 

There  wuz  another  pekooliarity  about  it  which  for  a time 
amused  me.  Them  ez  wuz  present  wuz  divided  into  two 


THEIR  ENTHUSIASM. 


331 


classes  — those  ez  hed  bin  recently  appinted  to  posishens,  and 
them  ez  expected  to  be  shortly.  I notist  on  the  countenances 
uv  the  first  class  a look  uv  releef,  sich  ez  I hev  seen  in 
factories  Saturday  nite,  after  the  hands  wuz  paid  off  for  a hard 
week’s  work ; and  on  the  other  class  the  most  wolfish,  hungry, 
fierce  expression  I hev  ever  witnessed.  Likewise,  I notist 
that  the  latter  set  uv  patriots  talked  more  hefty  uv  the 
necessity  uv  sustainin  the  policy  uv  our  firm  and  noble  Presb 
dent,  and  damned  the  Ablishnists  with  more  emphasis  and 
fervency  than  the  others. 

One  enthoosiastic  individual,  who  hed  bin  quartermaster  two 
years,  and  hed  bin  allowed  to  resign,  jest  after  the  battle, 
mother,”  wich,  hevin  his  papers  all  destroyed,  made  settlin 
with  the  government  a easy  matter,  wuz  so  feroshus  that  I felt 
called  ^npon  to  check  him.  Grently,  my  frend,”  sed  I, 
gently  ! I hev  bin  thro’  this  thing;  I hev  my  commission. 
It  broke  out  on  me  jest  ez  it  hez  on  yoo ; but  yoo  won’t  git 
yoor  Assessorship  a minnit  sooner  for  it.” 

It  ain’t  a Assessorship  I want,”  sez  he,  I hev  devoted 
myself  to  the  task  uv  bindin  up  the  wounds  uv  my  beloved 
country  — ” 

Did  you  stop  anybody  very  much  from  inflictin  them  sed 
wounds  ? ” murmured  I. 

“ And  ef  I accept  the  Post  Orfis  in  my  native  village,  — • 
which  I hev  bin  solicited  so  strongly  to  take  that  I hev  finally 
yielded, — I do  it  only  that  I may  devote  my  few  remainin 
energies  wholly  to  the  great  cause  uv  restorin  the  thirty-six 
States  to  their  normal  posishens  under  the  fiag  with  thirty-six 
stars  onto  it,  in  spite  uv  the  Joodis  Iskariots  which,  ef  I am 
whom,  wat  is  the  Saviour,  and  — and  where  is  — ” 

Perseevin  that  the  unfortunate  man  hed  got  into  the  middle 
uv  a quotashen  from  the  speech  uv  our  noble  and  patriotic 
President,  and  knowin  his  intellek  wuzn’t  hefty  enough  to  git 
it  off  jist  as  it  wuz  originally  delivered,  I took  him  by  the 
throat,  and  shet  off  the  flood  uv  his  elokence. 

Be  quiet,  yoo  idiot  ! ” remarked  I,  soothingly,  to  him. 
“ Yoo’ll  git  your  apintment,  becoz,  for  the  fust  time  in  the 
history  uv  this  or  any  other  Bepublic,  there’s  a market  for  jist 
sich  men  ez  yoo  ; but  all  this  blather  won’t  fetch  it  a minit 
sooner.” 


332 


A PEISONER  SECURED. 


Good  Lord  ! ’’  tlio’t  I,  ez  I turned  away,  wat  a President 
A.  J.  is,  to  hev  to  buy  up  sich  cattle  ! Wat  a postmaster  he 
must  be,  whose  gineral  cussedness  turns  my  stummick  ! ’’ 

It  wuz  deemed  necessary  to  see  uv  wat  we  wuz  compozed  ; 

whereupon  Kernel  K , who  is  now  Collector  uv  Revenue  in 

Illinoy,  asked  ef  there  wuz  ary  man  in  the  room  who  hed  bin 
a prizner  doorin  the  late  fratricidle  struggle.  A gentleman 
uv,  perhaps,  thirty  aroze,  and  sed  he  wuz.  He  hed  bin  taken 
three  times,  and  wuz,  altogether,  eighteen  months  in  doorance 
vile,  in  three  different  prizns. 

Custar  fell  on  his  neck,  and  asked  him,  agitatidly,  ef  he  wuz 
shoor  — quite  shoor,  after  sufferin  all  that,  that  he  supported  the 
policy  uv  the  President  ? Are  you  quite  shoor  ■ — quite  shoor  ? 

I am,”  returned  the  phenomenon.  I stand  by  Andrew 
Johnson  and  his  policy,  and  I don’t  want  no  office  ! ! ” 

Hev  yoo  got  wun  ? ” shouted  they  all  in  korus. 

Nary  ! ” sed  he.  “ With  me  it  is  a matter  uv  principle  ! ” 
Wat  prizns  wuz  yoo  incarcerated  in?  ” asked  I,  lookin  at 
him  with  wonder. 

Fust  at  Camp  Morton,  then  at  Camp  Douglas,  and  finally  at 
Johnson’s  Island  ! ” 

Custar  dropped  him,  and  the  rest  remarked  that,  while  they 
hed  a very  health}^  opinion  uv  him,  they  guessed  he’d  better 
not  menshen  his  presence,  or  consider  hisself  a delegate.  Ez 
ginerous  foes  they  loved  him  ruther  better  than  a brother  ; yet, 
as  the  call  didn’t  quite  inclood  him,  tho’  there  wuz  a delightful 
oneness  between  em,  yet  ef  ’twuz  all  the  same,  ho  hed  better 
not  announce  hisself.  He  wuz  from  Kentucky,  I afterwards 
ascertained. 

The  next  mornin,  suthin  over  two  hundred  more  arriv ; and 
the  delegashens  bein  all  in,  it  wuz  decided  to  go  on  with  the 
show.  A big  tent  hed  bin  brought  on  from  Boston  to  ac- 
commodate the  expected  crowd,  and  quite  an  animated  dis- 
cussion arose  ez  to  wich  corner  uv  it  the  Convenshun  wuz  to 
ockepy.  This  settled,  the  biznis  wuz  begun.  Genral  Wool 
wuz  made  temporary  Chairman,  to  wich  honor  he  responded 
in  a elokent  extemporaneous  speech,  which  he  read  from 
manuscript.  General  Ewing  made  another  extemporaneous 
address,  which  he  read  from  manuscript,  and  we  adjourned 
for  dinner.  ♦ 


The  Extemporaneous  Speakers.  Page  333. 


THE  EXTEMPORANEOUS  SPEECHES. 


333 


The  dinner  hour  was  spent  in  caucussin  privately  in  one  uv 
the  parlors  uv  the  hotel.  The  Chairman  asked  who  shood 
make  speeches  after  dinner,  wen  every  man  uv  em  pulled  from 
his  right  side  coat  pocket  a roll  uv  manuscript,  and  sed  he  hed 
jotted  down  a few  ijees  wich  he  hed  conclooded  to  present 
extemporaneously  to  the  Convenshun.  That  Babel  over,  the 
Chairman  sed  he  presoomed  some  one  shood  be  selected  to 
prepare  a address  ; whereupon  every  delegate  rose,  and  pulled 
a roll  uv  manuscript  from  his  left  side  coat  pocket,  and  sed  he 
hed  jotted  down  a few  ijees  on  the  situashn,  wich  he  proposed 
to  present,  et  settry.  This  occasioned  another  shindy  ; wen 
the  Chairman  remarked  Resolushens,”  wen  every  delegate 
rose,  pulled  a roll  uv  manuscript  from  his  right  breast  coat 
pocket,  and  sed  he  hed  jotted  down  a few  ijees,  wich,  &c. 

I stood  it  until  some  one  mentioned  me  ez  Chaplin  to  the 
expedition  West,  when  the  pressure  becum  unendurable. 
They  sposed  I wuz  keeper  uv  the  President’s  conscience,  and 
I hed  not  a minit’s  peace  after  that.  In  vain  I ashoored  em 
that,  there  bein  no  consciences  about  the  White  House,  no  one 
could  hold  sich  a offis  ; in  vain  I ashoored  em  that  I hed  no 
influence  with  His  Majesty.  Two  thirds  uv  em  pulled  applica- 
shens  for  places  they  wanted  from  the  left  breast  coat  pocket, 
and  insisted  on  my  takin  em,  and  seein  that  they  wuz  appinted. 
I told  em  that  I cood  do  nuthin  for  em ; but  they  laft  me  to 
skorn.  You  are  jist  the  style  uv  man,”  said  they,  who  hez 
inflooence  with  His  Eggslency,  and  yoo  must  do  it.”  Hemmed 
in,  there  wuz  but  one  way  uv  escape,  and  that  way  I took. 
Seezin  a carpet  sack,  wich,  by  the  way,  belonged  to  a delegate 
(I  took  it  to  give  myself  the  look  of  a traveler),  I rushed  to 
the  depot,  and  startid  home,  entirely  satisfied  that  ef  Cleveland 
may  be  taken  as  a sample,  the  less  His  Majesty  depends  on 
soljers,  the  better. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster), 

and  likewise  late  Chaplin  to  the  expedishn. 

P.  S.  I opened  the  carpet  sack  on  the  train,  spectin  to  find 
a clean  shirt  in  it,  at  least.  It  contained,  to  my  disgust,  an 
address  to  be  read  before  the  Cleveland  Convention,  a set  uv 


334 


A MOVING  APPEAL. 


resolutions,  a speech,  and  a petition  uv  the  ’proprietor  thereof 
for  a collectorship,  signed  by  eight  hundred  names,  and  a copy 
uv  the  Indiana  State  Directory  for  1864.  The  names  wuz  in 
one  hand-writin,  and  wuz  arranged  alphabetically. 

CXVIII. 

AN  APPEAL  TO  THE  PEOPLE  JUST  BEFOEE  THE 
OCTOBER  ELECTIONS. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads, 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
October  1,  1866. 

President  Johnson,  who  hez  bin  likened  to  Androo  Jaxson, 
and  wich,  since  my  appintment  I conseed  him  to  be,  in  many 
partikelers,  his  sooperior,  requested  me  and  William  H.  Seward 
(his  secretary  and  chaplin)  to  draw  up  and  publish  to  the  De- 
mocracy of  the  various  States  holdin  elecshuns  this  fall  an  ad- 
dress, or  ruther  an  appeal,  firmly  beleevin  that  hedhe  extendid 
his  tour  to  Maine,  and  isshood  an  address  to  em,  that  that 
State  wood  not  hev  gone  ez  it  did.  William  refoozed  to  take 
part  in  the  appeal,  sayin  that  it  warnt  uv  no  use,  and  so  the 
dooty  devolved  upon  me. 

Democrats  and  Conservatives  uv  the  North: 

Appresheatin  the  gravity  uv  the  isshoo,  I address  yoo.  The 
signs  uv  the  times  is  ominus.  A Radikle  Congress,  electid 
durin  the  time  when  the  Southin  States,  wich  comprises  reely 
all  the  intellek  uv  this  people,  didn’t  take  no  part  in  the  elek- 
shen,  bein  too  bizzy  gettin  out  uv  Sherman’s  way  to  open  polls, 
— a Congress,  I repeat,  in  which  there  ain’t  no  Southern  man, 
and  wich  consekently  kant,  by  any  stretch  uv  the  human 
imaginashen,  be  considered  Constitooshnel,  hez  dared  to  thwart 
the  President  uv  the  United  States,  and  set  up  its  will  agin 
hisn  ! I need  skarcely  recount  its  high-handed  acts  uv  usurpa- 
shen.  It  passed  a bill  givin  rites  to  niggers,  wich,  accordin  to 


THE  SINS  OP  CONGRESS. 


335 


Scripter  (see  Onesimiis,  Ham,  and  Hagar,  the  only  three  texts 
in  Scripter  uv  any  partikeler  account)  and  the  usages  uv  the 
Democrisy,  ain’t  got  no  rites ; and  the  President,  exercisin  the 
high  prerogatives  put  into  his  hands  by  the  Constitooshen, 
vetoed  it.  Here  the  matter  shood  hev  endid.  He  hed  ex- 
pressed, in  a manner  strikly  Constitooshenel,  his  objecshens  to 
the  measure  ; and  a proper  regard  for  his  feelins,  and  just 
deference  for  his  opinions,  ought  to  hev  indicated  the  right 
course.  Here  wuz  peace  offered  this  Congress.  Here  wiiz 
the  tender  uv  a olive  branch.  The  President  didn’t  want  a 
quarrel  with  Congres : he  didn’t  desire  a continuance  uv  the 
agitation  wich  hed  shook  the  country  like  a Illinois  ager  ; but 
he  desired  Peece.  Congres  cood  hev  hed  it  hed  they  only 
withdrawed  their  crood  noshens  uv  what  wuz  rite  and  what 
wuz  wrong;  ratified,  ez  they  shood  hev  done,  sich  laws  ez  the 
President  saw  fit  to  make : in  short,  hed  they  followed  the 
correct  rool  when  we  hev  a Demokratic  President,  and  put  the 
Government  in  his  hands,  with  an  abidin  trust  in  his  rectitood 
and  wisdom,  we  mite  hev  avoided  this  struggle,  and  thus  wood 
hev  bin  peaceful.  But  this  reckless  Congris,  bent  upon  con- 
centrating power  in  its  hands  instid  uv  dividin  it  between  him 
and  Seward,  passed  the  bill  over  his  head,  regardlis  uv  his 
feelins  ! The  responsibility  for  the  dissension  rests,  therefore, 
with  Congres. 

But  these  questions  are  altogether  too  hefty  for  the  Dem- 
okratic intellek,  and  I fling  em  out  for  the  considerashen  uv 
the  few  Post  Masters  we  got  from  the  Union  ranks.  To  the 
Dimocrisy  I address  myself  more  partickerlerly. 

Do  YOU  WANT  TO  Marry  A NiGGER  ? This  ishoo  is  agin 
before  yoo.  Are  you  in  favor  uv  elevatin  the  Afrikin  to  a 
posishen  where  he  kin  be  yoor  ekal,  or  perhaps  yoor  sooperior? 
That  ishoo  is  agin  before  yoo  for  yoor  decision,  only  the  danger 
to  yoo  is  increased.  The  matter  has  become  threatening  ; for, 
disgise  it  ez  we  may,  thousands  uv  em  kin  read,  and  they  are 
accumulatin  property,  and  wearin  good  clothes  to  a extent 
trooly  alarmin  to  the  Dimokratic  mind.  We  hev  alluz  consoled 
ourselves  with  the  soothin  reflection  that  there  wuz  a race 
lower  down  in  the  scale  uv  humanity  than  us  uns.  Shall  we 
continue  to  enjoy  that  comfort?  That’s  the  question  for  every 


336 


TO  THE  DEMOCRACY  DIRECT. 


Dimokrat  to  consider  when  he  votes  this  fall.  Remove  the 
weight  uv  legal  disability,  and  ten  to  one  ef  they  don^t  outstrip 
us  even,  and  then  where  are  we  goin  to  look  for  a race  to  look 
down  upon  ? It’s  a close  thing  atween  us  now  ; and  ez  we  uv 
this  generation  can’t  elevate  ourselves,  why,  for  our  own  peace 
uv  mind,  we  must,  — 1 repeet  it,  — must  pull  them  down. 

Agin  then  I repeet.  Do  you  want  to  Marry  a Nigger? 
Yoor  daughters  wunst  carried  banners  onto  wich  wuz  inskribed 
that  trooly  Dimokratic  motto,  White  husbands  or  none  ! ” and 
in  consequence  they’ve  bin  mostly  livin  in  the  enjoyment  uv 
none.  Are  they  to  go  back  on-  that  holy  determinashen  to 
preserve  the  Anglo  Sackson  race  on  this  continent  in  its 
purity?  Do  yoo  want  the  nigger — the  big  buck  nigger  — 
the  flat-footed  nigger  — the  woolly-headed  nigger  — the  long- 
heeled  nigger  — the  bow-legged  nigger  — the  Nigger  — to  step 
up  aside  uv  yoo,  and  exercise  the  prerogatives  uv  freemen  in 
this  country  ? Do  you  want  the  nigger  aforesed  to  be  mayors 
uv  your  towns,  with  all  the  hatred  they  hev  towards  us  ? Wat 
chance,  0 Dimokratic  dweller  in  cities  ! think  yoo  yoo’d  hev  if 
hauled  up  afore  a nigger  mayor  on  a charge  uv  disorderly  con- 
duct ? Wat  chance  wood  yoor  children  hev  in  a skool  uv  wich 
all  the  t-eechers  wuz  niggers  ? Wat  chance  wood  yoo  hev  wen 
arrestid  for  small  misdemeanors,  afore  nigger  judges?  How, 
let  me  ask,  in  the  name  uv  High  Heaven,  wood  yoo  like  to  be 
tried  for  boss  stealin  afore  a nigger  jury  ? 

‘‘  But,”  say  some  uv  yoo,  who,  set  ravin  by  drums,  and  flags, 
and  sich,  went  off  violently  into  the  war,  and  wuz,  perhaps, 
saved  from  starvin  by  niggers,  these  niggers  wuz  our  friends 
in  the  late  war  — they  fought  agin  the  South  ! ” 

0,  wat  a deloosion  ! 0,  wat  blindnis  ! Troo,  they  did  ; and 

that  shows  the  danger  that’s  afore  us ; that  lifts  the  fog  from 
the  precipice  onto  wich  we  are  standin,  and  shows  us  our 
danger.  Wat  does  this  fact  prove  ? It  proves  the  onreasona- 
bleness  uv  the  Nigger  — his  discontentednis  with  the  posishen 
to  wich  nacher  assigned  him,  and  his  cussid  disposition  to 
upset  the  normel  condition.  The  Bible  makes  him  a servant 
unto  his  brethren  (see  Ham,  Hagar,  and  Onesimus,  three 
blessed  texts).  Science  proves  him  to  be,  not  a man,  but  a 
beast ; and  so,  take  him  ez  we  may,  either  ez  our  brother  or  ez 


THE  MAGNANIMITY  OF  THE  SOUTH. 


337 


a beast,  — and  Dimocrisy,  with  that  liberality  wich  hez  always 
distinguished  it,  gives  every  man  his  choice  wich  theory  to 
take,  — his  condition  is  servitood.  But  he,  with  a cussidness, 
a perversity  wich  I never  cood  understand,  flies  into  the  face 
uv  the  Divine  decree,  flies  into  the  face  uv  science,  and  asserts 
his  independence  ! He  turned  agin  them  ez  hed  fostered  him ; 
turned  agin,  in  many  instances,  his  own  parents  (in  these 
instances,  for  convenience,  the  parents  adopted  the  brethren 
theory),  and  for  an  abstract  idea  fought  agin  em.  That  rest- 
lessness under  bonds  alarmed  the  Dimocratic  mind.  We  who 
owned  em  under  the  Skripter  (see  Onesimus,  Hagar,  and  Ham), 
and  under  the  eternal  laws  uv  scientific  trooth,  wuz  content 
with  the  arrangement,  and  why  shood  they  not  hev  bin? 
Things  wuz  normal.  They  worked,  and  we  eat ; and  ef  they 
hed  bin  content  with  this  ekitable  division  uv  the  labor  uv  life, 
all  wood  hev  bin  smooth  to-day. 

Their  takin  part  agin  us  at  the  South,  and  in  favor  uv  the 
Federals,  is,  instead  uv  a coz  uv  feelin  good  toward  em,  a 
source  uv  oneasiness  ; instid  uv  bein  a reason  for  elevatin  uv 
, em,  it’s  my  principal  reason  for  depressin  uv  em.  Sich 
onsettled  ruinds  shood  be  quieted ; this  itchin  to  raise  their- 
selves  shood  be  crushed  out  uv  em,  that  Science  and  Holy 
Writ  (see  Onesimus,  Hagar,  and  Ham)  may  be  vindicated. 

Shel  we  desert  Androo  Johnson,  after  all  the  trouble  he  hez 
bin  to  in  gettin  back  to  us  ? Shel  we  elect  a Congres  this  fall 
so  soaked  in  Ablishin  — so  filled  with  objeckshuns  to  our 
Southern  brethren,  ez  to  refooze  to  receive  em  back  into  the 
seats  Avhich  they  vacated  ? Consider  ! The  Southern  Dimok- 
racy  hevn’t,  and  don’t,  lay  up  nothin  agin  yoo.  They  are 
willin  to  forgive  and  forget.  They  failed,  but  they  are  willin 
to  forgiv  the  cause  uv  the  failyoor.  They  hevn’t  got  the  gov- 
ernment they  wanted,  but  they  find  no  fault  with  that,  but  are 
willin  to  take  charge  of  the  wun  they  hev  bin  compelled  to 
live  under.  Kin  they  offer  fairer?  The  fate  uv  war  wuz 
agin  em.  Buryin  all  hard  feelins,  they  extend  to  us  Chrischen 
charity,  and  say,  *Here  we  are  — take  us  — give  us  our  old 
places.  They  hev  bin  chastened.  Their  household  gods  hew 
bin  destroyed,  and  their  temples  torn  down.  Wun  neighbor 
uv  mine  lost  two  sons  in  the  Confedrit  army ; another  son, 
22 


OCTOBER  1866. 


which  he  hed  refoosed  $1500  for  in  1860,  he  wuz  compelled  to 
shoot,  coz  he  wnz  bound  to  run  away  into  the  Federal  army ; 
and  two  octoroons,  which  he  hed  a dozen  times  refoosed  $2500 
for,  each,  in  Noo  Orleans,  he  saw  layin  dead  on  the  steps  uv  a 
skool  house  in  Memphis.  Hez  he  suffered  nothin  ? And  yet 
he  is  willin  to  take  a seat  in  Congress  — forgettin  all  he  hez 
suffered,  and  forgivin  the  cause  thereof.  What  wickedness  it 
is  wich  would  further  bruise  sich  a broken  reed  ! 

Therefore,  ez  yoo  love  yourselves  and  hate  the  nigger,  I im- 
plore yoo  to  act.  Take  yoor  choice  uv  the  platforms  uv  the 
different  States  — vote  ez  a Johnson  Unionist,  or  ez  a Demo- 
cratic Johnsonian  — but  vote. 

Kentucky  holds  out  her  hands  appealingly  ! Kentucky  im- 
plores yoo  to  build  up  a bulwark  North  uv  the  Ohio  River  to 
save  what  little  is  left  uv  pure  Dimocracy  there  ! Kentucky 
will  back  yoo  in  yoor  endeavors.  Will  you  heed  her  cry? 
Shel  she  appeel  in  vain  ? Forbid  it,  Hevin  ! 


CXIX. 

THE  OCTOBER  ELECTIONS.  — THE  EFFECT  THE 
RESULT  PRODUCED  IN  KENTUCKY. 


There  is  mournin  in  Kentucky.  The  results  of  the  elec- 
tions in  Ohio,  Injeany,  Pennsylvany,  and  Iowa  reached  me 
yesterday  through  a Louisville  paper,  wich  wuz  dropped  off 
the  cars  at  Secessionville,  wich  is  the  nearest  station  to  us,  and 
wich,  I hapnin  to  be  there,  I picked  up. 

The  overwhelming  defeat  of  the  Johnson  party  in  the  North  was  a crushing 
blow  to  the  people  of  the  South,  who  had  hoped  that  through  him  slavery  would, 
in  some  form,  be  restored. 


Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmasl  I 


;on- 

ich 


CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky) 

October  14,  1866. 


Nasby  excited  over  the  News.  Page  338. 


339 


DEACON  POGRAM’S  SUGGESTION. 

Ohio  — 40,000  Ablishin  ! Injeany  — 20,000  Ablishin  ! Penn- 
sylvany  — 20,000  Ablishin  ! Iowa  — 30,000  Ablishin  ! 

' Ablishin  ! Wat  a dreery  waste  uv  Ablishin  ! Not  a single 
oasis  uv  Dimocrisy  anywhere,  — nary  Aryrat  on  wich  our  ark 
kin  rest  in  safety,  — but  all  around  us  the  mad  waves  uv  Ab- 
lishnism  rearin  their  crested  heads  muchly. 

I felt  it  my  dooty  to  make  this  fact  known  to  my  neighbors ; 
for,  sposin  that  His  Serene  Highness’  trip  wood  secure  us  enuff 
deestricts  to  make  the  next  Congress  safe,  and  consekently 
make  us  certin  uv  admission,  they  lied  been  makin  arrange- 
ments for  restorin  things  to  their  normal  condishun,  ez  they 
were  before  the  war. 

In  fact,  two  weeks  before,  in  view  of  the  expected  success 
uv  the  Democracy,  a meetin  lied  bin  held  on  the  subject.  Some 
wuz  for  at  once  seezin  the  niggers  wherever  they  cood  be 
found,  and  puttin  em  at  work  ; but  the  conservatives  overruled 
this.  They  held  that  slavery  lied  bin  abolished,  and  that  it 
ought  not  to  be  restored ; in  fact,  that,  to  act  in  good  faith,  it 
cood  not  be  reestablished.  Deekin  Pogram  announced  a plan. 
The  town  authorities  sliood  pass  a ordinance  for  the  proper 
government  uv  the  niggers.  Their  good  and  ourn  demanded 
it.  For  instance,  they  shood  not  be  permitted  to  be  out  after 
7 o’clock,  P.  M.,  in  the  evenin ; they  shoodent  leave  the  planta- 
tion onto  wich  they  wuz  employed ; they  shood  work  every 
day  till  7 ; and  to  do  away  with  the  pernicious  work  uv  the 
Freedmen’s  Bureau,  no  man  and  wife  wich  hed  bin  married  by 
a chaplin  uv  the  Bureau,  or  by  any  one  else,  shood  be  employed 
on  the  same  plantashen,  and  also  no  father  or  mother  and  child. 
Sich  ez  violated  these  ordinances  shood  be  arrested  by  any- 
body, and  fined and  in  default  uv  payment  uv  the  fine  and 
costs,  shood  be  sold  to  the  person  who  wood  take  his  or  her 
labor  for  the  shortest  number  uv  years,  and  pay  the  fine  and 
costs  aforesed.  Ez  a conservative,”  sed  the  Deekin,  I sejest 
this  plan.” 

Do  yoo  want  to  know  my  definition  uv  the  word  ^ conserv- 
ative ’?”  sed  Joe  Bigler,  a returned  Confederate  soljer,  who,  I 
bleeve,  hez  seen  enuff  uv  war.  It’s  a man  who  goes  a round- 
about way  to  do  a devlish  mean  thing.  Deekin,  why  can’t  yoo 
go  to  the  devil  by  a straight  road,  ez  I do  ? ” 


340 


THE  POGRAM  HOUSEHOLD. 


The  interupshen  uv  the  demoralized  wretch  wnzn’t  notist ; 
and  ez  the  trustees  uv  the  township  wuz  all  present,  the  ordi- 
nance wuz  passed,  and  that  night  two  thirds  uv  the  niggers 
within  five  miles  uv  the  Corners  wuz  arrested  and  sold,  and 
within  two  weeks  every  one  hed  bin  capcherd. 

I hied  me  to  the  Corners,  and  the  first  man  I saw  was  Bas- 
com,  the  grocery  keeper,  engaged  in  the  congenial  biznis  uv 
tappin  a barrel  uv  contentment,  wich  he  hed  just  receeved.  I 
wuz  a goin  to  tell  him  the  dread  intelligence,  when  he  caught 
site  uv  me.  Taste  that.  Parson,”  sed  he,  holdin  out  a tin 
dipper  full.  I drank  it  off,  and  one  look  at  him  onmand  me. 

Kin  1 o’ercloud  that  smilin  cheek  ? ” thot  I,  ez,  in  a fit  uv 
absent-mindednis,  — wich  I hev  every  now  and  then,  — I held 
out  the  empty  dipper  to  be  filled  agin,  wich  it  wuz.  No  ! for 
a time  he  shel  be  spared ; ” and  I borrered  his  mule,  and  rode 
away  pensively. 

I wuz  goin  fust  to  Deekin  Pogram’s,  for  he  wuz  the  most 
interested  uv  eny  in  the  settlement.  After  the  meetin  men- 
tioned above,  the  Deekin  hed  caused  the  arrest  uv  sich  niggers 
ez  he  cood  ketch,  and  had  had  em  fined  in  sums  uv  $275  and 
uppards,  wich  bein  unable,  ez  a rool,  to  pay  the  fine,  he  hed 
kindly  bid  em  in. 

He  hed  picked  up,  here  and  there,  all  uv  his  old  servants, 
ceptin  those  which  hed  bin  killed  in  the  army,  and  the  few  mis- 
guided ones  wich  hed  made  their  way  North,  and  that  mornin 
the  plantashen  wuz  to  be  reconstructed  upon  the  old  patriarkle 
system.  Mrs.  Deekin  Pogram  wuz  marshellin  four  uv  the*  like- 
liest wenches  I ever  saw  in  the  kitchen ; his  son  Tom  wuz 
chuckin  a yaller  girl  under  the  chin,  wich  hed  bin  born  on  the 
place  about  eighteen  years  before,  and  wich,  owin  to  a unfor- 
tunate resemblance  to  the  Deekin,  hed  caused  a onpleasantnis 
between  him  and  his  wife,  wich  ended  in  the  loss  uv  the  most 
uv  his  hair,  and  the  sellin  uv  the  girPs  mother  to  Noo  Orleans. 
The  two  girls  hed  each  their  waitin-maids,  and  wuz  a puttin 
them  through  their  paces.  There  hed  bin  some  trouble  in 
gittin  em  reconstructed,  it  bein  deemed  necessary  to  take  the 
conseet  out  uv  em,  wich  they  wuz  all  a doin.  Ez  I rode  up, 
the  old  lady  hed  jest  knocked  one  uv  em  down  with  a fire- 
shovel,  and  wuz  dancin  a Highland  fling  onto  her  prostrate 


THE  EFFECT  OF  THE  NEWS. 


341 


body.  Almira,  the  oldest  gal,  bed  her  fingers  in  the  wool  uv 
her  gal  ,*  and  tother  one  wuz  a thiimpin  hern  to  redose  her  to 
her  proper  level ; and  the  Deekin  hisself  wuz  a deelin  with  one 
ongrateful  wretch,  who  objected  to  bein  put  to  work  on  them 
terms,  not  realizin  that  the  Bureau  was  gone.  Ez  the  Deekin 
hed  a revolver  he  yielded  the  pint,  and  submitted  to  be  flogged, 
wich  the  Deekin  wuz  doin  ez  neatly  ez  I ever  saw,  considerin 
he  hed  bin  out  uv  practis  four  years.  He  had  him  tied  up  to 
a tree,  and  wuz  a wollopin  uv  him  gorjus.  While  he  wuz  a 
convinsin  uv  him  with  his  whip  that  there  wuz  trooth  in  the 
Skripter,  and  that  Ham  wuz  reely  a servant  unto  his  brethrin, 
I exclaimed,  Stop  ! and  immejitly  whispered  the  appallin 
news  in  his  left  ear  (tother  one  hed  bin  chawed  off  in  a misun- 
derstandin  at  Bascom’s  the  previous  Sunday  nite,  after  servis). 
Never  shel  I forgit  the  look  uv  woe  on  that  eminent  Christian’s 
face.  The  whip  fell  from  his  nerveless  hand ; and  with  teers 
streemin  down  his  cheeks,  washin  up  little  streaks  uv  dirt  in 
the  most  heart-rendin  manner,  he  gasped  in  a husky  voice  to 
the  wife  uv  his  buzzum,  Cut  him  down,  Mirandy  ! The  North’s 
gone  Ablishin,  and  the  d — d niggers  will  be  free  anyhow  ! ” and 
the  old  patriarch  swooned  away  at  my  feet. 

And  sich  an  expression  of  anguish  ez  distorted  the  face  uv 
the  Deekin’s  wife  I hope  never  to  see  agin.  Droppin  the 
shovel,  she  stood  ez  one  petrified,  with  her  foot  elevated  in  mid 
air,  ez  in  the  act  uv  stompin,  and  uttering  a shreek  wich  me- 
thinks  I hear  ringing  in  my  ears  yet,  she  fell  precisely  ez  she 
stood,  with  her  leg  crooked  ez  ef  ’twuz  froze  there.  Tom 
released  the  gal  he  wuz  subdooin,  and  mountin  his  horse  rode 
off  to  the  Corners  without  saying  a word  ; and  unable  to  wit- 
ness the  distress  uv  that  stricken  family,  I made  haste  to  mount 
my  mule  and  go  too ; while  the  niggers,  feelin  that  they  were 
wunst  more  their  own  men  and  women,  scattered  in  every 
direction. 

“ Sich  is  the  froots  uv  Eadikelism,”  murmured  I.  Sich  is 
the  bitter  cup  fanaticism  hez  put  to  our  lips  ; ” and  castin  one 
lingering  look  at  the  prostrate  forms  uv  the  Deekin,  his  wife 
(with  her  foot  insensibly  raised),  and  their  two  gushin  daugh- 
ters, I spurred  the  mule,  and  departed. 

Wood  that  every  Ablishnist  in  the  North  hed  seen  that  site, 


342 


AN  OPINION. 


and  wnz  possessed  uv  a sole  to  appreshiate  it ! Then  would 
they  vote  differently. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster). 

cxx. 

THE  OCTOBER  ELECTIONS.  — MB.  NASBY’S  OPINION 
ON  THE  CAUSE  OF  THE  DEFEAT  OF  THE  PRESI- 
DENT. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

October  14,  1866.  5 

I wuz  called  in  haste  to  Washington  to  be  present  at  a Cabi- 
net meetin  called  to  consider  the  causes  nv  the  onparalleled 
loosenin  uv  the  Nashnel  Union  Johnson  Dimekratic  party  in 
the  various  States  wich  held  elections  on  the  9th  uv  October 
last.  There  wuz  Seward,  Wells,  McCulloch,  and  Randall  pres- 
ent ; but  we  missed  Raymond  and  Beecher,  they  hevin,  I 
understand,  played  off  onto  us. 

The  President  wuz  gloomy.  He  hedn’t  anticipated  the  de- 
feat. He  spected  that,  hevin  showd  hisself  through  all  the 
Northern  States,  ther  ought  to  hev  ben  enthoosiasm  enough 
evolved  to  hev  carried  em  without  trouble.  The  fault,  he  re- 
marked, coodent  be  with  his  policy.  Ther  wuz  siithin  so  grand, 
so  sublimely  simple  in  it,  that  it  wuz  incomprehensible  to  him 
why  the  people  hedn’t  at  once  adopted  it.  “ Why,  look  at  it,’^ 
sed  he.  I offer  the  people  uv  the  North  peace,  on  the  simple 
condishn  uv  sayin  nothin  more  about  the  war,  or  the  mutual 
trouble  which  they  found  theirselves  into,  and  rushin  into  the 
arms  uv  their  Southern  brethren,  and  takin  uv  em  back  jist  ez 
they  went  out.  How,  0 ! how  cood  they  be  so  blind  ez  to 
refoose  these  olive  branches  ? ” 

Randall  replied  that  he  coodent  understand  it ; but  he  hed 
summoned  a Postmaster  to  attend,  wich  he  hed  appinted  on  his 
solemn  asshoorance  that  he  cood  carry  enough  Republicans 


THE  TESTIMONY  OF  AN  OFFICIAL. 


343 


over  to  our  new  party  to  defeat  the  Union  member  in  that  Dis- 
trict, wich  he  notist  by  the  papers  wiiz  elected  by  a larger 
majority  than  he  hed  ever  reseeved,  and  he  wuz  in  waitin. 

“ Bring  in  the  wretch  ! ’’  shouted  the  President ; and  the 
guard  brung  him  in.  A mizable  lookin  objick  he  wuz.  Ez 
soon  ez  he  saw  the  stern  eye  uv  the  President  fixed  on  him,  he 
sunk  to  his  knees,  and  lifted  up  his  hands  implorinly,  without 
sayin  a word. 

‘‘  Speak ! sed  the  President.  Why  the  result  in  yoor 
Deestrict  ? 

My  liege, replied  the  wretched  man,  1 know  not.  Faith- 
fully I labored  ; but  the  people  wood  come  into  the  halls  a 
holdin  their  noses,  and  set  a holdin  uv  em  so  long  ez  I wuz 
speekin,  wich  wuzn’t  conducive,  to  displays  of  oratory.  The 
papers  wood  publish  my  own  utterances  six  months  before, 
wich  confused  me  somewhat ; and  the  ablishnists  would  read 
at  me  yoor  speeches,  wich  I coodent  account  for.  I seekoored 
for  yoo  suthin  like  a dozen  votes  ; but  they  wuz  them  ez  stipu- 
lated for  places  under  me,  and  I hed  hard  work  to  git  em  from 
the  Union  party,  and  they  wuz  sich  ez  did  us  more  harm  than 
good.  And  besides  — 

Enutf ! sed  Johnson.  Eemove  him.^’ 

And  the  poor  fellow  wuz  bundled  out. 

Secretary  Welles  knowd  wat  wuz  the  matter.  It  come  uv 
takin  Grant  and  Farrygut  along  on  the  excursion.  It  distracted 
the  attention  uv  the  people.  Hed  there  bin  nobody  but  the 
President  and  the  Cabinet  along,  there  woodent  hev  bin  nobody 
else  to  hurrah  for,  and  the  sublime  trooths,  wich  the  President 
kin  only  jerk,  wood  hev  impressed  the  people  more  than 
they  did. 

Seward  wuz  confident  that  the  election  wood  hev  bin  all  right 
cood  it  hev  bin  postponed  ninety  days  ; while  McCulloch  at- 
tribooted  it  to  the  limited  knowledge  the  masses  hed  uv  Injeany 
bankin. 

I wuz  rekested  to  give  mj^  views,  wich  I did. 

My  lords,’’  sed  I,  ^^none  uv  you  hev  got  the  ijee.  We  wuz 
beat  because  we  left  the  landmarks  — that’s  wat  ailed  us,  wuz 
the  anshent  landmarks.  Wat  hed  we  to  go  into  this  canvass 
with  ? Democrisy  ? Not  any  ; for  that  wuz  squelched  at  Phila- 


344 


HOW  AN  EXPERT  DID  IT. 


delphia.  Wat  then  ? Why,  the  offises.  Offises,  in  the  ab- 
stract, is  good.  That  little  one  which  I hold  in  Kentucky  I 
coodent  be  indoost  to  part  with  on  no  account ; but  yoo  can’t 
run  a party  on  em,  because  there  ain’t  enough  uv  em. 

“ My  liege,  on  my  return  from  the  Philadelphia  Convention  I 
tarried  a while  in  Berks  county,  which  is  in  Pennsylvania,  and 
is  distinguished  for  the  unanimity  with  which  they  vote  Democ- 
racy. They  learned  down  there  mor’n  six  weeks  ago  that  tlie 
war  wuz  over,  and  therefore  yoo  coodent  stir  em  up  on  drafts. 
Taxes  they  had  got  used  to,  and  that  didn’t  move  em  ; and  so 
the  speakers  wuz  emptyin  school-houses  by  talkin  uv  the  results 
uv  a glorious  war,  wich  they  all  opposed,  and  praisin  our  mutual 
friend  Seward,  wich  they  had  alluz  hated  as  a Ablishnist,  and 
hedn’t  heerd  yet  that  he  had  jined  the  Demokracy.  Wuz  it 
any  wonder  that  we  went  under  ? Ther  ain’t  but  one  thing 
left  to  us,  and  that  we  strangely  neglected.  My  liege,  why 
wuz  not  the  Nigger  made  the  central  figger  this  year,  ez  be- 
fore ? They  is  the  capital  uv  the  Democrisy,  its  refuge,  its 
tower  of  strength.  I spoke  in  Berks  county  myself,  following 
one  of  them  new-fangled  Democrats,  who  hed  set  em  all  asleep 
talkin  stuff  to  em  that  they  didn’t  understand.  Mountin  the 
rostrum,  I ejaculated,  — 

Men  and  Brethren,  do  yoo  v/ant  to  marry  a Nigger  ? 

‘ No  ! no  ! ’ they  answered,  straightenin  up  to-wunst. 

^ Do  you  want  niggers  for  sons-in-law  ? ’ 

“ ^ No  ! no  ! ’ 

‘ Do  you  want  laws  to  prevent  you  from  marry  in  niggers  ? ’ 
“ ^ Yes  ! yes  ! ’ 

‘ Do  you  want  to  be  marched  up  to  the  polls  by  those  who 
tell  you  how  to  vote,  beside  a nigger  ? ’ 

‘ No  ! no  ! ’ 

^ Then  vote  the  Demekratic  ticket.’  And  they  all  re- 
plied, — 

^‘^We  will!  we  will!’  and  they  did.  You  see,  your  Ex- 
slency,  the  Dimekratic  mind  isn’t  hefty  enough  to  comprehend 
them  fine  arguments  ez  to  constitootinality,  et  setry  ; and  when 
a speaker  deals  in  em,  they  suspect  his  Dimocrisy,  and  fight 
shy  uv  him.  But  nigger  they  kin  all  understand.  It’s  soothin 
to  the  Dimekratic  mind  to  be  continyooally  told  that  there  is 


THE  MAIN  PILLAR. 


345 


somebody  lower  down  in  the  skale.  They  desire  a inferior 
race,  and  therefore  hev  bin  pnllin  the  nigger  down  toward  em 
for  years.  Did  yoo  not  notis  whenever  we  went  it  on  the  nig- 
ger we  succeeded  in  awakenin  an  enthoosiasm,  wich,  when  we 
neglected  him,  or  selected  other  issues,  we  failed  to  get  ? 

It’s  based  upon  philosophical  trooths.  The  poorer  and 
meaner  a man  is,  the  more  anxious  he  is  to  hev  it  understood 
that  there’s  somebody  still  poorer  and  meaner  than  him. 
Hence,  you  notis,  that  them  individooals  who  see  a five  cent 
peese  so  seldom  ez  to  not  know  its  nacher,  and  who  keep  the 
flag  of  distress  wavin  from  the  seat  uv  their  pants,  — who,  ef 
niggers  wuz  sellin  at  a cent  a peese,  coodent  raise  enough  to 
buy  the  toe  nail  uv  one,  — is  the  most  ardent  friends  -uv 
Slavery. 

That  pitiful  man  wich  jest  left  the  presence  wuz  not  to 
blame  for  the  result  in  his  Deestrick.  He  tried  to  earn  his 
bread  ; but  wat  cood  he  do  ? The  Ablishnists  knowd  he  wuz 
bought  with  a price,  and  laffed  at  him.  The  Democrisy,  sich 
ez  voted,  we’d  hev  got  anyhow.  T'hem  ez  didn’t  vote,  nor  do 
nothin,  wuz  the  upper  class,  wich  expected  the  offises  them- 
selves, and  wuz  disgusted  accordinly. 

‘‘  My  liege,  I hev  spoke.  Yoo  can’t  do  nothin  with  a new 
party ; for  yoo  kin  only  git  the  Dimocrisy  to  jine  it,  and  they 
won’t  do  it  onless  the  offises  is  throwd  in.  Yoo  can’t  run  the 
Dimocrisy  on  only  one  issue,  and  that’s  the  nigger  ; for  it’s  all 
they  kin  understand.  So  long  ez  the  nigger  exists,  Dimocrisy 
endoors  ; when  the  race  becomes  extinct,  the  party  dies.  The 
two  is  indissolubly  bound  together  ; one  wuz  created  for  tother, 
and  tother  for  one.  When  Noah  cust  Ham  he  laid  the  foun- 
dashens  uv  Dimocrisy.  Ham  wuz  turned  into  a nigger  because 
Noah  got  intoxicated.  His  misfortune  originated  with  wine  ; 
and  whisky,  wich  is  the  modern  substitoot  therefor,  bein  the 
motive  power  uv  Dimocrisy,  hez  bin  persekutin  him  ever  since. 
I attriboot  the  decline  uv  the  Dimocrisy  to  the  bleachin  out  uv 
the  Afrikin,  and  that’s  why  I oppose  amalgamashen.  Yoo  can’t 
hate  a mulatter  only  half  ez  much  ez  yoo  kin  a full-blood  ; and 
it  will  be  observed  that  the  intensity  uv  Demokricy  has  de- 
creased precisely  in  proportion  to  the  scarcity  uv  pure  blacks. 
Thus  Demokrisy  is  committin  suicide  ; it  hez  bin  the  means  uv 
its  own  destruction. 


346 


PRESIDENT  OR  KING. 


I don’t  know  ez  there’s  eny  yoose  uv  talkin.  The  Con- 
gressmen elected  this  fall  continyoo  in  ofiis,  my  liege,  jist  pre- 
cisely ez  long  ez  yoo  do,  to  a day,  and  by  that  time  they’ll  hev 
it  all  fixed.  Noo  York  may  change  in  our  favor,  but  I think 
not.  The  break  commenst  in  Maine,  and  it  increased  as  it 
progressed.  We’re  gone  in.  The  Ablishnist  laughs  in  glee, 
and  the  nigger  shows  all  his  ivories.  We  shel  hold  our  places 
two  years,  and  then  farewell  to  our  greatness. 

I pity  yoo,  my  lord  ; but  I can’t  help  yoo.  Ez  for  myself,  I 
kin  save  enufi*  out  uv  my  Post  Offis  to  start  a grocery  at  the 
expiration  uv  my  term,  and  then  farewell  politics.  In  that 
pleasant  callin  I’ll  flote  down  the  stream  uv  Time,  until  Death 
closes  the  polls,  and  ends  the  struggle.  I hev  sed.” 

The  Conference  ended  with  this : for  they  wuz  all  too  much 
affected  to  say  anything.  Seward  murmured  suthin  about  it 
would  be  all  rite  in  sixty  days  ; that  there  wuz  no  denyin  that 
the  people  wuz  happy  ; but  no  one  paid  any  attention  to  him. 
I went  home,  leavin  em  all  in  tears. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

CXXI. 

^^WILL  YOU  HAVE  ANDREW  JOHNSON  PRESIDENT 
OR  KINO?”  — A DREAM,  IN  WHICH  ANDREW 
JOHNSON  FIGURES  AS  A KING,  SURROUNDED  BY 
HIS  NOBLES. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  7 

October  24,  1866.  \ 

Dreams  is  only  vouchsafed  to  persons  uv  a imaginative  and 
speritooal  nacher,  uv  whom  I am  which.  Ther  ain’t  anything 
gross  or  sensual  about  me  that  I know  uv.  Troo  I eat  pork, 
but  that  is  to  offset  the  effex  uv  whisky,  wich,  ef  twasn’t 
counteracted,  wood  make  me  entirely  too  ethereal  for  this 
grovelin  world.  I eat  pork,  to  restrain  my  exuberant  imagina- 


A DREAM. 


347 


shun,  and  enable  me  to  come  down  to  the  dry  detail  uv  offish! 
life  — to  fit  me  for  the  proper  discharge  uv  my  dooties  ez  a 
Postmaster.  Whiskey  lifts  me  above  the  posishun  — pork 
brings  me  back  agin.  IPs  fat  and  greasy,  like  the  pay  and 
perquisites  uv  the  Postmaster  — it  comes  from  the  most  nasty? 
senseless,  and  unclean  uv  animals,  like  our  commishuns  — in 
short,  1 recommend  all  uv  Johnson^s  Postmasters  to  eat  pork. 
It’s  ther  nateral  diet. 

Last  nite  I partook  uv  a pound  or  so  too  much,  and  ez  a 
consekence,  didn’t  sleep  well.  While  I wuz  eatin  (moistnin 
my  lips  with  Looisville  consolation  the  while),  I wuz  a musin 
onto  Seward’s  question,  whether  they  wood  hev  Johnson  Presi- 
dent or  King,  and  while  musin  I fell  into  the  arms  uv  Morfus. 
My  mind  bust  loose  from  the  body  and  sored.  • Ez  I sunk  to 
slumber,  the  narrow  room,  wich  is  at  wunst  my  offis  and  dormi- 
tory, widened  and  enlarged,  the  humble  chairs  become  sudden- 
ly upholstered  in  gorgus  style,  the  taller  dip  become  multiplied 
into  thousands  uv  gorgus  chandileers,  the  portraits  uv  His 
Highness  the  President,  and  the  other  Democrats  on  the  wall, 
became  alive.  I comprehended  the  situation  to-wunst.  An- 
DROO  Johnson  had  cut  the  Gorjan  knot  with  someboddy’s 
sword,  and  hed  carried  out  his  Policy  to  its  nateral  concloo- 
sion.  He  was  King,  and  wuz  reignin  under  the  title  uv 
Androo  the  L,  and  1 wuz  (in  my  dream  uv  course)  in  his 
kingly  halls. 

It  wuz,  methawt,  a reception  nite.  His  High  Mightiness 
wuz  a sittin  onto  a elevated  throne,  covered  with  red  velvet, 
and  studded  with  diamonds,  and  pearls,  and  onyxs,  and  other 
precious  stones  — onto  his  head  wuz  a crown,  and  he  wuz 
enveloped  into  a robe  uv  black  velvet,  his  nose  and  the  balance 
uv  his  face  gleaming  out  like  a flash  uv  litenin  from  a thunder 
cloud.  Lyin  prostrate  at  the  foot  uv  the  throne,  doin  the  offis 
uv  a footstool,  wuz  Charles  Sumner,  wunst  Senator,  wich  wuz 
typikle  uv  the  complete  triumph  we  hed  won  over  our  enemies  j 
while  doin  other  menial  offices  about  the  halls,  wuz  Wade, 
Wilson,  Fessenden,  Sherman,  and  others  who  hed  opposed  the 
change  from  a Pepublic  to  a Kingdom.  They  wuz  clothed  in 
a approprit  costoom,  knee  breeches  and  sich,  and  presented  a 
pekoolyerly  imposin  appearance. 


348 


* THE  NOBILITY. 


Carriages  containin  the  nobility  began  to  arrive,  and  ez  they 
entered,  the  Grand  High  Lord  Chamberlin  uv  the  Palis,  the 
Markis  von  Pandall,  annonnct  em.  Book  de  Davis  ! was 
ejackelatid,  and  JefFson  entered.  Earl  von  Toombs,”  Sir 
Joseph  E.  Johnston,”  ‘^Markis  de  Boregard,”  Count  de 
Pollard,”  and  so  forth. 

Noticin  that  the  titles  I hed  heerd  wuz  mostly  tacked  to 
Southern  men,  I asked  Giddy  Wells,  who  wuz  standin  by,  why 
it  wuz  thus,  and  be  sed  that  Northerners  wuzn't  reely  fit  for  it. 
We  wuz,  he  said,  a low,  grovlin  race,  and  coodent  adapt  our- 
selves to  the  habits  uv  nobility.  Tlie  South  wuz  chivelrus, 
and  cood  do  it.  They  wuz  given  fo  tournaments  and  sich  — 
they  hed  got  accustomed  to  cirkus  clothes,  and  cood  wear  a 
sword  without  its  gettin  awkwardly  between  the  legs.  North- 
ern men,  sich  ez  were  faithful,  wuz  allowed  to  bask  in  the 
smiles  uv  royalty,  but  it  wuz  in  sich  positions  ez  sooted  their 
capacity.  He,  for  instance,  hed  charge  uv  the  royal  poultry 
}mrd,  a position  which  he  bleved  he  filled  to  the  entire  satisfac- 
tion uv  his  beloved  and  royal  master.  He  hed  now  four  hens 
a settin,  each  on  four  eggs,  and  he  hoped  in  the  course  uv  two 
years,  ef  there  wuz  no  adverse  circumstances,  to  hev  fresh 
eggs  for  the  royal  table.  It  wuz  a position  uv  great  responsi- 
bility, and  one  wich  weighed  upon  him.  Seward  wuz  privy 
counsler,  Doolittle  wuz  steward  uv  the  household,  and  Thurlow 
Weed  wuz  Keeper  uv  the  King’s  revenue,  and  wuz  a doin  very 
well  indeed. 

By  this  time  the  company  assembled.  His  Highness  wuz  in 
a merry  mood,  and  unbendid  hisself.  Ther  wuz  a knot  uv  the 
nobility  gathered  in  a corner,  and  after  a earnest  interview  uv 
a miniiit,  Count  Von  Cowan  advanced  to  the  foot  uv  the  throne, 
and  on  bendid  knee  demanded  a boon. 

What,  my  faithful  servitor,  dost  thou  most  desire  ? ” sed 
His  Highness. 

We  wood,  Your  Majesty,  hev  the  prisoners  uv  state  brot 
into  the  presence,  that  we  may  make  merry  over  em.” 

It  shel  be  done,”  sed  His  Majesty,  and  forthwith  Baron  von 
Steedman,  who  hed  command  uv  the  King’s  Household  Body 
Guard,  wuz  sent  for  them.  In  a moment  they  wuz  brot  in. 
They  wuz  a mizable  lookin  set.  Forney  and  Wendell  Phillips 


WHAT  HAD  BEEN  DONE. 


349 


wnz  chained  together,  Fred  Douglass  and  Anna  Dickinson,  Dick 
Yates  and  Governor  Morton,  Ben  Butler  and  Carl  Shurz,  Kelly 
and  Covode,  while  Chase  wuz  tied  to  Boris  Greely,  onto  whose 
back  wuz  a placard,  inscribed,  The  last  uv  the  Tribunes ; ’’  at 
wich  Kaymond,  who  left  the  Badikles  and  declared  for  the 
empire  at  precisely  the  rite  time,  and  w^uz  now  editor  of 
the  Court  Journal,  laffed  immodritly.  Some  one  exclaimed. 
Bring  in  Thad  Stevens  ! ’’  at  wich  His  Majesty  turned  pale, 
and  his  knees  smote  together.  Don’t,  don’t ! ” sez  he  ; he’s 
strength  enuff  left  to  wag  his  tongue.  Keep  him  away  ! keep 
him  away  ! ” and  he  showed  ez  much  fear  ez  men  do  in  delirum 
tremens  when  they  see  snakes. 

Methawt  I made  inquiries,  and  found  that  things  wuz  workin 
satisfactory.  General  Grant  wuz  in  exile,  and  General  Sheri- 
dan hed  bin  decapitatid  for  refoosin  to  acquiesce  in  the  new 
arrangement.  The  country  hed  bin  divided  into  dookdoms  and 
earldoms,  and  sich,  over  wich  the  nobility  rooled  with  undis- 
pooted  authority.  The  principal  men  uv  the  North  hed  been 
capcherd  and  subdooed,  and  wuz  a fillin  menial  positions  in  the 
palaces  uv  the  nobility.  No  Lord  or  Dook  or  Earl  considered 
himself  well  served  onless  he  hed  a half  dozen  Northern  Con- 
gressmen in  his  house,  while  the  higher  grade  uv  nobility 
wuzn’t  content  with  anythin  less  than  Guvners.  The  indebt- 
edness uv  the  South  to  the  North  hed  bin  adjustid.  A decree 
hed  bin  ishood  to  the  effect  that  Northern  merchants  who 
shood  press  a claim  agin  a Southerner  shood  be  beheaded  and 
his  goods  confistikated.  The  question  uv  slavery  hed  bin 
settled  forever,  for  the  Democratic  ijee  uv  one  class  to  serve 
and  one  class  to  be  served  wuz  fully  establisht.  There  wuz 
now  three  classes  uv  society,  the  hereditary  nobility,  the 
untitled  officials,  and  the  people ; the  latter,  black  and  white, 
wuz  all  serfs,  and  all  attached  to  the  soil.  Biznis  wuz  all  done 
by  foreigners,  the  policy  uv  the  government  bein  to  make  the 
native  born  people  purely  agricultural  peasantry.  The  nobility, 
desirin  to  make  it  easy  for  em,  giv  em  one  sixth  uv  the  produx 
uv  the  soil,  reservin  the  balance  for  their  own  uses. 

fMy  dream  didn’t  continyoo  long  enuff  for  me  to  ascertain 
whether  I wuz  a nobleman  or  not,  but  I am  uv  the  opinion  that 
I wuz,  for  a servant,  handin  me  a pin  to  stick  into  General 


350 


A CABINET  MEETING. 


Butler  to  make  him  roar  for  the  amoozemeut  of  the  company, 
addressed  me  ez  “ Yoor  Grace,’’  from  which  I inferred  that  I 
wuz  one  of  the  Lords  spiritooal.  Unfortunitly  at  this  pint  I 
awoke,  and  a sad  awakenin  it  wuz.  The  gorjus  halls  hed  van- 
ished, the  chandeleers  hed  vanished,  the  robes  uv  stait  and 
jewels  and  sich  wuz  gone,  and  I wuz  in  my  offis,  not  Yoor 
Grace,”  but  merely  a Postmaster  in  a Kentucky  village  ! 
Well,  that  is  suthin.  Wat  better  is  a nobleman?  He  don’t 
work,  neither  do  I.  He  drinks  wine,  it  is  troo ; but  I hev  wat 
soots  me  better — whisky  fresh  from  the  still.  Yet  my  dream 
may  be  realized,  and  ef  it  is,  I will  endevoor  to  fill  the  position 
with  credit.  Who  knows  ? 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

— — • 

CXXII. 

A CABINET  MEETING.  — LETTERS  FROM  REY.  HENRY 
WARD  BEECHER,  GENERAL  CUSTAR,  HENRY  J. 
RAYMOND,  AND  HON.  JOHN  MORRISSEY,  EACH 
ANXIOUS  TO  PRESERYE  HIS  REPUTATION.  — A 
SAD  TIME  AT  THE  WHITE  HOUSE. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 

November  7,  1866.  \ 

I WUZ  called  to  Washington  by  our  patron  Saint,  the  Presi- 
dent, to  comfort  his  wounded  sperit.  There  ain’t  no  disguisin 
the  fact,  — the  sperit  of  Androo  Johnson  is  wounded.  He  hez 
endoored  the  slings  and  arrers  uv  more  outrajus  fortune  than 
any  other  man  who  hez  lived  sence  the  days  uv  Hamlit ; more, 

After  the  October  elections  had  settled  the  fate  of  the  Johnson  party,  there 
was  a terrible  scattering  of  his  forces.  Many  Republicans,  who  had  secured 
the  places  they  coveted,  made  haste  to  find  more  respectable  political  quarters, 
and  those  who  had  failed,  of  course  deserted  him.  The  Democracy  having  dis- 
covered that  he  had  no  strength  that  they  could  use,  left  him  in  a body,  and 
returned  to  their  old  camp.  He  was  a sinking  ship,  and  the  political  rats  all 
deserted  him. 


LETTER  FROM  BEECHER. 


351 


indeed,  than  Hamlit  endoored,  twict  over.  Hamlit’s  father  wuz 
pizoned,  and  his  mother  married  agin  afore  her  monrnin  clothes 
wuz  wore  out  — suthin  no  savin,  prudent  woman  would  do ; 
but  what  wuz  that  to  wat  A.  Johnson  endoors  every  day? 
Nothin. 

The  cabinet  meetin  to  wich  I wuz  summoned  wuz  called  for 
the  purpose  uv  sheddin  a tear  or  two  over  the  election  returns, 
and  to  consider  a variety  uv  letters  wich  His  Eggscellency  lied 
receeved  within  a few  days.  1 may  remark  that  the  cabinet 
bed  a gloomy  and  mildewed  look. 

The  fust  wuz  from  Eev.  Henry  Ward  Beecher.  Mr.  Beecher 
remarked  that  he  had  the  highest  possible  respeck  for  the  offis 
wunst  held  by  the  good  Washington,  the  great  Adams,  and  the 
sainted  Linkin.  He  omitted  remarkin  anythin  about  Peerce 
and  Bookanan,  out  uv  regard  for  the  feelins  uv  the  present 
incumbent,  wich,  ef  he  hed  read  History  correct,  wuz  a ardent 
supporter  uv  the  Administrashens  uv  both  uv  them  men,  wich 
he  considered  stains  upon  the  pages  uv  American  history  wich 
he  cood  wish  mite  be  obliterated.  But  wat  he  desired  to  say 
wuz,  that  he  hed  a higher  regard  for  the  good  opinion  uv  man- 
kind in  general  than  he  hed  for  the  good  opinion  uv  the  acci- 
dental incumbent  uv  any  offis  ; and  ez  he  hed,  in  a hour  uv 
temporary  mental  aberrashen,  wich  hed  happily  passed,  endorsed 
the  Administrashen,  wich  insanity  hed  worked  evil  unto  him, 
he  rekested,  ez  a simple  act  uv  justice,  that  the  President  shood 
cause  it  to  be  known  that  he  (Beecher)  wuz  not  considered  by 
the  Administrashen  ez  a supporter  thereof. 

“ 1 do  this,’^  sed  the  writer,  becoz  the  impression  that  I am 
in  the  confidence  uv  yoor  Eggslency,  wich  is  onfortunately 
abroad,  hez  seriously  damaged  my  reputashen. 

‘‘  Trooly  yoors,”  et  settry. 

The  readin  uv  this  letter  wuz  follered  by  a minit  uv  profound 
silence,  wich  wuz  broken  by  the  President. 

“ Let  him  pass,’’  sed  the  great  man  who  hez  the  dispensin 
uv  the  post  offisis,  let  him  pass.  But  here  is  another,”  sed 
he,  bustin  into  teers  ; “ read  that.” 

It  wuz  from  Gen.  Custar,  him  uv  the  yaller  hair,  wich  hed 
some  reputashen  doorin  the  war  ez  a cavalry  commander.  It 


352 


CUSTAR  AND  RAYMOND. 


wuz  to  the  same  effect.  He  hed,  when  he  sposed  that  the 
policy  uv  the  President,  wich  he  esteemed  ez  he  must  any  man 
who  held  the  exalted  position  wunst  okkepied  by  the  good 
Washington,  the  great  Jefferson,  and  the  sainted  Linkin  — 

“ The  ongrateful  dog  doesn’t  respect  me  ! ” sed  Androo  * it’s 
the  offis  I fill ; ” and  he  bust  into  a fresh  flood. 

— When  he  spozed  the  President’s  policy  wuz  sich  ez  a soljer 
and  patriot  cood  endorse,  he  endorsed  it.  But  he  diskivered 
that  it  led ‘him,  back  foremost,  into  company  Avich,  doorin  the 
late  war,  he  hed  alluz  visited  face  foremost  and  on  hossback  ; 
and  therefore,  to  save  his  reputashun,  he  must  beg  that  the 
President  wood  give  it  out  that  he  (Gen.  Custar)  wuz  not,  nor 
never  hed  bin,  a supporter  uv  his  policy,  and  oblige 

Yoors  trooly,  ez  before. 

I Avuz  too  hart-broken  at  this  to  make  any  reply,  and  Cowan 
and  Doolittle  wuz  in  the  same  fix.  The  Kernelcy  wich  wuz 
given  to  Custar  to  keep  him  in  posishen,  hed  bin  promised  to  a 
Demokratic  captin,  who  wuz  led  by  a company  in  the  first  Bull 
Run  fight,  and  who  threw  up  in  disgust  the  next  day,  not  likin 
the  manner  in  wich  the  war  wuz  bein  conducted  ; but  now  the 
Kernelcy  wuz  gone,  and  Custar  too  ; and  wat  wuz  worse,  there 
Avuz  no  sich  thing  to  be  thot  uv  ez  dismissin  him.  The  entire 
company  united  in  minglin  their  teers. 

The  next  letter  wuz  read  by  Seward,  ez  it  wuz  addressed  to 
him.  It  wuz  from  Raymond.  He  opened  Avith  the  remark  that 
for  the  Presidential  office  he  hed  the  highest  respeck.  Aside 
from  the  considerashen  that  it  hed  bin  Avunst  okkepied  by  the 
good  Washinton,  the  great  Adams,  and  the  sainted  Linkin,  the 
President  mite  be  considered  the  Father  of  his  country,  hevin 
so  large  a number  of  helpless  children  to  provide  for ; and 
besides,  he  hed  a instinctive  respeck  for  the  dispenser  of  any- 
thing. It  Avuz  difficult  for  him,  bein  a open  and  simple-minded 
man,  not  to  adhere  to  the  President ; but  — 

Good  Heavens  ! ” shreeked  J ohnson,  that  little  fox  ain’t  a 
goin  to  speak  uv  ms  reputashen  ! ” 

Booty  requires  the  reedin  uv  the  entire  dockeyment,  pain- 
ful to  my  feelins  ez  it  may  be,”  sed  SeAvard.  “ He  concloods 
thusly  — 


HON.  MR.  MORRISSEY. 


353 


“ ^ I am  forced  to  ask  you,  ez  one  enjoy  in  confidenshel  rela- 
tions with  Him  who  occupies  the  Presidenshel  chair,  to  hev  it 
given  out  that  I stand  in  opposition  to  him.  A doo  regard 
FOR  MY  REPUTASHEN  impels  me  to  this  course.  I remain 

‘‘  ^ Yoors  Trooly.’ 

There  wuz  two  or  three  more.  Gen.  Carey,  uv  Ohio,  re- 
quested the  President  to  remove  him  from  his  Collectorship,  ez 
the  hdldin  uv  it  wuz  injoorin  his  reputashen.  A editor  out 
West,  who  wuz  sedooced  into  takin  a Post  Ofifis,  begged  to  hev 
it  taken  off  his  hands,  that  he  might  save  his  circulashen  before 
it  wuz  everlastinly  too  late.  And  finally  we  come  to  wun,  the 
seal  uv  wich  wuz  a coat-uv-arms  — bull  dog  rampant,  bowie- 
knife  couchant,  supported  by  trottin  horses,  on  a field  uv  green 
cloth.  It  wuz  from  Hon.  John  Morrissey,  who  hed  jest  ben' 
elected  to  Congress  in  Noo  Y^ork. 

ilr.  Morrisey  remarked  that,  ez  one  uv  the  pillars  uv  the 
Democrasy,  he  felt  he  hed  a rjte  to  speek.  He  wished  it  to  be 
understood  that  he  washed  his  hands  uv  any  connection  with 
Johnson  or  his  party.  He  hed  seed  a life.  In  States  where 
the  Democrasy,  uv  wich  he  wuz  a piller,  hed  tied  themselves 
to  Johnson,  they  hed  gone  down  to  a prematoor  grave.  Re- 
speck for  the  high  offis  restrained  him  from  savin  that  the 
Democrasy  coodent  carry  sich  a cussid  load ; but  he  wood  say 
that  the  result  uv  the  election  in  Noo  York,  where  they  de- 
pended solely  on  muscle  and  nigger,  wich  is  the  reel  Democratic 
capital,  and  succeeded,  while  where  the  Democrasy  wuz  loaded 
down  with  Johnsonism,  they  failed,  satisfied  him  that  the  Presi- 
dent wuz  a inkubus.  He  sed  tliis  with  all  doo  respeck  for  the 
offis.  Mr.  Morrissey  further  remarked  that  he  hed  also  personel 
reasons  for  makin  this  request.  He  commenced  in  a humble 
position,  and  hed  filled  the  public  eye  long  enuff  to  satisfy  his 
modist  ambishen.  He  hed  walloped  Sullivan  and  Heenan  ; he 
hed  owned  the  fastest  horses,  and  won  more  money  at  faro  than 
any  man  in  Amerika.  His  ambishen  wuz  satisfied,  so  fur  ez  he 
wuz  concerned  ; but  he  hoped  to  leave  behind  him,  for  his 
infant  son  (wich  wuz  only  twelve  years  uv  age,  and  wich  hed 
a development  uv  intelleck  and  muscle  remarkable  for  one  so 
tender,  hevin  already  walloped  every  boy  in  the  skool  to  wich 
23 


354 


A BROKEN  HEART. 


he  wuz  a goin),  he  desired  to  leave  that  son  a honorable  name. 
It  hed  bin  given  out  that  he  wuz  a supporter  uv  the  individooal 
who  okkepied  the  Presidenshel  offis,  and  it  wuz  injoorin  him. 
He  wished  that  stigma  removed.  A regard  for  his  repu- 
TASHEN  forced  him  to  insist  upon  it. 

And  this  epistle  wuz  dooly  signed, 

his 

J OHN  X Morrissey,  M.  C.  • 

mark.  « 

There  wuz  silence  in  the  Cabinet.  This  last  stroke  intensified 
the  gloom  wich  hed  settled  onto  the  Government;  and  ez  I 
turned  my  tear-bedewed  eyes,  I saw  the  great  drops  coursin 
down  the  cheeks  uv  every  one  present.  Mr.  Seward  retired 
without  sayin  anythin  about  ninety  days,  and  one  by  one  they 
all  departed. 

It  wuz  a solemn  time.  There  wuz  other  letters  yet  to  be 
read,  but  no  one  hed  the  heart  to  open  em.  I made  a move  in 
that  direckshun,  but  Androo  prevented  me.  I’m  sick,”  mur- 
mured he,  in  a husky  voice,  which  showed  that  his  hart  wuz 
peerced.  Help  me  to  bed.”  I saw  the  great  man  bury  his 
intellectool  head  beneath  the  snowy  kivrin  uv  his  oneasy  couch, 
all  but  the  nose,  which  in  him  is  the  thermometer  uv  the  sole, 
and  which  accordinly  glowed,  not  with  the  usual  brilliant  hue, 
but  with  a dull,  dead,  and  ghastly  bloo.  Noticin  the  convulsive 
heavins  uv  the  kivers,  which  betrayed  the  agitashen  uv  the 
breast  beneath,  I whispered  in  his  ear,  ez  I handed  him  his  nite 
drink  uv  rye  whisky  flavored  with  bourbon,  that  he  hed  one 
hold,  ez  Delaware  hed  sustained  him.  A flush  uv  satisfaction 
passed  over  his  nose,  but  it  subsided  in  an  instant.  Troo,” 
gasped  he,  ‘‘  it’s  ourn  now ; but  before  the  next  election  a 
couple  uv  them  Massachusits  ablishnists  will  buy  the  cussid 
State,  and  re-people  it  to  soot  em  ; ” and  he  gave  a convulsive 
gasp,  and  sank  into  a troubled  slumber. 

It  wuz  a tetchin  occasion. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


A SERMON. 


355 


CXXIII. 

A SERMON  UPON  THE  NOVEMBER'  ELECTIONS,  FROM 
THE  TEXT,  NO  MAN  PUTTETH  NEW  WINE  INTO 
OLD  BOTTLES,”  WITH  A DIGRESSION  OR  TWO. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Staituv  Kentucky),  ^ 

November  16,  1866.  > 

When  the  news  uv  the  result  of  the  Illinoy  election  reached 
the  Corners,  there  wuz  a feelin  uv  oneasiness  wich  was  trooly 
affectin  ; but  when  the  crushin  intelligence  arove  that  Hoffman 
wuz  beeten  in  Noo  York,  there  wuz  a prostration  wich  wuz 
only  ekalled  when  the  intelligence  of  Lee’s  surrender  reached 
us.  We  expected  defeat  in  Illinoy,  and  some  of  the  other 
States,  but  we  hed  hopes  that  Noo  York  wood  go  Dimocratic, 
that  His  Eggslency  mite  hev  some  show  uv  backin  by  the  peo- 
ple, and  consekently  some  excoose  for  continyooin  to  enforce 
his  policy.  But  that  hope  wuz  t^ken  from  us,  and  uv  the  entire 
populashen,  I wuz  the  only  one  who  hed  suffishent  stamina  to 
preserve  the  semblance  uv  cheerfulness,  and  that  wuz  only  on 
akkount  uv  my  hevin  the  Post  Offis.  Elections  can’t  take  that 
from  me : it  is  a rock  wich  the  waves  uv  popler  indignashen 
can’t  wash  away,  thank  the  Lord  ! for  ef  they  cood,  how  many 
uv  us  wood  to-day  be  holdin  our  places  ? Still,  I felt  over- 
whelmed, and  sorrowfully  I entered  Bascom’s.  There,  with 
their  heads  bowed  in  sorrer,  and  tears  flowin  from  their  vener- 
able eyes,  sot  Deekin  Pogram,  Elder  Slathers,  and  a few  others 
of  the  Saints,  who,  ez  I entered,  mekanikally  rose,  and  stood 
afore  the  bar ; mekanikally  Bascom,  who  wuz  likewise  bowed 
down  with  grief,  sot  out  the  invigorator  ; mekanikally  we  dosed 
ourselves,  and  still  in  a daze,  mekanikally  I moved  out  without 
payiu,  Bascom  bein  too  full  uv  sorrer  to  notis  it. 

It  wuz  deemed  proper,  in  a view  uv  the  great  calamity,  that 
services  shood  be  held  in  the  church,  and  at  2 P.  M.  — wich 
with  us  mite  be  said  to  mean  post  mortem  — we  slowly  and 
sadly  filed  in,  the  only  smilin  countenance  in  site  bein  that  uv 
a nigger  at  the  door,  who  wuz  to-wunst  beltid  over  the  head 
for  lookin  happy. 


356 


A SERVANT  UNTO  HIS  BRETHREN. 


I gave  out  the  hymn,  — 

“ Broad  is  the  road  wich  leeds  to  death,”  — 

and  it  wuz  sung  with  tetchin  pathos.  After  the  weepin  hed 
subsided,  and  1 got  my  feelings  calmed  down  so  ez  to-  permit 
me  to  speek,  I commenst  explainin  to  em  the  causes  uv  the 
result.  It  wuz,  I sed,  a chastenin  sent  onto  us  for  our  sins;  a 
stripin  becoz  we  hed  exalted  our  horn  in  our  pride  ; that, 
gloryin  in  the  possession  uv  the  post  offices,  the  collectorships, 
the  assessorships,  and  sich,  we  hed  become  vainglorious  and 
puffed  up,  and  careless  in  performance  uv  dooties.  Ther  wuz 
niggers  in  Kentucky  a goin  about  free,  and  impiously  settin  at 
naught  the  decrees  uv  Providence,  wich  condemned  em  to  be 
servants  uv  their  brethren  ; and  here  I digressed  to  eloocydate 
a pint.  I hed  seen  stricters  in  a Boston  paper  onto  the  common 
practice  uv  amalgamashen  in  the  South,  wich  paper  held  up 
the  practis  to  the  condemnashen  uv  pious  men.  ‘‘  My  breth- 
ren,’’ sed  I,  them  Boston  Ablishnists  hev  no  deer  understandin 
uv  the  Skripter.  When  Ham  wuz  oust  by  Near,  wat  wuz  that 
cuss  ? ‘ He  sliel  he  a servant  unto  his  brethren.'^  Not  unto 

strangers  ; not  unto  the  Philistine,  or  the  Girgeshite,  or  the 
Millerite,  but  unto  his  brethren  ! How  cood  he  be  servant 
unto  his  brethren  except  ‘thro  amalgamashen?  Onless  we 
amalgamated  with  em,  how  wood  the  male  niggers  be  our  breth- 
ren ? 0,  my  brethren  ! we  wuz  obliged  to  do  these  things, 

that  the  Skripters  mite  be  fulfilled  ; and  to  the  credit  uv  the 
Southern  people,  be  it  sed,  that  they  never  shrunk  from  the 
performance  uv  that  dooty.  The  per  cent,  uv  yeller  niggers 
in  this  State  attests  how  faithful  Kentucky  hez  bin.” 

But  to  resoom.  We  hev  sinned  in  permittin  skools  to  come 
in,  and  unfit  em  for  their  normal  and  skriptural  condishen  ; but 
these  is  not  all.  My  brethren,  go  to  Esq.  McGavitt’s,  and  get 
the  township  Bible,  and  search  till  yoo  find  this  yer  text : — 

“ And  no  man  putteth  new  wine  into  old  bottles,  else  the  new  wine  doth  bust 
the  bottles,  and  tlie  wine  is  spilled.” 

My  brethren,  wich  is  the  bottles  ? The  Diraocrisey,  uv 
course  ; and  the  most  uv  em  may  be  considered  old  ones.  We 


OLD  CLOTH  ON  A NEW  GARMENT. 


357 


hev  actid  as  bottles,  carrying  about  flooids  — not  percisely 
wine,  but  the  modern  substitoot  therefor  — from  our  earliest 
infancy.  Wich  is  new  wine  ? The  Ablishnists  wich  follered 
Johnson,  uv  course.  New  wine  is  frothy;  so  wuz  they.  New 
wine  fizzes  ; so  did  they.  New  wine  hez  strength  for  a minnit ; 
so  hed'they.  New  wine  is  unreliable  ; so  wuz  they.  At  Phila- 
delphy  the  puttin  uv  this  new  wine  into  old  bottles  wuz  accom- 
plished ; at  that  accursed  place  anshent  Dimocrisy,  wich  be- 
leeves  in  Ham  and  Hagar,  met  and  fell  onto  the  necks  uv 
Seward  and  Doolittle,  wich  invented  Ablishnism,  and  we  mingled 
our  teers  together  ; the  new  wine  wuz  put  into  the  venerable 
old  bottle  uv  Dimocrisy,  and  notwithstandin  we  hooped  it  with 
Federal  patronage,  it  busted,  and  great  wuz  the  bust  thereof; 
and  the  fragments  uv  the  bottles  wuz  prone  onto  the  earth,  and 
the  new  wine  is  runnin  round  permiscus.  So  wuz  the  Skripter 
fulfilled. 

And,  my  brethren,  while  yoo  are  at  the  Squire^s  huntin  up 
that  text,  keep  on  till  yoo  find  another,  to  wit ; — 

“ No  man  also  seweth  a piece  uv  old  cloth  onto  a new  garment,  else  the  new 
piece  that  filleth  it  up  taketh  it  away  from  the  old,  and  the  rent  is  made 
worse.” 

My  hearers,  Democrisy  went  to  Philadelphy  in  a soot  uv 
gray,  wich  it  hed  bin  a wearin  for  five  years.  It  wuz  trpoly 
old,  and  ther  wuz  greevious  rents  in  it,  made  mostly  by  bayonets, 
and  sich.  0,  why  wuzn’t  we  content  to  wear  it  ? Why  wuz 
we  not  satisfied  with  it?  Agin  wuz  the  Skripters  fulfilled. 
We  patched  up  the  Confedrit  gray  with  Federal  blue  ; we  put 
onto  the  back,  Seward ; onto  the  knees,  Kandall ; onto  the 
shoulders,  Cowan;  and  onto  the  seat,  Johnson;  and  they  wuz* 
stitched  together  with  Post  Offisis.  But  it  didn’t  hold.  The 
Skripters  wuz  fulfilled  ; the  old  cloth  wuz  rotten,  and  one  by 
one  patches  fell  off,  somewhat  dirtied,  and  takin  with  em  a part 
uv  the  old,  and  the  rents  is  bigger  than  before.  Our  coat  is 
busted  at  the  elbows,  our  pants  is  frayed  round  the  bottoms, 
out  at  the  knees,  and  from  behind  the  flag  uv  distress  waveth 
drearily  in  the  cold  wind. 

My  brethren,  we  will  succeed  when  we  stick  to  our  integrity. 
Wat  wuz  the  yoose  uv  our  assoomin  what  we  did  not  hev? 


358 


THE  CONCLUSION. 


Wat  wuz  the  sence  uv  our  askin  our  people  to  vote  for  Kernels 
for  Congris  wich  bed,  doorin  the  war,  drafted  their  sons  ? Wat 
wuz  the  yoose  uv  talking  Constooshnel  Amendments  to  men 
who  spozed  that  Internal  Improvements  and  a Nashnel  Bank 
wuz  still  the  ishoo  ? Wat  wuz  the  yoose  uv  lettin  go  our  holt 
on  nigger  equality,  wich  is  the  right  bower,  left  bower,  and 
ace  uv  the  Democrisy,  — its  tower  uv  strength,  its  anker  and 
cheefest  trust,  and  wich  is  easy  uv  comprehension,  and  emi- 
nently adapted  to  the  Democratic  intelleck,  ~ and  takin  up 
questions  wich  will  all  be  settled  ten  years  afore  they  begin  to 
comprehend  em  ? In  breef,  wat  wuz  the  sense,  my  brethren, 
in  puttin  new  wine  into  old  bottles  ? — uv  patchin  old  cloth 
with  new?  Let  us  be  warned,  and  never  repeet  the  fatle 
error. 

The  congregashen  dispersed  somewhat  sadly,  but  ez  they 
gathered  at  Bascom^s  to  discuss  the  sermon,  I wuz  gratified  at 
observin  a visible  improvement  in  their  temper.  Bascom  his- 
self  bussled  around  lively;  Deekin  Pogram  remarked  that 
probably  it  wuz  unskriptooral  to  put  new  wine  into  old  tubs, 
but  ez  he  didrft  hev  an  ijee  that  the  prohibishen  extended  to 
new  whisky,  he^d  resk  it,  bust  or  no  bust,  and  he  pizened  his- 
self  very  much  in  the  old  style,  and  Elder  Slather  and  Kernel 
McPelter  so  far  recovered  their  sperits  ez  to  hang  the  nigger 
I menshend  in  the  beginnin  ez  lookin  pleased  at  the  church. 
The  Corners  is  rapidly  gettin  itself  agin. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich' is  Postmaster). 


THE  LITTLE  GAME  OF  DRAW. 


359 


CXXIV. 

THE  AMNESTY  rROFOSITION.  — THE  CROSS  ROADS 
MADE  THE  VICTIM  OF  A CRUEL  HOAX. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Koads  (wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ) 

December  3,  18G6.  ) 

I NEVER  wuz  SO  elevated,  nor  never  so  cast  down,  in  my  life, 
ez  last  nite,  and  the  entire  Corners  wuz  ditto.  The  circum- 
stances uv  the  case  wuz  ez  follows  : Me  and  a party  uv  friends 
wuz  a playin  draw  poker  with  a Noo  York  commershel  travler, 
I believe  they  call  em,  a feller  with  a mustash  and  side  whis- 
kers, wich  comes  South  a talkin  secesh  and  a sellin  goods.  He 
made  some  inquiries  about  the  standin  uv  the  deelers  at  the 
Corners,  and  wuz,  arter  sed  inquiries,  eggstreemly  anxious  to 
sell  em  goods,  for  cash.  They  wanted  em  on  ninety  days'  time, 
and  on  this  they  split.  He  agreed  with  em  in  principle  — he 
drank  to  Jeff  Davis,  and  damned  Linkin  flooently  — but  on  the 
cash  question  he  wuz  inflexible  and  unmovable.  To  while 
away  the  rosy  hours,  a knot  of  choice  sperits,  him  inclooded, 
gathered  in  the  Post  Orfis,  to  enjoy  a game  uv  draw  poker. 
There  wuz  me  and  Square  Gavitt,  and  Deekin  Pogram,  and 
Elder  Slathers,  and  the  Noo  York  drummer.  We  played  till 
past  the  witchin  hour  of  12  M.,  when  graveyards  yawn  and 
gosts  troop  forth  — when  the  New  Yorker  suckumd.  His 
innocent,  unseasoned  bowels  hedn’t  bin  eddicated  up  to  the 
standard  uv  Kentucky  whiskey,  wich,  new  ez  we  drink  it,  is 
pizen  to  foreigners.  The  Deekin  and  Elder  grabbed  the  stakes 
wich  wuz  onto  the  table,  and  rifled  his  pockets  on  the  suspishen 
that  he  wuz  a Ablishinist,  and  rolled  him  out,  and  while. in  the 
very  act.  Pollock,  the  Illinoy  storekeeper,  cum  rushin  in,  askin 
us  ef  we’d  heerd  the  news. 

We  ansered  yoonanimusly  that  we  hedn’t. 

I’m  jist  in  from  Looisville,”  sed  he  ; I jist  rode  over  from 
the  stashen.  Looisville  is  in  a blaze  uv  glory  ! ” 


The  rebels  of  the  Southern  States  desired  nothing  so  much  as  relief  from 
the  disabilities  enforced  upon  them  as  the  result  of  their  crime,  expecting  that 
through  amnesty  they  would  find  some  way  of  regaining  control  of  their  former 
slaves. 


360 


THE  JOY  WHICH  FILLED  THE  CORNERS. 


sez  I,  ^Miez  Sumner  killed  Tliad  Stevens  and  im- 
mejitly  committed  sooicide  ? ” 

Nary/’ sez  he,  but  Johnson  and  Congress  hev  cum  to- 
gether on  the  basis  uv  universal  Amnesty,  wich  wuz  proclaimed 
yesterday,  to  be  follered  by  universal  suffrage  ez  soon  ez  the 
South  kin  conveniently  do  it.  They  hev  met  and  embraced  on 
Horris  Greely’s  plan.” 

Deekin  Pogram  bust  into  a hysterical  laff,  and  in  his  joy 
handed  me  the  proceeds  uv  his  explorashen  uv  the  pockets  uv 
the  Noo  Yorker,  and  like  a blessed  old  lunatic  broke  for  the 
meetin-house.  In  a moment  or  two  the  bell  pealed  forth  its 
joyous  notes,  and  in  a minit  more  the  half-dressed  villagers 
wuz  seen  emergin  from  their  respective  domiciles  in  all  stiles 
uv  attire.  A few  minits  sufficed  to  make  them  understand  wat 
wuz  the  occasion  uv  the  uproar,  and  a more  enthoosiastic  popu- 
lation never  woke  the  ekkoes.  Afore  five  minutes  hed  rolled 
off  into  eternity,  ther  wuz  a bonfire  blazin  on  the  North  side 
uv  the  square,  the  sed  bonfire  bein  a nigger  skool-house  wich 
the  Freedmen’s  Commishn  hed  erected,  and  wich  our  enthoo- 
siastic citizens  hed  in  their  delirium  uv  joy  set  fire  to.  It  was 
emblematic.  The  smoke  ez  it  roiled  to  the  South  methawt 
assoomed  the  shape  uv  a olive  branch  — the  cry  uv  the  nigger 
children  wich  coodent  escape,  symbolized  their  desertid  con- 
dishn,  and  the  smell  uv  em,  ez  they  roasted,  wuz  like  unto 
incense,  grateful  to  our  nostrils. 

A informal  meetin  wuz  to-wunst  organized  by  the  lite  of  the 
burnin  skool-house,  to  wich  Deekin  Pogram  addressed  hisself. 
He  remarked  that  this  wuz  a solemn  occasion,  so  solemn  indeed 
that  he  felt  inadekate  to  express  the  feelins  wich  filled  him. 
His  mouth  wuzn’t  big  enough  to  give  vent  to  his  sole,  though 
ef  he  didn’t  he’d  bust.  “Wat  are  we  met  for  to-nite,  my 
friends?”  sed  he;  “wat  calls  us  together?  Wherefore  these 
sounds  uv  joy  — wherefore  this  fire,  and  wherefore  is  Bascom 
sellin  likker  at  half  price  ? Becoz  we  are  rehabilitated  — that’s 
wat  we  are.  Becoz  the  North  hez  gone  into  the  olive  branch 
bizness  agin,  and  we  hev  wunst  more  our  rites.  We  are  am- 
nestied. We  kin  vote  — we  kin  go  to  Congress  — we  are  agin 
citizens  uv  the  great  Republic.” 

Pollock,  the  Illinoy  storekeeper,  riz  and  begged  permishn  to 


MODERATE  QUALIFICATIONS. 


361 


say  a word.  He  protested  agin  these  doins.  He  understood, 
akkordin  to  Horris  Greely’s  plan,  that  universal  suffrage  wuz 
to  follow  universal  amnesty  — why  then  this  makin  John  Rod- 
gerses uv  the  niggers  ? Wuz  the  South  a goin  to  act  in  good 
taith  ? 

Deekin  Pogram  replied  : The  South  never  yit  broke  plighted 
faith  save  when  she  cood  make  suthin  by  so  doin.  At  this 
present  junkter  uv  affairs  he  presoomed  the  South  wood  extend, 
not  precisely  universal  suffrage  to  the  niggers,  but  the  way 
wood  be  opened  to  em.  Sich  a mass  uv  ignorance  cood  never 
be  trusted  with  the  ballot  without  preparashen,  and  to  prepare 
em  wood  be  a overturnin  the  Kentucky  theory,  that  the  nigger 
is  a beast,  and  the  Northern  Demokratic  idea  that  the  nigger 
wuz  cust  by  Noer  and  doomed  forever  to  be  a slave. 

The  gentleman  from  Illinoy  will  to-wuns,t  perceive  the  fix 
we  are  in.  They  ain’t  fit  for  the  ballot  now,  and  ef  we  make 
em  so,  it  overturns  our  theory,  wich  we  can’t  do.  Still  we 
propose  to  be  just  to  em.  We  shel  give  sich  uv  em  the  ballot 
ez  are  suffishently  intellijent,  and  shel  not  put  the  standard  too 
high.  We  shel  give  every  wun  uv  em  the  ballot  who  is  able 
to  reed  the  Greek  testament  flooently  and  pass  a credible  ex- 
aminashen  in  Latin,  embroidery,  French,  German,  English 
Grammar,  and  double-entry  book-keepin.  The  path  to  the  polls, 
yoo  see,  is  open  to  em.  Uv  course  we  can’t  be  expectid  to 
tolerate  skool-houses  for  em,  coz  that  wood  raise  em  above  their 
normal  condishen.  Also,  ther  must  be  proper  regulashens  con- 
trollin  em,  for,  my  deer  sir,  they  are  mere  infants,  and  ther 
totterin  steps  on  the  road  to  freedom  needs  directing.  Society 
is  a compromise  in  wich  every  one  resigns  ez  much  uv  his 
persnel  liberty  ez  the  good  uv  the  hull  may  demand.  We  count 
ourselves  the  hull,  and  the  resinin  uv  persnel  liberty  must 
come  from  them.  That  nigger,”  sed  he,  pintin  to  wun  wich  the 
joyous  citizens  wuz  stringin  up  to  Bascom’s  sign-post,  “ that 
nigger  is  a resinin  his  persnel  freedom  for  the  good  of  the  hull. 
No  doubt  in  his  heart  he  murmurs,  and  ef  the  cord  wich  is 
chokin  him  cood  be  loosened,  he  wood  repine.  It  is  rough  on 
him;  but  the  sooperiority  uv  the  Caucashn  race  must  be-— - 
My  God  ! it’s  one  uv  my  niggers  ! Stop ! Bascom,  stop  ! ” 
ejakilated  the  Deekin,  but  it  wuz  too  late.  The  nigger  wuz 


362 


THE  DEACON  CONTINUES. 


already  black  in  the  face  and  hed  ceased  to  kick,  and  the 
Deekin,  heavin  a sigh,  perceeded. 

We  shel  scroopulously  regard  their  rites.  They  shel  hev 
the  rite  to  buy  land,  and  be  in  all  respecks  like  us,  ez  soon  ez 
they  kin  be  trusted.  Till  then  they  will  hev  to  be  restrained. 
There  must  be  laws  prohibitin  em  from  receivin  more  than 
$4.50  per  month,  that  they  may  not  become  bloated  aristocrats 
and  pampered  sons  uv  luxury  — the  proper  development  of 
the  country,  and  likewise  the  payment  of  the  Confedrit  debt, 
requires  manuel  labor,  wich  we  wuz  never  edjucated  to  do,  and 
therefore  the  good  of  the  whole  requires  that  they  shel  resigne 
their  persnel  liberty  so  fur  ez  to  be  confined  to  the  plantashuns, 
onto  which  they  hev  engaged  to  laber,  that  they  may  relijusly 
do  sed  laber,  which  is  cleerly  nessary,  for  yoo  see  ef  I hire  a 
nigger  in  Janooary,  I must  not  be  exposed  to  the  chances  uv 
his  quittin  me  in  July.  But  wat  more  kin  they  want  ? They 
are  free  to  ez  great  a extent  ez  the  good  of  society  will  permit. 
We  shel  give  em  qualified  suffrage,  fixin,  uv  course,  wich  is 
just,  the  qualifications  ourselves,  and  bein  valyooable  members 
of  society,  hereafter  we  shel  care  fur  em,  so  long  ez  they  are 
healthy  — Good  Lord,  why  will  them  cusses  persist  in  hangin 
up  able-bodied  niggers  when  there^s  so  many  old  ones  around, 
good  for  nuthin  but  to  celebrate  with  ? and  to  save  another 
wun  uv  his  former  servants,  the  Deekin  closed  abruptly. 

It  is  onnecessary  to  recount  the  further  doins  uv  the  nite. 
There  wuz  a skool-house  and  church,  recently  erected,  burnd, 
with  some  skore  or  sich  a matter  uv  young  niggers  in  em, 
which  wuz  too  young  to  be  of  any  yoose,  save  one  girl,  wich 
wuz  neerly  white  and  almost  fifteen,  wich  ought  to  hev  bin 
reskood,  and  five,  ef  1 counted  correctly,  able-bodied  men  and 
wimin  wuz  hung.  Bascom  sold  out  his  stock  entirely,  and  by 
3 A.  M.  the  entire  inhabitance  uv  the  Corners  wuz  a layin 
around  the  square,  in  festoons. 

There  wuz  a bitter  awakenin  to  this  scene  uv  festivity.  At 
a little  after  7,  while  the  Deekin,  the  Elder,  and  myself  wuz  in 
Bascom’s  tryin  to  get  an  assuager  — and  the  best  we  cood  do 
wuz  to  pour  a quart  uv  water  into  a barrel  wich  hed  bin  emp- 
tied, and  roll  it  around  and  thus  flavor  it — Captain  McPelter, 
late  uv  Morgan’s  cavalry,  cum  in  from  Looisville.  Eagerly  we 


A SOUTHERN  COLLEGE. 


363 


asked  him  the  confirmation  uv  the  tidins,  when  he  informed  us 
that  it  wuz  a hoax  — that  no  such  thing  had  been  done,  nor 
wuz  Congris  in  any  sich  a noshen.  Pollock  dropped  in,  and 
when  I reproached  him  with  his  dooplicity,  he  ansered  that  it 
wuz  a hoax,  but  he  hoped  we^d  excoose  him.  He  hed  a cravin 
desire  to  see  whether  ef  Amnesty  and  Suffrage  shood  be 
adopted,  how  fur  we’d  go  in  the  latter  direction.  He  wuz 
satisfied,  and  hoped  we’d  forgive  him  the  pleasant  jest.  He’d 
made  the  Corners  lively  one  nite,  any  how.  I wuz  too  pro- 
foundly disgusted  to  reply  to  the  wretch. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  postmaster). 

cxxv. 

MR.  NASBY  PROJECTS  A COLLEGE. 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 

December  9,  1866.  \ 

Square  Gavitt,  Heekin  Pogram,  Captain  McPelter,  and  myself 
wuz  in  the  Post  Offis  last  nite,  wich,  next  to  Bascom’s,  hez  got 
to  be  the  cheef  resort  uv  the  leading  intellex  uv  the  Corners, 
a talkin  over  matters  and  things,  when  the  Deekin  happened 
to  menshun  that  next  week  his  second  son,  Elijer,  who  hez 
intelleck  into  him,  was  a goin  to  start  for  Michigan  to  enter  a 
college. 

“ Wat ! ” sed  I,  do  yoo  perpose  to  send  that  noble  yooth, 
Elijer  Pogram,  to  a Ablishn  State,  to  enter  a Ablishn  college, 
to  suck  his  knollege  from  a Ablishn  mother  ? Good  Heavens  ! 
Frailty,  thy  name  is  woman.” 

[I  hedn’t  any  ijee  that  this  last  remark  wuz  appropos,  but  it 
sounds  well,  and  I hev  notist  that  it  don’t  make  much  difference 
wat  the  cotashun  is,  so.ez  yoo  end  a remark  with  a cotashun.j 


A large  number  of  colleges  were  established  in  the  South,  for  no  other 
apparent  purpose  than  to  furnish  employment  for  the  officers  of  the  Confederate 
army.  But  few  of  them  got  farther  than  the  issuing  of  a prospectus. 


364 


THE  deacon’s  idea  OF  EDUCATION. 


The  Deekin  remarked  that  it  wuz  painful ; but  the  fact  wuz, 
Elijer  must  hev  a ejucashen.  He  didn’t  bleeve  in  ejucashen, 
generally  speekin.  The  common  people  wuz  better  off  without 
it,  ez  ejucashen  hed  a tendency  to  unsettle  their  minds.  He 
lied  seen  the  evil  effex  uv  it  in  niggers  and  poor  whites.  So 
soon  ez  a nigger  masters  the  spellin  book  and  gits  into  noose- 
papers,  he  becomes  dissatisfied  with  his  condishn,  and  hankers 
after  a better  cabin  and  more  wages.  He  to-wunst  begins  to 
insist  onto  ownin  land  hisself,  and  givin  his  children  ejucashen, 
and,  ez  a nigger,  for  our  purposes,  ain’t  worth  a soo  markee. 
Jes  so  with  the  poor  whites.  He  knowd  one  meloncolly  in- 
stance. A poor  cuss  up  toards  Garrittstown,  named  Ramsey, 
learnt  to  read  afore  the  war,  and  then  commenst  deterioratin. 
For  two  years  he  refoozed  to  vote  the  Dimocratic  ticket,  then 
he  blossomed  out  into  a Ablishnist,  and  tried  to  make  the  others 
uv  his  class  discontented  by  tellin  uv  em  that  Slavery  wuz  wat 
kept  them  down,  and  finally,  after  pashense  ceased  to  be  a vir- 
choo,  and  we  tarred  and  fethered  him  one  nite  for  a incendiary, 
he  went  to  Injiany.  That  cuss  cum  back  here,  doorin  the  late 
onpleasantniss,  kernel  of  a regiment,  wich  he  campt  on  my  farm 
and  subsisted  em  off  it.  Sum  ejucashen  is,  how  ever,  nessary. 
I design  Elijer  for  Congris,  and  he  must  hev  it.  He’s  a true 
Pogram,  and  nothin  will  strike  in  wich  kin  hurt  him. 

Why  not,”  sez  I,  that  the  Southern  yooth  may  be  properly 
trained,  start  a College  uv  our  own  ? Why,  Deekin,  run  risks 
uv  hevin  the  minds  uv  our  young  men  tainted  with  heresy?” 

The  entire  company  wuz  struck  .with  the  idea,  and  it  wuz 
earnestly  canvassed,  and  finally  decided  upon ; and  I wuz 
deppytized  to  start  it,  wich  1 immejitly  did.  The  name  by  wich 
the  new  college  is  to  be  known  is  The  Southern  Classikle, 
Theologikle,  and  Military  Institoot  uv  Confedrit  X Roads  (wich 
is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky).” 

The  college  grounds  is  to  comprise  one  hundred  akers  taken 
from  corners  uv  the  farms  uv  Deekin  Pogram,  Elder  Slathers, 
and  Capt.  McPelter,  wich  ground  they  sell  the  college,  seein 
it’s  for  that  purpose,  for  $300  per  aker.. 

The  faculty  will  be,  ef  we  kin  sekoor  em,  composed  uv  these 
trooly  great  minds  : — 

Genril  Forrest,  late  C.  S.  A.,  Professor  uv  Moral  Philosophy. 


THE  FACULTY. 


365 


Kernell  Mosby,  late  C.  S.  A.,  Professor  uv  Ehetoric  and 
Belles  Lettres. 

Capt.  McGee,  late  C.  S.  A.,  Professor  uv  Natural  Sciences. 

Genril  Magruder,  late  C.  S.  A.,  Professor  uv  watever  is  under- 
stood by  them  ez  is  posted  in  college  matters  ez  Classics,  wich 
I shel  look  up  ez  soon  ez  1 have  time. 

This  is  a killin  two  birds  with  one  stun.  We  not  only  per- 
vide  ejucashen,  wich  is  safe  for  our  young  men,  but  we 
pervide  comfortable  places  for  the  heroes  uv  the  late  on- 
pleasantniss. 

In  addition  to  these,  Deekin  Pogram,  Square  Gavitt,  and  my- 
self, each  pledged  ourselves  to  endow  a Professorship  in  the 
Theologikle  Department,  to  be  known  by  our  names,  and  we  to 
hev  the  appintin  uv  the  Professors. 

The  Pogram  Chair  uv  Biblikle  Theology  will  be  offered  to 
Rev.  Henry  Clay  Dean,  uv  Iowa,  provided  he  will  stipulate  to 
wash  his  feet  Avunst  per  quarter,  and  change  his  shirt  at  least 
twice  per  annum. 

The  Gavitt  Chair  uv  Biblikle  Literatoor  Avill  be  offered  to 
Rev.  C.  Chauncy  Burr,  uv  Noo  York. 

The  Nasby  Chair  uv  Biblikle  Politicks  will  be  filled  by  Rev. 
Petroleum  Vesoovius  Nasby,  whose  eminent  fitness  for  the 
place  is  undispooted. 

In  the  Scientific  and  Classikle  Departments  the  text-books 
will  be  keerfully  revised,  and  everything  uv  a Northern  or 
levelin  tendency  will  be  scroopulously  expergated.  In  the 
Theologikle  Department  speshl  attenshun  will  be  given  to  the 
highly  nessary  Avork  uv  preparin  the  stoodents  for  comin  out 
strong  on  the  holinis  uv  Slavery,  and  to  this  end  the  three 
years’  course  Avill  be  devotid  thus  : — 

1st  year  — To  the  cuss  uv  Noer. 

2d  year  — To  provin  that  the  Afrikin  nigger  avuz  reely  the 

descendants  uv  Ham. 

3d  year  — Considerin  the  various  texts  Avich  go  to  shoAv  that 

Afrikin  slavery  is  not  only  permitted  by  the  skripters,  but 

especially  enjoined. 

I shell  myself  lectur,  from  time  to  time,  on  Ham,  Hager,  and 


366 


THE  COLLEGE  COURSE. 


Onesimus,  that  the  bearing  uv  these  individooals  upon  our  sys- 
tem may  be  fully  understood,  and  also  on  sich  subjects  ez  the 
inflooense  uv  stimulatin  flooids  upon  the  human  system,  the 
cat-0 ’-nine-tails  ez  a evangelizer,  and  sich  other  topics  ez  may 
from  time  to  time  sejest  themselves. 

The  young  men  confided  to  our  care  will  receive  not  only  a 
solid  collegiate  educashun,  ez  it  is  understood  at  the  North, 
but  careful  attention  will  be  paid  to  the  accomplishments  so 
nessary  to  the  troo  Southern  gentleman.  They  will  be  taught 
draw  poker,  pitchin  dollars  (real  Spanish  dollars  will  be  pro- 
vided for  the  purpose),  spittin  at  a mark,  revolver  and  bowie 
knife  practice,  tournament  ridin  at  rings  (real  injy  rubber  rings 
will  be  provided  ■ — this’ll  be  extra),  and  cat-o’-nine-tails.  The 
morals  uv  the  stoodents  will  be  scroopulously  looked  after.  No 
card-playin  will  be  allowed  afore  servis  on  Sunday,  and  none 
whatever  with  the  servants.  They  will  be  taught  to  respeck 
themselves. 

Uv  course,  there  will  hev  to  be  a large  outlay  uv  money, 
wich  it  stands  to  reason  can’t  be  outlayed  till  it’s  inlayed.  We, 
therefore,  formed  an  Executive  Committee,  whose  dooty  it  wuz 
made  to  solissit  funds  for  this  purpose,  and  to  inaugerate  a 
series  uv  Gift  Enterprises,  and  sich,  wich  is  ez  follows  : ■ — 

Deekin  Pogram,  President.  Elder  Slathers,  Vice-President. 
Capt.  McPelter,  Corresponding  Secretary.  Myself,  Financial 
Secretary  and  Treasurer. 

The  high  standin  uv  the  Board,  particklerly  the  Treasurer, 
wich  hez  the  handlin  uv  the  funds,  is  a suffishent  guarantee  that 
all  money  subscribed  will  be  faithfully  applied.  It  wuz  resolved, 
in  order  that  the  Board  may  present  that  respectable  appear- 
ance wich  their  posishen  demands,  that  the  first  funds  reseeved 
should  be  applied  to  the  purchis  uv  each  uv  em  a new  soot  uv 
clothes,  a step,  I am  confident,  the  friends  uv  southern  edu- 
cashen  will  approve  uv  and  heartily  endorse. 

I hev  hopes  in  the  course  uv  a week  to  report  progress. 
Every  subscriber  uv  $2.50  and  upwards,  will  hev  a Honorary 
Professorship  named  after  him,  or  will  be  made  a Honorary  ' 
Member  uv  the  Board  uv  Directors,  ez  he  chooses.  We  hev 


THE  DEATH  OF  JOHN  GUTTLE. 


367 


high  hopes  uv  a libral  support  from  the  Dimocrisy  North. 
They  cannot  but  realize  the  dangers  uv  sendin  their  sons  to 
sich  institooshens  uv  learnin  North  ez  must  turn  em  out  Ablish- 
nists,  or  chill,  at  least,  the  ardor  uv  their  Dimocrisy. 

It  is  to  be  hoped  that  contributions  for  the  buildin  uv  the 
institooshen  and  its  proper  endowment  will  be  commenst 
immejitly,  ez  there  is  a morgage  on  Deekin  Program’s  farm, 
and  I am  in  pressin  need  uv  a substanshel  soot  uv  winter 
clothes. 

Peteoleum  y.  Nasby,  P;  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


CXXVI. 

MR.  NASBY  TRIES  TO  WEEP  AT  THE  TOMB 
OF  A FRIEND. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
December  15,  1866. 

I HEERD,  nearly  two  months  ago,  that  my  old  friend,  John 
Guttle,  uv  Mobeel,  hed  departed  this  life,  and  gone  to  that 
other  and  better  world  where  the  wicked  cease  from  troublin 
and  the  weery  are  at  rest,  and  wuz  profoundly  shocked.  John 
Guttle  wuz  my  friend,  and  I much  feer  his  like  I ne’er  shall 
look  upon  agin.  He  wuz  a Democrat  uv  the  old  skool,  one  uv 
the  few  links  wich  remaned  to  connect  the  present  generation 
with  the  past.  Well  do  I remember  the  glorious  old  man  ! 
How  often  hev  I sat  in  the  square  room  in  his  country  resi- 
dence, and  drunk  whisky  and  water  with  him  till  we  neither 
on  us  could  see  a hole  thro  a forty-foot  ladder  ; how  many  times 
hez  he  flogged  niggers  for  my  amoozment,  to  show  me  the 
proper  way  uv  managin  uv  em ; and  how  many  times  hez  he 
lent  me  small  sums  uv  money,  varyin  from  five  to  thirt}^-one 
dollars,  akkordin  to  the  state  uv  mellernis  he  wuz  in  when  I 
approached  him  on  the  delikit  subjik  ! Alas  I poor  John  Gut- 
tle. Let  not  the  skofifer  say  that  I regret  his  death  becoz  his 


368 


THE  GUTTLE  FAMILY. 


sons  will  be  apt  to  try  and  collect  the  notes  the  old  man 
departed  holds  uv  mine  ! No,  no  ! they  know  me  too  well  to 
waste  any  time  on  that.  I mourn  becoz  I loved  him,  and  becoz 
nv  the  misfortunes  which  druv  him  to  a prematoor  grave. 
A.  Linkin  is  responsible  for  this  dark  shadder  onto  my  path- 
way. J ohn  Guttle  hed  three  hundred  niggers  on  his  plantashens 
and  in  his  house  in  town  — these  wuz  wrencht  from  him  by  the 
Proclamashen,  and  turned  out  from  his  paternal  care  to  starve, 
which  the  most  uv  em  ar>e  industrously  doin  at  $3  per  day. 
He  hed  em  uv  all  hues  — there  wuz  the  full-blooded  Black,  the 
disgustin  Mulatter,  the  pleasant  Quadroon,  the  beautiful  Octo- 
roon, and  them  which  hed  so  nearly  lost  the  cuss  of  Ham  ez  to 
be  hardly  distinguishable  from  the  pure  Caucashun ; and  it 
wuz  noticeable  that  the  nearly  white  niggers  on  the  Guttleses 
plantation  wuz  all  beautiful.  The  Guttleses  theirselves  wuz 
perfeck  specimens  uv  manly  beauty,  and  it  probably  hed  its 
effeck  upon  the  blacks.  The  nigger  is  a imitative  animal. 

It  wuz  this  robbin  uv  him  uv  his  property  — this  overturnin 
uv  the  normal  condishn  uv  things  — which  killed  John  Guttle. 
He  never  held  up  his  head  after  the  Proclamashen,  but  faded 
away  like  a frostid  flower  ! 

I wuz  in  Mobeel  last  week  on  biznis  connected  with  our 
college  (it  wuz  solisitin  funds  to  endow  my  Professorship),  and 
I felt  that  I cood  not  leave  the  sity  without  droppin  a dozen 
teers  or  sich  onto  the  grave.  I felt,  ez  he  hed  contribbitted 
at  various  times  so  much  to  moisten  my  clay,  that  it  wood  be 
ungentlemanly  not  to  do  suthin  toward  moistenin  hizzen.  And 
in  pursuance  uv  my  resolve,  I wended  my  way  sadly  to  the 
cemetary,  and,  findin  the  tomb,  struck  an  attitood  uv  dispair, 
and  leanin  pensively  onto  the  monument,  strove,  to  the  best  uv 
my  ability,  to  weep,  but  it  wuz  a futile  endeavor.  My  eyes 
woodent  give  down.  I strove  to  recall  his  virchoos,  but  sich 
is  the  weaknis  uv  human  nacher  that  whenever  his  form  rose 
in  my  memory,  my  mind  involuntarily  wandered  to  his  whiskey, 
and  my  mouth  would  water  to  sich  an  extent  ez  to  monopolize 
all  the  moisture  in  my  sistem.  I cood  hev  spit  onto  his  grave, 
but  weep  I cood  not.  Alas  for  poor  humanity  ! 

When  I wuz  a standin  there  try  in  to  weep„and  makin  bad 
work  uv  it,  I notist  three  beautiful  young  ladies  approachin. 


THE  MEETING  OF  THE  DAUGHTERS. 


369 


with  baskets  ov  hot-house  flowers  a hangin  onto  their  arms. 
I recognized  em  to-wunst.  They  were  John  Guttle’s  daugh- 
ters, and  they  wuz  a comin  to  strew  flowers  onto  the  grave  uv 
their  paternal  ancestor  on  their  father’s  side.  It  wuz  a techin 
site ; and  feelin  that  I wuz  a introoder,  not  bein  a blood  rela- 
shun,  and  only  connected  with  the  deceest  by  notes  uv  hand,  I 
withdrew  a short  distants.  Skasely  hed  they  got  to  the  tomb, 
when  from  the  other  side  approached  three  more  ravishinly 
beautiful  young  ladies,  with  baskits  uv  hot-house  flowers  onto 
their  arms.  The  last  ones  resembled  in  a strikin  manner  the  fust 
ones,  exceptin  they  wuz  a shade  darker,  and  their  hare  waved 
bootiful,  whereas  the  hare  uv  the  fust  wuz  perfeckly  strate. 

The  two  parties  faced  each  other  on  opposite  sides  uv  the 
toom,  and  party  Number  One  glared  fiercely  at  party  Number 
Two. 

Lize  ! Flora!  Jane!”  sed  the  oldest  uv  party  Number 
One,  wat  are  yoo  doin  here?” 

‘‘  Sisters,”  sed  the  eldest  uv  party  Number  Two,  we’re 
here  dischargin  a fillyel  dooty.  Beneeth  these  sod  lies  the 
remains  uv  our  father,  and  we  are  goin  to  strew  these  flowers 
onto  his  toom.  Jine  us  in  the  strew.” 

Father  ? ” shreeked  the  three  uv  party  Number  One. 

Yoor  all  niggers,  and  wuz  servants  unto  — ” 

Our  half-sisters,”  sed  the  spokesman  uv  party  Number 
Two  ; but  Linkin  removed  the  cuss  uv  Ham,  and  we’re  now 
free,  and  hev  as  much  rite  to  strew  the  grave  uv  our  common 
parient,  which  wuz  John  Guttle,  ez  yoo.  0 ! our  sisters,  our 
father  wuz  a good  man  — let  us  bedew  his  grave  with  our 
teers  and  — ” 

Wat  impudence  ! ” shreeked  party  Number  One,  all  in 
korious. 

Impudence  yoorself ! ” retorted  party  Number  Two,  getting 
red  in  the  face.  We  are  John  Guttleses  daughters  percisely 
ez  much  ez  yoo,  and  the  only  advantage  yoo  hev  over  us  is  in 
the  article  of  mothers.  Yoo  three  hev  wun,  which  wuz  John 
Guttleses  wife,  while  we  three  hev  three  — one  apiece  eggs- 
ackly  — which  wuz  John  Guttleses  servants;  but  we  can’t, 
nevertheless,  stifle  our  emoshuns.  I shel  command  myself, 
and  thus  perceed  to  perform  a act  uv  fillyel  dooty.” 

24 


370 


THE  WRECK  THAT  ENSUED. 


And  she  histed  out  the  flowers  and  commenced  to  strew. 

Xhe  tother  wuns  wuz  a gettin  hot.  The  oldest  wun  cood 
stand  this  impudence  no  longer,  and  droppin  her  basket,  went 
for  her,  followed  by  her  sisters.  It  wuz  a sperited  conflict, 
and  lasted  perhaps  four  miiiits,  or  until  I parted  em,  when  they 
gathered  themselves  together,  and  departed  — one  party  went 
one  way,  and  tother,  tother. 

Fillyel  love  hed  done  more  in  the  strewin  biznis  than  it  sot 
out  to  do.  The  six  lovin  daughters  uv  the  deceest  John  hed 
not  only  strewed  flowers  onto  his  grave,  but  hair,  and  collars, 
and  buzzum  pins,  and  shreds  uv  silk,  and  water-falls,  and 
cotton,  and  false  teeth,  and  pieces  uv  almost  everything  which 
goes  to  make  up  the  sum  total  uv  female  attire. 

Ez  I gazed  at  the  wreck  and  saw  their  tattered  forms  vanish 
in  the  dim  distance,  I could  not  help  admittin  that  when  it 
come  to  strewin  the  graves  uv  deceest  ancestors,  there  wuz 
sum  disadvantages  attending  the  patriarkle  system. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor  uv 
Biblikle  Politics  in  the  Southern  Classikle  & 
Military  Institoot. 


CXXVII. 

MR.  NASBY  IN  NORTH  CAROLINA.  — THE  ABRO- 
GATION  OF  GENERAL  SICKLES’S  ORDER. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  y 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  C 
December  31,  1866.  y 

For  two  weeks  past  I hev  bin  in  North  Carolina,  and  hev 
hed  an  oppertoonity  uv  bein  uv  servis  to  my  friends  and  the 
good  cause. 

The  planters  of  North  Carolina  assuming  the  right  to  flog  the  freedmen, 
General  Sickles  in  command  of  that  department  issued  an  order  forbidding  the 
infliction  of  corporal  punishment  upon  persons  not  minors.  President  John- 
son promptly  revoked  the  order,  stating  as  his  reason,  that  it  interfered  with 
the  laws  of  the  state  relating  to  vagrants. 


The  liouGH  and  Tumble  at  the  Paternal  Tomb.  Page  370. 


COLONEL  PODGERS. 


371 


I wuz  there  collecting  funds  fur  the  new  College  at  this 
pint,  to  wich  I am  devoted  heart  and  sole,  and  wuz  a makin 
my  home  at  Kernel  Abslum  Podgers’,  who  resides  just  back  of 
Rawly,  and  whose  table  and  cellar  are  unsurpassed  in  the 
South.  Kernel  Podgers  is  a gentleman  uv  the  old  skool,  who 
lives  in  luxurious  elegance  onto  a plantashn  uv  1500  akers, 
and  who  hez  troo  piety  into  him,  and  alluz  wears  a shirt-frill. 
Afore  the  war  he  owned  200  niggers,  and  his  sole  runnin  out 
after  em,  he  hez  managed,  sence  the  war,  to  collect  the  most 
uv  em,  and  get  em  together  on  the  old  place.  He  hez  bin 
busily  engaged  in  subdooin  uv  em,  and  bringing  em  back  to 
ther  normal  condishun  ; but  alas  ! ther  wuz  difficulties  in  the 
way.  The  men  niggers,  with  an  obstinacy  wich  I can’t 
account  for,  refused  to  work  for  $4  per  month,  and  the 
wimen,  hevin  been  mostly  married  to  ther  husbands  by  the 
chaplin  uv  a regiment  wich  wuz  stashened  here  doorin  the 
war,  refoosed  to  resoom  their  old  relations,  and  things  looked 
serious.  Most  men  would  hev  yielded  to  circumstances  and 
give  up,  but  Kernel  Podgers  wuz  not  uv  that  stripe.  He 
owed  a dooty  to  these  misguided  beins  wich  he  felt  he  must 
fulfil ; and  besides,  he  is  desirous  of  buildin  a new  house  next 
summer  and  sendin  two  daughters  (by  his  wife)  to  a seminary 
next  season,  and  he  felt  that  he  must  bring  em  to  their  senses. 
He  sed  that  he  stood  in  the  relation  uv  a fiither,  figgeratively 
speekin,  to  all  uv  em,  and  literally  to  many  uv  em  ; and  wuz 
he  agoin  to  let  em  go  on  a flyin  out  uv  their  normal  speer  ? 
Not  any. 

The  fust  day  I wuz  there,  a crisis  occurred.  John  Podgers, 
his  son,  insisted  upon  takin  away  the  wife  uv  a mulatto,  and 
the  nigger,  forgettin  his  posishen,  wuz  impudent.  John  struck 
him,  and  the  degraded  wretch  waded  in  and  whaled  him  un- 
merciful. This,  uv  course,  cood  not  be  endoored.  The 
Podgers’  blood  riz,  and  that  nigger  wuz  seized  and  catted  till 
he  died.  Ef  I remember  right,  he  expired  while  undergoin 
discipline.  It  may  be  he  lived  tiH  mornin  ; but  it  matters  not, 
ceptin  that  I like  to  be  accurate. 

It  wuz  a solem  and  impressive  scene.  The  Kernel  had  the 
Ethiopian’s  wife  present  doorin  the  infliction  uv  the  punish- 
ment, and  to  show  her  that  he  did  not  perceed  without 


372 


THE  INSULT  TO  PODGERS. 


authority^  before  commencin  lie  read  to  her  from  Scripter 
the  chapters  treatin  nv  Ham  and  Hager,  and  the  passage 
commencin  servance,  obey  yoor  masters,’^  and  then  walloped 
him  with  more  vigger  than  I spozed  wiiz  left  in  a man  so  old. 
He  pinted  to  the  nigger  on  the  ground,  after  he  wuz'cut 
down,  and  tellin  her  that  he  hoped  it  wood  be  a lesson  to  her, 
bade  her  go  to  her  quarters.  But  the  perverse  creecher 
didn’t.  She  ran  away,  and  complained  to  the  officer  at  the 
neerest  post,  who  instid  uv  sendin  her  back  under  guard,  with 
his  compliments  to  Kernel  Podgers,  actilly  forwarded  her 
complaint  to  General  Sickles,  who  forthwith  struck  a blow  at 
the  foundashens  iiv  the  fabric  uv  Southern  sosiety,  and 
ordered  the  arrest  uv  the  Kernel,  who  wuz  to-wunst  placed 
in  doorance  vile. 

There  wuz  eggscitement  in  the  visinity.  I never  saw  sich 
a fermentashen.  Men  run  to  and  fro  with  blancht  cheeks,  and 
askt,  Wat  next?  Is  our  rites  to  be  taken  from  us?  Is 
Johnson  a holler  mockery  ? ” And  they  made  up  a purse,  and 
begged  me  to  go  to  Androo,  and  stand  between  em  and 
destriickshen.  I run  up  to  Washinton,  and  lied  an  interview 
with  his  Eggslency,  the  President.  He  knowd  Kernel  Podgers, 
— in  his  younger  days  he  lied  made  his  coats,  — and  ez  I 
fetched  upon  the  old  man  immured  in  a dismal  dungeon,  he 
wept.  But  A.  Johnson  hez  decision  uv  character.  Wipin  his 
eyes,  he  isshood  a order  for  the  revokashen  uv  Sickleses  absurd 
order  that  niggers  shoodent  be  whipt,  and  a speslil  order  com- 
mandin  the  offiser  who  hed  the  Kernel  in  custody,  to  turn  him 
over  to  the  Civil  Courts,  to  be  tried  in  accordance  with  the 
laws  of  North  Karliny. 

Armed  with  these  documents,  I flew  back,  and  the  nite  I 
arrived  I hed  the  satisfackshen  uv  takiii  the  Kernel  out  uv 
Jail,  and  takin  him  afore  a Justis  uv  the  Peace,  where  he  gave 
bail  to  appear  afore  the  Common  Pleas  to  answer  a charge  uv 
manslaughter,  prefered  by  the  widder  uv  the  dead  nigger.  A 
day  or  two  after,  tlie  case  wuz  heard,  I appearin  for  the 
Kernel.  I held  that  the  case  be  dismissed  for  the  followin 
reasons : — 

1.  The  charge  uv  manslaughter  wuz  absurd,  for  the  reason 
that  in  the  minds  uv  the  Southern  people  there  hez  alluz  bin 


THE  TRIAL  AND  DECISION. 


373 


the  gravest  doubts  ez  to  whether  the  nigger  is  actilly  a man, 
I held  that  the  length  uv  his  heel,  the  thickness  uv  his  skull, 
the  length  uv  his  arm,  all  showd  that  he  wuz  uv  a distink 
species.  Ef  this  is  the  case,  ez  a matter  uv  course,  the  Kernel 
goes  free. 

2.  The  Kernel  can’t  be  held,  alio  win  the  nigger  to  be  a man. 
The  laws  uv  the  State  uv  North  Karliny  permit  the  whippin 
uv  niggers,  but  they  don’t  prescribe  the  quality  uv  whippin 
wich  may  be  inflicted.  It’s  a matter  wich  is  left  entirely  to 
the  discreshen  uv  the  whipper.  It’s  a matter  with  wich  the 
whippee  hez  nothin  to  do  ; neither  hez  the  State.  Ef  the 
Kernel  hed  shot  the  nigger  he  wood  be  liable,  for  shootin  ain’t 
permitted ; but  ez  whippin  is,  and  ez  the  quantity  ain’t  pre- 
scribed, uv  course  it  intends  the  matter  to  be  left  solely  to  the 
discreshen  uv  the  party  who  hez  the  power  to  whip.  Nothin 
kin  be  clearer  than  that.  Shel  Kernel  Podgers  be  punisht 
becoz  a nigger  hedn’t  powers  uv  endoorence  ? Forbid  it 
Heven ! 

Here  I rested  the  case.  I showed  to  the  satisfackshen  uv 
the  Court  that  the  law  was  not  only  just  but  humane,  and  that 
any  sich  absurdity  ez  punishin  the  Kernel  for  carry  in  out  its 
pervisions  wood  be  strikin  a blow  at  the  framework  uv  society. 
The  Court  coincided  witli  me,  and  to-wunst  discharged  the 
Kernel,  amid  the  acclamashuns  uv  the  crowd.  The  event  wuz 
sellebratid  that  afternoon  by  whippin  every  nigger  within  a 
cirkle  uv  ten  miles.  The  exercise  did  our  people  good.  It 
wuz  soothin. 

In  the  mean  time  John  Podgers  hed  gone  afore  a Justice  uv 
the  Peace  and  made  complaint  uv  Susan  (that  is  the  name  uv 
the  female  wich  wuz  the  cause  uv  the  difhkilty)  ez  a vagrant, 
and  she  wuz  so  declctred  by  the  Justis  and  put  up  and  sold. 
Under  the  circumstances  no  one  wood  bid  agin  John,  and  she 
was  struck  off  to  him  at  $50,  wich  'the  Justis,  under  the 
pecoolyer  circumstances  uv  the  case,  refoosed  to  take.  I saw 
John  a marchin  uv  her  home,  and  felt  happy. 

The  Kernel’s  gratitood  wuz  boundlis. 

Wat  kin  I do  for  yoo  ? ” sed  he,  wringin  my  hand  in  a 
fever  uv  joy. 

Nothin,”  sed  I,  nothin  ! Yirchoo  is  its  own  reward. 


374 


RENDERING  AN  ACCOUNT. 


But  our  College  is  languishin  for  want  uv  means  — let  yoor 
gratitood  take  that  shape. 

He  subscribed  and  paid  $200,  wich  constoots  him  a per- 
petooal  Honorary  Professor,  and  $100  to  make  his  wife  a per- 
petooal  Honorary  Professor.  1 borrowd  uv  him  $50  to  take 
me  home,  ez  I coodent  uv  coorse  yoose  College  funds,  and 
departed  $350  better.  I left  regretfully.  Now  that  this  por- 
tion uv  the  South  is  gettin  her  rites,  it  is  trooly  a deliteful 
place  too  live,  and  1 shood  like  to  end  my  days  here.  But  my 
post  offis,  and  that  college!  — I^kin  never  leave  em,  never. 
To  that  college  I hev  dedikated  the  few  remainin  years  uv  my 
life,  and  I’ll  never  desert  it  so  long  ez  there’s  a dollar  to  be 
raised  for  it  out  uv  anybody 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 


CXXVIII. 

MR.  NASBY’S  ACCOUNT  OF  HIS  STEWARDSHIP.— 
LAYING  THE  CORNER  STONE  OP  THE  COLLEGE 
EDIFICE. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 
(Wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  C 
Janooary  2,  1866.  ) 

On  my  return  from  my  trip  to  North  Karliny  ther  wuz  an 
immejit  and  irrepressible  desire  on  the  part  uv  the  Trustees 
uv  the  Institoot,  to  hev  a statement  from  me  uv  the  results  of 
the  trip.  Much  hed  bin  expectid  from  the  vencher,  and  the 
expectashuns  uv  the  Trustees  wuz  riz  to  a pitch  from  wich  I 
felt  it  wuz  crooil  to  hurl  em.  Therefore  I dodged  em,  until 
finally,  bein  badgered,  I thot  I wood  end  it.  Hevin  prepared 
the  dockyments,  I named  the  Post  Offis  ez  the  place,  and  the 
mornin  uv  the  1st  instant  ez  the  time,  to  make  an  exhibit  uv 
the  receets  and  expenditoors  uv  tlie  trip.  Deekin  Pogram, 
Colonel  McPelter,  and  Elder  Slathers  were  promptly  on  hand, 
and  so  wuz  I,  with  the  statement,  wich  I red  to  em  ez  fol- 
lows : — 


WHERE  THE  MONEY  WENT  TO. 


375 


PETROLEUM  V.  NASBY,  in  account  with  the  Southern 
ClassiMe  and  Military  Institoot  Fund : 

Dr. 

To  cash  uv  Kernel  Abslum  Dodgers,  for  self  . . . $200  00 

To  cash  uv  Kernel  Abslum  Dodgers,  for  wife  . . . 100  00 
To  cash  uv  Square  Davis,  proceeds  uv  the  sale  uv  one 
nigger  boy  Jim,  convicted  uv  steelin  a red  herrin, 

generously  donated 50  00 

To  cash  uv  Major  Galbreth,  bein  all  he  hed  left  after 
gettin  a pardon  from  the  Dresident  through  Mrs. 

Cobb  100 

To  cash  uv  John  Kessick,  who  encourages  the  Insti- 
toot, intendin  to  come  here  to  start  a grocery,  ez 

soon  ez  it  gits  fairly  a goin 10  00 

To  cash  uv  divers  and  sundry  persons 20  00 


Grand  totle $381  00 

Cr. 

By  ralerode  fare,  the  conductors  unanimously  refoosin 
to  ded  hed  me  either  in  my  deride,  offishel,  or  be- 
nevolent character $30  00 

By  refreshments,  and  meal  after  refreshments  ...  90 

By  more  refreshments 15 

By  bottle  uv  refreshments  to  use  on  cars  ....  1 50 

By  refreshments  at  station  15 

By  refreshments  at  various  places 60  00 

By  board  at  Rawley 60  00 

By  refreshments  at  Rawley,  wich  comes  high,  bein  25 

cts.  strate 70  00 

By  livery  hire  in  that  vicinity 90  00 

By  refreshments  for  self  and  driver,  includin  broken 

axels  and  sich 25  00 

By  meals  for  self  and  driver 3 00 

By  fare  back  home,  wich  cost  more  owin  to  my  comin 

a round  about  way 50  00 


Grand  totle $390  70 

Leavin  a balance  in  my  favor  of  $9  70. 


376 


INDIGNATION. 


The  brethren  wuz  somewat  disappointed  at  the  result,  and 
Bascom  intimated  that  he  bleeved  it  wuz  a d — d swindle  ; but 
I withered  him  with  a glance.  I showed  Deekin  Pogram  that 
it  wuz  not  only  reglar,  but  that  it  lied  the  stamp  uv  the  Post 
Offis  onto  it,  wich  silenced  all  cavil.  I asshoored  em  that  that 
little  balance  neednT  trouble  em  — I did  not  intend  to  make 
an  assessment  onto  em,  but  that  I cood  wait  until  the  treasury 
wuz  in  funds. 

But,’’  sed  Bascom,  when  in  thunder  will  the  treasury  ever 
be  in  funds,  ef  all  the  expedishuns  result  like  this  one  ? ” 

I explained  to  the  obtoose  man  that  it  wuz  all  rite  ; that  in 
most  uv  sich  enterprises  the  expenses  eat  up  the  collekshuns, 
but  that  it  wuz  seed  sown.  “ We  must,”  sez  I,  raise  the  wind 
from  the  North,  and  to  do  it,  let  us  show  that  suthin  hez  bin  dun.” 

Wat  kin  we  do  ? ” sed  Bascom. 

Lay  the  corner  stun  uv  the  Institoot  ? ” sez  I.  On  the 
square  forninst  us  is  the  corner  stun  uv  the  nigger  church  we 
burnt  a month  or  so  ago,  ready  to  our  hand.  Let  us  organize 
a percession  and  do  it  to-day,  that  we  may  publish  to  the  world 
that  the  work  is  commenced,  that  our  friends  may  shell  out 
libreller  than  they  hev.” 

The  idea  wuz  considered  good,  and  forthwith  it  wuz  actid 
upon.  The  stone  wuz  conveyed  to  the  feeld  onto  wich  the 
Institoot  is  to  be  built,  and  a cavity  wuz  hollered  out  into  it. 

At  4 P.  M.  (wich  is  in  the  afternoon)  a percession  wuz  formed, 
headed  by  the  Trustees,  and  we  marched  out  to  the  feeld.  Into 
the  cavity  in  the  stun  wuz  deposited,  with  approprit  cere- 
monies, the  followin  articles  : — 

A copy  uv  the  Constooshen  uv  the  Confedrit  States  uv 
America.  A copy  uv  the  message  uv  Androo  Johnson  vetoin 
the  Freedmen’s  Buro  Bill.  A copy  uv  the  22d  uv  Febrooary 
speech.  Portrates  uv  the  Trustees.  A copy  uv  the  veto  uv 
the  Civil  Rites  Bill.  A pair  uv  handcuffs.  Portrates  uv  Presi- 
dent Johnson  and  Secretary  Seward.  A nigger  whip.  A $5 
greenback  contribbited  for  the  purpose  by  Elder  Pennibacker. 
A pint  bottle  uv  whisky,  seeled,  conti  ibbited  by  Bascom. 

Then  the  stun  wuz  placed  in  posishen,  and  after  a few  feelin 
remarks  by  myself,  in  wich  I stated  that  this  wuz  a grate  day 
for  the  Corners,  and  that  posterity  wood  bless  us  for  the  work 


TABLEAU. 


377 


we  bed  that  day  done,  the  crowd  dispersed,  the  Trustees  goin 
back  to  my  offis  to  draw  up  a statement  uv  the  ceremonies,  and 
an  appele  to  the  northern  Dimocrisy  for  aid. 

That  nite  about  9 P.  M.,  I wuz  a sittin  in  my  offis  a musin 
onto  the  evence  uv  the  day,  and  wonderin  whether  the  Dimoc- 
' -risy  wood  give  down,  it  okkured  to  me  that  there  wuz  a pint 
bottle  uv  first-class  corn  whisky,  and  $5  in  currency,  agoin  to 
waste  in  that  stun. 

^MVat’ll  posterity  ever  know  uv  us?”  thot  I to  myself. 

Ef  posterity  does  ever  overturn  that  stun,  won’t  she  git  jest 
ez  good  an  idea  uv  who  we  wuz  from  the  other  articles  ? Ef 
posterity  ever  reads  the  speeches  uv  His  Eggslency,  and  the 
messages  wich  we  hev  placed  there,  won’t  the  whisky  be 
inferred  ? Ef  it  ain’t,  posterity  is  a consumate  ass  ; ” and  thus 
musin,  I wended  my  way  thitherward,  determined  to  reskoo 
these  two  articles  from  oblivion  any  how. 

It  wuz  pitch  dark,  but  I knew  the  way.  Creepin  cautiously 
up  to  the  stun,  I reached  out ; and  horror  ! Ther  wuz  other 
hands  onto  it ! Strikin  a match  quickly,  there  stood  reveeled 
afore  me  the  forms  uv  Deekin  Pogram,  Bascom,  and  Elder 
Slathers,  to  whom  the  same  thot  hed  occurred  wich  moved  me. 
But  my  presence  uv  mind  did  not  forsake  me.  Strikin  another 
match,  I assoomed  a look  uv  virchus  indignashen,  wich  they  all 
saw  afore  it  went  out,  and  reproacht  em  fur  ther  worldly- 
mindednis.  How  cood  they  expect  the  Institoot  to  prosper 
when  those  into  whose  hands  its  interests  wuz  confided,  proves 
recreant  to  the  extent  uv  steeling  the  sacred  mementoes  wich 
were  to-day  enclosed.  Go  home,”  sed  I ; forgive  you  this 
time,  and  will  not  expose  yoo  ez  yoo  deserve.  I spected  yoo 
all,  from  the  way  yoo  eyed  the  bottle  and  the  greenback,  and 
hastened  hither  to  protect  em.  Go  ! ” 

And  they  went ; after  wich  I tipped  over  the  stun  and 
sekoored  the  prize. 

The  next  mornin  they  all  reproached  me  with  hevin  stolen 
the  articles,  in  privit,  wich  satisfied  me  that  all  uv  em  hed  gone 
back  for  the  plunder  after  they  thot  I’d  gone  ; but  they  didn’t 
make  no  fuss  about  it.  They  are  all  good  men  ; but  alas  ! sich 
is  the  depravity  uv  human  nacher  that  they’ll  bear  watchin. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 


378 


AN  INTERRUPTED  SERMON. 


CXXIX. 

MR.  NASBY  ESSAYS  A SERMON,  BUT  IS  INTER- 
RUPTED'  BY  A NIGGER. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  C 
Janooary  10,  1867.  ) 

I wuz  rekestecl  a week  ago  to  preech  a discourse  from  the 
text  wich  the  noble  and  high-minded  Guvner  Bramlette  used 
with  sich  crushin  force  in  his  last  annual  message,  to  wit : 
“ Kin  the  Leopard  change  his  spots,  or  the  Ethiopian  his  skin?  ” 
and  allnz  feelin  anxious  to  do  wat  I kin  for  the  cause,  I did  it 
last  nite,  or  rather  essayed  to  do  it. 

And  here  let  me  remark,  that  there  ain’t  a more  devoted 
people  in  Kentucky  than  them  lambs  ez  compose  my  flock.  It 
wuz  a tetchin  site,  and  one  wich  filled  my  sole  with  joy,  to  see 
em  pour  out  uv  the  groceries  at  the  first  tootin  uv  the  horn, 
and  to  see  Pennebacker,  wich  owns  the  Distillery,  stoppin 
work  to  come ; but  the  mbst  cheerin  and  encouragin  sign  to  me 
wuz  to  see  Deekin  Pogram,  who  wuz  playin  seven-up  for  the 
drinks  with  Elder  Slathers,  at  Bascom’s,  lay  down  his  hand 
when  he  lied  high  low  and  jack  in  it,  and  hed  only  three  to  go. 

Elder,”  sed  he,  his  voice  tremblin  at  the  sacrifice  he  wuz  a 
inakin,  and  a tear  steeliii  down  his  cheek,  ‘‘  Elder,  them’s  the 
horn.  Let  us  to  our  dooties.  ’Ligion  must  take  the  front  seat 
uv  temp’ral  matters,”  and,  sighin  ez  he  cast  a partin  glance  at 
' his  hand,  he  strode  out  resolootly  to  the  sanktooary. 

I opened  by  readin  the  follerin  from  Guvner  Bramlette’s 
message : — 

‘^^The  nigger  is  the  inferior  uv  the  white  — he  lacks  the 
power  to  rise.  Ontil  the  Leopard  kin  change  his  spots,  or  the 
Etliiopian  his  skin,  all  efforts  to  repeal  or  nullify  God’s  laws 
will  be  unavail  in.” 

My  bretherin,  tliese  words  is  words  uv  wisdom,  and  fur 
em  let  us  be  thankful.  The  skin  uv  the  Ethiopian  wuz  in- 


In  the  message  of  Governor  Bramlette,  of  Kentucky,  in  1867,  the  language 
given  in  the  text  was,  singular  as  it  may  now  seem,  actually  used. 


ETHNOLOGICAL. 


379 


flicted  onto  him  for  the  express  purpose  uv  distingishiii  him 
from  his  bretherin,  whose  servants  he  wuz  condemned  to  be, 
for  all  time,  ez  a punishment  for  the  sin  uv  Cain  or  the  im- 
proodence  uv  Ham,  wich,  Democratic  divines  heven’t  settled 
on.  With  the  black  skin  he  wuz  given  all  the  other  marks  uv 
inferiority.  He  wuz  cust  with  long  arms,  immense  hands,  flat 
nose,  and  bowed  legs,  and  that  ther  mite  be  no  mistake  in  the 
matter,  he  wuz  given  wool  instead  uv  hair.  Halleloogy  ! Wat 
a blessid  thing  for  us  is  this  Ethiopian ! Wat  a consolation  it 
must  be  to  yoo  all  to  know  that  ther  is  a race  below  yoo,  and 
how  blessid  the  refleckshun  that  they  can’t  change  ther  skin, 
and  by  that  means  git  above  yoo ! That’s  the  comfort  we 
draw  from  the  skripters.  Wat  a horror  it  wood  be  for  Deekin 
Pogram,  snorin  so  peacefly,  ef  when  the  Soopreme  Court  decides 
the  Ablishn  amendment  unconstooshnl,  and  he  gits  his  niggers 
back  agin ; ef  ther  shood  be  a new  dispensashun,  and  niggers 
shood  be  permitted  to  change  ther  skins  ! Wat  sekoority  wood 
we  hev  for  our  property  ? Some  mornin  he’d  wake  up  and 
find  em  all  white  persons,  wich  it  wood  be  unconstooshnel  to 
wollop. 

My  brethern,  ther  has  bin  many  efforts  to  change  the  skin 
uv  the  Ethiopian,  or  rather  ther  hez  bin  many  who  wanted  to. 
The  Boston  Ablishnists  hev  tried  it,  but  wat  hez  bin  the 
result?  Ain’t  they  niggers  yit,  and  ain’t  they  still  the  de- 
graded wretches  they  alluz  wuz  ? I paws  for  a reply.” 

I made  this  latter  remark  becoz  it  sounded  well,  not  that  I 
hed  any  idee  that  anybody  wood  reply.  Imagine  my  surprise 
at  seein  a gray-headed  nigger,  wich  hed  bin,  doorin  and  after 
the  fratrisidle  struggle,  employed  in  the  Freedman’s  Burow, 
rise,  and  remark  that  he  hed  a word  to  say  onto  that  pint. 
There  wuz  a storm  uv  indignashun,  and  the  impudent  nigger, 
who  wuz  so  sassy  ez  to  presoom  to  speak  in  a white  meetin, 
wood  hev  bin  sacrificed  on  the  spot,  hed  not  Joe  Bigler,  who 
wuz  half  drunk,  drawd  a ugly-lookin  navy  revolver,  and  re- 
markin  that  he  knowd  that  nigger,  that  he  hed  more  sense 
than  the  hull  bilin  uv  us,  and  he  shood  hev  his  say. 

Ef,”  sed  this  recklis  Joe,  ef  he  beats  yoo,  Perfesser, 
trooth  is  trooth ; let’s  hev  it.  Ef  he  don’t,  why,  it’s  all  the 
better  for  yoo.  Ef  yoor  Websterian  intelleck  kivers  the 


380  OUT  OP  THE  MOUTHS  OF  BABES  AND  SUCKLINGS. 

ground,  all  rite ; ef  his  ponderous  intellek  gets  the  best  on’t, 
jist  ez  rite.  ‘ Out  uv  the  mouths  uv  babes  and  sucklins.’ 
Elder,  I go  my  bottom  dollar  on  this  sucklin.  Speak  up, 
venerable  : there  won’t  none  uv  em  tech  yoo  ; ’’  and  he  cockt 
his  revolver. 

Eeggin  pardon,”  sed  the  nigger,  I agree  with  yoo,  Per- 
fesser,  that  the  Ethiopian  can’t  change  his  skin  hisself,  but  does 
the  Scripter  say  that  it  can’t  be  changed  for  him  ? ” 

Anser-  the  venrable  babe,”  sed  Joe  Bigler,  pintin  his  revol- 
ver at  me. 

I can’t  say  that  it  does,”  sez  I.- 

Very  good, retorted  the  nigger,  hezn’t  there  a change 
bin  a goiii  on  in  Kaintuck  from  the  beginnin  ? My  mother  wuz 
ez  black  ez  a crow  — I’m  considble  lighter  — my  wife’s  a half 
lighter  than  I am  — my  gal’s  children  is  a half  lighter  than 
their  mother,  and  I want  to  know  wat  Guvner  Bramlette’s  got 
to  say  to  that.  The  white  man  ain’t  got  no  cuss  onto  him, 
hez  he  ? ” 

Speek  up,  Perfesser  ■ — the  sucklin  wants  yoo  to  be  prompt,” 
sed  Joe  Bigler. 

I answered  that  lie  hed  not  — that  it  wuz  piled  onto  Ham 
or  Cain  and  ther  desendants,  and  nobody  else.” 

Very  well,  then,”  sed  the  nigger,  ez  I am  only  half  Ham 
or  Cain,  then  uv  course  there’s  only  half  a cuss  onto  me,  only 
a quarter  onto  my  wife,  only  an  eighth  onto  my  daughters, 
only  a sixteenth  onto  my  daughters’  children,  and  there’s  lots 
uv  niggers  in  this  yer  visinity  wat  hezn’t  got  the  thirty-second 
or  the  sixty-fourth  part  uv  it  hangin  to  em.  Guvner  Bram- 
lette  also  sed  sQthin  bout  niggers  bein  degraded  coz  twuz 
their  nacher,  didn’t  he,  and  that  edducashen  woodent  do 
for  em  ? ” 

Perfesser,”  sed  the  tormentin  Bigler,  wich  hed  just  whisky 
enuff  into  him  to  be  ugly,  1 must  remind  you  that  the  par- 
tikeler  babe  and  sucklin,  out  uv  whose  mouth  yoor  bein 
immensely  condemned,  expex  prompt  ansers.” 

I ansered  that  sich  wuz  the  tenor  uv  the  Guvner’s  remarks. 

Ef  that’s  troo,  why  don’t  the  mulattoes  come  up  faster? 
Ef  it’s  the  nateral  stoopidi ty  uv  the  nigger,  the  white  man 
ain’t  affected  by  it,  and  the  mulatto  only  half.  I am  ’quainted 


AN  IMMENSE  CONDEMNATION. 


381 


with  the  heft  uv  the  people  afore  me,  and  I’ll  bet  my  last 
year’s  wages,  wich  Deekin  Pogram  ain’t  paid  yit,  that  half  uv 
em  can’t  read  any  mor’n  1 kin.  ’Pears  to  me  I’d  like  to  hev 
Guvner  Bramlette  take  the  load  off  us  for  a year  or  two  and 
see  whether  we’d  rise  or  not.  We  moutn’t  and  then  agin  we 
mout.  But  I ruther  think  its  a leetle  too  much  to  put  a mill- 
stone on  top  uv  a man  and  then  kick  him  for  not  gettin  up.” 

“ Bully  ! ” sed  Joe  Bigler.  Go  on  ! go  on  ! ” 

It  ain’t  square  playin  to  make  laws  agin  our  risin,  to  flog 
ns  for  hevin  spellin-books,  to  make  it  a penitentiary  offence  to 
learn  to  read,  and  to  burn  our  skool-houses,  and  then  because 
we  ain’t  just  ready  to  enter  college,  to  insist  on’t  that  we  are 
naterally  incapable.  And  above  all,  ain’t  it  presoomin  a little 
to  charge  it  onto  the  Lord  ? Ain’t  yoo  mistakin  yoor  own 
work  for  hizzen  ? ’Praps  ef  Guvner  Bramlette’s  father  hed 
bin  flogg’d  for  wantin  to  learn  to  read,  and  Guvner  Bramlette’s 
mother  hed  bin  brought  up  ez  a feeld  hand,  and  the  same 
strategy  hed  bin  practised  on  Guvner  Bramlette’s  grandfather, 
and  great  grandfather,  and  great,  great  grandfather,  and  great, 
great,  ^reat  grandfather,  and  his  great  — ” 

Hold  on,  venerable,”  sed  Joe  Bilger,  ^Mon’t  enumerate. 
Jest  say  his  ancestors,  back  to  the  identicle  time  they  wuz 
slaves  to  them  Normans,  wich  held  his  projenitors  jist  ez 
closely  ez  yoo’ve  bin  held,  and  it’ll  be  suflishent.” 

I plead  guilty  to  the  big  hands,  flat  nose,  and  bowd  legs. 
Possibly  the  first  nigger  hed  em  — possibly  not.  Ef  Guvner 
Bramlette’s  ancestors  hed  bin  kept  at  the  hoe,  his  hands  wood 
hev  bin  ez  big  ez  mine  ; ef  they’d  borne  burdens  forever  his 
legs  wood  be  bowed,  and  ef  ther  noses  hed  bin  perpetooally 
smasht  hizzen  wood  be  flatter  than  it  is.” 

Hev  yoo  eny  more  questions  to  put  to  the  Perfesser  ? ” 
sed  Joseph. 

No,”  replied  the  Ethiopian,  I hev  sed  my  say.” 

Then,”  sed  this  Bigler,  I dismiss  this  congregashun,  with 
this  remark,  that  that  nigger  is  under  my  protectin  care,  and 
ef  a single  lock  uv  his  wool  is  disturbed,  I shel  feel  it  a solium 
but  painful  dooty  devolvin  upon  me,  to  put  a ball  into  the  car- 
cass uv  each  uv  the  offishls  uv  this  Church,  commencin  with 
the  Paster,  and  continuin  all  the  way  down  to  the  scribe. 
Git  !” 


382 


PEACE  AT  THE  CORNERS. 


And  pell-mell  the  congregashen  piled  out  — one  over 
another. 

It  will  be  necessary  to  dispose  of  Joe  Bigler  somehow.  He 
lost  wat  property  he  hed  in  the  war,  and  is  becoming  exceed- 
inly  loose  in  his  talk.  He  can’t  be  tolerated  long. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 


cxxx. 

MR.  NASBY  DOES  THE  x ROADS  A SERVICE. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  J 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 
Janooary  20,  1867.  ) 

There  is  peace  in  the  Corners ! It  reigns  here,  it  does, 
with  a sweetnis  onparalleled  since  the  Nashun  launched  out 
onto  the  sea  uv  trubles,  which  very  near  engulfed  her.  It 
come  about  thro  me.  Biznis  in  the  Post  Orfis  don’t  engross  all 
my  time.  It  don’t  take  me  very  long  to  distribbit  the  paper 
which  Deekin  Pogram  takes,  nor  the  cirklers  uv  the  gift  enter- 
prises which  come  here  ; neither  does  it  consoom  much  uv  my 
valyooble  time  directin  the  letters  enclosin  dollars  back  to  ern, 
besides  which  a good  many  uv  em  are  insufficiently  sealed, 
and  the  money  drops  out ; and  bein  conscientious  to  a fault,  ez 
I can’t  get  em  back  into  the  right  letters,  why  uv  course  I 
don’t  send  sich  at  all.  The  only  trouble  I hev  is  in  explainin 
why  letters  containin  such  remittancis  don’t  reach  their  des- 
tinashen,  but  that  has  its  rewards.  I invariably  tell  em  that 
the  managers  uv  the  enterprises  are  ablishn  Yankees,  and,  uv 
course  they’d  be  swindld,  which  alluz  intensifies  their  rage. 

Ez  I wuz  sayin,  I hev  plenty  uv  time,  and  I put  it  in  mostly 
studyin  the  caracteristiks  uv  human  nacher,  ez  developed  in 

The  Republican.s  of  the  Northern  States  were  very  slow  to  crown  the  work 
of  Emancipation  hy  making  citizenship  universal.  In  Ohio,  radical  as  it  was, 
the  proposition  to  amend  the  Constitution  so  as  to  give  the  colored  man  the 
ballot,  was  voted  down  by  an  enormous  majority. 


THE  USES  OF  NORTHERNERS.  383 

men  and  niggers.  While  contemplatin  a parsel  uv  niggers 
one  day,  I hollered  em,  and  overheard  their  conversashen.  I 
wuz  astonished  ! They  wuz  notifyin  one  another  nv  a meetin 
to  be  held  that  nite  in  Pennibacker’s  barn,  to  which  all  wuz 
expected  to  be  present.  Here,  thot  I to  myself,  is  Guy 
Fawkes  I Here  is  conspiracy  ! Meetin  ! Wat  rite  hev  nig- 
gers to  meet  ? And  I hastened  to  Deekin  Pogram,  and  told 
him  wat  I had  heerd. 

“ Nasby,’’  sed  he,  wringin  my  hand,  ef  I ever  doubted  the 
eternal  fitnis  uv  things  — the  complete  and  entire  adaptability 
uv  one  class  to  another — that  doubt  is  removed.  Here  am  I, 
a nigger  owner  — here  are  yoo,  a Northern  Dimocrat  — a 
bloomin  eggsotic,  ez  I may  say,  wich  hez  took  root  in  Southrn 
sile.  I never  wood  hev  overherd  them  niggers  ! — no  South- 
ner  wood  hev  thot  uv  sneakin  after  em  — for  all  sich  work  the 
Northern  Dimocrat  is  precisely  fitted.  It’s  wat  they’ve  alluz 
done  for  us  ! 

And  he  wrung  my  hand  agin,  and  thanked  me.  I wuz  too 
much  overcome  with  emoshen  at  the  compliment  he  paid  me  to 
reply.  But  we  arranged  the  programme.  We  w^ent  to  the 
barn,  and  overturned  a wagon  so  ez  we  cood  git  under  it  and 
heer  all  that  wuz  sed  without  bein  seen,  and  jest  at  nitefall  the 
Deekin  and  me  ensconsd  ourselves  in  our  hidin  place. 

The  niggers  gathered,  praps  thirty  on  em,  and  opened  the 
meetin  with  prayer,  in  which  exercise  they  hed  the  profanity  to 
pray  for  the  Government  uv  the  Yoonited  States  and  sich,  and 
then  the  biznis  commenst.  It  appears  that  they’d  sent  a man 
North  to  find  a locashen  for  em,  ez  they  hed  made  up  their 
minds  to  run  away  from  the  blessins  uv  slavery  wich  we  are 
preparin  to  re-open  to  em,  and  this  nigger  hed  arrived,  and 
they  wuz  assembled  to  hear  his  report. 

Brother  Lee,”  sed  the  ringleader  to  the  returned  nigger, 
wich  I knowd  — he  wuz  nearly  white,  and  wuz  raised  in 
Virginia,  and  hed  bin-  four  years  in  the  army,  on  the  Fedral 
side  uv  course,  — “ are  yoo  ready  to  report  ? Hev  yoo  found 
the  Promised  Land  ? ” 

Brother  Lee  replied,  that  ef  he  understood  wat  wuz  the 
Ethiopian  idee  uv  the  Promised  Land,”  he  cood  safely  and 


384 


BROTHER  lee’s  .EXPERIENCE. 


certainly  say  that  he  hedn’t.  He  landed  first  in  Philadelphy, 
and  bein  snmwat  wearied  by  the  long  ride,  he  took  a seat  in  a 
street-car  which  wuz  empty.  The  condukter  ordered  him  out, 
but  sposin  he  wuz  in  a State  where  there  wuz  ekal  rites  he 
insisted  on  stayin,  when  the  condukter  and  the  driver  bundled 
him  out  by  force.  His  coat,  he  observed,  showin  wher  the 
bloo  blouse  hed  bin  onskilfully  mendid,  wuz  sumwat  fraktered 
in  the  skuffle. 

At  this  narrashen  the  niggers  groaned,  and  it  wuz  all  I cood 
do  to  keep  the  Deekin  from  hollerin  halleloogy  ! 

In  Noo  York  State  he  didn’t  fare  so  well.  He  diskivered  that 
a decent  nigger  there  isn’t  quite  ez  good  ez  a very  ordinary 
white  man.  He  happened  ther  on  ’leckshin  day,  and  narrated 
that  he  saw  white  men  carried  up  to  the  poles  so  eggstreme- 
ly  drunk  that  them  ez  hed  em  in  charge  hed  to  put  the  ticket 
atween  their  fingers  and  anser  to  their  names,  while  a ’specta- 
ble  nigger  hed  to  show  that  he  wuz  worth  some  property  afore 
he  wuz  allowed  to  vote,  and  then  a number  uv  gentlemen  with 
red  faces  and  clubs  made  it  so  onpleasant  that  but  few 
attempted  it. 

The  Deekin  punched  me  in  the  ribs  vociferously. 

Next  he  went  to  Ohio,  sposin,  uv  course,  that  a State  so 
extremely  opposed  to  bondage  wood  be  the  place  he  wuz  in 
search  uv.  Agin  he  wuz  disappointed.  ^ It  wuz  worse  than  it 
wuz  in  Noo  York,  for  the  Ablishnists  wuz  a goin  on  the  princi- 
ple, he  rather  guessed,  uv  doin  justis  without  runnin  agin 
anybody’s  prejudises ; or  rather,  uv  lettin  justice  do  herself, 
for  they  don’t  make  any  move  towards  helpin  her.  There  the 
nigger  uv  no  grade,  no  matter  how  much  taxes  he  pade,  or 
how  long  he  served  in  the  army,  wuzn’t  allowed  a vote.  The 
Ablisliinists,  ez  he  understood,  carried  the  State  on  the  nigger 
question,  but  wuz  now  afrade  to  tetch  it  for  fear  they’d  lose  it 
agin.  They’ve  hed  it,  he  remarked,  twelve  years,  but  hedn’t, 
ez  yit,  got  all  the  people  edjicated  up  to  the  pint  uv  doin  wat 
all  the  people  knowd  wuz  rite. 

His  experience  in  the  West  wuz  very  similar.  The  Ablish- 
nists wuz  everywhere  very  strongly  in  the  majority,  and  every 
wun  uv  ’em  he  talked  with  wuz  in  favor  of  givin  the  nigger 


BROTHER  lee’s  CONCLUSION. 


385 


his  rites,  but  they  wuz  all  afraid  ef  they  took  hold  uv  it,  they^d 
be  laid  out  by  the  Democracy,  which  wuzn’t  in  the  majority  at 
all.  In  Washinton,  wher  Congress  hez  give  the  niggers  a vote, 
he  wuz  well  treated,  and  it  wuz  the  only  place.  A gentleman 
who  wants  to  ran  for  Mayor  next  spring  giv  him  his  dinner, 
and  quite  a number  of  others  who  wanted  small  offises  did  like- 
wise, but  he  woodent  advise  emigrashen  there,  for  it’s  possible 
that  before  the  next  elecshun  Congress  may  conclude  that 
suffrage  in  the  Deestrick  will  run  ’em  into  the  ground  in  the 
States  (their  constituents,  which  are  all  Ablishnists,  not  bein 
edjncated  up  to  the  pint),  and  repeel  it. 

The  Deekin  nudged  me  agin. 

Wat  shel  we  do?  ” then  sed  the  niggers,  all  in  korious. 

* Do  ! ”sed  the  nigger,  wich  his  name  it  wuz  Lee,  ‘‘  do  ! grin 
and  bear  it  wher  yoo  are.  Ez  fo’  me,  ef  I hed  my  five  yeahs 
back  agin  I shood  do  diffrent.  Liberty  is  a gift  boss,  wich,  ef 
dis  niggah  hed  it  to  do  ober  agin,  he  wood  look  in  de  mouth, 
shoali.  I shood  want  to  know  whedder,  I bein  a beggar,  ef  I 
mounted  it  I shoodent  ride  to  de  devil.  When  I turned  agin 
Massa,  and  went  into  de  servis,  I wuz  promised  ef  I behabed 
like  a man  I shood  be  counted  a man.  I behabed  like  a man, 
but  wat  now  ? Dar’s  de  cibbel  rites  bill,  which  reads  good,  but 
wha’s  de  sogers  to  put  it  froo  ? Dar’s  all  sorts  ob  laws,  but 
wha’s  de  yoose  ob  em  so  long  ez  noboddy  pays  any  tenshun  to 
em  ? I go  Norf,  wha  de  Ablishnists  heb  eberyting  dah  own 
way,  and  I find  de  niggah  is  ez  bad  off  dah  ez  he  is  heah,  coz 
de  Ablishnis,  which  is  de  champions  uv  ekal  rites,  ain’t  eddi- 
cated  up  to  de  pint  uvbustin  unekal  laws.  We  can’t  stay  heah 
and  git  our  rites  — we  can’t  go  dah,  coz  ebry  wun  ob  em  will 
tell  yoo  his  nabor  ain’t  eddicated  up  to  de  pint  ob  doin  any- 
thing but  holdin  de  offises,  and  passin  resolooshens  dat  dey 
bleeve  in  de  principles  ob  de  Declarashen  ob  Independence,, 
wich  principles  reed  bery  well,  but  wat  good  is  dey  to  me  ef 
dey  ain’t  acted  up  to  ? Fo’  fo’pence  I’d  go  hang  myself.” 

They  had  other  talk,,  and  finally  broke  up,  endin  with  a 
prayer,  the  burden  uv  which  wuz  that  the  Lord  wood  find 
some  way  to  eddicate  their  friends  North  up  to  the  pint. 

Ez  soon  ez  they  wuz  gone,  the  Deekin  and  I crawled  out 

25 


386 


DEACON  POGRAM’S  JOT. 


from  under  the  wagon,  and  I must  say  the  old  gentleman  sur- 
prised me.  Dashin  his  hat  on  the  ground,  he  execooted  one 
uv  the  most  frantic  Highland  flings  my  eyes  ever  witnist.  It 
astonished  me  to  see  how  recklis  the  old  man  wuz  with  his 
legs.  Finally,  out  uv  breath,  he  subsided  with  a prolonged 
shreek  uv  exultant  joy. 

Why  so  jubilant,  my  venerable  friend  ? ’’  sed  I. 

Nasby,’’  sed  he,  iFs  better  than  I hoped  for.  The  Ablish- 
nists  bar  em  out  — they  ain’t  eddikated  up  to  the  pint,  and 
they  drive  em  away.  They  make  distinkshuns,  and  when  the 
nigger’s  distinkted  aginst  in  part,  he’s  precisely  the  material 
uv  which  to  make  a servant  unto  his  brethren.  Ef  the  nigger 
can’t  git  all  his  rites  in  the  North,  he’d  better  be  without  any 
uv  em  in  the  South.  Up  ther  he  hez  all  the  cussitood  uv  beiii 
a free  man,  without  any  uv  the  indoosements  ; down  here,  ef 
he  ain’t  got  any  uv  the  blessins  uv  freedom  he  ain’t  any  uv  the 
responsibilities.  The  nigger,  uv  course,  will  stay  — he’d  be  a 
cussed  fool  ef  he  didn’t.  Bless  the  Lord  for  the  Ablishnists 
wat  ain’t  eddikated  up  to  the  pint ! ” 

And  the  blessed  old  lunatic  execooted  another  Highland 
fling  onto  his  hat.  Sharin  his  enthoosiasm,  ez  I alluz  do  every- 
boddy’s  I meet,  that  I may  share  whatever  else  they  hev,  we 
went  to  Bascom’s,  wher,  before  we  separated,  we  wuz  eddikated 
up  to  a pint,  and  considerable  more.  Bascom  carried  the  Dee- 
kin  home  on  a wheelbarrer,  at  a little  past  one. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 


THE  CASE  STATED. 


387 


CXXXI. 

AN  IMPORTANT  CASE  AT  THE  CORNERS  UNDER 
THE  VAGRANT  ACT.— THE  DECISIONS  OF  ’SQUIRE 
GAVITT. 

" Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads, 

(w'ich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
Janooary  28,  1867. 

WuN  UV  the  most  important  cases  — important  in  a national 
sense  — ever  tried  afore  a court  uv  justis,  came  off  afore 
Squire  Gavitt  yesterda}^  It  was  important,  becoz  it  involved 
the  very  existence  uv  the  institution  upon  which  Kentucky 
is  built  — becoz,  upon  its  decision  hung  the  question  whether 
or  not  the  Bible  shood  be  respectid  and  its  holy  injunctions 
obeyed  — whether  Kentucky  shood,  clingin  to  the  Skripters, 
go  on  ez  a Christian  State,  or  denyin  it,  go  back  into  infidelity 
and  barbarism.  I scasely  need  say  that  the  porshens  uv  the 
Bible  to  wich  I refer,  is  the  ever  blessid  chapters  relatin  to 
Ham,  Hager,  and  Onesimus  — the  only  parts  of  the  Skripter 
we  pay  much  attention  to.  But  ef  them  is  attacked  success- 
fully, wat  follows  ? The  entire  strnkter  comes  tumblin  to  the 
ground.  Therefore,  holdin  to  Afrikin  slavery,  we  are  orthodox 
believers. 

The  circumstances  uv  the  case  wuz  suthin  like  this : A nig- 
ger uv  the  name  uv  Gabriel,  wunst  the  happy  and  contented 
servant  uv  that  eminent  Christian,  Deekin  Pogram,  becum 
possessed  uv  the  spirit  uv  the  devil,  and  sullen,  becoz  the 
Deekin  sold  his  wife  to  raise  the  means  to  send  his  second  son, 
Isaker,  wich  wuz  a studyin  for  the  ministry,  to  a Theolojikle 
Institoot,  somewhere s in  Georgia.  He  run  away  in  the  fust 
year  uv  the  war,  and  follered  the  Federal  army,  finally  enlisting 
as  a sojer.  During  the  progress  uv  the  struggle,  he  learned 
to  read,  and  bein  powerful  in  prayer  and  sich,  he  headed  a 
revival,  and  hevin  gifts  that  way,  attracted  the  notis  uv.Genril 
Howard,  who  hed  him  instructed,  and  finally  made  him  an 


The  people  of  Kentucky  refused,  for  a long  time,  to  recognize  the  acts 
of  Congress  establishing  the  status  of  the  negro.  The  courts  disregarded 
the  provisions  of  the  Civil  Rights  bill  as  recklessly  as  did  ’Squire  Gavitt. 


388 


THE  TRIAL. 


agent  uv  a branch  nv  tliat  accursid  Freedmen’s  Burow.  After 
the  war,  he  appeared  in  this  vicinity,  salaried  by  the  society, 
and  commenst  unfittin  the  niggers  for  their  normal  condishun 
byteechin  on  em  to  read,  and  establishin  Sunday  skools  among 
em,  wich  wuz  aginst  the  dignity  and  peace  uv  the  common- 
wealth. The  citizens  stood  it  with  pashense  ontil  last  Monday-. 
The  Deekin  hed  a dispoot  with  a nigger  relativ  to  a triflin 
matter  nv  wages.  The  nigger  hed  bin  workin  at  the  stipulated 
price  uv  |4  per  month- — the  Deekin  brought  in,  ez  a offset, 
his  board  at  $2  per  week  ; and  ruther  than  hev  any  fuss  about 
it  proposed  to  let  him  work  the  balance  out  durin  the  winter 
months.  To  this  ekitable  arrangement  the  nigger  demurred, 
holdin  that  board  wuz  inclooded,  and  this  Gabrel  advised  the 
nigger  to  sue,  and  he  did  so. 

Enraged  at  his  interference,  the  Deekin  went  before  Squire 
Gavitt,  and  complained  of  Gabrel  ez  a vagrant,  and  employed 
me  to  attend  to  the  case.  Pollock,  the  Illinoy  storekeeper, 
volunteered  to  defend  the  nigger,  and  there  wuz  a tremenjus 
excitement  over  it. 

I opened  the  case  by  statin  that  the  nigger’s  biznis  wuz  to 
prove  that  he  hed  vizable  means  uv  support : Pollock  insisted 
that  it  wuz  our  biznis  to  prove  that  he  hedn’t,  but  the  court 
decided  agin  him. 

The  nigger  then  swore  that  he  reseeved  from  his  congrega- 
shen  $30  per  month  for  services.  I submitted  that,  ez  he  wuz 
a interested  party,  other  proof  wood  be  required.  Pollock 
interdoost  the  elders  of  the  congregashen,  but  1 checkmated 
him  there,  by  submittin  that  the  testimony  uv  niggers  wuzn’t 
admissable,  wich  the  court  decided  it  wuzn’t. 

Immejitly  Pollock  submitted  that  whether  or  no  his  client 
coodent  be  considered  a vagrant,  ez  he  cood  testify  himself  to 
the  fact  that  he  (Gabrel)  hed  in  his  house  $200  in  greenbax  — 
a suffishent  support  for  a time,  at  least. 

Ther  wuz  a immense  eggscitement  in  the  court. 

“ Wher  duz  he  keep  it?  ” asked  the  Squire,  visibly  agitated. 

In  a chest  at  his  house,”  sed  Pollock. 

This  court  stands  adjourned  for  thirty  minits,”  sed  the 
Squire,  boundin  over  the  railin  in  front  uv  him.  Hold  on,” 
sez  he ; “ hold  on,  Deekin  ; a fair  start  is  all  I want.  Don’t 


HOW  THE  NEGRO  WAS  MADE  A VAGRANT. 


389 


take  advantage  nv  my  age  to  get  ther  first/’  and  pell-mell  over 
one  another  the  entire  audience,  ceptin  Pollock,  the  nigger, 
and  me,  started  on  a keen  run  for  the  house.  In  a few  minits 
they  returned,  pantiii  and  out  uv  breath,  when  the  Squire 
called  the  court  to  order  again,  wich  bein  restored,  he  re- 
marked, ef  it  cood  be  established  that  the  nigger  hed  $200  in 
greenbax  it  wood  nessessarily  discharge  him,  ez  no  man  with 
that  sum  cood  be  considered  a vagrant ; but  he  thot  ef  the 
prizner  at  the  bar  shood  look  in  the  direckshun  uv  his  house, 
he’d  find  it  wuzn’t  ther  any  more,  ez  a house,  the  materyal  uv 
wich  it  wuz  built  wuz  lyin  permiskus.  Likewise,  probably,  he 
wooden’t  be  able  to  find  the  $200  he  hed  in  his  chest.  The 
place  that  knowd  it  wunst  will  know  it  no  more  forever  — it 
hed  been  confiscated  by  the  enraged  citizens.  He  wanted  it 
understood  that  no  such  triflin  impediment  in  the  way  uv  justis 
ez  the  possession  uv  $200  cood  be  allowed  within  the  jurisdick- 
shen  uv  this  court.  The  nigger  not  bein  able  to  prove  his 
means  uv  support,  and  ez  the  court  knowd  uv  its  own  knollege 
that  he  ain’t  now  got  any  $200,  tlie  court  wood  ask  the  crim- 
inal’s counsel  wat  other  nonsense  he  hez  to  plead. 

Sed  Pollock,  the  Illinoy  storekeeper, — 

I wood  beg  leave  to  state  to  this  court  that,  under  the 
Civil  Pites  law,  the  defendant  cannot  be  arrested  ez  a vagrant, 
ez  the  law  under  wich  the  accused  is  arrested  only  menshuns 
persons  uv  color,  makin  a distinkshen  agin  em.” 

Never,  while  memry  retains  her  seat,  shel  I forget  the  scene 
that  ensood.  Filled  with  a sense  uv  the  responsibility  restin 
onto  him,  the  Squire  rose  slowly  from  his  seat,  his  face  uv  a 
deathly  palenis,  wich  hed  the  effeck  uv  hightnin,  by  contrast, 
the  intense  rednis  uv  his  nose,  and  risin  to  his  full  hite,  re- 
marked that  the  court  hed  expectid  that  pbjeckshen  to  be 
urged,  and  hed,  therefore,  prepared  fur  it.  That  law  doesn’t 
bind  this  court  to  any  alarmin  extent,  considerin  it  ez  infringin 
onto  the  reserved  rites  uv  the  States. 

Will  the  court  be  so  good  ez  to  menshun,  for  the  informa- 
shun  uv  the  populace,  wat  the  reserved  rites  uv  the  States 
are  ? ” sez  Pollock. 

The  court  insists  that  it  shel  not  be  interruptid  when  it’s 
deliverin  itself  uv  an  opinion.  Considerin  it  ez  infringin  upon 


390 


THE  DECISION. 


the  reserved  rites  uv  the  States,  uv  whom  Kentucky  is  the 
cheefest  and  the  loveliest  among  ten  thousand  — - at  this  pint 
his  nose  glowd  redder,  and  it  seemed  to  me  ez  tho  a halo  uv 
lite  encirkled  his  frosty  head,  ez  he  fearlessly  continued  — 
the  court  holds  that  law  to  be  unconstooshnel,  and  ez 
sich,  shel  not  regard  it.  Hez  the  counsel  anything  more 
to  remark  ? ’’ 

“ Nothin,’’  sed  Pollock.  ‘‘  And  knowin  the  court  so  well  ez 
I do,  I wonder  at  my  makin  sich  an  ass  uv  myself  ez  to  hev 
remarkt  anything  at  all.” 

Hez  the  counsel  for  the  State  anything  to  say  ? ” 

Nothin,”  sed  I.  ‘‘  I am  willin  to  trust  the  case  in  yoor 
hands,  feelin  confident  that  justis  — genooine  Kentucky  justis 
— will  be  done.” 

Whereupon  the  Squire  hed  the  prizner  stand  up,  and  drawin 
on  a black  cap,  in  a very  impressive  manner,  sentenst  him  to 
eighteen  months  hard  labor,  breakin  stone  on  the  turnpike,  at 
the  conklushen  uv  wich  Pollock  very  profanely  added,  “ And 
may  the  Lord  hev  mercy  on  your  sole.” 

The  nigger  wuz  immejitly  stript  uv  his  good  close,  wich  the 
Squire  thot  wood  just  fit  him,  and  a soot  uv  vagrant’s  close  wuz 
given  him,  and  he  wuz  to-wunst  put  to  his  labor. 

We  hev  hopes  that  this  will  end  the  nigger  skools  in  this 
vicinity,  ez  well  ez  the  diskontent  that  hez  eggisted  among  the 
niggers  ever  since  the  disturbin  Gabrel  hez  bin  here.  The 
Corners  is  now  enjoyin  a holy  calm — more  so  than  any  period 
for  a month. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 


' « / 


Nasby  in  the  Cabinet.  Page  391. 


THE  McCRACKEN  MISSION. 


391 


CXXXII. 

MR.  NASBY  IS  DESPATCHED  BY  THE  PRESIDENT 
UPON  A MISSION,  SIMILAR  TO  THAT  OF  MR. 

McCRACKEN. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
Febrooary  II,  I8G7. 

It  wuz  a crooel  necessity,  after  all,  wich  druv  me  into  the 
servis  uv  His  Eggslency  A.  Johnson.  Crooel,  I say  ; for  when- 
ever he  hez  a partikelerly  mean  piece  uv  work  to  perform, 
suthin  so  inexpressibly  sneakin  that  Seward  nor  Randall  won’t 
undertake  it,  they  alluz  send  for  me.  Welles  is  alluz  willin ; 
but  while  he  hez  the  disposishen  to  do  anything  in  the  line,  he 
lax  the  ability.  The  uthers,  however,  hev  the  ability  to  do  any- 
thin and  the  disposishen  to  do  most  things,  and  therefore  I hev 
bin  employed  in  only  eggstreme  cases. 

The  success  Avich  attended  McCracken’s  mishun,  endin  ez  it 
did  in  the  resinin  uv  Motly,  stimulated  Seward  to  prossekute 
similar  researches  into  the  actooal  opinions  uv  the  home  crop 
uv  offisers  regardin  him,  and  his  sooperior,  A.  Johnson.  Ran- 
dall Avuz  applied  to  to  take  a tour  among  Post  Masters  and  sich. 
He  declined  the  mishen  indignantly,  Avith  the  remark,  Is  thy 
servant  a dog,  or  the  son  uv  a dog,  that  he  shood  do  this 

thing?”  'And  ez  Welles  isn’t  trusted  out  uv  Washinton  any 

more,  I avuz  sent  for. 

The  biznis  required  uv  me  wuz  statid  by  ScAvard  in  his 
usual  loocid  style.  It  avuz  merely  to  cirkelate  incognito  (AAuch 
is  Latin  for  sneakin)  among  the  recently  appinted  offis-holders, 
and  assertain  ther  vicAvs  upon  general  politikle  topics,  but  more 
espeshally  ther  feelins  toAvard  the  President  and  Sekretary  uv 
State.  Jest  ez  I avuz  startin,  not  at  all  pleased  Avith  the 

mishen,  Welles  put  in  his  oar.  He  wuz  agoin  to  give  me  in- 

strucshuns  ez  to  wat  I wuz  to  do.  Welles  is  a lunatik  I never 


In  1867  an  emmisary  of  President  Johnson  prowled  through  Europe  for  the 
purpose  of  ascertaining  the  feeling  of  our  representatives  at  the  various  courts 
respecting  the  President’s  policy.  It  was  this  McCracken,  it  will  he  remem- 
hered,  who  brought  about  the  resignation  of  Mr.  Motley. 


392 


AN  ANECDOTE. 


cood  abide,  and  I felt  it  my  dooty  to  wither  him.  Transfixin 
the  venerable  Sekretary  with  wun  uv  my  most  piercenist  gazes, 
I remarked,  — Sir  ! in  imitashen  uv  the  man  who  inflicted  yoo 
upon  this  country,  wich  wuz  not  the  least  uv  his  acts  for  wdch 
the  country  cusses  him,  I propose  relatin  a little  anecdote. 
Ther  wuz  wunst  a man  who  wuz  inebriatid  ; and  that  he  mis'ht 
present  hisself  in  a state  approximatin  sobriety  to  the  pardner 
uv  his  buzzum,  he  wuz  essay  in  to  vomit,  try  in  thus  to  ease  his 
stumick  uv  the  cause  uv  the  onpleasantnis  therein  ; but  he 
coodent  do  it.  He  heaved  and  heaved,  but  there  wuz  no 
result.  At  this  critikle  period  another  man  approacht,  who 
remarked,  kindly,  that  ef  he  desired  to  vomit,  his  best  holt 
wood  be  to  run  his  finger  down  his  throat.  The  drunk  in- 
dividooal  looked  up  indignant  at  this  unwarranted  interfer- 
ence with  his  constooshnel  rites.  ‘ Blast  yoor  eyes,  sir,’  sed 
he,  ^ are  yoo  or  me  bossin  this  yer  puke  ? ’ 

This,  Sekretary  Welles,  is  the  anecdote.  I respeck  the 
posishun  yoo  hold,  and  dislike  sayin  anythin  disagreeable  ; but, 
sir,  this  is  a puke,  and  I propose  to  boss  it  myself.” 

I startid  to-wunst,  and  found  things  in  a highly  mixed  condi- 
tion. The  folio  win  is  compiled  from  my  reports  : In  Noo  York 
the  Postmasters  generally  are  sound.  The  crops  wer  poor  last 
year  ; and  all  kinds  uv  biznis  bein  dull,  the  Postmasters  are 
generally  anxious  to  hold  on.  They  are,  therefore,  outspoken 
in  their  support  uv  the  coz.  Them  ez  wuz  men  uv  good 
standin  and  relijusly  inklined,  before  the  rupcher  between 
the  President  and  the  party  wich  redoost  him,  say  but  very 
little  in  publick,  and  that  little  they  don’t  say  very  long.  They 
generally  can’t  see  that  ther  is  any  partikeler  differense 
between  the  President’s  plan  and  the  plan  uv  Congress,  and 
ther  bein  so  little.  Congress  ought  to  yeeld  for  the  sake  uv 
peace.  The  Dimokrats,  holdin  sich  places,  are  loud  enough  in 
support  uv  the  Administrashen  ; but,  good  Heaven ! the  en- 
dorsement uv  sich  men  is  too  heavy  a load  for  any  party  to 
carry.  Now,  that  I think  uv  it,  I hev  at  last  solved  the  mys- 
tery uv  our  wide-spread  defeat  last  fall.  In  some  deestricks 
the  Diraocrisy  found  Johnson  too  heavy  a load  too  carry,  and  in 
the  others  the  Johnson  men  found  the  Dimokrisy  too  heavy  a 
load  to  carry. 


IN  OHIO. 


393 


In  Ohio,  the  first  place  I stopt  at  wuz  Oberlin,  the  place 
where  the  nigger'college  is  located  at.  I regret  to  say  that 
the  Postmaster  at  that  pint  is  a rantin  Ablishnist ; and  in  the 
two  hours  I wuz  ther,  I coodent  find  a Conservative  Pepublikin 
who  wood  take  it.  I got  one  nearly  pers-wadid  ; but  jest  ez  he 
wuz  about  to  consent,  his  wife  fell  a weepin  onto  his  buzzum, 
and  with  tetchin  pathos,  wantid  to  kno  ef  he  wuz  willin,  for 
sich  small  pay,  to  leave  sich  a tarnisht  name  to  the  four  chil- 
dren now  born  to  em  and  the  wun  wich  wuz  expectid  ? He 
repentid  and  refoosed.  I don’t  investigate  ez  fully  ez  I might, 
for  ther  ain’t  a drop  uv  likker  sold  ther  ; and  ez  my  flask  give 
out,  I felt  that  doo  considerashen  for  my  health  woodent  permit 
my  stayin  another  hour.  I recommend  the  abolishen  uv  the 
office,  or  the  establishment  uv  a grosery,  with  a bar  in  the  back 
room,  ez  a nukleus  around  wich  the  Dimocrisy  kin  rally. 

The  next  place  I cum  to  I found  the  Postmaster  a suspishus 
character  — very  suspishus.  Whenever  he  is  drunk  he  speaks 
very  highly  uv  the  Sekretary  uv  State,  but  when  sober  he 
avoids  politikle  matters.  I sejest  a raise  in  the  salary  uv  the 
offis,  that  he  kin  afford  to  keep  drunk  all  the  time. 

At  the  next  pint  I interdoost  myself  ez  a English  nobleman 
in  disguise,  study  in  Amerikin  manners  and  customs,  and  men- 
shuned  carelessly  that  I hed  bin  to  Washinton,  and  hed  bin 
presentid  to  the  President  and  Sekretary  uv  State.  The  Post- 
master wuz  vizably  affectid.  Glancin  furtively  around  to  see 
that  no  one  wuz  lookin,  he  remarked  in  a low  tone  : My  deer 

sir,  don’t,  I beg  uv  yoo,  form  yoor  idea  uv  the  public  men  uv 
Ameriky  from  them  specimens.  Don’t,  I beg.  The  first,  sir, 
is  a accident — sich  a man  cood  never  hev  bin  made  on  purpose. 
The  second  wuz  suthin,  in  his  earlier  years  ; but  now,  sir,  now 
— he’s  a degradid  old  man,”  and  he  bustid  into  tears.  Bein 
determined  to  hold  onto  his  place,  he  tried  at  fust  to  bring  the 
President  up  to  his  level ; but  that  bein  impossible,  he  delib- 
erately let  hisself  down  to  the  level  uv  the  President,  and  the 
distance,  sir,  wuz  so  great,  the  Sekretary  bein  suthin,  that  the 
shock,  sir,  undoubtedly  knockt  his  intelleck  out  uv  him,  for  he 
ain’t  displayed  any  since.  May  the  Lord  forgive  Willyum 
H.  Seward  for  the  shipwreck  he  made  uv  his  reputashen, 
for  — ” 


394 


AN  AFFECTING  INCIDENT. 


At  this  pint  the  poor  man  stopt.  I happened  to  pull  out  my 
hankercher,  and  in  doin  so  dropt  upon  the  floor  a piece  uv 
paper,  wich  he  seed.  It  read  : — 

■ “Petroleum  V.  Nasbt,  Dr. 

“To  G.  Bascom. 

“ To  drinks  doorin  the  month  nv  Janooary  at  10  cents  per  drink,  . . $30  00.” 

He  looked  at  my  face,  and  seein  that  that  bill  reely  b’longed 
to  me,  fell  faintin  onto*  the  floor,  shreekin,  I’m  McCrackened.” 

I leave  the  case  in  the  hands  uv  the  Cabinet. 

Another  man  openly  defied  me.  He  wantid  me  to  take  the 
offis  off  his  hands.  His  children,  he  sed,  wuz  made  mouths  at 
and  skoffed  at,  at  skool,  becoz  ther  father,  wich  hed  bin  a 
Eepublikin,  held  a Fedral  offis,  and  his  wife  wuz  defeeted  for 
President  uv  the  Sewin  Sosiety,  a posishen  she  hed  alluz  held, 
on  the  same  akkount.  He  hed  stood  it  long  enuff.  Ef  he 
coodent  git  it  off  his  hands,  he’d  commit  sooicide,  and  by  thus 
puttin  hisself  out  uv  the  way,  make  his  abuzed  family  the  only 
reparashen  in  his  power.  I sejest  that  he  be  removed.  Sich 
talk  may  be  safely  set  down  ez  incendiary. 

Another  hed  the  highest  possible  opinion  uv  the  President, 
and  worshipt  the  Secretary.  He  considered  his  plan  uv  recon- 
struction the  best  wich  cood  hev  bin  devised  by  mortal  wisdom. 
He  hed  vainly  striven  to  git  a nominashen  for  an  offis  from  the 
Eepublikin  party  for  years,  but  failed,  owin  to  a lack  uv  confi- 
dence. He  wood  hev  jined  the  Democracy  ; but  ez  they  wuz 
hopelessly  in  the  minority,  it  woodent  hev  helped  him.  He 
considered  Johnson’s  idea  uv  fillin  the  offises  with  Eepublikins 
bully,  ther  bein  so  few  uv  that  persuasion  who’d  take  em,  and 
he  didn’t  want  any  accessions  to  the  party.  Ther  wuz  now  jist 
enuff  to  hold  the  offises  in  control  uv  the  President,  and  them 
wuz  all  the  offises  they  cood  git  any  how.  I sejest  that  he  be 
continyood.  He  isn’t  discreet ; but  we  can’t  expect  all  the 
virchoos  at  so  small  a price.  None  uv  us  is  perfeck  — I spose 
I hev  my  failins. 

I shel  continyoo  my  investigashens,  tho  it  is  dredful  tryin 
labor.  Coin,  ez  I do,  thro  Abolition  sections,  I hev  to  cary 
my  own  whisky ; and  ez  sad  experience  hez  demonstrated, 
quart  flasks  won’t  do.  Sometimes  I hev  to  lay  in  one  uv  them 


EDUCATIONAL. 


395 


towns  for  three  hours.  I respeckfully  submit,  that  arrange- 
ments be  made  for  the  transportashen  uv  a keg  uv  sustenance 
to  accompany  me  ; otherwise,  I shel  peremptorily  resine.  At 
my  time  uv  life  my  regeler  supplies  is  necessary. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 

CXXXIII. 

MR.  NASBY’S  BOARD  COMMENCE  THE  COMPILA- 
TION  OF  A SERIES  OF  SCHOOL  BOOKS  FOR  THE 
INSTITOOT.^^ 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  \ 
Febrooary  20,  1867.  ) 

The  Institoot  is  a success  Contribushens  flow  in  slowly  but 
shoorly,  — fast  enuff  indeed  to  give  each  uv  the  Board  a noo 
soot  uv  close  ; and  we,  espeshelly,  who  hev  the  fust  handlin 
uv  that  money,  sevral  other  comforts.  But  that  corner-stun 
troubles  us.  Sum  hundreds  uv  people  saw  that  a bottle  uv  lik- 
ker  and  a greenback  wuz  deposited  under  it,  and  regerly  every 
nite  iPs  bin  overturned  by  persons  in  serch  uv  them  relics. 
At  great  expense  we  built  onto  it  a section  uv  wall ; but  makin 
no  account  uv  our  expenditoor,  they  overturned  it.  We  then 
histed  a sign-board  bearing  this  legend  : The  whisky'is  gone, 

and  the  greenback  also,”  signed  by  the  Board ; but  one  half  uv 
the  citizens  uv  thal  lokality  don’t  read,  and  tother  didn’t  hev 
the  nessary  confidence  in  the  truthfulness  uv  the  Board  to 
prevent  em  from  goin  for  the  artikles,  tho  the  very  knowlege 
uv  us  wich  brot  about  this  state  uv  disbelief,  shood,  wun  wood 
suppose,  hev  taught  em  that  the  greenback  and  likker  coodent 
possibly  be  there  after  so  long  a period  hed  ensood.  So,  ez  a 
last  resort,  we  stuck  two  posts  in  the  ground  and  drawd  an 
iron  chain  over  it.  That  got  em.  Force  is  about  the  only 
thing  uv  any  account  in  this  country. 

The  Board  met  last  nite  at  the  Post  Offis,  wich,  ontil  we  git 


396 


EXAMPLES. 


the  Institoot  built^  will  be  the  headquarters  uv  the  Trustees, 
to  consider  the  propriety  uv  publishin  a series  uv  skool  books, 
adaptid  especially  to  the  Southern  intelleck,  and  calculated  to 
keep  alive  in  the  minds  uv  the  buddin  yooths  uv  the  late  Con- 
federacy, wich  is  unfortunately  deceest,  a lively  opinion  uv 
themselves  and  a corresponding  hatred  uv  Noo  England  and 
the  North  generally.  We  hev  hed  serious  doubts  whether 
proper  ideas  cood  be  instilled  into  a youth  from  a book  written 
by  a Boston  man,  and  printed  in  Cincinnati. 

I submitted  to  the  Board  a example  for  a noo  Arithmetic, 
to  wit : — 

A Yankee  sent  a substitoot  into  the  Federal  army  at  a cost 
uv  $1000,  passing  ofif  onto  him  two  counterfeit  ten  dollar  notes. 
To  make  up  the  expenditoor,  he  to-wunst  swindles  a innocent 
Kentuckian  out  uv  $100  in  a patent  rite,  a Alabamian  out  uv 
$200  in  a Western  land  trade,  and  the  balance  he  makes  up  by 
sellin  wooden  nutmegs,  wich  he  turns  out  uv  basswood  at  a 
profit  uv  4 cents  per  one.  . The  grate  moral  question  is,  how 
many  nutmegs  must  this  ingenius  but  unprincipled  cuss 
manufaktur,  and  how  long  does  it  take  him,  with  the  im- 
prooved  machinery,  they  hev  to  do  it? 

The  Southern  soljers,  at  the  battle  uv  the  first  Bull  Run, 
captured  18  Federals,  one  uv  whom  hed  upon  his  person 
$12  in  greeenbax,  and  tothers  $8  each.  How  many  uv  John- 
son’s Postmasters  cood  be  bought  with  the  proceeds  uv  the 
capcher  ? ” 

Deekin  Pogram  approved  uv  these  examples ; but  he  kept 
insistin  that  there  wuzn’t  enuff  in  em  to  fire  the  Southern 
heart.  The  Southern  heart  wuz  a perpetooal  funeral  pile 
wich  needid  continyooal  firin.  Onless  fired  it  wuz  a gloomy 
mass  uv  very  onsightly  black  cinders.  He  proposed  that  the 
forthcoming  book  shood  be  coal  oil  on  the  slumberin  embers  uv 
the  yoothful  Southern  heart.  He  hed  a example : — 

The  battle  uv  Chickamauga  wuz  fought  a certain  number 
uv  miles  from  Chattanooga.  One  regiment  uv  Confedrit  soljers 
druv  a division  uv  Fedral  mercenaries  into  the  town.  Allowin 
that  each  Fedral,  ez  well  ez  Confedrit,  hed  two  legs,  how  many 
more  steps  did  the  Fedrals  take  to  get  em  into  Chatta- 
nooga, where  they  wuz  comparatively  safe  from  Confedrit 


JOE  BIGLER  INTERFERES,  397 

rage  and  valor,  and  sich,  than  it  did  the  Confedrits  to  drive 
em  thar  ? ” 

Bascom  remarkt  that  he  hed  one  wich  he  felt  it  his  dooty  to 
propose  : — 

A strickly  conscienshns  grocery  keeper  starts  in  biznis 
worth  four  hundred  dollars  in  clean  cash.  He  pays  for  his 
whiskey  two  dollars  per  gallon  in  Looisville,  and  hez  for  a 
reglar  customer  a Postmaster,  wich  drinks  forty  or  sixty  times 
per  day,  and  alluz  tells  him  to  ^ jist  chalk  it  down.’  Kequired 
the  length  uv  time  nessary  to  bust  him  under  them  afflictin 
circumstances  ? ” 

Bascom  remarkt  that  long  before  the  book  appears  in  print, 
he  wood  be  able  to  furnish  the  anser  to  that  little  problem.  Con- 
siderin  the  example  a dig  direct  at  me,  I wuz  uv  a noshen  to 
retort;  but  ther  wuz  sich  a look  uv  injerd  innosense  onto 
Bascom’s  countenance  that  reely  I coodent.  Suthin  must  be 
done  for  Bascom,  — I hev  lived  onto  him  too  long.  The  next 
contribushen  I reseeve  from  frends  North  shel  be  devoted  to 
liquidating,  in  part,  the  debt  I owe  him.  I cood  bust  him,  by 
not  givin  him  at  least  cost  for  his  likker  ; but  wat  follows  ? 
There’s  the  rujb.  Wood  he  who  come  after  give  me  credit? 
Better  bear  the  ills  we  hev  than  fly  to  them  to  wich  we  hevn’t 
bin  interdoost. 

Joe  Bigler,  the  drunken  Confedrit  soljer,  happened  in,  and 
heard  the  last  two  examples,  and  remarkt  that  he  cood  furnish 
any  number  uv  examples  at  site.  We  never  stop  Joseph  in 
anything  he  perposes  to  do,  for  he  hez  a habit  uv  carryin  a 
navy  revolver  slung  to  him.  Joseph  wuz  permitted  to  perceed. 

Ef  a Southern  man  pants  for  his  rites,  and  fites  four  years 
for  em,*gittin  licked  like  the  devil,  how  long  after  is  it  advisa- 
ble for  him  to  continyoo  to  pant,  pervidid  he  didn't  know  at  the 
beginnin  wat  his  rites  wuz? 

Ef  a Southern  soljer  kin  whip  five  Northern  soljers,  why  in 
bloody  thunder,  they  hevin  hed  a suffishency  uv  opportoonities 
uv  doin  it,  didn’t  the  South  gain  her  independence  ? 

“ Ef  fitin  four  years,  and  loosin  every  doggoned  cent’s 
worth  uv  property  a man  hed  wuz  profitable  biznis,  liow  many 
struggles  for  independence  wood  a man  uv  modrit  means  be 
justified  in  goin  thro  with? 


398 


AND  MAKES  TROUBLE. 


Ef  two  gallons  and  a half  uv  Kentucky  whisky  kin  be  got 
from  a bushel  uv  corn,  how  many  Democratic  voters,  takin 
young  men  ez  they  run,  kin  be  manufaktured  from  the  produck 
uv  an  aker  uv  good  land  in  a modrit  year  for  corn  ? 

A high-toned  shivelrous  Virginian,  twenty  years  ago,  hed  a 
female  slave  wich  wuz  ez  black  ez  a crow,  and  worth  only 
$800.  Her  progeny  wuz  only  half  ez  black  ez  a crow,  and  her 
female  grandchildren  wuz  suffishently  bleached  to  sell  in  Noo 
Orleans  for  $2500  per  female  offspring.  Eequired,  1st,  The 
length  uv  time  nessary  to  pay  off  the  Nashnel  debt  by  this 
means.  2d.  The  number  uv  years  nessary  to  bleach  the  cuss 
of  color  out  uv  the  niggers  uv  the  United  States 

A.  Johnson  hed  the  idea  uv  carryin  a certin  number  uv 
deestricks,  by  speekin  in  em  with  Seward,  all  uv  wich  gave 
increased  majorities  agin  him.  Eequired  the  number  uv  miles 
uv  travel,  and  the  number  uv  repetitions  uv  the  speech,  to 
enable  him  to  carry  out  his  policy? 

Ef  two  nips  at  Washinton  wuz  suffishent  to  perdoose  the 
speech  at  the  inaugerashen  on  the  4th  uv  March,  1865,  how 
many  must  have  bin  slung  into  A.  J.  to  perdoose  the  22d  uv 
Febrooary  effort,  and  how  many  must  he  hev  taken  between 
Washinton  and  St.  Louis  ? ’’ 

These  examples,”  sed  Joseph,  I consider  nessary  for  this 
book : and  ef  it  is  published  without  em  I shel  take  it  ez  a 
personal  affront,  for  which  I shel  hold  the  Board  personelly 
responsible.  The  Southern  yooth  must  be  properly  instructed 
— my  orphans  must  hev  proper  notions  instilled  into  em,  and 
these  examples  is  nessary  to  that  end.  Let  this  Board  remem- 
ber that,  when  this  book  is  publisht,  ef  these  examples  is  not 
in  them,  they  hev  me  to  settle  with.” 

And  Joseph  departed.  We  are  in  a quandary.  We  dare 
not  publish  the  book  without  his  examples,  for  he  alluz  keeps 
his  word,  and  is  a ugly  cuss  to  deal  with  ; and  uv  course  puttin 
em  in  coodent  be  thought  uv.  We  finally  decided  that  Joseph 
must  be  got  out  uv  the  way  ez  soon  ez  possible,  and  therefore 
votid  that  Bascom  give  him  unlimited  credit  at  his  bar  for  a 
week,  chargin  the  same  upon  the  account  uv  the  Institoot.  I 
know  that  a free  run  at  his  barrels  would  finish  me  or  any  one 
uv  the  Board  in  that  time.  Happy  Bigler  I He  hez  at  least 


DESIRES  CONFIRMATION. 


399 


one  satisfactrj  week  afore  him,  — I cood  almost  wish  the 
Board  wood  try  it  on  me.  It  wood  be  a short  but  glorious 
career. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 

CXXXIV. 

MR.  NASBY  DESIRES  CONFIRMATION.  — IS  ADVISED 
HOW  TO  PROCEED  BY  THE  PRESIDENT,  BUT 
REJECTS  THE  PROPOSITION  WITH  SCORN. 

Washington,  D.  C.,  March  20,  1867. 

Washington  agin  ! What  changes  hev  been  made  in  the 
last  two  years  I Not  in  Washington,  for  this  deliteful  abode 
uv  official  purity  hezn’t  changed  a particle,  nor  never  will. 
From  the  summit  uv  Willard’s  Hotel  I kin  see  now,  ez  I did  a 
year  ago,  the  same  signs  uv  steamed  oysters  ; ” the  Capitle, 
in  front,  towrin  over  the  trees  at  the  tother  end  uv  the  avenue, 
and  behind,  the  Patent  Offis  and  Post  Offis  buildings  ; the  first 
the  Mecca  uv  every  Dimokrat,  and  the  tother  uv  every 
Yankee  who  comes  here.  No ! Washington  ain’t  changed, 
but  I hev.  Formerly,  when  I visited  Washington,  it  wuz  tite 
times  with  me.  Willard’s  wuz  my  hotel  then  ez  now.  In  them 
days,  before  the  happy  return  uv  A.  Johnson  to  reason  put 
some  thousands  uv  Democrats,  who  hed  more  stumic  than 
money,  and  more  appetite  than  small  change,  into  offis,  and, 
per  consekence,  into  condition  to  pay  their  bills,  I wuz  a guest 
at  this  hotel;  which  is  to  say,  I slept  on  the  steps. uv  the 
Capitol,  and  took,  or  tried  to  take,  my  meals  at  Chadwick’s 
bountiful  board.  Ef  I hed  no  currency,  I hed  taste  ; and  ez  I 


« 

It  was  easy  enough  in  1866-7  for  a Republican  of  any  prominence,  who  was 
willing  U)  support  Johnson,  to  get  an  appointment,  but  how  to  secure  confirma- 
tion by  the  Senate  was  the  rub.  Many  men  of  easy  virtue,  accomplished  the 
desired  confirmation  by  abandoning  Johnson,  after  the  appointment  was  made, 
Wilcox  and  Custar  were  two  of  the  most  prominent  examples. 


400 


Willard’s. 


wuz  foragin  for  subsistence,  I alluz  made  it  a pint  to  forage  on 
the  richest  paster  fields.  It’s  ez  easy  to  cheek  a first  class 
dinner  ez  it  is  a second  class ; and  besides,  I felt  that  sich  a 
hotel  ez  Willard’s  wuz  better  able  to  stand  sich  boarders  ez  I 
wuz  than  them  of  less  patronage.  I kept  away  from  the 
tother  hotels  out  of  sympathy  for  the  proprietors.  Never  shel 
I forget  my  last  visit  here.  I hed  run  the  dinin-room  guardian 
angel  for  a week,  and  wuz  congratulatin  myself  on  another 
week  at  least,  when  the  landlord  stopped  me  hisself,  and  the 
follerin  conversashen  ensood : — 

“ My  friend,”  sed  he,  in  winnin  tones. 

Davis,  Garret,  is  my  name  ! ” sez  T,  promptly. 

We  hear  enuff,”  sez  he.  Listen  ! I’ve  let  you  run  a 
week,  coz  it’s  my  regler  practis.  Yoo  hed  a hungry  look,  but 
by  this  time  yoo  ought  to  be  filled  up  and  able  to  go  at  least  a 
week  without  eatin.  Ez  yoo  ain’t  uv  no  earthly  yoose  to  any 
body,  and  make  no  pretensions  to  bein  ornamental  — Git ! ” and 
three  well-directed  kicks  landed  me  onto  the  sidewalk. 

But  I hev  forgiven  him.  He  treats  me  well.  He  hez  confi- 
dence in  me  now,  ez  I hev  paid  my  board  in  advance.  It’s  a 
rool  he  hez,  he  jocosely  remarked,  with  men  of  my  peculiar 
cast  uv  countenance,  to  hev  em  pay  in  advance.  He  says  it’s 
much  the  best  way.  After  payin,  sich  men  ez  me  feel  more 
comfortable  about  the  house,  and  so  do  the  proprietors.  It’s 
me  that  is  changed,  — I hev  money  to  pay  my  bills.  Bless  the 
Lord  for  Seward,  Johnson,  Bandall,  and  other  luxuries  ! 

But  pleasant  ez  it  is  to  contrast  my  former  posishen  with  my 
present  proud  one,  I hev  not  time  to  dwell  upon  reminiscences. 
Life  is  short ; I am  a practical  man  ; and  tho  it  may  be  pleasant 
to  linger  for  a moment  onto  mernry’s  pleasant  fields,  I cannot. 
My  biznis  in  Washington  is  precisely  what  every  Democrat’s 
biznis  is,  to  get  confirmed.  It  ain’t  no  trouble  for  a 

Kentucky  Dimecrat  to  git  appinted,  for  the  President  hez  so 
far  relaxed  his  rules  in  this  pertikeler  ez  to  appint  them  ez 
wuzn’t  never  in  the  Confedrit  army  ; but  to  get  confirmed  is  the 
pinch.  There’s  the  gauntlet  uv  a Ablishen  Senit  to  run  ; and, 
good  Lord,  wat  a knowlege  they  hev  uv  the  out-goins  and 
in-comins  of  the  appintees  ! 

The  President  and  Postmaster-General  Bandall  wuz  ex- 


THE  LETTER. 


401 


tremely  anxious  for  my  confirmation,  so  much  so,  that  they 
advised  me  to  resort  to  the  strategy  now  so  common  in  the 
North. 

Go  back  on  me  for  the  time  bein/^  sed  that  trooly  great 
and  good  man  who  adorns  the  sofas  in  the  Presidenshul  Man- 
shen.  Wilcox  em.  That^s  yoor  only  holt : Wilcox  em.  I 
advised  him  to  do  it,  and  see  how  it  worked.” 

My  dear  sir,”  sed  I,  carried  away  by  this  new  and  onex- 
pected  development  uv  greatness,  “ kin  yoo  bear  to  hev  me 
who  bears  yoor  banner  in  Kentucky  bend  the  knee  to  a 
Ablishen  Senit,  and  repoodiate  yoo,  even  for  a hour?  It  is 
safe  in  my  case,  for  my  nateral  affinities  are  with  yoo,  but  don’t, 
I beg  uv  yoo,  advise  all  uv  em  to  do  so.  My  deer  sir,  two 
thirds  uv  em  will  go  out  for  confirmashen,  and,  ef  successful, 
will  forgit  to  return.” 

But  the  great  and  good  Johnson  wood  take  no  denials. 

Draw  up,”  sed  he,  a letter  to  a conservative  member  uv 
Congress,  explainin  yoor  connection  with  me,  and  — ” 

And  overkum  with  emoshen,  he  bust  into  tears. 

Sadly  I undertook  the  task,  and  after  four  hours  uv  intense 
labor,  the  followin  wuz  completed  : — 

Hon. , House  uv  Reps. 

dear  Sir:  My  confirmashen  by  the  Senit  uv  the 
Yoonited  States  to  the  posishen  uv  Postmaster  at  the  Con- 
federit  X Roads,  wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Kentucky,  bein  some- 
what jeopardized  by  my  operashuns  in  the  politikle  field  doorin 
the  past  two  years,  1 hev  the  honor  to  explain  that,  notwitb- 
stanclin  the  fact  that  I wuz  a original  Demokrat,  early  in  the 
war  1 took  up  arms  for  the  preservashen  uv  our  beloved 
Yoonion.  The  precise  date  I cannot  give,  owin  to  the  de- 
moralized condishen  uv  my  mind  at  the  time  ; but  that  yoo 
can  assertane  for  yoorselves.  It  wuz  about  two  weeks  after 
the  fust  draft.  That  I laid  down  arms  agin  ez  soon  ez  the 
regiment  struck  Southern  sile  will  not,  when  the  motives  wiclf 
actooated  me  are  known,  be  allowed  to  weigh  agin  me.  It  hez 
bin  sed  I deserted  to  the  enemy,  — so  it  wuz  sed  uv  John 
Champe,  but  history  subsekently  vindicated  him ; he  went  to 
ketch  Arnold.  I will  not  stop  to  reply  to  mv  defamers  ; but 
26 


402 


A SATISFACTORY  EXPLANATION. 


ef  it  comes  out  finally  that  1 went  for  the  purpose  uv  satisfyin 
rebels  by  okular  demonstrashun  that  they  bed  nothin  to  hope 
for  from  the  Northern  Democrats,  uv  whom  I am  a average 
specimen,  what  kin  my  enemies  say  then  ? 

“ 1 do  not  deny  that  1 wuz  a ardent  supporter  uv  President 
Johnson  from  the  beginning  uv  his  career.  I wuz  filled  with 
a drafted  man’s  magnanimity  toward  a conkered  foe,  and  up  to 
the  very  day  I reseeved  my  commishen  I favored  consilatory 
measures.  I accompanied  him  on  his  — I will  not  say  dis- 
graceful, for  he  is  my  sooperior  officer  — tour  thro  the  North- 
ern States,  and  slung  my  hat  higher  nor  anybody  else’s  at  his 
— I will  not  say  drunken,  for  reasons  above  mentioned  — 
speeches,  and  aboozed  the  highly  intelligent  populaces  at 
Cleveland,  Tnjeanapolis,  Springfield,  and  other  pints,  in  a man- 
ner wich,  now  that  I think  uv  it,  wuz  trooly  shameful.  Also,  I 
organized  the  Postmasters  uv  various  Northern  States  into 
a Johnson  party,  and  vigorously  supported  members  uv  Con- 
gress pledged  to  the  policy  uv  wich  I wuz,  at  the  time,  a 
deceeved  supporter.  About  this  time  I wuz  appointed  Post- 
master ; and,  findin  I needed  confirmashen,  my  views  under- 
goed  a radical  change.  Time  and  observashen  hev  taught  me 
that  instid  uv  consiliashen,  coershen  is  our  best  holt;  and  that 
now  military  measures  are  necessary  in  the  South  ontil  them 
rebellyus  people  completely  acquiesce  in  terms  imposed  by 
Congris  for  restorashen.  My  views  on  this  interestin  topic  is 
best  defined  by  the  recent  speeches  uv  Hon.  Charles  Sumner, 
the  eminent  and  trooly  great  Senator  from  the  enlitened  State 
uv  Massachusetts,  and  also  by  the  recent  utterances  uv  them 
lovable  Pepresentatives,  Thadeus  Stevens,  uv  Pennsylvania, 
and  General  Butler,  uv  Massachoosetts,  in  all  uv  whose  senti- 
ments, sich  as  they  hev  now,  and  also  them  ez  they  hev  alluz 
bed,  as  well  ez  them  which  they  may  hereafter  hev,  I most 
heartily  and  entirely  concur. 

With  this  explanation,  wich  I hope  will  prove  entirely 
satisfactory,  and  with  the  addishnel  asshoorance  that  I am 
now  a very  warm  supporter  of  the  Congressional  policy,  and 
that  when  I look  back  and  see  what  I hev  bin  a doin  for  the 
past  two  years,  I so  loathe  myself  that  I kin  hardly  be  re- 


( 


A SPASM  OF  FAITHFULNESS.  . 403 

strained  from  sooisidin,  may  I ask  you  to  perse  ,dy  urge  my 
confirmation  in  the  Senit? 

Trooly  and  Respectfully  Yours, 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby.” 

I read  this  epistle  to  A.  Johnson,  who  wuz  pleased  to 
approve  it,  and  also  to  Randall,  who  wuz  delited  with  it,  and  to 
Welles,  who,  after  forcing  me  to  read  it  twice  over,  wanted  to 
know  if  it  had  anything  to  do  with  the  Navy  Department,  and 
then  returned  to  the  President  with  my  mind  fully  made  up 
that  I never  would  send  that  document. 

^^Wat?’’  sed  he,  startiii  back  astonished,  ‘‘not  send  it?” 
“ Never  ! ” sed  1.  “ Never  ! Sich  things  may  do  for  Post- 

masters and  Assessors  wich  }'OU  took  from  the  Republican 
ranks,  but  not  for  me.  I hev  done  many  things  wich  perhaps 
woodn’t  hold  out  sixty  pounds  to  the  bushel  — I voted  for 
Peerce  and  likewise  for  Bookannon,  and  suppoi^ted  em  in  all 
their  various  dooins,  besides  other  things  too  tejus  to  men- 
shun  ; but  my  sensitive  soul  recoils  at  this,  — my  proud 
stumick  revolts.  I leave  it  for  yoor  Custers  and  Wilcoxes 
and  sich,  — no  Kentucky  Dimokrat  kin.  Let  them  refooze  to 
confirm  me  at  their  peril.  I am  the  only  Dimocrat  in  ten  miles 
who  kin  write,  and  they  dare  not,  by  turning  me  out,  deprive 
Kentucky,  wich  never  seceded,  uv  mail  facilities.” 

“ Brave  man  ! ” exclaimed  Johnson,  in  a husky  voice,  and  his 
eyes  suffused  with  tears,  fallin  onto  my  neck  and  weepin  pro- 
foosely  down  my  back,  “ let  em  reject  yoo.  Ef  they  do,  I 
pledge  yoo  my  word,  and  will  give  yoo  sekoority  now  if  yoo 
desire  it,  that  yoo  shell  hev  a partnership  with  Mrs.  Cobb,  or 
Mrs.  Perry,  wich  is  worth  a score  uv  post  offices.” 

I hev  alius  noticed  that  virchoo  is  its  own  reward.  By  bein 
troo,  wot  a feeld  is  now  open  to  me.  Let  the  Senit  do  its 
worst. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 


404 


A RETROSPECTIVE  VIETf. 


cxxxv. 

MR.  NASBY  TAKES  A RETROSPECTIVE  VIEW. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
March  25,  1867. 

Backerd,  turn  backerd^  0 Time,  in  yoor  flite,’^  is  the  fust 
line  uv  a song  wich  I heerd  not  long  since.  Wood  that  Time 
cood  perform  that  back  ackshen  feat,  and  get  us  all  back  wher 
we  wuz  six  years  ago.  But  Time  can’t.  Time  is  a perpetooal 
moshen,  wich  must  go  on  and  on,  and  wich  can’t  never  retrace 
her  steps. 

The  situashen  ain’t  pertickelerly  agreeable  jist  now.  It 
hezn’t  a joocy  look,  nor  does  it  promise  an  improvement  in 
the  future.  The  confidence  uv  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Kentucky 
is  shaken  to  the  extent  that  it’s  lost  its  equilibrium,  and 
totters  to  its  centre.  When  it  falls,  I shel  be  found  under 
the  rooins. 

The  passage  of  the  Military  Law  may  be  sed  to  be  the  last 
feather  wich  reely  ought  to  break  the  Kentucky  camel’s  back. 
It’s  the  deepest  stab  at  constooshnel  liberty  and  ekal  rites, 
inezmuch  ez  it  not  only  blasts  forever  the  hopes  uv  re-estab- 
lishin  slavery,  but  gives  the  nigger  all  the  rites  and  privileges 
enjoyed  by  white  men.  We,  who  are  chiefly  interested,  are 
not  to  be  consulted  in  the  matter.  Fedral  hirelins,  whose  very 
presence  is  pizen  to  the  people  uv  these  States,  are  to  be  quar- 
tered onto  us  to  see  that  justis  ” — wat  holler  mockry  ! — is 
done  to  em.  The  governments  established  by  Androo  Johnson 
is  overturned  ef  they  don’t  play  the  fiddle  to  military  satraps, 
and  accept  the  Constooshnel  Amendment,  wich  perhibits 
them  who  wuz  our  champions  in  the  late  effort  to  destroy  a 
government  wich  we  hatid,  from  takin  hold  uv  it  agin  and 
runnin  it.  Wuz  ther  ever  sich  a mixter  uv  injustis  and  per- 
scripshen?  Wuz  ther  ever  sich  severity?  W^uz  ther  ever 
sich  a lack  uv  magnanimity  ? And  all  this  time  where  is  John- 
son ? He  vetoed  these  bills,  — but  wherefore  ? He  knowd 
that  the  Rump  Congress  hed  a majority  uv  two  thirds,  and 
cood  pass  em  over  his  veto  ; why,  then,  when  they  set  his 


GRECIAN  STRATEGY. 


405 


authority  at  defiance,  didn’t  he  rise  in  his  niight  and  disperse 
em  ? Where,  too,  wuz  the  Dimocrisy  uv  the  North  ? Where 
are  they  in  this  crisis,  when  our  dearest  rites  is  bein  ship- 
recked  on  the  iron-bound  rocks  uv  despotism?  W^hy  don’t 
they  rally,  ez  they  threatened,  and  demand  that  Johnson  shel 
hurl  them  levelers  from  their  usurped  seats,  and  restore  peace, 
on  sich  terms  ez  we  shall  consider  ekitable,  to  this  wunst 
happy,  but  now  distracted,  country.  Alas  ! they  hevn’t  time. 
I see  them  who  breathed  so  much  vengence  and  slawtrins 
afore  Johnson  hed  offices  to  dispose  uv,  a neglectin  us,  and  a 
runnin  about  gittin  signatoors  to  applicashens  for  Post  Offises, 
and  hollerin  to  us  ez  they  ketch  their  breath, — 

“ Accept  the  condishens  — git  back  into  the  Yoonion,  that 
we  may  elect  the  President  in  1868,  who’ll  give  us  all  the 
patronage  ! ” 

Their  noosepapers  all  shreek,  — 

Accept,  and  get  back  into  the  Yoonion,  that  we  may  elect 
the  next  President,  who’ll  give  us  all  the  patronage  ! ” 

And  that  ain’t  the  worst  uv  it.  Them  wich  we  bought  up 
with  appintments  diskivered  on  a sudden  tiiat  a Abolition  Senit 
hed  to  confirm  em,  and  to  sekoor  that  they  hev  gone  back 
onto  us.  Custer  is  a shinin  example,  Wilcox  is  another,  and  I 
mite  menshun  hundreds  uv  others  who  hev  slid  back  in  the 
same  manner. 

Troy  wuz  taken  by  the  strategy  uv  the  Greeks,  who  exposed 
a wooden  horse,  in  the  bowels  uv  wich  wuz  conceded  armed 
men,  wich  the  verdant  Troys  pulled  inside  their  gates.  An- 
droo  Johnson  wuz  the  Avooden  horse  Avich  avuz  sent  into  our 
camp  by  the  Ablishnists,  and  the  offices  avuz  the  armed  men 
in  his  boAvels.  They  hev  bin  our  rooin.  So  long  ez  they  avuz 
in  the  dim  distance,  the  -Democracy  avuz  hungry  and  feroshus, 
and  capable  uv  almost  anythin  — so  soon  ez  they  got  em,  they 
become  quiet  ez  lambs.  The  Postmaster  Avho  holds  a com- 
mishn  sez  to  himself,  Wherefore  shel  I bust  the  Government 
under  Avicli  I hev  a place  ? Kin  I git  another  under  the  neAv 
one?”  and  he  yells  to  us,  Accept  the  terms!”  We  cap- 
chered  the  camp  uv  the  enemy,  but  are  demoralized  b}^  the 
plunder  Ave  found.  It’s  the  old  trick,  over  agin,  these  offices, 
Avhich  the  Avhite  men  yoost  to  play  onto  the  Injins,  to  wit : — 


406 


AN  ORGAN  BACKSLIDES. 


evacuatin  a posisben  and  leavin  a barrel  uv  whiskey  behind, 
knowin  that  the  Injin’s  instincts^  like  them  uv  a Kentucky 
Dimokrat’s,  wood  lead  him  to  git  blind  drunk,  and  make  him  a 
easy  prey  to  the  skelpin  knife.  The  offisis  wuz  the  whiskey 
wich  intoxicated  our  braves  ] and  our  skelps,  so  to  speek,  hang 
at  the  belts  uv  our  enemies.  Sumner  hez  many,  Thad  Stevens 
hez  many,  and  Butler  is  a gatherin  uv  em  with  a rapidity  won- 
derful to  behold. 

But  wat  marks  the  demoralizashen  uv  the  Dimocrisy  the 
most,  is  the  follerin  extract  wich  I cut  from  the  Noo  York 
World,  wunst  our  trusted  organ. 

As  regards  the  popular  notion  of  the  odor  of  the  negro,  it 
may  be  positively  stated  that  he,  in  this  respect,  is  like  the 
white,  — a clean  negro  bein  free  from  it,  and  a foul  one 
cursed  by  it.” 

Ef  this,be  troo  — ef  the  nigger  don’t  stink,  then  Noah  got 
drunk,  and  Ham  wuz  cust,  in  vane  — then  Paul  sent  back 
Onesimus  for  nothin,  and  Hager  is  uv  no  more  interest  to  the 
Dimocrisy  than  any  other  female  who  hez  bin  dead  several 
thousand  years.  The  Dimocratic  party  wuz  built  upon  this 
stink  ; and  ef  that  corner-stun  is  knocked  out,  the  temple  falls, 
and  buried  all  beneath  its  rooins  who  are  sheltered  under  it, 
uv  whom  1 am  the  cheefest  and  the  loveliest  among  ten 
thousand. 

At  one  fell  swoop  the  wind  is  knockt  out  uv  the  sales  uv  the 
Northern  Dimocrisy.  Wat  is  the  nigger  now  to  them  ef  he 
does  not  stink?  “ Popler  noshen,”  indeed  ! Trooly  it  wuz  a 
popler  noshen.  That  stink  led  hundreds  uv  thousands  uv 
Democrats  by  the  nose.  That  odor  ” — ez  the  writer  styles 
it  — wuz  our  best  holt,  and  wun  wich  wuz  everything  to  us. 
That  stink  wuz  all  that  elevated  the  Demokrat  over  the  nigger 
— that  wuz  our  mark  of  sooperiority.  We,  at  times,  wuz  not 
uv  the  precise  odor  uv  Nite-bloomin  serious.  A Democratic 
mass  convenshen,  when  in  a tite  room,  with  two  stoves  in  it, 
wuz  not  the  most  odorous  gatherin  in  the  world;  but  we 
thanked  God  continyooally  that  the  smell  wich  ariz  ez  the 
room  got  hot  wuz  not  the  pecooliar  aroma  uv  the  nigger,  and 
we  wuz  comforted.  But  this  writer  redooses  the  whole  thing 


DISCOURAGED. 


407 


— the  whole  difference  between  the  nigger  and  a Democrat  — 
to  a matter  of  color  and  cleanliness..  Wat  heresy  ! Wat 
iconaclasm  ! (this  last  word  meanin,  I believe,  idol  breakin,  or 
suthin  nv  that  sort).  Ef  this  he  Iroo,  then  in  the  nite  time,  a 
nigger  with  his  feet  washed  is  better  than  a Democrat ! For  one, 
now  I care  not  ef  Dr.  Cummins’  Last  Warnin  Cry  ” be  trooly 
the  last.  I’m  sorry  that  he  rented  his  house  for  ninety-nine 
years,  ez  it  hez  a tendency  to  destroy  my  faith  in  his  beleef 
that  the  world  is  about  peggin  out.  The  sooner  Gabrel  blows 
his  horn  the  better  I shel  be  sooted. 

Here  agin  this  matter  uv  State  oflSsis  comes  in.  The  Dimoc- 
risy  uv  Noo  York  see  that  nigger  suffrage  is  inevitable,  and 
to  sekoor  their  share  uv  it,  they’re  biddin  in  time  ; forgettin 
that  while  they’re  acheevin  a temporary  success  on  that  side 
uv  the  cirkle  we’re  losing  all  control  uv  the  niggers  on  this. 
Wat  did  the  South  ever  care  for  Dimokratic  successes,  ’ceptin 
ez  it  bolstered  up  their  niggers  ? 

I’m  discouraged.  I see  afore  me  trouble.  I see  but  one  or 
two  streeks  uv  lite  on  my  horizon.  Oliio  won’t  let  her  niggers 
vote  no  how,  and  sum  other  States  are  in  the  same  fix,  and 
possibly  this  ackshen  may  bo  the  sign  uv  returnin  reason. 
Ohio  may,  after  all,  be  the  rock  agin  wich  the  waves  uv 
fanatakism  may  beet  in  vane,  and  conservatism,  gatherin 
strength  there,  may  finally  assert  itself  elsewhere.  May  the 
Lord  send  it,  for  ef  this  thing  goes  on,  I’m  a lost  and  rooined 
man. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 


408 


AN  OFFICIAL  ORDER 


CXXXVI. 

MR.  NASBY,  IN  IMITATION  OF  WADE  HAMPTON, 
TRIES  TO  CONCILIATE  THE  AFRICAN. 

Post  Orris,  CoNrEDRix  X Roads  ') 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  r 
March  28,  1867.  ) 

I HEV  made  many  sudden  and  rather  ’strordinary  changes 
in  politix  — some  so  very  sudden  that  the  movement  perdoost 
conjestion  uv  the  conshence.  I rekollect  wunst  uv  advokatin 
free  trade  and  high  protective  tariff,  all  within  twelve  hours 
(I  made  a speech  in  a agricultooral  deestrik  uv  Noo  York  in 
the  forenoon,  at  10  A.  M.,  and  in  a manufacturin  town  in  Penn- 
sylvany  in  the  evenin,  our  platform  bein  so  construktid  that 
both  sides  cood  find  a endorsement  in  it),  and  hev  'performed 
many  other  feats  uv  moral  gymnastiks  ; but  this  last  change  I 
hev  bin  called  upon  to  make  is  probably  the  suddenest.  Last 
week  Toosday,  Deekin  Pogram,  Captain  McPelter,  and  I,  wuz 
engaged  in  riddin  the  Corners  uv  niggers.  We  hed  endoord 
em  ez  long  ez  we  thot  possible,  and  determined  on  standin  it 
no  longer.  Selectin  three,  wich  we  wuz  satisfied  hed  too  much 
spellin-book  into  em  to  be  enslaved  agin,  we  wuz  preparin 
notises  to  be  served  onto  em,  orderin  em  to  leave  in  twenty- 
four  hours,  when  I reseeved  in  the  northern  mail  a letter 
marked  Free  — Alex.  W.  Randell,  P.  M.  G.’’  I knowd  it  wuz 
offishel  to-wunst  — that  blessid  signatoor  is  on  my  commisshun, 
and  I’ve  contemplatid  it  too  often  to  be  mistaken  in  it.  Its 
contents  wuz  brief,  and  run  thus  : — 

To  all  Postmasters  in  the  Southern  States : The  niggers 

hev  votes  — consiliashen  is  our  best  holt.  See  to  it.” 

This  breef,  tho  not  hard  to  be  understood  order,  wuz  sealed 
with  the  offishel  seal  uv  the  Post  Offis  Department,  stampt  into 
putty  instid  uv  wax,  to  wit : a loaf  of  bread,  under  a roll  uv 
butter,  with  ten  hands  a grabbin  at  it.  I comprehended  the 
situation  at  site,  and  set  about  doin  my  dooty  with  Spartan 
firmness.  Deekin,”  sez  I,  tearin  up  the  notises,  these  nig- 
gers we  hev  misunderstood.  They  are  not  a inferior  race  — 
they  are  not  descendants  uv  Ham  and  Hager  — it  wuzn’t  Paul’s 


WHICH  WAS  PROMPTLY  OBEYED. 


409 


idea  in  sendin  back  Onesimus  to  condemn  him  to  servitood  — 
we  hev  misunderstood  the  situation,  and  must  make  amends. 
The  nigger  is  devoid  uv  smell,  and  is  trooly  a man  and  a 
brother ! ” 

Wat?’’  said  the  Deekin,  tippin  back  in  amazement. 

“ Jest  wat  I say,”  sez  I.  Read  that,”  and  I flung  him  the 
letter. 

The  upshot  uv  the  conference  wich  hollered  wuz  the  callin 
uv  a meetin  the  next  nite,  at  wich  all  the  Ethiopians  uv  the 
Corners  wuz  invited  and  urged  to  be  present. 

The  trouble  wuz  to  git  the  niggers  to  attend  the  meetin. 
The  fust  one  I spoke  to  lafift  in  my  face,  and  askt  me  how  long 
it  wuz  sence  I hed  helped  hang  a couple  uv  niggers,  by  way 
uv  flnishin  off  a celebrashen.  Pollock,  the  Illinois  storekeeper, 
got  hold  uv  it,  and  told  Joe  Bigler,  and  Joe  swore  that  ef  the 
niggers  hedn’t  any  more  sense  than  we  give  em  credit  for,  in 
sposin  we  cood  bamboozle  em  so  cheep,  he  shood  go  back  to 
the  old.beleef,  to  wit:  that  they  wuz  only  a sooperior  race  uv 
monkeys,  after  all ; and  by  nite  every  nigger  in  the  visinity 
w.uz  postid  thoroughly,  and  out  uv  all  uv  em  I cood  onl}^  git 
four  who  would  promise  to  attend,  and  them  the  Deekin  hed  to 
pay  $2  apiece  to.  To  give  it  eclaw  I promised  one  uv  em  $5 
(to  be  paid  at  the  close  uv  the  meetin)  to  sit  on  the  stand  with 
me,  wich,  bein  a very  poor  man,  and  hevin  a sick  wife  in  a 
shanty  near  by,  who  wuz  suffering  for  medicine  (wich  he 
coodent  git  without  money),  he  accepted. 

At  this  pint  an  idee  struck  me.  I remembered  Philadelfy, 
and  determined  to  hev  a scene  rivalin  the  Couch  and  Orr  biz- 
nis.  “ Another  thing.  Cuff.  Understand  that  it’s  a part  uv  the 
bargain  that  when  in  my  speech  I turn  to  yoo  and  stomp,  yoo 
must  rise  and  embrace  me.” 

Wat  ? ” sez  he. 

‘‘Fall  into  my  arms,  lovin-like  — yoo  understand — jest  as 
tho  we  wuz  long-lost  brothers  ! ” 

“ Sense  me  !”  sed  he.  “ I’se  a mity  low  nigger,  and  wants 
to  buy  de  old  woman  some  quinine,  and  wood  do  most  anything 
foah  dat ; but,  golly,  dat’s  too  much  ! ” 

“ Not  a cent,”  sed  I,  sternly,  assoomin  my  most  piercinist 
gaze  ; “ onless  this  is  included  ! ” 


410 


A STIRRING  SPEECH. 


Well/’  returned  he,  sulkily,  ef  I must,  I speck  I must; 
but,  golly  — ” 

The  nite  arrived,  and  the  meetin-house  wuz  full.  We  thot 
fust  uv  holding  it  in  the  chapel  uv  the  College,  but  give  up  the 
idea  ez  impracticable,  ez,  owin  to  the  dillytorinis  uv  our  Northern 
friends  in  forwardin  sich  subscripshens  ez  they  hev  raised,  we 
hevent  got  no  further  with  the  bildin  than  layin  the  corner- 
stuii.  In  the  front  wuz  the  four  niggers,  all  in  clean  shirts, 
and  on  the  stand  wuz  the  nigger  I tied  engaged.  Over  the 
platform,  wuz  the  follerin  mottoes  : — 

In  Yoonion  ther  is  strength  — For  President  in  1868,  Fer- 
nando Wood.  For  Vice  President,  Frederick  Duglis.” 

In  the  nigger,  strength  — In  the  Caucashen,  beauty  — In 
the  mulatter,  who  is  trooly  the  noblest  uv  the  human  species  — 
both.” 

In  addishen  to  these,  we  dug  up  all  the  old  mottoes  wich 
Jefferson  writ,  about  yooniversal  liberty  and  sich,  wich  hedn’t 
bin  quoted  in  Kentucky  for  twenty  years,  and  postid  -em  up ; 
in  brief,  hed  Wendell  Phillips’  blessed  sperit  bin  a hoverin  over 
that  meetin-house,  it  wood  hev  smiled  approvinly. 

I spoke  to  ern  elokently  on  the  yooniversal  brotherhood  uv 
mankind,  holdin  that  whatever  else  cood  be  sed,  Adam  wuz  the 
father  uv  all  mankind,  and  that  the  only  difference  between  a 
white  man  and  a nigger  wuz,  the  nigger  wuz  sun-burnt.  The 
nigger,  I remarkt,  wuz,  undoubtedly,  origenally  white  ; but 
bevin  bin,  sence  his  arrival  in  this  country,  addicted  to  agri- 
cultooral  persoots,  he  hed  become  tanned  to  a degree  wich,  tho 
it  marred  his  physikle  beauty,  did  not  interfere  with  his  sterlin 
goodnis  uv  heart.  Ther  hed  bin  differences  between  the  races 
— at  times  ther  hed  bin  onpleasantnises  wich  no  one  regretted 
more  than  I.  The  whites  uv  the  Corners  hed  not  alluz  bin  ez 
considrit  ez  I cood  hev  wished.  They  hed  flogd  sevral  uv  em, 
and  hung  many  more,  and  in  times  past  hed  held  em  in  slavery 
and  sich  ; but  that  shood  not  be  thot  uv  at  this  happy  time. 
It  wuz  constooshnel  to  do  these  things  then,  and  Kentucky 
wuz  eminently  a law-abidin  State.  Here,”  sez  I,  on  this 
platform,  with  the  flag  uv  our  common  country  over  me,  I de- 
clare eternal  friendsliip  to'  the  colored  man,  and  to  seel  the 
declarashen  I thus  embrace  — ” 


I THL's  Embrace.”  Page  410. 


A SPOILED  SCENE. 


411 


The  obstinit  nigger  didn't  stir  a step. 

Come  up  and  fliug  yoor  arms  around  me,  you  black  cuss/^ 
sed  I,  in  a stage  whisper.  Come  up  ! 

No  yoo  don’t,  boss  ! ” sed  the  nigger,  in  a loud  voice,  w.icb 
wuz  audible  all  over  the  church,  and  holdin  out  his  hand.  I 
can’t  trust  yoo  a bressid  minit.  Gib  me  de  $5  fust.  Yoo  owe 
dis  chile  foah  dollars  now  fo’  sawin  wood  fo’  yoah  post  offis,  and 
ef  we’s  a gwine  to  hab  our  rites  de  fus  yoose  I shel  put  mine 
to  will  be  the  gittin  dat  money.  Pay  up  fus,  and  de  ’brace 
afterward.  I can’t  do  sich  a disagreeable  ting  widout  de  cash 
in  advance.” 

This  ruther  destroyed  the  effect.  The  unities  wuzn’t  pre- 
served. The  niggers  in  front  bust  out  in  a torturing  laff,  and 
Pollock  and  Bigler  rolld  in  convulsions  uv  lafture,  in  wich  half 
uv  our  people  joined.  Me  a stand  in  petrified,  in  the  attitood 
of  embracin,  and  that  cussed  nigger  standin  with  his  hand  ex- 
tended for  the  money,  with  the  Beekin  and  Bascom  horror- 
struck  jist  behind,  formed  a tabloo  wich  wuz  more  strikin  than 
pleasant. 

The  meetin  wuz  to-wunst  adjourned,  for  it  wuz  evident  to 
the  dullest  comprehenshen  that  nothin  more  coodent  be  done 
that  nite.  Es  yoosual  I failed  for  want  uv  capital.  Hed  I bin 
possesst  uv  the  paltry  sum  uv  five  dollars,  how  diffrent  wood 
hev  bin  the  result ! Perchance  we  may,  thro  that  defishency, 
lose  Kentucky.  It  must  never  occur  agin — my  salary  must 
be  raised.  I can’t  make  brix  without  straw. 

Joe  Bigler  met  me  next  mornin,  and  remarkt  that  he  regrettid 
the  occurrence,  ez  he  ardently  desired  to  see  the  two  races  a 
pullin  together.  The  fault,  Perfessor,”  sed  he,  “wuz  in  not 
managin  properly.  The  next  time  yoo  want  a ’spectable  nig- 
ger to  sit  on  the  platform  with  yoo  and  the  Deekin,  or  kiss  or 
embrace  yoo  — git  him  drunk.  He’ll  do  it  then,  probably  — 
I know  he  will.  Ef  he’s  drunk  enuff,  he’ll  hurrah  for  Johnson, 
and  it’s  possible  to  git  em  down  to  the  pint  uv  votin  with  yoo. 
Lord  ! how  whiskey  dr^gs  a man  down.  See  wat  it’s  brot  yoo 
to  ! ” and  the  insultin  wretch  rolled  off,  lafhn  boisterously. 
“ Git  em  drunk,  Perfesser  ! ” he  yelled  ez  long  ez  he  cood 
see  me. 

We  don’t  intend  to  give  it  up.  Bigler’s  advice  wuz  given 


412 


THE  CONNECTICUT  ELECTION. 


in  jest ; but,  nevertheless,  I shel  act  upon  it.  Whiskey  is  wat 
brings  white  men  to  us  ; and  ef  a white  man  kin  be  thus  cap- 
chered,  why  not  a nigger?  The  Afrikin  hezn’t  got  ez  far  to 
fall,  to  git  down  to  our  level,  and  it’ll  take  less  to  bring  him. 
Bascom  ordered  five  barrels  to-day,'  wich  1 spose  the  Adminis- 
trashen  will  pay  for.  We  hev  yet  the  Noo  York  Custom 
House,  and  more  uv  the  perkesits  must  be  yoosed  for  politikle 
purposes. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 


CXXXVII. 

THE  CONNECTICUT  ELECTION. 

Washington,  April  7,  1867. 

The  news  uv  the  election  in  Connecticut  created  the  most 
profound  sensashen  at  the  Corners.  It  cum  to  us  onexpected, 
like  a clap  uv  thunder  from  a clear  sky,  like  a gleam  uv  sun- 
lite  thro  a mass  uv  overpowriii  black  clouds,  or  like  the  first 
streak  uv  sunlite  in  the  mornin  after  a long  nite  uv  cholera 
morbus  with  no  brandy  in  the  house.  The  Corners  hevn’t 
experienct  sich  a satisfactory  spasm  uv  joy  sence  the  receet 
uv  the  news  uv  the  Fort  Piller  affair.  It  perdoost  a very 
singler  effect  on  Deekin  Pogram.  When  I-  told  the  news,  he 
wuz  engaged  a trying  to  convince  h nigger,  wich  formerly 
belonged  to  him,  that,  after  all,  the  Southerners  themselves 
wuz  the  only  ones  Avich  the  niggers  cood  trust ; and  that  when 
the  time  cum  for  em  to  exercise  the  ’lective  franchise,  ef  they 
hed  any  regard  for  their  oAvn  interests  they  wood  turn  their 
backs  on  the  Ablishnists,  who  avuz,  to  a man,  hory  headed 
deceevers,  and  trust  them  only  who  knowd  em. 

The  Democracy  carried  Connecticut  in  the  spring  of  1867  by  the  aid  of 
repeaters  from  New  York.  Tlie  result  was  received  by  the  South  as  evidence 
of  the  reaction  against  the  radicals  of  the  North,  for  which  they  had  been  so 
long  looking.  • 


A SUDDEN  CHANGE. 


413 


“ Samyooel,’^  sed  the  Deekin,  in  a afFecshiinit  tone,  with  one 
hand  on  the  nigger^s  shoulder,  “ why  shoodent  we  love  yoo  ? 
Yoo  are  bone  uv  our  bone,  and  flesh  uv  our  flesh — we  are  uv 
one  blood  — ’’  (this  remark  the  Deekin  got  into  a habit  some 
years  ago  uv  gittin  off  when  speekin  uv  the  Dimocrisy  North, 
and  alluz  uses  it.  It  is  ruther  effective,  tho  in  this  instance, 
ef  I hed  bin  in  his  place,  I shoodent  hev  slung  it  out,  owin  to 
the  pecooliar  construckshen  wich  mite  be  put  onto  it)  — and 
our  interests  is  one,  Samyooel.*’ 

Deekin,’’  sez  I,  interruptin  him.  Deekin  ! Connecticut 
hez  spoken  in  tliunder  tones,  and  hez  gone  Dimocratic  ! ” — 
Wat ! ” sez  he,  Dimocratic  ? ” 

Verily,”  sez  I.  A Governer,  and  three  Congressmen  out 
of  four.” 

Ther  wuz  a sudden  rupcher  uv  the  friendly  relashens  existin 
between  the  Deekin  and  Samyooel  the  dark  complexioned.  If 
he  Avuz  uv  the  Deekin’s  ffesh,  the  Deekin  wuz  in  favor  of 
mortify  in  it ; for  never  wuz  flesh  so  belabored  ez  wuz  that 
unfortunit  chattel’s.  The  flesh  wuz  imejitly  lasserated.  He 
pitched  into  him  feroshus  ; and  after  pummelin  the  astonished 
Afrikin,  who  didn’t  see  why  the  result  of  a eleckshun  shood 
work  sich  a change,  till  he  wmz  out  uv  breath,  he  condenst  wat 
strength  wuz  remainin  into  one  vigrous  kick,  exclaimin, — 
Take  that,  yoo  black  swindler.  I’ve  talked  sweet  to  yoo 
under  false  pretenses.  I’ve  bin  betrayed  into  wastin  soft 
sawder  onto  a nigger — into  coaxin  wher  I hev  a ondeniable 
rite  to  command  — into  — ” 

Wat  does  all  dis  mean  ? ” sed  the  nigger,  faintly. 

Mean  ! ” sed  I to  him ; my  frend,  this  is  the  reaction 
we’ve  heard  so  much  about  — it’s  arriv.  It  means  that  there 
is  a exceedinly  good  chance  uv  yoor  bein  redoost  agin  to  yoor 
normal  speer ; uv  yoor  comin  down  from  the  high  boss  yoove 
bin  a ridin,  and  uv  bein  agin  a servant  unto  yoor  brethren.  It 
means  that  Connecticut  hez  spoken,  and  that  yoor  a good  deal 
more  valyooable  to  us  now  than  yoo  wuz  a hour  ago.  Go,  my 
friend,  and  buy -salve  for  yoor  brooses ; for  unless  yoor  heeled 
yoor  valyoo  will  be  less  in  the  markit.  Yoo’d  be  ashamed  to 
sell  for  a low  price  — woodent  yoo  ? ” 

I left  the  Dimocrisy  jubilatin,  and  come  on  to  Washinton. 


414 


A CABINET  JOLLIFICATION. 


The  nite  I arrived  there  wuz  high  carnival  at  the  White 
House.  The  President  wuz  in  tall  feather.  There  wuz 
Connecticut  visible  all  over  him.  He  hed  a wooden  nutmeg 
for  a buzzum  pin  — a minatoor  bass-wood  ham  hung  from  his 
watch  fob,  and  in  honor  uv  the  occashun  they  wuz  drinkin 
punches  made  of  Noo  England  rum,  with  small  slices  uv 
Wethersfield  onyuns  in  em  insted  uv  lemons.  Randall  sprung 
toward  me  ez  I entered  the  room,  and  clasped  me  by  one  hand, 
the  President  by  tother,  and  we  then  — not  altogether  onlike 
the  three  graces  — embraced.  They  hed  the  advantage  uv 
me,  ez  they  hed  one  odor — the  onion  — wich  I hedent,  but  1 
stood  it.  Why  not,  when  that  odor  wuz  from  the  breaths  .of 
those  hevin  the  apintin  power?  I wood  hev  stood  it  hed  they 
bin  eatin  assafoetida. 

At  this  juncter  Sekretary  Welles  come  in. 

Ha  ! said  he,  why  this  unwonted  hilarity  ? why  this  joy 
wher  greef  generally  holds  her  courts  ? ’’ 

The  Connecticut  elecshun,’’  said  Seward. 

^‘0,  to  be  sure,’’  sed  the  venerable  old  man,  vacantly ; I 
remember.  Hawley,  wuz  it,  or  some  other  man  who  wuz 
elected  over  — over  — wat  wuz  his  name  ? — our  candidate  ? 
That  wuz  last  yeer  ! ” sed  Seward,  angrily. 

Well,  perhaps  it  wuz.  When  did  that  State  vote  agin  ? 
asked  he,  innocently,  to  wich  no  anser  wuz  given.  But  very 
little  attention  is  paid  to  Sekretary  Welles  by  any  one  ’ceptin 
Seward ; and  the  fact  that  he  occasionally  undertakes  to  keep 
him  postid  in  current  events  is  ginerally  taken  ez  evidence 
that  he’s  breakin  up.  It’s  evident  that  he’s  passin  into  his 
dotage. 

There  wuz  a pleasant  gatherin.  Cowan  wuz  ther,  and  Sauls- 
bury,  and  Garret  Davis,  and  Doolittle,  and  Seymour,  and  Brooks, 
and  congratulatory  letters  wuz  read.  John  C.  Breckinridge 
hoped  this  auspicious  event  wuz  the  beginnin  uv  good  feelin, 
pjresagin,  ez  he  trusted  it  did,  the  evenchooel  triumph  uv 
them  wich  he  hed  alluz  bin  proud  to  call  his  friends.  Mayor 
Monroe,  uv  Noo  Orleens,  hoped  that,  after  this  evidence  uv 
returnin  reason.  President  Johnson  wood  not  hesitate  to  re- 
move that  second  Butler,  General  Sheridan,  who  wuz  ojus  to 
every  friend  the  President  had  in  the  city  uv  wich  he  wuz 


JOLiFiCATioNS  AT  THE  White  House. — The  three  Graces.  Page  414. 


THE  REMOVAL  OF  THE  INSTITUTE. 


415 


lately  Mayor.  General  Wise  sent  bis  congratulasbens  ; but  ez 
they  okkepied  thirty*eight  pages  uv  legal  cap  paper,  closely 
written,  they  wiizn’t  read.  Mosby  sent  a allegoricle  pipe 
made  nv  a corn  cob,  onto  wich  wuz  carved  a symbolicle  nig- 
ger, with  the  American  eagle,  a clawin  vishiisly  into  his  wool, 
with  his  congratulations  ; and  Fernando  Wood,  and  Jesse 
D.  Brite,  and  Dan  Voorhees,  sent  tlieirn,  and  Vallandigham 
wanted  to  know  now  whether  or  not  the  President  wuz  a goin 
to  accept  the  situashen,  and  take  the  Dimocratic  party  to  his 
buzzum?  Ef  so,  he  hed  a list  uv  apintments  for  Southern 
Ohio,  wich  he  wished  made.  At  this  pint  the  question  arose 
whether  or  not  I hed  not  better  move  my  Classicle  and  Military 
Institoot  to  Connecticut  ? I am  a practicle  man,  and  I to-wunst 
asked,  ez  pertinent  to  the  question,  whether  or  not  ther  wuz  a 
distillery  in  Connecticut;  and  sekond,  whether  or  not  ther 
wuz  a vacant  post  offis  within  four  miles  uv  it. 

Sekretary  Bandall  replied.  He  woodent  hold  out  indoose- 
ments  that  he  coodent  fulfill.  He  wuz  honest.  Honesty  wuz 
his  best  holt  — simple,  childlike  strate-forwardniss  in  his  deelins 
in  poiitix  wuz  his  cheef  failin,  and  hed  well  nigh  been  his 
rooin.  The  first  query  wuz  easy  to  anser  — the  eleckshun 
returns  wood  indicate  to  any  man  uv  ordinary  intellek  that 
ther  wuz  distilleries  either  in  Connecticut  or  very  handy  to 
the  State  ; but  ther  wuz  no  Post  Offisis  to  spare.  To  carry  the 
State  every  wun  of  em  hed  bin  solemnly  promised. 

The  President  remarkt  that  he  reely  shoodent  think  that 
triflin  circumstance  wood  interfere  with  givin  uv  em  to  other 
men. 

At  this  pint  I broke  in.  I told  em  firmly  that  onless  I cood 
hev  a better  post  offis  than  the  wun  I hed,  I woodent  go.  I 
cood  go  and  cood  move  wat  there  is  uv  the  College  bildins. 
It  woodent  cost  much  to  pay  freight  on  that  corner-stun.  I 
spose  a better  one  cood  be  got  in  Connecticut  at  less  than  the 
cost  uv  transportin  it,  but  wherever  that  Dimocratic  College  is 
built  that  must  be  the  corner  stun  uv  it.  That  stun  is  hallowed. 
Ther  are  tender  assosiashens  hangin  round  it.  It  wuz  the 
corner-stun  uv  a nigger  school-house  wich  we  burnt  to  the 
ground  the  nite  we  heard  uv  the  veto  uv  the  Civil  Rites  Bill. 
But  I won’t  go  tp  Connecticut  onless  my  subsistence  is 


416 


A DEMORALIZED  YANKEE.  . 


asshoored.  Tlier  is  more  money  tber  than  in  Kentucky  ; but  I 
doubt  wliether  they  wood  support  me  ez  well.  I kin  under- 
stand why  a man  kin  be  a Dimocrat  in  Kentucky  — he’s  in- 
terested in  niggers.  I kin  appreciate  the  Dimocrisy  uv 
Suthern  Injeany,  IllinoiSj  and  Ohio,  coz  they  come  from  that 
region,  and  the  sekond  generashun  ain’t  got  to  be  voters.  I 
kin  understand  the  Dimocrisy  in  Heenan’s  and  Fernando 
Wood’s  deestricks,  but  pardon  me  — I want  to  keep  very  clear 
uv  Connecticut  Democrats.  A people  anywhere  in  Noo  Eng- 
land wich  kin  deliberitly  ally  theirselves  to  us  is  just  the  kind 
uv  people  I don’t  want  to  be  among.  I instinctively  mistrust 
a Yankee  who  hez  dickered  away  his  interest  in  Bunker  Hill. 
I hev  notist  that  a Noo  Englander  wich  comes  South  and 
married  an  old  maid,  or  a widder  with  a plantation,  wuz  never 
to  be  trustid ; and  it’s  my  experience  that  a demoralized 
Yankee  — one  who  hez  shed  his  early  trainin,  and  took  up 
anybody  else’s  moral  close  — is  about  the  meanest  specimen 
uv  a white  man  on  the  face  uv  the  green  earth.  He  hez  the 
acootnis  wich  is  born  uv  a barren  soil,  without  the  Puritanism 
to  keep  it  within  bounds ; he  possesses  the  ability  to  make  a 
livin  on  his  native  rox,  but  his  laziness  impels  him  to  a easier 
subsistence  in  milder  climes  ; and  instid  uv  fishin  for  mackrel 
he  goes  South  and  fishes  for  men.  A Noo  Englander,  unre- 
strained by  grace,  is  pizen,  and  I bleeve  Connecticut  is  full  uv 
em.  I hev  heerd  Massachoosits  religion  aboozed,  but  its  suthin 
wm  may  well  be  thankful  for.  I have  always  been  thankful  that 
the  Mayflower  brot  over  religion  ez  well  ez  brains  and  will. 

Among  the  Connecticut  Democrisy  I shood  stand  no  show ; 
and,  besides,  I hev  too  much  self-respeck  to  soshiate  with  em 
on  terms  uv  equality.  Instid  uv  foragin  on  them,  they’d 
manage  to  live  on  me.  I hev  lambs  to  sheer  in  Kentucky,  and 
I don’t  care  about  changin  em.  I don’t  want  to  throw  any  cold 
water  onto  this  festive  occasion,  it  bein  a element  we  all 
despise ; but,  hev  we  any  asshoorence  uv  her  continyooin 
troo  ? Ef  I understand  it,  we  won  by  means  uv  patronage, 
and  runnin  a War  Democrat  — a bein  I,  in  common  with  all  the 
troo  Democrisy,  despise.  We  can’t  do  it  agin.  The  next 
blast  that  sweeps  from  the  North  will  bring  to  our  ears  a story 
uv  another  kind.  One  swaller  don’t  make  a spring.  I hev 


THE  EUSSIAN  PURCHASE. 


417 


knowd  iiv  calves  being  born  with  two  beads.  This  election,  I 
fear  me,  is  one  nv  these  monstrosities  wich  Nacher  sometimes 
perdooses  to  show  what  she  is  capable  uv.  It  ain’t  normal.  I 
hev  no  objeckshnn  to  yoor  feelin  good  over  it  — it  rejoict  me, 
coz  it’ll  give  our  friends  South  courage,  and  may  skeer  the 
Kadicals  into  givin  us  better  terms,  but  — 

My  remarks  wuz  interrupted  by  Saulsbury,  who  hed  bin 
sureptitiously  drinkin  punch  with  the  ladle,  and  the  odor  uv 
the  onions  overcomin  him  he  rolled  under  the  table,  and  very 
shortly  thereafter  the  meetin  broke  up.  I leave  for  home 
to-morrer,  or  ez  soon  ez  I kin  draw  my  mileage. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likewise  Professor. 

CXXXVIII. 

THE  EUSSIAN  PUECHASE. 

Washington,  April  14,  1867. 

It’s  done  ! Seward  did  it  — him  and  me  ! The  American 
Eagle  hez  coz  now  to  screem  with  redoubled  energy.  Ef  the 
Nashnel  bird  wuz  a angel,  I shood  remark  to  it,  “ Toon  yoor 
harp  anoo  ; ” but  it  ain’t,  and  therefore  sich  a rekest  wood 
be  ridiculous.  This  rapsody  hez  refrence  to  the  Eoosheii 
purchis. 

The  idea  originatid  in  these  massive  intelleck.  When  I wuz 
here  afore,  the  Blairs,  all  uv  em,  wuz  a crowdin  the  sainted 
Johnson  for  a mishun.  Cowan 'wantid  a mishun,  and  so  did 
Doolittle  ; and  that  day  pretty  much  all  uv  the  delegates  to  the 
Cleveland  and  Philadelphy  Convenshens  had  bin  there,  wantin 
some  kind  uv  a place  ; wat,  they  wuzn’t  pertikeler.  One  gen- 
tleman, wdiose  nose  (wich  trooly  blossomed  as  the  lobster)  be- 
tokened long  service  in  the  party,  urged  that  he  hed  bin  a 

The  President  was  overrun  by  the  seedy  place-hunters  who  joined  his  faction 
in  hope  of  attaining  positions  they  never  could  get  otherwise.  The  Blair  fam- 
ily were  candidates  for  almost  every  prominent  position  in  the  government. 

27 


418 


A DANGEROUS  POSITION. 


delegate  to  both  Convensbens.  Thank  God  ! ” sed  Johnson. 

Wood  that  both  them  Convenshens  hed  bin  made  up  uv  the 
same  men.  I wood  then  hev  bin  bored  for  places  only  half  ez 
much  ez  I am.’’ 

I wuz  a helpin  liira  out  in  ray  weak  way.  When  the  crowd 
wantin  places  become  too  great  for  human  endoorance,  I wood 
say,  in  a modrit  tone,  Let’s  go  out  and  git  siithin  ; ” and 
to-wunst  fully  lialf  wood  exclaim,  Thank  yoo,  I don’t  keer  if 
I do  ! ” It  wuz  a great  relief  to  Johnson,  but  wuz  pizen  on 
me.  With  the  most  uv  em,  the  anguish,  anxiety,  and  solissitood 
in  the  gittin  uv  offises  and  free  drinks  wuz  about  an  ekal  thing. 
The  offisis  they  wantid  wuz  merely  the  means  to  that  pertikeler 
end  ; and  so  long  ez  they  wuz  gittin  the  latter  Avithout  the 
trouble  uv  the  former,  they  wuz  content.  A good  constooshen 
and  a copper-lined  stumick  carried  me  thro  this  tryin  ordeel, 
until  I came  across  a Boston  applicant,  avIio,  in  consekence  uv 
the  perhibitory  law,  hed  bin  for  some  time  on  short  fashens, 
and  wuz  keen  set,  Napoleon  hed  then  met  his  W^ellington, 
and  1 succumd.  The  man’s  talent  avuz  Avonderful. 

Sekretary  Seward  wuz  in  trouble  about  the  Blair  family. 
He  hed  did  his  level  best  for  em.  He  hed  appinted  em  to  Col- 
lektersliips  and  furrin  mishuns  ; but  the  crooel  Senit,  wich  hed 
no  respeck  for  us,  took  delite  in  fastening  uv  em  onto  us  by 
perpetooally  rejectin  em.  Jest  after  a long  siege  by  Mont- 
gomery and  tlie  old  man,  I sejestid  the  purchis  uv  the  Rooshen 
Territory,  to  Avich  not  only  they  cood  be  sent,  but  a thousand 
’uv  others  Avich  we  hed  on  our  hands ; and  the  Sekretary  avuz 
so  pleased  at  the  idea  that  he  wept  like  a child.  He  set  imejitly 
about  gittin  testimonials  ez  to  the  valyoo  uv  the  territory,  to 
inflooence  the  Senit  in  ratifyin  the  treaty  he  was  agoin  to  make. 
He  Avrote  to  a naval  officer  about  it,  Avho  answered  more 
promptly  than  I ever  knowd  a naval  offiser  to  do,  ez  fol- 
lows : — 

It’s  trooly  a splendid  country  ! The  trade  in  the  skins  uv 
Avhite  bears  kin  be,  if  properly  developed,  made  enormous. 
There  is  seals  there,  and  walruses  so  tame  that  they  come  up 
UA^  their  OAvn  akkord  to  be  ketched. 

P.  S.  — In  case  the  purchis  shood  be  made,  a naval  stashen 


TESTIMONIALS. 


419 


will  be  necessary.  May  I hope  that  my  long  services  on  the 
Floridy  Coast  will  prove  suffishent  recommendashen  for  the 
command  uv  the  depot  ? May  I ? 

I hev  the  honor  to  be/'  &c. 

A distinguished  Perfessor  wrote  : — ■ 

The  climate  is  about  the  style  uv  that  they  hev  in  Washin- 
ton.  The  Gulf  Stream  sweeps  up  the  coast,  causing  a decided 
twist  in  the  isothermal  line,  wich  hez  the  effeck  uv  making  it 
ruther  sultry  than  otherwise.  Anywheres  for  six  hundred 
miles  back  uv  the  coast  strawberries  grow  in  the  open  air.  I 
recommend  strongly  the  purchis. 

P.  S.  — In  case  the  purchis  is  made,  a explorin  expedishen 
will  be  necessary.  May  I hope  that  my  scientifhk  attainments 
are  suffishently  well  known  to  yoo  to  recommend  me  as  a proper 
person  to  head  the  expedishen  ? May  I ? 

I hev  the  honor  to  be,"  et  settry. 

The  President  wuzn’t  favorably  inclined.  He  wuz  full  uv 
the  old  fogy  idea  that  it  wuz  rather  chilly  there  than  otherwise. 
He  hedn’t  faith  in  the  Isothermal  Line,  and  wuz  skepticle  about 
the  Gulf  Stream.  It  wuz  his  experience  that  the  further  North 
yoo  got  the  colder  it  wuz.  For  instance,  lie  remarkt,  that 
wdiile  the  people  wuz  warm  toward  him  in  Virginny  and  Mary- 
land, last  fall,  they  became  very  cold  ez  he  got  North.  Wher 
wuz  the  Isothermal  Line  and  the  Gulf  Stream  then  ? 

Randall,  Avho  will  hev  his  joke,  remarkt  that  the  isothermal 
line  twisted.  He  notist  that  the  people  made  it  ez  hot  for  em 
ez  he  wantid  it  ez  fur  North  ez  Cleveland  j to  wich  Sekretary 
"Welles  replied,  that  it  only  confirmed  him  in  the  opinion  that 
for  platin  vessels  uv  war,  iron  wuz  preferable  to  pine  plank 
any  time. 

Seward  removed  the  President’s  objections  to-wunst.  He 
read  his  letters,  wich  set  forth  the  beauties  and  advantages  uv 
the  country  twict  over.  Here  wuz  whales,  and  walrusses,  and 
seals,  and  white  bears,  and  pine-apples,  and  wheat,  and  sea-lions, 
and  fields  uv  ice  the  year  round,  in  a climit  ezunild  and  equable 
ez  the  meridian  uv  Washinton.  The  isothermal  line  wuz  more 


420 


THE  REAL  POINT. 


accommodatin  ther  than  in  any  other  part  uv  the  world.  It 
cork-screwed  through  the  territory  so  ez  to  grow  fine  peaches 
for  exportation  to  the  States,  and  ice  to  the  Sandwich  Islands, 
side  by  side.  He  drawd  a picter  uv  the  white  bear  a rushin 
over  the  line,  and  disportin  hisself  in  fields  uv  green  peas  ! 
Imagine,  he  remarked,  the  delicacy  uv  polar  bear  meat  fattened 
on  strawberries  ; think  uv  the  condishn  the  sea-lions  must  be 
in  which  leave  their  watery  lairs  to  feed  on  turnips  wich  grow 
above  the  60th  parallel ; think  uv  — 

It  won’t  do,”  sed  the  President. 

“ Think  uv,”  retortid  the  Sekretary,  with  a quicknis  uv  in- 
tellek  remarkable,  think  uv  gettin  rid  uv  the  Blairs  forever  I ” 
Will  the  Ablishn  Senit  ratify  the  treaty  ? ” askt  Johnson, 
eagerly. 

“ I converst  with  many  on  the  subjick,  and  they  sed  ef  -we 
cood  promise  that  the  Blairs  would  accept  posishens  ther,  they 
wood  do  it  cheerfly.  For  sich  a purpose,  sed  one  uv  em  to  me, 
$7,000,000  is  a mere  bagatelle.” 

‘‘  Pll  do  it,”  sed  Johnson.  I agree  with  the  Senators  for 
once.  Rather  then  hev  it  fail,  Pd  pay  it  out  uv  Mrs.  Cobb’s 
share  in  our  jint  spekelashens.  Freedom  from  the  Blair  family  ! 
Good  Hevings  ! kin  one  man  be  so  blest  ? Is  ther  sich  in  store 
for  me  ? $7,000,000  ! Pish  ! ” 

My  opinyun  being  askt,  I give  it.  Ez  hefty  ez  the  vencher 
is  from  a commershl  stan-pint^  in  a politikle  pint  uv  view,  the 
advantages  will  be  still  heftier.  The  Rooshn  territory  will 
finally  be  the  chosen  home  uv  the  Dimocrisy.  Ther  is  already 
a populashen  there  adaptid  to  us,  who  kin  be  manipulated  with- 
out trouble,  and  the  climit  is  favorable  to  a strickly  Democratic 
populashen.  The  trouble  with  us  here  is  that  the  amount  uv 
likker  necessary  to  the  manufakter  uv  a Democrat  kills  him 
afore  he  hez  a opportoonity  uv  votin  many  times,  wich  keeps 
us  in  a perpetooal  minority.  Our  strength  is,  for  climatic  rea- 
sons, our  weaknis.  Far  diffrent  is  it  in  Roosha.  Ther  the 
happy  native  may  drink  his  quart  per  day  — the  bracin  atmos- 
phere makin  it  abslootly  nessary.-for  him.  Ther  is  the  troo 
Democratic  paradise.  How  often  hev  I sighed  for  sich  a coun- 
try. Then  again,  ther  are  posishens  uv  profit.  The  delegates 
to  Congriss  will,  ef  I hev  figgered  it  rightly,  draw  about 


THE  ASSIGNMENTS. 


421 


$15,000  per  session,  mileage,  w-icli  is  $30,000  per  year,  $60,000 
per  term.  He  coocl  afford  to  serve  without  the  paltry  $5,000, 
wich  wood  be  cheep  legislatin,  indeed.  ‘ 

x\nd  so  it  wuz  agreed  upon,  and  the  treaty  wuz  made  by 
telegraph  at  a expense  uv  $20,000.  Before  it  wuz  finely  con- 
clooded,  some  other  little  incidentals  wuz  inclooded  by  the  Zar, 
wich  run  the  .price  up  to  $10,200,000,  but  that  wuz  nothin  for 
us.  Seward  went  at  his  work  with  great  energy.  The  purchis 
wuz  divided  up  into  six  territories  (for  the  number  uv  delegates 
to  our  convenshuns  wuz  large,  and  they  all  hed  to  be  provided 
for),  wich  wuz  named,  respectively,  Johnson,  Seward,  Cowan, 
Doolittle,  Randall,  and  Welles.  For  the  one  in  the  extreme 
North,  the  furthest  off,  Frank  Blair  wuz  appinted  Governor ; 
for  the  next,  Montgomery ; and  the  next,'the  old  man,  and  the 
other  three  wuz  held  in  reserve  for  the  pure  but  unfortunate 
patriots  wich  might  be  hereafter  rejected  for  the  Austrian 
mishun.  A list  wuz  prokoored  uv  the  delegates  to  our  various 
convenshuns,  and  them  ez  hed  bin  martyred  by  the  Senit ; ther 
names  wuz  put  into  a wheel  ez  at  Gift  Enterprises,  and  the 
Judgeships,  Marshalships,  Clerkships,  et  settry,  wuz  drawd  by 
lot.  This  ijee  waz  sejested  by  Postmaster-General  Randall,  ez 
bein  the  easiest  way  of  doin  it.  He  statid  that  the  appintments 
from  his  department  hed  alluz  bin  made  in  this  manner,  ez  it 
saved  time  in  eggsaminin  petitions,  cirtifikets  uv  fitnis,  and  sich. 
In  this  way,  about  ez  near  ez  I kin  estimate,  two  per  cent,  uv 
those  claimin  posishens  at  our  hands  hev  bin  provided  for. 

The  idea  is  capable  uv  unlimited  extension.  The  Adminis- 
tration feelin  the  releef  it  hez  gin  em,  are  already  negotiatin 
for  the  British  Provinces.  This  territory  kin,  by  makin  uv  em  * 
a little  smaller,  be  divided  up  into  — say,  forty  — which,  by 
makin  a few  more  offises  for  each,  and  bein  libral  with  explorin 
expedishuns  and  sich,  will  be  sufficient  to  give  places  to  all 
who  really  have  claims  upon  ns  and  who  are  pushin  us. 

The  President  breathes  easier,  and  the  Secretary  is  placid 
ez  a Summer  mornin.  He  hez  cut  the  Gordian  knot ; he  hez 
relee ved  hisself  uv  the  boa  constrickter  wich  wuz  crushin  him 
in  its  folds.  Happiness  pervades  the  White  House. 

Pet-roleum  A".  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  likeAvise  Professor. 


422 


A SLIGHT  ALTERATION. 


CXXXIX. 

A SLIGHT  ALTERATION  IN  THE  NAME  AND 
POLICY  OF  MR.  NASBY’S  “ INSTITOOT.” 

Post  Oefis,  Confedrit  X Eoads  \ 
(wieli  is  in  the  Stait  uv ’Kentucky),  C 
April  22,  1867.  ) 

Times  changes,  and  men  change  jist  ez  fast  ez  times.  I 
shood  like  to  see  the  times  wich  kin  change  faster  than  I kin  ; 
but  this  last  shift  I hev  bin  forced  to  make,  ruther  took  my 
breth.  It  wuz  sudden.  The  Connecticut  eleckshun  didn’t  do 
us  much  good  after  all.  We  felt  well  over  it  for  perhaps  a day  ; 
but  ez  we  begun  to  git  other  indicashens  from  the  North,  we 
didn't  jist  see  how  that  little  spirt  wuz  agoin  to  help  us.  Cin- 
cinnati went  Ablishin  stronger  than  ever.  Chicago  ditto  ; and 
most  everywhere  the  Dimocratic  rooster  wuz  flattened.  The 
cabinet,  when  they  heerd  uv  Deekin  Pogram’s  assault  upon  a 
nigger,  on  the  receet  uv  the  intelligence  uv  the  election  news, 
notified  me  officially  that  a repetishen  uv  sich  loonacy  wood  be 
equivalent  to  a reseet  uv  my  resignation,  even  tho  the  post 
offis  shood  be  discontinyood.  The  nigger  vote  must  he  eap- 
cherd.  It^s  essenshel.  Wade  Hampton  sez  so^^  wrote  Randall 
to  me,  and  I reprimanded  the  Deekin  for  his  recklessniss,  and 
borrowed  four  dollars  uv  Bascom,  who  is  the  only  man  in 
the  vicinity  who  hez  any  ready  money,  to  make  it  all  rite 
Avith  him. 

We  held  a meetin  uv  the  Drecktors  and  Faculty  uv  the 
’Southern  Military  and  Classicle  Institoot  last  evening,  to 
decide  wat  course  that  instooshn  avuz  to  take  in  the  grate 
Avork  uv  surroundin  tlie  Ethiopian.  In  sich  a time  ez  this,  ez 
I menshened  to  Captain  McPelter,  it  Avon’t  do  for  our  insti- 
tooshuns  uv  learning  to  stand  back.  These  great  levers,  the 
molders  uv  public  opinion,  must  be  ez  progressive  ez  the  pro- 
gressiveist,  and  must  change  like  other  things  to  meet  the 
requirements  uv  tlie  times.  We  lieA^  commenst  our  'march 
into  Africa,  and  thus  far  hev  Ave  gone  into  the  boAvels  uv  the 
land  Avithout  impediment,  to  speak  uv  — let  us  persevere.  Let 
us  capcher  the  Ethiopian,  stink  and  all. 


HAM  AND  JAPHETH. 


423 


The  meetin  wuz  held  in  the  back  room  uv  Bascom’s,  owin  to 
the  fact  that  it  wuz  rainin,  and  the  roof  uv  the  Post  Offis  leaks. 
1 hed  an  appropriaslien  some  time  since  from  the  Department 
for  repairs  ; but  bein  in  doubt  whether  it  wuz  intended  for  re- 
pairs on  the  Post  Offis  or  the,  Postmaster,  I gave  the  prizner 
the  beneht  uv  the  doubt,  a,nd  got  a new  pair  uv  boots.  I cood 
better  endoor  the  slite  inconvenience  uv  occasional  rain  than 
to  go  barefoot. 

I made  a statement  uv  the  case,  and  sejested  a radical  change 
in  the  Institoot.  Captain  McPelter  agreed  with  me.  He  felt 
that  ther  hedn’t  bin  that  complete,  hearty  recognition  uv  our 
Afrikin  brethren  as  there  ought  to  be.  He  hed  on  several 
occasions  allowed  his  nateral  vivacity  to  git  the  better  of  his 
proodence,  and  hed  waded  into  em  alarmin.  The  old  ijee  of 
Ham  and  Hagar  and  Onesimus  hed  bin  so  drilled  into  him  in 
his  yooth,  that  he  hed  to  wrestle  witli  it  to  keep  it  in  control, 
and  in  spite  uv  himself  it  often  got  the  better  uv  him.  He 
sejested  that  the  name  uv  the  Institoot  be  changed  from  The 
Southern  Military  and  Classikle  Institoot,’’  to  “ The  Ham  and 
Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the  Development  uv  the  Intellek 
uv  all  Races,  irrespective  uv  Color.”  That  he  thought  would 
anser  the  required  end.  The  colored  men  who  choose  to  avail 
theirselves  of  the  priviliges  afforded  by  this  institooshn,  when 
it  is  finished,  kin  find  in  this  no  cause  uv  complaint.  They  are 
recognized.  They  are  given  the  precedence.  They  stand  first 
in  the  matter  and  foremost.  Wat  more  kin  they  ask  ? ” 

Bascom  hed  a series  uv  resolooshuns  wich  he  desired  to 
present.  He  sed  it  mite  be  looked  upon  ez  strange  that  he 
shood  favor  the  concentrashun  uv  free  niggers  at  the  Corners, 
but  he  hed  good  and  suffishent  reasons.  First,  he  hed  faith 
that  constant  contact  with  the  Board  wood  bring  em  to  the 
pint  uv  patronizin  his  bar;  but  ef  it  didn’t,  he  knowd  perfectly 
well  that  the  Board  and  Fakulty  wood  manage  to  git  all  they 
hed,  for  board  and  tooition,  Avich  he  wuz  perfectly  certin  he’d 
git  in  the  end.  Wat  he  Avanted  avuz  people  here  ; to  yoose  an 
illustration  borrered  from  his  biznis,  the  offishels  uv  this  Insti- 
toot AVUZ  the  tunnel  through  Avich  the  Avealth  uv  all  uv  em 
Avood  be  conducted  to  his  coffers.  I fell  onto  his  neck  in 
rapcher,  and  then  voAved  that  I avuz  willin  to  die  for  his 


424 


DECLARATORY  RESOLUTIONS. 


good  — that  I cared  not  how  much  uv  other  people’s  money 
run  through  me  to  him  ef  ’twas  thus  dilooted.  The  resoloo- 
shens  presented  read  ez  follows : — 

Resolved^  That  the  name  uv  the  Southern  ]\Iilitary  and 
Classikle  Institoot  be  changed  to  ‘ The  Ham  and  Japheth  Free 
Academy  for  the  Development  uv  the  Intelleck  uv  all  Daces, 
irrespective  uv  Color.’ 

Resolved,  That  in  makin  this  change,  we,  the  Board  uv 
Directors,  do  so,  assertin, 

1.  That  in  this  emergency  we  hre  justified  in  doubtin 
whether  Noer  got  tite  at  ail,  the  statement  in  the  Skripters  to 
that  effect  bein  ondoubtediy  an  error  uv  the  translators. 

“ 2.  That  ef  he  did  git  tite,  he  didn’t  cuss  Ham  at  all. 

3.  That  ef  he  did  cuss  Ham,  the  cuss  wuzn’t  intended  to 
extend  beyond  Canaan  at  the  furthest,  and  hence  his  descend- 
ants go  scot  free. 

4.  That  ef  the  cuss  wuz  really  and  trooly  intended  to 
attach  to  all  uv  Ham’s  descendants,  irrespective  uv  color,  to 
the  end  uv  time,  it  ain’t  uv  no  effeck  in  Kentucky,  ez  that 
State  hez  alius  run  irrespective  uv  .any  code,  ’ceptin  sich  ez 
hez  bin  adopted  by  her  Legislacher. 

5.  That  the  theory  that  the  nigger,  irrespective  uv  color, 
is  a beast,  is  a deloosion,  a snare,  which  we  hevalluz  practically 
held,  no  matter  what  we  may,  for  effect,  hev  sed,  ez  the  num- 
ber uv  mulattoes,  to  say  nothin  uv  them  still  farther  bleached 
in  Kentucky,  abundantly  proves. 

“ 6.  That  the  Ethiopian,  irrespective  uv  color,  is  trooly  a 
man  and  a brother;  and  the  female  Ethiopian,  also  irrespective 
uv  color,  trooly  a woman  and  a sister. 

Resolved,  That  this  Institoot,  whose  name  is  now  so  happily 
changed,  shel  be  conducted  upon  the  principles  uv  strict  ekality, 
irrespective  uv  color. 

Resolved,  That  when  we  reflect  that  the  bloated  aristocracy 
uv  England  interdoost,  and  the  early  settlers  uv  Massachoosets 
sankshund,  slavery  on  this  continent,  forcin  it  really  onto  us, 
we  bile  with  indignashun  towards  em,  and  kin  hardly  restrane 
ourselves. 

Resolved,  That  at  the  tables,  in  the  choice  uv  rooms,  and  in 


THE  deacon’s  doubt. 


425 


all  matters  where  there  is  a choice,  the  African  man  and 
brother,  irrespective  uv  color,  shel  hev  the  precedence. 

Besolved,  That  Oberlin  College,  by  not  givin  the  sons  iiv 
Ham,  irrespective  uv  color,  the  precedence,  shows  clearly  that 
it  is  actooated  by  narrer-minded  prejudice,  wich  deserves  the 
reprobashen  uv  every  lover  uv  his  kind. 

Resolved^  That  the  Ethiopian,  irrespective  uv  color,  kin 
change  his  skin,  and  that  his  oder,  ef  he  hez  any,  is  rather 
pleasant  than  otherwise. 

Resolved,  That  we  look  with  loathing  upon  the  States 
North,  wich,  alluz  professin  friendship  for  the  noble  black  man 
uv  the  cotton  fields,  refoose  to  take  him  to  their  buzzums, 
irrespective  uv  color. 

“ Resolved,  That  ef  Massachoosits  and  Vermont,  and  North- 
ern Illinois,  and  the  Western  Reserve  in  Ohio,  are  honest  in 
their  professions  uv  love  for  the  negro,  they  will  come  down 
with  donashuns  to  assist  in  the  completion  uv  the  Academy.” 

Deekin  Pogram  didn’t  know  about  all  this.  He  hed  bin 
edikated  in  Ham  and  Hager,  and  wuz  a bleever  in  Onesimus. 
He  doubted.  Sposen  after  all  this  concesion  the  nigger  shood 
play  off  onto  us  ? Sposen  he  shoodent  vote  with  us  after  all, 
bat  cling  to  his  Northern  friends?  Or  spose  he  shood  vote 
with  us,  and  we  shood,  thro  his  vote,  git  control,  wat  then  ? 
How  cood  we  redoose  em  to  tlier  normal  condition  agin  after 
all  this  palavrin? 

Bascom  replied  that  he  wuz  surprised  at  the  Heekin’s 
obtoosnis.  First,  ef  they  did  vote  with  the  Ablishnists,  we 
wuz  no  worse  off,  ez  that  wuz  wat  they  proposed  to  do  any 
how.  Ef,  on  the  other  hand,  they  didn’t,  what  then  ? The 
trouble  with  em  now  is,  they  know  too  much.  Let  em,”  sed 
Bascom,  warmin  up,  “let  em  associate  with  us  a year,  let  em 
vote  with  us,  et  cettry,  and  in  twelve  months  they’re  precisel}^ 
fitted  agin  to  be  servance.unto  their  brethren.  Look,”  sed  he, 
“ at  the  Northern  Dimocrasy,  and  see  to  what  we  may  hope  to 
bring  these  men  in  time.” 

But  little  more  bizness  wuz  transacted.  Beverly  Nash,  of 
South  Caroliny,  wuz  unanimously  called  to  a professorship;  and 
a young  gentleman  uv  color,  wdio,  from  his  strong  resemblance 


426 


A SERMON  KILLED. 


to  Elder  Gavitt,  ought  to  hev  biznis  capacity,  wuz  unanimously 
elected  a member  of  the  Board.  The  yoonyun  is  perfect. 
Ham  and  Japheth  hev  shaken  hands,  and  are  embracin  each 
other. 

May  prosperity  attend  the  nupchels,  and  may  the  isshoo  be 
fortunate.  I hev  got  over  the  disgust  attendant  upon  the  fust 
chill,  and  am  consekentty  feelin  well. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the 
Ham  and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the 
Development  uv  the  Intelleck  uv  all 
Races,  irrespective  uv  Color. 

CXL. 

MR.  NASBY  PREACHES  A SERMON,  THE  EFFECT  OF 
WHICH  IS  DESTROYED  BY  NORTHERN  PAPERS. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Poads  'y 
(wich  is  in  tlie  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  I- 
April  25,  1867.  ) 

We  are  in  trouble  down  here  with  these  cussid  niggers. 
They  are  harder  to  manage  than  pigs.  Pigs  don’t  express  ther 
pecoolyarities.  Mules  come  nearer.  Ther  is  sich  a method  in 
their  obstinacy — sich  a wilful  cussidnis,  that  I reely  hev  made 
up  my  mind  that  I don’t  understand  em  at  all.  They  cuddle 
up  to  us  ez  kind  ez  a bloomin  maiden  does  to  her  first  adored, 
and  they  fling  us  just  ez  natral  ez  that  same  guileless  maiden 
does  when  number  two  heaves  in  site.  They  behave  well  for 
a season,  aperrently  for  no  other  purpose  than  to  enjoy  our 
discomfiture  when  they  finally  throw  us.  I hev  bin  a gittin  a 
suspishen  thro  me  that  the}^  ain’t  half  ez  stoopid  ez  they  look  ; 
and  that,  after  all,  we  are  not  fur  from  the  trooth  when  we  say, 
in  our  resolooshens,  that  tliey  are  the  ekals  uv  the  whites. 
Why  shoodn’t  they  be  ? Why  shoodent  the  nigger  boy,  wich 
is  now  crossin  the  street,  wich  hez  Dcekin  Pogram’s  feechers 


THE  SERMON  ITSELF. 


427 


ez  like  ez  a photograff,  hev  ez  imicli  sense  ez  the  Deekin  ? I 
liev  egsamined  into  the  pedigree  uv  that  nigger,  and  1 find 
that  his  mother  hed  the  hawtiest  blood  uv  Virginny  coursin 
toomulchusly  thro  her  veins  — and  that  stock  the  Pogram  mix 
coodent  materially  depreciate  in  one  generashen. 

1 lied  the  niggers  uv  the  X Roads  handsomely  in  tow  up  to 
yisterday.  I hed  em  attendin  services  last  Sunday  at  the 
meetin-house,  and  by  private  arrangement  hed  em  seated 
miscellaneously  among  the  awjence.  Dekin  Pogram  hed  a 
wench,  wich  weighed  at  least  250  pounds  averdupoise,  atween 
him  and  his  wife,  while  four  other  niggers  ornamentid  his  pew. 
Bascom,  with  alacrity,  consented  to  three  ; and  Elder  Gavitt 
provided  seats  for  four.  It  wuz  a pleasant  site  ! White  and 
black  wuz  alternatid  like  the  spots  on  a checker-board  — nig- 
gers and  whites  wuz  spread  out  together  like  the  fat  and  lean 
in  pork  ; and  ez  I seed  it  I cood  hardly  restrane  my  emoshens. 
There  before  me  wuz  the  regenerashun  uv  the  Democratic 
party  — there  wuz  wat  wuz  to  bring  us  out  uv  the  valley  and 
shadder  uv  death  into  wich  we  hed  fallen,  up  on  the  high 
ground  uv  offishel  life.  I preached  that  day  from  two  texts, 
to  wit:  Uv  one  blood  did  he  make  all  the  nashens  uv  the 

earth, and  All  ye  are  brethren.”  I demonstrated  with  great 
fervor  the  loonacy  uv  the  idea  that  the  Almighty  wood  take 
the  trouble  to  create  two  or  more  races  when  one  wood  do  ez 
well  — wich  idea  is  alluz  well  receeved  in  this  region.  All 
men  form  their  idea  uv  tlie  Deity  from  themselves ; and  I 
never  knowd  a Confedrit  Cross  Roader  to  make  two  things 
when  one  wood  anser.  1 refuted  the  theory,  that  there  wuz 
more  than  one  head  to  the  race,  by  quotin  the  texts  wich 
treated  uv  the  creashen  uv  Adam  and  Eve,  and  demolished 
the  Ham  doctrine  at  site.  Ef,”  sed  I,  Noer  did  cuss  Ham, 
and  condemn  Canaan  to  be  a servant  unto  his  brethren,  how 
do  we  know  that  our  colored  brethren  and  sistren  is  the 
desendants  uv  Ham  and  Canaan  ? It  may  be  us  for  all  we 
know  ! Is  it  his  color  ? Is  not  black  jest  ez  convenient  a 
color  ez  white?” 

‘Olore  so,”  murmured  Mrs.  Pogram,  half  asleep,  ^^more  so 
— it  don’t  show  dirt.” 

“ Is  it  his  shape  ? 0,  my  brethren,  I ainT  a Irandsome  man, 


428 


THE  SCENE  AFTER  SERVICE. 


nor  wood  I exactly  anser  for  a model  for  Apoller.  Ef  beauty, 
or  comeliness,  or  shape,  is  to  decide  the  pint,  the  Lord  help 
ns  ! Is  it  his  smell?  The  New  York  World  asserts  that  the 
nigger  haio’t  no  smell,  and  ef  he  hez,  why  shoodent  he  hev  ? 
Standin  under  the  common  flag  uv  our  country,  with  his  hand 
upon  that  magna  cliarta,  the  Deklarashen,  and  his  beam  in  eye 
turned  exultinly  toward  our  nashnel  emblem,  the  eagle,  shall 
not  our  Afrikin  brother  be  allowed  to  smell  jist  ez  he  chooses  ? 
Ef  smell  must  be  uniform,  then  let  our  Government  establish  a 
Burow  uv  Perfoomery  to-wunst.  I take  high  religious  grounds 
in  this  matter.  Ef  he  hez  a natural  odor,  the  Lord  give  it  to 
him.  Let  us  not  fly  in  the  face  uv  the  Lord  by  condemin  it. 
Judge  not,  lest  we  be  judged.  The  odor  uv  the  colored  gen- 
tleman or  lady  is  the  work  uv  the  Lord  — the  odor  uv  yoor 
unwashed  feet  is  yoor  own  — wich  shood  stand  the  highest? 

I acknowledge  that  I hev  not  long  held  these  views.  I 
hev  shared  the  common  prejudis,  and  hev  contemned  our 
friends  uv  color ; I hev  despitefully  used  ’em  ; I hev  gone  for 
’em,  and  banged  ’em  like  old  boots.  But  it  wuz  becoz  I didn’t 
know  ’em.  I didn’t  see  the  kernel  of  meat  under  the  rough 
shell : I didn’t  recognize  the  glitrin  diamond  in  the  ebony  coal. 
My  eyes  hev  bin  opened.  Like  Saul  of  Tarsus,  I see  a lite. 
Sence  the  passage  uv  the  Military  Bill  I hev  diskivered  many 
things.  I hev  mostly  found  out  all  these  things  sence  that 
occurrence.  Let  us  accept  the  situashen,  and  bless  the  Lord 
that  it  hez  resultid  in  developin  excellences  where  we  didn’t 
expect  to  find  ’em.” 

There  wuz  an  affectin  scene  after  service  wuz  over.  Beekin 
Pogram,  Captain  McPelter,  and  Elder  Gavitt  shook  hands  with 
em  with  a degree  uv  corjality  I didn’t  expect.  They  develop 
a degree  uv  adaptability  to  circumstances  wich  I didn’t  look 
for.  I really  bleeve  if  I’d  a told  em  that  it  wood  hev  a good 
effeck  to  kiss  the  nigger  babies  all  round,  that  they’d  a done  it. 
But  I spared  em  this.  There  is  such  a thing  ez  laying  it  on 
too  thick. 

But  all  this  wuz  spiled  the  next  day.  There  wuz  ajieavy 
mail  that  day.  In  addition  to  the  paper  wich  Pollock,  the 
Illinois  storekeeper,  takes,  ther  wuz  eight  others ; and  to  my 
surprise  they  wuz  all  directed  to  niggers.  Wat  is  this?” 


'HE  NORTHERN  PAPER. 


429 


tliot  1 to  myself.  Hev  the  Ablishnists  uv  the  North  deter- 
mined upon  proselytin  these  men^  and  are  they  goin  to  flood 
this  country  with  their  incendiary  readin  ? Ez  a Federal 
officer  it’s  my  dooty  to  look  into  the  matter  ! ” Imagine  my 
delirious  joy  at  findin  that  they  wuz  Democratic  papers  from 
Noo  York  and  Ohio  ! ‘‘  Thank  Heaven  ! ” sed  I,  “ our  people 

hev  awakened  to  a sense  uv  the  necessity  uv  doin  suthin  ; ” 
and  I handed  the  papers  out  to  em,  exhortin  uv  em  to  read 
em,  ez  they  wuz  trootlp  and  nothin  but  the  trooth. 

I ruther  think  they  read  em,  for  from  that  time  out  they 
avoided  me  ez  though  I hed  the  plague.  Ef  I wuz  a goin 
down  the  street,  and  one  uv  em  wuz  a comin  up,  he’d  cross  the 
street ; and  the  pecoolyer  expression  uv  his  countenance  indi- 
catid  that  it  wuzn’t  my  majestick  presence  wich  awd  him. 
They  hed  loathin  depicted  on  their  classick  feechers.  Unable 
to  endoor  this,  I seezed  one  uv  em,  and  asked  why  I wuz 
treated  thus  ? 

Delibritly  he  pulled  out  uv  his  pockit  one  uv  them  cussid 
Northern  papers,  and  pintid  indignantly  to  a editorial  article. 
It  was  perfoosely  headed  in  this  wise : — 

Shel  niggers  vote? — Slid  the gjrowcl  Caucashen  he  redoost  to 
a ehality  with  the  disguslin  Afrikin  ? - — Is  this  a white  mail’s 
government  or  not  ? — Ameriky  for  ivhite  men  ! 

•Sed  this  Ethiopian,  with  his  fingers  on  this  headin,  ’Pears 
like  ez  ef  dah  wuzn’t  jist  dat  good  feelin  towards  us  colored 
men  on  de  part  ob  de  Dimoc’sy  ob  the  Norf  dat  dah  ought  to 
be.  ’Pears  like  as  dough  up  dah  wlia  de  niggah  ain’t  got  no 
vote,  dat  dey  don’t  intend  he  shel  hab  it.  ’Pears  like,  ef 
Dimoc’sy ’s  one  ting  all  ober  de  country,  dar’s  a cussid  site  ob 
humbug  a goin  on  down  h.eah  ! ” 

Wat  cood  I say?  Wat  cood  I do  ? There  it  wuz  in  black 
and  white  ; and  from  papers  whose  Dimocrisy  cood  not  be 
questioned.  I wuz  dumbfoundirl.  The  nigger  stalked  ha'^vtily 
and  proudly  away  in  one  direckshen,  while  I sneaked  off  ruther 
sneakinly  in  another. 

I liev  one  word  to  say  to  our  brethren  in  the  North.  Yoo’r 
dcublin  our  troubles,  and  makin  our  burdens  harder  to  bear. 


430 


DEATH  OF  ELDER  GAVITT. 


AVhy  havn’t  yoo  common  sense?  Wat  hurt  wood  nigger  suf- 
frage do  yoo  up  there  wher  ther  ain’t  no  niggers,  and  how 
much  wood  it  benefit  us  down  here  wher  ther’s  millions  uv 
em?  Can’t  yoo  see  it?  On  all  questions  heretofore  the 
Dimocrisy  hez  allowed  a liberal  license.  We  hev  bin  Free 
Trade  in  Noo  York  and  Tariff  in  Pennsylvany  the  same  year, 
and  we  cood  do  it.  Then  Dimocrats  didn’t  git  ther  asshoor- 
ences  from  papers,  owin  to  their  inability  to  perooze  em 
rapidly,  it  bein  so  long  afore  they  got  a word  spelled  out  that 
they  forgot  the  one  precedin  it,  wich  destroyed  the  continuity 
uv  the  narrative,  ef  I may  so  speak,  and  wat  we  told  em  really 
wuz  gospel.  That  won’t  do  with  the  niggers  down  here.  He 
reads,  he  does ; and  ef  he  don’t,  ther’s  alluz  everywhere  some 
sich  sneakin  cuss  ez  Pollock,  who  reads  for  him,  and  they  know 
wat  they  know  jist  ez  well  ez  anybody.  Let  em  stop  ham- 
merin  the  nigger.  It  won’t  do.  Ef  he’s  to  be  a man  and  a 
brother  here,  he  must  be  a man  and  a brother  there.  Ef  the 
Dimocrisy  must  hev  a race  to  look  down  on,  let  em  turn  their 
attenshun  to  the  Chinese  or  the  Injuns,  but  from  this  time  out 
the  nigger  is  sacred. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor  in  the 
Ham  and  Japheth  Free  Academy  for  the 
Development  uv  the  Intellek  uv  all 
Races,  irrespectiv  of  Color. 


CXLI. 

THE  DECEASE  OF  ELDER  GAYITT. 

Post  Orris,  CoNrEDRiT  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  C 
May  2,  1867.  ) 

A ELITE  hez  fallen  o^er  my  soul.  My  eyes,  albeit  unused  to 
the  meltin  mood,  hev  distilled  nothin  but  tears  for  twelve 
hours.  A Filler  hez  fallen  ! In  the  meetin-house  there  is  a 


BIRTH  AND  EDUCATION. 


431 


vacant  pew,  and  a chair  at  Bascom’s  is  without  a setter.  Last 
nite,  at  precisely  nine  P.  M.,  Elder  Abimileck  Gavitt  departed 
this  life. 

I weep  ez  1 write.  The  Elder  wuz  snufft  out  jest  ez  the 
flowers  uv  spring  wuz  cumin — jest  ez  the  weather  wuz  a 
gittin  warm  enough  to  go  barefooted — jest  when  it  wuznT 
nessary  to  bother  about  gettin  flre-vrood,  or  be  concerned 
about  feedin  the  stock  — jest  when  it  begins  to  be  comfortable 
a sittin  onto  the  grocery  stoop — jest  at  the  threshhold  uv  six 
months’  enjoyment.  Why  wuz  he  taken  ? Ekko  ansers.  The 
Avays  uv  Providence  is  inskrootable. 

Elder  Gavitt  avuz  a native  uv  North  Karliny,  wich  State  he 
left  in  the  blush  uv  early  manhood,  jist  after  he  wuz  married. 
Wat  he  left  North  Karliny  for,  I never  wuz  able  to  assertane 
percisely  ; but  I liev  understood  that  it  wuz  suthin  in  connec- 
tion with  a smoke-house,  and  the  hams  Avich  did  hang  therein. 
He  Avuz  in  a Whig  naberhood  — his  naber,  the  proprietor  of 
the  smoke-house,  avuz  a Whig  — ther  wuz  sum  hams  missed  — 
the  rinds  avuz  found  in  liis  possession — Whig  intolerance  and 
persekooshen.  Upon  sich  slite  evidence  he  avuz  adjudged 
guilty  of  theft,  and  avuz  ighominiously  rid  on  a rale,  and 
ordered  to  leave  the  country  in  tAventy-four  hours,  Avich  he  did, 
driftin  nat’rally  to  Kentucky.  Thank  Heaven  for  sich  out- 
rages ! But  for  sich,  Kentucky  Avood  either  hev  bin  a Repub- 
lican State,  or  Avood  hev  remained  unsettled. 

Elder  Gavitt  avuz  alluz  a Democrat  uv  the  strictest  sect. 
He  Amted  for  Jackson,  and  reglerly  for  every  Democratic  candi- 
date sence.  He  didn’t  read  Amry  much  ; indeed,  he  coodent 
do  it  all  all,  and  avuz,  consekently,  stedfast  in  the  faith.  He 
Avuzn’t  shook  about,  and  driven  hither  and  yon  by  every  Avind, 
but  remained  thro  life  fast  in  the  groove  into  wich  he  hed  bin 
origenelly  sot.  His  politikle  creed  avuz  made  up  uv  this  one 
idee,  to  Avit : Hatrid  uv  Noo  England.  He  hatid  Noo  England 
becoz  Noo  England  hatid  AAdiiskey,  Avich  he  coodent  git  along 
Avithout,  and  slavery,  uv  wich  he  hed  a hundred  niggers.  He 
votid  agin  Noo  England  all  his  life  reglerly,  and  ez  many  times 
on  each  eleckshen  day  ez  he  cood,  Avithout  risk. 

My  acquaintance  Avith  the  deceest  commenst  about  three 
years  ago.  It  avuz  at  his  house  I stopt  on  my  advent  into 


432 


THE  CAUSE  OF  HIS  DEATH. 


these  parts.  Ther  wuz  no  need  uv  formal  introdnckshens  — 
ther  wuz  already  a bond  atween  us  wich  knit  our  souls 
together.  His  eye,  ez  it  lit  onto  my  nose,  lighted  up  with  a 
smile  ; and  ez  I gazed  on  hizzen,  I felt  that  he  wuz  indeed  a 
man  and  a brother.  He  took  me  in  — he  sheltered  me  — he 
gave  me  whereof  to  eat  and  to  drink  and  to  make  merry,  and 
with  him  1 tarried  till  I wuz  reglerly  installed  ez  paster  uv  the 
Church,  and  thereby  reglerly  provided  for. 

The  cause  uv  the  Elder’s  death  wuz  a broken  heart.  He 
wuz  a ardent  Confedrit,  and  manfully  bore  up  under  the 
reverses  of  the  war.  His  courage  wuz  unshaken  doorin  the 
repeated  successes  uv  the  Federal  armies  ; and  even  when 
emancipation  deprived  him  uv  his  slaves,  he  still  hed  faith 
that,  evenchooally,  all  wood  be  well.  ‘^We  may  be  beeten 
now,”  wuz  his  constant  remark,  ‘^but  the  Northern  Dimocrisy 
are  all  right,  and  thro  them  we’ll  yet  conker  ! ” Confidin  in 
em,  bleevin  in  em,  he  held  out  up  to  the  passage  uv  the 
Military  Reconstruckshen  Bill. 

I then  saw  a change  steal  iu sensibly  over  my  venerable 
friend.  His  head  bowed  with  supprest  grief — his  bosom 
throbbed  with  the  emoshen  that  wuz  strugglin  for  uttrance. 
He  wood  come  over  to  my  ofiis  five  or  six  times  a day,  and  ask 
me  to  read  him  that  passage  uv  the  law  givin  the  nigger  the 
ballot.  I wood  do  it,  when,  without  sayin  a word,  he  wood 
reel  off,  with  tears  flowin  down  his  wasted  cheeks,  to  Bascom’s. 
I wood  toiler  him,  to  see  that  no  harm  came  to  him.  The  old 
man  wuz  so  broken  that  he’d  pay  for  his  own  likker  and  mine 
too,  without  noticin.  Fearin  to  awaken  unpleasant  emoshens 
in  his  mind,  I never  menshened  the  latter  circumstance. 

Things  grev7  worse  with  him.  When  Randall  wrote  to  me 
to  consiliate  the  niggers,  the  old  man  obeyed  without  a murmur. 
Democrisy  wuz  his  first  idea,  and  he  obeyed  her  behests,  tho 
’twuz  consoomin  his  very  sole.  He  shook  hands  with  niggers, 
tho  the  touch  wuz  ez  red  hot  iron ; he  took  two  uv  em  into  his 
pew,  tho  his  promoxity  to  em  set  him  a shakin  like  the  ager; 
and  he  votid  to  change  the  name  and  objects  uv  the  Institoot, 
tho  the  convulsive  workins  uv  his  face  showd  wat  the  struggle 
cost  him. 

Hay  by  day  the  Elder  faded.  The  iron  entered  his  sole,  and 


THE  SAD  EVENT. 


433 


it  wiiz  eatin  him  up  by  degrees.  He  walked  the  streets 
listlessly,  his  eyes  suffoosed  with  tears,  and  his  lips  movin  ez 
ef  mutterin  suthin  to  hisself.  I become  concerned  for  him, 
and  so  did  the  entire  cirkle.  Bascom  hggered  up  his  akkount 
at  his  bar,  and  went  to  the  records  to  see  whether  his  farm  wuz 
unencumbered,  and  sich  uv  the  neighbors  ez  bed  lent  him  small 
sums  sot  about  gittin  em. 

Last  Sunday  the  pitcher  went  to  the  Avell  for  the  last  time. 
I hed  four  niggers  in  his  pew,  upon  whom  he  looked  vacantly, 
but  sed  nothin.  After  servis,  I stopped  him.  Elder,’’  sez  I, 
in  a whisper, it  wood  hev  a good  effeck  ef  yoo  cood  kiss  them 
little  nigger  girls.” 

Parson  ! ” sed  he,  tremblin  like  a leaf,  ‘‘  is  it  absolootely 
necessary  ? ” 

It  is  the  dooty  uv  evry  Dimokrat,  in  this  crisis,  to  kiss  ez 
many  nigger  children  ez  possible.” 

A strange  expression  lit  up  the  old  man’s  countenance.  In 
a frenzied  manner  he  kissed  all  there  wuz  in  the  church,  and 
comrnenst  on  the  adult  females  uv  that  persuasion.  With 
difficulty  we  restrained  him';  but  breakin  loose  from  us,  he 
startid  down  the  street,  a runnin  down  and  kissin  every  nigger 
child  his  eyes  restid  on.  Finally  he  sunk  to  the  erth  eggs- 
austid,  and  we  bore  him  to  his  house  and  put  him  to  bed. 
From  that  bed  he  never  ariz.  He  wuz  a goner.  We  hed  to 
give  him  his  likker  in  a spoon,  and  I never  knowd  a Kentuck- 
ian to  recover  who'  wuz  past  drinkin  out  uv  a bottle.  Slowly 
his  strength  wasted.  Yesterday  he  rallied  and  asked  for  me. 

Perfesser  ! ” sed  he,  with  an  effort,  is  Kentucky  to  rool 
the  niggers,  or  the  niggers  to  rool  Kentucky?  Has  Dimoc- 
risy  swallered  the  nigger,  or  the  nigger  swallered  the 
Dimocrisy  ? ” 

And  all  wuz  o’er  ! He  fell  back  a piece  uv  clay,  wich  never 
cood  rally  to  the  poles  agin. 

Bascom  and  I turned  aside  and  wept.  Sed  Bascom,  Hed 
he  lived  two  years  more  I wood  hev  hed  his  farm.” 

“ Not  any,”  sed  I,  bustin  into  teers.  I wood  hev  hed  it  to 
endow  the  Institoot.” 

“In  that  event  it  wood  evenchooally  hev  bin  mine,”  gasped 
Bascom,  relapsin  into  a fresh  spasm  uv  grief. 

28 


434 


THE  FUNEEAL. 


We  buried  him  yesterday.  It  wuz  the  biggest  funeral  ever 
knowd  at  the  Corners.  It  wuz  a tetchin  site.  Standin  around 
his  bier,  wuz  his  four  children  by  his  first  wife,  and  his  six 
children  by  his  second  wife,  and  twelve  or  fifteen  other  chil- 
dren uv  all  colors,  from  that  uv  a new  saddle  up  to  dark 
molasses,  who  insisted  upon  bein  counted  in  ez  mourners.  It 
wuz  the  tightest  place  I wuz  ever  in  in  my  life. 

My  friends,’’  sed  I to  em,  is  this  seemly  ? Is  this 
proper  ? ” 

They  replied  that  it  wuz.  I mourn  a father,”  sed  one  ; 
not  much  uv  a father,  but  he  wuz  the  only  one  I ever  had.” 
I mourn  a husband,”  sed  the  mother  uv  the  first  speaker,  not 
legally  a husband,  but  morall}^,  or  rather,  immorally.”  We 
weep,”  sed  all  these  various  shades  in  korus,  and  they  bustid 
out  into  a torrent  uv  greef  wich  completely  extinguished  them 
on  the  tother  side  uv  the  grave,  wich  hed  the  legal  rite  to 
mourn. 

Ez  a matter  uv  coarse,  it  ended  in  a row.  Issaker  Gavitt 
swore  that  no  cussid  bleached  niggers  shood  shed  teers  at  his 
father’s  funeral ; and  Arnandy  flew  at  a quadroon  wich  wuz 
cryin  too  prominently,  and  Mrs.  Gavitt  attacked  the  quadroon’s' 
mother  who  wuz  displayin  altogether  too  much  white  pockit 
handkercher.  In  the  melee  I left,  satisfied  that  Dernocrisy  hez 
altogether  too  many  rough  pints  to  git  over  pleasant. 

I feel  it  my  dooty  to  erect  a monument  to  the  memory  uv 
this  good  and  troo  man  — this  martyr  to  Dernocrisy.  Demo- 
krats,  feelin  an  interest  in  the  matter,  and  wishin  to  contribute 
to  the  work,  may  send  by  mail  sich  donashens  ez  they  see  fit, 
to  me,  with  perfect  confidence  that  they  will  be  yoosed. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor. 


THE  RELEASE  OF  JEFFERSON  DAVIS. 


435 


CXLII. 

TRIUMPHAL  PROGRESS  OF  J.  DAYIS  FROM 
FORTRESS  MONROE  TO  RICHMOND. 

The  “ Spottswood,”  Richmond,  Va.,  ) 
May  13,  1867.  | 

In  castin  a retrospective  glance  backerd  over  the  pathway  nv 
the  past,  I kin  see  many  mistakes  wich  I hev  made.  I hevn’t 
alluz  made  the  most  nv  opportoonities  — I hev  doubted  when 
doubtin  wuz  a crime,  and  I hev  stood  shivrin  on  the  brink  and 
feared  to  launch  away,  when  on  the  tother  side  uv  the  Jordan 
wuz  pelf  and  profit.  Our  foresite  isnT  alluz  ez  good  ez  our 
hind-site.  The  great  error  uv  my  life  wuz  not  plungin  head- 
long into  the  war  ez  a Confedrit  Major-General,  distinguishin 
myself  for  crooelty  to  Fedral  prizners,  and  bein,  at  the  close 
uv  the  fratrisidle  struggle,  reseeved  and  embraced  ez  a long- 
lost  brother  by  the  Northern  people  (lettin  em  kill  fattid  calves 
for  me),  and  uv  coorse  bein  the  objeck  uv  sympathy  ez  a 
martyr  by  the  Southern  people.  In  this  sitooashen  a man 
brings  to  his  support  the  two  extremes.  He  fetches  together 
Horris  Greely  from  the  one  side,  and  General  Boregard  from 
the  t’other  — they  embrace,  and  standin  onto  both  their  shol- 
ders,  he  hez  wat  may  be  called  a soft  thing  uv  it. 

I wuz  led  into  these  train  uv  reflections  by  the  experience  I 
hev  heel  with  our  sainted  cheef,  Jefferson  Davis.  I wuz  sent 
hither  by  the  President  to  see  that  everythin  wuz  done  for  the 
comfort  uv  the  illustrious  man  that  cood  be  done,  on  the  occa- 
sion uv  his  contemplatid  trip  to  Richmond.  Partikelerly  I wuz 
charged  to  see  that  everything  calkelatid  to  jar  onto  his  sensi- 
tive feelins  be  removed  — everythin  wich  cood  wound  his 
sense  uv  hearin,  seein,  or  smellin. 

The  grate  man  had  consentid  to  go.  He  hed  bin,  he  felt, 
illegally  deprived  uv  liberty  — unconstooshnelly  in  fact  — and 
ef  he  shood  consult  his  own  feelins  he  wood  remane  ; but  to 


The  deference  shown  to  .Je^erson  Davis  is  fairly  stated  in  the  text.  He  was 
treated  by  the  government  more  as  a martyr  than  as  a criminal. 


436 


THE  PERFECT  ARRANGEMENTS. 


forgive  wuz  divine.  Yiewin  these  perceedins  in  the  lite  uv  an 
apology,  he  wood  go. 

The  day  hed  arrived.  The  steamer  wuz  at  the  Fortress 
carefully  prepared  to  receive  its  illustrious  burden.  It  hed 
been  thoroughly  cleaned  and  fumigated,  the  cabins  hed  bin 
nooly  turnisht,  and  speshel  alterashens  made  for  the  President 
and  party.  Ther  wuz  Yoonited  States  officers  aboard : but  out 
of  respeck  for  the  feelins  uv  their  illustrious  prizner,”  ez  he 
is  technically  called,  they  kept  theirselves  out  uv  his  site,  that 
their  uniforms  might  not  awaken  onpleasant  refleckshens.  So 
perfeck  wuz  the  arrangements,  that  the  railin  uv  the  boat, 
originelly  bloo,  wuz  kivered  with  gray  cloth,  and  the  eagle 
figger-head  uv  the  craft  wuz  sawed  off.  This  wuz  sejested  by 
a eminent  Conservative  uv  Noo  York,  who  hez  a large  South- 
ern trade  wich  he  didn’t  prejoodis  by  his  course  doorin  the 
war.  The  ladies’  cabin  wuz  originelly  assigned  to  the  party  ; 
but  a female  passenger  hed  no  more  regard  for  the  comfort  uv 
the  marter  than  to  die  on  the  passage,  and  they  were  deprived 
uv  it.  The  conservative  merchant  insisted  that  the  corpse  be 
chucked  overboard  ; but  Mr.  Davis,  with  a magnanimity  charac- 
teristic uv  him,  refoozed.  No,”  sed  he,  let  her  rest  there. 
I kin  endoor  the  inconvenience,  severe  ez  it  is.  It  is  but  one 
more  attempt  to  break  my  sperit.” 

All  the  way  up  the  most  techin  deference  wuz  shown  him. 
At  every  landin  the  people  assembled  to  greet  him,  wich  he 
acknowledged  with  a condesenshen  I never  saw  before.  He 
conversed  but  little  on  the  passage.  Ez  the  boat  wuz  passin 
pints  made  historicle  by  the  events  uv  the  great  struggle,  his 
eye  wood  brighten,  ef  they  wuz  sich  pints  ez  a Confedrit  cood 
take  pride  in,  and  dim  with  teers  ef  they  wuz  pints  at  wich 
ther  had  bin  reverses. 

The  most  considrit  preparashens  hed  bin  made  for  his  resep- 
shen.  Ther  wuz  no  irons  onto  him : the  only  guards  in  site 
wuz  them  wich  wuz  detailed  to  keep  the  crowd  from  annoyin 
him,  and  a carriage  wuz  in  readiness,  into  wich  we  wuz  driven 
off  at  a dignified  pace  to  that  resort  uv  the  aristocracy  uv 
Virginny  — the  Spottswood.  Here,  more  considerashen  wuz 
shown.  Mr.  Davis  bein  averse  to  walkin  up  stairs,  a suit  uv 
rooms  hed  bin  prepared  for  him  on  the  fust  floor,  and  the 


SYMPATHY. 


437 


presence  nv  the  officer  in  charge,  bein  obnoxshus,  he  wuz 
assigned  by  the  Ex-President  a room  at  the  further  end  uv  the 
corridor.  . His  nerves  bein  sensitive,  heavy  mattin  wuz  laid 
down  in  all  the  halls,  and  the  servants  uv  the  house  wuz 
directed  to  wear  list  slippers,  and  to  walk  on  their  tiptoes. 

I wuz  invited  to  his  room,  and  wuz  favored  with  a few 
minutes’  conversashen  with  the  first  of  Amerikens.  Glancin 
out  uv  the  winder,  his  fine,  soft,  gray  eyes  restid  on  the  roof 
uv  Libby.'  Lies  ! lies!”  sed  he,  angrily. 

Wat  speshel  lies  hev  yoo  reference  to  ? ” askt  I. 

“ Them  wich  wuz  publish t in  the  scurrillous  reports  uv  the 
Committees  uv  a iinconstooslmel  Congris  regardin  the  treat- 
ment uv  prizners  in  Libby.  They  asserted  that  the  officers  died 
becoz  they  lied  but  ten  feet  by  two  for  sleepin,  washin,  cookin, 
and  eatin.  They  hed  that  space,  and  wat  more  wuz  necessary? 
Why  give  ’em  room  to  cook  when  they  hedn’t  anythin  to  cook  ? 
Wherefore  room  to  eat  ef  they  hedn’t  anythin  to  eat  ? No,  its 
false.  It  wuzn’t  the  crowdin  that  perdoost  the  mortality.” 

Only  wunst  wuz  his  buzzum  wrung,  and  that  the  Govern- 
ment cood  not  prevent.  He  wuz  a standin  at  the  winder,  gazin 
out  upon  Eichmond,  his  mind  revertin  to  the  time  when  it  wuz 
the  Capital  uv  his  Confedracy,  when  a procession  passed  Avith 
moosic,  and  flags,  and  banners.  With  a shreek  uv  anguish  he 
buried  his  head  in  the  curtains,  and  wept  aloud.  It  avuz  ez  I 
feared.  Filin  sloAvly  by  avuz  a percession  uv  niggers.  Mer- 
ciful Heaven  ! ” sed  he,  hez  it  come  to  this  ? ” and  he  avuz 
reserved  and  deprest  all  day. 

The  next  day  the  President  avuz  taken  to  the  Court.  Ez  he 
entered  the  room,  and  glanced  proudly  over  the  awjence,  it 
Avood  hev  bin  very  difficult  to  hev  decided  whether  he  wuz  a 
goin  to  try  the  Court  or  the  Court  him.  But  repressin  hisself 
he-  took  his  seat.  Tetchin  solissitood  avuz  displayed  in  the 
Court  Room  for  his  comfort.  A crack  in  the  Avinder-casin  let 
in  a draft  uv  cold  air ; he  shuddered,  and  a shudder  run  thro 
the  entire  assemblage.  The  shudder  uv  the  Conservati\m 
merchant  uv  Noo  York  wuz  trooly  artistic.  Cotton  avuz  called 
for,  when  the  Conservative  merchant’s  Avife  tore  off  one  uv  her 
buzzums  and  stufft  the  apertoor.  Wuz  ther  ever  more  tetchin 
sacrifis  ? The  President  wept  ez  he  beheld  it.  On  assertanin 


438 


OUT  ON  BAIL. 


the  temperatoor  wich  best  sootid  his  system,  a thermometer 
wuz  brot,  and  the  room  wiiz  kept  at  that  precise  degree. 

There  waz  sum  triflin  legal  formalities,  and  the  President’s 
counsel  made  a motion  that  he  be  admitted  to  bail.  There 
Avuz  a stir  in  the  Court.  Make  it  a million  ! ” sed  one,  so 
that  the  craven  North  shel  see  how  we  kin  take  keer  uv  them 
we  love  ! ” But  Judge  Underwood  fixed  it  at  $100,000,  and, 
brisk  ez  bees,  a Noo  York  Dimocrat,  several  Richmond  Dimo- 
crats,  and  Horris  Greely,  slept  forrerd  and  signed  it. 

Never  shel  I forgit  the  shout  that  assendid  ez  Horris  wuz  a 
signin  his  name. 

Three  cheers  for  Jeff’son  Greely  and  Horris  Davis — one 
and  inseprable,  now  and  forever  ! ” shoutid  one  enthoosiastic 
Confedrit. 

Immortality  is  yoors  ! ” sed  another.  “ Jeff ’son  Davis  is 
the  big  dog  uv  the  age,  and  yoo,  my  deer  sir,  are  now  the  tin 
kittle  tied  to  liis  tale!  Wat  joy!  When  posterity  speeks  uv 
Him,  they’ll  speek  uv  Yoo  ! ” 

I coodent  restrane  myself  no  more.  Bustin  into  teers,  I fell 
onto  Greeley’s  buzzum,  and  we  embraced.  Ez  he  hedn’t  his 
specticles  on,  he  sposed  it  wuz  Davis  hisself,  and  he  bustid  into 
teers  also,  and  there  wuz  wun  uv  the  most  strikin  tabloos  ever 
exhibited.  I got  away  afore  he  diskivered  his  mistake. 

Here  wuz  the  endin  uv  our  troubles  — tlie  consummashen 
uv  our  hopes.  Davis  wuz  free  ! The  pent-up  emoshens  uvthe 
people  found  vent.  Ez  he  stept  into  the  street  the  people 
crowded  to  the  carriage,  and  rent  the  air  with  cheers.  We 
reached  the  hotel,  and  after  embracin  his  wife,  a season  of 
religious  exercises  wuz  held.  The  clergyman  wdio  hed  excloo- 
sive  charge  of  Davis’s  piety  doorin  the  w^ar  offered  prayer.  He 
prayed  fervently  that  the  Lord  wood  forgive  the  people  of  the 
North  for  the  wrong  they  hed  done  our  sainted  head  ; that  Jie 
wood  forgiv,  ef  possible,  the  late  head  uv  the  Fedral  Govern- 
ment who  hed  opposed  him  and  the  glorious  coz ; and  ef 
Divine  mercy  cood  stretch  so  far,  that  he  wood  forgive  the 
Colonel  uv  Michigan  cavalry  which  hed  hunted  down  the  Saint 
’‘-who  wuz  now  in  our  midst.  He  prayed  for  forgiveness  for  the 
reckless  men  of  the  North  who  invaded  Yirginny ; for  the 
noosepapers  wich  hed  aboozed  him  who  is  now  with  us,  and 


Three  Cheers  for  Jefferson  Greeley.  Page  438, 


i ■ 


'%■ 


439 


ilit  sli't 

v_> 

THE  TRIP  TO  RALEIGH. 

particklerly  Horris  Greely,  who  bed  in  some  measure  atoned 
for  his  previous  wickidness.  He  prayed  that  blessins  might 
rest,  first,  upon  the  city  uv  Richmond,  then  upon  the  balance 
uv  Virginny,  and  afterward  upon  the  other  Southern  States ; 
and  he  wound  up  with  a fervent  appeal  that  the  Ethiopians, 
wich  coodent  change  their  skins,  might  see  the  error  of  their 
ways,  and  return  to  their  normal  condishen. 

I am  not  permitted  to  give  more  uv  the  President’s  plans 
than  this  : He  will  remain  in  secloosion,  and  will  take  no  part 
watever  in  politics  until  after  his  final  acquittal  in  November. 
He  don’t  feel  at  liberty  to  take  hold  uv  the  Government,  so 
long  ez  ther  is  even  a technikle  charge  agin  him.  . Our  friends 
in  the  Northern  States,  who  expected  him  to  take  the  stump  in 
their  behalf  this  fall,  will  be  disappintid. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor. 


CXLIII. 

AN  ACCOUNT  OF  THE  TRIP  TO  RALEIGH. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads, 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 

June  10,  18G7. 

I ACCOMPANIED  the  President  to  Rawly.  The  President, 
doesn’t  feel  safe  at  goin  anywhere  without  me  to  arrange  the 
details,  and  do  the  nice  hnanceerin  wich  is  necessary. 

The  Rawly  trip  wuz  the  occasion  of  a serious  truble  in  the 
Cabinet.  The  President  wuz  in  favor  uv  it.  Ez  he  sed,  he 

Senator  Wilson,  of  Massachusetts,  Representative  Kelley,  of  Pliiladelphia, 
and  other  prominent  Republicans,  in  1867  made  the  tour  of  the  Southern  States, 
delivering  addresses  in  the  principal  cities.  To  neutralize  the  effect  of  their 
speaking  President  Johnson  determined  to  follow  them,  and  the  laying  of 
tlie  corner-stone  of  a monument,  tio  the  memory  of  his  father,  who  died  in 
Raleigh,  N.  C.,  many  years  before,  was  made  tlie  occasion  therefor.  Mr. 
Nasby ’s  account  of  tlie  trip  is  but  little  exaggerated.  It  was  as  exquisitely 
absurd  as  the  great  Chicago  excursion. 


440 


THE  DISCUSSION. 


wuz  essensbelly  uv  a filial  persuasion.  He  bed  alluz  experienced 
a most  consoomin  love  for  bis  parents,  partickelerly  for  them 
on  bis  father’s  side.  He  bed  swung  around  tbe  entire  cirkle 
uv  offisbel  honor,  and  bed  found  traitors  on  all  sides ; but  he 
cood  lay  bis  band  on  his  heart  and  say  that  he  bed  never 
knowed  a troo  man  but  who,  at  some  period  uv  his  life,  bed  a 
father.  Why,  then,  shood  we  not  honor  our  fathers  ? How 
could  it  be  better  dun  than  by  layin  corner-stuns  ? His  father 
deceest  in  1812,  and  it  wu2  time  that  this  dooty  wuz  attended 
to.  Besides,  at  this  crysis  in  the  affairs  uv  the  country,  with 
Wilson  and  Kelly  a snortin  through  the  South,  he  felt  it  wood 
be  a good  thing  to  show  ourselves. 

Seward  felt  that  it  wuz  well  to  go.  Filial  love  wuz  char- 
min.  Shakspeer,  who  wuz  ez  justly  celebrated  ez  a dramatist 
ez  one  he  cood  menshun  wuz  for  diplomatic  telegraffin,  remarkt. 
How  sharper  nor  a serpent’s  tooth  it  is  to  hev  a thankless 
child,”  — the  truth  of  which  he  bed  experienced,  ez  he  hed 
been  styled  the  father  uv  the  Republican  party : but  that  wuz 
not  to  the  pint.  It  is  the  dooty  uv  every  son  to  lay  corner-stuns. 
In  this  case  it  wood,  perhaps,  hev  bin  more  creditable  hed  it 
been  dun  fifty  years  ago ; but  wat  difference  is  it  ? It  is 
natral  ez  we  are  about  being  gathered  to  our  fathers,  that  we 
shood  remember  em.  Besides,  he  hed  a little  speech  wich  he 
felt  he’d  like  to  deliver.  He  wanted  to  bear  testimony  to  the 
patriotism  uv  the  son  uv  Jacob  Johnson  — particularly  to  our 
colored  brethren  in  North  Carliny,  who  hev  bin  listenin  to 
Kelly  and  Wilson. 

Randall  didn’t  bleeve  in  it  at  all.  He  made  bold  to  say  that 
ez  the  deceast  Johnson  hed  slept  without  a corner-stun  for 
fifty-five  years,  he’d  manage  to  git  along  without  it  a while 
longer.  It  wuz  rather  late  in  the  day.  He  bleeved  in  feelin 
sorrowful  over  the  decease  uv  our  relatives,  but  he  didn’t  go 
much  on  doin  it  fifty-five  years  after  date.  It  wuz  too  much 
like  bustin  into  tears  over  the  suffrins  uv  the  last  illness  uvyer 
wife’s  great-grandmother.  The  speeches  he  didn’t  .bleeve  in 
at  all.  He  hed  seen  some  uv  it  — he  hed  accompanied  one 
toor  uv  the  kind.  He  hed  bin  o»  it.  He  wuz  at  Cleveland,  at 
Indianapolis,  and  Springfield,  lllinoy.  He  begged  to  be  ex- 
coosed.  He  didn’t  keer  about  tailin  sich  a kite  agin.  Ef  the 


THE  DETERMINATION. 


441 


people  uv  the  South  shood  receive  us  ez  corjelly  ez'the  people 
uv  the  North  did,  he  preferred  to  consult  his  feelins  and  be 
absent.  He  wuz  a sensitive  plant,-  and  disliked  sum  things. 
Ef  his  memory  served  him  rite,  the  demonstrashens  coodent 
be  considered  flatterin.  The  people  didn’t  fling  dead  cats  at 
us,  but  they  did  wuss.  Where  they  wuz  cold,  they  wuz  rather 
too  cold.  Where  they  wuz  in  a volatile  humor,  they  wuz 
rather  too  lively.  He  hed  about  made  up  his  mind  that  it 
wuzn’t  uv  any  yoose  to  fite  it  out  on  that  line  ef  it  took  all 
summer.  Success  is  a dooty  ; but  when  success  is  as  impossi- 
ble ez  water  in  the  great  Sahara,  wat’s  the  yoose  ? Wherefore 
struggle  ? Let  us  go  slow,  draw  our  salaries  to  -the  end  uv 
our  ’spective  terms,  and  so  live  that  wen  the  summons  comes 
to  jine  the  innoomerable  caravan  that  moves  out  uv  Washinton 
to’ards  their  ’spective  homes,  we  go  not  like  the  dusty  slave  at 
nite,  wat’s  bet  his  all  on  two  pair,  but  soothed  and  sustained  by 
wat  we  saved,  — go  like  one  who’s  got  the  wherewithal  to 
live.  It  wuz  a source  uv  comfort  to  him  to  know  that  the 
worst  men  wuz  soon  forgotten.  Who  ever  speaks  uv  Tyler,  or 
Peerce,  or  Bukanon,  now  ? Benedict  Arnold  is  only  spoken  uv 
on  Fourth  uv  Julys,  and  Judis  Iskariot  on  Sundays.  It  will  be 
so  with  us  in  time,  for  wich  thank  the  Lord. 

But  it  wuz  determined  to  go,  and  I wuz  sent  to  Eawly  to 
find  where  the  grave  uv  the  honored  father  of  our  bonored 
President  wuz  reely  locatid,  and  to  make  other  arrangements. 
I hed  difficulty  in  locatin  the  grave,  and  ain’t  jest  shoor  that  I 
found  the  right  one.  The  people  uv  Rawly  wuz  anxshus  to  hev 
it  come  off,  ez  trade  wuz  dull  in  the  retail  line  ; and  for  fear 
that  I wood  report  that  the  grave  coodent  be  found,  and  thus 
nip  their  budding  hopes,  they  giv  me  the  choice  uv  fifteen. 
Selectin  the  most  eligible,  I made  the  uther  arrangements  and 
returned. 

The  eggscurzion  contrastid  very  favorbly  with  the  one  we 
took  last  fall.  The  people  receeved  us  at  every  stashen  with 
the  most  afiectin  demonstrashuns  uv  luv.  Johnson  ! Johnson  ! 
Johnson  ! ” they  yelled  at  each  stoppin-place,  wich  sounded 
sweeter  in  his  ears  and  mine  than  the  damnable  iterashen  of 
Grant ! Grant ! Grant ! ” wich  greetid  us  at  every  pint  North. 
But  ther  wuz  drawbax  to  our  enjoyment.  No  sooner  wood  the 


442 


THE  president’s  SPEECH. 


President  commence,  Fellow-citizens ! ” than  Randall  wood 
pull  the  bell-rope,  and  off  the  trane  wood  start.  He  wuz 
determined  that  the  President  shouldent  speek,  wich  put  me  tb 
a grate  deal  uv  trouble,  ez  after  we  arrived  I bed  to  write 
out  and  telegraph  to  the  papers  the  speeches  the  President 
wood  hev  made. 

At  Pawley,  General  Battles  welcomed  the  Presidential  party, 
and  the  President  responded.  He  remarked  that  in  Rawley 
he  first  opened  his  tender  eyes,  a penniless  boy.  Here  is  the 
scene  uv  his  childhood  ; here  is  everything  to  bind  man  to  his 
fellow,  and  to  associate  him  with  that  with  wich  he  is  associated  ; 
here  is  where  the  tenderness  uv  heart  hev  taken  holt  upon 
everything  to  wich  it  hez  attached  itself.  But  he  wuz  wandrin 
from  his  subjick.  Flis  mind  went  back  to  the  day  he  left  this 
city  a penniless  boy.  Where  is  them  he  left  behind  him  ? He 
begged  to  inquire  where  is  the  scenes  uv  his  childhood  ? 
Where’s  the  Haywoods? 

Killed  at  Antietam  ! ” shouted  a returned  Confedrit.  I 
wuz  by  William’s  side  when  he  wuz  shot.” 

^AVhere  is  the  Hunters?” 

Runnin  a distillery  at  Waxhall’s  Court  ’ouse,”  sed  this  same 
fellow,  who  thot  the  President  really  wantid  to  know.  He  wuz 
choked  down,  and  the  President  proceeded : — 

AVher  is  the  Roysters  and  the  Smithses,  the  Brownses  and 
the  Joneses  ? Wher  is  the  long  list  of  men  that  lived  at  that 
day,  and  who,  like  me,  command  respeck  for  constancy  of 
devoshen  ? I feel  proud  of  this  demonstrashen  — I feel  proud 
of  any  demonstrashen.  Ez  alloosion  hez  bin  made  to  my,  boy- 
hood days,  when  I wuz  a penniless  boy,  I may  say  here,  ez 
pertinent  to  that  subjeck,  that  I hev  adhered  to  the  funda- 
mental principles  uv  the  gov’ment,  and  to  the  flag  and  Constoo- 
shen.  But  to  return  to  my  subjeck.  When  I went  out  from 
among  yoo  a yjenniless  boy,  I adoptid  the  Constooshen  ez  my 
guide,  and  by  them  I.  hev  alluz  bin  guided.  To  the  young  I 
would  say  that  they  will  be  safe  in  takin  me  ez  a model. 
Leavin  here  a penniless  boy,  it  is  not  for  me  to  say  whether 
or  not  I hev  succeeded.  I am  no  longer  a penniless  boy,  nor 
is  them  wich  are  round  me.  Mrs.  Cobb  ain’t  a penniless  boy  ; 
nor  is — But  this  is  a wanderin  from  the  subjeck.  For  the 


NiGGEiiS  itECOGNiziNG  TiiEiK  MosES.  Page  443. 


THE  MONUMENT. 


443 


encouragement  uv  the  young  men  afore  me,  I wood  say,  that  I 
hev  enjoyed  all  I care  about.  I am  no  aspirant  for  nothing,  and 
therefore  the  way  I now  open  for  em.  All  places  uv  honor 
is  now  before  em.  I thank  you  for  this  corjel  welcom. 
North  Caroliny  sent  me  out  a penniless  boy,  and  did  not 
afford  me  sich  advantages  ez,  considerin  my  merits,  I ought 
to  hev  hed ; yet  I luv  her.  It’s  better  ez  it  wuz.  Goin 
out  a,  penniless  boy,  and  returnin  after  holdin  every  offis, 
from  Alderman  uv  my  adopted  village  up  to  President,  shows 
my  qualities  to  much  better  advantage  than  ef  I hedn’t  gone 
out  a penniless  boy.  I thank  you  for  this  tribute  to  my  many 
good  qualities.” 

And  he  startid  to  go  down,  when  Randall  whispered  suthin 
in  his  left  ear.  Risin  promptly,  and  drawin  out  his  hanker- 
chief,  the  President  assoomed  a look  uv  sabdood  greef,  and 
resoomed. 

I hev  come  among  yoo  to  participate  in  the  dedicashen  uv 
a monument  to  a man  wichyoo  all  loved,  tho  it  hez  taken  suthin 
like  fifty  yeers  for  yoo  to  diskiver  it.  He  wuz  poor  and 
humble,  wich  akkounts  for  my  goin  from  among  yoo  a penniless 
boy  ; but  uv  him  I am  proud,  — for  hed  it  not  been  for  him,  I 
woodent  hev  returned  the  shinin  example  to  yoo  young  men 
wich  I am.” 

The  corner-stun  wuz  laid,  and  the  monument  set  on  it.  It  is 
uv  red  limestone,  ten  foot  high.  It’s  ez  good  a ten  foot  uv 
stun  respeck  ez  there  is  in  North  Carlin}^  Ez  the  monument 
was  elevatid,  there  wuz  appropriate  speeches,  and  then  my 
little  arrangements  cum  in.  A nigger  woman  I hed  took  with 
us  from  Washington  rushed  for’ard,  and  sed,  Bless  de  Lord, 
I’ze  bin  a waitin  lor  dis  day  to  see  de  President,  — ouR  Presi- 
dent ! ” at  Avich  a squad  uv  niggers  I’d  picked  up  and  drilled, 
hollered  ’Ror  ! ” 

This  little  affectin  sceen  over,  two  quadroons,  Avich  I’d  also 
bro’t  Avith  us  in  a privit  car,  cum  for’ard  Avith  a expression  of 
profound  greef,  at  Avich  the  President  Avept,  and  tenderly  slung 
bokays  uv  the  choicest  floAvers  Ave  cood  buy  in  Washington, 
upon  the  tomb. 

It  Avuz  reely  a techin  tabloo.  The  ancient  nigger  Avoman  a 
holdin  the  President’s  hand  ; the  young  quadroons  a slingin  the 


444 


THE  TABLEAU. 


bokays ; the  President  with  his  head  bowed,  apparently  a 
dreamin  uv  the  days  uv  his  boyhood  ; me  with  an  expression 
nv  thankfulness  that  the  niggers  hed  at  last  recognized  their 
Moses;  Seward  with  a saintly  smile  on  his  face;  Welles  tryin 
to  look  ez  near  like  Seward  as  possible,  but  failin  miserably  to 
look  like  anything  but  the  eggrejis  old  ass  he  is,  and  Randall 
with  his  handkercher  to  his  eyes  ez  ef  onmanned  by  the  movin 
sceen,  but  keepin  one  eye  cocked  over  the  handkercher  to  see 
how  it  took  among  the  niggers.  It  wuz  a sceen  easier  to  be 
imagined  than  described. 

Ther  wuz  incidents  which  occurred  wich  did  not  appear  in 
the  telegraph.  When  his  Excellency  wuz  speekin  uv  himself, 
and  remarkt  that  his  race  wuz  nearly  run,  a unregenerated 
nigger  yelled  out,  Tank  de  Lord  ! And  when  the  quad- 
roons wuz  a strewin  flowers  on  the  grave  uv  His  Excellency’s 
father,  I observed  rather  more  titterin  among  the  niggers 
than  I approved  uv  on  so  solium  an  occasion.  I askt  Ran- 
dall what  he  thought  of  the  speckelashen,  and  his  answer. 
It  don’t  pay  ! ” struck  me  ez  havin  a vane  uv  trooth  runnin 
through  it. 

On  our  return,  the  President  wuz  allowed  to  speek  more, 
for  Randall  got  tired  of  watching  him.  We  returned  in  good 
health,  and  some  was  in  good  spirits.  Seward  feels  well,  for  he 
hez  an  abidin  faith  that  the  mere  showin  uv  hisself  alluz  hez 
an  effeck  for  good  upon  the  people,  and  ez  a matter  uv 
course  Secretary  Welles  thinks  so  to. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor. 


TO  BOSTON. 


445 


CXLIV. 

THE  BOSTON  EXCURSION. 

Tremont  House,  Boston 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Massachoosets),  > 
June  25,  18G7.  ) 

The  Raleigh  trip  scarcely  over,  His  Serene  Highness  deter- 
mined upon  acceptin  the  Boston  invitashen.  His  corjel  recep- 
shen  in  North  Karliny  give  him  a sort  uv  appetite  for  popler 
applause,  and  he  determined  upon  tryin  it  in  the  North  agin. 
At  the  Cabinet  meetin  held  to  discuss  the  question,  Seward 
expressed  a desire  to  go.  Welles  follered  Seward;  but  Ran- 
dall opposed  it. 

But,”  sed  Johnson,  I feel  ez  though  I must  make  one 
more  effort  to  save  our  errin  Southren  brethren.” 

Mr.  President,”  retortid  Randall,  I recently  went  to  raise 
a corner-stun  to  the  memry  uv  yoor  lamentid  father,  who 
deceest  in  1812,  onto  wnch  wuz  engraved  these  words:  — 

‘ Jacob  Johnson  ; died  from  ilie  Effex  uv  a Disease  superin- 
doost  hy  a over  Effort  to  save  his  Friends  from  droiuninJ 

Now,  ef  yoo  persist  in  yoor  loonacy,  I shel  be  compelled, 
after  a time,  in  my  quiet  Wisconsin  home,  where  an  apprecia- 
tive constitooency  will  permit  me  to  forever  stay,  to  indite  an 
epitaff  for  the  corner-stun  over  your  politikle  grave,  wich  I 
shel  do  thus  : — 

^ Hie  facet  Andrew  Johnson, 

Who  died  from  the  Effex  uv  a Disease  superindoost  hy  over 
Effort  in  a great  many  Attempts  to  save  his  Politikle  Friends 
from  hein  strangled. 

‘‘ PoPript. — The  Friends  wuzn't  wuth  the  saving 
But  upon  sekond  thot  I’ve  no  objeckshun  to  this  toor. 
Yoo  kin  do  us  no  damage  ef  yoo  deliver  only  sich  speeches  ez 

The  Masonic  bodies  could  not  dedicate  their  magnificent  temple  Muthout 
inviting  the  President  of  the  United  States  to  participate  in  the  ceremonies. 
As  usual  lie  tried  to  turn  the  visit  to  New  England  to  account.  He  was  treated 
with  respect,  and  that  was  all. 


446 


RANDALL’S  OPINION. 


we  determine  upon  beforehand.  Yoo  go  thro  Delaware, 
which  is  ourn  ; Noo  Jersey  yoo’ve  bin  thro  wunst,  and  they 
know  wat  to  expect ; Noo  York  will  give  a enthoosiastic  re- 
cepshun  ef  Morrisy  and  Wood  will  take  holt  uv  it,  and  in  Con- 
necticut yoor  certain  uv  a corjel  resepshen.  That  State  is  full 
uv  demoralized  Yankee  Dimocrats,  who  hev  bin  out  to  Michi- 
gan, and  left  there  all  ther  Puritanism,  bringin  back  with  em, 
in  its  stead,  all  the  cussidnis  indigenous  to  that  soil,  wich 
cussidness,  grafted  onto  ther  natral  cutenis,  makes  em  rather 
enterprisin  in  ther  worthlisnis.  In  Boston  itself,  the  prospeck 
is  good.  There’ll  be  a immense  crowd  present  to  dedicate  the 
Masonik  Temple,  wich  we  shell  claim  the  credit  uv  bringin,  ez 
we  did  the  throngs  which  come  to  see  us  on  the  toor  North, 
but  wich  wood  persist  in  hollerin  ^ Grant ! ’ The  trooly  good 
men  uv  Boston  are  Ablishnists ; but  there’s  some  thousands 
wich  want  offices,  and  them,  with  a sprinklin  uv  Demokrats 
and  Conservatives,  ought  to  make  us  a handsome  recepshen. 
There  is  yet  men  in  Boston  who  used  to  return  fugitive  slaves, 
and  ther  is  besides  the  eminently  respectable  gentlemen  who 
are  so  conservative  that  they  hold  onto  sin  becoz  it’s  old  and 
established  by  precedent,  and  so  aristocratic  that  they  won’t  do 
right,  jist  becoz  doin  rite  is  a common  thing  in  that  seckshun ; 
who  hold  onto  the  cote-tale  uv  progress,  and  holler  ^Stop!’ 
and  who,  ef  they  tie  theirselves  to  a good  cause,  load  it  down 
with  their  dignity.  Like  the  2d  Lootenants  uv  ’61,  their 
baggage  is  worth  more’n  they  are.  But  the  trip  won’t  hurt  us. 
You  can’t  make  the  Ablishnists  more  Ablishn,  and  them  ez 
foller  us  for  the  loaves  and  fishes  we  dispense,  wood  still  foller 
tis,  ef  the  road  we  took  led  ez  strate  through  perdishen  ez  a 
pigeon  wood  fly.  It  may  be  that  it’s  the  method  by  wich  we 
shel  finally  cany  Noo  England.  Pope  sez, — 

‘ Vice  is  a monster  uv  such  liidjus  mien, 

That  to  be  hated  needs  but  to  be  seen.’ 

Now,  ef  we  follered  the  poet  no  further,  we  shood  never 
go,  but  each  one  wood  keep  ez  close  in  his  respective  ap^irt- 
ment  ez  possible.  But,  knowin  mankind,  he  goes  on  : — 

‘ But  seen  too  oft,  familiar  with  its  face. 

We  first  endoor,  then  pity,  then  embrace.’ 


IN  NEW  YORK. 


447 


“That’s  it.  We  must  be  seen  too  oft.  We  must  make  em 
familiar  with  our  face.  Ef  we  stay  long  enuff,  I don’t  despair 
uv  seein  Boston  give  yoo  an  ovashen,  and  seein  yoo  locked 
in  the  arms  uv  Wendell  Phillips.  Ef  they  commence  pity  in 
you,  the  reackshen  will  take  them  to  the  embracin,  and  it  seems 
ez  though  they  ought  to  be  at  that  pint  by  this  time.  And 
then  ef  yoo  make  this  toor^  and  say  nothing  ideotik^  the  very 
novelty  uv  it  will  bewilder  the  people.” 

And  so  it  wuz  decided  to  go.  Thro  Maryland  the  resep- 
shens  wuz  all  that  we  desired,  and  in  Delaware  the  people 
come  in  crowds  to  greet  us  ; tho  the  cheers  partook  so  much 
uv  the  nacher  uv  the  cheerful  yells  wich  the  Confedrit  soljers 
employed  when  they  charged,  that  Sekretary  Seward’s  nerves 
wuz  somewat  shockt.  Ez  Philadelphy  didn’t  offer  us  the 
hospitalities  uv  the  city,  we  didn’t  stop  ther  at  all.  The  trane 
run  around  it,  the  President’s  nose  bein  elevatid  all  the  time 
ez  tho  he  smelt  suthin.  When  it  hed  finally  passed,  Mr.  Pan- 
dall  announst  the  fact,  and  the  Presidenshel  face  assoomed  its 
yoosual  benine  expression  ez  we  glided  into  the  sacred  soil  uv 
Noo  Jersey. 

In  Noo  York,  Morrissy  hed  done  his  part.  Ther  wuz  specta- 
ble  bodies  uv  cheerers  at  the  pints  agreed  upon,  and,  ez  they 
hed  bin  paid  librally,  the  spontaneous  enthoosiasm  wuz  ez 
good  in  quality  ez  it  wuz  large  in  quantity.  Occasionally  a 
cheerer,  wich  hed  taken  too  much  uv  his  wages  in  advance, 
wood  yell  for  Jeff ’son  Davis,  but  it  wuzn’t  notist.  It  didn’t 
mar  the  pleasant  uniformity  uv  the  proceedins,  or  strike  any- 
body ez  bein  singler.  They  tried  terrible  hard  to  git  a speech 
out  uv  us,  and  the  President  wuz  willin ; but  Pandall,  seein 
reporters  present,  supprest  him,  and  got  him  off  to  bed  com- 
paratively sober,  and  very  early. 

Arrivin  at  Boston,  I wuz  surprized  at  the  length,  depth,  and 
breadth  uv  the  enthoosiasm  wich  greeted  us.  Ez  ef  to  show 
ther  greet  at  the  death  uv  Presidents,  we  notist  everywhere 
the  portraits  of  our  predecessor,  Linkin,  draped  in  mournin,  at 
wich  the  President  dropt*  a teer,  sayiu,  “ See  how  they  mourn 
us  wen  we’re  everlastinly  gone  ! ” Ther  wuz  a sort  uv  subdood 
enthoosiasm,  a kind  uv  half  mournin  gladnis,  ef  I may  say  so, 
wdch  wuz  gratifyin. 


448 


A MASSACHUSETTS  GOVERNOR. 


We  wuz  receeved  by  Gov’nor  Bullock,  whose  speeeh  wuz  a 
noble  triboot  to  the  President.  I welcome  yoo,”  sed  he,  to 
Massachoosits.  Many  Presidents  hev  visited  Noo  England,  and 
this  visit,  like  theirn,  excites  devoshen  to  the  Yoonion,  and 
respeck  for  them,  wich,  in  their  offishel  posishen,  respeck  the 
government  uv  the  whole  country.  Our  desire  is  to  manifest 
our  regard  for  those  who,  in  offishel  capacity,  respeck  the 
Nashnel  Yoonion,  wich  is  to  say,  we  respeck  the  Nashnel 
Yoonion.  I trust  the  President  will  stay  long  enuff  to  enable 
us  to  manifest  our  high  regard  for  — (here  the  President's  face 
brightened  up)  yoor  offis  ! (the  President  turned  frightfully 
red,  wich  Bullock,  whose  principles  wuz  a rasslin  a back  holt 
with  his  politeness,  notist,  and  he  added)  — and  to  yoo 

PERSONALLY  ! 

Ez  them  last  words  ishood  slowly  and  despritly,  the  Presi- 
dent’s face  lighted  up.  He  tendered  him  thanks  for  the 
resepsliun.  He  woodent  undertake  to  conceel  emoshens  which 
agitated  him  at  this  personel  welcome  upon  the  soil  uv  Massa- 
choosits. It  wuzn’t  necessary  for  him  to  go  into  the  histry 
uv  Massachoosets  ez  he  wuz  in  the  habit  uv  doin  further 
South,  ez  those  afore  him  wuz  probably  ez  familyer  with  it  ez 
he  wuz  ; but  he  wood  ashoor  em,for  their  encouragement,  that 
the  histry  uv  Massachoosits,  in  conneckshn  with  the  histry  uv 
these  States,  hez  become  a part  uv  the  histry  uv  the  country  ; 
and  therefore,  in  visitin  Massachoosits  under  sich  pekoolyer 
circumstances,  it  is  pekoolyerly  gratifyin  to  receeve  sich  a 
welcome.  In  regard  to  yoor  remarks  tetchin  the  preservashen 
uv  these  States,  I trust  I may  say  without  egotism,  a vice 
wich  I hev  never  bin  accused  uv,  and  from  wich  I may  say  no 
one  is  more  singlerly  free  than  myself,  I yield  to  no  patriot, 
livin  or  dead,  in  my  devoshen,  to  that  purpose.  I dislike 
speekin,  ez  I kin  trooly  say  that  I am  not  loquashus  ; but  when 
trooth,  wich  I love,  and  the  cause  uv  humanity,  wich  I tie  to, 
is  at  stake,  I hev  spoke.  I may  say,  without  egotism,  that  1 
live  for  principle ; and  I thank  the  people  uv  Massachoosits, 
wich  my  visit  hez  drawd  to  Boston,  for  the  outburst  uv  regard 
wich  greets  me.  Without  egotism  I may  say,  that  it’s  a out- 
burst ekalled  by  few  and  excelled  by  none  ever  given  a Presi- 
dent in  the  Yoonited  States  or  elsewhere  ; and  it  is  my  prayer 


A PRECAUTIONARY  MEASURE. 


449 


that  comin  in  contact  with  me  will  do  the  people  iiv  Boston 
good.  Yoor  remarks,  not  referrin  directly  to  me,  on  the 
Roosbn  purchis,  and  a more  economical  collecshin  uv  the 
internal  revenue,  also  meets  my  corjel  approbashen,  lovin  ez 
I do  my  common  country.’’ 

Randall  pulled  at  his  coat-tale,  when  the  President  remarkt 
that  he  might  say,  without  egotism,  that  he  didn’t  desire  to 
make  a speech,  and  stopt.  We  brought  him  off  in  compara- 
tively good  order. 

We  stopt  at  the  Tremont  House.  It  is  a good  hotel,  and  the 
waiters  are,  ez  they  ought  to  be,  niggers.  It’s  soothin  to  a Jroo 
Dimekrat  to  be  waited  on  by  a nigger.  You  kin  damn  a nigger 
waiter,  but  put  a white  man  in  that  posishen  and  yoo  feel  a 
delicacy  about  it.  When  we  retired,  the  President  insisted 
that  I shood  sleep  lyin  across  the  doorway  uv  his  room. 

Why  ? ” asked  I. 

I am  in  Boston,”  replied  he,  wher  they  stun  the  prophets. 
Boston  dislikes  me.  Boston  wears  to-day  a smilin  face  ; but 
wat  kind  uv  a hart  does  that  smilin  face  conceal?  Sumner 
lives  in  Boston,  and-  so  does  Phillips.  In  Boston  they  elect 
niggers  to  the,  Legislacher,  and  are  tryin  to  stop  the  sale  uv 
whiskey.  Wat  kind  uv  a place  is  that  for  a Dimekratic  Presi- 
dent to  trust  hisself  into  ? Yoo  sleep  across  my  doorway,  and 
ef  a band  uv  Ablishnists,  deemin  me  their  foe,  shood  strive  to 
enter,  they  wood  hev  to  first  sheath  their  daggers  in  yoor 
body.  Meanwhile  I wood  escape,  and  continyoo  to  live  for  my 
lovd  country.  Yoo  cood,  by  preparin  beforehand  a few  im- 
pressive last  words,  make  a gorjus  death  uv  it,  and  do  the  coz 
good.  For  instance,  ez  Sumner  stuck  yoo,  yoo  cood  gasp, 
Slay  me,  but  spare  A.  J.,  the  hope  uv.the  Republic.”  Or,  ez 
Wilson  struck  yoo  down  with  a bludgeon,  yoo  mite  exclaim, 
‘‘  I die  willinly  for  the  Constitooshen  with  36  stars  onto  it.” 
Any  little  quotashen  from  any  uv  my  sjieeches,  joodiciously 
throwd  in  under  sich  circumstances,  wood  do  good.  Yoo  will 
sleep  ther  to-night ; and  remember,  in  case  you  are  called  upon 
to  die,  the  proper  quotashens.” 

Seward  concurred,  but  Randall  objectid.  He  didn’t  antici- 
pate any  sich  danger.  Ef  Boston  wants  to  git  rid  uv  the 
President,  they  hev  a shorter  way  than  assassinashen.  Rash 
29 


450 


ANOTHER  DREAM. 


politislmns  only  assassinate  them  wich  they  can’t  find  cause 
to  impeach.  But  he  wuzifit  afraid  uv  Boston.  We  stood  a 
better  chance  uv  dying  of  excessive  hospitalit}^  in  Boston  than 
uv  bein  stabbed.  Our  stumicks  mite  protrude  in  Boston,  but 
our  bowels  never.  Boston  wood  feast  us,  for  ther  are  enulf 
men  in  Boston  who  want  posishsn  to  keep  us  a goin  a year  or 
two.  He  feared  dyspepsia  more  tlian  daggers,  and  hed  no 
fears  uv  the  wine  bein  pizened. 

Nevertheless,  I wuz  forced  to  sleep  in  that  posishen,  wich  I 
did,  wakin  up  in  the  mornin  ez  sore  and  stiff  ez  a plow-hoss. 
I don’t  know  how  far  the  trip  will  be  extended. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor. 

CXLV. 

MR.  NASBY  DREAMS  A DREAM. 

Tremont  House,  Boston 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Massachoosets),  V 
June  29,  1867.  ) 

Last  nite  I received  a letter  from  Deekin  Pogram,  in  wich 
he  desired  me  to  ascertain  whether  or  no  there  wuz  eny 
bottom  to  the  Northern  Dimocrisy.  Captain  McPelter  sed  the 
Northern  Dimocrisy  wus  strong  enuff  to  carry  us  uv  Kentucky 
tliroo,  while  Pollock,  the  Illinoyer,  swore  the  Northern  Dimoc- 
risy hed  a considerable  more  to  do  to  carry  themselves  than 
they  hed  bin  able  to  accomplish  for  some  time  — that  in  a 
pnllin  match  a corpse  wuzn’t  uv  much  akkount,  ef  it  wuz  a big 
one.  With  this  letter  in  my  hand  I fell  asleep,  and  dreemed. 

Methawt  I wuz  in  Noo  Orleans  at  a gatherin  uv  the  Faithful, 


The  more  sag'acious  of  the  Southern  Democracy  were  for  a long  time 
anxious  to  submit  to  the  inevitable  results  of  the  war,  but  the  masses  were  kept 
in  a state  of  turmoil  by  the  promises  of  the  Northern  Democracy  to  carry  them 
through.  And  these  promises  were  made  in  full  view  of  their  inability  to  carry 
any  of  the  Northern  States. 


THE  DYING  GIANT. 


451 


who  wiiz  called  together  for  the  purpose  of  considrin  wat  to 
do.  Sum  few  wuz  in  favor  uv  submission^  and  hed  got  the 
majority  uv  the  Southern  people  to  agree  with  em  that  ther 
wuz  no  yoose  uv  further  resistance,  and  they  wuz  jist  about  to 
so  declare,  when  Yallandigham,  Ben  Wood,  Toucey,  Morrissey, 
Voorhees,  and  a score  or  two  more  uv  that  kind,  rushed  in  and 
begged  uv  em  to  hold  out.  Why  submit  ? ’’  sed  Vallandig- 
ham.  “ We’ll  sustain  yoo.  Northern  Dimocrisy  is  a giant 
wich  kin  yet  pertect  yoo.  He’s  in  his  prime,  and  strong  enuff 
yit  to  carry  yoo  throo  twice  the  troubles  wich  threatens  yoo^ 
Depend  onto  us  — we’ll  carry  yoo.” 

And  the  Southerners  whopped  over  to  their  side  and  yelled 
fiercely,  “ No  submission  ! ” and  immejitly  the  entire  bilin  uv 
em  startid  North  with  these  men,  to  ascertain  the  strength  and 
carryin  capacity  nv  the  Northern  Dimocrisy.  Methawt  the 
party  travelled  until  they  come  to  a vast  plain  in  Kentucky, 
onto  wich  wuz  extendid  the  prostrate  form  uv  a Giant.  It 
was  a Giant,  immense  in  statoo,  but  emaciated  to  the  last 
degree.  His  limbs  hed  bin  strong,  his  teeth  terrible,  and  his 
'trunk  massive  ; but 'it  wuz  plane  to  see  that  he  wuz  pegged 
out,  and  a look  at  its  face  sliowed  why  it  wuz  so.  Dissipation 
had  redoost  him  to  helplessnis.  His  face  wuz  bloatid  and  bloo, 
his  eyes  wuz  sot  and  ghastly,  his  chest  was  holler  and  sunken, 
his  legs  like  pipe-stems,  and  ulcers,  boils,  sores,  broozes,  and 
contooshens  kivered  him  from  head  to  foot,  and  he  drawd  his 
breath  with  a effort. 

He  lay  a groanin  and  a groanin.  Randall  wuz  a tenderly 
feedin  him  out  uv  a huge  bottle,  labelled  Appintments,” 
which  appeared  to  give  him  temprary  strength  ; but  the  effect 
of  that  wuz  lost  by  President  Johnson’s  dosin  him  with  an 
offensiv  smellin  mixter,  labelled  “ Policy,”  every  swaller  uv 
wich  wood  throw  him  into  a spasm.  Governor  English  was 
rubbin  one  arm  with  a liniment  Randall  gave  him,  and  hed 
succeeded  in  gittin  up  a little  circulation  in  it. 

Wat  is  this?”  askt  the  Southerners. 

“ Northern  Dimocrisy  ! ” sed  English,  rubbin  away  vigrously. 

“Is  this  the  Giant  which  is  to  carry  us?”  said  the  Southern 
gentleman,  viewin  the  disgustin  objict  doubtfully. 

“ Certainly  ! ” sed  Johnson.  “ Now  can’t  you  git  up  ? ” sed 


452 


THE  HEAVY  LOAD. 


lie  to  the  prostrate  bein,  givin  it  a very  large  swaller  out  uv 
his  bottle.  The  Giant  made  an  effort,  but  flopped  down  agin 
like  a dish-rag. 

Gentlemen ! ’’  sed  Yallandigham;  “ we  shel  hev  to  call  upon 
you  to  assist  in  settin  him  onto  his  feet,  and  then  it’ll  be  all  rite 
.with  him.  He’s  bin  this  way  afore.” 

Accordingly,  the  Southerners  gathered  around  him  to  lift 
him  up.  His  arms,  I notist,  wuz  marked  respectively  Connec- 
ticut and  Delaware,  and  his  legs  Maryland  and  Kentucky,  and 
in  them  there  wuz  strength,  for  ez  soon  ez  the  innocent  South- 
erners got  near  enuff  he  wrapped  them  limbs  around  em,  and 
sed,  Lift ! ” 

We  can’t,”  sed  they. 

Yoo  must,”  sed  he  ; ‘‘  I got  into  this  condishen  fightin  yoor 
battles,  and  doin  yoor  work.  I was  strong  and  vigorous  until 
I got  to  runnin  after  yoor  harlots ; and  for  yoor  sake  I wuz 
druv  out  uv  my  native  States  into  this  accussid  region.  Yoo 
must  carry  me  wat  time  I hev  yet  to  live.  Hist  me  ! ” 

Those  caught  coodent  get  away,  and  the  others  generously 
come  to  ther  aid,  and  makin  a terrible  effort,  they  raised  the 
half-dead  bein  onto  their  shoulders,  holdin  their  noses  mean- 
while, and  prepared  to  start.  Es  the  percession  wuz  about  to 
move,  Vallandigham  remarked,  Stop  a minit,  gentlemen!” 
and,  loaded  ez  he  wuz  with  his  war  record,  he  clambered  up 
ther  shoulders  and  took  a seat  on  the  carkiss.  Yoorhees,  jist 
ez  badly  encumbered,  did  likewise,  and  so  did  the  Woods,  and 
Bookannan,  Seymour,  Toucey,  and  a hundred  or  so  more,  the 
unfortunit  bearers  sweatin  under  this  addishnal  load. 

‘‘  Is  all  ready  ? ” sed  they. 

“ One  moment  I ” sed  Johnson,  and  him,  and  Eandall,  and 
Seward  climbed  up. 

This  wuz  the  last  feather.  The  bearers  mite  hev  staggered 
off  under  the  carkiss,  and  them  wich  climbed  onto  it  first,  but 
this  last  addishn  to  ther  burden  wuz  friteful.  It  finisht  em. 
Groanin  under  the  weight,  they  swayed  like  a leaf  in  the 
wind,  — like  a majestic  tree  jist  about  to  fall.  They  struggled 
a minit  to  maintain  themselves  — but  in  vain.  A breef  strug- 
gle— a desprit  gasp  — they  give  up,  and  ther  knees  doublin 
up,  the  whole  concern  come  to  the  earth  with  a squashin  sound, 


THE  CATASTROPHE. 


453 


and  the  half-decomposed  mass  sorter  fell  apart^  Raymond  and 
Thurlow  Weed,  wich  hed  bin  hangin  round,  got  out  from  under 
jist  in  time  to  save  theirselves.  The  Southerners  got  out 
from  under  the  putrid  mass,  tho  almost  smothered  by  the 
stench.  Yallandigham  and  that  class  made  lite  uv  it,  ez  they 
had  bin  around  it.  It  staggered  Johnson  some,  but  he  hed 
bin  accustomed  to  suthin  approximatin  very  closely  to  it  in 
the  old  times,  and  it  didn’t  serously  affect  him ; but  poor 
Randall,  Seward,  and  Welles  were  smothered,  and  died. 

1 wuz  tryin  to  pull  Randall’s  corpse  out,  when  the  effort 
I wuz  makin  awoke  me. 

I ain’t  altogether  certain  but  that  that  dream  means  suthin. 
When  I think  of  it,  it  is  rather  preposterous  for  us  to  hope  the 
Northern  Dimocracy  will  carry  us,  when  they  can’t  carry  a 
single  State  uv  their  own  ; jist  about  ez  preposterous  ez  it  is 
for  them  to  look  to  us  for  help,  when  all  uv  us  ez  wood  jine 
em  hevn’t  got  a vote.  Pollock’s  remark,  — In  a pullin  match, 
a corpse  ain’t  of  muck  akkount,  even  ef  it  is  a big  one,”  — 
weighs  onto  'my  mind.  Suthin  can’t  (^me  out  uv  nothin  ; 
tho  ez  in  the  case  uv  Seward,  nothin  may  come  out  uv  suthin. 
Ef  we  cood  git  — but,  pshaw  ! we  can’t.  Thank  the  Lord,  we 
kin  hold  the  Post  offises  two  years  yit. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster),  and  Professor. 


CXLVI. 

THE  NEGRO  QUESTION.  — THE  CHANGE. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Kentucky),  > 
July  19,  1867.  ) 

The  Radikel  party  hed  bin  forst  into  takin  nigger  suffrage 
into  their  embrace,  and  methinks  we  hev  em  now.  To  aid  our 
friends  in  the  North,  we  hev  taken  the  step  backward,  and  are 
now  where  we  started  from.  The  directors  uv  the  college 


454 


THE  GREAT  CHANGE. 


met  and  changed  the  name  nv  the  Institooshn  back  to  the 
“ Southern  Military  and  Classikle  Institoot/^  and  the  Corners 
wuz  itself  agin..  Deekin  Pogram  lookt  ez  tho  ten  years  hed 
bin  lifted  off  him.  How  pleasant  ^tis/^  sed  he,  to  walk  erect 
agin  in  front  uv  a nigger,  and  to  pass  em  ez  tho  they  wuz 
niggers  ! 0,  ef  I cood  only  wallop  one  wunst  more,  methinks 

I cood  die  happy  ! ’’ 

The  trouble  is,  we  oppose  nigger  suffrage  from  too  many 
stand-pints.  Some  oppose  it  on  the  skore  uv  the  inferiority  of 
the  Afrikin ; but  our  people  may  hev  assented  to  it  outwardly, 
but  in  ther  own  minds  they  objected.  ‘‘  Ef,’^  sed  a reliable 
Dimokrat  to  hisself,  ef  thaPs  the  rool,  wat  in  thunder  is  to 
BECOME  uv  ME  ! 

Likewise  the  idea  uv  onfitness.  They  can’t  read  nor  rite  ! ” 
shreeks  a injoodishus  cuss,  speekin  to  a audience,  two  thirds 
uv  wich  go  to  him  reglerly  to  reed  their  ballots  to  em,  and 
who,  when  they  sign  promissory  notes,  put  an  M at  ween  their 
first  and  last  names. 

Anuther  speeker  quotes  Noah  to  em,  and  boldly  asserts  that 
the  nigger  is  the  descendant  uv  Ham,  and  that  he  is  the  identi- 
kle  indivijjle  wich  wuz  cust  by  Noah  ; but  he  runs  agin  the 
fact  that  the ^ rest  uv  em,  wich  is  in  Afrika  yet,  hev  managed  to 
dodge  the  cuss,  ez  they  ain’t  servin  ther  white  brethren,  and 
them  wich  wuz  brot  here  to  be  Chrischinized  hev  busted  ther 
bonds,  and  are  jest  about  ez  free  ez  anybody. 

I want  a Convenshun  uv  the  lights  uv  the  party  to  set  forth 
authoritively  why  we  oppose  nigger  suffrage  — to  give  a 
reason  for  it,  that  all  our  people  may  act  together,  ez  do  other 
well-regulated  machines. 

I hev  made  up  my  mind  wot  platform  to  lay  down.  I shel 
go  back  on  Ham,  Hager,  and  Onesimus.  I shel  turn  from  the 
inferiority  idea,  and  take  the  broad  ground  that  the  nigger  is  a 
beast;  thaUie  ain’t  a man  at  all;  and  consekently  he  hez  no 
more  rites  than  any  other  animal.  I put  my  foot  onto  him  by 
authority  of  the  decree  that  unto  man  wuz  given  dominion 
over  the  beasts  ; that  we  are  men,  and  they  are  beasts.  Ef 
they  admit  the  first  proposishen,  they  will  the  last.  I shel 
assert  boldly  and  brodly  his  onfitnis  to  mingle  with  us,  becoz 
his  fizzikle  structure  bein  different,  goes  to  show  that  he  wuz 


A SIMPLE  PEOPOSITION. 


455 


uv  a different  origin,  and  uv  a lower  origin.  I shel  plant 
myself  on  the  stoopenjus,  yet  simple  proposislien,  that  the 
Almity  made  him  at  a different  time  and  for  a different  pur- 
pus,  wich  I shel  show  by  citin  the  color  uv  his  skin,  the  length 
uv  his  foot,  the  shape  uv  his  head,  and  sich  other  matters  as  I 
kin  git  together  in  time  for  the  Convenshen. 

Uv  course  this  doctrine  will  meet  with  objectors.  We  hev  a 
few  thin-skinned  perfessers  uv  religion,  whose  piety  service  in 
our  ranks  heznff  quite  obliterated,  who  will  say  that  these  dog- 
mas undermines  the  Christian  religion.  To  this  I shel  answer, 
Uv  wot  comparison  is  any  religion  a Orthodox  Dimocrat  hez 
to  a triumph  uv  the  party?  Wot  hez  Dimocrisy  to  do  with 
religion  anyhow  ? It  hez  never  permitted  it  to  mix  in  its 
pollytix.  Dimocrisy  bleeves  in  keepin  Church  and  State  ez 
far  apart  ez  possible. 

Shood  the  Ablishnists  pint  to  niggers  wich  reed  and  write, 
I say  to-wunst  that  there  is  different  degrees  uv  instink, — 
that  ez  one  dorg  hez  more  instink  than  another,  that  so  one 
nigger  hez  more  than  another  ; and  then  I shood  wind  this 
answer  up  by  askin  him,  “ Sir,  wood  you  force  yoor  dawter  to 
marry  a nigger,  even  ef  he  cood  reed  and  write  ? ’’  This  hez 
alluz  done  good  service,  partikelerly  ef  yoo  walk  hurridly 
away  before  there  is  time  for  an  answer. 

Ther  is  one  pint  wich  is  a stumper — but  only  one.  One 
man  to  whom  I unfolded  this  theory,  asked  me,  sneerinly,  wat 
I wuz  a goin  to  do  with  a mulatter  who  wuz  half  white  and 
half  black  — half  man  and  half  beast  — half  instink,  wich  dies 
with  him,  and  half  sole,  wich  wuz  to  be  saved  and  fitted  for 
the  skies,  or  lost?  When  a mulatter  dies,  wat  then ? Does 
the  half  sole  uv  the  half  man  drag  the  instink  uv  the  beast 
behind  it  in  a limpin,  lop-sided  fashion,  into  heaven?  or  does 
the  instink  drag  the  sole  into  the  limbo  for  animals?  Ef  this 
latter  idea  be  correct,”  sed  he,  “ in  that  limbo  how  much  South- 
ern sole  is  floatin  about,  held  in  solooshen  in  animal  instink  ! ” 

AVe  hed  a meetin  last  nite  to  consider  this  nigger  question, 
wich  wood  hev  resultid  in  great  good,  and  hed  a powerful 
inflooence  towards  strengthenin  the  hands  uv  our  brethren  in 
the  North,  who  are  fightin  the  heresy  uv  nigger  suffrage,  hed 
it  not  bin  for  that  irritashen,  Pollock,  and  that  pest,  Joe  Bigler. 


456 


A TEST  CASE. 


I lied  made  my  regler  speech  on  the  nigger,  and  with  much 
effect.  I hed  quoted  from  sumboddy’s  quotashen  from  Agassiz, 
which  demonstrated  the  radicle  difference  there  is  atween  the 
Afrikin  and  the  proud  Caucashen,  arguin  from  the  length  uv 
his  heel  and  arm,  the  thickness  uv  his  skull,  and  so  forth,  that 
the  nigger  wuz  totally  unfit  to  exercise  the  rites  uv  free  men. 
I wuz  applauded  vociferousljq  and  by  none  more  than  Pollock 
and  Joe  Bigler.  Ez  I took  my  seat,  and  wuz  a wipin  the  per- 
spirashen  from  my  classikle  brow,  feelin  that  I hed  settled  that 
question.  Pollock  riz,  and  desired  to  say  a few  words. 

I hev  listened  with  interest  to  the  elokent  speeker,  and  am 
happy  to  say  I hev  learned  fax  wich  is  new  to  me.  Ef  I hev 
ever  doubted  the  inferiority  uv  the  nigger,  them  doubts  are 
removed,  pervidin  alluz,  that  the  statements  uv  the  speeker  is 
troo,  uv  wich  I hev  no  doubt,  ez  the  caracter  uvthe  speeker  is 
a suffishent  guarantee  for  the  trooth  uv  wichever  he  sez.’^ 

I bowed,  stately-like,  with  the  air  uv  one  to  whom  sich  com- 
pliments wuz  a every-day  affair,  wich  they  ain’t,  by  no  means  ; 
on  the  contrary,  quite  the  reverse. 

But  I want  it  demonstrated  to  the  satisfackshen  uv  the 
most  obtoose.  I want  rite  here  a measurement  uv  the  average 
Afrikin  and  the  average  white  man,  that  all  the  Avorld  may 
know  the  difference.  I move  that  it  be  did.” 

I acceded.  Let  it  be  done,”  sed  I,  ‘‘  that  the  vexed  ques- 
tion may  be  settled  forever.” 

Joe  Bigler  sed  he  saw  Napoleon  Johnson — a nigger  wich 
'wunst  belonged  to  Deekin  Pograin  — in  the  audience.  Napo- 
leon,” sed  he,  will  yoo  contribbit  yoorself  to  the  great 
science  uv  ethnology  ? Ain’t  yoo  willin  to  let  us  yoose  yoo  a 
while  to  demonstrate  the  grate  and  growin  trooth,  that  yoor 
grandfather  wuz  a monkey  ? Step  up,  Napoleon.” 

Napoleon  stept  up,  and  Pollock  and  I measured  him,  with 
this  result : — 


Height  . 
Weight  . 
Length  uv  foot 
Breadth  uv  foot 
Length  uv  hand 


5 feet  8 inches. 
150  lbs.  averdupoise. 

12  inches. 
. . 5 inches. 

. . inches. 


A MATHEMATICAL  DEMONSTRATION. 


457 


Breadth  uv  hand  . . . . . 

Length  uv  forearm 

Length  uv  bone  from  ankle  to  knee 
Projeckshun  uv  heel  . . . . 

Capassity  uv  skull,  wich,  bein  the  top  or 
cap  uv  the  vertebral  column,  so  to 
speek,  is,  accordin  to  Hippocratees,  a 
trooly  scientific  Greek,  a very  impor- 
tant bone  for  pretty  much  all  uv  the 
races  


4 inches. 
11  inches. 
6 inches. 
4 inches. 


66  cubic  inches. 


“ Now,”  sed  Pollock,  let  us  examine  in  the  same  way  a 
avrage  specimen  uv  the  Caucashen  race,  ez  he  is  found  in  this 
delectable  spot.  Will  Issaker  Gavitt  be  good  enuff  to  step 
forrerd  ? I perpose  to  demonstrate  the  sooperiority  uv  the 
Caucashen  with  a two  foot  rook  Piggers  won’t  lie.” 

Issaker  slept  up  and  wuz  measured : — 


Height 

Weight  . . • . 

Length  uv  hand 
Breadth  uv  hand 
Length  uv  foot 
Breadth  uv  foot 
Projeckshen  uv  heel 
Length  uv  forearm  . 

Length  uv  bone  from  ankle  to  knee 
Capassity  uv  skull  . 


5 feet  8 inches. 
150  lbs. 
7l  inches. 

inches. 
11  inches. 
44  inches. 
44  inches. 
10  inches. 
15  inches. 
97  cubic  inches. 


Pollock  wuz'delited  ! Here,”  sed  he,  it  is  in  a nut-shell. 
Issaker  hez  a shorter  hand,  a more  narrer  hand,  a shorter  and 
narrerer  foot,  and  his  heel  projecks  less  than  the  nigger’s  by 
24  inches  ! Good  Lord,  how  I hev  bin  deseeved  ! Wat  errors 
I hev  bin  nussin  ! How  kin  a human  bein  hev  intelleck  whose 
heel  projecks  four  inches  ? How  rejoict  am  I that  I am  at  last 
set  rite  on  these  important  pints  ! ” 

1 smiled  beninantly  onto  him. 

Bigler  riz.  1,  too,”  sed  lie,  am  satisfied  that  the  nigger 
is  not  wat  we,  who  wuz  disposed  to  consider  him  fit  to  exercise 


458  THE  INTELLECTUAL  DIFFEEENCE. 

rites,  supposed  him  to  be.  I held  firm  when  the  measurement 
uv  his  hands  and  arms  wuz  hein  made,  but  the  heel  staggered 
me.  It'S  clear  that  no  one  kin  hev  intelleck  whose  leg  isn't  set 
in  his  foot  better  than  that.  I shel  persoo  this  investigashen. 
Hevin  now  a startin-pint,  — a heel,  ez  I may  say,  to  stand  on, 
— I shel  go  on  to  prove  the  inferiority  ,uv  the  nigger.  With 
that  heel  for  a fulcrum,  I sliel,  with  the  lever  uv  trooth,  pro- 
ceed to  upset  the  fabric  uv  nigger  ekality,  and  carry  confooshen 
into  Boston.  I shel  assoom  that  Napoleon  is  a average  speci- 
men uv  the  lower,  or  unintellectooal  Afriken  type.  Is  it  so?  " 

It  is  ! It  is  ! " yelled  we  all,  delited  at  the  happy  turn  the 
thing  wuz  takin. 

I shell  also  assoom  that  Issaker  Gavitt  is  a avrage  uv  the 
higher  or  intellectooal  Caucashen  type.  Is  it  so  ? " 

Certinly  ! • Certinly  ! " 

Very  well.  Now  quake,  Massachoo'sets  ! Napoleon,  kin 
yoo  read  ? ” 

I saw  the  trap  into  wich  we  lied  fallen,  and  risin  hastily, 
protestid  that  the  examinashen  lied  bin  carried  far  enuff, 
but  Bigler  swore  he  wuz  a goin  to  kiver  Massachoosets  with 
shame. 

Kin  yoo  read,  Napoleon  ? " 

^^Yes,  sail  ! " 

Read  this,  then,"  sed  Bigler,  handin  him  a noosepaper. 

The  nig’ger  read  it  ez  peert  ez  a Noo  England  skool  marm, 
wich  well  he  mite,  ez  he  learned  it  from  one  uv  em. 

Kin  yoo  write  ? " 

Certinly  ; " and  takin  a pencil  he  writ  half  uv  the  Declara- 
shen  uv  Independence. 

Set  down,  Napoleon.  It’s  a devilish  pity  yoor  heels  is  so 
long ; otherwise  yood  be  credited  with  hevin  intellek.  Now 
Issaker,  my  bold  Caucashen,  kin  yoo  read?^^ 

I protest ! ’’  shreeked  I,  in  agony.  Issaker,  don’t  answer 
the  skoffer  at  ethnology  ! ’’ 

But  Issaker,  white  ez  a sheet,  and  tremblin  under  the  eye 
UV  Bigler,  stuttered  No  ! ’’ 

Kin  yoo  rite,  my  gay  desendant  uv  the  sooperior  race  ? " 
a No  ! ’’ 

Kin  yoo  cipher  ? " 


THE  TERRIBLE  RESULT. 


459 


What  in  thunder’s  the  yoose  uv  cipherin,  when  the  old  man 
alluz  kep  a nigger  to  do  his  figgerin?  ” 

Set  down,  Issaker.  We’re  done  with  yon.  There’s  an 
error  sumwher.  The  nigger’s  capassity  uv  skull  is  less  by 
sevral  cubic  inches,  but  he  seems  to  hev  made  a lively  yoose 
uv  wat  he  hez.  But  it’s  all  rite.  Parson.  Issaker  shel  vote,  and 
the  nigger  shan’t.  Reedin  and  writin  never  wuz  a qualificashen 
for  votin  down  here,  any  way.  Possibly  the  seat  uv  the 
intellek  is  in  the  heel  instead  uv  the  brain,  wich  accounts 
for  the  nigger’s  hevin  the  most  uv  it.” 

And^ Pollock  and  Bigler,  and  the  niggers  present,  left  the 
meetin-house,  laffin  uproarously. 

I doubt  whether  the  result  uv  the  investigashen  will  help 
our  friends  North.  The  fact  is,  it  wuz  overdone.  It  wuz 
carried  too  fur.  There  is  a jDint  at  wich  facts  ought  to  stop  — 
Dimekratic  facts  in  partikeler.  In  this  instance,  the  investiga- 
shen shood  never  hev  bin  carried  beyond  the 'heel.  Hed  it 
stopt  there,  we  wood  hev  hed  em.  But  carryin  it  to  the 
radical  pint  to  wich  Bigler  and  Pollock  took  it,  the  foundashen 
we  built  wuz  upset,-  and  we  are  all  at  sea  agin. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


CXLVII. 

A CONSULTATION  AT  THE  CORNERS,  FOLLOWED 
BY  A DREAM. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
August  1,  1867. 

Last  nite  there  wuz  a convocashen  uv  the  saints  connected 
with  the  Institoot,  to  take  sweet  counsel  together  onto  matters 
connected  with  the  institooshen  uv  learnin,  the  success  uv 

The  Democracy  in  1867  really  contemplated  the  nomination  of  General 
Grant  for  the  Presidency ; indeed,  the  leaders  went  so  far  as  to  intimate  to  him 
that  he  could  have  the  position  if  he  would  accept  it. 


460 


CONFERRING.  DEGREES. 


wich  is  SO  dear  to  all  uv  us.  The  conversashen  happened  to 
turn  upon  the  coiiferrin  uv  honorary  degrees,  Deekin  Pogram 
sed  that  he  hed  notist  that  all  the  leadin  colleges  uv  the 
country  lied  a practis  uv  conferrin  titles,  sich  as  M.  D.,’’ 

“ A.  B.,”  LL.  D.,’’and  sich,  onto  distinguished  men,  though  he 
wuz  free  to  say  that  he  didn’t  know  wat  in  thunder  they  meant, 
or  wat  they  wuz  good  for  ; but  he  hed  notist  in  a noospaper 
that  no  college  hed  yet  conferred  any  sich  onto  Androo  John- 
son. He  wood  sejest  that  ez  a rebook  to  the  hide-bound  insti- 
tooshens  uv  the  North,  this  college  do  to-wunst  confer  all  uv 
em,  and  ez  meny  more  ez  there  is,  onto  Mr.  Johnson.  Bascom 
remarkt  that  he  didn’t  kno  whether  the  President  wood  feel  ^ 
complimentid.  You  kno,  Deekin,”  sed  he,  that  this  ain’t 
much  uv  a college.” 

Troo,  ” sed  the  blessid  old  peece  uv  innosence,  troo,  troo  ; 
but  then,  to  balance  that,  Johnson  ain’t  much  of  a President, 
yoo  kno.”  . 

And  so  the  honorary  degrees  wuz  conferred,  and  notis 
thereof  wuz  sent  him  immejitly.  From  this  the  question  uv 
the  next  nominee  uv  the  party  for  President  came  up.  Bas- 
com, who  isn’t  a far-seein  man,  asserted  that  it  wood  be  neces- 
sary to  nominate  Grant.  The  Deekin  remarkt  that  he  thought 
it  wood  be  safe,  but  McPelter  thought  different.  He  didn’t 
bleeve,  in  the  first  place,  that  it  become  a Peace  party,  or  at 
least  a party  wich,  ef  it  dipped  its  hands  in  gore  at  all,  did 
it  mostly  in  Northern  gore,  to  take  up  a Northern  General, 
wich  hed  dun  his  best  towards  sendin  many  thousands  of 
Southners  to  their  long  homes ; and  besides,  the  General 
wouldn’t  take  it. 

Various  opinions  wuz  expressed  by  various  persons,  when, 
without  comin  to  any  conclusion,  we  separatid.  I retired  that 
nite  earlier  than  usual,  and,  dwellin  on  the  chances  uv  my 
continuin  in  offis  in  case  uv  Grant’s  accession,  I fell  into  a 
troubled  sleep  and  dreamed  a dream. 

Methawt  gathered  in  front  uv  the  .White  House  wuz  a 
galliant  array  uv  our  friends.  There  wuz  Franklin  Peerce,and 
Bookanan,  and  Vallandigum,  and  the  Woods,  and  Magoffin,  and 
^Monroe,  and  Brite,  and  Breckinridge,  and  the  leaders  uv  the 
Dimocrisy,  all  a standin  ther  look  in  wishfully  at  the  White 


DISGUISING  THE  LION. 


461 


House,  and  wonderin  how  and  by  wat  means  they  cood  git  in. 
Johnson,  blessins  on  his  head,  stood  onto  the  portico  wavin,  to 
’em  to  come,  but  alass ! guardin  the  passage  stood  a mighty 
host  uv  Ablislmists,  armed  and  clad  in  armor,  and  in  such 
force  ez  to  make  tlie  stormin  uv  it  hopelis. 

How  shall  we  get  in  ? ” sighed  Belmont. 

Ah,  indeed,  how  ? ” ansered  Henry  Clay  Dean. 

‘^That’s  the  great  question?”  ekoed  Wood. 

My  friends,”  sed  Thurlow  Weed,  ^Mt’s  easy  enufiP.  When 
you  can’t  sore  like  the  eagle,  crawl  like  the  snake.  Sorein  is 
preferable,  but  crawlin  will  do  at  a pinch.  Is  there  not  the 
Lion  uv  the  Eepublic?  Can’t  you  git  him  out  and  mount  him? 
The  Ablislmists  hev  a regard  for  that  same  Lion,  and  will  never 
discharge  ther  arrers  at  you  when  yoor  on  his  back,  for  fear 
uv  killin  him.  Besides,  yoor  ridin  him  will  in  some  degree  doo 
away  with  the  prejoodis  they  hev  agin  yoo.” 

But  how  kin  we  mount  him  ? ” said  they. 

Trust  to  us  for  that,”  said  Weed,  and  him  and  Eaymond 
trotted  off  together. 

They  got  the  Lion  out,  but  ez  soon  ez  he  cast  his  eyes  onto 
the  crowd,  he  uttered  a roar  which  struck  terror  into  their 
soles,  and  lashed  the  ground  with  his  tail,  and  cast  up  dust 
with  his  claws,  in  a manner  fearful  to  behold. 

“He’ll  never,  stand  it!”  said  Weed,  “ onless  he’s  blind- 
folded ; ” and  Thurlow  wrapped  Raymond  like  a Avet  dish-rag 
over  his  eyes  ; and  that  done,  him  and  Randall  pared  his  nails 
and  blunted  his  teeth  (so  that  ef  the  bandage  should  Avriggle 
off,  and  he  shood  see  wher  he  wuz,  he  coodent  hurt  anybody), 
and  shaved  his  mane,  till  he  looked  like  a very  innocent  Lion 
indeed,  so  that  his  appearance  woodent  startle  them  not  used 
to  his  fiercenis,  and  in  that  condishen  they  led  him  very  quietly 
doAAur  to  the  crowd  and  give  the  Avord  to  mount. 

Wat  a scramble  ther  aahiz  1 They  piled  on  from  the  tip  uv 
his  ears  to  the  end  uv  his  tale  ; and  them  Avich  coodent  git  on 
for  lack  ua^  room,  hung  to  the  feet  u\^  them  Avich  had  got  on, 
until  it  AA’uz  nothin  less  than  a pirrymid  of  Democrats. 

Finall}q  Avhen  all  avuz  loaded,  the  Avord  avuz  giAmn,  and  the 
Lion  moved  off.  They  avuz  delited.  He  hed  strength  enuff  to 
carry  em,  and  he  avuz  a carryin  em  strate  to  the  White  House, 
and  at  a good  pace,  too. 


462 


AND  HIS  DEATH. 


Ez  they  approached  the  portals,  the  Ablishn  defenders  uv  the 
pla.ce  opened  onto  em. 

Hold  ! ’’  said  Weed,  wood  you  destroy  the  Lion  uv  the 
Republic  ? 

Stay  yoor  hands  ! ” shreeked  Raymond.  The  savior  uv 
the  country  is  under  us.” 

But  they  lafft  them  to  scorn. 

It’s  Brite  and  Vallandighum,  the  Woods,  et  settry,  we’re 
drill  at,”  shreekt  they,  singin,  as  tliey  fought,  The  Battle  Cry 
uv  Freedom,”  ‘‘John  Brown’s  body  lies  a mouldin  in  the 
grave  ! ” and  sich  other  sacriligious  odes.  “ It’s  them  we  see, 
and  them  we’ll  kill.” 

And  they  belted  away,  till  the  whole  mass  wuz  stretched 
dead  and  dyin  on  the  plain. 

Then  they  came  up  and  began  to  turn  over  the  corpses,  one 
by  one,  until  at  last  they  came  to  the  body  uv  the  Lion,  which, 
pee  reed  thro  and  thro,  wuz  ez  dead  ez  any  uv  em. 

“My  God!”  sed  they,  is  the  Lion  after  allL^ 

“ And  we’ve  slayed  him  ! ” sed  another. 

“ Well  1 ” remark!  a third,  “ we  coodent  help  it.  He  was  so 
kivered  up  with  this  carrion  that  I coodent  make  out  what  it 
wuz  they  wuz  a ridin.  Let  us  give  him  a decent  burial  for  the 
good  he  hez  done,  and  forget,  ef  we  kin,  the  company  he 
died  in.” 

And  at  this  kritikle  juncture  I awoke. 

I hev  an  idea  I can  see  a sort  uv  a warnin  in  this  dream.  It 
occurs  to  me,  — 

1st.  That  if  we  do  ride  Grant,  we’ll  hev  to  divest  him  uv  his 
mane,  teeth,  and  claws,  wich  is  the  identical  qualities  wich 
makes  him  valuable  to  us. 

2d.  That  with  us  on  his  back,  we  will  probably  succeed  in 
killing  him  without  savin  us.  Grant  might  deodorize  a dozen 
or  two  uv  us,  but  the  whole  party  1 Faugh  I It  wood  be  a 
pint  of  cologne  to  a square  mile  uv  carrion. 

3d.  That  ef  we  wuz  wrapt  all  around  him,  the  people  wood- 
en! be  able  to  see  him  anyhow,  and  wat  good  wood  he  do  us? 

Interpretin  the  dream  thus,  I shel  oppose  the  nomination. 
Besides,  I doubt  whether  all  the  Weeds  and  Raymonds  in  the 
country  kin  so  manipulate  him  ez  to  bring  him  quietly  into  our 


THE  AMNESTY  PROCLAMATION. 


463 


ranks.  We  mite  possibly  go  over  to  him,  and  thus  git  the 
privilege  of  votin  for  him,  but  wherefore  ? How  about  the 
offisisthen?  Ef  the  Ablishnists  vote  for  him,  and  we  vote  for 
him,  the  obligation  is  ekal,  and  between  us  is  ther  any  doubt 
wich  he’d  cliose  ? I don’t  want  to  take  sich  chances.  I’m 
opposed  to  the  movement.  I care  not  what  others  may  do,  but 
ez  for  me,  give  me  straightout  Diraocrisy  or  nothin.  McClellan 
wuz  a vencher  wich  satisfied  me  ez  to  the  propriety  uv  under- 
takin  to  set  a roarin  lion  a convoyin  a flock  uv  peaceful  lambs 
into  green  pasters. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


CXLVIII. 

AN  AMNESTY  PROCLAMATION. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
September  10,  1867. 

I WUZ  brot  to  Washinton  by  a despatch.  His  Eggslency  hed 
at  last  determined  to  put  his  foot  down  — to  assert  his  power, 
and  to  take  measures  sich  ez  wood  bring  to  the  top,  where 
they  properly  belong,  that  large  class  uv  the  citizens  uv  the 
Republic  who  wuz  engaged  in  the  little  onpleasantnis,  wich 
the  Ablishnists  took  advantage  uv  to  deprive  em  uv  their 
rites,  and  to  keep  em  from  exercisin  the  inflooence  in  the 
government  they  are,  and  alluz  wuz,  entitled  to.  In  short, 
ez  Congress  wuz  adjourned,  and  coodent,  by  no  means,  be 
got  together  till  November,  the  President  wuz  convinced 
that  it  wuz  his  dooty  to  improve  his  time,  and  be  reelly 
President. 

Tlie  liberal  aud  shrewd  use  of  patronage  was  all  that  saved  the  President 
from  impeachment.  There  were  Re])ublican  Senators  who  were  opposed  to  it 
on  legal  grounds,  but  there  were  others  who  were  too  deeply  indebted  to  the 
President  to  vote  for  impeachment. 


464 


THE  president’s  CONFIDENCE. 


The  consultation  over  the  Proclamation  wuz  long  and  pain- 
ful. Binckley,  who  is  now  runnin  the  government  mostly,  hed 
written  the  whereases,  wich  is  the  most  uv  the  document. 
Seward  hed  taild  onto  em  the  Proclamation  proper,  wich  wuz 
so  small  ez  to  give  it  a tad-pole  appearance,  and  it  wuz  to  be 
discussed.  All  uv  em  wuz  in  favor  uv  it  but  me.  Ez  anxious 
ez  I wuz  for  the  liberashen  uv  our  friends  in  the  Southern 
States  ; ez  anxious  ez  I wuz  to  give  that  blessid  saint,  Deekin 
Pogram,  a chance  to  wallop  a nigger  agin  afore  he  died,  with- 
out bein  interfered  with  by  a bloo-coated  hirelin,  I still  hed  a 
dread.  Dare  yoo,”  sed  I,  go  further  in  this  biznis  ? Isn’t 
impeachment  at  the  end  uv  it,  ef  yoo  stir  up  this  matter? 
And  with  Wade  in  the  Presidenshel  chair  — my  God  ! Pollock 
wood  hev  my  post-ofiSs  ! liege,  1 hed  a dream  last  nite. 
Methawt  — ” 

Go  on  with  the  dream,”  sed  His  Eggslency.  Go  on,  and 
I will  be  yoor  Joseph  to  interpret  it.” 

Kin  yoo  assoom  the  caracter  uv  Joseph,  and  carry  it  out,” 
sed  Eandall,  “ with  Mrs.  Cobb  in  Washinton  ? ” 

This  interupshen  preventid  me  from  narratin  my  dreem,  so  I 
resoomed  at  the  pint  at  wich  I wuz  interruptid.  And  ray 
opinion  is  the  ©pinion  uv  all  yoor  appintees.  The  offis-holder 
is  naterally  a Conservative.  Agitashun,  my  liege,  mite  shake 
us  out  uv  our  places.  On  yoo  we  hang,  — yoo  are  our  hope, 
our  anker,  and  our  cheefest  trust.” 

And  my  remarks,  wich  I delivered  with  a tremblin  voice,  and 
with  teers  rollin  down  my  furrowed  cheeks,  — 1 felt  the  solem- 
nity uv  the  occasion,  for  wat  cood  I do  ef  turned  out  into  the 
cdid  world  at  my  age  ? — wuz  receeved  with  peals  uv  lafture. 

My  deer  sir  ! ” sed  A.  J.,  yoor  innosence  surprises  me. 
Impeach  me  ! Never,  so  long  ez  filial  and  family  love  is  a dis- 
tinguishin  carakteristic  uv  the  leedin  minds  uv  America, — 
never,  so  long  ez  a senator  hez  a nephew  to  provide  for,  or  a 
brother  who  wants  a place.  Ah  ! that  love  uv  blood  rela- 
sliuns  ! Wat  a beautiful  thing  it  is  ! And  how  strong  is  the 
marriage  relation  wich  prompts  a man,  when  he  hez  promised 
to  love,  cherish,  and  protect  a wife,  to  go  cherishin  and  pro- 
tectin  all  her  brothers’  and  her  sisters’  children -- the  love  goin 
frekently,  like  leprosy,  to  the  third  generashun  I Thank  the 


LETTERS. 


465 


Lord  for  it!  It^s  my  only  holt ! Set  yoor  mind  at  eeze  by 
peroozin  these,”  and  he  tost  me  a bundle  uv  letters,  neatly 
done  up,  and  labelled  Letters  from  Radicle  Members  uv  the 
House  and  Senit.” 

A lite  dawned  onto  me  ez  I opened  the  first  one.  It  wuz 
from  a distinguished  Senator,  and  read,  ez  near  ez  I kin 
remember  now,  thus : — 

Sentt  Chamber,  March  6,  1867. 

To  THE  President:  Notwithstandin  the  slite  difference  uv 

opinion  that  may  egzist  between  us  on  certin  minor  questions 
uv  public  policy,  and  despite  the  unguarded  expressions  I may 
hev  indulged  in  in  the  heet  uv  debate,  I kin  trooly  say  that  I 
hev  ever  cherished  the  most  endoorin  faith  in  the  rectitood  uv 
yoor  intenshuns,  the  honesty  uv  yoor  purpose,  and  the  purity 
uv  yoor  motives.  I hev  a nephew  in  my  Slate  who  desires 
the  posishen  uv  Assessor  uv  Internal  Revenoo.  He  is  capable 
and  honest ; and  while  he  hez  alluz  voted  the  Republican 
ticket,  he  hez  dun  it  so  mildly  ez  not  to  be  objeckshenable  to 
those  who  differ  with  him.  Indeed,  last  fall  he  wuz  accoosed, 
and  perhaps  justly,  uv  votin  for  a candidate  for  Congress  who 
wuz  a supporter  uv  yoor  policy,  wich,  tho  I do  not  in  all 
respecks  accept,  hez,  I must  acknowledge,  many  pints  in  it  to 
recommend  it  to  a discriminatin  people.  I shood  esteem  his 
nominashen  a persnal  favor. 

With  sentimence  uv  the  most  profound  respect  and  esteem, 
I remain  admirinly,  yours, 

U 7? 

P.  S.  It  is,  I trust,  unnecessary  for  me  to  state  that  I 
regard  all  projecks  of  impeachment  ez  wild,  visionary,  onneces- 
sary,  and  dangerous  ; and  no  sich  projeck  kin  ever  reseeve  my 
support.  I forgot  to  menshen  that  a brother  uv  mine,  who  hez 
never  taken  a part  in  politics,  and  hez,  therefore,  his  opinyuns 
to  organize,  wood  gladly  accept  any  posishen  under  the  Gov- 
ernment, and  a brother-in-law  woodent  be  averse  to  simlar 
employment.  IPs  a matter  uv  no  consekence  to  yoo,  uv  course, 
but  I shel  oppose  the  reassemblin  uv  Congress  till  the  regler 
time  in  December.  I am  inflexibly  opposed  to  establishin 
30 


466 


THE  president’s  STRATEGY. 


dangerous  precedents.  Shood  yoo  make  the  appintments  1 
desire,  I kin  git  em  confirmed  by  the  Senit,  ez  well  ez  an 
ekal  number  uv  yoor  own  appintments.  In  matters  uv  this 
kind  ther  must  be  compromises.” 

Jn  my  surprise  I uttered  a prolonged  whistle.  “ Them 
appintments  wuz  made/’  sed  His  Eggslency,  with  a sardonicle 
smile.  “Them  appintments  wuz  made.  Read  another  — 
there’s  a varied  and  well-selected  assortment  uv  em.  The 
Senit  is  my  fish-pond.  I drop  my  hook  therein,  baited  with  a 
Assessorship,  and  bless  me,  how  they  bite  at  it ! Go  on.” 

“ Senit  Chamber,  March  7,  1867. 

“ To  THE  President  : I am,  ez  yoo  are  aware,  known  ez  a 
Radical ; but  between  generous  foes  there  kin  be  none  of  that 
terrible  spirit  uv  blind  hate  which  characterizes  some  uv  my 
associates,  who  shel  be  here  nameless.  I will  say,  however, 
that  ef  the  Senators  from  Massachoosets,  and  some  others  I 
cood  menshun,  wood  resine  or  die,  they  wood  confer  a favor 
upon  the  country.  I oppose  you  becoz  I differ  with  yoo,  ez 
does  my  State  ; but  that  opposishen  hez  never  lessened  my 
high  admirashen  uv  your  patriotism,  yoor  even  temper,  or  the 
many  good  qualities  uv  your  head  and  heart,  wich  shine  out  so 
conspickuoLis.  I hale  you  ez  a worthy  successor  uv  the  first 
A.  J.  I hed  not  intended  to  mix  things  persnel  to  myself  in 
this  friendly  triboot,  but  will  do  violence  to  my  feelins  by 

observin  that  the  posishun  uv  Collector  at  is  admirably 

adapted  to  a cousin  uv  mine,  whose  talence  ez  a lawyer  hez 
never  bin  appreciated  by  those  who  know  him  best.  He 
agrees  with  me  that  impeachment  is  not  to  be  thot  uv,  and 
tiiat  sessions  uv  Congress,  other  than  reglar  ones,  is  useli^. 
Shood  yoo  be  pleased  to  make  the  appintment,  I shel  be  proud 
to  return  the  favor  in  any  way  possible.  Ef  it  woodent  be 
askin  too  much,  a son  uv  mine  wood  be  glad  to  serve  his 
country  ez  a Inspector  uv  Revenoo.  Inheritin  from  me  devo- 
shun  to  our  common  country,  he  burns  to  devote  himself  to 
her  service. 

“ With  sentiments  uv  profound  respect, 

“ I am,  yours,  as  ever, 

u 


AND  HIS  CONFIDENCE. 


467 


“ Them  appintments  wiiz  made  also/’  sed  the  great  man, 
“ and  three  or  four  more  throwcl  in  when  he  found  how  cheep 
he  cood  get  em.  He  visited  me  after  I hed  given  him  all  he 
asked  for,  and  we  hed  a frendly  interchange  uv  views.  He 
persisted  in  differin  with  me ; but  ez  we  partid,  I askt  him  ef 
ther  wuzn’t  jist  one  more  appintment  he  wanted  ? Jist  one 
more  ? Throwin  himself  on  my  neck,  he  exclaimed,  ‘ Not 
one  ! Not  one  ! My  brothers,  my  brothers-in-law,  my  nephews, 
and  the  doubtful  members  uv  the  Legislacher  wich  finally  con- 
clooded  to  vote  for  me,  are  all  provided  for.’  Bless  the  Lord 
for  the  appintin  power  ! The  biznis  uv  tradin  birth-rites  for 
messes  uv  pottage  begun  with  Esaw ; but,  thank  Heven,  it 
didn’t  end  with  him.” 

It  wuz  unnecessary  for  me  to  read  more.  I hed  seen  enufif 
to  satisfy  me  that  the  integrity  uv  one  third  uv  the  Senit  wuz 
rather  honey-combed,  and,  like  a rusty  muskit,  not  strong  enuff 
at  the  breech  to  bear  a severe  trial  without  danger  uv  bustin. 
I saw  precisely  wat  waz  the  rock  on  wich  we  stood,  and  what 
a citadel  it  wuz.  Kin  these  men,  with  these  letters  in  the 
hands  uv  our  respected  cheef,  and  ther  relatives  all  a drawin 
rashens,  turn  and  rend  the  hand  wich  feeds  em  ? Cood  I do 
it  ? — and  ain’t  they  even  ez  I am  ? 

So  the  proclamashen  wuz  ishood,  and  I went  home  a feelin 
good.  We  shall  yet  wallop  niggers  in  Kentucky  ; we  shel  yet 
redoose  em  to  ther  normal  speer ; our  afflicted  brethren  in 
Tennessee  will  yet  vote,  and  them  not  amnestied  will  be 
speshly  pardoned  ez  ther  superior  merits  deserve,  and  withal 
ther  will  be  no  impeachment.  For  wher  the  carkis  is,  ther 
will  be  the  buzzards  also,  and  we  hev  the  control  uv  the  carkis. 
Some  uv  the  buzzards  are  so  gorged  with  carkis  that  their  eyes 
is  shut — enuff  uv  em  to  inshoor  our  posishen  till  the  end  uv 
our  term.  It  is  well  with  us. 

Petroi.eum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


468 


IN  OHIO. 


CXLIX. 

MR  NASBY  IN  A DEMOCRATIC  COUNTY  IN 
SOUTHERN  OHIO. 

Post  Offis,  Confedeit  X Eoads  y 
(wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  y 
September  20,  1867.  ) 

Last  week  I wuz  invited  to  go  into  Ohio  to  assist  my  breth- 
ren nv  that  State.  The  Massedonian  cry  reached  me,  Come 
and  help  ns  ! ’’  and  ez  the  cry  wuz  coupled  with  the  asshoor- 
ance  that  I shood  be  pervided  for,  I heeded  it.  Couple  Masse- 
donian cries  with  whiskey,  and  I canT  resist  em.  I never  try. 
I knowd  there  wuzn’t  much  dirference  atween  the  Dimocrisy 
uv  Ohio  and  Kentucky,  but  I wuz  onprepared  for  the  strikin 
resemblance  I found.  Twins  is  not  more  similar.  My  first 
appintment  wuz  in  a purely  Dimekratic  County.  It  wuz  a 
settlement  after  my  own  heart,  and  the  minit  my  practist  eye 
restid  onto  it,  my  sole  leaped  for  joy.  It  wuz  a town  wich  hed 
bin  some  day  the  seat  uv  bizniss,  but  a ralerode  runnin  some 
nine  miles  to  one  side  uv  it  hed  cut  off  its  trade,  and  the 
inhabitants  hevin  nothin  to  do,  the  better  part  uv  em  went 
with  the  trade.  Nacher  abhors  a vacuum,  and  there  rushed  in 
sich  as  found  it  diffikult  to  live  elsewhere.  The  whole  popula- 
tion, hevin  much  leisure,  fell  to  pitchin  coppers,  wich,  to  make 
the  game  excitin,  they  pitched  for  drinks.  Pitchin  for  drinks 
soon  rendered  em  incapable  uv  more  violent  exercise  ; and  in 
a year  from  tiie  time  the  trade  left  em,  it  wuz  the  strongest 
and  most  intense  Democratic  town  in  the  State.  Ez  they  must 
eat  suthin,  and  ez  the  groseries  coodent  run  perpetooally  with- 
out money,  they  hed  occasional  spasms  uv  labor.  Then  wood 
their  feelins  be  lasseratid.  Then  wood  they  look  over  to  the 
Kentucky  shore,  and  see  thousands  uv  jest  sich  men  ez  their- 
^selves  a spendin  their  lives  in  one  unendin  round  uv  copper- 
pitchin,  hoss-racin,  and  poker-playin,  the  nigger  meanwhile  a 
sweatin  to  furnish  the  means,  and  they  wood  break  out  into 
murmurin  at  the  crooel  fate  wich  cast  their  lot  where  every 
man  wuz  forst  to  sweat  lor  hisself,  and  the  cuss  of  labor 
coodent  be  filled  by  proxy.  Their  proximity  to  Kentucky 


THE  EXCITED  POPULACE. 


469 


tantalized  em.  They  wood  hev  all  gone  there  cood  they  hev 
raised  enufF  to  bny  a nigger  apeece,  but  they  coodent.  There 
wuz  a most  deliteful  look  uv  serene  repose  about  the  place 
wich  charmed  me.  Nothin  stood  uprite.  The  sign-post  uv  the 
tavern  hed  bin  leaned  agin  so  much  that  it  hed  contracted  the 
same  habit ; the  bosses,  from  a too  rigid  economy  in  the  matter 
uv  oats,  wuz  leanin  agin  the  side  uv  the  barns ; the  shutters 
on  the  groseries  hung  cornerin  across  the  winders,  in  conse- 
kence  uv  the  low'er  hinges  bein  broke  ; the  clapboards  on  the 
houses  all  hangin  by  a single  nail  at  one  end,  presented  any 
but  a reglar  appearance  ; and  the  men  were  all  either  sittin  on 
store  boxes,  or  leanin  Ugin  watever  possessed  suffishent  strength 
to  keep  em  up. 

I wuz  enthoosiastically  reseeved.  The  town  wuz  excited  on 
two  questions.  1.  Taxation.  2.  Nigger  Equality.  The  Cheer- 
man  uv  the  deputashun  wuz  the  most  cheerin  style  uv  Dimo- 
krat  I hed  seen  for  years.  His  independent  hair  hed  pushed 
its  way  thro  the  top  uv  his  hat  and  bristled  in  all  directions, 
biddin  defiance  to  the  world ; his  toes  protroodin  from  his 
shoes,  and  his  trowsers  hangin  lop-sided  by  one  suspender, 
indicated  a sovereign  contempt  for  appearances.  He  begged 
me,  with  tears  streemin  down  his  eyes,  to  rouse  the  people 
agin  the  dangers  wich  threaten  em.  “ Think,^’  sed  he, uv  the 
hundreds  uv  thousands  uv  millions,  wich  we,  the  people,  are 
forced  to  pay  in  taxes  to  the  General  Government,  and  rouse 
em  to  the  necessity  uv  ackshen  ! ’’ 

I will,”  sed  I,  “ I will.  State  to  me  the  amount  uv  taxes 
paid  the  tyranikle  government  in  this  Arcajen  spot,  that  I may 
hev  the  data  from  wich  to  speek.” 

Taxes  ! ” returned  this  patriot,  with  an  amazed  look  onto 
his  countenance,  taxes  ! We  don’t  pay  any  taxes  here.  The 
Assessor  came  here  two  years  ago,  and  findin  nothin  to  assess, 
hezn’t  considered  it  worth  while  to  come  since.  But,  good 
Lord,  our  hearts  bleeds  for  these  unfortunit  victims  uv  Ablishn 
poUc}^  wich  hev  suthin,  and  is  forced  to  pay  onto  it ! The 
people  is  bein  ground  into  dust  by  taxashen.”  And  the  old 
man  wept  bitter  tears  at  the  miseries  uv  the  sitooashen  uv  the 
people.  What  tetchin  benevolence  ! 

On  the  question  uv  nigger  ekality,  I found  em  at  a most 


470 


PAINFUL  EXPERIENCE. 


delitefal  heat.  They  hed  seen  the  terrors  uv  it,  and  know’d 
whereof  they  spoke.  Niggers  hed  come  from  Kentucky  across 
the  river  to  em,  and  instid  nv  acceptin  their  normal  speer,  and 
yieldin  quietly  to  the  irresistible  decrees  uv  Heven,  wich 
made  em  the  inferiors  uv  the  white,  they  hed,  the  moment  they 
accumulatid  suthin  to  live  on,  assoomed  the  airs  uv  ekality. 
They  refoosed  to  keep  their  places.  The  Cheerman  remarkt, 
ez  showin  the  stubborn  cussidness  uv  the  race,  that  one  uv 
em  lived  some  months  next  to  him.  He  (the  Cheerman)  bor- 
rered  pork  on  sevral  occashens  uv  him,  twict  a bakin  uv  flour, 
and,  on  one  occashen,  nine  dollars  uv  the  misrable  rags  wich 
we  are  forst,  by  a tyranikle  Government,,  to  accept  ez  money. 
That  nigger  hed  the  soopreme  impudence  to  insist  on  bein 
pade  ! and  even  talked  uv  sooin  for  it.  But,  on  consultin  a 
lawyer,  he  didn’t,  owin  to  the  oncertainty  ez  to  who  wood  hev 
to  pay  the  costs.  Another  instance.  A nigger,  wich  wuz 
neerly  white,  settled  in  the  visinity.  He  hed  not  only  a 
daughter,  but  a farm.  My  son  sores.  Labor  he  despises,  as  a 
occupashen  only  fit  for  serfs.  He  proposed  to  woo  this  nig- 
ger’s daughter.  It  wuz  a struggle  with  me.  My  son  marryin 
a female  wich  hed  the  accursed  blood  uv  Ham  in  her  vanes  ! 
But  Jimuel,  my  son,  sir,  threw  dirt  in  my  eyes.  About  sixty 
akers  uv  dirt.  I thot  uv  the  pleasant  time  I cood  hev  a livin 
on  that  farm  — uv  the  days  devoid  uv  labor,  and  the  evenins 
filled  with  ease,  and  after  a severe  ethnologikle  struggle  with 
my  feelins,  I consented.  I wantid  to  take  keer  uv  that  nigger. 
Pityin  him  ez  an  inferior  bein,  loaded,  in  his  abnormal  condi- 
shen,  with  responsibilities  wich  he  cood  not  be  expected  to  dis- 
charge, I wood  liev  taken  charge  uv  his  affares.  I wood  — my 
son  Jimuel  and  I — hev  managed  his  farm,  and  his  stock,  and 
sich.  Alas  ! Jimuel  menshimd  the  matter  to  the  Ethiopian, 
sir,  and  with  wat  result?  He  wuz  ignominiousl}^  kickt  out  uv 
the  house,  sir.  He  wuz  d — d,  sir,  for  a drunken  broot,  by  a 
nigger,  wich  threatened,  ef  he  ever  showed  his  pimpled  — 
pimpled  wuz  the  word — face  about  tliere  agin,  he’d  break 
every  bone  in  his  body.  Sir,  this  is  becomin  unsupportable. 
They  must  be  dragged  down  to  our  level.  My  proud  Cau- 
cashen  blood  revolts.  There  must  be  a inferior  race,  and  it’s 
us  or  the  nigger.  The  Injen  is  out  uv  the  question,  ez  there 


AN  UNPLEASANT  DENOUEMENT. 


471 


ain’t  any  nv  them  here  to  be  inferior.  I woodent  mind  the 
Injen,  but  there  ain’t  none.  It’s  the  nigger  or  nothin.  Give 
him  the  ballot,  sir,  and  what’ll  distinguish  us  ? Speek  with  a 
angel’s  tongue  onto  this  theme,  I beg.” 

The  meetin  wuz  a glorious  one,  and  my  speech  one  uv  my 
most  movin  efforts.  My  perorashen  moved  me  to  teers.  It 
wuz  on  nigger  suffrage.  Depictin  its  untold  horrors,  I begged 
em  to  organize  — to  rally  wunst  more  agin  this  common  enemy. 

There  is,”  sed  I,  seven  thousand  nigger  males  in  the  State 
uv  Ohio.  Shel  we  peril  the  liberties  uv  the  State  by  permittin 
them  to  approach  the  ark  uv  our  safety  — the  ballot-box  ? 
Shel  we  raise  em  to  the  pint  uv  bein  our  ekals  ? Shel  we 
marry  em  and  give  em  in  marriage  ? Shel  we  contaminate  the 
pure  streem  uv  Anglo-Saxon  blood  by  muddiin  it  with  the 
turbid  streem  uv  Ethiopy?” 

I finisht  my  speech  there.  The  meetin  then  resolved  they 
wuz  better  than  niggers ; that  they  never  wood  consent  to  be 
taxed  for  the  benefit  uv  purse-proud  aristocrats ; that  the 
bonds  shood  be  taken  up  with  greenbax  ; that  there  shood  be 
a return  to  specie  payment  to-wunst ; and  that  they  were 
willin  to  give  millions,  ef  need  be,  to  resist  usurpashen,  but 
not  one  cent  in  taxes  in  a unconstitooshnel  manner. 

This  resolooshn  wuz  passed,  when  a colleckshn  wuz  taken 
up  to  pay  for  the  candles.  But,  alas  ! There  wuzn’t  nary  a 
cent  in  the  house,  and  I hed  to  pay  for  em  myself.  Another 
little  incident  didn’t  please  me.  The  State  Central  Committee 
hed  furnisht  me,  ez  it  does  all  its  speakers,  with  a twenty 
dollar  gold  piece  and  a fifty  dollar  bond,  wich  I wuz  to  exhibit, 
to  show  the  difference  atween  Ablishn  and  Democratic  money. 
I shoved  em  at  the  people,  and  it  excited  em  to  madnis.  I 
laid  em  on  the  table  afore  me.  When  the  meetin  wuz  ad- 
journed they  wuz  gone  ! Who  took  em  ? I know  not,  but  this 
I do  know,  that  the  Cheerman  uv  the  meetin  hed,  next  mornin, 
a new  pair  uv  shoes  and  a hat,  and  wuz  a talkin  doubtfully  uv 
the  propriety  uv  taxin  bonds.  I go  from  here  to  Pennsylvania, 
to  fill  some  appintments  in  that  State. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


472 


ANTIETAM. 


CL. 

THE  ANTIETAM  DEDICATION. 

Post  Orris,  CoNrEDRiT  X Roads,  ^ 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  V 
September  30,  18G7.  ) 

From  Ohio  to  Washington  ! Ther  is  nary  peace  for  me  ! 
The  sole  uv  my  foot  knows  no  rest.  Wher  Democrisy  is  in  dan- 
ger, ther  I am.  I wuz  called  to  Washinton  to  consult  with  the 
friends  uv  the  President  in  regard  to  the  Anteetam  Dedicashun. 
The  part  his  Eggslency  wuz  to  take  in  that  affair  — wat  he 
wuz  to  say  — wat  others  wuz  to  say,  ez  well  ez  who  wuz  to  say 
it,  wuz  a matter  wich  required  not  only  profound  thought,  but 
the  most  careful  considerashun.  Hence  I wuz  called. 

I found  assembled  the  entire  Cabnet,  with  the  addishen  uv 
Binckley;  a gentleman  recently  arrived  from  a foreign 
mission,  named  McCracken : Govenor  Swann  uv  Maryland, 
Ex-Governor  Bradford  ; the  poet  of  the  day.  General  McPoun- 
der,  late  uv  Lee’s  staff,  now  uv  the  Maryland  Melishy  ; Kernel 
Screw,  and  twenty  more  who  hed  held  posishens  uv  trust  and 
profit  under  the  Confedracy,  and  who  wuz  now  holdin  corre- 
spondin  posishens  under  the  Govner  uV  Maryland,  all  uv  wich 
wuz  a discussin  the  various  pints  involved  in  this  matter.  The 
President  hed  prepared  a speech  wich  kivered  thirty-eight 
pages  uv  legle  cap  paper,  and  it  was  segested  that  he  reed  it. 
In  the  impressive  manner  for  which  he  is  celebrated  he 
began  : — 

Fellow  Countrymen  — ” 

‘‘  I object  to  that  fraze,”  said  General  McPounder.  “ It’s 
liable  to  misconstrucshun.  Sposin  that  upon  that  stand  shood 
be  them  wich,  doorin  the  fratrisidle  struggle  wich  lost  me  my 
niggers,  wuz  in  the  Fedral  army  ? I object  to  bein  considered 
the  fellows  uv  sich.” 

The  objeckshun  wuz  finally  got  over  by  the  President’s 
agreein  to  turn,  ez  he  uttered  the  words,  to  the  Maryland 
delegashun  ; Avich  satisfied  em,  ez  the  most  ultra  felt  it  wuz 
enuff  ef  the  President  shood  address  himself  excloosively  to 
Maryland  Dimekrats  ez  his  countrymen.  He  perceeded : — 


MORE  CORRECTIONS. 


473 


“ Gathered  together  onto  a field  wich  the  valor  nv  loyal 
arms  made  forever  memorable  — 

Governor  Swann  objected.  He  wnz  for  consiliation.  How 
cood  our  Southern  brethren  who  had  taken  the  oath  be  con- 
siliated,  ef  the  fact  that  they  wuz  wolloped  wuz  bein  continu- 
ally flung  at  em  ? Besides,  the  word  loyal  ” wuz  offensive  to 
the  heft  uv  the  Democracy.  I sustained  the  objeckshun,  and 
it  wuz  stricken  out.  The  President  resoomed  : — 

Feelin  this  day  an  uncommon  solemnity,  standin,  ez  we  do, 
over  the  mortal  remains  uv  the  thousands  wich  died  in  the 
sacred  cause  uv  Liberty,  and  in  defence  uv  the  flag  uv  our 
coun  — 

“ Hold  ! ” sed  the  impetuous  Maryland  General,  “I  protest. 
In  the  name  of  Maryland  I protest.  Shel  the  Conservatives 
uv  that  glorious  State  be  insulted  by  alloosions  to  liberty 
uv  wich  they  are  deprived,  and  to  the  flag  wich  is  the  symbol 
uv  oppression,  and  under  wich  we  didn’t  fight?” 

I sustained  the  objeckshun,  and  that  wuz  struck  out.  He 
went  on  : — 

When  I cast  my  e}’e  over  this  field,  and  let  it  rest  for  ^ 
instant  on  this  spot  where  the  impetuous  foemen  wuz  driven 
southward  by  our  brave  troops  — ” 

Governor  Swann  remarked  that  on  sich  an  occasion  it  wood 
be  perhaps  better  not  to  menshun  the  partikeler  direckshun 
in  wich  anybody  wuz  driven.  Let  it  read,  I wood  say,  thus : 
On  this  spot  where  the  impetuous  foeman  wuz  driven  by  our 
brave  troops.”  Left  thus  it  woodent  be  espeshally  offensive 
to  anybody.  It  wood  read  ez  well  South  ez  North,  for  in  that 
encounter  both  sides  wuz,  at  times,  driven.  I sustained  the 
amendment,  and  the  President  went  on : — 

In  fucher  years  the  pilgrim  to  the  shrine  uv  Liberty  will 
paws  a moment  on  this  spot,  to  drop  a tear  over  the  graves  uv 
them  who  here  checked  the  advance  uv  the  hosts  uv  the 
rebellion,  and  — ” 

Governor  Swann  was  averse  to  this.  It  wuzn’t  soothin  to 
the  party  wich  wuz  checked.  It  wood  be  better  to  reed, 
drop  a teer  over  the  spot  onto  wich  fraternal  blood  wuz 
shed.”  Seein  no  objection  to  the  amendment,  I lied  it  done. 
He  went  on : — 


474 


THE  SPEECH  COMPLETED. 


The  widder  in  her  northern  home  may  weep,  but  she  may 
console  herself  that  her  husband  died  for  his  country.  She 
may  — ’’ 

Governor  Swann  broke  in.  Sposn/’  sed  he,  you  should 
say,  ^ The  widder  in  her  Northern  or  Southern  home,  ez  the 
case  may  be,  may  weep,’  &c.  Woodn’t  it  be  better?”  I 
thot  so,  and  it  wuz  altered  accordinly.  The  President  per- 
ceeded  : — 

Here,  upon  this  spot,  the  armed  hosts  of  rebellion  were 
met  and  hurled  back  by  — ” 

Governor  Swann  sejested  that  that  be  omitted.  The  word 
rebellion,”  when  applied  to  a brave  people,  who  wuz  strugglin 
for  wat  they  deemed  their  rites,  wuz,  to  say  the  least,  too 
harsh.  It  wuz  struck  out,  and  the  President  went  on : — 
Upon  this  spot,  amid  the  roar  uv  cannon,  the  rattle  uv 
musketry,  and  the  clash  uv  contendin  arms,  thousands  uv  the 
brave  sons  uv  patriotic  sires  gave  up  their  lives.” 

There  wuz  nothin  in  this  objectionable.  It  cood  apply  to 
either  side  or  to  both,  but  ez  everythin  before  it  bed  been 
stricken  out,  and  ez  there  wuz  alloosions  follerin  it  that  wood 
hev  to  be,  it  wuz  advisable  to  bust  it,  and  accordinly  I drew 
my  pencil  over  it. 

The  President  then  wanted  to  know  wat  in  thunder  he  shood 
say.  Feelin  that  he  must  say  suthin,  I prepared  for  him  the 
follerin  remarks  : — 

‘‘My  Fellow-Countrymen:  I appear  afore  yon,  not  for  the 
purpose  uv  makiu  any  lengthy  remarks  : I simply  desire  to 
express  my  approbashn  uv  the  ceremonies  which  hev  taken 
place.  My  appearance  is  the  speech  wich  I will  make.  I 
cood  make  a speech  wich  wood  tech  yoor  feelins,  but  my  thots 
is  in  communion  with  the  dead  — uv  both  sides — whose  deeds 
we  are  here  to  commemorate.  I shel  not  attempt  to  give 
utterance  to  the  feelins  and  emoshuns  inspired  by  the  ceremo- 
nies uv  the  day.  Not  any.  I shel  attempt  no  sich  tiling.  I 
am  here  to  give  countenance  to  the  perceedins  — to  ofhshally 
beam  upon  em  — but  I must  be  permitted  to  hope  that  we  may 
foller  the  example  set  us  by  the  illustrious  dead  — uv  both 
sides  — and  think  uv  the  brave  men  — uv  both  sides  — who  fell 
in  the  fierce  struggle  uv  battle,  and  who  sleep  silent  in  their 


AN  OBJECTION  OVERRULED. 


475 


graves,  yes  — wlio  sleep  in  silence  and  peace  after  the  conflict 
hez  ceased.  Would  to  God  that  we  uv  the  livin  cood  emulate 
their  example  ez  they  lay  sleepin  in  the  tombs.  Wood  that 
we  cood  live,  ez  do  the  silent  dead,  in  peace  and  friendship. 
Yes,  in  peace  and  friendship,  ez  do  the  silent  dead  — uv  both 
sides.  You,  my  fellow-countrymen,  hev  my  earnest  wishes,  ez 
yoo  hev  hed  my  efforts  in  times  gone  by,  in  the  most  tryin 
perils,  to  restore  peace  and  harmony  to  our  distracted  and 
divided  country,  and  yoo  shel  hev  my  last  efforts  in  vindicatin 
uv  the  flag  uv  the  Eepiiblic,  and  the  Constitooshn  uv  our 
Fathers.’’ 

I endeavored  in  this  to  preserve,  ez  nearly  as  possible,  the 
singularly  beautiful  and  loocid  style  uv  the  President,  that  the 
assembled  thousands  who  shood  hear  it  mite  recognize  it 
to-wunst  ez  hizzen.  The  last  sentence  wuz  objected  to.  The 
Marylanders  didn’t  know  whether  they  cood  sit  in  silence  and 
hear  sich  talk  about  the  Flag  uv  the  Pepublic  ” and  the 
“ Constitooshun  uv  our  Fathers.”  But  they  wuz  overruled. 
It  wuz  held,  and  properly,  I think,  that  the  Constitooshun  uv 
our  Fathers  shood  be  understood  ez  meanin  that  instrooment 
afore  the  Ablishnists  hed  knocked  out  uv  it  all  that  made  it 
lovely  in  the  eyes  of  Maryland  — the  nigger  — and  the  flag  ez 
it  wuz  at  that  period.  They  wuz  finally  satisfied  with  it, 
and  Binckley  teched  up  the  speech  in  some  miner  pints  for 
delivery. 

I didn’t  stay  to  the  celebrashun,  for  I hed  biznis  elsewhere. 
I writ  the  President’s  speech,  so  I knew  that  wuz  rite  ; I heard 
Bradford’s  orashen  read,  and  wuz  pleased  with  it.  It  wuz  a 
powerful  apology  for  the  Northern  soldiers,  and  must  hev  had 
a good  effeck  onto  the  Southern  mind.  Feelin  that  it  wuz  ail 
rite,  I left  agin  for  my  feeld  uv  labor. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


476 


IN  OHIO. 


CLI. 

MR.  NASBY  ASSISTS  IN  THE  OHIO  ELECTION.  — 
THE  DEFEAT  OP  THE  AMENDMENT. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
October  12,  1867. 

Feeltn  that  the  time  hed  arrived  which  wuz  to  decide 
whether  7,000  degradid  niggers  wuz  to  grind  500,000  proud 
Caucashens  into  the  dust,  I felt  that  ef  I shood  fail  in  my  dooty 
now,  I shood  be  forever  disgraced.  Accordingly,  I put  in  the 
eleckshun  day  at  a Dimoc ratio  town  in  Ohio  — the  battle-field 
— the  iderxtilde  place  into  wich  I made  a speech  doorin  the 
campane. 

I arrived  ther  on  the  mornin  uv  the  elekshun,  an  found  that 
comperhensive  arrangements  hed  bin  made  for  defeatin  this 
most  nefarus  and  dangerous  proposishen.  Paradin^the  streets 
ez  early  ez  7 A.  M.  wuz  a wagon  containin  25  virgins,  runnin 
from  27  to  39,  the  most  uv  em  ruther  wiry  in  texture,  and  over 
their  heads  wuz  banners,  with  the  followin  techin  inscriptions: 

Fathers,  save  us  from  Nigger  Ekality  ! ” White  Husbans 
or  none  ! ’’  It  wood  hev  bin  better,  I thot,  hed  they  bin  some- 
what younger.  Ther  wuz  suthin  preposterous  in  the  ijee  uv 
females  uv  that  age  callin  upon  fathers  to  save  em  from  any- 
thin, when  in  the  course  of  nacher  their  fathers  must  hev  bin  a 
lyin  in  the  silent  tomb  for  several  consecutive  years,  onless, 
indeed,  they  marrid  young.  Ef  still  livin  (I  judged  from  the 
aged  appearance  uv  the  damsels),  their  parents  must  be  too 
far  advanced  in  yeers  to  take  an  activ  part  in  biznis.  In  another 
wacron  wuz  a collekshun  uv  men  wich  hed  bin  hired  from  the 
railrode,  twelve  miles  distant,  whose  banners  read,  “ Shel 
ignerent  Niggers  vote  beside  intelligint  Wite  men  ? ’’  Hangin 
over  the  polls  wuz  a broad  piece  uv  white  muslin,  onto  wich 
was  painted,  in  large  letters,  Caucashuns,  Respeck  yer  Noses 

Oliio,  the  most  radical  of  tlie  Western  States,  voted  down  the  Amendment 
striking  tlie  word  “ v^hite  ” out  of  her  constitution  by  an  enormous  majority. 
The  result  was  as  mortifying  to  the  liberal  men  of  the  United  States  as  it  was 
gratifying  to  the  rebels  and  their  Northern  coadjutors. 


Parade  oe  the  Virgins.  Page  476. 


THE  ANTI-NEGEO  FEELING. 


477 


— the  nigger  stinks  ! ” Then  I knowed  it  wuz  safe.  That 
odor  hez  never  yet  bin  resisted  by  the  Deraocrasy,  and  it  hez 
its  inflooence  over  Republikins. 

I never  saw  sich  enthoosiasm,  or  more  cheerin  indicaslmns 
nv  the  pride  uv  race.  Ez  evidence  uv  the  deep  feeling  that 
pervaded  that  community,  1 state  that  nine  paupers  in  the  poor- 
house  demanded  to  be  taken  to  the  polls,  that  they  might  enter 
their  protest  agin  bringin  the  nigger  up  to  a ekality  wdth  em, 
wich  wuz  nine  gain  with  no  offsets,  ez  ther  wuzn’t  an  Ablish- 
nist  in  the  institooshun.  Two  men,  in  the  county  jale  for  petty 
larcen}^,  wuz,  at  their  own  rekest,  taken  out  of  doorence  vile 
by  the  Sheriff  uv  the  county,  that  they  mite,  by  the  ballot, 
protest  agin  bein  degraded  by  bein  compelled,  when  their  time 
wuz  out,  to  acknowledge  the  nigger  ez  their  ekal.  One 
enthoosiastic  Dimekrat,  who  cost  us  |5,  hed  to  be  carried  to 
the  polls.  He  hed  commenced  early  at  one  uv  the  groseries, 
and  hed  succumbed  afore  votin.  We  found  him  sleepin  peace- 
fully in  a barn.  We  lifted  the  patriotic  man,  and  in  percession 
marched  to  the  polls.  We  stood  him  on  his  feet,  two  men  sup- 
portin  him  — one  on  either  side.  I put  a straight  ticket  into 
his  fingers,  and  takin  his  wrist  with  one  hand,  held  his  fingers 
together  with  tother,  and  guided  his  hand  to  the  box.  Ez  it 
neared  the  winder,  he  started  ez  ef  a electric  shock  hed  struck 
him,  and,  straightenin  up,  asked,  Is  it  the  sthrate  ticket?  Is 
Constooshnel  Amindmint  No  ! onto  it?  ” 

Ashoorin  him  that  it  wuz  all  rite,  he  suffered  me  to  hold  his 
hand  out  to  the  Judge  uv  Eleckshun,  who  took  the  ballot  and 
deposited  it  in  the  box.  Thank  Hivin  ! sed  he,  the  nagur 
is  not  yet  my  ayquil ! ’’  and  doublin  up  at  the  thigh  and  knee- 
joints,  he  sank,  limber-like,  and  gently,  onto  the  ground.  Ez 
he  hed  discharged  the  dooty  uv  an  Amerikin  freeman,  we 
rolled  him  out  to  one  side  uv  the  house,  wher  the  drippin  uv 
rain  from  the  roof  wood  do  suthin  toward  soberin  him  off,  and 
left  him  alone  in  his  glory. 

The  amendment  got  but  a very  few  votes  in  that  locality. 
The  Republikins  jined  us  in  repudiatin  it,  mostly  upon  ethno- 
logikle  grounds.  One  asserted  that  he  hed  bin  in  favor  uv 
emancipashen  in  time  uv  war,  becoz  the  Afrikin  cood  thereby 
be  indoost  to  fite  agin  their  Southern  masters,  and  it  wood  hev 


478 


INTELLIGENCE. 


the  effeck  uv  makin  the  drafts  come  lighter  in  his  township. 
He  wuz  a humanitarian  likewise.  He  opposed  crooelty  toward 
em.  He  wept  when  he  heerd'liv  the  massacre  at  Fort  Filler, 
becoz  in  the’  army  the  nigger  wuz  ez  much  a man  ez  anybody, 
and  sich  wholesale  slaughters  tendid  to  make  calls  for  500,000 
more  more  frekent.  But  when  it  come  to  givin  uv  em  the 
privilege  uv  votin  beside  him,  it  coodent  be  thot  uv.  He  cood 
never  consent  that  a race  whose  heels  wuz  longer  than  hizzen 
shood  rool  Ameriky.  My  God  ! sed  this  ardent  Bepublikin, 
ef  you  give  em  the  ballot,  wat  kin  prevent  em  from  bein 
Congrismen,  Senators,  Vice-Presidents,  and  even  Presidents  ? 
I shudder  when  I think  uv  it ; ” and  he  hurried  in  his  vote. 

I didn’t  quite  see  the  force  uv  his  objecshen,  for  it  never 
okkurred  to  me  that  bein  sent  to  Congris  wuz  the  nateral 
consekence  uv  votin.  I hev  voted  for  thirty  years,  at  many 
elections  four  or  five  times,  but  I hev  never  bin  to  Congris. 
Wher  is  the  constituency  wich  wood  elect  me  ? But  it  wuzn’t 
my  biznis  to  controvert  his  pdsishen.  It  made  no  difference  to 
me  wat  his  reason  wuz  for  votin  ez  I desired  him  to  vote. 

The  nigger-lovers  beat  up  one  man  to  vote  for  the  Amend- 
ment, wich,  I ‘saw  by  his  dissatisfied  look,  hed  bin  over-per- 
sw’adid.  “ Sir  ! ” sed  I,  do  yoo  consider  a Afrikin  suffishently 
intelligent  to  be  trustid  with  so  potent  a weapon  ez  the 
ballot  ? ” V 

Bustin  away  from  them  wich  hed  him  in  charge,  he  ex- 
claimed, No,  I don’t ! I can’t  vote  for  it.  They  ain’t 
intelligent  enuff.  Sir,  scratch  off  the  ^ Yes  ’ from  my  ballot, 
and  put  onto  it  ^ No  ! ’ ” 

Here  is  a pensil,”  sed  I. 

Do  it  yerself,”  sed  he  ; “ I can’t  write.” 

And  I did  it.  Sich  is  the  effeck  uv  a word  in  season. 
Words  fitly  spoken  is  apples  uv  gold,  set  in  picters  uv 
silver. 

One  man  woodent  listen  to  me,  but  votid  the  Amendment. 
He  hed  bin  a soljer,  and  for  eleven  months  pertook  uv  the 
hospitality  uv  the  Confedrits  at  Andersonville.  Escapin,  he 
wuz  helped  to  the  Fedral  lines  by  a nigger,  who  wuz  flogged 
almost  to  death,  in  his  site,  for  not  betrayin  wher  he  wuz  hid. 
I mite  ez  well  hev  talked  to  a lamp-post,  or  whispered  Gray’s 


THE  EFFECT  IN  KENTUCKY. 


479 


Elegy  into  the  ears  nv  a dead  mule,  wich  is  the  deadest  thing 
I ever  see.  Ez  he  shoved  in  his  ballot,  he  remarkt  siithin 
about  he’d  ruther  see  a nigger  vote  than  a d — d rebel,  any 
time.  From  the  direckshun  uv  his  eye-site,  1 persoom  he 
referred  to  me. 

I left  for  home  ez  soon  ez  the  votes  wuz  counted,  and  the 
result  v/uz  made  known,  only  waitin  till  the  poll-books  wuz 
made  out,  and  the  judges  uv  eleckshun  hed  got  tlier  names 
written  by  the  clerks,  and  hed  made  their  marks  to  em.  On 
my  way  home  I wuz  gratified  to  see  how  the  nateral  antipathy 
to  the  nigger  hed  revived.  At  Cincinati,  the  nite  uv  the 
eleckshn,  they  wuz  bangin  uv  em  about,  the  patriotic  Democ- 
risy  goin  for  em  wherever  they  cood'find  em,  and  the  next 
day,  ez  I saw  em  at  the  ralerode  stashens,  they  hed,  generally 
speekin,  tlier  heds  bandaged.  It  wuz  cheerin  to  me,  and  I 
gloated  over  it. 

Full  uv  gladnis,  I entered  Kentucky,  and  joyfully  I wendid 
my  way  to  the  Corners.  I wuz  the  bearer  uv  tidins  uv 
great  joy,  and  my  feet  wuz  pleasant  onto  the  mountins. 
Ez  I walked  into  Bascom’s,  they  all  saw  in  my  face  suthin 
uv  importance. 

Wat  is  it  ? ” sed  Deekin  Pogram.  Is  it  weal  or  woe  ? ” 

‘‘Is  the  proud  Caucashen  still  in  the  ascendant  in  Ohio,  or 
hez  the  grovelin  Afrikin  ground  him  into  the  dust  ? ” askt 
Issaker  Gavitt. 

“ My  friend,”  sed  I,  takin  up  the  Deekin’s  whisky,  wich,  in 
the  eggscitement  uv  the  moment,  he  didn’t  observe,  “ the 
Constitooshnel  Amendment,  givin  the  nigger  ekal  rites,  hez  bin 
votid  down  by  the  liberty-lovin  freemen  uv  Ohio.  Three 
cheers  for  Ohio.” 

They  wuz  given. with  a will.  The  wildest  enthoosiasm  wuz 
awakened.  Bascom  put  a spigot  in  a fresh  barl,  and  the  church 
bells  wuz  set  a ringin.  The  niggers  wore  a dismayed  look, 
and  got  out  uv  the  way  ez  soon  ez  possible.  A meetin  wuz 
to-wunst  organized.  Deekin  Pogram  felt  that  this  wuz  a proud 
day.  Light  wuz  breakin.  The  dark  clouds  uv  fanaticism  wuz 
breakin  away.  We  hed  now  the  Afrikin  in  his  normal  posishen 
in  Ohio,  and  we  will  soon  hev  him  likewise  in  Kentuck3^  He 
moved  the  adopshen  uv  the  follerin  resolooshens  : — 


480 


RESOLUTION. 


WareaSj  Noer  oust  Canan,  and  condemned  him  to  be  a 
servant  onto  his  brethren,  thereby  cleerly  indikatin  the  status 
uv  the  race  for  all  time  to  be  one  uv  inferiority ; and, 

Wareas,  To  further  show  to  the  eyes  uv  the  most  obtoose 
that  a difference  wuz  intended,  the  Almighty  gave  the  nigger 
a different  anatomicle  struckter,  for  full  partikelars  uv  wich 
see  the  speeches  uv  the  Demokratic  stumpers  doorin  the  late 
campaign;  and, 

Wareas,  The  attempt  to  place  the  nigger  on  an  ekality 
with  the  white  in  votin  ez  well  ez  taxashun,  we  consider  the 
sappin  uv  the  very  foundashun  uv  civil  liberty,  ez  well  ez  uv 
the  Crischen  religion  ; therefore, 

Resolveclj  That  the  Constooshnel  and  Biblikle  Democracy 
uv  Kentucky  send  greetin  to  their  brethren  uv  Ohio,  with 
thanks  for  their  effectooal  sqnelchin  uv  nigger  superiority. 

Resolved,  That  to  the  Republikins  uv  Ohio,  who  voted  agin 
suffrage,  our  thanks  is  due,  and  we  congratulate  em  that  now 
they,  ez  well  ez  us,  are  saved  from  the  danger  uv  marryin 
niggers ; and  likewise  do  we  asshoor  em,  that  in  a spirit  uv 
mutual  forbearance,  we  care  not  wat  particular  creed  they 
perfess,  so  long  ez  they  vote  our  principles. 

Resolved,  That  the  will  uv  the  people  havin  bin  cleerly 
indikated,  we  demand  the  insershun  uv  the  word  ‘ white  ’ in 
the  Constitooshun  uv  the  Yoonited  States. 

Resolved,  That  we  ask  the  colored  voters  uv  Tennessee, 
and  other  States  where  colored  men  hev  votes,  to  observe  how 
they  are  treated  in  Ohio,  where  the  Ablishnists  don’t  need  em. 
In  them  States  we  extend  to  em  a corjel  invitashun  to  act 
with  us.” 

The  fakulty  uv  the  Institoot  met  next  mofnin,  for  the  purpus 
uv  revisin  the  Scripters.  It  wuz  decided  that  the  word 
white  ” should  be  insertid  wherever  necessary,  and  that  that 
edishen  only  be  yoosed  by  the  Dimocracy  and  Conservativ 
Republikins.  We  made  progress,  the  follerin  bein  a few  uv 
the  changes : — 

^ So  God  created  a white  man  in  his  own  image.’ 

^ Whosoever,  therefore,  shall  confess  me  before  white 
men,’  &c. 


WHITE  Children  to  come  unto  Me.”  Page  481. 


481 


THE  WORD  WHITE.’’ 

^ Suffer  little  white  children  to  come  unto  me,  for  uv  sich  is 
the  kingdom  .uv*  Heaven.’  ” 

Wich  last  is  comfortin,  ez  it  shows  that  the  distincshen 
is  kept  up  through  all  eternity.  I give  these  merely  ez 
samples.  We  shel  hev  it  finisht  in  a few  days,  and,  ef  funds 
kin  be  raised,  shel  publish  it.  Sich  a vershun  uv  the  Skripters 
is  needid. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


CLII. 

A MEETING  AT  THE  CORNERS. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
October  30,  1867. 

I wuz  a sittin  in  the  Post  Offs,  a cogitatin  over  the  results 
uv  the  Ohio  and  Pennsylvany  elections,  and  hopin  for  an  ekally 
good  report  from  Noo  York,  thinkin  that  ef  my  hopes  wuz 
realized,  and  sich  a Constitooshnel  Dimokrat  ez  Seymour  shood 
be  elected,  I mite,  in  considerashun  uv  my  long,  and  I bleeve 
valuable  services,  aspire  to  suthin  more  profitable  than  a Post 
Offis.  I do  not  complain,  for  the  posishen  hez  bin  the  means 
uv  establishin  a credit  upon  wich  I hev  lived  thus  far  comfort- 
able ; but  yet  I shood  prefer  a place  where  the  salary  wood 
be  suffishent  to  give  me  enuff  so  that  I cood  lay  up  suthin  for 
old  age. 

I felt  good  over  the  victory,  and  it  seemed  to  me  ez  tho  we 
ought  to  speak,  ez  Kentuckians,  to  our  brethren  North,  in- 
structin  uv  em  how  to  hold  the  Staits  wich  they  hev  won 
for  us. 

I give  notis,  that  the  Corners  wood  assemble  at  the  tootin 
uv  the  horn,  for  the  purpose  uv  sendin  forth  the  voice  uv 
Kentucky  to  the  Staits  North.  The  evenin  come,  and  the 
31 


482 


THE  REGULAR  SPEECH. 


entire  Corners  wuz  there.  Deekin  Pogram  wuz  in  his  regler 
seat;  Tssaker  Gavitt  wuz  in  his  sainted  father’s  place,  wich 
hez  gone  hentz.  Kernel  McPelter  w^iz  there,  and  also  the 
others  who  made  up  the  male  population  uv  the  Corners,  and 
their  wives.  It  wuz  a glorious  meetin,  and  I wuz  a rubbin  my 
hands  and  feelin  good  at  the  prospeck  uvan  improvin  occashun, 
when,  to  my  utter  disgust,  I saw  the  door  open,  and  Joe  Bigler, 
who  wuz  born  to  be  my  pest,  come  in,  with  Pollock,  and  twenty 
or  twenty-five  niggers,  old  and  young,  male  and  female,  white, 
yaller,  and  black,  and  all  uv  em  took  seats  together  in  the 
corner  uv  the  church.  I knowd  by  the  meek  look  uv  the  nig- 
gers, and  the  eggstreem  quietood  uv  Bigler  hisself,  that  suthin 
wuz  up,  wich  wood  develop  itself.  Bigler  and  Pollock  gen- 
erally develop. 

1 opened  the  meetin  by  remarkin  that  “ the  times  wore  an 
auspishus  look.  The  power  uv  the  nigger  in  Amerikin  politics 
hed  bin  demonstrated.  The  nigger  lied  bin  so  manipulated  in 
Ohio  and  Pennsylvany  ez  to  give  us  these  States,  which  we 
cood  hold.  But  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Ohio  and  Pennsylvany  hed 
a work  to  do,  wich  they  cannot  neglect  with  safety.  They  hed 
declared  the  nigger  inferior  to  the  Caucashen,  and  they  must 
keep  him  so.  The  nigger  must  be  kept  jist  wher  he  is,  to 
serve  ez  a irritant  to  Dimocrisy.  Ohio  gives  the  niggers  uv 
that  State  certain  facilities  for  learnin  to  reed  and  write  ; 
accomplishments  wich  no  laborin  class  wich  is  to  be  guided, 
controlled,  and  worked  excloosively  by  a sooperior  class,  needs 
or  hez  any  biznis  with.  So  soon  ez  a man  begins  to  reed  he 
begins  to  hev  an  inquirin  mind,  and  begins  to  feel  a dissatisfac- 
tion with  his  speer.  Let  Ohio  repeel  these  laws  to-wunst,  that 
the  niggers  may  not  — ” 

Reverse  the  arrangement,”  sed  Bigler,  and  git  to  be 
sooperior  to  the  white.  Is  that  it,  Perfesser?” 

Not  eggsackly  that,”  returned  I,  not  knowin  wat  he  wuz 
drivin  at,  but  ez  Hevin  ordained  the  niggers  to  be  inferior 
to  us,  and  serve  us,  it  looks  rather  dangerous  to  — ” 

Give  him  a chance  to  rise  ? That’s  wat  yoor  gettin  at,  I 
see.  I am  a Dimocrat,  ez  yoo  know  ; but  I don’t  shudder  from 
that  cause  — not  any.  I hev  faith  in  the  Lord,  wich  yoo  ap- 
pear to  lack,  wich  is  strange,  considerin  yoor  profeshun.  Ef 


AND  THE  REGULAR  INTERRUPTION. 


483 


my  colored  friends  here  wuz  ordained  by  the  Almighty  to  alluz 
okkepy  an  inferior  position  to  us,  why,  theydl  do  it  anyhow, 
onless,  indeed,  we  degrade  ourselves  below  ther  level.  Ef  I 
understand  yoor  idea,  it  is  that  the  proud  Caucashen  is  the 
only  favored  race  wich  fixes  its  own  posishen  itself,  and  that 
all  the  other  races  hed  places  assigned  them,  wich  Godalmity 
hevin  fixed,  they  can’t  pass.  That  bein  the  case,  wat’s  the 
yoose,  Perfesser,  uv  our  foolin  away  our  time  a tryin  to 
strengthen  his  laws  by  any  act  uv  ours?  Ef  the  Almighty 
fixed  it,  kin  we  do  it  any  better  than  he  ? ” 

But  spos’n  the  nigger,  ef  we  don’t  keep  him  down  by  law, 
shood  rise  above  us  ? ” 

I shood  unanimously  conclood  that  ther  hed  bin  a mistake 
in  the  figgers,  and  that  we  wuz,  after  all,  the  sons  uv  Ham  and 
they  uv  Japheth.  How  wood  yoo  like  that  ? But  that  ain’t 
wat  ails  us.  There  ain’t  where  our  danger  is.  Dimocrisy, 
like  a man  with  a tape-worm,  carries  the  elements  uv  its  own 
destruckshen.  Missegenashun  is  wat’s  sappin  the  founda- 
shuns  uv  the  party.  Agreein  with  yoo  that  the  nigger’s 
place  is  fixed,  and  that  the  Dimocrisy  coodent  git  along  with- 
out the  nigger,  I here  utter  my  solemn  warning  agin  the  con- 
tinyooal  lessenin  uv  the  race,  becoz  that  race  is  our  rock,  and 
onto  that  we  stand.  Wat  sense  is  there  in  wastin  our  capital, 
or  ruther  dilutin  it  ? ” 

Wat  do  yoo  mean  ? ” askt  I,  not  gittin  at  the  drift  uv  wat 
he  wuz  drivin  at. 

Mean ! My  meanin  is  plain.  The  blacker  the  nigger  is, 
the  further  he  is  below  us  ; the  whiter  he  is,  the  nearer  our 
ekal  he  is.  In  this  calculashun  we  don’t  take  intelligence,  or 
virchoo,  or  anything  of  the  kind  into  account,  but  perceed 
upon  the  hypothesis  that  a devilish  mean  white  man  is  consid- 
erable better  than  a smart  and  honest  nigger.  Therefore,  any 
drop  uv  white  blood  in  a nigger’s  veins  makes  him  just  one 
drop  less  objectionable.  Look  at  the  specimens  wich  I hev 
brought  with  me  to  illustrate  my  pint.  The  light-colored  nig- 
gers will  rise.” 

And  every  cussed  one  uv  em  got  up,  ez  ef  by  majic,  and  I 
saw  to-wunst  wat  he  wuz  goin  for. 

You  see*  Perfesser,  I hev  here  twenty -two  spiled  niggers. 


484 


THE  TROUBLED  SISTERS. 


Every  one  nv  them  ought  to  bev  bin  the  son  or  daughter  uv 
two  pure  niggers,  but  they  ain’t.  This  one’s  mother,  for 
instance,”  and  li^e  laid  his  hand  upon  the  shoulder  uv  a likely 
quadroon  uv  eighteen  years,  wuz  wunst  the  property  uv 
Deekin'Pogram,  wich  circumstance  accounts  for  her  hevin  the 
Pogram  nose  and  general  cast  uv  countenance  to  an  alarmin 
degree,  and  — ” 

Ther  avuz  a piercin  shreek  heard,  and  Mrs.  Pogram  was 
carried  out  faintin,  and  the  Deekin  turned  ez  red  ez  a lobster, 
while  Bigler,  ez  solemn  ez  a judge,  went  on : — 

This  girl  wuz  wunst  the  property  uv  Deekin  McGrath, 
who  is,  I notis,  here  to-nite.  Melissy,  stand  up,”  sed  he,  and  a 
likely  mulatto  woman  ariz.  You  will  notis,”  sed  he,  that 
Melissy  is  rather  dark,  while  her  girl,  wich  yoo  see  afore  yoo, 
is  a half  lighter.  The  race  bleached  out  considerable  on  Dee- 
kin McGrath’s  place.  I hev  ten  or  fifteen  more,  uv  various 
shades,  who  hev  the  McGratli  face,  but — ” 

Mrs.  Deekin  McGrath,  utterin  a shreek  uv  rage,  swung  out 
of  the  church,  while  the  Deekin  to-wunst  assoomed  the  color 
uv  his  fellow  Deekin,  Pogram. 

I mite  go  on;  but  wlierefore  ? Yoo  all  see  the  pint.  I 
kin  show  yoo,  in  this  colleckshun,  wich  I hev  picked  up,  the 
pecoolyer  feachers  uv  the  Dingeses,  the  McPelters,  the  Bas- 
coms,  and  every  family  around  these  parts,  — that  is,  the 
feechers  uv  the  male  members  uv  em.  But  sence  the  emanci- 
pashun  I hev  notist  that  this  thing  hez  come  to  a sudden  endin. 
I hev  notist  that  sence  the  niggers  hev  owned  theirselves, 
there  ain’t  no  more  uv  this  mixter.  Yoo  purpose,  I suppose, 
agin  redoosin  uv  em  to  their  normel  condishun,  and  makin  uv 
em  men-servants  and  maid-servants.  Ef  this  is  done,  let  me 
entreet  yoo,  brethren,  to  stop  the  bleechin  process.  Ef  yoo 
h*ev  any  regard  for  the  Dimocrisy,  don’t  tolerate  it  no  more. 
The  moment  a half-white  nigger  is  born,  yoo  can’t  enslave  only 
half  uv  him  ; for  only  lialf  comes  under  the  cuss,  and  only  half 
under  the  laws  agin  niggers.  That  one  half  keeps  down  to 
the  Ham  level,  but  tother  sores  to  the  Japhet  place  in  nacher. 
Yoo  can’t  whale  a mulatto  with  only  half  the  intensity  yoo  kin 
a clear-blooded  nigger ; and  when  they  keep  bleachin  out,  and 
out,  and  out,  ontil  they  are  almost  white,  what  then?  When  a 


JOY  AT  THE  CORNERS. 


485 


nigger  is  nine  tenths  Pograin,  and  only  one  tenth  nigget,  v/hat 
then?  Kin  the  Deekin  be  so  deaf  to  the  voice  nv  nacher  — 
so  bare  uv  impulse  ez  to  oppress  so  much  Pogram  for  the  sake 
uv  gettin  his  foot  on  so  little  nigger  ? I can’t  beleeve  it.  Be- 
sides, when  it’s  all  run  out  — when  the  nigger  don’t  show  at  all 
— then  wat  is  to  prevent  em  from  walkin  off  alone,  and  settin 
up  biznis  for  themselves  ez  white  men  ? What  will  become  uv 
the  Dimocrasy  then  ? ” 

All  this  time  the  niggers  wuz  titterin,  and  the  white  women 
wuz  gaspin  for  breath,  and  the  men  wuz  turnin  red  and  white 
by  turns.  I arose  to  rebuke  him,  when  Bigler  remarkt  that  he 
guest  enuff  bed  bin  sed,  and  that  probably  the  meeting  hed 
better  be  adjourned.  And  the  audacious  cuss  give  us  two 
minutes  and  a half  to  get  out  uv  the  buildin. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


CLIII. 

THE  NOVEMBER  ELECTION. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  y 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 
November  10,  1867.  ) 

The  Corners  wuz  prostrated  with  joy  last  nite  at  the  receet 
uv  the  news  uv  the  November  elecshuns.  Ther  wuz  nothin 
demonstrative  about  our  joy,  ez  thei'e  hed  bin  on  occasions  uv 
less  interest.  No  ! the  result  wuz  too  great,  too  overwhelminly 
great ! Our  nachers  wuz  filled  with  joy,  and  it  bubbled  up  to 
the  eyes,  and  slept  over  in  floods  uv  teers.  Deekin  Pogram’s 
dawter  Mirandy  borrered  a tamborine,  wich  wood  answer  for  a 
timbrel,  and  attempted  to  dance  down  the  street,  after  the 
fashion  uv  Miriam,  singin,  Shout  the  glad  tidens,”  et  settry, 


The  hope  of  the  Southern  people  that  they  would  finally  get  pay  for  their 
negroes  did  not  leave  them  till  after  tlie  election  of  General  Grant  in  1868. 
Every  Democratic  victory  in  the  North  revived  it. 


486 


A MEETING. 


but  we  rebookt  her.  Sich  exultasben  seemed  to  us  inadekate. 
The  Deekin  met  me,  and  fallin  onto  my  neck,  wept  perfoosely 
down  my  back,  wich  I stood  ez  long  ez  I cood  bear  the  mois- 
ture. Gently  disengagin  him,  I led  him  to  Bascom’s,  fearin 
that  so  great  a waste  uv  flooids  wood  cut  short  the  old  saint’s 
life,  unless  that  waste  cood  be  repaired.  We  supplied  the 
deficiency  to-wunst.  Never  saw  I sich  a picter.  The  blessid 
old  man  sittin  onto  a bench,  a glass  uv  hot  whiskey  in  his 
hand  ; his  white  hair  a fallin  scantily  about  his  temples,  and 
tears  a running  in  rapid  succession  adown  his  frost-bitten  nose, 
and,  glitterin  a moment  on  the  tip,  droppin,  like  strings  uv 
pearls,  into  the  space  below  ! It  wuz  tetchin  ! 

The  citizens  met  that  evening,  not  to  rejoice,  but  to  adopt 
sich  measures  for  turning  the  victry  to  account  ez  the  occasion 
seemed  to  demand.  The  Deekin  wuz  there,  and  I beleeve 
every  white  male  citizen  uv  the  Corners  wuz  in  his  seet  afore 
the  glad  peals  uv  the  bell  hed  ceased  pealin.  1 assoomed  the 
chair,  and  stated  the  object  uv  the  meetin.  Noo  York  hed 
spoken,  and  Noo  Jersey,  the  blessed  State  uv  which  1 hed  the 
honor  to  be  a native,  hed  returned  to  her  fust  love.  I wuz  not 
now  ashamed  to  own  that  I wuz  a native  uv  Noo  Jersey.  I 
am  proud  uv  it,  and  were  it  not  for  the  fact  that  I owe  neerly 
half  uv  her  citizens,  in  sums  rangin  from  a half  dollar  up  to 
eighteen,  I wood  return  there  to-wunst.  But  I won’t.  It 
wood  awaken  expectations  in  their  buzzums  wich  wood  never 
be  fulfilled,  and  I’m  too  tender-hearted,  too  considrit  uv  the 
feelins  uv  others,  to  lasserate  them  feelins.  I can’t  properly 
express  my  emoshuns.  Thank  Heaven  the  nigger  is  ourn. 
The  Northern  States  hev  spoken,  and  in  thunder  tones.  The 
Ethiopian  wunst  wuz  on  the  top  wave,  but  wher  is  he  now  ? 
Two  years  ago  he  wuz  needed  — but  now  wher  is  he?  The 
Ablishnists  don’t  need  him  no  more  to  fill  up  ther  quotas,  the)^ 
don’t  need  him  no  more  to  take  ther  places  in  the  next  draft, 
and  thank  the  Lord  he’s  the  same  d — d nigger  he  alluz  wuz  ! 
The  stink  uv  the  nigger  hez  overcome  ther  gratitood  to  him  — 
ther  good  feelin  hez  bin  swamped  by  ther  prejoodis.  The 
Dimocrasy  uv  the  two  sections  uv  the  Yoonion  hez  rusht  into 
each  other’s  arms,  the  nigger  wuz  between  em,  and  conse- 
kently  is  under  our  feet.  What  happinis  for  Kentucky  ! The 


DEACON  POGRAM’S  CLAIM. 


487 


nigger  can’t  go  North  with  the  elecshen  returns  starin  him  in 
the  face,  and  ef  he  stays  here  he  must  stay  on  our  terms. 
Thank  the  Lord. 

Deekin  Pogram  sed  that  he  hednt  felt  so  good  sence  his  first 
wife  died.  He  felt  too  good  to  speek,  and  the  brethren  wood 
excuse  him  ef  his  remarks  shood  be  breef.  (We  will ! We 
will ! with  great  yoonanimity.)  Four  weeks  ago,  when  we 
heerd  from  Ohio  aud  Pennsylvany,  he  hed  to-wunst  drawd  up  a 
skedule  uv  the  loss  that  hed  bin  inflicted  onto  him  by  the 
tyranical  edict  uv  the  Illinoy  Goriller,  a copy  uv  wich  he 
wood  reed : — 


$1,500 

1,300 

1,400 

1,000 


YOONITED  STATES  UV  AMERIKY, 

In  Account  with  Gabrel  Pogram,  Dr. 

To  1 nigger,  Sam,  26  years  old 

1 Pompey,  30 

1 “ Scip,  30 

1 “ Peter,  40 

To  one  lot  misselaneous  niggers,  22  in  number, 
mostly  crippled,  and  not  uv  much  akkount, 
hevin  bin  flogd  and  chawd  by  dorgs,  and  in- 
joored  by  being  knockt  about  the  head  and 
back,  a dissiplinin  uv  em,at,  say,  $500  each. 

To  one  nigger  gal,  Jane,  18  years  old,  nearly 
white,  with  bloo  eyes  and  curly  hair,  for  wich 
I hed  bin  offered  $2,500  to  go  to  Noo  Orleans, 

To  other  wenches,  uv  all  shades  and  ages,  12  in 
number,  averagin,  say,  $500, 


00 

00 

00 

00 


11,000  00 


2,500 


00 


6,000  00 


$24,700  00 

This  bill  he  determined  to  put  in,  becoz  uv  this  property  he 
hed  bin  robbed.  Last  nite  he  heerd  uv  the  result  uv  the  Noo 
York  and  Noo  Jersey  elecshuns,  aad  he  felt  that  more  }dt  wuz 
due  him  from  the  unconstooshnel  government  under  wich  we 
are  forst  to  Jive.  He  wanted  pay,  not  only  for  his  twenty- 
four  thousand  dollars’  worth  uv  nigger,  but  legle  interest  on 
the  amount,  from  Emancipashen  to  date,  incloodin  wat  he  paid 
to  hev  the  calculation  made,  and  the  interest  figgered  onto  it, 


488 


A DISCUSSION. 


and  he  wanted  it  in  gold,  ez  he  considered  greenbax  jist  ez 
unconstooshnel  ez  emancipashen. 

Issaker  Gavitt  remarkt,  that  he  hed  a claim  on  the  oppress- 
ors. He  hed  made  out  no  bill  ez  yit,  ez  the  nigger  wich  alluz 
did  the  figgerin  for  his  father  got  to  be  impudent,  and  woodent 
do  it  no  more.  But  he  shood  get  somebody  who  cood  write  to 
copy  the  Deekin’s  bill,  wich  wood  answer,  ez  the  two  farms 
workt  about  the  same  number  uv  hands,  tho  uv  fancy  stock  his 
father  hed  alluz  kept  the  most,  wich  accountid  for  his  bein 
more  bald-headed  than  the  Deekin. 

Kernel  McPelter  wantid  no  pay.  He  wantid  his  niggers. 
To  accept  pay  wood  be  to  acknollege  the  right  uv  a Illinoy 
goriiler  to  releese  em,  wich  he  wood  never  do.  He  hed  one 
— he  saw  her  to-day  — wich  he  wood  hev  back  agin.  Her 
and  her  husband,  wich  hed  bin  married  sence  they  wuz  torn 
from  him,  hed  purchist  ten  akers  uv  ground  up  toards  Garretts- 
town,  and  wuz  a livin  onto  it.  Uv  course,  ez  the  emancipashun 
wuz  illegal,  the  produx  uv  their  labor  sence  that  time  wuz 
hizzen,  jest  the  same  ez  though  they  remained  in  their  normal 
condishen.  The  ten  akers  wmodent  make  him  good,  but  they 
hed  two  children  born  to  em  sence,  wich,  ef  niggers  brot  any 
price,  wood  do  suthin  toards  it. 

Bascom  perferred  to  hev  Government  pay  ther  valyoo,  and 
let  em  stay  free.  They  all  hed  some  property  now  — least- 
ways  they  could  do  wat  they  pleased  with  their  money.  Troo, 
the  heft  uv  the  proceeds  uv  their  labor  went  to  Pollock  for  dry 
goods,  and  groceries,  and  sich,  but  he  bleeved  that  they  wuz  a 
imitative  race.  Ef  they  followed  the  eggsample  sot  em  by  their 
white  sooperiors,  they  wood,  in  time,  leave  the  heft  uv  it  at  his 
bar.  He  hed  a few  uv  em  under  trainin  now,  and  he  notist 
that  they  wuz  better  customers  than  the  whites,  ez  they  didn’t 
swaller  their  rasheiis  and  tell  him  to  jist  chalk  it  down.’’ 

A sense  uv  the  meetin  wuz  then  taken,  and  a majority  voted 
to  fust  try  to  redoose  them  to  their  normal  condishen,  and  ef 
that -WUZ  decided  to  be  impracticable,  then  we  cood,  with  still 
better  grace,  demand  their  valyoo  uv  the  Government. 

Yes,”  exclaimed  Kernel  McPelter,  and  for  this  great 
work  ther  is  no  better  time  than  now.  ‘The  Yoonyun  ez  it. 
WUZ  ! ’ Poller  me  ! ” 


AN  EFFORT  AND  A FAILURE. 


489 


And  forthwith  the  entire  congregaslmn  piled  out,  rushing 
toward  the  nigger  settlement  on  the  Garrettstown  road. 

Arrivin  at  the  settlement,  a consultashen  wuz  held.  It  wuz 
desided  that  I shood  advance  to  the  doors  uv  the  houses 
and  demand  surrender,  but  I declined.  Kernel  McPelter 
volunteered,  and  we  all  waited  the  result.  He  knocked  at  the 
door  uv  the  first  house. 

Wha’  d’ye  want?  ” exclaimed  a voice. 

1 want  yoo,”  sed  the  Kernel. 

“ Wa’  foah  ? ” 

My  friend,”  sed  the  Kernel,  impressively,  ef  I recognize 
yoor  dulcet  tone,  yoor  my ’nigger.  Four  years  ago  yoo  wuz 
set  free,  yoo  sposed,  by  Linkin  ; but  we’ve  done  away  with 
that.  Come  forth,  and  give  yoorself  up  ; you  shel,  ef  yoo  go 
peaceably,  hev  yoor  old  quarters  agin,  and  be  treated  ez 
uv  old.” 

Go  away,  white  man,  and  stop  yoor  foolin.  Dis  nigga’s 
in  bed ! ” 

Break  down  the  doors  ! ” yelled  the  Deekin,  and  hev 
done  with  it!”  and 'a  rush  wuz  made. 

The  doors  wuz  broke  down,  and  in  a minit  the  nigger  and 
his  wife,  and  two  children,  wuz  out  in  the  street,  bound,  and 
the  Kernel  hed  the  furnitoor  packt,  ready  to  take  to  his  own 
house.  In  the  mean  time  assaults  hed  bin  made  on  two  other 
houses,  with  ruther  different  results.  Deekin  Pogram  led  one 
on  the  house  uv  a former  slave  uv  hizzen,  and  wuz  disabled  by 
a charge  uv  shot  in  his  leg,  and  the  infooriated  nigger  threw 
open  the  winder  and  swore  that  he’d  empty  totlier  barrel  into 
the  head  uv  the  first  man  who  came  within  range.  The  whole 
settlement  wuz  by  this  time  alarmed,  and  lites  sprang  up,  and 
we  cood  hear  the  click  uv  cocks  uv  muskets,  and  the  pilin  up 
uv  furnitoor  afore  the  doors.  It  wuz  desided  that  the  attempt 
to  re-enslave  em  be  given  over  for  that  nite,  and  carryin  the 
Deekin,  who  wuz  weak  from  loss  uv  blood,  we  made  our  way 
to  the  Corners  agin. 

The  result  demonstrated  to  me  the  impossibility  uv  the  two 
races  livin  together  in  harmony.  There  is  a natral  antagonism 
between  em  wich  must  result  inevitably  in  a war  uv  races, 
onless  their  status  is  fixed  by  law.  So  long  ez  they  are  among 


490 


REGULATING  A SCHOOL. 


US,  SO  long  shel  we  be  tempted  to  siibdoo  em,  and  sich  sole- 
harrowin  scenes  ez  that  uv  last  nite  will  result.  Ez  I beer  the 
groans  uv  that  prostrated  saint,  Deekin  Pogram  (this  is  written 
at  his  bedside  in  the  intervals  uv  feedin  him  likker  with  a 
spoon),  I feel  ez  tho  I must  vindicate  my  birth  by  goin  out  and 
killin  a nigger.  Nothin  but  the  oncertainty  ez  to  who  wood  be 
killed  restrains  me.  Thank  Heaven,  next  yeer,  when  Seymore 
is  President,  and  the  unconstitooshnel  acts  uv-a  Pump  Con- 
gress is  done  away  with,  all  this  will  be  fixed.  It  is  this  that 
soothes  the  Deekin,  and  enables  him  to  endoor  his  sufierins. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
*(wich  is  Postmaster). 


CLIV. 

MR.  NASBY  REGULATES  A SCHOOL. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  y 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  V 
November  25,  1867.  ) 

When  the  Almighty  made  niggers,  he  ought  to  have  made 
em  so  that  mixin  with  the  sooperior  race  would  have  been  an 
impossibility.  I rite  these  lines,  propped  up  in  bed  at  my 
boardin  house,  my  face  beaten  to  a jelly,  and  pefeckly  kivered 
with  stickin  plaster  ; my  nose,  alluz  the  beauty  and  glory  uv 
my  face,  is  enlarged  to  twict  it  fair  proporshens  ; my  few 
remainin  teeth  hev  bin  knockt  down  my  throat,  my  lips  resem- 
ble sausages,  my  left  ear  is  forever  no  more,  and  wat  little  hair 
wuz  a hangin  about  my  venerable  temples  is  gone,  my  head  is 
ez  bald  as  a billy ard  ball,  and  twict  its  normal  size.  It  come 
about  thus : — 

There  was  trouble  in  one  of  the  Southern  counties  uv  Ohio. 
In  a reliably  Democratic  township  in  that  county  is  a settle- 

A zealous  Democratic  scliool  trustee  did  tlirust  the  daughter  of  a Democrat 
out  of  school  in  Monroe  County.  Ohio,  supj)osing  her  to  be  the  daughter  of  a 
negro,  the  real  object  of  his  dislike  sitting  quietly  in  her  seat  meanwhile. 


THE  DISTURBER  LETT. 


491 


ment  uv  niggers,  who,  in  the  old  time,  ran  away  from  Kentucky, 
and  settled  there  where  they  could  hev  wat  they  earned,  wich 
was  jest  so  much  swindled  out  uv  Kentucky.  Uv  course 
comin  from  Kentucky,  these  niggers  are,  many  uv  em,  near 
white  ez  they  can  be.  One  uv  em  who  carried  with  him  the 
name  uv  his  master,  and,  ez  he  says,  father  Lett,  is  ez  near  a 
white  man  ez  may  be,  and  ez  he  married  a wench  who  wuz  a 
shade  whiter  than  he,  their  children  are  jist  a touch  whiter 
than  both  uv  em.  Uv  these  he  bed  three  daughters,  rangin 
from  sixteen  to  twenty. 

Now  this  Lett  is  a disturber.  He  bed  a farm  uv  perhaps 
200  akers,  and  wuz  taxed  heavy  for  skool  purposes,  but  his  chil- 
dren wuzn't  uv  course  allowed  to  attend  the  skool.  None  uv 
the  nigger  children  were.  But  Lett  got  the  ijee  into  his  hed 
that  there  wuzrft  no  propriety  in  his  payin  taxes  without  en- 
joyin  the  benefits  arizin  from  em,  and  aided  and  abetted  by 
other  niggers,  who  were  wicked  enough  to  complain  uv  payin 
taxes  to  the  support  uv  white  skools,  he  sent  his  daughters  to 
the  skool,  directin  them  to  present  theirselves  boldly,  take  their 
seats  quietly,  and  study  perseverinly.  They  did  so,  the  skool- 
marm,  who  avuz  a young  huzzy,  with  black  eyes  and  nateral 
curls,  from  Noo  Hampsheer,  where  they  persekoot  the  saints, 
not  only  assented  to  recevin  em,  but  gave  em  seats  and  put  em 
into  classes  — think  uv  that  — with  white  children. 

There  wuz  trouble  in  that  township.  I wuz  sent  for  to-wunst, 
and  gladly  I come.  I wuz  never  so  gratified  in  my  life.  Had 
smallpox  broken  out  in  that  skool,  there  woodent  hev  bin  half 
the  eggscitement  in  the  township.  It  wuz  the  subjick  uv 
yooniversal  talk  everywhere,  and  the  Democrisy  wuz  a bilin 
like  a pot.  I met  the  trustees  uv  the  township,  and  demanded 
ef  they  intended  tamely  to  submit  to  this  outrage  ? I askt  em 
whether  they  intended  to  hev  their  children  set  side  by  side 
with  the  decendants  uv  Ham,  who  wuz  condemned  to  a po- 
sishen  uv  inferiority  forever?  Kin  you,  I asked,  so  degrade 
yourselves,  and  so  blast  the  self-respeck  uv  yoor  children  ? 

And  bilin  up  with  indignashen,  they  answered  never  ! ’’ 
and  yoonanimously  requested  me  to  accompany  em  to  the  skool- 
house,  that  they  mite  peremptory  expel  these  disgustin  beins 
Avho  hed  obtrooded  themselves  among  those  uv  a sooperior 
race. 


492 


THE  EXPULSION. 


On  the  way  to  the  skoolhonse,  wich  wuz  perhaps  a mile  dis- 
tant, I askt  the  Board  ef  they  knowed  those  girls  by  site.  No, 
they  replied,  they  hed  never  seed  em.  “ I hev  bin  told,”  sed 
I,  “ that  they  are  nearly  white.” 

They  are,”  sed  one  nv  em,  quite  white.”  It  matters 
not,”  sed  I,  feelin  that  there  wuz  a good  opportoonity  for 
improvin  the  occashen,  ‘‘  it  matters  not.  There  is  suthin  in  the 
nigger  at  wich  the  instirlk  uv  the  white  man  absolootly  rebels, 
and  from  wich  it  instinktively  recoils.  So  much  experience 
hev  I had  with  em,  that  put  me  in  a dark  room  with  one  uv 
em,  no  matter  how  little  nigger  there  is  in  em,  and  that  unerrin 
instink  wood  betray  em  to  me,  wich,  by  the  way,  goes  to  prove 
that  the  dislike  we  hev  to  em  is  not  the  result  uv  prejudis,  but 
is  a part  uv  our  very  nacher,  and  one  uv  its  highest  and 
holiest  attriboots.” 

Thus  communin,  we  entered  the  skoolhouse.  The  skool- 
marm  wuz  there,  ez  brite  and  ez  crisp  ez  a Janooary  mornin; 
the  skolers  wuz  ranged  on  the  seets  a studyin  ez  rapidly  ez 
possible. 

Miss,”  sed  I,  ‘‘  we  are  informed  that  three  nigger  wenches, 
daughters  of  one  Lett,  a nigger,  is  in  this  skool,  a minglin  with 
our  daughters  ez  a ekah  Is  it  so  ? ” 

The  Misses  Lett  are  in  this  skool,”  sed  she,  ruther  mis- 
cheeviously,  and  I am  happy  to  state  that  they  are  among  my 
best  pupils.” 

Miss,”  sed  I sternly,  pint  em  out  to  us  ! ” 

Wherefore  ? ” sed  she. 

‘‘  That  we  may  bundle  em  out ! ” sed  I. 

Bless  me  ! ” sed  she,  I reely  coodent  do  that.  Why 
expel  em  ? ” 

BecOz,”  sed  I,  “ no  nigger  shel  contaminate  the  white  chil- 
dren uv  this  deestrick.  No  sech  disgrace  shel  be  put  on 
to  em.” 

Well,”  sed  this  aggravatin  skoolmarm,  wich  wuz  from  Noo 
Hamshire,  yoo  put  em  out.” 

But  show  me  wich  they  are.” 

‘‘  Can’t  yoo  detect  em,  sir  ? Don’t  their  color  betray  em  ? 
Ef  they  are  so  neer  white  that  you  can’t  select  em  at  a glance, 
it  strikes  me  that  it  can’t  hurt  very  much  to  let  em  stay.” 


THE  WRONG  GIRLS. 


493 


I wuz  sorely  puzzled.  There  wuzn’t  a girl  in  the  room  who 
looked  at  all  niggery.  But  my  reputashuu  wuz  at  stake. 
Noticin  three  girls  settin  together  who  wuz  somewat  dark 
complectid,  and  whose  black  hair  waved,  I went  for  em  and 
shoved  em  out,  the  cussid  skoolmarm  almost  bustin  with 
lafter. 

Here  the  tragedy  okkerred.  At  the  door  I met  a man  who 
rode  four  miles  in  his  zeal  to  assist  us.  He  hed  alluz  hed  an 
itchin  to  pitch  into  a nigger,  and  ez  he  cood  do  it  now  safely 
he  proposed  not  to  lose  the  chance.  I wuz  a puttin  on  em 
out,  and  hed  jist  dragged  em  to  the  door,  when  I met  him 
enterin  it. 

Wat  is  this  ? ” sed  he,  with  a surprised  look. 

u We’re  puttin  out  these  cussed  wenches,  who  is  contaminatin 
yoor  children  and  mine,’’  sed  I.  Ketch  hold  uv  that  pekoo- 
lyerly  disgustin  one  yonder,”  sed  I. 

Wenches  ! You  d — d skoundrel,  them  girls  are  my 
girls  ! ” 

And  without  waitin  for  an  explanashen,  the  infooriated 
monster  sailed  into  me,  the  skoolmarm  layin  over  on  one  uv  the 
benches  explodin  in  peels  uv  lafter.  The  three  girls,  indig- 
nant at  bein  mistook  for  nigger  wenches,  assisted  their  parent, 
and  between  em,  in  about  four  minutes  I wuz  insensible.  One 
uv  the  trustees,  pityin  my  woes,  took  me  to  the  neerest  rail- 
road stashen,  and  somehow,  how  I know  not,  I got  home,  where 
I am  at  present  recooperatin. 

I hev  only  to  say  that  when  I go  on  sich  a trip  again,  I shel 
require  as  condislien  precedent  that  the  Afrikins  to  be  put  out 
shel  hev  enuh  Afrikin  into  em  to  prevent  sich  mistakes.  But, 
good  Lord,  wat  he  vent  I suffered  in  this  cause  ? 

Petroi.eum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


494 


A FEARFUL  SIGHT. 


CLV. 

THE  ALABAMA  CONVENTION.  — THE  WOES  OF 
JOHN  GUTTLE,  JR. 

Montgomery,  Ala.,  December  1,  ’67. 

It  is  possible  that  this  world  may  cohtinyoo  to  exist  — 
that  the  heavenly  orbs  may  continyoo  to  roll  about  on  each 
other’s  axises,  and  move  in  harmonious  cycles  into  their  respec- 
tive spheres  — that  comits  may  continyoo  to  wheel  and  turn 
thro  the  speer  assigned  em  in  the  grand  economy  in  celestyel 
space,  but  I doubt  it.  Ef  sich  a disorganizashen  ez  1 am  now 
witnessin  doesn’t  overturn  that  order  wich  is  Heaven’s  first 
law,  all  I kin  say  is,  nacher  is  so  constitooted  ez  to  stand  stun- 
ners of  no  ordinary  magnitood.  I am  in  Montgomery,  in  attend- 
ance on  the  “•  Constooshnel  Convenshen,”  ez  it  is  called,  now 
in  session  in  this  accussed  town.  It  wuz  curiosity  wich  brot 
me  hither.  I hed  heard  uv  this  piebald  body  — uv  this  black 
and  tan  gatherin,  in  wich  niggers  and  white  men  — niggers  in 
wich  the  white  blood  predominated,  and  white  men  in  wich  the 
nigger  blood  predominated  — wuz  gathered  and  sittin  side  by 
side,  the  same  ez  tho  Noer  hed  never  cust  Ham,  and  ez  tho  the 
nigger  wuz  not  a beast,  and  not  our  inferior  at  all.  Ez  I gazed 
I sed  to  myself,  — 

“ The  times  is  out  uv  joint,  oh  cussed  spite, 

That  I wuz  ever  born  to  set  em  rite.” 

I entered  the  hall  with  the  son  uv  my  old  friend,  John 
Guttle.  John  is  a chip  uv  the  troo  Guttle  block.  When  I 
arrived  I found  him  a leanin  on  the  bar  uv  a small  grosery,  a 
sraoakin  a cigar  and  a lookin  ez  disconsolate  ez  mortal  cood. 
Shakin  hands  with  him,  a momentary  gleam  uv  joy  shot  athwart 
his  careworn  face,  ez  he  invited  hisself  to  drink  with  me.  Not 
feelin  it  rite  to  deprive  him  uv  one  little  ray  uv  contentment, 
1 stood  the  drinks  not  only  for  him  but  for  a dozen  more  wich 

The  planters  of  tlie  Gulf  States  were  at  loss  what  to  do  when  the  negroes 
left  them,  for  the  idea  that  they  could  work  never  entered  their  heads.  The 
refusal  of  the  negro  to  labor  unless  his  pay  was  assured,  and  the  election  of 
many  of  them  to  office,  were  the  two  great  troubles  of  the  period. 


THE  TROUBLES  OF  GUTTLE. 


495 


I found  leanin  on  their  elbows  on  the  bar,  all  uv  em  with  a 
cigar  atween  their  teeth,  uv  wich  the  lite  hed  gone  out  in 
consekence  uv  their  bein  too  much  discouraged  to  draw  em. 
I knowd  the  most  uv  these  young  men  in  the  happy  days  uv 
yore.  They  wuz  all  the  sons  uv  planters  in  the  vicinity  — all 
uv  em  uv  the  first  families  uv  Alabama,  whose  fathers  hed 
wunst  owned  their  thousand  akers  apeece,  and  hed  brot  em  up 
ez  the  troo  shivelry  uv  the  South  wuz  alluz  brot  up.  Ther 
wuzn’t  wun  uv  em  but  hed  worn  the  most  magnificent  broad- 
cloth, and,  in  his  day,  won  and  lost  his  thousands  at  faro. 
Ther  w’uznT  wun  uv  em  but  wuz  up  in  all  the  ennoblin  sports 
wich  wuz  the  delite  uv  the  shivelry  uv  the  South,  sich  ez 
pitchin  dollars,  draw  poker,  and  horse  racin,  and  scarcely  wun 
but  hed  fought  dooels  in  his  time  ; and  every  man  uv  em  hed 
slaughtered  his  hecatoms  uv  Yankees  in  the  late  war.  Yet 
here  they  stood,  out  at  elbows, ’with  naplis  hats,  and  all  in  the 
last  stage  uv  seedinis. 

The  young  men  wuz  in  a dredful  state  uv  dilapidashun,  and 
their  murmurin  wuz  more  like  the  lamentashens  uv  Job  than 
anythin  I hed  heard  for  a long  time. 

Why,”  sed  John  Guttle,  Jr.,  “ the  old  man  left  me  a thou- 
sand akers  uv  land,  but  wat  wuz  it  good  for  ? I hed  no  nig- 
gers ! The  whelps  refoosed  to  work  without  wagis,  and  that  I 
woodent  pay  em  on  prinsiple.  Finally  they  commenst  makin 
offers  for  the  land,  in  patches  uv  from  ten  to  fifteen  akers,  and 
crooel  necessity  compelled  me  to  accept  it.  The  money  I re- 
seeved  I wuz  compelled  to  live  on,  ontil  my  paternal  akers  wuz 
redoost  to  a scant  hundred.  The  produx  uv  a hundred  akers 
wood  support  me,  but  it  won’t  perdoose.  I hev  no  labor  — 
wher  kin  I git  the  labor  ? ” 

Yes,”  exclaimed  all  uv  the  dozen  young  men,  rollin  over 
onto  the  tother  elbow,  Guttle’s  case  is  our  own.  We  all  liev 
land,  but  wher’s  the  labor  ? ” 

1 wuz  about  to  commisserate  em  when  the  bar  keeper  struck 
in.  He  wood  sejest,  that  possibly  under  the  circumstances,  it 
wood  be  better  if  instid  uv  lay  in  on  ther  elbows,  askin,  “ wher’s 
the  labor  ? ” they  shood  go  and  do  a little  uv  it  themselves. 
Troo,  if  they  shood  do  it  he  woodent  see  so  much  uv  era,  but 
they  wood  be  able  to  pay  suthin  for  the  likker  they  consoomed. 


496 


THF  CONVENTION. 


John  Guttle  and  I wended  our  way  to  the  hall  in  wich  the 
Convenshun  wuz  a sittin.  In  the  hall  wuz  a site  ! On  the  rite 
wuz  a nigger  on  the  floor  and  makin  a speech  ; on  the  left  wuz 
a nigger  of  majestic  presence,  with  his  feet  cocked -up  onto  a 
desk,  abslootly  readin  a noosepaper,  and  another  wuz  jist  a 
comin  in  towards  his  seat  with  ez  much  composure  ez  tho  he 
hed  never  did  anythin  in  his  life  but  be  a member  uv  consti- 
tooshel  convenshuns.  All  about  the  hall  in  varius  attitoods  sot 
niggers  uv  varius  shades,  and  all  uv  em  well  dresst,  self-pos- 
sessed, and  without  a particle  uv  that  hoomility  wich  the  race 
hed  alluz  displayed  wen  in  the  presence  uv  their  sooperiors. 

Good  God  ! ” sed  I to  Guttle,  after  I hed  recovered  from 
my  astonishment,  am  I awake,  or  am  1 dreamin  ? Tell  me, 
please,  who  are  these  niggers?’’ 

“ Dost  see  that  nearly  white  nigger  on  the  floor  oflerin  a 
resolution  ? ” sed  Guttle,  hoarse  with  emoshun.  That  nigger 
is  my  property.  His  mother  wuz  sold  to  Orleans  twenty  years 
ago,  on  account  uv  a resemblance  wich  my  mother  fancied  she 
saw  in  him  to  my  lamented  father.  I kept  him  ez  my  servant, 
and  the  yaller  cuss  somehow  learned  to  read.  He  owns  a part 
uv  a place  the  old  man  hed  in  the  North  uv  the  State.  That 
one  to  the  rite  who  is  bizzy  writin,  is  another  — a blacksmith, 
wich  the  old  man  bot  on  purpose  to  do  his  repairin,  coz  the 
white  blacksmith  wich  wuz  located  near  us  cost  too  much. 
He  wuz  cheep  at  $2500,  coz  uv  his  bein  a sooperior  workman, 
and  I am  told  that  the  incapable  bein  hez  a shop  now  uv  his 
own,  and  hez  a pile  uv  money  in  the  Savins  Bank,  Avhile  I — 
his  nateral  sooperior  — hev  to  depend  onto  the  chance  liber- 
ality uv  a comparative  stranger  like  yoo  for  the  very  drink 
wich  I now  parch  for  want  uv.” 

And  the  onfortnit  young  man  busted  into  teers,  wich  we 
went  out  and  assuaged.  Returnin,  he  resoomed : — 

That  mulatto  on  the  left,  by  the  double  winder,  is  a carpen- 
ter. He  bot  uv  me  fifty  akers  uv  land,  and  when  delegates  wuz 
to  be  electid  to  this  yere  Convention  he  run  agin  me,  and  beat 
me  four  to  one,  the  ongrateful  niggers  which  we  hed  worked 
all  our  lives  absolutely  preferrin  him  to  me,  to  legislate  for 
em,”  and  he  bustid  into  teers  agin. 

Wat,”  sed  I,  ‘Ms  to  be  the  end  uv  all  this?” 


RUIN  AHEAD. 


497 


“ God  only  knows/’  sed  he,  I don’t  There  is  nothin  but 
rooin  ahead  and  on  each  side  uv  us.  These  niggers  and  the 
crazy  whites  in  league  with  em,  hev  now  sole  control  uv  Ala- 
bama, and  they  are  mashin  down  the  ’spectable  old  barriers 
wich  kept  the  races  in  their  places.  They  are  passin  ordi- 
nances pervidin  for  skools.  They  hev  given  themselves  the 
ballot  and  hev  disfranchised  us  who  served  the  Confederacy, 
so  that  the  power  will  be  theirn  for  all  time  to  come.  The 
result  is  already  foreshadered  in  wat  they  hev  done.  Out  near 
my  place,  they  hev  a village,  and  a skoolhouse  in  wich  they  are 
taught  reedin,  ritin,  arithmetic,  and  all  sorts  uv  devilment,  by  a 
skoolmam  sent  by  the  Freed  men’s  Commission.  They  refoose 
to  work  for  us  onless  we  pay  in  advance,  and  consekently,  ez 
we  can’t  git  labor,  our  farms  is  runnin  to  weeds.  And  to  make 
matters  wuss,  the  Convenshen  is  makin  labor  a lien  upon  the 
crops,  and  so  hamper  us  that  it  does  seem  to  me  that  they 
intend  to  delibretly  rooin  us.  They  are  establishin  skools  and 
churches,  and  villages  everywhere ; and  wat  is  pertikelerly 
oppressive,  we  hevn’t  the  power  to  stop  em  in  their  mad 
career.  Politikle  power  we  hev  none,  and  when  it  comes  to 
force,  the  beast  Pope  stands  here  sekoor  behind  the  bayonets 
he  controls.  Good  Lord,  I — but  let’s  drink.” 

Wich  we  did,  I payin  for  it. 

I shel  leave  here  to-morrer.  I kin  never  bear  to  hev  niggers 
pass  me  clothed  in  broadcloth,  with  papers  stickin  out  uv  ther 
pockits.  I kin  never  bear  the  degredation  uv  hevin  niggers 
pass  me  without  takin  off  their  hats  and  steppin  respect- 
fully off  uv  the  sidewalk.  Thank  God  that  Kentucky  did  not 
openly  rebel.  There,,  at  least,  we  kin  keep  him  in  his  nor- 
mal speer. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

32 


498 


THE  MARTYRS. 


CLVI. 

A CONVENTION  OF  SUFFERERS. 


Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
January  8,  1868. 

Noticin  that  Yallandygnm  hed  called  a convenshmi  uv  those 
wlio  hed  suffered  imprisonment  for  holdin  the  opinion,  doorin 
the  war,  that  the  South  wuz  rite  in  secedin,  and  for  doin  wat 
they  cood  to  further  the  rite,  to  review  their  sufferins,  I,  uv 
course,  expectid  to  be  invitid  to  attend.  Ez  no  invitashun 
came,  I resolved  to  spare  em  the  stigma  uv  havin  gone  back 
onto  a fellow-sufferer,  and,  hencely,*  I wrote  the  followin  letter, 
wich  I shel  hev  publisht  in  all  the  noosepapers.  I feel  it  a 
dooty  to  call  the  attenshun  uv  the  party  to  my  sufferins  jest 
now,  it  bein  jist  afore  a new  deal  takes  place  : — 

To  C.  L.  Vallandygum,  Edson  B.  Olds,  and  others,  Committee : 
Your  movin  note  uv  the  13th  inst.,  invitin  me  to  be  present 
at  a meetin  uv  those  wich  hed  suffered  for  conshence  sake 
doorin  the  late  croosade,  and  to  mingle  my  teers  with  them,  is 
receeved.  Ez  I reseeved  yoor  note  and  red  it,  my  sufferins 
come  back  to  my  mind  so  vividly  that  the  fountains  uv  the  grate 
deep  wuz.onseeled,  and. I wept  scaldin  teers.  I wept  ez  I thot 
how  I suffered,  how  I hed  wasted  in  Basteels  the  time  1 so 
much  needed  in  fnrtherin  the  grate  coz  *in  wich  we  wuz  all 
engaged  ; when  I thot  how,  for  three  long  weeks,  I wasted 
away,  pinin  for  the  free  air  outside  uv  my  prison  walls  ; how, 
for  all  that  time,  I wuz  exposed  to  the  horror  uv  seein  around 
me  feends  in  human  form,  clad  in  the  bloo  I alluz  detested  ; 
how  I wuz  compelled  to  listen,  perpetooally,  to  sich  songs  ez : 


A number  of  Northern  rebels  who  were  arrested  for  disloyalty  during  the 
war,  proposed  a convention  of  “ sufferers  from  the  tyranny  of  a despotic  govern- 
ment,” which  was,  however,  never  held.  The  “ martyrs  ” had  already  aired 
their  grievances  too  many  times  to  make  such  a gathering  profitable.  Edson 
B.  Olds,  of  Oliio,  was  confined  a short  time  in  Fort  Warren,  and  Mulligan  and 
Bowles,  two  citizens  of  Indiana,  were  also  restrained  for  complicity  in  the 
troubles  in  that  State. 


A BRIEF  HISTORY. 


499 


“We’ll  rally  round  the  flag,  boys, 

We’ll  rally  wunst  agin, 

Shoutin  the  battle  cry  uv  Freedom  I ” 

And  that  other  detestable  air,  wich  I never  hear  without  a 
thrill  uv  horror  — 


“ John  Brown’s  body  lies  a moldin  in  the  grave, 

But  his  sole  is  a marchin  on.” 

Wich  it  is.  And  also  how  for  three  long  weeks  I wuz  com- 
pelled to  live  — no,  not  live,  but  eggist  — with  not  a drop  uv 
anything  stronger  or  more  revivifyin  than  coffee  ; endoorin  the 
namelis  horrors  wich  follers  the  sudden  takin  away  uv  that  on 
wich  we  live,  and  wich  our  moral,  ez  well  ez  pliysikil,  nachers 
depend.  But  out  uv  regard  to  my  feelins,  I close  these  har- 
rowin  reflecshens.  Shood  I dwell  onto  em,  I shood  be  entirely 
onmanned.  When  I think  of  them  three  weeks  without  whis- 
key, reason  totters  onto  her  throne,  and  I wonder  that  I am  still 
alive.  Trooly  I am  a spared  monument. 

It  wood  not  be  out  uv  place  in  this  conneckshun  for  me  to 
dwell  for  a moment  upon  the  sacrificis  I hev  made  and  the 
torters  to  wich  I hev  bin  subjectid.  I hev  suffered  probably 
more  than  any  uv  the  glorious  company  uv  martyrs,  for  right- 
eousnis’  sake.  My  first  taste  uv  Fedral  tyranny  wuz  in  1862. 
Well  do  I remember  the  day.  A draft  wuz  impendin.  The 
tyrannical  Linkin,  revelin  in  the  gorgus  halls  uv  despotic 
power  at  Washinton,  hed  isshood  his  oppressive  decree  for 
three  hundred  thousand  more.”  I went,  confidently,  to  the 
eggsaminer’s  offis  for  my  eggsempshen,  but  in  the  face  uv  the 
most  positive  ashoorence  on  my  part  that  I hed  bronkeetis  and 
liver  complaint  at  that  time,  and  hed  hed  at  different  times  uv 
my  life  delirum  tremens,  I wuz  laft  to  scorn,  and  pernounst  ez 
sound  ez  a brick.  I determined  not  to  imbrue  my  hands  in  the 
blood  uv  my  brethren  uv  the  South.  I shuddered  at  two  ijees. 
First,  at  being  punctured  myself,  and,  second,  at  puncturin  any 
uv  my  friends  uv  the  Confederacy.  Therefore,  I made  my 
way  ez  best  I mite  to  that  refuge  from  the  persekutor, 
Canady.  Need  I dilate  onto  the  terrors  uv  that  passage? 
Need  I state  how  I walked  from  my  then  place  uv  residence 


500 


THE  TRIALS  OF  A SAINT. 


to  Detroit,  and  how  I swam  across  the  river  at  that  pint  on  a 
log,  and  how,  when  on  strikin  the  sacred  soil,  I struck  a tabloo 
and  shook  my  fist  at  the  stars  and  stripes,  wich  I saw  wavin  on 
the  tother  side?  No.  For  all  uv  yoo  hev  done  it,  ef  not  in 
Canady,  somewhere  else.  The  draft  wuz  over,  and  I returned, 
supposin  it  wuz  all  rite.  Skarcely  hed  I reached  my  humble 
home,  when  I wuz  arrestid,  and  dragged  to  a military  camp. 
I hed  bin  drawd,  and  I wuz  taken  ez  a deserter.  I did  not  serve 
tho.  Duther  than  to  carry  a Fedral  muskit,  I desertid  in 
ernist,  and  wat  military  life  I did  see,  I saw  in  the  Confedrit 
ranks.  But  that  wuz  short.  The  Kernel  uv  my  regiment 
appreciatin  my  style,  ordered  me  to  be  discharged,  on  the 
skore  that  I cood  do  the  Confedrisy  more  good  operatin  with 
the  Dimocrisy  uv  the  North  than  I cood  carryin  muskits  in  the 
ranks  uv  Her  brave  defenders.  He  wuz  pleased  to  say  that  I 
wuznT  worth  a d — n ez  a soljer,  anyhow  ! 

My  second  inkarserashen  wuz  uv  a more  tryin  nacher.  I 
hed  bin  called  to  organize  and  drill  a county  wich  hed  deter- 
mined they  never  wood,  under  eny  cirkumstances,  submit  to 
be  dragged  to  fight  in  a coz  wich  they  didn’t  beleeve  in. 
They  hed  resolved  in  their  meetins  to  die  in  their  own  door 
yards  a thousand  times  each,  ruther  than  submit  to  the  drafts 
wich  wuz  impendin  too  often,  or  to  the  onconstitooshnel  taxes 
wich  the  Government  wuz  a levyin.  We  wuz  in  camp,  900 
strong,  when  a company  uv  soljers  wuz  sent  agin  us.  Wun  by 
wun  the  defenders  uv  their  rites  bethot  themselves  uv  biznis 
wich  they  had  at  home.  Wun’s  wife  wuz  momentarily  expect- 
ed to  be  confined,  another  hed.forgotten  to  feed  his  cattle,  and 
a third’s  oldest  son  wuz  to  be  marrid  that  nite.  Eggsortin  uv 
us  to  fite  bravely  for  our  rites,  and  die  rite  there  before  sub- 
mittin,  they  left,  fust  wun  at  a time,  then  five  in  a squad,  then 
ten,  then  a hundred,  ontil  all  wuz  gone  but  me  and  nineteen 
others.  I wuz  restrained  by  pride ; the  nineteen  others 
cooden’t  git  away,  owin  to  a barl  uv  new  whiskey  wich  hed 
bin  rolled  onto  the  ground,  and  wich  they  hed  monopolized 
atween  em  with  the  only  tin  cup  we  hed  in  the  camp.  They 
were,  ez  a reward  for  their  heroism  and  the  sufiferins  that 
ensood,  all  elected  to  offis  that  fall. 

I wuz  treated  with  frightful  severity.  I wuz  kept  on  the 


AND  ITS  EEWAED. 


501 


ordinary  rasliens  uv  a private  soljer,  and  vvuz  compelled,  afore 
bein  released,  to  take  the  oath  uv  allegiance  to  the  Federal 
Government. 

And  wot  hev  I got  for  it?  Good  Lord,  I shudder  when  I 
think  nv  the  ongratefulnis  uv  man  ! The  party  for  wich  I suf- 
fered all  this  never  so  much  ez  gave  me  a thing.  I wuz  never 
made  the  recipient  uv  nothin  ontil  a reformed  Ablishnist  wuz 
made  President,  who  lied  to  hev  a party,  and  who  hed  to  take 
only  sich  ez  wuz  for  sale.  But  for  this  fortunate  circumstance 
I mite  now  be  forst  to-  beg  my  bread.  I spare  yoo  more 
detales.  Suffice  it  to  say,  I approve  uv  the  meetin.  It  won’t 
do  me  ez  much  good  ez  it  will  yoo  ; yoor  sores  ain’t  heeled  ; yoo 
hev  bin  smart  enuff  to  keep  a irritatin  uv  em.  Yoo  hev  kept 
a proddin  uv  em  with  rusty  nales,  and  tearin  uv  em  open  with 
yoor  fingers,  afore  aujences  and  in  the  noosepapers,  ontil  they 
hev  reely  come  to  be  a stench  in  the  nostrils.  Let  us  unwrap 
em  agin.  Let  the  cold  wind  uv  ingratitood  blow  onto  em  ontil 
they  get  so  inflamed  that  they  will  attract  attenshen.  Let 
Vallandigum  onwind  his  bandages  and  show  the  hole  the  envi- 
ous Burnside  made.  Yoo,  Olds,  repeet  the  piteous  tale  uv 
how  yoo  wuz  deprived  uv  yoor  Bible  ontil  yoo  hed  well  nigh 
forgotten  Ham,  Hager,  and  Onesimus,  and  that  even  waste 
paper  wuz  denied  yoo.  Yoo,  Milligen  and  Bowles,  repeet  agin 
the  story  uv  yoor  captivity  and  release,  and  see  to  it  that  yoo 
get  yoor  hair  dyed  white,  and  that  yoo  come  into  the  Conven- 
shun  leanin  onto  a cane,  or,  if  possible,  onto  the  shoulders  uv 
two  young  men  who  wuzn’t  imprisoned.  I probably  shan’t 
be  there  myself,  for  I want  nothin.  I am  pervided  for.  But 
ez  a man  who  suffered  even  ez  yoo  did,  and  for  the  same 
coz,  my  sympathies  are  with  you. 

Peteoleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


502 


A FALLEN  PILLAR. 


CLVII. 

THE  DECEASE  OF  ELDER  PENNIBACKER. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky) , 
January  25,  1868. 

WuN  by  wmi  we  go  ! Wun  by  wun  the  tall  oaks  totter  and 
fall!  We  view  their  prostrate  forms  a second,  they  sink  into 
the  earth  and  are  lost  to  site,  tho  to  memry  dear,  forever. 
Then  around  the  old  stump  the  young  sprouts  grow  up  more 
vigorouser  than  ever. 

I ain’t  slingin  these  moral  reflecshuns  for  nothin.  I never 
waste  the  pathetics.  Whenever  a man  is  pulled  drowndid 
from  the  creek  in  this  visinity,  wich  happens  frekently,  there 
bein  three  distilleries  onto  it,  I never  weep  until  I see  whether 
he  belongs  to  my  congregrashun.  It  requires  too  much  uv  an 
effort  to  weep,  to  do  it  on  all  okkashuns. 

Elder  Abslum  Pennibacker,  to-wunst  the  strength  and  orna- 
ment uv  the  meetin  house  uv  wich  I hev  bin  for  two  yeers  the 
pastor,  departid  this  life  at  2 P.  M.  this  afternoon.  For  him  I 
weep,  for  him  the  teers  is  flowin  over  the  paper  onto  wich 
these  lines  is  penned.  I am  writin  em  in  the  presence  uv  the 
wife  and  children  uv  the  deceest,  and  it  does  em  good  to  see 
me  affectid.  When  one  kin  confer  satisfaction  at  so  little 
trouble  ez  carryin  an  onion  in  his  pocket  handkerchief,  he 
wood  be  a broot  indeed  ef  lie  did  not  prove  hisself  ekal  to 
the  occasion. 

Elder  Pennibacker  wuz  born  in  Pennsylvany,  uv  real  old 
Democratic  stock.  He  wuz  born  amid  the  scenes  uv  the  war 
uv  Independence,  and  he  growed  up  with  Revolooshenary 
memries  inspirin  him.  His  father  fought  in  the  Revolooshen, 
havin  come  all  the  way  across  the  Atlantic  to  do  it.  He  wuz 
a Hessian,  and  therefore  wnzn’t  penshiined  by  the  Amerikin 
Government.  But  at  the  Foovth  uv  Jooly  celebrashens,  the 
old  man  wuz  invited  to  sit  on  the  stand,  the  yomanry  uv  that 
secshun  not  knowin  that  it  made  any  difference  ez  to  the  side 
be  took  in  the  struggle. 

Young  Abslum  growd  up  amid  exslent  inflooences.  Ther 


HIS  MANY  VIRTUES. 


503 


wuzn’t  no  skools  in  the  visinity  in  his  infancy,  and  jist  ez  he 
mite  hev  bin  contaminated  by  em,  his  father  moved  to  Ken- 
tucky, wher  he  wuz  safe  from  all  sich.  The  old  gentleman 
dyin,  Abslum  inherited  the  paternal  akers,  and  paternal  nig- 
gers, and  become  a man  among  rnen.  The  genius  uv  the  man 
now  began  to  develop.  Untrameled  by  the  narrer  views  uv 
his  paternal  ancestor,  he  boldly  launcht  out  for  hisself.  He 
early  distinguished  hisself  by  his  inventive  genius,  wich  took 
the  real  Kentucky  shoot.  Twas  him  wich  conceeved  the  idea 
uv  braidin  small  wire  into  the  lashes  uv  nigger  whips  ; and  not 
satisfied  with  that,  he,  after  a month’s  hard  study  brought  out 
the  improvement  in  tlie  nigger-paddle  uv  borin  holes  into  it. 
He  hed  a desprit  struggle  to  get  it  adoptid.  The  blind  planters 
uv  the  neigliborhood  hed  faith  in  the  old  paddle,  plain,  and  the 
Elder  wuz  forst  to  demonstrate,  by  actooal  experiment  on  his 
niggers,  its  sooperiority.  He  killed  two  in  doin  it,  but  he  tri- 
umphed. It  wuz  found  that  more  chastisement  cood  be  in- 
flicted with  it  in  a given  time,  than  by  the  old  method,  and 
that  it  lasted  longer. 

I need  not  say  wat  his  politics  wuz.  He  wuz  never  nothin 
but  a Himocrat.  He  commenst  his  career  votin  three  times  for 
Jackson,  and  the  candidates  wich  follered  in  succession  hed  no 
cause  to  complain  uv  his  zeel.  Under  Bookanan  his  faithfulnis 
wuz  rewardid.  The  postoffis  wich  I now  hold  wuz  given  him, 
and  he  discharged  the  dooties  faithfully  and  to  the  best  uv  his 
ability.  Ez  he  coodent  read,  he  put  wat  letters  wich  arriv  out 
into  a box  outside,  lettin  every  one  who  come  take  one  ef  they 
wantid  to.  The  paper  wich  come  to  the  offis  for  Deekin 
Pograrn  he  learned  to  distribbit  in  two  weeks.  The  out-goin 
mail  he  dumped  into  a Looisville  bag,  feelin  a great  load  wuz 
off  his  mind  when  it  departid.  He  held  the  offis  till  they 
wanted  him  to  make  out  a quarterly  report.  He  wuz  non- 
plussed. He  either  hed  to  buy  a nigger  who  cood  read  and 
write,  or  resign,  and  he  resigned. 

The  Elder  wuz  the  happy  possessor  uv  three  hundred  nig- 
gers. They  wuz  probably  the  best  lot  uv  niggers  in  Kentucky. 
He  hed  three  shades  uv  color.  The  trader  cood  find  anything 
in  the  line  uv  a nigger,  up  to  these  three,  that  he  wantid,  on 
his  plantashen.  There  wuz  the  pure  Congo,  the  agil  mulatto, 


504 


HIS  LAST  ILLNESS. 


and  the  comely  quadroon.  Ther  wuz  no  higher  mix  than  the 
quadroon,  for  it  will  be  remembered  the  family  hedn’t  bin 
slave-owners  but  two  generashens.  They  hed  accomplished  a 
great  deal,  ]iowever,  for  the  time  they  hed  hed  em. 

The  Elder  hed  bin  in  failin  health  ever  since  1862.  In  that 
year  he  embarkt  into  a speculashun  wich  bid  fair  to  make  him 
wun  uv  the  wealthiest  men  in  the  State,  and  wood,  hed  things 
bin  continyood  normal.  . Ther  wuz  niggers  runnin  to  the  Fed- 
ral  camps  from  all  parts  uv  the  State,  and  the  Elder  conceeved 
the  idea  uv  goin  to  the  sed  camps  and  claimin  uv  em.  The 
ofhser  in  command  wuz  so  anxious  to  consiliate  him  that  he 
wood  gladly  give  em  up,  without  bein  pertikiler  about  proofs, 
and  the  Elder  gathered,  in  that  way,  in  two  months,  over  a 
hundred.  It  required  a good  deel  of  ridin,  and  that  fatigue, 
combined  with  the  exposure  incident  to  bushwhackin  Fedral 
pickets,  wich  wuz  guardin  his  fences  and  sich,  brought  on  a 
spell  uv  sickness  from  which  he  never  fully  recovered.  The 
Emancipashen  Proclamashen  nearly  finisht  him,  and  he  lingered 
along,  a broken  man,  ontil  Johnson’s  22d  uv  Febrooary  speech, 
wich  acted  ez  a tonic  onto  him.  He  revived,  but  the  etfeck 
wuz  temporary.  Ez  the  Conservatives  made  headway,  he 
came  up,  and  ez  Congris  triumphed,  he  went  down,  and  thus 
he  lived  like  a candle  iif  a tin  lantern,  flickrin  or  quiet,  ez  the 
wind  blowd.  He  pluckt  up  amazinly  after  the  eleckshuns  last 
fall,  but  alas,  the  treachery  uv  Meade  and  the  re-instatement 
uv  Stanton  wuz  two  blows  from  wich  he  cood  not  hope  to 
recover.  And  so,  yesterday  at  2 P.  M.,  wich  in  this  case 
means  post  mortem,  he  died. 

Send  in  Sairey ! ” sed  he,  and  a favorite  mulatto  woman  uv 
hizzen  who,  owin  to  the  fact  uv  her  havin  eight  children  who 
wuz  quadroons,  hed  stayed  onto  the  place,  wuz  sent  for.  She 
sot  on  the  bed,  and  the  Elder’s  head  wuz  placed  in  her  lap. 
“ Give  me  my  munney,”  sed  he,  and  a box  uv  Confedrit  scrip 
wuz  given  him.  And  so,  with  his  head  in  Sairey’s  lap,  fingerin 
Confedrit  scrip  and  takiri  likker  out  uv  a spoon,  he  passed 
gently  away.  It  wuz  a troo  Kentucky  deparcher.  “ This  is 
the  eend  of  life  ! ” sed  I.  May  my  eend  be  like  his,”  mur- 
mured Deekin  Pogram,  and  all  wuz  o’er. 

There  wuz  trouble  immejitly.  When  the  Elder’s  will  wuz 


A GENERAL  DISAPPOINTMENT. 


505 


read  I wuz  disappointed  to  find  that  he  hed  not  remembered 
me,  and  Mrs.  Pennibacker  wnz  also'  disappointed  to  “hnd  that 
the  Elder  hed  left  the  half  uv  his  estate  to  Sairey ; and  his 
wife,  Sairey,  and  the  people  uv  the  Corners  to  wich  he 
wuz  indebted  in  small  sums,  wuz  disappinted  to  find  that 
Bascom  hed  a mortgage  on  everything  the  Elder  possessed,  uv 
quite  its  valyoo.  Bascom,  I bleeve,  hez  a mortgage  onto  every 
foot  uv  ground  within  ten  miles  uv  here.  He  wood  hev  a 
mortgage  onto  my  property,  I make  no  doubt,  ef  I hed  any. 
But  I ain’t,  halleloogy  ! We  buried  the  Elder  to-day.  It  wuz 
a large  funeral.  In  the  front  wuz  his  children,  by  his  Avife, 
then  the  entire  Corners  ; and  back  uv  them  more  than  forty 
yaller  niggers,  Avho  hed  bin  hizzen.  Wat  draAvd  em  to  his 
tomb?  Wuz  it  instink  ? Who  kin  tell?  But  a pillar  hez 
fallen;  I am  too  sad  to  write  more. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


CLVIII. 

THE  PENDLETON  THEORY  IN  KENTUCKY. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  ) 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  [- 
February  I,  18G8.  ) 

A. FEW  days  ago  Bascom  come  into  the  offis,  and  remarked 
that  he  thought  it  wuz  time  the  Corners  spoke. 

Onto  Avot  pertikeler  subjeck  wood  you  hev  the  Corners 
speek,  my  cherub?”  sed  I.  The  Corners  hez  exercised  her 
throat  onto  almost  everything  up  to  date.” 

“ Troo,”  sed  G.  W.,  “ but  there’s  one  subjeck  onto  Avich  the 
Corners  hezn’t  sed  her  say,  namely,  the  crushin  Avate  uv  taxa- 
shen,  and  the  question  uv  payin  the  bonds  in  greenbax.” 

“ That’s  probably  becoz,”  remarkt  I,  the  Corners  pays  nary 
tax  ; and  becoz,  also,  not  hevin  any  bonds  nor  greenbax,  she 
don’t  care,  to  speek  after  the  manner  uv  men,  a d — n about  it. 
Isn’t  that  the  case  ? ” 


506 


MR.  BIGLER’S  GRIEF. 


Probably  it  is,  but  at  the  same  time  we  ought  to  extend  a 
helpin  hand  to  our  brethren  North,  who  are  makin  a valyent 
fite  on  this  thing.  Parson,  we  must  hold  a meetin  on  this 
question,  and  resolve.’’ 

Willin  to  accommodate  Bascom,  I called  the  meetin,  and  last 
nite  it  took  place.  It  wuz  an  enthoosiastic  gathrin.  Skasely  hed 
the  horn  tooted  afore  the  church  wuz  filled.  It  wuz  curiosity 
wich  brot  em.  None  uv  em  but  Bascom,  Captain  McPelter,  and 
myself,  knowed  wat  a bond  wuz,  and  they  wantid  to  find  out. 
I wuz  called  upon  to  state  the  objeck  uv  the  gathrin.  I opened 
with  a movin  appeal  to  the  people  who  wuz  groanin  under  a 
load  uv  taxashen,  for  the  benefit  uv  the  lordly  bond-holders  uv 
the  country  ; whose  very  life  blood  wuz  a bein  sucked  out  uv 
em  by  the  bond-aristocrats  uv  the  country. 

At  this  pint  Joe  Bigler,  who  wuz  uv  course  in  the  aujence, 
commenst  weepin  perfoosely,  but  disgustinly  loud.  He  iairly 
bellered,  and  displayed  altogether  too  much  emoshun. 

Mr.  Bigler,”  sed  I,  woodent  a little  less  violent  sorrer 
anser  ? ” 

Parson,”  sed  he,  never  hevin  paid  a cussid  fcent  uv  taxes 
in  my  life,  I never  knowd  afore  how  much  I wuz  bein  op- 
pressed. But  Pll  contane  myself  if  I kin.  I’ll  cork  up  my 
woes  if  they  bust  me.” 

I then  went  on  to  explane  the  Pendleton  ijee.  First,  the 
Government  owes  about  four  hundred  thousand  millions  uv 
dollers,  more  or  less,  wich  is  borrowed.  The  Ablishn  ijee  is  to 
pay  this  off  ez  it  fall^  due,  in  gold,  and  in  the  mean  time  to  pay 
interest  onto  the  bonds  ez  per  agreement  on  the  face  uv  em. 
But  this  is  oppressive.  This  payin  interest  is  wat’s  eatin  us 
up.  Therefore,  Pendleton  proposes  to  pay  these  bonds  by 
ishooin  four  hundred  thousand  million  uv  greenbax.  When 
these  greenbax  wear  out,  so  that  they  ain’t  passable  no  more  — 
so  that  Bascom  won’t  take  em  for  drinks,  for  instance,  — why, 
then  we’ll  print  more  greenbax  and  give  em  new  ones.  I don’t 
see  that  the  debt  is  paid  off  any,  but  we  git  out  uv  the  intrest. 
We  ishoo  a non-bearin  intrest  note  wich  the  greenback  is,  for 
an  intrest-bearin  note  wich  the  present  bond  is,  and  compel  the 
bond-holders  to  take  em,  thus  releevin  us,  the  tax  payers,  uv 
the  weight  uv  taxashen  we  are  now  compelled  to  carry.  This 


AN  UNEXPECTED  RESULT. 


507 


ijee  is  not,  however,  original  with  Pendleton.  He’§  bin  a 
steelin  my  thunder.  I subsisted  many  yeers  in  Noo  Jersey  by 
the  same  expedient.  Whenever  1 owed  a man  I gave  him  my 
note,  and  felt  that  a great  load  wuz  off  my  mind.  When  it 
became  doo,  ef  it  made  the  creditor  eny  easier  in  bis  mind,  I 
took  it  up  by  givin  him  another,  and  so  on,  pervided  he  wuz 
willin  and  lied  faith  enuff  to  pay  for  the  stamps.  It  wuz  an 
easy  and  simple  method  uv  gittin  on  in  the  world  without 
onpleasantnis. 

Captain  McPelter,  late  uv  the  Confedrit  army,  wantid  to 
know  ef  the  greenback  wuz  good  enuff  for  the  soljer,  ef  it 
wuzn’t  good  enuff  for  the  bondholder  ? 

Bascom  endorsed  all  that  lied  bin  sed,  and  demandid  resoloo- 
shens,  moovin  ones,  wicli  he  presentid,  and  they  wuz  passed. 

At  this  pint  occurred  suthin  wich  wuzen’t  down  in  the  bill. 
Skasely  lied  the  resolooshens  passed,  when  Joe  Bigler  stepped 
forward  and  remarkt  that  he  lied  votid  for  them  resolooshens 
becoz  he  beleeved  in  em.  But  he  wantid  the  ijee  carried 
forerd  to  its  logical  conclooshen.  He  owed  Bascom  eighty  odd 
dollars,  wich  wuz  bearin  interest,  and  lied  bin  for  some  time, 
and  wood,  probably,  for  some  time  to  come.  Now,  what  is 
justis  in  governmental  matters,  is  ekally  so  in  privit  life.  He 
demanded  uv  Bascom  that  note,  and  that  he  accept  in  its  stead 
one  wich  bore  no  interest.  He  lied  borne  this  burden  too 
long,  and  it  wuz  high  time  that  he  be  releeved. 

Deekin  Pogram  felt  that  he  must  agree  with  Mr.  Bigler. 
Bascom  held  his  note  for  $190,  wich  bed  bin  runnin  on  intrest 
for  a long  time,  and  he  felt  that  he  cooden’t  stand  it  no  — 

“ Why,  blarst  yer  eyes,’^  sez  Bascom,  I lent  yoo  that  money 
to  save  yer  farm  from  bein  sold  out  from  under  yer  feet ! ’’ 

“ Troo,  but  there’s  a principle  in  it.  I can’t  toil  to  pay 
interest  to  yoo  no  more  than  I kin  to  the  Government.  Let  us 
be  consistent,  G.  W.,  watever  we  are.” 

At  this  juncter  every  man  in  the  buildin  rose  to  his  feet 
very  excitedly,  all  uv  em  in  korious  commenst. 

“ Bascom  holds  a note  uv  mine,  wich  bears  interest, 
and  I — ” 

And  Bascom,  badgered  ez  he  was,  flung  himself  out  uv  the 
church  in  disgust.  The  aujence  who  bed,  however,  got  an 


‘508 


bascom’s  triumph. 


ijee,  wuz  not  disposed  to  give  it  up.  They  hollered  him  with- 
out eny  formal  adjournment  to  his  grosery^  but  he  hed  antici- 
pated mat,  and  hed  locked  it.  But  all  nite  they  hung  around 
the  place,  yellin,  Give  me  my  note  ! Give  me  my  note  ! ” and 
they  hed  faith  that  they  finally  wood  bring  him  to  terms. 

But  along  about  seven  o’clock  the  people  began  to  change 
their  toon.  It  wuz  time  for  their  rnornin  bitters,  and  they  ex- 
claimed ez  one  man,  Bascom  ! why  don’t  yoo  open  out  ? 
Let  us  in  ! ” 

All  uv  a sudden  the  door  wuz  flung  open,  and  there  wuz  re- 
veeled  to  the  gaze  uv  the  Corners  the  most  impressive  tabloo 
ever  witnest.  In  the  centre  uv  the  room  stood  Bascom,  with  a 
burnin  pine  knot  in  his  hand,  wildly  wavin  it  over  his  head; 
afore  him  stood  a barl  uv  whisky,  on  end,  with  the  head  out. 
We  growd  pale. 

Ha  ! ha  ! ” laft  he,  with  the  most  malignant  and  feendisli 
expression  upon  his  countenance,  it  wuz  yoor  turn  last  nite  ; 
this  rnornin  its  mine.  Ther  ain’t  a drop  in  the  Corners  cept 
wat  is  in  this  barl,  and  not  a drop  uv  this  shel  yoo  hev  for  love 
or  money  ! Ha  ! ha  ! who  hez  the  inside  track  now.  I’ll  burn 
it  the  minit  the  first  one  crosses  the  threshhold.” 

Make  a rush,”  yelled  Bigler;  it  won’t  burn,  coz  he’s  bin  a 
waterin  it  for  a week.” 

“ Ha  ! too  troo  ! but  I hev  yoo  yit.  I’ll  overturn  the  barl ! ” 

I seed  the  pint  to-wunst.  A cold  chill  crept  over  me,  and 
Deekin  Pogram  shook  like  an  aspen  leaf.  None  cood  be  pro- 
koored  this  side  uv  Looisvill,  three  days  at  least ! Spose  the 
recklis  man  shood  carry  out  his  threat ! 

The  Deekin  and  I threw  ourselves  into  the  breech.  We  saw 
that  Bascom  wuz  in  dead  earnest.  The  crowd  saw  things  ez  wo 
did,  and  softened  down.  It  wuz  finally  proposed  ez  a comper- 
mise  that  the  rekorrls  uv  the  meetin  shood  be  destroyed,  and 
that  the  ijee  uv  exchangin  notes  with  Bascom  shood  be  aban- 
doned, and  Bascom  on  his  part  to  go  on  ez  yoosual.  This  set- 
tled, we  all  took  our  regeler  stiffners,  and  thus  the  Corners 
bridged  the  greatest  danger  that  ever  threatened  her.  Ther 
is  peece  here  now. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


LETTER  FROM  BELMONT. 


509 


CLIX. 

THE  IMPEACHMENT  mTTER. 

Washington,  D.  C.,  March  8,  1868. 

The  most  affectin  time  I ever  eggsperienced  wuz  in  Wash- 
inton  last  nite.  His  Eggslency  telegrafft  me  to  come  to  Wasli- 
inton.  I hevn’t  tied  much  to  him  recently,  but  I coodent  for- 
git  that  he  first  gave  me  the  offis  I live  on,  that  his  honored 
name  is  at  the  bottom  of  the  commission  I hold,  and  I felt  tha;t 
I ought  at  least  to  be  with  him  while  he  wiiz  dissolutin.  I de- 
termined that  he  should  draw  his  last  offishel  breath  onto  my 
buzzum. 

I arrived  late,  and  at  wunst  perceeded  to  the  Executive 
Manshen.  It  wuz  a familyer  sceen.  Ther  wuz  Seward,  Ran- 
dall, Secretary  Welles,  and  the  President,  and  all  uv  em  graver 
than  the  saintly  raven  uv  the  stately  days  uvyore.  The  Presi- 
dent wuz  a try  in  to  keep  a stiff  upper  lip,  but  I cood  see  teers 
a follering  each  other  adown  his  holler  cheeks  in  rapid  succes- 
sion. “ He’s  a goner  ! ” thot  I ; no  man  kin  stand  that  drain 
on  his  flooids.  No  matter  how  much  he  may  take  in,  that  pace 
will  kill  any  one.” 

The  President  wuz  a readin  telegrams  and  letters,  and  they 
wuz  not  uv  a carikter  to  pleeze  him.  The  first  wuz  from 
Belmont,  and  read  thus  : — 

“ I hev,  ez  yoo  know,  the  highest  possible  regard  for  yoor 
Eggslency,  and  shel  regret  exceedinly  to  see  yoo  deprived  uv 
yoor  high  offis ; but,  reely  you  kin  scarcely  eggspect  tke 
Dimocracy  to  embarrass  themselves  by  espousin  yoor  coz. 
The  fact  is,  no  party  hevin  a fucher  before  it  kin  tie  itself  to  a 
ded  past.  The  teemster  draws  a sigh  over  a ded  mule,  but  ez 
a ded  mule  can’t  draw  his  cart,  he  naturally  turns  his  eyes  onto 
them  still  possest  uv  vitality.  I hope  yoo  see  the  pint  without 
my  explaiuin  it.  Excuse  me  for  comparin  yoo  to  a ded  mule, 
but  the  simile  wuz  the  first  that  segested  itself  to  me. 

With  profound  respect,  I am,  &c. 


The  Democracy  treated  Johnson  with  contemptuous  coolness  in  his  last  days. 
His  failure  to  divide  tlie  Republican  party  made  him  of  no  use  to  them. 


510  LETTER  FROM  PIERCE,  * 

P.  S.  Should  biznis  call  me  to  Tennessee,  I shel  do  myself 
the  honor  to  call  on  yoo  in  yoor  dignified  retirement.’^ 

The  President  wiped  an  avalanche  uv  teers  wich  follered  the 
reedin  uv  this  unfeelin  letter,  and  the  next  wuz  opened. 

Maysville,  Ky.,  February  30,  ’68. 

Wood  a regiment  uv  Irish  raised  in  this  place  be  uv  any 
servis  ? Anser  ! J.  A.” 

Hell ! ” sed  Randall,  the  whole  county  only  polls  800 
votes,  and  that  cuss  hez  bin  borin  me  for  a place  in  the  depart* 
ment  for  over  a year.  Drive  on.” 

The  next  letter  wuz  from  Yallandygum : — 

Since  the  disgraceful  exhibishen  yoor  friends  made  uv 
theirselves  at  the  Philadelphia  Convenshen,  I didn’t  consider 
myself  bound  to  yoo.  I,  ez  yoo  know,  never  took  any  stock  in 
hall-and-half  mixters.  My  defeet  by  Thurman  hezn’t  increased 
my  love  for  yoo  and  yoors.  I hev  no  objecshen  to  yoor  holdin 
yoor  seet  to  the  end  uv  yoor  term,  but  reely  it’s  a matter  uv 
but  little  consekence  to  me.  Shood  you  pass  thro  Dayton  on 
yoor  way  to  Tennessee,  I shood  be  glad  to  extend  the  hospitali- 
ties uv  my  humble  house  to  yoo.” 

The  next  one  wuz  from  Franklin  Peerse,  and  dated  at 
Concord,  N.  H. : — 

I feel  for  yoo  ; that  is,  I feel  for  yoo  on  general  principles. 
(Thad  Stevens,  permit  me  to  say,  in  parenthesis,  hez  been 
feelin  for  yoo,  and  hez  at  last,  I am  satisfied,  found  yoo.)  I feel 
for  yoo  ez  I do  for  every  man  who  hez  a offis  and  is  obliged  to 
leeve  it.  Nevertheless,  I can’t  help  you.  1 wood,  but  yoo  see 
we  hev  all  we  kin  do  to  help  ourselves.  Uv  course  yoo  don’t 
expect  the  Dimocracy  to  take  any  part  in  the  struggle  between 
yoo  and  Congriss.  Elected  ez  a Repablikin,  with  Republikins 
in  yoor  Cabinet,  the  Dimocrisy,  while  they  applaud  wat  yoo 
hev  done,  can’t  uv  course  make  yoor  quarrel  theirs.  When  yoo 
leave  Washington  for  Tennessee  can’t  yoo  take  Concord  in  yoor 
way  ? I hev  no  objecshen  tominglin  teers  with  yoo.” 

The  next  wuz  from  a Western  politishen,  lately  appinted 
Postmaster : — 

Sir  : I return  the  appintment  yoo  gave  me  last  month 


AND  OTHERS. 


511 


with  loathin  and  shorn.  I survived  the  Noo  Orleans  and 
Memphis  massacres,  yoor  opposition  to  the  will  of  Congris, 
and  all  the  other  damnin  inqnities  uv  yoor  most  damnable 
administration,  but  this  last  attempt  to  hist  Stanton  I can’t 
endorse.  Therefore  I bolt.  Your  successor  will,  I hope,  do 
me  justis,  and  likewise  the  Senit.”  ' ^ 

Lord  ! ” sed  Randall,  that  cuss  bored  me  for  better  nor 
a yeer  for  the  appintment,  but  the  Senit  won’t  confirm  him. 
0,  Wade,  what  hevent  yoo  to  undergo?  0,  Johnson,  from 
what  hev  yoo  escaped  ! ” 

A prominent  Eastern  Dimocrat  wrote  ez  follows:  — 

Defy  Congriss,  and  let  em  impeech  yoo.  Dare  em  to  do 
their  dirty  d — dest.  Ef  they  shood  hist  yoo,  all  the  better. 
It  will  be  an  immense  help  toward  the  election  uv  McClellan. 
Think  how  much  yoo  kin  do  for  the  coz  in  this  way,  and  stand 
firm.  Visit  Hartford  on  yoor  way  to  Tennessee.” 

A Western  Democrat  wrote  : — 

Be  firm  — be  firm.  The  impeachment  uv  yoorself  will 
raise  sich  a storm  uv  indignashim  in  the  North,  and  sich  sym- 
pathy for  Southern  Dimokrats,  ez  to  make  the  nominashun  uv 
even  sich  men  ez  Breckinridge  certin.  Yoo  are,  now,  uv  vast 
yoose  to  the  coz  ! I will  meet  yoo  at  Looisville,  and  accompany 
yoo  to  Tennessee.” 

• McClellan  ! Pendleton  ! Breckinridge  ! ” shouted  the  Presi- 
dent ; wat  uv  me  ! Am  I to  bleed  solely  for  their  good  ? I 
don’t  want  to  go  to  Tennessee,  nor  I won’t.  Am  I to  go  out 
impeached  for  their  benefit?  Never!”  And  Androo,  wlio 
isn’t  quite  ez  much  uv  a philosopher  as  Sokratees,  bustid  into 
teers,  swearin  that  he’d  see  em  blest  afore  he’d  sakrifis  a minit 
uv  his  term  for  any  body’s  yoose  but  his  own. 

The  next  wuz  from  a Assessor  in  Illinoy,  who  went  on  to 
remark  that  he  wood  be  glad  to  support  him,  but  a decent  re- 
gard for  the  interests  uv  his  family  indikated  a different  course. 
He  hed  espoused  the  cause  uv  the  President  agin  Congris  for 
the  sake  uv  the  position,  and  the  President  cood  well  under- 
stand that  it  wuz  no  more  difficult  to  change  now  to  keep  a 
offis,  than  it  wuz  to  change  two  years  ago  to  git  one.  He  wuz 
at  this  time  bizzily  engaged  in  supportin  Congris. 


612 


ME.  EANDALL’S  conclusion. 

Call  it  not  ingratitood/’  sed  be  ; I wuz  in  the  market  then, 
and  am  now,  percisely  ez  wuz  all  them  wich  yoo  led  captive 
out  uv  the  Eepublikin  party.  He  is  a eggregis  ass  who  wor- 
ships the  settin  sun,  when  by  turnin  around  he  kin  let  the 
golden  rays  uv  the  risin  orb  beam  onto  him.” 

At  this  pint,  and  long  afore  the  afflicted  President  bed  re- 
covered from  these  blows,  Wt^lles’s  nephew,  who  hed  bin  out 
on  a scout,  returned  with  a report.  Fust,  he  hed  notist  that 
every  durned  one  uv  the  cusses  who  hed  bin  beseegin  the 
White  House  for  appintrnents  for  months  past,  wuz  now  doggin 
Senator  Wade  around  ; that  they  waited  in-doors,  at  the  door 
uv  the  Senit  Chamber,  and  that  they  beseeged  his  hotel.  Sec- 
ondly, that  the  Constooshnel  Yoonyun  Club  wuz  then  in  session, 
and  wuz  jest  debatin  the  question  whether  to  change  the  name 
uv  the  Club  to  the  Ekal  Rites  Assosiashen,”  or  the  “ Radikle 
Brotherhood  ! ” Third,  that  the  conservative  clerks  in  the 
Departments  wuz  all  organizin  theirselves  in  Grant  clubs,  and 
that  already  one  uv  the  Department  clubs  hed  ordered  4000 
Grant  medals,  turnin  in  the  old  Johnson  medals  they  hed  bin 
wearin  as  part  pay. 

Good  Heavens  ! ” sed  His  Eggslency. 

Wat  else  cood  yoo  expect  ? ” retortid  Randall : we  bot  em 

cheap,  and  they  are  cheap  men,  I may  do  the  same  thing  afore 
nite.  The  experiment  uv  buyin  up  a party  at  so  much  a head 
hez-bin  tried  afore,  and  hez  alluz  failed,  very  much  like  the  ijee 
uv  perpetual  moshen.  Yoo  ken  git  considerable  enthoosiasm 
ez  long  ez  yoor  provender  holds  out,  but  then  — The  fact  is 
yoo  dident  get  no  Republikins  worth  hevin,  and  yoo  ain’t  uv  no 
yoose  to  the  Democrisy,  becoz  yoo  coodent  carry  enuff  uv  them 
Republikins  over  to  do  em  any  good.  My  deer  sir,  yoor  in  a 
tite  place.  We’re  retired  physicians,  whose  sfyids  uv  life  hev 
neerly  run  out.  I see  afore  me  a long  vista  uv  private  life. 
I sold  myself  ruther  cheep,  but  I don’t  complain.  I hev  about 
filled  the  measure  uv  my  ambishen  — people  forgit  in  a few 
years,  and  ef  they  didn’t,  Amerikin  people  won’t  be  crooel  enuff 
to  hold  my  children  responsible  for  wat  I hev  done.  Some  uv 
em  — I hev  keerfnlly  kept  em  away  from  Washington  for  neerly 
three  years  — may  yet  redeem  the  name  uv  Randall,  even  .ez 
worthy  men  by  the  name  uv  Arnold  hev  managed  to  live  and 


POLLOCK  VS.  BIGLER. 


513 


be  respected  — their  vircboos  more  than  balancin  the  un- 
fortinit  name  they  wuz  oust  with.  But,  A.  Johnson,  yoor  time 
is  short.  The  Bepublikins  is  furious,  and  the.  Dimocrisy  bed 
ruther  see  it  than  not.  I,  too,  will  visit  yoo  in  yoor  retire- 
ment in  Tennessee.’’ 

“ More  joy  A.  Johnson  in  his  eggsile  feels, 

Than  ’fore  the  Senit  laid  him  by  the  heels.” 

By  the  time  he  wuz  done  talkin,  the  balance  uv  em  bed  all 
left  the  room,  and  when  he  wuz  done  he  went  too,  leavin  no  one 
but  me.  The  sceen  wuz  affectin.  Droppin  his  head  onto  my 
buzzum,  the  scaldin  teers  a runnin  down  his  cheeks,  he  ex- 
claimed, in  a holler  voice,  One  by  one  they  go.  Mrs.  Cobb  fust, 
and  the  balance  immejitly  after.  0,  wat  a world  is  this  1 ” 

I draw  the  curtain  over  his  greet*.  I may  hev  to  financeer 
somewhat  to  hold  my  place,  but  I alluz  respeck  manly  emoshn. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M, 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

CLX. 

POLLOCK*  YS.  BIGLER. 

Post  Orris,  CoNrEDRiT  X Roads  % 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  C 
April  2,  1868.  ) 

The  Corners  is  continyooally  eggsited.  Scarcely  does  one 
fever  git  herself  allayed  afore  another  is  set  agoin,  and  the 
result  is  the  community  is  kept  a bilen  perpetooally.  Per- 
tickelerly  does  this  occur  when  Bascom  runs  short.  His  bar- 
rels contain  the  troo  oil  wich  flows  onto  the  troubled  waters  uv 
our  passions,  and  when  them  is  out,  there’s  a minatoor  Tophet 
to-wunst. 

The  last  excitement  wuz  probably  the  most  pekoolyer  that 
ever  happened  to  enny  people,  tho  it  wuz  nothin  more  than 
cood  be  expected  to  grow  out  uv  the  altered  relashens  uv  the 
races  to  each  other.  It  wuz  one  uv  the  legacies  left  us  by  the 
tyrant  Liukin,  and  by  no  meens  the  least  uv  em. 

33 


514 


THE  TROUBLE  IN  NAMES. 


/ 


4 

Under  the  old  patriarkle  system,  it  wuz  the  custom  uv  the 
niggers  to  go  by  the  name  uv  their  trooly  patriarkle  masters, 
wich  wuz  nessary,  and  not  only  nessary,  but  proper.  Onto 
every  plantashen  ther  wood  be  Ceesers,  Hannibals,  and  Pom- 
peys,  and  the  only  way  to  distinguish  em  wuz  to  call  em  Cee- 
ser  Pogram,  Hannibal  G-avitt,  et  settry.  This  ansered  very 
well  ez  long  ez  they  wuz  in  a state  uv  skriptooral  servitood ; 
indeed,  the  proud  Caucashen  masters  rather  liked  it,  ez  the 
frekency  with  wich  their  names  wuz  called  indikated  the  extent 
uv  their  possessions.  But  sence  these  cusses  hev  sot  up  for 
themselves,  it  ain’t  so  pleasant.  Now  that  they  kin  own  prop- 
erty and  perform  all  the  functions  uv  men,  the  same  ez  eny  one 
else,  it  hez  become  distasteful  to  the  Corners.  It  is  a singular 
fact  that  the  Corners  hez  diskivered,  since  the  niggers  wuz  set 
free,  suthin  they  never  knowd  afore,  to-wit : The  niggers  hez 

an  odor  unlike  the  white.  When  they  wuz  slaves,  and  used  to 
nuss  em  and  play  with  em,  and  wait  on  em,  and  sich,  this  odor 
wuz  not  perceptible.  It  hez  developed  sence  emancipashen. 
Jes  so  with  ther  names.  In  tlier  normal  condishen  it  wuz 
well  — sence,  if’s  a degredashun  wich  the  Corners  won’t  brook, 
no  how. 

Deekin  Pogram  and  Issaker  Gavitt  pertikelerly  . chafed  under 
it.  They  mourned  and  lost  flesh  under  the  inflipkshen.  To 
think,”  sed  the  Deekin,  uv  a hundred  free  niggers  bearin  the 
honored  name  uv  Pogram  ! ” To  think,”  syed  Issaker  Gavitt, 

uv  a hundred  niggers  bearin  the  illustrus  name  uv  Gavitt ! ” 
And  so  they  petishened  the  Legislacher  at  Frankfort  to 
releeve  em,  by  passin  a law  perhibitin  niggers  from  bearin  the 
name  uv  white  men  wich  wuz  their  former  masters.  The  fact 
leeked  out,  and  this  imbrolyo  wuz  the  result. 

Pollock,  the  Illinoy  stored^eeper,  wich  is  a disturber,  imrae- 
jitly  sood  Joe  Bigler  for  a store  debt,  and  bed  him  hauled  up 
afore  Squire  Punt.  Joe  immejitly  subpoenaed  all  the  citizens 
uv  the  Corners  ez  witnesses,  and  hed  em  all  in  tlie  Court  room. 

Come,”  sed  Deekin  Pogram,  sware  me  and  let  me  go.  I 
don’t  know  nothin  about  this  matter  anyhow.” 

Not  yit,”  sed  Bigler  ; I hev  other  testimony  wich  I shel 
put  in.  Mr.  Constable,  call  Hannible  Pogram.”  The  Deekin 
started  ez  ef  he  hed  bin  shot. 


TWO  LARGE  FAMILIES. 


515 


And  ez  we  kin  save  the  valyooable  time  iiv  this  court  by 
swearin  uv  em  in  a lump,  yoo  may  call  also  Pompey  Pogram, 
Joolius  Pogram,  Ceeser  Pogram,  George  Washington  Pogram 
(so  named  becoz,  like  the  first  G.  W.,  he  coodent  tell  a lie,  wich 
is  proof  concloosive  that  he  is  a pure  black,  and  haint  got  no 
Pogram  blood  in  his  vaines),  Mellissy  Pogram,  Abslum  Pogram, 
Cleopatra  Pogram,  Paul  Pogram,  Marie  Antynett  Pogram, 
Bonaparte  Pogram,  Charles  Wesle}^  Pogram,  Abel  Jackson 
Po—  ’’ 

Wat  does  this  mean  ? ” shreeked  the  Deekin,  ez  they  filed 
into  the  court  room.  Wat  do  yoo  mean  by  bringin  into  this 
yer  court  all  these  d — d niggers  ? ’’ 

^^Wat  do  I mean?  Wat  difference  is  it  to  yoo?  Theyh 
my  witnesses  — by  these  intelligent  freemen  I perpose  to  prove 
that  yer  Pollock  a perjered  villain  and  a most  unconshunable 
swindler.’’ 

And  he  grinned  at  Pollock,  who  winked  wickedly  at  him  in 
return. 

And  I,”  sed  Pollock,  “ to  save  time,  mite  ez  well  hev  my 
witnesses  swore.  Issaker  Gavitt,  stand  up.” 

Issaker  arose. 

Now,  Mr.  Constable,  call  Pompey  Gavitt,  Melindy  Gavitt, 
Augustus  Gavitt,  Petronella  Gavitt,  Lycurgus  Gavitt,  Abslum 
Gavitt,  Moses  Gavitt,  Jefferson  Gavitt,  Adam  Gavitt,  Martha 
Washington  Gavitt,  Parker  Gav — ” 

Am  I to  be  swore  with  all  these  niggers,”  ro'ared  Issaker, 
red  in  the  face. 

Reely,”  sed  Square  Punt,  I can’t  permit  this.” 

But  yoo  must,”  sed  Bigler.  Ez  desprit  a wretch  ez  is 
‘ this  Pollock,  ez  deeply  ez  hez  wronged  me,  ez  much  ez  I loath, 
hate,  and  despise  him,  he  shel  hev  fair  play  in  a court  uv 
justis.  Even  shood  he  beet  me  and  crush  me  neath  his  iron 
heel,  I insist  that  he  shel  hev  his  rites.  But  the  Square  hed 
better  swear  mine  first.” 

And  ez  they  generally  don’t  like  trouble  with  Bigler,  the 
Square,  pale  ez  a gost,  for  he  didn’t  know  wat  wuz  comin, 
swore  the  pile. 

Now,”  sed  Bigler,  Ceeser  Pogram,  stand  up.  Ceeser,  do 
yoo  know  the  nacher  uv  an  oath  ? ” 


516 


THE  TERRIBLE  EXAMINATION. 


Yes,  sail.’’ 

Who  wuz  yoor  father,  Ceeser  ? ” 

Don’t  know,  sah.” 

Is  yoor  mother  in  the  room,  and  hez  she  bin  sworn  ? ” 

Yes,  sah.” 

“You  may  set  down  for  the  present.  Will  Melissy  Pogram 
arise  ? ” 

The  wench  got  up. 

“ Now,  Melissy,  state  to  the  court  the  paternity  uv  yoor 
son  ? ” 

“ I object,”  shreejved  the  Deekin.  “ What  hez  that  to  do 
with  yoor  owin  Pollock  a store  debt?” 

“ Is  this  yoor  case  ? ” retorted  Bigler.  “ Are  yoo  defendant 
or  plaintiff  herein  ? Melissy,  anser.  No,  Melissy,  on  second 
thots,  to  spare  the  blushes  uv  the  Deekin  — to  cast  the  mantle 
uv  oblivion  over  the  peccadilloes  uv  his  yooth  — yoo  needent 
anser.  Do  yoo  want  to  cross-examine  the  witness,  Mr. 
Pollock  ? ” 

“ No  ! ” returned  he. 

“ Lycurgus  Gavitt,  stand  up.  Wat  rite  hev  yoo  to  bear  the 
name  uv  Gavitt  ? ” 

“ It  wuz  my  ladder’s  name.” 

“ To  wich  .pertikeler  Gavitt  do  yoo  allood?  ” 

“ The  lately  deceased  Elder.” 

“ Then  yoo  are  half-brother  to  Issaker  ? ” 

“ I is.” 

“ Yoo  may  sit  down.  I will  state  to  the  court  the  objict  uv 
these  questions,  which,  without  explanashen,  may  appear  irrel- 
evant. Mr.  Bigler  and  I agreed  unanimously  ez  to  how  this 
soot  should  be  conducted.  Niggers  alone  knowd  the  coz  uv 
difference  that  unfortnitly  ariz  between  us,  and  knowing  that 
the  pure  African  wuz  unworthy  uv  beleef,  we  determined  to 
yoose  only  sich  ez  cood  show  indisputable  descent  from  good, 
trustworthy,  Caucashen  citizens.  Hence  this  preliminary  eggs- 
aminashen.  We  hev  here  the  niggers  uv  mixed  blood  from 
every  plantashen  in  the  naberhood,  and  we  shel  reject  all  who 
can’t  show  mixt  blood.  Their  evidence  must  be  taken,  for  to 
doubt  the  word  uv  the  sons  and  daughters  uv  sich  men  wood 


THE  RECONCILIATION. 


517 


be  the  heiglith  uv  presumpslien,  and  an  insult  wicli  they 
wood  be  justified  in  resentin.^’ 

Certinly/’  sed  Bigler,  and  let’s  git  at  it.  Bonaparte 
Pogram,  stand  up.” 

“ Hold,”  sbriekt  the  Deekin,  observin  that  Mrs.  Pogram  hed 
just  stept  into  the  room ; how  much  is  at  ishoo  in  this  yer 
soot?” 

Ninety-one  cents  and  the  costs  that  hev  acrood,”  sed 
Pollock. 

I’ll  pay  it,”  remarkt  the  Deekin,  nervously,  ruther  than 
hev  this  farce  go  on.  Don’t  call  no  more  uv  em  — don’t. 
Here’s, the  money.” 

It  can’t  be,”  sed  Bigler ; I’m  bound  to  crush  that  Pol- 
lock.” 

Don’t  perceed  — don’t,”  yelled  Punt,  McPelter,  and  every 
other  white  man  in  the  room,  ez  they  notist  their  wives  drop- 
pin  in  one  by  one,  it’s  reelly  too  small  a matter  — reelly 
it  is.” 

Well,”  sed  Bigler,  ez  there  appears  to  be  sich  a yoonani- 
mus  desire  therefor,  I hev  no  objeckshen,  on  them  terms,  to 
forgive  Pollock  ; ” and  the  cusses  embraced  in  open  court,  while 
the  Deekin,  McPelter,  and  the  rest  uv  em  wuz  a payin  the 
niggers  their  witness  fees. 

Ez  they  wuz  a leavin  the  Court  Boom,  Bigler  sung  out,  — 

Deekin,  ef  yoo  send  on  that  petishen  to  Frankfort,  I shel 
send  on  a protest,  provin  that  evry  one  uv  the  niggers 
who  bear  yoor  name  hev  a nateral  rite  to  it.  Let  it  alone’, 
Deekin.  Ef  the  niggers  kin  stand  the  name,  yoo  ought  not 
to  object.” 

And  he  and  Pollock  rolled  off  together,  lafiSn  vociferously. 
It  was  a plot  atween  em  to  annoy  the  Corners.  Wood,  0,  wood 
that  we  cood  be  delivered  from  em  ! 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M.  ' 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


518 


A PROCESSION. 


CLXI. 

SERGEANT  BATES  IN  PETTUSVILLE,  VIRGINIA. 

Washington,  D.  C.,  20,  1868. 

Happenin  to  be  in  Washington  at  the  time  Sergeant  Bates, 
that  noblest  Roman  uv  all  the  Northern  men  who  took  up  arms 
- agin  the.  Sunny  South,  wuz  to  arrive,  it  okkured  to  me  that  it 
wood  be  a payin  investment  ef  I shood  go  out  to  Pettusville, 
wich  is  a beautiful  village,  containin  one  dry  goods  store  and 
13  flooid  groseries,  and  witness  the  reception  that  shood  be 
given  him.  Wat  transpired  thrilled  me  ; in  fact  I never  felt 
sich  a thrill  uv  joy  in  my  life  ez  I did  when  I saw  this  battle- 
scared  veteran  heave  in  sight.  He  came,  proudly  bearin  aloft 
the  Flag,  wich,  when  the  South  lied  her  rites,  and  owned  the 
niggers  body  and  soul,  in  fee  simple,  wuz  reely  and  trooly  the 
Flag  uv  the  Free,  but  wich  now  that,  alars  ! there  ain’t  a slave 
under  its  shadder,  and  all  are  permitted  to  do  ez  they  please,  is 
the  symbol  uv  the  most  oppressive  and  grindin  tyranny  wich 
the  world  ever  witnist. 

But,  nevertheless,  the  devoshun  to  the  old  flag,  wich  a site 
uv  it  stirred  up  in  the  breasts  uv  the  people  uv  Pettusville, 
reely  surprised  me.  Never  shel  I forgit  the  site  that  met  my 
eyes.  The  Sergeant  wuz  met  three  miles  out  uv  town,  by  a 
perceshun  wich  accompanied  him  in,  marchin  in  the  followin 
order:  — 

Band,  playin  The  Bonny  Bloo  Flag.” 

Detachment  of  the  Pettusville  Avengers,  made  up  uv  soljers 
wich  formely  served  in  the  13th  Virginia,  wich  wuz  employed 
for  fourteen  months  a guardin  Andersonville. 

Detachment  uv  the  Pettusville  Cadets,  made  up  of  sons  uv 
ponfedrit  soljers  who  wuz  killed  in  the  servis,  with  black 
banners,  onto  wich  wuz  inscribed,  We  will  avenge  our  slain 
sires.” 


A Democrat  named  Bates,  who  served  during  the  war,  made  a wager  that  he 
would  carry  the  flag  unfurled  from  Washington  to  Vicksburg,  without  molesta- 
tion on  the  route.  As  Sergeant  Bates  was  thoroughly  in  sympathy  with  the 
majority  of  the  white  people  on  the  route,  he,  of  course,  won  his  wager. 


THE  RECEPTION  SPEECH. 


.519 


Quartermaster  Sergeant  Bates  Commissary 

in  proudly  carryin  the  in 

late  C.  S.  A.  Amerikin  flag.  late  C.  S.  A. 

Four  survivors  uv  the  late  onpleasantnis,  carryin  each  a flag 
capchered  from  Wisconsin  regiments. 

Band  playin  Dixie  ’’  melojously. 

Citizens  on  foot,  and  hossback,  and  in  carts. 

On  strikin  the  corporation,  the  Mayor  (Captain  Badger,  uv 
Forrest’s  Cavalry),  and  the  town  clerk  (late  uv  the  lamentid 
John  ^lorgan’s  command),  appeared,  and  the  procession  stopped 
while  the  formalities  wuz  gone  through  with.  The  Mayor  re- 
ceived the  Sergeant  in  these  words  : — 

Sergeant  Bates.  Sir  : Understandin,  ez  we  do,  that  yoo 
chivalrously  made  a wager  (wich  is  a bet)  with  a Wisconsin 
Ablishnist,  that  yoo  cood  walk  from  Vixburg  to  Washinton 
carryin  the  Amerikin  flag  unfurled  without  being  insulted  nor 
nothin,  and  hevin  receeved  testimony  from  leadin  Democrats 
uv  Wisconsin,  wich  is  entirely  satisfactory  to  us,  that  yoo  are 
not  in  no  sense,  nor  never  wuz  at  any  time,  in  sympathy  with 
the  Ablishen,  or  ez  they  falsely  style  theirselves,  the  Republi- 
kin  party,  we  extend  too  yoo  the  hospitalities  uv  Pettusville. 
And  ez  there  are  reporters  present,  let  me  remark,  sir,  that 
yoor  experience  hez  showd  how  falsely  we  hev  bin  judged  by 
the  persekooters  uv  the  Northern  States.  Yoo  hev  bin  met  on 
evry  hand  with  kindness.  Southern  hospitality,  uv  the*  broad- 
est kind,  hez  bin  extended  to  yoo.  Yoo  hev  hed  a chaw  off  uv 
evry  plug,  yoo  hev  hed  yoor  suck  out  uv  evry  bottle,  yoor 
nose  shows  that  sence  yoo  entered  the  Sunny  South  you  hev 
not  bin  allowed  to  taste  water,  wich  is  our  idee  uv  hospitable 
treatment.  Wat  does  this  prove?  Ef  Charles  Sumner,  for 
instance,  or  Judge  Kelley,  hed  bin  so  presumpshus,  or  any 
other  Bepublikin,  ez  to  attempt  sich  a feet,  the  outraged  South- 
ern hart  wood  hev  biled  over,  and  he  wood  hev  bin  tored  to 
pieces.  Wat  does  it  prove  ? It  proves  that  ’tain’t  the  flag  we 
object  to  so  much  ez  it  is  the  men  who  hev  bin  in  the  habit  uv 
carryin  it.  In  the  hands  uv  a constitooshenel  Dimocrat  it’s  the 
same  old  flag  it  alluz  wuz.  In  sich  hands,  its  rnssle  sounds  in 
our  ears  like  the  crack  uv  the  nigger  whip,  and  the  site 


520 


A DISCQURSE  ON  THE  FLAG. 


thereof  is  soothin.  For  when  the  flag  wuz  in  them  hands,  we 
hunted  niggers  under  its  folds  in  the  streets  uv  Boston. 
Under  that  flag  we  shot  Lovejoy  in  Alton,  and  sunk  Bailey^s 
press  in  the  Ohio  at  Cincinnati.  Under  the  shadow  uv  that 
blessid  flag  we  sold  niggers  at  auction  in  Washinton,  and  that 
flag,  that  symbol  of  Freedom,  wood  hev  floated  over  the  deck 
uv  every  slave  ship  wich  sailed  from  Africa,  but  for  the  unjust 
and  sooisidle  laws  wich  forced  the  philanthropists  in  the  biznis 
to  sale  under  other  penants.  In  yoor  hands,  and  the  hands  uv 
sich  ez  you,  the  flag  is  to  us  the  old  flag  it  wuz  then,  and  it’s 
sacred  to  us,  becoz  under  it  we  cood  do  all  these  things. 
That’s  why  we  love  it,  and  that’s  why  ^ve  tolerate  it.  Hed  it 
remained  sich  we  never  wood  hev  raised  our  hands  agin  it. 
When  sich  ez  Polk  and  Bookanon  hed  the  control  uv  it  we  wuz 
satisfied  with  it,  and  reverenced  every  stripe  and  every  star  — 
for  to  us  that  flag  meant  siithin.  It  meant  freedom  for  us  — 
free  trade  in  niggers  — it  meant  Suthern  soopremacy  — it 
meant  the  rite  to  buy  niggers  — sell  niggers,  import  niggers 
— export  niggers  — flog  niggers  — hunt  niggers.  So  long  ez 
the  flag  wuz  sich  we  loved  it.  But  when  the  North  dispooted 
our  control  uv  it,  and  put  it  in  the  hands  uv  A.  Linkin,  an 
Ablishnist,  it  wuz  our  flag  no  more.  Then  we  felt  it  must 
come  down  — that  its  mission  wuz  ended,  and  that  to  us  it 
wuz  nothin.  I fired  onto  that  flag.  I raised  my  hand  agin  it, 
and  proud  I am.  But  borne  by  a Democrat — a old  style 
Democrat  — a Democrat  who  stuck  to  us  becoz  he  wuz  afeered 
of  nigger  ekality,  it  is  wunst  more  the  same  old  flag,  and  we 
reverence  it.  Why  then,  when  yoo,  a carry  in  tliis  emblem  uv 
the  nashun’s  grander,  kin  walk  all  over  the  South,  where  all  is 
peace,  and  so  much  affeckshun  is  manifested  for  the  flag,  why 
do  they  keep  a army  to  overawe  us  ? Why  — ” 

An  interruption  here  occurred.  A shot  wuz  heard,  and  the 
crowd  rushed  to  see  wat  it  wuz.  They  returned  presently. 
A funeral  procession  uv  niggers  wuz  passin  thro  the  next 
street,  a carryin  to  the  nigger  graveyard  a nigger  solger  who  hed 
jest  died  uv  injoories  received  doorin  the  late  onpleasantnis ; 
and  ez  they  marched  with  a flag  at  their  head,  the  excited  and 
insulted  populis  hed  cleaned  em  out.  Two  uv  em  wuz  shot, 
and  the  preacher  with  em  wuz  left  for  dead.  This  over,  they 


THE  CONCLUDING  CEREMONIES. 


521 


returned,  and  the  Mayor  went  on.  Sergeant  Bates,  I wel- 
come yoo,  and  with  yoo  tha  flag,  to  Pettusville.’’ 

Sergeant  Bates  replied  briefly.  Since  he  came  into  the 
South  he  hed  bin  treated  kindly.  In  the  rooral  deestriks,  once 
or  twice,  where  the  people,  in  their  deliteful  unsoflstication, 
don’t  read  noosepapers,  and  consekently  didn’t  jist  know  the 
object  uv  his  carryin  the  flag,  he  wuz  went  for  rather  ruff;  but 
a few  words  convinst  em  that  he  wuz  sound,  and  it  didn’t  in- 
commode him.  The  niggers  in  the  rooral  deestricks  also 
rather  overwhelmed  him  with  attenshun,  but  he  hed  no  difiS- 
c.iilty  in  shakin  em  off.  Stickin  a coppy  uv  the  Noo  York 
World  in  their  faces  did  it.  He  cood  say  he  wuz  delited  with 
his.  experience. 

The  ceremony  bein  over,  the  Mayor  mounted  his  boss,  and, 
one  band  play  in  Dixie  and  the  tother  the  Bonny  Bloo  Flag,  the 
percesshun  moved  to  the  town-hall,  where  the  Sergeant  wuz 
interdoost  to  the  principal  citizens,  incloodin  the  officers  uv  the 
Kuk  Klux  Klan. 

I left  Pettusville  entirely  satisfied.  Our  stump  speekers 
hev  now  suthin  to  go  on.  The  flag  hez  gone  thro  the  South, 
its  folds  hev  kist  the  breeze  in  evry  Southern  State,  and  its 
carry er  hezen’t  bin  shot  on  the  spot  onct.  We  kin  now  appeel 
to  the  people.  Hed  a Ablishnist  carried  it  he  wood  hev  bin 
shot.  Can’t  they  see  in  this  the  path  to  peece  ? Can’t  they 
see  how  much  more  it  wood  harmonize  things  ef  they  wood  let 
sich  men  carry  it  all  the  time  ? Can’t  they  see  that,  whereas, 
ther  will  be  a continyooal  hart-burnin  in  the  South  ef  sich  a 
man  ez  Grant  hez  charge  uv  the  nashnel  emblem,  that  all  v/ill 
be  lovely  and  sweet  ef  it  is  given  into  the  hands  uv  Pendle- 
ton ? Sich  is  the  lesson  I extract  from  Sergeant  Bates. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


522 


JOE  BIGLER  INTERFERES. 


CLX.II. 

A COINTENTION  AT  THE  CORNERS. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  ^ 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  C 
April  26,  1868.  ) 

There  never  will  be  peace,  or  anything  like  it,  at  the  Corners 
till  that  disturber,  Joe  Bigler,  and  his  adherent,  Pollock,  are 
shot,  or  otherwise  killed.  In  the  olden  time,  afore  the  inog- 
gerashen  uv  the  Ablisheners,  we  hed  a short  way  uv  disposin 
uv  sich.  It  wuz  a maxim  in  the  South  that  ther  cood  be  peece 
only  wher  ther  wuz  a perfeck  yoonanimity  uv  sentiment,  and  to 
bring  about  that  onenis  uv  idees  — that  deliteful  concord  wich 
wuz  so  desirable  — we  were  in  the  habit  uv  shootin  or  hangin 
the  most  stubborn  uv  those  wich  didn’t  agree  with  the  majority, 
and  tarrin  and  featherin  those  who  were  yet  accessible  to 
Kentucky  reason.  By  viggerusly  persooin  this  course  the 
minorities  in  this  vicinity  wuz  kept  tollably  small  and  con- 
trollable. Why  these  cusses  hevent  bin  so  treated  passes  my 
comprehenshen. 

Our  convenshun  to  nominate  candidates  for  county  ofiSces 
wuz  held  yesterday.  I wuz  cheerman  uv  course,  for  I now 
okkupy  that  posishen  (since  it  wmz  discovered  that  Captain 
McPelter  kin  write  he  hez  bin  Sekretary),  and  I felt  a sinkin 
sensashen  when  I saw  that  cuss,  Bigler,  and  that  other  cuss. 
Pollock,  enter  the  door. 

Deekin  Pogram,  ez  he  saw  em,  biled  over.  Risin  to  his  feet, 
the  venerable  old  patriark  inquired,  in  a voice  tremulous  with 
emoshun,  wat  in  thunder  he  wuz  there  for, 

Josef,  hev  yoo  a rite  to  set  in  a Democratic  convenshun, 
holdiu,  ez  yoo  do,  opinyuns  the  reverse  uv  Dimocratic?” 

Deekin,”  returned  this  Bigler,  I carry  in  my  body  Fedral 
lead  — I wuz  under  the  Confedrit  flag  in  sixty  battles,  sker- 
mishes,  and  skedaddles.  I hev  a certifikate  to  that  effeck  from 
the  late  lamented  John  Morgan.  That  certifikit  wood  admit 
me  to  a seet  in  any  Dimocratic  Convenshun  in  the  North  — 
shel  it  not  be  snflicient  here  in  Kentucky?  Alars,  the  Proflt 
is  not  wdthout  honor  save  in  his  own  Cross  Roads.” 


EESOLUTIONS,  REGULAR  AND  IRREGULAR.  523 

And  Josef  let  on  he  wept,  when  Pollock  ostentashusly 
handed  him  a pocket  handkercher. 

Ef  1 hed  any  hetrodox  views  I hev  repented  nv  em,  me 
and  Pollock,  and  we  perpose  to  vote  for  all  yer  resolooshens, 
like  frisky  lambs  wat  is  glad  to  get  back  to  the  troo  fold. 
Don’t  we  Pollock  ? ” 

Certin,  we  do.  The  Convenshun  may  go  on  and  count 
us  in  ez  troo  converts  from  Ablishism ; wich,  in  view  nv  the 
fact  that  my  store  hez  bin  set  on  fire  twict  becoz  nv  my  awful 
opinions,  I may  be  sed  to  be  literally  a brand  plnckt  from  the 
bnrnin.  Go  on.” 

Findin  they  wnz  bound  to  stay,  we  went  on.  The  first  thing 
in  order  wnz  the  adopshen  nv  resolooshens,  ez  follows  : . — 

1.  We  resolved  we  hed  the  utmost  confidence  in  Androo 
Johnson,  President  nv  the  Yoonited  States,  pervided  he  wnzn’t 
impeeched;  ef.he  wnz,  then  we  shood  hev  the  privilege  nv 
considerin  him  worthy  nv  confidence  or  not,  ez  the  circumstan- 
ces nv  the  case  shood  warrant. 

2.  That  the  Congris  nv  the  Yoonited  States  wnz  a nnconsti- 
tooshnel  body,  wich  wnz  persistently  endeavrin  to  break  up  the 
Government  nv  the  Yoonited  States. 

3.  That  the  thanks  nv  the  Democracy  is  due  the  people  nv 
the  South  for  their  forbearance  in  not  risin  to  sweep  the  radical 
faction  from  the  face  nv  the  earth. 

At  this  pint  Bigler  arose.  He  wanted  to  know  ef  this  con- 
venshen,  stylin  itself  Democratic,  wnz  agoin  to  be  satisfied 
with  them  resolooshens?  He  called  for  the  readin  nv  the 
regler  one,  without  wich  no  Democratic  platform  wnz  complete. 
He  referred  tohhe  one  dedicatin  this  Government  forever  to 
white  men.  Here  it  is,”  lie  sed. 

Resolved^  That  this  Government  wnz  established  by  white 
men,  and  that  white  men  will  keep  it  intact  for  white  men  and 
their  posterity  forever. 

I demand,  ez  a white  man,”  sed  this  Bigler,  that  this 
resolooshnn  be  added.  Let  every  white  man,  every  proud 
Cancashen,  who  believes  in  race,  say  ^ Aye,’  and  with  em- 
phasis.” 

And  every  one  nv  em  hollered  out  Aye  ” with  all  their 
mite. 


524  POSTERITY.” 

Good  1 ” sed  Bigler,  good.  White  men  and  their  posterity ! 
Wat  a noble  sentiment ! Say  ^ Aye  ’ to  my  resolooshun  agin.” 

And  they  yelled  Aye  ” agin. 

Now  Pollock,  brother  in  the  troo  faith,  newly  baptized, 
will  yoo  open  the  door?  IPs  better  to  be  a door-keeper  in  the 
lionse  uv  Democracy  than  to  dwell  in  the  tents  of  Ablishnism. 
Open  the  door.” 

Wich  Pollock  did,  and  then  entered — wat ! Good  Heavens  ! 
■ — A Hundred  Mulatto,  Quadroon,  and  Octoroon  Niggers 

— TWO  BY  TWO. 

Wat  does  this  mean  ? ” shrieked  I. 

Who  are  them  ? ” gasped  Deekin  Pogram. 

Hell ! ” sed  Issaker  Gavitt,  profanely. 

‘‘They  are  the  posterity  referred  to  in  my  resolooshen. 
‘ This  Government  wuz  established  by  white  men,  and  shel  be 
preserved  for  white  men  and  their  posterity,’  I think  it  read. 
These  are  the  posterity.  There  may  be  a few  here  who  wood 
be  barred  out  on  the  score  uv  bein  the  posterity  of  white 
women,  but  these  are  excepshuns.  The  majority  uv  those 
here,  ez  yoo  kin  easily  determine  by  their  color,  are  the  pos- 
terity uv  white  men.  They  are  not  pure  black.  Here  is 
every  shade,  from  the  subdood  yaller  uv  the  mulatto,  up  to  the 
almost  white  uv  him  who  hez  only  a sixteenth  part  nigger 
blood  in  his  veins.  Uv  coorse  they  will  take  seats  and  assist 
us  in  nominatin  the  ticket  wich  called  us  together.” 

“Uv  course  they  won’t!”  roared  Deekin  Pogram.  “I 
never  will  set  in  a convenshen  with  niggers  — never  ! never  ! I 
never  ill” 

“Very  good.  Ef  this  is  the  yoonanimus  decision,  we  won’t 
nominate  any  ticket.  I take  the  responsibility  uv  bustin  this 
Convenshen.  But,  0,  Deekin ! wat  a goin  back  on  yoor  prin- 
ciples 1 Dare  yoo  deny  that  these  shades,  these  modified 
mokes,  are  the  posterity  uv  white  men  ? Deekin,  shood  yoo 
cast  yoor  beamin  eye  over  this  assemblage,  woodent  it  rest 
parentally  and  lovinly  onto  yoor  own  posterity  ? 0,  Deekin, 

ef  yoo  go  back  on  the  resolooshen  wich  yoo  yoonanimously 
voted  for,  don’t,  I beg  uv  yoo,  go  back  onto  nacher.  Don’t 
desert  yoor  children.  Don’t  turn  a deef  ear  to  the  pleadins  uv 
nacher,  or  a blind  eye  to  her  supplications.  Hannibal  Pogram, 


MRS.  COBB^S  ADIEU. 


. 525 


go  and  beg  yoor  father  to  permit  yoo,  his  posterity,  skarcely 
blacker  than  he,  and  a cnssid  site  handsomer,  to  mix  in  this 
yere  caucus.’^ 

The  Deekin  indignantly  left  the  room,  and  I follered  soot, 
wich  eggsample  wuz  follered  by  all  nv  us.  Bigler  and  Pollock 
remained,  and  nominated  a ticket  uv  these  half-bleached  cusses, 
making  it  up  entirely  uv  the  Pograin,  Gavitt,  and  Punt  niggers, 
ez  these  names,  they  sed,  hed  Aveight  in  the  county  ! Who 
will  deliver  us  from  these  tAvo  bodies  uv  death. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

(Avicli  is  Postmaster). 

— — 

CLXIII. 

THE  PREPARATIONS  OF  THE  MARTYR  FOR  THE. 
COMING  EVENT. 

Washington,  May  2,  1868. 

The  President  is  uv  the  opinion  that  he  will  be  impeeched, 
wich  opinion  is  shared  by  his  confidenshel  friends.  Indeed, 
Randall  fell  onto  his  neck  when  he  told  him  that  he  hed 
come  to  that  conclooshun,  and  remarkt  that  that  avuz  the  first 
correct  conclooshun  he  hed  come  to  sence  he  hed  bin  Presi- 
dent. Ef  anything  will  stop  it,  it  Avill  be  the  speeches  Avich 
are  delivered  for  the  prosecooshun.  He  hez  some  hope  that 
the  people,  Avhen  they  see  the  avalanche  uv  Avords  that  hez  bin 
piled  onto  him,  Avill  hev  their  hatred  turned  into  pity,  and  that 
pity  will  in  this,  ez  in  other  matters,  melt  into  love.  But  that^s 
a thin  reliance,  and  he  knoAvs  it,  and  is,  therefore,  preparin  to 
leaA^e  Washinton.  He  hez  alreddy  bid  adoo  to  Mrs.  Cobb. 
They  met  for  the  last  time  this  mornin.  She  wood  hev  ac- 
companied him  to  Greenville  ; but  he  sed,  “ Nay.  To  yoose 
the  Avords  uv  another  — 

‘ My  fate  it  is  too  cold  for  thee,  Mrs.  Cobb ; 

’Twould  chill  thy  deerest  joy  ; 

I’d  rather  weep  to  see  thee  free,  Mrs.  Cobb, 

Than  keep  thee  to  destroy.’ 


526 


THE  president’s  SIMPLE  WANTS. 


Here  we  part.  I hev  no  longer  the  pardnin  power,  or  dis- 
posal uv  offices.  Ef  I shood  git  to  be  Mayor  uv  Greenville, 
which  is  in  State  uv  Tennessee,  I mite,  perchance,  give  yoo 
the  disposal  of  the  one  polece  uv  that  anteek  town ; but,  alars  ! 
he  cood  not  afford  to  pay  yoo  enuff  to  keep  yoo  in  garters. 
No  ! no  ! Farewell ! I’m  scooped.  A.  Johnson’s  okkepashun’s 
gone.” 

Mrs.  Cobb  wuz  led  out,  bathed  in  teers.  I am  informed, 
however,  that  she  is  in  comfortable  circumstances,  bavin  bin 
ruther  savin  doorin  that  halcyon  period  uv  pardnin  rebels. 
She  bled  em  handsome,  and  put  suthin  by  for  a rainy  day.  I 
told  the  President  this,  and  he  wuz  visibly  releeved.  It  wuz 
sejested  by  a council  uv  his  friends,  that  he  shood  return  qui- 
etly and  by  the  neerest  route,  to  wich  he  assented.  He  wood 
go,  he  sed,  unostentashusly  and  without  display  to  Greenville, 
by  way  uv  Baltimore,  Philadelphia,  Noo  York,  Noo  Haven, 
(Conn.),  Savannah,  Mobeel,  Noo  Orleens,  Looisville,  and  Du- 
buke,  Iowa.  Write  to  all  my  friends,”  sed  he,  and  beg  uv 
em  not  to  offer  me  any  ovashens,  or  anythin  uv  the  sort.  I 
desire  to  glide  into  history  ez  a martyr  (with  a halo  round  my 
head),  wich  bowed  meekly  and  uncomplaininly  to  the  behests 
uv  the  d — dest  tyranny  on  the  globe.  Tell  em  that  the  most  I 
desire  in  the  larger  cities  is  processions,  witli  appropriate 
moosic,  banners,  and  sich,  to  receeve  me  at  the  cars  and  to 
escort  me  to  my  hotel,  and  a simple  balcony  from  wich  to 
address  my  fellow-citizens,  that  I may  set  their  hearts  at  rest 
by  asshoorin  uv  them  that  I am  ez  devoted  to  the  constitoo- 
shen  now  ez  ever,  and  to  tell  em  how  much  I hev  suffered  in 
their  behalf.  I want  no  wreath,  no  gaudy  chaplets  wove  for 
me  ; no  illuminashens,  no  nothin.  I wood  merely  sejest  that  at 
each  place  the  percession  be  headed  by  a tomb  — a mausoleum 
— on  wheels,  drawed  by  ten  black  horses,  all  clothed  in  mourn- 
in,  the  tomb  to  bear  the  inscription,  Impeachment : In  this 
is  buried  Androo  Johnson,  and  with  him  the  constitooshen,  the 
flag,  and  the  liberties  uv  his  country,  wich  he  wood  hev  saved.” 
It  mite  be  well  to  hev  another  follerin  behind  it  with  a wax 
Agger  uv  Columby  bustin  the  mausoleum,  and  histin  a wax 
Agger  uv  me  out  uv  it,  chuckin  the  constitooshen  at  me  ez  she 
does  it,  exclairnin  the  while,  ‘‘Pise,  second  Washington  — rise, 
step-father  uv  yer  country.”  These  little  allegories  wood  in- 


HIS  DETERMINATION. 


527 


culcate  a great  moral  lesson^  and  wood  inspire  the  people 
with  awe.’’ 

Randall  objected.  Wat’s  the  yoose  ? ” he  sed.  Ef  T am 
in  the  car  with  yoo,  — and  I spose  I shel  hev  to  see  this  thing 
out,  — the  Ablishnists  will  jeer  and  flout  me,  and  sa}%  ‘ Go  up, 
bald  head  ! ’ The  inscripshens  they  will  laif  at,  and  they  won’t 
do  our  people  eny  good,  for  not  one  in  ten  kin  read  em.” 

Welles  wuz  in  favor  uv  the  mausoleum,  only  he  wood  hev  a 
slite  change.  He  wood  hev  Columbia  supported  by  him,  ez 
Neptoon,  the  God  uv  the  briny  deep,  puttin  a wax  sceptre, 
labelled  ^^Yeto,”  in  the  hands  pv  the  wax  President,  with  the 
inscripshen,  Y^ith  tins  he  wood  hev  saved  the  Constitooshn.” 
Randall  wuz  overpowered,  but  he  did  not  give  up  his  pint. 

I hev  decided  on  this,”  sed  the  President.  ‘‘  I shel  not 
pervent  the  people  from  testifyin  their  devoshen  to  me,  and 
bearin  witness  to  my  many  virchoos.  I hev  already  received 
tenders  of  percessions  ez  terrible  ez  armies  Vith  banners. 
The  Blood  Tubs  uv  Baltimore,  the  Killers  uv  Philadelfy,  and 
the  Bed  Rabbits  uv  Noo  York,  hev  all  expressed  a desire  to  do 
me  this  honor.  In  Noo  Haven,  the  Noo  Yorkers  kin  go  ther  to 
make  the  percession,  jist  ez  easy  ez  they  went  up  ther  to  vote 
our  ticket  in  the  spring,  ez  I shel  not  be  in  two  places  the 
same  day.  In  the  South,  ef  the  Confedrits  I hev  pardoned 
will  all  turn  out,  the  pdrcessions  will  be  miles  in  length,  and  ef 
they  do  not,  the  Ku  Klux  will  be  on  hand.” 

Randall  cautioned  him  not  to  count  double.  ‘‘  Yoo  are 
probably  aware,”  sed  he,  “ that  the  Ku  Klux  is  made  up  almost 
entirely  uv  the  patriots  yoo  pardoned.  But  that  don’t  matter ; 
yoo  will  still  be  ovatid  to  yoor  heart’s  desire.  I hev  corre- 
spondence. Here  is  a letter  from  a prominent  Noo  York  Dim- 
ocrat : ^ Hev  him  come  this  way.  The  nigger  drfan  asylum 

burnt  in  1863  hez  bin  rebilt,  and  the  boys  are  achin  for  a chance 
to  go  for  it  agin.  His  comin  wood  stir  up  our  voters  to  some 
extent,  and  help  to  swell  the  majority  for  Seymour.’ 

“ Another  one  says,  — 

‘ I hev  no  objeckshun  to  yoor  funeral  percession  passin  thro 
Noo  Haven.  I don’t  think  it  wood  hurt  us.  It  wood  hev  the 
effeck  uv  gittin  up  some  excitement,  wich  possibly  Ave  cood 
turn  to  account  in  the  fall  election.  But  it  must  be  managed 
nicely.’ 


528 


THE  IMPEACHMENT  FAILURE. 


Another  remarks  : — 

^ He  bed  better  come  to  Richmond,  I think.  We  cood  git 
up  a percession  wich  wood  terrify  the  niggers  and  white  loyal- 
ists, and  possibly  keep  em  from  ratifyin  the  Constitooshun.  I 
will  make  the  speech,  and  will  say  any  good  things  uv  Johnson 
yoo  may  sejest,  for  I am  an  old  man  and  hev  no  further  hopes 
for  .myself,  and  am  consekently  reckliss.’ 

I hev,’’  said  Randall,  others  uv  similar  import  from  Noo 
Orleens,  Mobeel,  Yixburg,  and  Memphis.  The  writers  all  mani- 
fest the  most  ardent  devoshen  to  — ” 

I knowd  they  wood,”  exclaimed  the  President.  I yit  hev 
friends.” 

— To  the  candidate  uv  the  Noo  York  Convenshun,  and  ez 
they  all  appear  to  think  that  this  percession  thro  the  country 
wood  help  em,  I am  willin.  I can  stand  it.  Like  my  Richmond 
friend,  I hev  nothin  to  hope  for.” 

The  tour  wu*z  desided  upon,  and  the  President  retired  com- 
paratively happy.  The  people  must  compliment  him  to  his 
face,  and  he’s  a goin  out  in  a sort  uv  a blaze  uv  glory  any 
how. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

CLXIV. 

THE  IMPEACHMENT  FAILURE.  — THE  FEELING  AT 
THE  WHITE  HOUSE. 

Washington,  D.  C.,  May  19,  1868. 

The  happiest  hours  I hev  enjoyed  for  years  past  over  me  last 
nite.  The  failyoor  to  impeech  filled  me  with  joy  inexpressible. 

Thank  Hevin  ! Halleloogy  ! Ef  I wuz  David  I shood  re- 
string my  harp,  ef  I wuz  Miriam  I shood  order  a fresh  timbrel. 


After  the  failure  to  impeach  President  Johnson,  the  Democracy  turned  their 
eyes  towards  Chief  Justice  Chase  as  the  most  available  man  to  lead  them.  It 
was  a most  curious  thing  to  see  Chase  and  Voorhees  in  communion  sweet. 


CONGRATULATORY  DESPATCHES. 


529 


ef  I wuz  Herodias  I sbood  dance  afore  the  King  ! For  we  hev 
pervaled.  Our  shepherd  boy  hez  met  this  Goliath  uv  Radical- 
ism, and  with  weapons  wich  he  took  from  his  pouch  hez  con- 
kered  him.  This  rapsody  hez  reference  to  impeechment  ex- 
cloosively.  . 

When  the  vote  wuz  announced  tlier  wuz  the  wildest  en- 
thoosiasm  manifested.  The  streets  wuz  immejitly  filled  with 
the  faithful.  Baltimore  and  the  cities  further  South  hed  vom- 
itid  all  over  Washinton.  Mrs.  Cobb,  no  longer  in  teers,  hed 
returned,  the  pardon-brokers,  whisky-spekilaters,  and  those 
who  hed  difficulties  with  courts  on  account  uv  irregularities  in 
the  currency  they  manufactured,  wuz  all  here,  and  joyful. 
Confedrit  Captains,  Kernels,  and  Brigadiers  forgot  their  re- 
spective ranks  and  embraced  each  other  in  the  public  streets ; 
the  gray  coats  wich  hed  seen  servis  at  Anteetam  and  Harper’s 
Ferry  made  their  appearance  agin,  the  drinkin  saloons  filled 
up  ez  ef  by  magic,  in  fact,  the  sceen  remindid  me  very  much 
uv  the  revival  uv  the  coz  on  the  22d  uv  Febrooary,  1866. 

At  the  White  House  there  wuz  the  most  terrific  exhilerashun. 
The  President  sat  smilin  serenely,  Sekretary  Welles  (blessins 
on  his  frosty  pow)  wuz  ez  lively  ez  the  Dunderberg,  and 
Patterson  wuz  normal.  The  room  wuz  crowded  with  persons 
to  congratoolate  the  President  on  his  success,  and  every  minit 
congratulatory  despatches  wuz  bein  reseeved,  uv  wich  the 
follerin  is  samples  : — 

Concord,  N.  H.,  19th. 

The  Dimocrisy  uv  Noo  Hampsheer  send  greetin  to  Noo 
Hampsheer’s  noblest  son,  Salmon  P.  Chase.  We  forgive  and 
welcum  him.  F.  Peerce. 

Noo  Orleans,  19th. 

The  city  is  ablaze  with  enthoosiasm.  My  old  poleece  is 
now  paradin  the  streets,  a cheerin  for  Chase.  Ez  I write  they 
are  givin  nine  cheers  and  a tiger  ez  they  pass  the  spot  at  wich 
Dostie  wuz  shot.  Judge  Abell  desires  me  to  add  his  congratu- 
lashuns.  Monroe,  Ex-Mayor. 

Peory,  III.,  19th. 

The  circle  wich  hez  a interest  in  the  handlin  uv  ardent 
sperits  at  this  place,  congratulates  the  President  on  his  triumph 
34 


530 


THE  COOLNESS  OF  EANDALL. 


over  his  (and  our)  enemies.  Ther  confidence  in  the  integrity 
uv  the  Senit  wiiz  not  misplaced.  They  consider  the  money 
they  contributed  to  bring  about  this  result  well  spent,  and  will 
promptly  honor  any  draft  made  upon  em  for  means  to  carry 
His  Eggslency  safe  thro  the  remainin  ten  articles. 

By  order  uv  the  Circle. 

The  President  promptly  answered  this  telegram,  statin  that 
no  more  money  was  needed  to  be  yoosed  for  impeachment  pur- 
poses, ez  the  contract  with  Senators  kivered  the  entire  eleven 
articles. 

There  were  others  from  Morrissey,  Vallandigham,  and  others, 
all  breethin  the  same  sperit  uv  thankfulnis  for  the  result,  and 
all  acknowledgin  indebtednis  to  the  noble  Republikins  wich 
hed  brot  it  about.  These  come  from  my  old  Kentucky  home : 

Halleloojy  ! I’ll  hev  my  niggers  agin  ! Thank  Hevin  ! My 
son  Josier  is  even  now  findin  out  ther  whereabouts.  The 
Lord  be  praised  ! Hev  already  subjoogated  three  uv  em. 
Selah  ! Bells  is  ringin  and  bonfires  is  blazin.  Pogram. 

The  Corners  congratulates  yoo  and  the  President.  I com- 
mence work  to-morrer  on  the  enlargement  uv  my  distillery, 
wich  wuz  suspended  when  the  impeachment  onpleasantnis  wuz 
begun.  All  hale  I McPelter. 

Why,”  sed  I to  Randall,  who  sat  moody  and  alone,  donT 
yoo  and  the  President  share  in  tlie  general  exileration  ? He 
doesn’t  seem  to  be  the  least  eggscited.” 

Why  shood  we?”  retorted  he.  Doth  the  shepherd  go 
into  spasms  over  the  sheep  he  hez  safe  in  his  fold  ? The  fact  is, 
our  eggscitin  time  wuz  several  weeks  ago,  while  we  wuz  a 
buyin  uv  em,  and  arrangin  for  this.  The  Black  Crook  is  ruther 
startlin  to  the  beholder  from  the  front,  but  to  the  managers 
who  contracted  for  the  legs  at  so  much  a pair,  and  arranged 
the  tablo  it  ain’t  so  startlin.” 

‘‘  Thinkst  thou  the  new  programme  will  result  ez  the  Presi- 
dent hopes  ? ” 

No  ; the  new  party  can’t  succeed,  no  more  than  our  last 
vencher  did.  It  ain’t  made  up  uv  the  right  material.  There’s 
more  intelleck  than  sole  in  it  — more  bowels  than  heart. 
There’s  Chase,  Fessenden,  Trumbull,  and  Grimes.  Chase  hez 


A DREAM. 


531 


ambitioD,  Grimes  bate,  and  Trumbull  and  Fessenden  dyspepsia, 
making  the  engregencies  in  the  new  organization  half  ambition 
and  hate  and  half  dyspepsia.  Never  trust  a man  whose  stumick 
is  out  of  order;  take  no  stock  in  him  whose  bowels  is  unsound. 
Intelleck  is  nothin,  heart  is  nothin,  onless  there’s  a stumick 
under  em  on  wich  to  build.  Chase  hez  no  conshense,  Trumbull 
and  Fessenden  no  gastric  joose.  Sich  men  alluz  conspire  and 
alluz  fail.  Still,  Fm  glad  the  thing  occurred.” 

Ef  it  amounts  to  nothin,  why  glad  ? ” 

Becoz  it  lets  Johnson  and  me  out.  When  Arnold  went 
back  on  his  countrymen,  his  countrymen  forgot  Joodis  Iskariot ; 
when  Aaron  Burr  ariz,  they  to-wunst  forgot  Arnold  ; Pierce 
drove  Burr  out  uv  the  public  mind,  Bookanan  made  em  forget 
Pierce,  Johnson  made  em  forget  Bookanan,  and  now  Chase  will 
make  em  forget  Johnson  and  me.  That’s  what  I wuz  didvin  at. 
Under  the  storm  I shell  leeve  for  my  quiet  Wisconsin  home 
and  live  in  peece,  for  beside  these  latter  cusses  I shel  loom  up 
into  comparative  respectability.  Good  nite.  All  is  well.” 

At  a late  hour  I retired  to  my  virchus  couch,  and  fallin  into 
the  deep  sleep  wich  only  visits  the  pillers  uv  them  whose  con- 
shences  ain’t  bothered  much,  uv  whom  I am  wich,  ez  my  con- 
shence  sheds  convickshen  uv  wrath  to  come  ez  a duck  does 
spring  rain,  I dreemed  a most  curis  dreem. 

Me  thaw  t the  Presidenshel  course  wuz  reely  and  trooly  a 
race  course,  and  the  candidates  hed  to  run  that  course,  the 
-winner  uv-the  race  to  be  glorified.  At  one  end  uv  the  track 
wuz  a weighin  stand  and  at  the  other  the  winner’s  post,  which 
wuz  the  White  House.  The  runners  wuz  to  carry  the  candi- 
dates for  Vice  President,  and  sich  other  weights  ez  their  backers 
shood  put  onto  em. 

The  Kepublicans  hed  Grant  on  the  ground,  promptly  and 
ready  for  the  race.  He  come  up  splendid.  He  wuzn’t  so 
mighty  immense,  but  he  wuz  clean-limbed,  decently  developt  all 
over,  and  showed  first-rate  in  the  back  and  loins.  Colfax 
vaulted  onto  his  shoulders,  and  he  wuz  ready. 

Our  people  hed  some  difficulty  in  selectin  a man  to  run  agin 
him.  Finally  Chase  wuz  selected  to  run,  and  he  wuz  brot  to 
the  weighin  stand.  To  the  naked  eye  he  wuz  a splendid 
specimen,  and  he  come  up  to  the  stand  so  galliant,  that  notwitli- 


532 


STRIPPING  THE  RACERS. 


standin  he  carried  in  his  hand  a silver  pitcher  wich  tlie  niggers 
uv  Cincinnati  give  him  for  defendin  a fugitive  from  Kentucky, 
our  people  cheered  him  vociferous.  Tall,  strong,  and  muscular- 
lookin,  in  good  flesh,  deep-chested,  broad-shouldered,  strong-' 
backt,  he  wuz  ez  perfect  a specimen  ez  I ever  beheld,  and  all 
felt  confident  that  he  wood  hev  no  trouble  in  beatin  his  oppo- 
nent out  uv  site. 

At  this  pint  Vallandygum,  Peerse,  Yorhees,  Morrissey,  and 
Wood,  who  bed  charge  uv  our  arrangements,  took  him  in  hand. 

We  must  prepare  our  man,”  sed  they. 

Take  orf  this  Ablishn  coat,”  sed  Voorhees. 

And  this  imparshel  suffrage  vest,”  sed  Morrissey;  ^‘the 
nigger  heznT  the  moral  qualificashens  for  the  ballot.”  • 

And  this  free  soil  shirt,”  sed  Wood. 

An(J  that  anti-fugitive  slave  law  wig,”  sed  Yoorhees. 

And  them  ekal  justice  shoulder-braces,”  sed  Peerse. 

And  them  humanitarian  pants,”  shreeked  Wood. 

We  can’t  abide  none  uv  these  things,”  yelled  the  crowd. 
“ Peel ! All  uv  these  yoo  got  from  the  Ablishnists,  free-soilers, 
and  Kepublicans.  We’ll  none  uv  em.” 

The  silver  pitcher  he  carried  in  his  hand  they  trampled  into 
the  mud,  and  one  by  one  the  obnoxious  garments  wuz  pulled 
off  from  him.  Heavens  ! wat  a change  ! Ez  they  wuz  removed 
he  shrunk.  When  the  coat  wuz  taken  off  he  wuzn’t  so  broad 
and  massive ; when  the  vest  wuz  gone  he  wuz  positively  flat- 
chested ; when  the  shoulder-braces  wuz  removed  he  became 
hump-backed ; and  when  the  pants  wuz  snaked  off  he  stood 
afore  us.  the  merest  skeleton  I ever  beheld  — a weak,  shaky, 
wifeezin  skeleton.  Our  folks  looked  disappointed,  but  it  wuz 
too  late  to  change.  A loose  two-sided  wrapper  wuz  thrown 
over  him.  Gov.  English  climbed  onto  his  shoulders,  Yallan- 
dygum  jumped  into  one  pocket  and  Fernandy  Wood  into  the 
other,  the  brass  band  tooted,  the  crowd  yelled,  he  made  one 
convulsiv  start,  but  in  vain.  The  stiffnin  wuz  all  out  uv  him. 
His  poor,  weak  knees  gave  way,  his  back  doubled  up,  and  he 
came  to  the  ground,  every  bone  in  him  rattlin  ez  he  fell,  while 
Grant  made  the  race  serenely. 

My  God,”  sed  Morrissey,  lookin  at  the  poor  wreck,  what 
he  got  from  the  Ablishnists  wuz  all  ther  wuz  uv  him,  after  all ! ” 


THE  CHICAGO  CONVENTION.  . 533 

At  this  pint  I awoke,  and  wnz  saddened.  There’s  where  our 
trouble  lies.  We  hev  to  strip  these  fellows,  when  they  come 
to  us,  uv  all  that  gives  em  any  strength.  Chase,  without  his 
Ablishnism,  can’t  get  a Ablishen  vote,  and  the  Democracy  will 
vote  for  their  own  men  in  preference.  Names  ain’t  worth  a 
d — n any  more,  and  men  without  principles  ain’t  uv  the  slightest 
account.  And  that’s  what’s  the  matter  with  Democracy. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wicb  is  Postmaster). 


CLXV. 

THE  CHICAGO  CONVENTION.  — MR.  NASBY  GETS 
ON  A HEAVY  DISGUST. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  ^ 
(wicli  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 
May  24,  1868.  ) 

I wuz  at  Chicago  one  day.  My  ears  wuz  stunned  with  ’rors 
for  Grant ; the  bands  wuz  all  playin  the  Star  Spangled  Banner 
and  sich,  and  even  the  street  organ  grinders  hed  attooned  their 
lyres  to  the  same  Ablishun  melodies. 

On  my  arrival  I askt  a vishus  boy  (wich  I knowd  wuz  Dime- 
kratic,  from  the  fact  that  his  little  shirt  wood  hev  hung  out  uv 
his  little  pants  ef  he’d  hed  any  shirt),  ef  he  cood  show  me 
where  the  Ablishun  Convenshun  wuz  a holdin  itself. 

“ Certinly  I kin,”  sed  he.  It’s  in  that  yer  bildin,”  pintin 
to  a ruther  gorgus  edifice  with  a steeple  to  it. 

I entered  it,  and  wuz  surprised  at  the  fewness  uv  the  dele- 
gates on  the  floor,  and  at  ther  pecoolyer  appearance.  They 
didn’t  look  like  delegates  to  any  Convenshun  I hed  ever  at- 
tended. Ther  noses  wuzn’t  uv  the  color  I hed  ben  accustomed 
•to.  They  wuz  all  solemn  lookin  chaps,  with  gold  spectacles, 
black  coats,  high  foreheds,  and  white  neckerchers. 

At  this  pint  I turned  to  a man  sittin  beside  me,  and  in  an 
undertone  askt  wich  wnz  ahed  on  the  last  ballot,  Colfax  or 
W ade  ? 


534 


IN  THE  WRONG  PEW. 


Sir/’  sed  he,  are  yoo  a Johnson  postmaster  ? ” 

“ I am,”  sed  I,  defiantly.  How  didst  determine  that  pint  ? ” 
“ By  yoor  bjeath,”  sed  he.  ‘‘  Yoor  mistaken  in  the  place, 
my  friend.  This  is  a Methodist  Conference.” 

That  wicked  and  perverse  boy  hed  intenshnelly  deceeved  me. 
Unable  to  obtane  admission  into  the  Opera  House,  I whiled 
away  the  rosy  hours  a visitin  the  delegashen  rooms.  The  Inge- 
any  delegashen  offered  me  water  when  I intimated  I wuz 
athirst.  The  Ohio  delegashen  knew  me  on  site  and  rekested 
me  to  dust,  and  the  Californy  delegashen,  uv  wich  I expected 
better  things,  hed  the  impudence  to  offer  me  wine  ! Wine  ! 
Wine  ! to  feed  sich  a nose  ez  I carry  about.  Wine  to  satisfy 
the  cravins  uv  sich  a stumick  ez  mine  ! Faugh!  Disgusted 
at  the  thinness  uv  the  beverages,  I retired  into  a friendly  hos- 
telry kept  by  Dennis  O’Shaughnessey,  and  at  his  hospitable 
bar,  solaced  myself  with  three  fingers  uv  Kentucky  sus- 
tenance. 

There  wuz  no  enthoosiasm  among  the  citizens  uv  Chicago 
wich  I naterally  fell  among.  The  s’loon  keepers,  wich  in  re- 
membrance uv  the  Demokratic  Convenshun  uv  1864  had  made 
extra  preparashuns,  wuz  gloomy,  sad,  and  disappointed.  These 
places,  garnisht  for  the  occasion,  wuz  sad  and  lonely.  There 
wuz  an  entire  absence  uv  that  gentle  gurgle  wich  to  me  is  so 
pleasin  ; there  wuz  none  uv  the  generous  noses  and  faces 
lighted  up  Avith  the  radiance  born  uv  the  barl,  wich  I am  so 
accustomed  to. 

It’s  the  last  Republican  convenshen  I shel  ever  attend.  The 
idea  uv  a confrence  sittin  in  the  same  city  with  a convenshen  ! 
The  idea  uv  minglin  politics  Avith  religion  ! Will  there  be 
confluences  in  Noo  York  in  Jooly  ? 

On  my  return,  we  avuz  a settin  in  Bascom’s  a discussin 
the  nominashens.  Deekin  Pogram  avuz  indignant.  “ Good 
Heavens  ! ” said  he,  Avith  horror  in  his  sainted  face,  kin  it  be 
that  men  perfessin  nashnel  \ueAvs  Avood  offer  sich  a insult  to 
Kentucky  ez  to  nominate  sich  a man  ez.  Grant,  Avho,  SAVord  in 
hand,  devastated  her  fertile  fields,  and  piled  the  bodies  of  Ijer 
nootral  sons  Avho  resisted  his  advance  mountains  high?  Kin 
it  be  that  — ” 

Easy,  Deekin,”  replied  I ; stiddy  ! stiddy  ! Don’t  take  a 


A JUDICIOUS  PAUSE. 


535 


posishen  rashly.  It  ain’t  improbable  that  we  may  hev  to  nomi- 
nate Hancock,  or  some  other  soljer.  In  that  event- — but  I’ve 
sed  enuff.” 

Well,  at  all  evence,”  sed  the  Deekin,  it’s  a most  hoomiliatin 
thing  to  hev  thrown  in  our  faces  a infamous  proposishen  to 
pay  a debt  inkurred  in  a infamous  attempt  to  subjoogate  us  — 
to  pledge  our  labor  to  pay  a debt  unconstitooshnally  inkurred, 
and  un  — ” 

Deekin,”  sed  I,  yoor  zeel  I do  admire,  but  yoor  reely 
indiscreet.  It  may  be  found  necessary  in  order  to  carry  Noo 
York  to  nominate  Belmont’s  man,  who  will  be  pledged  to  this 
very  thing.  Go  a little  slow.” 

Well,  however  that  may  be,  it’s  a burnin  shame  to  throw 
into  Kentucky’s  face  a Abolishnist  — two  uv  em  in  fact  — 
and  — ” 

“ Deekin  ” (I  spoke  this  time  severely),  yoor  very  indiscreet 
to-day.  It’s  possible,  and  I may  say  probable,  that  that  noble 
patriot,  Cheef  Justice  Chase,  who  hez  bin  a friteful  Ablishnist, 
and  who,  ef  he  runs,  will,  for  obvius  reasons,  make  us  swaller 
at  the  beginnin  a porshen  uv  his  heresies,  may  be  our  candi- 
date. Say  nothin,  Deekin,  that  yoo’l  hev  to  take  back.” 

Feelin  that  rite  here  wuz  a splendid  chance  for  an  improvin 
discourse  on  the  nacher,  objicks,  and  aims  uv  Democracy,  I 
opened  out  onto  em. 

“ Dimocrisy,”  I remarkt,  is  distinguished  cheefly  for  its 
elasticity  in  adaptin  means  to  ends.  One  wood  suppose  that 
PostofSs  is  its  cheef  end.  In  one  sense  it  is.  Dimocrisy  is 
willin  to  sacrifice  anything  wich  it  hez  for  Postoffis.  It  mite 
raise  Deekin  Pogram’s  ire  to  sejest  the  nominashen  uv  Han- 
cock, on  akkount  uv  his  slawterins,  or  Belmont’s  candidate  on 
akkount  uv  his  insistin  on  payin  off  the  Nashnel  debt,  or  Chase, 
who  hez  bin  in  his  day  suspected  uv  bein  tainted  with  Ablish- 
inism.  But,  my  brethring,  let  it  be  remembered  that  success  is 
the  main  objick.  Success  is  wat  Bascom  wants,  that  I,  bein 
continyood  in  offis,  may  hev  the  means  to  pay  for  the  likker  I 
consoom,  and  to  avoid  the  necessity  uv  bein  continyooally 
rekested  to  chalk  it  down,  which  practis  he  esteems  disgustin, 
and  one  wich  greatly  increases  his  labors.  Captain  McPelter 
wants  success,  that  he  may  continyoo  to  hev  Assessors,  Col- 


536 


THE  GREAT  IDEA. 


lectors  and  Revenoo  offisers  with  wich  he  kin  divide  the  profits 
uv  the  $2.00  tax  on  the  whisky  he  makes,  and  Deekin  Pogram 
wants  success  that  he  may  hev  his  niggers  agin,  or  at  least 
that  he  may  hev  the  privilege  uv  hirin  em  for  $4  per  month, 
deductin  25  cents  per  day  for  each  day’s  absense,  without  no 
Burow  offiser  or  other  military  satrap  hangin  about  to  molest 
or  make  afraid.  Success  is  the  main  pint,  and  ef  Hancock  is 
the  way,  walk  ye  in  it ; ef  Chase  or  Seymour  is  the  way,  walk 
ye  ditto,  for  with  either  uv  these  men  all  these  things  we’ll 
hev.  When  they  come  to  us  they  leeve  ther  former  selves 
behind. 

But  methinks  I hear  one  say,  Hancock  is  a soljer,  Seymour 
a anti-repudiator,  and  Chase  a Ablishnist ! Wat  uv  that? 
They  may  be  wat  they  like  when  they  go  into  offis,- — assosi- 
ashen  with  us  fetches  em  sooner  or  later.  The  road  down  is  a 
easy  one  to  travel.  It’s  easier  to  slide  than  to  climb,  wich  is 
the  reason  why  so  many  more  are  damned  than  saved.  De- 
mocracy, like  Bascom’s  new  likker,  holds  a man  when  it  gits 
him.  Johnson  wuz  a good  enuff  Ablishnist  till  he  called  onto 
us  for  help,  and  then  he  wuz  lost.  Let  Chase  stay  with  us  a 
week  and  he’d  forgit  all  his  old  ideas,  yoo  bet.  Shood  yoo 
poke  that  silver  pitcher  at  him  the  niggers  give  him  at  Cincin- 
nati, for  defendin  a fugitive,  and  he’d  swear  like  Peter  he  never 
saw  it  — only  dilferin  from  Peter  in  that  he’d  stick  to  it.  And 
there  is  no  goin  back,  for  the  principal  ones.  Ther  remorse 
kind  o’  drives  em  deeper  and  deeper,  till  they  finally  are  worse 
than  ez  tho  they  originally  wuz  uv  us.  Let  us,  my  brethren, 
never  reject  any  help  we  kin  git.  Let  it  come  in  any  shape 
and  from  any  source,  it’ll  finally  assimilate  to  us  and  be  uv  us. 

Ez  I conclooded  my  remarks,  my  circle  all  agreed  that  it  wuz 
safe  to  take  whatever  we  cood  git  from  the  enemy,  and  we 
retired,  I feelin  that  wdiatever  other  localities  mite  do,  the 
Corners  wuz  safe.  Wat  an  outrage  it  is,  though,  that  the  Ab- 
lishnists  nominated  sich  a man  for  Vice-President  ez  to  make 
Grant  perfectly  safe  from  bein  removed  ez  Linkin  wuz.  Ef 
he’s  elected  he’ll  serve  out  his  time  sure. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


A PROPER  Js^OMINEE. 


537 


CLXVI. 

THE  DEMOCRATIC  CANDIDATE  FOR  THE 
PRESIDENCY. 

Post  Orris,  CoxrEDRiT  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 

June  1,  1868. 

The  matter  uv  a Presidensbl  candidate  hez  cpprest  me,  and 
hez  also  exercised  the  gigantic  intellex  who  congregate  at  the 
Corners.  We  hev  desided  that  Cheef  Justis  Chase  won’t  do. 
We  kin  support  him  cheerfully,  for  his  method  uv  conduktin 
the  impeachment  trial  hez  satisfied  us  uv  his  hankerin  for  a 
standin  in  our  party.  Besides  this,  havin  made  a start,  we  con- 
sider him  safe  anyhow.  The  man  wich  kin  take  a nominashen 
at  our  hands,  or  identify  hisself  with  us,  may  alluz  be  countid 
onto.  The  Ablishnists  never  forgive  sich,  and  ther  ain’t  no 
other  place  to  go.  When  Johnson  and  Doolittle  and  that 
crowd  left  the  Ablishnists,  I knew  where  they  would  land 
better  than  they  did.  Facilis  descensus  averni,  wich  bein 
translated  into  the  vulgar  tongue,  means,  the  road  to  hell  is 
macadamized.  Hancock  won’t  do,  becoz  our  Southern  breth- 
ren hev  a prejoodis  agin  the  flag  he  drawd  his  sword  under. 
Pendleton  wood  anser  the  West,  but  the  East  is  opposed  to 
him.  I therefore,  after  givin  the  matter  matoor  considerashen, 
hev  desided  to  propose  for  the  posishen  the  name  uv  Jethro 
L.  Kippins,  uv  Alexander  county,  Illinoy. 

I hev  the  follerin  reasons  for  insistin  on  his  nominashen : — 

1.  He’s  geographically  level.  By  lookin  on  the  map,  it  will 
be  seen  that  that  county  in  Illinoy  is  the  extreme  south-west- 
erly part  uv  the  State.  It  is  a Northern  county  with  South- 
ern ideas.  Across  the  river  is  Kentucky,  west  is  south-east- 
ern Missoury,  and  east  is  lower  Injeany.  They  grow  tobacco 
there,  and  yearn  after  slave  labor  ez  intensly  ez  we  do  across 
the  river. 

2.  Nobody  knows  him.  The  name  uv  Jethro  L.  Kippins, 
hez  never  filled  the  soundin  trump  uv  fame.  With  him  on  our 
tikkit  several  pints  wood  be  gained.  On  all  the  questions  on 


538 


JETHRO  L.  KIPPENS. 


wich  there  is  a doubt  in  the  minds  uv  the  Democracy,  Jethro 
L.  Kippens  is  uncommitted.  He  is  unembarrassed  with  views, 
and  on  troublesome  questions  hez  nary  an  opinyun.  The 
trouble  Pendleton  hez  with  the  greenbax  wood  not  affect  him, 
neither  wood  any  uv  them  other  questions  wich  are  ruther 
embarrassin  than  otherwise.  He  hez  but  one  political  princi- 
ple, wich  he  holds  is  enuff  for  anyone  man,  and  that  is  Democ- 
racy, ez  it  hez  bin,  ez  it  is,  and  ez  it  may  be.  He  beleeves 
firmly  in  the  cuss  uv  Canaan,  he  holds  close  to  Onesimus  and 
Hagar,  and  hez  sworn  a solemn  oath  that  no  nigger  shel  ever 
marry  a daughter  uv  hizzen.  This  noble  sentiment,  wich  alluz 
strikes  a responsive  cord  in  every  buzzum,  wood  be  emblazoned 
on  the  Kippins  banner. 

3.  Jethro  L.  Kippinses  posishen  on  the  war  question  is  happy. 
He  opposed  all  the  steps  wich  led  to  it,  and  when  it  finally 
broke  out,  he  proposed  the  only  troo  Demokratic  way  uv  stoppin 
it.  It  wuz  his  opinyun  that  we  hed  no  rite  to  coerce  the  South 
— that  there  wuz  no  warrant  in  the  Constitooshen  for  any  sich 
perceedin.  Ef  Boregard  fires  onto  Major  Anderson,’’  sed  he, 

let  Major  Anderson  go  afore  the  nearest  Justice  uv  the  Peece 
and  hev  him  bound  over  to  keep  the  peece,  and  ef  the  Justis 
can’t  enforce  his  warrant,  why  that  ends  it.  We  can’t  go 
beyond  the  Constitooshn.”  After  hostilities  actooally  begun, 
his  posishen  wuz  eminently  satisfactory  to  both  sides.  He  wuz 
in  favor  uv  the  war,  but  opposed  to  its  prosecooshen.  He  re- 
markt  that  the  South  hed  committed  a indiscreshen,  but  were 
he  in  Congris  he  shoodn’t  vote  for  nary  man  nor  dollar  for 
carryin  on  a war  agin  em.  His  two  sons  served  in  the  war, 
one  in  the  Confedrit  servis  and  one  in  the  Fedral  — both  ez 
sutlers.  The  war  bore  heavy  on  him  — he  made  great  sacri- 
fices. Three  other  sons  he  supported  in  Canada  doorin  the 
continyooance  uv  the  unnachrel  strife. 

4.  Jethro  L.  Kippins  hez  all  the  elements  uv  popularity.  He 
wuz  born  in  a log  cabin  ; he  studied  Daboll’s  Arithmetic  by  the 
lite  uv  a pine  knot,  held  for  the  purpose  by  his  mother ; he 
drove  boss  on  the  canal,  wuz  a salt  boiler  in  Southern  Ohio,  a 
wagon  boy  on  the  Naslinel  Poad,  wuz  left  an  orphan  when  six 
weeks  old,  swept  a store  in  his  early  yooth,  went  down  the 


m§>  QUALIFICATION. 


539 


Mississippi  on  a flat  boat,  wuz  in  the  Mexikin  war,  and  hez  a 
consoomin  pasben  for  horses.  He  hez,  in  this,  the  advantage 
of  Grant,  ez  his  pashen  wuz  so  consoomin  that  it  got  him  into 
a temporary  difficulty,  wich  required  12  men,  a Judge,  and 
two  lawyers  to  settle,  one  uv  the  lawyers  bein  the  State’s 
Attorney  uv  the  county.  These  facts  in  his  biography  I got 
from  his  own  lips.  Ef  there’s  any  discrepancies,  uv  course 
the  committee  on  biography  will  reconcile  em.  It  may  be  that 
he  may  hev  done  too  much  — wich  is  to  say,  ef  all  he  sez  is 
troo,  he  wood  be  two  or  three  hundred  years  old.  Ef  so,  it 
will  hev  to  be  pared  down.  He  hez  bin  justis  uv  the  peece 
ten  years  in  his  native  township,  wich  gives  him  a splendid 
knowledge  uv  constooshnel  law. 

5.  He’s  trooly  nashnel  in  his  views.  He  knows  no  North, 
no  South,  no  East,  no  West,  no  nothin.  That  last  qualificashen 
mite  prejudis  some  agin  him,  but  to  me  its  his  chief  holt.  For 
with  sich  a man  in  the  Presidenshel  chair  I wood  be  safe.  We 
hev  an  abundance  uv  sich  men  ez  Wood,  Seymour,  Yallan- 
dygum,  et  settry,  who  kin  manage  a President,  but  who  are 
too  odorous  to  be  electid  very  much  to  that  posishen  them- 
selves. Therefore,  it’s  necessary  that  precisely  sich  a man  ez 
I hev  described  be  electid ; and  the  fact  that  Chase  knows  too 
much,  is  the  objection  I hev  to  him.  Polk  wuz  manageable, 
Pierce  eminently  so,  and  poor  old  Bookannon  was  wonderfully 
pliable. 

Sich  is  the  candidate  wich  I present.  There  are  many  pints 
in  his  favor.  Our  people  wood  to-wunst  exclaim,  Who’n 
thunder  is  Kippins?”  and  before  they  cood  find  out,  the  day 
uv  election  wood  be  on  em,  and  they’d  vote  him.  His  hevin 
no  record  is  also  in  his  favor.  Wat  wood  Pendleton,  Yallan- 
dygiim,  Seymour,  and  Wood  give  ef  they  hed  no  record?  A 
record  is  like  a tin  kittle  to  a dog’s  tale  — it’s  a noisy  appen- 
dage, wich  makes  the  dog  conspicuous,  and  invites  everybody 
to  shy  a brick  at  him. 

I he  vent  menshund  in  this,  nor  shel  I,  who  would  be  a 
proper  man  for  the  seckund  place  on  the  ticket.  I hev  my 
opinion;  Kentucky  is  deservin  uv  recognishun  — that’s  all  I 
shel  say.  The  modesty  wich  is  characteristic  uv  me  prevents 


540 


ON  THE  WAY  TO  NEW  YORK. 


me  from  segestin  the  partickeler  citizen  nv  Kentucky  who 
ought  to  be  thus  honored.  We  shal  see  whether  or  not  repub- 
lics is  ongrateful. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

P.  S.  The  fact  that  Jethro  L.  Kippins  holds  my  note  for 
$18.63,  with  interest  for  two  yeers,  hez  no  inflooence  in  my 
segestin  his  name.  I am  inflooenced  by  no  mercenary  con- 
siderashuns. 

CLXVII. 

MR.  NASBY  A DELEGATE  TO  NEW  YORK. 

New  York  (at  a cheep  boardin  7 
house),  July  the  4,  18G8.  \ 

Ef  I hed  knowd  just  wat  I hed  to  go  thro  with,  I never 
wood  figgered  for  the  posishen  I now  okkepy.  Hed  I knowd 
the  troubles  wich  was  to  beset  me,  the  Corners  mite  hev  gone 
onrepresented,  and  the  Democrisy  mite  hev  nominatid  a candi- 
kate  without  my  help.  I am  at  a cheep  boardin  house,  wich  is 
salubrusly  sitooated  on  an  alley,  the  landlady  bein  one  uv  the 
ansbent  Kings  uv  Ireland,  wich  her  name  is  O’Shaughnessy. 
I coodeut  get  rooms  at  the  Aster,  nor  the  St.  Nicholas,  ez  I 
coodent  git  a clerk  to  look  at  me.  And  that  insult  mite  be 
added  to  injoory,  the  unfeelin  woman  who  presides  over  the 
manshen  I inhabit,  peremptorily  refoozed  to  reseeve  me  ontil  I 
paid  in  advance.  I tried  sevral  places,  but  ez  I hedn't  no 
baggage,  the  pervailin  opinyun  seemed  to  be  that  advance 
payment  wood  be  better,  and  I wuz  forst  to  return  to  her. 

My  advenchers  on  the  route  were  noomerous,  if  not 
pleasant. 

At  some  pint  in  Ingiany,  wher  we  changed  cars,  I found  the 
trane  we  hed  to  take  full  uv  delegates.  In  lookin  around  for  a 
seet,  I di skivered  but  one  that  hadn’t  two  in  it,  and  that  one 
hed  in  it  a disgustin  nigger,  avIio  hed  the  impoodence  to  be 


541 


ASSAULTS  A NIGGER. 

well  drest,  and  hed  a carpet  sack  beside  him.  My  Demokratic 
blood  riz  to-wmist.  Feelin  that  in  a car  filled  with  Demokratic 
delegates,  anything  I shood  do  to  a nigger  wood  be  safe,  I 
stawkt  proudly  up  to  him,  holdin  my  nose. 

Good  Lord  ! ’’  sed  I,  wat  a smell. 

“ Good  Lord  ! ” ekoed  the  delegates  wich  got  on  at  that 
stashen,  wat  a terrible  smell.’^ 

My  gentle  Afrikin  frend,’’  sed  I,  seezin  him  by  the  collar, 
I regret  the  necessity  uv  sayiri  disagreeable  things,  but  yoor 
impudence  in  gittin  into  a car  uv  white  gpntlemen,  with  the 
disgustin  odor  inseparable  from  the  Afrikin  race,  is  too  much. 
And  more  especially  do  I wonder  at  yoor  keepin  yoor  seet, 
while  I and  other  white  gentlemen  are  standin.” 

Out  with  the  nigger  ! ’’  yelled  the  lately  arrived  delegates ; 
hustle  the  stinkin  cuss.’’ 

Merciful  Hevens,  wat  a smell ! ” sung  out  others  uv  em. 
Hist  him  ! ” ‘‘  Hist  him  ! ” 

Seein  myself  thus  backed,  and  feelin  that  a little  zeal  wood 
be  safe,  ez  niggers  can’t  vote,  I knockt  his  hat  out  uv  the 
winder,  and  follered  up  that  demonstrashen  with  a serious 
attempt  at  liftin  him  out  uv  the  seat.  I wood  hev  succeeded, 
but  the  nigger  resisted  vigorously,  to-wit : he  knockt  three  uv 
my  front  teeth  down  my  throte,  pulled  out  wat  little  there  wuz 
left  uv  the  hare  that  hangs  in  scanty  festoons  about  my  venrable 
temples,  and  blackt  both  my  eyes.  1 wuz  lyin  on  my  back  in 
the  passage,  some  wat  astonished,  the  nigger  a standin  over 
me,  with  his  boot  heel  over  my  face,  when  some  gentlemen 
came  in  from  another  car  and  restrained  him.  Mr.  Williams,” 
sed  they,  let  him  up.  He’s  poor  white  trash,  and  not  worth 
wastin  yoor  indignashen  onto.  Let  him  up,  Mr.  Williams,  let 
him  up.” 

Sirs,”  sed  I,  risin  to  my  feet,  tremulous  with  rage,  “ is  this 
the  treatment  I am  to  expect  all  the  Avay  to  Noo  York  ? Am  I 
to  be  pounded  to  jelly  by  a nigger,  — a stinkin  nigger,  sirs, 
whose  odor  even  now  makes  the  car  ontenable  to  gentlemen 
uv  refined  sensibilities,  — and  to  heer  the  nigger  addresst  ez 
Mister  ” after  that,  instid  uv  bein  tored  to  pieces  by  the 
infuriated  spectators  ! 0 shame,  where  is  thy  blush  ? ” 

“You  mizable  cuss,”  sed  one  uv  these  gentlemen,  “apolo- 


542 


AND  DISCOVERS  THAT  HE  IS  A DELEGATE. 


gise  to-wunst  to  this  gentleman  for  yoor  insnltin  roodnis^  or 
we’ll  chuck  yoo  out  uv  the  cars.  Apologize,  sir,  to  Mr.  Josef 
Williams,  Delegate  at  Large  for  the  State  uv  Tennessee!  ” 

I almost  fainted.  This  nigger,  then,  wuz  a delegate  ! He 
wuz  a regler  delegate,  armed  and  equipped  with  regler  cre- 
denshels  to  a Demokratic  Convenshen,  and  I hed  been  guilty, 
in  my  zeel,  uv  assaultin  uv  him ! Gladly  I apologyzed,  and 
further,  I humbly  begged  permission  to  sit  beside  him ; wich 
he  accordid  with  a graciousnis  I never  saw  ekalled. 

It  wuz  astoniship  the  change  that  crept  over  the  Injeany 
delegates.  They  crowded  around  us,  and  shook  him  by  the 
hand ; they  didn’t  smell  any  odor  at  all  any  mora ; on  the 
contrary,  they  seemed  to  like  him.  They  addrest  him  ez 
Mister,”  and  sevral  uv  em,  introdoocin  him  to  ther  friends 
who  got  on  at  various  stashens,  yoosed  the  prefix  Honorable.” 
It’s  wonderful  wat  a difference  it  makes  with  a nigger  to  have 
a vote,  and  also  how  he  votes  ! Hed  that  Williams  bin  infected 
with  Ablishinnism,  I make  no  doubt  that  the  stench  wich  I 
reely  fancied  I smelt  when  I fust  undertook  to  subjoogate  him, 
wood  hev  continyood  to  the  end  uv  the  trip.  In  olden  times  it 
wuz  observed  that  slave  niggers  didn’t  smell — it  wuz  only  the 
free  ones.  It  is  a settled  fact  now  that  Demokratic  niggers  are 
inodorous  ! I mite  hev  known,  however,  that  the  nigger  wuz 
a free  nigger,  by  the  way  he  pitched  into  me.  No  nigger  in  a 
state  uv  servitood  wood  ever  hev  did  sich  a thing.  That  much 
they  owe  to  the  war,  anyhow. 

My  principal  object  in  goin  to  Noo  York  wuz  to  do  wat  I 
cood  toward  secoorin  the  nominashen  of  Jethro  L.  Kippins.  I 
found  the  delegates  badly  tore  up.  The  offers  made  for  votes 
wuz  so  rediculously  low  that  there  wuz  much  disgust  man- 
ifested. The  trouble  wuz,  that  the  markit  wuz  over-stockt. 
Hed  the  Convenshen  bin  pretty  ekally  divided,  and  the  balance 
uv  power  held  by  a few  dost  mouthed  souls,  they  cood  hev 
made  a good  thing  of  it.  But  where  a whole  Convenshen  is 
in  the  markit,  and  all  ther  inflooenshel  friends,  no  candidate  can 
afford  to  bll3^  I withdrew  Mr.  Kippens  to-wunst,  for  he  hez 
but  a small  farm,  and  that  mortgaged  to  a grocery  keeper. 

I wuz  on  the  Committee  on  Resolooshens,  or  ru'ther  wuz  in 
the  room  ez  a sort  uv  advisory  committee  while  the  resoloo- 


THE  RESOLUTIONS. 


543 


shens  wuz  bein  draftid.  General  Forrest,  nv  Tennessee,  wuz 
partiklerly  anxshus  that  a resolooslien  sliood  be  adoptid  de- 
nouncin  the  Radicals,  who  wuz,  with  unholy  hands,  a strivin 
to  destroy  the  best  government  the  sun  ever  shone  upon,  and 
one  the  destruction  uv  wich  wood  be  a calamity  wich  unborn 
millions  wood  shed  teers  over.  He  desired  a resolooslien 
pledgin  the  Dimocrisy  to  stand  by  the  old  Stars  and  Stripes, 
wich  flag  lied  braved  a thousand  breezes,  and  wuz  synonomous, 
et  settry.  Mr.  Woolley,  Mr.  Cobb  (Mrs.  Cobb’s  husband),  and 
Perry  Fuller,  pertikelerly  desired  a resolooslien  demandin  the 
turnin  out  uv  office  uv  corrupt  men,  that  the  government  mite 
be  administered  with  suthin  like  the  purity  wich  distinguished 
it  doorin  the  administration  uv  the  late  lamented  Bookannon,at 
the  nienshen  uv  whose  name  every  delegate  present  held  a 
liankercher  to  his  eyes  for  five  consecutive  minitS',  ez  tho  a 
grate  greef  lied  fallen  onto  him. 

Cheef  Justis  Chase  wuz  espeshelly  anxyus  for  a resoloshun 
denounsin  in  the  severest  terms  them  onprincipled,  fanatikal 
Radikels,  who  for  years  lied  bin  laborin  to  subvert  the  govern- 
ment, by  interferin  with  the  persuns  and  property  uv  citizens, 
and  also  pledgin  the  Convenshen  to  that  wise  conservatism 
without  wich  ther  cood  be  no  permanance  in  our  government. 

I dropt  into  the  Soljers’  and  Sailers’  Convenshun,  but  I didn’t 
stay  long.  Them  whose  noses  wuzn’t  red,  wanted  to  be  either 
President  or  cabinet  orfisers ; and  uv  the  balance  uv  em, 
the  leastest  sed  the  better.  My  sole  indignated  ez  I saw 
seated  among  em  the  very  sutler  who  refoosed  me  credit  when 
I wmz  servin  ez  a drafted  man  in  1862  ; and  also  a claim  agent, 
who  got  $10  uv  me,  on  the  promis  uv  getin  my  bounty  ; which, 
when  he  got  it  he  absorbed  in  fees,  costs,  and  commissions. 
Ther  wuz,  uv  coorse,  some  troo  men.  Ther  wuz  soljers  ther 
wfich  resigned  early  in  the  war  on  akkount  uv  its  bein  a d — d 
Ablishin  war,  and  others  who  left  becoz  Linkin  wuzn’t  rapid 
enuff  in  makin  uv  Major  Generals.  Ther  wuz  no  limit  to  ther 
speekin.  Every  wuii  lied  the  speech  wich  he  delivered  at  the 
Cleveland  Convenshun  in  1866  carefully  preserved,  and  they 
all  insisted  on  deliverin  em,  wich  ez  I left  they  were  doin,  all 
to  themselves.  Ef  they  kin  stan  it  I am  willin.  We  are  agoin 
to  hev  a Soljers’  Convenshen  in  Richmond  to  ratify  the  nom- 


544 


DETERMINED  TO  BE  SUITED. 


inasliens,  wicli  will  amoimt  to  siithin.  We  shel  hev  Forrest 
there,  Boregard,  and  Breckenridge,  and  their  speeches  will 
count.  We  will  hev  the  flags  uv  the  two  governments  en- 
twined, and  we  will  hev  the  moosic  uv  both  seckshens  played. 
Sich  a Convenshen  will  amount  to  suthin. 

Wat  the  platform  will  be,  or  who  the  candidates  will  be,  the 
Lord  only  knows.  I am  prepared  for  anythin,  and  so  are  all 
the  delegates.  Ef  it’s  Pendleton,  on  a repoodiashen  platform, 
well  and  good  ; ef  its  Seymour,  on  a Nashenel  Bank  platform, 
jest  as  good.  I shood  be  happy  to  see  Breckinridge  the  choice 
uv  the  party,  and  delighted  ef  Hancock  shood  be  chosen.  I 
kin  hurrah  for  Chase,  and  with  ekal  vigger  kin  swing  my  hat 
for  Yallandygum,  and  I find  all  the  delegates  similerly  affected. 
The  Post  Office  is  the  lean  kine  wich  swallers  up  all  the  others. 
We  are  willin  to  sink  everythin  in  Post  Office.  That  my  sin- 
cerity may  not  be  doubted,  let  it  be  remembered  that  I have 
rid  with  a nigger  from  Ingeany  to  Noo  York ; hev  bin  whaled 
by  one,  and  hev  felt  good  over  it ; hev  bin  hurrahin  for  an  old 
line  Aboiishnist,  and  swearin  the  while  I liked  it.  Ef  any  other 
evidence  uv  flexibility  is  needed,  I feel  ekal  to  the  task.  Po- 
litically, I am  ekal  to  all  emergencies. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 

’ (wich  is  Postmaster). 

CLXVIII. 

A FUTILE  ATTEMPT  TO  BATIFY  THE  NOMINA- 
TIONS AT  THE  CORNERS. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  V 
July  31,  1868.  ) 

We  hed  last  nite  a ratification  meeting  at  the  Corners,  wich 
started  out  gloriously,  but  didn’t  end  so  happily  ez  it  mite.  I 

Probably  there  never  was  a more  unsatisfactory  ticket,  or  a more  contradic- 
tory one,  than  tliat  nominated  by  the  Democracy  in  1868,  and  the  platform  was 
quite  as  absurd  and  contradictory  as  the  ticket. 


SEYMOUR  AND  BLAIR. 


545 


hed  gone  to  a good  deal  nv  trouble  about  it,  and  bed  made  all 
arrangement  for  a feast  uv  reason  and  flow  uv  sole,  ekalled  by 
few  ratifications  and  surpassed  by  none. 

The  blessed  Deacon,  McPelter,  and  Issaker  Gavitt,  who  ex- 
pect respectively  to  hold  the  posishens  uv  Assessor,  Collector, 
and  Whiskey  Inspector  for  this  district,  come  down  handsomely 
with  the  funds,  enuff  to  enable  me  to  dekorate  the  post  offis 
with  flags  and  transparencies,  and  myself  with  a pare  uv  ready 
made  pants,  wich  I muddied  considerable  to  make  em  look  old, 
so  that  they  shood  not  suspect  ther  funds  hed  bin  applied  in 
tiiat  way.  Human  nacher  is  a inscrutable  mystery.  They 
wood  objeck  did  they  know  I hed  clothed  myself  with  ther 
money  instead  uv  wastin  it  on  taller  candles  and  sich,  wich 
burn  out  and  leave  nothin  behind. 

I wuz  economikle  in  my  expenditoors,  or  rather  little  expense 
was  nessary.  Desirin  to  wake  the  enthoosiasm  uv  the  Democ- 
risy,  I procoored  a parsel  uv  Confedrit  battle  flags,  wich  the 
returned  heroes  hed  brot  home  with  em,  and  hed  the  talismanic 
words,  “ Seymour  and  Blare,”  painted  across  em.  The  effeck 
wuz  gorgus  ! Ez  nite  approach!  I hed  the  transparencies, 
saved  over  from  a celebrashen  wich  hed  bin  held  after  Chicka- 
mauga,  lighted  up.  The  enthoosiasm,  ez  the  populace  saw 
these,  and  listened  to  Captin  McPelter,  ez  he  red  em  to  em, 
wuz  overpowerin.  How  they  cheered  ez  the  words  flasht  out 
into  the  nite,  “ Southern  Kites,  Southern  Men,  and  a Southern 
Government  I ” “ Death  to  Northern  Hirelins  ! ” Down  with 

the  gorilla  Linkin  ! ” “ Jeff  Davis  and*  the  Confedracy  for- 

ever ! ” No  quarter  to  Fedral  invaders  ! ” And  when  Bore- 
gard’s  black  flag,  onto  wich  “ Seymour  and  Blair  ” wuz  painted 
in  red  letters,  wuz  unfurled,  ther  arose  sich  cheers  for  the 
nominees  uv  the  Noo  York  Convenshun  ez  1 hed  never  heerd 
before,  nor  expect  to  again. 

At  this  time,  jist  ez  everythin  wuz  a gitin  red  hot,  the  trouble 
commenced.  Pennibacker,  wich  runs  our  biggest  and  best 
distillery,  jumped  onto  the  platform,  at  my  suggestion,  and  pro- 
posed three  cheers  for  Seymour  and  Greenbacks,  and  three 
groans  for  the  bloated  bondholders.  The  crowd,  with  troo 
Dimokratic  docility,  wuz  agoin  to  cheer,  when  Bascom,  who 
hez  some  5.20’s,  riz,  and  swore  that  he’d  be  d — d ef  that  shood 
35 


546 


TROUBLE. 


be.  “ Governor  Seymour  is  in  favor  of  payin  the  Nashnel 
indebtedness,  principal  and  interest,  in  gold.  Reed  his  spe’ech 
at  the  Cooper  Institoot.” 

. Is  he  ? Is  he  ? ’’  shoutid  Pennibacker,  springing  onto  the 
platform,  Is  he  ? Reed  the  platform  wich  he  accepts  ! ’’ 

Don’t  Belmont,  and  the  eastern  bankers,  support  him?” 
yelled  Bascom. 

Don’t  Vallandygum,  Pendleton,  and  dirty  shirt  Dean  sup- 
port him  ? ” yelled  Pennibacker. 

Yoor  doctrin,”  sed  Bascom,  excitedly,  is  a d — d swindle 
— a peace  uv  theevin,  wich  a Arab  wood  be  ashamed  uv,  and 
Seymour  sed  so.” 

“ Yoor  proposishen  is  a outrage  onto  opprest  people,  a 
grindin  uv  em  into  the  earth  under  the  heels  uv  bloated  aristo- 
crats and  pampered  sons  uv  luxury,  and  the  platform  Seymour 
stands  onto  says  so,”  shouted  Pennibacker. 

Yoor  a swindler  ! ” excitedly  yelled  Bascom ; whereupon 
they  clinched  and  rolled  orf  the  platform  titely  huggin,  and 
making  extraordinary  physikle  efforts  at  injoorin  each  other. 

To  direct  the  attenshun  uv  the  populis  from  this  untoward 
circumstance,  I rekested  Issaker  to  sing  out  three  cheers  for 
Blare  ! 

Three  cheers  for  Blare  ! ” sung  out  Issaker,  “ the  Missouri 
statesman,  who  will  rid  us  uv  Freedman’s  Burows  and  military 
rook” 

Three  cheers  for  Blare  ! ” yelled  Punt,  — a Ablishnist 
and  Linkin  hirelin,  wich  shot  my  unkle  in  Missoury,  and  burnt 
my  grandmother’s  house  near  Vixburg  ! ” 

He  ain’t  no  Ablishnist!”  exclaimed  Issaker;  “reed  his 
letters.” 

“ It’s  difficult  to  say  wat  he  is  to-day,  but  I’ll  swear  to  it  he 
wuz  three  years  ago  ; but  it  makes  no  difference.  I swore  four 
year  ago  to  lick  any  man  who  hurrahed  for  any  member  uv  the 
Blare  family.” 

And  this  infooriated  wretch  pounced  onto  Issaker,  and  they 
rolled  off  the  stand  to  join  Bascom  and  Pennibacker,  who 
hadn’t  settled  their  onpleasantnis  yet. 

Before  it  encled  Deekin  Pogram  and  Kernel  McPelter  got  to 
arguin  ez  to  the  propriety  uv  recognizin  niggers  in  the  ranks 


THE  TERRIBLE  ENDING. 


547 


iiv  the  party,  the  Deekin  takin  one  side  and  McPelter  the  other. 
The  passions  uv  these  estimable  gentlemen  wuz  rouzed  some- 
wat,  and  before  I cood  interfere  they  hed  each  other  by  the 
throte,  and  rolled  orf  onto  the  ground  beneath  the  platform.  I 
sprang  down  to  separate  em,  when  McPelter  turned  upon  me, 
and  wood  hev  sacrificed  me  on  the  spot,  but  the  Corners  rusht, 
ez  a man,  to  save  me.  Ez  I owe  the  most  uv  em,  I am  entirely 
safe  here,  and  ez  I shel  be  ontil  I pay  my  debts,  I shel  never 
die  uv  violence. 

At  this  pint  the  fite  became  general.  Some  uv  the  people 
sided  with  Bascom,  some  uv  em  with  Peimibacker  (akkordin 
ez  they  bought  whisky  by  the  barl  or  by  the  drink),  and  the 
balance  uv  ein  assisted  Bigler  and  Issaker  Gavitt,  ez  ther  incli- 
nashun  promptid  em.  In  the  melee  the  platform,  flag,  and 
transparencies  wuz  tore  down,  nearly  breakin  my  leg,  for  wich 
I wuz  insuffishently  remuneratid  by  the  handkerchers  I borrered 
from  the  prostrate  combatants,  under  cover  of  assistin  uv  em 
to  rise. 

After  the  scrimmage  wuz  over.  Pollock  and  Bigler  came, 
with  three  niggers,  into  Bascom’s,  where  we  wuz  repairin  dam- 
ages, wich  remarkt  that  they  hed  held  a meetin,  and  hed  passed 
resolooshens  thankin  the  Lord  devoutedly  for  havin  releeved 
the  Republikin  party  uv  the  Blare  family,  and  sympathizin  with 
the  Democrisy  wich  hed  reseeved  em  ; and  also  acknowledging 
the  obligashen  the  colored  men  uv  the  nashen  were  under  to 
the  Democrisy  for  the  handsome  manner  in  wich  they  hed 
treated  Joe  Williams,  the  Afrikin  delegate  to  the  Noo  York 
Convenshen,  ez  the  selectin  uv  a nigger  ez  a delegate,  and 
assosiatin  with  him  on  terms  uv  ekality,  wuz  a step  in  the^ 
direction  uv  yooniversal  Brotherhood,  wich  wuz  cheerin.  This 
insultin  message,  delivered  to  men  wich  wuz  a patchin  up  ther 
faces  and  washin  orf  the  blood  uv  a politikle  conflict,  wuz  the 
reverse  uv  soothin. 

The  ratificashun  wuzn’t  altogether  a success,  but  we  shel . 
try  it  agin  after  time  hez  softened  the  asperities  engendered 
by  the  recent  conflict,  and  the  candidates  hev  hed  time  to  fit 
theirselves  and  ther  records  to  the  platform.  The  Corners  kin 
be  counted  on. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


548 


THE  ELECTION  OF  GRANT. 


CLXIX. 

THE  PRESIDENTIAL  ELECTION. 

Post  Orris,  CoNrEDRiT  X Roads 

(wieh  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
November  5,  1868. 

Bad  news  travels  • fast.  We  hev  heerd  from  enuff  uv  the 
States  to  know  that  the  butcher  Grant  — he  wich  wunst  afore 
stood  in  the  way  uv  the  Confedracy  — hez  been  elected  Presi- 
dent, and  that  Seymore  and  Blare,  our  gellorious  standard- 
bearers,  hev  bin  defeeted  ignominously. 

This  ends  it ! This  finishes  it ! There  iz  no  longer  hope 
for  Democrisy.  Our  star  is  sot  in  gloom.  Never  shel  I forgit 
the  gastly  appearance  uv  Deekin  Pogram’s  face  ez  the  fatal 
nooze  wuz  told  him.  A single  tear  rolled  from  his  left  eye, 
down  his  furrowed  cheek ; it  glittered  for  a brief  moment  on 
the  tip  uv  his  brillyent  nose,  and  plunged  off  into  space  ! 
How  like  our  hopes  ! Never  a word  sed  he,  but  sadly  beckoned 
me  to  foller.  Sadly  he  walked  to  the  square,  mournfully  he 
pulled  down  the  Confedrit  flag  which  hez  waved  from  the  pole 
in  front  of  Bascom’s,  tenderly  he  folded  it,  and  placed  it  under 
the  barl  uv  whisky  in  the  bar.  Thar  let  it  rest,’^  gasped  he 
in  a husky  tone  ; “ it  will  never  kiss  the  breezes  no  more.’’ 
And  overcome  with  eraoshun,  the  good  old  man  busted  in  a 
flood  uv  tears,  wich  saved  his  life.  The  drain  uv  moisture 
from  his  system  made  it  necessary  for  him  to  take  suthin  to 
fill  its  plase,  and  that  suthin  wuz  strengthnin.  To  save  him  I 
.took  suthin  strengthnin  too. 

I won’t  say  a word  ez  to  the  causes  uv  this  most  terrible 
defeat.  Seymore  wood  make  speeches,  wich  hez  alluz  bin  fatle 
to  Presidenshul  aspirants,  and  Blare  wood  rite  terrible  letters, 
wich  is  just  ez  bad.  Besides,  Blare  fairly  represents  us,  wich 
druv  off  all  the  decent  people,  and  Seymore  riither  prides  his- 
self  on  bein  a gentleman,  wich  chilled  the  ardor  of  our  party. 
The  nominashuns  were  unforchnit,  but  I don’t  reproach  em. 
It's  fate. 

I hev  reason  to  sigh.  For  Pollock  will  git  the  Post  Offis 
after  all.  Tlio  liiz  hands  are  contaminated  by  bein  taken  into 


THE  .HARK  FUTURE. 


549 


the  hands  nv  niggers,  — his  hands  wich  handles  kaliker  and 
draws  molasses,  and  iz  consekently  degraded  by  earnin  his  own 
livin,  — his  bands  will  pass  out  to  Deekin  Pogram  the  paper 
wich  the  Corners  takes  ! The  Deekin,  ez  he  thot  uv  this,  bust 
into  teers  agin.  I shel  stop  that  paper,”  sez  he,  “ and  the 
Corners  shel  go  back  into  the  darkness  uv  ignorance.  I shell 
never  go  agin  for  a letter,  nor  will  I hev  one  written  for  me 
to  any  body.  When  a Ablishn  face  is  at  the  general  delivery 
1 shel  stop  paternizen  the  Post  Offis  ! ” 

Will  the  new  Administrashun  deprive  a whole  community 
uv  a paper  merely  to  give  one  uv  its  supporters  a posishun  ? 
We  shel  see. 

But  I cood  endoor  the  loss  uv  my  posishen  ; for  principle 
I kin  look  marterdom  squarely  in  the  face  ; but  I see  other 
and  more  terrible  results  followin  this  catastrophe. 

Wat  uv  the  niggers  ? Wat  uv  us.  We  shel  hev  niggers 
votin  at  the  Corners  ! We  stiel  hev,  at  our  poles,  all  uv  the 
black  cusses  who  live  between  here  and  GarreTstown,  a votin 
ez  regler  ez  though  they  wuz  white  men.  We  shel  hev  em 
defilin  the  sakred  ballot-box  ez  tho  they  wuz  not  uv  a cussid 
race.  I see  dark  lines  afore  our  poor  State.  They  will  here- 
after hold  the  land  wich  they  hev  bought,  and  wich  they  live 
on,  by  a sure  tenure,  and  they  will  increase  and  multiply. 
Pollock  will  buy  ther  prodoos,  and  they  will  work  and  git 
money.  This  money  they  will  lend  to  us,  — for  we  must  hev  it 
to  sustain  life,  — and  the}^  will  take  mortgages  onto  our  land. 
(When  I say  our,  1 mean  Deekin  Pogram  and  sich.)  Ez  we 
never  work  ourselves,  and  will  not  hev,  under  the  present 
arrangement,  the  means  of  compellin  the  labor  necessary  to 
our  support,  we  kin  never  pay ; and  the  result  will  be,  this 
beautiful  land  uv  ourn  wich  we  so  deeply  love,  will  pass  out 
uv  the  hands  uv  the  stronger  and  better  race  into  the  control 
uv  a weaker  and  less  powerful  people.  The  Deekin  was  re- 
markin  suthin  to  this  elfect,  when  Joe  Bigler  remarkt  in  reply, 
that  the  Deekin  bed  better  throw  himself  onto  the  sympathy 
uv  his  sons. 

Why,  they  can’t  work  any  more  than  I kin,”  sed  the 
Deekin. 

“ I don’t  mean  yoor  white  sons  ! ” sed  this  terrible  Bigler. 


550 


A PROPHECY. 


They  ain’t  uv  no  akkoiint.  But  in  the  nigger  settlement  at 
'Garrettstown  yoo  hev  more  than  twenty  who  wood  — ” 

The  poor  Deekin  rushed  out  uv  the  room,  while  Bigler  laft 
his  most  feendish  lafF. 

The  people  will  be  deprived  uv  their  innocent  amoosements. 
This  Grant  will  send  on  armed  hirelins,  clothed  in  ojus  bloo, 
with  muskets  and  sich,  who  will  prevent  our  shootin  niggers, 
and  who  will  protect  on  ther  farms  and  in  ther  houses  the  ojus 
Northerners  who  hev  settled  in  our  midst.  We  shel  see  the 
glorious  Southern  system  decline  stidily  and  shoorly.  The 
whipping  posts  will  rot  and  the  stox  will  decay;  the  yelp  uv 
dorgs  will  no  more  be  heard,  and  the  cheerful  crack  uv  the 
pistol  and  the  shreek  uv  the  man  wat  has  got  his  gruel  will  no 
more  be  heerd  in  the  land.  Bascom,  after  he  hez  the  few 
farms  still  unmortgaged  in  the  visinity,  will  close,  and  go  to 
Looisville  and  embark  into  the  wholesale  grosery  trade  and  jine 
the  church,  and  give  librerly  to  Sunday  skools  ; his  grosery 
will  fall  into  dekay,  and  the  sine  will  hang  by  one  hinge.  We 
shell  see  churches  and  skool  houses,  factrys  and  villages  every- 
where. The  Pogram  place  uv  2,000  akers  will  be  divided  up 
into  twenty  farms,  and  onto  them  will  be  the  bustlin  Noo 
Yorker,  the  cool,  calculating  Yankee,  the  stiddy,  hard-workin 
German,  who  will  display  his  grovelin  nacher  by  working 
himself  instid  uv  forcin  niggers  to  do  it  for  him.  We  shel  be 
run  over  with  skool-marms,  deluged  with  acadamies,  plastered 
over  with  noosepapers,  stunned  with  machinery,  drove  crazy 
by  the  whirr,  crash,  and  clash  of  mowin  machines  and  reapers. 
And  there  will  be  cheese  made  at  the  Corners.  Pennibacker's 
distillery  will  be  turned  into  a cheese  factry,  and  weak  whey 
will  run  wher  now  the  generous  high  wines  flash  along  the 
troughs.  Ther  will  be  no  rectifyin  at  the  Corners  ; the  hog 
pens  will  be  abolished,  and  in  ther  sted  will  be,  skool  houses. 
And  methinks  I see  in  my  mind’s  eye,  Horasho,  the  speerit,  the 
ghost  uv  the  departed  Pogram  (for  he  won’t  survive  it  long), 
a hoverin  over  the  scene,  ez  Hamlick’s  father  did.  The  blessed 
shade  will  look  in  vain  for  his  house  — on  the  spot  wher  it 
stood  will  be  an  academy.  He  will  turn  to  Bascom’s,  but  ther 
he  will  find  a deestrict  skule. 

‘‘  To  Pennibacker’s  ! ” he  will  gasp,  in  a speerit  whisper,  and 


A CHANGE  OF  BASE. 


551 


with  a speritooal  smack  uv  his  speritooal  lips^  he  will  hover 
over  it,  but  the  smell  uv  cheese  in  the  place  uv  the  strengthen- 
in  odors  in  wich  he  delites,  will  send  a speritooal  shudder  thro 
him.  A ghost  uv  a tear  will  run  down  his  speritooal  nose, 
linger  for  a minit  at  the  tip,  like  a dew  drop  on  the  rose,  and 
fall ! 

Then  will  the  dissatisfied  ghost  demand  to  be  taken  back  to 
purgatory,  a place  less  tryin  to  his  nerves. 

All  is  up  with  me  and  us.  I shel  stay  in  Kentucky  for  the 
present,  tho  wat  may  become  uv  me  the  Lord  only  knows. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


CLXX. 

MR.  NASBY  GOES  TO  NEW  YORK  AND  ESTAB- 
LISHES HIMSELF  IN  BUSINESS. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  ^ 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  > 
December  31,  1868.  j 

The  undersigned  hez  made  a great  leap.  He  located  in 
Noo  York  in  pursooance  uv  an  ijee  wich  he  hez  cherished  long. 
His  career  in  Noo  York  wuz  brilliant  ef  it  was  short.  It  lastid 
twenty-four  consecutive  hours,  that  being  4he  average  length 
uv  time  a honist  man  kin  exist  in  that  city.  One  of  the  classic 
poits  speeks  uv  the  awkardnis  uv  bein  in  hell  without  claws ; 
lied  he  substitooted  Noo  York  for  hell  he  wood  hev  hit  it 
closer. 

The  citizens  uv  the  Corners  held  a consultation  ez  to  wat 
wuz  to  be  done  with  me  when  A.  Johnson  shood  shuffle  orf 
the  mortal  coil  uv  offlshal  life.  I broacht  to  em  my  ijee  uv 
goin  to  Noo  York,  to  wich  they  acceeded  with  an  alacrity  wich 
wuz  not  so  complementary  ez  it  mite  hev  bin.  I thot  I de- 
tectid  in  ther  eagernis  to  pervide  for  me,  at  a distance,  more 
uv  a desire  to  get  rid  uv  me  than  a solissitood  for  my  well- 


552 


THE  OUTFIT. 


bein.  Indeed,  when  Deekin  Pogram  askt  “ Wher  shel  we  fix 
him  ? Bascom  onfeelingly  remarkt,  “ Any  wher  — any  wher  ! ” 
But  sich  is  life.  Republics  hev  alluz  bin  ungrateful.  Homer 
begged  his  bread,  and  A.  Johnson  wuzn’t  nominated  for  the 
Presidency  by  the  Dimocricy. 

When  I statid  that  I desired  to  go  to  Noo  York,  and  that  all 
that  prevented  it  wuz  capital  enuff  to  start  a grosery,  Bascom 
to-wunst  remarkt  that  that  shoodn’t  stand  in  the  way. 

I mite  ez  well  give  yoo  two  barrils  to-wunst,’^  sed  he,  and 
be  done  with  it,  ez  to  hev  yoo  prolong  it,  a drink  at  a time,  for 
six  months.  Indeed  it  wood  be  more  economical,  ez  it  wood 
save  me  the  labor  uv  drawin  it.  I give  two  barrils  uv  whisky 
to  git  rid  uv  — that  is,  to  establish  — our  friend  in  a new  field 
uv  labor.’^ 

McPelter  and  Pennibacker  contributid  money  enuff  to  pay 
the  freight  onto  the  likker,  and  to  provide  the  necessary  fixters 
for  a bar,  and  that  nite  I left  the  Corners,  hopin  never  to  be 
compelled  to  return.  But  feelin  the  truth  uv  the  proverb  that 
there’s  many  a slip  betwixt  the  cup  and  lip,  I didn’t  resine 
the  Post  Offis,  but  lockt  it,  leavin  directions  with  the  boy 
who  carries  the  mail  to  leave  Deekin  Pogram’s  paper  -at  his 
house. 

On  my  way  to  Noo  York  I indulged  in  the  most  pleasin 
dreams.  I fancied  myself  behind  my  own  bar ; gittin  my 
own  likker  at  wholesale  ; uv  hevin  a back  room  into  wich 
caucuses  Shood  be  held ; hevin  a suffishent  run  uv  biznis,  and 
the  consekent  control  uv  enuff  votes  to  be  on  speakin  terms 
with  Governor  Huffman  and  Mayor  Hall ; uv  bein  nominatid 
for  Alderman  ; uv  bavin  contrax  ; uv  buildin  a house  on  Fifth 
Avenoo,  and  bein  a ginooiiie  Noo  York  aristocrat ; uv  havin 
my  carriage,  with  the  coat  uv  arms  uv  the  Nasby  family  onto 
the  panels  ; uv  goin  to  Congris,  in  the  place  uv  Morrisy,  and 
so  on.  It  wuz  a lovely  dream,  but  I wuz  destined  to  a sad 
awakenin. 

I rentid  a grosery  store  in  a convenient  corner  uv  Gth  Ward, 
and  put  over  it,  in  bold  letters,  the  legend,  Michael  O’Nasby,” 
wtth  the  harp  wich  wunst  thro  Tara’s  halls,  its  sole  uv  moosic 
shed,  paintid  conspicyous  ; and  bein  a troo  Amerikin,  I hed  the  ' 
green  flag  uv  ould  Ireland  paintid  rite  above  the  Stars  and 
„ Stripes. 


Nasby  Dreams  he  is  a genuine  New  York  Aristocrat.  Page  552. 


THE  OPENING. 


553 


In  two  days  I wuz  ready  for  biznis.  My  establishment  reely 
looked  well.  I lied  my  two  barrils  conveniently  mounted  ; I 
hed  thirty  glasses  in  a pan  ; and  a plate  uv  crackers  back  uv 
em,  to  show,  merely,  ez  no  one  yooses  them  in  the  6th  Ward. 

In  the  mean  time  I hed  made  many  pleasant  acquaintances. 
Two  Aldermen  and  four  or  five  gentlemen  connected  with  the 
city  government  hed  lookt  in,  and  interdoosed  theirselves,  and 
exprest  theirselves  pleased  at  my  comin.  Bein  a stranger  in 
the  city,  they  gave  some  valuable  advise. 

‘‘The  first  thing  to  do,*’  sed  one  uv  em,  “is  to  make  ac- 
quaintances. I wood  suggest  that  you  hev  a formal  openin. 
We  will,  ef  the  idea  strikes  yoo,  take  the  trouble  to  invite  a 
few  friends  in,  say  to-nite,  to  save  you  the  trouble,  that  you 
may  establish  }"ourself.  Is  it  a go  ? ” 

Overjoyed,  I remarked,  “ Certainly.”  Fatal  remark  ! That 
remark,  short  ez  it  wuz,  wuz  my  undooin.  My  friends  come, 
and  with  em  their  friends,  to  the  number  uv  perhaps  thirty.  I 
rejoist  when  I saw  em.  There  wuzent  a whole  pair  uv  pants 
in  the  party,  and  a more  gorgeous  assortment  uv  noses  eyes 
never  rested  onto.  Every  man  uv  em  wuz  a staunch  Dimo- 
krat,  and  ez  they  looked  at  them  freshly  tapped  barrels,  they 
swore  eternal  love  for  me. 

Uv  course  I invited  them  to  take  a drink,  wich  invitashen 
wuz  responded  to  with  alacrity. 

My  friends,  the  Aldermen,  immejitly  insisted  that  the  party 
drink  wuth  them.  Joyfully  I sot  out  the  tumblers,  the  Aider- 
men  drinkin  out  uv  tin  cups,  with  the  remark  that  they  wuzn’t 
proud.  The  cup  held  more’n  three  tumblers.  Immejitly  one 
uv  the  gentlemen  who  wuz  connected  with  the  city  govern- 
ment remarkt,  “ Set  em  up  ! ” wich  I did,  they  insistiu  that  I 
drink  with  em  every  time.  Then  one  uv  the  friends  insistid 
that  itwvuz  his  time  ; then  another,  and  another,  and  another. 
By  this  time  I wuz  off  my  balence.  Bascom  hed  not  watered 
the  whiskey,  supposin  I knew  enuff  about  keepin  bar  to  do  it, 
and  I hed  not  done  it,  sposin  that  he  had  done  it.  In  my  frenzy 
I invited  all  uv  em  to  take  suthin,  and  then  the  rest  seemes  to 
me  like  a horrid  dream.  I remembered  frantically  insistin  on 
everybody  drinkin  with  me ; I remember  the  crowd  kept 
growin  bigger  and  bigger ; the  Aldermen  and  two  uv  the 


554 


THE  ENDING. 


gentlemen  connected  with  the  city  government  vaulted  behind 
the  bar.  and  actid  ez  dispensers,  I hevin  rolled  conveniently 
under  the  bar,  and  then  conshusnis  left  me. 

***** 

I awoke  in  the  mornin  — I alluz  do  — but  wat  an  awakenin  ! 
The  doors  wuz  open ; there  wuz  not  a drop  of  likker  in  the 
house  ; the  friends,  the  Aldermen,  and  the  gentlemen  connectid 
with  the  city  government,  hed  stolen  the  tumblers,  the  barrils, 
and  all  the  moveables  in  the  institooshen ; it  wuz  ez  bare  ez 
the  Treasury  wuz  after  Bookannan  retired  from  offis  ! They 
hed  even  stolen  the  sign  over  the  door  and  the  stove  out  uv 
the  room,  my  boots,  hat,  and  coat. 

Ez’a  matter  of  course  I coodn’t  start  agin.  I not  only  had 
no  whiskey,  but  I hed  nothin  to  pour  it  out  into.  I wuz  bustid. 
My  openin  wuz  altogether  too  gorgeous.  It  wood  hev  ansered 
hed  I possessed  the  capital  to  start  agin,  but  that  I lacked. 
Agin  I wuz  floored  for  want  uv  means.  Agin  my  impecuni- 
osity  prevented  me  from  makin  a rise  in  the  world.  How  long*, 
oh,  how  long,  shel  I be  thus  hampered  ! 

I shel  never  divulge  how  I got  back  to  the  Corners.  I shel 
never  wring  the  public  buzzum  with  a narrashen  uv  the  trials 
and  troubles  uv  that  long  walk  ! I shel  never  recount  how  I 
wuz  ignominously  tumbled  ofl*  uv  cars  ; how  I hed  to  gobble 
at  free  lunches,  et  setry.  Sufflse  it  to  say  I got  home  at 
last. 

But  I shel  not  stay  here.  My  failyoor  in  Noo  York  shel  not 
deter  me.  I shel  go  back  there.  With  sich  a constittooency 
at  one.’s  back,  and  so  much  wealth  to  tax,  it  must  be  a good 
field  for  me.  I shel  try  it  agin. 

Peteoleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


A DISCUSSION. 


555 


r 


CLXXI.  ' . 

MR.  NASBY  AND  HIS  FRIENDS  CONSIDER  THE 
QUESTION  OF  BREAD  AND  BUTTER. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  y 
January  13,  1869.  } 

The  question  Wat  kin  I do  with  myself?  ” is  not  solved. 
My  return  from  Noo  York  so  ignomiously,  on  foot,  wuz  a seri- 
ous disappointment  to  my  friends  at  the  Corners.  They  felt 
when  I left  em  that  they  had  me  fixed  for  life,  and  their  sorrer 
at  my  ontimely  return  wuz  genuine.  Bascom,  ez  soon  ez  he 
saw  me  enter  his  bar,  weary  and  foot-sore,  remarked,  with  a 
profane  ejaculashen,  that  Fd  be  his  rooin  yet. 

I am  a man  uv  ackshun.  To-wunst  I called  a meetin  uv  my 
friends  to  consider  the  situashen,  and  to  arrange  for  another 
vencher.  I remarkt  to  em  that  I had  not  lost  faith  in  Noo 
York ; that  I wuz  certin  that  that  wuz  my  field.  I proposed 
that  another  outfit  shood  be  furnished  me,  the  same  ez  before, 
and  that  I shood  hev  one  more  trial.  But  they  unanimously 
declined,  feelin  that  I hedn’t  suffishent  control  uv  my  OAvn 
appetite  for  a grocery  keeper,  and  that  investments  in  that 
direcshun  wood  be  a waste  uv  capital  which  the  Corners  cood 
not  afford. 

Various  methods  uv  makin  a livin  were  sejested,  but  none 
met  my  approval.  One  wood  sejest  this  thing  in  San  Fran- 
cisco ; another  in  Alaska  ; and  each  one  wood  swear  that  every 
one  wuz  the  very  thing.  Their  readiness  to  agree,  and  the 
nuraerousnis  uv  the  miles  the  places  wuz  away,  satisfied  me  that 
distance  was  the  main  pint  with  em. 

That  misable  wretch,  Joe  Bigler,  happened  in  at  a moment 
when  they  wuz  a discussin  the  feasibility  uv  a conductership 
on  a street  railroad  in  Noo  Orleans,  — ez  tho  the  directors  uv 
the  companies  hadn’t  all  got  dissipated  nephews  to  fill  sich 
responsible  places,  — when  he  remarkt  that  the  obtoosenis  uv 
humanity  wuz  one  uv  the  wonders  uv  the  nineteenth  century. 

Make  uv  him,”  sed  Josef,  a Dimoki’atic  organ  grinder, 
saw  off  his  rite  leg,  dress  him  in  bloo,  git  him  an  instrooment 


556 


JOE  BIGLER’S  SUGGESTIONS. 


wich  will  play  ^ Dixie/  the  ^ Bonnie  Bloo  Flag/  and  sich  toons, 
and  plant*  him  on  the  side  walks  uv  Louisville,  Noo  York,  or 
any  other  Dimekratic  city,  and  his  forchoon  is  made.” 

But  why  dress  me  in  bloo  ? Why  not  in  gray,  ef  I play 
Confedrit  toons  ? ” 

Innocense  ! Didn’t  the  Dimocrisy  always  wear  bloo  while 
they  wuz  whistlin  Confedrit  toons  ? Even  in  the  North  they 
don’t  object  to  a bloo  coat,  so  that  they  know  that  there’s  a 
Confedrit  heart  under  it  ? ” 

But,”  replied  I,  I wuzn’t  a soljer  : wich  is,  only  ez  a 
draftid  man,  and  then  only  for  a short  time.” 

That  don’t  matter,”  remarkt  Josef ; no  more  wuz  the  heft 
uv  Dimocrisy.  The  bulk  uv  em  wich  served,  did  so  as  draftid 
men.  But  that  circumstance  is  in  yoor  favor.  The  regler  organ 
grinders,  them  wich  wuz  volunteers,  put  onto  a placard  wich 
hangs  onto  their  instrooment  words  to  tliis  effect : — 

^ Enlisted  July  10,  1862  — shot  thro  the  leg  at  Anteetam.’ 

Yoo  kin  put  onto  yourn  this  proud  inscripshen:  — 

^ Draftid  September  6, 1863  — desertid  September  30, 1863  j 
lost  rite  leg  in  an  encounter  with  Provost  Marshels,  October 
10,  1863.’  • 

Sich  an  inscripshen  wood  melt  the  heart  uv  every  Dim- 
okratic  passer-by,  and  they’d  fill  your  cigar-box  with  coppers. 
Wich  uv  em  cood  resist  such  an  appeal?  Think  uv  wat  a 
harvest  yoo’d  reap  in  Louisville  when  Breckinridge  comes 
home,  and  in  Frankfort  when  he  is  inoggeratid  Governor  of 
Kentucky ! It’s  the  dodge  for  yoo.  Parson.” 

I thot  the  matter  over  for  a minnit,  and  it  pleased  me.  The 
life  uv  an  organ  grinder  is  by  no  means  to  be  despised.  It’s  -a 
dreamy,  poetical,  contemplative  sort  uv  eggistence.  Ez  ther 
ain’t  no  manyool  labor  in  it  beyond  the  mere  turriin  uv  a crank, 
I am  satisfied  that  it  wood  soot  me.  Then  one  sees  so  much 
uv  life.  Constantly  before  yoo  is  a ever  changin  panorama  ; yoo 
see  humanity  in  all  its  phases ; and  when  nite  comes  how 
sweet  the  rest,  how  inspirin  the  likker,  wich  yoo  hev  honestly 
earned  by  yoor  manly  exertions  ! 

Is  it  neccessary  that  I shel  hev  a leg  ampitatid  ?”  askt  I. 

Certainly  ! ” replied  Josef. 


AN  OBSTACLE. 


557 


Then  I decline  ! ’’  sed  I.  Aside  . from  the  pain,  I hev 
regard  for  them  legs.  They  saved  my  life  in  all  the  skirmishes 
I wuz  in  doorin  my  breef  term  uv  servis  ez  a drafted  man  in 
T3.  I will  not  part  with  one  uv  em.’’ 

This  is  triflen  with  your  friends,  sir  ! ’’  ejaculatid  Bascom. 

Yoo  hev  the  way  opened  for  a honist  livin,  and  yoo  refoose  to 
walk  ye  into  it.  This  cannot  be  permitted.” 

It  cannot  be  permitted  ! ” ekkoed  McPelter,  Pennibacker, 
and  the  rest  uv  em. 

‘^Joseph,  hev  yoo  suffishent  skill  to  ampetate  a limb?  ” askt 
Bascom. 

1 hev,”  replied  Joseph,  ef  yoo  will  furnish  me  a carvin 
knife  and  handsaw.  I’ve  seen  it  done  in  Confedrit  hospitals. 
Troo,  the  victims  didn’t  most  alluz  survive.  Ef  yoo  do  stand  it. 
Parson,  think  uv  the  glorious  life  organ-grindin  is  ; ef  yoo  die 
under  it,  console  yourself  by  thinkiii  how  much  organ-grindin 
yoo’ve  escaped  ! Bring  the  knife  and  saw,  and  somebody  twist 
a handkercher  about  his  leg.” 

And  forthwith  they  ceazed  me,  throwd  me  onto  the  bar,  and 
tied  me  there,  and  brot  a dull  knife  and  handsaw,  and  that 
cuss  wood  hev  hackt  into  my  leg  hed  it  not  bin  for  Deekin 
Pogram. 

“Joseph  Bigler  !”  sed  this  more  than  saint,  “trooly  tell  us 
the  chances  uv  his  survivin  this  operashen  ? ” 

“ About  one  in  a thousand,  I shood  say ; and  that’s  why  I am 
so  anxious  to  commence  !”  promptly  replied  Joseph,  sharpnin 
the  knife  vishusly  onto  the  sole  uv  his  boot. 

“ Then  let  him  up  ! ” ejaculated  the  Deekin  hastily  ; “ let  him 
up.  He  owes  me  thirty-seven  dollars,  with  interest,  sence  the 
second  day  of  his  arrival  in  this  place,  wich  he  borrered.  Ef 
he  dies  its  gone  ; ef  he  lives  he  may  strike  suthin  that’ll 
enable  him  to  pay  it.” 

“ Slash  away,  Bigler  ! ” remarkt  Bascom,  vishusly  ; “he  owes 
me  seven  hundred  dollars  for  drinks  sence  he’s  bin  here,  and 
ef  he  lives  he’ll  double  it  in  a year.” 

There  wnz  an  animatid  discussion,  ez  to  whether  he  shood 
go  on  or  stay  his  eager  hand.  Fortunately  I owed  every  one 
uv  the  bystanders,  and  wat  wuz  more  fortunate,  the  most  uv 
em  wuz  better  fixed  than  Bascom.  ' The  heft  uv  my  indebted- 


558  • 


A NEW  BUSINESS. 


ness  to  the  others  wuz  for  borrered  money,  clothin,  and  sich 
things  wich  a man  kin  git  along  without.  Bascom  knows  that 
ez  long  ez  I live  I must  hev  his  goods,  money  or  no  money  ; 
and  hence  his  desire  to  see  me  either  git  lucrative  employment 
or  die. 

But  the  majority  wuz  agin  him ; he  yeelded,  and  I wuz 
saved.  Thank  Heaven  for  debt.  Hed  I bin  less  hefty  on  the 
borrer,  I wood  now  be  a cold  corpse. 

1 must  git  out  uv  this  ez  soon  ez  possible. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

CLXXII. 

MR.  NASBY  FINDS  A NEW  BUSINESS  WHICH 
PROMISES  AMPLE  PROFITS. 


Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads, 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
January  20,  18G9. 

I HEY  it  at  last ! I see  a lite  ! A grate  lite  ! a brite  lite  ! I 
shall  not  go  to  Noo  York,  nor  shall  I be  forced  to  leave  the  Cor- 
ners, at  least  permanently.  I hev  at  last  struck  ile  ! I shel  live 
like  a gentleman ; I shel  pay  for  my  likker,  and  be  on  an  ekal 
footin  with  other  men.  Bascom,  whose  smile  is  happiness,  but 
W’hose  frown  is  death,  will  smile  onto  me  wunst  more. 

To  Miss  Soosan  Murphy  I owe  my  present  happiness.  The 
minnit  I notist  that  she  hed  put  in  a claim  agin  the  Govern- 
ment for  property  yoosed  doorin  the  war  by  Fedral  soljery,  I 
to-wunst  saw  where  my  finanshel  salvashen  wuz.  Immejitly  I 
histed  my  shingle  ez  a agent  to  prossekoot  claims  agin  the 
Government  for  property  destro}md  or  yoosed  doorin  the  late 
onpleasantnis,  by  Fedral  troops.  That  shingle  hedn’t  bin  out 

A Miss  Susan  Murphy  filed  a claim  against  the  Government,  in  1869,  for 
property  destroyed  by  the  Federal  armies.  Had  it  been  allowed,  every  rebel 
in  the  South  would  have  followed  her  example  promptly. 


A PROSPEROUS  BEGINNING. 


559 


an  hour  before  Joe  Bigler  bed  red  it  to  half  the  citizens  uv 
the  Corners,  and  in  two  hours  I hed  biznis  on  my  hands,  and 
money  in  my  pockets.  Ez  a matter  uv  course,  I insisted  upon 
a retainin  fee  uv  ten  dollars  in  each  case. 

Issaker  Gavitt  and  his  two  younger  brothers  wuz  the  first 
clients  I hed.  Their  case  is  one  uv  pekoolyer  hardship,  and  I 
feel  ashoored  that  Congris  will  to-wunst  alford  em  the  releef 
they  ask.  The  property  destroyed  wuz  a barn  and  its  contents, 
wich  wuz  destroyed  by  Buel  in  the  second  yeer  uv  the  war ; 
that  is,  the  contents  wood  hev  bin  destroyed  only  they  wuzn’t 
in  the  barn,  ez  they  hed  bin  sold  jist  previously  to  the  Con- 
fedracy.  But  ez  the  Elder,  peace  to  his  ashes,  took  Confedrit 
munny  for  sed  contents,  wich  munny  he,  in  a moment  uv  en- 
thoosiasm,  invested  in  Confedrit  bonds,  wich  finally  got  to  be 
worth  nothin,  we  put  in  a claim  for  the  valyoo  uv  the  contents 
ez  well  ez  uv  the  barn.  Bein  70  years  uv  age  when  the  war 
broke  out,  he  dM  not  volunteer  in  the  Confedrit  service,  and 
consequently  never  fired  a shot  at  the  Old  Flag.  His  two 
youngest  sons  did,  it  is  troo,  but  the  Elder  can’t  be  held 
responsible  for  them  boys.  'The  estate  is  entitled  to  damage 
jist  the  same  ez  tho  the  Elder  wuz  alive. 

Elder  Pennibacker  hez  also  claims  to  a considerable  amount, 
wich  is  for  fences,  crops,  barns,  and  sich,  destroyed  by  Fedral 
armies.  The  Elder  is  not  quite  certain  but  that  the  fences  wuz 
destroyed  by  order  uv  a Confedrit  General,  wich  wuz  retreetin, 
and  it  is  possible  that  the  crops,  barns,  and  sich,  wuz  yoosed 
up  at  the  same  time.  It  wuz  doorin  the  war,  at  any  rate,  and 
ez  the  Fedral  Government  wuz,  in  his  opinyun,  to  blame  for  the 
war,  wich  never  wood  hev  bin  carried  on  hed  it  yeelded  ez  it 
ought  to  hev  done,  why  the  Fedral  Government  ought  to  pay 
all  these  losses.  Uv  course  I shan’t  put  all  the  Elder’s  talk 
into  the  petishen. 

Miss  Jane  McGrath’s  case,  wich  is  the  one  I shel  push  the 
hardest,  is  one  wich,  ef  Congris  does  not  consider  favorably,  it 
will  show  that  Congris  hez  no  bowels.  Miss  McGrath  is  a 
woman.  Uv  course  doorin  the  war  she  wuz  loyal,  ez  she 
understood  loyalty.  She  beleeved  in  her  State.  She  hed  two 
brothers  wich  went  into  the  Confedrit  servis,  and  she  gave  em 
both  horses.  But  wood  any  sister  let  her  brother  go  afoot? 


560  A HISTORY  OF  THE  CLAIMS. 

Them  horses  must  be  set  down  to  the  credit  uv  her  sisterly 
affeckshun.  It  will  be  showed,  I make  no  doubt,  that  when 
her  oldest  brother's  regiment  (he  wuz  a Colonel)  left  for  the 
seat  uv  war,  that  Miss  McGrath  presented  to  it  a soot  uv  colors 
wich  she  made  with  her  own  hands,  wich  soot  included  a black 
flag  Avith  skull  and  cross-bones  onto  it.  Sposin  she  .did  ? It 
Avuz  loyalty  to  Avat  she  considered  her  State.  And  the  fact 
that  doorin  the  Avar  she  rode  tAvelve  miles  to  inform  a Confedrit 
officer  that  four  Fedral  soijers  wich  hed  escaped  from  Anderson- 
ville  AAmz  hid  in  her  barn,  shood  not  operate  agin  her.  Onto 
her  piano  ther  avuz  a choice  collection  uv  Southern  songs,  and 
ther  is  a rumor,  that  in  Louisville  Avunst  she  did  spit  in  the 
face  uv  a Fedral  offiser  ; but  Avat  uv  that?  Is  a great  Govern- 
ment goin  to  inquire  closely  into  sich  trifles  ? Miss  McGrath 
give  me  the  names  uv  three  Fedral  Generals  who  campt  on  her 
place  doorin  the  last  year  u\"  the  Avar,  Avich  Avood  certify  to  her 
loyalty,  Avich,  ef  they  didn’t,  Avood  shoAv  that  there  Avuzn’t  any 
gratitood  in  humanity. 

Deekin  Pogram  hez  uv  course  a claim.  The  Deekin’s  horses 
AVUZ  all  taken  by  a Fedral  offiser,  Avich  wuz  the  more  agravatin, 
ez  the  Deekin  hed,  in  addishen  to  his  OAvn,  jist  bought  25,  wich 
he  AVUZ  to  hev  delivered  to  General  Morgan,  ua”  the  Confedracy, 
the  next  day,  who  avuz  to  hev  paid  for  em  in  gold.  They  Avere 
gobbled.  For  these  horses  the  Deekin  claims  payment.  He 
AVUZ,  doorin  the  war,  strictly  nootral.  Kentucky  did  not  secede, 
neither  did  the  Deekin.  His  boys  Avent  into  the  Confedrit 
serAuce,  and  on  several  occasions  he  mite  hev  cleaned  his 
trusty  rifle  and  gone  out  at  nite  to  git  a crack  at  Fedral 
pickets.  Habit  is  strong,  and  ez  ther  Avere  no  schoolmasters 
to  shoot,  the  Deekin  must  shoot  somethin.  He  considered  the 
Avar  a great  misforchoon,  and  many  a time  hez  the  old  patriark, 
Avith  teers  streemin  doAvn  his  cheeks,  exclaimed,  Why  Avon’t 
Linkin  AvithdraAv  his  troops  and  let  us  alone  ? ” He  hez  bin 
since  the  close  uv  the  struggle  a hankerin  arter  Peece.  “ Let 
us  hev  Peece  ! ” is  his  cry.  Give  me  back  my  niggers  ; let 
me  hev  things  ez  they  Avunce  avuz,  and  I shel  be  soothed  into 
quietood.”  He  voted  for  Micklellan  in  1864,  and  for  Seymour 
in  1868,  but  that  uv  course  Avon’t  count  agin  him  in  the  matter 
uv  the  claim.  The  minnit  he  decided  to  put  in  the  claim  he 


ANOTHER  OUTRAGE. 


561 


withdrew  from  the  Ku-Klux,  nv  wich  associashuh  he  hez  bin 
chief  for  this  seckshim.  He’s  sorry  now  that  he  shot  any 
niggers  since  the  close  of  the  war.  He  is  an  inoffensive  old 
man,  whose  pathway  to  the  tomb  needs  soothin.  The  horses 
he  lost  he  counts  worth  $10,000,  and  he  uv  course  wants 
remuneration  to  the  amount  uv  $10,000  more  for  the  anguish 
he  suffered  seein  uv  em  go. 

Almost  every  white  citizen  uv  the  Corners  hez  a claim,  uv 
wdch  I shel  hev  the  prosekootin ; that  is  them  wich  kin  raise 
the  retainin  fee.  Some  hundred  or  more  who  never  hed  any- 
thing before  or  doorin  the  war,  and  who  are  in  the  same  con- 
dish  en  now,  hev  put  in  claims  for  sums  rangin  from  $10,000  to 
$20,000,  offerin  me  the  half  I git.  1 may  take  em.  They  kin 
swear  to  each  other’s  loyalty,  wich  will  redoose  the  cost  uv 
evidence  to  a mere  nominal  sum. 

I sliel  hie  me  to  Washinton  and  get  Mrs.  Cobb  to  take  hold 
with  me,  giving  her  a share.  Ef  she  succeeds  with  Congris  ez 
well  ez  she  did  with  the  President,  the  result  will  be  all  that  I 
kin  desire. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

— 

CLXXIII. 

THE  LAST  OUTRAGE  UPON  KENTUCKY.  — PASSAGE 
OF  THE  CONSTITUTIONAL  AMENDMENT  BY  THE 
HOUSE. 

Post  Orris,  CoNrEORiT  X Roads  1 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky,  ^ 
February  7,  18G9.  ) 

The  die  is  mostly  cast  — gloom  hez  settled  like  a dark  pall 
onto  Kentucky.  The  last  vestige  uv  Constitooshnel  liberty  is 
swept  away,  leavin  us  nothin  but  the  name  thereof,  wich  is 
holler  mockery.  Ef  the  Senit  goes  on  and  concurs  with  the 
House,  — wich  it  will  do,  — and  the  rekisit  number  of  States 
ratify  the  ackshen  of  them  two  accussid  bodies,  — wich  they 
36 


562 


A PLEASANT  PICTURE. 


will  do,  — why,  then  all  is  over.  Niggers  will  vote  in  Ken- 
tucky the  same  ez  white  men,  and  the  star  uv  liberty  is  sot 
forever  ! They  may  go  so  far,  ez  they  will  be  in  a majority, 
ez  to  disfranchise  the  brave  men  who  served  in  the  Confedrit 
army. 

Ez  might  hev  bin  expectid,  the  intelligence  affectid  the  Cor- 
ners profoundly.  We  wuz  all  a settin  in  at  Bascom’s  ez  happy 
ez  we  cood  be.  A new  barrel  hed  bin  tapped.  Deekin  Po- 
gram  had  money,  and  I wuz  not  altogether  unprovided,  ez  a 
letter  hed  bin  dropped  into  the  Post  Offis  that  mornin  wich 
contained  a remittance  uv  six  dollars  to  a lottery  concern  in 
Noo  York.  Ez  I beleeve  lotteries  to  be  swindles,  and  demoral- 
izin  in  their  nacher,  I opened  the  missive  and  confiscatid  the 
contents.  I will  never  be  the  means  uv  leadin  young  men  to 
rooin  thro  the  agency  of  lottries  — never. 

It  wuz  a pleasant  scene.  The  fire  wuz  a burnin  brightly, 
wich  reflectin  on  our  respective  noses,  gave  the  room  a more 
than  usual  briteness  ; Bascom  wuz  behint  the  bar,  his  elbows 
leanin  onto  it,  waitin  for  the  orders  wich  he  knew  wood  be 
made ; Captain  McPelter  wuz  a smokin  his  pipe,  peacefly,  a 
watchin  the  clouds  that  ariz,  formin  a sort  uv  halo  about  his 
head  ; while  Deekin  Pogram  and  myself  wuz  just  in  the  act  uv 
takin  suthin  hot  wich  hed  bin  fixed  for  us.  At  this  moment 
Pennibacker’s  boy  rode  up  on  Bascom’s  mule  and  hove  a paper 
at  me  wich  contained  the  fatal  intelligence.  I read  it  aloud. 
There  wuz  no  more  innocent  mirth  that  nite.  Deekin  Pogram^s 
hand  relaxed  its  holt  onto  the  glass  and  it  fell  to  the  floor,  the 
precious  flooid  wastin  itself  thro  the  cracks,  and  the  old  Saint 
fell  from  his  chair  in  a swoon.  I hed  more  presence  uv  mind 
— I drank  mine  with  one  convulsive  gulp,  and  then  dropped 
the  empty  glass.  The  effect,  so  far  ez  manifestin  greef 
wuz  concerned,  wuz  the  same  ez  tho  I hed  dropped  it,  likker 
and  all,  and  it  wuz  better  for  me.  The  glass  wuz  Bascom’s  — 
the  sensashen  in  my  bowels  perdoosed  by  the  likker  wuz 
mine.  That,  even  constitooshnel  amendments  canT  take  away 
from  me. 

It  didn’t  take  long  to  figger  how  this  outrage,  ef  it  is  con- 
sumraatid,  will  effect  the  Corners.  Ther  is  in  this  peeceful 
township  sixty-three  loyal  white  voters,  uv  wich  number  thirty- 


HOW  IT  WAS. 


563 


nine  vindicated  their  manhood  in  the  Confedrit  servis,  the 
others  bein  too  old,  ceptin  Pollock,  wich  is  from  Illinoy,  and  uv 
Ablishen  proclivities.  Garrettstown  is  in  this  township,  and 
countin  them  in,  ther  is  two  hundred  and  forty-four  adult 
male  niggers,  and  ther  wood  hev  bin  a hundred  more  hed  nig- 
gers all  bin  born  bullet  and  rope  proof.  So  long  ez  these  nig- 
gers wuz  in  their  normal  condishen  uv  servitood  they  wuz 
indispensable  sence  they  wuz  crooelly  wrested  from  us,  we 
hev  made  em  a most  ez  yooseful  to  us  by  hevin  the  law  into 
our  own  hands.  They  hev,  ez  a rool,  accumulated  suthin,  for 
they  labor.  We  uv  course  held  the  offises.  Issaker  Gavitt  is 
Assessor,  and  Deekin  Pogram  Treasurer,  and  the  niggers  hev 
bin  made  to  pay  all  the  taxes  that  hev  bin  paid.  They  cood- 
ent  help  theirselves,  for  the  law  hez  terrors  when  weeldid  by 
strong  and  willin  hands,  and  the  hands  uv  our  ofiishels  are  both 
strong  and  willin. 

But  for  these  niggers  the  township  government  wood  be  a 
mere  nothin.  Issaker  didnT  dare  to  assess  Bas^^m  for  fear 
he’d  stop  supplies  onto  him,  nor -wood  Bascom  hev  any  uv  the 
white  citizens  taxed,  for  watever  they  shood  pay  in  taxes,  that 
went  either  into  the  County  or  State  Treasury,  wuz  so  much 
lost  to  him.  He  wuz  anxious  to  hev  the  niggers  sweat,  for  uv 
the  money  collectid  uv  them  he  got  a large  per  cent.,  either 
through  the  Collector  or  Treasurer,  wich  wuz  clear  gain,  ez 
they  don’t  patronize  him  anyhow. 

In  various  other  ways  we  hed  em.  Pennibacker  is  Justis 
uv  the  Peece,  and  hez  bin  for  yeers,  and  he  held  the  scales 
firmly.  The  niggers  wood  occasionally  labor  in  plantin  time  or 
in  harvest  for  the  white  citizens  who  owned  land,  and,  filled 
with  the  idea  that  they  wuz  free  citizens,  they  wood,  in  the 
most  insolent  manner,  demand  "pay  for  their  services.  Uv 
course  they  wood  be  refoosed,  whereupon  they  wood  bring 
soot  before  Pennibacker.  The  result  uv  their  venchur  it  is 
onnecessary  for  me  to  state. 

“ What  biznis  hez  a nigger  in  this  yer  court  ? ” wogd  the  in- 
dignant embodiment  uv  the  majesty  uv  the  law  thunder  forth, 
with  a face  as  black  as  a cloud.  And  dismissin  the  soot,  he 
wood  promptly  ishoo  an  execooshen  agin  em  for  costs.  Ten  or 
twenty  niggers  who  sood  white  men  wuz  sold  out,  bob  and 


564 


HOW  IT  WILL  BE. 


sinker,  by  the  court  for  costs  in  sich  soots,  and  when  the  costs 
didn’t  take  all  they  hed,  the  Justis  wood  fine  em  for  contempt 
uv  conrt  for  comin  before  him  at  all.  The  niggers,  after  a few 
experiments,  declined  to  seek  justis  at  that  fountain-head  uv 
the  article. 

Then  agin  in  case  uv  assault  and  battery,  and  inquests  on  the 
ded  bodies  uv  niggers,  it  wuz  nessary  to  hev  Pennibacker 
Justis.  Niggers  wich  wuz  found  ded  hanging  on  a tree,  and 
with  bullet  boles  into  em,  wuz  reglerly  found  guilty  uv  dyin 
by  visitation  uv  Providence.  Ez  they  hedn’t  votes,  uv  course 
none  uv  the  offishels  wuz  afraid  uv  em.  I heard  one  uv  em, 
wunst,  who  hed  bin  fined  twenty  dollars  for  striking  Issaker 
Gavitt,  wich  hed  in  a playful  mood  chased  his  daughter  thro 
the  Corners,  groaninly  exclaim  that  he  wisht  he’d  bin  born  in 
Ireland  instid  uv  Ameriky. 

But  now  how  will  it  be  with  us  ? They  Avill  vote,  and  they 
hev  a majority.  Pollock  will  be  made  Justis  uv  the  Peace,  Joe 
Bigler  Assessor,  and  a nigger  constable.  Wat  sekoority  hev 
we?  Niggers  will  soo  us  mnd  git  judgment,  and  the  nigger 
constable  will  serve  execooshens  onto  us.  Why,  Deekin  Po- 
gram  owes  enuff  to  niggers  to  swamp  every  aker  he  holds, 
and  Bascom  wood  sweat  severely.  And  when  we  punch  one 
uv  their  heads  for  insolence  to  us,  then  to  be  arrestid  by  a nig- 
ger, and  taken  afore  a Justis  elected  by  niggers,  and  be  fined 
or  perchance  imprisoned  ! It’s  too  much.  When  this  happens, 
will  the  Corners,  I ask,  be  a place  for  gentlemen  uv  pride  and 
culcher  ? Nay.  And  to  this  it  must  come. 

I see  one  weak  spot  in  the  amendment,  viz. : It  provides 

that  no  State  shel  disfranchise  anybody  becoz  of  race  or  color, 
but  don’t  say  that  people  can’t  be  disfranchised  for  other  causes, 
and  I eagerly  seezed  hold  uv  that  ez  a shipwreckt  mariner 
does  to  a plank. 

‘‘Wat  good  will  that  do  us?”  groaned  the  Deekin. 

“ Why,  we  kin  disfranchise  em  on  the  skore  of  ignorance  I ” 
remarked  I ; “ the  niggers  can’t  all  read  ? ” 

“ No  more  kin  I,”  replied  Isaaker  Gavitt,  mournfully.  “ I’d 
be  cut  out  with  em.” 

And  upon  givin  the  matter  matoor  reflection,  I saw  that  ther 
vjuz  no  bottom  to  that  hope.  By  makin  readin  a test,  the 


THE  END  OF  JOHNSON. 


565 


sooperior  class  at  the  Corners  wood  be  more  hurt  than  the  in- 
ferior class. 

Thank  Heaven,  ten  States  kin  block  this  game,  and  save  us 
this  torment.  0,  that  they  may  do  it ! 0,  that  that  bitter 

draft  may  be  spared  us  ! May  the  Dimocrisy  uv  the  North 
put  forth  their  strength,  and  save  us  this  last  degradation. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  means  Postmaster). 


CLXXIV. 

THE  LAST  CABINET  MEETING.  — THE  END  OF 
THE  JOHNSON  KEIGN. 

Washington,  D.  C.,  March  5,  1869. 

The  agony  is  over  ! A.  Johnson,  spurned  by  an  ungrateful 
people,  wich  didn’t  deserve  so  sweet  a boon,  is  wunst  more  a 
privit  citizen,  and  uv  no  more  account  than  I am  — not  ez 
much,  for  I am  still  a Postmaster. 

Ez  I wuz  in  at  the  birth  uv  the  Johnson  part}’,  so  it  wuz  my 
painful  dooty  to  be  in  at  the  death.  I wuz  present  at  the. first 
and  the  last  uv  its  Cabinet  meetins.  The  first  wuz  an  eggsiler- 
atin  scene  ; the  last  the  most  mournful  I ever  witnist.  At 
the  first  we  startid  out  with  high  hopes ; fresh  in  our  offisis, 
with  a Treasury  to  draw  on  wich  seemed  to  us  to  hev  no  bot- 
tom, and  with  sich  men  ez  Raymond,  Weed,  et  ah,  to  give  us 
character,  and  the  voices  uv  the  thousands  uv  patriots,  wich 
wantid  offis,  biddin  us  God-speed  ; at  the  last  there  wuz  left 
only  those  who  hed  become  so  fi*xed  that  they  couldn’t  get 
away,  and  every  one  uv  em  conshus  that  the  next  day  at  12  M. 
they  wuz  forever  lost.  The  harlot  commencin  her  career  with 
youth,  beauty,  strength,  and  store  clothes,  is  one  thing ; the 
same  bein  holler-eyed,  sunken-cheeked,  dirty,  and  drabbled, 
turned  out  to  die  on  a dunghill,  ain’t  so  pleasant  to  look  at. 

The  meetin  wuz  held  in  the  same  old  room,  in  wich  I hev 
seen  more  weepin  than  ever  fell  to  the  lot  uv  one  man.  (The 


566 


THE  CALM  PRESIDENT. 


administrashun  uv  A.  Johnson  will  be  known  in  histry  ez  the 
moist  Administration.)  It  wuz  in  this  room  that  we  decided 
to  veto  the  Freedman’s  Buro  and  Civil. Rites  Bill,  and  all  the 
other  acts  uv  the  39th  and  40th  Congress  ; it  wuz  in  this  room 
that  we  received  the  news  uv  the  eleckshens  uv  1866,  ’67,  and 
’68  ; it  wuz  in  this  room  that  the  Philadelphia  Convenshen  wuz 
determined  upon,  and  the  tetchin  march  uv  Couch  and  Orr, 
arm  in  arm,  up  the  aisle  wuz  arranged,  the  President  writin  at 
the  same  time  his  little  speech,  in  wich  he  mentioned  the  fact 
that  ez  he  read  the  account  thereof  he  couldn’t  restrain  his 
emoshun,  but  bustid  into  a flood  uv  teers  ; it  wuz  in  this  room 
that  the  spontaneous  triboots  uv  respeck  toward  His  Eggslency 
at  various  times  and  places  wuz  arranged,  and  the  details 
thereof  fixed  up  ; in  short,  it  wuz  in  this  room  that  all  the  acts 
wich  gild  the  memry  uv  the  late  administrashen  wuz  decided 
upon  and  evenchually  wept  over. 

Ez  I entered  it,  for  the  last  time  probably,  I bust  into 
teers  on  the  threshold,  and  jined  the  other  weepers  who  hed 
bin  distilin  briny  grief  for  some  hours.  Indeed,  so  long  hed 
they  bin  weepin  that  one  friend  uv  the  President,  who  hed  a 
Kentucky  countenance,  howled  piteously  for  some  liquid  to 
replace  that  wich  he  hed  lost.  A bottle  wuz  handed  him,  and 
he  wept  no  more.  I tried  it  to  strengthen  me  agin  the  waste 
that  I knowd  must  ensoo.  Ingratitood  is  not  my  failure.  Till 
A.  Johnson  gits  back  to  Tennessee  my  eyes  shall  not  be  dry. 
The  President  avuz  terribly  calm  and  composed. 

Weep  ! my  friends  ! ” sed  he,  Aveep.  I can’t  blame  you, 
for  you  are  about  to  be  deprived  of  me  1 But  in  this  tryin 
hour  I will  be  calm.  I hev  swung  around  the  entire  circle  uv 
offishel  honor.  I hev  bin — ” 

At  this  pint  his  A^oice  trembled  and  his  eyes  avuz  sufFoosed. 
But,  no  ! I will  be  myself.  Sekretary  Seward,  is  there  any 
more  acts  uv  an  unconstitutional  Congress  to  veto  ? ” 

No  — pockitin  uv  em  ansers  the  purpose.” 

“ Is  there  anybody  to  pardon  ? ” 

No  one  — but  stay.  Noav  that  I think  uv  it,  two  counter- 
feiters, one  whisky  speculator,  a Confedrit  officer  or  two,  and 
wat’s  left  uv  the  assassination  party,  still  linger  in  Basteels  or 
in  exile.” 


THE  LEAVE  TAKING. 


567 


I must  finish  my  work.  Hand  me  them  blank  pardons  ! ” 

He  wrote  with  a firm  hand,  a fillin  uv  em  out,  wich  only  took 
a second,  ez  he  hez  blanks  printed  for  all  the  various  offences 
man  kin  be  guilty  uv. 

“ Now  then  my  dooties  is  accomplished,  and  I cheerily  resine 
the  power  wich  I wood  hev  laid  down  long  ago  but  for  the  sake 
uv  my  bleedin  country.  I wood  hev  saved  my  native  land  — 
Enough.  Admit  our  friends.’^ 

Mayor  Munro,  uv  Noo  Orleans,  Mrs.  Cobb,  a score  or  more 
uv  Confedrit  officers,  and  a flood  uv  unforchenet  men  who  hed 
bin  accoosed  uv  tamperin  with  an  unconstooshnel  currency, 
and  a hundred,  more  or  less,  uv  Federal  offis-holders,  filed  in 
and  shook  the  President  corjelly  by  the  hand,  dropin  a silent, 
elokent  teer  ez  they  passed.  There  wuz,  in  addishen  to  these, 
several  hundred  poor  wretches  who  hed  bin  layin  about  Wasl> 
ington  for  months  waitin  for  posishens,  but  who  hednT  got  em. 
They  hed  no  money  to  get  home  with,  and  they  insisted  that 
the  President  must  and  shood  furnish  em  means.  One  uv  em 
demanded  uv  Pandall  $500,  but  that  great  man  finally  got 
rid  uv  him  by  loanin  him  a clean  shirt  and  a box  uv  paper 
collars. 

The  man  wuz  deprest,  though  still  hopeful. 

This,’’  sed  he,  wavin  the  shirt  in  air,  this  is  all  I hev 
to  start  on  agin;  when  I embarkt  into  Johnsonism  my  friends 
fell  off.  In  remorse  I took  to  likker,  and  step  by  step  went 
down  till  I became  the  loathsome  objick  yoo  behold.  But  I 
shel  now  reform,  and  try  to  be  somebody.  Disguised  in  this 
shirt  I may  inspire  confidence  and  find  a helpin  hand.  • But 
don’t  none  uv  yoo  speek  to  me  on  the  street.” 

Ez  I saw  him  the  next  evenin,  in  a state  uv  hilarity,  hangin 
to  a lamp-post,  repeatin  porshens  uv  the  late  President’s  fare- 
well address  to  passers  by  without  any  clean  shirt  on,  I judged 
remorse  hed  overcome  him  again,  and  that  the  clean  shirt  hed 
bin  pawned,  poor  fellow  ! 

Then  come  the  most  saddest  scene  uv  all.  The  President 
hed  to  bid  adoo  to  his  Cabinet. 

My  tried  and  trustid  friends,”  he  commenced,  when  Randall 
broke  in  with  the  onfeelin  remark,  that  he’d  better  say  trustid 
friends  ” without  the  tried.” 


5G8 


THE  CABINET. 


My  liege,  ^your  tried  friends’  wuz  in  the  gang  uv  counter- 
feiters which  jist  left  the  presence.  They  wuz  not  only  tried, 
but  convicted.” 

Sekretary  Seward  wuz  vizably  effected.  That  afternoon  he 
had  heerd  uv  an  Island  for  sale,  the  principal  volcano  on  wich 
hed  mostly  stopped  gushin,  and  he  wept  to  think  he  hedn’t 
time  to  complete  negociashens  for  it.  It  wuz  offered  for 
$20,000,000,  and  he  considered  the  price  a mere  bagatelle. 

Sekretary  Welles  wuz  the  only  cheerful  one  in  the  party. 
He  hed  no  idea  that  he  wuz  to  stop  bein  Sekretary  uv  the 
Navy ; he  expectid  to  go  along  ez  tho  nothin  hed  happened. 
Seward  and  Randall  hed  bin  tryin  for  an  hour  to  make  him 
comprehend  the  sitooashen  — that  ther  wuz  to  be  a change  — 
but  to  no  purpose.  He  coodent  get  it  thro  him.  I undertook 
to  impress  it  onto  his  intelleck,  but  my  efforts  wuz  futile. 
Huggin  to  his  buzzum  a model  uv  a Erie  canal  boat  wich  he 
had  determined  to  re-model  into  a revenoo  cutter,  he  kept  on 
sayin,  Why  — why  shood  I go  out  ? I wuz  under  Linkin 
and  then  Johnson.  There  ain’t  no  more  difference  between 
Linkin  and  Johnson  than  there  is  between  Johnson  and  Grant 
— is  there  ? I agreed  with  Linkin  and  with  Johnson,  and  I 
shel  agree  with  Grant,  doubtless.  Why  shood  I differ  with 
Grant  ? ” 

Randall  smiled  a sardonicle  smile  at  the  aged  infant,  and 
remarkin  that  he  (Randall)  hed  hed  a good  time  uv  it  anyhow, 
the  recolleckshen  whereof  the  d — d Abolishnists  coodent  rob 
him  uv,  shook  hands  with  A.  J.,  addin  that  he  didn’t  bear  him 
any  ill  will. 

I’m  a rooined  man,”  continyood  Randall,  but  I’m  ez  much 
to  blame  ez  yoo  are.  I shel  go  into  histry  coupled  with  yoo. 
My  bloomin  boys,  when  they  arrive  at  man’s  estate,  will  apply  to 
the  Legislachers  uv  their  respective  States  to  hev  their  names 
changed  to  suthin  else.  I’m  young,  and  can’t  die  in  a few  yeers, 
ez  Welles  kin,  and  must  therefore  drag  out  a longer  eggsistance, 
but  I don’t  blame  yoo.  I went  into  it,  takin  the  chances,  and  I 
stand  the  hazzard  uv  the  die.  I shel  serve  the  ambishus  youth 
uv  this  country  ez  an  Awful  Eggsaraple.” 

But  little  remained  to  be  done.  Randall  and  Johnson  ar- 
ranged to  hev  Welles  absent  from  Washington  for  the  week 


WHAT  THEY  WILL  DO. 


569 


folio  win  the  inangurashen,  knowin  that  otherwise  he’d  hev  to 
be  carried  out  uv  the  Department  by  force.  They  appintid  a 
committee  uv  Connecticut  men  to  keep  him  busy  till  after  his 
successor  wuz  installed,  and  shakin  hands  all  around,  each 
sheddin  a manly  tear,  the  last  Cabinet  meeting  uv  A.  Johnson’s 
administration  passed  into  histry. 

Uv  the  inauguration  uv  Grant  the  next  day,  I hev  not  the 
heart  to  write.  Suffice  it  to  say  that  niggers  participatid  in  it. 
Niggers  WUZ  on  the  sidewalks,  not  ez  in  the  olden  time,  humble 
and  meek,  but  in  chairs,  waitin  to  see  the  procession  pass, 
amoosin  theirselves  the  while  readin  noospapers. 

Deekin  Pogram,  who  wuz  with  me,  called  my  attenshen  to 
this,  askin  ef  it  wuz  possible  for  a Kentuckian  whose  eyes 
beheld  sich  a site  to  hev  any  further  faith  in  republikin  in- 
stooshens  ? The  old  saint  shuddered  visibly  ez  a nigger  in  a 
dress  coat,  plug  hat,  and  shiny  boots  passed  us,  nearly  knockin 
us  into  the  gut.ter  in  their  haste,  his  wife  onto  his  arm,  dressed 
in  the  heighth  uv  fashion,  with  a panyer.  He  smiled  feebly 
and  in  a bewildered  way,  but  sed  nothin.  The  site  uv  a nigger 
regiment  marchin  in  the  perceshun  finished  the  Deekin.  He 
grew  so  faint  that  I hed  to  take  him  to  his  lodgins.  He  left 
the  same  evenin  for  the  Corners. 

The  members  uv  the  late  Administrashen  hev  not  decided 
wat  to  do.  Browning  will  probably  go  into  a claim  agency  in 
Noo  York.  Kandall  remarkt  that  ef  Sammy  Cox  and  Jack 
Eogers  cood  succeed  in  Noo  York,  he  thot  he  cood.  Mrs.  Cobb 
will  go  to  Noo  York,  and  probably  the  pardon  brokers,  lobby- 
ists, and  sich,  will  do  likewise.  A dozen  or  two  Faro  banks 
packed  up  to-nite,  and  others  will  speedily  follow  em.  In  con- 
sekence  uv  this  breakin  up  in  the  Administrashen  and  its 
supporters,  the  poleece  force  uv  Washington  hez  bin  already 
lessened. 

I shel  accompany  the  late  President  to  Tennessee,  and  take 
my  leave  uv  him  then.  He  will  want  some  faithful  friends  to 
console  him  on  that  dreary  passage,  and  who  so  fit  for  the  offis 
ez  the  undersined  ? I shel  see  him  entombed  in  Greenville, 
and  then  sadly  turn  my  steps  to  Kentucky  and  await  the  ishoo 
uv  evence.  I shel  uv  course  be  turned  out  uv  offis,  and  wat 
will  follow  I know  not.  A.  J.  may  conclood  to  stump  Tennessee 


570 


AN  IRISH  PROCESSION. 


for  the  governorship,  ez  Brownlow  hez  the  paralysis ; if  so,  I 
shel  go  to  his  rescue.  I can’t  now  go  to  Noo  York,  for  that 
city  will  be  overrun.  With  Browning,  Randall,  and  the  thou- 
sands who  go  out  uv  offis  with  them,  in  that  city,  wat  chance 
wood  there  be  for  me  ? 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster.) 

P.  S.  — The  press,  wich  is  now  subsidized,  is  animadvertin 
upon  ex-President  Johnson  for  not  appearin  at  the  inaugura- 
shen.  His  Eggslency  preferred  to  avoid  the  display.  Let 
Grant  start  fair,”  he  nobly  said ; I will  not  mortify  him  by 
giving  the  throng  wich  hez  flocked  here  to  pay  triboots  uv 
respeck  for  me  an  opportoonity  to  hurrah  for  me  ez  the  perces- 
sion  passes.  I hev  swung  around  the  entire  circle  uv  offishel 
honor,  and  kin  afford  to  be  magnanimous.  Let  him  hev  the 
entire  credit  uv  wat  enthoosiasm  is  manifestefd.”  Good  any- 
thing be  more  noble  ? P.  Y.  N. 

CLXXV. 

MR.  NASBY  WITNESSES  A TOOCESSION  OF  THE 
SONS  OF  ERIN. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  ^ 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  U 
March  20,  1869.  ) 

I HAPPENED  to  be  in  Albany,  wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Noo 
York,  on  St.  Patrick’s  Hay,  and  wuz  a gratified  and  pleased 
observer  uv  the  percession.in  honor  uv  the  patron  saint  uv  the 
Green  Isle.  It  wuz  a gorgeous  site,  and  one  wich  warmed  my 
heart.  There  wuz  men  in  cockt  hats  on  horseback,  with  green 
sashes  onto  em;  there  wuz  officers  uv  the  various  societies  in 
carriages,  with  green  sashes  onto  em ; there  wuz  the  sturdy 
sons  uv  Erin  on  foot,  with  green  sashes  onto  em,  all  walkin  or 
ridin,  serene  in  the  knowledge  uv  the  fact  that,  no  matter 
what  cussed  macheens  mite  be  invented  for  diggin  on  rail- 


THE  ENTHUSIASM. 


571 


roads,  or  carryin  brick  and  mortar  to  the  tops  uv  buildins,  none 
nv  em  sed  macheens  cood  ever  vote.  Then  the  enthoosiasm 
nv  the  Dimocratic  offis-holders  uv  Albany  exceeded  anythin  I 
ever  witnest.  The  Dimocratic  members  uv  the  Legislacher, 
and  the  state  and  county  offishils,  wuz  all  in  conspikuos  posish- 
ens,  the  high  ones  bowin  urbanely,  and  the  low  ones  cheerin 
vociferously.  I wuz  at  a winder  uv  the  Delevan  House,  — at 
wich,  ez  I hed  no  baggage,  I bed  taken  the  precaution  to  pay 
in  advance,  for  fear  I mite,  absent-mindedly,  leave  without 
payin  my  board,  wich  I did  at  the  suggestion  uv  the  gentle- 
manly and  urbane  clerk, — when  I wuz  roodly  puslit*  aside 
by  an  impetuous  gentleman.  Noticin  that  he  wuz  a small 
man,  I seized  him,  and  demanded  wat  in  blazes  he  meant  by 
pushin  me.  “ My  dear  sir,”  sed  he,  in  agony,  please  give  me 
yoor  place  — do  give  me  yoor  place  ! I am  a candidate  for 
alderman  next  spring  ! ” Pityin  him,  I yeelded,  and  in  a minit 
he  wuz  a wavin  a green  flag  from  the  winder,  and  shoutin 
Rah  ! ” with  all  the  venom  that  wuz  in  him.  Ez  I lookt  at 
him  and  the  other  expectants,  I cood  not  help  thinkin  wat  a 
happiness  it  must  be  to  be  an  Irishman  in  Ameriky. 

The  next  mornin  I opened  the  ‘paper,  and  read  the  account 
uv  the  banquet  the  previous  evenin.  My  respeck  for  the 
Celtic  race  increased  largely  ez  I read.  .1  learned  from  the 
speeches  made  at  tliat  banquet  by  invited  Dimocratic  guests 
who  wuz  present,  and  the  letters  from  distinguished  Dimo- 
crats  who  hed  been  invitid  but  who  wuz  not  present,  that  the 
Irish  not  only  diskivered  Ameriky,  but  that  they  won  the  in- 
dependence uv  the  colonies,  beat  the  British  in  1812,  carried 
on  the  Mexikin  war,  and  finally,  alone  and  unaided,  put  down 
the  late  onpleasantnis.  One  speeker,  who  expects  to  be  May- 
or uv  Albany,  expresst  it  ez  his  beleef  that  the  magnetic  needle, 
gunpowder,  and  the  telegraff  wuz  the  invenshun  uv  Irishmen. 

The  letters  written  by  the  leadin  Dimocrats  uv  the  State,  to  ^ 
be  read  at  the  banquet,  tetched  me.  Governor  Holfman  paid 
a fittin  triboot  to  St.  Patrick,  and  remarkt  that  it  wuz  the  first 
time  for  years  that  he  hed  omitted  to  take  some  part  in  the 
celebrashen  uv  St.  Patrick’s  Day,  and  the  thought  cut  him  to 
the  quick.  Champlain,  the  Attorney-General  uv  Noo  York, 
remarkt  that  ez  Irishmen  hed  borne  so  honorable  a part  in 


572 


A DREAM. 


everything  that  hez  tended  to  increase  the  moral,  intellectooal, 
and  physikle  strength  uv  the  country,  his  sympathy  twines 
closter  and  closter  around  em,  and  that  he  consekently  shud- 
dered at  the  prospeckt  uv  any  obstruction  being  placed  in  the 
way  uv  their  bein  made  citizens  ez  fast  ez  possible. 

The  other  letters  from  distinguisht  Noo  Yorkers  wuz  mostly 
uv  the  same  tenor. 

Ez  I wuz  readin  this,  and  thinkin  to  myself  how  the  leadin  Dim- 
ocrats  uv  Noo  York  never  forget  that  there’s  an  eleckshen 
ahead,  I fell  asleep,  and  in  that  sleep  I hed  a most  curious  vision. 

Methawt  I wuz  set  ahead  twenty  years.  ' The  fifteenth 
amendment  hed  bin  passed,  and  the  niggers  wuz  all  voters.  I 
wuz  sittin  by  my  winder  in  the  Dele  van  House,  when  the 
sound  uv  brass  moosic  broke  the  fearful  stillnis  that  yoosually 
pervades  the  streets  uv  that  city.  A percession  hove  in  site, 
and,  to  my  horror,  they  wuz  niggers  ! There  wuz  niggers  in 
cockt  hats  on  horseback,  niggers  in  carriages  with  banners, 
and  niggers  on  foot. 

Wat  is  this  ? ” askt  T,  in  indignashen. 

‘‘  Why,  it’s  a celebration  uv  the  birthday  uv  St.  Gumbo,  the 
patron  saint  uv  Afriky  ! ” remarkt  a Dimocratic  alderman,  who 
stood  beside  me.  “Hurrah!  Hurrah!”  shreeked  he,  pushin 
me  asside,  and  bendin  his  head  out  uv  the  winder,  so  ez  to  be 
seen,  wavin  vociferously  a black  flag,  wich  I learned  hed  bin 
adopted  ez  the  nashnel  color  uv  the  Afrikins  in  Ameriky.  The 
enthoosiastic  alderman  wuz  rewarded  for  his  eggsertions  with 
a grashus  smile  from  a pekoolerly  disgustin  black  nigger  with 
a sash  onto  him,  who  wuz  seeted  in  a baroosh. 

“ Rah  ! Rah  ! ” shouted  the  Dimocrisy  from  all  the  winders  ez 
the  percession  filed  by.  Ez  they  wound  their  way  up  to  the 
Capitol,  I notist  the  entire  buildin  wuz  decorated  with  black 
flags  in  honor  uv  the  day,  and  to  my  disgust  I wuz  informed 
that  the  state  officers  wuz  all  Dimocrats. 

In  my  dream  I picked  up  the  Dimocratic  papers  the  next 
morning,  and  read  an  account  uv  the  banquet  that  took  place 
that  evening.  I notist  some  familyer  names  appended  to  ruther 
familyer-looking  letters. 

Hoffman,  who  hed  got  to  be  a Senator,  addrest  the  Chairman 
uv  the  Committee  on  Invitashens  ez  “ Ceezer  Squash,  Esq. : 


LETTERS  OF  REGRET. 


573 


3Iy  deer  sir  ’’ ! and  remarkt  that  it  wuz  the  first  time  for  yeers 
that  he^d  not  taken  some  part  in  the  celebrashen  uv  “ St.  Gum- 
bo’s Day,”  but  biznis  preventid.  He  regrettid  deeply  that  he 
cood  not  be  present  and  jine  in  the  festivities.  Convey  to 
the  noble  sons  of  Afriky  present,”  he  went  on  to  say,  my 
sense  uv  the  honor  conferred  upon  me,  and  my  ashoorance»that 
ez  my  heart  beats,  it  shel  beat  in  yoonison  with  theirn.  I rec- 
ognize the  valyoo  uv  the  Afrikin  populashen  to  our  common 
country,  and  yeeld  to  no  one  in  admirashen  uv  their  noble 
qualities.  I am,  sir,  yoor  most  obedient  servant.” 

Smotherin  my  disgust  at  this  performance,  I read  on. 
Champlain,  who  wuz  by  this  time  Governor  uv  Noo  York, 
hevin  receeved  all  the  nigger  votes,  and  wuz  a candidate  for 
re-elekshun,  remarkt  in  his  letter  that  offishel  biznis  prevented 
him  from  attendin.  It  is  most  nateraf,”  he  remarkt,  for 
Amerikins  to  yoonite  with  Afrikins  everywhere,  and  he  felt  it 
the  more  ez  he  thought  uv  the  honorable  part  the  Afrikins  hed 
borne  in  all  that  hez  tendid  to  increase  the  moral,  intellectooal, 
and  physikle  strength  uv  our  growin  country.” 

The  other  letters  and  toasts  were  ez  much  like  these  ez  two 
peas.  They  all  expressed  highest  devoshen  for  the  Afrikin 
race,  and  the  most  ardent  admirashen  for  the  Afrikin  character. 
One  enthoosiastic  Diniocrat,  who  was  a candidate  for  Prison 
Inspector,  or  suthin,  went  so  far  ez  to  remark  that  he  had  a 
rite  to  be  present,  ez  he  wuz  proud  to  say  his  grandmother,  on 
his  father’s  side,  hed  Afrikin  blood  in  her  veins,  and  out  uv  re- 
gard for  her  he  hed  named  his  two  darlin  children  respectively 
Pompey  and  Phillis. 

He  loved  the  Afrikin  race,  and  wuz  proud  that  he  cood  lay 
his  hand  on  his  heart  and  say,  I too  am  an  Afrikin  ! ” 

Another  lamentid  that  he  cood  not  say  he  hed  Afrikin  blood 
in  his  veins,  and  Fernandy  Wood,  who  still  wantid  to  be  Mayor 
uv  Xoo  York,  proposed  the  health  uv  the  late  Fred  Douglas, 
to  wich  Jim  Brooks  respondid.  John  Morrissey  proposed  the 
memry  uv  Fred  Douglas,  and  Ben  Wood  the  health  uv  William 
Wells  Brown. 

In  fact  so  ardent  wuz  the  admirashen  uv  the  grate  lites  uv 
the  Dimocrisy  for  the  Afrikin,  that,  in  my  dream,  I regretted 
that  I hed  not  bin  born  in  Afriky. 


574 


A CROWNING  DISGRACE. 


At  this  pint  I woke,  pleased  at  findin  that  wat  I hed  seen 
and  read  wuz  all  a dream,  that  the  paper  I held  in  my  hand 
cortainedan  account  uv  an  Irish  and  not  a nigger  celebrashen, 
and  that  the  names  uv  Hoffman  and  Champlain  wuz  appended 
to  letters  addressed  to  Irishmen  only.  But  I wuz  sad  after  all. 
Whep  the  cussid  amendment  is  a part  of  the  soopreme  law  uv 
the  land,  and  the  niggers  hev  votes,  will  not  these  men  court 
em  and  fondle  em  the  same  ez  they  do  other  men  with  ballots  ? 
thought  I.  Will  there  not  be  then  the  same  reason  for  slob- 
berin  Pompey  that  there  now  is  for  slobberin  Patrick?  Will 
not  the  ardent  Dimocrat  in  pursoot  uv  votes  forgit  that  he  is 
uv  the  proud  Caucashen  race,  and  stoop  to  caress  an  inferior  ? 
I fear  me ! 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

CLXXVI. 

THE  CORNERS  OUTRAGED. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  ) 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  V 
April  9,  1869.  ) 

Ef  the  Dimocrisy  uv  the  North  arfft  satisfied  by  this  time 
that  the  ultimate  intenshen  uv  the  Ablishnists  is  to  subjoogate 
em  and  redoose  em  to  the  level  uv  the  nigger,  the  voice  uv 
one  risin  from  the  dead  woodnff  avail  nothin.  Yesterday  the 
last  outrage  wich  a chivalrous  people  has  been  compelled  to 
bear  was  perpetrated  onto  a citizen  of  the  Corners.  A Nigger 
IS  NOW  an  ofpis-holder  at  the  Corners  ! I shel  state  the  case 
calmly. 

The  posishen  uv  Assessor  uv  Internal  Revenoo  for  the  Dees- 
trick  uv  wich  the  Corners  is  the  centre,  hez  bin  held  by  Cap- 
tain Hugh  McPelter,  late  uv  Morgan’s  cavalry,  C.  S.  A.  That 
he  hez  filled  the  posishen  to  the  satisfaction  uv  the  citizens  uv 
the  Corners,  no  one  denies.  He  is  a distiller  — in  fact  he  and 
Elder  Pennibacker  run  the  two  distilleries  in  the  town,  and 


A NIGGER  ASSESSOR. 


575 


they  hev  did  a tlirivin  biznis.  McPelter  wuz  Assessor,  and 
Peimibacker  Collector,  and  ez  a consekence  none  uv  the  capi- 
tal nv  the  Corners  hez  bin  substracted  and  carried  to  Wash- 
ington to  feed  the  Ablishen  theeves  there.  Ez  no  tax  hez  ever 
bin  paid  on  the  whiskey  at  this  place,  Bascom  hez  bin  enabled 
to  continyoo  to  sell  it  at  five  cents  per  drink,  while  everywhere 
else  the  regler  price  is  ten  and  fifteen.  There  wuz  other  ad- 
vantages in  havin  the  Assessorship  and  Collectorship  in  their 
hands.  By  simply  hintin  to  em  that  it  wuz  my  dooty  ez  a 
Fedril  ofiis-holder  to  investigate  their  modes  uv  doin  the  gov- 
ernment biznis,  I hev  not  only  bin  the  happy  recipient  uv 
scores  uv  two  gallon  jugs,  but  I hev  bin  enabled  at  divers  and 
sundry  times  to  prokoor  loans  uv  em  uv  various  amounts,  the 
lowest  bein  $1.75,  and  the  highest  reachin  $20. 

This  happy  condishun  uv  affairs  is  bustid.  Gabrel  Babcock, 
a nigger  — that  is,  a half  nigger  — formerly  the  property  uv 
Deekin  Pogram,  and  who  looks  enuff  like  the  Beekin’s  oldest 
son,  Jehiel,  to  be  his  half-brother,  wuz  last  week  appinted  and 
confirmed  Assessor  in  the  place  uv  Captain  McPelter,  and  im- 
mejitely  he  entered  onto  the  discharge  uv  his  dooties. 

There  are  many  feechers  pekoolyerly  aggravatin  in  the  ap- 
pintment.  To  begin  with,  this  Babcock  wuz  notoriously  ob- 
noxyus  to  the  Corners  doorin  the  late  onpleasantnis.  At  the 
beginnin  thereof  he  run  a^vay  from  Deekin  Pogram  and  entei;ed 
the  Fedral  servis.  He  wuz  partikerly  activ  and  cussid.  His 
knowledge  uv  the  country  made  him  yooseful  to  the  Fedral 
offisers  ez  a guide  and  scout,  and  at  least  one  Fedral  victory 
is  chargeable  direct  to  the  information  he  brot.  Then  his 
wife  wuz  knowd  to  hev  hid  five  Fedral  soljers  who  lied  escaped 
from  Andersonville.  When  he  finally  fell  into  the  hands  uv 
Captain  McPelter  at  Fort  Pillow  kin  it  be  wondered  at  that  he 
wuz  left  for  dead  ? or  kin  it  be  wondered  at  that  the  people 
uv  the  Corners  wuz  surprized  when  he  appeared  among  em  at 
the  close  uv  the  war  with  one  leg  off  and  one  arm  stiff?  Not 
much.  Captain  McPelter  wuzn’t  in  the  habit  uv  half  doin  his 
work,  and  the  appearance  uv  this  nigger  who  hed  passed 
through  his  hands  ruther  astonished  the  captin. 

Doorin  his  absence  he  hed  learned  to  read  and  write,  and 
he  wuz  made  a teecher  in  the  Freedmen’s  Skool  wich  wuz  es- 


576 


THE  POWER  HE  WIELDED. 


tablisht  in  this  place,  and  now  he’s  Assessor,  with  Pollock  on 
his  bond. 

Ez  a matter  uv  course  we  despair  uv  the  republic.  Wat 
freedom  kin  there  be  for  us  with  a nigger  in  offishel  posishen 
to  tyranize  over  us?  Wat  man  uv  culcher,  uv  ejucashen,  uv 
refinement,  kin  afford  to  live  in  a community  where  a disgustin 
mulatto  is  made  not  only  our  ekal  but  our  sooperior  ? 

Deekin  Pogram  said  this  indignantly  to  Joe  Bigler,  who  im- 
mejitly  askt  the  Deekin  whether  or  not  he  didn’t  count  Bab- 
cock’s mother  his  ekal  thirty  years  ago?  Wich  question,  wich 
was  askt  in  the  presence  uv  the  Deekin’s  wife,  who  hez  a tem- 
per, wuz  the  occasion  uv  severe  remarks  between  the  worthy 
pair.  Joe  Bigler  delites  in  openin  old  sores. 

The  first  act  uv  this  Babcock  in  his  offishl  capassity  wuz  the 
shuttin  up  uv  McPelter’s  and  Pennibacker’s  distilleries,  and 
Bascom’s  bar, ‘on  the  skore  that  none  uv  em  hed  ever  taken 
out  licenses,  or  even  paid  any  taxes.  There  wuz  the  most  ter- 
rific ebiilishn  uv  feelin  at  this  act  of  tyranny  that  it  hez'^ever 
bin  my  lot  to  witness. 

Kill  the  d — d nigger  ! ” 

Hang  the  black  cuss  ! ” 

Down  with  the  Afrikin  despot ! ” 

, Shoutid  the  infuriated  citizins.  With  a refinement  uv  crooel- 
ty  wich  cood  only  be  the  offspring  uv  a most  depraved  and 
vishus  mind,  he  shut  up  these  places  at  seven  o’clock  in  the 
mornin,  before  one  uv  the  citizens  hed  hed  his  mornin  bitters  ! 
Hed  he  postponed  it  an  hour  we  might  hev  fought  it  out,  for 
some  one  else  wmuld  hev  prokoored  a supply  before  noon,  and 
things  would  hev  gone  on  normal.  But  here  wuz  the  entire 
populashen  uv  the  Corners  at  7 A.  M.,  with  throats  like  lime- 
kilns, and  nary  a drop  to  be  hed  for  love  or  money.  The  skeem 
wuz  well  considered  and  successful.  The  citizens  cood  hold 
out  but  fifteen  minits,  and  they  surrendered.  They  gave 
bonds,  to  wich  they  all  appended  their  marks,  to  indemnify  the 
government  for  back  taxes,  and  compelled  Bascom  to  take  out 
license.  This  done,  the  nigger,  Avho  wuz  backt  up  by  Bigler 
and  Pollock,  opened  his  doors,  and  the  multitood  surged  in  and 
wuz  satisfied.  To  think  uv  a nigger  holdin  the  destinies  uv 
the  Corners  in  his  hands  ! 


i 

A BLIND  GOVERNMENT.  577 

Ez  a matter  uv  course,  Elder  Pennibacker  will  follow  next ; 
^Mndeed  he  wants  to  resign  now,  for,  sez  he,  with  the  Assessor- 
ship  in  hostile  hands  uv  wat  avail  is  it  to  be  Collector  ? ” And 
then,  how  long  will  my  head  stay  on  my  shoulders?  Is  a nig- 
ger to  take  my  place  ! Already  Bascom  hez  raised  his  price 
to  10  cts.  per  drink,  and  notified  me  that  likker  from  this  time 
out  is  cash,  and  already  hez  Pennibacker  and  McPelter  re- 
foozed  to  lend  me  a cent ! My  kingdom  is  crumblin.  The 
eleckshen  uv  Grant  wuz  the  wedge  wich  is  rivin  me  from  stem 
to  stern.  I shel  be  compelled  to  go  hentz  a broken  man. 
Good  Hevings,  Avhy  coodn’t  I hev  died  while  Johnson  wuz 
still  President ! 

The  blindness  uv  this  present  Administrashen  is  trooly 
astonishen.  Things  wuz  settlin  rapidly  at  the  Corners.  Mc- 
Pelter V7UZ  becomin  pacified,  and  Deekin  Pennibacker  like- 
wise. They  wuz  not  satisfied  with  the  Government,  nor  did 
they  approve  uv  anything  it  did,  but  they  were  passive.  Now 
the  old  sores  is  opened.  Now  McPelter  is  breathin  slaughter, 
and  is  for  lettin  slip  the  dorgs  uv  war.  And  wat  hez  Grant 
got  in  return  ? Why,  a nigger  who  wuz  already  hizzen,  and 
the  two  whites  at  the  Corners  who  voted  for  him  last  fall,  and 
will  agin,  anyhow.  General  Grant  evidently  don’t  mean  to 
pacify  us  — he  ain’t  on  the  soothe,  nor  hez  he  a clear  idea  uv 
wat  is  needed  to  conciliate.  I shel  go  next.  There  is  to  be  a 
meetin  held  next  week  to  protest  agin  these  changes,  but  it 
won’t  avail  nothin.  We  are  all  marked. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  means  Postmaster). 


37 


578 


THE  CARPET-BAG  QUESTION. 


CLXXVII. 

THE  CORNERS  HAVE  A DISCUSSION  AS  TO  THE 
MATTER  OF  CARPET-BAGGERS. 

Post  Office,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 

May  8,  18G9. 

The  presence  nv  Pollock,  the  Illinoy  store-keeper,  at  the 
Corners,  hez  alluz  bin  a source  nv  uneasiness  to  the  old  set- 
tlers— the  bloo  blooded  chivalry,  who  hev  alluz  bin  born  here, 
and  who  hev  lived  here  from  time  immemorial.  An  Illinoyan 
by  birth,  an  Ablishnist  by  perfesion,  and  a Storekeeper  by 
practis,  he  hez,  from  bis  originel  advent  here,  bin  an  unmitiga- 
ted thorn  in  the  side  uv  the  Kentuckians  wich  live  at  the  Cor- 
, ners,  wich  thorn  hez  rankled  and  rankled,  till  it  hez  festered 
and  finally  broke. 

There  are  sevral  reasons  why  he  hez  bin  unpopler.  He 
credited  the  citizens  uv  the  Corners,  on  his  first  arrival,  for 
sich  goods  ez  they  needed,  and  hed  the  impoodence  to  insist 
upon  pay.  Deekin  Pogram,  in  less  than  two  months  from  the 
opehin,  wuz  in  his  debt  suthin  over  a hundred  dollars,  and  the 
wretch  not  only  insisted  on  payment,  but  abslootly  sood  him, 
and  wood  hev  recovered  the  amount,  hed  Squire  Gavitt,  who 
wuz  then  Justis  uv  the  Peace,  ishooed  papers.  Findin  that 
the  officers  uv  the  law  uv  the  Corners  wood  not  interfere  in 
favor  uv  a disturber,  he  refoozed  to  sell  another  dollar’s  worth 
save  for  cash,  and  from  that  time  he  hez  rigidly  adhered  to 
that  rool.  Ez  he  keeps  the  only  stock  uv  dry  goods  there  is  in 
the  Corners,  the  citizens  are  obliged  to  paternize  him,  and  they 
hev  to  pay.  This  iron  hez  bin  entrin  their  soles  for  years,  and 
finally  it  wuz  decidid  to^hist  him,  and  take  the  chances  uv 
somebody  else  comin  in  his  place.  The  ackshen  uv  citizens 
wuz  hastened,  by  the  fact  that  two  friends  uv  hizzen  wuz 
comin  from  his  old  home  in  Illinoy,  to  start  a Wagon  and 
a Cooper  shop  in  the  Corners,  wich  wuz  an  increase  uv  just 
that  number  uv  carpet-baggers,  besides  wat  hands  they  mite 
bring  with  em. 

This  alarmed  our  citizens,  and  it  wuz  felt  nessary  to  take 


JOE  BIGLER  INTERFERES.  579 

steps  to  stop  it.  Accordin  a meetin  wuz  called  uv  the  natives, 
wich  met  last  nite  at  the  church. 

In  assoomin  the  chair  (I  am  ex-offisho  chairman  uv  all  meet- 
ins  held  at  the  Corners),  I remarkt  that  the  exigencis  uv  the 
times  demanded  that  suthin  be  done.  The  peece  and  yoo- 
nanimity  uv  feelin  uv  the  Corners  coold  not  be  disturbed  by 
the  influx  of  carpet-baggers.  The  trooly  Southern  sole  wuz 
wrung,  the  Southern  heart  wuz  bleedin,  but  there  wuz  a pint 
beyond  wich  the  Southern  sole  and  heart  cood  not  go,  and  that 
pint  wuz  carpet-baggers.  The  Southern  heart  loathed*  the 
spawn  of  the  North,  and  the  chivelrous  Southern  sole  cood  not 
and  wood  not  bear  to  hev  Northern  agitators  okkepyin  their 
places  and  bringin  with  em  their  ijees,  wich  were  alluz  in 
opposishen  to  ourn.  Ef  sich  wuz  to  be  the  case,  farewell  the 
sunny  South  and  her  instoosliens.  I ask  in  conclooshin  for  an 
expresion  uv  opinyun  from  the  citizens  assembled. 

To  my  consternashin,  Joe  Bigler  riz,  tho ' where  he  came 
from  I can’t  say.  He  commenst  by  remarkin  that  attachment 
to  one’s  native  soil,  and  a desire  to  hold  office  in  it,  wuz  one  uv 
the  higliest  and  holiest  instinks  uv  our  fallen  nachers.  He 
cood  and  did  sympathize  with  the  chairman  uv  the  meetin 
fully,  and  agreed  with  him  in  everything  he  had  said.  He  did 
not  beleeve  that  needy  advencherers  from  the  cold  and  frozen 
North  shood  come  here  and  possess  theirselves  uv  the  soil  to 
the  excloosion  uv  them  native  and  to  the  manor  born. 
Never ! never ! never  ! He  bed  a Southern  heart  and  a 
Southern  sole,  and  he  wood  never  consent  to  be  crowded  out 
by  them  alien  to  us.  He  hed  drawd  up  resolooshens,  which  he 
begged  to  submit,  viz. : — 

Resolved,  That  the  native  born  citizens  uv  the  Confedrit 
Cross  Roads,  wich  is  in  the  State  uv  Kentucky,  denounces  ez 
disturbers,  interlopers,  and  carpet-baggers,  wich  can’t  be  toler- 
ated, all  those  within  her  borders  wich  wuz  not  born  there. 

Resolved,  That  when  sich  a person  ez  is  contemplated  in  the 
above  resolution  holds  an  offis  or  asks  for  one,  his  presence  is 
pertikelerly  unsufferable. 

Resolved,  That  we  do  to-wunst  clean  out  uv  the  Corners  all 
. sich  persons,  quietly  ef  possible,  but  by  force  ef  needs  be. 

The  resolooshens  struck  the  citizens  favorably,  and  they 


680 


AN  UNEXPECTED  TURN. 


wuz  about  to  pass  em,  Bigler’s  niggers  uv  course  all  votin  for 
em,  when  an  idee  struck  me.  I saw  the  strategy  uv  the  de- 
testable wretch  to-wunst.  It  wuz  me  he  wuz  aimin  at.  I wuz 
the  mark  uv  his  infernal  mashenashens.  I remembered,  for 
the  first  time  in  four  years,  that  I wuz  not  a native  uv  Ken- 
tucky ; that  I wuz  a Northner,  and  that  I had  come  to  Ken- 
tucky an  advencherer  ! In  agony  I arose  and  protested,  but 
too  late!  The  resolooshens  passed  yoonanimusly,  and  Joe 
Bigler  stood  grinnin  at  me  like  a feend. 

“ Now,”  sed  he,  now  that  I kin  act  by  authority,  now  that 
I kin  wunst  more  act  in  accordance  with  the  wishes  uv  my 
fellow-citizens,  from  whom  I hev  bin  so  long  unhappily  separa- 
ted, I perpose  to  go  for  a carpet-bagger.  Parson,  your  time 
hez  come  I ” 

And  the  wretch  made  for  me  vishusly,  and  hed  me  by  the 
throte  in  less  than  a second. 

Immejitly  Bascom,  and  Pennebacker,  McPelter,  and  the  rest 
•interfered,  and  dragged  the  villin  away. 

“ Wat  does  this  mean  ? ” they  askt.  Why  this  assault?  ” 

“ Why  ? Isn’t  the  Parson  afore  us  a carpet-bagger  ? ” askt 
Bigler.  “Wuz  he  born  at  the  Corners  ? Hez  he  a rite  to  stan 
on  the  soil  uv  Kentucky,  and  say,  thank  Hevin,  I too  am  a 
Kentuckian  ! Possibly  I may  hev  misunderstood  the  tenor  uv 
the  resolushens  wich  I writ,  and  wich  yoo  passed,  Ef  so, 
forgive  my  zeal.” 

“ But,  Josef,”  sed  Deekin  Pogram,  “the  Parson  is  not,  ac- 
cordin  to  our  idee,  a carpet-bagger.” 

“ Too  troo,”  said  Bigler,  in  reply ; “ he  hed  no  carpet-bag 
when  he  came.” 

“ That  isn’t  percisely  wat  I mean.  The  Parson  is  a Con- 
stooshnel  Democrat.  He  agrees  with  us  in  sentiment,  and  — ” 

“ A lite  breaks  in  onto  me,’’  remarkt  Bigler.  “ I see  a dis- 
tinkshen.  We  denounce  men  ez  carpet-baggers  and  interlopers 
and  sich,  not  becoz  they  are  carpet  baggers  and  interlopers, 
but  becoz  they  don’t  interlope  accordin  to  yoor  noshens.  The 
Parson  isn’t  objectionable  to  the  Corners,  becoz  the  Parson  kin 
punish  ez  much  sod  corn  whiskey  ez  any  uv  yoo,  and  votes 
the  Demokratic  ticket  with  fearful  regularity ; Pollock  is 
objectionable  becoz  he  don’t  do  these  things,  and  happens  to 


A DEFINITION. 


581 


be  somewat  Ablishen  in  his  tendencies.  Thank  the  Lord,  1 
now  understand  wat  a carpet-bagger  is.  Parson,  I beg  pardon 
for  my  violence,  and  I move  this  resolooshn  ez  a substitute  for 
the  one  yoo  so  inconsiderately  passed. 

Resolved^  That  while  the  citizens  uv  the  Corners  bleeve  in 
perfect  freedom  uv  thot  and  speech,  and  desire  it  above  all 
things,  they  nevertheless  view  with  alarm  the  comin  hither  uv 
Northerners  who  are  Republikins  and  won’t  patronize  Bascom, 
and  we  pledge  ourselves  to  buk  the  heads  uv^sich. 

Resolved^  That  we  bust  the  heads  only  uv  disturbin  carpet- 
baggers. 

“ Resolved^  That  all  Northern  Republikins  corain  here  is  car- 
pet-baggers, and  all  Northern  Dimokrats  is  not. 

‘^This,”sed  Josef,  “ makes  the  matter  plain  to  the  dullest 
comprehension.  Let  em  pass.” 

I objected,  but  Bigler,  stubborn  ez  a pair  uv  mules,  insisted, 
and  ez  by  this  time  the  church  wuz  half  full-uv  niggers,  which 
he  insisted  shood  vote,  ez  they  wuz  not  only  native  born  Ken- 
tuckians, but  many  uv  em  bed  the  best  blood  uv  Kentucky 
runnin  in  their  veins,  it  wuz  passed  over  our  heads,  and  the 
meetin  adjourned,  Bigler  and  Pollock,  follered  by  their  ad- 
herents, goin  off  in  high  glee.  That  cuss  seems  to  take 
a delite  in  spilin  everything  that  the  rest  uv  us  undertake 
to  do.  Ther’s  many  short  corners  in  Dimocrisy  that  must 
be  turned  skillfully,  and  it’s  awkward  to  hev  a man  like 
him  bustin  thro  em  like  a bull  in  a china  shop.  But  he 
can’t  live  alluz. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


582 


THE  LABOR  MOVEMENT. 


CLXXVIII. 

MR.  NASBY  NURSES  THE  LABOR  MOVEMENT 
AT  THE  CORNERS. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads  y 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  ^ 
May  28,  1869.  ) 

The  agitashen  nv  the  question  uv  niggers  labrin  with  white 
men  in  Washington  reached  the  Corners  four  weeks  ago,  and 
perdoost,  ez  mite  hev  bin  expectid,  most  profound  feelin.  Our 
white  artisans  assembled  to-wunst  and  passed  resolooshens  in 
sympathy  with  their  brethren  in  Washington,  and  urgin  uv  em 
to  hold  out  to  the  bitter  end  rather  than  compermise  their 
dignity  by  lowerin  themselves  to  the  level  uv  the  greasy  Afri- 
ken.  The  meetin  wuznt  a large  one,  for  we  hev  only  five 
mechanics  uv  the  hawty  Caucashen  race  at  the  Corners,  but  it 
wuz  enthoosiastic.  Three  uv  the  five  hed  bin  at  Bascom’s  four 
days,  hevin  bin  jist  paid  off  by  a new-comer,  for  a house  they 
hed  repaired  for  him,  and  they  wuz  in  a frame  uv  mind  for 
most  anything  that  wuz  eggscitin. 

I directed  the  attenshun  uv  these  men  to  the  fact  that  a nig- 
ger plasterer  wuz  even  at  that  time  employed  in  plasterin  a 
house  between  the  Corners  and  Garrettstown,  and  I askt  era 
ef  they  wuz  content  to  lay  still  and  see  an  inferior  race  take 
the  bread  out  uv  their  mouths  in  that  way  ? I implored  em, 
ez  labrin  men,  to  preserve  the  dignity  uv  labor.  Shel  niggers 
invade  yoor  okkepashens  ? 

They  wuznt  none  uv  em  plasterers,  but  they  replied,  Never  ! 
Never  ! ’’  and  demanded,  with  the  utmost  promptitood,  to  be 
showd  the  wretch,  that  they  mite  go  for  him.  But  I restraned 
em  till  I hed  organized  em  into  a Free  Labor  Unyun,  which 
perhibited  anybody  from  workin  at  anythin  wdiich  didnT  jine 
it,  and  wich  perhibitid  niggers  from  jinin  it.  This  preliminary 
work  accomplished,  I remarkt,  “ Follow  me  ! They  did  it 
with  alacrity. 

On  reachin  the  house  w^e  halted,  and  there  our  eyes  rested 
onto  a site  wich  blarsted  em.  There  wuz  a nigger,  a full- 
blooded  nigger,  with  a cap  onto  him,  and  overalls,  plasterin 


THE  NIGGER  PLASTERER. 


583 


away,  whistlin  and  singin  (sometimes  one,  sometimes  another, 
and  then  agin  both  to-wunst)  Methodist  hymns.  And  ever 
and  anon  the  nnthinkin  man  of  inferiority  wood  stop  and  exe- 
coot  a break-down,  and  laff  to  hisself,  so  that  he  could  be 
heard  a mile.  The  disgustin  wretch  displayed  his  grovelin 
nacher  by  drinkin  water  out  uv  a bucket  wich  he  hed  handy 
by  him. 

We  made  short  work  uv  it.  We  informed  him  that  the 
laborers  uv  the  Corners  hed  organized  a Union,  and  that  no 
one  cood  be  permitted  to  work  within  its  boundaries  ceptin 
members  thereof. 

Berry  well  ! ” remarkt  the  Afrikin  cuss,  calmly  puttin  on  a 
dab  uv  mortar  and  smoothin  it,  berry  well  ! V\\  jine  the 

Yoonyuri.” 

‘‘  But  you  can’t.  No  nigger  can  be  admitted.” 

Den  I specks  I shel  hev  to  go  on  and  work  widont  bein  a 
member.  De  ole  woman  and  de  babies  must  hab  dar  bread, 
yoo  know.” 

Sich  insolence  cood  not,  uv  course,  be  tolerated.  We  hed 
stated  the  case  to  him  calmly  and  dispassionately.  We  hed 
'informed  him  uv  the  laws  we.  hed  made,  and  this  wretch  de- 
liberately defied  us,  by  insistin  that  he  shood  go  on  with  his 
work  ! Ther  wuz  but  one  course  to  take,  and  we  took  it.  We 
snaked  the  platform  out  from  under  him ; we  tore  up  his 
mortar  bed  ; we  broke  his  trowel  and  other  tools,  and  notified 
him  offi shelly  that  any  attempt  at  resoomin  work  would  result 
in  lynchin  uv  him. 

The  next  day  we  found  that  the  nigger  hed  in  trooth  quit 
plasterin,  but  hed  found  employment  ez  a striker  in  a black- 
smith shop.  Uv  course  sich  an  outrage  on  the  pure  Caucashen 
employed  in  that  shop,  wich  his  name  wuz  O’Toole,  cood  not 
be  permitted,  and  ez  O’Toole  refoosed  to  work  with  him,  he 
wuz  discharged.  The  next  day  I notist  him  on  the  streets, 
rather  pale  and  haggard  than  otherwise,  carryin  home  a shin 
bone  uv  beef  wich  he  hed  bought.  The  next  day  after  I ob- 
served that  he  lookt  better,  and  I diskivered  that  he  hed  found 
employment  at  last  on  a turnpike  road  wich  is  bein  built  east 
uv  the  town.  Issaker  Gavitt  and  me,  the  two  champions  uv 
labor  for  this  seckshun  (ez  we  don’t  work  we  hev  time  to 


684 


HIS  FATE. 


attend  to  it),  sejested  to  the  noble  Celts  employed  on  the  job 
the  hidjusnis  uv  compellin  em  to  work  on  an  ekality  with  a 
nigger,  and  they  struck  agin  it  with  the  yoosual  result.  The 
nigger  wuz  discharged.  He  made  but  one  or  two  more  efforts. 
He  undertook  to  git  work  at  various  places,  but  by  this  time 
it  wuz  well  enuff  knowd  that  the  citizens  uv  the  Corners  wuz 
inflexibly  opposed  to  the  recognisin  uv  em  in  any  capassity, 
and  he  yeelded.  He  got  very  thin,  and  pale,  and  haggard,  and 
his  large  family  likewise.  It  wuz  evident  that  they  wuznt 
feelin  very  well  at  home.  Notis  the  natei’al  result  of  freedom  ! 
He  ABSLOOTLY  BEGGED  ! Blit  UV  coiirse  the  Corners  wood  give 
nothin  to  a nigger.  Then  the  instinktiv  nateral  cussidness  uv 
the  nigger  — the  infernal  depravity  wich  is  inherent  into  all 
uv  em  — began  to  display  itself.  He  demoralized  rapidly,  and 
in  a week  became  a most  disgustin  objick.  He  stole  chickens 
uv  Deekin  Pogram,  leastways  Deekin  Pogram’s  chickens  wuz 
missin,  and  who  should  hev  stole  em  but  this  nigger  ? He  stole 
corn  uv  Elder  Pennebacker,  and  wuz  finally  detected  takin  a 
ham  from  Bascom^s  smoke-house.  There  wuz  no  doubt  ez  to 
his  guilt ; he  wuz  taken  in  the  act,  with  the  fatal  ham  in  his 
possession.  He  hed  taken  it  home,  and  his  wife  wuz  fryin 
large  slices  uv  it. 

There  cood  be  but-  one  endin  to  sicli  a succession  uv  crimes.  ' 
The  citizens  were  too  much  incensed  to  await  the  uncertain 
ackshen  uv  the  law,  and  they  hung  him  at  site.  The  Corners 
will  never  tolerate  a nigger  theef  in  their  midst,  no  how. 

Uv  course  I improved  the  occasion.  Ez  his  body  wuz  a 
swingin  in  the  air,  I askt  our  people  to  behold  the  fruits  of 
Badicalism  and  Fanatycism.  That  nigger  wuz  wunst  the  hq,ppy 
slave  uv  a happy  owner  ; there  wuz  atween  em  a nateral  re- 
lashen.  The  nigger  workt,  and  his  owner  eat,  and  thus  wuz 
fulfilled  the  entire  dooties  uv  life.  He  wuz  not  hnng  then,  for 
he  wuz  worth  too  much  money  to  hang.  How  hed  it  bin  with 
him  sense  ? He  demanded  to  be  made  a free  man  ; he  wuz 
made  a free  man,  and  here  he  is.  I told  em  that  there  wuz  no 
need  uv  sayin  more  ; that  body  a danglin  in  the  air,  wich  its 
sole  wuz  a marchin  on,  wuz  the  most  elokent  sermon  wich  cood 
be  preacht. 

The  man  whose  house  the  nigger  wuz  a plasterin  wuz  in 


A COMMERCIAL  CONVENTION. 


585 


town  yesterday,  tryiii  to  get  Caucasliin  plasterers  to  finish  the 
job  ; but  ez  ther  ain’t  none  uv  em  here,  he  isn’t  succeedin  very 
well.  He  probably  won’t  get  into  his  new  quarters  this  fall. 

1 am  not  certain  wot  become  uv  his  family.  There  wuz  a 
nigger  woman’s  body  pulled  out  uv  the  dam  a day  or  two  after- 
wards, wich  somebody  remarkt  wuz  the  wife  uv  the  deceast, 
and  Captain  McPelter  remarkt  that  when  he  went  to  the  cabin 
uv  the  deceest  nigger  to  secoor  his  share  of  the  furnitoor,  that 
two  leadin  niggers  from  Garrettstown  were  notist  makin  off 
with  the  children.  But  there’s  no  tellin  whether  there’s  any 
trooth  in  these  rumors  or  not.  I think  I shel  go  to  Washington, 
and  put  myself  at  the  head  uv  the  anti-nigger  labor  movement 
now  bein  inogurated  there. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 

CLXXIX. 

MR.  NASBY  AND  HIS  CONFRERES  HOLD  A COM- 
MERCIAL  CONVENTION  AT  THE  CORNERS. 

Post  Offis,  Confedrit  X Roads 

(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 
June  3,  1869. 

Confedrit  X Roads  cannot  be  said  to  be,  in  the  Northern 
sense  of  the  term,  a prosperous  town.  The  fact  is,  its  railroad 
facilities  are  not  uv  the  best,  the  nearest  one  to  us  bein  some 
twelve  miles  away,  and  its  other  roads  are  not  so  gorgious  ez 
cood  be  desired.  They  are  passable  for  wagons  in  Joon,  July, 
and  August ; for  mules  in  April,  May,  September,  and  October; 
and  the  balance  uv  the  time  they  mite  possibly  be  navigated 
by  flat  boats,  ef  the  citizens  hed  anything  in  pertikeler  to 
leave  the  town  for,  or  ef  anybody  pertikelerly  desired  to  come 
to  it. 

The  citizens,  now  that  they  are  onct  agin  in  full  akkord  with 
the  General  Government,  and  bein  thoroughly  reconstructid, 


586 


THE  DELEGATES  AND  OFFICERS. 


felt  that  they  hed  borne  neglect  uv  their  interests  in  silence 
ez  long  ez  they  cood  be  expected  uv  the  impetuous  Southern 
nacher  ; and  also,  that  the  time  hed  come  when  the  leadin  cities 
uv  the  South  shood  make  some  effort  to  avail  themselves  uv 
the  nateral  advantages  uv  their  position,  and  wrest  from  the 
North  the  full  share-  uv  the  trade  uv  the  Continent,  to  which 
they  are  entitled.  We  uv  the  Cross  Roads  felt  that  we  hed 
too  long  acceptid  a second  rate  commershel  posishen,  and  we 
felt  that  we  cood  not  endoor  it  longer.  It  wuz  therefore  re- 
solved to  hold  a commershel  convenshen  at  the  Cross  Roads, 
to  take  these  matters  into  considerashen,  with  sich  others  as 
mite  suggest  therselves. 

Invitashens  wuz  sent  to  all  the  principal  leaders  uv  the 
Southern  masses,  and  uv  em  it  wuz  confidently  expected  that 
Breckinridge,  Lee,  and  Boregard  wood  be  present. 

The  convenshen  assembled  on  the  day  sot.  It  was  one  uv 
the  largest  and  most  enthoosiastic  it  hez  ever  been  my  lot  to 
attend.  There  was  delegates  present  from  Secessionville, 
Davistown,  Boregard,  and  all  the  towns  in  that  section  uv  the 
State,  representin  the  intelligence  and  wealth  uv  the  real  old 
Kentucky  stock  uv  those  localities. 

General  McDingus,  late  C.  S.  A.,  uv  Secessionville,  wuz  made 
President,  with  thirty-two  Vice  Presidents,  wich  comprised  all 
the  delegates  present.  This  wuz  done,  ez  all  uv  em  seemed  to 
want  to  be  officers. 

General  McDingus  stated  the  object  uv  the  convenshen  to  be 
the  devisin  uv  means  to  increase  the  commercial  importance 
of  the  section,  to  develop  her  resources,  to  increase  her  manu- 
fakterin  interests,  and  to  show  the  recooperative  power  the 
South  possesses.  Kentucky  wants  manufakters,  Kentucky 
wants  populashen,  and  to  devise  means  uv  gittin  these  is  the 
objick  uv  our  assemblin.  He  begged  the  members  to  com- 
mence to-wunst. 

Kernel  McPelter,  from  the  Committee  on  Invitashens,  wuz 
about  to  perceed  to  read  Jetters  he  hed  received  from  promi- 
nent Southerners,  when  Captain  Podgers,  of  Davistown,  begged 
leave  to  offer  a resolooshen.  He  saw  sittin  in  the  convenshen, 
with  ez  much  ashooreijce  ez  tho  he  hed  a rite  there,  a wretch, 
with  whose  name  he  woodent  sully  his  mouth,  who  hed  come 


BLACK  SHEEP.  587 

from  Massychoo  — - no,  he  woodent  sully  his  mouth  with  the  name 
uv  that  State  — from  a ablishn  State,  and  hed  startid  in  Davis- 
town  a factory  for  makln  pig  iron  ! employin  therein  tliirty-five 
men,  which  hed  hot  a plantashen  uv  a distrest  planter,  and  put 
thereon  twenty  houses,  a skool-house,  and  a church  ! He  stig- 
matized this  man  ez  a carpet-bagger.  He  hed  been  repeetedly 
warned  by  the  citizens  uv  Davistown  to  leave,  but  he  hed  lafFt 
at  the  warnin.  On  threatenin  his  factory,  he  hed  armed  his 
operatives  with  double-barrelled  shot  guns,  and  with  those  hed 
held  the  citizens  at  bay.  This  man  hez  strength  enulf  to  keep 
up  his  factry,  but  he  shel  not  sit  in  convenshen  with  Southern 
gentlemen. 

Major  Bangum  remarkt  that  at  Boregard  they  hed  a diffrent 
way  uv  meetin  these  difficulties.  A carpet-bagger  from  Penn- 
sylvany  undertook  to  start  a store  at  Boregard,  but  we  nipt  it 
in  the  bud  at  the  beginnin.  We  gave  him  twenty-four  hours 
to  leave,  and  he  left.  Hed  Captain  Podgers  commenst  in  time, 
afore  the  evil  took  root,  it  cood  hev  bin  eradicated. 

Deekin  Pogram  statid  that  an  attempt  hed  bin  made  to  plant 
a cotton  factry  on  a water-power  at  Confedrit  X Roads,  and 
give  in  detail  the  method  adoptid  to  prevent  it,  both  speeches 
bein  receeved  with  cheers,  Avhich  showd  that  the  Southern 
heart  wuz  still  ez  Soutliern  ez  ever. 

Captain  Podgers  offered  the  followin  resolooshen  : — 

Eesolved,  That  all  carpet-baggers  be  requested  to  leave  the 
Hall  doorin  the  session  uv  the  Convenshen. 

It  was  carried  with  loud  applause,  after  which  Captain  Mc- 
Pelter  read  the  letters  he  hed  received,  or  rather  passed  over 
em  to  me  to  read,  ez  I do  the  most  uv  it  for  the  Corners. 

Jefferson  Davis  — President  Davis,  I exclaimed,  ez  I kist 
the  letter  — regretted  that  he  could  not  be  present.  His  heart 
still  beats  for  the  Sunny  South  — 

I cood  get  no  further  with  the  readin  uv  this  epistle.  The 
most  enthusiastic  and  vociferous  cheers  it  hez  ever  bin  my  lot 
to  hear  broke  from  the  throng  in  the  buildin.  Captain  McPelter 
endin  with  the  genooine  Southern  chargin  yell,  at  wich  the 
niggers  in  the  vicinity  uv  the  buildin  grew  pale  and  took  to 
the  woods.  TheyM  heard  it  before,  and  not  bein  advised  that 
the  meetin  wuz  purely  a Commershal  Convenshen,  they  wuz 
seriously  affrighted. 


588 


THE  WORK  DONE. 


General  Boregard  regretted  that  he  cood  not  be  present, 
but  — 

Agin  I wuz  inter ruptid  by  cheers,  wich  made  the  very  roof 
shake,  and  the’ members  uv  the  Convenshen  threw  up  their 
hats  to  an  extent  wich  fairly  darkened  the  air. 

Letters  wuz  attempted  to  be  read  from  other  noted  leaders 
uv  the  South  in  the  late  unpleasantnis  with  the  vandals  uv 
subjugatin  States,  but  at  the  menshen  uv  each  uv  their  names 
the  cheerin  wuz  so  extraordinarily  vociferous  ez  to  prevent 
anything  bein  heard. 

At  this  pint,  while  the  enthusiasm  wuz  at  its  highest  pitch, 
Deekin  Pogram  riz,  and  remarkt  that  Confedrit  X Roads  wuz, 
he  wuz  aware,  painfully  defishent  in  many  things.  They  hed 
but  one  store,  and  that  wuz  run  by  a despicable  carpet-bagger, 
and  Bascom’s  whiskey  wuz  not  alluz  uv  the  best ; but  one  thing 
she  could  boast  uv,  namely,  her  wimmen.  Stand  up.  Mi- 
randy  ! ” he  remarkt  to  that  gushin  damsel ; and  the  others 
in  the  gallery  may  ez  well  rise  likewise,’’  wich  they  all  did, 
wavin  Confedrit  flags,  and  bustin  out  into  that  ever-inspirin 
anthem,  The  Bonny  Bloo  Flag.”  “ There,”  remarkt  the 
Deekin,  there  is  our  jewels.  Three  cheers  for  our  daugh- 
ters I ” 

The  efleck  uv  this  was  somewhat  spiled  by  a dozen  or  more 
quadroons,  risin  with  Mirandy  and  the  rest  uv  em  ! That  ojus, 
demoralizin  viliin,  Joe  Bigler,  who  delites  in  spilin  tetchin 
tabloos,  hed  em  snug  in  the  gallery  all  the  time,  and  he  sprung 
em  onto  us  thus  crooelly ! 

General  Belter,  uv  Boregard,  offered  a resolooshen  denouncin 
the  reconstruckshen  measures.  President  Grant  and  his  Cabi- 
net, the  oppressive  Nashnel  debt,  carpet-baggers,  and  the 
Republican  party ; Major  Flair  offered  one,  implorin  the 
Northern  Dimocracy  to  stand  firm  agin  the  constooshnel 
amendment ; Captain  McPelter  one,  insistin  on  the  revokashen 
uv  all  laws  bearin  onto  those  who  had  served  on  the  side  uv 
State  rites  doorin  the  recent  collision  uv  States;  all  of  wich 
was  adopted  enthoosiastically,  when  the  convenshen  adjourned, 
sine  die. 

The  delegates,  congratulatin  each  other  on  the  noble  work 
that  hed  bin  done  for  the  South  that  day,  took  a partin  drink  at 


A SINGULAR  OMISSION. 


589 


Bascom’s  at  the  expense  uv  our  citizens,  wich  Bascom  wood 
not  set  it  out  till  some  responsible  citizen,  wich  hed  land  with 
not  more  than  two  mortgages  on,  wood  make  hisself  responsible 
for  em,  and  wuz  a gittin  into  the  wagons  to  dust  out  to  their 
respective  homes,  when  one  uv  em  remarkt  — 

“ WeVe  forgot  one  tiding  ! 

‘‘No  we  hevint,”  remarkt  General  Dingus.  “ WeVe  done 
every  thing  that’s  yoosual  at  Southern  commercial  convenshens. 
We’ve  cheered  for  Davis  and  Boregard  ; we’ve  admired  the 
women,  denounst  the  ablishen  party,  and  demanded  our  rites 
— wat  more  wuz  there  to  do  ? ” 

“ We  haint  sed  a cussid  word  about  commerce.” 

“ Thunder  ! ” remarkt  the  General,  “ it’s  a fact.  D — d ef  it 
didn’t  slip  my  memry  entirely.  We  must  assemble  agin.” 

And  the  meetin  was  again  convened. 

The  work  was  accomplished  in  short  order.  Resolooshens 
wuz  passed  demandin  the  buildin  uv  a railroad  by  the  ginral 
Government  from  Davistown  to  Secessionville,  and  four  differ- 
ent lines  uv  road  to  the  Pacific,  with  branches  endin  at  Con- 
fedrit  x Roads,  Secessionville,  Davistown,  Boregard,  and  sich 
other  towns  ez  mite  consider  it  to  their  interest  to  hev  em. 
In  addition  to  these  it  wuz  demandid  that  dredges  be  taken 
from  the  harbors  on  Lake  Erie  and  other  Northern  waters,  and 
kept  twelve  months  in  the  year  at  work  in  Camp  Run  to  keep 
it  navigable  to  the  Ohio  river  for  boats  uv  all  classes.  A reso- 
looshen  wuz  offered  demandin  uv  the  Government  the  buildin 
of  a levee  around  Deekin  Pogram’s  farm,  a part  uv  wich  is 
frekently  overflowed  in  the  spring  and  fall,  and  also  the  gravlin 
or  plankin  uv  the  roads  in  the  county,  but  it  wuz  considered 
best  to  withdraw  these,  ez  they  didn’t  feel  like  askin  too  much 
to-wunst.  Other  resolooshens  wuz  passed,  demandin  recom- 
pense for  the  loss  uv  niggers,  and  property  destroyed  doorin 
the  war,  in  order  that  there  might  be  that  harmony  so  much 
to  be  desired  between  the  Government  and  Kentucky,  and  the 
meetin  adjourned,  this  time  for  keeps.  Ef  these  acts  uv  justis 
is  done,  well  and  good  ; ef  not,  Kentucky  protests.  The  Con- 
venshen  hez  hopes  uv  results  follerin  its  ackshen. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  is  Postmaster). 


590 


OUT  OF  OFFICE. 


CLXXX. 

MR.  NASBY  AT  LAST  LOSES  HIS  POST  OFFICE. 

On  a Farm,  Three  Miles  from  (S^onfedrit  X Roads  ^ 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky),  C 
June  29,  18G9.  ) 

The  die  is  cast ! The  guilloteen  hez  fallen  ! I am  no  longer 
Postmaster  at  Confedrit  X Roads,  wicli  is  in  the  State  uv 
Kentucky.  The  place  wich  knowd  me  wunst  will  know  me  no 
more  forever ; the  paper  wich  Deekin  Pogram  takes  will  be 
handed  out  by  a nigger ; a nigger  will  hev  the  openin  uv  let- 
ters addressed  to  parties  residin  hereabouts,  containin  remit- 
tances ; a nigger  will  hev  the  riflin  uv  letters  addrest  to  lottry 
managers,  and  extractin  the  sweets  therefrom  ; a nigger  will 
be.  — But  I can’t  dwell  upon  the  disgustin  theme  no  longer. 

I hed  bin  in  Washington  two  weeks  assistin  the  Caucashens 
uv  that  city  to  put  their  foot  upon  the  heads  uv  the  cussid 
niggers  who  ain’t  content  to  accept  the  situashen  and  remain 
ez  they  alluz  hev  bin,  inferior  beins.  To  say  I hed  succeeded, 
is  a week  expreshen.  I organized  a raid  onto  em  so  effectoo-, 
ally  ez  to  drive  no  less  than  thirty  uv  em  out  uv  employment, 
twenty-seven  uv  wich  wuz  compelled  to  steel  their  bread,  wich 
give  us  a splendid  opportoonity  to  show  up  the  nateral  cussid- 
ness  uv  the  Afrikin  race,  wich  we  improved. 

On  my  arrival  at  the  Corners,  I knew  to-wunst  that  suthin 
wuz  wrong.  The  bottles  behind  the  bar  wuz  draped  in  black ; 
the  barrels  wuz  festooned  gloomily  (wich  is  our  yoosual  method 
of  expressin  grief  at  public  calamities),  and  the  premises  gen- 
erally wore  a funeral  aspeck. 

Wat  is  it  ? ” gasped  I. 

Bascom  returned  not  a word,  but  waved  his  hand  towards 
the  Post  Offis. 

Rushin  thither,  I bustid  open  the  door,  and  reeled  almost 
agin  the  wall.  At  the  general  delivery  wuz  the  grinnin 
FACE  uv  A nigger  ! and  settin  in  my  chair  wuz  Joe  Bigler, 
with  Pollock  beside  him,  smokin  pipes,  and  laffin  over  suthin 
in  a noosepaper. 


The  Guillotine  has  Fallen  on  Postmaster  Nasby.  Page  590. 


A PnOCESSION. 


591 


Bigler  caught  site  of  me,  and  dartin  out,  pulled  me  inside 
them  hitherto  sacred  precinks. 

Permit  me,”  sed  he,  jeerinly,  ‘‘  to  interdoose  you  to  yoor 
successor,  Mr.  Geezer  Lubby.” 

My  successor  ! Wat  does  this  mean  ? ” 

“ Show  him,  Geezer  ! ” 

And  the  nigger,  every  tooth  in  his  head  shinin,  handed  me  a 
commishn  dooly  made  out  and  signed.  I saw  it  all  at  a glance. 
I bed  left  my  biznis  in  the  hands  uv  a depetty.  It  arrived  the 
day  after  I left,  and  Isaker  Gavitt,  who  distribbited  the  mail, 
gave  it  to  the  cuss.  Pollock  made  out  the  bonds  and  went 
onto  em  himself,  and  in  ten  days  the  commishn  come  all  regler, 
whereupon  Bigler  backt  the  nigger  and  took  forcible  posses- 
sion uv  the  office.  While  I wmz  absent  they  hed  hed  a perces- 
sion  in  honor  uv  the  joyful  event,  sed  perceshn  consistin  uv 
Pollock,  Bigler,  and  the  new  Postmaster,  who  marched 
through  the  streets  with  the  stars  and  stripes,  banners  and 
sich.  Bigler  remark!  that  the  percession  wuzn’t  large,  but  it 
wuz  talented,  eminently  respectable,  and  extremely  versateel. 
He  (Bigler)  carried  the  flag  and  played  the  fife  ; Pollock 
carried  a banner  with  an  inscripshen  onto  it,  “ Sound  the  loud 
timbrel  o’er  Egypt’s  dark  sea,”  and  played  the  bass  drum  ; 
while  the  nigger  bore  aloft  a banner,  inscribed,  “Where  Afric’s 
sunny  foimtins  roll  down  the  golden  sands,”  with  his  commis- 
sion pinned  onto  it,  playin  in  addishen  a pair  uv  anshent  cym- 
bals. Bigler  remark!  further  that  the  perceshun  created  a 
positive  sensashun  at  the  Gorners,  wich  I shood  think  it  wood. 
“It  wuzn’t,”  sed  the  tormentin  cuss,  “very  much  like  the 
grand  percession  wich  took  place  when  yoo  received  yoor 
commishn.  Then  the  whites  at  the  Gorners  wuz  elated,  for 
they  spectid  to  git  wat  yoo  owed  em  in  doo  time,  and  the  nig- 
gers wuz  correspondinly  deprest.  They  sluitk  into  by-ways 
and  side-ways  ; they  didn’t  hold  up  their  heads,  and  they  dusted 
out  ez  fast  ez  they  cood  git.  At  this  percession  there  wuz  a 
change.  The  niggers  lined  the  streets  ez  we  passed,  grinnin 
exultinly,  and  the  whites  wuz  deprest  correspondinly.  It’s 
singler  that  at  the  Gorners  the  two  races  can’t  feel  good  both 
at  the  same  time.” 

My  arrival  hevin  become  known,  by  the  time  I got  back  to 


692 


TROUBLE. 


Bascora’s  all  my  friends  bed  gathered  there.  There  wuznt  a 
dry  eye  among  em ; and  ez  I thot  iiv  the  joys  once  tastid,  but 
now  forever’ fled,  mine  moistened  likewise.  There  wiiz  a visi- 
ble change  in  their  manner  towards  me.  They  regarded*  me 
with  solisitood,  but  I cood  discern  that  the  solisitood  wuz 
not  so  much  for  me  ez  for  themselves. 

Wat  shel  I do  ? ’’  I askt.  “ Suthiii  must  be  devised,  for  I 
can’t  starve.” 

Pay  me  wat  yoo  owe  me  ! ” ejakelatid  Bascom. 

Pay  me  wat  yoo  owe  me  ! ” ejakelatid  Deekin  Pogram,  and 
the  same  remark  wuz  made  by  all  uv  em  with  wonderful  yoo- 
nanimity.  Watever  differences  uv  opinyun  ther  mite  be  on 
other  topics,  on  this  they  wuz  all  agreed. 

Gentlemen  ! ” I commenced,  backing  out  into  a corner,  is 
this  generous  ? Is  this  the  treatment  I hev  a right  to  expect? 
Is  this  — ” 

I shood  hev  gone  on  at  length,  but  jist  at  that  minnit  Pol- 
lock, Joe  Bigler,  and  the  new  Postmaster  entered. 

I hev  biznis  ! ” sed  the  Postmaster  ; not  agreeable  biznis, 
but  it’s  my  offishel  dooty  to  perform  it.” 

At  the  word  ‘‘  offishel,”  comin  from  his  lips,  I groaned,  wich 
wuz  ekkoed  by  those  present. 

‘‘  I hev  in  my  hand,”  continyood  he,  de  bond  giben  by  my 
predecessor,  onto  wich  is  de  names  uv  George  W.  Bascom, 
Elkanah  Pogram,  Hugh  McPelter,  and  Seth  Pennibacker,  ez 
sureties.  In  dis  oder  hand  I hold  a skedool  ob  de  property 
belongin  to  de  ’partment  wich  wuz  turned  ober  to  him  by  his 
predecessor,  consistin  of  table,  chairs,  boxes,  locks,  bags,  et 
settry,  wid  sundry  dollars  worf  of  stamps,  paper,  twine,  &c. 
None  ob  dis  post  offis  property,  turned  over  to  my  predecessor 
by  his  predecessor,  is  to  be  found  in  de  offis,  and  de  objick  ob 
dis  visit  is  to  notify  yoo  dat  onless  imrnejit  payment  be  made 
uv  the  amount  thereof,  I am  directed  by  de  ’partment  to  bring 
soot  to-wunst  against  the  sed  sureties.” 

Never  before  did  I so  appreciate  A.  Johnson,  and  his 
Postmaster-General  Bandall.  Under  their  administrashen 
wat  Postmaster  wuz  ever  pulled  up  for  steelin  anythin? 
Eko  ansers.  This  wuz  the  feather  that  broke  the  camel’s 
back. 


DESPAIR. 


593 


“ Wat ! ” exclaimed  Bascom,  sbel  I lose  wat  yoo  owe  me, 
and  then  pay  for  wat  yoo’ve  stole  ? 

Sliel  1 lose  the  money/’  sed  Pogram,  “ wich  I lent  yoo,  and 
in  addishen  pay  a Ablishen  government  for  property  yoo’ve 
confiscated  ? ” 

But  the  property  is  here,”  I remarkt  to  Bascom ; yoo’ve 
got  it  all.  Why  not  return  it,  and  save  all  this  trouble.” 

Wat  wood  I bev  then  for  the  whiskey  yoo’ve  consoomed  ? ” 
be  ejakelated  visbusly.  It’s  all  I’ve  ever  got  from  you ; and 
I’ve  bin  keepin  yoo  for  four  years.” 

Dirln’t  that  property  pay  yoo  for  the  likker  ? ” I asked ; but 
Bascom  wuz  in  no  humor  for  figgers,  and  be  pitched  into  me, 
at  wich  pleasant  pastime  they  all  follered  soot.  But  for  Joe 
Bigler,  they  wood  bev  killed  me.  Ez  it  wuz  they  blackt  both 
my  eyes,  and  rolled  me  out  onto  the  sidewalk,  shuttin  the  door 
agin  me. 

Ez  I beard  that  door  slam  to,  I felt  that  all  wuz  lost.  No 
offis  ! no  money  ! and  Bascom’s  closed  agin  me  1 Kin  there  be 
a harder  fate  ? I passed  the  nite  with  a farmer  three  miles 
out,  who,  bein  sick,  hedn’t  bin  to  the  Corners,  and  consekently 
knowd  nothin  nv  the  changes. 

I heard  the  next  day  the  result  nv  the  ruckshun.  Bascom 
returned  sich  nv  the  property  ez  hedn’t  been  sold  and  con- 
soomed, wich  consisted  uv  the  boxes.  The  chairs  hed  bin 
broken  up  in  the  frekent  shindies  wich  occur  at  his  place  ; the 
locks  hed  bin  sold  to  farmers  who  yoozed  em  on  their  smoke 
houses  ; the  bags  hed  bin  sold  for  wheat,  and  so  on.  The 
stamps,  paper,  twine,  and  sich,  figgered  up  three  hundred  and 
forty-six  dollars,  wich  wuz  three  hundred  more  dollars  than 
there  wuz  in  the  Corners.  Bascom  advanced  the  forty-six  dol- 
lars, and  the  three  hundred  wuz  borrowed  uv  a banker  at 
Secessionville,  who  took  mortgages  on  the  farms  uv  the  impru- 
dent bondsmen  for  sekoority.  Uv  course  I can’t  go  back  to 
the  Corners  under  eggsistin  circumstances.  It  wood  be  un- 
comfortable for  me  to  live  there  ez  matters  hev  terminated.  I 
shel  make  my  way  to  Washinton,  and  shel  see  if  I can’t  git 
myself  electid  ez  Manager  of  a Labor  Assosiation,  and  so  make 
a livin  till  there  comes  a change  in  the  Administrashen.  I 
38 


594 


A LETTER  FROM  HOME. 


wood  fasten  myself  on  A.  Johnson,  but  unforchnitly  there  ain’t 
eniiff  in  him  to  tie  to.  I would  ez  soon  think  uv  tyin  myself 
to  a car  wheel  in  a storm  at  sea. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby 
(wich  wuz  Post  Master). 


CLXXXI. 

MP.  NASBY  RECEIVES  A LETTER  FROM  HIS 
STEADFAST  FRIEND. 

Pepper’s  Tavern,  Holmes  Co.,  0.,  ) 
August  22,  1869.  ) 

I left  the  Corners  the  day  after  I lost  my  position,  and, 
without  any  speshal  purpose,  wandered  up  into  my  old  stampin 
grounds  in  Ohio.  I wuz  received  with  a corjality  wich  affected 
me  profoundly.  Them  wich  hed  bin  turned  out  uv  offises  cood 
sympathize  with  me,  and  them  wich  hed  never  got  em,  felt  it 
still  more  deeply,  ez  they  eggsaggerate  the  benefit  to  be 
derived  from  offishl  posishen,  and  actilly  wonder  how  a,  man 
wich  ever  held  an  offis  kin  survive  decapitashen. 

I hed  no  difficulty  in  borrowin  enuff  dollars  uv  the  sturdy 
yeomanry  uv  this  section  to  not  only  keep  me  afloat  here  for 
a time,  but  to  pervide  again  a passage  through  an  Ablishn 
country,  ef  sich  need  be.  My  expenses  here  will  be  light,  ez 
I am  boardin  and  drinkin  on  tick  exclusively.  I told  the  land- 
lord the  first  day  to-mark  it  down,  ez  it  wuz  inconvenient  to 
make  change  fifty  times  per  day.  He  possibly  may  wish  he 
hed  taken  the  trouble  to  make  change. 

The  sceen  reminds  me  uv  Bascom’s  so  much  that  I actilly 
shed  teers.  Democrasy  is  alike  everywhere.  Ther  wuz  the 
bar,  with  the  big-bellied  bottle  with  tansy  in  it,  and  the  big- 
bffilied  bottle  without  tansy  in  it ; ther  wuz  the  box  uv  pipes, 
the  two  lemons  wich  are  doomed  never  to  be  yoosed,  ez  lemon- 
joose  weakens  likker  ; ther  wuz  Pepper,  the  landlord,  w-ith  his 
sleeves  rolled  up,  a leanin  onto  his  elbows  onto  the  bar ; be 


pepper’s. 


595 


hind  him  a portrate  nv  Jackson,  on  his  fomin  steed,  wavin  his 
sword  towards  the  British,  beside  it  a hand-bill  for  a mass  Con- 
venshun  mv  the  Deestrick  last  year,  commensin  with  the  trooly 
orthodox  line,  Do  you  want  to  marry  a nigger  ? ” in  large, 
black  type,  with  a picter  uv  Wendell  Phillips  kissin  a wench, 
at  wich  the  Democrasy  hev  indignated  reglerly  for  ten  yeers. 
Seetid  on  bustid  cheers,  empty  nail  kegs,  and  leaning  on  the 
bar,  wuz  a groop  wich  was  simply  a dooplikit  uv  the  X Roads, 
and  so  akkerit  that  I caught  myself  sayin  “Peekin’’  lots  uv 
times.  I sed  “ Captain  ” to  a man  who  wuz  so  near  like 
McPelter,  ez  to  justify  the  suspicion  that  the  father  uv  the 
present  Hugh  hed  many  yeers  before  bin  a citizen  uv  that 
visinity,  but  I wuz  keerfnl  not  to  do  so  agin.  Ketchin  me  by 
the  throte,  he  sternly  remarkt,  “ Sir  ! don’t  put  any  uv  them 
titles  onto  me,  sir.  I wuz  no  Captain,  thank  Heven.”  He 
wuz  passified  when  I told  him  that  his  remarkable  resemblance 
to  a Confedrit  Captin  occasioned  the  mistake,  wich  pleased 
him  so  that  he  to-wimst  askt  me  to  take  suthin.  This  opened 
a new  field  to  me,  wich  I worked.  I diskivered  to-wunst  an 
amazin  resemblence  between  all  uv  em  and  distinguisht 
‘Southern  commanders. 

We  fell  to  talkin  uv  the  old  times  wich  tried  men’s  soles,  in 
the  earlier  years  uv  the  war.  Pepper,  the  landlord,  gave  a 
• most  afiPectin  reminiscence  uv  the  shootin  uv  two  returned 
veterans,  in  the  very  room  in  wich  we  sot.  The  spot  on. which 
they  fell  he  hed  put  the  stove  over,  that  it  mite  be  kept  sakred. 
Mr.  Bortle,  an  old  saint,  whose  nose  wuz  liglitin  his  pathway 
to  the  toom,  hed  a more  tragicle  tale  to  tell.  He  wuz  one  uv 
them  wich  sholdered  his  fov/lin  peece  to  resist  the  draft  up  in 
this  County,  and  wuz  taken  by  bloo-coated  hirelins  and  carted 
off  to  Camp  Chase,  where  he  wuz  kept  in  doorance  vile  for 
weeks,  with  nothin  watever  to  live  onto  but  the  yoosual  rashens 
uv  a soljer  ! One  old  relic  uv  the  war,  wich  his  name  it  wuz 
Babbitt,  accompanied  Vallandygum  through  the  lines,  wich 
lines  wuz  cominandid  b}^  Rosecrans.  He  wuz  present  when 
that  accursed  villain  — that  tool  uv  the  despotic  ape,  Linkin  — 
hed  the  impudense  to  aboose  our  martjwed  Saint,  and  his  blood 
biled  ez  he  heered  it. 

The  followin  epistle  reached  me  yesterday.  I received  it 


596 


TROUBLE  IN  KENTUCKY. 


with  mingled  emoshuns.  Ez  I gazed  at  the  familjer  stamp 
onto  the  envelope,  wich  1 hed  yoozed  so  many  times,  I kissed 
it  in  extacy ; ez  I thot  that  it  wuz  inflicted  onto  the  paper  by 
the  hand  iiv  a nigger,  indignashen  seezed  me.  But  passin 
this,  I read  ez  follows  : — 

CoNFEDRiT  X Roads  (wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky), 

August  the  19th,  1869.  ) 

My  dear,  dear  Friend  : Absence,  it  is  sed,  conkers  love, 

but  that  won’t  work  in  your  case.  I had  tried  to  forget  yoo, 
and  hed  well  nigh  succeeded,  but  in  overhaulin  some  papers 
yesterday,  I happened  to  come  across  some  uv  yoor  notes  of 
hand  for  small  amounts  borrowed  uv  me  at  different  times,  and 
I realized  to-wunst  the  force  of  the  old  line,  — - 

“ Tho  lost  to  site,  to  memry  dear,” 

and  I bust  out  into  a flood  uv  tears. 

Crops  is  a totle  failyoor  here.  The  season  hez  bin  favorable, 
but  we  hev  bin  so  entirely  without  labor  that  we  put  in  but 
very  little  seed.  At  the  time  we  ought  to  hev  hed  our  corn 
plantid,  Issaker  Gavitt,  Kernel  McPelter,  Elder  Pennibacker, 
and  our  sons  wuz  scourin  the  country  to  get  enuff  niggers  to 
plant  for  us,  but  ez  they  each  hed  land  uv  their  own,  they 
woodent  do  it.  So  uv  course  there  wuz  none  uv  any  account 
put  in.  The  little  that  wuz  put  in  won’t  amount  to  nothin,  ez 
we  coodent  git  niggers  enuff  to  tend  it  durin  the  growin  sea- 
son, and  the  weeds  took  possession  uv  it  entirely.  Joe  Bigler 
sejested  that  ef  we’d  spend  half  the  time  plantin  uv  it  that  we 
did  holdin  meetins  to  devise  ways  to  get  nigger  labor,  we’d 
hev  a bustin  crop.  But  yoo  know  Josef ; he’s  a lost  carikter  ; 
he  works  with  his  own  hands.  One  uv  the  most  tetchin  sites 
I ever  beheld  wuz  at  Bascom’s  early  in  May,  jist  after  our 
committee  had  returned  from  a frootlis  search  after  hands  to 
do  our  plantin.  The  entire  Corners  wuz  present ; but  there 
wuz  a settled  gloom  onto  their  faces,  wich  even  the  refresh- 
ments they  wuz  consooraing  coodent  entirely  dissipate.  They 
wuz  grooped  about  the  bar-room  ez  yoosual.  Elder  Penni- 
backer wuz  a leanin  in  a chair,  with  his  back  on  a table,  in  the 
corner,  and  the  others  wuz  a sittin  on  kegs  in  various  parts 
uv  the  room. 


THE  LACK  OF  LABOR. 


597 


Wo  is  us  ! ’’  sighed  the  Elder,  puttin  his  feet  onto  a keg, 
that  he  mite  rest  easier,  and  pensively  squirtin  tabacco  jooce 
at  a fly  on  the  wall  opposite,  where  is  the  labor  to  plant  the 
corn  ? We  shel  starve  ! 

Alas  ! ” sighed  the  Deeken,  shiftin  his  seat  to  get  so  that 
he  Good  cock  his  feet  agin  the  wall.  Alas  ! the  minits  is 
creeping  on ; day  succeeds  day,  and  no  corn  in  yet.’’ 

Yes,”  replied  Issaker  Gavitt,  rollin  over  onto  his  belly, 
and  histin  hisself  up  onto  his  elbows,  this  is  the  froc^ts  uv 
Ablishnism.  Ten  years  ago,  when  we  hed  our  niggers,  wo 
hed  our  corn  all  in  b}^  this  time,  and  wuz  ready  to  put  em  to 
plowin  on  it  out.  Now  that  we  are  dependent  onto  our 
labor  — ” 

And  Issaker  groaned,  and  rolled  over  onto  his  back. 

And  so  we  sot,  and  sot,  and  mourned. 

The  result  uv  wich  is,  that  there  ain’t  an  acre  uv  good  corn 
in  the  entire  section.  Wood  that  the  Ablishnists,  wich  brot 
all  this  onto  us,  cood  see  the  rooin  they  hev  wrought. 

The  prevailin  topic  uv  discussion  sence  yoo  left  us  hez  bin 
the  trouble  with  Pollock  and  a Ablishn  frend  uv  hizzen  who 
lives  in  Springfield,  Illinoy,  the  restin  place  uv  that  human 
goriller,  A.  Linkin,  growin  out  uv  the  bond  question.  AYo 
remember  three  years  ago  the  Corporashen  ishood  its  bonds, 
bearin  6 per  cent,  for  $2,000,  to  bild  a lock-up  ; and  a yeer  later, 
when  it  wuz  found  nessary  to  gravel  the  road  betwixt  the 
Corners  and  the  stashen  at  Secessionville,  so  ez  to  redoose  the 
freight  on  the  whiskey  consumed  by  us,  we  ishood  bonds  bearin 
eight  per  cent.,  to  the  amount  of  $4,000,  both  ishoos  runnin 
twenty-five  years.  These  bonds  were  taken  by  Pollock  and 
this  frend  uv  hizzen. 

Last  yeer  we  paid  the  interest  on  these  bonds,  but  this  year 
the  people  felt  that  the  burden  wuz  too  heavy.  They  could 
not  reconcile  theirselves  to  the  idea  uv  sweatin  to  support  in 
idle  luxur}"  the  bloated  bond-holders,  and  the  populis  murmured 
agin  it.  Wat  to  do  we  didn’t  know,  till  finally  Elder  Penne- 
backer,  who  borrows  my  paper  reglerly,  remarked,  Eureker 
— I’ve  got  it ! ” He  bed  bin  readin  the  Dimocratic  proposition 
to  tax  bonds,  and  a lite  dawned  onto  him. 

We’ll  tax  these  bonds  of  Pollock’s  ! ” sed  the  Elder,  and 


598 


THE  BOND  QUESTION. 


thus  releeve  ourselves  uv  this  thraldom  to  the  money  power. 
Thank  Heaven,  the  people  hevnT  yet  parted  with  all  their 
power.’^ 

The  segestion  wuz  acted  on  to-wunst.  The  Council  wuz 
assembled,  and  by  a yoonanymous  vote  an  ordinance  wuz  passed 
levyin  a tax  uv  eight  cents  onto 'the  dollar  on  all  bonds  ishood 
by  the  corporashun  for  moneys  borrowed  uv  all  sorts. 

Pollock  wuz  away  when  the  ordinance  wuz  passed,  and  it  so 
happened  that  he  returned  the  very  day  that  his  interest  wuz 
due.  Immejitly  he  proceeded  to  the  Trezrer^s  office,  wich  is 
Captin  McPelter’s,  with  his  coopons.  Captin  McPelter  re- 
ceeved  him  blandly,  and,  puttin  the  coopons  away,  tendered 
him  in  loo  thereoff  a receipt  for  $320  taxes  on  them  sed 
bonds. 

Wat  is  this  ? ejackilated  the  astonished  Pollock. 

Taxes  ! ’’  returned  McPelter,  smilingly.  We  hev  assessed 
a tax  onto  our  bonds  uv  eight  cents  onto  the  dollar,  wich,  it 
happens,  is  just  wat  yoor  interest  is.  We  skorn  repudiation 
— we  shel  pay  principaband  interest  — but  we  hev  the  rite  to 
tax  bonds,  and  tax  em  we  will.’’ 

Is  the  tax  eight  cents  on  the  dollar  on  all  bonds  uv  the 
corporashen  ? ” asked  Pollock. 

Trooly  it  is,”  sed  McPelter. 

I hold  also  the  bonds  ishood  a year  before  these  for  buildin 
a lock-up,  but  wich  only  bear  six  per  cent.  The  tax  pays  the 
interest  and  two  per  cent,  over  ; what  will  you  do  with  that 
two  per  cent.  ? ” 

Do  with  it  ? ” exclaimed  McPelter.  “ Why,  we  shel  apply 
it  to  the  payment  uv  the  principal,  uv  course.  The  entire 
revenoo  uv  the  corporation  is  pledged  to  the  extinguishment 
uv  its  debt,  and  we  shel  not  be  recreant  to  our  trust.” 

Pollock  went  away,  but  McPelter  hed  a new  idea.  He  im- 
mejitly called  the  Council  together,  and  sejested  that  the  tax 
on  the  bonds  ought  to  be  twelve  instead  uv  eight  per  cent.,  ez 
that  tax  would  not  only  pay  the  interest  on  the  8 per  cent 
bonds,  but  would  extinguish  the  bonds  theirselves.  The  six 
per  cent,  bonds  wood  not  only  be  eaten  up,  but  would  leave 
Pollock  in  debt  to  the  corporashen  long  before  they  wuz  doo. 
The  way  uv  escape  from  our  troubles  wuz  so  very  plain  that 


HOW  IT  WAS  MET. 


599 


the  Council  to-wunst  acceeded  to  it ; and  notis  wuz  given  Pol- 
lock* uv  the  new  ackshen. 

Immejetly  the  craven  wretch  wantid  to  sell  the  bonds  to  the 
city  at  half  ther  face,  but  the  proposition  wuz  rejected  with 
skorn.  The  Council  passed  a resolooshn  rebooken  him  for 
intimatin  that  the  Corners  wood  not  live, up  to  its  obliga- 
tions. 

Ez  much  ez  we  loathe  yoo,”  remarked  Elder  Pennibacker, 
the  Municipal  President,  we  shall  pay  yoor  bonds,  dollar  for 
dollar,  principal  and  interest ; requiring  yoo,  however,  to 
bear  sich  taxation  ez  may  be  levied  onto  yoo.’’ 

But  ez  the  tax  eats  up  both  interest  and  principal,  what 
do  I get  for  my  money?  ” askt  the  stiff-neckt  man.  ' 

The  protection  uv  our  laws  ! ” thundered  Pennibacker. 

The  people  wuz  so  indignant  at  this  Ablishnist  meddler  for 
his  objectin  to  so  ekitable  a proceedin  that  they  mobbed  his 
store,  and  wood  hev  hung  him,  but  fer  the  interference  uv  Joe 
Bigler,  who  is  alluz  where  he  ain’t  wantid.  Ez  it  wuz,  he  wuz 
arrestid  for  breedin  disturbances,  and  fined  $20.  He  tendered, 
in  payment  uv  his  fine,  a corporashun  bond,  but  the  Justis 
refoozed,  very  properly,  to  take  it,  and  held  him  till  he  shelled 
out  a greenback  from  his  ill-gotten  hoards. 

Pollock  feels  sore,  but  we  don’t.  Releved  from  these  bonds, 
the  Corners  will  hev  no  taxes  to  pay,  and  we  confidently  ex- 
pect a return  uv  the  prosperity  to  wich  we  hev  bin  so  long  a 
stranger. 

. Yours,  with  affeckshun, 

Elkanah  Pogram. 

P.  S.  — Ef  you  get  into  a good  thing  and  kin  spare  it,  do 
remit  a porshen  at  least  uv  wat  you  owe  me.  Times  is  tite 
here.  E.  P. 

Ez  I finisht  his  movin  epistle,  I cood  not  help  thankin  the 
Lord  that  in  one  spot  at  least  the  Democracy  practis  wat  they 
preach.  Thank  Heaven  for  Kentucky. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby 
(wich  wuz  Postmaster). 


600 


THE  DEMOCRACY  OF  NEW  YORK. 


CLXXXII. 

MR.  NASBY  ATTENDS  A CONVOCATION  OF  THE 
DEMOCRACY  OF  NEW  YORK. 

Noo  Y'ork,  November  20,  1869. 

I ATTENDID,  by  speshl  invitashun,  a meetin  uv  the  infloo- 
enslil  workin  Democrats  uv  Noo  York,  wich  wuz  called  to  lay 
out  the  work  for  the  incomin  Legislacher.  The  meetin  wuz 
held  at  Hiberny  Hall,  wich,  ez  the  occasion  wuz  one  relatin  to 
the  Government  uv  the  State  and  city  uv  Noo  York,  wuz  per- 
foosely  decorated  with  the  green  flag  uv  Ireland,  harps,  sun- 
bursts, and  other  emblems  uv  a patriotic  nacher,  while  a brass 
band  on  the  platform  enlivened  the  perceedins  by  playin,  at 
regler  intervals,  The  Wearin  uv  the  Green.” 

Dennis  Macarthy  wuz  called  to  the  chair,  and  Patrick  Maloney 
wuz  made  secretary.  Some  one  sejested  a man  named  Biggins 
for  secretary,  urgin  that  Biggins  cood  rite  ; but  his  name  wuz 
agin  him,  and  Maloney  wuz  yoonanimusly  chosen.  It  wuz 
afterwards  discovered  that  Biggins  wuz  really  an  Irishman,  and 
they  immejitly  made  him  assistant  secretary.  A committee, 
consistin  uv  Messrs.  O’Doherty,  O’Malley,  O’Grady,  O’Toole, 
and  O’Shaughnessy,  reported  ez  committee  on  resolushens, 
Messrs.  McShane,  McDonoho,  McGragan,  McEvy,  and  McYay, 
wich  reported  ez  follows : — 

That,  representin  the  Democrasy  uv  Noo  York,  we  demand 
uv  the  new  Legislacher  the  immejit  repeel  uv  the  Excise  Law, 
all  the  laws  bearinon  whiskey,  all  the  laws  takin  control  uv  the 
city  uv  Noo  York  out  uv  the  hands  uv  the  Democrisy  uv  the 
city,  the  repeel  uv  all  the  Metropolitan  poleece  laws,  and  the 
restorashen  uv  the  appintin  uv  the  poleece  to  the  Mayor,  where 
it  ought  to  be ; in  short,  the  repeel  uv  all  the  laws  passed  by 
the  Ablishun  Legislachers  uv  the  past  ten  years. 

Mr.  Patsy  O’Brannon  urged  the  passage  uv  the  resolooshens 
yoonanimusly.  He  shood,  uv  course,  be  a sargent  in  the  new 
poleece  force,  and  in  addislien  to  that  he  hed  a brother  wich 
landid  the  day  before  the  eleckshen,  wich  brother,  like  a troo 
Arnerikin,  votid  four  times,  wich  must  hev  a place  on  the  force. 


WHAT  THEY  WANTED. 


601 


He  (Mr.  O’Brarmon)  felt  that  ‘he  coodent  support  him  much 
longer,  and  onless  he  got  his  brother  a place  soon  he  wood  hev 
to  go  to  work. 

Mr.  O’Shaughnessy  wantid  to  know  ef  men  landid  in  Novem- 
ber, and  who  hed  only  voted  at  one  eleckshun,  wuz  to  step  in 
and  take  office  over  the  heads  uv  vetrans  wich  hed  bin  here 
two  and  three  years  ? Ef  sich  things  — 

Mr.  Baldwin  moved  that  no  man  be  recognized  ez  eligible 
for  an  offis,  or  even  contrack,  wich  hed  bin  in  the  country  less 
than  three  months. 

Mr.  McShane  shood  vote  agin  that  moshen.  He  hed  one 
brother  to  whom  he  hed  written  to  come  to-wunst,  who  wood 
be  cut  out  for  three  months  if  the  moshen  passed,  and  he 
(McShane)  coodent  afford  to  board  him  so  long. 

Mr.  McGrath  should  also  oppose  it.  Anticipatin  a repeel  uv 
the  ojns  laws  wich  hampered  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Noo  York,  he 
hed  got  a frend  to  write  to  two  brothers  and  four  cousins  to 
sail  immejitly,  to  fill  posishens  uv  poleecemen  and  skool  direc- 
tors and  sich,  and  he  hed  another  brother  who  wood  come  ez 
soon  ez  his  time  wuz  out  in  the  prison  at  Liverpool,  who  must 
be  provided  for.  He  wood  vote  for  no  sich  moshen.  It  wuz  lost. 

Mr.  O’Shaughnessy  wanted  a moshen  instructin  the  Legisla- 
cher  to  not  only  put  the  appintin  power  in  the  hand  uv  the 
Mayor,  but  to  immejitly  double  the  poleece  force  uv  the  cities 
uv  the  State  wich  hev  Democratic  majorities. 

Mr.  McCoole  moved  to  amend,  by  requirin  all  sich  cities  to 
commence  to-wunst  the  buildin  uv  Court  Houses,  in  which 
shape  it  wuz  carried. 

Mr.  McGeoghegan  wished  to  call  the  attenshen  uv  the  meet- 
in  to  the  fact  that  the  Mayor  uv  the  city  hed  appinted  two 
janitors  in  the  City  Hall,  one  uv  wich  wuz  born  in  Connecticut, 
and  the  other  in  Noo  Jersey.  A committee  wuz  about  to  be 
appinted  to  call  upon  the  Mayor  to  remonstrate,  when  it  wuz 
made  known  that  the  places  hed  bin  originally  given  to  two 
brothers  named  McGrath,  who  hed  sold  em  to  these  men,  and 
the  subjick  wuz  dropped. 

Before  the  explanashen  wuz  made  there  wuz  much  feelin 
manifested,  but  when  the  facts  were  made  known  three  hearty 
cheers  wuz  given  the  Mayor. 


602 


A NEW  HOME. 


Mr.  O’Sullivan  ‘desired  to  know  whether,  with  a Dimocratic 
Legislacher,  there  vrood  be  hangin  for  killin  naygurs  ? 

Mr.  O’Shea  remarked,  in  .answer,  that  he  didn’t  see  wat  the 
Legislacher  lied  to  do  with  that  matter.  Ther  never  hed  bin 
hangin  in  Noo  York  for  nigger-killin,  the  Lord  be  praised,  and 
he  hed  no  fears  ther  ever  wood  be. 

Mr.  O’Sullivan  wuz  pleased  to  know  it.  He  hed  bin  in  the 
country  but  a short  time,  and  did  not  fully  understand  the 
customs.  He  rentid  his  house  uv  a naygur,  but  he  shood  pay 
rent  no  more.  It  wuz  acknowledgin  ther  superiority. 

It  wuz  also  resolved  that  to  prevent  mistakes  and  errors, 
when  the  appintments  for  the  different  offises  in  the  city  come 
to  be  made,  that  each  applicant  be  required  to  state  wich 
county  uv  Ireland  he  comes  from. 

After  some  other  bizness  the  meetin  adjourned. 

Wunst  on  a time  a native  uv  a Western  State,  lookin  at  a 
Democratic  procession  in  this  city,  remarked  ef  he  hed  enuff 
inflooence  at  Washinton  he  wood  ask  to  be  appinted  Amerikin 
Consul  to  Noo  York.  I see  now  the  pint  to  the  remark. 
Ef  I conclood  to  stay  here  I shel  change  my  name  to  Michael, 
practise  the  shellalah,  and  take  to  short  pipes.  0,  why  wuzn’t 
I born  in  Cork  ? 

Peteoleum  Y.  Nasby 
(wich  wuz  Postmaster). 


CLXXXIII. 

SETTLED  AT  LAST. —THE  CITY  OF  NEW  YORK 
TO  BE  HIS  FINAL  RESTING-PLACE. 

In  the  Gth  Ward  uv  Noo  York,  ) 
December  10,  1869.  ) 

The  dove  wich  Noah  sent  out  come  back  to  the  Ark  becoz 
the  waters  kivered  the  land  ; when  the  dove  found  a dry  spot 
it  come  back  no  more.  I am  a dove.  I wuz  sent  out  from  the 
Corners,  but  the  prevalence  uv  water  druv  me  back,  time  and 


THE  HARP  UV  ERIN.’^ 


603 


agen.  Now,  thank  Heaven,  I hev  found  a spot  wher  ther  is  no 
water  (at  least  IVe  never  seen  any  used  here  for  any  purpose), 
and  here  I stay.  My  foot  hez  found  a restin-place. 

I am  the  sole  proprietor  uv  the  Harp  uv  Erin  ’’  saloon. 
The  original  proprietor  uv  the  Harp  uv  Erin  ” died  the 
evenin  uv  the  last  eleckshun,  much  regretted  by  his  politikle 
assoshates.  He  hed  only  voted  thirteen  times,  when  in  an 
argyment  techin  the  merits  uv  his  candidate,  ez  compared 
with  his  opponent  for  the  nominashen,  he  wuz  hit  with  a brick- 
bat, and  died  with  his  day’s  work  half  done.  The  man  who 
struck  him  wuz  expelled  from  the  society  to  wich  he  be- 
longed for  killin  an  able-bodied  Democrat  before  the  closin 
uv  the  polls. 

How  I got  possesshen  uv  the  s’loon  I shel  not  state.  Suffice 
it  to  say,  it  became  mine,  and  the  stock  likewise,  and  that  I 
shel  never  hev  occashen  to  leave  it.  Here  I shel  live,  and 
here  I shel  die.  Uv  course  Eve  decorated  it  to  soot  the  tastes 
uv  my  patrons.  I took  down  the  portrate  uv  Jackson,  and  cut 
off  uv  the  bottom  the  words,  The  Yoonyun,  it  must  and  shel 
be  preserved.!”  and  substitootid,  He  serves  his  party  best 
who  votes  the  most,”  wich  I read  to  those  who  drop  in  ez  the 
last  words  uv  the  Hero  uv  Noo  Orleens.  I hev  an  Irish  flag 
turned  round  an  Irish  Harp  over  the  bar,  and  portrates 
uv  the  Head  Centres  uv  the  Fenian  Brotherhood,  properly 
wreathed,  all  about  the  room.  On  the  end  uv  the  bar,  in  the 
spot  where  in  other  neyborhoods  the  water-pitcher  stands,  I 
hev  a box  with  a hole  in  the  top  uv  it,  inscribed,  Contribu- 
shens  for  the  benefit  uv  our  sufifrin  brethren  in  English  Basteels 
may  be  dropped  in  here.”  That  box  more  than  pays  my  rent. 
Then  I hev  quite  a cabinet  uv  sakred  relics.  I hev  a piece  uv 
the  rope  wich  hung  John  Brown;  the  identicle  club  wich 
killed  the  first  nigger  in  the  riots  uv  July,  1863  ; a bullit  fired  at 
the  Triboon  ofiSs  at  that  time,  with  other  sooveneers  dear  to  the 
Democratic  heart,  wich  attract  many.  These  hang  onto  the 
walls,  and  underneath  them  I hev  the  prices  uv  drinks  in- 
scribed, with  the  stern,  cold  words,  No  Trust.” 

^ I inoggeratid  my  establishment  last  Wednesday  nite.  Re- 
memberin  the  terrible  endin  uv  all  my  other  innogerashens,  I 
declined  at  fust  to  make  any  formal  openin;  but  my  friends  in- 


604 


A SUCCESSFUL  OPENING. 


sisted  that  it  wuz  the  custom  uv  the  ward,  and  that  I must 
do  it. 

Nobody  will  buy  yoor  likker/’  sed  one,  ‘‘  ef  yoo  don’t  make 
a regler  openin.” 

Ef  I make  a regler  openin,”  sed  I,  I won’t  hev  a drop  to 
sell  em.  Stay  — I hev  it.  I’ll  go  before  a Justis  uv  the  Peece 
and  take  a solemn  oath  not  to  drink  anything  myself  that  nite.” 
^ Twon’t  do,”  sed  my  friend.  “ Oaths  don’t  count  in  this 
ward.” 

Various  plans  were  sejestid.  One  gentleman  proposed  that 
I.  shood  be  tied  down  so  that  I coodn’t  git  at  the  likker,  and 
that  he  shood  do  the  honors.  His  nose  wuz  agin  him,  and  I 
declined  his  proposishen.  Finally  I hit  upon  a plan.  I calki- 
' lated  that  twenty  gallons  wood  anser,  and  I put  that  amount  in 
a barrel.  The  balance  uv  the  stock  I locked  in  a room,  and 
then  put  the  key  away  in  a drawer: 

There,”  sed  I,  triumphantly,  afore  that  twenty  gallons  is 
eggsausted  I shel  be  too  far  gone  to  know  where  the  key  to  the 
room  holdin  the  balance  uv  the  stock  is.  Saved  ! saved  ! ” 

It  resultid  ez  I anticipatid.  At  first  we  hed  speeches  and 
toasts.  Mr.  O’Rafferty  replide  to  the  toast,  Our  adoptid 
country.”  He  sed  the  term,  Our  adoptid  country,”  wuz  a 
happy  one,  fur  so  fur  ez  Noo  York  wuz  conserned,  the  sons  uv 
Erin  hed  adoptid  it.  He  hed  bin  charged  with  a lack  uv  love 
fur  this  country.  He  repelled  the  charge  with  skorn.  Why 
shoodn't  he  love  this  country?  In  wat  other  country  wuz 
votes  worth  a dollar  apeece?  Where  else  cood  sich  a man«ez 
he  hev  so  high  a posishen  ez  Alderman,  and  only  two  yeers  on 
the  grounds. 

Mr.  O’Toole  jined  in  the  sentiment.  Where  else  under  the 
canopy  cood  a man  like  hisself,  who  coodn’t  read,  be  a skool 
direcktor?  He  hed  often  bin  thankful  that  he  hed  turned  his 
face  toward  Ameriky  the  minit  his  time  wuz  out  in  the  prison 
at  Liverpool.  Ther  wuz  less  risk  in  holdin  offis  in  Noo  York 
than  in  burglary  in  England,  and  the  results  wuz  shoorer. 

Ther  wuzn’t  much  more  speech-makin.  The  drinkin  went  on 
fast  and  furious  tho,  and  ez  I antissipatid,  before  the  twenty 
gallons  wuz  eggsaustid  I wuz  very  drunk,  and  incapable  uv 
any  effort,  mental  or  physikle,  and  the  others  were  in  very 


THE  NEW  ESTABLISHMENT. 


G05 


mucli  the  same  predicament.  Four  or  five  uv  em  did  try  to 
rouse  me  to  git  more,  but  it  wuz  uv  no  use  ; they  mite  ez  well 
hev  whispered  Grey’s  elegy  in  the  ear  uv  a dead  mule.  The 
most  uv  em  slept,  ez  I did,  on  the  floor  till  mornin. 

I shel  be  happy  here.  I hev  the  steddy  patronage  uv  two 
Aldermen,  three  skool  direcktors,  and  four  contractors,  and 
when  the  Mayor  gits  the  appintin  uv  the  poleece  there  will  be 
twelve  poleecemen  whose  trade  I kin  count  on.  There  in  my 
back  room  is  where  the  preliminary  caucuses  fur  the  ward  is 
held,  and  I shel  be  paid  fur  wat  the  managers  drink  till  I git 
an  offis  myself.  At  last  my  lines  is  cast  in  pleasant  places. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby 
(wich  wuz  P.  M.). 


CLXXXIV. 

MR.  NASBY  GIVES  A BRIEF  ACCOUNT  OF  HIS 
NEW  ESTABLISHMENT. 

6th  Ward,  Noo  York,  > 
December  22,  1869.  ^ 

I AM  perfectly  and  entirely  happy  ; for  I hev  formed  a num- 
ber uv  deliteful  acquaintances  in  this  trooly  grate  city,  wich 
makes  my  pathway  pleasant  and  cheerful.  I hev  added  to  the 
decorashuns  uv  my  bar  portrates  uv  Sammon  P.  Chase, 
Fernandy  Wood,  and  Pendleton,  one  uv  wich  is  shure  to  be  our 
standard-bearer  in  the  next  contest,  wich  colleckshun  I shel 
keep  addin  to  ez  I git  the  means.  I hev  a stiddy  run  uv  trade, 
and  I am  seldom  alone,  which  soots  me  exactly.  But  few  men 
like  to  be  alone.  A man  is  bad  company  for  hisself,  for  he 
alone  is  the  only  one  who  knows  percisely  how  cussed  mean  he 
is.  The  two  Aldermen  who  paternizes  me  pay  ez  they  drink, 
wich  paternage  alone  is  almost  suffishent  ^ to  support  me,  ez 
they  are  conscienshusly  industrious  drinkers.  They  pay,  not 
becoz  they  hev  any  particular  prejoodis  in  that  direckshun, 
but  becoz  money  costs  em  nothin,  and  becoz,  likin  my  face,  they 
hev  a desire  to  keep  me  among  em.  One  of  em  was  pleased 


606 


MR.  O’SULLIVAN. 

to  compliment  me  yesterday.  Nasby/’  sed  he,  that  nose  nv 
yoors  indicates  more  certenly  yoor  politicks  than  wat  yoo 
say.  The  heart  is  deceetful,  and  the  tongue  ofttimes  speeks 
what  the  heart  doth  not  prompt ; the  nose  kin  never  lie.  It’s 
alluz  safe  to  approach  sich  a nose  with  a cash  offer  to  do  dooty 
ez  a repeeter.  Two  more  hot  whiskeys,  and  one  for  yoorself 
while  yoo  are  at  it.” 

Isn’t  it  a pleasure  to  mix  drinks  for  one  who  combines 
shrewd  knowledge  uv  human  nacher,  whiskey,  and  ready  pay, 
in  sich  correct  proportions  ? Uv  course  it  is.  But  my  buzzum 
friend  is  Terrence  O’Sullivan,  who  is  perhaps  the  most  regular 
customer  I hev.  Mr.  O’Sullivan  is  one  uv  the  oldest  Demo- 
crats in  Noo  York,  it  hevin  bin  three  years  sence  he  left  Cork. 
It  is  not  known  wat  he  wuz  before  he  left  Ireland.  Ther  wuz 
a pockitbook  and  a watch  mixed  up  in  it,  the  pertickelers  uv 
wich  I never  got.  On  his  release,  Mr.  O’Sullivan  perceeded  to- 
wunst  to  Noo  York,  and  commenst  life  ez  a laborer  on  an 
excavashun  on  Broadway.  Forchunitly  six  weeks  after  he 
landed  an  eleckshun  took  place,  and  he  immejietly  got  employ- 
ment ez  a repeeter.  Doorin  the  war  he  was  engaged  in 
enlistin  hisself  under  varius  names  fur  the  bounty,  the  monot- 
ony of  wich  ockkupashun  he  varied  by  occasional  burglaries 
and  operations  in  the  street  on  intoxicated  Western  men. 
He  hez  bin  second  and  bottle-holder  in  many  prize-fights, 
and  hez  an  interest  in  two  unpretendin  faro  banks  and  one 
lottery  shop. 

Uv  course  Mr.  O’Sullivan  holds  office.  Hevin  one  hundred 
and  sixty-three  votes  at  his  control,  he  is  skool  direcktor,  in- 
speckter  uv  Boa  Constrictors  in  Central  Park,  clerk  to  three 
boards,  and  in  addishen,  hez  a sub-contract  for  street  cleanin. 
Ez  ther  ain’t  no  Boa  Constrickters  and  no  Boards,  and  ez  the 
streets  are  never  cleaned,  why,  Mr.  O’S.  hez  a tolerable  soft 
thing  uv  it,  or  wood  hev  were  it  not  that  he  hez  to  divide  his 
salaries  up  among  so  many.  But,  nevertheless,  he  lives  com- 
fortably and  happy. 

Mr.  O’Sullivan  hez  a brother  who  is  at  this  time  an  inmate 
uv  the  State  Prison  at  Sing  Sing,  for  highway  robbery,  and 
last  Monday  we  went  up  to  Sing  Sing  to  see  him.  We  arrived 
jist  ez  the  convicts  was  a marchin  in  to  dinner,  and  took  posi- 


MR.  O’SULLTVAN’S  BROTHER. 


607 


shen  wliere  we  cood  see  era,  so  that  Mr.  O'S.  cood  point  out 
his  unforchunit  relative  to  rae  ez  they  passed. 

There  he  is  — good  Hevins  ! ” 

Wat  agitates  you,  ray  friend  ? ^’  I asked. 

Look  ! ” sed  he,  the  fourth  man  in  the  file.” 

I saw  at  onct  wat  agitated  him.  His  brother  was  the  fourth 
man  in  the  sixth  file,  and  side  by  side  with  that  brother,  a 
white  man,  wuz  — a nigger  ! both  dressed  exactly  alike. 

Hevins  ! ” ejackilated  Q’Sullivan,  is  this  thing  permitted 
in  the  Democratic  State  uv  Noo  York  ? Hev  we  fought  nig- 
ger ekality  at  the  polls  so  many  }^ears  to  hev  it  practised  here,^ 
in  a Democratic  State  under  Democratic  ofhshls  ? ” 

And  here,  too,  where  only  Democrats  is  degraded  by  it ! ” 
I put  in. 

We  sought  out  the  WYrden,  and  demandid  that  the  infamous 
practis  be  changed.  The  Warden  sympathized  with  us,  but 
sed  it  coodn’t  be.  There  wuz  no  provision  in  the  laws  govern- 
in  the  prisons  uv  the  State  for  keepin  niggers  separate.  You 
see,”  he  remarked,  it’s  only  now  and  then  that  any  uv  the 
degradid  race  git  here,  and  there’s  no  provision  made  for  em. 
It  can’t  be  helped.”  Then,”  sed  O’Sullivan,  do  T understand 
that  the  Democrisy  uv  Noo  York  city  is  to  be  continyooally 
threatened  with  nigger  ekality  ? ” 

“ They  are  till  the  Legislacher  changes  it,”  retorted  the 
Warden. 

We  left  the  prison  shortly  after  that,  Mr.  O’Sullivan  in  a 
most  melankolly  mood. 

Nasby,”  sed  he  finally,  after  a silence  uv  perhaps  half  an 
hoor,  doorin  wich  time  he  wuz  plunged  in  the  deepest  thought, 

Nasby,  it’s  all  up  with  me.  I shel  never  break  into  a house, 
or  pick  a pocket,  or  go  through  a drunken  man  agin.  Wat  I 
have  seen  to-day  hez  determined  me.  I shel  never  agin  take  a 
chance  uv  goin  to  Sing  Sing.  Why,  it  mite  be  my  forchoon  to 
be  put  beside  that  nigger  ! ” 

And  a shudder  uv  ill-concealed  anguish  agitated  his  frame, 
and  the  strong  man  wept  bitter  teers. 

I comforted  him  ez  best  I cood.  I told  him  that  should  he 
be  arrestid  for,  say  a murder,  be  tried  and  convicted,  and  sent 
to  the  penetenshary,  and  be  forced  to  march  side  by  side  with 


608 


A EAY  OF  LIGHT. 


a nigger,  “ the  disgrace,’’  I sed,  won’t  be  yoors,  ’twill  be  the 
infamous  retches  who  put  yoo  there.  If  yoo  shood,  of  your 
own  free  will,  put  yourself  on  a level  with  a nigger,  — for  in- 
stance, ef  yoo  shood  buy  of  or  sell  to  an  Ethiopian,  — then  the 
degredashen  wood  be  -yoors,  for  yoo  mite  hev  asserted  yoor 
sooperiority.  But  in  the  case  uv  State’s  Prison,  I reely  think 
yoo  put  too  much  stress  onto  it.  In  that  case  a sooperior  power 
comjoels  yoo  to  this,  and  yoo  ain’t  responsible.  Were  I in  yoor- 
place — bed  I sich  promisin  prospecks  ez  yoorn  — I don’t 
think  I shood  permit  this  to  stop  me.” 

But  Mr.  O’Sullivan  wuz  inflexible.  He  shood  quit  all  prac- 
tices wich  pinted  in  the  direckshun  uv  a penetenshary,  for  it 
would  kill  him  to  be  compelled  for  a minit  to  eat,  wmrk,  or  walk 
beside  a nigger,  even  tho  he  wuz  compelled  to  do  it. 

Then  an  idea  struck  me ! Brilliant  idees  alluz  do  come  to 
me  precisely  the  rite  time.  Why,  yoo  cussed  jackass  ! ” sed 
I,  fallin  onto  his  neck,  ‘‘  why  do  we  talk  uv  this.  Now  that  the 
Democracy  hez  the  Legislacher,  and  will  hev  the  control  uv  the 
city  in  all  its  departments,  no  Democrat  who  hez  a dozen  votes 
back  uv  him  will  go  to  the  penitenshary.  But  few  of  em  did 
afore,  when  the  Ablishnists  hed  the  poleece,  but  now  that  we 
hev  Judges,  poleece,  and  all  — why,  my  deer  sir,  the  chances 
is  ez  one  to  a million.  Go  on  with  yoor  burglary,  my  sweet 
Terence  ; go  in  and  win,  with  no  gaunt  fear  stalkin  like  a 
spectre  behind  yoo.”  Mr.  O’Sullivan  returned  to  the  city  with 
me,  comforted,  that  is  ez  to  hisself.  But  he  is  determined  that 
the  wrong  shel  be  remedied.  He  declares  it  his  purpose  to 
petishn  to  the  Legislacher  to  pass  an  act  makin  seprit  prizens 
for  niggers,  that  Democrats  uv  the  city  may  not  be  perpetooally 
menaced  with  the  possibility  that  they  may  be  compelled  to 
assoshate  with  em  ; or  wot  wood  be  still  better,  they  wood  hev 
hangin  made  the  only  punishment  for  niggers,  wich  wood  finish 
the  cusses  to-wunst,  and  end  all  anxiety  on  their  account.  Sich 
a petition  is  now  hangin  in  my  bar,  and  I read  it  to  all  who 
cum  in,  and  in  no  case  hez  any  one  uv  em  refoosed  to  make  his 
mark  onto  it.  This  will  be  the  first  reform  the  new  Legislacher 
will  be  called  upon  to  make. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby 
(wich  wuz  P.  M.). 


THE  FIFTEENTH  AMENDMENT. 


609 


CLXXXV. 

THE  FRIENDS  OF  MR.  NASBY  HOLD  A MEETING- 
AND  INDULGE  IN  Y WAIL  OYER  THE  PASSAGE 
OF  THE  FIFTEENTH  AMENDMENT  BY  THE  OHIO 
LEGISLATURE. 

6th  Ward,  Noo  York,  ^ 
January  24,  1870.  3 

The  passige  uv  the  15th  Amendment  by  the  Ohio  Legis- 
lacher  created  a profonnd  sensashen  in  this  immejit  visinity. 
The  news  reached  us  in  the  afternoon,  and  that  evenin  a large 
meetin  wuz  held  in  the  back  room  uv  my  grosery  to  express 
our  views  on  the  topic,  the  elect  uv  the  Democrisy  uv  the  ward 
bein  present.  I wuz  uv  course  called  to  the  chair,  and  Tom- 
my Mick  Farland,  who  wuz  wunst  a reporter,  till  an  overpowerin 
fondnis  for  likker  preventid  him  from  dischargiii  his  dooties,  and 
who,  ez  he  kin  write,  hez  since  made  a livin  by  actin  ez  Sekre- 
tary  uv  Dimekratic  meetins  in  this  ward,  wuz  made  Sekretary. 

Terence  O’Grath,  who  is  an  under  waiter  at  the  Astor 
House,  remarked  that  his  sole  wuz  filled  with  woe.  The  pas- 
sage uv  the  Amendment,  by  the  Ohio  Legislacher,  settled  the 
question  uv  nigger  suffrage.  From  this  time  forward  a menial 
race,  only  fitted  by  nacher  to  do  menial  offices  for  others,  wood 
be  placed  on  a ekality  with  him.  It  wuz  degradin  to  the 
race  uv  freemen  to  wich  he  belonged,  and  for  one  he  wood 
never,  no,  nevei*  submit.  Mr.  O’Grath  wood  hev  continyood 
his  remarks,  but  he  wuz  cut  short  by  the  entrance  uv  the  liead 
waiter,  who  cussed  him  viggerusly  for  bein  away  from  his 
place,  and  ordered  him  instantly  to  leeve.  Who’s  brushin 
the  gentlemen’s  coats,  and  pullin  off  their  boots,  and  sich, 
while  yoor  here  blatherin?”  indignantly  ejackilated  the  head 
man,  ez  Mr.  O’Grafh  meekly  left  the  room. 

Timmy  Brannon,  a drayman,  remarkt  that  he  wuz  entirely 
discouraged.  Only  last  week  he  hed  bin  arrestid  and  fined  for 
beatin  his  boss  over  the  head  with  a dray  pin,  and  now  kin 
nothin  be  don  to  check  these  outrages  ? 

Thomas  Patterson,  Esq.,  a gentleman  known  in  pugilistic 
circles  ez  Patty  the  Lifter,”  wantid  to  know  whether  he  wuz 
39 


610 


THE  EFFECT  IN  NEW  YORK. 


to  be  compelled  to  go  to  the  polls  twenty  times  a day  beside 
niggers  ? “ Blast  my  heyes/^  remark!  Mr.  Patterson,  vehe- 

mently, Pll  go  back  to  Hold  Hingland  first ! ” 

Mr.  Phelim  Malloy  remark t that  so  far  ez  Noo  York  wiiz  con- 
cerned he  didn’t  know  ez  ’twood  make  any  diffirence.  He 
wuz  entirely  shoor  that  no  nigger  wood  ever  vote  in  the  Sixth 
Ward,  anyhow,  ez  we  don’t  allow  only  sich  white  men  to  vote 
ez  we  want  to  hev  vote.  But — ” 

“ But  s’posen  they’ll  all  vote  the  Dimocrathic  tikket?”  sung 
out  an  Alderman. 

That  wooden’t  do  us  any  good,’^  retorted  Mr.  Malloy.  “ So 
long  ez  we  kin  repate  ez  often  ez  needs  be,  and  stuff  into  the 
boxes  ez  many  votes  ez  we  want,  wat  do  we  want  uv  more 
voters  ? What  lie  wuz  about  to  say  wuz,  that  while  it  wooden’t 
affect  us  in  Noo  York,  his  sole  run  out  in  pity  towards  the 
Dimocrisy  in  the  Ablishen  distriks,  who  wood  be  compelled  to 
vote  with  niggers,  — compelled  to  stan  by  helplis,  and  see  the 
ballot-box  thus  degradid.” 

At  this  pint  there  wuz  a gineral  expreshun  uv  joy,  okkashund 
by  the  entrance  uv  Mr.  John  Sykes,  who  hed  jist  arrived  from 
Sing  Sing,  where  he  hed  been  incarcerated  two  years  for  bur- 
glary, which  wuz  complicatid  with  shootin  the  iiidividjooel  whose 
house  he  wuz  burglin.  His  bein  convicted  and  sentenced  wuz 
owin  to  the  fact  that  he  hed  opposed  the  nominashen  ov  the 
Judge  afore  whom  he  wuz  tried.  Mr.  Sykes  wuz,  uv  course, 
indignant  at  the  unfair  treetment  he  had  experienced,  but  he 
wuz  more  profoundly  affectid  at  the  politikle  sitooashen  than 
he  wuz  at  his  privit  wrongs.  Thunder  ! To  think,”  sed  he, 
uv  sich  a mass  uv  ignorence,  vishusness,  and  crime  bein  ele- 
wated  up  to  us.  Ef  ’twant  for  some  little  matters  connectid 
with  a half  dozen  house-breakins  in  Lunnun,  Pd  go  back  on  the 
next  steamer  ez  sails.” 

And  Mr.  Sykes  actilly  wept. 

At  this  pint  an  unfortunit  difference  occurred.  Alderman 
O’Fallon  wuz  offerin  a resolooshen  protestin  agin  the  assoshatin 
uv  free  men  with  the  lower  and  more  vishus  classes  ez  tendin 
to  corrupt  the  sanctity  uv  the  ballot,  when  Mr.  Patsey  Carney 
entered.  Pay  me  the  money  ye  promised  me  for  the  ten 
votes  I brot  ye  off  the  emigrant  ship  last  fall,  ye  spalpeen!” 


AN  INTERRUPTION. 


611 


I’ve  paid  it  twice,  ye  blaggard  ; and,  be  gorra,  there  wuz  only 
nine  uv  em,  and  one  uv  them  wuz  a legal  voter,  for  wicli  ye 
Led  no  right  to  ask  pay  for  ! ” retortid  O’Fallon. 

To  the  divil  wid  yez  ! ” remarkt  Carney,  goin  for  him.  Uv 
course  the  entire  meetin  jined  in  the  scrimage.  It  lastid  twen- 
ty minits,  resultin  in  the  breakin  uv  every  chair  in  the  room, 
a two-gallon  jug,  and  twelve  or  fourteen  heads.  That  relic  uv 
Ablishen  misrool,  the  Metropolitan  Poleece,  kum  in  and  stopt 
the  row,  takin  away  ten  men,  nine  uv  wich  I knowd  hed  money 
in  their  “pockets,  wich,  hed  they  stayed  an  hour,  I shood  hev 
got.  It  wuz  exasperatin. 

Two  uv  my  stiddy  customers,  who  hed  bin  overcome  early 
in  the  afternoon,  and  who  hed  jist  got  up  out  uv  the  straw 
which  I keep  in  a room  for  the  accommodashen  uv  sich,  insistid 
that  they’d  never  consent  to  givin  uv  polittickle  power  to  the 
degradid  wretches.  They  felt  that  the  very  proposishen  was 
a outrage.  Besides,”  one  uv  ern  remarked,  “ wat  effeckt  will  * 
the  makin  uv  sich  an  army  uv  new  voters  hev  upon  the  price 
uv  votes?  Ef  they  vote  at  all  in  this  city  they’ll  hev  to  vote 
with  us.  \Yill  they  immejitly  demand  their  share  uv  the  offi- 
ces? Imagine  my  bein  arrestid  for  vagrancy  by  a nigger  po- 
leceman ! ” 

And  the  very  thought  so  shockt  him  that  he  rusht  out  into 
the  bar-room  and  took  a whisky  strate,  forgettin,  in  his  excite- 
ment, to  pay  for  it. 

Eesolooshens  were  introdoost  and  passed,  denounsin  the 
ackshen  uv  Ohio,  and  exhortin  Noo  York  to  stand  firm  in  her 
rescindin  uv  the  ratificashn.  Addishnel  resolooshens  wuz 
passed,  demandin  uv  the  Legislacher  uv  Noo  York  a stricktly 
Democratic  government.  We  insisted  upon  the  immejit  tepeel 
uv  the  Excise  Law,  the  Metropolitan  Poleece  laws,  the  laws  pre- 
ventin  crooelty  to  animals,  the  health  laws,  the  dividin  uv  the 
Skool  Fund  among  the  Catholic  churches,  and  all  the  laws  which 
tend  to  keep  Ablishnists  in  office,  to  the  injoory  uv  the  s’loon 
keeper’s  uv  Noo  York.  This  last  mentioned  class  wuz  added 
at  my  instance.  Ef  the  poleecemen  on  this  beat  wuz  all  taken 
from  my  patrons,  ez  they  will  be  when  the  change  finally  comes, 
wat  a good  thing  I wood  hev  uv  it.  Imagine  twenty  or  thirty 
men,  all  on  good  salaries,  and  with  power  to  arrest  and  go 


612 


DESPONDENCY. 


through  jest  sich  ez  they  please,  and  all  uv  em  spendin  half  or 
three  quarters  uv  their  time  in  my  bar-room ! Majestic  pros- 
peck ! Governor  Hoffman  wood  insist  upon  hurryin  up  this 
thing  ef  he  realized  how  much  we  who  electid  him  are  losin 
by  his  non-ackshen. 

My  biznis  is  tollable  only.  My  customers  are  gettin  in  the 
habit  uv  remarkin  to  me,  ^^jist  mark  it  down/’ after  takin  a 
drink,  which,  sence  I stand  inside  uv  a bar,  I find  to  be  a most 
disgustin  thing.  And  then  my  custom  is  bein  divided.  Sence 
the  Democratic  victory  in  November  makes  a change  in  the 
control  uv  the  city  certin,  five  stores  in  the  immejit  visinity  uv 
my  place  hev  bin  changed  into  s’loons,  and  each  one  draws 
ofi*  suthin  from  me.  But  yit  I make  no  doubt  I shel  git  along. 
My  landlord  will  be  a candidate  for  Alderman  next  spring,  and 
he  can’t  afford  to  bother  me  vei;y  much  for  rent,  and  I am  bizy 
establishin  a credit  at  half  a dozen  wholesale  lickker  stores.  I 
shel  worry  along. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby 
(wich  wuz  Postmaster). 


CLXXXVI. 

MB.  NASBY  IN  A DESPONDENT  FRAME  OF  MIND. 

Looisville  (wich  is  in  the  State  of  Kentucky),  ? 

February  9,  1870.  \ 

I don’t  know  that  reely  there’s  any  more  yoose  in  livin  on 
this  earth.  The  Fifteenth  Amendment  is  adoptid,  and  a nig- 
ger Senator  will  take  the  seat  in  the  Senit  wunst  okkepied  by 
that  marter,  Jetfson  Davis.  It’s  about  time  for  me  to  go  hentz 
— I hev  no  desire  to  remane.  I wood  like  to  stay  long  enough 
to  consoom  the  contents  uv  a red-headed  barrel  in  the  back- 
room uv  my  blessid  grosery  in  Noo  York,  into  wich  I hain’t,  ez 
yet,  put  no  water,  and  probably  I will.  I think  I shel  go 
home,  shut  myself  up  in  that  back  room,  drink  that  partikeler 
barrel  dry,  and  fall  dead  across  it.  Like  Sardanapulus,  my 
kingdom  being  gone,  my  funeral  pile  shel  be  my  throne. 


A KENTUCKY  CONFERENCE. 


613 


I came  on  to  Kentucky  to  aid  by  my  counsel  the  Dimocrisy 
uv  that  State  in  the  present  crisis.  The  nigger  Revel  hez  a 
seat  in  the  Senit  uv  the  Yoonited  States,  and,  uv  course,  no 
white  Kentucky  Dirnocrat  kin  so  degrade  hisself  ez  to  set  in 
that  body  beside  him.  I expected,  uv  course,  that  Garret 
Davis  and  McCreery  wood  immejitly  resine,  and  ez  no  native 
born  Kentucky  Dirnocrat  wood  take  the  place,  and  ez  Ken- 
tucky could  not  afford  to  be  representid  by  a Ablishnist,  it 
okkurred  to  me  that  possibly  there  mite  be  a chance  for  me. 
I am  a Northern  Dirnocrat  by  birth,  and  Northern  t)imocrats 
have  alluz  done  sich  work  for  the  Southerners  ez  the  South- 
erners countid  too  dirty  for  em.  The  only  thing  wich  cood 
stand  in  the  way  wuz  the  fact  that  I left  Kentucky  a year  ago, 
and  am  now  a citizen  of  Noo  York.  But  wat  uv  that?  I kin 
swear  I am  a citizen  uv  Kentucky — I hev  bin  in  Noo  York 
politics  enuff  to  be  able  to  swear  to  anything. 

At  all  events  I went  on  to  my  old  State,  and  got  together  a* 
caucus  uv  the  Dimocratic  members  uv  the  Legislacher  to  con- 
sider this  thing. 

The  Chairman  uv  the  caucus  remarkt  that  the  signs  uv  the 
times  indikated  trouble.  Kentucky,  ef  that  nigger  wuz  ad- 
mitted to  the  Senit,  wuz  virchually  disfranchised,  for  uv  course 
Davis  and  McCreery  cood  not  remain  in  their  seats  beside  him. 
No  Kentucky  gentleman  wood  disgrace  his  proud  State  by 
practically  takin  to  his  buzzum  a male  member  uv  an  inferi- 
or race  — acknollegin  his  equality,  and  workin  quietly  Avith 
him.  Never ! Sooner  than  see  this  he  wood  be  willin  to  see 
the  States  further  South  inoggerate  another  struggle  for  their 
rites,  in  the  event  uv  wich,  Kentucky,  troo  to  the  Yoonyun, 
ez  before,  wood  preserve  a strict  and  dignified  nootrality  by 
sellin  horses  and  provender  impartially  to  both  armies.  He 
hoped  the  gentlemen  Avood  express  their  views  freely. 

A gentleman  from  the  eastern  part  of  the  State  offered  the 
folloAAung  preamble  and.resolushen  : — 

“ JFareas,  The  Senit  of  the  Yoonited  States  is  about  to  admit 
to  a sect  in  that  body  a nigger ; and, 

JVareas,  No  Kentucky  Dirnocrat  Avood  degrade  hisself  by 
sittin  beside  a nigger;  therefore, 

Eesolved,  That  Hon.  Garret  Davis  be  instructed  to  resine, 
to-Avmnst.’^ 


614 


TROUBLE. 


The  resolooshiins  passed  to-wunst,  without  a dissentin  voice, 
and  were  sent  by  telegraph  to  the  Senators  at  Washington, 
after  wich  I begged  permission  to  offer  a remark.  I sed  that 
uv  course  no  Kentuckian  cood  be  found  to  take  them  places 
made  vacant  by  the  two  eminent  men  who  wuz  about  to  leeve 
the  Senit,  but  nevertheless  Kentucky  coodent  afford  to  go  un- 
represented. Is  there  no  Northern  man  uv  Kentucky  princi- 
ples who  will  rush  to  the  front  at  this  crisis  ? 

Twenty  gentlemen  sprang  to  their  feet.  The  one  who  got 
the  eye  uv  the  chairman  remark!  that  Kentucky  shood  alluz  be 
represented  by  Kentuckians.  Davis  and  McCreery  cleerly 
ought  not  to  stay.  They  shood  resine  to-wunst  ez  a protest 
agin  this  outrage,  but  ef  Kentuckians  cood  be  found  who 
wood  accept  the  places  they  should  be  found.  Takin  em,  ez 
they  wood,  ez  a necessity,  there  woodent  be  the  stigma  attached 
to  em  that  there  wood  be  to  the  present  incumbents  ef  they 
shood  remane,  and  possibly  sich  mite  be  found. 

The  Chairman  doubted  whether  there  wuz  a Kentuckian 
who  hed  so  little  respeck  for  hisself.  Ef  a Kentuckian  wuz 
selected,  it  should  be  from  the  membership  uv  the  Legislacher. 
lie  felt  that  it  wuz  the  dooty  uv  some  two  uv  em  to  sacrifice 
theirselves  on  the  altar  uv  their  State.  It  wood  be  a bitter 
degredashun  for  a man,  filled  with  the  memories  uv  the  past, 
to  choke  down  nateral  pride,  and  take  a seet  by  a nigger,  but 
some  one  must  do  it.  He  wood  sejest  that  the  members  pro- 
ceed with  system  in  this  matter.  Let  us  designate,  by  ballot, 
our  wishes.  Let  us  vote  for  a man  to  fill  the  place  to  be  made 
vacant  by  G.  Davis,  and  let  the  member  upon  whom  this  dooty 
devolves  accept  the  sacrifice  in  the  troo  Kentucky  sperit. 
Gentlemen,  prepare  your  ballots  for  a successor  to  Davis,  and 
get  ready  to  shed  a friendly  teer  over  the  fate  uv  the  man 
upon  whom  the  degredashun  falls. 

This  wuz  agreed  to,  each  member  remarkin  that  no  matter 
who  wuz  chosen,  there  wuz  no  law  to  compel  him  to  be  electid 
and  set  beside  a nigger. 

The  members  each  voted  ; the  votes  were  counted  out,  and, 
horror  ! each  member  hed  precisely  one  vote,  and  the  loosenis 
uv  the  hand-writin  on  the  tikkits  made  it  painfully  certin  that 
each  member  hed  votid  for  hisself!  Ez  my  hopes  wuz  bustid, 


DISAPPOINTMENT. 


615 


I coodent  help  singin  out  that  a more  self-sacrificin  body  uy 
men  I never  saw  ! 

Then  commenst  the  most  fearful  squabble  I ever  witnest. 
Gentlemen  got  by  the  ears,  and  pistols  wuz  drawd,  but  jist  ez 
they  were  gettin  ready  for  a sekkond  ballot,  a dispatch  wuz 
received  from  Davis  and  McCreery,  statin  that  while  they  ap- 
preshiated  the  degredashen  uv  their  sitooashen,  and  felt  it 
keenly,  nevertheless,  ez  Kentucky  must  be  represented  in 
the  Senit,  they  rather  thought  they  woodent  resine  at  all  ! Ef 
they  knowd  their  own  hearts  they  thought  theyVl  hold  on  to 
their  soets.  They  might  as  well  be  sacrificed  as  anybody. 

The  gentlemen  mostly  remarked  H — 1 ! as  this  epistle 

wuz  read  to  em,  and  disperst  without  the  formality  uv  an  ad- 
journment. 

I hevent  ez  much  faith  in  Dimocrisy  ez  I yoost  to  hev.  I 
sposed  that  when  that  nigger  wuz  finally  admitted,  that  evry 
Democrat  in  the  Senit  wood  resine  ; but  wat  do  I find  ? Not 
one  hez  done  it,  and  wliole  Legislachers  uv  Democrats  are 
willin  to  take  seats  beside  him  ! 

Wat  kin  we  expect  when  men  are  so  recreant  to  their  man- 
hood ? Is  it  any  wonder  that  I am  tired  uv  life  ? I shel  go 
home  to  Noo  York  to-wunst. 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby 

(wich  wuz  P.  M.). 


CLXXXVII. 

THE  FIFTEENTH  AMENDMENT. 

Harp  uv  Erin  S’loon,  6th  Ward,  ) 
Noo  York,  April  2,  1870.  | 

The  proclamation  uv  the  President  announcin  the  ratification 
uv  the  Fifteenth  Amendment  prodoosed  a profound  sensashen 
in  this  Ward. 

It  wuz  told  to  our  people  by  a reporter  uv  a daily  paper  at 
II  o’clock  this  mornin,  and  it  got  pretty  well  around  among  us 


616 


A MEETING. 


by  3 this  afternoon,  wich  wuz  tollably  rapid,  considerin  that 
intelligence  in  this  Ward  hez  to  be  conveyed  orally.  In  the 
afternoon  it  wuz  resolved  that  a meetin  be  held  in  the  evenin 
to  consult  ez  to  wat  ackshen  the  Dimocrisy  shood  take  in  the 
matter,  wich  wuz  akkordingly  so  done.  I hed  the  back  room 
lit  up,  the  barrels  moved  into  a safe  place  under  the  strongest 
kind  uv  locks,  and  the  bar  closed  and  draped  in  mournin  in 
token  uv  the  hoomiliashen  wich  I felt  had  fallen  onto  the  peo- 
ple in  consekence  uv  this  outrage.  I hung  crape  onto  the 
door;  I put  crape  around  the  portraits  uv  Jaxon,  Chief  Justis 
Chase,  Bookannon,  and  Fernandy  Wood,  and  likewise  around 
the  bottles  and  over  the  red-headed  barrel,  wich  gave  the 
establishment  a highly  funereal  and  mournful  look  wich  wuz 
entirely  satisfactory. 

In  the  evenin  the  Dimocracy  assembled,  and  a more  enraged 
gatherin  I never  saw.  They  wuzn’t  jist  clear  ez  to  wat  the 
President  hed  done  ; indeed  the  most  uv  em  wuz  labrin  under 
the  impreshn  that  the  enfranchisement  uv  the  nigger  wuz 
the  work  uv  the  Democratic  Legislacher  at  Albany,  and 
ther  wuz  indicashens  uv  a determinashen  to  go  thro  some 
of  the  houses  uv  the  Dimocratic  members  in  this  city,  but  I 
stopt  em  by  tellin  em  the  strate  uv  it. 

I asoomed  the  chair,  uv  course,  and  hed,  in  addishen,  to  do 
the  dooties  uv  Sekretary,  bein  the  only  one  then  in  the  meetin 
who  cood  write. 

Teddy  McGinnis  remarked  that  he  felt  a hoomiliashen  wich 
wuz  actooally  beyond  expreshen.  The  dirty  nagur  wuz  now 
his  ekal.  The  only  difference  between  em  hed  bin  removed 
by  this  infamus  law.  Does  any  one  spose  that  he’d  iver 
consint  to  vote  all  day  beside  niggers  ? Niver  ! He  called 
upon  the  Dimocracy  to  jine  him  in  a croosade  agin  em.  Fol- 
low me,”  sed  Teddy,  and  in  Noo  Yorrick,  at  least,  we  won’t 
be  bothered  with  nagur  suffrage,  be  gorra.” 

Pat  McLaughlin  held  simlar  views.  Sooner  than  vote  beside 
nagurs,  he’d  relinquish  the  biznis  uv  votin  altogether,  and  go 
to  sawin  wood.  Bepeetin  is  a good  enuff  biznis,  and  the  small 
conthract  wich  he  hed,  ez  a reward  thereof,  wuz  betther,  but 
he  coodent  stand  nagurs,  nor  woodent.  His  voice  wuz  for 
killin  uv  em. 


ACTION  ARRESTED. 


617 


The  others  made  similar  speeehes,  when  Sandy  McGuire 
offered  a resolooshen  that  the  offerin  uv  a vote  by  a nagur  be 
considered  ez  a declarashen  uv  war  agin  the  Democracy  uv 
Noo  York,  and  that  they  then  be  immegitly  exterminated. 
Sandy  wuz  for  no  half-way  measures.  He  remembered  the 
glorious  Jooly  days  in  1863,  when  the  Democracy  uv  Noo  York 
assertid  itself.  He  hed  assisted  in  destroyin  the  nagur  orphan 
asylum  ; with  this  good  rite  hand  he  hed  beat  out  the  brains 
uv  two  nagurs,  to  say  nothin  uv  the  wimin  and  children 
wich  he  didn’t  consider  worth  countin.  He  longed  to  get  at 
em  agin. 

The  meetin  bein  all  so  yoonanimus  in  their  feelin,  I wrote 
the  follerin  resolooshens  : — 

‘‘  Resolved,  That  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Noo  York,  considerin  and 
beleevin  the  nigger  to  be  a beast,  a burlesk  on  hoomanity,  and 
incapable  uv  dischargin  any  uv  the  dooties  uv  citizenship,  do 
hereby  protest  agin  his  bein  give  the  ballot  on  an  ekality  with 
white  men. 

Resolved,  That  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Noo  York,  ruther  than 
submit  to  this  degredashen,  pledges  itself  to  the  extermina- 
shen  uv  the  accussid  race.” 

The  resolooshens  wuz  adoptid  without  a dissentin  voice,  and 
the  enthoosiastic  McGuire,  brandishin  a shillala,  rushed  out 
and  attackt  a couple  uv  niggers  wich  wuz  passin,  and  knockin 
em  down,  stamped  onto  em  vigrously  with  his  boots,  exclaimin 
the  while,  “ Want  to  vote,  do  yez  ! ” 

The  meetin  wuz  about  to  break  up,  when  Tim  O’ Grady,  a 
man  uv  Fernandy  Wood’s,  come  rushin  in.  Fie  hed  heard  uv 
the  meetin,  and  come  immejitly  to  see  about  it.  I told  him  in 
a breath  wat  hed  bin  done.  “ Thunder  ! ” he  remarkt  to  me 
in  a whisper,  this  won’t  do.  Yoo  eggrejis  old  ass,  the 
niggers  hev  votes,  and  will  vote  now  in  spite  uv  us.  We 
must  git  em,  for  without  em,  with  all  the  rebels  disfranchised, 
wat  kin  we  do  in  the  Southern  States  ? Call  the  meetin  to 
order  agin.” 

I didn’t  like  the  tone  uv  his  alloosiqn  to  me,  but  I called  the 
meetin  to  order  onct  more. 

O’Grady  remarked  to  em  that  there  hed  bin  a misunderstand- 
in.  He  felt  ashoored  that  the  Dimocrisy  uv  Noo  York,  alluz 


618 


A NEW  DEPARTURE. 


the  friends  uv  the  oppressed  and  down  trodden,  wood  now 
genrously  extend  a helpin  hand  to  our  colored  brethren  jist 
elevated  to  full  citizenship.  The  Dimocrisy  hed  not  assisted 
in  their  elevashen,  but  they  hed  no  feelin  agin  our  brethren 
uv  color.  When  our  colored  brethren  come  to  analyze  the 
matter,  they  wood  love  the  Dimocrisy  the  more  for  not  doin  uv 
it.  He  waod  move  the  substitooshen  uv  the  follerin  resoloo- 
shen  for  the  one  wich  hed  bin  unadvisedly  passed : — ' 

Resolved,  That  the  Democrisy  uv  Noo  York  hail  with  a feelin 
uv  pleasure  wich  we  hev  no  words  to  express,  the  elevashen 
uv  our  colored  fellow-citizens  to  full  citizenship,  and  that  we 
pledge  ourselves  to  pertect  em  in  the  enjoyment  uv  ther 
newly-found  rites.” 

The  meetin  didn’t  want  to  pass  it.  The  feelin  agin  em  wuz 
too  deep  sot  to  be  rooted  out  in  a minit,  but  O’Grady  wuz 
determined.  0,  wat  a minit  Wuz  that ! Wuz  the  niggers  to 
be  killed  by  us,  or  wuz  they  to  be  taken  to  our  buzzums. 
Ther  fate  hung  tremblin  in  the  balance  ? Finally  it  wuz  put 
to  vote,  and  the  niggers  wuz  safe.  By  one  majority  the  reso- 
lushen  wuz  passed. 

At  that  minit  a groan  wuz  heard  outside. 

What  is  that,”  asked  O’Grady. 

Some  nagurs  I jist  now  bate  I ” remarks  McGuire. 

Beatin  niggers  ! ” sed  O'Grady.  Good  Lord,  bring  em  in.” 

And  he  rushed  out  and  brought  in  the  two  unfortunates. 
They  were  badly  banged  up  about  the  face,  and  breast,  and 
stumick,  and  legs,  but  O’Grady  wuz  ekal  to  the  emergency. 
He  washed  their  wounds,  and  revived  em  with  whiskey,  and 
bound  up  ther  sores,  and  finally  sot  em  on  ther  feet. 

McGuire  ! ” sed  he,  when  he  hed  the  work  finished, 
‘^McGuire,  embrace  em.” 

McGuire  hed  his  shillala  in  his  hand.  Never  did  I see  a man 
so  torn  with  contendin  emoshens.  Nateral  instinks  compelled 
him  to  drop  that  shillala  on  their  beds  ez  usual,  but  the 
politikle  considerashens  restraned  him.  Twict  under  O’Grady’s 
eye  he  lowered  it,  until  at  last  he  dropt  it,  and  fell  sobbin  with 
emoshen  onto  their  buzzums. 

I took  the  crape  off  the  door,  bottles,  and  picters,  and 
immejitly  illoominated  in  honor  uv  the  event,  and  the  next 


AFTER  THE  ETHIOPIAN. 


619 


moriiin  I put  up  a placard  at  my  door,  No  distinkslien  at  this 
bar  on  account  uv  color.  Ekal  rites  ! 

The  ward  committee  is  takin  prompt  and  vigorous  ackshen 
to  secoor  this  vote.  They  hev  adoptid  the  same  means  they 
yoose  to  control  ther  other  vote.  They  hev  already  start  id  ten 
sdoons,  run  by  colored  men,  to  wich  they  give  all  the  profits, 
and  are  arrangin  ten  more.  There  will  be  a nigger  or  two  put 
onto  the  police  to-wunst.  The  force  will  be  increased  enuff  to 
make  room  for  these  new  ones,  ez  we  darsn’t  discharge  any  uv 
the  Irish.  I’m  goin  for  em  also.  Those  wich  I kin  git  to  drink  ^ 
my  likker  will  vote  my  tikket.  It  will  fetch  em  sure. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby 
(wich  wuz  Postmaster). 


CLXXXVIII. 

MR.  NASBY  ATTEMPTS  TO  GET  POSSESSION  OF 
THE  NEGRO  VOTE. 

Harp  uv  Erin  S’loon,  in  the  Sixth  Ward,  ^ 
Noo  York,  April  12,  1870.  ^ 

The  Noo  York  World,  in  a recent  ishoo,  remark!  that  the 
Nigger  vote  must  come  to  us,  becoz  the  Dimocrisy  had  alluz 
hed  success  in  managin  the  ignerant  and  degradid  classes. 
This  determined  us  to  set  about  sekoorin  the  vote  uv  the  nig- 
ger populashen  in  our  ward  immejitly.  Father  McGrath  in- 
sisted that  it  be  done,  to-wunst,  becoz  the  minit  they  become 
DimOkrats  the  way  wuz  paved  for  their  comin  under  the  sper- 
itooal  direckshen  uv  the  Catholic  Church;  Timm}^  McGee  in- 
sisted that  it  shood  be  done  bocoz  the  element,  ef  opposed  to 
us,  mite  become  dangerous ; Timmy  O’R^^an,  becoz  we  hed 
either  to  incorporate  em  into  our  ranks  or  kill  em,  and  he 
didn’t  beleeve  it  wood  pay  to  raise  another  riot  jist  now ; and 
I wantid  em  attached  to  our  party  becoz  I wantid  em  in  front 
uv  my  bar  reglerly. 

We  decided  that  the  shoorest  way  to  git  at  em  wood  be  to 


620  AN  ETHIOPIAN  SECURED, 

git  one  nigger  interestid  with  us,  who  wood  serve  ez  a decoy 
duck  to  bring  in  the  others.  We  wantid  a nigger  to  assoshate 
with ; to  embrace  and  sich ; to  show  other  niggers  that  we 
cood  and  wood  affilyate  with  em.  We  hed  a terrible  time  a 
gittin  uv  it  startid,  however.  W e got  one  uv  that  race  in  my 
back  room,  and  attempted  to  argoo  the  questions  uv  the  hour 
with  him,  confident  in  our  ability  to  crush  him  by  facts  into 
submishen  to  our  doctrines,  but  the  mizable  devil  pulled  out 
uv  bis  pockit  a copy  uv  the  Constooshn,  and  askt  Teddy  the 
*Lifter  to  read  and  constroo  a sentence  therein,  which  finisht 
that  pertikler  effort.  Teddy,  and  Patsy  O’Rourke,  and  Micky 
Doolan,  who  hed  him  in  hand,  startid  back  at  the  site  uv  that 
book  ez  tho  they  hed  been  shot.  The  cuss  cood  read,  and 
wat  cood  any  uv  em  do  with  sich  a man? 

We  caught  a sick  nigger,  and  hed  him  in  tow  three  days. 
We  nussed  him,  and  fed  him,  and  hed  in  a doctor  for  him, 
wdch  doctor  give  him  medicine  and  Dimocrisy  in  ekal  doses, 
all  uv  wich  he  seeminly  gulped  down  with  ease.  We  got  him 
on  the  skore  uv  gratitood,  and'  he  went  away,  promisin  that  he 
wood  jine  us,  but  the  second  day  he  came  back,  and  laid  down 
on  the  bar  twenty  dollars,  with  the  remark  that  that  sum  wood 
pay  for  all  the  cost  and  trouble  we  hed  been  to  on  bis 
account. 

What  do  yoo  mean?”  sed  I,  sternl^q  sweepin  the  money 
into  the  drawer,  however,  to  make  sure  uv  that. 

Bustin  into  a paroxysm  uv  teers,  he  remarkt  that  ez  low  and 
mean  a nigger  ez  he  wuz,  he  coodent  reely  jine  us.  It  wuz  un- 
fair in  us,  he  sed,  to  take  advantage  uv  his  illness  to  put  him 
under  obligashens  to  us. 

“ I can’t  be  a Dimokrat,”  he  sobbed,  claspin  his  hands  pit- 
eously, ‘‘I  can’t,  reely.  I hev  a gray-haired  mother  livin,  and 
a younger  sister ! I can’t ! I can’t ! for  I’m  spectably  con- 
nected ! ” 

And  he  rushed  out.  It  wuz  forchnit  for  him  that  I wuz 
alone  at  that  time. 

All  our  efforts  to  sekoor  a Ethiopian  to  our  standard  seemed 
to  come  to  naught,  and  we  wuz  just  on  the  confines  uv  despair, 
when  one  mornin  Johnny  O’Shoughnessy  came  rushin  in,  ex- 
claimin,  I’ve  got  it  — I’ve  got  it ! ” 


AXD  PEEPARED. 


621 


“ Got  wat  ? I askt. 

The  Digger  we  want.  In  the  Polece  Court  there’s  a nig- 
ger up-for  drunkenness,  vagrancy,  steelin,  assault  and  battery, 
and  some  'other  things,  and  ez  he  hezn’t  a blasted  cent,  uv 
course  he’ll  be  sent  up  in  short  metre.  We  kin  git  him  shoor, 
ef  we  go  about  it  quickly.  I got  the  Judge  to  hold  on  a bit 
till  I cood  see  you.” 

To-wunst  I seed  a lite.  Rushin  frantically  down  to  the 
court-room,  I gave  myself  ez  bail  for  his  appearance,  wich  the 
Judge,  who  is  a politikle  friend  of  mine,  acceptid,  without 
question,  and  seezin  the  nigger  by  the  coat  collar,  I hustled 
him  off  to  my  place  in  triumph.  Tim  Doolan  spoke  up. 

Will  yoo,”  sez  Tim,  ef  we  get  yoor  discharge,  promise  to 
alluz  vote  the  Dim — ” 

“ Hold  ! ” sez  I quickly,  for  I wuz  afeerd  Tim’s  thoughtless 
precipitancy  mite  rooin  all.  Hold  ! He  ain’t  in  condishen  to 
hev  that  question  put  to  him.  Wait  a minnit.  I understand 
Wat’s  required  to  make  a convert  better  than  yoo  do.” 

And  seezin  a bottle  from  behind  the  bar  I put  it  to  his  lips. 
The  nigger  drank  with  a eagernis  wich  gave  me  hope.  Teddy 
spoke  up  agin,- — 

Will  yoo  promise  to  alluz  vote  — ” 

Hold  ! ” sed  I.  He  hain’t  enough.  Drink  ! ” 

And  the  nigger  emptied  the  bottle. 

Now,”  sed  I,  are  yoo  willin  to  promise  to  alluz  vote  the 
Dimocratic  tikkit;  to  labor  with  your  colored  brethren  to 
bring  em  into  the  fold  uv  the  Dimocrisy,  and  to  do  your  level 
best  to  promote  the  interests  uv  the  Dimocratic  party,  now  and 
forever  ? ” 

The  nigger,  by  this  time  crazy  drunk  (the  likker  wuz  from 
my  own  private  bottle  and  unwatered),  swore  that  he  would 
promise  all  this.  Gib  me  some  mo’  dat  whiskey,”  he  shrieked. 

I gave  him  another  bottle,  and  in  fifteen  minits  he  wuz 
sleepin  the  deep  sleep  wich  the  tite  man  only  knows. 

In  about  four  hours  he  awoke,  and  I thought  it  time  to  ap- 
proach him  on  the  main  question. 

“ Geezer,”  I remarkt,  “ you  must  commence  yoor  work  to- 
nite.  We  shel  git  up  a meetin  uv  colored  men  at  this  place 
for  the  purpose  uv  organiziii  a Colored  Democratic  Club,  and 
you  must  address  em.” 


622 


THE  FAILURE. 


Must  I indoose  em  to  jine  a Dimocratic  Club  ? he  asked. 

“ Certiuly.^^ 

Did  I promise  to  do  it?  ’’ 

Certinly/’I  replied  ; ‘^and^  my  buck,  yoo’d  better  keep  that 
promise  or  Idl  hev  yoo  back  in  the  dock  at  the  Polece  Court 
in  a jiffy.” 

ril  do  it,”  sed  he,  with  the  desperate  air  uv  one  who  hed 
determined  that  life  ain’t  worth  livin  for,  and  is  prepared  for 
anything.  I’ll  do  it,  but  I must  hev  likker  enuff  to  drown  my 
con — wich  is  to  say,  give  me  nerve.” 

Certinly,”  I replied,  all  the  likker  you  want,  but  speek 
yoo  must.” 

The  nite  come,  and  there  wuz  a decent  show  uv  niggers  in 
the  back  room.  But  the  speeker  ! Alas  ! he  wuz  too  far  gone 
to  speek,  and  I hed  to  dismiss  em. 

The  next  mornin  he  swore  he  never  wood  do  it ; and  to  git 
him  to  the  pint  uv  consentin  I give  him  more  likker,  and  he 
got  drunk  again,  and  so  on  it  went,  all  the  week.  The  fix  we 
wuz  in  wuz  suthin  like  this  : — 

1.  We  coodent  approach  a nigger  who  hed  any  standin  or 
inflooense. 

2.  When  we  capcherd  sich  a wun,  he  woodent  hev  anything 
to  do  with  us  when  he  wuz  sober  ,*  and  to  hold  him,  we  hed  to 
keep  him  drunk. 

3.  When  drunk  enuff  to  stay  with  us,  he  wuz  too  drunk  to 
do  wat  we  waiitid. 

After  squandrin  on  this  poor  wretch  at  least  a half  barrel 
of  ez  good  likker  ez  ever  soothed  my  shrinkin  sole,  I wuz  com- 
pelled to  hev  him  re-arrested  and  sent  up  for  a year  or  two.  1 
coodent  stand  no  sich  drain  on  my  finances,  nor  cood  I bear  to 
see  so  much  likker  wastid  on  a nigger. 

The  cuss  took  his  sentence  joyfully.  It’s  hard,”  he  sed, 
but  it’s  better  than  wat  yoo  perposed.” 

This  nigger  question  is  the  problem  uv  the  age.  How  it 
will  be  solved  puzzles  me.  May  Heaven  send  us  wisdom. 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby 
(wich  wuz  Postmaster). 


“ FAREWELL.’^ 


623 


A FEW  LAST  WORDS.  — THE  WRITER  HEREOF  BIDS 
HIS  READERS  FAREWELL,  AND  HURLS  A TRIFLE 
OF  EXHORTATION  AFTER  THEM. 


Poets  Lev  remarked  a great  many  times,  too  tejns  to  enoo- 
merate,  that  farewell  ” is  the  saddist  word  to  prononnce  wich 
hez  to  be  pronounst.  It  may  be  so  among  poets,  wich  are 
spozed  to  be  a continyooally  carryin  about  with  em  a load  uv 
sadnis,  and  sensibilities,  and  sich ; but  I hev  never  found  it 
so.  The  fact  is,  it  depends  very  much  on  how  yoo  say  it, 
under  wat  circumstances,  and  to  whom.  Wen,  in  my  infancy, 
I wuz  inkarseratid  in  the  common  jail  uv  my  native  village,  in 
Noo  Jersey,  a victim  to  the  prejudisis  uv  twelve  men,  who 
believed,  on  the  unsupportid  testimony  uv  three  men,  and  the 
mere  accident  uv  the  missin  property  bein  found  in  my  posses- 
sion (notwithstandin  the  fact  that  I solemmly  asshoored  em 
that  I didn’t  know  nothin  about  it,  and  if  I did  it,  it  must 
hev  bin  in  a somnamboolic  state),  that  I hed  bin  guilty  uv 
bustin  open  a grosery  store,  and  takin  twelve  boxes  of  che- 
root cigars,  I asshoor  yoo  that,  at  the  end  uv  the  sentence, — 
hevin  bin  fed  on  bread  and  water,  — the  sayin  of  farewell  to 
the  inhuman  jailer  wuzn’t  at  all  onpleasant.  Likewise,  when, 
in  the  State  uv  Penijsylvany,  in  the  eggscitin  campane  uv 
1856,  I votid  twict  or  four  times  for  that  eminent  and  gilelis 
patriot,  Jeems  Bookannon,  and  wuz  hauled  up  therefor,  and 
sentenced  by  a Ablishn  Judge  to  a year  in  the  Western  Pen- 
itentiary, after  an  elokent  speech,  in  wich  I reviewed  the 
whole  question  at  issue  between  the  parties,  and  ashoored 
him  that  my  triflin  irregularity  in  the  matter  uv  votin  grew 
out  uv  an  overweenin  desire  for  the  salvashen  of  my  beloved 
country,  — that,  feelin  that  rooin  wuz  ahead  uv  us,  onless  that 
leveler  Fremont  wuz  defeated,  I felt  that  ray  conshence  wood 
not  be  easy  onless  I did  all  in  my  power  to  avert  the  evil,  — 
when  I emerged  from  them  gloomy  walls,  with  one  soot  of 


CoNFEDRiT  X Roads 
(wich  is  in  the  Stait  uv  Kentucky) 
May  12,  1870. 


624 


THE  NIGGER  VOTES. 


close,  and  a tolable  knowledge  uv  the  shoemakin  biznis,  wuz 
it  a sad  thing  for  me  to  say  Farewell  to  the  grim  jailer, 
whose  key  turned  one  way  wuz  liberty,  and  tother  way  wuz 
captivity?  Nary. 

These  two  instances,  I beleeve,  is  the  only  ones  in  wich  I 
hev  ever  hed  to  say  farewell.  In  the  course  uv  my  long  and 
checkered  career  (I  do  not  here  allood  to  the  style  uv  dothin 
in  the  Penitentiary),  I am,  when  I think  uv  it,  surprised  at 
the  comparatively  few  times  wich  I ever  left  a place  at  wich  I 
hed  bin  stay  in,  in  daylite  ! I ginerally  went  in  the  nite, — 

“ Foldin  my  tent  like  the  Arab, 

And  ez  silently  steelin  away,” 

hevin  too  much  sensibility  to  be  an  onwillin  witnis  uv  the 
agony  of  landladies,  when  they  diskivered  that  I cood  not 
pay.  Knowin  the  softnis  uv  my  heart,  I hev  alluz  hed  a great 
regard  fo;:  my  feelins. 

I bid  my  readers  farewell  in  a period  uv  gloom  rarely 
ekaUed,  and  never  surpast,  for  the  Democrisy.  Never  in  my 
recollekshun  wuz  the  party  in  sich  a state  uv  abject  cussi- 
tood.  The  Northern  States  have  slipt  from  our  grasp  one  by 
one,  ontil  none  remains  wich  we  kin  fondly  call  ourn.  The 
Border  States  are  losin  their  Dimocrisy,  and  rallyin  under  the 
black  banner  uv  Ablishinism  ; and  the  States  which  we  kin 
control  hevent  got  strength  enuff  to  do  any  more  than  to  send 
a few  Senators  and  Representatives  to  Congress,  wich  don’t  do 
us  no  good.  They  are  very  like  the  itch,  — they  irritate,  but 
don’t  kill. 

The  Fifteenth  Amendment  is  now  a law,  and  the  nigger 
votes.  The  Nigger  Votes!  Ther  ain’t  no  doubt  about  it. 
The  Dimocrat  uv  Kentucky,  uv  Ohio,  uv  Noo  York,  and  Inje- 
any  must,  from  this  time  hentzforth  and  forever,  go  to  the  poles 
beside  niggers,  and  must  stand  by  calmly,  and  put  his  ballot 
into  the  box  beside  theirn  ! Wat  degredashen  ! Lovejoy  wuz 
killed  in  vain,  and  the  mobbins  uv  Garrison,  and  Baily,  and 
the  other  apossels  uv  Ablishnism  goes  for  naught.  Methinks 
I see  the  gosts  uv  Lovejoy,  and  Lundy,  and  John  Brown,  a 
hoverin  in  the  air,  and  clappin  their  sperit  hands,  and  shoutin 
in  sperit  voices,  Halleloojy  ! Methinks  I see  over  agin  em  the 


THE  HOPE  OF  DEMOCRACY. 


625 


gosts  uv  Wigfall,  and  Mason,  and  the  other  worthies,  wringin 
their  sperit  hands,  and  sheddin  speritooal  tears  ! Niggers  at 
the  ballot-box — niggers  on  joories  — niggers  in  offis  — nig- 
gers on  railroads  — niggers  in  churches  — niggers  every- 
where ! Thank  Heaven  I am  an  old  man,  and  can’t  live  long, 
anyhow.  I hev  fought  a good  fight  — but,  Heavens  ! how  I 
hev  bin  walloped. 

Nevertheless,  Dimocrisy  will  not  die.  It  hez  endoored  sich 
defeats  afore,  and  hez  survived.  So  it  will  this  time.  It  is 
passin  through  the  valley  and  the  shadder  now,  but  it  will 
emerge  yit  in  the  sunlite  uv  victry.  Suthin  will  come  in 
time, —what,  I can’t,  with  any  degree  uv  certinty,  now  state; 
but  suthin  will  come.  The  Ablishnists  cannot  alluz  rool.  The 
cuss  uv  the  old  Whig  party  wuz,  that  the  respective  indi- 
vidooal  members  thereof  cood  read  and  write,  and  hed  a knack 
uv  doin  their  own  thinkin,  and  therefore  it  could  not  be  brot 
into  that  state  uv  dissipline  so  nessary  to  success  ez  a party. 
That  same  cuss  is  a hangin  onto  the  Ablishnists.  They  hung 
together  from  1856  to  1860  coz  there  wuz  wat  they  called  a 
prinsipple  at  stake  ; and  on  that  prinsipple  they  elected  Lin- 
kin.  They  wood  hev  fallen  to  peeces  then,  but  our  Southern 
brethren  decided  to  commence  operashens  for  the  new  gov- 
erment  it  hed  so  long  desired ; and  the  overwhelmin  pressur 
uv  the  war  smothered  all  miner  ishoos  and  all  individooal 
feelin,  and  they  hung  together  long  enough  to  see  that  thro. 

But  now  that  question  is  settled.  The  nigger  — cuss  him  — 
is  free,  and  hez  the  legitimit  result  of  freedom,  the  ballot. 
The  iron  bond  wich  held  em  together  is  gone,  and  they  will 
split,  and  our  openin  is  made. 

We  hev  a solid  phalanx,  wich  they  can’t  win  over  or  detach 
from  us.  We  hev  them  old  veterans  who  voted  for  Jaxon, 
and  who  are  still  votin  for  him.  We  hev  them  sturdy  old  yeo- 
manry who  still  swear  that  Bloo  Lite  Fedralism  ought  to  be 
put  down,  and  can’t  be  tolerated  in  a Republikin  Goverment, 
and  who,  bless  their  old  souls  ! don’t  know  no  more  what  Bloo 
Lite  Fedralism  wuz  than  an  unborn  baby  does  uv  Guy  Fawkes. 
We  hev  that  solid  army  uv  voters  whose  knees  yawn  hidjusly, 
and  whose  coats  is  out  at  elbows,  and  whose  children  go  bare- 
foot in  winter,  while  their  dads  is  a drinkin  cheap  whiskey,  and 
40 


626 


THE  OLD  GUARD. 


damin  the  Goverment  for  imposin  a income  tax.  We  hev  the 
patriotic  citizins  whose  noses  blossom  like  the  lobster,  and  we 
hev  Ireland.  There  is  ships  a sailin  the  bloo  sea  forever,  and 
so  long  ez  a Irishman  kin  git  to  the  coast  with  money  enuff  to 
pay  a passage  to  Ameriky,  so  long  we  kin  depend  on  reinforce- 
ments. The  Pope  uv  Rome  is  our  friend,  and  so  long  ez  ther 
is  a Pope  and  a distillery,  so  long  will  there  be  a Dimokratio 
party  in  the  Yoonited  States. 

These  classes  argyment  won’t  move,  and  reasonin  won’t  tetch. 
They  alluz  hev  ben  oiirn,  and  they  alluz  will.  In  this  country 
ther  will  alluz  be  two  parties,  and  these  elements  will  alluz  act 
with  us,  becoz  they  are  naterally  ourn.  They  belong  to  our 
organizashen,  and  woodent  be  comfortable  anywhere  else. 
They  will  be  with  us  in  obejence  to  that  law  in  Nacher  wich 
puts  evry thing  in  its  proper  place.  We  hev  the  proper  asso- 
siashens  for  these  classes,  and  no  others.  Nacher  nev-er  wastes 
nothin  — she  gives  us  all  we  kin  enjoy.  The  bird  that  soars 
into  the  bloo  empyrium  wuz  made  to  soar  into  the  bloo  em- 
pyrium,  and  consekently  wuz  provided  with  holler  bones  and 
wings.  Sposn  the  elefant  shood  hev  a cravin  to  soar  into  the 
bloo  empyrium  (I  like  that  word — its  hefty),  woodent  it  be 
continyooally  mizable  becoz  it  coodent  sore  into  the  bloo  empyr- 
ium ? 

Likewise.  Nacher  alluz  makes  a stingy  man  lean  and  thin. 
Why?  Becoz.  Spozn  nacher  shood  give  a mean  man  the 
entrales  and  stumick  uv  a liberal  man  and  a good  liver.  Don’t 
you  see  that  his  hevin  the  sed  entrales  and  stumick,  and  the 
desires  appertainin,  and  the  meanness  that  prevented  his  fillin 
em,  wood  make  him  mizable  ? So,  ez  nacher  didn’t  give  him 
the  disposition  to  fill  stumick  and  entrales,  she  didn’t  also  give 
him  the  stumick  and  entrales  to  fill.  All  uv  wich  goes  to 
show  that  he  who  is  fitted  to  be  a Dimekrat  will  be  a Demo- 
krat,  and  that  ez  the  Millenium  is  a long  way  off,  there  will 
alluz  be  enuff  so  fitted  to  make  a tollably  strong  party. 

The  discouraged  Dimokrat  may  say  that  preechers,  and 
noosepapers,  and  Sundy  skools,  and  sich,  are  underminin  their 
party.  In  time  they  will,  but  not  yet.  Uv  wat  danger  is 
preechers  to  these  men,  when  yoo  coodent  git  one  uv  em  with, 
in  gun-shot  uv  one  ? and  wat  harm  is  noosepapers  to  em,  when 


WORDS  OF  GOOD  CHEER. 


627 


they  can’t  read  ? Besides,  we  are  not  at  the  end  uv  our  re- 
sources yet.  When  the  wust  comes  to  the  wust,  there  is  the 
nigger  left  us.  It  isn’t  certin  that  we  won’t  control  him  even- 
chooally.  They  ain’t  educated  ez  yit,  and  Dimocrisy  never 
yet  failed  to  control  all  uv  the  lower  orders  uv  sosiety.  They 
hev  the  -lowest  grade  uv  the  furriners  ; they  hev  Delaware 
and  Maryland  ; they  hev  Noo  York  city  and  Suthern  Illinoy ; 
and  ef  ^YQ  kin  git  at  him  afore  he  reaches  the  spellin-book,  he’s 
ourn  beyond  peradvencher. 

Then  there’s  new  territory  to  be  acquired,  wich  is  full  uv 
material  for  us.  There  is  Mexico  a ripenin  for  us.  That  country 
wood  cut  up  into  at  least  twenty  States,  wich,  added  to  the 
ten  we  hev,  wood  make  a clean  majority  wich  we  cood  hold  for 
years.  Massachoosets  cood  do  nuthin  in  Mexico.  The  Greasers 
ain’t  adapted  to  Massachoosets.  Ef  they  sent  their  long-haired 
teachers  there  with  their  spellin-books,  they’d  end  their  labors 
by  lettin  a knife  into  their  intestines  for  the'  clothes  they  wore, 
wich  wood  put  a check  on  the  mishnary  biznis.  They  are,  it  is 
troo,  several  degrees  lower  in  the  skale  uv  humanity  than  the 
niggers,  but  then  they  ain’t  niggers,  and  we  cood  marry  em 
without  feelin  that  we’d  degraded  ourselves.  Mexico  atfords 
us  room  for  hope  ; we  never  shel  run  out  uv  material  for  Dim- 
ocratic  votes  until  she  is  convertid,  and  but  few  mishnaries 
wood  hev  the  nerve  to  tackle  her. 

Therfore  1 say  to  the  Dimocrisy,  be  uv  good  cheer  ! Ther’s 
a brite  day  a dawnin.  Ef  we  are  laid  out  agin  and  agin,  we 
kin  console  ourselves  with  the  reflection  that  we’re  yoost  to  it, 
and  we  kin  go  on  hopin  for  the  good  time  tliat  must  come. 

Let  us  hold  onto  our  faith,  and  continyoo  to  run,  hopin  even- 
tooally  to  be  glorified.  Let  us  still  cherish  the  faith  that  even- 
chooally  the  American  people  will  not  refooze  the  boon  we 
offer  em,  and  persevere  even  unto  the  perfeck  end.  When 
‘ this  good  time  is  come,  then  will  the  anshent  Dimocrisy,  uv 
wich  I hev  bin  to-wunst  a piller  and  ornament  for  thirty  years, 
triumph,  and  layin  off  the  armor  of  actooal  warfare,  I shel  rest 
in  that  haven  uv  worn-out  patriots,  — a perpetooal  Post  Offis. 
May  the  day  be  hastened  ! Farewell ! 

Petroleum  Y.  Nasby,  P.  M. 
(wich  wuz  Postmaster). 


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^^CUSSID  BE  CAJSfAAJSr!’^ 


A LECTURE 

DELIVERED  AT  MUSIC  HALL,  BOSTON,  DEC.  22,  1867. 


We  are  all  descended  from  grandfathers.  Nearly  a century 
ago  the  grandfathers  of  some  of  us,  in  convention  assembled, 
uttered  as  doctrine,  which  they  believed  could  not  be  gain- 
say ed,  these  words:  We  hold  these  truths  to  be  self-evident, 

that  all  men  are  created  equal ; that  they  are  endowed  by  their 
Creator  with  certain  inalienable  rights ; that  among  these  are 
life,  liberty,  and  the  pursuit  of  happiness.'^ 

Thomas  Jefferson  was  the  particular  grandfather  who  wrote 
these  high-sounding  words,  and,  as  a consequence,  he  has  been 
ever  since  hailed  as  the  father  of  the  only  political  party  which 
never  believed  in  them.  My  particular  mission  is  to  show  that 
Jefferson  was  a most  shallow  person,  which  opinion  of  Jeffer- 
son is  very  general  in  the  South.  True,  the  Democracy  claim 
him  as  its  father ; but  when  we  remember  that  the  same  party 
claim  Jackson,  the  strangler  of  secession,  as  another  father,  we 
can  easily  see  how  that  can  be.  We  have  claimed  these  men 
as  ancestors  only  since  they  departed  this  life.  Should  they 
rise  from  the  dead,  and  be  blessed  with  a view  of  their  reputed 
sons,  particularly  the  branch  of  the  family  that  has  taken  up 
its  residence  in  the  city  of  New  York,  they  would,  I doubt 
not,  hold  up  their  hands  in  horror,  and  exclaim,  ICs  a wise 
father  who  knows  his  own  child. 

It  was  well  enough  for  Jefferson  to  assert  the  equality  of 
men  before  there  was  profit  in  inequality;  but  had  he  been 
really  a prophet,  he  would  have  done  no  such  thing.  In  his 

629 


630 


HOW  THE  DECLARATION  SHOULD  READ. 


day  Slavery  was  unprofitable,  and,  consequently,  not  the  holy 
thing  it  has  been  since.  The  slaves  were  burdens  instead  of 
aids,  for  the  planters  w’ere  compelled  to  provide  for  them. 
The  hogs  ate  the  corn,  and  the  negroes  ate  the  hogs,  leaving 
the  poor  owners  only  what  they  left.  But  happily  there  came 
a change.  An  ingenious  Yankee  invented  the  cotton  gin, 
slave  labor  became  valuable,  and,  presto  ! the  doctrine  of  the 
equality  of  men  was  consigned  to  the  limbo  for  worn-out  and 
useless  rubbish,  and  Jefferson  went  out  of  fashion.  Had  he 
been  really  desirous  of  being  held  up  as  the  prophet  of  the 
people  who  afterwards  claimed  him  as  such,  we  should  not 
have  had  the  forcible  sentences  I have  read.  He  would  have 
diluted  them  into  something  like  this : “We  hold  these  sup- 
posed  truths  to  be  tolerably  self-evident,  that,  as  a rule,  all 
white  men  are  created  equal ; that  they  are  endowed  by  their 
Creator  with  divers  and  sundry  rights,  which  may  be  con- 
sidered inalienable  ; that  among  these  are  life,  liberty,  and  the 
pursuit  of niggers  ! ” 

It  will  be  observed  that  the  two  Declarations  differ  some- 
what. One  is  as  Jefferson  wrote  it,  and  the  other  is  the  ver- 
sion we  use  at  Confedrit  X Roads. 

Jefferson  was  in  fault  in  his  lack  of  appreciation,  and  strange 
omission  of  the  word  “ white. The  same  omission  is  painfully 
observable  in  all  the  literature  of  the  world.  I have  searched 
faithfully  the  realms  of  poetry  and  history,  and  am  compelled 
to  acknowledge  that  nowhere  outside  of  the  Constitutions  of 
certain  States  is  the  word  “ white  made  a necessary  prefix 
to  the  word  “ man.’’  And  against  this  1 protest.  Literature 
should  conform  to  law,  and  to  the  great  Caucasian  idea.  The 
term  employed  to  designate  responsible  beings  in  the  Constitu- 
tions of  our  States  being  “ white  male,”  I insist  that  we  go 
through  all  our  books,  and  substitute  “ white  male  ” for  “ man  ” 
wherever  the  word  occurs.  Thus  we  shall  make  Sir  Walter 
Scott  say, — 

“ Breathes  there  a white  male,  with  soul  so  dead.” 

Addison  shall  say,  in  Cato,  — 


“ When  vice  prevails,  and  impious  white  males  bear  sway, 
The  post  of  honor  is  the  private  station.” 


AND  THE  BIBLE. 


631 


111  Macbeth,  the  murderers  shall  saj,  — 

“ We  are  white  males,  my  liege.” 

And  Macbeth  shall  answer, — 

“ Aye,  in  the  catalogue  ye  go  for  white  males.” 

And  Othello,  before  the  senators, — 

“ She  swore,  i’  faith,  ’twas  strange  — ’twas  passing  strange ; — 

’Twas  pitiful ; ’twas  wondrous  pitiful. 

She  wished  she  had  not  heard  it,  yet  she  wished 
That  Heaven  had  made  her  sucli  a white  male.” 

But  in  the  Bible  the  improvement  would  shine  out  in  a 
clearer  and  stronger  light.  In  our  Caucasian  — our  white 
men’s  Bibles — we  shall  have  such  words  as  these:  — 

1 Samuel  13 : 14,  — 

“ A white  male  after  his  own  heart.” 

2 Samuel  12  : 7,  — 

“ And  Nathan  said  unto  David,  Thou  art  the  white  male.” 

Psalms  37:37,  — 

“ Mark  the  perfect  white  male,  and  behold  the  upright;  for  the  end  of  that 
white  male  is  peace.” 

“Thou  shalt  love  the  Lord  thy  God,  and  thy  white  male  fellow-citizen  as 
thyself.” 

And  in  the  mouth  of  our  Saviour  we  shall  put  these  words  : — 

“ Suffer  little  white  children  to  come  unto  me,  and  forbid  them  not,  for  of 
such  is  the  kingdom  of  heaven.” 

This  passage  would  be  especially  grateful  to  us  of  Kentucky, 
showing  as  it  would  that  the  distinction  between  the  races 
would  be  kept  up  through  all  eternity.  But,  unfortunately,  the 
Books  do  not  so  read.  The  American  people,  when  slave 
labor  became  of  value,  forsook  Jefferson,  put  the  word  white  ” 
into  their  laws,  and  painted  the  word  “ nigger  ” on  their  ban- 
ners, which  word  has  been  a political  Shibboleth  ever  since. 
It  is  this  Nigger  which  we  shall  investigate  to-night,  I am 
the  more  anxious  that  the  people  shall  understand  the  nature 
of  this  being,  and  the  absurdity  of  the  attempt  to  elevate 
him  into  manhood,  for  the  reason  that  an  effort  to  that  end  is 
now  being  made.  The  insane  agitators,  who  deny  the  truth  of 
Kentucky  theology,  are  resisting  us  in  our  efforts  to  put  him 
in  his  old  place.  In  the  face  of  our  desires,  they  insist  upon 


632 


“ NIGGER  ” AND  NEGRO. 

deluging  the  country  with  Massachusetts^  and  making  of  the 
South  a second  New  England,  — factories,  farms,  churches, 
school-houses  and  all. 

Upon  the  957th  page  of  the  Dictionary  you  will  find  the 
word  negro  defined  as  follows  : One  of  the  black,  woolly- 

headed, thick-lipped,  flat-nosed  race  of  men  inhabiting  Africa.” 
The  Negro  of  the  Dictionary  is  not  the  individual  of  whom  I 
shall  speak.  The  Negro  I know  nothing  about;  the  Nigger 
I have  spent  much  time  in  investigating,  and  flatter  myself  I 
understand  it  thoroughly.  I say  it  of  the  Nigger,  and  liimoi 
the  Negro,  for  there  is  a wide  difference  between  them.  The 
Negro  is  a man^'horw  in  Africa,  or  descended  from  natives  of 
that  country  ; the  Nigger  is  an  idea,  which  exists  only  in  the 
imagination  of  persons  of  the  haughty  Caucasian  race  resi- 
dent in  the  United  States.  It  is  an  idea  which  sways  men, 
and  influences  their  action,  without  having  being;  a myth, 
which  influences  the  world,  without  possessing  form  or  shape. 
It  is  possessed  of  many  attributes,  is  many-sided,  many-shaped, 
vastly  endowed,  and  fearfully  and  wonderfully  made.  To  clear 
up  as  I go,  I may  as  well  specify  some  of  the  peculiarities  of 
the  Nigger.  For  instance,  it  is  firmly  believed  that  he  could 
never  provide  for  himself ; but  those  so  contending,  also  de- 
clare that  the  wealth  of  the  country  is  dependent  upon  him,  and 
that  without  him  weeds  would  grow  in  the  streets  of  our  cities. 
It  was  asserted  that  he  would  not  labor  ; yet  the  same  men 
undertook  the  large  job  of  conquering  the  North,  that  they 
might  continue  to  enjoy  thp  fruits  of  his  labor.  He  was  said 
to  be  so  stupid  as  to  be  incapable  of  receiving  even  the  rudi- 
ments of' an  education,  and  yet  we  found  it  necessary,  in  our 
States,  to  pass  stringent  laws,  with  fearful  penalties  attached,  to 
prevent  him  from  doing  it ! It  was  held  by  eloquent  speakers 
that  he  would  invade  the  North,  and,  as  he  was  too  indolent  to 
work,  he  would  fill  our  almshouses  and  jails  ; and  the  same 
speakers  would  assert  a moment  later,  with  equal  eloquence, 
that,  accustomed  as  he  always  had  been  to  labor,  he  would 
work  for  less  pay  than  white  men,  and  throw  them  all  out  of 
employment.  This  last  assertion,  I have  noticed,  was  always 
made  by  gentlemen  in  the  vicinity  of  bar-rooms,  whose  noses 
were  solferino-hued,  whose  hats  were  crownless,  and  whose 


THE  HATERS  OF  NIGGER  EQUALITY. 


633 


wives,  for  amusement  probably,  took  in  washing  to  feed  the 
children.  It  is  an  unfortunate  fact  for  us,  that  men  who  labor 
in  earnest  have  never  been  afraid  of  the  competition  of  the 
Nigger.  Lower  down  in  the  scale  of  creation  than  the  baboon, 
they  were  fearful  he  would,  if  not  restrained  by  law,  teach 
their  schools,  sit  as  judges,  and  be,  elected  to  Congress  ; so 
repulsive  in  appearance  had  they  painted  him,  with  his  thick 
lips,  black  face,  and  kinky  hair,  that  the  very  thought  of  one 
would  make  a white  damsel  shudder ; nevertheless  they 
demanded  the  enactment  of  laws  in  States  where  women  may 
choose  their  husbands  unrestrained,  to  prevent  these  same 
white  damsels  from  marrying  them.  Immeasurably  beneath 
them  in  every  particular,  they  felt  called  upon  to  perpetually 
cry,  Protect  us  from  nigger  equality  ! ” — and  so  on. 

Jefferson’s  fault  was  the  result  of  a lack  of  knowledge.  He 
knew  all  about  the  Negro,  but  nothing  about  the  Nigger,  and 
it  was  well  for  him,  therefore,  that  he  lived  in  the  year  of  oun 
Lord  1776.  Had  he  lived  ninety  years  later,  and  enunciated 
the  same  doctrine,  we  should  have  shot  him,  as  we  did  Love- 
joy.  Were  he  alive  now,  he  could  not  have  been  elected  to 
Congress  in  the  district  represented  by  the  Hon.  John  Mor- 
risey  ! No,  indeed  ! The  gentlemen  who  left  their  native  soil 
because  of  the  scarcity  of  this  equality  (and  of  potatoes),  the 
men  who  would  have  been  carpet-baggers  but  for  the  lack  of 
carpet-bags,  — those  who  have  kindly  taken  charge  of  the 
politics  of  several  of  the  Atlantic  cities,  — these  men  are  the 
sharp  sticklers  that  the  distinctions  between  man  and  man 
which  drove  them  from  the  land  of  their  birth  be  kept  up 
here.  Their  motto  is,  One  man  is  as  good  as  another  ; ” but 
when  their  eyes  rest  upon  a black  man,  they  very  properly 
add,  and  better  too  ! ” This  class  have  cultivated  such  a 
delightful  hatred  of  the  Nigger  that  they  won’t  even  drink  with 
one,  unless,  indeed,  the  Nigger  pays  for  the  fluids.  This 
makes  some  difference.  And  that  this  distinction  may  be  kept 
up,  we  have  interpolated  into  Jefferson’s  Declaration  the  word 
white,”  and  assert,  vehemently,  that  both  Scripture  and 
science,  of  which  we  know  much,  justify  the  interpolation.  In 
Kentucky,  we  don’t  take  the  Declaration  of  Independence  as 
we  do  our  whiskey,  straight,  but  we  sweeten  it  to  our  taste. 


634 


THE  AFFAIR  OF  NOAH. 


We  have  all  the  passages  of  Scripture  relating  to  it  at  our 
tongues’  end.  At  the  Corners,  you  can  hear  at  any  time  those 
whose  appearance  hardly  denotes  erudition,  whose  noses 
blossom  as  the  lobster,  whose  hair  asserts  impatience  of  re- 
straint by  obtruding  itself  through  the  corners  of  their  hats, 
whose  toes  manifest  themselves  through  their  ventilated  shoes, 
and  to  whose  perpendicularity  posts  are  necessary,  exclaim, 
unctuously,  And  Noer  planted  a vineyard,  and  drank  of  the 
wine,  and  was  drunken.  Cussid  be  Canaan.” 

Having  dwelt  as  long  as  is  profitable  upon  the  attributes 
of  this  interesting  being,  I pass  to  an  examination  of  his 
origin.  It  is  found  in  the  9th  chapter  of  Genesis.  The  world, 
sunk  in  wickedness,  was  destroyed  by  a flood.  But  it  was  not 
the  design  of  the  Almighty  to  exterminate  the  race.  I will 
not  stop  here  to  argue  whether  it  would  have  been  better  to 
have  made  clean  work  of  it  or  not.  I was  in  New  York  a few 
weeks  ago,  and  thought,  perhaps,  it  would.  Be  that  as  it 
may,  one  family  he  preserved  in  an  ark,  and  when  the  tempests 
that  had  wrought  His  judgments  had  subsided,  and  the  puri- 
fied earth  was  again  fit  for  the  occupancy  of  man,  this  family 
left  their  floating  home,  and  went  out  upon  its  face.  The 
Book  gives  a short,  though  satisfactory  account  of  what  fol- 
lowed. Noah,  six  hundred  years  old  at  the  time,  having  seen 
nothing  but  water  for  nearly  twelve  months,  wanted  a change. 
He  planted  a vineyard,  pressed  the  grapes,  drank  the  wine 
therefrom,  and  was  drunken  ; which  was  a very  indiscreet  per- 
formance for  one  at  his  age.  Had  he  been  a mere  infant  of  one 
or  two  hundred  years,  it  wouldn’t  have  been  so  singular,  but  a 
mature  man  of  six  hundred  ought  to  have  known  better.  It 
has  always  been  a mystery  at  the  Corners  how  Noah  could 
become  inebriated  on  so  thin  a drink  as  new  wine.  Deacon 
Pogram  remarked  that  Noah  wuzn’t  a seasoned  vessel.  In 
that  condition  he  lay  down  within  his  tent  with  insufficient 
clothing  upon  him.  As  it  was  in  the  beginning,  so  it  is  now, 
and  ever  shall  be.  To  this  day  the  man  who  drinks  will 
sooner  or  later  get  down  with  too  little  clothing  upon  him. 
Ham,  his  youngest  son,  saw  him,  and  laughingly  told  his 
brethren.  Shem  and  Japheth  reproved  Ham  for  his  levity, 
and  took  their  garments  upon  their  shoulders,  and  going  back- 


WHO  ARE  WHITE  MEN. 


635 


ward,  laid  them  upon  him.  When  Noah  awoke,  he  knew  what 
'Ham  had  done,  and  he  cursed  him  in  these  words:  Cursed  be 

Canaan ; a servant  of  servants  shall  he  be  unto  his  brethren.’^ 

Upon  this  one  act  of  our  common  father  hung  momentous 
results.  That  one  draught  of  wine  set  in  motion  a succession 
of  events  that  affected  the  fate  of  the  greatest  nation  of  the 
world,  in  all  conceivable  ways,  from  the  election  of  constables 
to  the  fighting  of  great  battles.  For  in  that  cup  of  wine  was 
Democracy,  — then  and  there  it  was  born,  and  that  cup  of 
wine  gave  that  party  its  Nigger  — all  the  capital  it  ever  had. 
The  temperance  people  tell  us  that  in  every  cup  of  wine  there 
is  a devil ; in  this  cup  you  will  acknowledge  there  was  a 
large  and  particularly  lively  one. 

The  drinking  of  this  wine,  and  the  drunkenness  that  it  pro- 
duced upon  the  inexperienced  Noah,  was  the  cause  of  a divis- 
ion of  the  human  race  into  two  classes, — white  men  and 
niggers.  Under  the  head  of  white  men,  we  class  the  red 
man  of  America,  with  his  aquiline  nose,  coppery  complexion, 
and  straight  hair  ; the  Mongolian,  with  his  olive-colored  skin, 
black  hair,  and  flat  nose;  the  Caucasian,  with  his  fair  com- 
plexion, hair  of  all  colors,  and  features  of  all  shapes ; the  Celt, 
with  his  variable  features  ; and  — Democrats.  A Democrat  is 
counted  a Avhite  man,  no  matter  what  his  complexion  may  be  ; 
no  matter  what  the  color  of  his  hair  — or  nose.  All  the  rest 
of  the  human  family  — and  Radicals  — we  set  down  as  Niggers. 
To  the  white  race  we  ascribe  all  the  glory  of  the  South  — to 
the  others  nothing. 

This  elevation  of  the  white  race,  and  consequent  degrada- 
tion of  the  black,  is  justified  by  the  few  of  us  who  read  the 
Bible,  by  the  sin  of  Ham  ; though,  by  the  way,  we  have  noth- 
ing to  say  in  particular  of  the  sin  of  Noah,  which  preceded 
and  led  to  k,  Noalfs  sin  being  one  that  we  are  compelled, 
for  obvious  reasons,  to  look  upon  with  much  leniency. 

To  be  frank,  I have  never  believed  that  poor  Ham  was  fairly 
dealt  with.  1 have  always  pitied  Ham.  He  was,  doubtless, 
a great,  good-natured  fellow,  with  a keen  appreciation  of  the 
ludicrous,  and  was  vastly  amused  at  the  condition  of  his  sire. 
Drunkenness  was  not  so  common  in  that  day  as  to  excite  dis- 
gust ; and  as  he  saw  the  old  navigator  on  his  back,  his  face 


636 


THE  ORIGIN  OF  THE  NIGGER. 


twisted  with  inebriety,  his  snores  waking  the  echoes,  and  the 
walls  of  his  tent  swaying  from  his  hard  breathing,  he  doubtless 
thought  he  had,  as  the  slang-users  of  this  day  would  say,  “ a 
good  thing  on  the  old  man.” 

But  if  it  was  a laughing  matter  with  the  foolish  Ham,  it 
was  not  so  with  the  shrewd  Shem  and  Japheth.  They  pierced 
the  future.  To  get  into  the  good  graces  of  their  father,  they 
turned  their  backs  upon  his  sin  and  folly  (as  we  do  nowadays 
upon  the  sin  and  folly  of  those  from  whom  we  want  favors), 
and,  precisely  as  we  do,  cast  over  his  sin  their  garments.  The 
only  parallel  to  this  we  have  in  modern  times  occurred  in 
Washington  a few  years  ago.  Andrew  Johnson  was  very 
much  in  the  condition  of  Noah  upon  one  memorable  22d  of 
February,  and  a small  army  of  patriots,  who  had  assessorships, 
post  offices,  and  collectorships  in  their  eyes,  made  haste  to  cast 
their  garments  over  him.  But  they  did  not  succeed  in  cover- 
ing him.  Noah  awoke,  and  in  the  ill-humor  which  always 
follows  excess,  cursed  poor  Ham,  and  condemned  his  son 
Canaan  to  be  the  servants  of  his  uncles  forever.  This  was 
the  beginning  of  Democracy.  Drunkenness  brought  exposure, 
exposure  shame,  shame  a curse,  and  thus  cursed.  Ham  went 
out  a Nigger.  Drunkenness  made  Nigger,  Nigger  made 
Democracy,  and  the  two  have  been  running  the  machine 
ever  since. 

We  have  now  plainly  before  us  the  origin  of  the  Nigger, 
and  have,  therefore,  a starting  point  for  our  investigations. 
Here  were  three  brothers,  Shem,  Ham,  and  Japheth,  with  a 
curse  upon  Ham,  condemning  his  children  to  serve  the  others. 
We,  the  whites,  claim  to  be  the  descendants  of  the  other  two, 
and  consequently  assert  the  right  to  own  and  work  the  chil- 
dren of  our  unfortunate  uncle.  The  claim  is  a comfortable 
one.  Labor  is  something  all  men  dread  ; and  »if  it  can  be 
positively  fixed  that  Noah  did  curse  Ham,  and  that  he  spoke 
by  authority,  and  that  the  negro  is  really  the  descendant  of 
Ham,  and  we  are  the  descendants  of  Japheth,  we  have  really  a 
good  thing  of  it.  We  of  Kentucky  have  always  desired  to 
fulfil  the  great  law  of  labor,  as  our  particular  friends  at  the 
North  served  in  the  army  — by  substitute. 

One  cup  of  wine,  and  a curse  after  it,  made  a difference  in 
the  history  of  the  world.’  * 


WHAT  MIGHT  HAVE  BEEN. 


637 


How  differently  history  would  have  been  written  had  Noah 
started  a temperance  society  at  the  beginning,  or  had  the 
Maine  liquor  law  been  in  operation  in  that  country.  Or  had  he 
taken  up  any  other  branch  of  agriculture  ! Had  he  planted 
corn  instead  of  grapes,  or  gone  into  sheep  or  poultry  ; had  a 
frost  blighted  his  grapes,  or  a mildew  struck  them,  or  had  the 
screw  of  his  press  broken  ; had  any  one  of  these  things  hap- 
pened, he  would  not  have  become  inebriated  ; Ham  would  not 
have  seen  him  ; there  would  have  been  no  curse,  no  Nigger,  no 
Democracy.  For  who  can  imagine  a Democracy  without  a 
Nigger  to  be  kept  in  subjection  ! Or,  suppose  that  all  of  Ham’s 
children  had  died  of  diphtheria  ! Had  any  one  of  these  things 
happened,  the  whole  course  of  political  events  would  have  been 
changed.  We  never  should  have  seen  at  political  meetings  in 
the  West,  wagon-loads  of  ancient  females,  with  banners  over 
their  venerable  heads,  and  inscribed  thereon  this  agonizingly 
touching  appeal : Fathers,  protect  us  from  negro  equality  ! ” 

as  though  they  were  not  old  enough,  as  a rule,  to  protect  them- 
selves. Or,  this  heroic  declaration  : ‘‘  White  husbands  or 
none  ! ” which,  taken  in  connection  with  their  age  and  single 
condition,  would  indicate  that  if  they  had  ever  had  offers  they 
must  have  come  from  black  men.  , In  the  East,  the  gentlemen 
who  sent  the  Hon.  John  Morrisey  to  Congress  from  New  York, 
would  have  been  spared  the  crimes  of  arson  and  murder,  for 
there  would  have  been  no  nigger  orphan  asylums  to  awaken 
their  righteous  indignation;  no  adult  male  niggers  to  hang  to 
lamp  posts.  But  as  any  one  of  these  things  would  have 
changed  the  complexion  of  affairs,  and  prevented  the  unfortu- 
nate change  in  Ham’s  complexion,  and  as  they  did  not  happen, 
we  are  bound  to  admit  that  Providence  intended  the  negro  to 
be  kept  down,  and  in  the  eternal  fitness  of  things,  arranged  for 
an  organization  to  keep  him  down. 

This  curse  is  the  great  pivotal  fact  upon  which  American 
politics  has  turned  for  years.  But  we  found  many  difficulties 
in  it.  The  first  difficulty  which  occurred  to  me,  is  the  fact 
that  all  of  Ham’s  children  did  not  suffer  in  consequence  of 
their  father’s  little  indiscretion.  It  ought  to  have  fallen  upon 
all  alike,  but  it  did  not.  Nimrod  was  a descendant  of  Ham, 
but  he  was  not  the  servant  of  anybody,  very  much.  On  the 


638 


WEAK  SPOTS. 


contrary,  quite  the  reverse.  He  was  a mighty  hunter  before 
the  Lord ; and  mighty  hunters  have  never  been  servants.  The 
man  strong  enough  to  struggle  with  the  lion  and  to  overcome 
the  tiger,  and  brave  enough  to  dare  the  dangers  ot  the  chase  for 
the  fierce  delight  it  affords,  is  not  the  man  to  humbly  hump  his 
shoulders,  and  to  a mere  man  say  that  most  hateful  of  all  words, 
‘‘Master.”  Besides,  Nimrod  built  cities  and  established  king- 
doms, which  is  not  the  work  of  servants.  We  were  forced  to  the 
conclusion,  therefore,  that  the  curse  held  to  Canaan  only  ; that 
Nimrod’s  children  mingled  with  the  sons  of  Shem  and’ Japheth, 
and  that  their  descendants  are  to-day  white  men.  This  troubles 
us ; for,  counting  it  a truth,  we  were  associating  with  those 
having  the  blood  of  the  cursed  Ham  in  their  veins  ; and  besides, 
if  one  of  the  descendants  of  Ham  escaped  the  curse,  may 
not  others  got  out  from  under  it  at  the  same  place  ? Again; 
if  the  negroes  of  Africa,  from  which  country  we  procured  the 
stock  we  are  blessed  with,  are  really  the  descendants  of 
Canaan,  the  son  of  Ham,  the  curse  which  Noah  imposed  upon 
them  lost  its  adhesive  power  for  many  centuries.  The  breth- 
ren separated,  and  each  went  about  his  business.  I have 
spent  sleepless  nights  upon  this  question,  but  I must  confess 
that  I can  find  no  proof  that  Canaan,  or  any  of  his  descendants, 
were,  until  a comparatively  recent  date,  the  servants  of  any- 
body ! Can  it  be  that  the  curse  was  as  temporary  in  its  effects 
as  the  wine  that  produced  it  ? Hid  it  evaporate  with  the 
fumes  thereof?  Did  it  pass  away  with  Noah’s  headache  the 
next  morning?  Did  Noah  make  over  to  Shem  and  Japheth 
property  for  which  he  had  no  title  ? 

Unfortunately  Shem’s  descendants  are  said  to  have  stayed  in 
Asia,  Ham’s  went  to  Africa,  and  Japheth’s  peopled  Europe. 

.Here  is  the  difficulty  that  besets  me.  How  could  Ham’s  de- 
scendants serve  their  brethren,  they  staying  in  Africa,  while 
the  brethren  were  comfortably  established  in  Europe  and  Asia? 
It  may  be  answered  that  they  went  after  them ; but,  alas ! 
they  had  no  need  of  that.  The  strong  Shemites  found  enough 
weak  Shemites  to  enslave  without  going  after  their  cousins, 
and  the  same  is  true  of  the  Japhethites.  The  Tartars  made 
servants  of  the  Chinese,  the  Normans  of  the  Saxons,  and  the 
Romans  had  a cheerful  habit  of  gobbling  up  all  the  weaker  peo- 


MORE  DIFFICULTIES. 


639 


pie  within  their  reach.  Among  these,  T regret  to  say,  were  the 
ancestors  of  those  before  me  — your  fathers  and  mine.  The 
curse  was  in  existence,  and  had  power,  but  somehow  it  was 
demoralized.  When  Noah  fired  it  off,  it  missed  its  aim.  It 
scattered  like  a poor  shot-gun,  and  hit  where  he  did  not  intend 
it.  For  in  all  ages  of  the  world  slavery  has  existed.  There 
never  has  been  a time  when  strong  men  w”ere  not  too  lazy  to 
work;  never  a time  when  there  were  not  brutes  and  imbeciles 
— the  two  classes  necessary  to  the  system.  The  strong 
enslaved  the  weak  without  regard  to  Noah.  They  did  it  in 
a manly  way,  too.  The  enslavers  did  not  ask  the  person  they 
wished  to  enslave  for  their  family  record  ; they  did  not  attempt 
to  ascertain  whether  or  not  he  was  descended  from  Canaan. 
Not  they.  If  they  wanted  a servant,  they  sought  out  a man 
weaker  than  they ; they  knocked  him  down,  in  the  old-fash- 
ioned way,  with  a club ; they  beat  him  till  the  original  man 
was  pretty  much  pummelled  out  of  him,  and  then,  reduced  to 
the  condition  of  a beast,  he  was  the  individual  they  desired. 
History  is  full  of  these  instances,  and  Jefferson  had  this  kind 
of  history  in  his  mind  when'  he  wrote  the  Declaration  ; which 
would  have  been  well  enough  had  he  put  the  word  white  ’’ 
in  its  proper  place,  that  there  might  be  no  doubt  as  to  his 
meaning. 

As  he  left  it,  it  applies  to  black  as  well  as  white,  and  strictly 
construed  robs  us  of  our  Nigger. 

We  could  never  find  any  testimony  in  the  Scriptures  that 
the  dusky  sons  of  Africa  were  the  descendants  of  Canaan; 
and  this  is  another  difficulty.  To  be  a servant,  as  our  people 
understand  it,  one  ought  to  be  an  inferior ; and  we  held  that 
the  negro  was  our  inferior,  and  ought  to  be  our  servant,  be- 
cause of  the  curse.  Behold  the  snag  upon  which  our  boat 
runs.  Our  conservative  brethren  oppose  the  conferring  of  any 
rights  upon  these  people,  because  we  dread  the  swpremacy 
of  the  negro ! That  sweet  boon  to  an  oppressed  people, 
Andrew  Johnson,  in  his  annual  messages,  always  devoted  a 
chapter  to  the  danger  of  this  race  taking  possession  of  the 
government,  and  conducting  it  themselves ; and  I am  not 
certain  but  that  I have  seen  the  same  fear  expressed  in  the 
reports  of  Secretary  Welles,  as  he  said  regularly  whatever  the 


640 


THE  EXTENT  OF  THE  CURSE. 


President  has  said.  Seward  once  dwelt  upon  it  at  length,  but 
I do  not  like  to  quote  him.  The  distance  from  Abraham 
Lincoln  to  Andrew  Johnson  was  so  great,  that  the  leap  from 
the  one  to  the  other  broke  his  moral  back.  He  has  never 
stood  upright  since.  The  friends  of  the  race  jeeringly  say  that 
if  the  negroes  should  take  the  government  in  their  own  hands, 
they  hope  they  will  conduct  it  to  better  advantage  than  the 
late  President  has,  for  if  they  do  not,  it  would  prove  to  the 
satisfaction  of  everybody  that  the  curse  was  a reality,  and  that 
they  are  not  fit,  as  yet,  to  be  intrusted  with  political  rights. 

Now  we  have  in  the  United  States  four  millions  of  these 
people,  all  told,  and  thirty  millions  of  whites.  It  is  as  certain 
as  the  multiplication  table  that  if  laws  are  necessary  to  prevent 
them  from  governing  us,  they  must  be  the  superior  and  we 
the  inferior  race.  If,  in  a clear  field,  the  four  millions  can  con- 
trol the  thirty  millions,  it  must  certainly  be  because  of  the 
superiority  of  the  four  millions.  It  troubles  us  to  reconcile 
this  pet  fear  of  ours  with  our  claims  of  superiority. 

I have  never  been  able,  from  the  Book,  to  determine"  just 
how  far  that  curse  extended.  Noah’s  words  were,  Cursed  be 
Canaan  ; a servant^  of  servants  shall  he  be  unto  his  brethren.” 
I ask  especial  attention  to  the  wording  of  this  text,  as  it 
affords  a complete  justification  of  the  practice  of  amalgamation, 
so  common  in  the  South  under  the  old  system.  The  Canaanites 
were  condemned  to  be  servants  unto  their  brethren.  Not  unto 
the  stranger,  but  their  brethren.  How,  except  through  this, 
let  me  ask,  could  the  slaves  of  the  South  be  brethren  unto 
their  masters  ? But  we  have  full  faith  that  the  curse  was 
intended  to  include  not  only  Canaan,  but  his  descendants.  If 
it  was  only  to  cover  Canaan,  and  was  to  die  with  him,  of  what 
use  would  it  have  been  to  us  ? Had  it  died  with  Canaan,  we 
of  Kentucky  would  have  been  doing  our  own  work  to-day,  and 
we  might  have  put  on  its  tombstone  the  epitaph  written  for  the 
kitten  which  died  too  young : 

“ If  I was  so  soon  to  be  done  for, 

What  was  1 begun  for?  ” 

It  may  be  well  here  to  consider  briefly  the  question  of  color, 
which  has  worried  and  perplexed  all  of  us.  We  are  white,  or 


THE  QUESTION  OF  COLOR. 


641 


copper-colored,  and  the  negroes,  such  of  them  as  stayed  at  the 
North,  are  black.  The  question  is,  ‘‘  Why  black  ? ’’  One 
theory  is,  that  color  is  the  result  of  climate,  diet,  habits  of  life, 
and  other  conditions,  which,  persevered  in  for  many  generations, 
will  change  the  appearance  of  families  of  men.  The  people 
of  my  State  know  better.  They  ascribe  it  to  the  curse  of 
Noah  ; that  Ham,  being  the  brother  of  Shem  and  Japheth,  was 
originally  white,  even  as  they  were,  but  that  he  went  out  from 
the  presence  of  his  father  with  this  mark  of  his  displeasure, 
not  only  upon  his  face,  but  spread  all  over  his  body.  The  very 
name  to  us  is  significant  of  color.  The  curse  changed  at  once 
his  physical  nature,  and  the  change  took  place  suddenly.  When 
Ham  got  to  his  room  that  morning,  and  gazed  at  himself  in  his 
mirror,  he  called,  in  astonishment,  for  Shem  and  Japheth,  that  he 
might  be  introduced  to  himself. 

Noah,  when  he  changed  Ham’s  style  and  shape,  had  doubt- 
less a glimpse  of  the  future,  and  he  made  of  him  precisely  the 
kind  of  man  that  the  future  required.  As  he  was  to  be  the 
menial  of  his  brethren  for  all  time,  he  considerately  gave  him 
a complexion  suited  to  his  condition  ; one  that  would  not  show 
dirt.  To  further  fit  him  for  the  discharge  of  the  duties  that 
were  to  be  his,  his  nose  was  flattened,  that  it  could  never  be 
turned  up  in  scorn  at  anything;  his  arms  were  elongated,  his 
shoulders  were  broadened,  his  forehead  was  driven  backward, 
and  his  hair,  long  and  straight  like  ours,  was  converted  into 
wool,  that  he  should -waste  no  time  in  dressing  it,  and  also  that 
we,  his  masters,  might  have  a better  hold  for  our  fingers. 
These  are  the  physical  characteristics  of  the  race  in  America, 
and  we  affirm  that  the  negro  must  and  ought  to  be  a slave, 
because  the  Almighty,  working  through  Noah,  made  him 
exactly  of  the  shape  and  style  necessary  to  that  condition. 

There  may  be  a mistake  here.  It  is  possible,  as  I once 
heard  a philosophical  son  of  Ham  say,  that  those  who  hold 
these  views  have  been  all  along  mistaking  their  own  work  for 
the  Almighty’s.  He  had  the  impudence  to  say  that  it  was 
possible  that  when  the  first  negro  was  landed  upon  our  shores 
he  was  neither  fiat-nosed,  long-heeled,  or  large-handed.  He 
was,  however,  forthwith  set  at  work  grubbing  land  in  Virginia; 
his  nose  was  being  continually  flattened  by  the  fist  of  his 
41 


642 


THE  SHAPE  OF  THE  NIGGER. 


chivalrous  master  ;-his  shoulders  were  broadened  by  the  bur- 
dens piled  upon  them  ; his  hands  were  widened  by  constant 
holding  of’  the  hoe,  and  his  heel  was  providentially  lengthened 
to  enable  him  to  maintain  his  equilibrium  under  the  loads  he 
was  compelled  to  carry.  Had  they  been  shorter,  he  would, 
when  overloaded,  have  fallen  backward.  His  receding  fore- 
head he  accounted  for  in  this  way  : Of  what  use,”  said  he, 

would  a head  shaped  to  hold  brains  be  to  one  who  had  no 
brains  to  hold  ? and  why  should  he  have  brains  who  has  no 
occasion  to  use  them?”  But  I noticed  that  this  particular 
nigger,  who  had  learned  to  read  and  write,  had  a head  shaped 
very  much  like  those  of  ordinary  people  of  intelligence,  and 
that  his  children,  who  could  not  only  read  and  write,  but 
cipher,  were  still  more  so.  He  had  put  out  his  one  talent  to  . 
usury,  and  it  had  become  ten  in  his  descendants.  We  of  the 
South  feared  this.  We  would  not  fly  in  the  face  of  the  Lord 
on  any  account.  Zealous  to  fulfil  his  word,  and  determined 
that  for  his  glory  Canaan  should  forever  be  a servant  unto  his 
brethren ; and  fearful  that  if  they  should  gain  knowledge  they 
might  give  the  Lord  the  slip,  and  be  their  own  men,  we  with- 
held knowledge  from  them.  Piously,  therefore,  we  enacted 
laws  making  the  teaching  of  these  foreordained  slaves  to  read 
the  sacred  word  of  God  a penitentiary  offence.  And  in  our 
determination  that  they  should  not  be  unfitted  for  their 
destiny,  we  did  hang  very  many  meddlesome  Yankees  who 
doubted  it  all,  and  proposed  to  do  something  towards  elevating 
them  above  the  condition  of  beasts.  In  those  happy  days, 
south  of  the  Ohio  River,  it  only  required  twenty  minutes  of 
time  to  arrest,  try,  hang,  and  divide  the  clothes  of  a Northern 
school  teacher.  And  when  one  of  these  Noah  cursed  men 
demonstrated,  by  opposing  the  Avill  of  his  master,  that  he  had 
brains,  the  matter  was  pleasantly  and  peremptorily  settled  by 
knocking  them  out.  A great  deal  of  brain  has  been  thus 
disposed  of  in  the  Southern  States. 

Another  trouble  that  besets  us,  is  the  fact  that  the  curse 
remained  inoperative  and  in  abeyance  for  centuries  after  it  was 
pronounced.  The  children  of  Ham,  it  is  supposed,  occupied 
Africa  all  by  themselves.  They  fell,  as  did  their  cousins  in 
Europe  and  Asia,  into  vice ; their  vices  being  just  as  much 


THE  MATTER  OF  HEAT. 


643 


more  detestable  than  those  cultivated  by  their  cousins  as  the 
climate  of  their  country  is  hotter.  Vice,  like  vegetation, 
attains  its  greatest  perfection  in  hot  climates.  The  farther 
south  you  go,  the  less  orthodox  you  find  mankind.  Vermont, 
where  man  wrestles  with  Nature,  and  wrests  a subsistence  from 
an  unwilling  soil  by  main  strength,  has  never  faltered  in  her 
devotion  to  humanity.  Louisiana,  on  the  other  hand,  where 
Nature  yields  her  treasures  at  the  asking,  is  as  true  to  the 
Democracy  as  the  needle  to  the  pole,  or  the  Kentuckian  to  his 
whiskey  : two  examples  of  fidelity  equalled  by  nothing  else  in 
this  world.  Where  men  find  a living  ready  made,  they  have 
too  much  time  upon  their  hands  to  be  good.  The  Ten  Com- 
mandments have  but  little  chance  where  labor  is  unnecessary. 
Had  South  Carolina  been  blessed  with  a month  of  sleighing 
each  year,  she  never  would  have  passed  an  ordinance  of  seces- 
sion. No  climate  less  hot  than  that  of  Mississippi  could 
develop  such  a man  as  Jeff  Davis  ; and  Salisbury,  Ander- 
sonville,  Belle  Isle,  and  General  Forrest  were  only  possible 
where  the  thermometer  stands  at  one  hundred  for  months 
together.  It  may  be,  indeed  it  has  been  said  by  a few  soldiers 
who  survived  Andersonville,  that  the  heat  in  which  the  men  I 
have  mentioned,  exist,  was  not  meant  to  affect  the  moral 
natures,  but  was  intended  by  a kind  Providence,  who  foreknew 
their  destination,  to  prepare  them,  in  some  slight  measure,  for 
the  still  greater  heat  to  which  they  are  certain  to  be  subjected 
in  the  future. 

The  Japhethites  harried,  murdered,  and  plundered  each  other 
in  Europe,  and  the  Shemites  fell  to  a still  deeper  depth  of 
barbarism,  as  did  our  African  brother. 

In  Europe  the  Japhethites  built  large  castles,  and  rode  about 
upon  horses,  clad  absurdly  in  cast  iron,  with  inverted  pots  upon 
their  heads,  killing  each  other  with  iron  spears,  and  the 
Africans  were  doing  the  same  things,  on  a smaller  scale,  with 
spears  pointed  with  fish-bones. 

But  the  sons  of  Canaan  had  not  been  as  yet  introduced  to 
the  curse,  unfortunately.  There  were  slaves  in  Africa,  but 
they  were  slaves  not  unto  Japheth’s  children,  but  unto  them- 
selves, precisely  as  the  children  of  Shem  and  Japheth  en- 
slaved men  of  their  own  race.  When  Cgesar  conquered  a 


644 


LOCATION. 


nation  at  war  with  Rome,  be  made  slaves  of  his  captives  ; and 
when  Gumbo  Quashee,  prince  of  Borriaboola  Gha,  led  his  hosts 
of  warriors  against  a neighboring  king,  he  dragged  back 
captives  in  his  train,  who  were  at  once  enslaved.  If  Gumbo 
met  defeat,  the  only  difference  was,  he  took  his  turn  at  the 
mill.  The  enslaved  have  always  been  the  victims  of  a curse, 
not  of  the  drunken  Noah,  but  of  that  more  terrible  curse, 
weakness. 

There  is  another  ugly  point  in  this  matter  of  the  curse  that 
is  hardly  worth  referring  to,  but  it  may  be  as  well.  The  fact 
is  (and  this  hurts  us),  the  Africans,  the  woolly-headed,  thick- 
lipped,  dark-skinned,  Africans,  of  whom  we  have  made  slaves 
under  the  curse,  are  not  the  descendants  of  Canaan,  upon 
whom  the  curse  fell,  at  all. 

Unfortunately  for  us,  who  have  risked  our  all  upon  this, 
the  Scriptures  are  explicit  upon  this  point. 

Canaan  begat  Sidon  and  Heth,  and  their  descendants  were  the 
Jebusites,  the  Amorites,  the  Girgashites,  and  — sights  of  other 
tribes.  The  Book  tells  us  precisely  where  they  are  located. 

Too  lazy  and  shiftless  to  move  any  distance,  they  pre-empted 
the  ground  upon  which  Jerusalem  stands,  their  territory  includ- 
ing those  New  Yorks  of  the  old  world,  Sodom  and  Gomorrah. 
They  were  not  a nice  people  to  have  for  next  door  neighbors. 
They  had  many  disagreeable  habits.  They  were  a com- 
pound of  Brigham  Young  and  Kidd  the  Pirate,  and  it  is  sup- 
posed that  Salt  Lake  City  and.  New  York  were  modelled  after 
their  principal  towns  as  near  as  may  be.  It  will  be  remem- 
bered that  these  two  cities,  Sodom  and  Gomorrah,  came  to  a 
sudden  end. 

Notwithstanding  the  love  I bear  the  metropolis,  because  of 
its  politics,  the  reading  of  the  account  of  the  destruction  of 
these  cities,  and  knowing  that  what  has  been  may,  for  the  same 
cause,  occur  again,  has  deterred  me  from  investing  very 
largely  in  real  estate  in  New  York.  But  these  Canaanites  did 
not  go  to  Africa ; they  stayed  in  Asia;  and  as  we  have  been 
enslaving  only  Africans,  it  is  clear  that  there  has  been  a mis- 
take somewhere,  and  that  we  have  been  innocently  enslaving 
the  wrong  race  all  this  time.  You  all  remember  the  venerable 
story  of  the  tub.  An  old  woman  brought  suit  once  upon  a time 


WHY  THE  CURSE  WAS  BELIEVED  IN. 


645 


for  the  value  of  a tub  which  she  had  loaned,  and  which  had. 
been  returned  to  her  piece  by  piece,  the  hoops  having  all 
dropped  off.  The  defence  set  up  by  the  borrower  was  com- 
prehensive. First,  and  to  begin  with,  the  defendant  never 
borrowed  the  tub.  Secondly,  she  returned  it  with  the  hoops 
all  on,  and,  thirdly,  the  plaintiff  never  had  a tub. 

It  is  about  so  with  this  pet  curse  of  ours.  It  wasn’t  good 
for  much  at  best,  it  didn’t  stick  to  the  people  at  whom  it  was 
levelled,  and  the  Africans,  upon  whose  shoulders  we  have 
piled  it,  are  not  Canaankes.  Our  ancestors  did  not  believe 
this,  however.  They  believed  in  this  curse,  with  the  child- 
like simplicity  of  a pawnbroker.  It  is  very  easy  for  us  to 
believe  in  anything  that  holds  out  promise  of  personal  benefit. 
Men  whose  love  for  gain  cannot  be  satisfied  with  six  days  of 
labor,  very  generally  question  the  sanctity  of  the  Sabbath  ; 
and  we  all  insist  that  laws  shall  be  made  to  fit  our  desires, 
rather  than  to  bring  our  desires  to  fit  laws.  These  ancestors 
of  ours  were  a greedy  set.  They  hungered  after  a life  of  no 
labor,  and  they  believed,  therefore,  that  the  Lord  directed 
Columbus  across  the  untried  waste  of  waters  that  rolled 
between  Spain  and  ximerica  solely  that  this  long  retired  and 
almost  forgotten  curse  might  be  revived  and  put  in  force.  It 
had  been  a failure  thus  far  ; but  as  they  looked  out  upon  the 
new  world,  and  saw  how  magnificently  they  could  live,  if  they 
could  only  get  their  labor  for  nothing,  their  faith  in  it  revived. 
They  found  here  field  and  forest,  gold  and  water,  everything 
but  labor. 

The  emigrant  might,  it  is  true,  have  done  the  labor  himself, 
but  then  this  cherished  curse  of  ours  would  have  been  still 
floating  around  the  world,  like  the  dove  of  the  eminent  naviga- 
tor who  uttered  it,  with  no  place  to  rest  the  sole  of  its  foot. 
Besides,  they  did  not  want  to  do  the  labor.  The  first  settlers 
of  Virginia,  from  whom  the  chivalry  of  that  State  claim 
descent,  never  labored  at  home,  and  why  should  they  here  ? 
The  settlers  of  Carolina  were  men  to  whom  labor  was  as 
distasteful  as  it  has  ever  been  to  their  descendants.  The 
negro  was  precisely  what  they  wanted.  The  original  decree 
was,  In  the  sweat  of  thy  brow  shalt  thou  eat  bread.”  They 
were  determined  that  the  decree  should  be  fulfilled,  but  they 
wanted  the  dividing  of  it. 


646 


ITS  CONVENIENCE. 


They  were  perfectly  willing  to  do  the  eating,  but  they 
wanted  the  negro  to  do  the  sweating ; and  had  he  been 
content  with  this  division  of  the  decree,  all  would  have  been 
smooth  to-day. 

They  prayed,  Give  us  this  day  our  daily  bread ; but 
they  added  to  the  petition,  and  furnish  us  a nigger  to  feed 
it  to  us.’’ 

Of  course  they  believe  in  the  curse.  The  planter  on  the 
banks  of  the  James  felt  the  convenience  of  an  arrangement 
which  would  obviate  the  first  curse  of  labor,  by  a second 
curse ; of  having  the  sin  brought  into  the  world  through  the 
agency  of  the  apple,  done  away  with  by  another  sin  which 
had  its  origin  in  the  grape. 

They  found  it  a blessed  thing  to  have  a being  rich  in  muscle 
to  perform  their  share  of  the  penalty  of  the  first  curse,  giving 
them  wasteful  summers  at  Saratoga,  and  ample  time  and  means 
for  the  cultivation  of  the  Southern  Christian  graces  — gam- 
bling, horse-racing,  pistol-shooting,  and  the  like.  It  was  a glo- 
rious life  they  led  ! Did  the  proud  Caucasian  master  have  an 
ill  run  of  luck  at  cards  ? a nigger  on  the  block  made  it  all 
right  the  next  morning.  Did  madam,  his  wife,  mourn,  and 
refuse  to  be  comforted,  because  a thousand  dollar  shawl  was 
not  ? the  matter  was  easily  arranged.  The  tearing  apart  of 
a husband  and  wife,  and  the  sale  of  one ; the  condemning  of  a 
quadroon  of  her  own  sex  to  a life  of  shame,  was  all  that  was 
necessary.  Did  they  desire  to  entertain  their  friends  sumptu- 
ously ? Why  should  they  not  ? There  was  no  sordid  counting 
of  cost,  as  it  was  farther  North  ; for  were  there  not  niggers 
to  sweat?  Virginia  hospitality  was  celebrated.  Vermont 
hospitality  might  have  been,  had  Vermont  fostered  this  curse, 
and  partaken  of  its  benefits.  It’s  easy  enough  to  be  hospitable 
with  a hundred  negroes,  more  or  less,  sweating  for  you  gratis. 
We  did  not  invent  reapers  or  sewdng  machines,  for  we  didn’t 
need  them.  Flesh  and  blood  was  to  be  bought  in  any  market, 
and  it  was  cheaper  than  iron  and  steel.  We  down  South  were 
happily  circumstanced.  We  had  black  slaves  at  home  to  do 
our  labor,  and  white  serfs  up  North,  just  as  humble,  to  do  our 
voting.  Nature  kindly  furnished  us  a race  white  enough  to 
vote,  and  low  enough  to  be  owned. 


THE  ATTEMPT  TO  KILL  THE  CURSE. 


647 


Interpreting  the  curse  to  include  all  Africa,  our  pious  fathers 
set  about  bringing  as  many  of  its  inhabitants  as  possible  under 
its  operations.  They  sent  out  missionaries,  whom  a censorious 
world  was  wicked  enough  to  stigmatize  as  pirates  and  slavers, 
clad  in  red  shirts,  with  pistol  at  belt  and  cutlass  by  side, 
bearded  like  pards,  and  full  of  strong  oaths.  These  evange- 
lizers,  full  of  zeal  and  rum,  sailed  up  the  rivers  of  Africa,  and 
surprised  villages  of  these  accursed  people,  killing  the  accursed 
men  and  women  too  old  to  work,  and  the  accursed  children  too 
young  to  work,  but  selecting  out  carefully  the  able-bodied 
ones  of  both  sexes.  Packing  these  in  the  holds  of  their 
vessels  like  herrings,  they  turned  their  prows  homeward, 
throwing  overboard,  from  day  to  day,  the  bodies  of  those  who 
had  so  little  regard  for  the  curse  of  Noah  as  to  die  on  the  way 
to  the  fulfilment  thereof.  And  so  at  last  the  curse  was  fulfilled. 
On  the-  cotton  plantations,  in  the  rice  swamps,  in  the  cane  and 
tobacco  fields,  the  supposed  sons  of  Ham  toiled  on,  expiating 
the  stupidity  of  their  supposed  father,  who,  a great  many 
centuries  before,  hadn’t  any  more  sense  than  to  look  in  upon 
his  father  when  he  was  drunk. 

But  just  as  this  convenient  and  comfortable  curse  got  into 
good  working  order  it  was  killed. 

Abraham  Lincoln  smote  it  under  the  fifth  rib,  and  it  died  the 
death. 

The  nation,  in  deadly  peril,  called  upon  our  black  cousins  to 
aid  in  its  deliverance,  and  it  gave  up  the  ghost.  The  sons  of 
Ham,  inferior  as  they  were-in  all  other  respects,  were  discovered 
to  be  able  to  pull  a trigger  or  push  a bayonet  with  anybody, 
and  to  the  astonishment  of  those  who  stood  before  them,  they 
had  the  will  to  do  it.  They  dared  to  stand  in  battle  array 
before  the  chivalry  of  the  South.  We  very  soon  accounted 
for  the  daring. 

When  Lincoln  put  the  musket  in  the  hands  of  the  Southern 
negroes,  it  was  Greek  against  Greek,  brother  against  brother. 
The  blood  of  the  old  cavaliers,  which  gave  courage  and  daring 
to  the  Beauregards,  Lees,  Masons,  and  Hamptons,  made  cavaliers 
also  of  Scipio,  Pompey,  and  Cmsar,  their  half-brothers ; and 
why  not.  The  Federals  turned  against  the  Confederates 
twenty  thousand  men  having  the  best  blood  of  the  South 


648 


THE  AUDACITY  OP  THE  CANANITES. 


coursing  through  their  veins,  and  inspiring  them  to  high 
chivalrous  deeds. 

Then  the  struggle  became  literally  fratricidal.  Another 
thing  made  these  fellows  fight.  They  had  treasured  up  that  old 
saying  of  Jefferson,  and  they  rejoiced  when  the  firing  upon 
Sumter  gave  them  promise  of  the  glad  day  when  it  should  be 
a reality.  When  they  were  satisfied  that  the  nation  was  really 
divorced  from  slavery,  they  flew  to  arms  to  prove  themselves 
worthy  of  the  future  they  hoped  for.  We  must  confess  that 
they  fought  bravely  and  died  grandly. 

Tlie  swart  hero  in  the  death-trap  at  Petersburg,  on  the  plain 
at  Port  Hudson,  and  in  the  enclosure  at  Fort  Pillow,  showed 
an  example  of  heroism  that  any  people  might  be  proud  of 

The  slave  who  remained  on  the  plantation,  who  risked  life  to 
feed,  nurse,  and  guide  the  flying  fugitive  from  Andersonville, 
showed  a devotion  the  like  of  which  the  world  never  witnessed 
before.  We  of  the  South  were  whipped,  and  by  their  aid. 

I do  not  say  that  we  would  not  have  been  beaten  had  they 
not  thrown  themselves  into  the  breach,  but  it  was  done  the 
easier  because  of  them.  They  stopped  bullets  at  least.  The 
bullet  that  let  out  the  life  of  the  negro  soldier  at  Nashville, 
might,  had  he  not  stood  in  its  way,  made  life-long  sadness  in 
your  home ; and  many  a son  of  a Northern  mother  who  came 
home  laurel  crowned,  owes  his  life  to  the  unknown  black  man 
who  lies  in  an  unhonored  grave  upon  the  fields  from  which  he 
plucked  honor. 

These  poor  deluded  Canaanites,  as  we  shall  term  them,  be- 
lieved that  they  had  earned  their  promotion  to  a higher  rank, 
and  really  expected  it. 

But  we  knew  better.  Down  in  Kentucky  we  held  a con- 
sultation on  this  very  question.  That  blessed  saint  and  keen 
observer  of  men.  Deacon  Pogram,  remarked  sagely,  that  men 
and  women  was  the  most  ungrateful  members  of  the  human 
family.’^  Said  he  further  on  this  head,  The  sense  of  gratitood 
the  Fedrals  feel  will  die  out  with  the  peals  of  the  bells  which 
celebrate  the  victrys  the  nigger  allies  helped  to  win.  They 
endured  the  nigger  because  they  needed  him : but  now,  thank 
the  Lord,  they  don’t  need  him  no  more,  and,  halleloogy,  he’ll 
be  the  same  cussed  nigger  he  alluz  wuz.”  I use  the  Deacon’s 
exact  words. 


THEIR  INGRATITUDE. 


649 


He  was  right.  The  wholesome  prejudice  against  color 
swallowed  up  gratitude,  and  the  pride  of  race  swallowed  jus- 
tice. The  negro  stepped  one  foot  upon  the  threshold  of  the  Tem- 
ple of  Liberty,  but  we  rudely  pushed  him  back.  They  wanted 
not  only  freedom,  but  the  elective  franchise,  the  ungrateful 
wretches  not  being  satisfied  with  what  we  had  given  them. 

They  had  been  provided  for  generously.  We  of  the  South 
accepted  the  situation,  and  acknowledged  their  freedom,  but 
we  felt  that  it  was  necessary  that  they  be  regulated.  And  so 
we  decreed  that  they  should  not  leave  the  plantations  on 
which  they  were  employed  without  passes  from  their  employ- 
ers, under  penalty  of  being  shot  at  sight. 

They  should  have  the  right  of  suing  any  one  — of  their  own 
color  — if  they  could  give  white  bail  for  costs ; and  here  was 
a privilege  — they  were  to  have  the  unrestricted  right  of 
being  sued  the  same  as  white  men.  They  should  not  purchase 
or  lease  real  estate  outside  of  any  incorporated  city  or  village ; 
and  as  large  bodies  of  them  were  considered  dangerous,  they 
should  not  purchase  or  lease  real  estate  within  any  incorporated 
city  or  village.  As  we  fixed  their  wages  at  four  dollars  per 
month,  they  boarding  themselves,  these  laws  relating  to  the 
purchase  of  real  estate  might  seem  unnecessary.  But  we 
wanted  to  be  on  the  safe  side.  And  we  proposed  to  give* 
them  the  ballot,  in  time.  Of  other  men  we  required  no 
preparation,  but  we  felt  it  necessary  of  these.  We  only 
required  them  to  pass  a creditable  examination  in  Greek, 
Latin,  embroidery,  French,  German,  and  double-entry  book- 
keeping, and  to  facilitate  their  acquiring  these  branches  we 
burned  all  their  school-houses. 

These  regulations  were  made  in  Mississippi;  In  my  State 
of  Kentucky  it  was  not  necessary  to  do  anything  in  the  matter, 
for  Kentucky  did  not  rebel.  We  preserved  a strict  neutrality. 
That  estimable  pillar  in  the  Church  at  the  Corners,  Elder 
Gavitt,  who  has  since  gone  to  his  reward,  remarked  that  “ no 
one  cood  be  more  nootraller  than  he  was.”  He  loyally  stayed  at 
home  all  day,  and  bushwhacked  Federal  pickets  all  night,  and 
after  battles  he  robbed  the  dead  and  wounded  of  both  sides 
impartially.  For  thus  remaining  neutral  we  have  been  per- 
mitted to  manage  our  niggers  in  our  own  way. 


650 


THE  CURSE  ABANDONED. 


The  curse  was  by  this  time  abandoned,  but  the  hankering 
after  cheap  labor  remained.  We  found  at  once  a new  reason 
for  degrading  this  race  — a new  theory  for  keeping  them 
down.  We  discovered,  just  in  the  nick  of  time,  that  they 
were  not  men  at  all.  And  this  suited  our  friends  of  the 
North.  They  had  always  objected  to  the  theory  that  the  ne- 
gro was  a man,  and  that  he  was  enslaved  because  of  his  infe- 
riority. They  murmured  to  themselves,  If  the  stronger  shall 
own  the  weaker,  if  the  intellectually  superior  shall  hold  in 
slavery  the  intellectually  inferior,  God  help  us ! We  might  as 
well  select  our  masters  at  once.” 

When  Lee  surrendered  at  Appomattox  Court  House,  we  felt 
that  all  was  gone.  We  felt  as  grateful,  as  men  of  our  stamp 
could  feel,  that  our  lives  were  not  forfeit,  that  we  had  yet  our 
property,  save  and  except  our  niggers.  But  this  feeling  wore 
off.  Andrew  Johnson  became  suddenly  tired  of  the  role  of 
Moses,  or  rather  he  changed  his  Israelites.  He  led  the  aston- 
ished Africans  into  the  Red  Sea,  and  left  them  there  ; and 
putting  himself  at  the  head  of  their  Egyptian  pursuers,  he 
pulled  them  out  of  the  troubled  waters  they  had  fallen  into.' 
We  were  not  slow  to  take  advantage  of  this  changed  condition 
of  affairs.  There  is  a modesty  in  the  Southern  character,  but  it 
does  not  crop  out  very  much.  We  began  to  talk  o^  our  rights  ; 
our  niggers,  and  our  system.  We  felt  that  all  was  not  lost  so 
much  as  it  had  been.  True,  tliey  were  free,  but  had  we  not 
legislatures?  Congress,  in  its  wisdom,  left  them  in  our  hands 
after  all.  They  could  vote  by  law,  and  by  law  some  of  us 
could  not ; but  what  of  law,  so  long  as  we  had  the  executing 
of  it?  We  were  admitted  to  the  Georgia  legislature,  and  we 
at  once  expelled  enough  of  our  black  enemies  to  give  us  the 
control  of  that  body.  Elsewhere  force  — the  rifle,  the  pistol, 
the  knife  — gave  us  the  control  we  wanted,  and  by  a liberal 
use  of  these  peculiarly  Southern  agencies,  the  doomed  sons  of 
Canaan  were  practically  as  far  from  freedom  as  ever.  They 
were  by  law  competent  to  vote  in  Louisiana,  but  of  what  avail 
to  them  was  that  privilege  so  long  as  the  power  was  in  the 
hands  of  our  people,  who  by  force  controlled  one  election,  that 
they  might  use  the  power  tlius  gained  to  disfranchise  them 
forever,  and  reduce  them  to  the  old  status  ? 


THE  NEGRO  A MAN. 


651 


It  was  necessary  to  satisf}^  our  friends  of  the  North  that  we 
were  right  in  this  matter.  We  had  no  trouble  to  do  it.  Our 
learned  men  measured  their  arms,  legs,  hands,  and  skulls,  and 
finding  a difference,  held  it  was  right  and  proper  that  all  polit- 
ical rights  be  depied  them.  Smelling  committees  were  ap- 
pointed, who  discovered  that  the  nigger  was  possessed  of  an 
odor  not  perceptible  in  the  white,  and  forthwith  that  odor  took 
the  entire  conservative  part  of  the  people  by  the  nose,  and  led 
them  at  its  own  sweet  will.  It  was  not  as  agreeable  as  Night- 
blooming Cereus,  and  it  was  decided  that  therefore  he  ought 
not  to  vote.  His  color  was  next  critically  considered,  and  in  a 
new  light.  It  was  not  like  ours;  and  should  a man  presume 
to  exercise  the  rights  of  freemen  whose  complexion  rivalled 
charcoal  ? Their  heels  protruded  more  than  ours,  and  there- 
fore they  must  be  deprived  of  all  privileges  save  that  of  liv- 
ing, and  that  only  by  sufferance.  This  rule  we  find  to  be 
weak  in  some  respects. 

The  first  objection  that  occurs  to  me  to  this  method  of  de- 
termining a man’s  qualifications  for  the  exercise  of  the  great 
privilege  of  a freeman  is  the  uncertainty  of  its  application. 
We  will  suppose  a white  man  to  have  arms,  legs,  and  skull,  of 
the  average  negro  shape  and  measurement ; does  that  unfit 
him  for  the  ballot?  We  must  admit  this,  if  these  measure- 
ments are  to  be  the  test.  Or,  suppose,  from  inattention  to 
personal  cleanliness,  he  should  carry  with  him  an  odor  unpleas- 
ant to  persons  of  refined  sensibilities,  ^vould  that  unfit  him  ? 
The  adoption  of  this  rule  would  require  boards  of  election  to 
smell  of  each  elector  wdio  offered  a ballot ; and  that  there  might 
be  uniformity  in  the  matter,  which  is  necessary  in  a republic, 
the  government  would  be  forced  to  establish  a bureau  of  per- 
fumery. 

Ignorance  we  would  urge  as  a disqualification  ; but  alas,  we 
have  a most  excellent  reason  for  sailing  clear  of  that.  A very 
large  per  cent,  of  those  who  oppose  giving  the  ballot  to  the 
negroes,  because  of  their  ignorance,  put  a cross  to  their  names 
when  they  sign  a promissory  note,  and  accomplish  that  simple 
feat  with  much  difficulty  and  running  out  of  tongue. 

Fielding,  the  great  English  novelist,  gave  us  a most  amus- 
ing picture  of  a terror  occasioned  in  a small  English  village  on 


652 


THE  TROUBLES  ENCOUNTERED. 


the  coast,  by  a rumor  that  the  French  had  landed  at  a time 
when  the  pugnacious  Gauls  were  threatening  an  invasion  of 
that  country.  At  the  grated  window  of  a debtor’s  prison  ap- 
pears the  face  of  a person  who  had  been  incarcerated  for  many 
years  for  a debt  which  he  could  never  hope  to  pay,  and  whose 
imprisonment  was  therefore  like  to  be  perpetual.  With  an  ex- 
pression of  the  most  earnest  indignation  upon  his  faded  face, 
he  exclaims,  from  behind  the  bars,  Zounds  ! are  the  French 
coming  to  deprive  us  of  our  liberties?” 

Even  so.  I must  admit  that  the  men  who  tremble  the  most 
for  their  country,  when  they  contemplate  the  ignorant  negro 
possessing  the  ballot,  are  those  who  cannot  read,  and  the  pat- 
riot who  sells  his  vote  for  a drink  of  rum,  is  the  identical  fel- 
low who  talks  the  loudest  of  the  danger  of  giving  the  ballot 
to  a mass  of  people  whose  votes  can  be  so  easily  influenced. 

Several  other  reasons  prevented  us  from  making  all  that  we 
hoped  for  out  of  the  ignorance  of  the  negroes,  particularly  of 
the  South.  Did  we  point  to  the  ignorant  field  hand,  and  ask 
triumphantly  if  such  as  he  was  fit  to  vote  ? Forthwith  our 
opponents  held  up,  as  an  offset,  the  degraded  brutes  of  our 
Northern  cities.  Did  we  point  to  the  vicious  negroes?  They 
could  and  did  point  to  the  roughs  of  New  York,  Philadelphia, 
and  Baltimore.  And  they  rather  troubled  us  when  they  as- 
serted that  the  ballot  in  the  hands  of  ignorant  white  men  was 
just  as  dangerous  as  in  the  hands  of  ignorant  black  men  ; that 
the  ballot,  ignorantly  or  viciously  cast,  is  what  hurts  us,  not 
the  color  of  the  man  who  casts  it.  They  asserted  that  he  who 
says  Stand  off”  to  the  colored  man  because  he  cannot  read 
his  ballot,  ought  to  say  ‘‘  Stand  off”  to  the  wliite  man  equally 
ignorant.  There  is  no  denying  this.  Were  intelligence  made  the 
test,  it  would  scarcel}^  be  worth  while  to  open  polls  in  half  the 
districts  of  New  York  city,  and  one  fourth  of  oiir  entire  strength 
would  fade  out  like  frost  under  a May  sun.  Finally  we  adopted 
as  ground  upon  which  we  could  stand,  the  theory  that  there 
were  many  creations  instead  of  one ; that  Adam  was  not  the 
Simon  pure,  original  man;  that  the  nigger  is  a different  being 
altogether  from  us  — a beast,  a sort  of  superior  baboon;  and 
being  a beast,  that  we  have  the  right  to  own  and  work  him, 
as  we  have  the  horse  or  ox. 


THE  BEAST  THEORY. 


653 


This  position  seemed  to  many  of  us  impregnable  ; but  it 
didn’t  stand  a minute.  Miscegenation  or  amalgamation  knocked 
the  support  out  from  under  us.  Up  stepped  a pert  abolition- 
ist, and  asked,  “ What  will  you  do  with  the  mulatto  — he  who 
is  half  man  and  half  beast  ? 

And  here  is  a difficulty.  If  we  count  them  as  beasts,  we  do 
the  man  that  is  in  them  injustice?  If  we  count  them  as  men, 
we  profane  manhood,  by  elevating  with  it  the  lower  creation. 

And  when  such  a one  dies,  what  then  ? Does  the  man  half, 
for  wliich  Christ  died,  claiming  its  inheritance  in  his  blood,  go 
into  the  next  world  on  an  equality  with  us,  dragging  with  it 
the  half  that  is  beast?  Or  should  there  be  ever  so  slight  a 
preponderance  of  beast,  does  the  hybrid  topple  over  in  a lop- 
sided wa}^  into  the  limbo  for  departed  animals,  dragging  with 
it  the  half  that  is  man?  If  so,  0,  my  Kentucky  friends,  how 
much  of  Kentucky  soul  and  Kentucky  spirit  is  there  in  that 
limbo,  held  in  solution  by  the  animal  surroundings  into  which 
your  gross  sensuality  has  condemned  it  ? 

That  unmitigated  wretch,  Joe  Bigler,  it  will  be  remembered, 
reproached  that  old  saint,  Deacon  Pogram,  for  walloping  one 
of  these  nearly  white  negroes  who  had  the  Pogram  nose. 

Deacon,”  said  he,  how  kin  yoo  bear  to  thrash  so  much  Po- 
gram for  the  sake  of  walloping  so  little  nigger?”  Another  ob- 
jection to  this  theory  is  the  fact,  that  while  treating  them  as 
beasts  in  the  matter  of  voting,  we  treat  them  very  much  like 
men  in  the  matter  of  tax-paying.  I have  known  men  who 
grew  furious  at  the  idea  of  being  jostled  at  the  polls  by  a 
negro,  do  violence  to  the  theory  by  standing  side  by  side, 
quietly  and  without  a murmur,  with  a very  black  one  in 
the  rush  to  pay  taxes  at  the  treasurer’s  office  ! And  during 
the  late  unpleasantness,  what  man  of  all  our  people  object- 
ed to  having  the  name  of  the  blackest  and  most  offensive 
negro  in  his  township  or  ward  written  just  before  his  own  on 
the  draft  enrolment?  That  was  what  hurt  us,  for  during  its 
continuance  we  heard  nothing  of  this  hatred  of  race.  The 
nigger  of  1861,  when  we  didn’t  want  him,  softened  down  won- 
drously  into  the  “colored  man”  in  1863,  when  we  did  want 
him.  The  negro’s  face,  black  as  it  was,  looked  well  to  our 
friends  of  the  North  under  a blue  cap,  and  he  was  a very 


654 


THE  COWARDICE  OP  THE  REPUBLICANS. 


Apollo  in  their  eyes  when  they  wanted  their  quotas  filled. 
Ours  was  a white  man’s  government;  but  we  were  all  won- 
drous willing  that  black  men  should  die  for  it  in  our  stead. 

If  I remember  aright,  I have,  in  the  course  of  these  re- 
marks, referred  to  the  Democracy  once  or  twice.  I cannot 
avoid  making  mention  of  their  competitors,  the  Republican 
party,  and  here  acknowledging  the  assistance  it  has  been  to 
us.  In  1856  that  party  got  hold  of  an  idea  that  for  many 
years  was  too  large  for  it.  They  grasped  it  by  the  tail,  and 
they  have  been  trying  to  manage  it  from  that  end  ever  since 
until  this  minute.  They  never  dared  to  look  it  in  the  face. 
The  crusade  upon  slavery,  squarely  made  years  ago  by  Wen- 
dell Phillips,  Lovejoy,  Garrison,  Giddings,  and  the  few  terrible 
agitators  who  were  bent  upon  turning  the  world  upside  down, 
which  they  did,  was  entered  into  by  those  who  followed  them 
afar  off,  only  when  they  were  compelled  to.  And  how  feeble 
their  assent ! They  endeavored  not  to  pierce  its  centre,  its 
weakest  point,  but  to  flank  it.  They  commenced  the  movement 
against  it  by  declaring  their  willingness  that  it  should  continue 
to  exist  in  the  States  — that  the  slave-pens,  under  the  shadow 
of  the  Capitol  at  Washington,  should  continue  to  show  forth 
the  beauties  of  a republican  form  of  government,  and  that 
they  themselves,  free  men,  should  continue  to  be  used  as 
bloodhounds,  with  United  States  marshals  to  set  them  on,  to 
hunt  down  the  fugitives  from  bondage.  They  made  haste  to 
announce  in  advance  their  determination  not  to  interfere  with 
it  where  it  existed,  and  they  never  did  till  they  were  com- 
pelled to.  They  frittered  away  the  first  two  years  of  the  war 
before  they  were  manly  enough  to  tie  themselves  to  what 
they  believed  to  be  a truth,  and  permit  it  to  drag  them  to  vic- 
tory. Forced  by  circumstances  they  could  not  control,  they 
mustered  up  courage  at  last  to  declare  the  only  friends  they 
had  in  the  South  free:  but  what  followed?  They  started  in 
affright  at  the  spectre  they  had  raised.  The  Republican  party 
was  brave  enough  to  face  the  armies  of  the  rebellion,  but  it 
was  not  brave  enough  to  face  a prejudice.  From  the  close  of 
the  war  up  to  this  winter,  in  the  very  flush  of  the  victories 
they  had  won  by  the  aid  of  the  strong  hands  of  their  .black 
allies,  they  coolly  betrayed  them.  So  magnanimous  were  they, 


A PHILOSOPHICAL  TRUTH. 


655 


so  generous  were  they  to  their  enemies,  that  they  forgot  their 
friends.  They  gave  us,  their  late  masters,  the  right  to  dis- 
franchise them  at  any  time.  They  gave  Southern  legislatures 
the  power  to  reduce  them  again  to  serfdom,  and  even  those  in 
the  Northern  States  were  denied  their  rights.  How  much 
these  foolish  people  have  made  by  their  motion,  how  much  they 
have  of  safety,  how  much  of  the  rights  they  have  earned,  how 
much  they  have  of  citizenship,  let  Memphis,  New  Orleans,  and 
the  Georgia  legislature  answer.  The  Republican  party  lacked 
the  courage,  and  we  knew  it  would,  to  follow  to  its  logical 
conclusion  the  idea  upon  which  it  was  based.  Too  many  of 
its  members  shuddered  at  the  Nigger  as  soon  as  the  Nigger 
was  of  no  use  to  them.  And  there  is  a reason  for  this.  It  is 
a soothing  thought  to  too  many  men  that  there  is  somebody 
lower  down  in  the  scale  of  humanity  than  themselves.  Such 
men  have  an  uncontrollable  desire  to  look  down  upon  some- 
body, and  hence  their  desire  to  .keep  the  negro  down,  as  that 
is  the  only  portion  of  the  race  they  can,  with  aii}^  show  of 
truth,  claim  to  be  above.  And  feeling  the  danger  of  his  ris- 
ing above  them  if  let  alone,  they  seek  to  keep  him  down  by 
piling  upon  his  head  the  dead  weight  of  unfriendly  legislation. 
It  is  a philosophical  truth  this.  The  more  despicable  the 
man,  the  more  anxious  he  is  to  have  it  understood  that 
somebody  is  lower  still.  The  most  ardent  defenders  of 
slavery  eight  years  ago  were  those  who  hadn’t  a particle 
of  interest  in  it,  — those  who,  if  negroes  had  been  selling 
at  five  cents  apiece,  could  not  have  raised  money  enough 
to  have  purchased  the  paring  of  one’s  finger  nail ; and  to-day 
those  most  bitterly  opposed  to  Nigger  suffrage  are  those  whose 
stolid  ignorance  and  inwrought  brutality  makes  any  attempt 
at  further  degradation  a hopeless  task.  They  can  be  got 
lower  — by  digging  a hole. 

How  shall  we  dispose  of  the  negro.  He  was  ever  a disturb- 
ing element  in  American  politics,  and  ever  will  be  so  long 
as  left  in  the  position  he  has  occupied.  The  curse  theory  is 
worthless,  and  the  beast  theory  leaks  like  a sieve.  If  there 
ever  was  anything  in  the  curse  it  has  all  faded  out,  and  if  he 
is  not  a man,  he  is  a most  excellent  imitation.  AVe  have  aban- 
doned the  Nasbyan  theory,  and  have  fallen  back  upon  Jeffer- 


656 


WHAT  TO  DO. 


son.  Now  that  the  government  is  in  a transition  state,  now 
that  we  can  make  of  it  what  we  will,  suppose  that  we  rebuild 
upon  a safe  and  sure  foundation.  Suppose  we  overhaul  the 
laws  of  tiie  country,  and  strike  out  the  word  white,”  leav- 
ino;  standing  alone  the  all-sufficient  word  man.  We  are  trvino' 
now  the  experiment  of  being  a genuine  republic.  Suppose 
that  there  may  be  no  longer  a dispute  upon  this  head,  that  we 
insist  upon  incorporating  into  the  Constitution  — the  supreme 
law  of  the  land  — the  Jeffersonian  Declaration,  that  all  men  are 
equal.  I want,  and  insist  upon  it,  that  the  Declaration  of 
Independence  shall  be  no  longer  a glittering  generality,”  as 
that  meanest  of  all  mean  things  God  ever  created,  a Massa- 
chusetts pro-slavery  man,  once  said,  but  a living,  robust  truth, 
possessed  of  as  much  vitality  as  any  other  truth  Which  has 
blessed  the  world. 

What  stands  in  the  way  ? Prejudice  1 Only  this,  and  noth- 
ing more,  and  that  may  be  overcome.  New  England  did  it, 
and  New  York,  years  ago,  took  one  step  in  that  direction.  In 
New  York,  the  negro  who  owns  a mule  worth  two  hundred 
and  fifty  dollars,  votes,  no  matter  what  his  other  qualifications 
may  be,  while  he  who  lacks  that,  does  not,  no  matter  how  well 
he  is  fitted  for  the  exercise  of  the  right  in  other  respects. 
This  is  not  well,  but  it  is  something.  By  this  rule  the  mule 
votes,  not  the  man  ; and  the  late  election  in  that  State  shows 
the  mules  to  have  been  largely  in  the  majority. 

Until  this  principle  is  adopted  our  republic  is  no  republic, 
and  our  boasted  freedom  is  a hollow  sham.  We  must  have  no 
more  of  this  inequality.  We  must  make  all  men  before  the  law 
equal.  We  must  not  leave  the  rights  of  a single  citizen  in  the 
hands  of  timid  legislatures,  interested  oligarchies,  and  ex-slave- 
holders. The  rights  of  the  negro  must  be  secured  by  law, 
above  the  reach  of  ex-slaveholders  ; men  who,  to  live  a life 
of  luxurious  idleness,  would  garrote  the  Goddess* of  Liberty 
for  the  white  robes  she  wears.  We  must  make  him  not  only 
free  in  name,  but  in  reality,  and  must  give  him  that  potent 
weapon,  the  ballot,  that  he  may  maintain  and  defend  his  free- 
dom. I want  all  distinctions  based  upon  color  wiped  out  in 
all  the  States.  I want  all  the  roots  of  this  bitterness  eradi- 
cated. I want  the  great  principle  upon  which  a republic 


NEGROES  IN  OFFICE. 


657 


should  be  founded  incorporated  into  the  Constitution.  If,  now 
that  it  can  be  done,  we  do  less  than  this,  we  are  cowards  and 
faithless  men. 

I want  them  to  have  all  privileges  enjoyed  by  other  classes. 

Do  you  want  niggers  in  office  ?’’  shudderingly  asks  the  member 
of  Congress,  who  sees  in  his  mind’s  eye  one  sitting  beside  him. 
I answer,  ‘‘  Certainly,  if  the  people  desire  it,  not  otherwise ; ” 
and  they  are  a part  of  the  people.  I have  no  particular  care  in 
the  matter;  I only  insist  that  they  shall  be  eligible.  Whether 
they  are  elected  to  official  position  or  not,  is  something  that  is 
entirely  within  your  control.  If  you  return  a man  a horse  that 
is  his,  it  does  not  follow  that  you  must  give  him  also  silver- 
plated  harness  and  a carriage.  If  you  pay  a debt,  it  does 
not  follow  that  you  must  likewise  marry  into  the- family  of  your 
creditor.  You  have  in  this  city  an  overwhelming  majority  of 
whites  — it  is  for  yon  to  choose.  Where  they  have  a majority, 
I presume  they  will  do  as  we  have  done  — elect  men  of  their 
own  race ; and  I should  advise  them  to.  But  there  is  no  law 
to  compel  you  to  elect  black  men,  or  men  of  any  other  color, 
to  official  position.  You  have  a right  to  vote  for  whom  you 
please.  I am  not  certain  but  that  the  good  of  the  public  would 
be  subserved  by  substituting  some  negroes  I know  of  for  some 
white  officials.  For  instance,  were  I a citizen  of  New  York, 
I would  most  gladly  exchange  John  Morrisey  for  Frederick 
Douglass,  and  rather  than  spoil  the  trade,  I would  throw  in 
Fernando  WYod  and  his  brother  Ben,  and  esteem  the  bargain 
a most  excellent  one  at  that.  But  our  conservative  friends  do 
not  so  see  it.  ‘‘My  God!”  said  one  of  them,  with  horror  in 
his  countenance,  “ think  of  my  being  tried  afore  a nigger  jury 
for  hoss-stealin  ! ” 

The  people  elect,  or  ought  to  elect,  men  to  office  to  serve 
them.  If  you  desire  whitewashing  done,  do  yoti  look  at  the 
color  of  the  artist  to  whom  you  intrust  the  purifying  of  your 
walls  and  ceilings  ? No  ; yqu  select  the  man  who  has  the  most 
skill.  Why  not  so  in  official  positions?  If  you  have  among 
you  negroes  who  have  ability  superior  to  the  whites,  if  you 
have  those  who  can  better  fill  the  offices,  you  as  tax-payers, 
do  yourselves  gross  injustice  by  not  electing  them.  It  does 
not  follow  that  you  must  therefore  take  them  to  your  bosoms 
*^42 


658 


‘"MAN.” 

as  social  equals.  You  have,  under  the  Constitution  of  the 
United  States,  the  blessed  privilege  of  choosing  your  own 
associations.  We  do  not  care  to  associate  with  all  white  men, 
but  all  white  men  vote  nevertheless. 

1 would  not  make  them  superior  to  the  white.  I would  do 
nothing  more  for  them  than  I would  for  other  men.  But  I 
would  not  prevent  them  from  doing  for  themselves.  I would 
tear  down  all  bars  to  their  advancement.  1 would  let  them 
make  of  themselves  all  that  they  may.  In  a republic  there 
should  be  no  avenue  to  honor  or  well-doiug  closed  to  any  man. 
If  the}^  outstrip  me  in  the  race,  it  proves  them  to  be  more 
worthy,  and  they  are  clearly  entitled  to  the  advantages  re- 
sulting. There  is  no  reason  for  this  inequality.  Knowing 
how  deep  the  prejudice  is  against  the  race,  knowing  how  low 
down  in  our  very  natures  its  roots  have  struck,  I. demand,  in 
our  renewed  and  purified  republic,  the  abrogation  of  all  laws 
discriminating  against  them.  I demand  for  them  full  equality 
with  us  before  the  law.  Come  what  may,  let  it  lead  to  what 
it  will,  this  demand  I make.  I make  it  as  a worshipper  of 
true  Democracy ; as  one  who  believes  in  the  divine  right  of 
man — not  white  man,  red  man,  or  black  man,  but  man,  to  self- 
government.  I make  it  as  one  who  will  be  free  himself ; and 
that  he  may  be  free  himself,  would  have  all  others  free.  I 
demand  it,  not  as  a gracious  gift  to  the  colored  man  of  some- 
thing we  might,  if  expedient,  withhold,  not  as  a right  he 
has  earned  by  service  done,  but  humbly,  and  with  shame 
in  my  face  at  the  wrong  we  have  done,  I would  give  it  him 
as  returning  a right  that  was  always  his ; a right  to  which 
he  has  a patent  from  God  Almighty ; a right  that  we  had 
taken  from  him  by  brute  force,  and  the  taking  of  which  by 
us  was  almost  the  unpardonable  sin.  I demand  it,  for  until 
it  is  done  our  boasted  freedom  is  a sham,  and  our  pretence 
of  republicanism  a miserable  lie.  I demand  it,  for  I would 
have  no  privileged  classes  in  this  government,  for  fear  that 
some  day  my  children  may  by  force  be  deprived  of  the  rights 
I enjoy  by  a class  arrogating  to  themselves  superiority.  I 
demand  it,  because  I believe  governments  were  instituted 
on  earth  for  the  protection  of  the  weak  against  the  strong, 
and  that  in  a republic  the  ballot  is  the  weak  man’s  only 


ALL  MEN  CREATED  EQUAL. 


G59 


protection.  I demand  it,  because  we  cannot  afford  to  give  the 
lie  to  our  professions ; because  we  cannot  afford  to  say  to  the 
world  one  thing  and  do  another. 

What  shall  we  do  with  the  negro?  Do  by  him  what  en- 
lightened Christianity  commandsms  to  do  to  all.  Let  us  square 
our  action  in  this,  as  in  all  other  matters,  by  that  sublime  pre- 
cept, ‘‘  Do  unto  others  as  ye  would  have  others  do  unto  you.^’ 

Casting  behind  us,  as  unworthy  of  a moment’s  serious  con- 
sideration, the  miserable  sophistries  of  the  false  teachers  who 
have  well  nigh  ruined  the  republic,  let  us  dare  to  do  right. 
Let  us  declare  and  crystalize  our  Declaration  into  unchange- 
able laws,  that  under  the  flag  all  men  shall  be  men.  Let  us 
build  an  altar,  the  foundation  of  which  shall  be  Reason,  the 
topstone  Justice,  and.  laying  thereon  our  prejudices,  let  them 
be  consumed  in  the  steady,  pure  flame  of  Humanity.  The 
smell  of  that  sacrifice  will  be  a sweeter  savor  to  the  Father 
of  all  races  than  any  since  Abel’s.  Let  us  raise  ourselves  from 
the  low,  dead,  flat  plane  of  self-interest,  and  demonstrate  our 
strength,  not  by  trampling  upon  the  defenceless  heads  of  those 
weaker  and  lower  than  ourselves,  but  by  lifting  them  up  to  us. 
And  then,  when  the  flag  has  under  its  shadow  only  free  men, 
when  all  men  are  recognized  as  men,  we  can  look  the  world 
in  the  face,  and  repeat  without  a blush  that  grand  old  Declara- 
tion, that  Magna  Charta  of  human  rights,  that  Evangel  of 
Humanity  : “We  hold  these  truths  to  be  self-evident,  that  all 

men  are  created  equal ; that  they  are  endowed  by  their  Creator 
with  certain  inalienable  rights ; that  among  these  are  life,  lib- 
erty, and  the  pursuit  of  happiness.” 


" THE  STBUGGLES  OF  A CONSERVATIVE  WITH 
THE  WOMAN  QUESTION:’ 

A LECTURE 

DELIVERED  IN  MUSIC  HALL,  BOSTON,  DEC.  16,  1868. 

I AM  by  nature  a Conservative,  for  I was  born  one.  In  my 
infancy  I was  rocked  in  an  old-fashioned  cradle,  for  my  parents 
would  have  nothing  whatever  to  do  with  new-fashioned  gim- 
cracks  on  springs.  Whatever  they  used  must  be  that  which 
had  the  sanction  of  years.  When  my  infantile  stomach  was 
agonized,  I was  soothed  with  Godfrey’s  Cordial.  At  the  be- 
ginning, paregoric  was  the  favorite  anodyne ; but  my  mother 
one  day  happening  to  discover  in  a household  book  that  her 
grandmother  used  Godfrey’s  Cordial,  that  was  immediately 
substituted  as  being  undoubtedly  the  best.  Godfrey’s  Cordial 
was  counted  the  most  efficacious,  because  the  bottles  which 
contained  it  were  quaint  and  old-fashioned,  and  the  labels  were 
printed  in  the  characters  and  upon  the  paper  used  a century 
ago.  It  was  good  enough  for  the  stomachs  of  m}^  ancestors, 
and  why  not  for  mine?  It  has  been  ever  since  a rule  in  our 
family  that  it  is  better  for  babies  to  die  with  Godfrey’s  Cordial 
than  to  live  with  any  other- remedy.  One  brother  of  mine, 
v/hose  head  differed  in  shape  from  the  others  of  the  family,  in 
being  largest  in  front  of  the  ears,  suggested  that  the  world 
had  progressed  since  Godfrey’s  day,  and  that  possibly  science 
had  produced  a better  combination.  He  was  ordered  to  leave 
the  house  instantly.  As  a rebuke  to  him,  my  infant  sister  was 
given  a double  dose  of  Godfrey,  and  my  father  prayed  earnest- 
ly against  innovators  and  presumptuous  men,  and  erased  his 

660 


THE  ANCIENTS. 


661 


name  from  the  family  Bible.  The  little  sister  died  before 
morning  ; my  brother  went  away  and  invented  an  improve- 
ment in  steam  engines,  thus  fiendishly  inflicting  a stab  at  the 
horse  interest.  But  I cannot  dwell  upon  family  matters.  I 
have  much  to  say,  and  life  is  short  and  uncertain.  I know 
that’s  so,  for  a life  insurance  man  told  me  so  yesterday. 

I grew  up  with  reverence  for  everything  old.  I am  not  the 
man  who  caught  hold  of  the  coat-tail  of  Progress,  and  yelled 
Whoa  ! ” I do  not  believe  there  ever  was  such  a man.  Prog- 
ress does  not  wear  a coat ; he  rushes  by  in  his  shirt  sleeves  ; 
and,  besides,  your  true  Conservative,  of  whom  I am  which, 
'never  gets  awake  in  time  to  see  Progress  whistle  by. 

I never  think,  for  there’s  no  necessity  for  thinking.  All  the 
trouble  the  world  has  ever  seen  has  proceeded  from  pestiferous 
thinkers.  I am  content  that  men  who  departed  this  life  some 
centuries  ago,  and  were  decently  buried,  and  had  their  obitu- 
aries published  in  the  newspapers,  and  their  tombstones  erect- 
ed, with  as  many  virtues  cut  upon  them  as  their  administrators 
had  money  to  pay  for  — I am  content  that  these  men,  deceased 
as  they  are,  should  do  my  thinking  for  me.  I study  these 
men,  and  take  their  action  as  safe  precedent  to  follow.  With 
such  men  as  I am,  the  thing  that  has  been  done  is  the  right 
thing  to  do ; and  the  thing  that  has  never  been  done,  must 
therefore  never  be  done. 

We  have  a poor  opinion  of  ourselves.  W^e,  of  the  United 
States,  believe  that  all  the  wisdom  of  the  country  died  with  the 
last  member  of  the  Continental  Congress,  and  that  our  only 
hope  is  in  following  closely  in  the  footsteps  of  the  members  of 
that  body.  Therefore  we  opposed  the  abolition  of  slavery, 
because  they  left  us  slavery.  We  opposed  all  attempts  to  sup- 
press intemperance,  because  intemperance  was ; and  such  of 
us  as  professed  Christianity,  opposed  Sunday  schools,  because 
Paul  was  not  a superintendent  of  one,  and  because  we  could 
nowhere  find  it  recorded  that  Luke  had  a Bible,  or  Martha  an 
infant  class. 

Irreverent  men,  it  is  true,  puzzle  our  Christian  Conservatives, 
by  insisting  that  if  all  old  things  are  good  things,  then  we 
must  all  rush  into  murder,  that  cheerful  vice  being  almost  con- 
temporary with  creation. 


662  WHAT  COULD  WE  HAVE  DONE  WITHOUT  WOMAN? 

But  we  do  not  allow  that  to  shake  us.  Conservatives  are 
not,  as  a rule,  logicians.  They  have  an  anchor  in  precedent, 
which  holds  them  fast,  while  logic  is  a ship  that  sails  out  into 
unexplored  seas.  By  doing  only  that  which  has  been  done, 
we  hold  fast  to  our  ancestors ; and  if  they  were  not  respectable 
people,  who  were  ? 

I adore  woman.  1 recognize  the  importance  of  the  sex,  and 
lay  at  its  feet  my  humble  tribute.  But  for  woman,  where 
would  we  have  been  ? Who  in  our  infancy  washed  our  faces, 
fed  us  soothing  syrup,  and  taught  us  How  doth  the  little 
busy  bee?  ’’  Woman  ! To  whom  did  we  give  red  apples  in 
our  boyhood  ? for  whom  did  we  part  our  hair  behind,  and  wear 
No.  7 boots  when  No.  lO’s  would  have  been  more  comfortable? 
and  WITH  WHOM  did  we  sit  up  nights,  in  the  hair-oil  period  of 
our  existence?  And  finally,  whom  did  we  marry?  But  for 
woman  what  would  the  novelists  have  done?  What  would 
have  become  of  Sylvanus  Cobb,  Jr.'if  he  had  had  no  women 
to  make  heroines  of?  And  without  Sylvanus  Cobb,  Bonner 
could  not  have  made  the  Ledger  a success ; Everett  would  be 
remembered  not  as  the  man  who  wrote  for  the  Ledger,  but 
merely  as  an  orator  and  statesman ; Beecher  never  would  have 
written  Norwood,  and  Dexter  might  to-day  have  been  chafing 
under  the  collar  in  a dray  ! But  for  woman  George  Washing- 
ton would  not  have  been  the  father  of  his  country,  the  Sun- 
day school  teachers  would  have  been  short  the  affecting  story 
of  the  little  hatchet  and  the  cherry  tree,  and  half  the  babies 
in  the  country  would  have  been  named  after  some  one  else. 
Possibly  they  might  have  all  been  Smiths.  But  for  woman 
Andrew  Johnson  never  would  have  been,  and  future  genera- 
tions would  have  lost  the  most  awful  example  of  depravity  the 
world  has  ever  seen.  I adore  woman,  but  I want  her  to  keep 
her  place.  I don’t  want  woman  to  be  the  coming  man  ! 

In  considering  this  woman  question  I occupy  the  Conserva- 
tive standpoint.  I find  that  from  the  most  gray-headed  times 
one  half  of  the  human  race  have  lived  and  moved  by  the  grace 
and  favor  of  the  other  half  From  the  beginning  woman  has 
occupied  a dependent  position,  and  has  been  only  what  man 
has  made  her.  The  Turks,  logical  fellows,  denied  her  a soul, 
and  made  of  her  an  object  of  barter  and  sale  ; the  American 


A BIBLICAL  STATEMENT. 


663 


Indians  made  of  her  a beast  of  burden.  In  America,  since  we 
extended  the  area  of  civilization  by  butchering  the’  Indians, 
we  have  copied  both.  In  the  higher  walks  of  life  she  is  a toy 
to  be  played  with,  and  is  bought  and  sold ; in  the  lower  strata 
she  bears  the  burdens  and  does  the  drudgery  of  servants,  with- 
out the  ameliorating  conditions  that  make  other  servitude 
tolerable  and  possible  to  be  borne.  But  I am  sure  that  her 
present  condition  is  her  proper  condition,  for  it  always  has 
been  so. 

Adam  subjugated  Eve  at  the  beginning,  and  following  pre- 
cedent Cain  subjugated  his  wife.  Mrs.  Cain,  not  being  an 
original  thinker,  imitated  her  mother-in-law,  who  probably  lived 
with  them,  and  made  it  warm  for  her,  as  is  the  custom  of 
mothers-in-law,  and  the  precedent  being  established,  it  has  been 
so  ever  since.  I reject  with  scorn  the  idea  advanced  by  a 
schoolmistress,  that  Eve  was  an  inferior  woman,  and  therefore 
submitted  ; and  that  Eve’s  being  an  inferior  woman  was  no 
reason  for  classing  all  her  daughters  with  her.  “Had  I been 
Eve,”  she  remarked,  “ I would  have  made  a different  prece- 
dent 1 ” and  I rather  think  she  would. 

The  first  record  we  have  of  man  and  woman  is  in  the  first 
chapter  of  Genesis.  “ So  God  created  man  in  his  own  image. 
And  he  made  man  of  the  dust  of  the  earth.”  In  the  second 
chapter  we  have  a record  of  the  making  of  woman  by  taking 
a rib  from  man.  Man,  it  will  be  observed,  was  created  first, 
showing  conclusively  that  he  was  intended  to  take  precedence 
of  woman.  This  woman,  to  whom  I referred  a moment  since, 
denied  the  correctness  of  the  conclusion.  Man  was  made  first, 
woman  afterwards,  — isn’t  it  reasonable  to  suppose  that  the 
last  creation  was  the  best?  “If  there  is  anything  in  being 
first,”  she  continued,  “man  must  acknowledge  the  supremacy 
of  the  goose,  for  the  fowl  is  first  mentioned.”  And  she  argued 
further : “ Man  was  made  of  the  dust  of  the  earth,  the  lowest 
form  of  matter ; woman  was  made  of  man,  the  highest  and 
most  perfect  form.  It  is  clear  that  woman  must  be  the  better, 
for  she  was  made  of  better  material ! ” But,  of  course,  I look 
upon  this  as  mere  sophistry. 

I attempted  to  trace  the  relative  condition  of  the  sexes  from 
the  creation  down  to  the  fall  of  man,  but  the  Bible  is  silent 


664 


EVE.  ' 


npon  the  subject,  and  the  files  of  the  newspapers  of  the  period 
were  doubtless  all  destroyed  in  the  flood.  I have  not  been 
able  to  find  that  any  have  been  preserved  in  the  public  libra- 
ries of  the  country.  But  it  is  to  be  presumed  that  they  lived 
upon  precisely  the  terms  that  they  do  now.  I shall  assume 
that  Eve  was  merely  the  domestic  servant  of  Adam  — that 
she  rose  in  the  morning,  careful  not  to  disturb  his  slum- 
bers — that  she  cooked  his  breakfast,  called  him  affectionately 
when  it  was  quite  ready,  waited  upon  him  at  table,  arranged 
his  shaving  implements  ready  to  his  hand,  saw  him  properly 
dressed  — after  which  she  washed  the  dishes,  and  amused  her- 
self darning  his  torn  fig  leaves  till  the  time  arrived  to  prepare 
dinner,  and  so  on  till  nightfall,  after  which  time  she  improved 
her  mind,  and,  before  master  Cain  was  born,  slept.  She  did 
not  even  keep  a kitchen  girl ; at  least  I find  no  record  of  any- 
thing of  the  kind.  Probably  at  that  time  the  emigration  from 
Ireland  was  setting  in  other  directions,  and  help  was  hard  to 
get.  That  she  was  a good  wife  and  a contented  one  I do  not 
doubt.  I find  no  record  in  the  Scriptures  of  her  throwing 
tea-pots,  or  chairs,  or  brooms,  or  anything  of  the  sort  at  Adam’s 
head,  nor  is  it  put  down  that  at  any  time  she  intimated  a de- 
sire for  a divorce,  which  proves  conclusively  that  the  Garden 
of  Eden  was  not  located  in  the  State  of  Indiana.  But  I judge 
that  Adam  was  a good,  kind  husband.  He  did  not  go  to  his 
club  at  night,  for,  as  near  as  I can  learn,  he  had  no  club.  His 
son  Cain  had  one,  however,  as  his  other  son,  Abel,  discovered. 

I am  certain  that  he  did  not  insist  on  smoking  cigars  in  the 
back  parlor,  making  the  curtains  smell.  I do  not  know  that 
these  things  are  so ; but  as  mankind  does  to  day  what  man- 
kind did  centuries  ago,  it  is  reasonable  to  assume,  when  we 
don’t  know  anything  about  it,  that  what  is  done  to-day  was 
done  centuries  ago.  The  bulk  of  mankind  have  learned  noth- 
ing since  Adam’s  time.  Eve’s  duties  were  not  as  trying  as 
those  piled  upon  her  daughters.  As  compared  \Vith  the  fashion- 
able women  of  to-day,  her  lot  was  less  perplexing.  Society 
was  not  so  exacting  in  her  time.  She  had  no  calls  to  make, 
or  parties  to  give  and  attend.  Her  toilet  was  much  simpler, 
and  did  not  require  the  entire  resources  of  her  intellect.  If 
her  situation  is  compared  with  that  of  the  wives  of  poorer 


INTELLECTUAL  POWER. 


665 


men,  it  will  be  found  to  be  better.  They  had  no  meat  to  dress, 
flour  to  knead,  or  bread  to  bake.  The  trees  bore  fruit,  which 
were  to  be  had  for  the  picking ; and  as  they  were  strict  vegeta- 
rians, *it  sufficed.  I have  wished  that  her  taste  in  fruit  had 
been  more  easily  satisfied,  for  her  unfortunate  craving  after 
one  particular  variety  brought  me  into  trouble.  But  I have 
forgiven  her.  I shall  never  reproach  her  for  this.  She  is 
dead,  alas  ! and  let  her  one  fault  lie  undisturbed  in  the  grave 
with  her.  It  is  well  that  Eve  died  when  she  did.  It  would 
have  broken  her  heart  had  she  lived  to  see  how  the  most  of  her 
family  turned  out. 

I insist,  however,  that  what  labor  of  a domestic  nature  was 
done,  she  did.  She  picked  the  fruit,  pared  it  and  stewed  it, 
like  a dutiful  wdfe.  She  was  no  strong-minded  female,  and 
never  got  out  of  her  legitimate  sphere.  I have  searched  the 
book  of  Genesis  faithfully,  and  I defy  any  one  to  find  it  re- 
corded therein  that  Eve  ever  made  a public  speech,  or 
expressed  any  desire  to  preach,  practise  law  or  medicine,  or 
sit  in  the  legislature  of  her  native  State.  What  a crushing, 
withering,  scathing,  blasting  rebuke  to  the  Dickinsons,  Stan- 
tons, Blackwells,  and  Anthonys  of  this  degenerate  day. 

I find  in  the  Bible  many  arguments  against  the  equality  of 
woman  with  man  in  point  of  intellectual  power.  The  serpent 
tempted  Eve,  not  Adam.  Why  did  he  select  Eve?  Ah,  why, 
indeed  ! Whatever  else  may  be  said  of  Satan,  no  one  will,  I 
think,  question  his  ability  ! I do  not  stand  here  as  his  cham- 
pion or  even  apologist ; in  fact,  I am  willing  to  admit  that  in 
many  instances  his  behavior  has  been  ungentlemanly,  but  no 
one  will  deny  that  he  is  a most  consummate  judge  of  character, 
and  that  he  has  never  failed  to  select  for  his  work  the  most  fit- 
ting instruments.  In  this,  as  in  all  other  respects,  save  ability, 
A.  Johnson  was  very  like  him.  When  America  was  to  be  be- 
trayed the  first  time,  Satan  selected  Arnold  ; when  the  second 
betra}^al  of  the  Republic  was  determined  upon,  he  knew  where 
Jefferson  Davis,  Floyd,  and  Buchanan  lived  ; and  when  he  had 
other  dirty  work  to  do,  with  unfailing  instinct,  he  clapped  his 
claw  on  the  shoulders  of  Chief  Justice  Chase,  as  he  had  before 
drafted  Seward  and  Doolittle.  When  there  is  a fearful  piece 
of  jobbery  to  get  through  Congress  or  the  New  York  legisla- 


666 


MORE  BIBLICAL  STATEMENTS. 


ture,  he  never  fails  to  select  precisely  the  right  persons  for 
the  villany.  Possibly  he  is  not  entitled  to  credit  for  discrimi- 
nation in  these  last-mentioned  bodies,  for  he  could  not  very 
well  go  wrong.  He  could  find  instruments  in  either,  with 
both  hands  tied  and  blindfolded.  But  this  is  a digression. 
Why  did  Satan  select  Eve  ? Because  he  knew  that  Eve  the 
woman,  was  weaker  than  Adam  the  man,  and  therefore  best 
for  his  purpose.  This  reckless  female  insisted  that  Satan  ap- 
proached Eve  first,  because  he  knew  that  woman  was  not 
afraid  of  the  devil ; but  I reject  this  explanation  as  irrelevant, 
At  this  point,  however,  we  must  stop.  Should  we  go  on,  we 
would  find  that  Eve,  the  weak  woman,  tempted  Adam,  the 
strong  man,  with  distinguished  success,  which  would  leave  us 
in  this  predicament : Satan,  stronger  than  Eve,  tempted  her  to 
indulge  in  fruit.  Eve’s  weakness  was  demonstrated  by  her 
falling  a victim  to  temptation.  Eve  tempted  Adam ; Adam 
yielded  to  Eve ; therefore,  if  Eve  was  weak  in  yielding  to 
Satan,  how  much  weaker  was  Adam  in  yielding  to  Eve  ? If 
Satan  had  been  considerate  of  the  feelings  of  the  conserva- 
tives, his  best  friends,  by  the  way,  in  all  ages,  he  would  have 
tempted  Adam  first,  and  caused  Adam  to  tempt  Eve.  This 
would  have  afforded  us  the  edifying  spectacle  of  the  strong  man 
leading  the  weak  woman,  which  would  be  in  accordance  with 
our  idea  of  the  eternal  fitness  of  things.  But  now  that  I look 
at  it  again,  this  would’nt  do ; for  it  is  necessary  to  our  argu- 
ment that  the  woman  should  be  tempted  first,  to  prove  that  she 
was  the  weaker  of  the  two.  I shall  dismiss  Adam  and  Eve  with 
the  remark,  that  notwithstanding  the  respect  one  ought  always 
to  feel  for  his  ancestors,  those  whose  blood  is  the  same  as  that 
running  in  his  veins,  I cannot  but  say  that  Adam’s  conduct  in 
this  transaction  was  weak.  If  Adam’s  spirit  is  listening  to  me 
to-night,  I can’t  help  it.  I presume  he  will  feel  badly  to  hear 
me  say  it,  but  truth  is  truth.  Instead  of  saying  boldly,  I 
ate  ! ” he  attempted  to  clear  his  skirts  by  skulking  behind 
those  of  his  wife’s.  “ The  woman  thou  gavest  me  tempted 
me  and  I did  eat,”  he  said,  which  was  paltry.  Had  Adam  been 
stronger  minded  he  would  have  refused  the  tempting  bite,  and 
then  only  woman  would  have  been  amenable  to  the  death 
penalty  that  followed.  This  would  have  killed  the  legal  pro- 


INFERIOR. 


667 


fession  in  Chicago,  for  what  man  who  was  to  live  forever  would 
get  a divorce  from  his  wife  who  could  live  but  eighty  or 
ninety  years  at  best  ? 

As  a conservative,  I oppose  any  advancement  of  woman, 
because  she  is  the  inferior  of  man.  This  fact  is  recognized  in 
all  civilized  countries,  and  in  most  heathen  nations.  The 
Hindoos,  it  is  true,  in  one  of  their  practices,  acknowledge  a 
superiority  of  woman.  In  Hindostan,  when  a man  dies,  his 
widow  is  immediately  burned,  that  she  may  follow  him,  — an 
acknowledgement  that  woman  is  as  necessary  to  him  in  the 
next  world  as  in  this.  As  men  are  never  burned  when  their 
wives  die,  it  may  be  taken  as  admitting  that  women  are  abun- 
dantly able  to  get  along  alone  ; or,  perchance  it  may  be  because 
men  in  that  country,  as  in  this,  can  get  new  wives  easier  than 
women  can  get  new  husbands.  The  exit  from  this  world  by 
fire  was  probably  chosen,  that  the  wife  might  in  some  measure 
be  fitted  for  the  climate  in  which  she  might  expect  to  find  her 
husband. 

The  inferiority  of  the  sex  is  easy  of  demonstration.  It  has 
been  said  that  the  mother  forms  the  character  of  the  man  so 
long,  that  the  proposition  has  become  axiomatic.  If  this  be  true, 
we  can  crush  those  who  prate  of  the  equality  of  women,  by 
holding  up  to  the  gaze  of  the  world  the  inferior  men  she  has 
formed.  Look  at  the  Congress  of  the  United  States.  Look  at 
Garret  Davis.  By  their  works  ye  shall  know  them.  It  wonT 
do  to  cite  me  to  the  mothers  of  the  good  and  great  men  whose 
names  adorn  American  History.  The  number  is  too  small. 
There’s  George  Washington,  Wendell  Phillips,  Abraham  Lin-' 
coin,  and  one  other,  whose  name  all  the  tortures  of  the  Inquisi- 
tion could  not  make  me  reveal.  Modesty  forbids  me. 

Those  who  clamor  for  the  extension  of  the  sphere  of  woman, 
point  to  the  names  of  women  illustrious  in  history,  sacred  and 
profane.  I find,  to  my  discomfiture,  that  some  of  the  sex 
really  excelled  the  sterner.  There  was  Mrs.  Jezebel  Ahab, 
for  instance.  Ahab  wanted  the  vineyard  of  Naboth,  which 
Naboth  refused  to  sell,  owing  to  a prejudice  he  had  against 
disposing  of  real  estate  which  he  had  inherited.  Ahab,  who 
was  not  an  ornament  to  his  sex,  went  home  sick,  and  took  to 
his  bed  like  a girl,  and  turned  away  his  face,  and  would  eat  no 


668 


POCAHONTAS  AND  DELILAH. 


bread.  Mrs.  Abab  was  made  of  sterner  stuff.  Arise/^  said 
Mrs.  A. ; “ be  merry.  I will  give  thee  the  vineyard  of  Naboth 
the  Jezrelite.’^  And  she  did  it.  She  trapped  him  as  neatly  as 
David  did  Uriah.  She  suborned  two  sons  of  Belial  (by  the 
way  Belial  has  had  a large  family,  and  the  stock  has  not  run 
out  yet),  to  bear  false  witness  against  him,  saying  that  he  had 
blasphemed  God  and  the  King,  and  they  took  him  out  and 
stoned  him.  Ahab  got  the  vineyard.  It  is  true  this  lady  came 
to  a miserable  end,  but  she  accomplished  what  she  desired. 

Miss  Pocahontas  has  been  held  up  as  a sample  of  female 
strength  of  mind.  I don’t  deny  that  she  displayed  some 
decision  of  character,  but  it  was  fearfully  unwomanly.  When 
her  father  raised  his  club  over  the  head  of  the  astonished 
Smith,  instead  of  rushing  in  so  recklessly,  she  should  have  said, 

Please,  pa,  don’t.^’  Her  recklessness  was  immense.  Sup- 
pose Pocahontas  had  been  unable  to  stay  the  blow,  where 
would  our  Miss  have  been  then?  She  never  would  have 
married  Rolfe  ; and  what  would  the  first  families  of  Virginia 
have  done  for  somebody  to  descend  from?  When  we  remem- 
ber that  all  the  people  of  that  proud  State  claim  this  woman 
as  their  mother,  we  shudder,  or  ought  to,  when  we  contem- 
plate the  possible  consequences  of  her  rashness. 

Delilah,  whose  other  name  is  not  recorded,  overcame  Samson, 
the  first  and  most  successful  conundrum  maker  of  his  age,  and 
Jael,  it  will  be  remembered,  silenced  Sisera  forever.  Joan  of 
Arc  conquered  the  English  after  the  French  leaders  failed, 
and  Elizabeth  of  England  was  the  greatest  of  English  rulers. 
I acknowledge  all  this,  but  then  these  women  had  opportuni- 
ties beyond  those  of  women  in  general.  They  had  as  many 
opportunities  as  the  men  of  their  respective  periods  had,  and 
consequently,  if  they  were  mentally  as  great  as  men,  — no, 
that  isn’t  what  I mean  to  say,  — if  the  men  of  the  period 
were  no  greater  mentally  than  they  — no  — if  the  circumstan- 
ces which  surrounded  them,  gave  them  opportunities,  which, 
being  mentally  as  great  as  men — I have  this  thing  mixed  up 
somehow,  and  it  don’t  result  as  it  ought  to  — but  this  is  true ; 
Delilah,  Elizabeth,  Joan  of  Arc — all  and  singular,  unsexed 
themselves,  and  did  things  unbecoming  ladies  of  refinement 
and  cultivation.  Joan’s  place  was  spinning  flax  in  her  father’s 


REBEKAII. 


669 


hut,  and  not  at  the  head  of  armies.  Had  she  followed  the 
natural  mode  of  feminine  life  she  would  not  have  been  burned 
at  the  stake,  and  the  English  would  not  have  been  interrupted 
in  their  work  of  reducing  France  to  the  condition  of  an  English 
province.  Had  I lived  in  France,  I should  have  said,  Down 
with  her  ! Let  us  perish  under  a man  rather  than  be  saved  by 
a woman  ! Joan  should  have  been  ashamed  of  herself — I 
blush  for  her.  Had  Elizabeth  been  content  to  entrust  her 
kingdom  to  the  hands  of  her  cabinet,  she  would  have  left  it 
ill  the  happy  condition  of  the  United  States  at  the  close  of 
Buchanan’s  administration,  but  she  would  have  been  true  to 
our  idea  of  the  womanly  life. 

There  is,  in  the  feminine  character,  a decisive  promptness 
which  we  must  admire.  Eve  ate  the  apple  without  a moment’s 
hesitation,  and  the  characteristic  is  more  beautifully  illustrated 
in  the  touching  and  well  reported  account  of  the  courtship 
and  marriage  of  Rebekah  with  Isaac.  Abraham’s  servant  was 
sent,  it  will  be  remembered,  by  such  of  you  as  have  read  the 
Bible,  to  negotiate  for  a wife  for  young  Isaac  among  his 
kindred,  as  he  had  as  intense  a prejudice  against  the  Canaaii- 
ites  as  have  the  Democracy  of  the  present  day.  This  servant, 
whom  we  will  call  Smith,  as  his  name  unfortunately  has  not 
been  preserved,  and  Laban,  the  brother  of  Rebekah,  had  almost 
arranged  the  matter.  The  servant  desired  to  return  with  the 
young  lady  at  once,  but  the  mother  and  brother  desired  her 
to  remain  some  days,  contrary  to  modern  practice,  in  that  the 
parents  now  desire  the  young  lady  to  get  settled  in  her  own 
house  and  off  their  hands  as  soon  as  possible.  The  servant 
insisted,  whereupon  the  mother  remarked,  We  will  call  the 
damsel  and  inquire  at  her  mouth.”  They  called  Rebekah  and 
asked,  Wilt  thou  go  with  this  man?  ” 

It  is  related  of  a damsel  in  Pike  county,  Missouri,  who  was 
being  wedded  to  the . man  whose  choice  she 'was,  when  the 
minister  officiating  asked  the  usual  question,  Wilt  thou  have 
this  man  to  be  thy  wedded  husband  ? ” that  dropping  her  long 
eyelashes,  she  promptly  answered,  “ You  bet ! ” Even  so 
with  Rebekah/  She  neither  fainted,  simpered,  or  blushed. 
She  did  not  say  that  she  hadn’t  a thing  fit  to  put  on  — that 
her  clothes  weren’t  home  from  the  dressmakers.  No  ! Using 


670 


FEMININE  THOUGHT. 


the  Hebrew  equivalent  for  “ you  bet ! — for  Rebekah  was  a 
smart  girl,  and  young  as  she  was,  had  learned  to  speak  Hebrew 
— when  the  question  was  put  to  her,  ‘‘  Wilt  thoil  go  with  this 
man  ? ’’  she  answered,  “ I will,’’  — and  she  went.  1 don’t  know 
that  this  proves  anything,  unless  it  be  that  women  of  that  day 
took  as  great  risks  for  husbands  as  they  do  now.  Miss  Re- 
bekah had  scarcely  been  introduced  to  her  future  husband. 
It  might  be  interesting  to  trace  the  history  of  this  woman, 
but  I have  hardly  the  time.  I will  say,  however,  that  she  was 
a mistress  of  duplicity.  To  get  the  blessing  of  her  husband 
for  her  pet  son  Jacob,  she  put  false  hair  upon  him  to  deceive 
the  old  gentleman,  and  did  it.  From  that  day  to  this,  women 
in  every  place  but  this,  have  deceived  men,  young  as  well  as 
old,  with  false  hair. 

The  feminine  habit  of  thought  is  not  such  as  to  entitle  them 
to  privileges  beyond  those  they  now  enjoy.  No  woman  was 
ever  a drayman ; no  woman  ever  carried  a hod  ] no  woman 
ever  drove  horses  on  the  canals  of  the  country ; and  what  is 
more  to  the  point,  no  woman  ever  shovelled  a single  wheel- 
barrow of  earth  on  the  public  works.  I triumphantly  ask,  Did 
any  woman  assist  in  preparing  the  road  bed  of  the  Pacific 
Railway?  did  any  woman  drive  a spike  in  that  magnificent 
structure  ? No  woman  is  employed  in  the  forging  depart- 
ment of  any  shop  in  which  is  made  the  locomotives  that  climb 
the  Sierra  Nevada,  whose  headdights  beam  on  the  valleys  of 
the  Pacific  coast  — the  suns  of  our  commercial  system. 

Just  as  I had  this  arranged  in  my  mind,  this  disturbing 
female,  of  whom  I have  spoken  once  or  twice,  asked  me 
whether  carrying  hods,  driving  horses  on  canals,  or  shovelling 
dirt  on  railways,  had  been,  in  the  past,  considered  the  best 
training  for  intelligent  participation  in  political  privileges? 
She  remarked,  that  judging  from  the  character  of  most  of  the 
legislation  of  which  she  had  knowledge,  these  had  been  the 
schools  in  which  Legislators  had  been  trained,  but  she  hardly 
believed  that  I would  acknowledge  it.  Make  these  the 
qualifications,”  said  she,  and  where  would  you  be,  my  friend, 
who  have  neither  driven  a spike,  driven  a horse,  or  shovelled 
dirt?  It  would  cut  out  all  of  my  class  (she  was  a teacher)  — 
indeed  I know  of  but  two  women  in  America  who  would  be 


FEMALE  DISABILITIES. 


671 


admitted.  The  two  women  I refer  to  fought  a prize  tight  in 
Connecticut  recently,  observing  all  the  rules  of  the  Englisli  ring, 
and  they  displayed  as  much  gameness  as  was  ever  shown  by 
that  muscular  lawmaker,  the  Hon.  John  Morrissey.  These  wo- 
men ought  to  vote,  and  if,  in  the  good  time  coming,  women  dis- 
tribute honors  as  men  have  done,  they  may  go  to  Congress.’’ 

I answered,  that  these  classes  had  always  voted,  and  there- 
fore it  was  right  that  they  should  always  vote. 

Certainly  they  have,”  returned  she,  and  as  I have  heard 
them  addressed  a score  of  times  as  the  embodied  virtue,  hon- 
esty, and  intelligence  of  the  country,  I have  come  to  the  con- 
clusion tiiat  there  must  be  something  in  the  labor  they  do 
which  fits  them  peculiarly  for  the  duties  of  law-making.” 

My  friend  is  learned.  She  has  a tolerable  knowledge  of 
Greek,  is  an  excellent  Latin  scholar,  and  as  she  has  read  the 
Constitution  of  the  United  States,  she  excels  in  political  lore 
the  great  majority  of  our  representatives  in  Congress.  But 
nevertheless  I protest  .against  her  voting  for  several  reasons. 

1.  She  cannot  sing  bass  ! Her  voice,  as  Dr.  Bushnell  justly 
observes  in  his  blessed  book,  is  pitched  higher  than  the  male 
voice,  which  indicates  feminine  weakness  of  mind. 

2.  Her  form  is  graceful  rather  than  strong. 

3.  She  delights  in  millinery  goods. 

4.  She  can’t  grow  whiskers. 

In  all  of  these  points  nature  has  made  a distinction  between 
the  sexes  which  cannot  be  overlooked. 

To  all  of  these  she  plead  guilty.  She  confessed  that  she  had 
not  the  strength  necessary  to  the  splitting  of  rails ; she  con- 
fessed that  she  could  neither  grow  a beard  or  sing  bass.  She 
wished  she  could  grow  a beard,  as  she  knew  so  many  men 
whose  only  title  to  intellect  was  their  whiskers.  But  she  said 
she  took  courage  when  she  observed  that  the  same  disparity 
was  noticeable  in  men.  Within  the  range  of  her  acquaintance 
she  knew  men  who  had  struggled  with  mustaches  with  a per- 
severance worthy  of  a better  cause,  and  whose  existence  had 
been  blighted  by  the  consciousness  that  they  could  not.  Life 
was  to  them,  in  consequence,  a failure.  Others  she  knew  who 
had  no  more  strength  than  a girl,  and  others  whose  voices 
were  pitched  in  a childish  treble.  If  beards,  heavy  voices, 


672 


THE  woman’s  PEOPOSITION. 


and  physical  strength  were  the  qualifications  for  the  ballot,  she 
would  at  once  betake  herself  to  razors,  hair  invigorators,  and 
gymnasiums.  She  went  on  thus  : — 

“ In  many  respects,”  she  said,  the  sexes  are  alike.  Both 
are  encumbered  with  stomachs  ;and  heads,  and  both  have  bodies 
to  clothe.  So  far  as  physical  existence  is  concerned  they  are 
very  like.  Both  are  affected  by  laws  made  and  enacted,  and 
both  are  popularly  supposed  to  have  minds  capable  of  weigh- 
ing the  effect  of  laws.  How,  thrust  into  the  world  as  I am, 
with  a stomach  to  fill  and  limbs  to  clothe,  with  both  hands 
tied,  am  I to  live,  to  say  nothing  of  fulfilling  any  other  end?” 

“ Woman,”  I replied,  is  man’s  angel.” 

Stuff  and  nonsense,”  was  her  impolite  reply.  I am  no 
angel.  I am  a woman.  Angels,  according  to  our  idea  of 
angels,  have  no  use  for  clothing.  Either  their  wings  are 
enough  to  cover  their  bodies,  or  they  are  so  constituted  as 
not  to  be  affected  by  heat  or  cold.  Neither  do  they  require 
food.  I cannot  imagine  a feminine  angel  with  hoop  skirts, 
Grecian  bend,  gaiters  and  bonnet;  or  a masculine  angel  in 
tight  pantaloons,  with  a cane  and  silk  hat.  Angels  do  not 
cook  dinners,  but  women  do.  Why  do  you  say  angels  to  us  ? 
It  creates  angel  tastes,  without  the  possibility  of  their  ever 
satisfying  those  tastes.  The  bird  was  made  to  soar  in  the 
upper  air,  and  was  therefore  provided  with  hollow  bones, 
wings,  &c.  Imagine  an  elephant  or  a rhinoceros  possessed 
with  a longing  to  soar  into  the  infinite  ethereal.  Could  an 
elephant,  with  his  physical  structure,  be  possessed  with  such 
a longing,  the  elephant  would  be  miserable,  because  he  could 
not.  He  would  be  as  miserable  as  James  Fisk,  Jr.,  is,  with  an 
ungobbled  railroad  ; as  Bonner  would  be  if  Dexter  were  the 
property  of  another  man  ; and  as  Salmon  P.  Chase  is  with  the 
Presidency  before  him.  It  would  be  well  enough  to  make 
angels  of  us,  if  you  could  keep  us  in  a semi-angelic  state  ; but 
the  few  thus  kept  only  make  the  misery  of  those  not  so 
fortunate  the  more  intense.  No ; treat  us  rather  as  human 
beings,  with  all  the  appetites,  wants,  and  necessities  of  human 
beings,  for  we  are  forced  to  provide  for  those  wants,  necessi- 
ties and  appetites.” 

I acknowledge  the  correctness  of  her  position.  They  must 


THE  man’s  answer. 


673 


live ; not  that  they  are  of  very  much  account  in  and  of  them- 
selves, but  that  the  nobler  sex  may  be  perpetuated  to  bless 
and  adorn  the  earth.  Without  woman  it  would  take  less  than 
a century  to  wind  up  man,  and  then  what  would  the  world 
do  ? This  difficulty  is  obviated  by  marriage.  All  that  we  have 
to  do  is  to  marry  each  man  to  one  woman,  and  demand  of  each 
man  that  he  care  for  and  cherish  one  woman,  and  the  difficulty 
is  got  along  with.  And  got  along  with  too,  leaving  things  as 
we  desire  them,  namely,  with  the  woman  dependent  upon  the 
man.  We  proceed  upon  the  proposition  that  there  are  just  as 
many  men  as  there  are  women  in  the  world  ; that  all  men  will 
do  their  duty  in  this  particular,  and  at  the  right  time  ; that 
every  Jack  will  get  precisely  the  right  Jill,  and  that  every  Jill 
will  be  not  only  willing,  but  anxious,  to  take  the  Jack  the  Lord 
sends  her,  asking  no  questions. 

If  there  be  one  woman  more  than  there  are  men,  it’s  bad 
for  that  woman.  I don’t  know  what  she  can  do,  unless  she 
makes  shirts  for  the  odd  man,  at  twelve  and  a half  cents  each, 
and  lives  gorgeously  on  the  proceeds  of  her  toil.  If  one  man 
concludes  that  he  won’t  marry  at  all,  it’s  bad  for  another 
woman,  unless  some  man’s  wife  dies  and  he  marries  again. 
That  might  equalize  it,  but  for  two  reasons : It  compels  the 
woman  to  wait  for  a husband  till  she  possibly  concludes  it  isn’t 
worth  while  ; and  furthermore,  husbands  die  as  fast  as  wives, 
which  brings  a new  element  into  the  field  — widows  ; and  pray 
what  chance  has  an  inexperienced  man  against  a widow  deter- 
mined upon  a second  husband  ? 

I admit,  that  if  there  were  as  many  men  as  women,  and  if 
they  should  all  marry,  and  the  matter  be  all  properly  fixed  up 
at  the  start,  that  our  present  sj^stem  is  still  bad  for  some  of 
them.  She,  whose  husband  gets  to  inventing  flying  machines, 
or  running  for  office,  or  an.y  of  those  foolish  or  discreditable 
employments,  would  be  in  a bad  situation.  Or;  when  the  hus- 
band neglects  his  duty,  and  refuses  to  care  for  his  wife  at  all ; 
or,  to  state  a case  which  no  one  ever  witnessed,  suppose  one 
not  only  refuses  to  care  for  his  wife,  but  refuses  to  care  for 
himself!  Or,  suppose  he  contracts  the  injudicious  habit  of 
returning  to  his  home  at  night  in  a state  of  inebriation,  and  of 
breaking  chairs,  and  crockery,  and  his  wife’s  head,  and  other 
43 


674 


EVERY  WOMAN  SHOULD  MARRY. 


trifles  — in  such  a case  I must  admit  that  her  position  would 
be,  to  say  the  least,  unpleasant,  particularly  as  she  couldn’t 
help  herself.  She  can’t  very  well  take  care  of  herself ; for  to 
make  woman  purely  a domestic  creature,  to  ornament  onr 
homes,  we  have  never  permitted  them  to  think  for  themselves, 
act  for  themselves,  or  do  for  themselves.  We  insist  upon  her 
being  a tender  ivy  clinging  to  the  rugged  oak  — if  the  oak 
she  clings  to  happens  to  be  bass-wood,  and  rotten  at  that,  it’s 
not  our  fault.  In  these  cases  it’s  her  duty  to  keep  on  cling- 
ing, and  to  finally  go  down  with  it  in  pious  resignation.  The 
fault  is  in  the  system,  and  as  those  who*  made  the  system  are 
dead,  and  as  six  thousand  brief  summers  have  passed  over 
their  tombs,  it  would  be  sacrilege  in  us  to  disturb  it.  Cus- 
toms, like  cheese,  grow  mitey  as  they  grow  old. 

Let  every  woman  marry,  and  marry  as  soon  as  possible. 
Then  she  is  provided  for.  Then  the  ivy  has  her  oak.  Then  if 
her  husband  is  a good  man,  a kind  man,  an  honest  man,  a sober 
man,  a truthful  man,  a liberal  man,  an  industrious  man,  a manag- 
ing man,  and  if  he  has  a good  business  and  drives  it,  and  meets 
with  no  misfortunes,  and  never  yields  to  temptations,  why,  then, 
the  maid  promoted  to  be  his  wife,  will  be  tolerably  certain  to, 
at  least,  have  all  that  she  can  eat,  and  all  that  she  can  wear, 
as  long  as  he  continues  so. 

This  disturbing  woman  of  whom  I have  spoken  once  or 
twice,  remarked  that  she  did  not  care  for  those  who  were 
married  happily,  but  she  wanted  something  done  for  those  who 
were  not  married  at  all,  and  those  who  were  married  unfortu- 
nately. She  liked  the  ivy  and  the  oak-tree  idea,  but  she 
wanted  the  ivy  — woman  — to  have  a stiffening  of  intelligence 
and  opportunity,  that  she  might  stand  alone  in  case  the  oak 
was  not  competent  to  sustain  it.  She  demanded,  in  short,  em- 
ployment at  anything  she  was  capable  of  doing,  and  pay  pre- 
cisely the  sande  that  men  receive  for  the  same  labor,  provided 
she  does  it  as  well. 

This  is  a clear  flying  in  the  face  of  Providence.  It  is  utterly 
impossible  that  any  woman  can  do  any  work  as  well  as  men. 
Nature  decreed  it  otherwise.  Nature  did  not  give  them  the 
strength.  Ask  the  clerks  at  Washington,  whose  muscular 
frames,  whose  hardened  sinews,  are  employed  at  from  twelve 


THE  QUESTION  OF  WAR. 


675 


hundred  to  three  thousand  dollars  per  annum,  in  the  arduous 
and  exhausting  labor  of  writing  in  books,  and  counting  money, 
and  cutting  out  extracts  from  newspapers,  and  indorsing  pa- 
pers and  filing  them,  what  they  think  of  that?  Ask  the 
brawny  young  men  whose  manly  forms  are  wasted  away  in  the 
wearing  occupation  of  measuring  tape  and  exhibiting  silks, 
what  they  think  of  it  ? Are  women,  frail  as  they  are,  to  fill 
positions  in  the  government  offices?  I asked  her  sternly, 
“ Are  you  willing  to  go  to  war?  Did  you  shoulder  a musket 
in  the  late  unpleasantness?’^ 

This  did  not  settle  her.  She  merely  asked  me  if  I carried 
a musket  in  the  late  war.  Certainly  I did  not.  I had  too 
much  presence  of  mind  to  volunteer.  Nor  did  the  majority 
of  those  holding  official  position.  Like  Job’s  charger,  they 
snuffed  the  battle  afar  off  — some  hundreds  of  miles  — and 
slew  the  haughty  Southron  on  the  stump,  or  by  substitute. 
But  there  is  this  difference : we  could  have  gone,  while  women 
could  not.  And  it  is  better  that  it  is  so.  In  the  event  of  an- 
other bloody  war,  — one  so  desperate  as  to  require  all  the  pat- 
riotism of  the  country  to  show  itself,  — I do  not  want  my  wife 
to  go  to  the  tented  field,  even  though  she  have  the  requisite 
physical  strength.  No,  indeed ! I want  her  to  stay  at  home 
— with  me  ! 

In  the  matter  of  wages,  I do  not  see  how  it  is  to  be  helped. 
The  woman  who  teaches  a school,  receives,  if  she  has  thor- 
oughly mastered  the  requirements  of  the  position,  say  six 
hundred  dollars  per  year,  while  a man  occupying  the  same 
position,  filling  it  with  equal  ability,  receives  twice  that 
amount,  and  possibly  three*  times.  But  what  is  this  to  me? 
As  a man  of  business,  my  duty  to  myself  is  to  get  my  children 
educated  at  the  least  possible  expense.  As  there  are  but  very 
few  things  women  are  permitted  to  do,  and  as  for  every  vacant 
place  there  are  a hundred  women  eager  for  it,  as  a matter  of 
course,  their  pay  is  brought  down  to  a very  fine  point.  As  I 
said  some  minutes  ago,  if  the  men  born  into  the  world  would 
marry  at  twenty-one,  each  a maiden  of  eighteen,  and  take  care 
of  her  properly,  and  never  get  drunk,  or  sick,  or  anything  of 
that  inconvenient  sort,  and  both  would  be  taken  at  precisely 
the  same  time  with  consumption,  yellow  fever,  cholera,  or  any 


676 


THE  QUESTION  OF  MARRIAGE. 


one  of  those  cheerful  ailments,  and  employ  the  same  physician, 
that  they  might  go  out  of  the  world  at  the  same  moment,  and 
become  angels  with  wings  and  long  white  robes,  it  would  be 
well  enough.  The  men  would  then  take  care  of  the  women, 
except  those  who  marry  milliners,  in  which  case  the  women 
take  care  of  the  men,  which  amounts  to  the  same  thing,  as  the 
one  dependent  upon  somebody  else  is  taken  care  of.  But  it 
don't  so  happen.  Men  do  not  marry  as  they  ought  at  twenty- 
one  ; they  put  it  off  to  twenty-five,  thirty,  or  forty,  and  many 
of  them  are  wicked  enough  not  to  marry  at  all;  and  of  those 
who  do  marry  there  will  always  be  a certain  per  cent,  who 
will  be  dissipated  or  worthless.  What  then?  I can’t  deny 
that  there  will  be  women  left  out  in  the  cold.  There  are  those 
who  don’t  marry,  and  those  who  cannot.  Possibly  the  number 
thus  situated  would  be  lessened  if  we  permitted  women  to 
rush  in  and  seize  men,  and  marry  them,  nolens  volens,  but  the 
superior  animal  will  not  brook  that  familiarity.  He  must  do 
the  wooing  — he  must  ask  the  woman  in  his  lordly  way.  Com- 
pelled to  wait  to  be  asked,  and  forced  to  marry  that  they  may 
have  the  wherewithal  to  eat  and  be  clothed,  very  many  of 
them  take  fearful  chances.  They  dare  not,  as  a rule,  refuse 
to  marry.  Man  must,  as  the  superior  being,  have  the  choice 
of  occupations,  and  it  is  a singular  fact  that,  superior  as  he  is 
by  virtue  of  his  strength,  he  rushes  invariably  to  the  occupa- 
tions that  least  require  strength,  and  which  woman  might  fill 
to  advantage.  They  monopolize  all  the  occupations  — the 
married  man  has  his  family  to  take  care  of — the  single  man 
has  his  back  hair  to  support ; what  is  to  become  of  these  unfor- 
tunate single  women  — maids  and  widows?  Live  they  must. 
They  have  all  the  necessities  of  life  to  supply,  and  nothing  to 
supply  them  with.  What  shall  they  do?  Why,  work  of 
course.  But  say  they,  “We  are  willing  to  work,  but  we  must 
have  wages.”  Granted.  But  how  shall  we  get  at  the  wages  — 
what  shall  be  the  standard?  I must  get  my  work  done  as 
cheaply  as  possible.  Now  if  three  women  — a widow,  we  will 
say,  with  five  children  to  support;  a girl  who  has  to  work  or 
do  worse ; and  a wife  with  an  invalid  husband  to  feed,  clothe, 
and  find  medicine  for  — if  these  three  come  to  my  door,  clam- 
oring for  the  love  of  God  for  something  to  do,  what  shall  I,  as 


677 


LABOR. 

a prudent  man,  do  in  the  matter?  There  are  immutable  laws 
governing  all  tliese  things  — the  law  of  supply  and  demand. 
Christ,  whose  mission  was.  with  the  poor,  made  other  laws,  but 
Christ  is  not  allowed  to  have  anything  to  do  with  business. 
Selfishness  is  older  than  Christ,  and  we  Conservatives  stick 
close  to  the  oldest.  What  do  I do?  Why,  as  a man  of  busi- 
ness, I naturally  ascertain  which  of  the  three  is  burdened  with 
the  most  crushing  responsibilities  and  necessities.  I ascertain 
to  a mouthful  the  amount  of  food  necessary  to  keep  each,  and 
then  the  one  who  will  do  my  work  for  the  price  nearest  star- 
vation rates  gets  it  to  do.  If  the  poor  girl  prefers  the  pit- 
tance I offer  her  to  a life  of  shame,  she  gets  it.  If  the  wife  is 
willing  to  work  her  fingers  nearer  the  bone  than  the  others, 
rather  than  abandon  her  husband,  she  gets  it;  and  speculating 
on  the  love  the  mother  bears  her  children,  I see  how  much  of 
her  life  the  widow  will  give  to  save  theirs,  and  decide  accord- 
ingly. I know  very  well  that  these  poor  creatures  cannot  saw 
wood,  wield  the  hammer,  or  roll  barrels  on  the  docks.  I know 
that  custom  bars  them  out  of  many  employments,  and  that  the 
more  manly  vocations  of  handling  ribbons,  manipulating  tele- 
graphic instruments,  &c.,  are  monopolized  by  men.  Confined 
as  they  are  to  a few  vocations,  and  there  being  so  many  hun- 
dreds of  thousands  of  men  who  will  not  each  provide  for  one, 
there  are  necessarily  ten  applicants  for  every  vacancy ; and 
there  being  more  virtue  in  the  sex  than  the  world  has  ever 
given  them  credit  for,  of  course  they  accept,  not  what  their 
labor  is  worth  to  me  and  the  world,  but  what  I and  the 
world  choose  to  give  for  it.  It  is  bad,  I grant,  but  it  is  the 
fault  of  the  system.  It  is  a misfortune,  we  think,  that  there  are 
so  many  women,  and  we  weep  over  it.  I am  willing  to  shed 
any  amount  of  tears  over  this  mistake  of  nature. 

But  women  are  themselves  to  blame  for  a great  part  of  the 
distress  they  experience.  There  is  work  for  more  of  them,  if 
they  would  only  do  it.  The  kitchens  of  the  country  are  not 
half  supplied  with  intelligent  labor,  and  therein  is  a refuge  for 
all  women  in  distress. 

I assert  that  nothing  but  foolish  pride  keeps  the  daughters 
of  insolvent  wealth  out  of  kitchens,  where  they  may  have 
happy  underground  homes  and  three  dollars  per  week,  by 


678 


THE  EXAMPLE  OF  YOUNG  MEN. 


merely  doing  six  hours  per  day  more  labor  than  hod-carriers 
average. 

This  is  what  they  would  do  were  it  not  for  pride,  which  is 
sinful.  They  should  strip  the  jewels  off  their  fingers,  the  laces 
off  their  shoulders ; they  should  make  a holocaust  of  tlieir 
music  and  drawings,  and,  accepting  the  ineyitable,  sink  with 
dignity*  to  the  washing  of  dishes,  the  scrubbing  of  floors,  and 
the  wash-tub.  This  their  brothers  do,  and  why  hayen’t  they 
their  strength  of  mind  ? Young  men  delicately  nurtured  and 
reared  in  the  lap  of  luxury,  never  refuse  the  sacrifice  when 
their  papas  fail  in  business.  They  always  throw  to  the  winds 
their  cigars ; they  abjure  canes  and  gloves,  and  mount  drays, 
and  shoulder  saw-bucks  — anything  for  an  honest  living.  1 
never  saw  one  of  these  degenerate  into  a sponge  upon  society 
rather  than  labor  with  his  hands  ! Did  you  ? I never  saw 
one  of  this  class  get  to  be-  a faro  dealer,  a billiard  marker,  a 
borrower  of  small  sums  of  money,  a lunch-fiend,  a confidence- 
man,  or  anything  of  the  sort.  Not  they  ! Giving  the  go  by 
to  everything  in  the  shape  of  luxuries,  they  invariably  descend 
to  the  lowest  grades  of  manual  labor  rather  than  degenerate 
into  vicious  and  immoral  courses.  Failing  the  kitchen,  women 
may  canvass  for  books,  though  that  occupation,  like  a few 
others  equally  profitable,  and  which  also  brings  them  into  con- 
tinual contact  with  the  lords  of  creation,  has  ec  drawback  in 
the  fact  that  some  men  leer  into  the  face  of  every  woman  who 
strives  to  do  business  for  herself,  as  though  she  were  a moral 
leper ; and  failing  all  these,  she  may  at  least  take  to  the  needle. 
At  this  last  occupation  she  is  certain  of  meeting  no  competition, 
save  from  her  own  sex.  In  all  my  experience,  and  it  has  been 
extensive,  I never  yet  saw  a man  making  pantaloons  at  twelve 
and  one  half  cents  per  pair.  But  they  will  not  all  submit. 
Refusing  to  acknowledge  the  position  in  life  nature  fixed  for 
them  they  rebel,  and  unpleasantnesses  take  place.  An  inci- 
dent which  fell  under  my  observation  recently  illustrates  this 
beautifully.  A young  lady,  named  Jane  Evans,  1 believe,  had 
sustained  the  loss  of  both  her  parents.  The  elder  Evanses 
had  been  convinced  by  typhoid  fever  that  this  was  a cold  world, 
and,  piloted  by  two  doctors,  had  sailed  out  in  search  of  a better 
one.  Jane  had  a brother,  a manly  lad  of  twenty,  who,  rather 


A BIT  OF  EXPERIENCE. 


679 


tlian  disgrace  the  ancient  lineage  of  the  Evanses  by  manual 
labor,  took  up  the  profession  of  bar-tender.  Jane  was  less 
proud,  and  as  her  brother  did  nothing  for  her,  she  purchased 
some  needles,  and  renting  a room  in  the  uppermost  part  of  a 
building  in  a secluded  part  of  the  city  of  New  York,  com- 
menced a playful  effort  to  live  by  making  shirts  at  eighteen 
cents  each,  for  a gentleman  named  Isaacs.  She  was  situated, 
I need  not  say,  pleasantly  for  one  of  her  class.  Her  room  was 
not  large,  it  is  true,  but  as  she  had  no  cooking-stove  or  bed- 
stead, what  did  she  want  of  a large  room?  She  had  a win- 
dow which  didn’t  open,  but  as  there  was  no  glass  in  it,  she  had 
no  occasion  to  open  it.  This  building  commanded  a beautiful 
view  of  the  back  parts  of  other  buildings  similar  in  appear- 
ance, and  the  sash  kept  out  a portion  of  the  smell.  Had  that 
sash  not  been  in  that  window-frame,  I do  not  suppose  that  she 
could  have  staid  on  account  of  the  smell ; at  least  I heard 
her  say  that  she  got  just  as  much  of  it  as  she  could  endure. 
And  in  this  delightful  retreat  she  sat  and  sat,  and  sewed  and 
sewed.  Sometimes  in  her  zeal  she  would  sew  till  late  in  the 
night,  and  she  always  was  at  her  work  very  early  in  the  morn- 
ing. She  paid  rent  promptly,  for  the  genial  old  gentleman  of 
whom  she  leased  her  room  had  a sportive  habit  of  kicking 
girls  into  the  street  who  did  not  pay  promptly,  and  she  man- 
aged every  now  and  then,  did  this  economical  girl,  to  purchase 
a loaf  of  bread,  which  she  ate. 

One  Saturday  night  she  took  her  bundle  of  work  to  the  de- 
lightful Mr.  Isaacs.  Jane  had  labored  sixteen  hours  per  day 
on  them,  and  she  had  determined,  as  Sunday  was  close  at 
hand,  to  have  for  her  breakfast,  in  addition  to  her  bread,  a 
small  piece  of  mutton.  Mutton  ! Luxurious  living  destroyed 
ancient  Rome  ! But  Mr.  Isaacs  found  fault  with  the  making 
of  these  shirts.  They  were  not  properly  sewed,  he  said,  and 
he  could  not  in  consequence  pay  her  the  eighteen  cents  each 
for  making,  which  was  the  regular  price.  Jane  then  injudi- 
ciously cried  about  it.  Now,  Mr.  Isaacs  was,  and  is,  possessed 
of  a tender  heart.  He  has  a great  regard  for  his  feelings,  and 
as  he  could  not  bear  to  see  a woman  cry,  he  forthwith  kicked 
her  out  of  his  store  into  the  snow. 

What  did  this  wicked  girl  do?  Did  she  go  back  and  ask 


680 


EXPERIENCE  CONTINUED. 


pardon  of  the  good,  kind,  tender-hearted  Mr.  Isaacs?  Not 
she  ! On  the  contrary  she  clenched  her  hands,  and  passing  by 
a baker^s  shop,  stole  a loaf  of  bread,  and,  brazen  thing  that  she 
was,  in  pure  bravado,  she  ate  it  in  front  of  the  shop.  She  said 
she  was  hungry,  when  it  was  subsequently  proven  that  she 
had  eaten  within  forty  hours.  Justice  was  swift  upon  the 
heels  of  the  desperate  wretch  — it  always  is,  by  the  way,  close 
behind  the  friendless.  She  was  arrested  by  a policeman,  who 
was  opportunely  there,  as  there  was  a riot  in  progress  in  the 
next  street  at  the  time,  which  was  providential,  for  had  there 
been  no  riot  in  the  next  street,  the  policeman  would  have  been 
in  that  street,  and  Jane  Evans  might  have  got  away  with  her 
plunder.  She  was  conveyed  to  the  city  prison ; was  herded 
in  a cell  in  which  were  other  women  who  had  progressed  far- 
ther than  she  had:  was  afterwards  arraigned  for  petty  larceny, 
and  sent  to  prison  for  sixty  days.  Now  see  how  surely  evil- 
doers come  to  bad  ends.  The  wretched  Jane,  — this  fearfully 
depraved  Jane,  — unable  after  such  a manifestation  of  deprav- 
ity to  hold  up  her  head,  fell  into  bad  ways.  Remorse  for  the 
stealing  of  that  loaf  of  bread  so  preyed  upon  her  that  she 
wandered  about  the  streets  of  the  city  five  days,  asking  for 
work,  and  finally  threw  herself  off  a wharf.  0,  how  her 
brother,  the  bar-tender,  was  shocked  at  this  act ! Had  she  con- 
tinued working  cheerily  for  Mr.  Isaacs,  accepting  the  situation 
like  a Christian,  taking  life,  as  she  found  it,  would  she  have 
thrown  herself  off  a dock?  Never!  So  you  see  women  who 
do  not  want  to  steal  bread,  and  be  arrested,  and  go  off  wharves, 
must  take  Mr.  Isaacs’  pay  as  he  offers  it,  and  must  work 
cheerily  sixteen  hours  a day,  whether  they  get  anything  to 
eat  or  not.  Had  this  wretched  girl  gone  back  contentedly  to 
her  room,  and  starved  to  death  cheeriPully,  she  would  not  have 
stolen  bread,  she  would  not  have  lacerated  the  feelings  of  her 
brother  the  bar-tender,  and  would  have  saved  the  city  of  New 
York  the  expense  and  trouble  of  fishing  her  out  of  the  dock. 
Such  women  always  make  trouble. 

The  women  who  fancy  they  are  oppressed,  demand,  first, 
the  ballot,  that  they  may  have  power  to  better  themselves; 
and,  second,  the  change  of  custom  and  education,  that  they 
may  have  free  access  to  whatever  employment  they  have 


A PONDEROUS  PROTEST. 


G81 


the  strength  and  capacity  to  fill,  and  to  which  their  inclination 
leads  them. 

Most  emphatically  I object  to  the  giving  of  them  the  ballot. 
It  would  overturn  the  whole  social  fabric.  The  social  fabric 
has  been  overturned  a great  many  times,  it  is  true  — so  many 
times,  indeed,  that  it  seems  rather  to  like  it ; but  1 doubt 
whether  it  would  be  strong  enough  to  endure  this.  I have 
too  great,  too  high,  too  exalted  an  opinion  of  woman.  1 insist 
that  she  shall  not  dabble  in  the  dirty  pool  of  politics ; that 
she  shall  keep  herself  sacred  to  her  family,  whether  she  has 
one  or  not ; and  under  no  consideration  shall  she  go  beyond  the 
domestic  circle  of  which  she  is  the  centre  and  ornament. 
There  are  those  who  have  an  insane  yearning  to  do  something 
beyond  the  drudgery  necessary  to  supply  the  commonest  wants 
of  life,  and  others  who  have  all  of  these,  who  would  like  to 
round  up  their  lives  with  something  beyond  dress  and  the  un- 
satisfactory trifles  of  fashionable  life.  There  may  be  women 
turning  night  into  day  over  the  needle,  for  bread  that  keeps 
them  just  this  side  of  potter’s  field,  who  are  unreasonable 
enough  to  repine  at  the  system  that  compels  them  to  this ; and 
they  may,  possibly,  in  secret  wish  that  they  had  the  power  in 
their  hands  that  would  make  men  court  their  influence,  as  the 
hod-carrier’s  is  courted,  for  the  vote  he  casts.  The  seamstress, 
toiling  for  a pittance  that  would  starve  a dog,  no  doubt  prays 
for  the  power  that  would  compel  lawmakers  to  be  as  careful  of 
her  interests  as  they  are  of  the  interests  of  the  well-paid  male 
laborers  in  the  dock-yards,  who,  finding  ten  hours  a day  too 
much  for  them,  were  permitted  by  act  of  Congress  to  draw 
ten  hours’  pay  for  eight  hours’  work.  The  starved  colorer  of 
lithographs,  the  pale,  emaciated  tailoress,  balancing  death  and 
virtue  ; drawing  stitches  with  the  picture  of  the  luxurious 
brothel  held  up  by  the  devil  before  her,  where  there  is  light, 
and  warmth,  and  food,  and  clothing,  and  where  death  is,  at 
least,  farther  off;  no  doubt  this  girl  wishes  at  times  that  she 
could  have  that  potent  bit  of  paper  between  her  fingers  that 
would  compel  blatant  demagogues  to  talk  of  the  rights  of 
workingwomen  as  well  as  of  workingmen. 

But  woman  would  lose  lier  self-respect  if  she  mixed  witli 
politicians.  Most  men  do  ; and  how  could  woman  hope  to 


682 


DR.  BUSHNELL’s  reasons. 


escape.  Think  you  that  any  pure  woman  could  be  a member 
of  the  New  York,  New  Jersey,  or  Pennsylvania  legislatures,  and 
remain  pure  ? For  the  sake  of  the  generations  to  come,  I desire 
that  one  sex,  at  least,  shall  remain  uncontaminated.  Imagine 
your  wife  or  your  sister  accepting  a bribe  from  a lobby  member  ! 
Imagine  your  wife  or  your  sister  working  a corrupt  measure 
through  the  legislature,  and  becoming  gloriously  elevated 
upon  champaign  in  exultation  over  the  result ! No  ! I insist 
that  these  things  shall  be  confined  to  man,  and  man  alone. 

The  mixing  of  women  in  politics,  as  all  the  writers  on  the 
subject  have  justly  remarked,  would  lower  the  character  of 
the  woman  without  elevating  that  of  the  man.  Imagine,  0, 
my  hearers,  a woman  aspiring  for-office,  as  men  do  ! Imagine 
her  button-holing  voters,  as  men  do  ! Imagine  her  lying  gliby 
and  without  scruple,  as  men  do  ! Imagine  her  drinking  with 
the  lower  classes,  as  men  do  ! of  succeeding  by  the  grossest 
fraud,  as  men  do  ! of  stealing  public  money  when  elected,  as 
men  do  ! and  finally  of  sinking  into  the  lowest  habits,  the  vilest 
practices,  as  Dr.  Bushnell,  in  several  places  in  his  blessed  book 
on  the  subject,  asserts  that  men  do  ! You  see  that  to  make 
the  argument  good,  that  women  would  immediately  fall  to  a 
very  deep  depth  of  degradation  the  moment  they  vote,  we 
must  show  that  the  act  of  voting  compels  men  to  this  evil ; at 
least  that  is  what  Dr.  Bushnell  proves,  if  he  proves  anything. 
We  must  show  that  the  holding  of  an  office  by  man  is  proof 
positive  that  he  has  committed  crime  enough  to  entitle  him  to 
a cell  in  a penitentiary,  and  that  he  who  votes  is  in  a fair  way 
thereto.  Before  reading  the  doctor’s  book,  I was  weak  enough 
to  suppose  that  there  were  in  the  United  States  some  hun- 
dreds of  thousands  of  very  excellent  men,  whose  long  service 
in  church  and  state  was  sufficient  guarantee  of  their  excellence  ; 
whose  characters  were  above  suspicion,  and  who  had  lived, 
and  would  die,  honest,  reputable  citizens.  But  as  all  male 
citizens  above  the  age  of  twenty-one  vote,  and  as  voting  neces- 
sarily produces  these  results,  why,  then  we  are  all  drunkards, 
tricksters,  thieves,  and  plunderers.  This  disturbing  wmman,  to 
whom  I read  Dr.  Bushnelfs  book,  remarked  that  if  voting 
tended  to  so  demoralize  men,  and  as  they  had  always  voted,  it 
would  be  well  enough  for  all  the  women  to  vote  just  once, 


PEACE. 


G83 


that  they  might  all  go  to  perdition  together.  I am  compelled 
to  the  opinion  that  the  doctor  is  mistaken.  I know  of  quite  a 
number  of  m.en  who  go  to  the  polls  unmolested,  who  vote  their 
principles  quietly,  and  go  home  the  better  for  having  exercised 
the  right.  I believe  that,  before  and  since  Johnson’s  adminis- 
tration, there  have  been  honest  men  in  office.  But  no  wo- 
man could  do  these  things  in  this  way.  It  would  unsex  her, 
just  as  it  does  when  a woman  labors  for  herself  alone. 

Again.  I object  to  giving  the  ballot  to  woman,  because  we 
want  peace.  We  don’t  Avant  divided  opinion  in  our  families. 
As  it  is,  Ave  must  have  a most  delightful  unanimity.  An 
individyal  cannot  possibly  quarrel  Avith  himself  As  it  is 
noAv  arranged,  man  and  Avife  are  one,  and  the  man  is  that  one. 
In  all  matters  outside  the  house  the  Avife  has  no  voice,  and 
consequently  there  can  be  no  differences.  0,  Avhat  a blessed 
thing  it  Avould  be  if  the  same  rule  could  obtain  among  men  ! 
Had  the  Radicals  had  no  votes  or  voices,  there  Avould  have 
been  no  AA^ar,  for  the  Democracy,  having  it  all  their  oAvn  Avay, 
there  would  have  been  nothing  to  quarrel  about.  It  Avas 
opposition  that  forced  Jefferson  Davis  to  appeal  to  arms. 
True,  the  following  of  this  idea  Avould  dwarf  the  Republicans 
into  pygmies,  and  exalt  the  Democracy  into  giants.  My  mis- 
guided friend,  Wendell  Phillips,  would  shrink  into  a common- 
place man,  possibly  he  Avould  lose  all  manhood,  had  he  been 
compelled  to  agree  Avith  Franklin  Pierce  or  hold  his  tongue. 
It  would  be  bad  for  Wendell,  but  there  would  have  been  a 
calm  as  profound  as  stagnation  itself  Our  present  system 
may  be  bad  for  Avomen,  but  aa^c,  the  men,  have  our  own  Avay  — 
and  peace.  Our  Avives  and  daughters  are,  I knoAv,  driven, 
from  sheer  lack  of  something  greater,  to  take  refuge  in  dis- 
jointed gabble  of  bonnets,  cloaks,  and  dresses,  and  things  of 
that  nature,  their  souls  are  dAvarfed  as  Avell  as  their  bodies, 
their  minds  are  diluted  — but  Ave  have  peace. 

Once  more..  It  would  unbalance  society.  Starting  upon 
the  assumption  that  AA^omen  have  no  minds  of  their  OAvn,  and 
AAmuld  alAA^ays  be  controlled  by  men,  Ave  can  shoAv  wherein  the 
privilege  Avould  Avork  incalculable  mischief  Imagine  Brigham 
Young  marching  to  the  polls  at  the  bead  of  a procession  of  wives 
one  hundred  and  seventy-three  in  number,  all  of  them  Avith 


684 


WHAT  SHALL  WE  DO  WITH  IT? 


such  ballots  m their  hands  as  he  selects  for  them ! Put 
Brigham  and  his  family  in  a close  congressional  district  and 
he  would  swamp  it.  Then,  again,  if  they  should  think  for 
themselves,  and  vote  as  they  pleased,  they  would  overthrow 
Brigham.  In  either  case  the  effect  would  be  terrible. 

What  shall  we  do  with  the  woman  question?  It  is  upon  us, 
and  must  be  met.  I have  tried  for  an  hour  to  be  a conserva- 
tive, but  it  won’t  do.  Like  poor  calico,  it  won’t  wash.  There 
are  in  the  LTnited  States  some  millions  of  women  who  desire 
something  better  than  the  lives  they  and  their  mothers  have 
been  living.  There  are  millions  of  women  who  have  minds  and 
souls,  and  who  yearn  for  something  to  develop  their  minds 
and  souls.  There  are  millions  of  women  who  desire  to  have 
something  to  think  about,  to  assume  responsibilities,  that  they 
may  strengthen  their  moral  natures,  as  the  gymnast  lifts 
weights  to  strengthen  his  physical  nature.  There  are  hun- 
dreds of  thousands  of  women  who  have  suffered  in  silence 
worse  evils  by  far  than  the  slaves  of  the  South,  who,  like  the 
slaves  of  the  South,  have  no  power  to  redress  their  wrongs, 
no  voice  so  potent  that  the  public  must  hear.  In  the  parlor, 
inanity  and  frivolity ; in  the  cottage,  hopeless  servitude, 
unceasing  toil ; a dark  life,  with  a darker  ending.  This  is 
the  condition  of  woman  in  the  world  to-day.  Thousands  starv- 
ing physically  for  want  of  something  to  do,  with  a world  call- 
ing for  labor ; thousands  starving  mentally,  with  an  unex- 
plored world  before  them.  One  half  of  humanity  is  a burden 
on  the  other  half. 

I know,  0,  ye  daughters  of  luxury,  that  you  do  not  desire  a 
change.  There  is  no  need  of  it  for  you.  Your  silks  could 
not  be  more  costly,  your  jewels  could  not  flash  more  brightly, 
nor  your  surroundings  be  more  luxurious.  Your  life  is  pleas- 
ant enough.  But  I would  compel  you  to  think,  and  think- 
ing, act.  I would  put  upon  your  shoulders  responsibilities 
that  would  make  rational  beings  of  3-011.  I would  make  3^11 
useful  to  humanity  and  to  3^ourselves.  I would  give  the 
daughters  of  the  poor,  as  I have  helped  to  give  the  sons 
of  the  poor,  the  power  in  their  hands  to  right  tlieir  own 
wrongs. 

There  is  nothing  unreasonable  in  this  demand.  The  change 


WHAT  SHOULD  BE  DONE  WITH  IT. 


685 


is  not  so  great  as  those  the  world  has  endured  time  and  again 
without  damage.  To  give  the  ballot  to  the  women  of  America 
to-day,  would  not  be  so  fearful  a thing  as  it  was  ten  years  ago 
to  give  it  to  the  negro,  or  as  it  was  a hundred  years  ago  to 
give  it  to  the  people. 

I would  give  it,  and  take  the  chances.  The  theory  of 
Republicanism  is,  that  the  governing  power  must  rest  in  the 
hands  of  the  governed.  There  is  no  danger  in  truth.  If  the 
woman  is  governed,  she  has  a right  to  a voice  in  the  making 
of  laws.  To  withhold  it  is  to  dwarf  her,  and  to  dwarf  woman 
is  to  dwarf  the  race. 

I would  give  the  ballot  to  woman  for  her  own  sake,  for  I 
would  enlarge  the  borders  of  her  mind.  I would  give  it  to 
her  for  the  sake  of  humanity.  I would  make  her  of  more  use 
to  humanity  by  making  her  more  fit  to  mould  humanity.  I 
would  strengthen  her,  and  through  her  the  race.  The  ballot 
of  itself  would  be  of  direct  use  to  but  few,  but  indirectly  its 
effects  would  reach  through  all  eternity.  It  would  compel  a 
different  life.  It  would  compel  woman  to  an  interest  in  life, 
would  fit  her  to  struggle  successfully  against  its  mischances, 
and  prepare  her  for  a keener,  higher,  brighter  appreciation  of 
its  blessings.  Humanity  is  now  one-sided.  There  is  strength 
on  the  one  side  and  weakness  on  the  other.  I would  have 
both  sides  strong.  I would  have  the  two  sides  equal  in 
strength,  equally  symmetrical ; differing  only  as  nature  made 
them,  not  as  man  and  custom  have  distorted  them.  In  this 
do  we  outrage  custom  ? Why,  we  have  been  overturning 
customs  six  thousand  years,  and  there  are  yet  enough  hideous 
enormities  encumbering  the  earth  to  take  six  thousand  years 
more  to  kill.  In  the  beginning,  when  force  was  the  law,  there 
were  kings.  The  world  tired  of  kings.  There  were  false 
religions.  Jesus  of  Nazareth  overturned  them.  Luther 
wrecked  a venerable  system  when  he  struck  the  church  of 
Rome  wdth  his  iron  hand;  your  fathers  and  mine  stabbed  a 
hoary  iniquity- when  they  overturned  kingcraft  on  this  conti- 
nent, and  Lovejoy,  Garrison,  and  Phillips  struck  an  institution 
which  ages  had  sanctioned  when  they  assaulted  slavery.  The 
old  is  not  always  the  best. 

I would  have  your  daughters  fitted  to  grapple  with  life 


686 


FOR  HUMANITY. 


alone,  for  no  matter  how  yon  may  leave  them,  you  know  not 
what  fate  may  have  in  store  for  them.  I would  make  them 
none  the  less  women,  but  stronger  women,  better  women.  Let 
us  take  this  one  step  for  the  sake  of  humanity.  Let  us 
do  this  much  towards  making  humanity  what  the  Creator 
intended  it  to  be,  — like  Himself. 


“ IN  SEABCH  OF  THE  MAN  OF  SIN" 


A LECTURE 

DELIVERED  IN  MUSIC  HALL,  BOSTON,  DEC.  29,  1870. 

I DO  not  wish  to  be  considered  egotistic,  for  of  all  junior 
blemishes  in  human  nature  egotism  is  to  my  mind  the  most 
objectionable.  He  who  stands  perpetually  and  perpendicularly 
as  the  capital  letter  I,  with  an  exclamation  point  after  it  (the 
latter  calling  attention  to  the  former),  is  an  unmixed  nuisance 
to  society  at  large,  and  a particular  and  especial  nuisance  to 
all  with  whom  he  may  come  into  more  immediate  contact.  The 
honesty  that  needs  self-proclamation  will  bear  watching ; the 
man  who  blows  his  own  trumpet  generally  plays  a solo  ; and 
besides,  he  adds  falsehood  to  egotism,  for  he  seldom  has  the 
virtues  he  proclaims.  Honest  merit  is  always  retiring  and 
shrinking,  — which  explains  the  cause  of  my  being  so  little 
known. 

Yet  a man  may  at  times  properly  speak  of  himself;  and  this 
is  one  of  the  times.  That  }^ou  may  start  fairly  with  me  I must 
refer  to  myself;  but  I shall  do  it  with  that  modesty  for  which 
I — and  George  Francis  Train  — are  so  celebrated,  and  touch 
it  as  lightly,  briefly,  and  delicately  as  possible. 

I am  a most  excellent  man  — indeed,  I know  of  no  one  who 
has  more  qualities  to  be  commended,  and  fewer  to  be  con- 
demned. I commenced  being  good  at  a very  early  age,  and 
built  myself  up  on  the  best  models.  I was  yet  an  infant  when 
I read  the  affecting  story  of  the  hacking  down  of  the  cherry 
tree  by  George  Washington,  and  his  manly  statement  to  his 

G87 


688 


THE  IMITATION  OF  WASHINGTON. 


father  that  he  could  not  tell  a lie.  I read  the  story,  and  it 
filled  me  with  a desire  to  surpass  him.  I was  not  going  to 
allow  any  such  boy  as  George  Washington,  if  he  did  after- 
wards get  to  be  a President,  to  excel  me  in  the  moralities.  Imme- 
diately I seized  an  axe  and  cut  down  the  most  valuable  cherry 
tree  my  father  had ; and  more,  I dug  up  the  roots,  and  burned 
the  branches,  so  that  by  no  means  could  the  variety  be  pre- 
served; and  I went  a skating  one  Sunday,  that  I might  con- 
fess the  two  faults,  and  be  wept  over  and  forgiven  on  account 
of  my  extreme  truthfulness.  The  experiments  were,  I regret 
to  say,  partial  failures.  1 was  very  much  like  George  Wash- 
ington ; but  the  trouble  was,  my  father  didn’t  resemble  George 
Washington’s  father  to  any  alarming  extent,  which  was  essen- 
tial to  the  success  of  the  scheme. 

“Did  you  cut  down  that  cherry  tree?”  asked  he. 

“ Father,  I cannot  tell  a lie.  I did  it  with  my  little  hatchet,” 
I answered,  striking  the  proper  attitude  for  the  old  gentleman 
to  shetl  tears  on  me.  But  he  didn’t  shed.  He  remarked  that 
he  had  rather  I had  told  a thousand  lies  than  to  have  cut  down 
that  particular  tree,  and  he  whipped  me  till  I was  in  a state  of 
exasperating  rawness.  As  he  gave  me  the  last  cut,  he  re- 
marked that  the  next  time  I wanted  to  give  my  virtues  an 
airing  I had  better  select  a less  valuable  tree.  My  skating 
idea  was  no  less  a failure.  I broke  through  the  ice  that  Sun- 
day and  was  pulled  out  with  difficulty  — and  a boat-hook.  As 
I lay  sick  for  a month  with  a fever,  I didn’t  get  a chance  to 
get  off  the  Washingtonian  remark  that  time. 

In  addition  to  my  excellence  — I might  say,  absolute  per- 
fection— of  character  (I  put  it,  you  see,  as  mildly  as  possible, 
for  modesty  prevents  me  from  saying  all  that  I might  of  my- 
self) to  these  qualities  of  the  heart,  I have  wisdom  — natural 
and  acquired.  Natural  wisdom,  for  I was  born  in  Maine, 
which  is  proof  positive,  for  doth  not  the  Scriptures  say  the 
wise  men  came  from  the  East  ? (Their  leaving  the  East  was 
then,  as  now,  the  great  proof  of  their  wisdom.)  Acquired 
wisdom,  in  proof  of  which  I cite  the  fact  that  I went  to  Indi- 
ana a married  man,  and  after  a residence  of  two  years  returned 
with  the  same  wife.  I also  went  to  the  far  West,  and  came 
back  without  investing  in  a single  corner  lot.  And  that,  too, 


AN  EXCELLENT  MAN. 


689 


in  towns  where  tlie  speculative  proprietors  have  the  thing 
brought  down  to  so  fine  a point  that  they  ship  the  bodies  of 
those  who  die  in  them  to  the  East,  that  the  reputation  of  their 
embryo  cities  for  health  may  not  be  called  in  question.  I 
might  also  say  that  I am  able  to  put  those  champion  nuisances 
of  the  age,  life  insurance  agents,  to  route,  but  1 will  not,  for  you 
wouldn’t  believe  it. 

I am  a friend  of  humanity.  I weep  with  such  ease,  and  so 
continuously,  at  the  sight  of  distress,  that  I am  known  among 
my  intimate  friends  as  that  benevolent  old  hydraulic  ram.’' 
No  man  living  has  shed  more  tears  over  the  woes  of  humanity, 
and  no  man  has  collected  more  money. — of  his  neighbors  — 
to  relieve  those  woes. 

That  I am  a patriot,  I showed  by  not  volunteering  in  the  late 
war  after  I was  drafted,  but  by  sending  a substitute.  So 
much  did  I desire  the  success  of  the  national  cause,  that  I 
wanted  only  good  men  at  the  front.  The  company  that  I was 
to  have  gone  in  thought  as  I did,  as  the  resolution  they  passed, 
thanking  me  fervently  for  sending  a man,  instead  of  going  my- 
self, sufficiently  attests. 

I have  lived  for  many  years  in  an  obscure  village  in  Ver- 
mont, in  which  I am  a man  of  some  note.  It  don’t  take  much 
of  a man  to  be  of  some  note  in  a village  of  six  hundred  peo- 
ple. I have  a house  there,  in  which  I dwell  all  alone  with  my 
books  and  my  virtues  — studying  the  one  with  profit,  and  contem- 
plating the  other  with  delight.  I have  a farm  and  a stone  quarry 
there,  though  it  puzzles  visitors  to  determine  just  where  the 
farm  ends  and  the  stone  quarry  begins  ; and  though  I don’t  raise 
much,  I manage  to  eke  out  a comfortable  existence  by  selling 
one  thousand-dollar  sheep  and  Early  Rose  potatoes  to  western 
farmers,  and  acting  as  solicitor  for  a theological  seminary,  lec- 
turing on  temperance,  and  organizing  Sunday  schools,  sand- 
wiching in  between  the  two  the  selling  of  washing-machines. 

I was  entirely  satisfied  that  I was  devoid  of  sin,  and  be- 
lieved (not  going  out  much)  that  there  was  none  to  speak  of 
in  my  neighbors.  But  I was  aware  that  outside  of  our  little 
world  wickedness  had  a vigorous  existence  and  was  rampant. 
“There  are,”  I said  to  myself,  “ 1,000,000,000  of  people  in  the 
world,  my  village  included,  of  whom  999,999,400  are  morally 
44  * 


690 


THE  BEGINNING  OF  THE  SEARCH. 


bound  to  share  the  fate  of  the  wicked ; five  hundred  and  nine- 
ty-nine may  possibly  get  through  by  a close  shave,  and  one 
will  be  certain  of  a blissful  future.  I had  no  doubt  of  the  trium- 
phant escape  of  one  from  all  the  evils  which  follow  wicked- 
ness, nor  need  I say  that  that  one,  that  perfectly  pure  man 
— was  myself! 

But  the  existence  of  sin,  even  at  a distance,  worried  me. 
I desired  to  have  the  whole  world  as  pure,  as  good,  at  least,  as 
my  neighbors  ; nay,  I would,  were  such  a thing  possible,  have 
the  whole  world  as  pure  and  as  good  as  myself,  though  I dared 
not  to  hope  for  so  much. 

I determined  to  reform  the  world,  or  at  least  do  something 
towards  it.  Knowledge  of  what  one  is  to  do  is  essential  to 
success,  and  that  I might  get  that  knowledge  I deliberately 
left  my  home  and  wandered  out  in  search  of  the  man  of  sin. 

Where  should  I go?  To  the  islands  of  the  sea,  where  the 
rude  islanders  disport  themselves  on  the  burning  sands,  in 
wretched  ignorance  of  pantaloons,  and  the  cheerful  fact  that 
there  is  a lake  of  fire  and  brimstone  in  which  they  will  event- 
ually be  plunged?  No!  The  missionaries  convey  to  them 
the  catechism,  and  teach  them  to  make  themselves  uncomfort- 
able in  pantaloons;  the  merchant  follows  quickly  with  that 
other  civilizing  agent,  rum,  which  to  their  untutored  stomachs 
is  lightning,  and  those  not  converted  by  the  one  are  killed  by 
the  other.  The  islanders  are  provided  for.  To  Rome  ? To 
Paris?  To  Boston?  To  the  Indians  of  the  West?  No!  The 
Italians  don’t  know  any  better,  so  they  are  not  responsible  ; 
the  Parisians  may  plead  temptations  too  great  to  be  resisted, 
for  they  have  the  plucking  of  all  the  rich  idiots  in  the  world. 
I asked  a Boston  man,  and  he  indignantly  denied  that  there 
had  been  any  sin  in  Boston  since  Fulton’s  time ; and,  as  the 
Indians  of  the  West  generally  confine  their  tonsorial  operations 
to  government  agents,  their  love  of  murder  becomes  a virtue. 

I went  to  none  of  these.  He  who  goes  in  search  of  sin 
purchases  a ticket  for  New  York  — that  is,  if  he  desires  to  see 
the  article  in  all  its  native  fierceness.  Some  one  said  to  me 
that  New  York  was  the  place  to  find  original  sin ; but  I do  not 
so  believe.  I found  there  none  but  the  improved  article. 

When  boys  of  experience  go  swimming,  they  plunge  into  the 


THE  FIRST  VENTURE. 


691 


water  all  over,  that  they  may  take  the  shock  at  once  and  be 
done  with  it.  With  the  same  idea,  I wanted  to  see  first  the 
hugest  and  largest  specimen  of  wickedness  I could  find  — the 
Ichthyosaurus  of  iniquity  — before  taking  the  whales,  the  por- 
poises, and  the  smaller  fry. 

Show  me  the  largest  thing  you  have  in  wickedness,”  said 
I to  my  friend,  who  immediately  tossed  up  a copper  to  deter- 
mine whether  he  should  introduce  me  to  a Wall  Street  gold 
speculator,  a railroad  manager,  a ward  politician,  or  a burglar. 
It  was,  he  said,  an  even  thing  between  them.  The  railroad 
manager  was  indicated  by  the  fall  of  coin,  and  I was  intro- 
duced to  one.  I found  him  at  ten  in  the  morning  managing  a 
road  to  which  he  had  not  the  ghost  of  a title ; at  eleven,  lunch- 
ing with  the  ballet  girls  and  their  hangers  on,  who  found  em- 
ployment at  his  theatre,  which,  by  the  way,  was  purchased 
with  money  earned  by  the  railroad  Avhich  the  stockholders  did 
not  get;  at  twelve,  remorselessly  ruining  a score  of  brokers 
who  trusted  his  word  ; in  the  afternoon,  dining  with  his  corps 
of  ballet  girls,  and  his  own  professional  bullies  ; and  going  to 
his  bed  in  the  morning,  not  for  sleep,  but  for  the  quiet  it  af- 
forded him,  to  devise  new  and  more  startling  rascalities.  This 
man  was  a rascal  born.  He  was  possessed  of  not  a particle  of 
principle;  there  wasn’t  about  him  the  slightest  odor  of  hon- 
esty— he -would  have  said  taint  ” in  place  of  odor;  he  was 
rotten  from  top  to  bottom,  and  all  through.  He  wallowed  in 
infamjq  not  from  any  necessity,  but  because  he  preferred  and 
liked  it.  He  owned  courts  of  justice,  and  controlled  them;  he 
had  judges  in  his  hands  and  sheriffs  at  his  beck,  and  with 
these  as  his  instruments  he  committed  outrages,  the  lightest 
of  which,  in  a decently  governed  community,  would  have  con- 
signed him  to  a cell  in  a penitentiary,  and  on  the  frontier  would 
have  made  him  ornament  a limb  of  a tree.  Yet  this  man 
was,  and  is,  courted,  and  flattered,  and  feasted  ; statesmen  sit 
at  his  table ; judges  lunch  with  him,  and  New  York  feels  hon- 
ored by  his  being  a citizen. 

I visited  Vanderbilt,  and  inspected  the  leaky  steamers  he  sent 
to  California,  and  from  which,  passage  always  being  exacted 
in  advance,  he  made  so  much  money.  I gazed  with  wonder 
at  a brass  sttitue  of  himself  he  erected  over  t^e  Harlem  depot. 


692 


THE  MEN  OF  SIN  IN  NEW  YORK. 


I should  have  been  pleased  with  the  statue,  and  thanked  the 
Lord  for  it,  had  it  been  the  work  of  his  administrators. 

I interviewed  James  Gordon  Bennett,  and  spent  two  days 
in  Wall  Street.  Determined  to  know  by  actual  experiment 
how  far  brazen-faced  imposition,  deliberate  insolence,  and 
swindling  could  go,  I took  rooms  at  a first-class  hotel,  where 
the  clerks  wear  diamond  pins,  and  wdiere,  if  you  address  them 
as  “ clerk, you  will  get  no  answer,  as  they  insist  upon  being 
recognized,  not  as  clerks,”  but  as  gentlemen  connected 
with  the  hotel.”  That  I might  know  how  deep  politicians 
dive,  I attended  a Democratic  caucus  in  the  Sixth  Ward,  and  a 
few  days  after  stood  around  the  polls  and  saw  the  repeaters 
vote.  Following  along  in  this  channel,  I was  presented  to 
Fernando  Wood  and  his  brother  Ben  ; and  right  here  I desire 
to  pay  a tribute  to  these  men.  It  requires  an  intellectual  man 
to  be  a very  bad  man.  The  stupid  bad  man  who  merely  drifts, 
will  strike  occasionally  some  rich  nuggets  of  sin ; the  quick 
intellect  knows  where  to  go  for  them  and  how  to  unearth 
them.  The  great  bad  man  must  have  sense  enough  to  distin- 
guish between  right  and  wrong,  cussedness  enough  to  choose 
the  latter,  and  brains  enough  to  do  something  startling  in  that 
way.  The  brothers  Wood  possess  all  these  qualities  in  an 
eminent  degree.  There  may  be  some  sins  that  they  have  not 
committed,  but  if  there  are,  it  is  only  because  they  could  not 
reach  them,  and  they  doubtless  experience  the  pangs  of  re- 
morse as  they  are  made  aware  of  their  inability. 

I saw  the  Hon.  John  Morrisey,  and  made  the  acquaintance 
of  a dozen  street  contractors.  My  friend,  who  knew  the  ob- 
ject of  my  coming,  invited  me  to  visit  Water  Street,  and  see 
men  of  the  John  Allen  stripe,  and  also  to  explore  the  Peter 
Funk  auction  shops,  but  I declined.  Why  go  from  the  greater 
to  the  smaller  ? Why  investigate  small  scoundrels  after  going 
through  the  big  ones? 

I made  the  acquaintance  of  a distinguished  pugilist  who 
was  in  training  for  a congressional  nomination.  He  had  com- 
mitted a magnificent  burglary,  which  was  complicated  some- 
what wdth  murder,  had  killed  a man  in  a bar-room  fight,  and 
was  about  to  appear  in  the  prize  ring. 

It  was  a blessgd  thing  for  me  that  I got  out  of  New  York  as 


IN  WASHINGTON. 


693 


I did.  I hadn’t  been  there  three  days  before  I felt  an  almost 
irresistible  desire  to  steal  something;  the  fourth  day  I could 
lie  like  a telegraph  despatch,  and  I suppose  in  a week  I should 
have  got  to  be  as  bad  as  the  rest  of  them. 

It  was  also  a blessed  thing  that  I did  not  go  to  Washington 
during  the  administrations  of  Johnson  or  Buchanan.  Going 
when  I did  I saw  enough.  In  that  virtuous  city  my  investi- 
gations were  confined  to  the  three  classes  which  make  up  its 
resident  population  — namely,  those  who ‘have  been  in  office, 
those  who  are  in  office,  and  those  who  'svant  to  be  in  office. 
They  may  be  distinguished  by  the  paper  collars  they  wear: 
the  first  and  last  classes  always  wear  dirty  ones.  The  first 
class  spends  its  whole  time  in  devising  means  to  get  away ; the 
second,  in  getting  their  salaries  raised  that  they  may  live  on 
them,  and  in  making  their  stay  perpetual;  the  third,  in  getting 
something  to  eat  till  they  get  into  the  second  class.  My  in- 
vestigations were  principally  among  ’the  office-holders,  and  the 
highest  of  them. 

I saw  cadetships  sold  for  dollars;  in  fact,  I was  present  at 
one  transaction  of  the  kind  where  the  buyer  and  the  represen- 
tative who  had  the  place  for  sale  disagreed  about  twenty-five 
dollars,  the  difference  being  almost  enough  to  split  the  trade. 
The  man  who  wanted  the  cadetship  swore  roundly  that  he 
could  get  one  cheaper.  The  representative  swore  with  equal 
vehemence  that  it  was  impossible,  as  the  vacancies  had  been 
mostly  sold,  and  there  were  but  few  in  the  market.  The  scene 
reminded  me  so  much  of  an  encounter  between  two  keen 
horse-jockeys  in  my  beloved  Vermont,  that,  like  the  Swiss  sol- 
dier who  hears  the  music  of  his  native  mountains,  I wept. 
The  buyer  insisted  that  he  had  been  offered  them  for  less, 
Avhereupon  the  representative  let  him  into  a congressional 
trade-trick.  He  revealed  the  fact  that  members  who  were  in 
arrears  for  board  were  in  the  habit  of  selling  cadetships  which 
they  didn’t  have.  Go,”  said  the  virtuous  member,  go  and 
buy  a cadetship  of  one  of  them,  but  demand  proof  that  your 
son  will  be  appointed,  before  you  pay  your  money.  You’ll 
come  back  to  me  quick  enough,  and  be  glad  to  deal  with  an 
honest  man.”  The  difference  was  finally  compromised.  The 
buyer  was  one  of  the  aristocracy  of  America,  a manufacturer 


694 


THE  SOBER  MEMBER. 


of  patent  medicines^  and  he  had  some  millions  of  circulars 
which  he  desired  t6  send  through  the  mails.  He  paid  the 
twenty-five  dollars,  and  in  consideration  thereof  had  the  use 
of  the  member’s'  frank  for  twenty  days. 

I met  judges  of  courts  in  the  Southern  States,  who,  ten 
years  ago,  were  hostlers  in  livery  stables  in  the  North,  and 
whose  knowledge  of  criminal  law  they  had  gained  from  stand- 
ing in  the  prisoner’s  dock.  I met  other  carpet-baggers,  equally 
meritorious,  who  overrun  the  -conquered  South  like  locusts, 
and  who  were  just  as  voracious.  Here  the  simile  ends.  They 
did  not  devour  the  green  things  they  came  upon  — they  pre- 
served them  carefully  for  the  sake  of  their  votes. 

I was  mistaken  twice  for  a correspondent,  and  was  offered 
a hundred  dollars  each  time  to  write  a speech  for  a member 
who  was  never  sober  enough  to  do  it  for  himself.  The  wife 
of  the  member  loved  to  live  in  Washington,  and  she  felt  that 
her  husband  must  deliver  a speech  for  effect  at  home.  She 
assured  me  that,  while  that  efficient  lawmaker  was  never  sober 
enough  to  write  a speech,  she  had  sufficient  confidence  in  her 
strategic  powers  to  believe  she  could  keep  him  sober  long 
enough  to  deliver  a short  one.  This  woman  was  too  devoted 
to  her  husband,  and  was  wonderful  in  the  ingeniousness  of 
her  apologies  for  his  shortcomings.  She  insisted  to  his  con- 
stituents that  he  would  never  do  anything  wrong,  but  for 
liquor.  “ He  was  in  liquor  when  he  did  it,”  was  her  excuse 
for  all  his  sins.  When  a temperance  man  reproached  him  for 
breaking  the  pledge  of  total  abstinence,  which  he  took  to  se- 
cure his  renomination,  she  exclaimed,  with  touching  pathos, 
0,  sir,  forgive  him ; he  was  -in  liquor  when  he  broke  that 
pledge  ! ” 

I saw  men  who  had  the  reputation  of  being  tolerably  honest 
at  home,  voting  away  millions  of  acres  of  public  lands  to 
swindling  corporations ; but  I did  not  see  the  transfer  to  them 
of  their  slice  of  the  plunder.  If  I had  seen  this  part  of  the 
play,  I would  not  have  exclaimed  against  their  stupidity  and 
carelessness,  as  I did  at  the  time.  In  characterizing  them  as 
stupid  and  careless  I did  them  great  injustice.  Every  man  of 
them  knew  what  he  was  about ; in  -fact,  no  one  but  a man  who 
knows  what  he  is  about  can  live  in  a gorgeous  mansion,  drink 


THE  EXTREME  RADICALS. 


695 


champagne,  and  maintain  such  luxuries  as  carriages  and 
servants,  in  a high-priced  city  like  Washington,  on  a salary  of 
five  thousand  dollars  per  year.  It  is  true  they  have  mileage 
in  addition,  and  it  is  true  also  that  members  from  New  York 
go  to  Washington  by  way  of  New  Orleans,  and  members  from 
Kentucky  by  way  of  Bangor,  Maine,  but  that  will  not  account 
for  their  ability  to  meet  such  enormous  expenditures.  It  is  a 
cruel  injustice  to  stigmatize  a man  as  stupid  who  goes  to 
Washington  poor  and  returns  rich  on  that  salary. 

I was  particularly  interested  in  men  who  had  managed  to 
maintain  their  seats  in  Congress  twelve  years  by  riding  one 
hobby,  and  howling  all  those  terrible  years  one  cry.  They 
were  political  hand-organs,  who  could  grind  out  only  the  tune 
to  which  they  were  originally  set,  and,  disprivacied  or  un- 
disprivacied,  they  ground  out  that  tune  with  damnable  same- 
ness and  fiendish  continuosity.  These  men  were  incapable 
of  voting  intelligently  on  any  question,  and  had  not  sense 
enough  to  know  that,  when  the  institution,  the  denunciation 
of  which  had  made  them,  was  dead,  that  they  were  dead,  also. 
They  were  political  corpses ; but  instead  of  being  content  to 
rest  quietly  in  their  graves,  as  gentlemanly  and  well-regulated 
corpses  do,  they  insisted  upon  walking  up  and  down  the  earth 
with  their  cerements  clinging  to  them.  They  insisted  upon 
re-nominations  and  re-elections,  shrieking  that  their  fidelity  to 
principle,  as  they  termed  their  extreme  fidelity  to  themselves, 
entitled  them  to  a life-lease  of  a position  in  which  they  might 
rattle  around,  but  could  never  fill. 

One  man,  who  had  represented  an  advanced  anti-slavery 
district,  every  voter  in  which  was  way  beyond  Wendell 
Phillips  in  his  abolitionism,  claimed  the  admiration  of  the 
world  for  having  never  wavered  in  his  devotion  to  freedom, 
and  the  people  yielded  their  praise,  forgetting  that  had  he 
ever  wavered  as  much  as  a hair’s  breadth  it  would  have  been 
his  political  death.  Because  he  had  always  voted  with  his 
party  on  the  slavery  question,  which  any  man  who  can  dis- 
tinguish between  right  and  wrong  may  comprehend,  he  asked 
to  be  allowed  to  continue  in  Congress  and  vote  upon  such 
questions  as  banks,  tariffs,  and  other  nice  points  in  govern- 
mental matters,  upon  which  men  of  ability  have  spent  years 


696 


THE  TROUBLED  THOMPSON. 


of  earnest  thought.  One  of  this  class,  who  was  on  the  Com- 
mittee of  Ways  and  Means,  knowing  me  to  be  a man  of 
business,  asked  me  to  teli  him  something  about  the  National 
Debt. 

This  legislator  explained  to  me  his  method  of  doing  the 
business  of  the  public.  He  said  that  it  was  easy  enough  in 
1866  to  vote  on  the  nigger  question,  even  if  it  did  get  compli- 
cated sometimes,  for  all  he  had  to  do  was  to  vote  as  Thad 
Stevens  and  Shellabarger  did.  The  roll  is  called  alphabeti- 
cally, H S T,  &c.  His  name  was  fortunately  Thompson,  and 
could  only  be  called  after  Stevens.  Had  it  been  Adams,  or 
Albright,  or  Banning,  or  Brown,  or  Curtis,  or  Channing,  he 
would  have  been  compelled  to  resign.  But  being  Thompson, 
and  T coming  in  the  alphabet  after  S,  it  was  easy  enough. 
Stevens,  yea ; Shellabarger,  yea ; Thompson,  yea ; and  vice 
versa. 

But  the  poor  man  was  now  in  a bad  way.  Stevens  is  dead, 
and  gone  where  all  good  men  go.  After  a stormy  life  he  is  at 
last  in  heaven  and  at  peace.  In  heaven,  for  he  always 
fought  for  the  right ; at  peace,  for  there  are  no  pro-slavery 
Democrats  there  for  him  to  fight.  Stevens  is  dead,  and 
Shellabarger  is  out  of  Congress,  and  the  two  Republican 
Representatives  in  the  House  whose  names  begins  with  S, 
are  on  different  sides  on  all  the  questions  of  the  day.  Puzzled 
which  side  to  take,  he  turned  to  the  platforms  of  the  party,  but 
found,  to  his  disgust,  that  they  covered  both  sides,  as  all  plat- 
forms do.  He  had  observed  that  the  platforms  were  always 
made  by  Federal  office-holders,  and  singularly  enough,  that 
whatever  else  they  might  contain,  they  invariably  indorsed 
the  administration  of  President  Grant,  and  he  went  to  that 
great  man  to  find  out,  if  possible,  what  the  principles  of  the 
party  were.  With  which  wing  do  you  hold?*’  asked  the 
perplexed  Thompson. 

“ With  which  wing  do  I hold  ? I believe  that  Dexter  is  the 
fastest  trotting  horse  in  America,’’  was  the  clear  and  satisfac- 
tory response  of  this  master  of  statecraft. 

Thompson  was  an  orator  of  the  florid  order,  which  oratory 
was  the  cause  of  his  being  inflicted  upon  a long-suffering  and 


MANAGEMENT  IN  POLITICS. 


697 


patient  country.  His  speaking  was  corruscative.  It  was 
lurid^  loud,  and  fizzy,  as  though  his  parents,  just  before  his 
birth,  had  sold  small  beer  at  torchlight  processions  and  camp- 
meetings.  By  virture  of  lungs  alone,  he  had  managed  to  pass 
for  something  in  this  easily  deceived  world.  He  had  main- 
tained his  position  all  these  years  on  the  slavery  question 
alone.  When  the  righteous  Fifteenth  Amendment  was  likely 
to  become  law,  he  prayed  that  the  Democracy  might  be  able 
to  defeat  it,  for  what  could  he  do  without  that  juicy  old  sin  to 
batter  at  ? He  was  a reformer  ; and  what  is  a reformer  with- 
out something  to  reform?  One  might  as  well  be  a corn-doctor 
in  a country  where  the  women  care  nothing  for  small  feet,  and 
the  men  all  wear  large  and  easy  boots. 

I met  another  class  of  politicians,  who,  to  some  extent, 
deceived  me.  I observed  a baker’s  dozen  who  damned,  with 
a vehemence  that  was  edifying.  Slavery  and  all  its  outgrowths. 
They  denounced  it  as  vile,  unholy,  and  unchristian,  and  the 
least  of  its  consequences  as  ruinous  and  destructive.  They 
stood  a long  way  in  advance  of  Garrison  and  Pliillips,  and 
elbowed  out  of  the  way  the  oldest  and  most  consistent  anti- 
slavery men,  on  the  score  of  their  lack  of  Badicalism.  I was 
lost  in  admiration,  but  I recovered  myself  when  1 learned  the 
fact  that  these  men  were,  as  late  as  March,  1861,  defending 
slavery  from  the  Bible,  and  damning,  with  equal  fervency, 
every  one  who  doubted  its  divinity,  its  righteousness,  or  its 
expediency.  Men  who  were  ferocious,  fire-eating,  pro-slavery 
men  as  late  as  March,  1861,  by  a sudden  shift  a month  later, 
won  the  opportunity  of  making  sad  failures  as  Major-Generals, 
and  afterwards  by  out-Heroding  Herod  in  their  devotion  to 
liberty  and  equality,  managed  to  occupy  high  seats  in*the 
Bepublican  synagogue,  from  which  sublime  heights  they  looked 
down  compassionately  upon  the  old  time  Liberty-party  men  of 
1836,  and  with  contempt  upon  the  Free-soilers  of  1848,  and  the 
Bepublicans  of  1856.  From  this  I gathered  .a  valuable  lesson, 
namely,  that  in  politics  it  is  well  to  do  the  right  thing  and  be 
a good  man,  provided  you  don’t  commence  doing  right  and 
being  good  too  soon.  It  is  a good  thing  in  the  United  States 
to  be  an  anti-slavery  man,  provided  you  were  a fierce  and 
bitter  pro-slavery  man  so  late  as  1861. 


698 


JENCKS  AND  REFOEM. 


I was  in  Washington  in  the  time  of  a lunatic  named  Jencks, 
of  Rhode  Island,  who,  notwithstanding  his  experience  in  the 
House,  fancied  he  could  get  a bill  through  it  that  had  common 
sense  in  it.  Laboring  under  that  delusion,  he  introduced  a 
bill  requiring  persons  aspiring  to  positions  under  the  govern- 
ment to  appear  before  a Board  of  Examiners,  and  show  that 
they  had  fitness  therefor.  He  called  it  a Civil  Service  bill. 
The  principle  of  the  bill  was  so  clearly  right  — so  necessary 
indeed  — that  I supposed,  in  my  innocence,  that  it  would 
become  law  at  once.  I supposed  that  members  would  chafe 
at  the  delay  in  pushing  it  through  committees,  and  would 
worry  at  the  time  necessary  to  be  sacrificed  to  red  tape  before 
they  could  get  at  it.  I was  the  more  certain  that  it  would  go 
through,  for  I knew  of  persons  occupying  responsible  posi- 
tions, who  never  would  have  been  trusted  by  the  men  who 
procured  their  appointments  with  any  business  of  their  own. 
I knew  of  common  gamblers  and  common  swindlers  in  places 
where  they  had  the  handling  of  government  money,  and  as 
they  were  buying  farms  in  their  native  counties,  on  salaries 
of  eighteen  hundred  dollars  per  year,  it  was  evident  that 
they  handled  to  advantage.  I found,  in  all  the  departments, 
mediocres,  imbeciles,  incompetents,  nothings,  rakes,  gamblers, 
peculators,  plunderers,  scoundrels ; and  as  this  bill  of  Mr. 
Jencks  was  intended  to  cure  all  this,  I supposed,  of  course, 
that  it  would  pass  — indeed,  I wondered  that  it  had  not  been 
made  law  before.  But  it  did  not  pass.  One  Representative 
was  shocked  that  any  one  could  be  so  heartless  as  to  propose 
it.  When  I intimated  tha^  the  interests  of  the  people  de- 
manded it,  he  promptly  replied,  with  a show  of*  much  indigna- 
tioni,  that  take  away  his  patronage,  which  this  bill  did,  and  he 
couldn’t  hold  his  position  at  all  — indeed,  without  it  he  couldn’t 
be  renominated. 

But,”  said  I,  I know  of  a Revenue  Officer  of  your 
appointing  who  is  as  complete  a scoundrel  as  ever  went 
unhung.” 

“ True,”  was  the  reply.  I know  it,  too  ; but  he  can  carry 
the  delegates  of  the  third  ward  of  my  city  at  any  time,  and 
without  him  at  my  back  I stand  no  chance  whatever.” 

I did  not  tell  him,  as  perhaps  I should  have  done,  that  wdiile 


THE  FRANKING  PRIVILEGE. 


699 


a failure  to  secure  a renomination  might  work  badly  for  the 
Representative  himself,  and  possibly  for  his  wife  and  eldest 
daughter,  and  the  ring  of  followers  the  possession  of  the  offices 
gave  him,  nevertheless  the  rest  of  the  world  would  manage 
to  get  along  in  some  way  if  he  were  not  renominated.  1 did 
not  intimate,  which  I might  have  done,  that  the  very  fact  that 
he  could  not  be  renominated  but  for  the  influence  given  him 
by  the  offices  he  controlled,  Avas  a good  reason  why  he  should 
not  be  renominated  : indeed,  a sufficient  one.  But  this  Repre- 
sentative Avas  laboring  under  the  delusion  that  he  Avas  in 
Washington  solely  for  his  OAvn  benefit,  and  I discovered  that 
perhaps  half  his  associates  cherished  the  same  idea.  I did 
suggest  to  him  that  he  might  go  out  of  Congress  and  go 
home. 

“ But  what  could  I do  at  home  ? ’’  he  asked. 

The  conundrum  Avas  too  heavy  for  me,  and  I gaA^e  it  up.  I 
couldn’t  really  see  Avhat  such  a man  could  do  at  home.  And 
as  I saAv  so  many  like  him,  it  occurred  to  me  that  in  half  the 
districts,  at  least,  Avhenever  they  found  a man  absolutely  good 
for  nothing  that  they  kneAv  of,  they  sent  him  to  Congress,  on 
the  principle  that  there  must  be  some  use  for  all  men.  And 
in  filling  other  official  positions,  the  rule  adopted  Avas  precisely 
opposite  that  Avhich  governed  men  in  the  selection  of  men  to 
do  their  OAvn  business.  The  question  of  fitness  was  never 
raised,  and  the  strongest  thing  that  could  be  said  for  a man 
Avas,that  he  couldn’t  get  a living  at  anything  else.  The  offices 
of  the  country  Avere  made  into  so  many  hospitals  for  genteel 
imbecility. 

I staid  in  Washington  long  enough  to  witness  an  effort  to 
repeal  the  franking  privilege.  I saAv  it  stated  — nay,  proven 

— that  members  had  sold  the  use  of  their  franks  to  lottery 
dealers,  to  bogus  publishers,  to  patent  medicine  men  — to  all, 
in  short,  Avho  desired  the  free  use  of  the  mails.  I Avaded 
through  columns  of  figures,  shoAving  the  cost  of  delivery  of 
thousands  of  tons  of  that  delightful  and  improving  literature 

— Patent  Office  Reports  and  Statistics  of  Commerce  — to  the 
people  (the  statistics  of  commerce  going  invariably  to  farmers, 
and  the  agricultural  reports  to  merchants),  the  printing  and 
carrying  of  which  Avas  to  be  charged  directly  to  this  privilege. 


700 


THE  WAY  TO  EEPEAL. 


I saw’  tons  of  public  documents^  in  their  original  wrappers, 
piled  up  in  the  shops  of  the  dealers  in  old  paper,  all  of  which 
the  government  paid  a dozen  prices  for,  as  it  does  for  every- 
thing else.  I knew  one  young  man  in  my  native  town,  born 
of  poor  but  honest  parents,  who  had  ambition  to  rise.  He 
supposed  that  a careful  reading  and  study  of  the  reports  was 
necessary  to  his  being  well  inforrhed,  and  with  a heroism  that 
wmuld  have  made  him  great,  had  it  been  properly  directed,  he 
did  read  all  that  his  Congressman  sent  him.  In  one  year  that 
hapless  youth  wms  in  a.  lunatic  asylum,  and  his  Represen- 
tative wasn’t  much  of  a man  for  sending  documents  either.  I 
saw  the  poor  fellow  a wmek  ago  sitting  by  a table  in  a state  of 
hopeless  lunacy,  muttering  to  himself  something  about  the  im- 
ports of  hides  from  Brazil.  As  in  the  case  of  the  Civil  Service 
bill,  I supposed  the  repeal  would  pass  at  once,  but  I was  un- 
deceived one  night.  I was  present  at  a caucus  called  to  stran- 
gle it  by  the  loudest-mouthed  advocates  of  the  measure.  I 
was  made  aware  that  the  proposition  to  repeal  was  merely  a 
tub  thrown  to  that  stupid  whale,  the  public,  with  which  it 
should  amuse  itself  till  the  throwmrs  got  safely  away  with  the 
plunder  they  had  previously  grabbed.  I saw  the  same  thing 
done  with  other  measures  in  other  ways.  I knew  one  member 
who  had  been  elected  by  pledging  himself  to  the  repeal  of  a 
law  obnoxious  to  the  people  of  his  district,  who  called  a 
meeting  of  members  to  insure  its  defeat  as  soon  as  he  should 
introduce  it.  He  secured  enough  votes  to  defeat  it  certainly, 
and  then  brought  in  his  bantling  and  made  a sham  fight  over 
it,  in  which  there  was  much  beating  of  rhetorical  gongs,  and 
much  blowing  of  oratorical  trumpets,  and  he  pretended  to 
weep  with  rage  when  it  was  strangled.  The  ingenious  man 
was,  of  course,  applauded  by  his  constituency  for  his  manly 
struggle  in  defence  of  the  right,  and  triumphantly  re-elected. 
His  constituents  denounced  bitterly,  by  resolution,  the  mem- 
bers who  voted  against  the  measure,  but  as  they  represented 
other  districts  it  didn’t  hurt  them  much. 

Why,”  I exclaimed  in  wonder,  doesn’t  some  honest  mem- 
ber expose  these  scoundrelly  practices?  ” 

Where  will  you  find  the  honest  member?”  was  the  perti- 
nent interrogatory  in  answer. 


IN  NEW  JERSEY. 


701 

1 saw  offices  created  for  the  sole  purpose  of  making  places 
for  the  adherents  of  members.  I attended  caucuses,  and  found 
that,  in  the  discussion  of  pending  measures,  the  only  question 
was,  “ How  will  this  affect  the  party  ? I saw  measures,  the 
success  of  which  seemed  to  me  to  be  of  the  highest  and  grav- 
est importance,  slaughtered  mercilessly,  that  the  re-election  of 
one  member  might  be  assured ; and  I saw  the  nation  made  ab- 
surd in  the  eyes  of  the  world,  because  one  member  had  a 
thousand  Irish  votes  in  his  district  which  he  was  trying  to 
catch  by  baiting  them  with  thin  buncombe.  I saw  members 
from  one  State  agree  to  vote  for  swindles  proposed  by  mem- 
bers from  other  States,  upon  condition  tliat  the  favor  should  be 
returned  on  demand.  I saw  women  of  doubtful  character  — 
no,  there  was  nothing  doubtful  about  that  — carrying  swindles 
through  Congress  by  force  of  their  blandishments,  and  I saw 
gamblers  and  pugilists  wielding  an  influence  that  Clay  and 
Adams  never  possessed. 

When  I went  to  Washington  I leaned  towards  the  idea  of 
universal  salvation — I left  as  rigidly  orthodox  as  the  most 
rigid  could  desire.  I was  convinced  that  if  there  was  no  lake 
of  fire  and  brimstone,  and  a very  hot  one,  in  the  future,  there 
had  been  -a  gross  error  made.  Afterwards  I returned  to  my 
original  belief;  but  in  view  of  the  fact  that  even  Congressmen 
were  to  be  eventually  saved  with  others,  I had  to  recall  the 
other  fact  that  the  thieves  on  the  cross  were  pardoned,  before 
I could  comprehend  the  depths  and  breadth  of  infinite  mercy. 

My  soul  was  debilitated  with  the  quantity  and  quality  of  the 
depravity  I had  taken  in,  and  I wanted  a moral  tonic.  I left 
Washington  and  went  to  Trenton,  the  capital  of  New  Jersey, 
to  recuperate.  I tarried  in  Trenton,  believing  that  members 
of  the  State  legislature,  being  chosen  from  the  rural  popula- 
tion, in  coming  to  a State  capital  I had  struck  the  right  shop 
for  virtue.  I was  undeceived — indeed,  I was  in  the  business 
of  being  undeceived. 

Before  I had  been  about  the  State  House  a day  I saw  enough 
stupidity,  peculation,  and  corruption  to  make  me  almost  despair 
of  popular  government.  Thank  God  ! ’’  I exclaimed,  that 
Japanese  customs  do  not  prevail  in  New  Jersey.” 

‘‘To  what  particular  customs  do  you  allude?”  asked  a New 


702 


A MONOPOLY. 


Jersey  man,  who  had  spent  a whole  winter  in  a vain  attempt 
to  restrain  a monopoly  which  was  devouring  his  substance. 

“I  allude  to  that  one  which  compels  a Japanese  official  to 
rip  his  bowels  the  moment  he  commits  a blunder  or  a crime. 
I thanked  the  Lord  that  it  did  not  obtain  here,  for  if  it  did, 
there  never  would  be  a quorum  in  the  New  Jersey  legis- 
lature.’’ 

Never  shall  I forget  the  look  of  indignation  that  venerable 
man  fixed  upon  me. 

‘‘  You  are  a man,”  said  he,  and  doubtless  had  a mother. 
Can  you  cherish  such  a hatred  of  the  people  of  New  Jersey 
as  to  thank  God  that  the  lack  of  a custom  so  wholesome  as 
the  one  you  mention  entails  upon  them  such  a legislature  ? ” 
And  he  lifted  up  his  hands  in  horror. 

I saw  a bill  introduced  contracting  the  privilege  of  a monop- 
oly. I saw  the  attorney  of  that  monopoly  meet  the  members 
who  had  introduced  and  advocated  the  bill,  and  ask  in  plain, 
unvarnished  English,  without  circumlocution  or  attempt  at  dis- 
guise, how  many  dollars  paid  in  hand  they  would  take  to  kill 
it.  One  new  member  — he  was  in  his  first  session,  and  was 
therefore  virtuous  — opposed  the  sale  vigorously.  He  was 
offered  one  hundred  dollars,  but  he  refused,  denouncing  the 
monopoly  as  odious.  At  two  hundred  and  fifty  dollars,  he 
wasn’t  quite  certain  that  it  was  a monopoly ; at  five  hundred 
dollars,  he  knew  it  wasn’t  a monopoly,  but  he  thought  that  the 
interests  of  the  people  demanded  a curtailment  of  privilege, 
at  least  in  part;  at  seven  hundred  and  fifty  dollars,  he  really 
did  not  know  what  to  do  about  it  — it  was  a puzzling  thing, 
and  required  thought ; at  one  thousand  dollars  he  swore  that 
the  company  was  a blessing  to  the  State,  and  that  the  attempt 
to  injure  it  by  imposing  legislative  restrictions  was  an  outrage, 
and  he  voted  against  the  bill  with  thundering  emphasis.  This 
man’s  sense  of  right,  like  an  old  musket,  was  honeycombed, 
and  not  strong  enough  at  the  breech  to  bear  a severe  trial 
without  bursting.  One  thousand  dollars  was  too  much  pres- 
sure on  the  square  inch,  and  it  exploded.  The  money  was 
paid,  the  bill  was  defeated  by  the  men  who  introduced  it,  and 
that  night  the  hotels  swam  in  champagne. 


AN  ANECDOTE. 


703 


" there  is  no  virtue  in  rural  legislators/’  I asked  myself, 
“ where  will  you  look  for  it?  ” 

I pondered  on  this  conundrum,  and  finally  got  an  answer. 
Less  should  be  expected  of  a ruralist  than  of  the  more  wealthy 
dweller  in  cities.  Human  nature  is  the  same  in  city  and  coun- 
try. It  takes  less  to  make  a yeoman  rich  than  it  does  a bank- 
er or  merchant,  and  consequently  it  takes  less  to  buy  him. 

But  don’t  the  perpetrators  of  all  this  iniquity  get  fearful 
sometimes  of  being  brought  to  account?  ” I asked. 

“ No,”  was  the  answer.  Firm  in  the  belief  that  mankind 
is  divided  into  two  classes,  rascals  and  ninnies,  they  march  on 
confident  and  secure.  They  fieece  the  ninnies,  and  divide 
with  the  rascals,  which  is  the  sum  total  of  New  Jersey  legis- 
lation.” 

But  reputation?”  I said,  inquiringly. 

My  friend  replied  with  an  anecdote  after  the  manner  of  Lin- 
coln. Two  fellows  were  in  a lock-up  one  night,  a policeman 
having  picked  them  up  for  being  drunk  and  disorderly.  One 
of  them  was  in  that  peculiar  stage  of  drunkenness  in  which 
the  victim  feels  he  is  abused. 

This  is  infamous,”  he  said.  My  reputation  is  lost ! ” 

Lost ! — your  reputation’s  lost ! ” exolaimed  the  other  with 
a thick  voice,  as  he  clung  swa^dng  to  the  bars.  Your  repu- 
tation’s lost ! There  ain’t  nothing  mean  about  me,  Harry  ; take 
mine ! ” 

There  isn’t,”  said  the  cynic,  a member  of  the  body 
who  wouldn’t  be  glad  to  trade  his  reputation  for  anybody 
else’s.” 

I went  sadly  on.  Sadly,  for  in  my  investigations  I had 
found  a thousand  times  more  of  iniquity  than  I had  any  idea 
could  have  existed.  I had  not  calculated  on  the  certainty  of 
the  crop  or  the  enormity  of  the  yield.  I started  out,  like  the 
naturalist,  in  search  of  what  I supposed  to  be  a rare  plant,  and 
I found  myself  in  a wilderness  of  it.  I expected  to  browse 
about  the  world,  taking  here  a nip  and  there  a nip  of  iniquity, 
but  I found  myself,  whichever  way  I turned,  in  broad  meadows 
of  it,  like  a horse  in  clover.  I had  found  the  man  of  sin  hon- 
ored in  business  circles  in  New  York,  honored  and  applauded 
at  the  National  capital,  and  in  the  State  capitals.  He  had  been 


704 


THE  REFORMERS. 


introduced  to  me  as  a merchant,  as  a railroad  manager,  as  “U 
banker,  as  a representative;  I found  him  in  the  senate,  in  the 
cabinet,  and  on  the  supreme  bench;  I saw  him  sitting  in  force 
in  both  branches  of  a State  legislature;  I found  him  every- 
where. 

On  my  way  home  I stumbled  into  a convocation  of  reformers, 
who  had  gathered  to  organize  for  the  promotion  of  an  object 
in  which  I could  see  great  good.  I seated  myself  as  gladly  in 
their  midst  as  a traveller  in  the  great  desert  sits  down  by  the 
side  of  running. water  and  under  the  grateful  shade  of  trees. 
Here,  I thouglit,  there  can  be  neither  envy,  malice,  ambition, 
or  self-seeking,  for  these  labor  for  humanity  ; each  will  insist 
not  upon  his  own  good,  but  the  preferment  of  others.  I ex- 
pected to  find  so  much  of  self-abnegation  that  I was  troubled 
when  I thought  how  much  valuable  time  would  be  wasted  in 
vain  attempts  to  organize,  as  each  would  be  determined  to 
force  the  honor  of  the  movement  upon  others. 

There  were  seventy  present,  and  it  was  agreed  to  elect  the 
officers  of  the  association  by  ballot.  Alas ! for  my  belief. 
When  the  ballots  were  counted  out  it  was  found  that  sixty- 
nine  of  the  seventy  had  each  just  one  vote  for  president,  and 
the  handwriting  on  the  ballots  betrayed  the  awkward  fact  that 
each  had  voted  for  himself.  One  had  two  votes,  — his  own  and 
mine,  — which  elected  him  ; whereupon  the  meeting  broke  up 
in  disorder,  and  each  of  the  sixty-nine  started  a society  of  his 
own,  of  which  he  could  be  the  head. 

All  my  life  I had  occupied  what  might  be  called  a neutral 
position  on  the  Woman  question.  I had  been  what  might  be 
called  a Conservative-Radical ; or,  to  state  ray  position  more 
definitely,  for  I like  to  be  accurate,  a Radical-Conservative.  I 
had  not  so  high  an  opinion  of  the  sex  as  some  of  my  friends, 
or  so  low  as  others.  There  are  those  who  are  so  crazy  in  their 
adoration  of  the  sex,  as  to  assert  that  no  man  ever  met  a woman 
without  being  the  better  for  it.  These  I always  crushed,  by 
asking  them  if  Adam  was  the  better  for  having  met  Eve?  On 
the  other  hand,  when  a railer  at  the  weaknesses  of  the  sex 
would  assert  that  no  woman  ever  kept  a secret,  I crushed  them, 
by  demanding  the  name  and  post-office  address  of  any  unmar- 
ried woman  above  twenty-five  who  had  ever  divulged  her  age, 


WOMAX. 


" 705 


or  any  woman,  married,  single,  or  divorced,  who  ever  confided 
to  any  one  the  fact  that  her  hair,  teeth,  or  complexion  were 
artificial.  I held,  and  had  always,  that  the  virtues  Avere  inhe- 
rent in  woman,  and  so  believing,  felt  it  unnecessary  to  look  for 
sin  among  them,  that  is,  to  any  alarming  extent. 

My  experience  in  New  York,  Washington,  and  Trenton 
shook  my  faith  in  Avoman  someAvhat.  I discovered  that  Avomen 
can  be  Avicked,  and  Avhen  they  are  Avicked  they  are  very  Avick- 
ed.  I found  that  they  are  not  all  truthful ; and  that  when  they 
set  out  to  lie,  they  do  it  Avith  an  ease,  a grace,  a smoothness 
that  sugar-coats  the  most  audacious  falsification,  and  makes  it 
go  doAvn  as  easily  as  the  sweetest  truth.  I found  them  horri- 
bly insincere  in  everything  relating  to  the  stronger  sex.  They 
would  flirt  and  trifle  with  them,  and  I never  heard  but  one 
Avho  even  condemned  the  practice,  and  her  condemnation,  se- 
\mre  as  it  AA^as,  did  not  count  Avlien  I cited  it,  for  she  Avas 
thirty-nine,  and  had  had  small-pox,  and  cross-eyes,  and  Avore  a 
Avig,  and  Avas  thin  and  angular,  and  had  freckles,  and  A^ery 
sandy  hair,  and  her  nose  turned  up,  and  her  teeth  Avere  bad, 
and  she  didift  know  how  to  dress,  and  had  large  feet,  and 
A-ery  large,  bony  hands,  and  a stoop  in  her  shoulders,  and  some 
other  defects  in  her  person  unnecessary  to  enumerate,  as  from 
Avhat  I have  said  regarding  her  you  may  infer  that  she  AA^as  not 
the  belle  of  her  native  village.  She  protested  vehemently 
against  this  thing  of  ensnaring  young  men,  and  Avlien  they  had 
lost  all  control  of  themselves  in  their  adoration,  of  casting 
them  off  heartlessly.  She  had  never  done  it,  nor  never  Avould 
— she  had  alvrays  blasted  their  budding  hopes  at  the  begin- 
ning. When  I repeated  this  noble  resolution  to  a bevy  of 
girls,  dressed  artlessly  in  ringlets  and  Avhite  muslin,  they 
Avinked  at  each  other  and  tittered.  The  noble  example  I set 
before  them  did  not  produce  the  effect  I hoped. 

I found  them  vain.  I kneAv  women  betAveen  the  ages  of 
eighteen  and  twenty-four  Avho  habitually  consumed  four  hours 
each  day  in  adorning  their  persons,  that  they  might  enjoy  the 
ecstasy  of  a half  hour’s  promenade  to  shoAV  their  feathers. 
They  never  returned  in  good  humor  — they  Avere  invariably 
disappointed.  If  there  should  be  no  crowd  to  gaze  upon  them,, 
they  lost  the  object  of  their  going;  it'  there  was  a crowd,  they 
45 


706 


ANOTHER  ANECDOTE. 


always  encoimtered  some  woman  arrayed  still  more  gorgeously, 
which  was  poison.  Then,  again,  they  lack  judgment  as  to  the 
men  upon  whom  to  lavish  their  admiration.  They  esteem  ap- 
pearance and  pretension  more  than  they  do  real  manly  beauty 
and  intellect.  I have  known  them  to  pass  me  by  with  the 
merest  and  coldest  nod,  and  blossom  out  all  over  with  smiles 
at  the  approach  of  a fop,  whose  mustache  was  like  a base  ball 
club,  nine  on  a side,  and  whose  other  points  were  as  weak  as 
his  mustache. 

But  these  were  the  lightest  of  the  sins  I found  I would  have 
to  charge  to  them.  I found  that  they  were  sometimes  avari- 
cious, and  that  when  avaricious,  for  absolute  downright  stingi- 
ness and  closeness  the  most  intense  miser  was  an  infant  be- 
side them.  As  their  capacity  for  good  was  greater  and 
higher  than  man’s,  so  was  their  capacity  for  evil,  which 
made  me  thank  the  Lord  that  physically  they  are  weaker,  and 
that  home  influences  set  the  most  of  their  heads  in  tho  right 
direction,  and  the  lack  of  opportunity  keeps  them  following 
their  noses.  But  I saw  fearful  evidences  of  their  capacity  for 
making  trouble.  I met  one  beautiful  girl,  so  modest  in  appear- 
ance as  to  disarm  suspicion  that  she  could  do  anything  that 
savored  of  worldliness,  who  sued  a rich  widower  for  breach  of 
promise.  This  modest,  shrinking,  delicate  girl  was  at  that 
very  time  engaged  to  a penniless  young  man  whom  she  really 
loved.  To  make  sure  that  the  damages  to  be  wrested  from 
the  rich  widower  would  be  large  enough  to  set  her  affianced 
up  in  business,  she  got  judge  and  jurymen  crazy  in  love  with 
her,  and  engaged  herself  to  every  one  of  them.  Each  one 
now  had  a direct  interest  in  the  verdict,  for  each  one  expected 
to  marry  the  plaintiff,  and  a verdict  would  be  her  dowry.  The 
judge  annihilated  the  gay  old  Lothario  in  his  charge,  and  the 
jury,  without  leaving  the  box,  decided  that  her  heart  had  been 
broken,  and  that  twenty  thousand  dollars  was  the  least  salve 
that  could  be  applied  to  the  breach.  The  jurymen  were  heart- 
broken when  they  found  her  married  to  her  young  man;  the 
extent  of  the  chagrin  of  the  judge  may  be  inferred  from  the 
fact  that  he  resigned  his  office  — a thing  never  done  save  when 
a lacerating  necessity  exists.  The  widower  was  heart-broken 
when  the  amount  of  the  verdict  was  announced,  and  at  the 


FEMININE  EXTRAVAGANCE. 


707 


loss  of  reputation  : the  girl  and  her  new  husband,  who  had  in- 
vested largely  in  furniture  and  things  on  the  strength  of  ^he 
verdict,  were  heart-broken  when  they  discovered  that  the  de- 
fendant, against  whom  they  had  judgment,  had  been  speculat- 
ing in  gold,  and  had  taken  Jim  Fisk’s  word,  and  consequently 
was  not  worth  a dollar  in  the  world.  And  all  this  misery  re- 
sulted from  the  duplicity  of  one  woman. 

My  attention  was,  however,  directed  more  particularly  to 
their  intolerable  extravagance  and  recklessness  in  expenditure, 
at  which  my  soul  groaned. 

I observed  women  whose  chignons  were  larger  than  them- 
selves, whose  ordinary  dress  cost  more  than  an  ordinary  farm, 
and  whose  habits  had  become  so  luxurious  as  to  make  the  sup- 
port of  one  a matter  of  grave  consideration.  Particularly  was 
I shocked  to  notice  in  all  cases  that  trimming  — the  mere  orna- 
mentation-— cost  twice  or  thrice  as  much  as  the  dress  itself, 
and  that  the  labor  of  making  and  attaching  this  ornamentation 
was  more  than  either.  I saw  genius  employed,  not  in  perma- 
nently beautifying  the  world,  but  in  decking  a weak  woman  for 
an  afternoon  walk  or  drive.  I wept  bitter  tears  as  I saw  on  their 
heads  false  hair,  on  their  cheeks  artificial  color,  and  over  all 
dress,  the  primary  object  of  which  was  appearance.  I cast  up 
in  my  mind  the  cost  of  apparel  which  would  serve  all  the  real 
uses  of  clothing,  namely,  the  protection  ofHhe  body  from  the 
elements,  and  sighed  as  I compared  it  with  the  bills  of  the 
dressmaker.  And  all  this  extravagant  expenditure  in  a world 
in  which  there  are  thousands  in  darkness  for  want  of  means  to 
enlighten  them,  and  thousands  starving  for  want  of  food. 

When  I reached  home  I thanked  the  Lord  that  I brought 
with  me  a moral  constitution  sound  and  unimpaired.  As  I 
neared  my  village,  and  saw  the  spire  of  the  church  rising 
above  the  grove  in  which  it  nestled,  I involuntarily  thanked 
Heaven  that  1 could  lay  me  down  that  night  where  there  was 
no  sin. 

During  my  absence  I had  acquired  a habit  of  observation 
which  I could  not  help  indulging,  and  I commenced  making 
notes  of  what  few  trifling  departures  came  under  my  notice. 

I did  observe  that  Seth  Robinson, — Deacon  Robinson, — one 
of  our  two  merchants,  was  given  to  covetousness,  and  nour- 


708 


HOME  EXAMPLES. 


ished  too  strong  a desire  for  worldly  goods.  To  get  gain  he 
would  rise  every  morning  at  tlie  unchristian  hour  of  four  to 
set  his  store  in  order,  and  the  hours  between  four  and  seven 
he  passed  in  nervous  misery,  waiting  for  customers  who  were 
yet  taking  that  last  delicious  nap  before  rising  which  all  prop- 
erl}" constituted  and  evenly-balanced  men  and  women  so  highly 
appreciate.  Then  he  pursued  his  business  all  day  so  eagerly, 
was  so  careful  that  in  every  transaction  the  odd  penny  should  be 
turned  in  his  favor,  held  open  his  place  of  business  so  late 
in  the  night  to  catch  the  last  late  buyer,  and  finally  closed  so 
regretfully  to  think  that  eight  long  hours  would  elapse  before 
there  could  be  more  money-getting. 

Of  all  this  I could  hardly  approve.  It  is  well  for  the  new 
beginner  to  have  all  this  care,  and  be  at  all  these  pains  for 
dollars,  for  he  hath  his  fortune  to  make.  It  would  be  well  for 
one  advanced  in  years,  who  was  accumulating  money  for  some 
great  charity,  to  be  thus  eager  in  pursuit  of  coppers ; but  the 
Deacon  is  not  only  rich,  but  he  is  sixty.  He  can’t  enjoy 
the  money  he  has  on  this  earth;  he  cant’t  take  it  with  him; 
and  if  he  could  it  would  do  him  no  good  — it  would  melt ! Pie 
will  hold  to  every  dollar  he  can  make  so  long  as  there  is 
strength  in  his  fingers.  Money-getting,  in  his  case,  is  simply 
avarice,  — the  desire  to  get  money  for  the  sake  of  mone}^, — 
which  is  about  the  lowest  and  the  meanest  of  the  vices.  What 
better  is  the  Deacon  than  Fisk  or  Yanclerbilt,  save  in  the  ex- 
tent of  their  operations?  The  one  grasps  dollars,  the  other 
pennies;  but  they  both  grasp,  and  therein  is  the  sin.  The 
Deacon  is  a small  Vanderbilt;  but  unfortunately  sins  are  esti- 
mated as  are  eggs  — by  count,  not  weight.  The  sin  is  as 
heinous  if  it  does  not  produce  such  great  results. 

I turned  from  Robinson,  and  contemplated  his  rival  in  busi- 
ness— Bibney.  Bibney  was  the  opposite  of  Robinson,  and  to 
me  a more  pleasing  picture  to  look  upon.  He  was  noted 
for  his  charity,  and  was  regarded  by  his  neighbors  as  one 
whose  soul  melted  with  love  to  all  mankind.  I saw  him  give  five 
dollars  to  a poor  man  who  had  fallen  on  the  street,  and  I warmed 
towards  him,  for  the  man  was  needy,  and  I was  exercised  in 
my  mind  for  fear  that  some  of  my  neighbors  would  not  relieve 
him.  I would  have  liked  it  better  had  he  slipped  the  money 


BIBNEY  AND  MRS.  SWAN. 


709 


quietly  in  his  hand  and  passed  on.  I thought  at  the  time  that 
he  was  rather  loud-moutlied  in  his  pity,  and  that  he  brandished 
his  bank-note  in  the  faces  of  the  crowd  that  had  gathered 
twice  or  thrice  too  many  times,  but  he  gave  the  five  dollars. 
I was  astonished,  and  confess  grieved,  on  tracking  this  charity 
to  its  hole,  — for  it  ended  in  a hole,  — to  find  that  he  paid  the  vil- 
lage editor  twice  the  amount  of  the  gift  to  have  a circumstan- 
tial account  of  the  transaction  published  to  the  world.  I was 
more  astonished  and  more  grieved  at  unearthing  the  fact  that 
he  had  arranged  with  the  mendicant  to  fall  where  he  did,  that 
a crowd  might  be  gathered  to  witness  his  generosity.  I no- 
ticed also  that  the  fifteen  dollars  had  been  well  expended,  for 
his  store  was  crowded  for  a week. 

Bibney’s  wife  belonged  to  the  Presbyterian  church,  but  he 
attended  them  all.  He  had  the  reputation  of  giving  liberally 
to  all,  but  the  acute  man  managed  to  maintain  a reputation  for 
liberality  without  giving  to  any.  The  Presbyterians  never  got 
anything,  ‘‘for  you  know,”  he  would  say,  “I  have  to  give  to 
all  of  them,  and  really  it  is  too  much  of  a tax.”  To  the  others 
he  would  plead  his  wife’s  membership  with  the  Presbyterians, 
and  the  fact  that  it  took  all  that  he  could  afford  from  other  chari- 
ties to  keep  our  own  church  going.”  I saw  him  once  walk 
a square  out  of  his  way  for  a week  to  avoid  the  necessity  of 
dropping  a small  coin  into  the  box  of  a disabled  soldier,  who 
was  grinding  a livelihood  out  of  an  exasperating  hand-organ. 

I found  an  admiiuble  contrast  to  Bibney  in  Mrs.  Virginia 
Swan,  the  gifted  writer  of  spiritual  hymns.  “ There,”  said  I 
to  myself,  “ must  be  a perfect  character.  These  outgushings 
of  love  for  her  kind,  these  verses  swelling  with  love,  gen- 
tleness, and  goodness,  can  only  flow  from  a pure  soul.  The 
fountain  must  be  pure  if  the  stream  is.”  I found  that  this 
theory  will  do  better  in  the  matter  of  streams  than  in  souls  — 
that  very  barren  souls  are  full  of  sentiment,  and  gush,  and 
gush,  and  do  nothing  else.  When  I got  to  the  bottom  of 
it,  I found  that  Mrs.  Swan  wrote  her  beautiful  spiritual  hymns 
in  the  coldest-blooded  business  way  imaginable.  She  panted 
for  fame,  and  had  the  knack  of  writing  hymns.  Determined  to 
make  a name,  she  commenced  writing  comic  songs,  and  would 
have  continued  had  she  made  a success.  But  she  did  not ; 


710 


MESSRS.  BLACK  AND  KITT. 


and  she  attempted  blood-and-thunder  novels,  till  Sylvanus 
Cobb  drove  her  from  that  field,  when  she  struck  the  spiritual 
vein,  and  worked  it  to  great  advantage.  She  would  have  writ- 
ten bacchanalian  odes  just  as  soon  if  it  would  have  given  her 
the  same  notoriety.  The  soul  of  the  poetess  would  shed  the 
sweetest  charity,  and  pity,  and  love,  and  so  forth,  but  the  hand 
of  the  poetess  never  shed  bread  and  meat  and  potatoes  enough 
to  keep  her  servant  girl  plump  in  her  clothes.  I was  com- 
pelled to  give  her  up.  Spiritual  hymns  can’t  be  offset  against 
starving  servant  girls,  until  the  reading  of  spiritual  hymns 
will  make  them  as  plump  as  will  the  meat  and  potatoes  they 
ought  to  have. 

The  Reverend  Elnathan  Black,  I thought,  would  help  me  out 
of  my  trouble,  for  he  had  always  been  to  me  the  chief  among 
ten  thousand,  and  the  one  altogether  lovely.  I supposed  him 
to  be  a perfect  man,  if  such  there  could  be  on  the  face  of  the 
earth.  But,  alas  ! I was  mistaken  in  this  as  in  everything  else. 
A close  examination  — a little  stripping  off  of  veneering  here, 
and  a little  digging  out  of  putty  there,  showed  me  the  ugliest 
and  most  ungainly  piece  of  moral  furniture  I had  ever  seen. 
He  had  plastered  pretence  over  meanness,  and  his  protesta- 
tions of  goodness  covered  his  daily  violation  of  everything 
good.  He  wore  his  piety  on  the  same  principle  that  governed 
the  Quaker  when  he  said  to  his  son,  “John,  if  thee  has  a par- 
ticularly bad  horse  to  trade  off,  put  on  thy  broadest  hat.”  The 
Elder  always  had  a bad  horse  to  trade  off,  and  he  wore,  habit- 
ually, a broad  hat,  and  an  ugly  looking  sinner  he  was  with- 
out it. 

Deacon  Kitt  served  to  prolong  my  investigation  just  a min- 
ute. Professing  temperance  in  all  things,  he  was  a glutton, 
and  carried  a red  nose.  He  took  his  rations  regularly,  but  not 
honestly.  He  did  not  confess  to  himself  that  he  really  loved 
stimulants,  but  he  was  perpetually  persuading  himself  that  he 
had  the  dyspepsia,  and  needed  it.  He  wasn’t  ingenious  even 
in  his  excuses  for  dritiking,  for  when  reproached  with  taking 
liquor  raw,  he  stammeringly  replied  that  he  didn’t  dare  to  put 
water  in  it  for  fear  of  dropsy.  His  entire  devotion  to  drink  I 
noticed  the  first  time  the  unsophisticated  man  was  given  a 
mint  julep,  which  he  said  he  took  for  dyspepsia.  With  the 


POLITICAL  SIN  AT  HOME. 


711 


taste  of  the  delicious  compound  titillating  his  palate,  — the 
coolness  of  the  ice  struggling  with  the  genial  warmth  of  the 
liquor,  — the  fragrance  of  the  mint  assailing  one  sense,  while 
the  other  ingredients  held  mastery  over  the  others,  the  poor 
man  dropped  his  glass  and  burst  into  tears.  And  there  ain’t 
none  of  this  in  the  next  world,”  gasped  he.  I never  dreaded 
death  as  much  as  now.”  He  was  trying  to  deceive  the  world, 
and  succeeded,  as  is  always  the  case,  in  deceiving  himself. 
His  neighbors  were  certain  of  his  being  a confirmed  drunkard, 
long  before  he  began  to  suspect  it. 

I was  by  this  time  in  a state  of  disgust.  I had  gone  abroad 
for  sin,  and  had  found  it;  and  I had  found  under  my  very  nose 
almost  every  sin  that  had  startled  me  abroad.  But  one  thought 
gave  me  comfort  — there  could  be  no  political  iniquity  in  our 
community. 

Walking  out  one  afternoon,  I found  myself  in  a crowd,  who 
were  listening  to  an  orator,  who  proved  to  be  none  other  than 
Cicero  Leatherlungs,  my  cousin,  who  had  served  one  term  in 
Congress,  and  was  a candidate  for  re-election.  1 had  never 
given  Cicero  credit  for  being  much  of  a patriot,  and  was 
therefore  delighted  at  the  amount  of  it  he  exhibited,  as  well 
as  with  the  eloquence  with  which  he  adorned  it.  He  de- 
nounced, in  burning  words,  the  corruption  of  which  his  op- 
ponent had  been  guilty  — the  said  denunciation  including  not 
only  the  particular  species  of  corruption  his  opponent  was 
charged  with  practising,  but  all  other  kinds.  Particularly  was 
the  use  of  money  in  elections  denounced  as  anti  republican, 
and  calculated  to  sap  the  very  foundations  of  the  government. 
I was  so  delighted  at  this,  that  the  very  moment  he  had 
finished  I rushed  up  to  congratulate  him.  Your  noble 
sentiments,”  I said, — but  I never  finished  the  sentence.  He 
hurried  away  to  a tavern  hard  by  to  meet  his  committee.  I 
followed  and  got  inside  just  in  time  to  see  that  pure  patriot  — 
that  incorruptible  man  — pull  from  his  breast  pocket  a plethoric 
pocket-book,  and  distribute  money  to  the  most  villanous  and 
brutish  men  I had  ever  seen,  and  of  whose  existence  I had 
been  ignorant  up  to  this  moment.  He  gave  this  one  one  hun- 
dred dollars  to  be  offered  Jones  for  the  use  of  his  doggery  on 
election  day ; that  one  fifty  dollars  to  keep  the  Irish  laborers 


712 


THE  PURE  CICERO. 


in  Johnson’s  stone-quarry  drunk  till  after  they  had  voted ; 
another  one  hundred  dollars  for  carriages  and  men  to  bring  to 
the  polls  the  idiots  and  lunatics  from  such  of  the  county  poor- 
houses  as  were  under  the  control  of  his  friends  ; winding  up 
with  the  remark,  as  he  put  up  his  *’ pocket-book,  that  by  the 
time  he  got  the  other  four  counties  fixed,  he  would  have  spent 
every  last  cent  of  the  money  he  got  for  his  vote  in  favor  of  the 
Aurora  Borealis  Railroad  Land  Grant. 

These  things  had  all  been  charged  upon  Cicero,  and  I dis- 
covered that  the  best  and  most  intelligent  of  his  supporters 
knew  the  charges  to  be  true ; but  they  were  supporting  him 
nevertheless,  for  he  was  “ our  candidate.” 

But  how  came  so  bad  a man  to  be  our  candidate  ? ” I 
asked : the  answer  to  which  was,  that  when  he  was  nominated 
the  first  time  his  worthlessness  was  not  known  ; that  when 
his  bad  qualities  were  discovered,  he  declined  to  be  dropped. 
He  had  the  appointing  of  all  the  Federal  officers  in  the  Dis- 
trict ; — these  officials  were  strong  and  active  enough  to  con- 
trol the  conventions  that  nominate  candidates  for  the  elective 
offices,  and  these  two  classes  of  officials  control  the  Congres- 
sional nominating  convention.  In  short,  I ascertained  the 
important  fact  that,  let  a bad  man  once  get  into  Congress, 
he  can,  if  he  is  shrewd,  stay  there  a long  time,  for  the 
government  kindly  furnishes  him  the  means  to  perpetuate 
his  stay. 

By  this  time  I had  determined  in  my  own  mind  that  there 
wasn’t  a particle  more  of  sin  abroad  than  at  home.  Every  sin 
that  I discovered  abroad,  I found  duplicated  at  home,  and  its 
growth  was  just  as  rank  and  vigorous.  The  plant  was  native 
to  all  soils  : the  only  difference  was  in  size,  resulting  from  the 
strength  or  weakness  of  the  soil  in  which  it  was  planted. 

Grieved  as  I was,  I took  comfort  in  the  thought  that  I,  at 
least,  was  free  from  it.  That  thought  gave  me  unspeakable 
happiness,  and  I determined  that  my  household  should  be 
as  free  from  it  as  myself. 

My  wife  was  a woman,  and  I noticed  that  she  nourished  all 
the  follies  of  the  sex.  She  was  as  extravagant  in  dress  as  any 
of  her  friends,  and  I took  her  to  task  for  it.  I told  her  that 
there  were  thousands  of  suffering  poor  in  the  world  whose 


713 


A wife’s  faults. 

necessities  could  be  relieved  by  a tithe  of  what  she  wore  that 
was  unnecessary.  I reminded  her  of  the  fact  that  flounces, 
furbelows,  jeweliy,  false  hair,  &c.,  were  totally  useless,  and 
could  be  dispensed  with  as’well  as  not,  and  how  much  better 
w^ould  it  be  to  use  the  money  they  cost  in  charitable  works. 
And  I showered  over  her  much  wisdom  of  this  kind.  She  was 
an  obedient  wife,  and  bowing  her  head  submissively,  retired  to 
her  room,  from  which  she  emerged  in  a few  minutes.  She  had 
carried  out  my  wishes  to  the  letter.  She  was  without  hoops, 
and  her  dress  hung  limp  about  her  person.  Her  chignon, 
which  was  her  crowning  glory,  was  gone,  and  her  natural  hair 
was  twisted  into  a small  and  insignificant  knot  at  the  back  of 
her  head.  She  had  no  collar,  no  cuffs,  no  rings,  pins,  in  short 
she  was  divested  of  all  those  helps  to  figure  and  form  which 
the  sex  know  so  well  how  to  employ. 

Ordinarily  she  was  counted  a handsome  woman  ; — as  she 
stood  before  me  in  that  shape,  I confess  I was  astounded  at 
her  superlative  ugliness. 

Come,”  said  she,  meekly.  It  is  time  we  were  on  our  way 
to  the  concert.” 

I did  not  go  to  the  concert  with  my  wife  in  that  guise.  On 
the  contrary,  with  much  hemming  and  hawing,  — for  no  man 
likes  to  go  hack  on  himself,  — 1 meekly  asked  her  to  resume  her 
natural  garb. 

My  experiment  at  reform  with  the  female  part  of  my  house- 
hold had  the  appearance  of  a failure.  1 was  compelled  to  con- 
fess that,  after  all,  we,  the  stronger  sex,  who  rail  at  the  extrava- 
gance of  women,  are'in  the  main  responsible  for  it ; that  the 
average  woman  dresses  herself  more  to  please  the  average 
man  than  to  please  herself ; and  further,  that  the  average  man 
likes  her  a thousand  times  better  for  the  additional  beauty 
and  grace  that  dress  gives  her,  all  of  which  she  perfectly 
understands. 

Still  I felt  that  the  wants  of  the  poor  must  be  relieved,  and 
that  the  relief  ought  to  come  out  of  our  superfluities.  I there- 
fore nerved  myself  to  make  a sacrifice.  I sold  my  gold  watch 
and  purchased  a silver  one  in  its  stead,  and  the  difference  — I 
invested  in  government  bonds,  which  were  at  that  time  at  a 
discount,  with  a certainty  of  a rise. 


714 


A CLOSER  INVESTIGATION. 


My  habit  of  investigation  had  got  possession  of  me.  While  I 
was  congratulating  myself  on  my  righteousness,  and  deploring 
every  one  else’s  sin,  it  so  happened  that  1 was  bargaining  for 
a piece  of  real  estate  adjoining  my  own.  In  the  course  of  the 
making  of  the  bargain,  I caught  myself  deliberately  underrat- 
ing the  property,  and  most  zealously  endeavoring  to  get  it  for 
less  than  I knew  it  to  be  worth.  My  late  experience  had  given 
me  a sharp  scent  for  sin,  and  I had  learned  to  detect  it  at  sight. 
I was  astonished  at  the  richness  of  the  vein  1 struck,  even 
in  myself.  I found  that  in  my  own  case  I had  mistaken  dys- 
pepsia for  humility,  obstinacy  for  devotion  to  principle,  and 
conceit  for  righteousness  generally.  I found,  for  instance, 
that  my  sternness  in  withstanding  public  opinion  was  not  so 
much  the  willingness  to  be  sacrificed  for  the  sake  of  right,  as 
it  was  a mule-like  disposition  to  stay  where  I had  planted  my 
hoofs,  from  sheer  stubbornness  in  refusing  to  admit  that  I had 
ever  been  or  ever  could  be  in  the  wrong.  I recalled  the  con- 
versation I had  with  my  neighbor  on  the  subject  of  the  land, 
and,  to  my  horror,  1 found  that  within  twenty-four  hours  I had 
told  sixty  lies  direct ; one  hundred  and  thirty  by  implication, 
and  had  made  two  hundred  misrepresentations,  whicTi  the 
recording  angel  doubtless  counted  as  lies,  though  in  this  world 
of  gigantic  falsification  they  hardly  rise  to  that  dignity.  I 
lied  because  I coveted  ray  neighbor's  land  — two  sins  in  one. 
In  what  am  I better  than  Robinson. 

The  very  next  day  I found  myself  paying  too  close  attention 
to  the  wile  of  my  neighbor  Ames  — Ames  being  in  California, 
and  Mrs.  Ames  being  a beautiful  woman  ; and  one  more  of  the 
pillars  of  my  sell-righteousness  was  knocked  out  from  under 
me.  That  same  afternoon,  in  paying  a note,  1 permitted  a 
mistake  made  by  the  holder  thereof  in  computing  interest 
to  go  uncorrected,  and  I was  compelled  to  confess  myself 
a thief. 

The  next  day  I tarried  two  hours  and  a half  at  dinner, 
which  stamped  me  as  much  of  a glutton  as  Kitt.  When  the 
blessing  was  asked,  reference  was  made  therein  to  Providence 
for  his  good  gifts.  I only  thought  how  good  Providence  was 
that  gave  us  asparagus  in  the  spring,  then  in  succession  green 
peas,  strawberries,  grapes,  oysters,  spareribs,  hot  whiskey,  and 


THE  MAN  OF  SIN  FOUND. 


715 


so  on,  an  unending  round  of  something  good  to  eat  and 
drink.  1 was  no  better  in  this  than  Kitt  — not  a particle. 
That  very  evening  1 colored  the  statement  of  the  trouble 
of  a neighbor,  whom  I did  not  like,  to  his  great  disadvan- 
tage, and  brought  myself  in  guilty  of  bearing  false  witness 
against  my  neighbor;  I caught  m}^selfin  church  estimating  the 
probable  profits  of  a business  operation  I had  just  concluded; 
which  satisfied  me  that  I had  other  gods  than  the  one  Living 
One ; in  short,  I discovered  the  alarming  fact,  that  every 
day  of  my  life  I committed  all  the  sins  in  the  Decalogue. 
I had  been  horrified  at  the  sin  I had  seen  away ; more  so 
at  learning  that  all  I had  seen  abroad  was  going  on  regularly 
at  home  ; and  still  more  so  to  find  that  all  I had  found  away  and 
at  home  existed  in  full  force  and  vigor  in  myself;  that  I 
cherished  and  practised  in  one  form  or  another  every  sin 
that  I had  seen  in  anybody  else.  And  what  humbled  me 
was  the  fact,  that  the  knowledge  that  1 had  all  these  moral 
blemishes  was  not  confined  to  myself  My  discovery  of  the 
fact  was  recent  — ‘my  neighbors  had  always  known  it. 

I at  last  found  the  man  of  sin.  I was  the  man.  I am 
now  busily  engaged  in  reforming,  — not  the  world,  but  myself, 
— and  I hope  I am  succeeding.  I succeeded  in  checking 
myself  in  time  to  save  lies  only  yesterday  ; I am  now  correct- 
ing all  errors  in  accounts  that  are  in  my  favor ; in  short,  by 
dint  of  hard  work  and  careful  watching,  I have  got  to  a point 
of  excellence  where  it  is  perfectly  safe  to  say  , that  I am  no 
longer  distinctively  ‘‘  the  man  of  sin.”  My  hearers,  all  of  you 
who  try  hard  enough  and  watch  closely  enough,  may,  in  the 
course  of  a great  many  years,  if  you  are  gifted  and  have 
patience,  get  to  be  as  good  as  I am.  I know  you  will  shrink 
from  a task  so  apparently  hopeless,  but  I assure  you  the  re- 
ward is  great  enough  to  justify  the  trial. 


APPENDIX 


Our  apology  for  inserting,  just  before  the  title  in  this  volume, 
the  page  (if  torn  out  by  interested  parties,  as  possibly  it  may  be,  we 
will  supply  it  upon  application)  containing  a caution  to  persons 
wishing  to  procure  the  work,  and  also  for  calling  your  attention  to 
some  matters  pertaining  to  the  business  of  publishing  and  intro- 
ducing books,  is,  that  we  can  devise  no" other  means  which  we  deem 
so  effectual  to  protect  our  business  from  the  aggressions  of  dishonest 
parties;  and  although  this  method  may  seem  in  bad  taste,  yet  we 
feel  warranted  in  using  it,  hoping  hereby  to  aid  in  correcting  certain 
existing  evils  pertaining  to  the  business. 

In  this  country  there  are  two  ways  in  which  books  are  introduced 
to  the  public : one  is,  where  they  are  sold  through  bookstores,  which 
is  known  as  the  trade  method;  the  other  is,  where  they  are  sold 
only  (or  intended  to  be)  by  canvassing  agents,  which  is  called  the 
subscription  system. 

We  are  engaged  in  tlie  latter;  and  what  we  complain  of,  not  only 
in  our  own  interest,  but  in  .the  interest  of  others  who  have  exhausted 
every  expedient  they  could  devise  to  keep  their  publications  from 
being  sold  in  bookstores,  is  this  : That  some  booksellers  (there  are 
many  honorable  exceptions),  in  collusion  with  dishonest  general  and 
sub-agents,  or  professed  agents,  for  subscription  books,  are  per- 
sistently and  maliciously  warring  upon  it  by  unfair  and  fraudulent 
means,  with  the  avowed  purpose  of  injuring  the  business  of  the  sub- 
scription publishers  as  much  as  possible,  and  at  the  same  time  mak- 
ing a profit  in  the  transaction.  They  recognize  the  fact  that  for 
introducing  certain  classes  of  books  it  possesses  great  advantnges 
over  the  other  method,  and  hence  should  be  strangled  lest  it  takes 
too  large  a portion  of  the  loaf  they  desire  to  monopolize;  and  to  do 
this  they  resort  to  various  means  that  will  not  render  them  amenable 
to  the  law,  without  regard  to  fairness  or  honesty. 

That  it  does  possess  such  advantages  is  best  evidenced  by  the  fact 
that  almost  every  extensive  trade  publishing  house  in  America  has 
brought  out  and  introduced  more  or  less  books  in  this  manner. 

As  booksellers  are  able  to  procure  most  subscription  works  only 
through  a dishonest  channel,  except  possibly  occasional  second-hand 
ones,  a few  of  them  make  tools  of  some  genend  and  sub-agents,  or 

716 


I 


APPENDIX.  71T 

professed  agents,  and  tlius  obtain  this  class  of  works  with  whicb  to 
supply  the  trade.  These  agents  are  usually  the  most  culpable  parties 
to  the  transaction,  as  they  know  the  publishers  of  most,  if  not  all,  of 
such  works  intend  them  to  be  sold  only  by  subscription,  and  generally 
these  parties  who  betray  subscription  publishers,  are  either  under 
bonds,  or  bound  by  a written  or  verbal  agreement,  to  furnish  the 
books  only  to  bona  tide  subscribers,  and  not  directly  or  indirectly  to 
booksellers  ; and  the  latter  usually  know  the  fact,  but  notwithstand- 
ing all  this  they  have  practised  for  years  past  this  method  of  obtain- 
ing subscription  publications  to  sell  from  their  counters.  We  have 
known  them,  when  unable  to  find  an  agent  sufficiently  pliable  for 
their  purposes,  to  induce  a party  engaged  in  another  pursuit,  and 
who  had  no  intention  of  canvassing,  to  take  the  agency,  under  an 
assumed  name,  and  though  under  agreement  to  sell  the  books  only 
to  bona  fide  subscribers,  which  they  well  knew,  to  represent  to  the 
publishers  that  he  had  secured  many  genuine  orders,  procure  of 
them  a large  number  of  books,  and  immediately  turn  them  over  to 
the  instigators  of  this  fraudulent  transaction.  We  have  also  known 
them  to  induce  a clerk,  employed  in  their  store,  to  take  an  agency, 
under  a like  agreement,  for  a subscription  work  published  at  some 
place  remote  from  them  (if  too  near  home  the  danger  of  detection  is 
so  great  as  to  check  this  practice),  and  to  obtain  the  books  and  dis- 
pose of  them  in  the  same  way. 

We  have  likewise  known  of  a bookseller,  who,  under  a fictitious 
name,  secured  an  agency  by  representing  that  he  wished  to  canvass, 
and  then  in  due  time  pretending  that  lie  had  many  subscribers,  to 
obtain  the  books  and  dispose  of  them  in  ]uart  at  retail  in  his  store, 
and  the  balance  to  other  booksellers.  In  fact,  these  and  similar  dis- 
honest expedients  for  obtaining  this  class  of  works  to  be  sold  in  this 
manner,  are  continually  practised,  and  most  of  them  so  sold  are 
thus  obtained.  We  have  known  instances  where  agents  were  en- 
gaged in  selling  new  and  popular  subscription  books  at  the  regular 
retail  prices,  and  the  same  works  at  the  same  time  and  place  were 
being  conspicuously  exposed  for  sale  in  bookstores,  with  labels  on 
them  offering  them  at  a price  fifty  cents  a volume  less.  W e apprehend 
the  profit  in  such  cases  was  not  the  object  the  booksellers  had  in 
view,  for  they  might  just  as  readily  have  obtained  the  regular  price, 
as  the  books  were  in  great  demand.  This  and  other  facts  induce  us 
to  believe  and  affirm,  that  some  booksellers  are  deliberately  doing 
all  they  can  to  work  injury  to  the  subscription  business. 

The  chief  reasons  why  we,  and  others  likewise  engaged,  object  to 
our  publications  being  sold  in  bookstores,  are,  first,  it  negatives 
the  theory  on  which  the  business  is  based ; second,  it  seriously 


718 


APPENDIX. 


interferes  with  tlie  success  of  canvassers  .by  greatly  diminishing  their 
sales,  and  otherwise  ; and  third,  many  of  the  best  agents  in  the  coun- 
try will  only  introduce  a book  while  it  is  kept  out  of  bookstores, 
and  as  soon  as  it  gets  to  be  generally  on  sale  there,  they  decline 
longer  to  solicit  for  it.  When  this  condition  of  affairs  arises,  the  sub- 
scri]3tion  publisher  not  only  loses  many  of  his  best  agents,  but  is 
otherwise  materially  damaged.  The  public  are  also  unfavorably 
affected  in  several  .ways. 

Aside  from  our  own  interests,  we  particularly  desire,  in  the  interest 
of  our  best  agents,  to  keep  our  publications  from  being  sold  in  book- 
stores. This  class  of  canvassers  never  annoy  people,  but  in  all 
respects  conduct  their  business  as  they  should.  It  is  the  least 
efficient  class  — only  those  who  do  not  understand  their  business  — 
that  render  themselves  offensive ; and  the  condition  of  things  of  which 
we  complain  tends  to  make  such  agents,  and  to  sustain  them. 

We  protest  against  these  unfair,  disreputable,  and  dishonest  prac- 
tices. If  we  expend  thousands  of  dollars  in  making  stereotype  or 
electrotype  plates  of  a book,  we  claim  the  right  to  introduce  the 
book  printed  from  them  in  the  manner  which  the  best  interests  of 
our  business  require,  without  interference  from  booksellers,  who  can 
only  obtain  them  (unless  they  be  second  hand)  through  some  one 
of  these  channels;  not  otherwise.  Were  it  possible  for  our  books  to 
reach  them  through  any  honest  channel,  then  they  would  of  course 
be  justified  in  selling  them. 

As  possibly  the  reader  may  infer  from  the  position  here  taken  by 
us,  that  we  desire  to  deprive  people  of  books  they  may  wish  to 
obtain,  we  will  state  that  so  far  from  that  being  the  case,  on  the  con- 
trary, we  would  gladly  put  our  publications  into  every  household  in 
the  country,  but  wish  to  do  it  in  our  own  way,  that  the  true  interests 
of  the  public,  as  well  as  our  own,  may  be  subserved.  Any  person 
wishing  a book  has  only  to  inform  us,  and  we  will  request  an  agent 
to  call  and  deliver  it,  and  we  have  no  doubt  all  subscription  publish- 
ers will  do  the  same. 

It  was  not  our  intention  to  press  this  matter  farther;  but  lest  any 
should  get  the  impression  that  subscription  books  are  sold  at  a 
higher  price  than  trade  books,  and  that  on  this  account  we  are  un- 
willing to  compete  with  the  trade  in  open  market,  we  offer  the  fol- 
lowing facts,  leaving  the  readers  to  form  their  conclusions. 

Books  are  printed  from  stereotype  or  electrotype  plates.  The  type 
is  first  set  up,  and  from  it  solid  castings,  called  plates,  are  made  of 
type-metal,  one  to  every  page.  The  illustrations  are  designed  by  one 
class  of  artists,  engraved  by  another,  and  castings  from  them  also 
made.  This  is  a very  expensive  process,  the  castings  from  which 


APPENDIX. 


719 


to  print  a well-illnstrated  subscription  book,  of  ordinary  size,  costing 
several  thousand  dollars.  These  castings,  aside  from  their  value  for 
this  purpose,  are  worth  only  their  weight  as  old  metal.  Those  cost- 
ing five  thousand  dollars  are  worth  about  a hundred  dollars  as 
metal ; hence,  speaking  in  a general  way,  the  cost  of  these  castings  is 
money  absolutely  lost,  if  the  book  does  not  sell ; if  it  does,  then  the 
publisher  must  put  such  a price  on  it  as  will  repay  this  outlay,  in  ad- 
dition to  making  a legitimate  profit.  Now,  suppose  the  castings  for 
a book  to  cost  five  thousand  dollars,  and  ten  thousand  volumes  to  be 
sold  through  bookstores  ; each  book  must  j>ay  a profit  of  fifty  cents, 
to  repay  the  original  outlay.  The  same  book,  properly  managed 
and  sold  by  subscrij)tion,  if  of  the  class  suited  to  that  business,  can 
be  given  a sale  five  times  as  large  (we  speak  much  within  bounds), 
and  therefore  the  profit  requisite  to  repay  this  outlay  is  but  ten  cents 
a volume,  which  makes  a sa\dng  of  forty  cents  on  each  book. 

Again,  authors  are  paid  a copyright,  generally  of  a certain  sum  on 
every  volume  sold.  They  know  the  immense  sale  usually  given  a 
subscription  book,  and  that  they  can  better  afford  to  receive  a small 
copyright  per  volume,  on  a book  so  sold,  than  a large  one  were 
it  introduced  through  bookstores.  However,  as  the  copyright  is 
usually  the  subject  of  a sj)ecial  bargain,  varying,  perhaps,  with  every 
book,  we  have  no  sufficient  basis  from  which  to  draw  absolutely 
correct  conclusions  ; but  we  think  it  fair  to  assume  that  an  author 
whose  book  can  be  given  by  subscription  a sale  of  fifty  thousand 
volumes,  when  through  bookstores  it  would  only  be  ten  thousand, 
will  take  a copyright  of  ten  cents  a volume,  if  sold  in  the  former,  as 
readily  as  he  will  thirty,  were  it  sold  in  the  latter  way ; for  even 
then  his  receipts  will  be  nearly  double.  Here  is  a saving  of  twenty 
cents,  making  in  all  a saving  of  sixty  cents  a volume  in  favor  of  the 
subscription  publisher.  Further,  a book  introduced  through  book- 
stores usually  has  to  pay  the  following  profits  : First,  that  of  the 
publisher;  second,  that  of  the  jobber;  third,  that  of  the  retailer;  and 
often  the  publisher  is  compelled,  at  great  cost,  to  advertise  it  ex- 
tensively, or  it  does  not  sell.  Moreover,  these  parties  generally  oc- 
cupy fine  stores,  on  popular  thoroughfares,  in -expensive  localities, 
besides  employing  high-salaried  clerks.  All  these  expenses  the 
book  has  to  bear  before  it  reaches  the  public. 

Now,  contrast  it  with  our  subscription  books.  We  make  our 
profit,  and  so  does  the  canvasser.  Usually,  the  agent  is  the  only 
party  between  the  producer  and  consumer.  The  canvassers  advertise 
our  books  by  showing  and  ex])laining  them,  thereby  saving  us  the 
expense  of  advertising  in  newspapei  s,  which  we  do  to  a very  limited 
extent,  and  then  only  for  agents,  and  not  to  create  a demand  for  our 


720 


APPENDIX. 


books.  The  agent  1ms  no  rent  to  pay  for  a place  of  business,  and 
we  occupy  unostentatious  warerooms,  in  comparatively  inexpensive 
localities  ; our  business  requires  no  better,  for  our  dealings  are  most- 
ly with  canvassers  through  the  mails ; and,  finally,  we  do  not  have 
to  keep,  to  wait  upon  customers,  a corps  of  clerks  receiving  good 
salaries,  who  are  idle  a part  of  the  time.  Besides  all  this,  the  sale 
of  subscription  books  being  so  large,  they  can  safely  be  manufactured 
in  large  editions,  and  a saving  thus  be  made. 

We  trust  the  reader  can  now  understand  how  we  can  at  least  afford 
to  give  the  public  books  as  good  in  every  respect,  and  at  as  low  a 
price,  as  publishers  who  sell  their  works  only  through  bookstores. 
We  believe  subscription  publishers,  if  the  works  they  issue  are  suited 
to  that  business,  can  afford  to  give  the  community  a better  book  for 
the  same  price,  or  one  equally  good  for  a lower  price,  than  other 
publishers. 

To  sum  up,  we  will  state  our  conviction  that  for  introducing  many 
classes  of  books  the  subscription  system  has  numerous  advantages 
over  the  other  method.  It  is  best  for  the  author,  because  he  knows 
that  if  he  produces  a valuable  book,  it  will  not  only  be  published,  but 
will  be  given  a large  sale,  and  his  copyright  will  yield  him  a large 
sum  ; hence,  it  acts  as  an  incentive  for  him  to  produce  the  best  work 
possible  ; the  better  the  book,  the  larger  his  returns.  Best  for  the 
publisher,  because  he  knows  that  if  he  has  a good  book,  he  can  afford 
to  illustrate  it  well,  and  bring  it  before  the  public  in  the  most  attrac- 
tive and  desirable  form,  all  of  which  will  tend  to  increase  its. sale  and 
his  profits.  Best  for  the  agent,  because  it  affords  him  aducrative, 
honorable,  and  pleasant  calling,  that  may  be  followed  for  life  in  a 
chosen  territorjq  protected  from  intrusion  by  others.  He  not  only 
gets  the  profit  that  would  otherwise  go  to  the  retail  bookseller,  but 
also  a portion  of  the  large  sums  that  would  be  expended  in  adver- 
tising to  bring  it  to  the  attention  of  the  public.  And  finally,  best 
for  the  buyer,  for  he  gets  many  excellent  books  whose  authors  could 
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trust  to  the  sale  through  bookstores  to  reimburse  him;  and,  more- 
over, usually  they  are  works  of  a better  class,  better  written,  more 
profusely  and  elegantly  illustrated,  and  better  gotten  up  generally, 
than  many  “ trade  books  ” that  are  sold  for  the  same  price.  Besides, 
they  are  brought  to  the  door  of  the  purchaser,  which  is  a great  con- 
venience to  persons  living  in  the  rural  districts. 

I.  N.  RICHARDSON  & CO. 


SOON  READY, 


A NEW  BOOK 


BY 


REV.  W.  H.  H.  MURRAY, 


NE  of  the  freshest,  most  original,  and  piquant  of  writers,  as  well  as  one  of 


the  keenest  observers  of  men  and  nature  in  America.  Critics,  who  have 
read  the  manuscript  or  proof-pages  of  this  new  book,  pronounce  it  superior  to 
any  thing  the  author  has  written,  or  any  work  of  its  kind  produced  by  an  American 
writer.  The  culture,  knowledge  of  men  and  books  and  nature,  evinced  therein, 
will  commend  it  to  the  refined  and  educated  classes,  and  agents  will  find  great 
advantages  in  presenting  it.  Its  high  purpose,  moral  tone,  and  intense  interest 
will  commend  it  to  all.  Mr.  Murray  has  given  to  this  volume  his  best  thoughts  ; 
and  in  some  respects  it  may  be  considered  his  life  work. 

His  book,  “ Among  the  Adirondacks,”  though  not  published  by  subscription, 
had  a remarkable  sale.  The  present  work  is  incomparably  better,  and  should 
have  an  immense  circulation. 

The  mechanical  execytion  of  the  book  will  be  superior  to  any  thing  we  have 
ever  issued,  and  not  surpassed  by  any  publication  we  have  knowledge  ofi 


SOLD  ONLY  BY  SUBSCBIPTION. 

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NOW  IS  THE  TIME  TO  ENGAGE  TERRITORY. 


AUTHOR  OF 


“Among  the  Adirondacks'.' 


Address, 


/.  n.  RICHARDSON  & GO., 


BOSTOH,  MASS. 


731 


Illustrated  Bible  Biography; 

OR,  THE 

LIVES  AW  CHARACTERS  OF  THE  PRINCIPAL  PERSONAGES 
RECORDED  IN  THE  SACRED  WRITINGS. 

WITH  AN  INTRODUCTION 

BY  REV.  HENRY  WARE)  BEECHER, 

AND  AN  APPENDIX, 

Containing  30  Dissertations  on  the  Evidences_of  Divine  Revelation. 

EMBELLISHED  WITH 

UPWARDS  OP  TWO  HUNDRED  AND  PIETY  ENGRAVINGS, 

Illustrative  of  Scripture  Scenes,  Manners,  Customs,  &c., 

By  GUSTAVE  DORE,  the  Greatest  of  Living  Designers, 

AND  OTHER  EMINENT  ARTISTS. 

TOGETHER  WITH 

A PRESENTATION  PACE, 

BY  THOMAS  NAST,  THE  CELEBRATED  AMERICAN  ARTIST. 

Elegant  Royal-octavo  V olume. 


This  work  combines  Biography  and  History, — the  most  valuable  results  of 
the  study,  on  Biblical  subjects,  of  many  eminent  divines.  Also  important 
information,  which  cannot  be  found  elsewhere  without  great  research.  It  is  of 
great  value  both  as  a book  of  reference  and  for  general  reading. 

Its  value  in  the  family  circle  cannot  be  over  estimated,  as  it  shows  vividly  the 
motives  and  actions  of  the  leading  characters  in  the  Old  and  New 
Testaments,  and  gives  the  reader  a realizing  sense  of  past  events,  impressing 
their  naturalness  and  truthfulness  upon  the  mind,  thereby  leading  to  reflection 
and  study  upon  religious  topics. 

The  fact  that  Rev.  Henry  Ward  Beecher  has  contributed  to  its  contents 
is  a guarantee  of  its  great  intrinsic  value. 


SOLD  ONLY  TO  SUBSCRIBERS. 

AGENTS  WANTED. 


L N.  RICHARDSON  & CO., 

BOSTON,  MASS. 


722 


THE  SOLDIER’S  STORY 

OF  HIS  CAPTIVITY  AT 

Andersonville,  Belle  Isle,  and  other  Rebel  Prisons. 

BEING  A TRUTHFUL  NARRATIVE  OF  THE  SUFFERINGS  AND 
HEROISM  OF  OUR  PATRIOTIC  SOLDIERS  CONFINED 
IN  SOUTHERN  PRISONS. 

BY  WARBEN  LEE  QOSS, 

WHO  WAS  “twice  a PRISONER  IN  REBEL  HANDS,”  AND  INCARCERATED  FOR  A PERIOD 
OF  ABOUT  FOURTEEN  MONTHS. 


WITH  AN  APPENDIX, 

Containing  the  Names  of  about  Thirteen  Thousand  Union  Soldiers 
who  Died  at  Andersonville, 

With  their  rank,  the  numbers  of  their  graves,  the  companies  and  regiments  to 
which  they  belonged,  the  dates  of  their  decease,  and  the  diseases  of  which 
they  died.  Arranged  alphabetically,  by  States  and  by  names. 

AND  ALSO 

MANY  CERTIFICATES  TO  THE  TRUTHFULNESS  OF  THE  BOOK. 


EMBELLISHED  WITH 

A BEAUTIFUL  PRESENTATION  PAGE,  AND  FOUR  FULL-PAGE  ILLUSTRATIONS, 

' By  THOMAS  NAST,  the  Celebrated  American  Artist. 

A Steel  Portrait  of  the  Author,  Four  Lithographic  Maps  of  the  Prison  Grounds  and  Surrounding 
Country,  most  of  them  drawn  from  actual  measurements,  and 

Twelve  other  Accurate  Full-page  Illustrations  of  Prison-Life, 

Taken  from  Rebel  and  other  Photographs,  and  from  Drawings  made  upon  the  Prison  Grounds, 
now  in  possession  of  the  Publishers. 

Crown  Octavo. 


This  work  is  of  intense  interest,  and  well  calculated  to  give  the  general  reader  the  characteristic 
phases  of  prison-life,  and  a full  understanding  of  the  subject.  It  possesses  all  the  charm  of 
the  best  works  of  fiction  ; and  the  reader  has  the  satisfaction  of  knowing  it  to  be  true,  as  the 
Appendix  contains  not  only  cenificates  of  parties,  well  known  in  the  community,  to  the  veracity 
of  Mr.  Goss,  but  certificates  to  the  truthfulness  of  the  book  from  twenty  of  the  author’s  compan- 
ions in  prison.  It  furnishes  the  present  generation  a vivid  and  life-like  picture,  and  posterity  ma- 
terial for  an  impartial  verdict._ 

This  is  the  only  ivork  written  by  a prisoner  who  suffered  the  keenest  pangs  of  hunger,  and  the 
vTetched  squalor  and  deathly  miasma  of  the  prison  pens.  The  story  is  told  with  all  the  earnest- 
ness of  one  who  has  deeply  suffered,  but  who,  nevertheless,  writes  in  a pleasant  and  cheerful  vein. 


Sold  only  to  Subscribers.  Agents  Wanted. 

I.  N.  RICHARDSON  & CO., 

Boston,  Mass. 


723 


STANDARD 

HISTORICAL  STORIES. 

BY 

OLIVER  OPTIC, 

Author  of  “The  Starry  Flag,”  “The  Boat  Club,”  “The  Sailor  Boy,”  “Our 
Standard  Bearer,  or  Life  of  Ulysses  S.  Grant,”  “ The  Way  of  the  World,” 
“Young  America  Abroad  Series,”  “ Woodville  Stories,”  “River- 
dale  Stories,”  and  numerous  other  popular  works  ; also 
Editor  of  “ Our  Boys’  and  Girls’  Magazine.” 


A 12mo  VoluLine  of  1032  pages. 


EMBELLISHED  WITH 

A STEEL  PORTRAIT  OP  THE  AUTHOR,  AN  ALLEGORICAL  PRESENTATION 
PAGE,  AND  TEN  PULL-PAGE  ILLUSTRATIONS, 

FROM  THE  PENCILS  OF  NAST,  CHAMPNEY,  AND  OTHER  WELL-KNOWN  ARTISTS. 


This  is  the  first  attempt  of  any  American  publishers  to  put  the  works  of 
Oliver  Optic  at  a price  within  the  reach  of  all ; and  we  affirm  that  no 
recent  copyright  book,  sold  for  the  same  price,  from  the  pen  of  an  author  so  well 
known,  published  in  this  country,  contains  the  same  amount  of  reading-matter, 
with  so  many  and  good  illustrations,  and  so  well  gotten  up  in  every  respect  as 
this. 

Oliver  Optic’s  popularity  is  attested  by  the  fact  that  his  books  reach  an 
annual  sale  of  about  one  hundred  and  fifty  thousand  copies;  and  no  writer  in 
America  is  better  known  or  more  widely  popular. 

The  fact  that  those  of  greater  experience  and  more  mature  years  than  those  for 
whom  the  books  were  originally  written,  seek  for  and  read  them  as  attentively  as 
the  juveniles,  attests  to  the  wide-spread  popularity  of  the  works  of  the  great 
author.  Exclusive  territory,  and  liberal  terms  to  agents.  Send  for  circular. 


SOLD  ONLY  BY  SUBSCRIPTION. 


I.  N.  RICHARDSON  & CO., 

Boston,  Mass. 


724 


THE 


VETERAN  OF  THE  GRAND  ARMY. 

BY 

THE  BROTHERS  COBB, 

Members  of  Post  30,  G.A.R.,  Department  of  Massachusetts. 


A THRILLING  LIFE-STORY,  designed  to  set  forth  the  true  and  lofty 
character  of  the  ’ 

GRAND  ARMY  OF  THE  REPUBLIC, 

an  organization  in  many  respects  without  a parallel  in  the  history  of  the  world,  — 
and  more  particularly  for  the  sublime  purpose  of  binding  those  who  went  to  the 
rescue  of  their  country,  in  her  hour  of  peril,  more  closely  in  one  great  brother- 
hood ; of  inculcating  and  perpetuating  sentiments  of 

FRATERNITY,  CHARITY,  AND  LOYALTY 

among  its  members,  that  they  may  not  neglect  their  solemn  obligations  to  each 
other  ; and  of  forcibly  impressing  upon  the  minds,  and  carrying  conviction  to  the 
hearts,  of  all  its  members,  that  their  duty  and  mission  are  not  fulfilled  until  the 
families  of  their  fallen  comrades,  as  well  as  their  unfortunate  surviving  compan- 
ions in  arms  who  are  disabled,  have  been  cared  for. 

Embellished  with  a beautihil  allegorical  presentation-page,  from  the  pencil  of 
Thomas  Nast,  the  eminent  American  artist,  and  a full-page  frontispiece  by  the 
authors,  whose  artistic  culture  is  best  evidenced  by  the  magnificent  soldiers’  mon- 
ument at  Cambridge,  Mass.,  which  was  both  designed  and  sculptured  by  them, 
and  is  universally  pronounced  the  finest  in  conception  and  execution  in  America. 

The  book  is  written  with  rare  fidelity  to  truth,  and  possesses  that  vigor  and 
charm  which  only  works  founded  on  fact  ever  combine.  W e deem  it  no  exagger- 
ation to  say  that  no  work  has  yet  been  produced  on  this  subject  so  well  calculated 
to  further  the  ends  above  set  forth.  The  manner  in  which  it  has  been  treated 
evinces  a thorough  knowledge  of  the  holy  aims  of,  and  spirit  actuating,  that  Order, 
and  a keen  insight  into  its  workings.  The  style  in  which  it  is  written  gives  it  all 
the  vividness,  strength,  and  exciting  interest  of  some  of  the  finest  works  by  the 
best  writers  of  fiction  ; and  it  also  possesses  that  quality  which  incites  in  the 
heart  of  the  reader  who  belongs  to  that  noble  band  of.  brothers  in  peace  — late  in 
arms  — the  firm  resolve  to  do  all  and  more  than  a strict  observance  of  his  pledge 
can  require. 


An  Elegant  IQmo  Volnme  of  384  pages. 


The  authors  have  so  presented  in  this  work  the  practical  benefit  of  the  Grand 
Army,  that  soldiers  who  have  not  joined  its  ranks,  after  perusing  it,  cannot  lay  it 
down  without  feeling  it  to  be  their  duty  and  interest  to  become  members. 


SOLD  ONLY  TO  SUBSCRIBERS.  AGENTS  WANTED  EVERYWHERE. 


I.  N.  RICHARDSON  & CO.,  Boston,  Mass. 

72s 


V ’’.ry  Racy,  Chatty,  yet  Reliable. 


LIFE  OF  CHARLES  DICKENS. 

BY 

DR.  R.  SHELTON  MACKENZIE, 

LITERARY  EDITOR  OF  “THE  PHILADELPHIA  PRESS,” 

His  life-long  friend,  who  is  universally  acknowledged  to  be  peculiarly  qualified 
for  the  task,  he  having  been  engaged  for  several  years  past  in  collecting 
the  material  for  this  work. 


JT  contains 

Personal  Recollections  and  Anecdotes. 

Letters  by  Boz,  never  before  published. 

Uncollected  Papers,  in  Prose  and  Verse. 
With  Portrait  and  Autog“raph. 

It  traces  the  career  of  the  great  novelist  from  the  time  of  his  birth  and  first 
connection  with  journalism,  as  a reporter,  to  its  unexpected  and  lamented  termi- 
nation on  the  9th  of  June,  1870  ; with  a full  account  of  the  funeral  services,  and 
Dean  Stanley’s  funeral  sermon,  preached  at  Westminster  Abbey  on  the  Sunday 
following  the  funeral. 


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I.  N.  RICHARDSON  & CO., 

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